Why He Stopped Worrying About Whether People Like Him – Russell

My name is Russell Spatz, I'm an alcoholic. So let's try to figure this thing out. I haven't found a necessary drink since January... Thank you. This gives you sort of a premonition as to how this thing is going to go. January, oh yeah, listen friend. Now to that guy who can't remember anything. January 25th, 1981, right? Right? Yeah, so I'm in my 44th year of sobriety, and it's good to be here. And I hope I say something that helps somebody. It'll probably help me, but that's the way it goes. So we were at dinner with Ed over there and Henry. Henry and the Prof are great guys. And so I think it was Ed. It's hard to remember because it was a half an hour ago. I think what Ed said, so let's step you on. and immediately Henry said he's on step 6 I'm always on step 6 so I'm going to throw in a pinch of 8 or 9 or something so you won't feel gypped why is step 6 so important to me you know I have look here's the deal I'm not any better than anybody here I just happen to be around longer than a lot of people, so I've suffered a lot with repeated humiliations the final question about self-sufficiency so anything you hear from me that sounds crazy or stupid or you don't like just let me tell you that I'm a product of working the steps in Alcoholics Anonymous so there's a possibility that even though you think I'm saying crazy shit don't make too much fun of me because you don'T know where you're going to be in 10, 15, 20, 30 years You know, you may be standing up saying the same thing I'm saying from a different vantage point. Because I have a different advantage point. I have an interesting sort of advantage point, the interesting thing about having time is so I've got like, I'm in my 44th year, so think about what that means. What that means, I mean I have more time than Bill Wilson, last time he wrote when he was like 31 when he wrote it. You know, when did they do that conference of proof stuff? When Bill had 15 years. Everybody else had less than 15 years? Let me tell you what that means. And I'll try to explain to you what the deal is and maybe we'll get something out of this or not because you're free to disregard the whole bit, really. It won't bother me. What it means is that when I had 20 years sobriety, when I celebrated 20 years sobrietry, no I'm sorry when I celebrated 24 years sobriety you know how many people have 24 years or less here or less so let me tell you what that means when I had 24 years or less sobrieting that was over 20 years ago think about that That was over 20 years ago. There's a lot of people, if you're like me, when I had three years or four years or five or seven or eight or nine or ten, I would say, when I first came out, I'd say, man, if I could only get five years, man, I would be like a superstar. And then it's, oh man, if I can get 10 years, if I get double digits, what's that like? That's got to be basically it. No more problems than I had 10 years. And then I said, man it's like that because because back then maybe even here if you had 20 years that's like almost like old-timer it's really not but you know so I think it's like a mini is like a many old timers on 20 years that sounds like a lot that's a man if I can only get 20 years surprise and 20 years then your sponsors are the guys with like 30 and 35 years you know what I mean And he said, man, if I can only have 30 years, let me get 30 years. So, and there's a reason why a guy with 20 years chooses a guy with 30 years because I don't know how you work, but I always hang out with people who have what I want. So when I had 10 years, I hung out with a guy who had 15 or 20 years. when I had 20 years, hung out with a guy who had 30 and 35 and 40 you know that's the deal and now I'm in my 44th year and everybody else is dead they're all dead all I got is you guys you're the best I can do I have a good sponsor his name's Dion every once in a while we talk I want to check to see if he's still alive because I don't want to have to get another sponsor I get I have the sponsees that are 30 35 years they call me up once every once every six months I thought I'd call up to see how you doing I said oh you're worried you don't want to have to get another sponsor huh you want to make sure I'm still alive so so why is the sixth step is it why am I always so I'm I'm going to tell a little later tonight, but I've got to do that. But why is it? Because when you're around for time, you know what you see? You see a lot of people drink. You see a lot o' people drink! You see a lot O' people with 10 years' drink, a lot OF people with 5 months' drink. You go and see a LOT of people with 1 year's drink. You see A LOT of PEOPLE with 15 years'. You see people with 20 years' drink. You see people with 30 years of strength. You see a lot of people drink. And you see a lot of people drink who have done a fourth step. Do you hear me? You see a lot of people drink who have done a fourth step. I see a lot of people drink that have done a fifth step. Let me just tell you the truth on the ground. This doesn't conflict with the big book. The big book says, why do we do the fifth step? Because if you don't do it, you might drink it. That's true. But guess what? Doing the fifth stuff doesn't guarantee you're not going to drink. I see a lot of people drink at five years, at ten years, and fifteen years, and twenty years, and thirty years. I see a lot of people have thirty or forty years that aren't drinking but they're miserable and they're lonely. and almost everybody I see that drinks, that has substantial time, whatever you call substantial time. Time enough so they've got time to basically do the steps and everything like that. Almost everybody I see who drinks. I know you have people that tell you the reason people drink is because they don't go to meetings or they stop going to meetings. Well it may be true that a lot of people drink because they stop Going to Meetings but the real question is why do they stop Go to Meetnings? And I can tell you this. I'm just