Why He Needed to Be Someone Other Than Himself – John A.

My name is John Allred, and I am an alcoholic. Hi. Everybody having a good time? Yeah, me too. Me too. You don't get bored at these things, do you? Some people get bored in there. I don't understand that. Well, I do. I was bored. You know, three months you get bored. Nine months you gets bored. I'll never forget this guy. He was bored when he was talking to the sponsor, and he was telling the sponsor he was bored on me. All he does is get up and go to meetings, you know, and go to work, go to meetings, go to work. I said, oh, it's bored. Bored. And the sponsor says, well, you know why? You're bored. And he says, why? He says, because you're boring. And like all sponsors, he thought, that's pretty good. I'm going to remember that. Use that on somebody I sponsor. So about three years later, he's at home and his little Al-Anon wife's pacing the floor back and forth. He said, honey, he said, what's wrong with you? She said, I don't know. I guess I'm bored. Boy, it clicked in, you know. He said well, honey. He said do you know why you're bored? She said yeah, because you're boring. You can't get on those Al-Anons very much, you really can't. I loved hearing Kathy this morning. Wasn't she great this morning? Yeah, she was great. And Jerome last night did a tremendous job in opening up the conference. I'm looking forward to the rest of the speakers. I want to thank the committee for inviting me to come share. And I promise not to spread the disease. I was thinking when Kathy was talking, I've got to share this because it's true. I shouldn't share it but uh I was at a meeting several years ago my home group Dallas North and and I don't know what the topic was you know but they were talking about something and this little lady shared that I just dearly love and she was talking about you know how grateful she was for Betty Ford and because Betty Ford had come out of the closet and and uh admitted she was alcoholic and how the first lady could be alcoholic maybe they could be alcoholic and and how many alcoholics needed to help should set up that treatment center out there and what a great boost that was for alcoholism and the recovery program and i'm sitting here listening this i just started laughing you know because it dawned on me if it's true what they say you know that the al-anon is as sick as the alcoholic if not sicker no wonder our country so screwed up I mean, we had an Al-Anon run in there. Untreated Al-A-Non. Now that's a scary thought. You know, is that really? And it was a typical alcoholic Al-Al-An relationship, right? Betty does all the drinking. Jerry did all the falling down. You know? i shared that with a group in irving i was talking to that week and after the meeting the guy came up and says already said listen man you better go out the back door i said what he said well the alanons are hot he said they're out front waiting for you and i about did that and i thought wait a minute wait a moment they're alanons right i'll just go promise them never to do that again. Hell, I'll be okay, you know? Where's the non-smoking section? That's where they sit. There, yeah, here they are. Okay. Well, I'm glad you're here. I, uh, you know, I grew up... I'm an adult child of non-alcoholics, okay? That's a bitch. I mean, you got nobody to blame. I did all the drinking by myself. Nobody drank in my house. You know, my mom didn't drink. My dad didn't drink. Brother, I didn't drink. Nobody drank, you know? And things were fine. I went hunting, fishing with my dad. It was wonderful. Had a great childhood. Went to school. Now, I don't know about you, but there really aren't any areas of gray in my life that's pretty black or white, all right? I'm either going to be the very best at whatever it is I do, or I just refuse to do it, you know? I mean, they're going to do real good in school or I drop out. One of the two. I don't go get C's. No, no. I either start on the football team or I don'T play football. One or the two, I DON'T sit on the bench. Just don't do that. And fortunately school was, was pretty easy and so was athletics and I was involved in that and everybody I ran with were involved in athletics and so nobody drank or smoked or any of that stuff. I went to college just like I was supposed to. I got married my senior year just like I was supposed to. And went into the insurance business in Salt Lake City, Utah and things were going real good. I was petrified. Just scared to death. I don't know what I was scared of. I just scared to dead. I'd come in in the morning. My secretary would give me a bunch of messages, telephone messages. I said, what are these? She said, those are telephone messages? say who from she'd say i don't know i think well what do you think they want i guess they want to buy some insurance i thought from me you know phones bugged me man i i mean i like to have a phone i like to make phone calls but i don' t want anybody calling me no that phone ring drive me nuts ring ring ring ringer drive you who is it the hell i knew what was is them that's what it was in fact i i'll jump ahead a little bit after i started doing a little drinking i was living up in seattle and i was so afraid that somebody would call me and i wouldn't be home to answer the phone that before i left to go out and do some drinking at night i would i had called for him so i'd forward all my calls and i'd afford him to time and weather they'd call the next day they'd see me and say man i tried to call you last night hell i was home all night kept calling get time and weather damn phone system just screwed up so anyway i i ran into a buddy of mine named stewart stewart liked to do a little drinking he liked drinking the bars so i'd go down to the bar with him and he'd drink whatever he drank i'd drink coke and god i love the bars you know i love the glitter and the glamour and the women you go down there and be somebody else and i like to do that i like go down to the bar and be something else we'll be sitting there at the bar talking to these girls and they'd say you know what do you do well how i can do a lot of things uh my favorite was i like too uh produce broadway plays well if you're gonna lie in a bar you don't get caught right away and i thought hell if i tell them i produce you know tv movies they'll want to know what you produce and then you're stuck because everybody watches tv and if you tell me you produce motion pictures then youre stuck because they'll i'm always going to want to produce like et you know and star wars and they'll know i'm not steve spielberg so uh i thought how nobody's been to broadway so i'll produce broadway place so i'm 24 years old living in salt lake producing broadway plays now i have not started drinking yet see it never was good enough to be john allred insurance agent no i had to be john allread somebody else and it didn't really matter what it was as long as it was something other than what i was you know Never was satisfied with what I was. Sober. And finally, when my second child was born, Stuart called me up and congratulated me. He said, listen, we need to take you out and get you drunk tonight. And I thought, well, I'll celebrate tonight. Tonight I will drink. And had my first drunk. God, that was a great drunk. It really was a good drink. It really is a great drink. You got to be a member of a private club in Utah to drink. So we went to this place called The Winery right across from the Salt Palace. Beautiful private club. Walked in there. They had a live band going and they had, oh man, lights flashing and there were women in there and drinking and I just drank whatever they put in front of me. I don't know what I drank. They'd just bring a drink over, it'd be light with a cherry in it. I'd drink it down. Next drink they bring over is dark with a twist in it, I'd just drink it then. I had a great drunk, it really was a great drink. Danced with two lesbians that night. Well, they're out there dancing together, you know, and I thought, well, they probably want me to join them. went out there and danced with them and then they left together there i was alone and uh you know what no rejection i just drunk sat down drank the next drink sitting in front of me got up the next morning no hangover i really felt okay i couldn't believe it i called stewart up and i said my god i had a ball he said yeah he said you, uh, you got after it. And I said to Stuart, I said, let me ask you a question. Do you think you may go out and have a drink tonight? He said, well, I hadn't thought about it, but I'll probably stop and have one or two. I said what time do you think you're gonna go do that? He's, well I gotta work till three o'clock this afternoon. I says why don't I meet you at 3 30? So I met him at 3 30 in another place called the Speakeasy and we went in and, and I remember telling him, I He said, Stuart, man, I don't like the way alcohol tastes. But I like to get drunk. What can I drink that I don' t have to taste the alcohol but I can get drunk? And he said, got the drink for you. Perfect drink. So the waitress came by and he ordered whatever he drank and he offered me a CMF. Beautiful drink, CMF, came in a big gum. It had Kahlua, Galliano, vodka, brandy, and cream blended. Tastes like a chocolate malt. It really did. CMF, said for Creamy Mother something or other. So I drank that drink and it was wonderful drinking. About a week after that, second week, I was in the Joker Club. Joker Club wasn't a private club. It was a beer bar. I want to be honest about the Joker Clubs. It wasn't a high-class beer bar It was a topless joint It wasn'T a high class topless Joint Joker Club had one dancer You had to be drunk to appreciate her I mean, it was just sad But I was in there about 11.30 in the morning Just checking out the lunch crowd And I ran into two