We Went to Find Our Inner Child and Discovered What We Desperately Need Is an Adult 😂 – Polly P.

Hi everybody, my name is Polly and I'm an alcoholic. And by God's grace in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, I haven't had a drink since April the 11th of 1977, and for that I'm eternally grateful. I'm really overwhelmed at this conference. There's just not enough words to express my gratitude to Harlan. Thanks, Julia, for having me here. That's so special. It's so nice when you get invited to a conference and they pay for your spouse or a friend or someone. So I got to come to this conference with my husband, Dave, and I'd like for everybody to meet my husband, Dave. Stand up, Dave. And we're two Alkies hooked up, and it's been working for 16 and a half years, so it's a really good deal. It's a good deal. And I'd like to thank Harlan for the neat gifts that we got in the room. That was just so special. But there's just not words to express how I was touched last night by being able to get a cake here at this conference because I was 20 yesterday. And... Applause. And all of you singing happy birthday to me, it's just like, you know, I'm sorry, Joan, but it's my birthday party. And Jim, last night, he was 20, and he was the class of 77 on April the 11th. And then Rod came up to me this morning, and he's April the 11th, except he's the class of 75. So he was 22 yesterday. So it's like, wow, it's... What a special day. And I just... There are just not enough words to thank you. But I walked up on the platform this morning, and I looked at Julia, and I said, what are you doing up here? And it's just really special because Julia is just... Her and I were... They used to call us bookends in California because we were... Wherever one was, the other one was. We were just, like, hooked at the hip. And then she followed a boy here. And that ended, and she's still here. Well, it was her husband. I mean, I guess you do those kind of things. But anyway, we're always trying to get her back to California. And it's just... And it's what a privilege to be here. And I didn't get to hear Linda yesterday afternoon, but I'm so anxious to hear the tape. And I always just... You're just so precious. I always feel... I already feel like I know her. And hearing Steve last night... And Steve, I'm your alter ego. I mean, my story is so similar. I'm an only child. I'm a couch potato alcoholic. I mean, it's just like no fun stuff during drinking. It was just... Sounds so similar. And Ken's here, and I love to hear Ken. And my buddy, Merp. Her and I were together a couple of weeks ago. And she says, you know, this is just getting ridiculous. I'm always having to follow you. It's like Al-Anons always have to follow the alcoholic. They just have to go first. And it's... And Peggy Martin's going to talk on Sunday. And Peggy is a dear friend. But most of all, she's just a mentor to me. I just watch... Dave and I watch her and Dick. And it's just really special at how special that you are to me. Watching you two Alkies marry together. And that's... And I want what you have. I want to do it as long as you've done it. And I want what you have. And it's just... I just feel totally privileged to be here this morning. When I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I got sober in Texas in a little town called Hearst, Texas. And it's between Dallas and Fort Worth. And they have real enthusiastic AA in Texas. And I guess that's what I love so much about Southern California is I love what Clancy and Dick say. They call it pockets of enthusiasm. And I love enthusiastic AA. And I feel it here today. I felt it last night that this is a pocket of enthusiasm. That people are excited about Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, the thing that I need to say, too, about being 20 years sober. I'm so excited about being 20 years sober. Now, they told me when you got to be 20... 20 years sober that you were an old-timer. And then somebody came up to me and says, well, Polly, I'm sorry they changed the rules. There are so many people that are 20 now. You have to be 25. But it was like this has been such a special birthday for me to be 20, to do something for 20 years. But the neatest thing of all about being 20 years sober is that 20 years of sobriety, I'm still on fire with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's right. On fire. And the neat thing about it is, is I know that there are newcomers sitting in this room today. Maybe you've got a few years of sobriety, a few days of sobriety. But I'm here to tell you at 20 years of sobriety, I need this program more than I have ever needed it. I need to go to more meetings than I have ever gone to. I need to sponsor more people. I need to be more active. Because at 20 years of sobriety, I have more to lose than I did when I was one year sober. I have a lot to lose today. So it's really important. And I'm going to ask you to do the same thing. That I stay active in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I loved what Cindy said, and I'm probably going to screw it up totally. But she said, so many people, because of what Alcoholics Anonymous gave them, aren't here for Alcoholics Anonymous anymore. And here they got the gift here. They got all the stuff. And now they're too busy to come to Alcoholics Anonymous because of what Alcoholics Anonymous gave them. And I just pray. I never, ever get there. Because I am so grateful for what this program has given me. At any rate, when I got sober in Texas, they told me that it took three things to be an active member in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I believe that I know that I have those three things. And the first thing was a sobriety date. And I gave you that. And in Texas, we give our sobriety date. And I've heard it given around here in Oregon. I love that. Because they used to say, if you don't have a, you know, if you don't give your sobriety date, maybe it's because you don't have one. Maybe it's because you don't have one. Maybe it's because you don't have one. Maybe it's because you don't have one. And the other was that you have a home group. And my home group is Monday night Seal Beach Speakers Meeting. And I'm there every Monday night, no matter what. And the other is, is that you have a sponsor. And I have a sponsor. And her name is Dottie Harris. So these are the things that I was told to have in Alcoholics Anonymous in order to be an active member of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I also have a higher power who has got a dynamite sense of humor. My higher power, I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I often say I am a recovering Southern Baptist because I had a lot of old ideas about God. But one of the things that I want you to know is I'm not here to bash churches. I really am not a person who gets behind the podium of Alcoholics Anonymous to bash things, bash churches, bash other fellowships, just doing any bashing. Because one of the things that I want you to know is I'm not here to bash churches. One of the things I definitely learned when I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous was when I sobered up, my opinion returned. So I'll do the best I can to keep that to myself and try to relay from the podium the things that I have learned from the great teachers in my life and from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And most of what I've learned from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous has come through these great teachers in my life. Thank you. And I'm going to talk about a lot of heroes in my life. And these heroes are in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I hope you can find some heroes because I'm one of these people that I watch people. I watch what they do. And I watch and I know if I do what they do, then I can have what they have. And those are the things that I've learned to do in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And these teachers have made the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous come alive for me. And that's what I'm so grateful for. But I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I had this old idea about God. And you see, I have a disease of perception. And I love