Why He Stopped Thinking of Drinking as a Sin – Don S.

And that is what Don is to me. I was fortunate and blessed to have met Don several 24 hours ago at the meeting on the river. I don't remember seeing him before then, but I remember seeing him at that particular meeting. He's a fun guy. He believes in enjoying life and having a lot of fun. But I also heard him tell a story. I've also shared one-on-one with him. And I know that when it comes to recovery, he is a very serious individual. So without much more from me, it gives me great honor and great pleasure to present to some and introduce to others Don from Marietta, Ohio. Don? What have you got this watch up here for? I mean, that's really telling. He's heard me before. He's got the watch laying right here. It's big, too. Yeah, a person could read that real easy. Who were you introducing anyhow? Me? Don Silliman. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, everybody. Well, here we are. Man, oh, man. I'll tell you what, it just seems like yesterday that somebody asked me to come and do this, and that was back in April. And here we are. You know why we're here. Because we're not all there, that's why. No matter where I went, there I was. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm here. The guy was down there in Marietta. What he does, he never... He never stops for a stop sign. He just comes up to it, you know, and kind of scoots on through. Police stopped him one day. And he says to him, he says, you know, you didn't stop back there at that stop sign. He says, well, he says, I never stopped at a stop sign. I said, well, you got to stop at a stop sign. You know, he says, I've seen there wasn't anything coming. He says, I just wanted it. Well, we're going to let you go this time, but don't do it again. Well, the very next day, he goes, And, of course, the same policeman's sitting there, and he goes through the stop sign. So the policeman stops him. He says, didn't I tell you yesterday that you were supposed to stop for the stop sign? He says, yes, but he says, I told you yesterday I never stopped for a stop sign. He says, okay. He says, I'll tell you what. He says, I'm going to give you a fine. So he goes up there to the judge, and he's in the court, you know, and the judge says, so he says, you've got to stop for a stop sign. He says, judge, I never stopped. Stop for a stop sign. He says, now, he says, I don't even want to listen to that attitude. He says, you can put three days in jail, and he says, I'll give you a $25, $50 fine. $50. $50. He gets out of jail the very next day. He goes through a stop sign again. There's cops sitting there, and he looks at him and says, I don't know what. I don't know what I'm going to do with you. He looks at him. Get out of the car. He gets him out of the car, reaches down there, gets his billy club, and he starts out. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Right on his head. And he says, now, he says, do you want me to slow down, or do you want me to stop? Well, needless to say, that sounds like some of us, doesn't it? They told me, if you just slow down just a little bit, you know, they could. Yeah, I don't know. It just seems as though they got to a place where it became such a habit of the excuses, and I'll never do it again, and please believe me, and all the begging and pleading, and all this stuff, trying to slow down, trying to stop, and it never worked. Never worked. And the beatings, I'll tell you what. I think I'd have rather been hit with it. With a belly club for some of the beatings that I've had to take. There's arguments all the time of whether we're alcoholic, born alcoholic, or whether we grow to be alcoholic, and, you know, what's the difference? You know, we're here. Right? I mean, does anybody have a problem today with being an alcoholic? No. No. And I don't sit down to discuss this with my mother. My mother and dad, whether, you know, it was because on account of my dad's drinking, or my grandfather's drinking, or our great-uncle's on my mother's side drinking, I don't blame that on them. And I want to make it perfectly clear here that I use my mother and dad, and talk about some wives, and, yes, some wives. You'll get to hear a good story today. Okay. And my children, and there'll be different people all through my lead, you know, that would be very easy to blame. Very easy to blame. But, see, it wasn't them that drank. It was me. It was me. And so, since I drank too much, too long, too often, I have now become an alcoholic, and I'm now a member of a... I'm now a member of a... I'm now an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I had traits, probably, just like everybody else. I, you know, it's probably obvious that I'm short, you know. Some of you might not have noticed, but, you know, I am. And being short never was a problem to me, because, see, I always liked attention. I always liked the attention. I suppose that being short, you know, just kind of put the focus on me, and it was okay, you know. And I got to tell this, because I have an uncle that's one of those guys that runs around with a camera all the time, you know, and taking pictures, and I was told that just growing up all the time, just being there in front of the camera getting my picture taken, always wanting to be there in the front. And I suppose that maybe that had something to do with the way I felt as a child. You know, always wanting attention, always wanting it. And not only as a child, even today. I don't know whether being up here is a slip or not, you know. I don't know, you know. I like it. I like it. Back whenever, my dad wasn't always a minister. And by the way, I want to tell you that my mother and father are both here this afternoon. So if you get a chance to talk to them. If you hear anything, you know, that you're wondering, well, you know, why was that? Well, you can blame them too, right there, you know. Now, if you've got anything good to say, on the other hand, you can come on up and shake my hand or whatever. These two sitting right here in the third row back there, they're sitting there, and I'm sure that they would just love to say, it was Don and Edith. And he's the senior, I'm the junior, and we've got another one running around there that's the third. That's Don the third. Anyhow, okay, get back to my story. He wasn't always a minister. And he used to have a trucking company back in Pennsylvania. And