Why Action Counts More Than Motives – Karen G.

Hi everybody, I'm Karen Garrison and I'm an alcoholic. And it's truly through the grace of God and the power of Alkalex Anonymous that I've been sober since May 30th, 1982. And that does not make me a miracle. Alcoholics Anonymous is a miracle, and if you're new here tonight, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I always call it God's Magnificent AA, the program that saved my life, and it's going to save yours too, if you want to take a few quick actions. And I suggest strongly that you get a sponsor, that you should get that book, Alcoholics Anonymous., and you get busy, and do what everybody else is doing around here. You're going to stay sober, so I've stayed sober for 26 years, and people like me cannot stay sober. I can guarantee you. My home group is the Pacific Group in West LA A group I'm very, very proud to be a member of Just as I'm sure you're proud to being a member And I guess if you're not proud You ought to get a job and you might change your mind I certainly have a job in mind I'm proud to have that job Oh by the way, you guys I am not really a senior citizen I'm really only 33 years old Let me tell you what happened What happened was I was secretary of the biggest A group in the world last year And it aged me 39 and a half years So that's what happened Anyway, you know, I want to thank the committee for inviting me and Mel and Joy and all the people. I love to come to Kansas, you guys. I just really get a kick out of being here and stuff. And all the women I sponsor here tonight that live in the Midwest and the people they sponsor and the People They Sponsor, we've got a great big AA family here tonight. So that's always a joy to my heart too and stuff like that. You know, I've been taught to do an awful lot of things before I open my big mouth. And one thing is talk to my sponsor and, like always, get up there and share your experience, your strength, and your hope and tell those people what it was like, what happened, what it's like now. Ignore the old-timers. They got it. They don't need your inspiration, my dear. And talk directly to those new people, the life and blood of AA. I believe as I stand here and I welcome you and I hope that you stay in. Then I think I did, without a doubt, the most important thing I can ever do, and that's to say, God, please help me say what you want me to say to these people. God is very much a part of my life now, you guys. He not used to be there for me, I can guarantee you. I come from an alcoholic hell. I could not even describe it. It was so bad. You know, my life is real good today, and sometimes I forget how bad it was, And I can tell you the day I got sober, I weighed 95 pounds. I was the color of squash. Had an alcoholic hepatitis. I had a liver cirrhosis. I had ruptured esophageal varices. And if you don't know what that stuff is, you don' want to. You die from that kind of stuff. And I was standing on Skid Row in Lincoln, Nebraska, sucking on a bottle of Mad Dog. And if your guys haven't drank Mad Dog, I need to tell you it's not one of your finer wines, I can assure you. I'll guarantee you one thing, that crap has never seen a grape, make no mistake about that. I literally could not believe what's going on in my life. I'd lost my children, I'd lost my husband twice, although I really care about that, I want you to know. I'd lost my car, I've lost my house, I destroyed every relationship I'd ever had with anybody and I was clearly dying from alcoholism. Then I lost the one thing that brought me my knees into disease, I lost my nursing license. And you guys, I love my profession. Absolutely devastated me but not stopped me from drinking and there's a reason for that and it's in the big book about Clexonymous because I have an obsession that somehow, someday, I'll learn to control and enjoy my drinking. Their persistent elusion is astonishing, just like our book talks about in his pursuit of the gates of insanity and death. And I'll guarantee you one thing. I was in the gates appearance. I got sober almost into my coffin. And I am so grateful to Alclay Thomas as I stand here tonight. I cannot begin to tell you. And you're going to see and see why and stuff. But if anybody in this room is wondering why I have a man for a sponsor and why I planned to be for a sponsored, it's really quite simple. I did not get sober in California. I got over to a place called Lincoln, Nebraska and was not doing one out like some of us in Nebraska. I went through 19 sponsors at a rapid clip, and I'm certainly not proud as I stand here tonight. And thank God for the old-timers in Acre because somebody loved me enough to get my current sponsor. I tell you, my life has done nothing but totally completely transform all of that. I actually adore the ground that man walks on. I'm not saying that because he's here. Everybody that knows me knows that's very, very true and stuff. You know, I was thinking today, I don't think about this anymore because it upset me so much at the time, But a long time ago, Clancy was speaking in Kansas City, and I came from Nebraska to see him. I used to travel hundreds of miles to see my sponsor. And anyway, I had this outlandish outfit on. It was a purple dress, and you could see me coming four miles away. I had a purple hose on, purple eye shadow. Everything was purple. Then I had these white hat with this purple ribbon. And I thought I looked good, you guys. I wasn't trying to dress bad. I thought that I looked nice. you know anyway my sponsor took one look at me and he said you know I need to sit down and talk and I honestly god thought we're going to talk about how good I'm doing I really mean that and uh so we sat and had coffee after the meeting whenever your sponsor says this to you start running let me tell you my sponsor said now this is going to hurt me worse than it's ever going to hurt you I should have taken off at that point but I'm glad I didn't but anyway he said when are you going to quit dressing and acting like a retired hooker now I don't mind being called A hooker, but a retired one? You know. And you know what? He was absolutely correct. That's just exactly the way I looked and stuff. Anyway, I'm delighted to be here tonight. I'm also delighted to have a glass plume. You can see your speaker. I had this terrible experience on the East Coast. I was out there giving a talk, and my talk, my skirt fell off in front of 3,000 people. They had this glass plumb. You could actually see the speaker, and that makes me nervous anyway. And I had these black suits and this wraparound skirt, and the button came, and I thought, my God, my shirt's going to fall on the floor. And it was too late. It was on the store. But, you guys, you know what? Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me to wear underwear, and thank God I had some on. It's also taught me to take action. I just picked up that skirt and kept right on talking. What else are you going to do? You know, I grew up in Lincoln, Nebraska. I come from a wonderful home there in Nebraska. I want you to know that, and my mother wants you to know it too, I'll guarantee you that. You know the reason I had to change my sobriety date, one of these people had to go out and smoke dope when I got sober, and May 30th is not always my sobriety date. And I got Clancy for a sponsor, and he said, smoking dope, huh? No, we don't do that in Alcoholics Anonymous. Change your date. And I said, where does the book mention pot? He said, the book does mention pot. AndI said, Clancy, I have read that book. Now, I talk about marijuana in that book, he said. If I find the word pot in that booklet, you change it so I never argue with me again. And, I knew I was making a bad deal, you guys, but I did anyway. And I'll be damned if he didn't flip open the big book about AlcoholicsAnonymous. On the first page of Bill Wilson's story, it says, died by musket or by pot I said that is not what that means he said quite frankly my dear I don't care what it means you said the book did mention pot it does mention pot change your sobriety date or get yourself a different sponsor one of the other it also mentions people who are conscious and capable and honest themselves are you one of those people no then shut up and do what I tell you to do but anyway you know like I said I come from a wonderful home there in Nebraska and I have to tell you guys a funny story my mom died 14 years ago not that that's funny but I mean she died 14 years ago, and I miss her so much I can't begin to tell you. I was back in Nebraska a couple summers ago to visit my kids and my grandkids and stuff, and I told my eldest son, I'm going to go to Grandma's grave and put some flowers down. Where's your other grandmother buried? I was not there for my ex-mother-in-law's funeral. He said, well, Mom just marked off 15 rows from Grandma's graveyard. There's Grandma Lynn's grave. I said, okay, a little bit tiny graveyard. It was overcast in Nebraska. It had been raining all day. I told him I'd speak at the Ilana Club at 530. It was already 10 after 5. I really need to move right along here. So I put the flowers down on my mom's grave, I marked off 15 rows. There was my ex-mother-in-law's grave. I put the flowers down and I backed up and I found myself in an eight foot grave, you guys. I could not get out of that damn thing. Let me tell you something, folks. When you're in it, you're not getting out. And I thought, how did this happen to me? Well, apparently the Grave Jiggers of Nebraska opened the grave the day before and they put a tarp up and a caution finder thing to hold the casket. It's basically impossible to fall in a grave. And they thought, well, nobody's out here. Let's go to dinner and we'll come back and do it later. Nobody's going to come out here, it's been raining. And here I I'm sorry and I thought how am I I don't wish to explain to my sponsor how I missed the 530 club meeting while I was standing in an 8 foot grave anyway what do you do you start screaming help is what you're doing about 10 minutes later this old lady walked over the grave she's old but I'm not right and she says to me I don'T think you're supposed to be in there and I thought stupid woman I didn't say that though I said have you got a phone number any chance she says no I don' t and I said go up to the office and tell them to bring a ladder call the fire department I think I need you to get me out of this grave. And I said, but tell them not to run the sirens. Nobody's heard anything. And here they come, you guys. It's the Nebraska fire trucks with their sirens going. The Nebraska police cars with their syrens going. And reporters of all damn things. And I say, don't you dare put my name in the paper. And they said, we have to put the fire call. We'll put your name in it. And I'm in the middle of the paper, and I said... You better see that you don't. There it was Monday morning. California woman falls an eight-foot grave carrying... I can't believe they did that. But I'll have all you old-timers know. I made it to my meeting at 5.29 p.m. I was there, and the people said to me, Chairman, why do you have a motor in your desk? I said, You don't even want to know, but anyway. You never know what's going to happen now, Klaxon. But, you know, I come from an alcoholic home, and I don't think that's neither here nor there. I don' t do well with people who stand at A.A. podiums and blame anybody for anything. My father died from this disease on the streets of Chicago in 1979, and you tell me how a major in the Air Force dies on skid row. I don''t know how that happened, and the fact that he was an alcoholic. Whether he found A. or not, I do not know. I just know that he certainly does not see so much as a load of those. So one more time tonight, this is a cunning, baffling, powerful disease that kills people. This is not a game I'm playing up here. This is serious business. And I would give any word if my father were alive tonight because we would have a lot to talk about, I can tell you. I have a sister who was Miss Rah-Rah in high school and homecoming queen and shooting all that kind of stuff and made straight A's and never cracked a book. And I made straight F's and ever cracked a look, and that was the difference. My sister was a beautiful little girl. She's a gorgeous woman today. She looks nothing like I do, I've got to tell you, and she was a model for many, many years for Neiman Marcus in Dallas, and now she's retired and teaches school in the West Indies. And I've got to tell you guys, as a direct result of this program, I love my sister very much tonight. I found out something about her. She's also very beautiful on the inside too, and I reached to know that. I have a brother who was a fighter pilot in the Navy for many years. My brother retired about nine years ago, and during 9-11 Iraq and so forth, he's been called back into service. And, you know, my brother is really old to be a fighter fighter. You guys, he's 55 years old. We were growing up, I thought he was such a dork, I can't begin to tell you. Straight as an arrow mic, doesn't drink, doesn't use drugs, doesn'T screw around. He was an embarrassment if you don't know the truth, but tonight I'm so proud of that man, I cannot begin to tell you. You wouldn't catch me over Iraq in any fighter plane, but neither one of these people are alcoholic. And I have another sister who's married the public defender in Lincoln, Nebraska who got me out of a whole bunch of trouble when I got sober and I'm welcome in their home state not where we used to be. I come from basically a very boring family, for the truth. They're high school people and they bore me to tears. I love them, but they bore my to tears and And I have a couple of kids who are 47 and 48 years old, and I know I certainly don't look old enough to have kids that age, but by God, I sure do. And this is where it really starts getting interesting for me. These kids were anything but boring, let me tell you. As a matter of fact, there were a couple jerks, to be honest with you. Those couple of jerks had given me five of the most gorgeous grandbabies you've ever seen before in your life, and those grandbabys have never seen their grandmother drink, and I hope to God they never do. So things in my family are very big tonight. It's only a direct result of alcoholics anonymous, I can assure you, and it took a long time for it to happen. And in my case, that's a good thing. But, you know, I was a disruptive jerk when I was growing up, always in trouble, get out of classrooms. I hated discipline. I was very, very rebellious. I really hate people telling me what to do. And I like it even less today, if you know the truth. And, you Know, I never felt like I belonged anywhere. And I heard that a lot from AA podiums. And I'm right on with that 125%, I've got to tell you. You know,I really don't remember my first drink, you guys. But I can tell you that I hope to God I never forget my last one. And I hope it was my last ones. Remember what alcohol did for me from the very beginning? It made me feel like I belonged. I could be anything I wanted to be. I could do anything I want to do. I drank at any given opportunity after that, and I was probably about 13 years old. You know, I realized that I'm going to meet with Alcoholics Anonymous tonight, and I honored this podium by talking about alcoholism. I used a lot of drugs too, made that a small part of my story. In the big book about AlcoholicsAnonymous and Bill Wilson's story he talks about and the powerful influence of alcohol and sedation, he wound up on the