Why Nothing in the American Magazines Could Fix His Insides – Hector E.

Hello, everybody. My name is Hector and I am an alcoholic. Finally, I made it to New Jersey. I'm so happy. Thank you. I want to thank Jersey Mike. I call him Jersey Mike for inviting me to speak here. It's always a pleasure, you know, to participate in the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and also Kathy for being such a lovely host. I'm going to stay with them tonight. And I'm going to tell you my story. Remember, whatever I say from the podium is just my experience and my opinion. Unfortunately, I happen to be very opinionated. And I may be wrong, but I'm never in doubt. I've been sober 24 years. My home group is the Robertson Originals on Sunday mornings. I'm gonna start at the very beginning. My father was an Arab. My mother was an Italian, and I was born in Argentina. I'm glad you think it's funny. I think I came out Japanese. They were poor. They were illiterate. They were violent. They dressed badly, and they smelled even worse. See, we're poor, poor like in Argentina, and poor in this country is middle class all around the world. We didn't have, you know, floors, dirt floors. We don't have running water. We don' t have no heat. And my parents were very, very violent. But I didn' t know they were violent until I came to AA. Here, they give you all these problems, you know. One of my esponses, after I told him my story, said, Oh, Hector, you were an abused child. Really? You see, my mother used to chain me to a sewing machine. It was nothing bad, really. She was an equal opportunity chainer. You know, she chained my kid sister underdog, you know. She disagreed with you. It's not a big deal. You just sit there, count the tile, and maybe daydream about masturbation. You know you're 12 years old. What are you going to do? What she used to do that really, really scared me and probably marked me for the rest of my life was that when I would do something mischievous, she said, Hector, I'm not going to chase after you. You have to come to sleep. So when I was sound asleep at 1 o'clock at night, she would uncover me and beat me out with a shoe or a piece of wood so from the until I left home when I was 18 I really always slept totally covered because I didn't know what's coming my father was a little more violent he would get a knife for a gun and we all would run to the streets because he was going to kill us you know and I'm not telling you this because it has anything to do with my alcoholism. I'm telling you this because I'm going to tell you how I dealt with it after I got sober, how I heal of these two relationships, because that's what we do in AA. I always knew I was going to be okay. I was coming to America. I knew I was Coming to America since I was eight years old. I used to keep magazines, American magazines and daydream, someday I'm going to be with them. And I had a little room in the back. It was not a room, it was like a chicken coop, you know, in the back and I fixed it and I had all my American magazines and my dreams in that little room. I didn't belong to them. I was different. And, um, I saved myself because when I was 12, I got out of the house. I became an athlete, and I would drop the books and go to the gym. When I was 18, I left the house, and when I was 24, I came to America. Oh, by the way, I came here legally, okay? So don't get any funny ideas. If you don't like my pitch, you cannot send me back to Argentina. And I'm an American citizen. You're screwed. That is it. And of all the places in the world, there's a little heck board from Argentina. Now, where do I go? New York. New York and I just, I remember, you know, I will always remember my first night. I arrived late at night. It was like 11 o'clock in this cheap little hotel and I went out on Park Avenue and I looked at all these huge buildings built with glass and steel and I was just couldn't believe it. The man could do that. Remember, I come from a little town in Argentina, a village almost. So this was enormous. And I fell in love with America and I'm still in love America, you know? I've been a citizen now for 35 years. I got into advertising and I worked real hard and within 18 months working in advertising I went to Europe. I saved enough money to go to Europe! That's incredible! In Argentina in 1961 only the millionaires could go to europe. And i visited all the museums and all the churches, and I saw all the most beautiful art in the world. And I don't know where that comes from because there wasn't a single paint in my entire house. I always loved art and beauty because my house was filthy and messy. So I always wanted to be surrounded by beauty and order. When I came back from Europe, you know, I was always an isolator. You know, it's just like I felt I was different. And I said, I wanted to socialize. And they told me in order to socialize, I have to go to a bar. In America, we go to a bar to socialized, you know, and Argentina still didn't, they didn't do that. Now they do it. They copy everything we do here. And so I prepare my, go to the bar. I never been to a bar in my entire