Why a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory Is Not a Sermon – Candice M.

Good morning, everyone. My name is Candice Moore. I'm an alcoholic. She put a little on it, huh? I said, all right now. Dynamic. Ever in life. I like that. So, you know, so we're going to talk about some things and it's probably going to be a little bit uncomfortable, right? because we're doing the inventory right and probably a really uncomfortable for me because I'm going to share some stuff and so before I do any of that I want to thank Bridget and I want to thank everyone that has participated in putting this on to bring a group of women together. That's a powerful, powerful thing. I don't even know if we have taken stock as to how powerful that is. You know there are for me I am here with women a lot of whom are members of my home group. We've known each other for a long time. Certainly, I'm probably closest to Sharon because Sharon has always been consistent no matter what, like when I'm well-liked, when I're not liked, you know what I mean? Because you got to be able to roll with it and so to have people in your corner that are there no matter how popular I am, it's are we friends or are we not, right? And so that for me is also inventory because a lot of things I can't grasp. I can'T grasp because I've never experienced them. I understand that you're talking about it, but it's not relevant. I don't have a point of relevancy to come from to say, oh, that's what you mean. And so it's by people like Sharon that I see that and by the other members that are here and by the ladies that I've met over the weekend. This for me is important. What we're going to talk about this morning are things lipstick can't fix. I know how to gussy it up, to pull it together, right? And to fake it for a minute, I loved Michaelene's talk. I love Sia's talk, I always love both of their talk. I have Michaelene on her, on a CD of her talk from my home group in my car, right. I like to have Depth and Weight played in my car. I'd like to a good meal. I don't want a snack that's going to leave me hungry. I need something that leaves me satisfied. You know what I mean? Because I get a little bitchy, right, when I'm hungry. I'm going to tell you now. That's right. People here know me. They'll be like, here we go. Yes. So my sobriety date is August 16th, 1995. That's my date. That date is absolutely everything to me. And so what that looks like is over the years that I've been here, I've had to make a lot of changes in order for my date to remain the same. If you ever read Step 1 in the 12 and 12, the last page, it says why all this insistence that every AA must hit bottom first because few of us will sincerely try to practice the remaining 11 steps. Who wishes to be rigorously honest? Who wants to confess his faults to another man? I'm not doing any of that. You work it out, right? I'm good. But here's the deal. I want to be the captain of my own ship, but my behavior also ends up with me being the only person on my own chip. I'm trying to steer. I'm tried to do whatever. you know what I mean and so it's like okay well how can we how can I live how can I cooperate how can i cooperate I too do not want to die drunk I had no idea that I was going to be able to stay here people didn't think I was gonna stay you know we say a lot of things and sometimes we just laugh and without giving thought as to how that is really resonating in someone's spirit right and so when I was newly sober I came here no hair right I have cut all my hair off I I was looking at Sia's hair. You know, Sia is one of the women I've always respected. I was look at Sias hair and I'm like, she just looks so chic. And how come you look chic and my hair looks like I'm coming off of a crack run? What's that about, right? I don't like it. I have always had long hair. And I had it cut a few months ago because I wanted to be chic. And so I don' t want to say it's a black thing but maybe, I don''t know. certainly there are some textural differences right and I'm trying to do the pin curl and you know so I'm like everyone go here and they're like but we like it over here you know and so that has nothing to do with anything but I needed to talk about it so so when I got sober I was ball-headed because I would drink and enhance my drinking with just a couple two three things that affected me and and allowed me um you know I would enhance it I would stay up for eight nine days at a time and so uh I was very motivated if you will I was missing my front tooth when I got sober I expressed an opinion it wasn't supported right I was 96 pounds because I was felt and uh I would have a nutritious snickers bar every three or four days, you know. Here's the deal. Coming in here into Alcoholics Anonymous, so I'm going to gain my weight. I'm going to go through different hairstyles. I obviously got the tooth fixed. You know, let me tell you something. People get real weird with their stuff because when I am talking, when Sharon is talking, When Tia's talking, Michaelene and, you know, everyone else that's going to talk, it's going trigger different things, right? And I shared this. I didn't think I was going to share it. Yeah, I'm gonna share it, so let me tell you what happened. So I was talking at this meeting that I've spoken at before, and it's about the size of this room, this meeting, right? It meets every week, and so I had shared, and after the meeting, people if they have been trained properly, whether they like your talk or not, will say thank you for your service, right, because sometimes people blow smoke oh my god, it was their best talk ever, and then you hear them say that to the next speaker, and you're like, uh-uh And so you take it all in stride, right? But this woman was really bonding with me online and I really identified and blah, blah, blah. And then all of a sudden, it was like the exorcism. She looked at my purse and something just clicked. And she said, is that a fake Louis Vuitton? i had just given a spiritual talk i have talked about having evolved into a different place in my life and you understand that you all you're vulnerable after you've shared some things some things that you're still processing yourself and so you and i'm in this area this affluent area with people who always they look like their bottom was the dry cleaning messed up my laundry you know what I mean and so and so I've just given some like heavy duty information like I've been some places I've done some things and so now you're asking me wow and I thought we I thought we had bonded that we were trudging and so but all of this thought process is factored within five seconds, and so I said it wasn't fake when I went to the Beverly Hills Louis Vuitton store to purchase it, right? So I'm moving on, right, moving on. And so you take their hand and you gently but firmly guide them away, but she's not going because she's not done. And she said, right not to be outdone because I'm not rattled and clearly she's got to go for the jugular and she said oh that's right you no longer live on the streets. Oh wait I applaud her commitment I do. Here's the deal the most spiritual of people if you catch them at the wrong time you're not going to like it and I'm not the most spiritual people. I'm someone that works very hard just to stay even. There are people who are effortless. They are seamless. Sharon is one of them. She just, it's like she just glides all the time. My sponsor is one OF them. I mean, they may feel a way, but they don't say it. I feel the way and I will say it, right? I'm like Michaelene. I need to help you clearly. And so no, see ya. See ya. Sia was brilliant last night. Didn't she give it