Why No Amends Means No Promises – Anthony A.

Russell Lilly, South Dixie. My name is Anthony. I'm a real alcoholic, recovered alcoholic, alcoholic of our type, alcoholic of kind, ex-problem drinker, all those beautiful things it says in the book about me, right? I should say I'm recovered. It says on page 90 that's how i should be introduced to you guys um again i look through the crowd and it's funny we joke about this but if you go to step series and again i'll blame right because i'm probably getting a little boring as the weeks go by but we always lose people as the steps go on right you especially when you get to these steps especially nine because i're not on that i don't know i don'T really like that step um so i'm not gonna go somewhere else or i'll just i'm gonna watch tv tonight you know terry sent something out today that i thought was really important that we start with i want to do the steps but i'm just going through a lot right now little uh cartoon that he sent out and man do i identify right because i could do that with so many things in my life and there was another one that he sent out with a guy laying in bed um under the covers another cartoon it says why do i feel stagnant right and the guy's laying in bad and it's 11 o'clock in the morning right and i identify and so many people identified with that and i don't realize that when i'm not doing the things i'm supposed to do and when i am laying in bed i think i'm not hurting anyone but i'm still harming people there right but but i am so so self-consumed that i don't care and i don t even know until later on if i m lucky enough you know to get to a place like here or a church or something where they teach me about myself so we are on step nine thank you guys again and i wrote something here a while ago it says now i have a relationship with god now he must fix the relations with his children so uh step nine says made direct amends to such people wherever possible and here's the important part except when to do so would injure them or others so if you've done the steps in this book you realize that you've harmed people injured you're going to hear that word a lot tonight You've harmed people. But again, I was in bed, so I didn't think I harmed you. But people that were armed with the fact they told me and showed me through the book where I did harm you and how I harmed you and How I repeated that harm over and over and all over again to the different people in my life. And I never really knew it. Right. I was just so self-consumed. It says good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage and prudence. these are qualities we shall need when we take step nine so i just wanted to throw in there and i've said this to a lot of people before in sobriety in years i don't know eight through 15 or 16 sober i spent a lot on mondays in bed sober not hurting anyone not not hurting my clients that you know were paying me money you know just i felt like i didn't need to go to work that day i wasn't feeling well after we have made a list of people we have harmed we have reflected carefully upon each is that i've tried to possess ourselves the right attitude in which to proceed i'm reading from the 12 and 12 as we've done each week so again i've i've tricked you into reading the 12 and 12 which is so so beautiful right it's such a beautiful book we will see the making of direct demands divide those we should approach into several classes so once i've made the list the 12 and 12 the same there's classes um there will be those we ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety there'll be those to whom we can only make partial restitution less complete disclosures to them or others would do more harm than good there will be other cases where action ought to be deferred and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all so again a little different than i have in the book um it tells me the only time in our in our big book we dealt with that last week when we get to the big book tonight we're mainly going to deal with uh page 83 the promises and what comes before it says most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join Alcoholics Anonymous the moment we tell our families that we are really going to try the program the process has begun well what's important for me to tell my family right because I remember when I first came in I told my family they're going to teach me how to live I saw something But I never learned what the program was until 18 years later, right? So I've got to be careful when I'm telling my family and when I'M TELLING OTHER PEOPLE. Even the people that I sponsor if I don't know what the PROGRAM is. In this area, there are seldom any questions of timing or caution. We want to come in the door shouting the good news. Russell, they mention the good new somewhere else, don't they? yeah there you go my friend i don't think that's a you know bill put that in here by accident he one ups it in the big book with great news a couple of times but after coming from our first meeting okay hold on a second so they make i love what they do here it says after coming from our first meeting. That would be the first meeting that would be like the first meeting you go to or perhaps after we have finished reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous. So it's an either or kind of thing right. So right at the beginning as they told you and they're going to tell us in step 12 working with others we read the book right away. Nobody told me that I didn't read it for 20 years we usually want to sit down with some member of the family and readily admit the damage harm damage injury right we have done by our drinking always we want to go further and admit other defects that we have that we had