Why 270 Meetings in 90 Days Didn’t Work – John K.

All right. I'm John Kelly, Grateful Recovered Alcoholic. And my sobriety date is September the 4th, 99, and for that I am very, very grateful. You know, I'm not one of these dudes that go around, well, I got me a little job today. I'm so grateful. Look what God has done. I got me a hot little girlfriend I'm so grateful look what God has done God wants to see me in action so what better way for me to show the God of my understanding my gratitude than to get off my butt and take this program to somebody who was dying just like I was that's how I show God my gratitude and for that I am very, very grateful and forthat I am free kind of limpy here we'll get to that in my story in a little bit my buddy my buddy michael in the back is like going i knew you'd go there all right so thanks for having me this has been a long time planning heidi contacted us like in 2015 and asked us, so that's pretty cool. And I, you know, it's my first time in Minnesota. I've actually flown through the airport before, but I never got out of the airport, so this is cool. So thanks for having us. Thank you. I did not look like this when I got here September the 4th, 1999. I did Not. Y'all remember that actor Nick Nolte? Remember, he got busted for DWI a few years ago. Remember that crazy picture they had? I made him look frigging good. Meyer said it looked like a rat had licked my hair and made it stick up out of the gutter. I am a big book thumper. I'm from Primary Purpose Group in Dallas, Texas. I'm very grateful about that. um I'll just jump right into my story I'm the first kid I was the first grandkid on both sides of my parents right I had two sets of twins below me I was like the test kid and um they bonded and stuff and I'm like odd man out but um you know I had a pretty normal childhood you know we moved around a lot so I was always like the new guy and I'd get adjusted and then would move again. And, you know, I had, I made great grades. I played every sport. I was damn good at all of them. Had the best shoes, the best clothes, good grades on paper. I looked like a pretty sharp kid on the inside. Like our previous speaker, it was nuts. I wasn't sure if I was going to be nuts. You know, and the whole room could be telling me how great I'm at, but my brain is telling me, you suck. And that's just how I grew up. And there was no alcoholism in my immediate family. My dad drank a lot. He left me and my mom when I was a baby. So I didn't grow up with him. She remarried. And I'd heard the stories about my dad, don't be like your dad. We also had Uncle Melvin in my family tree or branch, whatever, how you want to look at it. Uncle Melvin bled out on the front porch of a gastric hemorrhage due to alcoholism don't be like uncle melvin but it was never an issue because nobody drank in my family and i was at we lived in miami florida i'm 15 years old i'm at this tennis camp getting ranked doing all that stuff playing tournaments all over the place i'm 16 years old with another little boy from new york city he was 15 we had three older women. They were like 17, and we had a free night on this Saturday night at this tennis camp, and the girls decided it'd be a cool idea if we had some beer, and I don't know where this came from me, but I immediately rose to the occasion and said we'd get the beer, never mind the fact that we don't have driver's license, vehicles, anything. So me and Peter, we ran two miles, you know the story uphill both ways we ran to this convenience store i got a case of budweiser put it on the counter the guy looked at me like my head was on fire i immediately arose the occasion again and told them our story about being at the tennis camp with these three older women back at the crib and he said meet me out back i met him out back I gave him a twenty dollar bill he gave me the budweizer we ran it back to the tennis can't put it in the bathtub put it all nice called the girls they came up to the room and we started drinking that Budweiser I don't know if it was the first Budweizer the second Budweitzer but suddenly I had arrived all of a sudden I was hip slick and cool all of the sudden I had answers to questions that hadn't even been asked All of a sudden, those chicks dug me. I had arrived. And that was magical. I remember seeing a pair of 17-year-old boobies that night, and that was about all she wrote. And a pattern had been set. And I don't know, you know, I just met a whole bunch of you. Yes, I don' t know your stories, and I'm not like some of you knuckleheads, I didn't get in trouble early on. From the time I was 15 until I was about 25, alcohol was the best thing in my life. It friggin' worked. It made a good day better. It made it a crappy day tolerable. It fixed everything. You know, and it just, I was good at it. I was the kid in high school that faked everybody's IDs, we're getting in clubs all over Dallas and it was just magical, magical, magic. but over that time you know my drinking progresses and stuff and friendships go by the wayside my saint and mama's getting on my case about my drinking they're getting a little concerned I remember going to a psychologist or psychiatrist with her and I'm on got my game face on I am lying through my teeth about how much I drink I'm like I'm ratcheting way down I think your son has an alcoholic problem you know and I just keep on going and I go from university to university. See, I set my sights on a university just like I would do on a girl and I would work my tail off to get what I needed to get. And as soon as I got it, I'm like, well, this sucks. Got to go to the next one. And then, you know, I am all over the place and friendships are going by the by and it is just not working out. And I am fast forwarding through a whole lot of stuff, but I am starting to see some consequences. I am wrecking some vehicles not mine you know so if I relapse you need to borrow your car probably not a good idea yeah so it was like 1988 is in the summer I'm in between universities my little relationship my little toxic relationship slash hostage situation I was not a good hostage negotiator. I was a good hostage taker, but that's all, you know, that's not working out real well, and my aunt, my mom's sister was an Alcoholics Anonymous in Dallas, and I don't know where it came to me. I don'T know. I DON'T know where IT came, but I thought maybe I need treatment. I Don'T know, did they have Schick centers up here? You old-timers would know. Back in Dallas I DONT even know if they still exist, but they had these treatment centers called the Schick Center and basically they made you drink a lot and you threw up and they thought a bad experience would help you but anyway they used to have these I digress they had these great commercials in Dallas back in the day and it'd be like you know a couple smiling and running through the meadow and come to Schick's Center and turn your