Why Character Defects Were Survival Tools – Chad P.

Julie said get into 6 and 7 quick. She knows my history. All right, let me rearrange all this stuff. Those of you listening on tape, the reason that sounds that way is because I'm moving the recorder. My name is Chad Payne. I'm an alcoholic. I'm sober since April 2nd of 2003. And this is the after lunch 6 and 7 talk, otherwise known as nap time. So I'm telling you right now, wake up. Let's be lively. Seriously, though, if you do feel yourself getting a little sleepy after eating and being out in the sunshine, just stand up. It's okay. It's not going to hurt my feelings. Stand up. Move around a little bit. That's fine. I have dozed off, you can ask to it. I've dozed off. I've dozed off in the middle of some enthralling speakers. So I know how it feels. So no worries. Julie, not my Julie. Julie, thank you, Julie, for putting this on. Does anybody have any doubt who's in charge of this thing? Is it pretty obvious? Is it just me? It does. You know, I love how Julie opened this up, talking about everybody here. And it does take a village for some of us. You know, and I just love people like Julie, who's a creator in AA. You know, a creator. And the effect that that has on so many alcoholics, so many people in recovery. Somebody that's willing to create things and, you know, so early in sobriety and be doing all this stuff. So thank you. Thank you for doing this. Our other speakers, Nicoletta said she takes after her grandma. She's a badass. Right? For sure. Wow. I mean, that's what I thought the first time I heard. I was like, she's talking about such spiritual things and seems like such a badass. That's exactly how I felt. And I love, you know, Shannon, both you guys just bringing such a passion. Such a passion for AA and for helping people and for growth, spiritual growth. Because those aren't always in the same package. You know, there are a lot of people in AA out there that are really passionate for carrying the message. But when it comes to looking at myself, not so much. You know, and it's cool to meet people that are and get to get to know people and kind of fall in love with people that are really passionate about all this. And then my Julie, like she belongs to me. I mean, you know, that's what my head tells me when she's misbehaving. I was telling Julie the other day, one of the most genuine people that I know, you know, I just it's such an honor to get to get to walk this path. And do this together. And we were last night. We were sitting at the kitchen table with our big books out. And what are we going to talk about tomorrow? And we were just going through looking at lines and just like there's no better way to start geeked out on the big book. And how fun is that? And then to have couples doing this, it is really it's a cool thing to have couples doing this. And my you'll hear a lot about my old sponsor, Charlie, who died two years ago. And his wife, Katie, and both of them run around all over carrying the message. If you've never listened to Charlie and Katie, give them a listen. They're easy. You find. And Katie used to say one of my favorite sayings. She would say one alcoholic in a relationship is a lot. And we both both. We got to. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, how many people are here in a relationship? I mean, how many people are in a relationship with someone else in recovery? Raise your hand. OK. Yeah. That can be, you know, it can. It can. It's so much fun to geek out on the big book on a Friday night. But it's a it's it's a challenge. You know, it really is a challenge because we're we're up here talking about the failure of self-will. And it's coming from experience. It's not a theory, you know, and it's coming from current experience. And when you put two people together like that in a relationship where I'm dependent on you to keep me happy and you're dependent on me to keep you happy, that can be a recipe for disaster. And I can tell you that some of the. The best growth that's happened to Julie and I has come through the work we've had to do around living with each other in this in a relationship. Julie and I have been together 12 years and we're in round three. You know, it's it's been a it's been a it's been a challenge. But I remember one time we were we used to we used to fight and we tried so hard not to fight. We worked so, so hard. We we would stop in the middle of the fight and pray and then continue fighting. We would meditate together. I remember we're listening to a talk. I always kind of round the end off his name because I'm not exactly sure how to say it. He he did a talk and it's the first time I had ever heard anyone talk about this. It's actually in the big book. It's mentioned in the chapter of wives. But but he talked about the true from a spiritual standpoint, the true purpose of relationship is that my buttons are all displayed on my chest right here. And I've got a lot of them and they're easy to push. I'm easily frustrated, easily annoyed. There's a lot, you know. And hers and we match up perfectly. I push hers and she pushes mine. I bring up the stuff in her. She needs to get free of. She brings up the stuff in me. I need to get free of. Sounds all cool when you put it that way. In actual practice, it can be pretty painful. But but but but what a gift. And I'm going to talk a little bit more about that later. How many how many people in it? Do I have any big book lovers in here? Anybody love the beer? Yes. I love to be in a room like this. You know what? OK. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. wrote it and bill said no i didn't it just came to me and that's what i see in this uh in this big book it's it's so divinely inspired and you know how i know that because bill had three years when he wrote it i have 22 years right now and there are things in this book that mean more to me today than they meant to me when i was new it keeps speaking to me like in a different language like it's written differently and it means something different i'm reading the check more about alcoholism in the beginning you just change a word a couple words around you're like whoa that's me today complete oh i mean it just gives me chills just thinking about the power that this book has had in my life and and um and it's not that i worship this book it's that i that i'm that i'm so grateful for for what i've been given by following the directions that are laid out in this book and that's really what it's about to actually do it um i want to tell you just real briefly a little bit about my story in childhood i developed plenty of stuff to bring into step six and seven you know i came from an alcoholic home and uh certainly you know what i've heard plenty of fifth steps to know that i wasn't that i had it a lot easier