Wanda M. – Fear – Overcoming Fear in Recovery – 2006

you you Literatura, verdad, que el miedo es una emoción normal, tú sabes, y no hay nada malo con tener miedo. Creo que dice que el miedo es una cosa que todos tenemos y que el miedo no es nada grave simplemente cuando dejamos que el miedo nos paralice. Creo que dice que el verdadero valor, el valor auténtico proviene no de vivir sin miedo, en la ausencia de miedo, sino en poder atravesarlo, atravesarlo a pesar del miedo. Tú sabes, yo para mí el miedo es una cosa que yo siempre lo he tenido desde que yo me acuerdo, desde que yo pienso, creo que el miedo estuvo presente en mi vida y desde niña me acuerdo que el miedo es una cosa que yo siempre he tenido desde que yo me acuerdo, Yo me acuerdo, le tenía terror al miedo, incluso yo creo que mis hermanos usaban eso mucho en mi contra, porque usaban el miedo, el miedo a algo desconocido, verdad, que me acuerdo cuando niña que yo me acostaba a dormir y siempre quería que mi mamá dejara la luz prendida, porque tenía un temor de que algo se iba a acercar que yo no sabía ni lo que era, tú sabes. Incluso a veces con un deseo increíble de tener que orinar y lo aguantaba para no ir al baño. Porque no estaba consciente ni knew she was going to die. porque yo tenía un miedo de bajarme de la cama porque creía que había algo ahí debajo. So yo, desde que yo reconozco, yo tenía miedo, tú sabes. Lo que fue sucediendo fue que con el tiempo aprendí a taparlo, a cubrirlo con las drogas. Y este, bueno, cuando empecé a hacer eso, pues entonces sentía miedo, pero no hasta el punto de que no me importaba, tú sabes, de que yo hacía lo que fuera y me daba lo mismo porque las drogas como que me daban ese valor. Y entonces cuando yo llegué a estos cuartos, ¿verdad?, que lo primero que tuve que hacer fue dejar de consumir, el miedo empezó a agobiarme otra vez. Me acuerdo todavía hoy, tú sabes, cuando yo llegué aquí al principio, yo llegué con mucho miedo. Me acuerdo que cuando entré a mi primera reunión, yo no quería ni entrar, tú sabes, parecía, me acuerdo como hoy, que era un gimnasio bien grande y era como que, yo creo que en aquel entonces yo lo veía más grande de lo que era porque parecía que tú entrabas y la junta estaba al final del salón y había que caminar un trecho larguísimo. A mí se me hizo bien largo llegar hasta allá. Y me acuerdo cuando llegué a esa junta, ¿verdad?, pues me parecía que todo era diferente. Tú sabes, de que yo, yo me sentía como que yo no pertenecía ahí. Incluso, bueno, la junta eran todos hombres los que habían ahí adentro. Y ninguno era latino, ninguno hablaba español y fue bastante miedo el que yo sentí en aquel entonces. Pero una de las cosas que yo he comprobado, que todavía hasta hoy lo hago, es que cuando yo tengo miedo, a veces yo me tiro de cabeza, tú sabes, aún con miedo. Y cuando yo tengo miedo, a veces yo me tiro de cabeza, tú sabes, aún con miedo. Pero en aquel entonces, pues, se me hacía bien difícil lo que ha pasado hasta ahora porque yo no he dejado de sentir miedo todavía. Yo siento miedo. Incluso aquí delante de ustedes siento miedo porque lo que yo pienso es que voy a hacer el ridículo aquí al frente o que me van a juzgar por la manera en que yo hablo o me expreso o un sinnúmero de cosas. Y lo que he hecho hasta ahora es enfrentar al miedo. Y lo que sucede a estas alturas, después de haber vivido tantas experiencias tan bonitas en Narcóticos Anónimos, como que ya el miedo no es hasta el punto que me paraliza. Pero al principio era así. Me acuerdo que cuando yo llegué a estos cuartos, tú sabes, yo no me atreví a dar ni un paso hacia adelante sin primero, pues, preguntarle, ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué pasa? Llegué a este cuartzo. Cpez la estaba haciendo a la más alta. Para que nos suba hasta allá. Siempre he estado hacia adelante sin primero, pues, preguntarle a. Le preguntaba a 20 000 personas, tú sabes. Que no le preguntaba solamente una persona. Una persona me daba una contestación y iba donde la próxima y la próxima y la próxima. Porque era como un miedo a hacer hasta una simple decisión como si doblara la derecha o la izquierda. Porque yo lo que tenía, tú sabes, yo lo que basaba Eso era en que siempre todo lo que yo hacía o todo lo que yo tenía había que serıldı a la mano en X. Porque siempre tu te vas a explicar que estoy recorriénd. tocaba se convertía en mierda. Yo tenía un miedo, tú sabes, a vivir. Yo tenía un miedo a vivir, tú sabes. Yo tenía un miedo increíble, pero según fue pasando el tiempo, yo fui superando eso. No el miedo, tú sabes, no hasta superar el miedo, simplemente a poder atravesarlo aún sintiéndolo, tú sabes. No dejarlo que me paralice, tú sabes. Y en Narcóticos Anónimos fue que yo aprendí eso. Por medio de los pasos y de otros compañeros que me guiaron, mi madrina, y otros compañeros también que me ayudaron porque yo hacía muchas preguntas. Me acuerdo que cuando yo llegué a estos cuartos, pues, lo primero que me dijeron era que no podía consumir y eso era un miedo increíble para mí porque pensar, enfrentar la vida sin una sustancia, eso era algo agobiante para mí. Es que yo no me podía imaginar cómo sería mi vida sin droga. Y eso a mí me asustaba, pero claro, yo veía cómo ustedes vivían, veía cómo ustedes se veían y yo quería eso. Y a veces hasta dudaba, tú sabes, porque algunos de ustedes estaban demasiado de alegre en esta junta. Yo decía, esta gente se tienen que estar metiendo algo, ¿verdad? Yo no podía creer que uno podía ser tan, tú sabes, feliz sin droga a pesar de que al final del camino no había nada de felicidad en mi consumo, tú sabes, porque yo no me acuerdo cuando yo llegué a estos cuartos y al final del camino yo no me acuerdo cuándo había sido la última vez que yo me reí, así que no haya sido por necesidad, tú sabes, yo me reía, así eso todas mis emociones eran basado en lo que yo iba a conseguir, con quién lo iba a conseguir y dónde lo iba a conseguir. Yo no era yo, tú sabes, y entonces aquí yo no tenía nada de eso para que me motivara y que era la droga lo que me movía a mí, tú sabes, entonces aquí libre de droga yo como que no me encontraba, andaba siempre perdida y desorientada pero yo lo que hacía era seguir el que iba más adelante de mí porque como le dije, tú sabes, yo no confiaba en mis propios instintos ni mi propia percepción porque lo que yo todo lo que yo veía, creía y vivía estaba distorsionado, tú sabes, y era evidente en mi vida. So, llegué a estos cuartos, ¿verdad? Entonces me dijeron que tenía que dejar de consumir, que fue lo primero que tuve que hacer y claro, yo estaba dispuesta a hacerlo porque anyway, ya yo estaba que aunque quisiera no me podía meter, si ya yo no podía buscarme ni la comida de un mono en la calle, yo estaba bien explotada, ¿verdad? So, dejé de consumir y entonces me dijeron ahora, tú sabes, tienes que ser responsable, ¿verdad? Y eso es otra cosa que a mí también me asustó cuando yo llegué a estos cuartos, yo nunca había trabajado en mi vida, yo me había salido de la escuela, yo no sabía leer, tenía un nivel de segundo grado, este, tenía casos criminales, tú sabes, tenía muchas cosas que yo no sabía cómo yo iba a poder ser una persona responsable, me dijeron que ya no podía prostituirme, ya no podía robar, que ahora tenía que ganarme la vida honradamente y yo nunca había podido hacer eso, tú sabes, yo nunca lo había hecho antes y no creía que tenía la capacidad para hacerlo, ¿verdad? Aparte que yo no creía que a mí nadie me iba a querer emplear anyway, ¿para qué? Si yo no sabía hacer nada, lo que yo sabía hacer de honradez no tenía nada, so, eso fue otro miedo que yo tuve que enfrentar y, claro, así fue, tú sabes, poco a poco yo fui aprendiendo, me fui aplicando, este, pues, me busqué, me acuerdo que me busqué mi primer trabajo, que esa gente me agarraron y yo bien orgullosa de mi trabajo, que era una compañía de esas que venden pollo frito, ¿verdad? Yo odiaba ese trabajo, pero me lo estaba ganando honradamente, ¿verdad? Y eso era un orgullo para mí, me acuerdo que cuando me dieron el uniforme, yo hasta lo planché bien filoteado y todo, tú sabes, bien orgullosa y me acuerdo que me habían treneado en la caja de las registradoras y eso para mí fue una cosa bien grande porque a mí, tú sabes, confiarme con dinero ajeno, tú sabes, eso no era algo que, nadie hacía, más a mí no me mandaba a la tienda ni con un peso, ¿sabes? So, yo bien orgullosa de mi trabajo y yo siempre venía a esta junta y lo compartía porque en realidad todos los triunfos míos yo se los debo a ustedes aquí en los cuartos que fueron que me enseñaron, me llevaron de la mano todo el tiempo y me acuerdo que cuando llegué ahí a trabajar la caja registradora, lo que me dieron fue un saco de repollo y me dijeron, no, todas las las, las, las, los empleados aquí empiezan en la cocina, ¿sabes? Yo bien desilusionada porque me dieron ese saco de repollo de 100 libras y un cuchillo así de grande y me dijeron, pega a trabajar, tú