made us hard to live with that's an upgrade from us hard-to-live-with you'll see some other words later there will be very different occasion in sharp contrast with those hangover Mormons when we alternated between reviling ourselves and blaming the family and everyone else for our troubles. So they're sort of mocking what we did there, and I'll repeat that's sort of what they tell us to do in AA today, right? Talk about our troubles at this first sitting. It is necessary only that we make general admission of our defects it will be unwise at this stage to rehash certain harrowing episodes also what we do in a rehash harrowin episodes again they're not promoting that here guys they're sort of downplaying the good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time we may while we may be quite willing to reveal the very worst we must be sure to remember that we cannot not by our own peace of mind at the expense of others and i have written in my book like i always did before whatever i need to feel good so you tell me go make amends all right i'm gonna i'm gonna tell all this crap that i did to you i'm going to hurt 17 more people to make one amends because that's all i care about is me still right they're telling you not to do that much the same approach will apply at the office or factory we shall at once think of a few people we know about that know about our drinking who have been most affected by it but even in these cases we may need to use a little more discretion than we did with the family we may not want to say anything for several weeks or longer first we wish to be reasonably certain that we are on the AA beam. Then we are ready to go to these people and tell them what AA is. I have that like quadruple highlight, right? If I do not know what AA is, if I haven't read the book like they just said I do before or right at my first meeting, I tell them some telephone tag stuff about AA, right. I don't because I don' t know what it is. My sponsor doesn't know what it is 98 of the people in rooms don't know what it's so i'm telling my family something wrong most of the time that's at least what i did and what we're trying to do now what i'm trying to doing is get a relationship with god nobody told me that i didn't tell my parents i'm trying to get a relation to my creator as the book says what are you doing i don't know i'm hanging out with the guys we ain't drinking We go to meetings and we talk about ourselves to each other. Against this background, we can freely admit the damage we have done and make our apologies. We can pay or promise to pay whatever obligations, financial or otherwise, we owe. The generous response of most people to such quiet sincerity will often astonish us. We were amazed, right? We're delighted at the way things turn out that we've been putting off our whole lives is what this book keeps telling us. even our severest and most justified critics will frequently meet us more than halfway on the first trial what does it say in the book too the people that are really hard to go make it usually are the most rewarding this atmosphere of approval and praise which we really like we really want approval and praise is apt to be so as to put us off balance by creating an insatiable appetite for more of the same. Boy, oh boy, would you like a definition of an alcoholic? I have an insatiableness, insatiably appetite for more or the same, especially if it's approval and praise or like maybe cake right meatball parm chicken parm clothes gambling cars i don't know or we may be tipped over in the other direction when in rare cases we get a cool and skeptical reception which could make me stop doing the whole program one person doesn't like me. Russell, we talk about that all the time. This will tempt us to argue or to press our point insistently. Anybody ever press their point insistently? Right? It's raining now and I say it ain't raining. And I'll tell you all day it didn't rain. It rained. Alcoholism may be able to tempt us here we go but if we have prepared ourselves well in advance such reactions will not deflect us from our steady and even purpose. I'm sorry. After taking this preliminary trial at making amends, we may enjoy such a sense of relief that we conclude our task is finished. I did my nine step. Anybody hear that? Yeah, I did nine in 1974 once for a few hours. And I've been miserable ever since, right? We will want to rest on our laurels. Oh, my goodness. Easier, softer way. The temptation to skip the more humiliating and dreaded meetings that still remain may be great. We read last week in the big book, right? Have you left anyone? If you don't do this, you're going to drink, it tells us in the book. We will often manufacture plausible excuses for dodging these issues entirely. or we may just procrastinate telling ourselves the time is not yet like that guy says at the beginning of the thing i'd love to do the steps but there's a lot of stuff going on when in reality we have already pissed up many a fine chance to write a serious wrong let's not talk prudence while practicing evasion and i had ouch with an exclamation point written in my book. Ouch. As soon as we begin to feel confident in our new way of life and have begun by our behavior and example to convince those about us that we are indeed changing for the better, it is usually safe to talk in complete frankness with those who have been seriously affected. They mean harmed or injured. Even those who may be only a little or not at all aware that we have done to them the only exceptions so this is important will make we will make will be the cases where our disclosure would cause actual harm we're not supposed to harm or injure anymore guys these conversations can begin in a casual natural way but if no