there was times whenever he would let us kids go along with him on the trucks. And I liked that because, see, in the summertime, he'd let me go out there. And I'd get on, get more in the way than anything else. But what I liked the best about it wasn't the work part, but that we'd always stop someplace in the morning, you know, at a beer garden and get maybe a cheeseburger or something, a Coke, you know. And then after work, I really liked this. We'd go down there to the American Legion. We'd sit down there, and Dad would play the quarter slot machine and drink his beer, and I would sit at the nickel slot machine and drink my Coke. And I'll tell you what I liked about that, because I got a lot of attention. Now, I want you to imagine this little blonde, this gorgeous little blonde-head child sitting on this bar stool, in front of a slot machine now. And you just can't resist going up to him, you know, and maybe giving him a couple nickels, or buying him a Coke, or getting him some candy or something like that, see? It really painted a good picture for me, because, see, that's what I thought. And all I could remember was the fun times, you know, in the bar. I don't think that I ever seen fights break out there. There might have been some, but I don't remember. But I can remember, you know, I can remember the attention that I got, and I can remember the fun times that I had. And boy, when I'd hit, you know, maybe three cherries or three bars or something like that, boy, oh boy, they'd just clap and holler, and I'd get in the nickels, you know, and they would just tickle to death. And I liked that, too. Liked that, too. In 1950, I might as well tell you, I'm 57 years old this December. I know that's hard to believe. Here I am, you know. So whenever I talk about the 50s and the 40s, I could have talked about it. That was the 40s I was just talking about. Now we're getting into the 50s. In 1950, we came to Ohio from Pennsylvania. And it was 1951 that we were sitting there in the house, and Dad makes the announcement that he wants to become a minister. And he said, okay. And we took a vote. And said, okay, we'll do it. Yeah, we did. Yeah, anything, you know. We talking. Then I had a label of being a PK. Now, does everybody know what a PK is? That's a preacher's kid, you know. And, of course, the preacher's kids, they always have this, you know, the worst kids in the town, you know. Dad used to tell them, you know, yeah, you think, you know why my kids are bad? Because they've got to play with your kids. See? But that was easy for me to be a PK. There again. You see, here I am getting the attention. I'm a PK. Okay. About time you're getting here, Bob. But all through school, you know, it was just label after label that I could put on myself. I wasn't big enough or strong enough or even, you know, smart enough to even be on any kind of a sports team. The high school that I went to really wasn't that big anyhow. I think there was only probably about 40 kids in that whole high school. In the whole high school. So, you know, that's the way that was. I found out that there was a sport that I liked very well. Girl. Yeah, my first compulsive behavior came with women. I'm not allowed to talk. Did you tell me not to talk? I was about to. So, forget the lead. Ain't nobody going to talk here today. And, you know, just not just any one, you know. I like little ones, you know. Cheerleader type. Cheerleader type. That's the ones that I like. And that's the kind that I went after. And I dated those types. So, anyhow, I'm going through school and all this. And finally get through high school and dating the cheerleaders. And that worked out very well. Now, I graduated from high school, see. And you'll notice that I haven't talked anything about my drinking yet. Simply because kind of the fact is I hadn't drank yet, see. Yeah, we've got one coming in. What is it? Tomorrow or Sunday morning that came into the program when she was 11. And here I am, you know, clear through school. Haven't. But it wasn't long after that. See, I went to work with Carlisle Island Company up in Ashtabula, Ohio. And there I was assistant buyer. And, of course, why then we had these kind of buying programs and things that we went to. And at one, why, anyhow, this one woman that worked with me, she says, if you feel funny drinking what you're drinking, you could drink what I'm drinking. Well, why would that bother her, me drinking Coke and her drinking what she was drinking? Probably because she had a drinking problem, you know. But anyhow, she says to me, she says, you could do that. And I asked, what are you drinking? She says, not Mogan Dave, but wine cooler. And this was before Bartlett and James, see. This is in 1956, 55. And so I asked her what it was, half Mogan Dave and half 7-Up. And she said, well, I don't know. And I tasted it. I liked it, ordered one, and automatically I became this giant, you know, and played football for the rest. And it was on the Steelers' team. No. You see, that really didn't happen to me. And I didn't, it didn't really even, you know, do anything. I just know that I drank, and that was it. It was no big deal. And it wasn't a big deal the next time that I went to another party and had a couple of drinks there. Of course, by the time that I get into my third or fourth party, well, I kind of liked the bourbon supreme. And I started drinking that for a while. And pretty soon it got to be the fact that, you know, I went someplace where, you know, that's what it would be. I got transferred down into another, down into Warren, Ohio, and became a buyer there. And I found out that the buyers, they have people that come in there, the salesmen come in, they take you out to dinner. Yeah, they do. And what they do, if you want to have a drink, you can have a drink. And so I got to drink. And I kind of liked that. They're putting the bill, you know, maybe I have two. And so it was okay. They didn't care. They wasn't paying for it. Yeah, the company wasn't. Went back to work. And then, see, the thing is, is that I got transferred. Well, I quit there and went on down to another store and started working there. And I wasn't the buyer anymore. Well, I was a buyer, but I had a merchandise manager, so I didn't have no salesman. But I found out if I went out to dinner, I could order myself. Gee, that was nice. Yeah, great thought here. You know, I can go out to dinner and order my