than a lot of people in here did but uh but you know there was alcoholism in the home and there was um a lot of the stuff that goes along with it in the beginning it was really cool you know we moved in with my stepdad when i was about six years old and the party started and it was awesome my older brother and sister and and uh and and you know when i knew when the when the when the sun was going down and and if the stereo was set up outside and the drinks were you know and the music's playing we're gonna have a lot of fun it was a lot of fun and then it got crazy and then you know it got real crazy and then we're split up and then we're you know things are there's plates being broken and phones being ripped out of the wall and you know it's just just got crazy and all that stuff going on and uh and and through that process i developed a set of belief systems a set of old ideas a set of character defects that i would carry on into adulthood none of that made me alcoholic i have the same thing you know in common with the other speakers and with you guys in here once i start to drink i lose control and um and and you know what happened for me is is uh is is as i'm growing up and i'm developing a spiritual malady i love it you know how old was i when i needed my first rum and coke i don't know but it was pretty damn early and i waited way too long i wasn't going to drink because my family drank i didn't want to be like them you know so i held on i held that as long as i could i remember the first time i drank i thought my god why haven't i been doing this this is amazing i i i knew at that time it was going to be a lot of fun it was just so much fun what i know now that i that i didn't know then is that what alcohol did for me is it it got me out of my head it got me out of my mind and into the present moment with you and it's funny you were talking about these present moment drive-bys i'll tell you how to get present drink drink i i get i get right here with you when i drink no i don't anymore it's all gone but in the beginning it really it really worked and it's julie and i joke about this sometimes because we'll see people that are not alcoholic they're really suffering through life and we're like why don't you just get loaded makes it so much better you know and that's what happened for me you know i knew from the beginning all i didn't know that i was having a spiritual experience because i was drinking and i was um i was getting free of the stuff that i'm gonna you know continue on in sobriety to try to get i didn't know any of that was going on just knew it was a lot of fun and i was gonna do it as much as i could and that's what i did and everything that had been a priority to me was to get rid of it and to get rid of it and to get rid of it and to get rid of it and to get rid of it and to get rid of it and to get rid of it and to get rid of it and my life got pushed to the side if it stood in the way of my drinking and it turns out anything that really counted did stand in the way of my drinking so the consequences got bad enough and i had my first surrender i had my first surrender to alcohol a few years before i got sober and what that looked like is i had a bad wreck and there were a lot of a lot of bad stuff happened with that i spent a long time in the hospital i was beat up pretty bad a bunch of broken bones and things like that and uh and and and my big dysfunctional family that i'd pushed out of my life and i was in a lot of trouble and i was in a lot of trouble and i was in a lot of they showed up for me and i sit down with people in my family i told them i'm done i'm never doing this again i meant it i meant it i'm never i'm never i can't drink i cannot control this i can't i can't live a life that involves any drinking i'm gonna quit and um i mean i really meant it you know and i lasted i got out of the hospital lasted two days you know but that was my surrender to alcohol it said i quit i don't want to suffer these consequences anymore i don't want to put my my daughter through this anymore she she spent way too much of her life not knowing where her dad is you know she spent way too much of her life watching her mom and dad fight because dad disappeared again she seemed you know she spent too much of her life having to go be at the grandparents house because dad didn't pay the rent there's nowhere to live that kind of thing i didn't want to do that anymore and i didn't want to do it to me i didn't want to do it to my mom i didn't want to do it to you know i'm done and uh and and when i make a firm commitment to to never pick up another drink i know now based on my experience that i last two days that's how long i last i get home from the hospital my the birds evidently just jump Pourquoi je ne Residente go home,ドアレド That's my banks Pranking my jawнуться are wired shut i'm on a Walker my shoulders so messed up i can hardly use the walker walker you know i got metal in my hip and my pelvis and i probably weighed 130 and my life is i cannot use this walker walker walker everything has fallen apart domicile my life is everything has fallen apart and then people stood up and you know came showed up to help me with all that going on and with with in every reason to not pick up again and the understanding that this will happen again i'm just seeing what my world is and in my life a change in my life is exactly what the problem is, is that I continue to drink my life away and hurt people. With all that going on, I last two days. Two days later, I'm staying out all night drinking whiskey and smoking meth off tinfoil. That's what it looks like when I have every reason to quit, and I do everything I can to quit. That's what I do. And I spent the next few years quitting. Anybody have the quitting years? I quit a lot. I'm good at it, man. I quit in a heartbeat. I quit right now. And I just kept picking up again, and it was so miserable, and I ended up homeless and all that stuff. And then some things happened, and I got into a little treatment center, and they introduced me to AA. What I heard them say was if you want to not go back to the way you've been living, then what you're going to have to do is never drink again, and if you want to never drink again, what you're going to have to do is go get in the middle of AA, and you're going to have to go back to AA. And you're going to have to go back to AA. And you're going to do that by going to a lot of meetings and getting involved in the groups and helping out, hanging out with sober people. And I did all that. You know, I showed up early. I set up chairs. I stayed late and cleaned out ashtrays. I made coffee. I don't even drink coffee. I hung out with people before and after the meetings. I was on all the committees. I was chairing meetings. And that's what my recovery