Clancy. He's one of my favorite, favorite teachers. It seems like when Clancy talks, I can hear. And Clancy talks about alcoholism, a disease of perception. And what he says is that my perception of reality. Is distorted. I just can't see the truth. And Ken's going to talk tonight. And Ken talks about delusion. He talks about the delusion of the alcoholic. You know, a lot of us talk about denial. But the delusion is, is that we don't even have a clue what the truth is. You know, I have to suit up and show up for meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because I need you to keep me in touch with the truth. Because you see, I've got this kind of head. That you give me a set of information. It goes in my head. It takes a walk around. And what comes out doesn't even resemble what went in. And that's the kind of head I have. I can take the truth. And I can twist it. And I have, and I love. Because Steve was doing it last night. I can hear, you know, this head going off. And saying these things that no one ever said. But somehow, I can hear something and twist it around. And then my head starts firing. And that's. That's my perception of reality. It's so distorted. And I had that perception as a little girl. This thinking did not start when I took a drink of alcohol. This thinking has always been with me. And I had that thinking in that Baptist church. And I used to sit in the congregation. And these preachers would get up behind the podium. And they would slam their fist on the podium. And their faces would get red. And their veins would stick out. And they'd lean into the congregation. And they'd say things like, if you've thought it, you've done it. And I don't know about any of you. But I was an alcoholic in the making. And I thought a lot. And it was. And I just started to take on this attitude of what's the use. There's no way that God is ever going to love someone like me. And I started with those feelings of just not ever going to be enough. Just never going to measure up. And I'm never, ever, ever going to fit anywhere. Those feelings of hopelessness. Just that hopeless, helpless feeling of not ever, ever, ever going to measure up. And I'm so grateful to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because you have introduced me to a God. And you know this God that I was introduced to lives somewhere way up in the sky. But the God that you've introduced me to. Is God. Yes. is expressed to me through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. In the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it tells me where God is, and it says that God is deep within. And I know that if God is deep within me, that God is deep within you. And what happens is that you speak to me, and I know that God speaks through you to me. I don't know about any of you, but God has never, ever sent me a fax, but he sends me one of you. And what happens is, is thanks to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have been able to have the willingness to listen to the people in Alcoholics Anonymous. And what you have done is you've delivered the truth to me. You have loved me no matter what. You have been willing to tell me the truth, whether I wanted to hear it or not. You have been willing to love me enough to tell me the truth. The miracle of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have this higher power who's got a great sense of humor. I don't know if any of you guys have that. Kind of like this 11th hour higher power. And my higher power has a dynamite sense of humor. My name is Polly. It's not Pauline or Paula. It's Polly. And if you're a little girl and your name is Polly, you're going to be teased a lot. It's going to be things like Polly wants a cracker, Polly Wally doodle all the day. And I don't know about any of you guys, but I'm sensitive. I don't like to be teased. And I don't like to be laughed at. But what I've learned in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous is there's just no negatives in God's world. It's just my perception that it's negative. Everything has a positive result. And today I love having the name Polly. Because I can come into rooms with this many people in it, and most of the time when somebody says Polly, they're talking to me. There's just not very many Pollys in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love it. I didn't know I had a disease called alcoholism. But I knew that I was a drunk and I knew that I was a lush. And I used to drive down the freeways in Dallas, Texas, and I used to pray to God to have heart disease or cancer or something. Because I knew I was dying and I just wanted to die of something respectable. And today I know that the disease of alcoholism is my greatest gift. Because if I didn't have the disease of alcoholism, I wouldn't qualify for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And everything I am or hope to be, I owe to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Sixteen and a half years ago I married Dave. Dave's last name is Pistol. My name is now Polly Pistol. We got a rule around here called Rule 62, just don't take yourself so damn seriously. But I'm here to tell you if you walk around on planet Earth with a name like Polly Pistol, you're going to be a real jerk. If you have a name like Polly Pistol, you learn to lighten up. So I'm really grateful, sweetheart. Dave always tells me that he's made me all that I am. Because if my name wasn't Polly Pistol, nobody would ever remember me. I am also living, breathing proof that you can come to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and not come from the disease of alcoholism. I do not come from the disease of alcoholism. Now I've heard around here, you know, shake an alcoholic's family tree and an alcoholic will fall out. Now the only person that I know that could fit that bill would be my mother's father, my grandfather. And I don't even believe that he was an alcoholic because I never recall him ever doing the things that I did. I never recall people talking about his drinking. The only thing is, is he was the only person who ever drank. So it could have been him. But what I know about the disease of alcoholism, I have learned in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now what happens for me is, is this tells me that this is an equal opportunity illness. It tells me that you get this disease from drinking. I'm sure that it has a genetic characteristic. I'm sure that people who come from alcoholic families also get alcoholism. Excuse me. But what I know for me is, is that the disease of alcoholism, I do not have anybody to blame this disease on. I tried for a long time. Dave and I, a few years, about ten years ago, decided to go find our inner child. I don't know if any of you have decided to find your inner child. But we decided to go find our inner child. And I'm here to report that we found, what we found was that, you know, we act like a child, we behave like a child, we think like a child. It's not inner, it's outer, it's everywhere. What we're desperately trying, what we're desperately trying to find here is an adult. You know, that can act like an adult, respond like an adult, think like an adult. And I'm here to tell you, I'm here to tell you, I'm here to tell you, I am a child. I am a mechanism of my children. I'm going to show you this. I'm not here to say, because I am a woman, I can show you the forms. I didn't mean for the audience to believe it, I just want to apologize. And the problem with children is that children are part of all that galactic movement. They're mare spirit. I don't know what you need to know, you keep getting an idea of finding yourself in this thing of my own. But my information box says I have been a part of all those Echo Shower Fights, that those can be a contributing factor to alcoholism, but you can also get the disease of alcoholism if you're a person like me. And sometimes I had a lot of shame about that when I first came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Well, I can understand how come you're an alcoholic, but why am I an alcoholic? Because, you see, I'm an only child. I understood what Steve said. I am an only child. I'm not adopted, but I'm an only child. And I had this set of parents that absolutely