Went to Interview for Atlanta PD and Did a Fifth Step with the Detective 🤦 – Kerry S.

Let's have an AA meeting. My name is Tim Morrow, and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Monday Night Blue Chip Speakers meeting on NavaZoom, where a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with one year or more of sobriety tells his or her story. This reading is based on a passage from page 29 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Each individual in our personal stories describes in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. These give a fair cross-section of our membership and a clear-cut idea of what has happened in their lives. We hope no one will consider these self-revealing accounts in bad taste. Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women in our room tonight and listening later on aabluchipspeakers.org, desperately in need, will hear our speaker and will believe this only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that any of us shall be persuaded to say, Yes, I'm one of them too. I must have this thing. And Steve's going to take over. Thank you, Steve, alcoholic. So it's my privilege to introduce to you Carrie, whom I've known for several years now, based out of the 938. M group at NABBA. My schedule changed up a few years ago and I started going to morning meetings and I was leading the Wednesday meeting and Carrie started showing up, not just on Wednesday, but that's when I first noticed him and we started talking about recovery and actually a great, we talk about other things, but you can bet that the majority of the content we discuss is recovery, related and he's very invested in this program. He's very invested in its sobriety as well as helping other people, and it's it's somewhat humorous that he introduced me to a meeting, online in a meeting, you know, he kind of told his story there, and then they turned around and said, Oh, Steve, why don't you tell your story? And so in December I told my story here on that, but then and then it was like, Carrie, why don't you tell your story? He said, OK, So wherever we go, it seems like we get hit up. Well, we just kind of follow each other around in that regard. But I think you'll enjoy what you're about to hear. So I'm going to turn it over to Kerry. Thank you. I'm Kerry, and I'm an alcoholic. Thank you, Tim, for this meeting and trust of servants. And thank you for that wonderful introduction, Steve. And I've just been molded to the money for that, so I appreciate it. It's just a little joke. But honestly, today, I have to tell you, I'm having a lot of emotional pain. I'm in mourning. I'm grieving. I'm showing up tonight with a heavy heart. Last March, I was leaving the 545 Zoom meeting, and my son texted me and said, which is his first cousin, my 23-year-old niece had been murdered in a murder-suicide. And then three weeks ago, my uncle, I come from a huge – even though I'm old. I'm an only child. I'm not going to come up in my story. But my uncle, one of my uncles, of many uncles, he passed away. He was my last living uncle, and he was a father figure to me. And that was just three weeks ago. And then I found out yesterday, you know, this individual is still with us, but I found out a friend of mine has stage four bone cancer. And so that just jolted me. But, you know, in all things, you know, my higher power, whom I call God, is in charge. And so, you know. I'm here and carry my message of recovery, and I'm going to tell what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like now. And out of 12 steps, it's the cornerstone of my life today. You know, I'm a native Atlantan. I was born here in Atlanta, and I'm an only child. However, my mother, there are 10 siblings with her. She had nine siblings. My father had nine siblings. And I have 48 first cousins, and I knew all of them, extremely close with all of them. I was always going around all my cousins, and I'm still close with a lot of them. I still communicate on both sides of the family. And so even though I was an only child, I was always around my cousins pretty much every weekend. You know, I was going to, you know, cousins either on my father's side or my mother's side. So I was always, you know. You know, around family. Family is really huge in my life. It's very, very important in my life. And so, but, you know, I found out early on that one of my first addictions was attention. I went to, my mom put me in, and my mom and father put me in a private school. And so I went to private school, you know, from the first grade through the seventh grade. And as it turns out, I was, you know, a really bright student. Fair intelligence. And I can remember that my teachers, my first grade teacher, would bring other, the other, other teachers into the room, and she was able to be myself and maybe a couple other students, you know, who were the brightest students in the room. And I'm going to say I was like a Jeopardy contest, you know. And then I can remember as I began to progress going through second, third, fourth grade, you know, I would write these stories from I was spelling. We would have spelling words everywhere. And we would write these stories. And my teacher, you know, second, third grade, and I would go to the older students to go around the classes and read my stories. So, you know, I love the attention. And I can remember, you know, going to my, going to visit my cousins. My mother was from Pine Mountain, Georgia. My father from Locust Grove. And of all 48 cousins, I think I was, I'm like the fourth youngest of all of them. So a lot of them, like, they were adults. When I was a child. But as far as going back as five years old, I could recite all the books in the Bible. And my cousins was fascinated by that. You know, I was, you know, could say all the precedents in order, you know. And so, you know, I got all this attention. And growing up, I never wanted for anything. But I wanted everything. You know, I wanted everything. And I can remember going to Pine Mountain one time. And that's where, most of you are familiar, that's where Callaway Gardens is. And it's a small town. And pretty much all my aunts and uncles and all the cousins, that was the place of employment. That's where most of them worked. And it was easy for me to go to Callaway Gardens. You