was based on. It was based on being a member of AA, and I stayed sober, and I stayed sick. And I understand the reason that I stayed sober today is because I truly did put my heart and soul into being a member of AA, and the fellowship kept me sober. It was a power greater than me that kept me sober. And about a year into that, almost a year into that, I had grown tired of you. You guys were bugging me. I loved you in the beginning. In the beginning, it was so cool because I could see. I knew you drank the way I drank because I'd hear you tell the stories, and you don't make that stuff up. You have to have been there. You have to have been there to be able to describe it the way you guys have been describing it to me, but that's not what you were experiencing. You had a light in your eyes. Something had changed, and I loved you. Fast forward a year later, and I'm like, please don't call on that guy. God, I can't stand to talk about his stupid divorce, and I don't care. And the meetings almost started. I'm like, come on, bro. You've got to say something. You know that one person you want to hear him share? You know, come on, Nicolette. I need to hear from you because it's all I got. I get a little bit of relief, and I can go home and go to bed and make it through. Make it to work tomorrow morning about an hour or two late. That's usually about how I roll. It's funny. In the beginning, I worked with a good friend of mine. We worked for a painter in AA for $8 an hour, and we called it Jeff's Halfway House Painting. He recruited all his employees from AA. It was a high turnover rate. I remember one day I showed up at noon. I was a little late. I was running a little late. He's like, what freaking time zone do you live in as he's coming back from lunch? But, I mean, you can't afford to fire people because you never know who all you're going to lose to alcohol that day. I meet this guy. This guy shows up at the meeting. He had moved in from Las Vegas, and I'm chairing the meeting, so I'm going to do my job. I'm going to go talk to him after the meeting, introduce him to a couple of people, welcome him to the area, and then go hang out with my friends, probably at the Waffle House. That's like the perfect hangout for people in their first year of sobriety because you can eat bacon and smoke cigarettes at the same time. I spent many hours in a Waffle House. I talked to this guy for a minute. It turns into a two-hour conversation. He gave me the greatest gift I've ever received. He 12-stepped me on the front. He said, I'm going to go to the Waffle House. I went to the front steps of that meeting. A year into sobriety, he told me what was wrong with me. He used his experience to explain alcoholism so that I could lay it up against my experience and see that I have it. And I've been raising my hand saying, my name's Chad. I'm an alcoholic. I didn't know what it meant, though. I didn't know what it meant. There's two important pieces to that. I've got to have the experience, which I had out there. And then I've got to have the understanding because I've got to be clear on what it is that's wrong with me because that's what's going to make me willing to do what comes next. Because until I'm clear on that, until I, number one, have the experience, and number two, have to surrender based on an understanding of what it is that's wrong with me, I'm not going to do those steps on the wall. They're silly. I'm not doing that. I don't believe that's going to work. Charlie used to say we underestimate two things greatly when we come in here. The number one thing we underestimate is how much trouble we're in. And the number two thing we underestimate is how much those steps can do for us. Because we all look at them and we go, come on. Really? What's that got to do with anything? We have no idea what's in store for us. How many of you have no idea what's in store? I love that. So I worked the steps with this guy. I've got a real problem with it. I'm agnostic and I'm not going to get into all that. That was so beautifully described by Julie in her talk, but I've certainly had that experience. But I can tell you what I did. I worked the steps not because I believed in God. I seriously didn't believe in God. And if you didn't know that, then that meant you never spent any time with me. Because if you'd ever spent any time with me, I would have told you all about how I didn't believe in God and why I didn't believe in God. I worked the steps because I believed in alcoholism. And then in the process, I had an experience with a God I didn't believe in. I wouldn't call it God, because I've still got to make sure you know I'm atheist. It's very important to me. But I had an experience. Something changed drastically within me. The man you see up here today is not the man that went into that process years ago. I'm going to fast forward a little ways down the road. I got about five years sober. I'm moving down to Austin, Texas. And I'm moving there kind of as part of the amends process to my daughter. She moved down there with her mom and stepdad. And I had just finished school. I went back to school after I got sober. And I had just finished up. And, you know, with some good guidance from sponsors, and some other people telling me to do things that I'm sure, they were totally wrong about, I ended up moving down to Austin to help raise her. And what happened is I found myself, and I resisted this, but I found myself sitting at a table on Thursday nights in a meeting that we called the Common Solution Meeting. And this was Charlie's meeting. And the reason that he started that meeting is because Mark Houston had moved down to Austin, Texas. And he wanted, Charlie wanted, he got Mark as a sponsor. And he wanted to bring his sponsees to that table so that they could listen to Mark for an hour once a week. And I got plopped right down in that and had no idea where I was. And I got involved with the Primary Purpose Group, which is an in-depth study of the big book, which I wasn't really into at that time. And when I look back on it now, I see that God took a crazy alcoholic like me and placed him exactly where he needed to be. And I meet people all over the country today. Who say, I can't believe you were at that table. I would give anything to have been at that table. And I didn't even know where I was. I didn't know it was special. I didn't know it meant anything. That's all in hindsight. As a matter of fact, I actually had a group I was attending on Thursday nights. And Charlie had to say, Chad, you are not going to that group anymore. You're coming to my house. I'm like, come on, man. I got a service position there. He's like, that's not why you're going. It's on the UT campus and there are college girls there. Sorry, man. That had nothing to do with it. That's just