adored me. And if there was anything that was ever done to me that was abusive, it might have been that I was simply loved too much because my parents loved me so much. But, you know, it took me coming to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous to understand that because, you see, in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it talks about the malady of the alcoholic, a spiritual malady. And we talk about this conference as the sunshine of the spirit. And the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about being cut off from the sunshine of the spirit. I know today that my problem was a spiritual malady, a soul sickness. And, you see, these parents loved me so much, but there was no way I could feel it because I was cut off from the sunshine of the spirit. I was just one of these people that, nothing is enough. And I think that's what we all have to realize, that when newcomers come into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, that soul sickness is there. And, gosh, you can take them to meetings. You can do things for them. You can talk to them. You can sit up on the phone all night with them. And nothing is enough. And that's the way I was when I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I couldn't feel the love. So I was just grabbing and grabbing and grabbing for more love. Just to try to fix what was inside of me. And I didn't understand that I needed to heal from the inside out. I'm so grateful to a program called Alcoholics Anonymous because today I know that I have a spiritual illness. And with the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, a loving God, and a fellowship beyond anything I ever, ever expected in all my life, and service in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have got a spiritual healing. I have a spiritual solution to a spiritual illness. I know today that I suffer from a soul sickness. Now, my daddy was 60 years old when he died. And that was, he, my father died 18 years ago. And I'm so grateful to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that I had this program and that I had some semblance of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous so that I could let my dad know how much he loved me. That I knew that. That I knew that he had loved me. And it had only been me and my perception, because of the soul sickness that I had, that I could not feel his love. Now, my mother, she's 79 years old. And if I, I haven't called my mother and told her that I'm 20 years sober. But if I did, I don't know what her response would be because, you see, she's not the least bit impressed with my 20 years of sobriety. Because my mother has 79 years of sobriety. And all of that reminds, just keeps me in the moment that this is, you know, I'm always wanting somebody to understand. I, when I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I just wanted somebody to understand me. And I'm so grateful that you have taught me to be understanding. You see, today, I can understand that my mother doesn't understand. And that's the miracle. And that's the miracle of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. That I'm not standing around with the expectation that the world understand me. My business is to understand you and to understand them. And when I do that, I'm in a much, much better place. And I'm not to say that I came from this perfect childhood and that, you know, all of this life is life. And the thing that I have learned here is that I had a dad who was really angry. And I know today that my father was as powerless over that anger as I became over my anger. And that my mother had come from a real abusive home. She had been abused. And there was a lot of things that she couldn't give me. And what she couldn't give me was a lot of self-esteem because she didn't have any. And I know today that these things sometimes we pass on to our children. But what I've learned, I heard an AA speaker here say one time, and it's been good because I'm an alcoholic mom. I'm a mom who abused her children because of a disease called alcoholism. And what I'm grateful for today is I heard a speaker say to, you know, that he said to his children, all your problems have my name on them, but all your solutions have yours. And what I'm really grateful for is that all my solutions have mine. So thank God I don't have to sit around. Thank God I don't have to sit around. And blame the people who are trying the very best they could to love me. I don't have to blame them for what's wrong with me. And for that, I'm truly grateful. When I was 18 years old, I married an Air Force officer. And I just knew that I had found my knight on shining armor. And we were going to sail off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Well, I had married a sack pilot. And this man was going to be gone. And he was going to be gone for years at a time. And I always love it when Peggy's around because her dad was in the Air Force. And it's just, you know, when people live that lifestyle, they understand what it's like. It's like somebody was talking about being a single parent. Well, you know, it took me about 10 years in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I woke up one day and I thought, my God, I was a single parent. I didn't even realize I was a single parent because there was a camaraderie with all the women, much like the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. We were always out there helping one another. So I understood. I understood about being there for each other. So I guess I just never realized that I was a single parent. But by and large, my husband was gone most of the time. At 18 years old, I took a drink of alcohol. It didn't seem like too big a deal. But it started to give me that feeling without realizing. And I don't remember having this instant feeling of this, you know, it goes down. Dave talks about, you know, he took a drink of alcohol. And he just felt this feeling. And he just chased it until the days he came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. To me, it was more like a medication. You know, it was like taking an aspirin or a medication. Because what it did, it all of a sudden, I was just one of these very nervous people. And it just started to give me that feeling of ease and comfort. I just truly understand the, ugh, that Steve was talking about. It was just like. It just stopped that jumping around that was always inside of me. It seemed like I just always had this busyness inside of me. And when I would take a drink of alcohol, it would quiet that down. Now, I have been a person. Here I enter this living in the military. And I'm going to have to be a responsible wife and a responsible parent. And I don't even know how to be responsible for myself. And I am one of these women that was born and raised in the South. And I love because Merp's here. And she totally understands this. And I was born with the idea that men took care of women. And that's what you were supposed to do. And Merp says that's the way it is. Didn't everybody tell you that? It's still that way. But that's what I was born with, that men took care of women. And I also was one of these people that puffed up a lot. You know, in the South, when you pout, we called it puffing up. And you kind of puffed up. And then it was your business to make me happy. And if you didn't, you didn't love me. I mean, you were supposed to find out what was wrong with me. And you were supposed to make me happy. And I love what Clancy says. Clancy says that we are people who have to be treated special just to feel average. And if you don't treat us special, then we feel rejected. And I understand that. That makes total sense to me. You see, you just had to do more for me. More for me than for other people. I just needed more. And here I am with these little kids. Now I've taken a drink of alcohol. I don't know what this is doing for me. I don't have any, or doing to me, let me put it this way. I know what it's doing for me. It keeps me relaxed. It's like taking a drug. And then along about 1962, we're living in Loring Air Force Base, Maine. It is absolutely the armpit of the world. There's nothing up there but an Air Force base and a lot of snow. And I've got these two