rocks. That is precisely what happened to me, folks. But, you know,I'm one of these alcoholic females, And I hate to say this from a podium, but it's precisely the way that it was for me. And we're supposed to tell the truth up here. If you pat me on the head, my pants fall if that happens to me. And I got myself into a lot of trouble when I was growing up. I absolutely love men. I love everything about them. You name about them and I love them in the downfall of my entire existence. And they remain the same today, I'm sorry to say. And I particularly like sick men. There's a room full of them here tonight. I can just feel it, you know. One thing girls I love about Southern California. It's got so many sick men, and I'm just entertaining around the clock 24 hours a day. You know, you guys, I'm 64 years old, and I have a boyfriend, very well believe I have a boyfriend. He lives in New York. I live in L.S., where we get along so long and stuff. So things haven't changed a whole lot for me in that arena, I'll tell you. But I got pregnant when I was 16 years old. And I had to get married. And as it must be, I married an alcoholic. He was 17. I was 15. I couldn't cook. I couldn' clean. I couldn''t take care of a baby, nor did I want to take care of a babie. And before we knew, he had two babies to take care of. And I quickly found out what caused all that, and I put a halt to it, I'll guarantee you that. And that caused me a lot of trouble throughout the years. And as it must be, I married an individual that refused to work, that drank on a daily basis, beat me up on a day-to-day basis. And I had never seen a man hit a woman before in my life, you guys. I'll give you one thing. If my dad would lay one hand on my mom, she'd have knocked him from here to the moon, I've got to tell you. And I grew to hate this guy very, very much. And I'm not blaming him for my disease, so please don't get me wrong. It's just part of my story, and you need to share it. And some in that family had to get a job, and I hadn't finished junior high yet, for God's sakes. And I found a job as a nurse's aide at the hospital there in Lincoln. And the magic was put in my life. I literally fell in love with nursing. And I made a plan to myself. I would love to go to school, and if I become a registered nurse, that's what I'd love to do. You know, they say that alcoholics don't have willpower. And I'm here to tell you now from this podium that that is a bunch of garbage. I have more willpower than 20 elephants. When I want to do well, I'm going to do it. I don't want to be ill. I don' t have one ounce of willpower when it comes to my disease. But by God, when I want to do something, I'm going to do it. I went back. I finished junior high. I finished high school. I went to college full-time for three years, and I worked full-etime for three years. And I'm talking about 18, 20 hours a day, you guys, and that is hard stuff to do. I did not drink, not use any drugs during this period of time. At the age of 27 years old, I became a registered nurse. And if you think I'm proud to stand here tonight and tell you that I got jerked in front of the State Board of Nursing in Nebraska, and they tell me you are a disgrace to your profession, you're a disgrace to nursing, you are disgraced to medicine, you are no longer working because we just jerked your nursing license. If you think I'm proud of that, you are sadly wrong. You guys, I love my profession and I really, really mean that. And I would never do anything to jeopardize the people I take care of or the people that work with in ordinary circumstances. And what I have to tell you now is a story about how I threw it right down the toilet so I could drink. And that is total insanity. It's also called alcoholism. At the age of 27 years old, I divorced this man. And girls, I got to tellyou that a whole new world opened up to me, and it's called Men and Alcohol. And I went absolutely hog wild is what I did. I was engaged eight times during that divorce. I never married these people. Two of them died from alcoholism. I know nothing about social drinking. I drank, and with alcoholics, we do indeed die from this. At the age of 27 years old, I went to work in surgery at a hospital there in Lincoln, and I had that job for 19 years. I love working in the operating room. I loved taking care of those patients. It's a colorful, exciting nursing position. I drank. I met medical people mostly. They were colorful, intense people. They worked hard and they played hard. And I need to tell you guys that the incidence of alcoholism amongst my profession is tremendously high, and that would do a lot for your student who's going to have surgery next week, but it has to be very, very true. And those people are so grateful that I'm sober that they can't see straight, and I'm talking about alcoholics is what I'm talk about. You know, in our book, Alcoholics Thomas, it says clearly that we're telling the general way what our drinking was like, and you're going to get the general idea real quick what my drinking was likes. I can tell you guy about my drinking in about five seconds, laughing at the truth. Many, many years ago, I was at a concert in upstate New York called Woodstock. And I'm not talking about that piece of crap they had 10 years ago. I'm talking about the real Woodstock, and there will never be another one. Trust me on that. The kids from the 60s threw a party that nobody will ever match, I'm quite sure. And New York got wind they're going to have this big event. And they tell these people, if you don't get medical coverage, you are not going to get to have these concerts. So I started hiring people from Nebraska. I thought we were responsible, and we were a seedy lot, I can assure you. I was first drunk to sign up for this deal. and find nine girls I worked with to join me, and met about 80 doctors from New York who were at Woodstock. I'd never seen so much alcohol in place in my entire life. You could have floated a bathroom problem whatsoever, and the drugs was like a candy store, and everybody was sharing their drugs with everybody else, but we had this great big semi-truck on that back lot of Woodstock, that was our hospital park back there, and I'll recall being in that semi the entire week. But I do recall it was like to stand for the stage tonight that Richie Haven, St. Freedom, and Joe Cocker, and Country Joe sent out those scripts that I love. I come from the roaring 60s, you guys and I love rock and roll let me tell you, things have not changed in my life a little tiny bit I loved Elvis Presley and Janis Joplin was my lady wouldn't Janis have been a fine member of Alcoholics Anonymous I'd have hung out with Janis I'd trade Janis for Clancy and he didn't reveal the truth that's a big fat lie I wouldn't trade my sponsor for 20 Janis drinking for me at one time was a fun thing it would be a lie if you said anything but that but I cannot remember the pain that it caused me and one more time, I am so grateful for alcoholism, I cannot begin to tell you you know the drunk driving charges the bad checks, all the stuff that we eventually do my kids were in trouble I never could marry these guys, I was engaged they kept dying from alcoholism and I thought, you know, I need to get married to my ex-husband again, that's what I need the kids need their father besides getting eaten with him for all the things he's done to me and those are not very good reasons to get remarried again, I gotta tell you I'm certainly not proud of this if anybody in this room is thinking about getting married to the same person twice. Don't do it, you're going to be sorry. The only way I can describe it is like taking a bite out of the same turd twice if you want. I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel. And he feels the same