own. And I did. And then it got to be any place that we would go on a Friday or Saturday night. You know, it would have to be to a dance or something like that. It would be someplace where there was liquor involved. Now, if you'll notice, I'm talking about liquor. I'm talking about drinks. I'm talking about, you know, bourbon supremes. And I'm talking about the, you know, maybe some vodka or something like that. Because, see, I didn't like beer. 1956, 57, 57, I guess it was, I went to Pennsylvania to go to work. Now, a lot of people don't know where their line's at. But there's an invisible line they talk about, you know, where you become alcoholic. You know, mine's the Pennsylvania to Ohio line. Right? Right. As you come out of Ohio going into Pennsylvania, I automatically, just like that, became alcoholic. Just like that. You see, because, I'll tell you how I kind of know that is because, see, I started to drink all the time. Instead of just the parties and just the dinner or just on the weekends or whatever, see. And I've become a factory worker. And factory workers don't drink vodka. They drink beer. And so, I started drinking beer. And the funny thing is, is I acquired this taste for beer. And that's all I wanted to drink was beer. And I did a good job of it. If I might say so, you know. I'm working in Pennsylvania and there's this little girl over here in Ohio that goes to the church there where Dad was preaching at. And she chased me. She was chasing me for about a year or so, you know. And I didn't want anything to do with her, you see. And, well, she was kind of skinny, you know. And she had this string of hair. She didn't wear makeup or anything. Well, she was ugly is what she was. And I didn't want anything to do with her. Well, she wasn't the cheerleader type, see. That's what I'm trying to tell you. And that's the type that I wanted to date. And so, I didn't want anything to do with her. But one Sunday, one weekend, I come home there and I'm sitting in church. And this girl walks in. And I says to my brother, I says, who's that? He says, that's Elaine. I says, no, that's not Elaine. He says, yeah. He says, that's her. I look, my goodness gracious. She filled out in those places where the girls fill out at, you know. And then she had her hair all fixed up real nice. And she had makeup on. She looked good. Needless to say, I slowed down and let her catch me, you know. Get it. I let her catch me. It wasn't too long. I probably slowed down that day. That's probably what it was. And it wasn't long until we was engaged and then married. I want to tell you something. That Elaine is a very beautiful woman. I know that the way that I talk. If she would ever hear one of these tapes, I'm sure I would be a dead man. But, you know. But anyhow, it's all in fun. She's a beautiful woman. Really beautiful woman. And there's some people in the program that do know who she is. And so anyhow, we'll go on from there. Our marriage, well, our marriage. Our marriage was an alcoholic marriage. I mean, I drank and she didn't. And she didn't like it. And she tried to drink to keep up with me. And she couldn't do it. And just, I mean, it was the lies, the fights, the everything. And I'm talking fight, fight, knock down, drag out, fight, fight, tight. And that was the only marriage or any kind of a relationship that I've ever been in that I was physically forceful with a woman. And I'm not proud of that. That's part of the way that it was. We made up sometimes because at least three that I know of because there's three children. There happens to be two boys and a girl. I like making up, don't you? It's been a while. . . . But, it lasted probably for about six years. And in 1965, the company that I was working for closed the doors, and so I came down to Ohio. Mom and Dad happened to be down in around the Marietta area preaching down there. And so we came down in that area. And I started working for what was known then as Remington-Rand. March of 1965. Next March will be their 30th. I can see. We come down here and it wasn't... We had lost everything. I might want to just throw that part in too. We had lost everything, you know, drinking alcoholically and all this, and we had bought new furniture and lost all it. They came down with a truck to go away. We had a new car and they took it away too. That's the way it was, and you all know what that's about, some of you. We came to Ohio and we borrowed a lot of furniture. We didn't borrow it. We had a lot of furniture given to us and that, and we slept on the floor for a while, and by July 4th of 1965, now that's March, that'd be April, May, and June, July, four months, not even four months, and she was gone. She left. She left me. She left me with three children. That was something to live on for a while. You know, here's an alcoholic, you know, that's going to be trying to raise three children, see, and the youngest one is only nine months old, and the oldest one isn't even quite, well, just quite three. And I, you know, I held a resentment for her. I held a resentment for her a long time. As a matter of fact, there's quite a few people in our family that held a resentment over that. I found out it would get me a lot of attention. Yeah. Oh, yeah. My aunts and uncles, they thought that that was really something, you know. That was just such a bad, sorrowful thing that happened to Donnie, and I bought it. Sure. Feel sorry for me. Go ahead. Hey, that's good for an alcoholic. Let me throw this in. I held that as a resentment for a long time. A year after I got sober, we was in a treatment center for our youngest son. And we was sitting there with a counselor in this room, Elaine and me and the boy and his brother and sister. They were allowed to ask any question they wanted to ask. And the very first question this boy asked was, Mom, why did you leave us? And I had just found out why, and I says, can I answer that? And I know that this is what went through her head because she's told me since, and she thought, you know, go ahead, smart aleck. You think you know? Go right ahead. And I explained to him, I says, you know, I says, which was no secret, you know, I drank a lot and your mother couldn't handle that or wouldn't handle that. And she couldn't take it anymore and so she left. And the reason why she left you kids with me was because she knew that if she took you kids with her, that she couldn't support you. She couldn't work