such opportunity presents itself at some point we want to summon all our courage head straight for the person concerned and lay our cards on the table. We need not wallow in excessive remorse before those we have harmed. What does it say in the big book? We don't, right, crawl. We don' t crawl in front of these people. We're children of God now, right? God will keep on the firing line of life and God will keeps you unharmed is what it says in our book. But amends at this level should always be forthright and generous you're not no one explained you as generous before you came to aa nobody right you might have been generous with the first couple of drinks on friday night until the check ran out there can only be one consideration which quality qualify our desire for complete disclosure of the damage we have done that will arise in the occasional situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm that must be bad the one to whom we are making amends for quite as important other people that's exactly what our step says right except when to do so would injure them or other people they're making a point of this we cannot for example alone in a detailed account of an extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of an unsuspecting wife or husband and even in those cases where such a matter must be discussed let's try to avoid harming third parties also known as other people whoever they may be it does not lighten our burden when we recklessly make crosses of others heavier and i have written down as i did a couple paragraphs ago but what we always did we always made it harder on other people just for this much comfort for us right that question can arise in other departments of life where the same principle is involved. Suppose, for instance, that we have drunk up a good chunk of the firm's money, whether by borrowing or a heavily padded expense account. Suppose that this may continue to go undetected if we say nothing. Do we instantly confess our irregularities to the firm in the practical certainty that we will be fired and become unemployable? Or are we going to be so rigidly reckless about making amends that we don't care what happens to the family in the home? or do we first consult those who are to be gravely affected? Do we lay the matter before our sponsor? Again, big difference in the book. They didn't talk to the sponsor at all, ever, never in the big book. But it says do we lay this matter before a sponsor or spiritual advisor earnestly, so we show it to the person, but it says earnestly asking God's help and guidance because our sponsor spiritual advisor will be sleeping at three o'clock in the morning right when these things pop up when i can't sleep at three right they tell me to call but that guy's not picking out right he's not picking up to go through an amends with me i gotta go to god it says earnestly asking god's help and guidance meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear guys the reason there's not 50 something 60 whatever there was in the first bunch of episodes here is we're on step nine people don't want to do the right thing when it becomes clear we've been doing steps no i mean every week every day throughout this last year and a couple of months and always when we get past i mean one two and three are packed four less five six seven they might come hang around because it's fun right eight nine they really fall off and by the time we get to 12 we're usually hanging out with the same people we hang out anyway right people don't want to do the right thing it's it's just how we are uh cost what it may of course there is no answer which can fit all such dilemmas but all of them that means like all of them bill right john andrew all of them require a complete willingness to make amends here we go again guys they missed this one in the fellowship from 1970 to current day as fast and as far as may be possible in a given set of conditions make your amends immediately get to your promises which will be on in a little while no amends no promises right before we're halfway through we're going to hear in a Little while you don't need to wait the other thing too is get some amends done so you can start doing 10 11 and 12 you're not going to be able to make every amends immediately boy oh boy you got a head start though in covid where you can write people letters because you couldn't leave you might have missed your chance you might Have to go see him in person that with a mask even at a restaurant 70 capacity who knows right rob this is important rob write this down because it says above all laurie i see you laughing it's good to laugh i see cindy laughing too above all we should try to be absolutely sure that we are not delaying because we are afraid afraid fear for the readiness to take full consequences of our past acts and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time is the very spirit of step nine and i have written on the bottom of my book here above all most important so above all it says we can't delay because we're afraid. And who's going to make us unafraid? Will we get help from some good people, right? Do I talk to Bill and Rob and William and Russell and Andrew and Melissa and Cindy now and Doug and Daniel? All these people help me, right. They all help me but i get ready with god and that's the big deal that for all those years in aga i didn't have god right he got me sober i know he wanted to be sober because there's no other explanation but i didn' t have a relationship with him so i end up in bed on mondays children going to school wife going to work me home sober no drinks and i'm staying at home watching movies taking naps because i don't want to go to work because i'm depressed because i haven't done my work and i have