what he said. What a gift. And I learned so much. You know, the big book came alive for me. So many things changed. And I remember Mark talking. And if you've never listened to Mark Houston, my God, please do yourself a favor and go listen. You might hate him. But he revolutionized things for me. He made this come alive. And I know many of us have that person. You know, this is a person. Somewhere that made this stuff come alive. But he made this stuff come alive for all of us. We're all just sitting around the table going, what is this man talking about? What book is he reading from? To me, this was just another book. Today, this is a divinely inspired piece of literature. That if I learn what it says, study what it says, do what it says and go out and carry its message, my life changes and I can change the lives of others. What a gift that is. So one of the things, that we learned, we're going to talk about it a little bit later. And we were talking about it outside in the parking lot. Mark would call them the strict spiritual disciplines of steps 10 and 11. I don't know how many times I heard him say strict spiritual disciplines. I'm like, Mark, if you would call them something besides strict spiritual disciplines, we might do them. But what he talked about was like, how free do you want to be? How deep do you want to go? How much do you want to explore spiritualism? How much do you want to explore spirituality? Like, let's take this seriously and see what we can do with it. You know, what a gift this is. He talked about continuing to go deeper and deeper and deeper into the inventory process to really see what it is within me that's blocking me from experiencing the power of God on a daily basis in my life. He talked a lot about this third step and how the third step was so much more than a decision and a prayer. You know, it's interesting. Julie came up here and did a talk on step three and she didn't read the prayer. She talked very little about the prayer because if you get free of self, this stuff comes alive. That's the trick. The trick is not in finding God. The trick's getting free of what's blocking me from God. That's what it's all about. And then later on throughout, this process, step six and seven, I remember Mark doing a talk on the hour after the fifth step. And I'm sitting there going, looking at Mark, I'm looking at Charlie. I'm like, I totally remember. I said, I only got about 10% of what he said because who knows what you're supposed to do for an hour after the fifth step. Go home and meditate for an hour. An hour? Bro, I meditate for three minutes and I'm crawling out of my skin. I'm serious. I got an insight timer setting on here that still is for three minutes. Still the day. That's not what I do anymore, but I'm leaving it on here. Because I want to remember how this all started. You know, this three minute meditation that took two and a half hours. That I spent about 10 seconds actually present with the breath. And two minutes and 50 seconds thinking, is this ever going to end? And then after the fifth step, you want me to go do an hour? Yeah. So there was a lot of stuff that really, what do you even do? There's only two paragraphs in the book. Apparently you just phone it in and then move on and make the amends. You know, that's the way it all seemed. So all this stuff started to come alive. But when we talk about this hour, what do you do for this hour? And there's an interesting line in here on page 75. It says, whoops, that's 10 pages off. On page 75, it says, returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done. So I'm going to take a look back at that inventory, but that's not all I've done. What else have we done? It says, we thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better. And then it says, taking this book down from our shelf, I'm not sure why it's on a shelf, we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps, carefully reading the first five proposals, we ask if we have omitted anything. So what I'm doing here is I'm taking a look at, let's just take a minute here, or an hour, let's reflect on what we've done so far. Because what I'm about to do is take everything that I've done so far and I'm going to bring it to this power in steps 6 and 7. So what am I bringing? Am I clear? Am I clear on this idea that once I pick up a drink, I don't know what happens next? Yeah, that's pretty simple. I'm clear on that. Okay. Am I clear that when I quit drinking and I put everything that I have into not drinking again, that I'm going to pick up another drink? Am I clear that I'm not just powerless over alcohol once it's flowing in my body, that I'm powerless over it before I ever pick up the first one? Am I clear on that level of powerlessness? Am I clear that, at 22 years sober, if I step away from this work, I'm rolling the dice and I could pick up another drink any day? Am I clear on that? Am I clear that I'm beyond human aid? Am I clear that AA can't keep me sober? My sponsor can't keep me sober? The love of my kid can't keep me sober? Am I clear on all that? Am I clear that this is hopeless, progressive, and fatal? Progressive? Progressive even if I'm not drinking? Am I clear on that? Am I clear on that? Am I clear on that? Am I clear that what I did year one of sobriety may not be enough to keep me sober in year 22? Hmm. Can I bring that to God? Am I clear that I've got two alternatives? Today, not when I cut in. Today I have two alternatives. Die an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis. Am I clear? Can I bring that with me into six and seven? Am I convinced that my life run on self-will is not a success even when my life runs on self-will? Am I convinced that my life looks good from the outside? Even when I begin to look like other people, am I clear that I'm not like other people? That's a delusion. It's very seductive. Am I clear on that? Can I bring that to God in six and seven? Hmm. Do I have any secrets? You know what? Secrets are easy when you're new. Admitting a secret when you're 22 years sober sucks. I'm a grown-up. I don't have to go talk to you. I'm spiritual. Have you seen how they treat me in my home group? I'm not admitting this to anybody. My ego can't take that hit. My ego's crushed when I walk in the door for about ten minutes. Hmm. So there's a lot to look at there. What I'm actually trying to take into six and seven, when I look back at steps one, two, and three, what I'm actually trying to take into six and seven is a clear understanding of powerlessness. An open mind. An open heart. And a true willingness to change. That's what I'm trying to carry in. And hopefully the work I've done up to this point does that for me. I'm clear I'm powerless. I'm bringing an open mind, an open heart, and a true willingness to change into this