up? I said, go ahead. See you. Go ahead, see you. And then Michaelene came in and kicked it. And here's what's deep about how Michaelene brought it to us this morning. She didn't just come with depth and weight repeatedly, repeatedly, she finished way before time. She was like, I'm done. I was like. Because there's nothing more annoying than when you are done, but you keep talking, right? because when you wrap it up mentally I've wrapped up with you you know what I mean but usually you're like let me pull some stories from when I was far I'm like don't don't and so uh so anyway we're just way off track now I just have to now I gotta finish it so we're gonna tie it into the inventory you have to right so uh So, when she said that to me, I stood at the turning point. Grace was right then available to me. Here's what I understood. Something that I had said has brought up some very painful things for her. She wants to be loving. I believe that when she approached me and first started talking to me she truly wanted to be supportive. I believe that she identified with everything I was talking about. But here's the thing, I'm talking about these things in hindsight. I have processed them. I have moved to the other side. She is in that hallway. And so it says, though their symptoms disturbed us, they, like ourselves, right, were spiritually sick too. so i understand that in in that moment that was the best she could do how many people have i loved and i've said things that just have hurt them you know one of my friends are here today i had to we've been friends for forever i mean friends for wherever she is one of the most beautiful hearts i've ever known and i was going through a rough time and um she was going through a rough time. And I'm one of the people that if you don't show up for my birthday and you're not in the hospital, you're the enemy. And so, and she was going through, you know, like a huge upheaval in her life and she wasn't able to make my birthday. And, I mean, she's been there for countless and countless and countless birthdays. We've just hung out. We talked about sacred things in our lives yet when she didn't show up for my birthday it triggered things that had not been healed yet and so my response to her was very dismissive and very curt and it hurt her feelings and so I didn't understand why in the months that followed we really weren't talking she moved and I didn'T even know she moved AND I WAS LIKE WELL HOW COULD I NOT KNOW AND SO WHEN I WAS ABLE TO SIT STILL IN MY SPIRIT IN THE STILLNESS WHICH IS WHERE YOU CAN HEAR THE TRUTH understood I had hurt her and when I made amends to her she was very gracious and she was loving that she just started talking to me and she goes you know Candace I understand she goes I know that it's just Candice and I thought I've heard people say that before you know what I mean so they're like you're obnoxious but I love you anyways really what they're talking about and so uh and so what she said was you know I know that you help a lot of people and she because I know you're really good speaker what was unsaid is you're a really good speaker, but you're not always a nice person. I heard that in the unsaid because she's so gracious. She's not trying to hurt me back. She accepted my amends, but I got to really hear that. And so when this woman was talking to me about that bag, I don't believe she was trying to intentionally harm me. She'd hurting and this is how it manifested. And so I was able to be kind and gracious to her. And I said, listen, I'll give you my number. And if ever you want to call me, you're welcome to call me. And i'll be here. Right? Because I come from a family of how do you deal with hurt? You destroy. It isn't I'm going to say the 11-step prayer and where there's hatred, let me bring whatever. You know what I mean? Where there's hatred, let me teach you. And so I don't want to live like that anymore. I'm wearing a necklace. My My dear friend Yvonne S. brought it for me, my daughter just turned 22 years old, she's never been in my life. She's never been my life because when I got sober, my mother was on trial for murdering a child. She took her body apart after raping her, she buried her in cement and I had come fresh off the streets. I'd had a career at one point in the entertainment industry and I was successful and I young and I cocky and I lost and I insecure. I lived in illusion, delusions, and facades. And the person that had raised me, my grandmother, who had been everything to me, when she died, I was so busy living in image and so busy living in the outer limits that I wasn't present for her. I didn't even know she had died until she had been buried. And so all of these things that were going on in the midst of my life on the streets, because now I've left all of that and I'm living alcoholism is a disease of distortion alcoholism lives in fear it lives in arrogance it lives this is your truth right alcohol will tell me that my lie that a lie is my truth and so by the time I came to you because of how I had been living I didn't feel there was anything else that would be afforded to me especially when my mother did what she did it was on every news station and radio station and TV station and what's interesting as I work in advertising and last year I left to come the year before I left a company that I've been really super successful at the most successful I had been in my adult life as a matter of fact and that publication covered my mom's story and what's is my colleagues never knew that's the the power of Alcoholics Anonymous but it was never lost on me every day every day day and so you know I got sober I had had a daughter and um I had her loaded and I'd been up for three days by the time I went into labor and when I came home three days later from the hospital they didn't let her come home with me which in hindsight was the best decision that ever could have been made because I was not done and so over the years um I have learned to celebrate my daughter being on this planet, even though she's not in my life. I wasn't able to start doing that until I was six years sober because for me, healing comes in stages. And that shame, which is why we're going to talk about the inventory, that shame had to be dealt with. Alcoholism says always feel bad about this, never talk about it. You must be punished for the rest of your life silently, right? But here's the thing, and this is why inventory is so important. If I don't do a searching and fearless moral inventory, I'm always going to approach you from that broken place. I'm also going to do a search and fearless and approach you from that place of shame, from that piece of inadequacy, that place of not being enough. Right? And so I celebrate my daughter every year and my friend Yvonne, she started it last year, she now gives me presents on my daughter's birthday because her daughter is, I think, two years older than my daughter And I love the relationship they had, you know, or they have. And so I think they're in Paris together right now. And so, you know, and so I just wear this because this weekend is sacred and my daughter is sacred whether she's in my life or not. And I continue to do these things because I just keep praying she'll find me. And I want to be the type of woman that my sponsor is, that Sharon is, that other women that have been so gracious in my life are. I want to be the type of woman that she won't regret having met, right? I am not my past. That is not my truth. We get to recreate here. So where it says, you know, someone that doesn't take inventory, what is inventory? A fact-finding and a fact-facing process. That's a challenge because I live in what I meant