Why Alcoholics Anonymous Is a Help Others Program – Dick M.

Thank you, Paul. My name is Dick Martin and I'm an alcoholic, everybody. But for the grace of God and a miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous, I've been sober since September the 15th, 1965. And I say that for one very simple reason. Those of you you who can't count, I'll have 20 years sobriety in September, September the 15th this year. And so you can start saving up and buy me gifts. I am really very pleased to be sober as long as I've been sober. I am also very pleased that I'm here today. I am actually also very happy to be here this afternoon with you all because there are many people in this room who have been sober much longer than I have. have, and have set the example for me to follow. There are also many people in this room who have not been sober as long as I have, and they have set an example for me not to follow, and I'm pleased to know them both, and I'm pleased to be a part of both of their lives, and And I'm pleased especially to be alive during this period of time. And I say when I'm please to be a live during this periode of time I'm 53 years old and Alcoholics Anonymous just recently the 10th of this month, 12 days ago, 13 days ago celebrated its 50th anniversary. My father died as a result of a drunken fall down the basement steps. He had been nominated for a federal judgeship. He was a functioning alcoholic who would have nothing to do with Alcoholics Anonymous. To my knowledge, he didn't know about it. He didn't no AA existed. I knew AA existed at that time. Not for me, not out out of any interest, but I had read the Saturday Evening Post article in 1941 when it came out in the first week of March because I was selling the Saturday evening post door-to-door. And as a good salesman, which is what I ended up doing making a living later, I read the articles in the magazine and I knew that Alcoholics Anonymous existed. existed. And as I knew AA existed, however, my idea of what AA was became distorted over the years. And I'll explain that to you a little bit later on, but regardless, I knew that AA did exist. I never thought about AA for my father. No one else did that I know of. I had never heard alcoholics anonymous mentioned in the household. I can't remember ever hearing the word alcoholic mentioned until I came around with the disease, but I lived that sort of life. The earliest memory I have is of my father coming home drunk one night and raising all all kinds of cane, but it wasn't as much cane as my mother was raising with him. And I can remember that, and I must have been about four years old, and that's the earliest memory I really have. And so I grew up as an abused child, for those of you who want to play that game. My mother used to beat me with a belt, sometimes with a buckle end, and And I want to tell you right now, I don't consider myself being abused at all. Frankly, I deserved it because my actions called for that sort of thing. And that was the style of taking care of and punishing during those days. And frankly, I think if I hadn't had the punishment that I had, that I would have probably been dead by now because they managed to discipline me somewhat so that I acted better. I, frankly, don't blame any scars that I may or may not have on what my parents did or did not do. I can't blame my past on what they did to me because, to the best of my knowledge, they loved me and they cared for me and provided for me in the best manner that they could. And that's the way I look at it. Whether they were good parents or bad parents, you know, I don't even know whether I'm a good parent or a bad parent. I know occasionally I've been a good parent, and occasionally I have been not so good, and occasionally have been a bad parent. But I don't... I can't judge that. I really can't just whether I'm a good or not. So it's really extremely difficult for me to look at them and say that they didn't do the best that they could for me. I am sure that they did the best they could. They were loving parents, to the best of my knowledge. college. They cared for me the best they could, and that's all I care about. They both happen to be dead now. They don't happen to be, they died. It just didn't happen yesterday. I have two brothers, neither of which are alcoholic. I have a sister who is not alcoholic. alcoholic. However, all four of us ended up with various forms of neuroses, and mine sprang out in alcoholism, and that's all there was to it. I was one of these kids in the family I was always doing something. My sister seemed to be perfect except when she was making lunch for us, sandwiches, which it seems to me that I spent all of my school years going to school carrying a bag that had either a peanut butter sandwich or a bologna sandwich on it. And I know that I got awfully tired of eating peanut butter and bolognese, but I can remember saying something to my sister about it as she was making sandwiches and her giving me the elbow in the nose because I was a little kid. And I didn't do that anymore. I just got tired of eaten, more tired of eatin' bologne and peanut butter. You learn your lesson. You keep your mouth shut. Now, as I grew up, I saw the examples of alcoholism in my family because my father would get drunk. We were living in Washington, D.C., and I would get on the streetcar and go down to Georgetown and look in the bars and find him and put him on the Streetcar and take him off so he could puke and put back on again and take home, and I can remember going out and finding him in a snowdrift one night, passed out, bringing him home. So he was actually, when he was drinking that way, to me he was a nuisance and he interfered with my life. But nevertheless, he was my father and I