way I do as a matter of fact. But I danced that man through three of the most miserable years of his life on the face of this earth and I love to tell you guys this story, but I tell you my sponsor always tells me that is not funny and you should not be telling that from A podiums. I said okay, fine, then I won't tell anymore. And he said, no, go ahead and tell those people to see how sick you really were and apparently how sick they really still are. And I'm still sick, and I still think it's funny, and I'm telling the story. When I married him, I told him, I said, if you ever hit me again, buddy, I will kill you next time you hit me. And he says, I'll never hit you again ever. And I said you better see that you don't. And he lied is what he did, came home drunk one night, and I happened to be sober this night for some reason and I'll remember why because I usually wouldn't. And girls, you know what guys do when they come home drunk? They want to take you to bed and stuff. And I was not buying it. If there's anything I can't stand, it's some drunk man mauling me when I'm sober. I will say that when the shoe's under the foot, though, it's fine with me. And that guy came and indicated that to me. And I said, you get your hands off me and leave me alone. I wanted nothing to do with him, period. And he broke my arm is what he did. And I'm here to tell you guys that I was pissed. As a matter of fact, I'm still pissed about it, to know the truth. I told him, I said you go to sleep on that couch and so help me, God, when you wake up, you're going to wish you'd never been born. He said it for hours. You guys' eyes probably opened. As it must be, he finally passed out. And I started drinking martinis. And this is a classic example of what alcohol did for me. Alcohol told me what to do. I didn't tell it what to doing. I had about eight, 10 martinis and I was feeling no pain, I can assure you. And I was sitting there watching this guy. And I hate to tell you what this man was doing, but I can't tell you the story that can tell you how he was doing. He was laying on the couch playing with himself. I thought, you disgusting man. you make me sick to my stomach. And the more I drank, the madder I got. You guys, you know, I'm a nurse and I'm very familiar with melanatomy. And I'd be very familiar with melanotomy if I wasn't a nurse. But I thought to myself, what can I do to get even this guy for all the things he's done to me? And I came up with this brilliant idea in my drunken stupor. That's one thing we should never do, folks, is drink and think at the same time. Excuse me. This is many, many years ago, you guys, when superglue first came out. And superglute was powerful stuff. You didn't want to mess around with super glue, let me tell you. And I got that super glue and I read the directions on that super glue and like I said, I was drunk and I wasn't seeing very clearly. And what I thought those directions said were, if this hits human skin you better get it off in 15 hours. Now why would it say something stupid like that? What it said was, in fact, if it hits human skin, you better be locked in five minutes is what it said. And then I went over to this guy. I get so excited when I tell this story I could just do it all over again. And I poured super glue all over this guy's groin and I mean everywhere. There was not one place in there that had super glue and I laughed about it and I went to bed. And I woke up in the morning to screams of horror like you cannot even believe. You know, I did not mean to hurt this guy as bad as I did and I swear to God that's true, but I'll tell you what happened to my ex-husband. This guy never had the advantage of being circumcised when he was born and now he clearly was, I can assure you. Really, it was just terrible. And we had a telephone by our been there in Lincoln. He called the police, and the cops were out in front of her home with their sirens going. There was an ambulance out there. The neighbors were gawking out of their windows, and you know, one thing you guys got to keep in mind here, they did not see things like this happen in Lincoln, Nebraska, and California would not surprise me one bit, but certainly not there, and the cop's were laughing, which made the whole thing was funny, and they said, lady, are you crazy or what? Why would you do something like this? And I stood there, and I said, well, it makes you think that I did it anyway. I was only standing there with glue on my hands, for God's sake. And they said, you're under arrest for assault and battery. And I said, You cannot arrest wives in Nebraska for assault battery against their husbands. I knew better than that. And two days later when I got out of jail, I guess I did know better than them. They took that man to the very hospital that I worked at in surgery and he had to have surgery. One more time, the whole staff saw what Karen did and they took me to jail, my dad. It turned out to be a terrible, terrible thing. Those doctors there in Lincoln couldn't get that glue off. They had to get two surgeons down from Creighton University Medical School in Omaha, Nebraska to get that glue off. There's a paper about that at Creighton. Anybody who's going to go to medical school there, you can read about it if you want to. I'd always wanted a paper written about me, but not like this, I've got to tell you. And I was sitting in that jail thinking to myself, I am getting out of this marriage. When this guy comes home from the hospital, he's goingto glue something to mine shut. He would have too. I'm sorry but he would have. For those of you who don't know this, that happened to a lady in Kentucky about five years ago. It was on the national news and I was on 10 Freeway driving. I had a wreck when I heard it. I thought, my God better her than me, I got to tell you. But we have an amends step in this program and my sponsor made me get on an airplane and fly to Sacramento, California and make amends to my ex-husband where he currently lives. I tried to tell my sponsor, I'm not sorry that I did that. This won't have to make the amends. He said, I don't care whether you're sorry or not. Get on that airplane and get there and do what I'm asking you to do and maybe one of these days you will be sorry. I'll tell you, but in this room tonight when that guy sees me, he kind of backs up let me tell you but we're able to sit down and talk and stuff and I made my amends to him. And I will tell you guys, I walked away from that man. I was free what I had done to him, I was freed of being married to him twice and I will say for the first time in my sobriety, the promise of the Eucharist came true in my life. And you would ask about that? Motives mean nothing here folks. My motives suck big time on that one. I still got the promises though. It's action that counts around here, not motives and stuff. Anyway, I divorced this guy one more time. Oh, I gotta tell you, you guys have fun. I almost forgot to tell this. I went up to Lompoc prison to speak about four years ago. As we all know, it's the Men's Federal Penitentiary in Central Coast California. They're this month's speakers meeting, so they invited folks to come up and share. So I drove up to Santa Maria at the Long Pot property and after the guard tower you have to push the button. They say, who are you and what is your business? And I told them, they said, Mrs. Garrison, do you have any weapons on you, any guns, knives, explosives? And I said no. And they said well, Mrs Garrison do you ever need super glue on you? For the first time in my life I was totally speechless. The guard tower laughing and the prisoners put them up to it and stuff. And I said, well, no, as a matter of fact, I don't. They said, then you can come on in. Prisoners took me to their meeting and they had this