little boys. I have no tools in which to be a parent. And these two little boys are driving me crazy. I'm having a nervous breakdown every 20 minutes. And I go to an Air Force doctor, and he says, take these. And from 1962 until 1977, when I came to the rooms, I was a student of Alcoholics Anonymous. I drank alcohol, and I took Librium and Valium and Seconal and Nemutol. And I'm here to tell you, if you take those kind of drugs and drink alcohol, you are not an active alcoholic. And I understood what Steve said about the drugs. I mean, any day I would have given up the drugs for the alcohol. But it seemed like the two of them did what I wanted them to do. And that was I absolutely could not suit up and show up for life. I just couldn't do life. And I simply wanted out. I wasn't Dave's a speed freak and an alcoholic. I do not get that. I don't get that. Why anybody would take drugs to vibrate is beyond my... I don't understand that. I don't understand that. Because, you see, all I want to do is... is just mellow out. I just want to get out. I don't want to feel feelings. I don't want to feel reality. I don't want to suit up and show up for life. I don't want to do life. Life is too hard for me. I don't want to do life. Don't you understand? I'm different. I can't do life. And what that did for me was alcohol and drugs gave me a way to get out of life. I call myself a couch potato alcoholic. I died on my living room sofa, Steve. You died in your chair. But I know what it's like to die there by inches and seconds. I love what Norm used to say. Life is just inches and seconds. And I know what it's like to die there a minute at a time. And just absolutely cannot... Just take another drink. Take another drink. So I don't have to face another minute of life. I just could not do life. And I just laid there on my sofa and died. And watched soap operas and listened to Joan Baez sing the blues. Just absolutely feeling so sorry for myself that I could not do life. I have a son that's sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I've had the opportunity to hear my son's talk from podiums. And I will tell you that my son describes my alcoholism a lot different. He doesn't call it, you know, my mom was a couch potato. Alcoholic. None of that's very funny to him. Because it's very, very different. Because you see, one of the things that I believe in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, it talks about the family afterwards. And one of the things that I think is really important in these rooms is that our children... You know, a lot of people get sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and they get blessed with children. And sometimes I find people that they don't show a responsibility to those children. You know, we've got to show... These are gifts. This is precious cargo that we're giving these children in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And they only get to be little for a little while. And I think because of a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, we're given the tools to be wonderful parents. And for me, I was given a tool to be a wonderful grandparent. But I love to see when these kids have these babies and what they do as they are learning to take care of these children. And I didn't know how to do that. I did not know how to care for my children. And my son talks about his mom being passed out on the sofa. And this little boy is walking back and forth in front of that sofa. And he's gripped with terror because you see his father's gone and he's certain that his mother is dead. That's the disease of alcoholism. This disease comes in and rips the very soul out of our children. I'm so grateful to this program that I've had an opportunity. To stay sober and to be able to do the amends steps with my children. Thank God for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that I was able to sit down with my children and tell them how sorry I am. How sorry I am that I am a child abuser. That what I did to you should never happen to little children. The kind of mother I was should never happen to little children. I didn't have to sit down and say to my children, You shouldn't feel that way. Because you by God should feel that way. These are the things that happened to you. What I'm so sorry about is how sorry I am that it was me that did that to you. But thanks to a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, I've had the opportunity to learn to be the very best mom I can be. But that's not to say when I got sober my sons were 16 and 14. The damage had more than been done. And I watched them. I watched my children go through lives that I wish could never have happened to little boys. Or to young men. Or to teenagers. But by God's grace in this program, an enormous healing has taken place in the past 20 years. But thank God for the courage. You know so many times in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, we accept the things we cannot change. We have a marvelous serenity prayer. And how many of us fail to go to the second line. And being able to have the courage to change the things we can. And I can assure you to go to my children and tell them how wrong I was and how sorry I am. Took a lot of courage and a lot of sponsorship. And for that, I am eternally grateful. I would take nothing for having that opportunity today. I drank alcohol. A lot of alcohol. And by the time I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was drinking over a quart of vodka and taking approximately 20 pills a day. I had the disease really bad. I could not suit up and show up for this program. I did not walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and say, geez, I think I'll get sober. That was not my experience. I ended up having a car wreck that brought me to treatment for the first time. And I entered a treatment center in Uless, Texas. And this treatment center was no fancy jitter joint. This was a county detox. And I entered that treatment center and I liked what I saw there. One of the things I'm kind of surprised about, kind of like Steve, he talked about, you notice I kind of went over the drunk-a-log stuff. I just sort of passed over that. Well, it's not because I don't think that the newcomer needs to identify with the alcoholic and that some people have some great drinking stories. I don't have a great drinking story. I slept through it. So I just want you to know there's no point in talking about it because I slept through it. And that's what I did to my family. I just couldn't be involved in anybody's life. I slept through it. So that's why there's no funny stories to tell. I did all my affairs sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I did all the things that normal people do drinking. I did sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. So that's why I just sort of bypassed that. But I want you to know I drank a lot of alcohol. I took a lot of pills. I really qualify. I qualify big time for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I love it. I'm also a member of the Fellowship of Al-Anon. And I love because I have a bunch of Al-Anon friends. They always tell me, Polly, you're just an Al-Anon who drank too much. But at any rate, it's like I drank a lot of alcohol. And I want that to be really clear because some people come up to me and they'll say, Did you drink much? Oh, yeah, I drank much. I also drank things like NyQuil cough medicine, vanilla extract, and Scope because I always felt like if you couldn't smell me, then you couldn't tell I was drinking. And at that point in time, I smoked about two packs of cigarettes a day. So if somebody carries NyQuil in their purse, nobody asks because you've got these kind of like this cough I've got right now. At any rate, I entered this treatment center. And I had had a car wreck in Irving, Texas, and I had totaled my automobile. And I went into this treatment center, and I really liked what I saw. These people were going to it. They took us to a lot of AA meetings, and I loved what I saw in these AA meetings. But there was something down deep in there. There was something down deep inside of me that said, Polly, people like you don't become alcoholic. And I love what Dave says. Dave says that there are