life, you know? And I always want, I always wanted to be, I'm very anal. I like to do things very properly, you know. And one of the things I didn't like and I still don't like is my accent, you know. I didn'T know I had an accent until I took this lady to Radio City Music Hall, I remember. It was a picture with Rock Hudson and Gina LaBrigida. And I said to this young lady, I said, boy, Gina has thick accent. And she says, oh, no, no. It's very lovely, just like yours. Do I have accent? Yes, and it's adorable. I could have killed her, you know what I mean? I went home and bought a tape recorder the next day and I listened to myself. Caca, caca, caca. I sounded like Frito Bandido, you Know What I Mean? Now I sound like my parents. My parents were foreigners. They had accents. I detested them because they were so different, you know? I wouldn't be caught dead with my parents in the streets in Argentina, you So now I'm going to go to a bar. I'm gonna socialize. I got into my three-piece suit from Brooks Brothers. Oh yes, I forgot to tell you. My first dream when I came here, it was to be a wasp. I wanted to be the wasp of the world. I wanted it to be like a wasps. Can we make this a little higher? I wanted her to be her wasp, you know. But in those days, 1961, I had a big black afro, you kno. and a black mustache coming down to here. And no matter how well I dressed, I always looked like a Mexican yuppie, you know what I mean? I just didn't make it, you know? But I wanted to sound properly, so I'm going to go have a drink in an American bar, so I practice in the mirror, right? I got into my three-piece suit from Brooks Brothers, I look in the middle of the room, and I go like this, Whiskey! Excuse me, whiskey please! You know, and I practiced for like an hour how to order a drink, you know. Whiskey. I wanted to be sophisticated. Some of you older guys remember Rex Harrison? I wanted it to be Rex Harrison. That's it. So I walk into this bar, and it was so strange. It was full of Mormons. You know. I didn't. They looked like Mormons, all these guys were tall, blonde, crew cuts in dark suits and dark ties. I thought it was a Mormon bar. See, I didn't know Mormons don't drink. You know what I mean? You see, the only Americans I knew in Argentina were the Mormon missionaries. They used to come to a little town in Argentina, a little village, to try to change us from unhappy little Catholics to unhappy little Mormons. And they all looked the same. Dark suits, dark tie, and crew cut. So I said, this must be a Mormon Bar. you know and the bartender came over this tall blonde man and says it's english to us it's like spanish to you when you don't know it sounds like gibberish right but i was prepared i said whiskey no and he looked at me and goes and i said again whiskey now in hindsight i realized he was asking me what kind of whiskey on the rocks with soda i don't understand i kept saying whiskey, whiskey got pissed. So he grabbed this bottle with a beak. I've never seen one of those bottles. And a little shot glass. I'd never seen a shot glass, I don't know what a shot glass is. And he poured this piss-like substance inside this little glass and he put the little glass in front of me. And I look at the little glass, why does it give me such a little glass? And I looked around. All the Mormons had tall glasses. Maybe he's trying to punish me because I'm not a Mormon. You know what I mean? I don't know. Or maybe give me a little glass because I am short. I don' t know. But I tried to act macho, right? I picked up the glass and I swallowed the whole thing in one take. It was awful. It came out of my ears, my nose. Oh, I almost died. And this Mormon that was standing next to me, who looked like Gregory Peckin to kill the mockingbird, he said in Spanish, ¿Por qué no pruebas Cuba Libre? Why don't you try Cuba Libres? Oh, easy to pronounce. Cuba Libes, por favor. Cuba Libles. Cuba Libdes. And rum and Coke. I loved it. I'm addicted to sugar. I'm really, I'm REALLY addicted to sugary. And I loved It. And from then on, I drank everything with Coke. Scotch and Coke. Vodka and Coke And finally I graduated to my drink of choice, okay? Sangria and Coke Don't knock it before you try it You don't know You see, anything that was sweet, I loved Anything that had an umbrella on it Any drink that I just loved, you know And I began drinking a lot And I didn't drink because I liked drinking I drank because I didn't like anything about myself. You see, I didn' t like anything. I remember once I read that Leonardo da Vinci, and he was a genius, he said the perfectly proportioned man is seven times the size of his head. So I measured this. This is extra large, okay? According to that, I'm supposed to be seven feet two inches tall. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw this little midget with his huge head. And he was bigger then. I had the afro, remember? You see my nose? It looks like a bell pepper, right? I'm glad you think it's funny. I had a nose job. I'm the only person I know who looks exactly the same before and after. I went home. My mother didn't realize I had a nosejob. I'm so pissed. So that's why I drank. Because I didn't like anything about myself. And when I drank, I was tall. I was good looking. I spoke perfect English. I was a loud asshole. That's what I was. And I got beat up a lot and thrown out of places, you know? And I began drinking a lot and really fast because I was always isolated. I read a book once called Loneliness, the Fear of Love. You don't have to read it. That's it. You know? Because, you know, if you get to know me, you're not going to like me. So I keep you at a distance. And I had my first suicide attempt. And I don't remember why. Don't ask me why. I'm very sensitive. Probably the doorman didn't say good morning to me. And I'm going to kill myself. I'll teach him a lesson, you now. And I took about 40 pills. And it was phenomenal. I still remember the feeling. It was like a horizontal line. It really, really was like this. A horizontal line coming down. It was so peaceful. It was such a beautiful place. So wonderful. I don't have to talk. I don' t have to conquer New York. So peaceful. Of course it was. I was dying. But the phone rang. I'm in my death bed. But I'm nosy. So I picked up the phone. It was my friend Rudy. And Rudy realized, you know, within a minute what I had done. And he said, Hector, if you don't call me from the hospital in five minutes, I call the cops. Click, he hung up. Oh, my God, I want to be dead, but I don't want the cops in my house. How embarrassing, you now. So I floated to Bellevue. It's only three blocks away from where I was. And they pumped my stomach and made me see shrinks. And I began seeing shrinks, And they were all very good shrinks. They couldn't help me because I never told them the truth. And I kept drinking some more, and I had my second suicide attempt. I threw myself in front of a bus. By the way, when I came to AA, I didn't think my life was unmanageable. People throw themselves in front the buses all the time. And I couldn't believe it why I was so unhappy. I don't know why I'm so happy. And because I had achieved the American dream. I had the Brooks Brothers suits, the Bloomingdale's furniture. You know, I had a beautiful apartment with a beautiful view of Manhattan. I didn't know why. You told me why when I came here. You told Me that I was looking for a material solution to a spiritual problem. And you told Me nothing, nothing that I can see with my eyes can fix my insides. Nothing. Not the girlfriend, boyfriend, house, money. All those things are wonderful. The job and all. But it doesn't really solve my inner problem. It's a spiritual problem and it needs a spiritual solution. I didn't know that. I thought if I had all the things I had seen in the American magazines, I was going to be happy. And I knew I was gonna be happy because it's what makes me happy. If all these things did not make me happy, I'm going to become an actor. And when I am famous, everybody is going to love me. And I was going to be the greatest actor in the world. I was gonna do Richard III in London better than Olivier. That's kind of difficult when you can't speak English, you know? So I... And I became an actor, you now, and I got this commercial. If I see myself in a commercial, I'm gonna be okay. Two commercials, three commercials. Oh, Hector, caca, cacacaca. Any idiot can do commercials. Even Joe Namath does commercials. No, no, you have to do theater, Hecto, theater. And God said, okay, little smug, I'll show you. And I got into this play at the public theater for Joe Papp. And we won all, it was so phenomenal, the success that took us to Broadway. And we Won all the awards on Broadway. and I still was a piece of garbage. I still felt like a piece of garbage and one day I came to about two o'clock in the afternoon and I had a moment of clarity. I realized what my problem was. My problem is New York. This is this is unfriendly hostile city you know horrible people I had to move to a more friendly caring nurturing place So I moved to Hollywood. And, you know, if you're an isolator, you go in New York, you go down the elevator, open the doors, 10,000 people. They're all ready to mug you, but they're there, right? In L.A., to get mugged, you need a car. Everything is three miles away. I got more isolated. And that was in the 70s. and I was a Latino actor with this mustache and the black hair and I did a lot of bad guys I guest starred in many shows and I always ended up in jail I've been handcuffed on TV more times than the Menendez brothers I was really always killed and I thought if I get a Mercedes you know I was going to get it be okay and I bought a Mercedes God actually God actually stole my Mustang and I brought a Mercedes and I used to park the Mercedes in front of a building one of those big windows look at myself in the in the window well look at Hector he has a Mercedes and at night I would get drunk go down to the the garage and shine my Mercedes in my pajamas and baby talked to my Mercedes in Spanish. Ay, que lindo el Mercedito, que bonito que está, tan bonito. My life was not unmanageable, you know. And that didn't fix it. So finally I got this part, you now, in a movie of the