to do, right, but you're responding to me from what I did that's tricky because you're normally hostile right and so in in more about alcoholism it's a part that just always makes me sad because it's so true the doctor is talking and he said you know if you would have offered yourself to me at this hospital I wouldn't have taken you because people like you are too heartbreaking that is that is the story of my life. Unfortunately, not just when I was drinking. Sober, the hearts that I've broken, right? When people first meet us, we're so captivating and we're so seductive with our behavior. They're just drawn in. They're magnetized. But then the unhealed parts, right, start to erode every relationship. And by the end of it, they just would rather not have met us at all. Because now, not only have we hurt them, but we've altered their view of this world. And that's not okay. I have removed safety from people's lives. That is not okay. So I'm going to talk to you about a resentment, a couple of resentments. We're going to walk through it. You know, when I do an inventory, it is very important that I'm in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. What does that look like? It means that I am attending meetings on a regular basis, multiple meetings on a regular basis that I have multiple commitments right? I try to do a commitment per meeting and the reason this is really important in reaching out to other alcoholics on a daily basis because when I start putting pen to paper my former sponsor Gloria who's the love of my life. Gloria would always say there's magic when pen hits paper right? When I start putting pen topaper the disease of alcoholism will say this is your truth. This is who you are but when I continue to show up, I'm going to write for a little bit. I'm gonna put the paper down. I'm gunna show up to my meeting because that's who I am. I'm someone that you can count on. I'm somebody that does what they say they're gunna do when they say they're going to do it. And so it counteracts everything that's being put here so I can stay in today. I can stand my life. I can say in my now right and so when I start doing an inventory person place thing or principle that's pissing me off I've sponsored women that are just so holy they're just I'm never angry it's like okay well let's talk about it you know what I mean look at a couple two three things right and so with me we don't have to go through all that I'm totally pissed off and so uh if you can help me through it you know I'd like to see you try you know and so I've been really angry I'm like rageful it's more like that so last year I took a position so I left the company I worked for I started my own company and it tanked after a few months it wasn't something that I was even interested in it was something I thought I could make a lot of money at I had quite a bit of savings when I left the company that I felt just wasn't you know honoring me in the way and so you know it's like so it's so real at the time you're like oh my god you know they're killing me. And so I'm making a ton of money, but you're killing me, and now I'm broke. And so I don't regret leaving, though. So I started the company at Tank, and so I had to come back into the workforce. And I was working for this media company. It was just a crazy environment. It Was just hideous. It wasn't budget. And this guy worked there. He used to be a stockbroker. And now he's trying his hand in the world of advertising. And he just annoyed me he did and he was it was such a crazy environment they would you know do shots at work during lunch and they were vaping in the office and so I am I asked him you know if he wouldn't mind if he would vape like outside and I use I go there's no odor and I said well you know it hasn't been tested you know there could be long-term effects I don't smoke and could you and I really I was nice I was mindful of my tone because tone is everything and so my tone will tell you and so uh so I was really like extra tone mindful and and he just blew it off which pissed me off I've spoken you know what I mean and so because it says it instead it's not like people don't think it I'm just going to tell you that's the only difference and so it says that in step three is it not evident to the rest of the players that these are the things I want, right? I don't know why we're having a problem. And so anyway, he continued to agitate me just by being there. And so I came out. He started vaping in the hallway, which you're all, I mean, like this is a corporate company, hard to believe. And we're in a building where other companies are. And so, I was coming back from the ladies' room and he was just looking smug, and I didn't like it. I didn' t like it, and so I became the woman with the bag. Right? I said, You know what? I said you are fat, sloppy. You are fat sloppy overly loud. I said You're a has-been. And I stood there because I don't do talk about you. about you I do talk to you and so he they he looked at me and he said is there anything else so I took a moment to reflect we can play tennis all day sugar and I said no I think that's it if something else comes up I'll let you know and so so I went in the office and now in another environment I would never in a trillion years have even thought of saying what I you know what I mean what I felt because but this is a different type of company trust me like when I say it was crazy so he came in little wimp and runs to the CEO you know and I'm like what are you gonna do you know I mean he's foul anyway and so uh so they never said anything to me because they couldn't it was that crazy they're doing so many other things this is nothing it's nothing but here's what happened when I said it I wasn't okay I used to be able to say and do anything and not care I wasn t okay and I didn't know so I ended up talking to my boss and he goes yeah you mentioned something you know but he was in trouble with all this vaping I mean they had asked him please don't vape in the building please you know blah blah blah so um he ended up leaving the company not because of that he just wanted to do something else I guess and so I tried to find him because I knew I owed him an amends and it would be safer now that he wasn't at the company because I also don't want to incriminate myself right but I do need to make this right and I was actually advised to wait until he was no longer at the and so um I found him on Facebook I sent him a message he didn't respond I sent him another message and I I was very clear. You know, I'd like to make an amends to you for the hurtful things I said. And he responded. He goes, I understand. He goes but I'm really not interested in hearing it. And so I get it, right? Because sometimes we just wear people out. They're just not interested. I just don't care anymore. Like we've gone through this before. And what I said to him upon inventory because I had a resentment, right, it affects my self-esteem. I asked him to do something. He didn't do it. It affects my security. I feel that this guy is menacing. He has a different agenda. It effects my personal relations. I'm seeking to have harmony in this office. It affect my ambition. I don't know how it is I ended up at this company. I don't how it with the experience I have that this is the best I could do to be in this environment, right it affects my sex relations I don't feel like I'm an equal amongst my partner because I'm feeling like a failure because here's the deal in column one I'm pissed at this guy in column two because I feel that he just disregarded me as a as a human being but now that I'm getting into the you know how does it affect my personal relations