respected him regardless. Not because he was an harsh disciplinarian, because he really wasn't, but because he acted in a loving fashion towards me. He seemed to be one of those people who I have had in my life who seemed to care for me and who seemed at times to time to be proud of me. And I liked him, frankly, and I respect his memory today. I have really nothing ill to say about the man at all. Unfortunately, as I said, he was a blooming alcoholic, and that's a judgment that I make, and it's a, I think it's a pretty good judgment, to tell you the truth. From the age of four until 1935 to 1955, he was drunk off and on all the time. And so I believe that he had a problem with alcohol. I objected to his drinking alcohol and said so. His wife objected to it, his other children objected to it and as an end result if they objected to it then very simply there was one thing. Somebody thought he had a problem and if somebody had thought he had a problem with alcohol as I understand the definition because the alcoholic himself and I know that I never saw it in me, the alcoholic is the last person to know and he was the last person to know. He never knew, he never found out that he was an alcoholic. He never found that there was a way of life for him that has been here all along. And why he didn't find out I don't know, but he didn t find that out. And I say I consider myself particularly fortunate because after beginning to drink when I was a a teenager and going on through college and having a three-year, ten-month, and eleven-day military career and getting honorably discharged from that, drinking my way through some of the better taverns in Washington, D.C., and having been arrested many times for public intoxication. And as long as this—by the way, this conference I was asking Paul last night is, is this a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous or Urinators Anonymous from some of the discussion that was going on. The last time I was arrested, I had been drinking beer that day, which was not my custom, but I was cutting back, and so I was drinking beer. Martinis were my style because you could drink three, four ounces of booze during the same time that somebody else was drinking an ounce and a half, and it looked polite. So that's why I drank martinis. I didn't particularly care for the taste of them, although I said I did at the time. But I was drinking beer this day. It was one of those maintenance days, I think. And as Peggy described last night, when you drink beer, you have to put it somewhere. Something has to happen to it. And I had had accidents in my car, or at least someone had accidents in my car, because there seemed to be some stains on the front seat where the driver sat. And I didn't think it was me, of course, but someone obviously had had some error in judgment as to where the bathroom was. And I did not want to do that this particular evening, and I was going from bar to bar, and I went from one bad bar to another bad bar, to tell you the truth. And I pulled over and I stopped my car and I got out and ran over to a house—I knew I knew I couldn't make it to where the bar was. And I ran over, and I was standing there relieving myself, and I was tapped on the shoulder. And this policeman who looked like he was ten feet tall, and I know he wasn't, said, When you are through. And I continued to relieve myself, and when I was through, I zipped up my pants and I turned around and he said, I have to arrest you for urinating in public. This lady doesn't like her rosebush bushes urinate at all. And that was the last time I was arrested. Now, I'd been arrested 23 other times for public intoxication, once for being in possession of a vehicle while intoxicated in England and once for driving while intoxitated in Virginia. So I was not unfamiliar with going to the local precinct. I knew what they were, and I had money in my pocket to take care of it. This particular time, I had made another error in judgment, however, and I dipped into my bailout money. But I knew the sergeant that was at the precinct, and I left him my watch, and I told him I would come back and pay it tomorrow, and he said fine. He knew me, and he trusted me. I had been there before, you see. So I left there, andI said, said, well, are you going to give me a lift back to my car to the arresting officer? And he said, no, you can walk back. It'll be good for you. So I walked back and it wasn't that far, a half mile perhaps. I walked black and went into the bar and drank just like you're supposed to do. And then I drove home. I had been doing things like this for a successive number of years. My wife, whom I'd met while I was in college, and I had promised her that I would teach her how to drink if she'd teach me how to dance. She never taught me how To Dance, and I never taught her how To Drink, was becoming increasingly irritated at my actions. And she didn't like what I was doing. She didn't Like me coming home drunk at night. We had had two children, and she didn' t like the way that I was around them. up. She didn't like them being exposed to a drunk, and she had many times asked me to stop drinking, and I had many time promised to stop drinking. And you know how it is when there's a person who's drinking in the family, the spouse will usually say something like if you loved me, you wouldn't drink like this. And I would say I love you, and and I promised I'll never drink again. And I would go out, and it would not necessarily be the next day, but it would be in the next two or three days, and I'd drink again, and I would sit there, and I was a bar drinker predominantly, although I would drink anywhere, but I would pick up a glass and I thought to myself, what are you doing? You promised that you