buddies Price and Bolt i grew up with them knowing them since i was in my diapers and and uh i said what are you guys doing they're drinking beer and i didn't drink a lot of beer you had to drink a Lot of it and then i burped a lot when i drank it so i didn'T like to drink A Lot of beer so what are You doing they said we're having a beer have a beer with us i said no i said let's go get us a real drink and they said well we don't have any memberships to these private clubs i said hell i do been drinking a week you know we sign up and uh so we got in the car and went down there and they He said, we don't know what to drink. What are we going to drink when we get down there? I said, I'll take care of it. So we went in and ordered them CMFs. They liked them too. You know, they really did. We started meeting down here every day about 3 o'clock, drinking those waitresses. They called us the malt shop crew when we walked in, you know. Finally, old Stewart, next week, Stewart came to me and says, man, already. He said I've got to take you out and teach you how to drink right. I said what am I doing wrong? He said well, you're doing nothing wrong. It's just that image, man. You're destroying us. I said, what do you mean? He said, well, we get these women over at the table. You know, we're playing this little macho image. And then you order that tutti fruit shit. I mean, they bring it. It's got an umbrella in it. I said... I said what do I drink? So we go out that night to the Black Bowl. And he says, now pay attention. The waitress comes by and he says we'll have a couple of Jack Black up with a water bath. That sounds like my kind of drink. A macho guy like me ought to drink that. So the waitress brings our drink over. Now keep in mind, I'm used to drinking these big gumlets, right? She brings that drink. I never so disappointed in my life. Little teeny shot glass with some dark stuff in it and a glass of water. My turnstile says, my God, we got a mixer on here. They want to mix our drink. He said, no. He said this is Cadillac stuff. This is American sour mash sipping whiskey. It's Cadillack stuff. I said, oh. He said we're supposed to sip that? He said no. We guzzle the whiskey. We sip the water. Made sense to me. So he said now pay attention John when you do this don't breathe. so he held up his glass looked at it and he smelled it and then he downed it sat down took a sip of his water i picked mine up i looked i don't want it's dark looked at i went to smell it boy just clear your nostrils right up right just incredible and i remember not to breathe i downed i remember today i remember going on my throat man my throat got all warm i went down my chest my chest got all warm hit my stomach my stomach got all warm went down my legs legs got all i turned to stewart and i said damn why don't we get us another he said no no he said we got to sip our water well see that's my problem that's My problem i never learned to sip water if i learned a simple why i wouldn't need to come to these damn meetings you know never learn i always want that second one more than the first want the third one more in a second i like to drink to get drunk i never had that period of sociable drinking where i got a glass of champagne and walked around being sociable I just like to drink to get drunk and like to do that as fast as I can And I'm immediately i'm getting in trouble I'm getting into trouble and people are starting to talk to me about things that none of their business They're telling me They're tell me i'm an alcoholic. They say you got a drinking problem. You may be an alcoholic But how do you know? So I say, how do YOU how do You know if you're an alcoholic? can you take a blood test and run it through a machine and it comes up yep there's alcoholism you got out no we we can't do that what can you do a brain scan you run me through a big machine scan my body and see if i come out to say yeah see this this is why this is your alcoholic no we can do that well how do you know if you're an alcoholic what is an alcoholic and they'd say, well, uh, does it cause problems in your life? No. Alcohol doesn't cause me any problems. I had some problems. Alcohol wasn't one of them. Okay. It really wasn't one of him. In fact, when I drink alcohol, I'm okay. It's when I don't drink alcohol that it's a bitch when i don't drink alcohol see i'm restless irritable and discontent but when i'm drinking alcohol i'm happy joyous and free and so you're telling me it's no problem no no and i got problems got a problem with the wife i don't know it's a philosophical problem should have talked about before we got married she thought when you get married hell you ought to be married seven days a week you know i don'T LIKE TO BE MARRIED THAT WAY i kind of like the deal where you're married five days a week separate on friday party all weekend get back together monday just different philosophy i had a problem with the boss boss is philosophical again you know he thought that when you work for him you ought to work during the day you know i mean all day long i'm a night person not a morning person function better at night had a had a problema with the police but i don't know what i had done to offend them but they were mad and because they'd see me and they'd arrest me i mean i can be doing nothing wrong but if they saw me they'd arrested me happened to me happened persecuted me i i mean i'm walking down the street not hurting anybody and they arrested me cops saw me arrested okay it was 3 30 in the morning but you got it's a free country you're gonna walk down the street at 3.30 in the morning. There's no reason to arrest a guy. They arrested me, but there was a rainstorm, bad rainstorm. And I didn't have a coat walking down the street and this rainstorm at 3 30 in the mornin. That's no reasn to arrest the guy. It's a freak. I asked the cop why I stopped. Okay, I had a gash on my head. I had blood running down my head that wasn't my fault okay i'd been in a cab earlier i told the cab to stop i wanted to get out guy didn't stop quick enough i got out hit my head on the thing cop said he stopped see what was wrong found out who i was took me to jail man they got this they got these things out they're called warrants. Man, they don't go away. They just get on that computer and they don't Go away. So I had a lot of problems. Alcohol wasn't one of them. And finally, I found out what my real problem was. I was talking to my brother. My brother said, man, the folks think you're crazy. They've decided that they're going to commit you. They got the judge lined up to sign the commitment papers. My wife got real irrational. She thought if we can't be married seven days a week. We're not going to be married any days. And so I, she had left and so they said, you're crazy. They're going to commit you if you don't straight up and fly right. And as long as I'm thinking about it, I thought, this is true. It's a scientific known fact that people who live at high altitudes for prolonged periods of time have thinner blood than people that live at low altitudes, okay? This is true. Well, hell, I've been living in Utah all my life. It's a high altitude. I got to have thin blood. You party hard on thin blood, you'll have some problems. What I need to do is get to sea level. Thicken up my blood a little bit. I'll be okay. So I called a buddy of mine who lived in Seattle at sea level and I was telling him about these problems I was having and he said, my God, you need to get out of there. well where would i go he's the way you want to come up here i said i don't want to impose on you and your wife and five kids he said no imposition i said I'll be there tuesday so i left i went to seattle and i'm living in seattle i'm not doing much i'm unemployed and i've not worked i'm just uh doing a little drinking working on thickening up my blood you know and uh and when you're in that kind of situation the next logical thing you're going to want to do is gamble and uh so poker's legal there and so i started playing poker in the poker parlors and i and if you're a hot shot a real high flower like i am the next thing you want to do is be where the real action is so i'm sort of running down to nevada and playing in the casinos and finally i thought hell who am i kidding you know i just might as well move to neVaTa become the next great poker player of all time and fulfill my destiny so i moved down here to nevaTa i'm living in Reno, Nevada and I'm not doing much. Just playing a little poker, doing a little drinking and working on thickening up my blood. And got a call from Price. Price was still living in Salt Lake. Boat had moved to Denver. Price said, listen, he said, boat's coming over this weekend. Why don't you come over? We'll go out. Shouldn't have gone. Should have stayed right there in Reno. But I went over there to Salt Lake, met them. We went out to a place called the One More Time Club and walked in and got it. I met her. She was sitting at the bar it's like i knew she would be fell in love and asked her she couldn't go out saturday or sunday so i stayed till monday take this gal out monday supposed to leave sunday should have left sunday you know high altitude drink and get you in trouble you know so but i stayed take this gal out on sunday or monday we went out to dinner and you know he got a bad deal it's a bad deal you know it's a bad deal when you take them out to dinner and and they really want to eat you know so she's eating and i'm drinking right and i'M A GENTLEMAN SO EVERY TIME I ORDER ME A WHISKEY I ORDER HER A GLASS OF WINE WELL SHE AIN'T KEEPING UP THEY'RE STARTING TO STACK UP ON HER YOU KNOW AND SO NOW I GOT A PROBLEM I GOT TO DRINK MY WHISKEE AND DRINK HER WINE YOU KNOW WE GET THROUGH AND AND SHE SAYS YOU READY I SAID YES SO WE GOT IN THE CAR I'M TAKING HER HOME stopped bought a gallon