two characteristics. Dr. Teabold says there are two characteristics found in every alcoholic, defiant individuality and grandiosity. And Dave says only an alcoholic can lay in the gutter feeling superior to those looking down on him. So here I was. You know, people like me don't become alcoholic. And while I was in this treatment center, I had what we call in Texas a jitterhouse romance. You know, where sick falls in love with sick and you, you know, walk off into happy destiny. Well, we walked off into happy destiny for 58 days. And I was 12-stepped and brought back into that treatment center. And I had reached that place in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that talks about pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization because I had been beaten up in numerous and sundry other things. And I knew what the problem was. The problem was sobriety. There is absolutely no way I can live sober. There's no way that I can live inside my own skin sober. And you see, I have just described the disease of alcoholism. On that same tape that I was talking about that Clancy talks about alcoholism, a disease of perception, he talks about the disease of alcoholism. And he says on that tape, if alcohol had anything to do with the disease of alcoholism, he would have said, well, it's a disease of perception. And if it had anything to do with the disease of alcoholism, then detox centers would send out sober people or well people. But you see, what happens is, is my problems start when I sober up. Because I have the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that I have a disease that rests in the mind. I have a disease that is in the mind. And that disease is at me all the time. And that's why today, at 20 years of sobriety, it's more important than it's ever been that I suit up and show up for meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And that I be of maximum service. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me what I'm supposed to do. It tells me that I'm to be of maximum service to God and those about me. It tells me that I am to have confidence. It tells me that I am to have constant thoughts of others. I don't understand this. I hear this all the time in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm here to tell you it drives me nuts. Because I don't know what it is. Somebody's walking around, I'm working on me. I'm taking care of me. Well, I'll tell you, working on me and taking care of me got me a seat in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what happened to me. It wasn't until I got to the top of the world, I got busy about what's going on with you, that I began to heal from a disease that is hopeless of mind and body. I did not know how to really get out of myself and think of another human being. At any rate, I began to understand the problem with sobriety. I can't live inside my own skin sober. And I left that treatment center, and I got a bottle of scotch, and I got a bottle of Valium, and I checked into a motel. And Rod and I were talking about this a little bit earlier. And it all comes back to me this time of year. But on April the 8th of 1977, I was pronounced dead on arrival in a hospital in Bedford, Texas. I had had, I just overdosed. And in that year, 1977, April the 8th, was Good Friday. And I once heard Father Leo say, you know, there never could be a resurrection if there wasn't first a crucifixion. And I think what we do with each other, the book, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us that we are reborn, that we die to the spirit and that we are reborn. And I believe with all my heart that each one of us has given ourselves a crucifixion. And because of a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, we get the opportunity to be reborn into a brand new life and to be able to have a brand new perception and to be able to do it differently. And for that, I am eternally grateful. And on April the 11th of 1977, I entered a hospital in Dallas, Texas. Now here was this person that said, people like me don't become alcoholic. And I had been court committed to treatment. In 1977, the state of Texas did not take kindly to people trying to take their own life. And people did things about that, like lock you up. And I'll be forever grateful. And I'm so grateful that I had that opportunity. And that was probably the most loving, kind thing that my ex-husband has ever done for me, is to be willing to have me court committed to treatment. I'd like to tell you some of the things that have happened to me in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love, I also talk what Steve talked about. I talk about great events will come to pass. That's the great fact for us all. And I want to stand here and let you know about my great events. I've received so many gifts in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I am so grateful to the God who has allowed me to stay sober in these rooms. And you see, I don't believe that there's anything special about me that I got the gift of sobriety. I got the gift of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because you see, I believe all of us get the opportunity. I believe that what happens to most people is that the gift of sobriety is given, but what we do is we give it back. I gave it back twice. And by God's gift, by God's grace, I have been able to stay for 20 years. And for that, I am so grateful. Because I know today that I walk in grace. So many people walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and they sit down for a minute, they may sit down for a few days, they may sit down for a couple of years, and then something happens, and they walk back out again. And I'm so grateful today that that hasn't happened to me, that I've got to treasure this gift. And our daily reflections, there's a reading in there that says, sobriety is God's gift to me. What I do with my sobriety is my gift back to God. And I'm so grateful that I've been able to give my gift back to God and be willing to be of service in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. When I got sober, the man that became my first sponsor, you know, God gives you everything you need. And Frank's in the big meeting in the sky. And Frank had been a Monsignor priest. And he had left the priesthood, and he had married a young Taiwanese woman. And he began to spoon-feed the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. But mostly, he began to talk to me about my religious bringing up. And he had told me the things that, all of the things that I had misunderstood. And that I had, see, for some reason, my mother never heard the things that I heard. But somehow or another, I heard these things. And he began to heal me around the church. And today, I'm so grateful. Because, you see, that church told me exactly what you told me. See, this church told me, whatever you sow, so shall you reap. And you told me, if you give it away, you get to keep it. And that whatever you give away comes back tenfold. And they were telling me exactly the same thing. I just couldn't hear it. Because my perception of reality was so distorted. I have a disease of perception. And I began to be active in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And he told me, he says, Polly, you burn the 11th step prayer in your brain. Because it has nothing to do about being understood. It has nothing to do about being loved. It has only to do about being loving. And it has nothing to do about people forgiving you. It's about you forgiving them. And you see, I was one of these people that came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I did this thing, manipulation through kindness. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about that person. You see, I am such a zero. And I have, I think so little of myself. And I hated myself so bad when I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I needed you to validate me. And I love what my friend Albert says. He says, I'm addicted to approval. And I was addicted to approval. I needed you to validate me or I'm a zero. And so what I was doing. And so what I would do is I would do all these nice things for you. Because see what I needed you to do is I needed for you to tell me what a great person I am. Oh, Paula, you're so nice. Oh, Paula, you're so sweet. And the thing is, you would go to the top of my resentment list if I did something nice for you and you didn't appreciate it appropriately. And those were the kind of attitudes that I had when I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm so grateful that I began to learn about alcoholism. And I began to learn about doing it for fun and for free. And Ellen Aldrich had been my sponsor for a lot of years. And Ellen now is suffering from Alzheimer's and she's in a nursing home. And it's, you know, it's a really sad thing to see, you know, one of your heroes. But what's really neat is that she's sober and her husband, Red, died a few years ago. And they were two Alkies hooked up that had over 30 years of marriage. And over 30 years in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And Ellen used to say things to me like, you do something nice for somebody and if you get found out, it doesn't count. And those are the kind of things that I needed to hear. I needed to go and do things nice and not get a pat on the back. And she says, you need to do that for 30 days. And that was kind of what she liked for you to do once a year is you go out there and you do something nice. If it's nothing but going in at your job and picking up all the paper towels and all that kind of stuff, you're not going to get a pat on the back. You're going to go out there and picking up all the paper towels and wiping up all the water that's on the all around. Women can trash a bathroom worse than anything I've ever seen. And go in there and just clean it up and do something kind for somebody else. And those are the kind of things because, you see, I've got that kind of ego that says, well, you know, I just think so little of myself. And that's a lot of ego, too. That kind of ego that needs you to reward me for doing nice. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing. But I'm saying that's a lot of ego that needs to be rewarded me for doing nice things, not being able to understand how to do it for fun and for free. Frank was instrumental in a lot of things that he told us. At three years of sobriety, I divorced in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I've been married to this man for 22 years. And Dave and I got hooked up together, and I'd known Dave since I was six months sober. And he's a year ahead. He's 51 weeks ahead of me. He'll be 21 next Friday, or this coming Friday. And Dave and I became good buds. And we often say if we'd have known we were going to get married, we'd have never told each other the things we told each other. And when Dave and I decided that we were going to get married, we talked to Frank. And Dave alluded to it the same way, except he talked about sequoia trees, and Frank talked about oak trees. And he said, Polly, if you and Dave will plant yourself firmly in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. He said, just like two oak trees, if you'll just plant yourself firmly, those trees will grow strong. And one day you'll look up and you can't tell where one tree begins and the other one ends. And that's a marriage in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And you see... Thank you. And Dave and I, neither one knew how to have a relationship. We both knew how to take a hostage, but neither one of us knew how to have a relationship. Now, I knew how to stay married. I knew how to hang in there. You know, and I knew how to be self-sacrificing and a martyr. And I knew how to just hang in there. Dave knew how to marry a lot. He just went out there and married a lot. So neither one of us knew how to have a relationship. And what we've done through the years is... We've watched people. And I mentioned Ellen and Red. And I used to watch their marriage. And then I have an Al-Anon sponsor, Sally and Albert. And they're an Al-Anon and an alcoholic hooked up together. And they're about to celebrate 50 years of marriage. And I want what they have. And I want to do what they do. And then a miracle took place a few years back. And Dave and I met Dick and Peggy. And Dick and Peggy began to talk about working the tradition. And their relationship. And this was two alcoholics hooked up together. And I wanted to have a marriage like that. They were active in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. They were doing what I lovingly hear Peggy and Dick say all the time. They were doing the deal. They were just doing the deal. And they were happily married. And they had a child. And they had a grandchild. And they were doing all the things that I called so dear. And they were active members of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it was real obvious. That they were real in love with each other. And they began to talk about working the traditions in their relationship. And Dave and I began to do what they do. And took up the traditions and worked them in our relationship. And it's like, you know, what a concept. One more time, whatever I need is in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The answers are in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And for that, I am so grateful. And then I heard Merp talk about working the traditions. And they're in Al-Anon and in AA. Hooked together. And God, you guys went through drinking and you're still here. And those are the kind of things. Those are the heroes in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I want that. I don't want anymore of this feel sorry for yourself whining where's mine. And all of these icky feelings. Because not only is that behavior icky to everybody else. God, the person who's living with all that. It's just so horrible. And I just don't want anymore of that. I want what these people have. I want to do what they do. I want to see the smile on that. I want to have the same smile on my face. And by God's grace, I've been given the opportunity to watch these people walk. And they keep being ahead of me. So I keep getting to follow. And that's what's. And what I hope happens is, is somebody gets to watch me because I got to watch them. And we get to all do the deal. Amen. I want to quickly tell you about my two sons. When I came to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I realized that my 14-year-old son was a full-blown drug addict. And it was, I was devastated. And again, I was like, how can this be happening to me? I'm sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And what happened was that people gave me some great advice. They said, Polly, you suit up and show up for meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous because you may be the only big book James ever reads. And at six and a half years of sobriety, my son called me on the phone and he said, Mom, I want what you have. And at six and a half years before, I was supposed to attend a function at his school. And James looked at me with so much disgust. And he said, don't you dare show up at my school because I am ashamed of you. And six and a half years later, he wants what I have. By God's grace, in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. James celebrated 13 years of sobriety on January the 3rd. And that's another great event that's come to pass. My oldest son is one of our Al-Anons and all us Alcoholics know that an Al-Anon needs one of us or they don't have a purpose for living. And... Murph will get me later. And I was Russ's purpose for living. And I don't know how many times, you know, when we're passed out, we don't breathe too good. And I don't know how many times I've come to with this son screaming, Mom, wake up, wake up, are you dead? And, you know, I haven't had to come to and see that kind of fear on anybody's face in 20 years because of something I'm doing. And for that, I've been overpaid in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. But this son I knew a lot about. I really identified a lot with Russ. Because, you see, he's one of these people that alcohol and drugs didn't work for Russ. But he was one of these people that had a lot of depression. And Russ is one of these people that would cut on himself. And I understood that because I used to do that too. And it was like if I can just feel this physical pain, then I don't