life around at the end of the commercial they would have these questions like do you drink in the morning and all this stuff and I remember being like 25 years old by myself watching television lying to the television and it says you may have a drinking problem and I'm like oh my god so I called my saint and mom I said you know what I think I need treatment and you'd have thought I won powerball she was like oh hallelujah praise God we've been praying blah blah blah come to the house we'll get you into treatment blah blah so that was treatment center number one and it was one of those nice treatment centers you you know, those $30,000 big book treatment centers. Co-ed, they had basketball and tai chi and swimming and all the chicks still had all their teeth. It was a good treatment center is all I'm saying. And they had people from AA coming in and doing meetings and then we'd get in the little white vans and go out to outside meetings and, you know, the coffee's good and the people were friendly and they tell you to get a sponsor and meeting makers make it. 90 meetings in 90 days and all that stuff. And I don't know how they do it here in Minnesota but in Dallas, so I get out of treatment and I'm back in Dallas. I got to go to meetings, right? 90 and 90. And I Don't Know How They Do Meetings Here but in Dallis they have these things called discussion meetings and the one that I was going to because I'm, you now, I'm full of myself so I gotto go to the fancy pants one in Dallas where everybody dresses nice and stuff and everything and everybody's hip slick and cool and all that stuff and it was a real big meeting and then they would have like a chairperson who would think up of a topic and then the chairperson would cruelly and maliciously go around the room and pick out on people to have them talk and I don't like talking in front of people. Y'all freak me out kind of and it wasn't a good thing but it was an awful, awful experience And I just remember in those meetings, and I'm a frigging meeting maker, you know. And my early impression of AA, or actually 11 years of AA is old farts sitting around a table just, I'm just glad to be sober today. And it sucked, you Know? I'm hearing about this guy's divorce for the umpteenth time and this and that. And I'm like, y'all got problems. and I couldn't stay, you know? I mean, I don't need that. I know how to be miserable. I can do that on my own and I got a cool job and I ended up drinking myself out of the job. I was getting ready to travel the world with this company and it just didn't work out and next thing you know, I end up in San Juan, Puerto Rico and I don' t know if y'all have ever been there but rum is very, very cheap. outside issues are very very very pure and there's a whole bunch of women and I had nothing to keep me in check and it was full throttle and I it was on and I'm drinking a couple bottles of Bacardi black rum every day and I hate rum but it's cheap I figured out why the straw was invented when I was in Puerto Rico because in the mornings I was shaking so violently I couldn't pick up those little plastic cups, not these clear ones but those opaque ones. Anywhere you go in Old San Juan you get a little cup like that and you give them 50 cents and they fill it full of rum anywhere you go. Early in the morning shaking violently I couldn't pick up those cups they have straws. Put the straws in there drink a few cups of that, get the edge off i'm drinking myself silly my buddy at the time my best friend at the time was just watching me go down the tubes and and um i knew i was getting on his nerves and he and his girlfriend were going to somewhere for a week and i said hey when you get back i'll be clean i'll be sober and i kicked kicked that was on a sunday i stopped it was awful monday i could barely walk I couldn't keep anything down, couldn't keep water down, coconut juice nothing. It was awful by Wednesday I thought I had turned the corner and I remember sitting in our apartment in Old San Juan, the doors are open, the ocean's crashing on the rocks, it's just awesome and I start to hear the sounds and the loud music and the conversations that were non-existent And from that Wednesday night until Saturday morning, that was my first trip down Delirium Tremens Lane. I had people that knew me said they saw me during that time walking around Old San Juan with just a pair of Nike running shorts on, barefoot with a butcher knife. It gave me wide berth. They called me the crazy gringo. And that was My First Trip Through DTs, and I did it more than once. i somehow made it to a meeting that night that saturday night there's a place called the serenity club it's been around since the 50s and i went to that meeting and i think andy this guy andy aponte drew the short straw so he took me under his wing and and he was like the first guy i'd ever met in alcoholics anonymous that was on fire i mean this guy was friggin plugged in man and i'd go he would go he'd take me surfing and would get on his little boat and go out to the grief, and we were reading a big book, and he's giving me some hope. And I'm kind of, you know, not doing it the way we do it at Primary Purpose, but he's given me some hope, right? And I, you know, and I'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. And I remember him, I think I was coming up on 60 days, and he said, you know, and I got to go to the meeting, and he said are you coming to the meeting tonight? And I said yeah. He goes well it's birthday night. And I said I know. And he says well you're getting your chip. And I said I know I said I'll be there. He said great because We're all going to go out to dinner afterwards, my treat, and you'll be there. And I'm like, I'll see you in an hour. Every intention in the world, not a cloud on the horizon. I get cleaned up, get my little backpack. I'm walking through old San Juan to catch the bus to go across the bridge to Condado. And I hear, Mira, JK. And I look around, and it's two girls. I know they're like acrobatic kind of girls. They were dancers. you have to be friendly, right? So I stopped to say hello. I stopped to say hello and the next thing you know I'm coming out of like a six or seven day blackout. You know um I deteriorated rapidly my buddy had to call my mom back in Texas and say you got to get him off this island he's going to die here and she sent him the money she didn't trust me sent him the money to get me an airplane ticket and I flew back to Dallas by then I think I'm 31 or 2 now I'm living with my mom, driving her car spending her money, all my good stuff is gone it sucks and I start going to some meetings up in north of Dallas and Denton a little outpatient thing there this little big book guy takes me under his wing I make a beginning there's this girl at this group it's kind of a big group that I was going to everybody in the group wanted this girl I got the girl and we started going to meetings