sabes, yo, ¿sabes? Yo lo hice porque yo no tenía más remedio y, y yo odiaba ese trabajo y yo me acuerdo que yo venía a estos cuartos desesperada porque yo decía, men, yo sé que yo no voy a hacer esto para el resto de mi vida, yo no puedo hacer esto para el resto de mi vida, yo tenía un callo en el dedo así de grande, de tanto picar ese contrayado repollo, pero yo seguía viniendo aquí a estos cuartos y así, me fueron enseñando y lo que me dijeron, tú sabes, porque a mí me llevaron como un niño de la mano, me dijeron, pues, Wanda, vete a estudiar para que puedas, tú sabes, superarte, ¿verdad? Porque era de la única manera que yo lo iba a hacer aquí y todo lo que yo hacía, yo lo hacía con miedo. Me acuerdo que cuando fui a colegio a tomar ese examen para ver a qué nivel estaba, para ver si me podían ayudar para poder ejercer alguna profesión que no fuera el repollo ese, ¿verdad? Y con un terror enorme, me acuerdo que tomé ese examen porque yo veía las preguntas y como que no las entendía y por más que las leía no las entendía, pero yo hice lo mejor que yo pude, que fue lo que me enseñaron aquí y me dijeron, bueno, tú puedes estudiar, pero tienes que empezar en este nivel así, este, que es un curso básico, tú sabes, yo estaba leyendo como un niño de siete años, de segundo grado, pero así sucesivamente yo fui superando eso y a pesar del miedo, fui poniendo un pie delante del otro y siguiendo yendo hasta junto y compartiendo como yo me sentía, porque yo me sentaba en aquel salón y yo veía a todas esas muchachas chamaquitas y una vieja allá, tú sabes, me metía ahí adentro y después un miedo alzar la mano a preguntar porque nadie alzaba la mano y yo era la única que entendía, yo preguntaba, el que no entendía en ese salón, yo creía, pero así, así sucesivamente yo tuve la oportunidad de graduarme con honores de la universidad y eso fue un logro que yo pude hacer y eso fue caminando a través del miedo, sabes, porque todo el tiempo que yo estuve ahí adentro, yo tuve miedo, pero seguí haciéndolo, poniendo un pie delante del otro. Otra cosa, tú sabes, que yo he tenido que enfrentar es que cuando yo llegué aquí a recuperación, yo descubrí que yo tenía el HIV y le tenía hepatitis C y eso fue algo que también a mí me asustó mucho, ¿verdad? Yo he visto mucha gente morir de SIDA y a mí me aterroriza eso, la verdad es que me aterra. Gracias a Dios, tú sabes, yo he tenido la bendición de que yo he estado bien saludable, tú sabes, de que no he tenido necesidad de ir a tener un hospital en las condiciones que yo he visto muchos compañeros llegar, ¿verdad? Pero han habido ocasiones que yo siento un miedo, me sale un tempo o cualquier cosita y ya rápido estoy cagada del miedo creyendo ya me explotó esta mierda, tú sabes, porque esa es la realidad, tú sabes. Y haciéndole veinte miles preguntas al doctor, tú sabes, y incluso cuando he visto, tú sabes, algunos compañeros que han caído bastante grave y este dinero que enterra la gente de esta enfermedad me viene un miedo bien cabrón, tú sabes, de que yo digo, Dios mío, tú sabes, yo no quiero tener que vivir, por esa experiencia, tú sabes, de que si yo me voy a morir, que sea de cualquier otra cosa, pero que no sea de esa enfermedad, porque de ver tan solo nada más de cómo mueren alguna gente, tú sabes, tanto dolor y tanta miseria me asusta, tú sabes, y por lo general yo soy, yo me siento, tú sabes, bien saludable y me siento, tú sabes, segura de mí y no le temo a la enfermedad, pero tan pronto veo a alguien que se está muriendo de SIDA, como que me entra un pánico horrible, tú sabes, porque pienso, tú sabes, que si ese va a ser mi destino, pero gracias a Dios ese pánico viene y se va y no me detiene, tú sabes, de seguir haciendo lo que yo estoy haciendo, ¿sabes? Otra cosa también que para mí fue bien miedoso fue, este, tú sabes, mendar con mi hija, pues yo tengo una nena que, una nena, ya cumplió 26 años hace par de semanas, pero para mí es mi nena, tú sabes, la única que tengo, y enmendar con ella, yo creía que iba a ser fácil, ¿verdad? Porque yo llevo ya, yo llevo 11 años limpia, yo cumplo 12 años limpia el 29 de este mes, ¿verdad? Ya. Y, este, tú sabes, para mi nena, el tan solo verme limpia es un alivio bien grande para ella, porque ella a mí ni me veía, tú sabes, cuando me veía yo estaba bien mal. Son una de las cosas que yo pensaba que iba a ser fácil, hacer enmendar con ella, porque el solo hecho de que no me viera consumiendo, de que me viera limpia, iba a ser suficiente, pero hoy descubrí que a través de los pasos yo tenía que enmendar con esa nena y sentarme con ella y hablar y tener que visitar esos lugares, gracias. Visitar esos lugares tan dolorosos para mí, como cuando la abandoné, tú sabes, cuando, cuando ella más me necesitaba, que yo no estaba ahí, tú sabes, cuando le causé mucha vergüenza, tristeza, cuando le robé, tú sabes, todas esas cosas que yo tuve que visitar para poder hacer esas enmiendas con ella, fue bien difícil para mí y un miedo increíble, tú sabes, pero una de las cosas que sucedió fue que cuando por fin le di caras al asunto y hice lo que tenía que hacer, fue un alivio bien grande. Y eso es lo que siempre ha sucedido conmigo y el miedo, que cuando yo voy encaminándome hacia esas cosas que me aterran, voy con mucho miedo, pero según las voy atravesando, como que el miedo va desapareciendo. Yo creo que, como dice la literatura, yo creo que lo dice en la meditación, que el valor auténtico es poder sobrepasar el miedo, hacer lo que yo tengo que hacer a pesar del miedo, tú sabes, el miedo, cuando no me asusta una cosa, me asusta otra, pero yo siempre ando por ahí, tú sabes, con miedo, pero lo único que es diferente ahora es que a pesar del miedo, tú sabes, yo siento como que me palpita el corazón bien rápido y las manos me sudan y como que la respiración como que se excita, ¿verdad? Pero aún hago lo que tengo que hacer y lo que sucede es que después que paso por lo que tengo que pasar, veo que no era tan gran cosa como era, que más el miedo era en mi cabeza porque la situación no era ni lo que yo me creía. Pero esto es algo que yo he aprendido a través de los pasos, tú sabes, porque yo, como yo veo las cosas, es muy diferente a como realmente son. Y yo trato de convencerme de lo contrario, ¿verdad? Pero en realidad, aunque por más que digo, no, tú sabes, la evidencia de mi pasado, tú sabes, todo lo que yo he vivido, todo lo que yo he logrado en recuperación debe ser suficiente para mí como para saber que lo que sea va a estar bien. Y es bien fácil, uno verlo así, pero en el momento que yo estoy pasando por la situación, ando cagada del miedo, tú sabes, pero lo hago como quiera. Y muchas veces es porque no me queda otra, tú sabes, porque yo soy de las que cuando estoy acorralada en la esquina, que ya no puedo más, que no me queda más remedio, enfrento lo que sea. Pero yo trato de evadir esas situaciones por el miedo. Pero ya llega el momento de que no tengo otra, no me queda otra alternativa, tengo que enfrentarlo y pues, ni modo, lo hago, ¿verdad? Siempre, una de las cosas, las herramientas que yo uso para combatirles el miedo es otro adicto en recuperación, tú sabes, que es muy valioso para mí porque, tú sabes, este, como yo digo, uno puede trabajar los pasos veinte miles veces, pero a veces yo necesito como alguien ahí, tú sabes, presente, que yo pueda tocar, agarrar, que me encamine, tú sabes, que me guíe, que, a veces yo creo que yo estoy haciendo las cosas bien y no están bien, tú sabes, e incluso a veces me dicen, Wanda, no lo hagas, no lo hagas, que te va a pasar esto, lo otro, y yo, a esa gente no saben de lo que están hablando, y cuando hago eso, siempre sufro un dolor bastante fuerte, tú sabes. Yo, ahora, hoy, actualmente en mi vida, yo creo que es en el momento que mejor yo estoy viviendo, tú sabes, y tú sabes, y no es que yo esté viviendo la vida lujosa, ni nada así por estilo, porque yo no tengo en qué caerme muerta, la verdad, pero espiritualmente me siento tan rica, tú sabes, y es porque hoy yo dependo de mí, tú sabes, y de Dios, tú sabes, yo no estoy dependiendo de otros individuos, tú sabes, y aparte de eso es también de que yo estoy viviendo en una forma de que yo estoy tomando las cosas día por día, sabes, no estoy concentrándome en lo que yo pueda convertirme, ni en lo que yo era antes, simplemente en lo que soy hoy, y eso como que me da una tranquilidad enorme. Yo, yo he visto que según ha pasado el tiempo, tú sabes, por medio de esta junta del compañerismo, la confraternidad de mis hijas, de mi madrina, tú sabes, de mi familia, tú sabes, de todo este amor que yo recibo de tantos lados, tú sabes, de tantas personas, como que me dan el valor que yo necesito para encaminar en este camino que yo no sé ni hacia dónde me lleva, porque en realidad yo no sé para dónde yo voy, yo lo que sé es de dónde vengo, pero confiando de que para dónde voy tiene que ser mucho mejor que de dónde vengo, tú sabes, yo, yo, yo, yo estoy bien agradecida de Narcóticos Anónimos, y