of wine tell the way she drank she's probably unprepared and uh we get back to her place and i always had a little hidden agenda when i took the girl out i never told him what i really wanted to do i thought well they'll catch on you know we walked in and and she said uh you're gonna be mad at me i said why she's well i'm really pretty drunk i thought well hell you're supposed to be you know мы've been trying to do that all night and she said i I'm tired and got to go to work in the morning. I'm going to ask you to leave. Gee, I grabbed my wine. I wasn't going to leave that. Stormed out of there. Went down to Price's. I was staying at Price's, knocked on doors, 1030. He opened the door and said, I thought you had a date. It's that damn woman. Went in there and drank that wine all night and cussed that gal. And I told him, tomorrow night we're going to go out one more time. I'm gonna get out of this town. I'm never coming back here. Salt Lake is no good for me. Shouldn't be drinking here. It's too high out, dude. And uh, so we went out and started the joker club and then we decided to go over see the fast show at the hilton So we went over there Show started at six We got over there about three You know And uh I remember the show. I remember The Fashion Show and then I blacked out blacked that a lot When I came out of my blackout, they'd found me Copped one of my driver's license Well, I didn't have a driver's licence Hadn't had one for a couple years well that ever keep you from driving you just learn to drive in the right hand lane every time you see a cop you can turn right I got no solution for those DWI laws and I think there really ought to be one but I mean what are you going to do to a drunk are you gonna fine me 10,000 and take away my driver's license fine I'll write you a check but anyway thank god nothing really bad ever happened in that for me and i'm just telling this cop listen i'm just going over there i'm just gonna go right over there i'll leave my car parked here i'll just walk over there and then he found out who it was arrested me and i went to jail and this time they're mad at me it's those damn warts keep popping up and uh they won't let me out i can't even post bond they're mad they see i never did show up after i get out i just go away and uh so they don't want to let me yeah because they know i ain't coming back if i get up and i don't like lockup i mean lockup's a bummer i don' t know anybody that likes it i don''t like it i'll do i want out and a buddy of mine named stan not in the program didn't know anything about aa didn't think about alcoholism he came down to see me and He said, listen, I've talked to some people. I think I can get you out, but you're sick. You need help. You need treatment. And I said, oh, God, Stan, you are so right. Boy, I tell you, I guess I'm an alcoholic, Stan because it's just overwhelming this compulsion that comes over me and I can't control it and I don't want to drink and I want to stop and I need help but, boy, I can'T get any help in here. He said well, I'll get you ouT. so i got out of jail i had no intention of quitting drinking i didn't want to quit i wasn't gonna quit i was just getting out of jail and i had to stay with stan that night next day i got up and he threw me the yellow pages and says okay you got to go to treatment you can go anywhere you want to go but you got to go so i said all right so i'm looking through the yellow page just find the treatment center call up this treatment center and i said i need to uh come in for a little treatment. And the gal said, do you have any insurance? No, no, I don't have any insurance. I hadn't worked for three years. You know, I said, don't, don'T have any insurance. She says, well, it's $12,000. I said to her, I just want a little treatment. I don'T want to stay all year, you know. And she says, that is a little treatment i couldn't believe how much they wanted for a little treatment i called this one place it was eighteen thousand dollars that was in on april on august 7th 1981 it was eighteen thousand dollars i told this guy i said honey if i had eighteen thousand hours i wouldn't need your goddamn treatment i finally call up this place and i said i need to uh come in for a little treatment gal said okay i said well you need to know something i don't have any insurance she said okay as well how much is it and she was a salesperson on the other line so she was selling me she says well you get room board and therapy both individual and group for nine dollars a day and then when you when you check in here you apply for food stamps and we credit those food stamps that nine bucks a day. And then if you work around here, we pay you about 50 a day so it boils out to net about five bucks a deck. Couldn't believe it. Now these other places had waiting lists. There's about a 30-day, 45-day waiting. I thought this place got to have a year waiting list. They got bargain sale price going on here. I said this is my kind of place. I said, how long is your waiting list? She said, we got a bed for you tonight. I said, I don't need to come tonight. She said I think you ought to come. I said no. I said listen make my reservation for Saturday. She said you need to come today. I said no listen now I'm worried OK. I mean they got nine dollar day room down there and they can't fill the beds. What's wrong with this picture? so i figured i'm in charge i'm the consumer i said listen you make my reservation for saturday just forget the whole damn deal so i made she made my reservation one negative to the place it was right next to the county jail didn't like being that close to those folks but i drove down there parked in the parking lot saturday i want to see what kind of person goes to a nine dollar day jitter joint i'm watching them walk in and out of there all day long going and everybody in there alcoholic I could tell looking at them they were alcoholics going in there joint you know but it fit my budget so I went in and uh nothing happened I just filled out a bunch of forms and they gave me a room it was a nice facility brand new facility and next day was Sunday had my first exposure to Alcoholics Anonymous they had a meeting there were 34 of us residents two guys from outside came in chaired the meeting then they started down these tables and I'm paying attention you know i got to figure out how do you do a.a right so i'm paying real sharp close attention and they started down the road here and the first guy said the table introduced himself and said my name's joe b i'm an alcoholic i'll pass second guy said my named jim s i'm alcoholic i'l pass i caught on real quick well you do aa you give your first name last initial admit to the group you're alcoholic and then pass it's got to be something magical about i saw in steps you know admitted we were alcoholics there's a magical about that if you admit that to this group that if your are alcoholic they're just going to take that burn of alcoholism off your shoulders and so it got to me i did it right said my name is john a and i'm an alcoholic and i'll pass. Nothing happened. I thought, well, AA's got nothing for me. You know? AA must work for the simple-minded people. Monday, I got to meet my counselor, Dale. Beautiful lady and I remember sitting there with Dale and she was talking to me and I said, listen, Dale, let me save you a lot of time, okay? You need to know a few things about me if you're going to help me. She said, well I hope we'll learn a lot about you. I said Well, let me stay. See, they wanted me to stay two months. No, no way. I said, no. I said if you're going to help me, let's save a lot of this time. So I'm a very open, honest person. Always have been my life. Got a very quick mind. You know, I've been like a steel trap. Just remembers everything. Photographic memory is scary as hell. You know? Just remember everything. Good student. Read real fast. And I'm busy. She said, busy? And I said, yeah, I'm busy. She said where are you working? Well, I am not, but I am busy. We are alcoholics are busy people. We are the most busy unemployed people you ever met. True watchers come to work or come to AA at night, right? Guy is unemployed. The only thing he has got to do all day long is get to a meeting on time and he is late. And you say, where have you been? Hell, I've been busy. We're just busy people. And I said, I'm busy. I'll tell you what, I'll give you two weeks. Then I got to go. I'm not staying two months. I'll leave you two months, so you give me the stuff you're going to be studying and reading during that two-month period. I'll read ahead. You can give me some pop quizzes if you choose because I got a goal in two weeks I'm staying here two months." She listened to all that BS and finally said, we'd better hurry with you. That's right. So next day was Tuesday. Tuesday, Tuesday we did group, group therapy. God, I love group. Don't you love group therapy? You know, sit around in a group, you know, and talk about their parents. And I learned the lingo real quick. Oh, come on, man. Get honest. oh man you're in denial love that shit never seen much good come from it but it's fun to do isn't it confrontational therapy right well you know you can't go anywhere for an hour you might as well do it no wednesday they're showing us this alcoholic education seminar showing us a movie okay i'm not impressed with movies about alcoholism drug addiction i mean i'd seen days of wine and roses and uh they're showing us this movie and the name of the movie was i'll quit tomorrow and i'm watching that movie and it tore me apart it literally tore me apart i related everything that went on in that movie the guy was telling was living my story on the screen and it stripped everything that separated me from myself. And I could see me like I'd never seen me before because I related to