know, they would just take me in. And I remember one time I wasn't going, you know. Not that I didn't want to go, but nobody asked me to go. And one of my cousins was going. And she was a teenager at the time. And in Pine Mountain, you didn't have to lock your cars. And so I locked the car doors. And the keys was in the door. So I was like, and my cousin was going around the house all excited. She was going to Callaway Gardens. And I was like, you know, nobody asked me why she's so excited, you know. So I locked the keys in the car. And so my younger cousin told my uncle, you know, she got ready to go in the car. And I stood back. And she was, a disappointment came over her face. And inside, I'm like, yes, I don't see you jumping around laughing out, you know. I was a very mischievous child, you know. And, but. I put on this front. And I was like, like the AA book, the big book said, I was a, I was an actor on a stage, you know. Yeah, I had this facade. I was, I was intelligent. I was polite. I was smart. But boy, could I get into some stuff. I was very mischievous. And so, and, and, and I had people fool, you know, my teachers. No care, everyone do this. No care, everyone do that. All my relatives. And I remember my little cousin told my uncle, I said, oh, God, I'm going to get my butt tore up. And he said, Carrie did it. And my uncle thought that was the funniest thing. He just did not believe it. And as he was going into the car, he kept asking my cousin, he said, who, who, who locked the door? And he said, Carrie. And my uncle just kept laughing. He must have said that three or four. He just found that so amusing. And I was like, you know. And I was the type of kid that I got away with a lot of stuff. And so, you know, just, and my father and I, my father was an alcoholic. He served in, in, in, in the Korean conflict. I could never understand on my father's side of the nine siblings. I never, all together, there was never alcohol there. I never saw my, I never saw my uncle's drink alcohol. I never saw my aunt's drink alcohol ever, even as an adult. Never seen him take a drink of alcohol. My father drank a lot. And, and my mother told me, and I was, you know, and I said, why does dad drink so much? And she said, before he went to, to Korea, he never touched, he never would even drink a beer, you know. And so when he, when he came back, you know, he got, he got injured. He was a recipient of a purple heart. He got injured in Korea, got shot in the head, scrapped him, and he got a plate in his head. They used to give him violent epileptic spells. And I mean, to see him, it was really terrifying for me to see. And on top of that, he was drinking and the doctors would tell him not to drink. And so that was a wedge between my mother and my father. And I was in the middle. I was, I was close to my mother and I loved my father, loved my father so much. And I don't even think I really called, every now and then, unless I was in trouble, I called him dad, but I always called my father buddy, you know, but then when he was drinking, which was a lot, and we, you know, I know when I drink, I turn it to another person and, and he would just, you know, become mean. That's not so much to me, but to my mother, you know, and one of the things that I do remember, I was maybe about four years old and I had this little like stuffed animal. I mean, you know, you give your kids stuffed animals and he got mad and said, I don't know what you're playing with. I would just, he called it a door. He got it and just ripped it to, and all the stuffings came out, you know, and that, I mean, that destroyed me. That broke my heart, you know, even to this day, I think about it and it really, you know, broke my heart. You know, my mother wasn't too happy about it, but you know, my dad, you know, he could be a nice person, but when he was drinking, he would really just get, just become this whole different person. And I was, and I was afraid of him. And I remember one time he asked me to come into the room. He said, why don't you talk to me much? And, you know, he said, are you afraid of me? And I was afraid to say, I was afraid of him. I know, but when he wasn't drinking, he was my buddy, you know, and, but we never, other than going to family gatherings together as a family, we never really did anything as a family together. You know, my father and mother, he would, he would pick her up from work, you know, but as far as social activities, we didn't do that much together. Either it was my mother doing something. And most of the time, my father would take me to the gambling houses. Or drinking house. And I can remember they would have me rolling dice and stuff. You know, I didn't know what the heck I was doing. And my mother, obviously she, she wasn't too pleased with that. And so I remember one time we went to the drive-in together and the three of us, and I was so excited. I said, we're doing something as a family. And at the time I'm about six years old, six, seven years old. And I can remember to this day, my father just ruined the evening because he got, he started fussing at my mom over some trivia. I was a candy bar and the whole evening was ruined for me, you know, and so, you know, just kind of fast forward on, uh, uh, my, my father's drinking got out of control and, you know, and then with the, uh, he had mental illness going on and, you know, he would, he would go to the VA and, and, you know, I remember he was in the VA one Friday. We put him in there and, and it was just so much relief. And, uh, and we were just so happy just to kind of just exhale of just a different energy around the house, you know, because living with a, a rage knocker. It's, you know, it's, it's hard. And so, uh, the early that morning we heard the doorbell ring and my father was back and it was like, wow. And so just, just kind of fast forward on to this. Uh, my mother finally left him. She had left him a few times, but she would always come back two or three times. I found she said, I'm not, I'm not going back. And we went to live with my mother's brother and he came over. Uh, I never forget. It was Valentine's day. It was on a Saturday. He was sober. And, and that was the first time. I, I always, I tell my wife now that was really almost the first time I really met my dad. It was something