big black blood behind me with a great big circle with a red slash. No superhero tonight. You don't know what's going to happen. I look like some of us. But anyway, I divorced this guy and I got involved with the most bizarre man I've ever met before in my life. This guy told me he was in the mafia. Now, I não acho que ninguém de Nebraska está na mafia, por Deus. Eu estava mentindo a ele e ele estava mentirando a mim. Era o típico, eu era como um pesadelo. Eu estava bebendo em dia a dia basis. I was taking Valium for severe tumors that I was starting to have. It was beginning to be no more fun, I've got to tell you guys. You know, I'm a nurse and I've studied alcoholism. I knew all about it before I became one. It shows me one more time tonight what our book says is so true. Self-knowledge avails us nothing of this disease. It's action that counts. Nowhere in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous do we have a chapter called Into Thinking. We do have this called Into Action. And that's the only reason I'm standing here 26 years sober. And the day they gave me to the hospital told me they said, Karen, you know what? You are absolutely pathetic. You are the finest nurse on this staff, and you know that you are. You have won awards for your nursing ability. What is the matter with you? You have a drinking problem. We're talking about you in the paper. Drunk driving charges, bad checks, gluing husbands, all the stuff that you're doing. That's what you do in Nebraska. It's in the newspaper, I'm sorry to say, and they knew my game. They said, you're either going to a treatment center or you are out of here. We are not protecting you anymore. And I stood there and I said, you and what army is going to make me go to a treating center? And I walked out of a job that I loved more than anything in the whole world, and I cannot say that enough tonight. And I drank and I drank and I died and I lied a thousand times over. I went to work at a nursing home there in Lincoln. What I'm ready to share with you guys is something I am not proud to discuss from any AA podium. It took me years for my sobriety before I would ever mention this. I found myself stealing drugs from that nursing home, and it wasn't because I liked drugs. That has nothing to do with anything. I was physically addicted to alcohol by now. I had to have this stuff. I couldn't go more than three hours without drinking. I couldn'T drink at work, so I started stealing drugs. It's just that damn simple. AndI was stealing morphine and Demerol and cocaine and Valium and I get my damn hands on it. And if you think I'm proud of that, you are sadly wrong. And the day came to me, the people that ran that place came up to me and they said, Karen, what is wrong with you? You are just weird as what you are. You take good care of the patients. You're a great nurse, but you're just strange. I remember thinking to myself, you'd be strange too if you had 200 milligrams of Demerol on board. Excuse me. You'd be estranged too. And I came around, and I kind of kissed Adam and I walked out the door before they fired me. I went to work at Bryan Memorial Hospital there in Lincoln. And you guys, it's a fine, fine facility. And I was drunk on that, everybody had that nursing position. And I'm not talking about falling down drunk. I was just maintaining a certain level of alcohol in my bloodstream that I would not shake and have those violent tremors. That is clearly desperation drinking. Our book describes it vividly. And I wasn't hot water up to my yin-yang, let me tell you. I had to drink, I had take drugs, and I had no more choice than any of it. And I will tell you guys right up under tonight, the very thought that I might drink makes the hair on my neck stand straight up. and that's why I'm going to act in them about klaxonomics and stuff. Excuse me. God, have another cigarette, Karen. The day came when I got caught red-handed stealing some morphine from the hospital and this has got to be without a doubt the most humiliating day of my entire life when they said you give us your narcotic keys and you get out of this hospital don't you want to walk back in here again reporting this to the State Board of Nursing Nebraska That's exactly what they did. That's precisely what they should have done, might as well job should have been done too, as a matter of fact. And long story short here tonight, I lost my nursing license. And to make a long story shorter for me here tonight I went up on the streets of Nebraska, and you guys, I spent two years on the street and I traveled the Midwest, I prostrated myself and I'll guarantee you one thing that I have seen and done things that no woman should ever see or do and I'm still so sick in the head sometimes I think to myself I wouldn't mind seeing some of them again. My sponsor assures me I am still a very ill member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've been in nut houses, I've been in detoxes, I'm been in jails, I've in institutions. I cannot think of a thing on the streets as a practicing female alcoholic. Things happen to me I would not repeat from this podium tonight but I'm sure that you had the general idea and two years rolled by for me and there I was back there in Lincoln standing on Skid Row sucking on a bottle of Mad Dog and I certainly have better things intended for myself than to be doing that let me tell you. I will never forget that last day of my drinking as long as I live and I hope to God it was the last day of my drinking. I apparently was so physically sick, I just passed out. That's what happened to me. Passed out in the streets and I woke up in Tennessee Care Ward, the very hospital I was born at, the very hostel I worked at for 19 years and I will tell you guys clearly that the alcoholic hell for me started when I got sober. I laid in that Tennessee Care Ward. I had tubes come out of my belly that were draining fluid off my liver. I had IVs going and I found myself in withdrawal that was so bad I cannot begin to tell you, guys. And I laid in that Mississippi Care Ward and I shook and I shook and died and I died for 30 solid days I'd scream at those nurses, demand they give me drugs for this withdrawal. They would not give me drug one. There's nothing wrong with your heart. It's not throwing any irregularities, and you're not getting one drug, so quit asking us for them. You need to fill in those tremors, and maybe you'll never do it again. And I did not want to hear that, let me tell you. But let me show you what these people did for me, and I will be forever grateful as long as I'm sober now, like some of us. They got 10 members of AA to come and sit with me. And, you know, I want to say something very quickly because I feel so strongly about this because it saved my life. Once upon an AA, I heard people say, not very many people, And I hear the offer, and I hear one of them throttling by the neck. They say things like, we don't go unless the alcoholic calls us. Ladies and gentlemen, I am standing here 26 years sober tonight. I never made any damn phone call. Where'd that crap come from? It's good enough for our co-founders. By God, it's good genug for us. I think Bill found Bob, as the story goes. I don't think Bob found Bill. I hope I never forget why I'm coming around here. My responsibility statement does indeed say, when anyone anywhere reaches out for help, we want the hand of AOS to be there. The nurses reached out. The alcoholics responded. And I can believe it's a direct result of that. And many other things, too. I'm standing here 26 years over. But anyway, I just fell in love with these people. And I'll tell you why. There's not one person in my life that was speaking to me. Family, kids, nobody. It was over. I was done by myself and I was dying. And for the first time in a long