have to feel the emotional pain. And Russ had a lot of problems with depression. And I've had a lot of problems with depression in and out of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm going to share with you a solution that I've had for that. I'm just going to backtrack a little bit. And I've talked to some other heroes that have had depression in their lives. And I've had a lot of depression here in these rooms. And one of the ladies came up and I did a workshop in 1987. And that's kind of like when it all came to pass. And about the early part of it. And I said, I'm going to do this. part of 1987, I picked up a book called The Language of the Heart. And in that book, Bill W. has a letter, and it's his last letter to the grapevine. And it's called Emotional Sobriety, Our Next Frontier. And Bill talks about the depression that he had. And my God, I can understand that. I've read several books about him, and I can always understand. And he talked about his demons. And I understood about those demons and those things that just got inside of you. And that self-pity just took over, and pretty soon that hole just got so black. Because for many years in sobriety, suicide was an option. Drinking wasn't an option, but suicide was an option. And I understood that feeling. And he said, and I've worked the steps to the best of my ability, and I've done these things in Alcoholics Anonymous. And he says, what I have finally learned is that no matter what, if I'll just go help another alcoholic, I'll get rid of that. And he said, I'll get rid of that. And I'll get rid of that. And he said, I'll get rid of that. And I'll get rid of that. And he said, I'll get better. And what I've learned in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, when all else fails, when it is my darkest, blackest moment, go help somebody. And absolutely, the lights will come back on. And I understood my son's depression. I understood what that depression was about. Because I had felt it. And I knew how powerless I was. I knew how powerless I was over that depression. Well, what would a good Al-Anon do if his alcoholic sobers up to go marry a practicing alcoholic? And she sobered up. And when she sobered up, the hell began. And my son went and he married another lady. And what he did is for the next year, my son tried to take his life six times. And I absolutely thought I was going to die. And this is just really, really neat. Because a lot of times when I talk about this, it's real special. Because murder is a real special thing. And I absolutely thought I was going to die. And I absolutely thought I was going to die. And I absolutely thought I was going to die. And a turnaround for me was in Albany, Georgia. And my daughter-in-law called me on the phone that day. And I was talking on a morning just like this. I think it was a Saturday morning or a Friday morning. But it was one of the morning meetings. And my daughter-in-law had called me the night before. And she told me that my son had put a pair of scissors in his stomach. And one more time, he was in the hospital. And I was devastated. I was absolutely torn down. And when I tried to get up to talk that morning, I was so torn down. and this man came up to me after the meeting and, you know, when the student's ready, the teacher appears. And this man came up to me and he said, young lady, you and I need to talk. And we need to get into the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And we need to read the chapter to the agnostic. And you need to know that God either is or he isn't. He is either all things or he's nothing. And what God does with his kids is none of your business. And what I was able to do was release my son. And you see, this was nothing new that I had heard. I was told I was a member of Al-Anon at that time. I was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous in good standing. Everybody had told me, turn him over, turn him over. But you see, what the reality is, is I didn't trust God. I didn't trust God because I was afraid if I let God have my son, he was going to take him. And you see, I didn't understand the things we were talking about last night and the things that Rusty talks about. Instead of that, my son was going back to God. God was going to take him from me. I think the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, Selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of our disease. Selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of my disease. That's what I do. I go to me. Look what God's doing to me. But with his help, I was able to release my son. And that's been nine years ago. And nine years, my son has not tried to hurt himself. And that's a great event that's come. And that's a great event that's come to pass. Now, I'm here to tell you that I wish Rust would get into Al-Anon. Thanks. I wish he could get what they have in Al-Anon. And he went for a little while, and that's not for him. But I'm just grateful for the miracle. And another great event came six months ago. And our little Katie was born. And I'm so grateful that my son Rust is alive because now we've got our little Katie. And she's a miracle baby. Her mother had to go through a lot of surgeries because they had said she couldn't have a child. And here we have our precious Katie. The miracle of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, that we get to appreciate the gifts that are so freely given. You see, all my life I had gifts. I had love. I had treasures. But I never could see them. As Chuck C. used to say, I couldn't see them. I couldn't see until the program of Alcoholics Anonymous gave me a new pair of glasses that I could put them on. And appreciate the miracles that were happening around me. I never, ever could see them. On May the 23rd, 1993, we had a wonderful, wonderful miracle to happen. And his name is Ryan David Klingerle. And he is our first grandchild. And if any of you were down at Bill W.'s big family reunion in San Diego, Ryan was there. And he was the man. The main attraction. And he's got this whole head full of curly, curly hair. And everybody walks up and says, oh, he looks just like you. And, of course, I just love that. Well, when Ryan was a year and a half old, we got this devastating news. And we found out that Ryan was profoundly deaf. And, boy, did I have my fist at God. How can this be happening to me? Don't you see how much service I am in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous? Don't you see how many people I sponsor? And, you see, one more time, I feel like because I'm sober, I need to be rewarded for things I do in Alcoholics Anonymous. And one more time, my perception of reality is distorted. But the miracle of this has been that because of Ryan being deaf, he has brought together families that otherwise would have been torn apart. Because Kelly, who is also a member of the rooms, of Alcoholics Anonymous for eight years, comes from a family that was ripped apart by a disease called alcoholism. And James is from a family that was ripped apart by a disease called alcoholism. And because of this little boy, we've all come together. And we've got to learn to sign because it's the only way we can communicate with this little boy. And because of his deafness, we're all healing. Our little grandson, Christian, Kelly got pregnant with Christian. And because of that, we're all healing. And because Kelly had a baby that was born with a birth defect, they do this test on her to make sure that the child she carried was okay. And the test showed that she was in the process of losing the child. And so what did they do? They did a surgery on her and put her for bed rest for the next five weeks, for the next five months. And we have Christian. Now, you can't tell any of us that because of Ryan's deafness, that he didn't save his brother's life. Because we believe without a shadow of a doubt, Kelly would have never gone to the doctor had Ryan not been deaf. The miracles that happen in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to share one other thing because as we were talking earlier, I think maybe sometimes these kind of things need to be shared. Because Steve was talking about his relationship and being 16 years sober and those kind of things