What Makes You Sick Is Exactly What Makes You Well and That Paradox Saved My Life – Peter D.

he paid me I met Peter some time ago when I was at the very back of a room and he was up the front giving a talk and he got to me right right of that moment and Peter and I have kept in touch normally through someone needing one person's help or another and because he walks the walk and he talks the talk and who knows what the program is I just told Peter you You don't have to come through me to give so-and-so my number. You have my permission to give that person the telephone number because I know in lots of cases it's better that than going through three or four or five different phone numbers, and I think you'll agree with that. And Peter has a wonderful talk, so get your Kleenex out and get your laughter ready if he's going to do it for you both. Please help me to welcome Peter. my name is peter and i'm a very grateful member of the friday night group and alcoholics anonymous as a whole and it's good to be here this morning certainly Certainly, being an alcoholic and being asked to share at an Al-Anon conference is certainly a privilege. It's something I would never have dreamed in my wildest dreams that I could do or be. Before I go into my talk, I want to thank the panel and certainly my friends in Al-Anan, Florence, and I know there are others in that too who think highly of me or whatever it might be and I want to thank them that they would think that I am worthy enough to speak to you and I sincerely mean that. I sincerely need that. So thank you to the panel, Larry and Sharon and Florence and I don't know who else but you know who you are. Before I'd like to tell you a little joke it's early in the morning and I know some people have trouble with humor early in the morning, but it might be an Al-Anon joke, so we'll put it in. But anyhow, there's this alcoholic. Well, I'm not sure he's an alcoholic. I never met him, but he certainly abuses alcohol. Him and his wife, they're on their way to the doctor. He's very ill, and they go to the Doctor. And he goes in the room with the Doctor, and he's in there about ten minutes, and finally the Doctor comes out and he motions for the wife to step out into the hall. and the doctor turns to the wife and he says it doesn't look good the prognosis is not good at all for your husband he is not well I'm sorry to tell you this he says but there's three things he says that you could do that could help him he says number one he says if you were to feed him three well balanced meals every day that would be good for him that might help he says and two if you could provide for him him a stress-free environment. No nagging, criticizing, or complaining whatsoever. He said that could help him. She says, and number three, he says, if you could make mad, passionate love to him four times a week, he said that, you know, that could. So he says those are the options. So they're on their way home in the car, and the husband, the drinker turns to the wife, and he said, what did the doctor say to you back there? Oh, she said, John, she says, I hate to be the person to tell you, she says. But there's real bad news. He says, you're not going to make it. I like to open my... We've lost some time, so I'm going to cut my talk. So here I would... I'm gonna open my talk, I always like to open it with an idea or a belief or a concept. steps. And I'll open with the three, but I may not get to them all in that, but I will certainly get to one of them and or two, certainly two. And that is that I would want you to know that I believe in a power greater than myself. I do. Because of who I am and what I am, I choose to call that power God. I did. I didn't. And And I believe that if I have faith in that power, and that if I line up or have a willingness to seek that power I believe, that I will be able to stay sober one day at a time. I believe this. I sincerely do. As I said, I call that power God. Do not be offended. I sponsor a Hindu at one time, and still do, I guess, into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he does not call his power God. And that's okay. And I sponsor a young man who had never had any exposure to organized religion, or we might say Christianity, and he calls it his divine creator. And That's okay with me. You see, I just chose to call it God. And I believe as they say what I do about that power to the other idea that I would want you to know is that I believe in miracles. I do, I sincerely do. Years ago I used to continually open my talk with that statement. I am a miracle and I believe in miracles and there's one thing that I would want you to know again I will come back that the funny thing about miracles is I've noticed we have to be willing to recognize the small ones, the very small small ones, before we can see the big ones. You see? The third thing, and if I don't get any further, and Florence says she's going to bebop me off here when I run out of time. The third things that I would want you to know is, and this is not mine, I heard this from a conference speaker some years ago. His name was Tommy I, and he may have been from South Carolina, where Donna's from, your main speaker sitting back there. Tommy I said, and it confused me at the time, what makes you sick makes you well. What makes you thick makes you ill. Listen to it clear. It's a paradox. When I was in my addiction, when I was still drinking, it was my emotional pain. I'm told today in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that my illness is an illness of the emotion. It's an illness of the emotions. So my emotional pain sent me to drink alcohol to relieve the pain. Alcohol relieved my pain all the time. When I was in emotional