process. Because everything that I've done has led to this point in six and seven. And everything I do from here on out is to carry this out. What happens in six and seven. That's what it's all about. I'm so glad that I got the most important steps today. Thank you. Thank you. So then when I move into six and seven, you know what? Six and seven is step three personalized. I didn't take the third step when I took the third step. You know why? I hadn't written inventory yet. Up until that point, it's an actor. It's each person. You know? By this time, by the time I'm moving to six and seven, now we're talking about me. What self-will looks like in my life. I have a new personalized awareness of how I show up. And that's why we're not writing inventory on how we drank and where we drank and who we drank with and what we did when we drank. That's not what it's about. It's about how self shows up in my life. That's what I need to get clear on. And the reason I need to get clear on that is because it's got to become objectionable. You know? So this is what... This is what I'm moving into. I'm moving in... It's the actual... That's why if you read the third step prayer up next to the seventh step prayer, guess what? Same prayer. It's just worded differently. You know, some people like to say there's an amen after it in the seventh step prayer, but not in a... Well, because this is like where you're actually carrying it out. Cool, that's fine. That's kind of how I look at it. Mike Lorenz, I love how he says it's like the third step with teeth. It's got teeth on it now, you know? Like this really means something. It was easy to make this third step commitment when we're talking about this theoretical person on pages 60 to 62. Now, I've written a fourth step and I've read it to somebody and I see it in me. And I'm looking at some of this stuff and going, my God, this is definitely objectionable. So, here's where it gets interesting. I love these lines in the book. I just remember exactly how I felt when we were reading it. And I felt this way more than once. It says, Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Yes. I'm absolutely ready. Can He now take them all? Yeah, I said yes. If we still cling to something, we will not let go. We ask God, what do you mean? No, I want this stuff gone. I've been beat over the head with it through this whole fifth step process. I'm looking back over my life like, I don't ever want this anymore. I'm tired of caring what people think about me. I'm tired of yelling at the person that I love. I'm tired of doing all this stuff and not being able to blame it on the drink. I'm tired. I don't want this in my life anymore. Get rid of it. I'm ready. No, you're not. No, Chad. No, you're not. What you're ready for is you're ready to stop suffering the consequences based on this stuff. You're not ready to give it up, though. I don't... Currently where I'm at, the way that I look at this, I'm not a big fan of the term character defects because in my mind, that says that they're just bad things. And what I understand today is that character defects, they're not my problem. They're my answer. My character defects are how I arrange life to suit me. They're pretty important. They're my tools. They're my walls. The walls that protect me from you. I need these things. I'll give you an example from early sobriety that was a real easy one. I came in here a pretty big liar. And then I decided that now that I'm in AA, I need to be good. One of the things I'm going to have to stop doing is lying. So I quit lying. I'd make it till about 10 a.m. if I got up at 9. That was a tough one, you know. And the truth is, I need lying. I need it. You've been living the way I'm living. You need to be able to lie. Lying is what gets me out of trouble. Lying is what gets you to like me. I feel I hate myself so much. If you don't like me, I just can't handle it. And if I can embellish the story, the story's... Anybody ever tell that story that happened to you, but really it didn't happen to you, it happened to someone you knew? The story's true, it just didn't actually happen to me. I love it because there's always two or three people when I say that that laugh too quickly and then they're like... I'm like, yeah, I know who you are. Do that too. Yeah, the truth is, man, dishonesty is not... It's not something in itself. It's the effect of living a life identified with self. It's necessary. I have to be dishonest. I need that. I can't give that up. When I quit smoking, when I had about 18 months and I went to my sponsor, told him I was going to quit smoking, he said, I quit smoking when I had about the same amount of time you do. And I said, really, how'd you do it? Because I've been trying, you know. Anybody ever throw away full packs of cigarettes and go buy another one? Ugh. I guess today, somebody might throw away a vape and then that's expensive. He said, when I quit smoking, I made a deal with God. Okay, what kind of deal? And he said, the deal I made with God is this. God, I won't pick up another cigarette if you'll make sure I'm okay without them. Now, I don't know if that helped me quit smoking. I don't know. But it certainly applies to my experience with character defects. Because we're asking, what we're doing is we're trying to, we're getting into a level of God reliance that I'm not familiar with. Up to this point, I think God reliance is like, yeah, I'm going to rely on God to make sure my rent gets paid. Or something like that. But now what I'm looking at is a level of God reliance that says, okay, God, I'll quit lying if you'll make sure that I'm okay even if they don't like me. Mmm. That's a different, God, I'll tell the truth if you'll make sure I'm okay even if I get in trouble and have to suffer the consequences. That's tough, you know? And then it goes a little bit deeper. I always like to use this example because I have so many people hit me with this, so many men especially hit me with this later and have this experience. But when Julie and I were in those fighting years, I would experience some pretty, pretty, the fighting years. I would experience some pretty bad rage, you know? And I'll just kind of give you an idea what it looked like. She would be upset with something that was totally unfair. And she would tell me that she's upset. Well, I can't handle her being upset, number one, because she's the source of joy in my life. My kind of emotional state is like this. Julie's is like this. Okay, here's what I need. I need for her to keep it up here because she pulls me up. I don't know this without self-examination. But when she's up here, she pulls me up and I get to experience a level, a joy and laughter and fun that I don't experience on my own. I need that from her. So what I'm saying basically is I need for you