my self-esteem my ambition, my pocketbook. It affects my pocket book because I hate working at this company but I can't afford to leave because even though I'm sending out resumes nothing else is biting. And so what that meant is when I go into column four, column four doesn't ask what is my part. It says we turn back to the list. We resolutely look for our own mistakes. Where were we to blame? That's what it says. Where was I selfish, self-seeking, dishonest and frightened? I was self- Seeking that I'm only thinking about me. I'm not thinking about whether anyone else is comfortable. I don't like being here, but I don' t have anything else so I have to stay. It's selfish of me to believe that everyone has to play by my rules. I'm dishonest because it's not him that I think as a has-been, it's me. I think I'm washed up. This is the best I can do. That's painful. And unless I'm trying to stay here, I'm never going to look at it. I'm just going to take all this anger, it's going to continue to build and I'm going to say that type of vicious, hurtful things that people don't even want to hear your amends. That's how hurtful that was to him. I wounded him. That is what I aimed to do because I was hurting. And then when I come back to sanity, I just want to make it right. He doesn't care. Where was I frightened? I'm frightened that I'll stay like this forever. That' s too much. It says without help it is too much for us it's too much i mean like i hate that he has not allowed me to make amends and my dear friend ron w that's who i was talking to about this because i was in the middle of transitioning from from sponsors ron said i want you to look at any other amends since you can't make this one right now look at many other amens that you owe and i was like okay all right apparently i I had some amends that I owed so grateful that they were available yeah that I have been mashing toes and I I had that opportunity yes and so that's hard my personality is an acquired taste it It is. I had to make peace with that a long time ago because not everyone has the type of challenges that I have. I have a very strong personality and I'm also coming from a lot of trauma so I don't know how you think I need to deal and process but how I deal and progress is my own journey and it's difficult. I was talking to Mimi before this and this isn't the other example I was going to give but i'm going to give it so my mother's a murderer she's a pedophile she's an abusive parent to my brother and sister i wasn't raised with her i was exposed to her repeatedly she's tried to kill me several times that thing and so um oh look wait spirit said lighten it up you know what i mean Because I was about to get way heavy. He was like, wait a minute. Wait a minute, let me prepare him. You know what I mean? Okay, thank you. Spirit has my back. I mean, to others you may look rude, but you know what it means to spirit? No. It's all perspective. I know you meant well. And so the year before last, I testified against my mom. No, I guess it was last year. She came up for parole. When my mother was on trial for the murder, she's killed three children, so we're clear. She's prosecuted for one. and so they were thinking of letting her out but she still won't acknowledge who the other child is in cement that's her signature she buries him in cement so anyway when my mother was on trial i was drinking and doing all this stuff i did i was uh pregnant no it was right before i got pregnant i wouldn't go to trial because i didn't want to deal with it and also because at this point, I was working the streets and I had no credibility. So people like me don't count. My voice is never heard, right? And I always regretted that because she comes up for parole periodically and I always felt if you had gone to testify against her, maybe she would have gotten life without the possibility of parole, right. It was my brother who actually turned her in because she made him help her bury the body and he just couldn't handle it. And he has dealt with this in his own way. And so when I was drinking, before my mother did what she did, I had never lived with my mom except once in my life. And I was on the streets. I'd left the record label and I'd left the second label. And everything, my parents had gone down and I was working the streets in a bad neighborhood in South Central, which is also where my mother lives. And And so I came in the house one day to call, we'll just say John, to confirm our appointment. And so my eight-year-old at the time, I guess she was seven because it was after I moved out that my mother killed her. So Latoya was seven years old. I'm on the phone. My mother had a big California King and I could see her lying down, right? lying on her back and she's very still which is weird because little children are never just so still and so her arm was outstretched so I'm waiting for him to pick up and I start crawling across the bed and I see that she's handcuffed to the nightstand why is she handcuffed to the nightstand I hang the phone up I'm pissed I go to find my sister I'm the oldest of three my sisters 12 years younger my brother's five years younger so at this time I was what 25 and so I go to find my sister and and I say why is Toya handcuffed oh no those aren't real handcuffs I have been to jail several times at this point they're real handcuff and so no no no I said I'm gonna go call the police I leave I go out the house I go to a phone booth back in the day I go to the phone booth and before I called the police because there was a warrant out for my arrest so I called my friend instead this is what's going on and blah blah blah and he said I'm sure if you talk to her she'll explain I'm sure it won't happen again blah blah blah so I didn't call the police I came back to the house my mother had returned and she had this whole story she had gotten rid of the handcuffs and and Latoya and they were playing school and and Rosie, my sister Rosalyn handcuffed her and no one in that house has authority to do anything when you are in an abusive household my mother is king, she is ruler she is the first and last word that is it, you can't do anything so Latoya, my sister would never have done that but I accepted it because there was a warrant out for my arrest years later when all this happened when she killed Toya right So I guess it was three years in between. I remember thinking if I would have called the police that day, what if I could have called them? Do you know what I mean? Do you not the shame? All of this I bring to you until I do an inventory. That is also why, because I sponsor, it is important to have a relationship. I've not always done well in this arena. Sometimes I'm just too harsh because I'm so frightened that they will have the experience I had. and I want them to get it. I want him to get now, and I've had to learn to bring spirit in, bring spirit, and bring spirit it, right? So I'm resentful at my mother for handcuffing Toya. It affects my self-esteem. How is it that I can be a part of a family that this would happen? It affects security. I can't trust anyone. I can talk to anyone. It affects personal relations that I never tried to defend this child. You know, illegitimate is always a word I use. I felt illegitimate it affects my ambition I'm not really who I think I am it affects my sex relations there's no way I can truly ever be intimate and expect someone to accept me as I am because I'm damaged, I'm broken I let a child die that's a lot that's what we're going to look at that's how you carry around that's allot and so we're gonna look at an inventory of, I've only shared, what, one thing that was recent. This, that was years