pain, I turned to my drug of choice alcohol and after a few I was relieved. Not to say that I did not have more emotional pain after I sobered up coming into recovery and I'm into recovery the paradox being when I go into pain in recovery still emotional pain I seek the 12 steps of AA I seek my sponsor and I seek meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous so that same pain that made me sick is the same pain that makes me seek help in recovery and it might work for you too if you just can confine it and bring it down there and then you can you know so we don't what makes us sick makes as well I would share with you that I was born on a small island off the coast of New foundland some of you Donna you may not know where you didn't know where Ajax was you certainly mean I know you know where Newfoundland is yeah and I am one one of ten children, six girls and four boys. I have one other sibling, a younger brother in Alcoholics Anonymous, myself. The other eight have no problem with alcohol, but I can assure you, I'm going to take their inventory, they could sure use Al-Anon. As a young boy growing up, my father abused alcohol. And when he abused alcohol, he oftentimes abused his family, both mentally and physically. And during that period of time as a young man, and I'm talking of the years that I can remember, three up to 12 or 14, my mother spent a number of years in a mental institution. I say years, they were years. She would spend eight or ten months. And at that point in my time, where I was, my age, I didn't know that alcoholism was an illness. How would I know that? I just didn't knew it. I just knew that there was things crazy in my home. And I certainly didn't know that alcoholism was a family disease, was a family illness. Again, why would I now? It would not be until I came to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and it would not been until I began to be involved in a fourth and a fifth step that I could see this illness, I could understand it, and that I could make the connection that my mother's trips to the mental institution were directly responsible to my father's abuse of alcohol. And I arrived at that in my fourth and fifth step, you see, because in my own marriage, in my old marriage, after a while being married, my wife began to suffer depression the same as my mother. And at that time, I was still into my illness. I would look at my wife who was confined to bed depressed and say my god I married somebody just like my mother not knowing about this illness of alcoholism not knowing anything so that's when I begin to see that some make some connections and to make some changes in my life I'm into recovery as you say when this happens it was fun growing up on that island it was a nice place to be. The island is nine miles wide and 11 miles long, and it's out in the North Atlantic there for anybody who... Yeah, there's some people... Believe it or not, I'm not the only alcoholic from there. Generally, there are two others in the room, and that's not a big island. And it's nice that they're here because they can keep me honest. There's a young lady sitting really in front and she is a dear friend of my family, my wife, and I know that she can keep me honest and I'm glad she's here. Because us alcoholics you know, I could still be a con and a liar if I'm not, you know. It was a nice place. At the age of six I went into the fishing boat. My father was an inshore fisherman and I went aboard the boats like farmers, fishermen at an early age there's always a job for you and that and I was expected to go aboard the boats at that age, and would until the day I left home. And for recreation or for fun, I liked to trout fish, and I fished the streams on that island, trout fish. And that was good because at off time, when things weren't working out, it provided food at the same time. I really enjoyed, and i was good at it, andI know today that a lot of it was an escape to get away from the house at times. So even though it was crazy at times, and I would share with you while in the boat, this came back again in recovery some years as the fog lifted and I'm not saying the first year, probably five or six years into recovery, I began to see and feel some things And one of the things was, I remember being in at a very young age, six or seven, with my father in the fishing boat. And we were out and my older brother, who was two years older, so he would be eight or nine, was in the boat. And my father was drunk. And it would be no different than driving a vehicle here. And he lost a rudder to the boat overboard and it was gone and it Was quite rough. And I remember that for a long time, I thought I dreamt it. And I presented that to my brother, and he too had managed to hide it and deny it in that particular time. And as I presented it, he remembered it exactly as I was telling it. I was blessed in a sense that there would be a period in my life prior to my father dying when I could present that to him. And he could remember it exactly as it happened. It was a scary time. So, I share those things with you. That particular point only to show that when we come into recovery and if we're willing to work those 12 steps, that we can heal and we can have our memories back and wecan heal those memories I have healed those memories I know where my dad was at that time and I accept and you know acknowledge and treasure that today I'm taking some anyhow I came to Toronto at the age of 16. I used to think, I finished grade 11 and that was as far as you could go on that island to school. You would have to go to St. John's to go to university. And I didn't have the money at that time. But I always thought I would have liked to gone to university