wouldn't drink again and you're doing it and you meant it, why can't you? Why can't you keep your promise? And I would sit there and be concerned about my own personal lack of integrity because I had none. There was nothing that I said that I would do that was of value that I really knew that I could do because it was impossible for me to carry out. I just couldn't bring myself around to being the type of human being which intrinsically Intrinsically I knew I was capable of being, because intrinsically inside of me I knew that I had some good in me. I knew that I could be a decent human being and I knew that I can be a descent father and I know I could be a deacent husband and neighbor and son and brother and employee. I knew it could be those things. I wanted to be but I just couldn't do it. I just would screw up every time. I could good for a while but I couldn't sustain good very long I would have to break bad again. I remember coming home one day and my wife saying to me, crying, you know, you promised me—you promised me and you broke your promise to me—that you wouldn't drink again. She said, why did you do it? Why did you love me? me. Why did you do it? I can remember standing there and saying, I don't know. She thought that was an excuse, but I really didn't know—I honestly didn't. I know when I sat on that bar stool that I thought to myself, here you go again doing doing the thing that you know is going to break up your marriage, doing the things that's going to eventually cause your employer of some ten years at that time to fire you, and you're going to be out. And nobody will hire you, and nobody will have you, and you have no place to go, and no place for you to live. You have no money. You have nothing. But I drank anyway. It didn't make any difference. because I was addicted to alcohol and I had no choice on what I was doing. I wish that I had been able to tell her, you know, I drank because I love you and I can't show it. I wish I'd been able to tell him that because I think that that's the way it was. A lot of times I drank simply because I did love her and I couldn't act like a husband and I wouldn't be able and I could not act in a loving manner towards her. I had been to see a succession of ministers, one of which told me that if I'd stop drinking he would be moved to put me in charge of a group of children on a weekend and take them on a retreat. Well obviously I didn't want to stay around that guy very long. I couldn't stand being around my own kids, much less 50 others. God. God. There was another minister I went to and he prayed over me, but that didn't take. There was also another minister who suggested that maybe I could go to AA and that he would take me to a meeting. He looked up and said, no, I can't, I'm busy. But he said, you ought to go. I also, I didn't go at that point. I went to a succession of psychiatrists. I went to three or more psychiatrids and I spent thousands of dollars in psychiatry. The last trip that I made to the psychiatrist, I had taken months before that, I'd taken a battery of examinations. I had taking the Rorschach, you know, the inkblot test. I'd take the Minneapolis multi-phase personality thing and all just a whole battery up and he had never said anything to me about what the resultant of these things were and so i asked him i said doctor i said i took all those tests i said what was the result of those and he said you seem to be preoccupied with sex And I thought to myself, well, I must be some sort of a pervert. And I was. And I hope I remember to tell you about how perverted I really was. Sometimes I forget. The next question I asked him, I said, when can I expect some relief from these life problems? problems. He sucked on his pipe, and he had false teeth that had magnets on them. I don't know if you've ever met him, but they click sometimes. He clacked at me a little bit and puffed on his pipes. He said, How old are you, Dick? I said, I'm thirty-three. He said, It took you a long time to get here, didn't it? I thought, My God! I'm going going to have to come to this sumbitch for 33 years. And I looked at him, and he was much older than I, and I thought, what's going to happen? I'm going to outlive him. What will I do then? And then I asked him a third question. I said, doctor, I said should I go to Alcoholics Anonymous? And he said no, you're not ready for that yet. And And I didn't know what to do. So I told him the simplest thing that I knew to tell him. I have paid you thousands of dollars. I am not going to pay you any more. Don't send me a bill. This is not helping me. It's only helping you. And I left. And he didn't send my a bill, he was very courteous about that. About five months later, I was out having dinner with the boss's secretary, whom I'd had an affair with since before I had met my wife, all during the time I was married to her and after we were separated. And I was separated from her at this time. And she asked me to marry her, and I thought to myself, I can't do that because she's a horrible drunk. There were many times when I would have to literally pick her up off the pavement and put her in her car behind the driver's seat so she could drive home. Now, you don't want to marry somebody like that. We both work the same place. You know, we would never make it to work. And then I thought, you know, I couldn't be a decent husband to her because I had a wife where I was married at the time really, and I haven't been able to be a decent husband to her. I thought to myself, and I'm not a good employee, and I am not a son, and not a father to those children that I love, and I haven t been able be a good husband or a good neighbor. I just looked at her and said, I can't do that. I've got to go. And I got up and