to say at the top level of your happiness, forever. Well, then she gets upset about something. This starts to kind of go down. I see it going down a little bit. I'm like, oh no, we got to solve this problem. So let me explain to her how she sees it wrong. So obviously she'll come back up and to be happy, right? And what would happen is I'd explain this to her. And it's like she didn't hear me. So I repeat it. She still didn't hear me. So I raise my voice a little. Now she's telling me how I'm wrong. So I'm going to have to really, well, next thing you know, and I mean, guys, I've tried to tell this in a funny way, but the truth is it's pretty disgusting. But the next thing you know, I'm throwing something across the room. I'm banging my head down on the table. She's having some PTSD. She's crying, you know. And then, you know, next thing you know, I'm walking, I'm walking down the road trying to cool off thinking, Chad, I hate you. You're the worst person in the world. How could you do this to her? You know, this is the person you love more than anyone you've ever known in your life. And she's back home crying and you're walking down the road and you're going to have to call your sponsor and tell them what you did one more freaking time. Are you kidding me? You know, why would I not want to be free of that? I'm filled with all that shame and guilt, so let it go. You know what I found out? I need rage. You know what rage does? It does for me. It shuts down a conversation. It shuts it down just like that. Now, Julie's corrected me. She's not 5'2". She's 5'4". But if you're 5'4", I can shut down a conversation real quick. I can slam my hand down on the table. I can throw something across the room. I can yell. And it will end the conversation. Yeah. Of course, it will also sacrifice a loving relationship. So here's what I want. I want to be able to lie in a way that works. I want to be able to shut down a conversation. I want to take it just right to the point where it's like, you know what's going to happen if you don't shut it down. And she's going to go, oh yeah, okay, I'll stop. It never works. It never works. And maybe that's why it's called a character defect. Because it's not getting me what I want. My goals are different now. What I want to have is a truly loving, meaningful relationship. I didn't care that much about that before I got sober. I just needed to know how to shut down a conversation. I didn't care whether or not people trusted me. I just needed to know how to lie my way out of stuff. But things change. My goal changes. And that means that solution's not working for me anymore. You know, but I still think I need it. One that I'm dealing with today, just to be fully transparent, indecision. I get overwhelmed. I have decisions to make. I don't know which decision to make. So you know what? Let's see what's on YouTube. It's a tough one to give up. What does indecision do for me? Why would that be in my toolkit? Well, if I don't make a decision, then I'll make the wrong decision. And somewhere in my set of old ideas, there's a real strong one that says, if you're wrong, you're bad. I've got to be right. And I'll sacrifice a lot to be right. So here's the question then. What do I want? What do I really want here? I'm kind of faced with a dilemma. It's about management versus surrender. I'm trying to manage character defects. The steps are asking me to surrender them. So now, are we now ready to let God, oh, okay, maybe I'm going to try to be ready. Can He now take them all, every one? I mean, I guess, but there's a couple I really would like to hold on to because I need them. I hear something, some people say, God doesn't remove all my character defects. I believe God will remove every single one of them that you will surrender. The truth is, I'm not ready to surrender. If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing. I understand that today. God, please help me be willing to let this go. Trust that you'll take care of me if I don't have this tool in my toolbox. Okay. So all you've got to do then is just surrender and you're good to go. No, now we're faced with lack of power. It sounds like when you're drinking, right? That first surrender I had to alcohol was like, okay, okay, I'm done. I'm not going to do this anymore. And then it's like, oh, yes, you are. That's what character defects are like. Not only am I powerless because I'm asleep and I don't see that it's a solution. Even when I see that it is a solution, I see the truth about it, I still can't stop. And that's a tough place to be. How many people have tried to work on your character defect? Anybody tried to work on it? We have, sometimes we have a little bit of success with that, but it doesn't last. It just doesn't last long. You know, that kind of success, it's not the kind of success that a guy like me needs to get free of some of this stuff. Here's the deal. Most of us want our lives to change. But the truth is, if I really want my life to change, I have to change. I can't stay me and expect my life to be any different. As long as I'm the same me you're looking at, I'm going to keep having the same experiences that I'm having. Anybody have a certain situation that keeps coming up for you? Maybe it's a certain, it's a new name and a new face, same situation. I remember my principal, I taught at a school for kids that were kicked out of school. I taught in a disciplinary alternative high school for a long time. And my principal, he was really a wise man. And one day he said to us, he said, all right, I want everybody in here. This was toward the end of the year. He said, I want everybody in here to think about that kid that just drives you crazy. That kid that you just can't handle. And it's like, okay, done. We all got that kid. I'm like, I'm having to narrow it down. I got a few here. And he says, the year's almost over. And that kid's probably going to go back to his home campus to start the next year. That's great. You know, that kid's going to be gone. But he's coming back. That kid's coming back. He's going to have a different name and a different face, but he's coming back and he's going to push the same buttons on you. So what I'm asking you to do is over the summer, figure out a way, find a way to get free of those buttons that that kid's pushing. Wow. You know, how much does that speak? I'm running on programs. Programs. That's what this is really saying. I'm running on programs. When this happens in my life, I do this. It's a program. And it's way too powerful for me to think my way out of it. Way too powerful. The only way any of these programs are going to change is if God changes it. And the only way God's going to change it is if I surrender it. And the only way I'm going to surrender it is if I become aware of it. And the only way