time, people were talking to me again. They'd say things like, Karen, just keep breathing. So all you do is breathe. And I'd say, when is this withdrawal going to stop? And they said, when it's time, that's when it stops. And that wasn't good enough for me. I wanted a date is what I wanted. and they were absolutely accurate about that when it's time, it's time. At 30 days of sobriety I walked out of the official treatment pump at that hospital I'm a product of a treatment center I have no opinion one way or the other but apparently I went to a fine one because all they talked about was alcoholics and boy there's a lot of bad ones out there you guys let me tell you and thank God I went and took a good one and let me show you what I was like when I was 30 days sober. I actually so desperately on day one that 30 days there was a whole different ball game when you start telling me what to do and stuff and you know where I went through treatment a lot people got kicked out a treatment for fraternizing. I didn't. No, unless they're fraternized with an orange person, I can assure you. They used to bring the patients over to the hospital and they'd say, look at her, see what's going to happen if you keep on drinking? Look at her. I thought, how dare you come into my room and say stuff like that. But you know what, you guys, in retrospect tonight I am really glad they did that. I get to think about that before I pick up any drink, but I was on a quick study in the inpatient 30-day program due to my very rotten behavior. I was in there for seven long months. That's a long time being inpatient in a 30- day program, but I completed that inpatient program, and I went to an outpatient program. I went through an evening care program. I went into an aftercare program. And I found myself a very, very ethnic and eclectic person in Lincoln, Nebraska. And I wasn't doing one thing where you teach people in the area to do it, and I rapidly went through 19 sponsors in that town. I would tell the new people, you don't need to read the book, and you don' t need a sponsor. What do we want to do around here? This is an individual program. And needless to say, I was not real popular with the old-timers in Lincoln. You guys, the old timers in there are so precious to me as I stand here tonight. but not in 1982. I couldn't care less what these people thought and you can pull your stuff around here just for so long and these old timers are going to start nailing you one right after the other God love them, you know, old timers they literally saved my life and boy they are dying off right and left I got to tell you guys and they have taught me well and I'll be eternally grateful this little guy with 20 years of sobriety grabbed me up at an A one day and he said come outside I want to talk to you he said you stay away from new people how dare you tell the new people on A down there to read the book and they need a sponsor He said, you're like a typhoid Mary in AA. Everybody dies around you, but you're able to stay sober somehow. And he went on to tell me, there's going to be a man from California speaking in Kearney, Nebraska this weekend. His name is Clancy. He had this man speak here and asked this man if he will sponsor you. He is a master at dealing with jerks like you. And I heard all about Clancy, and I wanted nothing to do with him, period, because I knew I was going to get in bad, bad trouble. And I've got to tell you guys that my fears have been justified 8,000 times over. I told this old-timer, I said, who do you think you are to tell me that you're my sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous? He said, if you don't get in that car and go with us Saturday, I'm going to tell everybody in Lincoln how you stole money from an AA meeting. And I'll guarantee I was in that car going to Carney, Nebraska. I paid that money back too, by the way. I did pay it. I did. And I will tell you guys from a podium in Carney, Nebraska, that man literally put the magic of AlcoholicsAnonymous in my life. My life has never been the same since that talk. And there's a reason for that. For the first time in my sobriety, I was identified with another alcoholic And as I understand it, that's what this thing is all about. I know of no finer speaker in the world than my sponsor. I'm not saying that you need to believe that. It's only important that I believe that, and by the end of that talk, I wanted that man for my sponsor, That, ladies and gentlemen, is how God works in my life. I wouldn't have asked that man to sponsor me in a million years. Trust me, I wouldn'T have asked him. Apparently, God does something I can't do for myself, and I found myself walking across the convention floor asking him to be my sponsor and he looked at me and he said, I don't sponsor crazy people like you, and that's a lie anyway. he sponsors people crazy I never thought of him and I thought to myself why'd he say that to me before he doesn't even know me and I wasn't aware of the fact this old-timer had called him two weeks prior to him coming to Nebraska and asked if he brought me if he would talk and he said of course I will and he knew my game let me tell you sending my little white dress on my little white gloves on acting like an angel and he saw right through my crap and he says Karen I don't have to sponsor people on long distance basis but I'm going to do this for you but don't do it afraid you'll probably go die somewhere but he said I'm gonna tell you something little girl and you better listen to me real good because I'm going to say it one time and one time only. You're going to call me every day, I tell you not to call my every day. You are going to read that book, you're going sponsor people become an active member of Al-Khlaq Samos you're not going to argue with me, defend your actions to me, do what I ask you to do and if you don't want to do that then get yourself a different sponsor and you guys, you want to talk about we stood at the turning point this is the day in my recovery really beginning Al-Qaq Somas and I said two words that I almost fell over when I said them I said yes sir, I don't tell people, yes, sir. Trust me, I don't. One more time, God do if I can't do it myself. Respect's got to start with me somewhere. Might as well start with my sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I went back to Lincoln. I became very, very active in the right way. I'm responsible for a lot of women in that town. And i'm not bragging about that. It's not that much fun to sponsor 56 crazy women in Alcoholic Anonymous, but I agree to love those women very, Very much and I'll tell you why. They really showed me the first four years of my sobriety what to do, what not to do in this program. And every one of those women, as far as I know, is still sober today, with the exception of one, and she died in a car accident when she was 13 years sober. But she died sober, you guys, and it wasn't because of me. They were active members of Alkalexonomics, and one of the first directions my sponsor gave me, I want you to get that nursing license back. And I tried to tell him, I cannot go through that kind of humiliation. They're not even going to talk to me, Clancy. I can't do it. And he hung up on me is what he did. And I called him back. He said, just do what I asked you to do. Get the State Board of Nursing Nebraska and tell those people you've been sober in AA for a year and a half. You'd the opportunity to get your nursing license back and you guys i knew it wasn't going to work but i did anyway and that's without a doubt the most important thing i can say in this room tonight i did what my sponsor wanted me to do whether i thought would work or not and i asked for my license back admitted to me like i had just grown horns on the top of my head i can