different about him. It was a different energy about him. He was so sincere. He said, he told me we went to the back of the house, my aunt's house. He said that he's, I'm going to move in with my brother. And he said, I'm going to stop drinking. He said, and I'm going to get the help I need. And I want to be a father to you. And I want to be a good husband to, to, to your mother. I said, okay. And he said something to me. He said, I don't think he had ever said before. He said, I love you. And gave me a hug, you know, and I don't recall my father ever telling me he loved me and gave me a hug. And, and I, so, uh, the next morning I woke up, my mother wasn't there. My aunt wasn't there. My uncle wasn't there, but some older cousins was there. And when I walked, walked into the room, I mean, it looked to me like I had two heads on my shoulders and one in the middle. And they were quiet and they were looking at me really strange. And I said, what's wrong? They said, ain't no other way to tell you your dad is dead. You know, my uncle killed him. Which was his brother-in-law, you know? So that was, that was pretty devastating, you know, to the family, you know? And so, uh, you know, and I often wonder, you know, how, how that would have come out. But, you know, just to kind of, uh, move on, it was my mother and I, and it was the two of us. And, and, and we moved into the house and projects, uh, uh, uh, off of, back then it was Hunter Street, not far from the AU Center, you know? And I made friends there. And I go on to when I'm, remember taking my first. Drink at 14, you know, and I will see, you know, alcohol was my first drug of choice. You know, a lot of my story involved heavy narcotics and I'm not going to mention them by name, but when I'm talking about it, I just say DOC, you know? And so, uh, and, and it was like that Saturday, me and some friends, we, you know, we, uh, had some, uh, I think it was pink champagne, you know, and it was kind of sweet. And, you know, we did, and we was like, wow. So the next weekend. We couldn't wait to do it. Then along, somebody brought a DOC that you can smoke. And so, you know, and I just remember laughing and laughing and laughing, you know, but then we would do that every weekend. And then one day somebody said, uh, one of my buddies said, you know, got a bottle of gin. It was like, I said, this is Monday, you know? And so we were, we started drinking and before long, you know, I was, I was smoking, getting high and drinking alcohol every day, you know, and I was, I was a straight A student. From the first grade to the ninth grade, you know, I never made a beat in anything. And the moment I started smoking and the moment I started drinking on a regular basis, like, you know, I was always on the honor roll and I was on the honor roll when I got to high school. As a matter of fact, I had taken so many classes. I came into a year early for two straight years and I had taken a full load in summer school, which I didn't have to. And so I, you know, I had the ability to graduate early, you know? And so I was so driven, I had so much drive and ambition, you know? And so, but when I started drinking, you know, it started kind of robbing me of that, you know? And then my grades began to slip, you know? And then, you know, females came into the picture, you know? But I can always, I can go back to six years old. Monica Johnson was the prettiest girl in first grade. And I remember asking her, can you, can you be my girlfriend? The second, my addiction were women. Love, love women. Female. Love them. You know, beautiful. The way they walk, the way they talk, the way they smile, the way they act, you know? Never understood them, but, you know, I still love them dearly, you know? And I've always had great respect for women because my mother was a strong woman. Two of my cousins, the one I was telling you I was living with when my father was killed, you know, they are older than me. And to this day, we call each other brother and sister. And just kind of been around them. And I always had great respect, you know, I had great respect for women, you know? I have good qualities, you know? I'm not a violent person, verbally or physically. But, you know, as time progressed, and then I went on, graduated high school, and I was accepted. But, you know, I peeled it back some because, you know, I still wanted to go to college. And so I got accepted to, like, Duke, Howard University, Clark, Atlanta, Loyola University. About six or seven schools, every school I applied, you know, I, you know, I was accepted to. And by that time, I was an AB student, you know? And my grades didn't plummet, you know? I mean, I still, I was always a strong reader. You know, I carry books everywhere to this day. I love books, you know? And, you know, I don't have enough room in my house, you know, for the books. I love reading. That's one of my hobbies. And I always enjoyed that as a kid. But anyway, you know, I decided to go to the University of Pittsburgh. And when I, that was in 1979. And when I went, you know, I went to the University of Pittsburgh. It was, you know, a big school. You know, I was from Atlanta. I was away from home. And most of the people who was attending there, they was in the low, you know, they was from D.C. or Philadelphia, New York, you know? And my people, why you come so far? And one thing, I had an aunt, my father's oldest sister. Her and I was very close. She lived in Pittsburgh. We would talk on the phone. And she always, we always stayed in touch. Like I said, family was so important. And I told her, and I wanted to go to the University of Pittsburgh. And really, because she was getting up in age. And I wanted to spend quality time with her. And I told her I got accepted to the University of Pittsburgh. She was one of the main reasons why I decided to go there. But a few months before I was to go, she passed away. Even though she knew I had got accepted. You know, and I can truly say, you know, coming from a family with 48 siblings, a lot of aunts and uncles, four grandparents like most people have, you know, I've experienced, I've been going to funerals since I was six years old, you know, and went to my last one when I was on the Zoom. But I went to be my uncle's remains, my wife and I, a few weeks ago. That's been