going to throw this out, and it may be wrong. I'll bet in A there's more people that drink that go to meetings than people that go drink that don't go to meets. I don't know for a fact. I'm saying shit just to bother you. Just so that you'll think about that. Because when I'm here, I see a lot of people. I see people say I drank because I stopped going to meetings. You hear that stuff, so you think that's the truth. But I know people, I see a lot of people that drink while they're going. After they go to meetings, have a sponsor and all of that. I see the number of people who drink who've done the 8th step. I see how many people drink who's done the 9th step As a matter of fact, the truth is I think most people do the 8 step and the 9 step during their first year or two. First 18 months. And a lot people do that stuff, do the steps as they drink. But I'll tell you what I don't see. I don' t see anybody who's seriously doing 6 and 7 and never drinking again. What do you think of that? I'm just telling you two things. Whenever I'm with somebody who's taking 6 and7 seriously, they've got permanent sobriety. Now you can say that's bullshit, there's no such thing. You can call me, I don''t care. What do I care? I'm laughing all the way to the back. I don ''t care whether you like me or not or you believe me or n ''t. You know, I'm just, listen, at least I can walk out of here and tell them the truth. They can see I'm full of shit. It's not going to bother me, you know? A lot of people don't like me. It's okay. You know? If you're a pupil that's not been screwed, you don't want to worry about what people are thinking about you. You know what I mean? You don't wants to do that deal. That's a terrible moment. That's what the 89 Institute certainly is set about. You know. Not walking around with guilt and all that sort of stuff and feeling like a piece of shit, you know, that's all that stuff where you're driving in a car you know you know that line i say you're driving in the car and you got six years or ten years all of a sudden you hear this voice that you're an asshole you have to tell yourself all that self-talk self-deprecation it all comes from like sort of eight and nine and some other stuff but the truth of the matter is the truth is whenever i had three people i want you to imagine my life if you can imagine my light at 7 a.m in the morning i go to a meeting you know on zoom great meeting with great people about 40 50 people called surrounding group anybody wants my email i'll put you on the email list and you go to that meeting it's great meeting at 12 o'clock i go and then fully the live meeting which is like a christian sort of 12-step thing we just met from all over the world and then at four o'lock i goto my home group which is south dixie and then friday nights i I do that every day. And Friday nights, we have a live gun meeting, which is two hours long at 7 o'clock. And then on Saturday, we have workshop from 9.45 till around 12.30 or 1 o' clock. It's about three hours long. We get about 90 people at that deal. You know what I mean? So, I mean, you talk about drastic. You talk about crazy. It's crazy stuff. But, you know, the thing is, people can do the steps till the cows come home and still drink. yeah, 10 step you can, it's true and nothing so untrue as sobriety whatever that is we can talk about sobrietry then intensive work without knowledge I think to a great extent Bill Wilson said in the book this is the line in the books many times in my first 18 months I felt waves of self-pity it almost drove me back to drink I find when I pick myself up and go to the hostel I talk to a new man there I was amazingly lifted up on my feet it's a design for living that works it is and it's true and I've done it a gazillion times and if you go down and you talk to somebody try to help somebody else, you won't drink but the next day you'll feel like pulling your brains out I mean, I know what you want it's not a permanent it won't give you necessarily the joy of living permanently. It won't rocket you into the fourth dimension of existence. We have this line in the book that says you will be rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence Does anybody know what the fourth dimensional of existence is? Let me tell you the difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is here today and God tomorrow Joy never leaves Joy never leaves. Life of joy you ever run into anybody here that's living a life of joy you can sense it you'll see it you know I know a lot of people that are dying of cancer that they have joy you'll never hear them complain and then I know some people that have no problems all it says false shit and all they'll do is complain to you that's the difference between joy now happiness is like when you get the money you get laid you know something that happens you get the car you got the job you know that's happiness and then you go down in the twos when you know the guy won't talk to you you lose the prize that's that's the life of happiness joy is feeling safe secure and grateful without the car without the girl without the guy without the romance without anything because you don't need anything to be to have joy and you know that rocket ship ride in the fourth dimension it just says two you only need two things only two things it's called the great fact check on it, check me up on it check the book on it it says you only need two things number one God's got to be the central factor of your life and number two you've got to convince without doubt that he lives in your heart and mind in a way which is deep and miraculous two things God's number one the most important thing in your life and number 2 he's living with you and you have no doubt about it doesn't say an intensive work with alcohol that's not there that's what will keep you sober while you're wanting to blow your brains up when you lose the car and you lose a girl and you want to die and you wanna kill yourself you take yourself down to the hospital you took to a new man there you're amazing lift