and I came to Toronto and I always thought I came into Toronto to get the money to go back home, to go to university, and that never happened. and when i look back i was about 15 late 15 going on 16 when i came to toronto and i know today that i was running away more than looking for money or anything else it was just to get away it was a bad really bad summer for my father and uh i uh i didn't like what was happening in the home and my mom and him and i were fighting a lot so i ended up leaving it was It was his house, so I mean, what the heck? I couldn't ask him to leave. I was only 16, so you see. Anyhow, I left and I came to Toronto. And I want you to know that when I left, I swore that I would never be like my father and that I Would Never Drink Like That. Matter of fact, I swored that I WOULD NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. And when I came through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, us, I was worse than my father had ever been. The first year in Toronto, it was like a lot of other times in my addiction. My wife would leave me and take my little girl, and she would say she was not coming back unless I changed or quit drinking. And I would quit quit drinking for a week or two, and she would come back, maybe a week, and she Would come back. And after a week Or so, I would forget the pain that had been caused by my drinking and what went on, and I would Forget, and i would start to drink again. And the same thing Happened when i came to toronto at the age of 60. I didn't drink for a whole year because i remembered what alcohol did to families families and did to people. And I didn't want that. But after a year, I forgot. I forgot what it did. And i picked up a drink. And, I can't remember about the first drink but I can certainly remember after a month or so. I can remember and know why I drank. I drank for one reason and one reason only I drank to make Peter forget and I drank for Peter to feel good about Peter you see as an alcoholic or a member or friend of an alcoholic or spouse up I didn't like the way Peter was I never liked Peter I never I had I had no use for him I didn t think he who is good I had much hatred and much rage, resentment in me towards my father. And again, it would be late in recovery, possibly five or six years into recovery before I realized I had much resentments and hatred towards my mother. I always believed that I felt sorry for her and had sympathy but in recovery again being involved with the steps and being involved with winning people who worked with people like me and who cared and loved people like they had the patience to show me that it was anger that I had for my mother. And it came because, I hope you don't mind if I blubber a little bit, it's still part of my recovery in that. It came from, I guess, my mom not being there in the early ages when I wanted her. So eventually I built up this tough act and who cares? But really in that I was building up also anger towards her that, you know. So that, as I said, came out in my fourth and fifth step. And it didn't come out easy, I can assure you. So having said that, I'm drinking now. I would share with you that in 1963, I came to Oshawa. And I went to work for General Motors. In 1964, I married a beautiful lady. And we are still married today, through the grace of God, through the grace of God. That's 36 years, if you've done, we celebrate 36 years July the 4th. Certainly true nothing that this alcoholic did. And I have no doubt about the grace of God being in our marriage. My wife came out of a very special home. Three of her aunts were nuns. I don't know if that impresses you, but anyhow, they were religious people. And her mother lived to be 94 and she was a very special lady, well-centered and well-grounded in a higher power. So this is who my wife was and I think she prayed a lot for her alcoholic. so I just to qualify really don't think I need to but I will I will just briefly tell you are my illness I know to be an obsession of the mind as we talk about as an illness of the emotions certainly an obsession with alcohol and an allergic physical allergic allergy to alcohol. And as I look back to my life and try to put it together and to find some peace, I can see that in 1967, my daughter was born. She's 33 today and she's married. She has two children, a little boy three and a little girl a year and a half. I share that with you I have a son who is 19 who was heading out to university and and I'll share that with you just briefly as I wrap up so in 1967 my daughter was born in April three months my daughter is three months old I know now that I must have been really sick at this point in time and I only know it again because of of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, those 12 steps and the people who cared enough to love me and to listen to me. I know at that stage I must have been really sick because my wife would say something to me she would say Peter would you go up and get some milk for the baby the baby's three months old we're out of milk what I heard is you'll have an opportunity to pop in and have a couple of beers milk was the last thing I heard baby was the Last Thing and I assure you that I I loved my little girl as much as anybody loved. So I would go up, and I did not know at that point in time that I was an alcoholic. And I did Not Know That I Could Not Safely Take a Drink of Alcohol. I never knew that. I would not know that again until I came to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I Would Go Up, and I Would go In and Have a Beer. Sometimes, I Could Have One Beer and Come Home. But that was maybe only 20% of the times. The other times it didn't go that way. I didn't know it