a huge part of my life, losing my father at eight. And, you know, it left a strong, it left a void in my life, you know. And then I had, and then, you know, the big book talks about in here, we have a thousand forms of fears. And one of my earliest fears was any time, and I'm my only child. I lost my father at eight and, you know, when my mother would, you know, if she would go somewhere, you know, to work or, you know, church, she was singing in the choir and they would go on, you know, to a lot of singers after, you know, on Sunday evenings and Sunday nights. And she said, well, I'm going to be home at six and she didn't get home at eight o'clock. I would be just a nervous wreck because I had this fear that something was going to happen to my mother, you know, and I lived with that through my teenage years, you know, and, and, and, you know, I think that was a big part of my life. You know, I mean, I'm an alcoholic, you know, I'm an addict, you know, I put stuff in my body to change the way I feel. And so I think, you know, I was in denial that, that my, that my father's death affected me the way it did. And, and then the fear of maybe losing my mother, you know, that, that took a toll on me. It took, it took a pretty heavy toll on me, but, you know, when I got to college, I remember when I was in freshman orientation, I was in college, I was in college, I was in college, I was in college, I was in college. And I'm saying this because I met someone who, when we got there, when I got there, I flew in from Atlanta, it was about 8 o'clock and it was on a Friday night. And so I was like, hey, turn the light on. And I saw this guy lying in the bed and I told him my name and he told me his name. And I said, get up, you know, and I had to carry some stuff to smoke, you know, that's not legal, but it's legal in a lot of states today, but it wasn't legal in any states back then. And I said, let's go get some beer and a drink. And they're drinking. Back then, it wasn't federal, so the drinking age was by state. It was like 18 in Atlanta, but up there, it was like 21, so I saw this place on the corner. It was called the Dirty O's, and they sold all this different type of food and all the beers and stuff. When I went in there and tried to buy some beer, they told us to come back when we was 21, but my buddy circumvented that. He was from Ohio. He came back with an Ohio driver's license and said he was 21, so we was able to get around the drinking in college. Plus, somebody told me that one of my friends said you can get a rush card for $3, and every Friday and Saturday night, you can go to all the fraternity parties, and they have all the alcohols and women everywhere. I was like, are you kidding? I told my buddy Eddie, and the reason I'm mentioning him is he's not one of us, but he and I have been friends since 1979. I've gone up to Ohio. I've lost count. He's come down here. He's like my brother. He's one of my closest friends on the planet, and he's just a very, very important part of my life. In college, he would see me drinking and getting high a lot, and of course, he would say, hey, man, why don't you take it down? I mean, you don't get high too much, and every time I look around, I was on academic probation. I finally, after my junior year, I said, hey, you know what? I'm going to pull it all the way back. I'm going to graduate college, and I did. I would always manage to do just enough, and I wanted to be a doctor. That was my goal coming up. I had the aptitude, and I think I had the personality with people, but I was a medic, but I didn't know it at the time. Getting high was the most important thing, and having women. In college, there was plenty of both. Plenty. Pittsburgh, University of Pittsburgh was a very good school. It was surrounded by Carnegie Mellon. We had a large population, and it was Duquesne, and it was about three or four other schools around. So, I mean, I'm, you know, partying everywhere, women everywhere. I was in heaven, you know? And so, you know, I graduated college. I came back to Atlanta, and I got a job working. I was working at Kroger, and I started working there. And then I was. What then was called a receiving clerk, and then probably about six months there, they asked me to go into management, to the management training program. But I declined that because I was. They said I would have had to go to North Carolina. And, no, it was almost like the military. You'd end up in any place. And I was just like, I just got off from college. You know, I don't. So, I declined that. But, you know, I ended up working there for five years. And that was really. I got more education now because in college, when I got to Kroger, there were people who had been working there. 20 years, 15 years, who made a career out of it. You know, I was 21, 22, and these people were adults. You know, they was in their 30s. They had mortgages. They, you know, they were adults. And so, I was in the adult world. You know, I wasn't in Kansas anymore, you know? And so, that was my real education of life began when I was, you know, when I started. That was my first job. And then, you know, a friend of mine who I went to high school with, he's the one who told me about the job. And he's not one of us either. And he's one of my closest friends. We met at 12. And we probably talked last week. You know, I have some. God has blessed me with some good people in my life. You know, one of the things I have, God gave me the gift to talk to. I don't meet strangers. I don't care what your ethnicity is. I don't care what your age is. I don't care. I don't care what your bank income looks like. I can find something in people to talk to them. And the reason I'm telling you this, and it's going to come in in a few minutes. And so. You know, I would meet some of the people on the job. And I found out some of the people like to do some of the things I like to do. You know, they like to get high, you know. And I can say the very first time when I was introduced to a heavy knock car that I was in college, you know. And so I enjoyed it. But, you know, and I'll just say this. Back then, it was said there was a poor man's rich man's pledge and poor man's high. So I couldn't afford that particular DOC at the time. But, boy, when I got graduated college. And I started making