up on your feet and you get to be sober one day at a time until the girl leaves again you know what i mean you're still in bondage to the world you know so so none of those steps they'll keep you physically sober for a while but you understand you understand something about this alcohols drink because they like the effect produced by alcohol now listen because this is all big book stuff you know you can write new york don't say yeah well that's in the big one they are here's here's the reason because if you're an alcoholic you're restless irritable and discontented and you can answer i think you add stuff here. I think they say restless here, but I think you could add angry, bored, you know, angry, bored. You could add lonely I think. You can add all sorts of scared, afraid. You can have a lot of stuff. Let's just stick with the restless here and we'll discontent it. Unless they can again... That's the way we are. Ready? Sober. Sober, that's sober. if you're sober that's the way you are you don't know you're that way because since you were like a sperm or unicelled animal you've always felt that way so you don'T know there's any other way of feeling if I told you there was another way of healing you'd say well that's too good to be true because alcoholics say that alcoholics says stuff well that'S too good to be TRUE if it sounds good it's not true if it's bad Well, that sounds bad. That's got to be correct. You know what I mean? That's the way it is. Well, that's shit. That's no doubt that's the truth, you know? I'm still good in the future. But here's the deal. So, if ever since you were six years old, I mean, alcoholism isn't like a virus. It isn't like a virus, you know, you catch it at six and now you've got it. You've had it all your life. It's in your mind, not your body. So, that means since you were three years old you've been restless discontented. They just thought it was like you were rambunctious or something, you know, you run around or whatever it is, you know? Sometimes people call alcoholics childish. They have childish emotions, you know? Because they act like children. They act like two-year-olds, you know, angry two- year-olds. So you've been... I've been an alcoholic ever since I've had a child but I didn't know it because I've never felt anything... If alcoholism has been rest considerable discontented, you know, scared, frightened, lonely, feeling ill about eating, or whatever the heck it is. You know, it is, whatever you call alcoholism. I know it when I see it. You know? Sometimes I can shake somebody's hand and say, man, that guy's definitely an alcoholic. I can just, you know... I hear the phrase... If I'm somewhere and I hear this phrase, why is this shit always happening to me? I'd say, that guys an alcoholic I don't care whether he drinks or not, I know he's an alcoholic If he doesn't drink, I feel sorry for him He's never going to make it in K.A., but he's an alcoholic, okay? If I hear somebody say, they don't know who they're screwing with as an alcoholic. No question about it. We have our own language. We have Our Own Thinking. Way of thinking. You know, that kind of stuff. Alcoholism is a disease that centers in your mind. It's not the drinking. The drinking is not the disease. The big book says the drinking is only the symptom of the disease, the disease centers in your mind not your body, the disease is the fact that ever since you were five, you've been restless, even before that but who knows what's going on, you were restless, irritable, discontented before you took your first drink why do you keep on drinking? Because we go through the chemical addiction craving stuff but the truth is you crave a lot of things it says God will show you how to create the fellowship you crave, you crave fellowship you crave fellowship you crave people liking you you crave people caring about you you hate people rejecting you you can crave a lot of things but here's the thing if you're an alcoholic your rest and cerebral discontent up until you take your first drink you take the drink we drink because that fixes that stuff alcohol strength like the effect produced by alcohol somebody likes the effect produced by heroin drug addicts okay but it's the same mechanism we drink because of it gives us a certain good it gets rid of the other feelings until it turns on us you know as also throw the crap that happens to us so we we we hit bottom hopefully not everybody not everybody who comes in a is hit bottom why all this insistence on hitting bottom because nobody's going to do this stuff unless they think their lives depend upon it. You know? Now, I don't know whether this is true or not what I'm about to say, but I'll just say it. So why do people drink? Because they probably, they drank because they probably... It could be because they haven't hit bottom. I don' t know. I don''t know. But I think what happened with me and all I'm the only one I can talk about is I absolutely hit bottom with alcohol. What I mean by that is I was absolutely convinced that I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanaged as a matter of fact, I don't know whether it's true or not but I think the main thing in AA is, I do not have the book in front of me on the one hand it says we are convinced that we are active does the first step remind you because, you know, doesn't the first step say that we admit that we're powerless over alcohol? No, I figured it out. But thanks anyway. Does the first steps say that we admit we're powers over alcohol and our life is unmanageable? There's where the problem is. There's where the problems is. I can't help some of you. I can. I don't deal with that deal. I mean, I can, I mean, I've 12-step people. I know what to do with the alcohol. I know how to talk to somebody that way and to give a drunk log and everything like that. But that's not the people I deal with. Because even though the book says we admit we're powerless over alcohol, what it also says in Chapter 5, tell me if I'm wrong, is there's one who has all power. Does it say