a veces pienso de que, tú sabes, porque yo no quiero decir que yo me alegro de ser la dista, pero me alegro de haber encontrado este programa, porque si no fuera por este programa, yo no sé dónde yo estaría, tú sabes, yo también tengo muchas personas que dependen de mí, como mi mamá, mi nieto, tú sabes, mi trabajo, en la comunidad, tú sabes, en las juntas, y en muchos sitios, tú sabes, que yo siento que gente que depende de mí, y eso como me inspira, y me da el valor para seguir hacia adelante, yo sé que todo lo que yo he logrado, y todo lo que yo soy, y todo lo que yo doy, no es mío, esto es algo que Dios está haciendo a través de mí, y eso es algo que también es una bendición para mí, porque yo antes yo no creía en nada, tú sabes, yo no creía que yo era digna de la misericordia de nadie, tú sabes, de que yo pensaba de que todo lo que me sucedía a mí era lo que yo me merecía, y que yo no podía esperar nada bueno de nada, tú sabes, porque por la manera en que yo vivía, por las cosas que yo había hecho, siempre como que estaba, siempre esperando lo peor de todo, tú sabes, lo peor, en todas las situaciones, esperaba lo peor, pero lo que sucedió con eso fue, que según yo iba viviendo y practicando estos principios lo mejor que yo puedo en todos los asuntos de mi vida, se fue demostrando lo contrario, de que las cosas se resolvían, a veces, tú sabes, cuando yo me veo en situaciones en las cuales yo no sé, tú sabes, que tengo un miedo horrible y no sé qué hacer, tú sabes, yo digo, ay Dios mío, ¿qué voy a hacer? Tú sabes, en esos momentos, porque antes yo decía, cuando yo no sé qué hacer, yo no hago nada, pero hoy en día eso no es cierto para mí, cuando yo no sé qué hacer, yo le pido a Dios, tú sabes, y Él siempre me encamina, tú sabes, yo, yo todavía, tú sabes, yo siento miedo, pero, pero no es ese miedo que, que no me permite poner un pie adelante, yo sigo poniendo un pie delante del otro y confiando que lo que viene por ahí va a ser mejor de lo que yo he tenido, claro, cada vez, de vez en cuando y de mil en cien, pues, de mil en cien, no, cada jatito, meto las patas y las meto a tajón, tú sabes, porque, yo no meto una, yo meto las dos, ¿verdad? Pero yo voy aprendiendo de esos golpes también, tú sabes, y es como me dice mi madrina, tú aquí no vas a ser perfecta, ¿sabes? Por más que tú trates de hacer las cosas bien, tú vas a dar tus tropezones, porque con los tropezones que tú vas a aprender, ¿sabes? El que no arriesga nada, no gana nada, ¿sabes? Pero lo cierto es que las cosas que, que yo arriesgo hoy, tú sabes, son muy diferentes a las que yo arriesgo, que yo arriesgaba antes en la calle, tú sabes. Ah, yo estoy bien agradecida de Enea, yo no sé qué sería de mí si no fuera por este programa, y se refleja, no tan solo en mi vida, pero en la vida de la gente que me rodea, tú sabes. Yo tengo la bendición de que, tú sabes, mi mamá, mi mamá creía en este programa y ella nunca estaba en una junta, pero ella, me acuerdo que mi hermano iba para allá a quejarse de que esto, de que lo otro, y ella decía, tú lo que necesitas es un mirin de esos que va Wandi. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I can only tell you that don't let fear stop you from trying the blessings of this program. They told me not to leave before the miracle happens. And I have proven that it has not been a miracle. There have been many miracles that I have lived through this program. And those that are missing, because they say that heaven is the limit in this program. And I have proven it. Today, today, precisely today, there is no fear that really worries me. The only one when I entered this room, because I was going to stop here in front of you to talk, but I am living today without fear, you know. And that is a blessing, and that is today. Tomorrow, if you ask me, maybe I can make you have one, right? Because one never knows, right? Because they come and go, come and go. But only for today. The one I had, I already faced it and I already walked through it. Thank you very much for letting me share. I am addicted. My name is Gerardo. Another applause for Wanda, please. Now, let the angel of Milwaukee follow. At this time, the meeting turns bilingual. Bilingual. I'm an addict. My name is Angel. And it's funny how things work out, because, you know, Wanda and I have done the same thing at, where the hell did we do that? About six, seven years ago, we did the same thing at the Juanitos Club. Down in Chicago, Wanda went in Spanish and I went in English, you know. And so, anyways, before I start, though, man, I would like to ask everybody to get in touch with whatever higher power you might believe in so that we get in the spiritual mode of this thing, because that's what helps me out a lot. Thank you. And that's the way I walk through my fears, you know. And for most of you, well, for those that don't know me, man, I grew up here in East Chicago, Indiana. I was originally from Mexico, and I came here when I was two years old. And I was born out in a little ranch, what they call it a ranch, but it's out in the country, in Jalisco. And it's real, it was real primitive back then, you know what I mean? They didn't have electricity. They didn't have water. And my mom and dad were real poor. And I have one. I have one of those fathers who comes from the old school, you know, where this children is property, you know, and has no say in stuff like that. And I only say that to say this, though, that from when I was a baby in the cradle, my dad would terrorize me. He's got a temper that still scares me to this day. And so I learned terror, you know, not fear, terror at a very early age, you know, and not because my dad. He's just mean just because that's the way he is. And because I'm an addict, that terror has been a strong force in my life most of my life. And, you know, being a little Mexican guy, you know, here in the United States with a guy named Angel, too, man, it was a lot of problems for me when I was little, you know. People would make fun of me. They'd say my name was a girl's name. And I'd say, man, I ain't no girl. You know, you're implying that I'm a sissy or something. And I never liked to fight, man. Fighting to me would always be like, you know, it would be terrifying. But I would do it anyways because I have that same rage that my dad had when he would beat me up. And so I found out that one of the ways to get over fear is by being very violent, you know, being violent. And getting so-called respect, you know, being crazy. You know, it's like Tony, man. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. He calls me crazy. You know, I don't know where he got the Pete from, but the two-gun thing was true. It was true. I did carry two guns at one time, you know. And I did shoot a bunch of people here in the harbor. I killed a guy here at Gary. I shot another guy in Wisconsin. And I went to jail for that stuff, you know. And, you know, it's not something that I'm proud of, but it's something that happened, you know. And that was my way of dealing with things, of being terrified. You know, and I think one of the things. The worst things about fear is, especially in a man with a Hispanic background, is that you can't say it. You can't tell people you're afraid because to admit fear would somehow be less than a guy. You know what I'm saying? There's so much shit that I learned as a kid, man, that just served me to no end. It didn't serve me well at all. And so, you know, most of my life I spent in fear and in terror. The terror was there when it got physical. But the fear, I've always been a fear of people in authority. I was afraid of priests and nuns when I was little because they spooked me. And I had to go to catechism and do all that. I was afraid of teachers because I went to Chicago Riley where they beat you with the ruler and Mr. McShane with the rubber hose, you know, and Mr. Laver, fucking-ass Laver, washed my mouth out with lava soap, you know, and shit like that. And I could never understand why older people would do these bad things to me, you know. And what's bad about being an addict is that these things that people did to me, I do it to others, you know. And it's just a strange cycle, man, you know. But being an addict, man, takes fear and becomes comfortable, man. You know what I'm saying? To master fear, that's why I stayed out there so long, man, because once I got high, the fear went away, you know. I remember going to. I remember going to the Catherine House before it was the Boys and Girls Catherine House in 1960, man. And there were some people there that said, man, they're going to show us a movie. And it was the police, you know, they were showing us a movie about the dangers of sniffing glue, you know. I mean, you know, it was out on the West Coast, not on the East Coast, but it wasn't here in the Midwest. And they said, don't sniff no glue, you know. So a bunch of us went over to the Walmart over there and