ago, but my inventory had 50, 60 things on it. All that brokenness is occupying my spirit. There is no way I can have a partnership be one among many. I feel too inadequate. I feel Too Overlooked. They could not hear my voice because it was so distorted by my greed, by my fear, by self-preservation. I don't want them to arrest me so I'm not going to call the police this baby is handcuffed. I was selfish. I only thought about myself. I was dishonest. I rationalized why I wasn't calling the police. I was self-seeking. I just wanted this to go away. I was frightened that it would get worse and it did. right and so when i am taking someone through the inventory and we start listing self-esteem personal relations uh ambition pocketbook sex relations it's written out it isn't i'm just going to answer it affects two or three it affects all of them and i want you to write out longhand how i cannot be vague when we are talking about my life I cannot be vague when we are talking about my life period it was very difficult for me to look at that and because I'm going to move on to the fear inventory I don't want to leave you in this space so what I do today is I am a part of several organizations outside of Alcoholics Anonymous where I help children that have been physically and sexually abused right because here are the things there are certain things we may feel we can never make right but we have to try I can't say for sure that even the police were called multiple times talk to my brother he'll tell you they took them away they brought them back they took them way they brought him back the police were called over the years they didn't do anything then they gave her my additional cousins two of whom she's killed one was tutorial was a and then the other child that we don't know who it is right so it is important when I'm doing a resentment inventory that I am willing to go all the way through. It's easier for me to be pissed at you, but then you're responsible for my life. You're responsible for my happiness. She doesn't like me. What's wrong with me? She doesn' t like me maybe she's broken and she's going through her own deal in that area. I don't think we're ever completely broken. I think there are some parts of us that are still fractured and it takes a minute for them to be mended, right? The The reason it's important for me to do the resentment inventory before the fear is because I'm too pissed off to really get honest about my fears. So now that I've done the resentment inventories and I move into the fear inventory, the fear inventory is brilliant, oh my God. I hit a bottom at... Who gets excited about hitting a bottom? I hit bottom at nine years sober, wanted to drink, yeah! And so it was horrible. I was in a relationship, it was my first love. I'd never been in love before, ever in my life. I've been in many relationships. Someone was always saying they were in love. I'm sure I said it too, wanting to be a team player. You know? Wanting to contribute equally, right? But I'm not in love, I'm too grateful, period. I'm lying. And so this relationship didn't look like I thought it would look. It didn't feel like I thought it was supposed to feel. It hurt a lot. I cried all the time we beat the crap out of each other and we spoke horribly to each other and so I had brought spirit into all areas of my life except this one this one, I got it I'm going to take care of it and so this is how it manifested and ultimately when I left that relationship the obsession to drink had returned because of my conduct my conduct made me thirsty It didn't matter what I was telling you. It was what I wasn't telling you that was eroding my spirit, spiritual decay, right? Spiritual deformity. And so I then jumped into another relationship six days later, right, because that's how I heal. Thank you. And it was hideous and wretched, you know, and they were already in a relationship when we got together or whatever, you Know. Some people get so technical. but when I'm in untreated alcoholism I can't respect me so I can' t respect you I can''t respect your union and what this does is it reinforces all the things that I know are wrong about the world everyone cheats no everyone doesn''t cheat sweetie and so I ended up asking this individual to drink with me because I was just so checked out I was in so much pain and it was so dark And they said, yes, they would drink with me. But it was a sober household. That's why my date has never changed in 20-plus years. It was a sovereign household. How dare I ask another person to forfeit their life? Because my sobriety is my life. But when I'm in untreated alcoholism, my perception is distorted. So my way of thinking is, I'm thirsty, you're here. Would it not be rude of me to not offer you a drink? This is also why I can't hang out with everyone in Alcoholics Anonymous. We're not all here for the same reason. I was a walking liability. And so after coming through that relationship and then one more, right, which was equally toxic and violent and sick and the police were at my house, I lost all the women I sponsored, I went back to this process. I went through this process and when I did the fear inventory this time, I was taken through it in three columns. The fear, why I have the fear, but then column three, what it would look like in a healed state. Because it says we let God demonstrate through us, right, what he can do. And if I just turn my will and my life over to the care of God in step three, right before the third step prayer, it says, we were reborn. That means made anew. So why am I getting on my knees every morning and every evening if I don't think God is working? Why am I prepared to live in the feelings of inadequacy and not enough? That's crazy. I was so broken. And so when I did this inventory, I literally, all I could think of was drinking. I could feel alcohol being poured down my throat. It was that real. It was the most painful thing ever. And I started writing these fears. Because you think it's always like just about this. No, this is because of all of this that has not been addressed. I was afraid I was too broken to be loved. I was scared I was ugly to be love. I was fear because of the things that had happened in my family, no one would ever really want me to be a part of theirs long-term, right? Those are just a few. Those are the key ones that I like to share because they were the ones that hurt the most. And as I was writing all of these things, I felt I had broken my own heart. but it explained my behavior. If this is how I view myself, because we're not talking about what I'm telling you. We are talking about my true belief system. I have to be willing to examine these beliefs and hold them up to the light and see if they are credible, right? So if spirit can heal, when I say ugly, because people will go, oh no, you're not ugly. I'm not talking all that, sugar, right. There's always going to be a woman, bigger boobs, longer hair, bigger booty. We got it. right? Or flat, whatever your thing is, I don't care. And so I support you. You know what I mean? She's like, I do not want a big butt. Okay, sugar, do not have one. And so I know it is a fad right now, but it is okay. Not everyone has to subscribe. And so when I am talking about ugly, I mean spiritual deformity because the makeup does matter if you feel ugly, if you felt damaged. I felt I was too damaged and so what would this look like in a healed state right? So what it would look like in the healed state is I started to pull images of women that epitomized the type of life, the type of graciousness that I aspire to have. Sharon has always been one of those people. Like a living breathing thing we don't