happening. And I want to share this because I was talking to somebody earlier who was really having a lot of pain because, you know, I was talking to somebody earlier who was really having a lot of pain. And I was talking to somebody earlier who was really having a lot of pain. And I was talking to somebody earlier who was really having a lot of pain. And they lost their job and they were living on credit cards. And all of this stuff was happening. And I just want to share because I know that Peggy and Dick were such a help to Dave and I when this happened. And four years ago, Dave lost his job. And we were there. And, you know, we were, I mean, he was without work. And he couldn't find a job. And we ended up losing our house and living on credit cards. And, you know, the embarrassment of how can this be happening when you're 16 and 17. You're sober. How can this, how does this happen? You know, we ought to be better than this. And somebody was saying, I don't know if it was Rusty or Steve, and saying that somewhere in this big book it says when you get to this age it ought to be better. And things ought to be different. But, you know, the reality is, is life is life. So, you know, and the thing that happened for me is the biggest deal was, was the ego. And that was, you know, I didn't want people to know that we were losing our house. I didn't. What will people think? Again, I'm addicted to approval. Again, one more time, the ego has to be smashed. And that's what the big book says. You know, it is the leveling of the ego that brings me closer to God. And I can remember in Texas we used to say this little saying about ego was easing God out. And it's like the leveling of the ego brings me closer to God. And there's a guy in Washington, D.C. by the name of Sandy B. And he says, we come to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And our receivers are broke. And what happened was, is I had to learn to receive. And I didn't want people to take me to dinner and give me things. And I couldn't give back. Because, Rusty, I understand you can't be beholding to these people. You've got to do more so you're on top. And I had to let people help me. But I was angry at God. How can this be happening? But, you know, I can sit here and say and look at people who are having that problem and say, You can stay sober. And you can stay sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. You can have a life full of joy. And you can go to bankruptcy court. Because that's what's happened to us. And you can lose your house. And you can do these things. And you can still suit up and show up and do the deal. And you will not die. You can stay sober. You can stay sober. And it's okay. And you can learn the lessons. You can learn the lessons that need to be learned. And it's just my perception of reality that's distorted. And one more time, when I thought it was the worst thing that could happen, it's become my greatest blessing. And I just want to share one other thing. And then I'm going to shut up. A few months ago, I got real sick. And I never put a lot of value. I didn't think. You know, somehow or another, I just kind of felt like I was different. And I said, you know, you may need to rest. And you may need to do those things. But, you know, I'm different. And I can remember even having these ideas that somebody would call me up and say, but I don't feel good, so I'm not going to a meeting. And I would sit there and say, I wouldn't say it, but I'd say it to myself. Oh, for God's sake. You know, I work a 40-hour week. I travel on the weekends. I da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And, you know, all this stuff. You know, look what I do. You wimpy little so-and-so. Get to the meeting, you know. And I don't. Have these, you know, these ideas. Well, I got really sick. In fact, it's really funny that Julia and I are here because Julia took me to the hospital that day. She says, I'm not watching this one more minute. And took me to the hospital. But the thing about it is, is that I nearly lost my life. And I know today that I cannot be of any service to God. And I cannot do anything in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous if I don't take care of the vehicle that carries around everything. So when you get ready to do something that's destructive to your body. I remembered a long time ago in that Baptist church. And it said that this is the temple of God. And if I don't sweep the temple and if I don't take care of it, I cannot be of any service to God. And today I have an appreciation for the life that has been saved of mine many times. You know, I think we're people that have lives like cats. We have nine lives. And we get blessed over and over and over. And I got blessed one more time. Because I had the same kind of pneumonia that took Jim Henson, the Muppet guy. And you know, most people that have it are not around to talk about it. And one more time I'm here and it's my miracle. And you know, my miracle started on April the 11th of 1977. And God has never ceased for one minute in 20 years to show me how much he loves me every single day. And my only problem is, is there's just so many times I am not aware and I don't appreciate. And I don't appreciate the gifts that have been so freely given to me. And all of my great events that have come to pass, most of the time I've been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I forget to see how blessed I really am. And you know, I may not have money and I may not have all the things that we think of a rich man. But I'm here to tell you with the love I have and the friends I have and the gifts that I've been given, I am absolutely the richest woman on earth. I have been given it all. Thank you. If you'd have told me to make a list of all the things that I wanted in sobriety, I never had the nerve to ask God to give me the things that he's given me. But you see the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, Left to me I would have settled for so much less. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, Left to my own devices I'll self-destruct. The very best I could do for me is to get me pronounced dead on arrival. But thanks to a program called, Alcoholics Anonymous, you've breathed life into me. And today, I am the woman I always wanted to be. I wish I felt self-worth all the time, but I don't. I wish that I felt that I was enough all the time, but I don't. But the miracle is, it talks about progress, is that I feel it a lot more every year. I feel a lot more that self-confidence that we talk about. And I know what that self-confidence is. That's God consciousness. Because when I'm walking and I know that I'm God's kid, I know that I am all that I can be. But it's those times when I take God out and start to feel that me, me, me, me, and feel sorry for me. And when I'm in that self-pity, there's no way that God can shine his light inside of me. Because what I do is I cut God out of my life. And I begin. And I begin to get in the mire. And I'm so grateful today that I have more days that I'm enough than I have when I'm not. I've been married to one man for 16 and a half years. And I've loved that man with all my heart. And I couldn't do that when I first came here. I could not do that. I self-destructed in so many ways behind relationships and sex. And today, I have a man that I love with all my heart. And you have taught me to be a good wife. A place where I always felt. Like a failure was with my two sons. And my sons have told me that I am the mom they always wanted me to be. And about 9 o'clock this morning, I talked to my son James on the phone. And he says, Mom, you tell these people I have a message for them. You tell them how proud I am that you're 20 years sober. And that you showed me the way to this program. And you tell those people that your son James loves you. And my friends, that's a great event that's come to pass. Thank you. When I was in center hospital, one of the counselors used to start every day with a prayer. And I end my AA talks with it because it's what this program means to me. I saw my God, my God, I could not see. I saw my soul, my soul eluded me. I saw my God, my God, I could not see. I saw my brother, and I found all three. God bless. I love you.