that? There's one that has all the power? Yeah. and that one is God may you find him now isn't that what it says it doesn't say there is one who has all power over alcohol it says there is one that has all power and that one is God may you find him now because if God only has power over alcohol then what are you going to do when you get sober and you still have alcohol because now you're sober but now you are back to 6 years old now you re back to square one now youre back to the disease that centers in your mind rather than your body now you r back to being restless, irritable and discontented so here s the deal I got a call before 6 o clock in the morning at 5.30 I got called from somebody who was sober who was dying and then at 7.30 I got another call and then I got another call like before 12 o'clock I'm dealing with three crazies and all of them are sober one of them had drank and all were sober and guess what their problem was guess what their problem wasn't it wasn't alcohol it wasn'T alcohol can you believe that you know that's my life every day I get two or three or four or five calls i mean you may not believe this from and i love it i in one sense i like it because i need to do that i need be working i need me giving away i need to be helping people because i know that's what the lord wants me to do and i want to do it and i'm grateful to being able to do it but i i rarely if ever get a call from somebody who has a drinking problem i mean there's too many detoxes other things at hand but i get calls from people that i got 10 years and i feel like killing myself you know i got that and every time i get a call from those people you know uh sandy beach used to say every problem has to do with this connection with god every solution is connection with god and i get and every night we get a call with somebody who's got time and these are people who have done the uh the third step they've done the first step they're done you know the eighth step the ninth step all that sort of stuff yeah sure i say i you have to know the rudimentary things you have to say and i think one of the guys i even said i said well you have to you need to pick up the phone and say you're sorry i did that just the other day with somebody i said you need we were sitting at lunch and they were upset they were obsessed about something they were pissed off and everything like that i said listen let me tell you something the reason you're upset and why you can't let it go is you need to actually tell them you're so sorry you need tell them your sorry you're wrong and I said, wait a second let me get him on the phone and I got him on the phone and I'm with so-and-so he wants to talk he says, I'm sorry I was wrong I put the phone away I said how do you feel now he says I feel okay sometimes it's so obvious that you have to do eight or nine you've got to do these things but most of the people that have a problem that's going on in their life and they're unsteady in their sobriety. But they're not drinking. They can pick up a 10-year medallion. The problem is not the 8th step or the 9th step these are rudimentary steps these are designed for living that works. You do them and you'll live and you will be able to not drink and not destroy yourself. But if you want to get that rocket ship ride it's not so much the steps those steps are rudimentary steps what i found at least i found this in my own life because even up to 20 years 20 years 24 years and i'm not saying i got it all together now don't everybody says well russell says he's perfect that's not true but up until around 16 17 19 20 years or something like that i still suffered from you know anxiety you know, fear worry for anyone people thought about me all that sort of stuff on a routine basis I just handled it better and I look better about doing it but I still suffer from that stuff but it wasn't until I started really getting serious about step six you know the people that call me up have a problem in the level of God The God level. And so that's why I talk about it all the time. That's why i talk about all the time. And let me tell you one of the reasons. Let me just give you a reason. I'm just throwing some stuff out there that you may not ever hear at meetings. Just some stuff that you say to either. My sponsor used to say to me, the problem with our folks is they get too well too fast. I'm not totally sure what that meant, but I mean, I'm sure now what that means because I see it in my own life. I see the guys that, I understand now what that means. I understand that at a deeper level. Well, you understand it. The level I used to understand it at is these guys would come in and get their wife back, their girlfriend back. You know, I say guys, it's also girls but I don't sponsor girls. I'm not sure of the same thing. They get everything back. They get the car back. you know, and they get the car back they get their gal back, they get a guy back they get job back, members of society they're handing them yellow chips green chips, white chips purple chips, medallions they have a birthday party for them and they go to meetings and they're secretary of the group and they sponsor people and they do all this stuff, you understand what I'm saying? it's all wonderful when I came to AA I knew I was powerless over outfall. I knew I was powerless over outflow. My name's Russell, I'm an outlaw, I come powerless over upfall. I'm powerless over alcohol. But in the back of my mind I knew I wasn't powerless. Now let me try to explain it to you this way. I had a car. I used to get in my car and drive up here toward the 101 Club. I used to drive 50 miles. I'd make a decision. I'm going to the one-on-one club. I'm gonna work with this guy. And I would drive all over and do these things. And I'd go to work, and I'd earn money. And I had a wife, and I go out with friends and everything like that, and I sponsor people. Let me tell you something. I don't know how to explain this to you. It's easy to feel powerless, I guess, over your life if you're on the street and you're drunk