White Knuckling the First Nine Months of Sobriety – Ann P.

About This Speaker Tape

1968, weighing 85 pounds with a shot liver and a heart full of rage. Ann P. didn't walk into the rooms with gratitude; she walked in giving everyone the finger. To her, the old-timers looked like they had one foot in a banana peel and the other in a grave. She spent her first nine months white-knuckling it, obsessed with the taste of a drink, fighting the urge every time someone mentioned alcohol at a meeting.

She describes a life of wreckage: chasing her husband with butcher knives and a secret struggle with dyslexia that left her unable to read or write when she started. She was "Crazy Annie," a loud-mouth with sparkling sherry red hair who only took a fourth step because a man named John Brown threatened to announce her laziness to all of Huntington Beach. From stealing stalks of celery to the "spiritual maintenance" of today, Ann traces the distance between the fragile, enraged girl she was and the woman who finally learned to forgive herself.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Ann P. opens by welcoming the group and joking about her nervousness.
• 4:30 Recounts her first attempt at AA in 1967 and her immediate projection that she'd be stuck in 'hard chairs' until age 40.
• 11:00 Discusses her liver damage and the realization that she could die from the disease.
• 16:00 Describes her early sobriety as a 'screaming raven maniac' who gave everyone the finger.
• 22:00 The story of John B. pressuring her into taking a Fourth Step inventory under threat of public embarrassment.
• 28:00 Reveals her secret struggle with dyslexia and illiteracy, and her eventual graduation from high school.
• 35:00 Laughter: The 'rationalization' of stealing a stalk of celery and the subsequent amends to the produce man.
• 42:00 A raw account of her history of child abuse and the moment she realized she had to break the generational chain.
• 50:00 Describes the spiritual awakening and 'rebirth' she experienced in the arms of Edna.
• 58:00 Recounts her childhood in Ireland, the violence of her father, and the trauma of Catholic school.
• 1:10:00 Describes her '4x4' room in Gardena and the paralyzing fear that drove her to drink just to take a shower.
• 1:25:00 Final reflections on the Big Book and the realization that she is not a mistake.