know how we we affect the lives of each other here. We don't know how these little hurts and pettiness can destroy someone who may just be hanging on in that moment. Last year was so painful for me. I was losing my cats were dying, my cats are my babies. I couldn't be there for my daughter. I was too busy being out there but I can be there for my cats. She was 16 1⁄2 she had mammary gland cancer. Four and a half months We walked through everything. I bandaged her, I cleaned her wound, and it grew to like the size of this thing and it was opened. And when I had to put her to sleep, she knew that I loved her. She knew she was safe. And then I got this kitten and he died after a month and a week. I came home and he was dead. And then I had very little money and I didn't know who and I Didn't know how to ask for help. I didn' t know how To ask for Help. I'd become prideful. I didn''t know. I didn ''t know that I kept calling these people my friends but I didn'T think I could call on them. And then I had to reevaluate who I was calling my friends. That changed last year, too. I turned 20. People were like, are you going to have a 20-year party? No, I'm not having a party. I don't want to sit down with these people. I didn't trust anyone. My world was distorted. The day after I turned 30, I had a drinking dream. That means you're going to have to let this go, Candace. You're goingto have to forgive anything and everything and everyone quickly the day after i turned 20 so it's hard so i stop calling everyone my friend now i just don't do it but i do have friends and it came from the most unexpected places you know what i mean spirit was there and is there and also i was mad at you for the decisions i made and that was really painful so when i started doing this inventory, what would it look like if it were healed and if I weren't broken? So I started coming from a place of honoring myself. I started coming from This is my truth. This is who I am. And so I started to have a confidence that hadn't been there before. I startedto come from a place where I didn't need to prove that I was okay and I'm not my mom and, like, all these things because the truth was, for years, my fear was that Iwas going to end up like her because I suffered from rage, that in a sober blackout I was going to kill people. It was why I didn'y want a child in my life. I thought, but what if I harm this child because I was violent in my relationships? it's easy to say I would never do this, I would never do that. I've said I would never do everything that I've done. I was terrified. It had to be healed. I had to fully let spirit in. And so column three, I did the fear inventory. I have jail panels. I have four panels. Two jail panels and two recovery home panels. In the jail panel, one of them I have about 80 girls, 70 to 80 girls. And so I said we're going to do a fear inventory workshop. and the way we did it is I had 10 girls two rows line up and so the first row would say this is my fear the person across from her would say if your fear were healed this is what it would look like right and when they didn't know what it looked like we took it to the group right and so they were putting their hands up and I always ask the women in jail to refer to each other as sister and I say what we share here because we get deep in our workshops right what we share here, you will not use against each other when we leave here. This is your sister. And so they would say, sister, sister. If it were healed, or they would say, Sister, you're so beautiful. If it were healed, and they was just so loving, we went over time, the sheriffs, because I've had this panel for a while, know me, and then there was someone, you know, you can't just get like boxes of Kleenex, so one girl appointed herself the tissue hander-outer, and she had gotten a roll of toilet paper and she had made little, because everyone was crying. And so she knew that when it was their turn to share, she would discreetly stand like this and they would share their fear. They would start crying. She would hand them the tissue and move to the next person. And so I'm just watching this and I'm like, look at God showing out. What? This is crazy. It was so powerful because I'm talking about there are women there. I don't say what have you done because I don't care. You didn't ask me what I did when I got here. You didn't care, you just said do what we do, you can have what we have. And so that fear inventory, I said you're going to do this by yourself, you're not going to have someone answering. I said but I want us to come together tonight. It was so powerful. I'm afraid that I'm gonna keep going in and out of jail. I am afraid that I am never going to know my children. They came hard with it. They trusted me because you have to have trust to bring that type of environment together. The fear inventory was, of all the inventories I did, the most powerful because it was running my life. So the fear, what it looks like, why I have it, and then if it were healed, what would that look like? What would that feel like? Start coming from that place. Don't allow anything else in. This is my truth. Do you believe God can and will? Yes, then act like it. Let's go. Right? the sex inventory oh it's so juicy I want to tell you all but I can't and so uh but trust me it was going down yeah and so uh sober and so now I'm like a nun and uh forced into early retirement anyway so you get morals and all of a sudden you don't have anyone to date you know what I mean when I was a slut there was always people there it was like hey let me tell you my last name I don't need to know it, come on so the sex inventory was really painful the first inventory I did with Gloria Gloria Decker was 17 and a half pages long I couldn't put it in columns because I had worked the streets I didn't know how to format it. And she said, say a prayer and just ask, you know, to reveal anything that has caused you shame, right? And so I would come from there because I didnít have names, so I Would talk about instances that had happened and how they left me. And what came out of that is that I was a taker, that I Was never entering a relationship to be a partner among partners. It was always what I could get from you. Years later, when I was nine years sober and I went back through the work, you know, I answered the questions. Where have I aroused jealousy, suspicion, bitterness, and doubt? This is what I do when I feel insecure, when I fill in adequate. There's no other way I can operate. I am not coming from a place of maturity. I'm coming from that place of that child that was in and out of foster homes that still feels overlooked, that still fills that I'm not your number one, and so I have to constantly make you prove to me that you love me because I don't understand that it has to come from myself first. I don't understand that I need to be enough for me before I can require me to be enough for you, right? And so I started answering those questions and then it asks me where have I been inconsiderate when I said hello You thought, and I can see how you would think it, but you thought oh my gosh she said hello. We're going to work together No. I need you to be cute, be freaky, have money and hold my coat. Thank you And so I need to know your opinion, what you think, and certainly don't oppose me ever. And then ask me, whom had I hurt? That's painful because I'm not writing whom had i hurt, meaning this person again. Who else has suffered the fallout? Are there children that are witnessing all of this insanity, especially when it's sober? It's painful when you write a sober inventory because you want to blame it on the alcohol and anything