together and AA dances together and we're doing the thing and everything's cool for a few months the goose hangs high until it's a couple days before Christmas and she don't want to play ball anymore and I know I'm screwed because I ain't doing nothing. I'm just going to meetings and I remember going into Gainesville, Texas to a little meeting. There's a lot of old sobriety there. I know these cats and all I got to do is walk up to one of these old timers and say hey you got a minute because I Ain't Doing So Hot but that ain't me, I walk in and tell everybody Merry Christmas and sit down. And they decided since it's a couple days before Christmas and all these family members are in town they'd have a little gratitude meeting and they're going around the room and Jim Bob Sr.'s happy because Jim Bob Jr.'s in from Poduck, Oklahoma and he's got 33 days of sobriety and ain't Jesus glorious and I get up and go to the bathroom and I look at my watch and it's like 8.47 and the liquor stores close at 9 and I walk straight past all that sobriety out the front door to the liquor store I don't mess around with pints I get the 1.75s of Skol vodka and pop out that little plastic pour spout they got in the top and I drink and my mama got to come home on Christmas Eve to find me blacked out and I did that two Christmases in a row I'm done with her she's done with me my family's done I had another relative let me crash at his house in Plano, North Dallas and I'm just I'm in bad shape I cannot not drink and this little place I was going to a meeting there I decided I'm gonna put 90 meetings and 90 days to the test So I went to 270 meetings in 90 days. I went through the noon, the 6th, the 8th. Day 91, day 92, I'm looking for a tall building and a sniper rifle because this ain't working out too well. I can't stay sober. I ain't getting it. I ended up in another treatment center in South Dallas called Homeward Bound. It ain't a nice treatment center. it's a rough treatment center you get it's rough and um i almost died in their detox i had went into seizures and ripped the lining underneath my tongue under seizures i mean i'm bad bad shape and um I remember on a Friday night the guys were down for a smoke break I'm still in scrubs they're having to hold me up because I can't stand on my own and they tell us we got grouped that night and I lean over to this guy I'm like well what kind of group you got on Friday night and he says we got an AA and I thought crap this sucks and these two old-timers from primary purpose group came in that night Myers R. and Cliff Bishop, and the old man gets up and starts frothing at the mouth. Doctor's opinion this, doctor's opinion that, doesn't even turn to the page, and I had never heard this crap, and I'm locked in, and then he passes it off to Myers-Ramer, and Myers gets up there and starts frothin' at the month, and my holy crap, and go up to the old man afterwards. He's got one of his proteges there. This guy takes me under his wing, and while I'm in that treatment center we start to go through the steps, and my life starts to change and they're feeding it to me I get out of treatment I'm crashing out at one of my brother's house sleeping on his sofa got to drive all over town to get where I ever needed to get now by then I'm thousands and thousands of dollars in debt all the friends I had are long gone my family is hanging on by a thread all I got to do is do the work they're feedin' me the truth and I can't get out on my own way because it sucks and I just feel it coming on And I remember being at our Thursday night meeting, saying the Lord's Prayer after the meeting and walking right past everybody out to the liquor store because I got a drink. And it gets ugly fast. This is at the end of 1998, so 99 rolls around January, February. I'm in six emergency rooms, alcohol-related. Parkland Hospital never, ever wants to see me again because I'm smart. I figured out how to, Parkland, you could, they got to take everybody. And you might wait in line six, seven, eight hours before they call you. But I figured, I figured it out if you go in and complain of chest pains, front of the line. And I had planned ahead at this one time. I had my little backpack and I had dumped out all the water in my water bottle and filled it up with vodka. So I jumped to the front of line. They get me into ER. I'm damn near dead of alcoholism and they're hooked up to all these IVs and all this stuff and the doctor catches me drinking vodka out of the water bottle they don't dig that and um that's just the way I lived you know and I don't I didn't get all remorseful because I relapsed and called my mates back at primary purpose and like that's why God invented booze fight through that guilt and shame and remorse drink through it and I did and I had this little job in the design district I'm hanging artwork and chandeliers and like all these mansions all over Dallas and little did they know and um they didn't fire me that my boss his brother was an alcoholic so they kind of took pity on me. I'd somehow saved a little money and I got this little garage apartment in this old nice little neighborhood in Dallas, not too far from my work. I had just moved in. I cannot stay sober a lick. I'm going to meeting to meeting the meeting. I mean, they don't even clap anymore. You know, they're just like, I think he's been drinking. He smells, you know? I'm that guy. I'm that guy that, I know people, because my sponsor told me. I know that people looked at me like, you ain't going to make it. This dude's going to die drunk. And so the summer of 99 rolls around. I'm drinking myself silly. I'm praying every day, God don't let it happen again. Don't let het happen again, and I got to be at the liquor store at 10 o'clock to get vodka because my hands are shaking so bad, and my brain tells me, you're going to go into DTs again, dude, and I can't do it. it's just relentless and i'm a very bad taperer i can't taper my drinking so i never went to work hardly on mondays that was just par for the course and so somewhere in the end july of 99 somewhere towards the end of the month i didn't go to work on monday and i'M TRYING TO TAPER THROUGH MY VODKA THRU ON MONDAY SO I COULD GET TO WORK ON TUESDAY I OVERSHOT THE MARK and I woke up hungover and shaking violently on Tuesday and I called in sick on Tuesday my boss is kind of giving me the business over the phone I tried to taper on Wednesday and I overshot the mark and I had to call in sick on Wednesday and now he's really on me and I just had it up to here and I'm like you know what screw you screw your little company I'm out and I remember hitting my knees and just crying And I'm just like had this pathetic prayer to God, you know, oh, God, maybe my death will help somebody else because I can't say it's over. But I knew I'm like that close to dying. And I said, make it happen, God. I'm in. And the only time from then until Labor Day