what the guy was doing, how the guy was feeling, how he was acting, everything that went on I related too. I found out, see I quit looking for that definition of what is an alcoholic. Later found out in AA we don't have a definition. I couldn't define an alcoholic for you tonight. I don't know how to define that. What we have in Alcoholics Anonymous is a description of an alcoholic. See, you can't argue with the description. You can argue with a definition, and that's why Webster's got 10 definitions for every word. But you can argue it with a description. And that description has a power that i think god gave it that has the power to strip everything that separates the alcoholic from himself it's the most powerful tool we have in alcoholics anonymous is our description i mean think about it two-thirds of the big book is made up of descriptions of alcoholics two-third of our book i mean they didn't put those in there just to make a big book you know they put them in there for a reason and i related that and i left there and i was i cried and i was mad i was mad at god i was mad at my parents i was mad at alcoholics anonymous i was mad at everybody i mean i had just come to realization that i was a drunk and couldn't drink and it was scary and i stayed in that place six weeks couldn't stay two months too busy you know but i did stay six weeks and i got out of there and when I was leaving they said you need aftercare but you're living in Reno Nevada you're too far to come back here for aftercare so you got to go to AA. Now I knew I was an alcoholic and I knew i didn't want to drink and I also knew that AA had nothing to offer me okay because you go there you give your first name last initial admit to the group you're like and then pass you know big deal I knew that so I knew he had nothing on for me but they said You need after care so you're too far away so you better go to a so when I got back to Reno, the first thing I did is call AA because I wanted to stay sober thinking they had no solutions for me. But I called AA guy answered the phone and I said, my name is John A and I am an alcoholic. Yeah. So I'm Bob. I'm alcoholic. I said. Well, hi, Bob. I said listen, I just got out of treatment over here in Salt Lake City and I'm living here in Reno, Nevada and I wanted a call and report in. I don't know. I guess I thought They have me on a computer, you know. And if you don't check in, they come pick you up. That's what the police did. So he said, well, I'm glad you called. He said, you want to go to a meeting? It was Thursday. I said, yeah, I can go toobedient.com. I said I'd like to go out and meet him, Thursday meet y'all. And he said we've got a meeting, a men's stag meetings, 830 Hotel Riverside Casino, third floor of Sierra Room, starts at 830. I said okay, so I'll be there a little early, you now, in case you want to meet me. He said, well, I probably won't be there, but there'll be some people there. I said, fine. So I show up quarter after eight. First resentment, Alcoholics Anonymous. I called them, told them I'm coming. Made my reservation. No reception committee. Very unorganized group of people. They didn't even look like they knew I was coming. Just some guys sitting around waiting for a meeting. So, I got coffee, sat down. i'm sitting there i'm watching how they do a in reno some old guy named red chaired the meeting red looked like an alcoholic he really did he chaired a meeting and i'm watchin him and they started down the road here and i listen halfway through that meeting it became real apparent to me these guys have not been treatment okay they weren't doing it right some of them did not give their last initial okay some of them gave their last name hell the guy blew the deal i know his name he's not anonymous anymore thing that bugged me most i said happy that meaning nobody talked about the disease of alcoholism nobody they there i don't know what they were talking about but it wasn't the diseaseof alcoholism no sat through there nobody had mentioned we got an xy chromosome zone deficiency i thought how can they stay sober not knowing about this so it got to me i thought well i'll help them so i introduced myself i did right i said my name is john a and i am an alcoholic and i just got out of treatment over here in salt lake city and i have the latest most up-to-date medical and psychological information about the disease of alcoholism I started to share the second resentment in Alcoholics Anonymous. Red interrupted me and said, Thank you, John. Go on to the next guy. Oh, that son of a bitch is jealous. Yeah. I mean, I know stuff he don't know. After the meeting, some guys came up and shook my hand. They said, God, we hope you come back. I said, hell, I'll be back. They need me. now you need to know chuck chuck chamberlain used to always say you know every man's my teacher some people teach me what to do some people teaching me what not to do okay most everything i share is what not because i did this i've done this deal all wrong i don't know where i was when they said 90 meetings in 90 days that's not the way i did it okay what i did is i did one meeting a week. Every Thursday, I'm down at my men's stag meeting trying to help. Let me tell you what happens when you do one meeting a week, okay? They told me in treatment early on, they said, John, if you just don't drink, you'll feel better. Just don't drinking, you will feel better, and that's true. If you don't think you'll be better. They didn't tell me what that meant, okay? If you drink, it will feel all the pain, all the anger, all of the resentment, you're going to feel that shit a whole lot better. You know? And, I mean, that's why I drank. I don't like to feel better. I start to feel bad. I start feeling that stuff and I want to get drunk. And I'm walking around Reno going to one meeting a week feeling better, going nuts. You know, I means sobriety was like watching paint dry. It was just, oh my God, what do I do all day? You know. And I was down at my men's stag meeting Thursday and it was Christmas Eve that year. And they said, now tomorrow's Christmas Day. Everybody's invited to the Dryers Club, Skid Row Clubhouse. Everybody's been invited to Dryers club for turkey and ham free lunch. You can go there if you got nowhere else to go on Christmas Day, I had nowhere else to go. So I went over to the dryers club Christmas day and ate and I got a cup of coffee. I'm sitting there smoking a cigarette, drink a cup of coffee here came this guy over talk to me not my kind of guy okay old guy fat old guy real big nose and funny hair had funny hair not my kind of guy but he was come over to talk to me and his name was don i'm listening they're talking to don and after about 10 or 15 minutes it became real clear you know don had not been a treatment so i started to share what i they wouldn't let me share what I learned at the other place so I'm telling Don all about this medical and psychological information I'd gained through treatment and he looked at me and said John he said do you want to do you wanna go to a meeting tonight I said well hell Don it's Friday uh I go Thursdays over at the men's staff he said hell we got a meeting every night and I'd heard you know there was a spiritual program and it It's Christmas Day. I thought, well, hell, I can go twice in a week. It won't hurt me. So I said, yeah, I'll go. So here this guy I do not like comes, gets me, takes me to a meeting. We go out to the state hospital, 7 o'clock meeting out there on Friday. And they give you a raffle if they gamble, even in AA. They give you an raffle ticket. And then in the meeting, they raffle off a big book or as Bill sees it. So I got my raffle tickets, walked in. There were women in the meet. First meeting I've been to with women in a group. immediately adopt that as my home group you know wonderful so i got my coffee sat down and i don't know what they're talking about because i'm i got this raffle ticket right and i'm thinking my god you know although i have this great mind and i read real fast i i forgot to get a big book okay so this is it's christmas day i'm going to win the book that's going to be god's gift to me on christmas day this is going to be neat so i'm praying all hour for my book by the time that meeting's over the book's mine god can give that book to nobody but me it's mine nobody's been praying all our like i've been praying an hour for that book it's mind they had the raffle third resentment now guys anonymous some little old gray-haired lady 25 years sober wins my big book what she need with my books 25 years so much came see to read anything she got five my home collecting dust wins my book i'm walking out go with don before i can get out of that little lady comes up and gives me that big book. That's where I got my big book, and I used to say that I took the book home that night and read it from cover to cover, okay? So if you ever get hold of an old tape where I said that, you need to know that when I said it, said that, I believed it. I later, I got in a big book, and they got some chapters in that book you wouldn't believe. They got a chapter in that book, they got a chapter in their book to the wives. Well, you know, I wasn't a wife, didn't have a wife. Didn't want a wife. Didn't need to read that chapter. They got a chapter in that book to the employer. Hell, I wasn't an employee. Didn't need to read that chapter. They got a chapter in there called We Agnostics. I knew God real well. I knew him a lot better than y'all did. Didn't need to read that chapter. Well, if you just read chapter 3 and chapter 5, you can read that in a night. It won't take you that long to read that. You know, it really won't. So Don was coordinator of intergroup, so every night this guy that I do not like is coming by my house picking me up and taking me to a meeting. And