boosted a box of that glue, man. It had glue all over the fucking place, man. And, you know, we. I sniffed that shit, boy. And I can't even remember who, which, how many of us did it, man. But a lot of us, man, I liked it, man, you know, because I didn't feel afraid. And I had hallucinations. And it was just the opening to another world, man. And little did I know the path that I had opened up, you know, because the monster was out, man. You know, and it finally ended up with me, you know, the progression of the disease, man. You know, it was always the same thing. And, you know. It seemed like that's how I would cover up my feelings. I never dealt with fear in a healthy way. You know, I never processed. You know, fear in itself, man, you know, is a natural emotion. But, man, for me, man, I would try to deny any fear. You know, I would be like crazier than the next person, you know. If we was going to South Chicago to a party, you know, and there's always. You know, at least we used to rumble back when I was a bug. You know what I'm saying? It was more some physical fights than it is today, man. But, you know, like, there'd be four or five, man, and I'd always be the first one to dive in, you know, so that people would say I'm crazy, man, you know, scared to death, man. Never liked fighting, man. Never liked getting hit in the nose and hurting and all that shit, man. Fuckers like Jerry would throw rocks at me and shit like that because he was tall, you know, and I was little, man, you know, run me down the street and shit like that. You know, but I was fast. They couldn't catch me, the dirty motherfucker, man. He did that, too, man. He threw rocks at me, tried to kill me, man. But. But he's my buddy now. But the point I'm trying to make is that fear in an attic is just an unhealthy emotion, you know, because of my inability to process it, to deal with it, and turn it into right things, you know. And I always thought that I was brave because I'd be in these dangerous situations and I'd fake it, you know, and come out the other end. I mean, I've been in some hard situations, you know, facing time for murder, facing time for burglaries and shit, man, in prison, having enemies in prison, having to, you know, make a decision, either take somebody's life or get killed or get punked out, you know, and that kind of shit. And, man, it's just some horrible things. And then when I get through it, you know, by whatever means, you know, I'll be thinking, damn, man, I'm a bad motherfucker. But see, that was what I would put out to people, man. I'm a bad motherfucker, you know. But secretly, I was always terrified. And it was a secret, a deep secret, man. And, you know. It says in our literature that we're only as sick as our secrets, man, you know. And that fear follows me into recovery, man. I remember when I first got into recovery, I said, man, I hope this shit sticks, man. I hope this sticks, man. Because I tell you, man, I came here, man, tired, man. I was tired of getting high, you know, from that glue that I did in 1960, man. I mean, it wasn't, you know, I didn't get clean until I was 42, you know. That's 30 years. Not 30 years of using, but 30 years of using and going to jail and all the rest. The rest of the shit, you know. From drinking and sniffing glue to shooting dope and smoking, you know, smoking dope and whatever, you know. And all the degrading things that go with it, you know, man. Because, you know, in active addiction, there's a lot of shame and guilt and degrading acts that I did, you know, in order to get dope, man. There's a lot of stuff that I had to put on an eight-step list, man, that was real painful. You know, stuff like, you know, the stealing, the lying, the betrayal. The compromising of what I said I would do in order to get dope, man. And it was just terrible, man. So to sum it up, man, is that, you know, I was a dope fiend, man. It came with a heart and a spirit full of fear of everything, man. I remember, man, you know, sometimes when I would be getting high, like I'd plug the phone in and then I was afraid somebody would call. So I'd unplug it. Then I'd plug it back in because I was afraid. You know, I might miss a call. And, you know, I would never stand up for myself, man. You know, like I would never ask for a raise. You know, I wouldn't approach a woman unless I was fucking juiced or high on something, you know what I'm saying. And then once I got it, I was afraid I was going to lose her, you know what I'm saying. And it was just terrible to live that way. But it was always a secret. Always a secret. And then I came, you know, God, for whatever reason, man, graced me, man. You know, gave me a chance, man. God said, look. Look at you, you know. Poor motherfucker, man, you know. I'm going to give you another chance, man. Do with it what you will, you know. But I'm going to give you a chance. I mean, the road I had to go through, I had to go through jail again, you know, and lose everything again. And I was just so tired, man. But when I came here, man, I was so afraid this wasn't going to work because I couldn't get my mind around that God word, you know, the God, you know, that higher power thing. You know, it was just too difficult. To get it, to get it, to think that I was worthy of God, you know, to say that, man, you know, because I knew the secrets. I knew all the nasty shit I've done, you know. I know all the sneaky, creepy, fucked up things that I've done, you know. And, you know, it's assumed that God knows this, too, you know. And I was saying, man, I don't know if God will forgive me all this shit. But that's why I love this program, man, because this program says, no, look, angel, man. Just work these steps and see what happens. You know, just apply these spiritual principles of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness to see what happens, you know. So coming back to the topic, you know, is that, you know, courage, like Wanda referred to, courage in the meditation says is walking through your fears, you know, in spite of, you know. Well, I don't have that courage. See, I don't have it. I just know I don't have it. It's lacking in my moral character, you know. But I know that I can tap into a love and higher power that will give me all the courage I need. You know, if I have faith, you know. In the triangle of self-obsession, it says that the opposite of fear is faith. You know, and faith. And how do you get faith? You know, I had to get faith by first believing that what you people said was true, that there is a God and a higher power, and it does, and it's benevolent. You know, that it's benevolent, that it'll bless you with things. You know, it'll help you stay clean, for one thing, because I didn't believe I was going to stay clean, man. I tell you, man, one of the most. One of the most memorable God experiences that I had was when I saw Jerry again for after about, I don't know, 10, 11 years, man. You know, I had been in prison in Wisconsin. I came out, and because of my fucked-up record, man, I had a federal beef with the immigration. So I had to come back to the harbor, and I was so afraid of seeing Jerry, man. I was so afraid that if Jerry would come up and say, look, Angel, I got some shit, man. Let's go, you know. I was going to say. He's sure, you know. You know, I had, like, less than a year, you know, 10 months, man. And then, you know, this is why I know there's a God. This is why there's no doubt in my mind that there's a God operating in my life, you know, because when I did see Jerry, he was in Narcotics Anonymous, you know. And I said, this, hell, you know. Jerry, because, you know, I don't know if you guys know Jerry, man. Jerry, man. Jerry used to shoot dope like a fiend, like a fiend idiot. He is, you know. And he was bad. He was bad, man. You know. See, I noticed some of the sneaky, creepy shit he pulls, man. And it's scandalous, man. It's scandalous. I tell you, man. You know. Hey, I ain't going to give no specifics, but I'm telling you, man. The guy was scandalous, man. And, you know, I always used to reference Jerry. I said, man, as long as I don't get as bad as Jerry, man, I'm all right, man. You know, there's hope for me. You know, if I don't get as bad as him, man, because, you know. Yeah. When Jerry was in the grips, man, you know, I think most of the Harvard, Gary, and South Chicago used him as an example. Just don't get like that guy, man. You know what I'm saying? Don't get like him, man. That motherfucker is scandalous, you know. But check it out, man. I had come back. I didn't know if this thing was going to work for me. It was, you know, because everything I've ever tried in my life has always turned to shit, as Wanda said. You know, it seemed like bad luck just follows me, man. You know, I didn't know it was my bad decisions, you know, based on. I'm the disease of addiction, based on total self-centeredness, based on fear, you