and take care of you and she knew that I wouldn't pay, you know. But she knew that if she left you kids with me, that you would be taken care of. Even if I had to take you too. Mom. My mother and dad. And she was right. That's where we went, to mom and dad. And we've talked about this over the years and how did you know that? And I told her that it was through family that I had found that out. And that I was sorry and she was sorry. And we're good friends today, really good friends. We dated back in 87 for about a year, year and a half. And it just wasn't one of those things that was gonna work out to be able to be married again. So, yeah. It's okay. We're good friends. But she wasn't gone. Here it is, July the 4th and July the 5th, somewhere around there. And here it is, within just a couple days. I've already got two jobs. Well, not really two jobs, but I'm filling in while the company's down on vacation. And I'm working as a bartender in a short order course. And this woman walks in there and she says that she ordered a pop or something. And I don't think so. I think that she come in there and ordered a drink, is what she did. And I sit there and I was talking to her. She was telling me all her problems. And I was listening and saying, boy, oh boy, I sure could fix that. Huh? Yeah? Yeah. And I listened to her some more and I said, hey, I get off work after a while. You wanna come back? And so she came back. And I didn't give her a call. I didn't get rid of her for six years. Yeah? But you see, there were some good times in there too because, see, we had two children. But here's the funny part. You see, because somewhere in this thing, that was in July, and by September, I'm already gone to church here and there was a revival going on. And I hit the older. I got saved. So I quit drinking. For a while. Tells us in the big book we can do that. Some things take the place of alcohol. Sometimes. Yeah. So here I am, you know, and I'm not drinking maybe once in a while. Now how I got away with this, I have no idea. Because, you know, it's a wonder it didn't kick off that allergy and really get going there again. But it didn't. And every once in a while, maybe once or twice a month, while we would stop down at a beer garden, I'd drink a couple of beers and she'd drink hers. But she liked to drink. She liked to party. And I got into gospel music. Now this... Oh, yeah. You wait till we get to the good part here. And see, she didn't like that. And I didn't like this. And so anyhow, before it was all over with, we was done, you know. And of course, why here, there's two kids over here I'm paying child support on. And I've got these three other kids that I'm taking care of too. See, my three older ones. I'm down at the gas station just shortly after that. And I'm going to the gas station. And I'm going to the gas station. And I'm going to the gas station. And I'm going to the gas station. And I'm going to the gas station. And I'm going to the gas station. I'm down at the gas station just shortly after that, you know. And I see this girl that goes to the church where I used to... Well, she goes to church every once in a while where I used to. And so anyhow, I see her there. And she starts to tell me about some of the problems that she's got and everything. I listened very, very patiently. And I said, Okay. I said, Let's just go down here to Jim's place and we'll talk about it. We talked about it over a couple of fish bowls. And during this time, and I was in the church and I was dating her and that before the marriage, the alcoholism kicked back in again and I started to drink. I started to drink daily. And I'm still singing gospel music. Matter of fact, I was telling somebody we did the Ohio State Fair two years in a row for WCVO. We were good. I'll tell you what's really good. Just to get up on Sunday morning after you've been out Saturday night. Not only do you have the hangover, but you're also having the guilt trip too going along with it. Because see, drinking was a sin. Oh, you didn't hear that one. Yeah. See, that's the way I was brought up. Drinking was a sin. So here I am now. I'm thinking about all this stuff, you know, going through my head and everything. And finally, I don't know what to do. One weekend, I'm out there singing and come home and find an empty house. And she's gone. So I found out where the kids was at, you know, and everything. And well, we did get married, in case I didn't throw that in there. But anyhow, well, you knew that was coming. You know, you just, well, at least I did. I know some people live together. But anyhow, I had to get married to all of them. Stupid. But anyhow, anyhow, I come home and she's gone, you know. And so I finally found out where the kids was at and know that they was okay and everything. And I'm thinking, oh, gee. And as I do a lot of times, I went in and I entered a bedroom and hit the floor. Got on my knees and prayed. And it went something like, yes, God, I says, please, if you'll just bring her back, I'll quit running around, I'll quit drinking, I'll quit smoking, I'll quit, boy, all kind of things. I mean, there wasn't anything left for me to give up by the time I got done with that prayer, see. And I'm saying, if you just bring her back, I'll get her back. Now, you be careful what you pray for. Because God's got this sense of humor that just, you know, sometimes I wonder. But see, the divorce papers weren't even dry yet. And we're getting married again, see. Well, this time it's going to be different because, see, you got to have a plan. You got to have a plan. A good alcoholic will go out there and he'll try everything possible he can. Before he'll admit defeat. And so here I am, okay, this time it's going to be different. I'm going to go, we build a new home. Real nice home. Brand new. Bought all brand new furniture, you know, that Naugahyde furniture for the living room and new bunk bed sets for the kids, you know, and the nice yellow and cutlery block table for the dining room. Solid cedar bedroom suit. Did you ever sleep in a suit? Did you ever sleep in a cedar chest? Sick me. The smell gets to you after a while, I'll tell you. And a car that's only about a year old, see. But something missing here, see, because no marriage is complete unless you got a baby. See. Oh, they're counting over here. I heard him say six. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Number six comes along. Well, what can I say? That was in December. Well, he was born in June of 1977. And in October 1977, she told me she didn't love me and she wanted out. I said, okay. Hang in there after the first of the year. She did, April 1st, 1978. She went one way and I went the other way. She took all the furniture and I got what was left, the kids. Yeah. See, because by this time, these little kids, they're now teenagers. They're in junior high school. And we move into a little town, and we move into a basement apartment. Now, remember something here. I haven't drank for two years. Remember? I made a promise to God. And here I am. I'm sitting in a basement apartment. You can smell the mildew all over the place. Used furniture. And three teenage kids, paying child support on three other ones. What do you think goes through an alcoholic's mind when he's sitting there feeling sorry for himself, hurting to beat all to beats, you know? There's nothing worse than a broken relationship, the pain. You remember. So do I. Yeah. You remember I told you that that was April the first? By the third week, the third weekend in April, I was drunk on the streets of Cleveland, Ohio. And I want to tell you that this is, it is not a pretty sight. For the next three years, I'm going to skim right over the top of it because I want to tell you about some recovery. But in three years, in three years, I went from living in a new house with all my family to living in my car. And no family. You see, because they all got fed up and left. I, I, you know, things are just so foggy in that three year period. I couldn't even tell you. I can just tell you this, that I know that it only just took a, just a small amount of time for me to get back into the drink. And I know that for the next three years that if I would have got picked up, and which I did, and I'll tell you about that in a minute, if I would get picked up and put on the breathalyzer, it would have showed that I was over the limit every time I got picked up. That's the way it was. Uh, I, I couldn't even go to see my mother and dad. And, and I love them dearly. They, they're such a blessing to me today. And it would be that I would have to go to Akron, Ohio and stay in Akron all night. So that I could get up the next morning and maybe make it over to their place to go to church and not be drinking. And then leave after church or dinner and stop at the first beer garden on the way out. That's the first time they've heard that. But that's the way it was. And, and it was so hard. It was so hard to be able to, I, and I, any place I drove, I had a little yellow cooler. I still got that little yellow cooler, you know. And, and I had, it holds 12 cans, see. And I, and I never went any place without it. You see. And, and, and the guys, the kids used to think that, that Don Sullivan was so cool because he could drive that car with one hand, see, and hold that can of beer in the other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they told me that. I got picked up for DWI four times. Four times. Now that's not so bad. But three times we're in the exact same spot. Well, it's not funny. I thought I had that, you know that way, you know. It's a caution light right in Reno, Ohio is where it's at. And they, there's a gas station that sits there. And now they've got this American, now they've got this American flag like a memorial. But it reminds me, you know. It reminds me. And the one time that I got picked up before that, it was right down, just a mile before that. So. Got charged with it three times. I got picked up four times. Got charged three times. And, you know, it's just the same as everybody else. My average consumption was anywhere from a case, case and a half a day, you know. On a good weekend, you know, maybe two cases a day, whatever. Big deal. And this is all beer. You see. I didn't like mixed drinks, see. Because whenever I went to Pennsylvania, I became alcoholic and I started drinking beer. But see, I had people tell me, well, you can't be an alcoholic because you just drink beer. Right. Yeah, you're right. So anyhow, here we are. Facing the end of the world. Facing this, whatever it is, in court, you know. It's not even a trial. It's just a free trial thing. And he's telling, the judge is telling me what's going to happen. And I'm listening to him and I'm sick and I don't want to hear this. And he finally says something about rehab. And somehow or another that word stuck there, you know. And after it was over, I said to my lawyer, I said, I need help. He says, well, he says, I thought you'd never, I'd never hear you say that. To call somebody. I called somebody. They got it worked out so that I could come in here. I got it worked out so that I could come into Talbot Hall for treatment. And they said it was going to be a week from Thursday. This was on a Monday or Tuesday. And I didn't know whether I could wait that long or not. But anyhow, I still drank up until that day. July the 22nd, 1981, I remember getting in my car. Now, Reno, Ohio is just four miles north of Marietta on Route 7. Why I went to New Martinsville to start to go to Columbus, Ohio, I have no idea. New Martinsville is about 10, 15 miles below Wheeling, West Virginia. But I did. I went up there and started drinking and came down the West Virginia side and drank until, by the time that I got to Williamstown, just across the river from Marietta, it's 4 o'clock. Two for one at the Holiday Inn. Right across the river. And see my buddies, they're all in there. See the ones that I drink with. So I'm going in there. And they're buying drinks. And they know this is the last drink, so I'm going to have. Remember? I'm quitting drinking. I'm going to treatment. And then this one guy tells me, he says, Oh, he says, you can't be alcoholic. You just drink beer. I says, yeah, you're right. But I am, you know. And then I go back across the river and go on down into Parkersburg, drink down there and all this stuff. Come through. Anybody know where Belle Pree's at? Okay, you know, that's a dry town. It's a good thing they've got that four lane on the outside. You can whiz right through there and not miss a thing. See? And that's what I did. Went on that four lane, went right on by, and went on down into Athens, Ohio. Down there, there was a bunch of college kids running around there that don't want to drink with the drunk. And so I had to get out of there real quick. Went on down