was the first drink that got me drunk. And I would have that first beer and another one, and it would be 11 o'clock, 2 o' clock, the next day maybe or Sunday, two days later before I came home and this went on many many many times and it's the insanity that I believe that we talk about in the second step doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results and always getting the same result I used to think I was confined in the end to a early recovery to a mental governmental institution twice. And I used to think it was that insanity and used to qualify me for the second step. But I know today that that's not what we were talking about. It was this insanity of going out. And my wife would say things to me like, you're nuts. Like, how can you do that? And I didn't know how I could do that because I didn'T know about the illness and I didn'T KNOW I couldn't take a drink. And at the age of six, at the edge of six my wife said to to me. She says, Peter, it's your daughter's birthday. It's your daughter's birthday. Don't drink today. Please don't drink. Come home. And I think she knew. She knew. And you know, again, I had every intention of coming home. I had every intention of being there for my daughter. And the guys at work would say, Peter we're going for a beer after work. And I'd say, no, I got to go home. It is my daughter's birthday. And they say, oh come on let's go for a drink. I said no, it is my daughter's birthday. One o'clock somebody else would come and they'd They say, Peter, are you going for... I said, no, it's my daughter's birthday. I have to go home. And then what happened? A man comes up and he says, Peter, Are we going for a drink after work? And I said no, It's my daughters birthday. And he said, What a coincidence. It's My daughters birthday today. I'm going to go up and have one... It's okay. It's Okay. That's okay I'm going to go up and have one he says and then I'm gonna go home and I said that's great it's his daughter's birthday he's gonna go up and have fun I'll go with him and I'll leave with him you see I didn't know that he wasn't an alcoholic he went and had one and he went home I went and had the one and it was one of those days when I couldn't stop after the obsession took over the obsession and I came home at 11 and I saw that cake there and the candles were still on it and all had been mushed and I knew there'd been anger and hurt in that kitchen. I knew that. And I didn't go to the bedroom because my wife might still be up and she might be still awake and there would be a confrontation and yelling and screaming so I didn'T go there. But I would go to my daughter's bedroom and I KNEW that she had been hurt and I KNW that she HAD BEEN CRYING because I could see the dried tears on her face and I knew that she was expecting her dad to be home you see and I believe that to be what Bill referred to as the double-edged sword of this illness now I know I know there's something wrong with me I know there's something wrong with me and I will have to do three things I gotta be enough to do that to my daughter There's something definitely wrong. So I must quit drinking, check myself in to the mental institution or kill myself. Now, being an alcoholic, being a alcoholic, I always took the easier, softer way. Killing myself would be the easier softer way now I'm suicidal and I was suicidal for the last year of my drinking most all the time and i would line up bridge abutments on the 401 and speed my car up and it never happened maybe because i didn't have the courage to do it i don't know i like to believe it was because my higher power wanted me here this morning i like to believe because my higher power wanted me here today I don't know where I want it to be but maybe that's what he had in mind or she so I'm here okay we're getting reason I want to so I came to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1984 and once Once again, through the grace of God, I've been permitted to stay here. Through the grace OF GOD, I have been permitted TO STAY HERE. I should share with you that I also have a willingness to be here. I have a willing to be with you. I have the willingness to BE WELL today. I believe in miracles. I'd like to share with you a couple. As I said, for me I've learnt there's been hundreds and some of them are just so fantastic. One I will share with was about four or five, seven years into recovery in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was at Manresa which is a retreat house and And I was sharing with a priest there my pain and my resentments and my hatred towards my father. I could not forgive him. I could now forgive him, and I'd been in recovery for seven years. And I couldn't get rid of him. And I said to the priest, Peter, why don't you go back to your room and write God a letter and talk to God and tell him about your feelings and about your father and your childhood. He says, and we'll see how that works out. So I went. I was willing and I went back to do that and I started to write that letter and halfway through it I wrote for two hours. I don't know how many pages but the letter became to my father instead of to the line I felt a great peace within me and I would leave that retreat on Sunday and I Would come home My father lived in Oshawa and my mother at that time and they come here some years after he turned 65. And my father was still abusing alcohol, something terrible, and still abuser my mom mentally and physically. We would oftentimes have to remove her from the home and he's into his 70s now. And it was Wednesday after that Sunday when I came home, I received a phone call. I had received many before, but they were always, what are you going to do about your dad? dad. You