know. If I think I'm going to suffer, you know, something out of it, I'll go the softer, easier way, which is usually the wrong way. You know, instead of taking a risk, I fall back on what I know, you know. So I caused my own problems, man. But that day, man, I was going to a meeting over at Tri-City, Tri-City, man. And I saw Jerry out of the corner of my eyes, man. And I said, man, I'm doomed, man. I'm doomed. I cried out to God. God, don't let this motherfucker. Take my soul again, you know, again. Don't let him eat my fucking soul, God. Don't let that goddamn soul snatcher get me, man. And then when he stopped, man, and got out the car, he had an NA t-shirt on, man. And I tell you, man, when I saw that, I said, man, that's like being in one of those episodes of the Twilight Zone. You know what I'm saying? I felt this like a surreal experience. Man, like, man, this is God. But it was like I was out of body experience, you know. And after that, man, you know, we went to coffee. Said, man, you know, let's, you know, we'll go to the meeting and stuff. And then the guy took care of me, man. You know, he took care of me. I had just come out of prison, man. You know, a guy fresh out of prison is a scared motherfucker, man. You know what I'm saying? Been so used to other people telling you what to do that, you know, you're afraid to cross the street without permission and stuff, man. And then Jerry took me and started taking me to meetings. All the time. All the time, come to my mom's house and get me and take me to meetings, man. And that was God because he God knew that I needed convincing, you know. You know, I ain't shot up with most of you guys. You know what I'm saying? I ain't went out and stole and beat up nobody or robbed and stuff with most of you guys. You know, I ain't did time with you guys. But I've done it with Jerry, man. You know, for over 45 years we've been knowing ourselves, you know. And we went to boys school. And, and, and. And penitentiaries. And we come from the same spot, man. Yeah. Huh? Psych unit. Psych. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah. We've been in psych units together, man. Yeah, you would have to mention that one. But, but yeah, you know, if, if you go to detox they send you to a psych unit, you know, for, for that. Yeah, we've been in those spots and everything, man. And so when I saw him in recovery, man, that carried a lot of conviction. You know, I, I had that hope shot, man. I said, man, God, you are so, just too good to me, man. And I, I, that was early recovery. I didn't believe I deserved. You know, it took me like about five, six years to come to the idea that perhaps I deserved this, you know. And, because I always had this question, why me? You know, why me? Why not other people? Why not my brother? Man, my brother died from an overdose when he was 22 years old. You know, and here I am an old motherfucker. Twenty years. Twenty years. Twenty something odd years later, still in recovery. You know, you know, why you, why he die and I'm here? You know, but that, what I, what I got is that it's not for me to question. You know, it's not for me to question why. All it is, is God was great, is merciful and, and granted me a, a measure of grace to do with what I want to do with it. You know what I'm saying? So today, man, even though fear comes up every now and then, you know, not like it was back in the old days because I have processed a lot of this shit through the inventory process. I've been able to, to dig up some of that garbage that terrified me in the mor, in, from a little boy and bring it out and expose it and say, this is bullshit. You know, I don't have to be that way. I, I am somebody. I, I do have value as a human being. And I'm a good man. You know, that, that was such a hard thing for me to believe, man, because, because that little voice would say, you ain't worth a fuck. You'll never be worth a fuck. You're a dope thing. You're going to die a dope thing. You know, you ain't no good. You know, you're a bastard. You're a shit. All this kind of shit. And, but, you know, I have this resource called God, man, a higher power, whatever it means to you. You know, that's what I love about Narcotics Anonymous. Narcotics Anonymous has given me the freedom to choose a God of my own understanding. You know, I don't belong to church. I, you know, I, I ain't really a Christian, man. And I don't say that to knock Christianity or, or Islam or any other religion. I don't knock them, man, because people believe in that and they, they get a lot of, a lot of relief. And a lot of strength. A lot of strength from their, from their beliefs, you know. But I don't believe that. You know, I don't believe none of it. You know, I find fault with it. I can't surrender to it. But I have an understanding of God my own way. You know, what fits me. You know, my God is loving, loves the fuck out of me. You know, regardless. And just wants the best for me as long as I do good. You know. Number one is I don't have to use. So when, when, whenever I get in a situation, you know, that's why I always ask to pray before, before I start with it. You know. I don't want to do one of these things, you know. And, you know, because I ask God for strength, man. You know what? And I cop. I cop, I cop courage from God. I cop willingness. I cop peace of mind. You know, there's all these things that I can ask. God is an unlimited resource that, that because I resist the recovery process, you know, I don't use, utilize it to, to its full potential. You know. To its full potential. You know, it seems to me like I should be in prayer and meditation 24 hours a day. 24 hours a day. From the rewards I get. But there's another part of me that resists what's good for me, man. You know, that disease of addiction. I resist God. You know. I resist, I resist working steps, man. I want to do shit my way. You know. Knowing full well that when I do things on self-will, all I get is trouble. Trouble, trouble. It's always followed me, man. And, you know, what, what makes me think it's going to change now. You know. So, anyways. Yeah. When are we out of here? When you're with us. All right. Anyways, that's what I'm doing. You know. But, and, and that's what the, what's the beauty of this program, man, is that, that, you know, I don't have to live in fear. You know. Fear comes on me for no reason at all. You know what I'm saying? Right now, I'm fighting this, this, this weight thing, man. It seems like, like, like, like the food thing is just like, like, like, yeah, man. It's like, it's like I can't get enough, man. You know what I'm saying? It's like, I can't get enough, man. You know what I'm saying? It's like, I can't get enough, man. You know what I'm saying? It's like, I'm obsessed with fucking food, man. And then I be saying to myself, I said, damn, Angel, man, you know, I got big mirrors that I try to avoid in my house. You know, I don't walk in the front room, man, because there's a big mirror on the door there, man. I walk past there one day, man. I looked. I said, God damn, man. The fuck, man? I said, oh, you know. And then I rationalized it, man. As long as I can pee and sleep, man. If you can see my dick, man, I'm all right. You know, I'm all right, man. As long as I can see it, I'm all right, man. If I don't pee on my shoes, I'll be okay. But the fear is because I'm not a stupid person, man. I realize that if I continue in this fashion without exercising and without eating correctly, man, you know, I'm setting myself up. I'm going to be 58 years old this year, you know. I don't go to the doctor for that colon cancer, man. I go for the checkup, man. You know, I'll be saying I don't want to stick my fingers up my ass. You know what I'm saying? But colon cancer is one of the killers, man. It's a preventable thing. Yet I resist going to it, man. I resist doing the things that are healthy for me, man. It seems like I'm still suicidal, man. Like I'm still out on the streets, man. Like I want to kill myself, you know. And I'll be telling God. I'll say, God, man, give me some willingness in this area, man. You know, don't let me have to have to get a heart attack before I start to get a heart attack. Before I start doing something good for myself, you know. But it seems like the disease is strong in that area, man. You know, because I live alone, you know. And, man, I come home from work, man. I work out. You know, if it wasn't for my job, man, I'd probably be five by five, you know. But the work that I do, I mean, construction, I do a lot of remodeling and stuff. And I do a lot of physical work. So if it wasn't for that, man, I wouldn't get no exercise. You know. But the problem is I come home from work, I got a fucking easy chair. And once I sit in the chair, man, it's over, man. You know, I'm an old man. I be, you know, nodding out. And the damn remote falls, you know what I'm saying. And I be saying, get