I'm going to become aware of it is through doing this work. I can't change myself. If I want my life to change, I have to change. But I can't change me. I can be changed. So then what do I do? Well, I have to place myself in a position to be changed. That's my job. It's to place myself in a position to be changed and try to keep myself in a position to be changed. How do I do that? It's try my best to stay spiritually fit because the more you can do that, the more you can live. I 창. spiritually fit I am, the more I'm living in a place of surrender. And it's only from a place of surrender that I can be changed. When I'm not in a place of surrender, I'm holding on to who I think I am way too tightly to ever change. That's the trick to this thing, and that's why we do what we do. So what is my job? My job is to write the inventory, to read it to somebody, to take this stuff to God and truly surrender it the best that I can. You know what the biggest act of humility, the biggest act of surrender is, is to go clean up the wreckage of the past for the things that a week ago I didn't even think were my fault. Even if you hurt me more than I hurt you, go clean up where I caused harm. Because I see it differently today. I understand today that I'm not blocked because of what you did to me. I'm blocked because of what I did to you. Why wouldn't I want to get free of that? My job is to practice steps 10 and 11 to the best of my ability. To get free of this stuff that's blocking me. My job is to get out of my own way and go be of service. You know, I've heard it said, I heard it said on the phone not long ago, someone talking to me that was trying to pull me into a little big, I'm a self-professed big book thumper, you know, I had someone trying to pull me into a little big book 12 and 12 debate, and this time I didn't do it. Give me a hand for that. I feel really, yay, I didn't do it. I didn't do it. And this person said to me, you know, you can't, you got to get out the 12 and 12, to do steps six and seven, because there's nothing in it on the big book. Hey, what's in the 12 and 12 on six and seven is great. It's good stuff. But I don't believe that you have to have much on six and seven, because there's not a lot for me to do. I got plenty to do, but it's not in these steps. I don't remove my own character defects. I've got a sponsee that calls it real time six and seven. You know what, when I do a piece of inventory, and I go read it to my sponsor, and then I go into six and seven, I've got a list of old ideas and character defects that I bring into that. And now I'm bringing those into my practice of 10 and 11. I know what to watch for. I know today, current, currently, what it is that I need to be watching for. What tends to, you know why? Because I did the inventory. I know what to watch for today. I know what to look for when I'm doing my review at night. I know what to pray for when I'm doing on awakening. I know, I know because I'm aware, because I'm paying attention to that stuff. I act like I know. So it's truth is there's plenty going on. I don't see. There's plenty of room left for growth, but there's also plenty that I know to look for because I'm trying my best to stay awake and do this work. And it's just a result of doing this. I'm not a wise man. I promise you that. So we come to God in step seven. And I love this idea. We come to God with a deep admission of who we really are. But, but, but Nicolette and Shannon and some people have me kind of trying to word this stuff a little bit differently. I come to God with a deep admission of who I am. I'm not a wise man, but I shall be extent more of a wise man, a wise man. I will. Please God, please let me be your truth. Truly you are better than anybody I know. You are better than anybody I've ever met. You're better than anybody I've ever met. That books of the Bible of the rest of my life is the audiopchy that God made me celeste, seen what's doing, get an call from a medagyeon полотна premiering through a try to come around you getätn? First of all of course is this quote by Cheyenne Thales, that I will. When will I ever, ever be able to do that? I've been told that it's not going to work. I promised. It's not always, this is never going to happen, and you know that and that doesn't work for me. But the good news is God loves me unconditionally because God knows who I really am. You guys realize that on a spiritual level, I'm perfect? And check this out. This is going to blow your mind. So are you. From a spiritual perspective, we're perfect. We're perfect. With a really frail, fragile, temporary body, personality, thought life, belief system, emotional state, spiritually perfect though. Isn't that cool? Yeah, and God sees that. God loves me unconditionally. I remember one time I was talking to Charlie and I told him a lie. And then I'd go back and clean it up. And I was like, Charlie, I lied to you, man. He rubs me on my head. He rubbed my head. And he said, it just makes me love you more. That's how I see God's love. It just makes me love you more. So I have four questions I work with in step six and seven. The first question is, what is it that's objectionable? Should be clear on that now. What is it that's objectionable? Second question is, can I fix it on my own power? And usually a quick look at my experience will see that I can, but maybe I need to try a little while. Maybe I need to try a little while, you know, and see that I can't fix it on my own. The third question, this is a good one. Am I willing to let God change me in whatever way He sees fit? A little scary. Yeah. God's reliance lies in the unknown. Can I learn to embrace the unknown? You've got to beat me up pretty bad before I can even start to accept the unknown, much less embrace it. That's the gift that we all share in here. Because we've been beat up bad enough to embrace some things that we otherwise would never even take a look at. And then it gets interesting in this, and I'll just tell you real quickly, really, this, there's another question. We do the seven-step prayer, and then there's a question, how can I align myself with the process? What is it that I need? I'll give you just a real simple example from a, I sponsored a guy, and he was, read fear inventory, his girlfriend's cheating on him. So he reads this inventory, and then we get to this, he didn't have any evidence, you know. There's no real evidence there. He's just really scared of it. And then we get to, he does a seven-step prayer, and he's like, okay, when I ask this, this last question, how can I align myself with the process? And he said, here's what I came up with. He said, I think I need to stop creating fake social media accounts and following her so I can see what guys like her post. He's like, yeah, it's going to be hard to get