assure you and they said how many licks are you willing to go to them and i had to do a lot you guys i could take crap off people for two years that i wouldn't hire to mow my own lawn for the truth and i'd keep my mouth shut in the process too and one of the happiest days of my life occurred 22 years ago, when one more time I was drinking in front of the State Board of Nurses in Nebraska and what they told me brought me to my knees for the first time in alcoholics on us. They said, welcome home. You're fully reinstated as a registered nurse. And that is a gift from AA. I don't deserve it. By God, I intend to take it. You know, I went out to California to visit a couple times. I fell in love with Southern California AA. If you're new in this room tonight, please come out and see us. I really believe that we are in the mecca of alcoholics anonymous in the whole world. We should all believe that about our respective areas and stuff. But I found myself telling Clancy on the phone one day, moved to Los Angeles, living in that crazy Venice Beach with all those crazy people. Worked at UCLA in the operating room. We had two of their transplant teams, their heart liver transplant teams. I want this and I want that. And every single one of those things have come true for me. And those are all gifts from AA. I deserve absolutely none. By God, I'm taking all of them. You know, early on, and I think this is so important to talk about you guys because it's so precious to me and stuff. Early on, my sponsor told me, he said, Karen, you know, Alkalix Thomas as an entirety is a spiritual program. Now where are you with that? are you praying at all? I said, no, I don't believe in God. I can't do that. I'm not praying. And the phone went dead. Well, I guess now I'm going to pray. But anyway, I called him back. He said, just do what I asked you to do, kid. Just do what i asked you do. And he flipped up in the book and he read to me where I get a daily reprieve contingent on a spiritual maintenance with the power of myself. He said, that's all you have is a daily basis, a spiritual maintenance of power within yourself. And she said, I'm gonna tell you something, Karen, there's going to come a day in your sobriety when I can help you and A can't help you. You better well have a God in your life, little girl. You'll be dead from the disease of alcoholism. And I'm so glad I had a God by the time it started happening to me, let me tell you. It's only happened to me a couple times in my sobriety, and by God I'm sure that I had the God bythe time it happened. Anyway, so I said, what do you want me to do? He said, get on your knees in the morning, get onyour knees at night, and you pray for God's will. Do not pray for things, pray for God'swill and the power to carry that out. And I started doing that, you guys. And I'll never forget one day I asked Clancy, I said Clancy what is God's Will? He said, how the hell am I supposed to know? I'm not God. He said, I have to believe that when I'm doing what's in front of me, doing what's on my plate that God gives me to do, that's God's will for me. And I had not a clue what he was even talking about. He'd say, Karen, you do what's in front if you. Clean your apartment, whatever needs to be done. Go to work, work hard. You know, do what' s in front you to be done. And so I started doing that. And he told me, he says, in your particular case, why don't you just answer the damn phone when it rings? Well, you know, when I got sober, I did not have a telephone, you guys. It took me a long time to get a phone now called Exonomist. By the time I got one, I sure didn't want to answer it. Let me tell you, it was bill collectors, but as a direct result, I answered that telephone. I'm $86,000 out of debt now called Examomus. It took мне 18 years to do that. It's like paying for dead horses everywhere, but I'll tell you something. I am so free from... Oh, I'm so glad I did that and stuff. So I started answering the phone under all conditions. If I'm home, the phone gets picked up. Anyway, about 14 years ago, we had a trouble nursing crisis in Southern California, and we were working our butts off, let me tell ya. You know, we're not for too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. I was a bitch is what I was. I worked 72 hours this one week, and I worked a night shift over there for many, many years, and most of our transplants are done at night because of organ evading billing and so forth. But anyway, so that shift was mine, you know, for a long, long time. And so I worked 62 hours, and this one particular evening I had the night off, went to meet early, even though I went home and I went to bed early. And the phone rang about 2 o'clock in the morning. I thought, I am not answering that phone. It's either my boss want me to come work or somebody I sponsor wanted to whine about something, I'm not answering the phone. Now, I've been taught, pick up the phone when it rings, and I'm so glad I did. You guys are the most precious thing that helped me. And sure enough, it was my boss. He said, I got 18 people sick over here tonight. We're going to do a liver transplant. This is about three years old. I have nobody to do it. Now get over here and help me. I don't want to hear it, Karen. I know you work 73 hours. I cannot help it. I need your help. And the phone went dead. Well, I was going to call my sponsor, but I don' t want to talk to him about nothing at 2 o'clock in the morning. I know that he told me nobody ever died from lack of sleep, Karen, And on his way back to bed, I just went to work. And I'm so glad I did, you guys. And I got done. I sent my order upstairs to bring our little patient down to surgery. And he called me in the back. He said, Terry, you're not going to believe all the people in this family. And I thought, well, that's nice that they had the support. I was so proud of you guys He said there's like 80 people in his family. I thought how highly unusual at 4 o'clock in the morning. How highly unusual any time from the truth. But anyway, I went out front to get my little patient. And the first thing I noticed was a mother. She had the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen before in my life. and the dad was good looking and stuff. And I looked down at my little patient and I got to tell you guys that Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me to love at a level I never, ever, ever dreamt possible myself. And I ever so gently fell in love with this little baby girl and so sick she left her head off the pillow as she was so sick and dying from some strange liver thing and needed a transplant. And I remember thinking to myself and you didn't want to be here, you selfish person. I hated myself at that particular moment. I thought I'm going to be the best nurse I've been before in my life and by God I was too. In her little arms she had a bear and she had it blanket wrapped on that bear hang on here for dear life and I've been over and I talked to her and I said oh you brought your little baby bear down to surgery and tried to tell me her little bear was going to have a liver transplant. I said, oh you're both gonna have one and she said no no just the bear but anyway we sent the family out the way when that mom was in absolute hysterics I got to tell you guys and and this baby looked at me she said why is my mommy crying? Go tell my mommy not to cry and because of alcoholic stomach so I've learned this program I was able to tell that little girl the truth and I see your mommy's crying because your mommy loves you so much and she's just worried about you and we're going to fix you and you'll be all better then your mom won't worry anymore and that seemed to settle her down a little bit and stuff and you know we have an anesthesiologist at UCLA that loves to