up, angel, man. You know. And the only reason I get up is I'm going to go get something to eat. You know. And it's funny, man. It's funny until I look in the mirror. I'm like, man, that ain't funny, man. But it seems, but it's always something with me, man. It's always something with me. And that's just it, man. You know, having the knowledge but not having the faith to put it into action, man, is really a worthless thing, man. And I know it, you know. And I know this is how the disease comes out in me because it ain't getting me to use, man. So I don't want to use no dope yet. You know what I'm saying. I don't want to get high. I never want to get high again. I don't want to go through that insanity. I think about this a lot, man. You know, the other day, well, this morning at the reading this morning, you know, just meditation for the day was talking about the inside job that this step does. You know, just going to meetings ain't enough. You know, you have to apply these steps in your life, you know, and work them. And, you know, the steps are a beautiful thing, man. But let me tell you, that eighth and ninth step is difficult. You know, that eighth step for me, man, when I had to own all because I always considered myself a victim. You know. I thought my name got me in trouble because I was a Mexican. I was, you know, a little guy, you know, and I've been a white man. You know, all that good excuse, you know, that I'm this and I'm that, that it's other people's fault that I have all these problems. Well, the truth is, man, when I started writing the eighth step list, I discovered, man, that fuck, I ain't no victim. I'm a victimizer. You know, it was painful putting those names down, man, or putting those incidents of where I did this because I had to relive them. You know. There was times, man, I'd write two or three things. I had to put that shit down. I had to put it down, man, because, man, I found myself sobbing. You know what I'm saying? How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so insensitive to the feelings of my mother, my brothers, my daughter, you know, the woman that I professed to love? How could I have been so insensitive? How could I have used my friends? How could I have taken this shit from these people when that was all they had? How could I have been so mean? You know, how could I have killed somebody? You know, shit like that. And talk about pain, man. That is some, you know, it's, but it says real clearly, man, you know, you either do this or you go use. You know, and then, okay, so then I got the willingness. I said, I'll make amends in this any way I can, you know. But then when I had to go and start making these amends, buddy, let me tell you, you know, I had to call on God. Because if it wasn't God, I wouldn't have said nothing to nobody. You know, because that's the way I was brought up. You know, if you don't say nothing, it didn't happen. You know, and I take that example from my dad. My dad's going to be 89 years old. He's an old guy. Scared to death. You know, scared to death. You know, and I don't hold great love for my pop. You know, I, that's the truth of it. I love him because he's my father. He was always there for us. You know, but as far as him doing the best he could, that's bullshit. You know, my dad could have done things differently. But he didn't. He don't know any different. You know? And what I see in my dad, man, that fills me with compassion and a sense of remorse is that I see him so afraid of dying. He is so afraid, man. And he's trapped, the literature says, he's trapped in a prison of his own making, condemned by shame and guilt. And he got no avenue to express it. You know? He's condemned in his own head, man. And I see the poor guy sitting there sometimes. And I be saying, man, you know, I want to say, good. You know, my turn to get it. You know? Now it's your turn to suffer like I did. But the thing is, it ain't there. I just feel so sorry for him. And saying, God, man, you know, I tell my mom, I say, you know what, mom? The best thing I can do is just leave the old guy alone. You know? And not become him. You know, I never want to be like him. I don't want to die like my dad's going to die. You know? It seems to me like he's so afraid of it. You know? So afraid. That he's got a lot of shit that he wishes he could have changed. But he can't even talk about it. You know? And here I am in a program that allows you to go to a meeting and talk about anything. You know what I'm saying? And get relief. You know? So I remember when I had to make the first amend. I had to make it to my mother, man. Because like I said, I lost a younger brother to this. He OD'd back in the 70s. You know? And I used to come, you know, when the gun was gone, you know, we couldn't steal no more, Jerry. And the Malia was on, man. You know? I mean, there ain't no hustle, you know, when you're sick. Well, you know one. You know? And there's nobody want to screw me because I was all like. You know, there was nothing here to screw. You know what I said? I would be sick. I know I could go to my mom and ask for 20 bucks, man. I know that if I would, you know, beg enough, you know, that she would give it to me out of pain. You know? She would. I'd sweat her. I'd sweat. Ma, you know what I'm saying? I'll pay you back. And she would see this. And she would say, how can you do this to yourself? I just lost one son. You know? And here you're doing the same thing. So, oh, ma, you know. And finally she'd say, here. Here's 20, $25. Don't come around no more. You know? And I'd walk away feeling like a piece of shit. But on top of the clouds. Because I got enough for one more. You know? And I remember writing that shit down, man. And I was crying. And I was saying, oh, man, how can you do this to the woman that brought you. My ma's always been there. Always been there through all my shit. Through all my insanity. And I remember having to go. And, you know, I talked to all my sponsors. I said, man, I got to make this first demand. And he says, well, you know, how you feel about it? I said, I don't want to do it. I said, I don't want to do it. I said, I don't want to do it. I said, I don't want to do it. I said, I don't want to do it. You know? And I had. I said, I don't want to open up all wounds. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to open up this shit. I don't want to say I'm sorry and own this shit. He says, you got to do it, Angel. You know? The ninth step says if you don't do this, you might come in a situation where you won't come out clean. So the fear, the anxiety, the fear that I have, you know, is I don't want to do this. But I said, you know, is there a way to? Is there a way to? Is there a way to do this? Because I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But I said. fear of not doing it was greater than the fear of doing it but I had to pray hard man hard hard and say look God be with me on this one you know and I remember going my mom I mean I hesitated for maybe eight nine months you know and then one day it was just you know it was just me and her I was at her house you know and she was all you know my mom's real loving you know you want to eat you know and all this stuff and and then and then I said mom can I talk to you and she said sure and that's what he just came out man just can't I was so afraid though that she was gonna say yeah you were dog your dog me when you would do you would break my heart you know when I would give you that money man you you don't know how I was you know how I had this big scenario that she was gonna blame me that I was gonna shrink in in out of shame you know and then often ah she said to me porque tan bien ¿que será así recently? todo lo que하신 querido mirad, eso sin precisar który solo è una causa refugio una causa retribucional, ¿ rescue logico? ao malderad覺 des för tutto loط menado che어 this bad àARCIORDAT�� dado a todo estouellement percentile tu te hace presente ser así pienso que no te evton Stock Trancianias disidentifican гeroese todato l'assem Österreich , unaTreise evidentemente the best. You know, I never wanted to see you. She didn't say, oh, this tortured me and it hurt me. She didn't say none of that. She said, just keep on doing what you do and hug me, you know, like a baby. You know, once again, there I am, man, big tough guy, crying and sobbing and shit with the moccasins. And my ma held me, man. My ma held me and said, it's going to be all right out here, you know. And that took some courage, buddy, courage that I had to ask God for because I didn't have it, you know. And from there, it progressed, man. I found out that in order to make my amends, God always provided the time and the place. You know, I just had to run it past somebody, man. And to be crazy about it, man, I wanted to go to this guy's mother's house, the one that I killed in 68, and I wanted to beg forgiveness to her. That's how this