can help everybody else, but you don't help him. But this time it was different. My dad was really sick and I went to him and he allowed me to put him into detox and he allowed me take him to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and he allowed me taken to an alcohol counselor and he he allowed me to take him to Manresa where he did a four and fifth step. He was 81 years old. He would die three years later sober. My mother knew my father in sobriety. My mother is still alive. I don't know if it's those three years. I go and see her. She's in Hillsdale Manor in Oshawa. She forgot that my dad ever drank. It's priceless. When When I was in the hospital, I had, in recovery, again, I elected to take the easier, softer way. And I did not want to face the pain of my childhood. And I never wanted to face a pain of what I did to my own family. So somewhere along the line, I am manic depressive myself. And that was the illness that my mother suffered from. and I know that manic depressive illness and alcoholism go hand in hand I know this because I've worked with many manics and many alcoholics but I elected to take the easier softer way and rather than work the steps I had a nervous breakdown some people pick up a drink but when you're from Newfoundland God only knows what you're going to do so I ended up in there and my daughter had wrote me a letter in there. I was really sick, I was in there for quite a while. I would take two trips there and it was the second time she wrote me letters and she said that I never want to see you again as long as I'm sick. I gained a miracle of recovery so we keep plugging away in Alcoholics anonymous I had a son my son I didn't have a son I have a son he was three years old when I came into recovery in 1984 and he was visiting a pediatrician on a regular basis because he was so screwed up because of his father's drinking we know that today and I share that with you because today I'm a grandfather today after I leave here I'm going to a cottage north of here right after my wife and my family are there already I elected to stay to be here this morning and a young man had asked me to share with him in at his one-year medallion last night so it's been a very special weekend but you know not so long ago that's so long ago six months ago my daughter was stuck for a babysitter the in-laws couldn't do it my wife couldn't do it the husband nobody and uh my wife said to my daughter she says I said, Rochelle, why don't you ask your dad? And she phoned. She said, would you look after my children for me? My son is 19. Next week, he's been accepted to the University of Toronto, Queen's University, Memorial University in St. John's, Newfoundland. Tomorrow or next week, we will take him to Memorial University in St., John's Newfoundlands. to know so you see those are the miracles some of the big ones that have happened in my life the healing of a family between my wife and i it is still difficult there are still difficult times i brought a lot of sickness into that marriage i wasn't the only one that it takes two that's true but uh and it takes a long time to heal and i accept that today but we keep going along we have good days some days we can laugh we're both retired right now and we haven't killed each other yet we golf once a week together and that's good and we can last today it's been a good day and after i leave here i will go with them we want to be together as a family before my son leaves and my grandchildren are there and son-in-law and we would be all there for a week together and i think you can all identify whether we're there or we would like to be there but i i know you feel good for me and what i'm saying here so uh the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous saved my life and my family i have no doubt i believe in a higher power i certainly do i certainly believe carol i'd love to donna i'd Love to stay and hear you speak and that i'll get your tape i'll make sure somebody and we'll meet again i'm sure i'm going to close the way I generally close and it is the 11th step prayer as Bill referred to it sometimes known as an international prayer of peace it's the prayer to Saint Francis Lord make me an instrument of your peace where there is hatred let me sow love where there is injury pardon where there is doubt faith where there is despair hope where there is darkness light where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console them, to be understood as to understand, to beloved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is is in dying, that we are born to eternal life. God bless. You want your clothes back? Didn't I tell you he was a good speaker? Let's hear it again. Peter, I'm grateful that you took some of your vacation time to be with us and I'm certainly glad that even though I'm working today that I had time to hear today to hear you. He just has to do all and I think it's just wonderful and to thank you properly I have Peter, like Lauren, your speech was wonderful. I could definitely associate a lot with what you were talking about. A few months ago, I can see the joy and the pride in my husband's face when our granddaughter phoned and said that they were short of an adult to go to the Toronto Zoo. Would you like to go grandpa? He was so proud and And felt, I don't know, we just all felt how wonderful this was. Because I can remember at times when my daughter said to him, I will never, ever allow you to be with my children. So when you were talking, it brought this back. And that, to me, was a miracle when this happened. So I can definitely associate it with miracles and getting well through this program from all of Al-Anon and AA. I thank you so much for sharing with us.