I went home, and she got up and she went home. Now on that particular evening I don't want to give you the wrong impression but I want to give you an impression. That evening I was trying to impress me. I wasn't trying to impress her. But we had been to a country inn that evening and had some luxurious meal We had had two bottles of wine with the the meal. We had gone back to the restaurant where we had been previously, and I was sitting at a sidewalk cafe on Connecticut Avenue in a very fashionable area, the Chevy Chase area of Washington, D.C., and I drinking coffee and Rémy Martin Grand Fin Champagne Cognac. And that was the last drink I ever had. I didn't always drink that good, but I had had a charge card, and it was new. So I figured you've got to test it out at the best place. I went home that night and sat on the edge of my bed. Home at that time was with my mother because there wouldn't be anybody else who would have me. I had no money to rent a place. I only had enough money barely to maintain myself at work. I went there and sat on my bed. Mother had given me a bedroom, this was a large house, and the bedrooms in it generally were something like 12 by 14. but I was giving the sewing room and that room was about seven feet by ten feet and it had a bed in it and a bureau and a bedside table and that's all it had. And I think if she could have put less in there, she would have put less. I often woke up in the middle of the night and used to bump my head on the springs as I woke up wondering where I was because I'd rolled off the the bed. She would frequently come in in the morning and give me a glass of bromo-seltzer. She thought I had stomach problems. I would frequently, before she came in, fill that glass with vodka, and she would dump two caps full of broma-saltzer on it. It's not bad. I don't know. It's no good. bad at all. I've had scotch with Alka-Seltzer, too, in the morning, and that's not bad either. Or it worked. The headache went away, and I felt better. How do I know? But anyway, that morning I didn't drink, which was my habit. I got up, and I went in, and I showered, and I shaved, and I put on my clothes, and I went downstairs, and I had a cup of coffee, and I ate breakfast, which which was unusual, and I went to work. But as I said, I was sitting on my bed, and as I sat on my bed I thought to myself, you know, you have seen some of the finest physicians, you've seen some of the best men, the men of the cloth, and you've seen some of the finest psychiatrists that you could afford, and nothing has happened, and you're dying. What am I going to do? What am I going to do?" The thought came to my mind that I should go to Alcoholics Anonymous. I lay down on that bed, and I went to sleep. I did not have the leaping doze-offs, which I was accustomed to, where you lie down and you sleep for a half an hour or 45 minutes, and you wake up, and where's the action? Just wide awake because you're over-sedated from a combination of tranquilizers, which I abused but was not addicted to, and alcohol. And I say I abused them. I would take as many as 20 10-milligram capsules of Librium a day, hoping it would stop the shakes, but it didn't do it. It just made me a very dull, dumb drunk is what it really meant. And I would periodically take them because the psychiatrist suggested it and because the physician suggested it. But the prescription would run out, and I wouldn't go and get it, and so I'd go off of them. As I say, I was not addicted to them at all. I've abused them, but I wasn't addicted to him. Frankly, they didn't do anything for me. They may do something for somebody, but I never wanted to be depressed is what it really amounts to. to, and alcohol did not act as a depressant initially on me. The initial effects were to lift me up and make me feel better, and that's why I drank. It made me feel good about me, and it made me better about you. And I needed something to make me better because I didn't like you at all, because you were interfering with the only solution that I had, and the only solution that I had was to drink and everybody around me was interfering with that. I went to work that morning and as soon as the time allowed I made a phone call to that minister and I told him I was drinking more and enjoying it less and I wanted to talk to him and he said fine come on over whenever you can I'll be in the office all morning. And I went over there to see him, and he had in the interim called a member of his church who was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and made arrangements to meet with me that evening and take me to my first meeting. And so I gave this guy a call, and he said, well, I don't think I can handle you. I have called my sponsor, and they arranged to meet me on the corner of Fox Hall and Reservoir Roads in Washington, D.C., it was at the church. And so I drove over there, and I hung onto the stop sign, which was not unusual for me. I had hung onto a lot of stop signs with a policeman behind me, you know, with one hand in my pants and one in my shirt—you know, one of these dancing on your tippy toes? So I knew what that was, standing on street corners waiting for somebody to pick you up. This This guy said he would be there, and he was there when he said he would. I got in the car, and I immediately liked him because he drove like a crazy man, and he drove like I did. I was with one of the attendees here today. He drove me to the hotel and back, and I liked him immediately because he drives like he's crazy. Doesn't pay any more attention to anybody else than a fish. He knows where he wants to go. He didn't care what anybody else was. And that's the way this guy drove, and I liked it. It made me feel good because I felt at home. He started