money. Oh, man, I was making decent money. And so. But I got an apartment. I got a car. You know, and I always like to dress nice. You know, vanity is one of my character defects. You know, to this day, I still like to look good. I'm working on it. You know, but I always like to look good, dress good from head to toe, you know. And so I always wore nice clothes, you know, suits in high school. I don't even think I owned a pair of jeans, you know. I mean, I was always flat. Nice shoes. And we would try to outdress each other. There was a group of us, about five of us. We would always try to outdress each other, you know. And so when I got caught up into my drinking and my using, man, that stuff went out the window. Went out the window, you know. But I remember one day before I moved away and I was, you know, in college and I was still living with mom. And I was, you know, saving my money, trying to branch out and got deep, deep into my addiction. And I remember drugs was in our neighborhood. You know, and it was a peaceful neighborhood. I loved growing up there, but it was really peaceful. And then the drug dealers took over. And I remember one of the guys who was the main drug dealer, he was a Tuskegee graduate, really smart. So one day he and I were just sitting around talking. He, you know, he said, man, I've been, I had my eye on you for years, you know. And he recruited a lot of other kids, a lot of them, like, on the jail or whatever. And, but, you know, I wasn't, mom, first of all, I wasn't hearing that. And I wasn't, I wasn't down for that, you know. And so we were talking one day, he asked me, he said, how much do you make a, you know, a dollar a day? And I said, how much do you make a dollar a day? And I told him, he said, you can make that in an hour. He said, he said, you smart. He said, I'm a college grad, you're a college grad. He said, you smart, I'm smart. He said, man, we could take this thing to a whole different level. You could be making so much money, you wouldn't believe what you could be doing. He said, how does that sound to you? I said, it sounds appealing and very dangerous. I said, I'm flattered, but, you know, I think I'm just going to be a working man, you know. And I did that. And so, but I, you know. As time went on, I started using more, my DOC, and drinking more. And I would look around. My friend, I'll tell you who was growing, who I grew up with, these people, someone was getting married. They were buying homes, and they was having nice cars, you know. My car had gotten, I think, probably repossessed by then. And then before we knew it, you know, I wasn't paying my bills anymore, and I had to move back home with mom. You know, and I'm making, I said. Well, you know, I'm going to help you out, mom. I'll do that until I get back on my feet, you know. And she knew that I was drinking, you know, and doing other things. But I'm a child, an only child. And if she wouldn't allow me to come back in, she said, I don't really want to let you come back. I can't have you living on the streets, you know. And so, I went back, you know, staying with her. And I said that I was going to help her, you know, pay bills. Well. I always had an excuse. Oh, my paycheck was short. My paycheck wasn't short. I wanted to get high. I gave so much money to my dealer, you know. I was putting his kids in school, buying him new cars. I'll often say, it would take a Brinks truck, maybe two, to come back and give me the money that I spent getting high. Spent a lot of money drinking, using, womanizing, you know, doing all this stuff. You know, that's all it was. You know, when I came to the room and said, Leo, to use. Use. Use, to live, you know. And then I remember crying to Ben, I'm going to say this, and then I'm going to just kind of close into when I came into rehab. And then kind of interject how the steps, you know, has changed my entire life. When I was at my own apartment, the guy living next door to me found out he was a dealer. And so, I could easily just cop from him and have to go anywhere. Then I have to drive. You know, I'd have to go to 3 o'clock in the morning, 8 p.m. Then I'd have to go to the trap. Think of getting robbed, getting conned. You know, all this dangerous stuff. Put my life in jeopardy. You know, and I think about that stuff. That was some crazy stuff. And so, somebody found out that he was selling. And my girlfriend, she was going to Spelman College. I had met her. She was from New Orleans. And I was at work one day. And she called me screaming and crying. And she said somebody was trying to break in the house. And so, I drove home quick. And when I got there, police everywhere. Helicopters. You know, I saw EMT, an ambulance. And my heart was thumping. I was like, oh, my God. You know, is she alive? And then I saw they had this guy in handcuffs in the car. And she ran out and hugged me, you know, and found out that somebody had told this guy that they knew he was selling drugs. And then if you come from the back, the carport, they was trying to break in his house. But when he got there, he had steps going to my apartment, steps going to his. And the guy got confused. So, he was trying to kick in my door instead of his. And then I'm telling you this story because, for some bizarre reason, and I knew his wife, and he had three young children. His wife, for some reason, and this guy was connecting. I mean, it went up to, you know, he wasn't just some small-time dealer. And found out, for some reason, his wife thought I ratted him out. And I'm like, there's no way I would rat him out. He was my friend. He was my dealer. And I remember that same night. It was in May. It was hot. You know, it gets hot here in May. And he, somebody came to me. He came to my door, rung the doorbell. And something said, don't go to the door. And he had a long trench coat on, smoking a cigarette, you know. And long story short, they had put a hit out on me. Well, his wife. But she had done it inadvertently. The husband, he was in J-SAT, called the people and take him out. And she said she thought it was me. And she was so apologetic. She was crying. But after that, you know, that's when I bought a gun. I had to sleep with a gun. I started sleeping with a gun, you know. And so, you know, that's what my life. My life had come to come from a