relationship with god so let's go turn to page 83 in our book baby so it says up here so we clean house with the family asking each morning meditation that our creator they're really going to touch on it here more but they do it so much in 12 and 12 but not a lot in then 12 and12 if you see there not as much as here it says asking that our creator god show us the way of patience tolerance kindliness and love i'm on the top of 83 the spiritual life is not a theory we have to live it in italics important janet marianne adrian right we have to live in unless one's family expresses desire to live on spiritual principles we think we ought not urge them we should not talk incessantly to them about spiritual matters they will change in time our behavior so was i supposed to be respected by my wife and kids when i'm home in bed and i'm supposed to have a suit on and be at work did my behavior change no i got some more amends to make right i made some amends this morning i don't know if it had anything to do with tonight i don'T think so but i saw some stuff and i got in touch with an old employer who's a friend and and my parents and what do parents do they're like my father was like stop my mother was like if you if this makes you feel better it's fine but we love you just the way you are everything you did and i'm like i gotta do it right it came up um we must remember that 10 or 20 years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone so guys almost 20 years of not drinking but drunkenness right same behavior as before just no johnny walker right no no shots i don't know there may be some wrongs we can never fully write we don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves we would write them if we could now here comes the covid line that i don't know bill knew covid was coming but check this line out some people cannot be seen during covid or they're dead or whatever we send them an honest letter now in aa i heard you can't write them you can you can't write that you have to find you have to go fly in an airplane boy oh boy it sounds like time I'm wasting that I could be working with other people because I can make that via text today I can made that via email today I can call someone but it says even the dead people people I know I won't be able to see I write them a letter we write them an honest letter beautiful stuff man and there may be valid reason for postponement in some cases but we don't delay again like it said in the 12 and 12 if it can be avoided we should be sensible tactful considerate and humble without being servile or scraping as people of aa as our sponsors agents as representatives of our group they don't say that you know when i do this you've been this is nine weeks it don't say that i'm saying bad english on purpose too it don's freaking say that it says as god's people we stand on our feet we don't crawl before anyone right everyone makes mistakes we've made our mistakes we didn't know we were making them in most cases we've now found out right we put the bit in our teeth and give up control and we're god's people who keep us unharmed and we go get this done and then it says if we're painstaking about this phase of our development so that means if we incur some pain that means like the 12 and 12 just said i can't not do the ones that will bother me that i'm afraid of if i am painstaking if i'm willing to right get some pain which remember something trish and james and melissa and joe i avoided pain my whole life and i know i do a pretty good job of it today right if we are painstaken about this phase of our development here we go again like it's said in the in the 12 and 12 we'll be amazed the results will amaze us if we just do them same thing i tell you a story about one of my children right there's been some people he's supposed to reach out to to thank them and i've been asking him for two months to do it right it's just one of those things you know i guess kids don't want to do or whatever it is and finally got him to do it literally before this meeting and he sent the text out and the four people responded so positively within seconds he was reading the text back to me right there was pain involved it was uncomfortable for him but as soon as he did the action right he sees the result so hopefully next time it'll be easier for him to do i don't know maybe i helped him a little bit we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness so let me ask somebody let me go to page two let me let me look at this let me go to anita so they is that like the the happiness and freedom we used to know no why because i wasn't happy you were free and what does the book say though what kind of happiness and freedom is it a new freedom and a new happiness too right so it means it's freedom and happiness that we haven't experienced before right we don't spend a lot of time but we want to get right to the promises well i actually want to really get through the promises so i can share let's get through this promise let's gets through the meeting let's get through the reading because i know what i've been sharing about since i woke since i was brushing my teeth i knew what i was going to talk about this morning so i don't even know what the promises really say but it says new happiness and a new freedom we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it these are the promises they're talking about the past will become my greatest asset, Andrew. Right? We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. People like us are going to know peace? Gabriela? Liam? Harry? Megan listening? Peter? We're going to know peace no matter how far down On the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. My experience might have benefited one of my sons today. Maybe. Maybe