and can't stop drinking, it's like you just know it's over. You surrender. I give up. Who am I kidding? But when you own a car and you can drive at 80 miles per hour up here, you know what I mean? It's hard to think that you don't have any power because everything around you in your world says you're powerful. You got all this... Now listen, I don't want powerless over alcohol, but man, i can drive that car 80 miles per hour 100 miles per hour i can buy things i can own things everything in my life tells me i have power and let me tell you what that does to somebody like me maybe just human beings maybe it's not just alcoholics what it does is that when i have 10 years or five years and they're handing me the medallions and coming up to me and saying hey russ you didn't break the first step whatever the hell they're saying to me that kind of deep down inside of me underneath all the and everything in a spot that i don't see my subconscious or something what i really think i don´t think i'm sober because of god i don''t think I'm sober i think i´m sober because i'm doing all this I think I'm sober because of me I don't really feel powerless, I mean don't get me wrong, I know how to quote the big book I'll tell you I'm powerless, of course there's a God, grace of God and I'll say all the right stuff but deep down inside I'm thinking that really the reason I'm sober is because look at all these people I sponsor and look at these meetings I go to look at what I'm doing, I think I'm over it has really much it really doesn't have much to do with god as it does with working the program that's how bill wilson felt for 20 years that's why he started taking lsd because the program he was doing nobody was doing the program better than bill wilsen so explain to me why he was taking lst to feel better i'm not putting bill wilston down as a As a matter of fact, he admitted this. Everybody knew about it. He wrote an essay called The Next Frontier. And he said, I got it all right. This is Bill Wilson. I got It All Wrong. I made a mistake. I was working in AA, my work in AA. Everything else except for God. You know? When you're running around and doing all this powerful stuff and all this stuff and the pack you're collecting and you're sober and you'RE not drinking, you think you're doing great and you're sober because of what you're doing and then without even knowing it you realize that the God of your understanding is you. That you're the God of your understandings. Who knows you better than you? I get these people that call me up there's basically three, there's probably more types of people one person will call me and start talking to me about his problems I can't shut him up he'll filibuster for 30 minutes about his problem the dog died and my wife said this my wife says that if I try to get an answer and he doesn't want to you know I start listening because I always give a person the benefit of the doubt that they're actually asking for help that they feel powerless and they want help and they really want to listen they don't wantto listen what they want to do is they just want to vomit all over me because why should they listen because they already, as they're vomiting on me, they'll say, and I know what the problem is. The problem is, you know, I think this or I can't. God forgives me but I can forgive myself or the problem's this or the problema's that. Why would he listen to me when he already knows the answers? You know what I mean? He's not interested in what I have to say. And a lot of that is about if you tell somebody you call them up and you vomit on them because you want attention or something like that. and if you tell them you know what the answer is then you protect yourself from him telling you that you need to do something you don't want to do do you understand what i'm saying because you're telling this is all the problems this is what i have and i know this is the reason why and i know i have to do this that the other thing then it protects them from you saying you need to do you know because they don't really want to hear what you have to say and then there are of people that call up and they'll they'll sort of they'll they'll listen to you and they say no no you don't understand because then i'm interested either you know and then you'll have a guy who says look i have a problem they'll start a voice in maybe in a minute or so and i don't know what the answer is and i'll i'll say can i make sure and then i can talk to that person because you can't help anybody unless they need help want help and ask for help and then shut the hell up you understand that's why i use that thing i've told you how to use responses i give it to you when somebody calls you up and they ask you a question because they seemingly because you think because alcoholics are great manipulators they'll drive you nuts you'll get out of trouble with alcohol as a problem and after 30 minutes of talking to them you'll walk away and you'll feel guilty and crappy and they're okay they just chucked an h-bomb on you you'll feel like want to drink okay you know so so this is how you do this you say you say okay I understand what your problem is. He says, listen, I got 10 years. You got six months. Whose brain do you want to use on this? I need the answer to that. And then, some of them will answer right away, but some of the people think about it. He says 10 years, I think I'll use your brain. Okay, great. Then you can talk to him. Because when they interrupt you and say, well, I think, you say, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. The rules of this conversation is we're not using your brain because you're fucking crazy and what if I know you're crazy because I used to be crazy like you what if your craziness is fucking contagious what if I walk out of here and I'm not crazy anymore like you and what If I walk outta here and you're so crazy and I catch it that could be harmful to me so I thought we agreed we were going to use my brain because my brain says your only problem is this and I only