good family. And, you know, then I got, you know, I'm, you know, using every day. I'm a college educated man. I'm a smart man. And so, you know, my life had just come to that. Live to use and use to live. But, you know, I, you know, in 1988, you know, I was still living with my mother. I was working in banking. I was in corporate banking at the time. And, you know, that was a democracy. You know, that was just a disaster. You know, but I was just independent. My uncle, at the day at the end of my using, and I'll call Charter Petrie when I'm in September 1st, 1988, you know, and my claim, my sobriety date, September 2nd, 1988. So far, so far, I've only picked up one white chip, you know, and it's been wonderful, you know. And when I was in rehab, they would give us the steps to do, you know, and I didn't know anything about the steps. But they would say, go back to your room and just study. And I remember looking at the steps, you know, you know, and I said, yeah, this one, we admitted we was powered over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. Yeah, my life was definitely unmanageable. There's no doubt about it. I remember my first sponsor, and they would have a meeting in rehab. I remember my first sponsor telling me that you're not just powers over alcohol and drugs. Your power is over people, places, and things. So when I went through the steps originally, you know, I was my first time. I was getting sober. You know, I didn't want to use anymore. I thought it was just going to be. I was going to go. We have to be done in 28 days. I'd be cured and I'm going about my way. And then we had it was like bringing me in. I'm like, OK, you know, it's all right, you know, and but nothing I really care to do. And they said, well, we suggest you go to my knees in 90 days. I say, no, I'm good. But it was something about they carried me to a meeting one time and I picked up my first white chair. It actually was it was in a meeting, you know, and I never forget. The guys are working in the rain. I'm going to me click that. At that time. And then I saw people coming into the meetings at Charter Peak. They were so excited. They had this they had this zeal and they just, you know, enjoyed life. And another thing that resonated with me, the administrator of Petra, doctors, nurses, recreation people, everybody was in recovery. And I was like, well, these people are living their lives, you know, and I would ask them, I said, what do you do? We go to means we work steps, you know, and I remember, you know, then the second step. That's when I said. Well, we got to, you know, Houston, we got a problem. I'm not insane. And then my sponsor said, OK, you told me you you took all your money. You didn't pay. You start paying your bills. You say you're going to help your mother out. He was going to trap. He was going to arrest it. He was gone before judges. He was paying lawyers. He was on probate. That's OK. OK, OK. Right. He thought, oh, saying is that saying, you know, you believe the user used to live drinking. OK, I got it. You know, you made your point. And then the third step, that was that was a beautiful one, because I was raised in a church and I believed in a in a in a in a higher being, you know, I mean, I'm a Christian and I believe in a higher being. I believe in God. I believe in the Trinity, but I wasn't living according to those principles. And so but then, you know, my understanding of God was the pastors, the deacons. But I remember my mother and I look back now and I look at for years now, you know, the program on raised me. I mean, according to most of these principles, you know, she said, you know, you find God as you understand him. Let me and nobody else tell you how to believe in God. And that always stuck with me. And so when I got to that third step, they say the God of your understanding. But I tell you, it took me twenty five years. One day, you know, I believed in God, but I had this fear. I had this arrogance and it was my ego. I have a big ego and I was so afraid to just completely turn my wheel in my life over. You know, and I pray every day. That's something I have. Going back, I mean, since I've been sober, thirty two plus years, I have not missed a day praying and I prayed multiple times in the day, you know, so but I was so afraid to turn it over. Now, this is my step to insanity as well. What if I turn everything over and God got me homeless or he had me up in a wheelchair? Like I got the ability, like if I decide to turn it over, like I'm open and do what I like, that can't happen anyway. That was my ego. That was my arrogance, you know. And so I just you know, I told my you know, my wife, I was married twenty three years to another woman. I have two wonderful kids. You know, of course, we tell our story. You could be here forever. So, you know, I just had to kind of skip over a lot of stuff. But, you know, my my son is twenty seven. He graduated over with honors. My daughter, UGA grad with honors of double. They both have double majors. They never seen a father drink. But you know, my mother and I divorced. Twenty three years. No, but the lady I'm with now, we met in the fellowship. We met in a we've been together six years. We've been married over a year. She's the true love of my life. After 50 after 50. That's what I'm saying. They said more will be revealed. That's that turning it over, you know. But then I told I told my then girlfriend, I said, you know, and she's in the program, I say something in my life and recovery is missing. She said, what is it? I say I'm not completely turn it over. I said, I'm just going to have to do it. Just let go. Just have that faith. And that's what I did. And that's what I did. And my life is not in my recovery. My life, you know, it's just just the inside my spirit. It's just so amazing. My relationship, my higher power. And when I was first going through the steps, I did. When I did my first step, I was going to be like I said, going through this. You know, I'm just kind of had, you know, I just I just want to I just want to have my back. I want to stay sober. And so my sponsor did a wonderful thing. I use. I end up getting another sponsor and he was my sponsor for 20 years. I went to really about seven years ago. And so he said, I want you to do I want you to listen to my fifth