to Logan, drank something down there for a while. Lancaster kind of liked me. Yeah, I went into Lancaster, went down there to Moose, and we closed that place up around 3.30 in the morning. Yeah. Went and stayed all night at the Holiday Inn down there, and then from there I went and got up the next morning. And that's July the 23rd. And I went on over to Talbot, and they've got that tower down there, you know? Did I ever tell you I don't like heights? Sometimes I don't even like being this tall, you know? But see, I thought they were going to stick me clear at the top of that thing, and boy, I started getting scared. And there's a round, you know, and no place you can hide, you know, and no corners up there. So I go on in this place, and I'm thinking, boy, I hate this. And so anyhow, they're all at lunch. They can't even take me in yet. So I thought, well, this is a good way, you know, maybe I can get out of here for a little while. So I said, well, maybe I could go eat lunch after a lot of arguing. I finally got to go. And I got out of there, and I took off and went down by the airport someplace. I'll tell you what, I haven't really done some real good searching, but I've been by three times. I've been in the airport for a little while now. I haven't been here for a couple of weeks. I'm still on my way. But I've been by through that area. I still haven't come across this again. But there's a white cement block bar sitting on a corn. It's got those big glass block windows in them, one on each side of the door there. They've got this doorway that goes up. You walk through the door, and there's tables sitting here along the side. there's about four or five stools. You know those round red ones, the ones that screw down into the floor. You know what I'm talking about? And then it's got that Formica top bar that goes the whole way down there, clear down to the end by the doorway, back in the back room there. And then back behind the bar, it's got this stainless steel grill. Okay? And then this stainless steel hood that comes out over it. And this woman's walking towards me and she finally gets to me and she says, can I help you? I said, I'll have a Budweiser. And she brings the Budweiser and I said, I'll have a cheeseburger with tomato. Tomato's important. I won't eat a cheeseburger without tomato. She brings the cheeseburger and I said, I'll have another Budweiser. And I drank that Budweiser, got up off that stool, walked out that door, and I haven't, I haven't necessarily had to drink or get married since. And it's funny because I can still see that today. I can still see it just as plain as if it's right there and I don't, I've never been back in. That's the only time I've ever been there. But I can still see it. And I'm glad. I really am glad because, in my mind, I can still remember sitting there taking that last drink. And tell me, if you can't remember your last drink, you probably haven't had it yet. Yeah. I went in, back over to the tablet. Remember me telling you about, you know, the drink is a sin? That's what I was taught. It's a sin. You're going to hell. And not only that, God's only going to give you so many chances and he's going to turn his back on you. You ever heard that? Yeah. So here I am, you know, and I'm thinking already, you know, well, I didn't drink for two years and I did all this, you know, and everything. Why didn't it work for me? Where was God at in my life? You see, I went to church on Sunday. I went to high school. I was a music director of the church, you know, and all this stuff. I was all these things. Yeah. And yet it didn't work. And probably because of the kind of fact is that that's all it was. I just didn't drink. Okay? You're catching on already, aren't you? Because still the alcoholic thinking was still there. The bills still weren't paid the way that they were supposed to pay. They weren't supposed to be paid. And I still wasn't the most pleasant person to be around all the time. Right now, that wasn't all my fault. And I'll tell you the reason why I know that because step 10 tells me that I'm not always wrong. But we'll get to that in a little bit, too. So she can do her own. I'll do mine. So anyhow, I was a bad guy. Okay. I go over there and I sit in that parking lot, you know, and I'm thinking, you know, well, God's already turned his back on me. I'm going to hell, you know. I will just go ahead and drink and all this stuff before. So here I am sitting there scared to death to go into this treatment center, you know. Don't know what to do. The only thing that I know to do is, you know, is maybe, maybe, just maybe, I haven't used up all my chances here with God. And why that thought came, I have no idea. But anyhow, what happened was this, is that I said to God, I said, God, I said, if I have any more chances left, I'm going to cash it in right now. Just go with me into that treatment center. Help me never to drink again. That's a pretty big order because they teach us here a day at a time. But I asked them forever. And I left there and I went on in that treatment center and boy, I'll tell you what, they had me about half humiliated in there. Those pajamas that they give you, they were for guys that were probably about nine feet tall. They've got them rolled up, you know, and all this stuff. And then, you know, what's even worse is they've got, they've got this, these 12 steps all over the place. They're plastered on the walls here. It doesn't make any difference where you go. They even had them in the bathroom. And you go to a meeting and there you are, you're hearing that, you know, and it was awful. It was absolutely awful. And then of all things that they had to do to me, they gave me a counselor. And the counselor's name was Jack Frost. Now, I'm supposed to believe this, see. Remember, I'm the drunk. I'm the alcoholic. And they're trying to feed this to me, you know. And I'm ready to get out of there. I love Jack. I know most of you know him. He's a beautiful guy. I just love Jack. I was kind of hoping to see him maybe this weekend. But see, Jack helped me out a little bit there. You know, he worked with me and he told me it might be a good idea for me to do a fourth step. Fourth step. I didn't know what that was. Take an inventory. And so anyhow, they finally got me to do that. I think really the only reason why I did it was because I was afraid they was going to keep me if I didn't. You know. And so