week called Wanted, The Sundance Woman, which is the sequel to Butch Cassidy. Catherine Ross was the lead. and I'm going to play a good guy. I'm gonna be Pancho Villa's right hand man and I am going to save the girl. I couldn't believe it. I got the part, I go home and the director calls me and says Hector we forgot to ask you a question. Can you ride a horse? Can I ride a force? I'm a gaucho from Argentina. I was born on a horse. I lied. So we get to Tucson with all the interiors. Now we're going to do the exteriors. We're going to ride around the jail and save Catherine Ross, right? Now, if you ride properly, this is the horse, this is you. Tick-a-tick, tick-a‑tick. Nice. When they put me on top of that stupid animal, this is what I did. The director didn't think it was funny. He had a heart attack. Why did you lie? We ask you. Oh God, he went on and on And they made me practice They put me on top of a stupid animal I hate horses For four hours I couldn't get off the horse When I got off I could not get my legs together I walked like this And on top that My ass was a huge blister I couldn' sit So I went to the store Bought some sangria and Coca-Cola And I drank half a gallon of sangria with some coca-cola the next day i show up on the set excuse me sir i cannot do the scene my ass is a huge blister this is hector we don't give a shit you see behind you it's 200 extras we cannot hire them tomorrow we have to do it today so what they do is they put some wet towels on that thing what you call that thing the saddle and the marlboro guys you know The Wranglers put me on top of it. It's so embarrassing. I'm playing this heavy-duty macho bandito, right? Bullets across the chest, the guns, the mustache, the hat, sitting on wet towels, you know what I mean? Now we're going to save Catherine Ross. So they give me the gun. He says, Hector, don't cock the gun until you're galloping and shoot only in the air because if I get you this close, I'll blow your eyes out. Remember that good-looking guy who played Russian roulette and killed himself with a blank. They're very dangerous. I have a hangover. I look behind me, 200 Mexicans on horses. If I fall, I'm dead. So the way they do it is that six of us principals lined up. The rangers hold the horses, and they action. They slap the horses in the ass, and we take off. So the guy is there. I'm going to cheat. I'm gonna cut the gun. You know what I mean? At least I'll get one shot out. And I hold her like this, right? and the horse goes boom oh my god i shot the wrangler in the ass he didn't think it was funny you know what i mean so we do the take we're going to do a retake now he's holding the horse like this okay i'm an alcoholic but i'm not stupid i cocked the gun again i'm gonna hit that man again he's gonna kill me i put it next to my leg and the horse goes boom oh my god i shot my leg my costume is in flames i don't care i have to save the girl i'm an alcoholic right and i start galloping and the flames are coming up you know what i mean by the end of the take it was like a torch on top of a horse so we got to the end of the take, they go bananas. I don't feel nothing. I have a hangover, right? I have a hole about this big on my calf. I mean, I don�t feel nothing! They threw me on the floor with the blankets and put the fire out. They rushed me to the hospital. And I had to be in the hospital for a month because they had to perform two operations. One to to remove the infection, because he got infected. And two, his skin grafted. While I was in the hospital, my agent didn't send me flowers. And you know, I'm very sensitive. You don't send flowers, I'll kill myself. I'll teach you a lesson. So I called my friend Irene to bring me the pills. So by the way, I never took pills. Well only once. I just had 30 or 40 pills in case I wanted to kill myself all the time. I only took one pill once. I was in the gym and this guy gave me a black beauty. He said, oh, you guys are really junkies. He said to me, if you take one of these, you're going to have so much energy, Hector. I took it. I couldn't stop cleaning my apartment. I cleaned my entire apartment one day twice. I was dusting the ceilings, you know what I mean? I was planning my life, writing, writing. The only thing, I couldn'T close my mouth. I was like this. Never again, Jesus Christ. And so I asked Irene to bring the pills and I took about 40 of them. And that was my last and best suicide attempt. Only in AA people laugh when I say that. I said it once to my friend of mine. He said, oh, my God, you almost died. we are alcoholics we do that all the time and I was in coma for three days in an intensive care unit my heart stopped twice, they had to revive me twice I basically was dead for three days and yeah they revived me twice and I had everything I had a new Mercedes I had the most beautiful wardrobe you've ever seen I had a gorgeous apartment. I had enough money in the bank to live a whole year without working, you know. And the only thing I didn't have was Hector. I was just an empty shell, nothing inside. One of you described me when I came here. You know, you said I was