step. And when I listen to his fifth step, I had to go back and redo my fourth step and I had to get completely honest, you know, and so I did my fourth step. And he did. He did. I got so honest. He did. And, you know, he listened to my fifth step. And of course, that's when I began to at that time, began to understand just the beginning. I'm still in my 20s at the time, you know, and I fast forward to now. I've done the steps countless times. Every time I go through the steps. Well, it's a sponsor, a sponsor. Every time I pick up this book, I can go tonight and read a sentence. I've read this book a million times. I always get something new out of it. You know, that's to have an open mind and, you know, and just being open to the principles of this program and, you know, an open mind to just being open to new ideas and respecting people's point of view, which is not always easy and giving people the right to be who they are, because I still sometimes want people to think the way I do, you know, but, you know, but I have to let all that stuff go. You know, I mean, you know, I know, you know, I have I had these character defects just like anybody else. And then it came about, you know, of course, you know, doing step work, you know, and and so, you know, when it was saying, well, we're entirely ready to have God remove all of these defects of character. There are some things that, you know, I find cheating womanizing, you know, I didn't I didn't I don't know. I don't want to do all this stuff again. Master manipulator. I think I could have been one one of the biggest common group around, you know. But I decided not to go that way. You know, I'm glad I didn't have I probably been dead in prison, you know, with all that stuff I wanted to remove, you know, the vanity part I talked about, you know, I'm still working on it, you know, but but I'm not arrogant with it. You know, the first thing I did when I got out of rehab, I went shopping. And I was like, as I was saying, my mom, my girlfriend took off that day and my mother said, that's the care I know, you know, and, you know. And so, you know, I got back to myself and I began to remember the first time it rained about 30 days out of rehab, everybody was running from the rain. I ran outdoors and I just looked up into the sky and just said, wow, thank you. You know, I'm a birder now. I love birds. You know, I'm a member of Audubon. I have bird feeders. I can identify birds. By sounds, it took them years to do that. And I can identify them by sight. You know, but I remember, you know, I lost sight of all that stuff, you know. And then, you know, when I asked God to remove my shortcomings, you know, I still have shortcomings and I had a problem with this stuff for a long, long time because it wasn't being removed, it wasn't being removed, you know. And so more would be revealed. And I got my sponsors like, well, you know, this stuff, it gets turned on. It turns off, you know. And so I had to come to a thing just like my using and drinking, it's a daily reprieve. So one of my prayers every day, I said, God, I humbly ask you to remove any shortcomings, not for my sake, not for Kara's sake, but for the sake of of my fellows, men and women and my higher, so I can be of maximum service to all of you all, people I don't know, people I do know, to my wife, to my children, to my neighbors, you know, get me out of the way, get me out of the way. That's my daily prayer. So I'm OK with step six, you know, and step seven. That was a big one. You know, once again, I could be here all day. So I'm going to kind of move through these, you know, but I'm going to tell you one of the big lists that one of the biggest things that I had to make amends, you know, a lot of women are jobs, bosses, but one of the biggest ones, the biggest list. And I thought it would never happen was to the Atlanta police department because I sold drugs, I carried weapons, had a lot of money. But I got caught. So I'm going to some of the stuff I would have been instead of sitting here telling you my story, I could have probably been in prison 32 years. I could have been dead 32 years. You know, I drove drunk. You know, I mean, I always have weapons. I had all this money on me, you know. And so the way my higher power worked, that the way God worked, that I was between jobs. I'm clean, sober, sober. And the police, I don't want to be a police, but police. So I said, just go apply. So I want to apply. And, you know, and the detectives was interviewing us. And so all of a sudden I just start telling them some of the stuff I was doing. And he said, you don't really want to be a police. I said, no, sir, I don't. I pretty much did a or a fifth step with him. You know, I didn't I didn't rob or hurt anybody, nothing that would get me, you know, arrested, but I was able to sit in front of a police detective, young police detective, and basically just tell them some of the stuff I did. I thought I could sit in front of police and say I sold drugs. I drove drunk. I carried weapons. And, you know, that was, oh, my God, talking about taking a load off of me. So, you know, and so the eight and nine went together. So that was one of the biggest amends that I made on another move. When I was working at Kroger, one of my bosses always had my back, always had my back. He had a family at the time. He was about my age, but he was putting his job on the line for this drunk, for this addict. He always had my back and I would just constantly let him down. He said, I mean, you're killing me, Gary. You're killing me. He said they want me to fire you, man. I'm putting my life, my life, my life, my livelihood on the line. And probably about, I don't know, 20 years after that, I saw him that he was manager. He was assistant manager at the time. He was manager at a store, at a Kroger in my neighborhood. I was married, had bought a home, you know, I mean, my kids, you know, was in good schools, you know, life is going well. I'm going to meetings, I'm sponsoring, sponsoring the whole nine. I'm living the life of recovery. And I saw him and I talked to my sponsor. I said, I really need to make amends. And we talked about it. And I went up to him and I said, I need, you know, and I prayed about it because I was really nervous. And we would always talk in the store. And I