my amends to my parents might make them make amends to someone else someday. I don't know. I'm guessing not. They're a little thick-headed. But who knows? That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will go to a magic show. Uselessness and Self-Pity, abracadabra, voila, disappears. I see you Lola, don't think I don't see you, whoo-hoo, disappears! Think about that. Think of these promises. You're going to see them in the Ten Step Promises too, right? Right. As soon as we do what we're supposed to do, it just happens like I don't have to do the work anymore. It disappears. We will lose interest in selfish things. Selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of my troubles, it says in our book. And it says I'm going to lose interest In those things. That's a damn good promise when it says that selfishness will kill me. I must be rid of it. God makes that possible. So if I'm going to lose interest in it, God must be doing it and gain interest in our fellows. See, that's a hard one. If anybody is reading, you know, gospel and stuff like that the last couple of days, you Know, it's all about the shepherd and all that stuff. And it said in there, if I'm getting paid for it, right, if it's not really my sheep, when trouble comes, I'm going to run. Right? I'm gonna run because they're not my sheep and I'm only concerned with myself. Here it says, I'll gain interest in my fellows. So I care about people today. Like I care that the people were taken through the steps. i care about the people that are i don't use the word as much so much sponsees the people i work with right we have scheduled we talk to each other once a week some of us talk to Each other daily we text like 40 times a day because you know they're important to me they're part of my my life they're the shepherd thing don't just think we're sheep we're supposed to be shepherds ourself. I don't care about those other people. Self-seeking will slip away. What's slippery? Like a slip and slide. Think about that. You go on a slip-and-slide, self-seekings. This is the second, third selfish thing. Self-pity disappears, right? Lose interest in selfish things. Self-Seeking slips away. selfishness is my bad thing i gotta get rid of and they're it's going away fear of people this is a russell doozy if you've listened to russell tapes fear of people and an economic insecurity will leave us you'll always be broke but the fear will leave you right but the peer of people i think the fear of people is way tougher than economic insecurity right i it's it's tough but the economic insecurity i'll tell you what man that stuff comes up no matter it seems like no matter where i've been in the economic structure that thing always finds a way to creep itself in and i gotta go to god we will it leaves us though that's pretty cool like i don't even have to do anything Again, after you make some amends. Before we're halfway through, you're going to get these things. You'll lose them quickly if you don't do the rest. I promise you. I've seen it. If there are people that are going to believe it, we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. Wow. Imagine if someone came in and said, what's going on here? I make I'm going to promise you something. All the shit that's been messing with you your whole life. You're going to be able to handle. Would you would be would that excite you as opposed to come on in and let me tell you how I'm having trouble with my sister-in-law at the holidays? Imagine if someone can you came in the room from rehab or wherever and they said to you all the shit that's been messing with you your whole life right the stuff that baffled you you're going to be able to learn how to handle with god maybe more people would stay we will suddenly realize that god is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves not my group right i enjoy this group of people here some of my favorite people in the whole world are on here right but god does for me what i can't do for myself right i'm really close with melissa and william russell and i mean these people i'm like tight but when things are bad i don't i don'T THINK ABOUT THEM FOR A SECOND WHEN THINGS ARE TOUGH IN MY HEAD RIGHT GOD IS DOING FOR US WE CANNOT DO FOR OURSELF are these extravagant promises? Question mark. So it's a question, are they extravagate? They sound pretty extravagante. I just told you, what if all the shit that bothered you your whole life you're easily able to handle now? That sounds pretty extravagant. What are the first 100? Melissa, what are the First 100? How do they answer that? Are these extravagant promises? We think not. We think not. The first 100 say they're not extravagent. Why? They're being fulfilled among us, the first 100, sometimes quickly. Didn't realize this until we did the primary purpose guide study book. Sometimes quickly, Bill. Sometimes slowly, Bob. they will always materialize if we work for them if we make our amends is what we're referring to today these are beautiful books with all our answers and I hope I gave you a little bit of experience you want to go back to really quick when I came in here in 1996 I did literally all my amends in an afternoon i was willing and i had that insatiable thing and god set me up man i would go to the next house and the person would be on the front lawn i'd go tothe next house and thepersonwouldbeonthe porch i go to i mean it was just unbelievable how it happened but i didn't really truly knew what i was doing didn'treally make amends but i think it had a lot to do while i'm why i'm still here and i'm really grateful to be here and again i still can't believe i was asked to do this and i hope uh i hope it was it was decent tonight that's what i hope thank you guys peace and love