talking and he started telling me about himself. He took me to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, I didn't want to go to AA. Alcoholics anonymous was the last place in the world that I ever wanted to go because I knew what AA was. I had read the Jack Alexander article and my memory served me well. I knew that that Alcoholics Anonymous was full of derelicts and bums and ne'er-do-wells and used-to-bes and a few has-beens and a couple of little gray-haired ladies with blue tent who would lead us in hymns and prayers and, you know, pass the tambourine, put a nickel on the drum, save another drunken bum. I didn't want to have anything to do with those people at all. And I walked into this meeting and I walked down the basement steps of a community building in Silver Spring, Maryland. And I walked down those stairs, and I walked into it, and there was a room about this size. Eighty people in that room, and they were equally divided into two groups. There were 79 in one group, and hours in the other. And I felt that alien to the whole situation. And that evening, the district committeeman was making a service presentation, and he showed a film strip, somewhat like Circles of Love and Service. I was fascinated. I was really fascinated to see what AA was, because it obviously wasn't what I thought it was. It had some loose-knit organization, I saw, and it had something else. It had a bunch of people who sat there and looked at it with me. They didn't ask me to leave. I didn't get 86th out of AA like I'd been 86th of some of the worst bars in Washington, Washington, and I wanted to be there. Afterwards they took me to a hot shop. I remember eating a hot fudge sundae with marshmallow on it and drinking a Coke. They kept me up there until quarter of two, and then they drove back. They stayed there until quarter of two because the bars closed at 2 o'clock, and they knew that I couldn't get to one. and the experience that i had there that evening with those people those alcoholics those men who said that they were alcoholics and had talked about the things that they did i knew at least i was not with people who were going to say get away from me because they had done some things that i hadn't done now i had done something things that they hadn't talked about. But regardless, I felt somewhat akin to these people, not like them. I didn't feel like I was coming home for the first time. I didn't love it. I don't love the idea of going to Alcoholics Anonymous. But there was something I liked about the people there. They seemed to want me and there wasn't any other place where I knew that people wanted me. And it wasn't hostile. You know, they weren't asking me questions. They didn't care whether I had a job or didn't have a job. They didn' t care whether I was married or divorced. They didn''t care what I was. They weren't asking me question. They were telling me about themselves, and I cared for them immediately. It was suggested to me that night that I go to a meeting every day for six weeks, every night for six weeks. Don't miss a meeting. If you miss a meeting in that six-week period of time, start all over again. And this fellow told me he said at the end of that time you can make up your mind whether you're an alcoholic or not. I almost got in a fight with him because I said I am an alcoholic, I know I'm an alcoholic. He says you don't have to make up Your mind to that till six weeks. Okay well I'd already made up my my mind. Frankly, I never would have gone to Alcoholics Anonymous had I not thought that AlcoholicsAnonymous might have an answer for me. It was the last place I wanted to go, it was the only place for me to go except drinking, but I didn't want to go there. And I can understand why. And I'll tell you something right now, if I'd actually known had known what Alcoholics Anonymous was, I wouldn't have come here either. So I'm glad that I had the distortion that I have, because if I'd have known actually what Alcoholic Anonymous is, I never would have come at all, because I would have known that it wouldn't work. In my own sick mind, I would've made that judgment and I wouldn�t have come to Alcoholics Anonymous at all. But I started going to meetings, and as I gradually came to meetings I didn't necessarily have a desire to stop drinking for the first few weeks. I still had a physical compulsion to drink. I had a strong physical desire to drink, but I was not obsessed with the idea. I did not have the obsession in the mind to drink. My sponsor told me to eat something sweet and that will take that away. He said it will take about a half hour, but he said just do that, you eat something sweet and call me while it's working. And I did, and it worked. And I've been very fortunate because I've been sober ever since that time. But I continued to go to meetings, and I didn't understand what this requirement for membership was, because I heard them read the traditions and they said in the preamble, and they said the only requirement for mentorship is a desire to stop drinking. Well, I had a desire to stop hurting. I didn' t have a desire to stop drinking. I really had a desire to drink during that period of time, and something changed, and I'll tell you what it was, and I will tell you how the desire came about in me, and perhaps in you if you are like me. I went to meetings every night, and saw some of the same people over and over again. They would come up to me and say, Hi Dick, how are you doing? You still got your job? Is everything going okay? Keep coming back. Hey, good to see you, Dick, come on over here. I want you to meet George. They seemed to want me in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I liked these people. And some of them had been sober