weekend that I left that little garage apartment was to get down to Industrial Boulevard and get as many plastic bottles of Skull Vodka as I could carry. and get back to my house, lock the door, and guzzle that vodka as fast as I could. And I would black out, come to relentlessly, day in, day out. And it was awful. And I kept coming to. Labor Day, Friday of Labor Day weekend, I came to, I'm covered in blood and I haven't been stabbed That's just me. My house smells like something has died in it, and that's just me. And I got plastic skull vodka bottles everywhere, and I'm looking around, taking an evaluation of the situation, and I broke down, and now I know I'm screwed because I don't want to die drunk. I don't remember this, but apparently I called my old sponsor at Primary Purpose, Matthew. And he's like, hey, I hadn't heard from you in nine months. We're going to Homeward Bound tonight. Want me to call you? All chipper and stuff. I don'T know what I told him, but I don' t know what I told them. But apparently I had somehow called one of my brothers. You know, my family was done with my family has hit their all-time lows because of my alcoholism and they don't drink you know and so my brother Joel one of the twins is at Fort Worth right up to I-30 from where I live he's in Fort Worth going to seminary getting his master's in theology now I don't know if any of y'all are the oldest you got younger brothers but you know they look up to us as we're growing up because we teach them stuff and you know I showed him how to do stuff. And I'm John, you know, John Kelly, big brother. So my brother gets to come in that day and I'm like 30 pounds underweight and I smell like somebody has died. That's what he gets to walk in on. He's like, dude, we got to get you to the hospital. I said, they ain't going to take me at the hospital? He said, well, go to Parkland. They got to take it. I Said, they ain't taking me, buddy. He was like, well what do I do? And I said well if I start seizing up or hearing music call the ambulance and he took me back to his house in Fort Worth and that was my last detox and it was god-awful it was rough no meds you can die from this and it bad bad bad and somewhere during that weekend that little boss that I had offended and quit on he had left me a voicemail saying that there was a project that came in the owners were in Europe for the month and they needed me desperately the day after Labor Day to work this project and since I had like $21 to my name I went back to work that Tuesday and I'm shaking I'm sweating toxins out of my body my brain is screaming for vodka. My brain is telling me dude, you're going to die all day long. Matthew, Chipper Matthew is calling me periodically through the day. You're coming to the meeting tonight. It's mathematically impossible to do 90 meetings in 90 days at Primary Purpose Group because we only have three meetings a week. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays at 7.30pm. Big book studies on Tuesdays and Thursdays and step speakers on Saturdays, right? And I said, dude I'll be there. I'll be there at 5 or 530 he calls me one more time and I see it and I'm like oh my God. I'm like dude I'm coming. He's like change your plans. I am not going to be there Rachel is having a baby you go see Cliff. I said okay. He said don't go home don't get cleaned up just go straight there. For the first time I did that. I followed direction. I got a big gulp on the way and I went to this meeting and I walk into this church and the old man is across the room pouring up a cup of coffee and he sees me and he makes a beeline towards me and I got to be the tough guy shaking and vibrating brain screaming for vodka and he comes up to me and i give him a hug and i said i'm supposed to talk to you and he looks at me over like the top of his glasses like your grandpa does when he means business and he goes what the hell can i do for you and by then i'm kind of snotting and crying and I don't want to die drunk. And he says, follow me. And we went to this other little room in this church where we do foundation meetings and he sits me down and the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous takes place. Because I'd heard his story before but the old man starts identifying with me. He starts asking me some questions about me. Telling me some stuff about him, right? Speaking the language of the heart. He gets me right where he needs to get me and he points directly at me and says, are you a real alcoholic? alcoholic and by then I'm full-on snotting and crying yes sir I'm a real alcoholic and he says you're screwed you're gonna die drunk look at you he didn't do it to scare me it's the freaking truth and he said do you believe it works for me I was like well yes sir well does it work for Myers and Ed and Darren, those people out there? Yes, sir. Damn right it does. If it didn't work, they'd be playing bingo in this church tonight. He said, how well is your way working? And I said, it's not. And he says, excellent. I'm now your sponsor. And I went, crap. I had like Chipper Matthew, and now I get this guy. And he says, I'm now your sponsor. And you're going to read what I tell you to read, go where I tell you to go, do what I tells you to do, which is in the first 164 pages of this book. And the minute you balk, go away. And I said, yes, sir. He said, let's go get you a desire chip. And as we were walking out of the room, he says when you get home, I need you to start reading through the doctor's opinion. If you can't sleep, I want you to see where you relate. And I said, okay. He says, when you go to bed tonight, I need you to hit your knees and look up at your ceiling and just say thank you for giving me another shot. And I thought, okay, and I got my last desire chip. And I got home, andI got cleaned up, and I called my sainted mama, and she said, did you go the meeting? I said I went to the meeting. Did you see your sponsor? Was Matthew there? And I say, well, he wasn't there. And you could hear her hopes fall. because she knew who Matthew was. And I said, it's okay. I said I got a new sponsor. And she goes, who's your sponsor? And I say Cliff Bishop. And she starts crying. And I says, why are you crying? She says, because I've been praying. And I go, well that's cool. I said. I got some reading to do and I got to say a prayer to my ceiling. Don't ask. I said i'm kind of scared of the old man. I'll talk to you tomorrow and I got cleaned up and I read this stuff he told me to read and I remember getting in front of my filthy little sofa that I slept on and I remember looking up at my ceiling and just saying thank you for giving me another shot and when I laid down to try to go to sleep that night I'm laying there for a few minutes and after a couple minutes I had this little thought go across my head is like dude we don't got to drink no more and I don't know where that came from and i got up the