you do it. Of course, you know, whenever you're desperate enough, you'll just, you'll just do just about anything. And I think really, I really wanted to quit drinking. But I'd probably be like most other people. You know, I probably wouldn't have done it if somebody wouldn't have made me do it. Okay, so I did that and got out of there. It was probably about mid-August by now. And it was on a Friday. And it was a late, late, late Friday night. Maybe early Saturday morning by the time that I got to my mother and dad's place. And they're living in the same place. Now is what they did then. And I went in there and I started to tell them what all the things that had happened and where I was and what was going on. I talked a little bit that night and then Saturday got up and talked more all day. Sunday morning we got up, we went to church and came back and ate dinner and talked some more. And Monday, I got up Monday, I knew I was going to have to go back down to Mariette. But before I left, I asked, I said, would you just pray? And so dad and mom and me held hands in the living room of that place. And dad prayed a prayer something like this. God, please help Don and go with him. Help him not to do the things that he used to do and help him to do the things that he should do. Open the doors for him and go through with him. Take away the things that need to be taken away. And in so many words, that's what it was. That's not the exact words, that's what it was about. And I come home, back to Mariette, back to work. And I started having to make amends to some people here. Well, the judge, he had quite a list. And then I had some people I had to go see too. And I'm on this pink cloud, you know, because I'm feeling pretty good. And all of a sudden, I'm out there making these amends and that. And I was a paper hanger. Paper hangers, a guy who writes bad checks. Yeah. I wrote a few. I wrote a few for them. Funny part of how it is, I didn't have a bank account. You think that's funny? They cashed them. Yeah. Not stupid. But anyhow, he had this list. And so I'm out there, I'm trying to make my amends. And I said, now listen, I said, I said, I realized that I owe you this money. And I says, I've had a problem and I've gone to treatment now. And I'm back and I'm trying to do the best that I can. Could you take just so much amount of money? And most people said, yeah. Yeah, I'm going along real well. Until I get to this one guy and he says, uh-uh, pay up. Boy, that hurt. So I'm coming down off that cloud. Do you people realize that I have just done all my steps? Listen to that. I'm making amends. That's step nine. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yesterday, I had to apply my own special connections. I didn't know. I didn't know it. I don't believe in anything. Had to apply my own personal connections with my grandparents. But, and it was that simple. The one. and I wanted to get sober and I would have done anything and God and I'm going to say it one more time and God led me to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. He led me right there. And I'm sitting there in that car there in that parking lot believing that there is no God that they turned his back on me. But somehow the sanity returned. I wasn't in that parking lot because I was eating green beans too much people. I didn't eat too many peanuts and it surely wasn't cherry cordial ice cream that got me there either. But it was the fact that I was alcoholic and my life was unmanageable. Step one. Step two was when the sanity returned. That I finally turned to my God and took step three. Right there in the car. Step four. Remember? Jack Frost made me do it. Okay. Step five. It took me three days with mom and dad up there. Oh yeah. Yeah, they're allowed to listen to that. Look in the big book. They're under step five. It says it's okay to tell your family. Family members. I didn't know that. Step six and seven. We held hands right there in the living room and dad asked God to take away my character defects and shortcomings. Ain't that something? Step eight. You know, I kind of had a kind of a list, a mental list and of course the judge did the other part. And step nine was making the amends. Step nine says something like this too. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible. Wherever. Not whenever. Wherever. Wherever God put you, not whenever you feel like it. I found that out. See, because that's the reason why I had this hard time with this one. See? Yeah. And there's still some amends that I need to make today and I'll make them in God's time. In God's time. Step ten tells me that I've got to continue to take a personal inventory and when I'm wrong, promptly admit it. Remember that? I was talking about that. I'm not always wrong. That's right. I'm not always wrong. Sometimes I have some pretty good ideas. But being a people pleaser back then, I got into a lot of trouble and changed my mind a lot. See what I mean? You know, I'm dyslexic. All alcoholics are. It tells us that in the big book that the things that we should do, we don't do. The things that we don't do, we should be doing. See? And so we got everything backwards. If I'd have just done 90% of the things opposite of what I did them, I'd have been 100% correct. Right? And so that's what I'm talking about. Step 10 tells me when I'm wrong. But it is, you know, I mean, there's a lot of times whenever I do note right then that I have done something wrong. And it's best not to carry that stuff around. I find it is kind of nice waking up in the morning and not having to worry about yesterday. You know, it's just kind of a nice little deal. And if I do the things today that I'm supposed to do today, I won't have to worry about them tomorrow either. Hmm? Good. And I'd be good. Step 11 tells me this. Try to improve my conscious contact. God is I understanding, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. Now, first of all, it tells me to improve my conscious contact. That means that each day I should try to be a little bit closer to my God the way I understand it. And I'm going to ask Him what His will for me for that day, see? And to give me the power to carry that out. The third step prayer even tells us to go one step further is not to take the credit for it, but to give God all the glory for the things that we do. You see, it's not me standing here. No. Uh-uh. I would have rather have been down there to