a huge ball of fear covered with a little human skin. That was me. The book says it equates fear with a thief because it robs us of our lives. You know, remember in the fourth step, I think in the third or last column, fear, fear, Fear, Fear. It's an overwhelming quality of all alcoholics. Anyway, my shrink sent me here. He said, you're an alcoholic. You have to go to AA. And I've been sober, you know, 24 years. And I fell in love with AA. I call AA the mafia of love. newcomers, once you come to a few meetings you can't get out we are everywhere newcomers especially when you're coming out of the 7-11 at 1 o'clock at night with a little brown bag somebody's going to say hi, we haven't seen you at meetings how are you? they do that, don't they? anyway newcomers stay with us nobody wants you anyway it's either this or one flew over the cuckoo's nest no no stay with me so let us love you until you learn how to love yourself I'm going to speak another 15 minutes I'm gonna talk a little bit about the steps in my program I like to make people laugh because we're supposed to be happy joyous and free and when we laugh there's a communion you know of the spirit well God is present and he's being heard anyway I worked the steps you know with my first sponsor and I did my amends and everything but I didn't understand the steps until I had like 14 years sobriety and people say you know the steps you know are to achieve sobriery yes the end result of the steps is sobrietry but for me just for me, the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are spiritual tools to develop a conscious contact with God. And if I do that, the obsession will be removed. Do you notice the word recovery is not mentioned in 12 StepsofAlcoholicsAnonymous? The word sobriety is not mentioned in the 12 steps. Not even the name of our disease, alcoholism. But this one name, one thing is mentioned nine times. check it out, that word is God alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful but there is one, not two or three, one, capital O that has all the power and then they name it, that one is God may you find him now and that's what I believe the 12 steps are really a spiritual tools for me to become an one with this indwelling power that's ever been there inside of me. Because my sonship, my relationship with God has no beginning and no end. It is eternal and that's what I believe. But I had a problem with God because I come from a Catholic background. And my God was not a loving God. My God was a punishing God. My God looked like Charlton Heston and he behaved like Leona Hemsley. He had no patient for the little people. And I found this description that I always read, you know, I should know by heart, but I'm senile. I don't remember nothing. And it's by Joel Goldsmith. I read a lot of his books. He was a spiritual giant, a great metaphysician. And he said, and this applies only to me, not to you, regardless of how high my concept of God is, it is wrong, because it is still a concept. Eventually I have to lose all concepts and reach the consciousness, like conscious contact, the consciousness that God is, and then leave the subject alone, because with the mind I'm never going to know what God is. And the big books is the same thing on page 46. Even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that power which we call god page 46 and then the book says page 53 we had to fearlessly face the proposition that god is everything or else he's nothing god either is or he isn't what was our choice to be and also the god the book tells me where to find god because i thought he was floating somewhere, you know, in a cloud. The book tells me, you know, it says, page 55, we found the great reality deep down within us. In the last analysis, it is only there that he may be found. It was so with us. And that's what I believe, that God is. How can I define a spiritual entity that takes care of 6 billion people at the same time? One of the great theologians and great spiritual and religious authorities had not been able to do it for 2,000 years. But I believe that God is. Somebody said a temple, a synagogue or a church is a house of God. But an AA meeting is God's workshop. And I love that. And I came to believe just for me. Remember this is for me, not for you. That God is incomplete without us. because he loves through us. He needs our hands, our hugging, our kissing, our smiling. That's why God says if you believe in me I am. We are God's secret weapon and that's what I believe. I also believe that God loved me so much that he created me in his own image and likeness and whatever I am God is always. That's what we say when we say our father, right? Our father. If he's our father we are his children. God's DNA is inside of all of us. And that's what I believe. And as I said you know people say the steps are tools to achieve sobriety. Yes, the end result is sobrietry. To me, to me it's just tools to achieve that conscious contact with God. and there's a thing on page 32, 12 and 12. The fact was we really had not cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession. Therefore, we remain