play with the kids he's just a delight to work with so when she got her IV started the bear got an IV started his bag was called bear juice she thought that was real funny and stuff when she went to bed sleep the bear went to sleep and it was really quite painless for you know the truth but I must tell you guys that 16 hour transplant did not go well we almost lost that baby a couple times due to blood loss I have never seen a team of people pulled together lucky that I for that baby and 16 hours later she went to her room with not much hope at all I gotta tell you guys and well we said some prayers on that one let me tell you and I became obsessed with this baby and I had to see her again you have a rule at UCLA you may not get involved the transplant patients after surgery because they wonder where the organs come from we cannot tell them it's best not to see him after surgery so I only tell anybody in this room tonight that I'm real good at breaking rules and I thought I'm just gonna go up and see how she's doing I'm not going to talk to anybody. So when she was six days post-op in that transplant, I went up to that baby's room and I opened the door of that child's room. And I could not believe it was in front of my face. My God, the power of God, the powerof God. Here was this little baby girl. It was the first time she'd been through some surgery. She was jumping up and down her crib. She had diapers hanging around her knees. She has that bear on one arm and she had a baby bottle on the other arm. And she was first time, she went through surgery and her diaper is hanging around her knees and I stood in that hall and I just cried like a baby. And this bear, let me tell you about what she'd done of the bear. She put band-aids all over this bear. He had band-аids on his eyes, his ears, his nose, because he had a liver transplant too, you know. But anyway, it is not cool to see the nursing staff ball, let me tell you guys. And something caught my eye out of the corner of my eye. That whole room full of people were in there. And I'll be damned if our book wasn't sitting on that kid's dresser. And it all made sense to me now. And i was in that room like a flash and i asked the mom, i said, whose book is that? And she said, well that's my book. I'm your vocal exonymous, so is my husband. Her sponsor was there, his sponsor was there.And those people had driven 500 miles to be with this family. They were not from the LA area, and they showed me one more time what this thing is all about. It's all about love and service, and that's all it's about, and I was impressed, let me tell you. I asked the mom, I said, how long have you been sober? She said, five years today. I thought, oh my god, her baby for the first time, what a fabulous birthday present and stuff, and i walked up to this little girl, and she stopped dead in her tracks, and she said, go away, i'm not sick anymore. I had my scrub clothes on, and it scared the hell out of me, didn't i? I said i didn't come here to hurt you, i came here to see how you're doing. You guys, she gave me her little bear. And she said, you take him home and take care of me so a nurse would take care. I know why she gave me the bear to get me away from her, but I could pretend like she wanted me to have him. And I told the mom, I said, I cannot take that baby's bear home. That bear went through that baby'S liver transplant. We had it right by her little head in a plastic bag her entire surgery. She said, Karen, please take it. She wants you to have it. She's got 50 bears in this room. And he did indeed have 50 bears in that room. I was like a fool walking down the hall with that bear. But that bear became my most prized possession from a vocal They got to be too important to me, we got to get rid of it folks. My little granddaughter said to me grandma can I have that bear? And I said it's grandma's bear Brandy. And she said well grandma I really want that bear. Tell my girlfriend the story and I said grandma will buy you 500 bears, it's my bear. And she says but I don't want five, I want that Bear. Finally I said its grandma's Bear. How dumb does that sound, it's Grandma's Bear? It got so bad I talked to my sponsor and he told me you give her that damn bear right this minute. minute. You're the most selfish woman before my life. You've got to give it away to keep it. Now give her the bear. I thought, that's it. That's the last straw. But I obviously didn't do anything about it. So I gave her that bear. And I visited my bear last summer in Lincoln, Nebraska. He sits on her dresser. She's 22 years old now. She has her own kids and stuff. But she still won't let me have the bear, folks. But at least to visit him and stuff it. Anyway, in that hospital room, I thought I need to reciprocate here. I obviously was not prepared for a birthday party. And there was something that was in my pocket that my sponsor gave me when I was five years sober. I was like 14 years old when this happened. I hung on to that medallion for many, many years too long. You know, I'm a selfish woman, I am sorry to say. I could not seem to find the woman that was special in my opinion to give my five-year medallions to. And I knew I had found her, let me tell you. But anyway, the reason it's in my pocket right there is narcotic. He's next to that medalion. I don't tell anybody in this room tonight, when I open that cupboard sometimes, my eyes are like firecrackers. Grab that and remember I'm coming from here. But I gave her that. And she said, Karen, I can't take that. My God, Clancy, I said, no, I want you to have it. And I really meant that. You know, the nurses got wind of all this. We got a cake for the mother. We celebrated her five years of sobriety. I got my sponsor on the telephone. Within about three hours, there were about 50 cars in front of UCLA. And I cannot begin to tell you how proud I was to take my people, take those people to my home group at night, the Pacific Group. There's been no more contact with them. It's got me there for many, many reasons. My other little girl is doing very, very well and stuff. And, you know, the point I'm trying to make here is I could have missed the whole damn thing. How many times in my life have I missed stuff because I wouldn't do what was in front OF me? take a simple action line, answer the phone when it rings and stuff. That makes me crazy if I think about it long enough. But you know people say to me all the time, why do you keep doing it Karen? Why do you keeps doing it? And I know of no greater thing to say to them than what our 12th tradition says long form. So that this to the end that my great blessings may never spoil me I may forever live in thankful contemplation of him who presides over us all. And there's more reasons than that for me. You're the ones that walk with me when nobody else would walk with you. You hold my hand when nobody has to hold my hands. And you told me that you loved me. And I need you as desperately as I needed you in 1982 You've taught me how to live. You've talked me how to love. You've told me how to keep my pants up and all those things and I don't do any of those things very well but I'll tell you the one thing that I do with 200% absolute perfection and that is this, that I love this program more than the whole world and it's truly a story from an alcoholic hell I cannot even describe. I have truly been given just like the big book about Clark Thomas says, I have really been given the keys to the kingdom and I'm going to say one more thing and I want to shut my mouth here. It has been one hell of a walk from Skid Row in Nebraska to where I stand in Lawrence, Kansas tonight. And I think that but for the grace of God and Alclad's psalmist, I would have missed it all. Thank you for having me and thank you for my life. Thank you.