many years. My sponsor at that time had been over for twelve and a half years. And I knew he had because he said he had. And I believed him. I didn't take that on faith. I believed what he said. And I believed what these men said about themselves, and I respected them for their ability to stay sober and their ability live the lives that they were living. And if you like and know and respect people, you want to be like they are, and they had a desire to stay sober. And I wanted that, and so I got the desire to stay sober." As time went on, I started having serious conversations with my sponsor, and And I told him about this last trip to the psychiatrist. Now, I started backing into it because I'm a coward by nature. And I started banking into it and I said, you know, I went to the psychologist and he suggested to me that I wasn't ready for AA. And I said I didn't understand that. I said what did he mean? And he said he meant you still had money. and I'll tell you that was such a cynical sarcastic answer I loved it it really was and he gave me a good answer to that one so I thought I'd try backing up again and I said well I said you know I asked this psychiatrist I said you know i seem to have these life problems and when would I feel some relief from these life problem and he had he sucked on his pipe and told me 33 years and so on so forth and I told Buck about this, and he said, I said, what does AA say about this? Because everything that he had to say was AA. He was giving me that as some of my pigeons do. They'll come to me sometime and say, now Dick, I've got a problem, but don't give me any of that AA crap. But this is all he had, and that's all I have. AA was the only thing that he knew. It was the the only thing that he had to give away. And so I asked him, I said, when can I expect some relief from these lifetime problems that I have? And he said, Dick, you started drinking when you were 14. He said, you stopped drinking when you were 33. That was 19 years. He said, and he said so let's take that as 19 months. And he said you took some pills and he says let's add a year on top of that for the the pills, and he said after about 31 months you will begin to grow. Now 31 months if you're here today and you're waiting for a month to go by of sobriety and activity in Alcoholics Anonymous until you reach a month for every year that you drank plus a couple of years for your pills or little cigarettes with no names on them before you start thinking as clearly as you're ever going going to think, boy, I didn't really like to hear that. But you know, that beat the hell out of 33 years. And that was the idea that I had before. And I liked that answer too. That made sense to me. That didn't mean that I was going to be cured of alcoholism, but it meant that my mind would be able to operate as well as it was goingto be ableto operate, and I could start to grow from from then. I could start to improve myself from that time. Then I asked him the last question. I said, I had taken all these examinations, Buck, and as an end result I said those inkblot tests just looked like dirty pictures to me. Now I've seen them since, and they looked like deer playing out in the orchard and stuff. You know, that isn't what they looked like to me then. He shouldn't show dirty pictures to people like me, but anyway I told Buck this. And he said, Dick, he said I know that you drank. And he says you have told me what you drank and how much you drank, and he said you know if you remove the water from alcohol it's ether. and he said, you know ether will anesthetize even the smallest parts of your body. Now I don't know how he could go about describing my anatomy like that because he had never seen me in a shower or anything. I figured that was probably as I look back on it that was probably at the beginnings of ego ego deflation at depth. But he said, you know, when you drank as much as you drank and thought about it as much you thought about it and didn't do it as you didn't do it, no wonder you were preoccupied with sex. And that makes sense to me. That really makes sense. You know, Alcoholics Anonymous provides practical practical, simple solutions, practical answers to seemingly problems that are impossible to overcome. And that's what he provided me. He provided me with simple, practical, answers to my life problems. And he provided them out of the best of his knowledge, his experience and the experience of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And he did this well. And he loved me into AlcoholicsAnonymous. I didn't like me. I didn't like you. But somehow or another, I came to love this man because I thought that he had saved my life. And actually, he was an agent. He was an agent of God. God used him to help me. And some of you have met this man and some of of you haven't, and he looks like he's a relatively short, round man with no neck. He looks like a retired Irish cop. I think God provides us with some rather unusual spiritual carriers, and he was one. He was one of those unusual people. But I became active in Alcoholics Anonymous. He said, the object in Alcoholics Anonymous is to stay sober and to help others. Stay sober and help others, he said. There doesn't make any difference what you do. He says, I don't care if you kick your mother down the steps and she dies. Don't drink. Just don't drink, it's simple. Just don' take the first drink. He says I don' care what you you do. Because as long as you don't drink, we can help you. Once you drink, you're beyond any help. You're beyond any help." And so I didn't drink a day at a time and I went to a meeting a day a time. And I liked AA. And he told me Alcoholics Anonymous is not for takers. It doesn't work for taker. He said, you have been a