said, that's something that I need to tell you this. I saw all them times. And I thought you even he mentioned that you come to come in here. You come to work, smell like alcohol, your eyes red. He said, what's going on? Nothing, nothing. Deny it. Deny it. You know, I wasn't fooling anyone. And so I made amends to him. I said, you know, I say I'm in recovery. Back then I was drinking. I was drugging, you know, and I said, I'm so sorry from my heart that you had my back. I let you down time and time again and tears just rolled down his eyes. So those two, those were the two biggest amends that I made. You know, that was on my list, you know. And, you know, in ten, eleven and twelve, you know, I love what it is. I'm doing ten. I don't have to go back and do eight or nine as much because, you know, a lot is we continue to take personal inventory. I do that on a daily basis throughout the day. You know, how's my recovery? Or is anything affecting my recovery today? Is it good for me? Is it? So I ask my question, the question is, is it good for my recovery or is it bad for my recovery? I was told to change people, places and things. When I got into the room and recover, I had to change people, places and things. I'm about to close it down to him, you know. And this 11th was so, so big for me, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God. You know, I have an amazing relationship with the God of my understanding, you know, through prayer and meditation. And I love this and saying, praying only for knowledge of this will for us. A lot of people say, well, I don't know what God's will. I don't know what it is. But every day I say, God, I'm praying only for knowledge of your will for me. You don't tell me what it is and the power to carry that out. You know, and 12, which I close with this, you know, haven't had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. You try to carry this message to alcoholics. You know, I carried it. I have four sponsors now. I have a wonderful sponsor. You know, I'm always in contact with them all. You know, I'm doing I'm active in my community. You know, I was a self-centered drug and womanizer man. You know, I've been with two women since I was got clean and I was married to both of them. That's that's that's that's huge for this womanizing jerk. You know, and I was so self-centered, you know, I stole a lot. I cheated, you know, and I do. I do. I've done all kinds of volunteer service. My wife and I was doing service today. We do all kinds of service from picking up paper and our neighborhood with these handpickers to handing out stuff to the homeless. You know, we did that part of that. And I'm not saying that for a pat on the back. That's that's progress for this drug. And on all of that is from my higher power, you know, because I'm not white for that. But when I surrender on a daily basis and I turn it over and I can practice all these principles and all my fair honesty, love, kindness, consideration, faith, respect, service, discipline, you know, and the list goes on, you know, practicing these principles. I have a wonderful network. Steve and I reach out every single day, you know, whether we, you know, we might not talk, but we text throughout the day, you know, and I mean, not once, but two or three times, you know, Gila is a vital person in my network. You know, Josh is a vital person in my network. David, you know, Leslie, you know, and so many other people. One of my sponsors is on here now, Jason, you know, he's a big part of my network, you know, because I have to remain teachable because if I don't, I can die. You know, I got I got tonight. You know, I'm sober tonight. I'm planning on if it's not with me tomorrow. First thing I'm going to do is say, God, I'm turning my will and my life over to your care. I'm going to say the third step, say the 11th step prayer. I'm going to talk to my wife. She's in the program, do meditation. I'm going to probably text Steve. I'm going to go to my 930 meeting. You know, and and just try to be of service, you know, and get out of myself. What do I make mistakes every day? The only thing I've done perfectly is not trying not pick up something to alter my reality. Yesterday, I thought I didn't think about it, but I was in so much pain when I found out about my friend, you know, compound and all the other hurt I'm going through. She got stage four bone cancer. I told my wife, I said, I don't want to drink or use. But that's that's that's what I used to take. Refugee. I know that's not going to make it better, but I just want to escape. And I said, I don't want to escape. I just need a reprieve. And if they you know, when I do stuff, I still want God to jump and do it right. And but then God did today to serve to reach out to other people. So I'm a close with that. Thank you all tonight for listening to my story. Thank each and every one of you for being part of my recovery. Thank you. That was really reaching out. We really appreciate you. Thanks, Kerry. Well done. It's been too long since I've seen you. Well done. Awesome story. Thanks, Kerry. Thank you so much for sharing. So great to have you as a friend. You too, David. Thank you, Gary. You know how big of a part of my recovery you are. Thank you. You're a big part of my. Thank you. Thank you, Gary. That's we love you. Thank you, Leslie. Thanks, Anne. Thank you. You know what touched me very much? You know, I it was the it was your your your your fear of abandonment. And, you know, I never thought about that as much, but I lost my father at age 17 and he was also in the war and he had all those fears and PTSD and all that, whatever that's called, but that fear of abandonment. It's interesting. You know, I mean, I've always heard it, but somehow I heard it tonight. Thank you so very much for telling your story. You did such a great job doing and I particularly was relating to your father and the Korean War because of you, Alcoholics Anonymous. God working through you to hold my hand and to comfort me and to know that you care. Well, I need you just as much today as I ever did. And I'm so grateful you're all here. And thank you. It's a wonderful show. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Very great work, brother. Thank you. Yes. Thank you, Carrie. Really appreciate your story. It's very powerful.