self-deceived and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity. Oh, so that's what I have to receive, enough of God's grace. And what is God's praise? The book doesn't say, 12 and 12 doesn't say. So I had to read other books and take some courses. And the simplest version of God's grace is God's grace is an unmerited gift. That's it. I made it a little more complicated by saying God's Grace cannot be earned or deserved. God's grâce is not happening in the future. God's graces operating in me right this second. God's Graces is the essence of my entire life. God's grace is God in me. And that's what I believe. And I believe the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are spiritual tools to cleanse me inside so God can use me. You see, the first step says I have a problem. The second step, I need a solution. The third step says that solution is God. I had to turn my will and my life to God. And how do I do? What is my will? You taught me, my will is my thoughts. Somebody said many years ago, as a man thinketh, so he is. Thoughts are things. Look around you, everything you're wearing, this church, that wall, this table, everything is started with a thought. So I had to be careful what I think because they will manifest in my life at an emotional level or physical level. And what is my life? You taught me my life is my actions. A man or a woman is not judged by what he wears, what he drives, how much money he makes. A man of a woman's judged by his actions. Emerson said your actions speak so loud I cannot hear what you're saying. That's it. How do I turn my will and my life over to the care of God And what does that mean? It means putting God first. It means that I have to live a life based on spiritual principle. And what is the spiritual principle? I didn't know. The spiritual principle is undeniable truth. The spiritual principal is not debatable. In all spiritual principles, absolute. Love is the spirit of the spiritual principal. Forgiveness. Prosperity. peace. So now I have to cleanse this so God can use me because that's all I am, a channel through which God can shine. I myself am nothing the book says. So what is the cleansing I had to do? Four and five. All those character defects. I hadto do that. Then I go into six and seven. I see if I forgot anything then humbly ask God to remove these character defects. and I know when I did the steps I have the character defects and the spiritual principle opposite to it so when I ask God to remove these character defects I have a goal set for me that's what it has to be replaced with am I ready to receive God's grace well not really you see when I was drinking I did harm to all of those people out there 4 and 5 is a relationship with myself 8 and 9 is my relationship with the universe I had to make amends To all those people Am I ready to receive God's grace? Yes Notice that the promises start coming after The ninth step but Bill Wilson Who wrote the big book in the 12 and 12 Knew we were alcoholics And as alcoholics We were going to screw up on a daily basis So he gives us A daily tool To clean the channel So that God can use me Or be where the book says to be a maximum use to God and those about us. I'm not used to God if I'm full of resentment, anger, envy, jealousy. So I had to be cleansed. So we do 10. What happens after 10? How do I improve my relationship with God? Prayer and meditation are the two most important vehicles to have that conscious contact with God. There's a funny definition that my friend Harvey in my group has of prayer and meditation. I'm going to tell you. He says, when you talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back to you, it's call it schizophrenia. Yes, I have to talk to God. And what is prayer? Prayer is not begging, deal-making, supplicating. Prayer is just I talk to God to align myself with the will of God that's all there is no deal making with God and the most important the most important quality in prayer is faith prayer without faith is useless pray believing that the gift is already given because remember it's the father great joy to give you the kingdom so pray knowing that the gift is already given. And then I do prayer. I mean meditation. What is meditation? I go within to shut out you know, the world of conditions and circumstances because that's not the reality. That's not my life. My life is inside of me. This is not Hector which you're seeing. This is the physical manifestation but the real Hector is inside. If that's God's grace, that's my spirit and that's really untouched that's unsoiled and that's where God lives and that is what the steps are for to get in touch with that divinity which is inside of all of us and then I shut up and go within to listen to this still small voice and isn't it funny the first 11 steps end up in meditation silence and why is that? I believe just for me Silence is the language of God. Be still and know that I am God. He doesn't say run around talking in your cell phone, eating a sandwich and driving and know that I are God. Be still, Hector. Be still. Be still Hector and what do we do after 11? We do service. The