fucking disease works, you know. Yeah, I had this bright idea that I was going to make amends. To this woman who don't know me from shit, and I was going to beg forgiveness, you know. And it sounded really reasonable to me. Then I ran it by my sponsor, and he said, look, Angel, man, you don't want to go to this woman and do this shit, man. He said, man, you're going to fuck around, and you don't know what's going to happen, you know. And then he asked me, you know, what's your motive? I said, I want to get rid of this guilt, you know. That's what it was. It wasn't so much for the woman. It was for me to get rid of this guilt, but it was for me to show remorse, because I really don't feel remorse for a lot of stuff. There's something inside of me that really doesn't feel sorry. You know, I've done some bad shit, but there's part of me that really ain't sorry about that shit, you know. And it's hard to express remorse like this. And so he told me, no, maybe you just better, just don't kill nobody again, he told me. I said, okay, I can do that, you know. So I don't own weapons, you know, of any kind. I don't own any weapons anymore, man. You know, I don't own any weapons. I don't own any weapons. I don't own any weapons. I don't own no firearms. I don't own no blades that could be considered that. No sticks, no nothing, you know, no garats, no nothing, man. I don't do that shit, you know. And that's what I found out, man. And then, you know, like most of the amends that I made, man, they were taken gracefully, you know. There was one that didn't go too well, and that's the one that sticks in my mind, the one I made with my brother Charlie, you know. He said, fuck you, you know. Dog fucker, you know. But I did my part, you know. And in each one of these instances, though, I had to ask a power greater myself to help me do this and do it right, you know. I tell God just like that. I say, God, look, I'm going to make this a man. Don't let me fuck it up, you know. Don't let me get in the way of messing this stuff. And give me the strength to do it, you know. And it's been working, man. It's been working, man. You know, I have so much faith because I have so many God experiences. You know, my faith isn't blind. You know, it's based on actual experiences that has happened in my life that prove to me that God is in there, in the mix, you know. And it gives me a lot of hope, and it gives me a lot of peace of mind, you know, that no matter what, you know, I can get through this. You know, right now, I haven't talked to my daughter in a couple years, and I best talk about this because I'm a hard-headed fuck. You know, she married a guy that I just can't stand, this motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? And, you know, I'm mad at her because she married him. She should know better, is what I say. You know, how can you marry this lame motherfucker, you know? So consequently, man, I don't have nothing to do with her, you know. And that's wrong. That's wrong. You know, I mean, if she loves him, she married him, right? I should be able to respect her wishes, but I don't. And the way I handle it is, I cut her off. You know, I had nothing to do with her, you know. I'm waiting for a divorce so I can say, see, I told you. Yeah? But that's part, that's who I am, man. I mean, that's part of who I am. And that's an area that I haven't healed yet, you know. There's a coldness in me, man. There's a cruel streak in me that I don't like, you know. You know, I'm just fascinated by death, man. I watch all that shit on the internet, you know, motherfuckers getting their heads cut off, hung, and they're just, you know, they're just, you know, they're just, you know, they're just, you know, they're just, you know, they're just, you know, they're just, you know, they're just, you know, they're just, you know. It's like, I'm fascinated with that shit, man, you know what I say. But then when I think of my own death, man, I be saying, man, I don't want to die, man. I don't want to die, especially like that, man, you know. And, ah, yeah, soft, man. I'm turning, that's, I was going to make a soft motherfucker out of you, I tell you. Look at Jerry, man, he going to turn soft as a mother, I tell you. But he's my brother, man. I love this guy more than my, my life. my blood, you know. It's from shared experiences, but more from shared recovery, you know, that's what it does. So all I can say is, though, any time that I have fear about doing, you know what scares me nowadays is that when I go to ask for a raise, it takes me two months to ask for a raise, and I got to work myself up into this fucking, you know, like, do it Monday, you know. I tell you, just recently, you know, I filled out my own time card, you know, and I, for years, I haven't been charging for lunch, you know. Well, union guys, they charge for lunch, so I figured, what the fuck, the union guys get it, I should get it too, you know. So I'm talking to God, God, man, you know, you know, give me the right position to do it and everything like that, and then every time it come up, you know, I'd be with my boss by ourselves, you know, we talking about, she's my friend too, you know, and I couldn't do it, man, just afraid of something. Then I said, what the fuck's going on? And then it came to me, I said, don't tell him shit, just fill it out different. So I started filling them out from 8 to 4 instead of 4.30, and he ain't said shit now, you know, so fuck him, man. Sometimes it's okay to say nothing, you know what I'm saying? It is so funny the way God works in my life, man, but that's what I got from this, you know, don't make a problem where there ain't none. But, you know, I really don't have that fear that I had before. That's one of the biggest fears I've had. I've had that fear of my life, and I've got to take the blessings. I got to take from Narcotics Anonymous, man, through the inventory process and through sharing my secrets, my fears, my anxieties with other people, and just exposing it to the light, man, I saw that I really don't have nothing to be afraid of, you know, nothing. You know, if I could make it through all that crap that I did all those years, you know, then hell, man, you know, what's there to be afraid of? You know, today it's not so much afraid of, of, of, of, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, of using or afraid of catastrophic illness or stuff like that because I've had a good run in Narcotics Anonymous. I've had a good run. And if I was to die tomorrow, man, I could say, man, I've had peace of mind. I've had some joy, some true joy and a lot of happiness in my life. I remember I went with Wanda to Puerto Rico a few years ago, and she showed me the spot where she used. And all the misery and stuff that she went through, showed me the actual corners and stuff like that. And, you know, that's amazing, man. Here's two dope fiends, man, you know, two dope fiends back in the spot, you know, back in the day and in the country. But as recovering addicts, you know. That's why I don't like coming to the harbor, man. I don't really like coming to Gary, man, you know, because I have memories of what it used to be like, you know, before dope. You know, Gary, you know, back when I was. A kid, man, was a thriving, you know, center, man. People were pretty cool. You know, the downtown area was nice, man, all full of stores and shit. But then when the heroin came, man, around the 60s and shit, man, and all these guys like Jerry started stealing all these people's shit, man. You know, they moved, man. It wasn't, you know, they say it was because of the black mayor, but it wasn't that. It was the heroin that came, man, you know. And now if you go, you see what that crack did. That crack. . You know, it turned areas of Gary that I remember as being nice because I used to come here and burglarize these houses, man. And that was good pickings, man. But now it's just block after block of burned out buildings and shit like that. It ain't because they're black, man. It's because they're fucking crack, man. That fucking crack, that fucking dope, man. That dope is a bitch, man. It ain't no joke, you know. It ain't no joke. But for whatever reason, man, God saw fit. . And he took us. And here I'm going to use one of those we things, you know. They took us and gave us a chance, you know, to become better than what we've ever been. You know, at least that's what happened in my case, man. I've seen this like you want this case, you know. And Jerry and, you know, the rest of you guys, man. You know, you guys got the same kind of background that I can or else you wouldn't be here. You know what I'm saying? And so, you know, to sum this up, man, is that fear. It's usually just fear of fear itself. But to have faith based on God experiences will get me through anything, you know. Through anything. Through anything. You know, if I discovered I had cancer