a day, I'm down there, he's down working central office, so I'm done at central office drinking coffee with him, meeting other alcoholics. He's picking meup that night, taking meto a meeting You know, I am so grateful for, so grateful that Don understood how to work with newcomers. sometimes you know in aa we'll hear somebody say uh somebody will be coming around for a while maybe a couple months and then we won't see him somebody will say where's charlie well he knows where we are he wants it let him come get it all right glad don didn't believe that nonsense i'm glad don understood that the first 12 step call the very first 12-step call the reason we're here this afternoon is because the sober alcoholic called the drunk it wasn't the other way around bill wilson was sober when he called dr bob it wasn'Theotherwayaround and i'm glad don understood that and kept coming by to pick up a arrogant kid that didn't know he was supposed to go you know and take him to a meeting every night and go down to central office and drink coffee with him during the day and interesting thing happened i found out i'm not only starting to feel better but i'm starting to feel pretty good and there's a difference and i hadn't felt both those things for a long time and the only thing different is i was going to meeting every night and i'm feeling better and good at the same time i'm going to meet every night and i was down at dinner group visiting with don thursday it was it was new year's eve a week later thursday new year's eve i'm an inner group visiting with don the phone rings i pick up the phone young kid named glenn 17 years old glenn wanted to know how he could stay sober new year's ev and i i said why i mean i mean that kid's 17 it's new year'S eve anything except for one more night don grabbed that phone away from me you know so when he passed the rule of central office you had to have six months more sobriety to answer the phone so don talked to him i don't know what he said i went for coffee uh gave him his phone number did not give him my phone number next day don calls me up and says hey glenn stayed sober last night wants to go to a meeting today i said great a little 12-step work so don comes by gets me we go by we get glenn we're taking him out to the state hospital okay and i don't know about you but i always found it very important to prepare these people to go to aa so i'm telling glenn all about aa and i'm feeling now boy you are so you know what you get to go this is your first meeting and they're going to be women there i said i didn't get to Go to meeting with women for two months i said but you're going To get women your first Meeting i said it's gonna be wonderful and then they're gonna give you a raffle ticket when you walk in okay and they gonna raffle off a big book or something like that and you're gonna want to get it and if god loves you you'll win that book don didn't say a word he just drove us there you know so we get there we get a raffle tickets we get our seats and coffee and and i don't know what they're talking about because i'm praying for glenn getting out of self i thought this is that i said i thought you know if glenn could just win the book that'll be proof god's work he'll stay sober forever you know i'll have a hundred percent 12-step call success rate be just like shit 100 success rate and uh so anyway i'm praying for for glenn and meeting's over and they went to raffle off the big book i won the big book. Don turned to me and said, see how it works? I wrote in and gave it to Glenn. That's where glenn got his big book glenn's sober today because i gave him that big book now that that little experience early in sobriety taught me a lot because it taught me how god works okay god works through people by working through people he magnifies efforts there are always two winners when god works the one doing the sharing and the one doing the receiving it's also the way a works one drunk sharing with another okay whenever that happens there are always two winners see i could have won the first night i could have been one winner me but that little old lady won by being able to share with me and i won by be able to receive from her two winners week later i won again by being able to share with glenn and glenn won by being able to receive from me two winners when god works and he always works through people and that's why a set up that way you know and it's just an incredible experience i didn't even realize i'd learned that for a couple years after that point in time and i'm working with don and i'M going to meetings every day in alcoholics anonymous and uh we're working the steps and there were just a couple we got to the third step and i took the third Step with Don on my knees and they were just when i took that step there were a couple things that i knew God didn't care about okay they were minor and i never told Don about that never asked him about it i just figured it out on my own you know just three little areas I knew that God didn't care about money. God doesn't care about money, my mind told me that and I listened to my mind, my brain told me that, he said God doesn' t care about the money, God loves the rich and He loves the poor, right? He doesn't care about it, so if this guy doesn't care about that, I better so I'll manage my money the next thing was God doesn''t care about employment my mind tell me that and it's very simple, God love the bank president, He loves a ditch-jigger, right, He doesn'''t care where you work so i better manage my employment and the last thing was god didn't care about who i date doesn't care About relationships And I just threw that in there because I thought well God's probably not interested in the same kind of date. I'm interested in you know But everything else when I took that third step, I surrendered to god just those three little areas I kept okay now the really sad thing about that is that whenever i've had to call my sponsor after midnight or before six and anytime anybody i sponsors called me after midnight before six just an immense pain gone over the edge the source of that pains come from one of three areas money employment or women you know and those are the three areas i'm in charge of so i manage my money and i'm gonna manage my i'm not working yet but i'm going to manage my employment and uh i've been sober about two and a half three months and i fell in love beautiful gal just killer picked her up in a bar i really did met her in a bar but i had business in that bar you know the book says check your motives make sure you have business in the bar well i had businesses in that bar and i succeeded okay beautiful guy she was not an alcoholic to my knowledge she was a hypochondriac they're a lot like alcoholics they go to the hospital all the time two o'clock in the morning take her to the hostel just incredible there was about a three week period we took her to hospital every day finally the nurse comes out she's got a big thick file this gal is sick and I said well thank god you found something we've been down here every night for three weeks She says, well, there's nothing wrong. She went through her file. This gal had had 17 operations. But I want you to know that didn't scare me. No, sir. I hang in there, baby. I took her in for her 18th. Finally, they finally found a gallstone and they took out the gallbladder. Nothing left inside. The woman's hollow inside. She echoes when she walks. I mean, it's just incredible. You know what my mind told me? My mind said when they told me she was a hypochondriac, I said, oh, well, hell, this is great. I said I'm an alcoholic. She's only a hy... I'm really sick. She only thinks she is. You know? This will be wonderful because I'll be real active in AA and sober and then, hell she can be real active in hypochodriacs anonymous and then we'll just travel the country together she can go to her hypochondriac meetings and i go to my a meetings and it'll just be what we'll просто grow together that's what we do we get two sick people and we grow together right that's why they're based by sick relationship sicker in rain man painful painful wanted to leave that relationship couldn't leave So you can't leave a sick relationship. That's why they're sick, you know? My sponsor kept talking to me. I kept talking with my sponsor about this pain and my God. And he finally tried to explain to me, he said, listen man, two ding-a-lings don't make a bell. And he suddenly got tired of talking about it. He said, I don't want to talk to you about it anymore. He said I'll talk to your baby, but I'm not talking to you about that? He said, you shouldn't be in that deal. It's a sick deal. It's crazy deal. And he says, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I couldn't leave it. Boy, it was a sick deal. Painful. Should have drank. Would have been a lot less painful. Finally, I'm coming up on 11 months sober. I'm not working. I're just gambling. And I'm in love. We're living together. We moved in on the third date. But I understand that now. I had a guy explain it to me. It is that 7 to 1 deal like one human life is equivalent to seven years to a dog one human year is equivalent of seven dog years you know it's the way it is with dates with alcoholics one date's equivalent to 7 normie dates and and of course if you're dating an alcoholic you got that compounding effect right so one date is equivalent 14 so on the third day how you been going together a year so we moved in on the third date and which was also the third day and we were living together and i'm coming up on 11 months sober and uh she kicked me out she wasn't as sick as i said she was what she i what had happened is i lost all my money i was managing my money lost it all didn't have a job she kicked me out when that happened and uh stepped in my car that night went