next day and i called cliff like he asked me to do and we talked about the doctor's opinion and stuff he gave me some more stuff to read and he said hey i'm speaking tonight at the casa group at seven o'clock be there at 6 30 click didn't ask if i had time on my way any of that stuff so i get there he doesn't even talk to me till after the meeting we meet in the parking lot we go over the stuff that i read he gaveme some more stuff to read, and he says, I'll see you tomorrow night. I call him the next morning. My second meeting at primary prayer was called the next day. He said, you're coming to the meeting tonight, right? I'm like, absolutely, right? And he says cool on your way to the meeting. I need you to stop by Salvation Army and pick up Manny, Moe, and Jack. You get them to our meeting, and you get them back to Salvation army after the meeting so they don't miss curfew. Click. He didn't ask if I had gas money, if I knew where the Salvation Army was. The Salvation Army in Dallas is not in the greatest of neighborhoods and I'm like driving up and I like see three guys standing up like, hey, come on. Could have picked up like axe murderers but luckily that was the right three. And I remember at that meeting, I got my new little big book that he had given me and we do big book studies there. We got a little study guide and all that stuff, and we're doing it. We're on page 46, and it says we found as soon as we're able to lay aside prejudice, express even a willingness to believe in a power greater than ourselves, we commence to get results even though it's impossible for us to fully define or comprehend that power which is God. And I got my new little highlighter, and I'm underlining the big book, and the old-timers in the group are talking about that stuff. And all of a sudden, it kind of clicks the last two days, and I'm like, holy crap, this stuff is true. And my buddy Kurt, who was at Homeward Bound the year before, who stayed sober, he's kicking butt, taking names, I lean over and I're like, dude, this tough is true, and he's like, hello, I know. And I'm locked in, dude. I mean, I'm fired up. This stuff is real, and then I get over to Cliff's house on that Saturday. It's 9-9-99. We go over the doctor's opinion. We get all my ducks in a row on step one, step two, all that stuff. I didn't realize it that first night back in AA that I got my last discipleship, I had done steps one and step two. Step one, I'm screwed. Step two, I hope what worked for you will work for me. Why? Because I'm screwing step one. Moving on. We didn't talk about is there a God, the essence of God or any of that stuff, I am screwing one and hope what works for you works for me, why? Because I am screwed in one. Let's go. You are going to get to the power That's what the steps are designed to get me out of the way so God can do his perfect work. That's it. So he says, you ready to do your third step prayer? I said, I'll do anything. He said, we'll see about that. Follow me. He said we're going to his prayer bench. Looked like a frigging coffee table, but, you know, five days sober, pick your battles, right? So we got down on our knees. The book is open to page 63, right, the prayers in the middle. I'd done it before various times through AA. the prayer you know the prayers right there i'm still shaking out vodka i'm fired up now and he says before you do your prayer i'm gonna make a prayer and make sure god's with us and we put our we're on our knees we put arms around each other i'm vibrating it out he starts praying i got no idea what he's saying because in my head i'm praying my butt off because i gotta get sober now not next month now and i guess there was some silence after he quit praying because he nudges me He's like, I need to hear what you're saying to God. And I said, dear God, I've tried to get sober since 1988 and I'm scared and I don't want to die drunk. I need your help. Please give me the willingness to do whatever I got to do to get what's in this book. Amen. And he said, stand up. I thought I'd screwed up, right? We didn't read out of the book. And I stood up and he gave me a hug and he said you just did the third step prayer. What did I do? I said it in my own words, but I voiced it without reservation. There was no lurking notion. The job, the car, the girl, the holy trinity for a drunk guy ain't going to fix it. I am done, right? I concede, and I sincerely ask God for help. The bottom of page 63, the big book, tells me in the preface that says that this is the basic text for our society. so they're calling this a textbook. Forward to the first edition says, in this textbook there's precise instructions on how to recover. At the bottom of page 63 it tells me as the newcomer exactly when I'm supposed to do my fourth step. Next, hug your sponsor, start writing. If Bill Wilson and the First 100 would have meant next month they would have wrote next month. Next, tug your sponsor and start writing I felt a lot of power when I did my third step prayer. I felt good. There's a lot OF garbage blocking me from the power that's going to save my life. From here on out, my actions show God how willing I am not to pick up a drink. Some great promises on the top of page 63. It says, when we sincerely take such a position, all sorts of remarkable things follow. Heck yeah, I got a primary purpose. I got some hope. We have a new employer. Now that's a cool concept for God, this new employer If God is the employer, what does that make me? The FNG. You know what that is? The frigging new guy. Right? I cleaned it up for all you sensible people. So if I'm the new guy, that means I've got to show up on time. Bust my butt. If I expect to get through the probationary period and get my 401K and my dental plan and all that crap. I got to do the work, right? God is the new employer. It says being all powerful, right? Got to do everything or else he's nothing. Being all powerful he provided what we needed comma if we kept close to him and performed his work well. He said underline it. I underlined it. He said there's your job description till the day you die big boy. What's my job back then as it is today. My job today is to stay close to God and do this work today, no matter what happens, whether they're born, whether they die, whether she comes back, whether she leaves. I get hired, I get fired, it don't matter. My job today ist to do my job today. All the other crap ain't my job. He said, John, if God is everything or else he's nothing, what's your choice to be? I said, God is everything. He says, John if God is everything and he's providing you with what you need. What else do you need? I said, nothing. He said, that's simple, ain't it? So we went back into his office of his house. He sat me down. He gave me my instructions for my four-step and he gave me a week to complete it or else. And they were all says, go find another meeting. So during that week, I'd call him during