know one step really one it's also I combined them in a sense too that says this is the step that separates the men from the boys now I'm not quite completely sure maybe this is how it works and I'm doubting it because it worked for me in the long run why the sixth step and the seventh step comes before eight and nine. There's probably a reason for it. I don't know. There's possibly a reason. Personally, I think that's like the top two steps. I know one thing. Those are the steps you really have to eventually get right if you want permanent sobriety. I mean, I'll tell you what. You can be three months sober and do an eighth step. You can get years sober and doing an eighth set. Man, I'm telling you, I wasn't really doing the sixth step until I was in like 15 years. I mean, the implications. You know, the implications that the sixth tip is the one that separates you out from everybody else. The implications that a man who was doing the six step is trying to grow in the image and likeness of their creator, of their God. Growing his image and liking which means you've got to know what his image is, who he is, what he is have it fixed in your mind what you're walking towards. You've got an image of God that you're working towards and it ain't you and more than anything else your whole life is about growing this image and likeness and getting on your knees and saying God remove everything that happens so I can walk in the steps you want the idea that that's a step in a sea of meetings where they say don't talk about that shit you're killing newcomers the same exactly won't heal synonymous I hang around hundreds and hundreds of people that say you do your program I'll do my program, your program go to a meeting that lasts one hour nobody talks about God and the one guy that talks about God says man you really talk about God too much in a book where all it does is mention God and that's it the reason why nobody gets involved in the 6th and 7th step is nobody talks about the 6 and 7 step you can go to meetings somebody will talk about the 5th step and they'll talk about driving the speed limit. They'll talk about driving the speed limit. Maybe some of you will have to explain that to me. There's nothing wrong with driving the speed limit. I don't know how much that has to do with making God the central factor of your life, but I know this. If driving the street limit is the sixth step, it's a lot less confrontational and a lot easier than saying, why don't you get on your knees and ask god for help and humble yourself to god it's a lot easier i would rather do the speed limit thing than the god thing for most alcoholics so that's why i that's why i talk about the six step all the time because that's the step that separates the ones who are going to stay sober from the ones who aren't going to say so when i hear somebody call me up with five years and they have 20 000 thoughts going they they they can't vomit fast enough their problems out there and then they go to this front and then this side and another thing and then this part and you can't even get a word in because i and i and you you finally stop them if you're lucky and say listen none of that is a problem none of those are problems. They're problems to you because you're crazy and you're upset. Let me tell you something. Every problem you have, you know the money problem? You know how they take away your credit cards? You know the wife problem?You know how your wife wants a divorce? You don't jail you know all those problems? 80% of people in the United States of America have the same problems and they don't talk and act like you. There are people in AA that have terminal cancer and they own complain about it. You know what your problem is? is you're crazy. And you know why you're lazy? Because you're scared and you're selfish and you are self-centered and you think you're sober and you do an AA. It's because you're doing every step of the 6th and 7th. You're doing every step like 6 or 7. The God steps. The real, you know somebody said well you're going to do the 3rd step. 3rd Step is easy. 3rd Stepp is not the God step. You guys think the 3d step is the God Step? you know what the third step is? You get down on your knees and you say the third step prayer. Then you get up and you're done with the third step. It's true, that's the third step. You get down on you knees one time you say your third step prayer and it says we have now completed the third set. Good luck for the next 25 years. Good luck. That's different than give, you know there's a line in the book there will come a time in every person's life, every alcoholic's life they'll have no defense against the first drink. Did you know that? This defense must come from God from a higher power. Has anybody ever heard that? Now I'm going to give you a little hint. You know it says there will come a times in every alcoholic life they'll have no offense against the third drink. Do you know when that time is going to be for you? Do you want to know when that time's going to me for you it's right now it's always now because you never know when that time is going to come because it doesn't come riding in without a black horse saying I'm here what happens is you just drank something happens you don't know whether you're going to be alive 15 minutes from now I don't even know whether I'm going to live 15 minutes you have no idea what's going to happen you're happy as a clam and you go out there and all of a sudden you run over a pedestrian and the next thing that happens somebody calls you up and you ask Salad God and then the IRS comes you never know what's going to happen you can be sober you never know how your life is going to change from moment to moment to moment you never know what is going to happen you can be sober six years and all of a sudden in one day you take a drink you know what it says in the big book it says this I'm just talking about Big Book says, oft times when you ask somebody who drank again why he drank, he'll give you an explanation. And quite frankly, he