book says it three times. Faith without works is dead. I can sound like Mother Teresa from the podium but if I don't fulfill my three commitments in my home group I don' t have a program you see things are given to me to use they are not given to keep I don´t keep nothing and if I do not give it away the flow stops the word flow comes from I think French is flow So, if I keep it, it stops here. If I keep giving, the more I give, the more I shall receive. So that's step 12. I'm going to take five more minutes and tell you what happened with my mom and dad. We'll make the second part shorter. I'll talk less about it until I'm said prayer. So, I had three years of sobriety and I felt very uncomfortable. And I didn't know why. And I did inventory and I realized I still hated my parents. And the book says resentment is the number one killer and he doesn't exempt parents you know and I did inventory and you know I realized we have double standards in AA if a newcomer walks through that door I just got out of jail I killed two people, that's why I was in jail and robbed five banks, what do we say? Welcome! You're one of us! Do you want coffee and cookies? Later on we'll take you out to dinner instant forgiveness right not without parents they have to be perfect are we perfect i don't know about you i'm not even in sobriety i'm and when i went to do my eighth and ninth i didn't want justice i wanted those people to forgive me because if i was to get justice for all the garbage I did, you don't want to be standing next to me when I get it. So I had to write inventory. And I realized, yes, my mother chained me and beat me up a few times. But there was only 15%, 20% of the equation. And that was wrong. I'm not condoning child abuse. But she was an ignorant person from Italy. She never went to school. Some of us don't get it at home, but we had the privilege of going to school and we learned something in school. She didn't. And I realized, I began thinking, yes, she beat me up, she chained me a few times, but you know, she was illiterate, but she put me through 12 years of school. At night, we had no heat, She would warm up a brick on her stove, wrap it with an old rag, warm up the bed and put it on my feet. When I was five years old, we didn't have a Christmas tree. She took a broomstick, some wire, some crepe paper and made a little Christmas tree, four branches, five branches, six branches. She went out with a quarter and bought four Christmas balls and a point. But guess what? I had my Christmas tree. And every year she'd make a little taller and make some more ornaments. See, she was doing the best she could with the knowledge she had. When I had 12 years old, you had to buy a kid a bicycle. It's like almost buying a convertible now. We're talking 50 years ago. Okay? And she bought me the best bicycle in town, imported from Italy. Even the rich kids in the neighborhood didn't have a bicycle like that. She worked always at two jobs. There's no welfare in Argentina. She got up every day of the year at 5 o'clock in the morning and she worked until 11 o' clock at night. But I had my bicycle. And I realized I had to forgive my mom. And I sent her a ticket. She had never been on a plane. And she came to my apartment before I bought my house in L.A. And she had a 12-feet tall Christmas tree, real pine, decorated in her favorite colors, pink and red. And she has 33 presents underneath the Christmas tree. And I told my mom how much I loved her. And I thanked her for all the things that she did for me, for buying me the shoes to go to the gym, for buying new books, for putting me through 12 years of school. Never did I mention what she did wrong. We don't do that in AA. We take care of this side of the street. You know? And I remember once she was talking to my sister Olga and she said to Olga, you know what I wish Olga for all the mothers in the world and Olga said what that all the mothers inthe world could have a son like my Hector it doesn't get any better than that she died about three years ago, she was 91 years old and that relationship was healed because I worked the steps of AA I have no grudge against my mom still she drove me crazy when to get together with her after an hour. Nene, honey, get a sweater on. I'm 60 years old. She's telling me how to dress, you know? But that's the job of all mothers, to drive us crazy. You know what I mean? But my heart is full of love and I have no resentments. It was a little more difficult with my father because he moved to Syria and I hadn't heard from him in probably 14 years. And when I was about 14 years old, I got a letter from Syria. Hi son, I haven't heard form you in such a long time of course he hadn't i didn't know where he was oh i just called to say hello and see how you were doing oh one more thing you know can you send me some money because i have to pay some taxes and i need some money bastard he writes to me after 14 years because he needs money i am so pissed and then he continues oh one More Thing my family here says if nobody talks to me from the other side of the ocean, I must have done something wrong. And if I