else, and you can't. This is who I am sober. That's not going to work. We need some help. Please help me. I'm open, right? So just when I feel despondent, I feel this can't still be who I Am, this can'T still be my truth, the big book does what it always does. It says, come with me. get up candace come with me it meets me where i am it doesn't talk down to me but it also doesn't lie to me the big book is conditional it isn't you can have this and do nothing if you have to do what we we do right a practical program of action it meets me where I am and then it lifts me up it asked me the game-changing question what could I have done differently what I thought we were going to roll like this to the end of the earth, right? You mean I can do something different. Here's the thing. It's easy to talk about it. It is much more difficult to hold your own self accountable to your own dreams, your own value system. So that's why I make you responsible for my life and I get pissed off when you're not doing what I need you to do. But I haven't even truly asked myself, what is it that need what is it that I need and the reason I won't ask myself that is because either I'm too lazy or I'm to afraid to move into that space of owning the answer how can I work harder for a relationship with you than I will for my own truth so what could I have done differently when I when I got into the relationship where that person was already in a relationship you know I I used to think when someone was cheating on their spouse, right, and they would approach me, it was because I was just so cute. I didn't understand that when you are suffering from low self-esteem, not you, when I am suffering from lower self-esteem, that I will take scraps and try to make it a banquet. I didn' t understand that they are disrespecting me. When you come from where I come from, my mom and my dad were crazy together. I was talking to my dad. Oh, other story. I'm not going to get into it. Out of time. But I was talking to my dad. My dad was a pimp for many, many years and manager for many many years. And he managed those women with an iron fist. And so anyway when my father and my mom were together they would fight all the time. And so he was like I left your mom because she shot me. And I said well in all fairness you did crack her skull with an RC bottle. You know what I mean? So anyway, all I'm saying is that my blueprint of relationships, if you will, isn't coming from whatever the fake TV shows are. It's coming from this is really how it works. And no one in my family was ever faithful. If they were, I didn't know about it, right? So I had to relearn everything. What could I have done differently? I didn'T understand that on some level I had just accepted the lie that I can't do anything differently. And I don't understand why things aren't working out. Inventory is crucial, it is crucial it is everything, it's crucial. And so I get to answer that and then we go into the ideals list. My ideals list were not a lot because I didn't think very much of myself and I didn' t know that. I was arrogant because I was insecure. Arrogance is simply overreaching. It's a substitute, it' s a camouflage for feeling insecure and inadequate. And so I started to really look at that list and hold myself accountable. Because remember, I've gone through the resentment inventory, I've taken a look at some things, but I understand that that's not how I live today. I understandthat I'm a sober, respected individual. I've looked at those fears, butI believe that spirit can heal everything, and so I'm going to come from a place that all of these things that used to plague me have been healed. So now that I'm looking at the sex inventory, even though it's painful, I've already started the healing process and the momentum that it's gained. I don't want to stop. Let's go and make a dream list, right? What do you want in a partner? I want a partner that I can pray with. That is the top priority rating. I share it because it is non-negotiable. If we cannot pray together, we cannot lay together. Period. Period. Period. It's amazing how many strangers I slept with. It doesn't matter if I knew them from the rooms for years. We had nothing in common. We were not spiritually compatible. It says where two or three are gathered, how is it that I can do everything and I don't want spirit in the midst? I'm going to close this out in a couple of minutes because I have until 1130. Sure. Don't get in front of all these women. Now all of a sudden it's like, oh, yeah. No, you said I had until 11. Come on now. uh so we're gonna do baskets um you look stunning again I just want to throw that out there so uh but you're married and I don't live like that anymore so there we go yeah I will pray for me so uh so you know when I when I'm looking at all of this brokenness and I really start holding myself accountable. I remember being in a sex shop, not going to get specific, but I think we all were clear. So I was in a sec shop and they were playing music and you're not really even listening. You're there to get what you get. But this gospel song came on. Now that I heard because I was like, oh, I'm in a set shop and that's a gospel song. And so I thought, okay, you know, I mean, I like gospel music. So it was odd that we're playing there. But so there are certain people that got really pissed off and they went up because by the time I was ready to check out with my purchases they were let given the cashier an earful and you can't play that type of music and so what I did because what I used to do is what the popular opinion was I would go with it it's not necessarily my truth but when I go with popular opinion I don't have to think for myself right everyone says this person acts like that is that your experience with them so you're gonna you're gonna kick this person to the curb when they've never harmed you because everyone says they do this are you kidding me come on now so they're talking about gospel music and I asked myself is the way I live shameful meaning what I do am I doing it with someone whom we are compatible, we are in agreement, we are an alignment? The answer is yes. What I do, we're in agreement. We are compatible. We are in alignment. Spirit is present whatever I do. I'm not ashamed of how I live. I believe whatever I like, if you like it too and we say it's okay, it's OK. So it's O.K. for me to be in the sex shop. It's OK. So I can listen to gospel music. What they're saying is I'm doing something bad and I don't want to hear something good because it makes me feel bad right so if you're if this is bad don't come in here there's mail order cuz you know you're gonna buy it you know what I mean come on now we're all grown so so when I start looking at the ideals list it's important what we're talking about today is important I don't like I don' t talk to a lot of people because they want to do small talk. I don't do small talk. There are children dying, there are women being beaten right now. I didn't use my voice for such a long time because I was so busy needing you to give me what I wanted because I didn t think I could get it on my own so I could never speak my truth. That's done. That s done, pal. That s a wrap. It's over. I stand for something today. Right? And if we're talking about me entering into a union with another individual, I need to get clear I want someone I can pray with that we can hit our knees we can hold hands and we can invite spirit into our lives because I am no longer a transient subject that you can hook up with for a few months I am an investment until I start treating myself like an investment I will not yield the return that a good investment should yield