to see my sponsor the next day and i was telling him but it's sad sad man i said i lost all my money vows kicked me down got no place to sleep my car last night got no money and he sat there and he said well thank god i said no wait a minute don what do you mean i said this isn't this is a major problem okay this isn't just a cash flow deal okay where i gotta wait till friday and payday and then it'll be okay i said there's no cash flow they got no job okay i got no money got no place to live i got an old girlfriend she's gone i said this is a major deal he said yeah he says thank god and i said what what do you mean and he said all right so you've been walking around a like a hot shot for 11 months you know and he said uh got a great meeting schedule but now you get to find out where your source is and he says that source isn't in any woman it isn't any job it's not in any money you get find your source that's going to take care of you the rest of your life and i call that source god you need to find that now this will be fun I said, great. What do I do? He said, well, the first thing you do is you're going to start practicing the seventh tradition in your own life. I said what? He said you're gonna be self-supporting through your own contributions. Declining outside out. You gotta be kidding me. He said no. I don't want to hear you borrow any money. If I hear about you borrowing ten bucks from another AA get yourself a new sponsor. He says, because they're not your higher power that's going to take care of you. He says you don't borrow any money. You're going to have to find a source that will take care of you the rest of your life and it's not going to be by borrowing ten bucks from another AA. It's not by borrowing money from your mom. He says in fact I don't want you calling your mom You call your mom, you're goingto cry She'll cry, she'll send you some money that may kill you. So he says you don' t borrow anymoney And I said well then what do I do? He says well he said although you're a bum he said it's not god's will that you look like a bum you're going to start to look and act like one of god's kids which is what you are so i used to stepped in my car and i'd get up in the morning i walked down to the shell station i had to shave every day i have to shave at the shellstation i'll wash up give myself a little sponge bash at the show station i'll watch my i had two outfits i rotated every other day so i'll wash out the outfit I wore yesterday in the sink and lay it in the back of my car and put my other outfit on. I always had to wear a little tie because I'm supposed to go out and look for work. And I said, where am I going to look for Work? And he said, do you remember the last job you had? I said yeah. He said, what did you do? I said well I sold insurance and equities and financial instruments. And he says well then you go to the banks and the insurance companies and the brokerage houses and apply for Work. so i'd get up go down the shell and shave and wash up then i'd put on my tie and i'd go look for work and that was 1982 and it was the economy was terribly depressed in reno nevada they just shut down the mapes and money tree casinos put 750 people out of work and it Was very depressed economy and i go there and apply there to the banks and the insurance companies and they give you these big we got to be bonded so they give you These big forms to fill out and they ask you a lot of questions really none of their business uh you know they got things on there like address they find no humor in a license plate you know they just don't so i can't find any work and i didn't have any money and i couldn't borrow any money. And the other thing he told me, he said, listen, he said, you don't go bitch about your problems in AA. We're not a dumping ground for you. He said, we're a solutions ground. He said so. You got problems, you talk to three people. You talk to me, you talked to my sponsor, which is Bob H., you talk to Pete T. Those are only three people you talked about your problems. You go out and you start talking to 10 different people about your problem, you're going to get 10 different solutions and you know what those 10 different solutions would all be right for somebody but not for you you know you get confused so you talk to those three people and that's it and you talk about the solution naa i don't want to hear you talking about how you haven't eaten today okay and so i'm going to meet every night and i'm not talking about what's going on i get down to 135 pounds because i'm not eating i used to walk around the casinos i used to walk up and down rows and rows of slot machine trays looking in the bottom of those slot machine trace because people would sometimes scoop up their money and leave and they'd leave a quarter or a dime or nickel in the bottom of the slot machine track and i'd find change in there you make about two bucks doing that it'd take 18 hours you know but you can make about two bugs doing that used to on friday there's a gal in the program that owned a bar on south virginia she never could get sober but every friday she'd let me come down to her bar on South Virginia I'd sweep it out and straighten up the liquor closet she'd feed me lunch and pay me five bucks and I'd have to get up and look for work every day I go to meetings every every night and I just couldn't find a job and I wanted as I said I got down to 135 pounds I'm 170 now uh I was scared I was petrified because nothing was looking out I was 30 years old, 31 years old and I'm living in my car and I got no job. I got not money. I got place to go and I am sober over a year and I think what's wrong? I go to AA and I hear people talk about how God is working in their lives and I don't know why He isn't working in mine. I am sober. I am doing just what you all tell me to do and nothing is going on. Why? and uh i was at my men's stag meeting and and i threw it out on the table i said listen i said i'm not supposed to talk about problems but after the meeting i want to talk to somebody that's lived under the bridge because i don't know how to live under there and that's where i am and after me some guys come this is no problem you uh you go sell your blood i didn't know how to do that they told me you go tell your blood and then you go down to social security office apply for food stamps they'll give you some emergency food stamps that day hell you can have 20 about tomorrow night i was so excited i couldn't sleep you know i went down i parked right around the corner from the blood plasma center right and so i'm gonna go in there sell my blood in the morning i went in there some of my blood they they wouldn't take my blood you had to have two forms of id and one of them had to Have a picture on it i didn't i had a driver's license by then but it was a special driver's licence said right on a special driver's license they only gave it to special people you know allowed you to drive during special hours and uh didn't have a picture on it so they wouldn't take my blood but i wasn't discouraged i went over the social security office get my food stamps they wouldn'T give me food stamps you got to have a social security card okay i knew my number but i lost my wallet years before that never got a new card uh and so they wanted me to have a card. I'll tell you, you got, you're going to go out and live under the bridge. You got to be prepared. You just, you just can't go move out under the bridge. You gotta have some stuff. So I said to the guy, I said, well, how do I get a card? She said, fill out this form. We'll mail it to you. I said how long is that gonna take? She said six weeks. Shit, I'll be dead in six weeks, you know. Nothing was going on And I used to fluctuate back and forth between wanting to commit suicide and being afraid of dying you know Nothing insane about that, is there? And my no it is november by then And it gets cold in nevada in november. It snows in novembre and uh My nose is running and i'm scared because i'm thinking, you know I'm gonna get the flu because I got no body resistance. It'll boom become pneumonia and i'll die in my car They just find me dead and i was scared to death and i didn't know what to do and all i was doing is what they told me to do every damn day and it wasn't nothing was changing and i Was praying And I was doing all that stuff. I was making coffee I was going on 12-step calls and nothing was changed And I Was out of the state hospital on friday night And it was november as a gratitude meeting every meeting is gratitude meeting And uh They call him this guy Man, I didn't like this guy Didn't like him at all. He's a little, I swear to God, he's about five feet tall, a little short Irish sheepherder from the Bronx. Weird accent, you know? Couldn't understand a damn thing he'd talk about. And he'd come in town every weekend and he'd wear a silk cowboy shirt and boots polished up and a silk bandana and a new cowboy hat and spurs. And he would come in and he would share and they called on him to share and he was so grateful. He'd been in Harrah's that day and at Harrahs Casino he found a free pole. Now there are two little lights on a slot machine. One says deposit coin, one says coin accepted. A lot of times people play two or three machines at a time and they'll put a coin in there and not pull the handle, walk away. So the coin accepted light is on and if you see that it's called a free poll. Pull the handle and if we win, if you win, you win. He found a fee pole, dollar slot machine, pulled the handle. $600 jackpot. And he was so grateful because now he could buy a new saddle for his horse. I sat there and I thought, I'm glad God's working in your life. What about me? And they called on me to share that night and I was grateful. I was thankful for some stuff I hadn't even thought about for a