Damon's where we ate lunch today, you know, sitting in a bar. But that's not what God has in store for me. That's not what God has in store for me today. And so I'm here. And sometimes I wake up and I don't know what's going on. I'm just kind of feeling, you know, do you ever feel that way? Just like, what's going on here? You know, I don't know why I feel this way, but I just, you've never been to a meeting that they talk like that? I've heard them whiny people. I have whined myself. Still whine. Get their attention. Whine a little. Man's walking in a forest or in a woods. And he hears a voice. And it sounds like a child's voice. And he keeps searching around, trying to find it. And finally he comes across it. Little boy sitting on a rock. He's reciting the alphabet. He says, little boy, he says, little boy, what are you doing? He says, I'm praying. He says, oh, little boy, he says, all you're doing is saying your ABCs. He says, I know it. He says, I don't know how to pray. So I give God all the letters. He knows what I need. Hmm. Ha ha. And we quit being childish. And we become, child-like. Quit your whining. Give God the letters. Hmm. Yeah. He knows what we need. We don't need to know. Just get out there, put your clothes on, go to work. He'll send you somebody. I'll tell you. Don't go. He sent me something I don't want. Yeah, boy. Man, man. They throw up in your car. Yeah, they do. They burn holes in your seats. Yeah, yeah. Hmm. I never did that. Ha ha ha. It's getting late. Step 12. Tells me having had a spiritual awakening. Why? Why? As the result of the steps. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's what it's telling us there. It says, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. What steps? Four through nine. Okay. We tried to carry this message to alcoholics. Tried to practice these principles in all our affairs. Xiao Feng . Just looking at my block, my prayers are the same. I bought this piece, and really was just one of the things there was two books with me during the festival and other people. And it said, we all had different expressions. It's like, God in this world was a great shampoo actually. Right? Good. One day we literallyoine all of a sudden brake-off the wrist and he'd look at me by that angle and he rang the door. He'd ask what I wanted. He knew I had to have a license. Yalicema high, high. contacts almost as after the first part of the call. After what happened at the checkout, to know about it. Rest faintly, But actually I was all trying to get a message. It says to carry. That means that we've got to keep a hold of it. We don't put it down. Oh, well, I'm tired. Well, that's just tough. It's just tough. There's another one, too. That alcoholic out there is tired, too, or he wouldn't be asking for help, let me tell you. Yeah. It says to carry it. And I'll tell you something else. You can do all the preaching you want to to me, and I won't quit. Don't ask me to quit eating cherry cordial ice cream. I like it. See. But if you can prove to me it's going to take that stomach off of me, you see, if you can walk around with a nice slim figure and prove to me that I need to quit eating that cherry cordial ice cream, maybe I'll quit. But don't tell me to quit. Don't tell me to quit. Don't tell me not to eat it. Getting the message? See, because as many times as they told me you shouldn't drink, I would drink, because I didn't want to hear it. And the only way that I couldn't hear it was to drink. Anesthetize myself, and you don't bother me. So, in other words, if I can carry the message, the spiritual awakening that God gives us, then I am more apt to be able to help. Someone else. It's not the promotion, but if you carry it, you know. It's the attraction part. Get them every time. Get them every time. Out in Colorado, there's a stadium out there. And in that stadium, they ran the Olympics one year. And now, every year, they run Special Olympics out. It was about ten years ago that they were running this race. A few children out there. Fourth boy from the front trips and falls. He's lying there, and the ones next to him and the ones behind him stop, and they get down beside him. The three boys that are up front, they turn around and see what's going on, and they come back. And they're all gathered around this little boy, and one little girl got her handkerchief out and was wiping off the scrape on his knee, and he was crying, and the tears are coming down, and finally, they started to stop. The tears would dry up, and he says, Are you okay? And he says, Yes. And he started to stand up, and they started to clap, you know, Yay, yay, yay. He said, You okay? He says, Yes. He says, I'm okay. He said, You want a race? He says, Yeah. He says, Let's go. Let's race. And they all joined hands, and they finished the race together. Just a couple weeks ago, the other Don S. and Marietta passed away. He had 48 years of sobriety. This Don S. has 13 years of sobriety. There's some in here that maybe just have just a week. Maybe some here today is just thinking about it. But that 48 years that Don had was no better than the 13 years that I have, or no better than the ones that are just coming in. You see, Theiliyor is an queremos la sugarman judge, and that people was doing a great job listening to this man. He was really sai? He was asking me to think about this, and then, But the Don said, Who wouldn't want to die as a porque? But I did. He did, and that D. This PJ Simles said that if we don't, we won't die. He wrote this, And the ability to find peace was of an awakening self. He did say, Make peace, Don S. They were that big women. But what it does tell us that we need to do is to stop from wherever we're at and to help the one that still suffers. And that is in and out of the realms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And to practice these principles in all our affairs? If I practice the principles, I don't have affairs. It's relationships. Yes. The principles, there's eight of them. But they're all based on the four absolutes. Honesty, purity, unselfishness, and love. Remember that. I want to thank the committee so much. So much. Forgive me this honor. I just wished every one of you could stand up here and see what I see out there. I love y'all. I want to give this to you. Yesterday's the past. Tomorrow's the future. Today's a gift. That's why they call it the present. Thank you. I love y'all. Thank you.