taker all of your life. it's now time for you to give so when you go to the meeting tomorrow night I want you to be there at quarter after 7 the meeting started at 8 and I want you to help them set up the chairs that was my second meeting and he said afterwards I want to help take down the chairs and help clean up and he says you'll do that at every meeting that you go too until I I suggest that you don't. I didn't have any other place to go, and I'll tell you, I wanted to please this man. I wanted to please him. I don't believe that I ever have pleased him, but I know that I have helped other people, and I know that the only way that I could please him is by helping others because he doesn't need anything that I have today, nor did he need anything that I had when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. We talk about newcomers coming to AA. It's kind of amazing. I have never yet met a newcomer in Alcoholics anonymous who had anything that I wanted. They don't have anything that i want. I never have and I don't ever ever expect to. And I attend a lot of meetings. I average four meetings a week still. There's never one that comes in and has anything I want. Never. And, I didn't have anything that he wanted. And he told me that. He said, you know how to drink as a failure, and so do we. But, we know how do something that you don't know how to do and that's to stay sober comfortably we're going to show you how to do that this is what we're gonna give you and he started giving me the actions to take he let me know really right from the very beginning that Alcoholics Anonymous contrary to popular belief today is not a self-help program Alcoholics Anonymous is a help others program and until I knew that and until Until I understood that, and until the new member understands that, they don't have much of a chance. Even when I was going and asking for help, I was helping somebody. I was reminding him of where he came from. I really didn't need a lot. you know if it was anything like the way it's been for me the time that i spent with him was of more help to him than it was to me because the guys that i sponsor have been more help to me than i have ever been to them and i know this singularly or collectively actively, and I don't say that modestly. I say it because they make me maintain a spiritual program. I sponsor a lot of guys—I always have ever since I've been in AA. Some people say, well, I don�t know how you sponsor as many as you do. Well, I never asked to sponsor them, they just came and asked for help. And I don't think that I have the right to say, no, I can't help you. I think I have to say I can help you, yes, I'll be glad to help you and I do. And the thing I like about it is when they're calling me or when they come over to the house and see me and they're telling me about their petty little problems, I'm not thinking about my petty little problem. problems, and so I don't think of myself anywhere near as much as I used to think of me. I am not as important to me as I once was. I have never been able to thoroughly understand the concept of self-like, although I understand self-hatred, nor have I been able understand the idea of loving oneself. self. I do know this, I do know that I came to like the people in Alcoholics Anonymous and I came and eventually loved the people in alcoholics anonymous and they love me back. And that's all I know. I don't know whether I'm a loving man. I don' t know whether I am a nice man. I dont know whether i like me or I love me or not. And frankly it really doesn't make any difference. The The difference is that I like and love you. I don't want to give you the wrong impression, because I don�t like everybody in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's my opinion if you like everybody at AA, you're not going to enough meetings. Many years passed, and I've stayed sober, and been active in Alcoholic Anonymous, and I've been an active sponsor of AA. I was fortunate before I was married a year—I have a correction—before I was sober a year. You know, you can't become emotionally involved for a year I met some gal and fell lustfully for her. And we were married about a month before I Was sober for a Year. I had to call and ask my sponsor if it was okay to marry her because I'd made an agreement that I wouldn't make any major decisions in my life without discussing them with him first. And he was in Texas on vacation, and I called him there, and he said as Peggy says, yes it's okay because she's been sober longer than you. you. And so we got married, and Peggy has contributed a hell of a lot to my own life, my own comfort, and to my sobriety. Now I'm not suggesting to you that Al-Anons are bad people, but if that Max from Guernsey is any example of what Al-Ans are, Al- Anons are okay, I just don't want to be married to one. I'd much rather be married to an alcoholic, a sober alcoholic. I looked around AA and I saw a lot of them that were just dingbats, and I didn't want to have anything to do with them. And they just looked like they'd been rode hard and put away wet, frankly. And I think most of them had. Peggy, on the contrary, tray looked like she needed a keeper. I asked her to marry me, and we discussed marriage. This was in August, and I said, How about getting married in December? She ended up saying, What are you doing next Friday? I couldn't hardly back out of it. We'll be married for nineteen years this August. It's had some periods of time in it, which have not been the best for either one of us. But because of the traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous and living the principles in Alcoholics Anonymous, and because of people that I sponsor and the people that she sponsors, we have been able to