will give you an explanation which almost sounds plausible. You know, my Aunt Sally died, I lost all my money, I was fired from my job. But when you look at all the damage she's caused before him, it sounds like a crazy man talking. And the truth is, sad to say, is he has no idea why he drink then you have an idea of why he dragged him because that's the mental blindness that's delusion the only thing see the problem is I'm not only powerless over alcohol I'm powerless over let me tell you something I'll go home I have no idea what my wife's moods are going to be or what she's going to say to me but I know one thing I got no power over that I'm kind of up here and I'm talking sometimes I talk at conventions I have no idea whether you're going to like me or not like me or whatever it is I have power over what's going to happen to my job or what's gonna happen to the money or what'm gonna happen with my health or whether I'm gonna have cancer I have NO POWER OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE I know this, this is what I know for sure that when I was 20 years sober I didn't talk like this even though I was talking about A's I didn''t talk like that I know that somewhere along the way, the fear was lifted. Somewhere along the way, the fear was lifted, somewhere along the way I stopped worrying about what people in A were going to think about me, whether they're going to like me or not, somewhere along away about the time I stopped worrying about whether you were going to like me, I stopped worrying about whether everybody was going to like me, somewhere along the way I stopped grabbing at those straws or trying to get it, somewhere along the way I lost my bucket list, I stopped saying if I only had this, I only had this. If I only had that, if I only had this. Some of the way I lost it just, you know how one day you wake up, one day you can't stop drinking and the next day you stop drinking and you don't even want to drink? You know how that happens? How about one day, you're saying, if I only have a girl, if i can only this, if only that. How about the next day you wake up and you don't want any of that, it's not important to you. How about one day you want people to like you, the next day you don' t care what they like. You know, you just wanna, one day you're focused on this, next day you're focussed on God, you know and you start realising that you're living a life of joy and you feel great and stuff happens to you the doctor says you need to have a biopsy, we have signs you can't and it doesn't bother you, meanwhile you're having a guy call you up, he's got a hangnail he's going to commit suicide all I know is that when that stuff started happening to me you understand when that stuff started happening to me this is what i can tell you when the when the really really good stuff started happened to me it coincided almost exactly when i started talking about god the way i talked to you about god now i don't know which came first the chicken or the egg i don' t know whether i started focusing totally on god and not focused on anything else than talking about God because I wasn't ashamed of God and talking to everybody who would listen to me about God without worrying about what you think about me and then all of a sudden the fear would leave I know the book says we never apologize for God all men of faith have courage if I have courage maybe I'm a man of faith it says we never apologize for god, all men have courage they trust their God we never apologize for God instead we let him demonstrate what he's done for us in our lives at once he began we begin to outgrow fear it doesn't say we do intensive work with alcoholics and we outgrow fear it doesn'T say we do a fourth step and we outgrow fear it doesn'T say we do a fifth step and we outgrow fear it doesn't say we do anything any steps and we outgrow fear what it says in the big book it says it's very simple it says we never apologize for God or talk about God all men of faith have courage they trust their God instead they let him demonstrate they demonstrate their lives by their testimony but he would have them be at once they begin to outgrow fear so you have here's the question you've got to have and that's the thing when you outgrow fear you can do all the other steps they're all good, I'm not saying they're bad but when you outgrow your fear then you're not calling up people at 7.30 in the morning saying my life is over you're nicht worrying about whether people like you or not you're niet trinken you beat that thing in a sense you break that because of God how would you like to beat the fear thing I mean, I don't know maybe you guys you may have a different alcoholism than me maybe you have your only problem is not drinking maybe you never get anxious maybe you never worry about anything maybe you don't have a million thoughts maybe you don't talk to yourself and say I'm an asshole and I kill myself maybe you dont have bad thoughts about yourself and other people maybe you guys are already rocking in the fourth dimension of existence you know maybe I'm talking to the wrong crowd here you know I don't know but I rarely get people coming up to me and say I didn't understand a word you said they usually say something like you're talking about me so I got three minutes three minutes I told you you guys a story about my former wife, how I treated her so badly. Coming in at 4 o'clock in the morning and she finally kicked me out of the house and I'd leave her there with a wife and a child. I never beat her but I was selfish and self-centered and she was a sweet gal. I've told you that. I know a lot of you have heard that story. I'm not going to repeat it. And then before we got divorced, she said let's go see a marriage counselor because she believe, you know, there's a saying and I don't know if you guys have ever been married or been to a marriage, you know they have this thing called death do us part? Now you may find this hard to believe. Women believe that shit. I mean, I know we're just waiting for the