period I come from an industry where we talk return on investment period that is how my life grows if I am NOT closing deals and they are not seeing a return on investment I will not keep those deals I will NOT be able to grow my book of business so this is my life I want someone that is ambitious that is charitable, that is honest, that is supportive, that I can frolic with that I could cry with that I couldn't trudge with that I just be with and know that I am safe and everything that I was asking for I then had to become I never knew that before I just wanted you to bring it all here you know people go I want a good man, I want a good woman but are you that do you view yourself not just the knee jerk reaction Of course I am. No, what do you really think in the stillness, in the quiet space when no one is there? Is that how you view yourself? Because if it's not, let's start working toward it. And so in closing, when my girls are giving me an inventory, I also have them write their goals, the type of woman they admire, the typeof woman they wish to be because we're not just going to leave it off with all of that stuff. We're going to bring it full circle, right? This isn't an inventory of how bad and broken I am. It's a complete picture. It is, I want to meet God. I want to sit with God and be comfortable. I don't want to hide out. Thank you so much for letting me share. We have questions. Thank you, ladies. okay so we're just going to go through the questions in a for a few minutes we're probably not going to answer them all because we want to be done by 11 30 okay all right and so understand that i'm only going to ask you a question something i have experience with right seems like i thought i would feel the immediate relief after the fourth and fifth step, so many talk about that feeling. I didn't feel it. Does it mean I was not thorough enough? If you feel that there's something still in your spirit that has been left unsaid, then the answer is yes, right? It isn't that you're supposed to feel immediate relief. I did not feel immediately relieved in four and five. I felt relieved in step nine four and five made me a member but step nine made me a woman how do I trust in walking through fear in four and five that this higher power I think I know can help me you know have a sponsor that you trust the importance of I didn't talk about the fifth step you know the importance for me of having a sponsor that I can trust I recently made a sponsor change. Debbie D from Concord is my sponsor, and she is someone that I feel I can take everything to. My former sponsor was someone that i trusted for the time I was in that relationship, and so it is in building that relationship that I also begin to trust my higher power because I'm looking at facts. I'm not looking at the fear of what if I can't, what if i can't. Look at the evidence around you. When we say fact-finding, fact-facing process, look at the evidence around you. If you look for God, Massoon said this, we were in New York together about a month ago, I looked for God everywhere and I found God everywhere. So when we're looking for fear, you're looking für fear everywhere and you're going to find it everywhere. Look for God Everywhere. I loved that. I'ma post that later too. Anonymously, heard shared. You know what I'm talking about. So how do I figure out what I am keeping off my fourth when I can't remember stuff. I know it's there. I just want, I just wanted to come to me to write down. You know, there were things I couldn't remember off the back and that's why getting yourself into the habit of writing outside of inventory, I do pen to paper period. And I do that because the, you know, Sia talked about it beautifully last night. The disease centers in our mind. So I want to clear out the clutter so I can move into my gut. The problem is in my head. The solution is in my gut. In my gut is where I find God, right? So just start putting pen to paper. Just get it out. Don't format it. Don't reread it, and then always say a prayer. Invite spirit into your life throughout the day. Reveal to me what I need so that I can be as thorough as possible because I want to stay here. I want to stick with you, and I want help your children and myself in any way I possibly can right how do you forgive the most different stuff in life how are you able to move on in your own life so that would be my mom that keeps coming up I have forgiven her and then I see people who have great relationships with their mom, and I get angry. I don't just get angry that she wasn't what I needed her to be. I get angry that she's so sick and that she is not remorseful. Do you know what I mean? And so I just turn my attention to those I can help. And how I even got in touch with my mother, I didn't contact her until I was five and a half years sober. It's because of the women I sponsored. I kept loving these women and bringing God into our relationship and seeing these women grow and develop and soar, and I couldn't keep loving them and hating her. So it just hurts. What she's done hurts. I don't know if you know what it feels like to have a mother that's done what she's done. It really hurts bad. And I don' t always feel like, that's why when I have people that I think are my friends and I can trust and I find out I can't, it hits me in a different space. And so I'll give you something. Recently I could not shake this person's hand. I made a decision and made some changes, but I wouldn't say hi to them. I would just avoid them on Wednesday night. And I talked to Debbie and she said, you know, of course the sponsors say well what I'd like to see. She's always so gracious. You know, if you pray on it. I said, well I prayed on it laughter And this is what I think, right? But when I take it to her, because this has been going on since you know for a while and so um i said i'm gonna really pray on it because she talks about being able to shake everyone in the room's hand so now i have to do this weekend oh okay got it so uh letting all the resentments go again and so i i went up to shake their hand and it was so like uneventful you know what i mean but i didn't want them to think that they won You know what I mean? That's why they want to shake their hand. And so it's like, did they win or are you getting free? Ooh, that was deep. I'm going to leave it like that. I like when I'm deep. It doesn't always happen. When it does, it's beautiful. Okay. Why not take a real moment of silence before the serenity prayer? Okay, we'll do that. That was her question. That was a resentment on paper. you can see it right that wasn't a real moment earlier I don't feel centered at all okay I get you sugar I know we could take a moment find me we'll take a moment do you put you on your fourth step I have there was a guy who said I don'T put me first on my list and all that type of stuff you know I put myself first on my men's list and myself first on this put myself 1st on all these things that's why I have all this stuff happening to begin with, right? I'm just so greedy. I want to take care of me, then I'll take care of you. Funny that there's an endless pit of me. But when I take care of you, I seem to be filled up. I don't even know why that is. But there was a guy, he would always say, there's going to come a day when your name is going to be the only name on your inventory. And here's the thing. your name is still in my inventory but I do know that it is me that I'm getting to right you are only manifestations of me I have met myself in almost everyone I've ever met different parts of myself we're going to leave it there thank you again ladies applause applause applause applause applause Thank you.