did, I apologize. Ha! Did you do something wrong? And I began writing back. And now I'm listing everything he did wrong. And this is a long list. You know, I can't stop. You know. And this isn't true because I'm a member of AA and I don't lie. And then I made a mistake. I asked an old timer what to do newcomers never do that keep it to yourself and she said Hector Hector, she said if your father took 14 years how would you have to write to you why do you have answer right away and Hector this really pissed me off would you rather be right or would you write it yet please I'd rather be right I waited 50 years for this this is my moment but you know I'm a people pleaser and I sent a nice letter and I didn't send the money but it was not sufficient I went back to the shrink who sent me to AA 24 years ago and after two sessions he says Hector you have to go to Syria you don't know your father Syria? are you crazy Mike? Syria is full of Syrians You know what I mean? They all look like my father. I don't want her to Syria. But I called him on the phone and he sounded senile. He said, I'll be in Syria in a month and I landed in Damascus. And this giant that used to beat me up that I was so afraid of is about this tall. This little old man bald-headed wispy white hair baggy ridiculous pants running towards me sobbing and he embraces me and starts kissing me all over my face and I start sobbing who is this man I don't know my dad my dad never talked to me he worked or he fought with my mom that was his life and I'm sobbing and looking at this little man his family behind him are sobbing people watching us are sobving then he grabs me by the hand like a five-year-old puts me in his cabin he takes me to his hotel and he told me he was my brother-in-law says you know he was so excited you were coming he couldn't sleep for three days and he took me to this village this very very poor village if you've been to Mexico you think that's poor that's like Switzerland compared to Syria and he told me his story you know his father died when he was 6 months old so he had no recollection of what a father looks like his mother had him when he was 15 years old how is this man going to know how to be a caring, loving, nurturing father he had not idea he was like a little animal growing in this village with no education he went to Syria when he were 17 Marry my crazy mother How is he going to know how to be a loving, caring Nurturing father But he loved me He really loved me I just did not love him I don't want An illiterate peasant from Syria To be my father I want money Property, prestige Baccarat glass No Hector This is the one You have to love And he loved me so much, made me dress in a three-piece suit in this very, very poor village. His house is the only one with a toilet. It's called toilet, yes. The other houses had outhouses, you know, like we had in Argentina. And he made me dressed in a two-piece suite. He sat me in the living room, bought steak that in Syria is very expensive, put it on a plate and made me eat it to show off. and invited all the villagers from the village to come and say hello to my son Hector from Argentina. And they all have to shake my hand. That's how proud he was of me. A blind person, a beggar without shoes walking to the room and they guided his hand to touch my face so that he too may know what Brahim's son looked like. That's How Much He Loved Me. so I spent the week with him I taped him photographed him and when I left at the airport we were both sobbing again because I knew I was not going back to Syria and I was not going to see him again he was 84 and I said daddy I love you very very much and I'm so proud that you're my daddy and he grabbed my face and kissed me all over and he said son I am ten times more proud that you're my son I am so proud of you and this trip you made to my little village is the most beautiful gift anybody could have given me nothing in the world could make me happier and we hugged and hugged and kissed and cried and I left when I came back to America something very subtle had changed. See, I always looked like a man. I acted like a men. I accomplished like a man. And I looked like a man, but inside of me I was a 12-year-old child emotionally. Because you see, being like my father, being a man was being like my father and I hated my dad. And now when I think about my dad, I smile. The little guy did the best he could with the tools he had. And now I really know what a real man is, or a real woman. It has nothing to do with the position we have in society. You know, a real men is somebody who is at peace with himself. That means he has God in his heart. He can be of maximum use to God and those about him. And that's the whole trip of this program. To have this invulnerable power so that we can love and be loved. And that's the secret of life. The rest is icing on the cake. We are here for only two things, to love and to be loved, and that's a most important thing in the entire world. And we get it here, NAA, for fun and for free. I came here to stop drinking, and you beautiful people taught me how to live. Thank you. I love you