party. You understand what I'm saying? And this is something you got to go through. But there are some women, one of them would be like my wife who's at home right now watching novellas, romantic novellAS, okay? She said, when you sit with me last night and watch this with me, I said she says, I promise you it's not romantic. I said, it's non-romantic? She said no, it is not romantic, okay, I'll sit I'm going to sit with you because I love you and I'll watch and I watch it within the first 15 minutes it's kissy kissy, huggy huggy unbelievable you know but I sat, let me tell you something I sat through like, I set three episodes I can't take it anymore not one person has been killed there's not been one karate fight no bombs dropped I mean there's only so much a man can tell you know what I mean but here's the deal so my wife says my wife my first wife says to me let's go to a marriage council try to patch this up and that's when he asked my wife the three questions how do you want to change Russell and he asked me he says how do you want to change your wife i said i just want to date other women you guys don't even get that the women who are looking at me saying this guy would be shot they get it you understand what i'm saying they get eviscerally okay and me it was just i wanted a date that night i wanted to blow up the whole thing so i wouldn't have to be married i was just looking for a way of blowing it up you know i um i made amends that lady i walked into a hospital room and i had a walk and she had cancer and uh i walked him to a hospital and i told her i said i just want you to know when i did that i was wrong and i apologized I was a crappy husband I said the whole bit who I was and what I was and I said I'm glad you divorced me because if you hadn't divorced me then I would have made your life so miserable we wouldn't be able to talk and then she said to me she said I thought I was wrong I thought it wasn't a good enough life well leave that shit you never know what people will think I said no you were perfect I was the one who was sick I was the sick bastard. I was a sick, you know, she's passed on now. And she forgave me, you know, and she's past that and we had a relationship and she got remarried and everything, you know, it was all cool. I gotta tell you something, to this day, there's this line in the book, the only line I disagree with in the books, there may be others, it says, we will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. I don't want to shut the door on that. I'm not going to I don'T WANT TO SHUT THE DOOR ON THAT BECAUSE I WANNA REMEMBER IN MY MIND I can't even imagine what person I'd be if that didn't bother me I mean, I regret what I did to my first wife the day I die, I will regret no matter what kind of marriage you make I'll never be able to in a sense, make believe that didn's happen there'll always be a scar I regret what I've done to my wife and son how could you not do that but I don't want to shut the door because I want to remember who I really am I'm not the guy who's before you right now this isn't me you wouldn't want to know me I'm the guy who said I wanted death this is who I am I'm without God in my life I am the guy who says I want a date on the moon that's who I'm I am the guy that only cares about himself and it's important for me to know that because I have to understand why God is, as they say, the faith in God is the concrete that holds me to the foundation of God. Because I want to understand that drinking is the smallest part of this whole deal. Drinking happened for every one of you a while ago. For some of you 20 years, some of your 10 years. What's really the deal is what's going on in your mind right now. What's going in your mind at 3 o'clock in the morning? What's going on in your mind every day. That's the real alcoholism that's running your life and causing your problems right now, and that goes on forever. And the only thing where you can get relief in that, the only things is God, because you're powerless over anger. Because you're powerless over remorse, you're powerful over guilt. your power is over restlessness your power is over so many things other than alcohol that can ruin your life and your relationships and so I have to focus on that and focus on God and walk towards Him down that road with the fellowship of the Spirit and what it may be that with other people who believe in God and want to believe like God with me like I believe I've got to walk with that because that's the only way I can get the strength and dispel the doubt. I can't walk with the people that are saying, I don't want to hear about the God thing. I mean, I could come here and I could talk about it, but I'm not going to buddy up with them and sit there and listen to that crap, okay? Because it will affect me because I'm an alcoholic. I can sit with mockers or doubters or people that piss on this thing or think it's no big deal because they're the ones that are going to drink and if they don't drink, they're the ones who are going to be miserable. I am very careful about who I hang out with. You know? Who I hangout with. Now, I'll go anywhere to the ends of the world, the most sordid places. But in the middle of the sordids places, I'm going to talk about God. I'm not... I'm just going to do what the Lord puts in my heart. I'm gonna talk about that just like I'm talking about it right here. You know, I'm supposed to be the eighth step. I'm doing what... I'm telling you, I'm done. I'm do what he puts in our heart. That's what I'm gunna do. If you want to walk out, You're going to say, I didn't get anything because I thought I was making the eighth step. Well, then it's your problem. It's not my problem. I don't have a problem. You know? I mean, kind of like some people are going to walk out here and say, man, I never heard any of that stuff or even thought about stuff like that. Some people are gonna go out of here and says, why? You didn't tell me anything about the eighth steps. You know, whatever. It's okay. I'm fine. Thank you very much.