Why Meditation Never Seems to Work at First – Don H.

About This Speaker Tape

Forty-five seconds of breathing before the snoring starts loud enough to rattle the windows. Don H. describes the grating friction of early sobriety, where meditation feels like an exercise in futility and the mind is a "monkey" jumping from tree to tree. He speaks of the "shipwreck" of a life lived as "Shit-faced Shimmy," a persona born from a bloodline of "shit-faced assholes" and a father who was a "fucking mental case."

The wreckage is concrete: a jail cell, a one-eyed raccoon named Popeye, and a graveyard. Don H. details the raw work of the steps—offering tuna fish as a peace offering to a forest animal and standing before a mother's headstone to admit he was a "sober asshole." He rejects the family business of abuse, declaring that the buck stops with him to protect his son. It is a gritty account of distance—putting space between the man he was and the man he is becoming through a Higher Power.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Brian B. describes his first clumsy attempts at meditation and falling asleep.
• 1:30 Laughter: Brian B.'s internal monologue about floating in 'Higher Power consciousness' while meditating.
• 3:00 Brian B. reflects on his first year of sobriety and the role of his sponsor, Rob R.
• 5:00 The encounter with Popeye the raccoon; Brian B. attempts to make amends to the animal.
• 7:30 Brian B. discusses the 12 Step process of looking at the past and his role in the wreckage.
• 9:00 Emotional moment: Brian B.'s apology and amends to his deceased mother.
• 11:00 The confrontation with his father's headstone and the discussion of generational trauma.
• 12:30 Brian B.'s vow to end the 'family business' of alcoholism and abuse for the sake of his son, Tommy T.
• 14:00 The final, visceral act of contempt toward his uncle's grave.