the week and I'm writing on my four set, my resentments and my fears and all that stuff. And every time I called them I'd say whatever drivel I had to say and at the end of the conversation say where are you at on your four-step well I'm done with resemblance I'm working my fears great call me when you're done click the week was up my four-stop was done I told him at our Saturday night meeting he said be at my house noon tomorrow and I had my little paperwork and I showed up at his house at noon and and I got to find out the truth about me in my fifth step. I, who think so highly of myself and of my abilities, I'm a jerk, and that's putting it nicely. I annihilated every relationship in my life. I annihitated my family. I destroyed my relationships with the girls in my wife. I stole from my mom's slender purse. I stole from her business. It was awful, awful, awful, awful to learn the truth about me but I got to see the truth. You know, he asked me the way we started it out. He asked me, he said, well, resentments are the number one offender and I got all my little paperwork there and I said, yep. And he said give me the biggest, baddest one you got. He's a good alcoholic, gamesman. Oh, the biggest, baddest, hmm. Oh, since you put it that way. If you got me down at the bar, I'd tell you all about it. What do you got? And I said, It's my dad. He said, Tell me about your dad. So I told him about my dad, and I'm getting it all out. And, I mean, the blood is boiling. And I'm just, I dislike my dad so much that as soon as I got old enough as a kid And I could say, no, I stopped seeing his entire side of the family. And they didn't do anything wrong. My grandma Kelly loved me like nobody's business. And because of this stuff with my dad, and I'm just getting it all out, getting it All Out. In case you've never done a fifth step, what you say, this ain't like court. What you say can and will be used against you in your fifth step. So I'm getting all the venom out. until I can't get any more out, and I'm done with it. And he's like, wow, sounds like your dad has a drinking problem. I'm like, you think? He says, what a coincidence. You have a drinking program. And that was about as good as I got. Because I got to see the truth about my dad. My dad grew up in a brutal alcoholic household. It was awful. Kellys. Good Irish. It was bad. and my dad made some bad decisions based on his drinking and womanizing and all that stuff and you know what so did i and when i was born they didn't stamp my bottom with god's gift to little boys i lied to that man i withheld affection i cheated i and this stuff that with my dad happened 32 years ago there's counseling there's therapy you know me 35 years old drinking myself to death because of something that happened to me 30 years ago ain't his problem. That's on me. And after that one and another couple other little amends, I thought, oh my God. You know, and all those relationships that I just uprooted and annihilated and all these were girls that I had hoped to spend my life with, and I just destroyed all of that. And it was a humble 8 miles, 8.2 miles from his house to my house, and I'm home quiet for the hour. On 75 it says, We've asked if we've omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. You've got to look up words in Alcoholics Anonymous, because omit and forget are two different things. I'm a blackout guy I'm from drink number one I've forgotten most of the 80s and 90s omit is me leaving something out on purpose and I omitted something and I got good John Kelly going call the old man I got bad John Kelly going uh-uh this is embarrassing and I remember looking at that page and I don't know how long I stared at it but I remember I had a little black pen and I drew a word around the word free and i keep looking at that sentence and i don't want to drink no more and i it was like my aa my my 11 years in and out of meetings all over the place was like passing before my eyes and 30 days here 40 days there whatever and the one thing that i never ever ever was was free because even back in the day when i had 30 days 60 days 90 days booze owned me even when i wasn't drinking booze owned me. Even when I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about drinking. Even when i wasn't drinkin', I was thinkin' about not drinkin'. I picked up the phone and called the old man, and he says, I've been expecting your call. That's a sponsor trick. They do that to everybody. I do it to my guys. They think I'm a genius. Until they figure it out, and they're like, oh, that's what your sponsor yeah yeah so I told him what I had he started laughing at me he's like well GD don't do that anymore you'll die start your hour over and that's how I got started you know here I am what at this point I'm what 13 days sober on one Sunday afternoon I did step five step six step seven started on my eight step list Tuesday night the meeting we had I had my little job that I was going to temporarily and we made it started making my amends little low-hanging fruit at that little job I went to my boss and told him what I was trying to do and I worked that little thing and I'm going to homeward bound with Myers and them my job I remember the first week I was sober Cliff said you need to go to home or bound I said well I got like four days sober what do I do you got four more days in those knuckleheads at homeward down take some little red books and pass them out Give him your number. Okay. You know, I'm just following along. He got me in the game. You know? Left to my own devices, I sit in the back row of AA and try to let the game come to me. Back to my old vices... I mean, left to my owned devices, I'll sit there in a meeting. Hopefully you'll say something witty and funny enough so I can take it to this meeting over here and I come off like a friggin' genius and I'll drink myself to death doing that nonsense. But Cliff Bishop got me in the gang and my life started to change. you know started making those little amends and and doing this stuff every time I'm talking to my mom on the phone she's like you sound different you sound like okay never love you you know I don't know it's like that Viagra commercial you know like you look different you know confidence you know so so it was on it was on a Sunday. I'd finished this little project. It was like two or three weeks in. I'm not even a month sober yet, right? So I'm at homeward bound. I told some guys I'd bring them some little red books, right, so I took them up there. I called Cliff on the way. Everything's cool, and I get back to my house. The Cowboys were like 1-15 that year, so i'm not even watching the game. I got the game on. They suck, you know, so I'm writing this invoice out because my little thing is done, and I've got to bill these guys, you know, like way up to here because the two months that I've lived in this place, I haven't paid any bills. And so I've Got No Money and everything and I'm filling this all out and I're looking at how much I'm going to be able to bill them for and how much these bills are and how many of these knuckleheads are going to ding me and the math ain't working. And I mean, I go into a tailspin in my head and I mean like all of a sudden I'm like way over here And now I'm down here in my head going, holy crap, God. How can you get me sober? And now, I'm going to be homeless living in a van down by the river. This sucks. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die. Da-da-da. And I'm freaked out. And I call the old man frantically. And he's like, my god. Three hours ago, you were fine. What happened? And so, I told him all about this job and the bills and the money and all this stuff. And I get it all out. And he says, all right. All right. Okay, cool. Do you have a dollar? Yes, sir. I have a $1. He said, excellent. I'm going to hang up now. And when I hang up, I need you to hit your knees and say a prayer and ask for God's guidance and you get your little dollar and you go down to Homeward Bound or 24 Hour Club, get you something to drink and you talk to every son of a gun you can find, stay there for a couple hours call me when you get home. Click. and i'm thinking god he's deaf too because i'm about to be homeless and no money and again by god's grace i hit my knees a set of prayer got me a big gulp went out to home the guys came out for a smoke break i talked to those guys gave out some little more red books they went back in i just stayed out there reading my big book an hour later they came out again i did this for two or three rotations right everything i don't think my car wheels touched the ground on the way home, man. I'm like on fire again, right? Call the old man when I get back and he said, how'd it go? And I'm like, oh dude, I talked to this guy, this guy. Just like on top of the world. He said, great. He said what about that job? Well hell man, I didn't think about that job. He goes, there you have it. He says those poor SOBs should have fired you a long time ago but you don't have to drink today. And I'm like, I'm cool with that. And I went in the next day, delivered my paperwork. They paid me all the money and they didn't fire me. They rehired me with a promotion. Your results may vary. That's what happened to me. I got my first guy to sponsor when I was 27 days sober. He came out of Homer Bowne. He asked me, he said, can you help me? I said, dude, I got 27 days sobriety. He goes, I just heard you talk up there, and if you can get 27 days, I'll give this a shot. So that's my first new little guy called Cliff. You didn't tell him no, did you? I'm brand new, Cliff. I'm 27. Read the damn book. That's why they wrote it. Can't screw it up. And that's how I started. And when I got sober, man, we were at this little treatment center homeward bound. Anytime they'd have like 40 to 60 to 70 guys there, Myers would get the old grizzled veterans and stuff, and me and Kurt Knawitz would get all the rest. and I had a little piece of notebook paper in the back of my book and at any given time I'd have 5, 10, 15 guys' names down that I'm going up there every day breaking down doctor's opinion, Bill's story over and over and my life changes like that. My family comes back to me. You know? One of the biggest amends I had was my saint and mama. Like I said, I've stolen from her purse, I've stole from her business, I have broke her heart so many times and she'll tell you I'm her baby as she says you're my baby, we grew up together because she had me when she was pretty young and I have told her every AA middle of the road slogan over those years of all the crap and I would do all these things over and over and I get sober for a little while, get the truss going and I'd kick them in the teeth again and relapse and tear up stuff and wreck cars. But now my life has changed. Cliff told me, he said, it's time, let's do it. I went over to his house and we went over it in great detail and he said make the appointment and I made the appointment with her and she lived up in Gainesville, Texas before she moved to Alabama and I'm praying on the way and she's sitting on the front porch early on this Saturday morning when I get there and I'm pulling into the curb right in front of her house and I am praying again, deep breath get out of the car and as I am walking around the car and up the sidewalk she is coming down the sidewalk and as she gets closer to me she starts crying and I run over the dog kind of frazzled now I am hugging her and now I'm crying and I'm like, why are you crying? And she stopped hugging me and she looked me dead in the eye and she says, because you're different. You're changed. What happened? And she grabs me by the hand and we sat on that front porch and I start to go through the cements. Now, I know you can put a financial number on the cars and the money and the theft and all that stuff. How do you put a price on how many nights that poor woman in the 80s and 90s had to cry herself to sleep, which she did over and over andover knowing or feeling that the next phone call was the one where I'm dead in the gutter. How do you put a price on that? And I start going through this amends and she's crying and I'm trying not to cry and she finally grabs my hand and she says, Stop. You don't owe me anything. I just wanted you back. Evil John Kelly's thinking, ha-ha, we're getting off easy here. And then she hits me with the mother of all amends. She says, I don't know what you and those cats are doing in Dallas, but whatever it is that y'all are doing, I want you to keep doing it because it makes me happy. So if that woman lives to be 100 years old, I better be 84, kicking ass, taking names because it makes her happy, you know. And it's a wonderful life. You know, like I said, my family, I'm blessed. My family came back to me and, like i said, my life started to change. I'm sponsoring these guys and their lives are starting to change and that's the cool thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. I could tell you a story. I could talk to you about it. I can tell you stories right now that'll make you laugh. I can tells you stories that'll makes you cry. I'll tell you story that'll making your heart sick. about carrying the message and stuff. But the truth of the matter is, is until that new guy does it, he don't know. He don't know. It's like when we were growing up and there were some older kids, and the older kids start dating, and they start making out, and they started telling us about it. We're the younger kids. You can read about kissing. You can watch HBO and see people kissing. You can maybe get you a Playboy or something and see people kiss. But until you have your first kiss, you don't know and i would have been left by the gate left to my own devices you know because that is the cool thing about this program and it's not just about me carrying the message