maintain a marriage that is beyond anything that I ever imagined it could be. And she is, to me, a loving wife, and I love her. and it's been good, it's been a good life. I was sober for 18 years and I was living in Bellevue, Nebraska my first sponsor was living on the east coast and I really was not using him as a sponsor anymore and there was a man who I had become friendly with over the years I had known for about 10 years and whom I had admired and respected and who had respected me in return turn. And I really didn't want to ask him to sponsor me, although I knew that he would be a good sponsor for me because he thought and acted in AA the way that I knew AA should be. And I respected that a lot. And i'd had many conversations with him. He had stayed in my home and I'd spent a lot of time with him, but I didn't wanna ask him the sponsor me. And the reason why I didn't want to ask him to sponsor me was not that I was afraid of him, but because I thought what other people would think of me if I did. I finally came to a determination that as far as my sponsor is concerned, I don't care what anybody else thinks of me. It's my sponsor, not their sponsor." And I was in California and I was speaking out in Sacramento and I flew down to Los Angeles and I went to the doors of the Midnight Mission and I had a conversation with a man who is known as Clancy I. And I asked him to sponsor me. I told him what my circumstances were and I asked him to sponsor me and he said under one condition that you understand I am no longer your friend and I said the hell you're not and he said you do understand don't you? And I said yes. I've had at least a weekly contact with that man ever since and he has given me some of the best moments of my life in the past year and a half and it's really been a joy boy, and he has instilled in me the idea that the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and the importance of staying sober and the importance being a member and acting like a member of AlcoholicsAnonymous are the simple most important things that I can do. And I try to live up to that. I know I can never please him, but I don't care. All I want to do is to stay sober and to help others, and I think that that's what he wants me to do, and so I'm going to continue to try. I have today what I would call a childlike attitude towards God. He is the higher power, and And I know if I take the actions that are provided to me by my sponsor and by the people and by The Principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, I can stay sober for the rest of my life. I have been given a program to do so one day at a time, and I know I can do that. And I can live that as long as I feel about AA and sobriety in the future as I do today. day, and I'm going to continue to be active in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm gonna continue sponsoring the people that I sponsor because what's going to happen is they're gonna make me stay active in alcoholics anonymous so that I don't go somewhere else. I said that I came to the conclusion that I was some sort of a pervert, and I did come to that conclusion. And I believe that I was because I believe for me, not for all people because some people choose this as a way of life, but celibacy for me is the utmost perversion. And that's the position that I had placed myself in by my drinking. drinking, and so I was a pervert in reality. As I stand here tonight, I know out there in the world still drinking, or in a hospital bed or in jail or in the nuthouse or lying in a gutter or out in the field or wherever. I know that there are many people who are alcoholics who will never get to Alcoholics Anonymous or who, if they do ever get to Alcoholics Anonymous, will not accept it because Alcoholics Anonymous is for people who want it, not for people who need it. But I know among those who won't accept Alcoholics Anonymous—I know among them there must be many people who are intrinsically better people than I am, who are better human beings and have a lot more to offer AA and a lot more to offer the world than I have to offer. And some reason or another they're not here, and I am. So I believe that I have a responsibility to keep acting like a member of Alcoholics Anonymous one day at a time as long as I live. That's a responsibility that's given to me by simply being sober and being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have a friend that says that you can go to as many meetings as you want to and stay sober, but it doesn't mean that you're a member AlcoholicsAnonymous because you sit in meetings and say the words. He said you can't become an automobile by sitting in a garage either. I believe that membership is a matter of understanding understanding, and I believe that I understand what it's about. What it's all about is to stay sober and to help others. Dr. Bob said that himself in his last talk, and I believe it to be true. When it's boiled down, it's love and service. I have learned to love God as I understand him, and And I pray to him in my way each day, and I have learned to love you. I've learned, I believe, to be a better man than I was. I don't think that I'm as good as I can be, but I'm a hell of a lot better than I used to be, and probably not as good I will be, as long as I stay with you. you. I will not abdicate my membership in Alcoholics Anonymous by stopping doing the things that AA members do, by stopping the things that I did when I first came to AA. I think there is a good possibility that tonight or this afternoon as it is that I am standing standing here, and I'm in the living presence of God. I believe that I am in the living presence of God." If you have any doubt of that at all, look around you, because there you are.