free of the fear while you're doing that. I have some experience with that myself. I don't have, I turn it on, I don't have time to tell you all that. Maybe I will later. So how do we grow in here? And I want to read this from what I was talking about earlier about the relationships thing. I just found this line in the chapter of wives, and I like it so much. It says, the faith and sincerity of both you and your husband will be put to the test. This is on page 117 if there's any other big book nerds in here that want to know where this is. The faith and sincerity of both you and your husband will be put to the test. It's a test. These workouts, tests and workouts, it's just true love. No, it's a test and a workout. Should be regarded as part of your education. For thus, you will be learning to live. You will make mistakes, but if you are earnest, they will not drag you down. Instead, you will capitalize them. Built like that means turn it into money to capitalize. It means turn it into something worthwhile. A better way of life will emerge when they are overcome. That's a relationship as a vehicle for growth, but there's another place this is talked about in the big book, and I really like this. It says, avoid them, this is, on 133, avoid them, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, it will. Cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate his omnipotence. Such a high path of spiritual growth is to use life as a vehicle to get free and grow. Life's coming, as we all know. You know, I saw the hands go up in the sobriety countdown. There's a lot of years in here. Life comes at us. Life gives us opportunities and opportunities. We made a deal in the third step, and the deal was, God, I'll stay close to you and I'll do your work if you'll give me everything I need. I thought that meant, like, a place to live, a fulfilling relationship, plenty of, not rich by any means, just plenty of money, you know, good friends, all those things that we need, right? No, no, no, I didn't know there's another part of that. You know what I need? I need opportunities in my life to be able to live to bring up the darkness within me so that as it, when it's down here, there's nothing I can do about it. When it comes to the surface, now I've got a choice. One thing that I can do is I can fix it. I can change it. I can put my hands on it. I can arrange life out here to fix my internal condition. I got another option, though. Proper use of the will. I can use the will to take this thing that's coming at me and do whatever I have to do to get undisturbed and let it go and make the amends if I've caused any harm. To get undisturbed and let it go to get free. That's the proper use of the will. That's what I get to do. And that's how we use life as a vehicle for growth. The challenges are coming. The challenges are coming and when it hits, I can either fix it or I can write the inventory. And that doesn't mean that I don't do anything about what's going on out here. Spirituality doesn't look like I just sit back and let everything happen. I have to do things. I have to participate in this life. I'm still a human. I'm not levitating by any means. Not even close. But it means that I can do my best to get free in here before I act out here. And if I do that, if I do my best to get free in here, not only does this situation go a lot better, but it allows me to get free of the stuff in here that caused me to be disturbed in the first place. And that's growth. Because have you noticed when you write the inventory, it's never really about what you're writing the inventory about. It's about that stuff way in the past that caused the disturbance in this moment. And that's what I'm trying to get free of. So life presents challenges. Life presents opportunities for me to grow. But I don't call them challenges or opportunities. You know what I call them? Problems. I call them problems. It's not a problem. It's an opportunity. Okay, so the last thing I want to say in my remaining 35 minutes. It's messy. Growth is messy. It's really messy. It's embarrassing. We grow up right here in AA, but we all do it. We do it together. And that's the beauty of this thing. I'm a big step worker. I'm a big believer in carrying the message. But sometimes I don't give enough credit to the fellowship. You know, we come in here and we do this together. There's no way that I could face all that I face in this process without your arms around me. And thank you for that. Thank you for doing that for me. Thank you for doing that for each other. And thank you for allowing me to do that for you. Because that's what we do with each other. We hold each other while we grow. And we accept each other and love each other through the process. And then behind the scenes we judge each other really harshly. So wrap it up on page 76. There's a prayer here. The seventh step prayer. And I look at this as a commitment. Same as the third step prayer. And I remember I went to this lady for some therapy. She was in AA. She's 40 years sober in AA. And she's also a therapist. And I went to see her. And it was the summertime. I was off work. And I went and saw her like three times. And she said, okay, I've learned all about your history. We can do some good work here. I need you to commit to see me once a week for six months. I was like, well, that's great. But I work up north. You live down south. You know, and I don't think I'm going back to work. And I'm a teacher. I'm going back to work in the fall. And I don't think I'll be able to get down. And she goes, well, no. All I'm asking you right now is just to make a commitment. And I said, well, I mean, you don't understand. You know, it's like I'd have to take off one afternoon every week to come see you because you don't. And she goes, stop. I'm not asking you to figure it out. I'm asking you to make a commitment. I'm like, okay. Okay. And that's what we're doing right here. We're making a commitment to let go of self. I don't know how to do it. I can't imagine that it's going to work. But what happens, what she told me, what happens, and this was my experience, happens over and over. When I truly surrender and make a commitment, God opens a door. It happens over and over. And that's what we're doing in this process when we say this third step prayer, this seventh step prayer. We're making a commitment to do something we don't know how to do and we can't do. We can't do this. But if I make the commitment and then do the rest of this, follow the rest of these instructions, the miracles happen. That's what spiritual awakening looks like. So the prayer here says, my creator, you can say it with me if you want. I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defective character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. Thank you.