long time. I was greatful that when I got divorced there was a little custody battle for the kids i was grateful that the judge gave custody of my kids to my ex-wife very grateful i mean what would i have done if the judge had given me custody of the kids man i couldn't take care of me how am i going to take careof them i mean i'm living in my car i don't have anything to eat and two kids god i'm great i'm grateful to this day that he get it because they're doing great. They're doing great. I was grateful that I didn't grow up in an alcoholic environment, that I'd have to see some of the stuff I've heard some of y'all talk about, about dad beating mama up, moving out in the middle of the night. I didn'T have to say anything. I was thankful for stuff like that. And after the meeting, a guy named Conklin came up and old money, old Reno money. And he was talking to me and he said, John, God, I hope you get in AA. And I said, what are you talking about? I'm in AA, Conk. I've been here over a year. And he said yeah, but I just hope you get in AAA and take the third step. You need to surrender, man. I said I've taken the third step. I took it on my knees with my sponsor. You know Don, go ask him. He said, I have no doubt. I have not doubt that you said the prayer. Now I hope you take the step i said what do you mean and he said you haven't taken you know how i know you haven't taking the step john i said how he said because the third step says that we made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of god that means god is going to take care of you and the reason i know y'all taking that step is because god takes better care of His kids than the way you're living. Cut me like a knife. Because it's true, God doesn't treat His kids the way I was living. So if He's not doing it, who's doing it? Uh-huh. Pretty clear. And He made me a promise that night. I said, how do I do that? He said, listen, before you can surrender anything, you've got to accept it. You can't surrender something you have not accepted. Because until you've accepted it, You'll try to change it and fix it, manipulate it, maneuver it until you get it the way you want it. If you're going to accept it, then you can surrender it. So he says, you're gonna have to accept your life. You're gonna accept the fact that you're in your car. You're not the hot shot you think you are. You're at the hot spot you're acting like you are, you're totally helpless. You can't get a job, you've been trying, nothing's working out. You're a bum, you know? And you're gunna stay in your card till you're no longer in your cart. and you're gonna have to accept that fact and when you do he said i promise you god will start to work in your life things will start to happen so fast that you can't keep up with it be impossible for you to keep up and he said the next thing you need to quit doing is you need to quit praying for things you don't need to pray for a job you don' t think god knows you need a job? If he doesn't, you better get a new God. You don't need to pray for food. You don' t think God knows you need food? You don''t need to pray for a place to live. God knows you need a place to live! The only thing you need to pray for is the knowledge of His will. If you could have the knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out, you'd be okay. So quit praying for stuff just pray for knowledge of his will and i uh he promised me it would work and it worked fast and i left there and i was staying at the mgm grand hotel well in the parking lot of the hotel and uh i used to walk around the casinos used to watch you stay inside there and walk up and down rows and rows and rolls of slot machines till 3 34 o'clock in the morning because it's warm in there it's cold outside and i stayed in there and looked for change until about four o'clock went out to go to sleep slept in the front seat and i'm sitting there and i'M PETRIFIED i'M SCARED TO DEATH BECAUSE SOMETHING'S GOT TO HAPPEN IT'S GOTTA HAPPen PRETTY QUICK BECAUse I'M REALLY STARTING TO GET A COLD MY NOSE IS STARTING RUNNING I'M COUGHING AND MY PRAYER THAT NIGHT WASN'T ANYTHING I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAID BUT I REMEMBER HITTING A LEVEL OF ACCEPTANCE IT WAS really okay i was just exhausted i've been sober over a year and i'm living in my car and i got no money and i am skinny and iam coughing and i don't know what to do and if i could just know what he wanted me to do i would go do it i didn't care i wasjust exhausted and there weren't any great bolts of lightning no visions i just felt okay and went to sleep and igot up the next morning and went down to the Shell Station and Shave. Went and contacted all the convenience stores on the west side of town that day and looked for work. Went to a meeting at St. Mary's Hospital that night. Then I hit the Hilton and I'm walking around the Hinton and I don't know what to do. And I'm not doing it. I'm looking for nickels, dimes, and quarters at the bottom of slot machine trays and it's 3.30 Sunday morning. I'm não estou procurando um trabalho. Eu estou procURANDO CHANÇA. Eu tenho um trabalho que é o melhor trabalho que eu poderia ter. Pagou-me quatro dólares por hora. and one meal a day, okay? I don't care if I got a job that paid me $10,000 a month. What would I have eaten for a couple weeks? Got to go a couple of weeks to get paid. But I got one meal today. It's the best job I could have gotten. And I worked graveyard shift. So I was working midnight to 8. And I got off work my first night, Sunday night till Monday morning. I got up at 8 o'clock and went down to central office to meet Don and had coffee and I'd eaten the night before and I had this job and we were both crying and laughing a little bit that I had had that job and eaten and the phone rang and he answered the phone, long pause and he says yes, I know him, another long pause and he said well yes, another long pause, well he's sitting right here gave me the phone I answered the call and it was a guy named Humphreys Doc Humphrey medical doctor, no longer practiced medicine, he was a He built homes. He was a contractor, subdivision. He was the next-door neighbor to my parents. Grew up knowing him. And he said, I was talking to your folks over the weekend, and your mom's really worried because she hadn't heard from you. See, I couldn't call her. And he says, they didn't know where you were. And I said, well, I'm here in Reno. He said, Well, they said that last they'd heard you were in Reno, and I said well, how am I going to be in Reno tomorrow? I'll call the cops and see if they know. And they said, well, he's supposed to be in AA. When you get there, would you call AA and see if they've heard of him? And so he says, I got in town this morning. I called AA, and hell, there you are. I said, oh, yeah, I'm sober, a member of AA. And he said, that's great. He said, are you working? I said、 oh, sure, yeah. I got a job at the Hilton, you know. He said、 that's good. He said، where are you living? I said، well, I am moving, you now. We just don't let them know how bad it is out there, you kno. He said this is great. He said see I'm building a subdivision instead stead is eight miles north of Reno So I'm buildin a subdivison out there sold a lot of homes got a lot more to sell and he said I've sold a home To a guy that I think is stealing from me He's still in paint lumber supplies thousands of dollars of stuff He's I got a house right next to his I haven't sold yet He said if I if I turn the utilities on out there Pam Will you move out there and keep an eye on him on weekends and stuff when I'm not around here tonight? I I said, well, hell, I'll come out and look at it. You know? We don't stay humble very long, you know? In 48 hours, God had done for me what I couldn't do for myself. In 48 HOURS. I had nothing to do with that. I went from living in my car to living in a three-bedroom home, you know, to a job and eating every day. And by the way, that's the basis of all spirituality, food and shelter. If you've got it, you're okay. All this other crap we talk about. We get upset because the plane's late, you now. Well, we ain't guaranteed tomorrow. I'm on borrowed time tonight, you kno. That promise that Conklin made me that night has come true. I can't keep up with it. It's impossible for me to keep up with what God's doing. It really is. You know, sometimes in the AA we hear about these two time frames, God's time and my time. Right? I wish God would hurry up. I believe in two timetables, God's times and my times. The difference is that God's is a whole lot quicker. The problem is me getting out of God's way. I have to learn to let God be God and let Him take care of me and learn to let me be His son. And when He does that, there's no time frame on it. It happens quicker than I can keep up with it. It's incredible. I could go on for eight hours telling you about the things that God has done for me that I couldn't do for myself as everybody here could. I moved to Dallas in February 1 of 83 and it all came together big time. Got back into the insurance business, had a tremendous amount of rewards in that area. Got married, got divorced. You know? It's all come together. Well, we don't do anything once. I mean, you know. Check your police record. Everything comes in pairs, right? i'm about out of time i want to share a couple other little things with you i had to make amends to my guys i was sponsoring about six months ago i sponsored about 15 guys and i was going nuts and i started talking to my sponsor and my sponsor says is anybody getting well i said no they're all crazier than hell these are kind of like their sponsor see i got confused because i started hearing a lot of stuff i didn't know i didn'T understand what they were talking about and they were telling me stuff that i wouldn'T have dared say to my sponsor you know it was incredible stuff that was going on talking about going to therapy talking about antidepressants big in my area of the country talking about setting boundaries. First guy that told me that, I said, hell, where do you set those boundaries? And he started telling me. I said well how do you know that's where they're supposed to be? He said we get to pick. I said you're picking where you're setting your boundaries? Wonderful. Really a scary deal. I found out that I was letting them deal with issues. I'd sit in meetings and they'd talk about I'm dealing with an issue. And I found out I was guilty and had to make amends to the guys I sponsored because I was not passing on the program that was passed on to me. The program that Was Passed On To Me does not deal with issues. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous that WasPassedOnToMe never has, never will deal with any issues. If I could have dealt with issues, I would have done it and wouldn't need to come here. what the program has passed on to me says is that we don't deal with issues what we do is we practice principles the issues take care of themselves and the principles are outlined in the 12 steps of recovery of alcoholics anonymous in the 12 traditions for the groups i've never seen anybody get well dealing with issues you ever seen that happen you ever see anybody get well going to therapy trying to deal what my program told me is that i'm beyond human help so why what good i guess if i want to blow 50 100 bucks i could do that but if i wanna get well in the program of alcoholics and honest from alcoholism if i have other issues that's one thing but with with alcoholism then i better practice some principles and let the issues take care of themselves because god will take care of me if i really believe that third step then god is going to take care of it of course maybe there's nothing to that god deal maybe that's just a coincidence maybe everything has happened to me and my sobriety just a coincident i don't know nothing to do with that god damn maybe it's like i was in a meeting i have a big group two three hundred people in my group birthday party we have 300 people at birthday party after the meeting this is several years ago gal came up to me she was on the desk and she said john she said a little lady has called from san antonio and her son's drunk and he's been drinking for two weeks and he suicidal and he couldn't find his phone number but he found uh her phone number he could remember her so he called her and asked her to call a for help would you call him i said i want to talk to her first so i called her talked to her she said yeah he's Been Drinking For Two Weeks He's Real Suicidal so i called him told him who i was you want some help he said yeah i do and i said well i said what's your address i'll come see you he said well you'll never find it and i said yeah I'll find it give me your address he says the street's only two blocks long and it's hard to find and i don't know how to i'm too messed up to tell you how to get it you'll never find it i said give me your damn address i will find it so i said i live on dome street well i have i've shared this story probably we have, as I said, we have about 200, 300 groups in Dallas metroplex area. And I've talked to 100, 150 of them. And i've shared this story with every one of them and i've asked probably 10,000 drunks does anybody know where dome street is? Nobody in Dallas Texas in AA knows where dome street is. I know where Dome Street is. Okay. I have a client that lives on Dome street. Not only does he live on dome street he's literally the next door neighbor of the guy calling okay i said i know right where you are be there in five minutes grabbed a guy sponsored went by to see him you know ah there's not a lot to that is there that's just a quince you know the odds of that i'm a gambler right the odds of a woman calling information long distance from san antonio asking them for a group of AA in Dallas. They give them out of 300 groups, Dallas North. She picks, the guy that answers the phone picks out of 200 to 300 people, me, to give that 12-step call to and I know where Dome Street is. Oh yeah, I want to bet on that. Of course, that's just a coincidence, isn't it? it's like when i was getting on the airplane a few months after that i'm getting on an airplane going out to california on some business i'm there my plane leaves at 8 30 i get there eight o'clock they say the plane's been delayed an hour we'll be leaving in an hour so i get a cup of coffee smoke a cigarette i'm sitting there they come on an hour later and they say the plane has been canceled there's some standby only two gates down maybe some of you can go on that 50 of us run down there i'm the second to the last guy to get on the aeroplane okay got the second or the last standby seat i go back to the smoking sections when you can smoke there's one seat in the smoking section sitting next to a good-looking blonde in a red dress never get that red dress god is working in my life right i sit down and this guy's cute but chatterbox man chatter chatter chatter driving me nuts we finally take off and after about 30 minutes she hushes down and she pulls out her needle point she's needle pointing i look over she's Needle pointing, the serenity prayer. I said, my turn. So I said what are you doing? She says well I'm needle pointing. I said yeah. What is that? Now she's really nervous. She holds up and says well it's the serENITY prayer. I said oh, you one of those Jesus freaks? She said no, no,no,no. She started needle pointing and she's real nervous now. She says but I do try to lead a spiritual life. I said really? She said yeah, she's going 100 miles an hour with that needle point. I said, boy, you get after that fast. She stopped and she says, well, my mom told me I shouldn't do this because I have a compulsive personality. I said you're kidding. She's just scared to death, man. She's going 90 miles an hour to that needlepoint. I've got to stop her or she's going to break a finger. I said if that's the serenity prayer and you're trying to lead a spiritual life and you've got a compulative personality. I said are you a friend of Bill Wilson's? Boy, she stopped and sighed and she said, yeah. Are you? I said, no. She got a puzzled look on her face, you know? I said he died a long time before I got sober. Come to find out this gal had two years sober. This was her first trip away from Dallas in sobriety. She was scared to death. She just had her first drunk dream the night before. And got up late trying to catch the plane and didn't have time to call our sponsor to talk about it. We had a great three-hour meeting. going out there and she said to me one time she said you know she said i was sitting up in the non-smoking section i'm trying to quit smoking and then when they announced that they were going to let the standbys on i asked if i could move back here because i was getting nervous and she says can you believe i god had me moved back here just sit by you and i said oh hell he canceled my whole flight to get me to come over here you know i'm just simple enough to believe that of course that's just a coincidence isn't it nothing to that god deal in aa he's not really going to fix this is he we can do it just fix herself no it's like last december i'm down at a little teeny conference called the border conference it's in it's in del rio texas small place okay i love the conference i'm down here on saturday i was going to speak saturday night and i meet this little gal she's got a little badge on there her name is dotty from connecticut and i said what are you doing from connectica and del río and she said well i'm on my way to see my husband he's in the navy and he's at san diego and i live in connecticut and i'm the way to see him and i have a girlfriend here in del rio and i stopped i was driving stopped here to see her call and found out there was a conference came i said okay so i spoke saturday night after the meeting after everybody left she came over and she said john can i ask you a question i said yeah she said you grew up in utah and i said yes and she said do you have any relatives in orem utah and i said well my folks i said i grew up in orm utah and she said well do you uh are you related to mark and betty joe i said oh they're my parents she started crying i said dotty what's wrong she told me her last name she only had an e and she said tommy is my husband tommie is my first cousin grew up with tommi and i'd heard tommY was in a but we had lost track hadn't seen tommyy for 18 years and uh we got talking and she says tommiy has been struggling with the program and he ain't sober tonight she had six years tommyi didn't have any time he called she talked to him two days before the time I was talking to her and he was drunk that night. And we spent about four hours talking that night and re-established a contact there and we've been writing back and forth. You know the odds of that? She's in Connecticut, he's in San Diego, I'm in Dallas and we meet in del rio you want to know how good god's timing is she left two days driving if she's six hours late i miss her if she'S three hours late i miss er that's just a coincidence isn't it nothing to this god deal you know i don't know why i worry about stuff but i do when God has been taking care of me at neck-breaking speed my whole life, you know. And that's all gifts that y'all have given me. And you can feel it. You can feel the special power and the special love in every AA meeting that you'll ever attend like you can this afternoon. And I've probably gone a little longer than I expected to, but I'm just tickled that y´all invited me to come down and share. and I want to thank you for the opportunity and tell you that I love you very much Thank you