it's about what are we doing the whole tone of the book changes in chapter seven up until up and through chapter seven it's all about we we we chapter seven rolls around now they're pointing the finger straight back, what are you going to do? Now that you're sober, what are you gonna do? Right? I believe that God designed me to do all the crazy heartbreaking stuff to get me to that spot of September the 4th, 1999, to where I was broken and I asked for help. And God designed Me to serve Him and help others. That is my primary purpose. And I am free. I don't think about drinking I don't think about not drinking it doesn't exist it's been removed that is the way we're supposed to roll I've gone all over the last week you know what last week by God's grace I was in the south of France carrying the message I went from the south of friends to the south of Minnesota. And it's awesome. It's awesome Is one better than the other? No because it's people like you But we got a big road to hoe out there you know because there's lots of us sitting around dying in Alcoholics Anonymous and they ain't going to know what's going to hit them until us little big book thumpers get out and find them That is my job. It ain't my job to fix nobody, but it's my job to plant the seed. Whether they get sober, that's between them and God. My job is to plant a seed. Everybody wants to make the friggin' garden grow. That's God's job. God needs to see me on my knees in the dirt, getting out the weeds and the rocks, planting the seed It's God'S job to make the garden grow I'm going to end it with this The third step prayer on page 63 We've got some great promises and the 10th step says we've ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol for this time sanity will have returned so the hope of step two has come true i'm just taking the steps right i'm not doing this says we'll seldom be interested in liquor if tempted we recoil from as it were a hot flame we react sanely and normally and we will find that this has happened automatically Again, I'm not doing it. I'm just taking the steps. God's doing this. It says, we see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes. That is the miracle of it. Love this. We're not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. I got treatment centers one through five. Their treatment plan is for me to change my playmates' playthings and playpens, right? To avoid temptation. right? Let's review some stuff in the big book. Bill Wilson walks in to use a telephone and ends up drunk. Telephones on his trigger list. Jim, the alcoholic car salesman, stops off at a roadside cafe to have a sandwich and some milk and ends up drunk, sandwiches and milk on his trigger list. And the coup de grace, Fred, the accountant, the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon, walks across the threshold of the dining room and ends up drunk. Doorways on his trigger list. Like I said, I go anywhere on God's green earth. I don't think about drinking. I don' t think about not drinking. It' s been removed. So if you' re a guy or a gal who' s having trouble with my little relapsers in here because I got a whole boatload of desire chips. I ain' t making fun. But if you're a guy or a girl who can' t seem to stay sober you just got to ask yourself one little question. Is your life worth doing 22 pages of work, from the third step prayer to right there in the tenth step. 22 pages of work will get you from the gutter to being a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's all that is. I got one of those universal remotes. That manual to operate all my crap in my house is a lot thicker than that and I had to read that sucker to turn my crap on. You know? you know we do a lot of work in my group and and and i'm really proud of that like i said three meetings a week we started out when i got sober when michael came around a year later when he got sober we probably a big night on tuesday night was 25 30 people max we the other day he and i named everybody we're talking about we named everybody that was there today on Tuesday night we're anywhere from 150 to 200 people we got a group from another fellowship outside issue fellowship came from people of our group they're doing about 100 people 150 people on their Tuesday night meetings we got 53 or 54 places in Dallas that we carry the message to seven days a week 365 if you're in my group and you're bored you ain't doing something right when I get a little new little buckaroo I take them through the steps just like Cliff took me I don't got no template some guys can read they don't understand so I got to read it to them I got make sure they understand it but we go through this book in a pretty lickety split fashion why so they can get to the power and as soon as they get to The Power they're out carrying the message doing what I do and we got we've been doing this home with this 24-hour club meeting me and michael for 17 years every sunday at six o'clock we haven't seen the first half of a super bowl in 17 years thank god for tivo you know we'll have to if the cowboys ever go back to the super bowl we'll have to alter our schedule that day but that ain't gonna happen anytime soon um you know and that's a cool thing to be a part of to be able to hey traveling around and meeting you cats is awesome but you know what I'm an alcoholic of the hobos variety and I've recovered and I got a big book and I know how to find drunks so whether I'm here or France or back in the gutters in Dallas I know where to find drucks and that's what God wants me to do and that'S what I want to do I got a nice little eight-year-old boy back at my house and I get to be his dad you know and he in this far right now he's eight so I can do no wrong in his eyes and he you know and he's known since he was like two years old that that dad goes out and helps people you know and I look at that little kid and I'm kind of spying a little bit of spirituality but just pray that we'll be around for him if he needs us but I'm I'm very very grateful that I get to be a part of your lives, but I get to be part of his life and my family's life and my little knucklehead's life because that is the coolest thing in the world because the guys that I sponsor aren't Fred's the guys I sponsor are the guys that are in the gutter the guys society has done with them the treatment centers are done with him the courts are done within their families are done and those are the little winners that I get the sponsor and those guys you know it's pretty weird Out of the guys I sponsor, 100% of them, 100%of the guys that I sponsor that do this work are sober today. The guys that I have attempted to sponsor who don't thoroughly follow the direction, I can tell you that their day is significantly different than my day. And I just want to thank each and every one of you for being here. Thanks for the hospitality, and we'll talk to you later. Thanks. Thank you.