tomorrow, man, hey, I had a good run, you know. And when I do die, you know, I don't believe in after death, man. I don't be sad because I didn't go do a lot of shit I wanted to do, you know. So, just something I'm going to jump out of the airplane, you know. That's right. That's right. And I said it here. How you sure that out of my mouth? I'll jump out of the fucking airplane with some goofy looking guys from Green Bay, Wisconsin. These are some goofy looking fuckers. And they said, you want to go with us, man? I said, fucking hey, buddy. Fucking hey. I want to jump, you know. And I be seeing this in my mind, looking down, you know. I'm going to fucking jump. I'm going to go out on feet. And if the parachute don't open, well. I'm going to say this serenity prayer on the way down, boy. And when I splatter like a fucking, like a melon, you know. Say, boy, he splatter like a big fat tomato, man. I'm going to splatter like that, boy. You know, but I'm going to do that shit, man. I'm going to, you know, I'm game to do that kind of stuff, you know. And that's from a guy that was afraid to go across the street, man. You know what I'm saying? When I was in the harbor, man, I didn't get to go nowhere, man. You know? I didn't like to go to Bronx. I didn't like to go to anywhere. You know, I only went because dope was there. You know, dope was hell motivated, man. We'd go to Aurora, down to Joliet, wherever they said this stuff was. You know, we'd go, man, you know. All down 18th Street and shit. And it ain't like that no more, man. You know, Narcotics Anonymous has given me the chance to travel, man. You know, like I'm a convention junkie. This made 93 for me. You know, 93 conventions, man. Small fortune involved in that. You know, but I don't care. You know? I've been able to see things and go places that I would never have been. I never thought I'd be in Puerto Rico. You know, when I was a kid, man, Puerto Ricans and Mexicans didn't like each other. I never could understand that one, man. I swear to God, I could never understand that one. But, you know, I couldn't go over there by, by, by, by, Borricos, man, because they want to beat me up. You know? Unless they were dolphins, and then it was a different story, man. We were all in the same boat. But I never could figure that one out, man. And, and I got a chance. I got a chance to go to Puerto Rico a couple, three times. You know? And I'm planning to go back in, in, in April, if I can get the information, you know, to go to a festival de los pasos. You know, my Spanish ain't that good. But when I'm there, I got to, you know, I'm forced. You know? You know, I go to, I used to go to Spanish meetings with Wanda, man. But now when I come home, I, I can't do shit. I'm toast. But Wanda, I be sharing in Spanish, man. Wanda, if Wanda's there, she's got to translate for me. I got to ask her for words. I got to ask her for words. I got to ask her for words. I got to ask her for words. How do you say this? How do you say that, man? And, you know, but the only way that I can learn Spanish or anything else is by doing it. You know, get over the fear that, that I'm going to look stupid or anything. I mean, I can't look, there ain't nothing I can do to look stupid now, as when I was walking those streets. You know what I'm saying? That misery. You know, the other day, Monday was all nasty and shit. Remember when you had the cop? Oh. And they had no car? Jesus. And they say, hey man, it's across town. You know, well, you ain't got no buses here no more, but you used to have buses. I ain't putting no quarter on no bus, man. I walk. Hotel's still a bike. You know, that kind of shit, man. That kind of shit. And I don't have to do that no more. So, I'm just going to sum this up by anything. There is nothing in my life that can cause me, you know, not to go through stuff, you know, because I have a resource and it's called God. Whatever that means to you. And God will give me courage. God will give me willingness. God will give me anything that I ask for, you know. And all I have to do is step out on faith. You know, I believe, man. I really believe, man, that if I say, God, grab me some courage. I got to go to the doctor, you know. Then I go out on faith, you know, and come with me. The doctor says, man, you should have been there six months ago. You're going to die tomorrow. Oh, well, I fucked up again, you know. But I'm going to die clean. I'm going to die clean. If nothing else, I had a spine and seat, man. That's all he held onto, you know. He said, man, angel, no matter what, I'm going to die clean. And he died clean. Gabe died clean, you know. And I said, man, I want to die clean, you know. I don't want to get high no more. I don't want to go into that myth. I don't want to go back to that fear, you know, because I got a, what do you call it, reprieve from that kind of life, you know. And if you look up the word reprieve, you know, you're going to die clean. You know, like that cat they executed in, you know, the Snooki guy, he didn't get a reprieve. Reprieve is just a stay of execution. You know, that's the definition. And as the literature says, that's all I have is a daily reprieve, you know, a stay of execution by my own hand, you know. Because he got that meth now. You know, they had meth back in the 60s, man. I remember shooting that shit, but I didn't turn all weird like they do on the street. And today, man, man, these people are fucked up. And I'm glad I'm not. I don't mess with that shit, you know what I'm saying? But there's a part of me that wouldn't mind trying it one time, you know, just to see, you know what I'm saying? Part of me still is attracted to knowing what's going to happen that's still in me, man, you know. There's some liquors that I ain't never drank. I say, man, I wonder how that tastes, you know. Have me one of them Samuel Adams, you know. That sounds. That shit, look, they got 18 different kinds, man. I ain't even tasted one, you know. I'll tell you about some rose. But I want to thank everybody for being here, man. You know, one of the things about the Spanish workshops and the Spanish meetings, man, it's always small. It's always small, man. I don't know why it is, man, but it seems like Latinos, man, just resist this more than anybody else, man. For whatever reason, I don't get it. I don't get it, man, you know. There's so few of us, you know, when there's a whole fucking, and even in Chicago, man, you know, the fools were trying to talk about even putting on a Spanish convention. They can't even have two meetings. Crazy motherfuckers, you know. But at least we try, right, guys? At least we try. And I'm going to close with that. Thank you. All right, thank you. I kind of liked Angel when he was drunk. He didn't say shit. But anyway, man, I'd like everybody, I'd like to thank everybody for attending the workshop. You know, yeah, Angel, you know, we're in the process, man, and that's the way we've got to hold on. There was a time we didn't have none. And to be honest with you, this is the first time we've had a Spanish workshop in Indiana, period, man. And I'm glad to say you guys made it. Thank you. You know, I'm glad to say this a success, you know. We had four scheduled. They took us all the way down to one, but we got one, you know. So thank God, your understanding that we was able to meet. And to actually, this is just a milestone, man. You know what I mean? Next time we may have two workshops, you know. So the thing is, man, the taping lady ain't here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not even here yet. The workshop's supposed to be over at 1115. Anybody got a burning desire to say something? If not, can you join us with the serenity prayer to close the workshop? And again, thank Angel and Wanda for coming and doing this. But you that. Right. . . . . . . . we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. That's true. Alright. Alright. Ready? Ready? Thank you. Thank you. Here. Just chair. How are you? How are you? What's your name? Josh. Good day. How are you doing? Good to see you. Nice to meet you, bro. Nice to meet you, man. See you guys. Hey, let me get your number that's left on there. It doesn't work very good, but it works. It doesn't work very good, but it works. Alright, I got them. What is her name? Blair. She got it. I did a workshop over at Ann Arbor. In July. She said, come and do a workshop for us. I said, sure. Do you have a pen? I got one. Blair, I really like her. She's cute, man. She's cute. She's cute. I'll put my number on here. Alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Hi. Hey. I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine. Muncie? Huh? Did you stay here? Never. LA? You know, you have to be more. You have to be more. I miss your mother so much. Listen to you,prech to you. For us and to you, she's always 산. And it's shine. Like me. So. She's me. And I've been her now for thought long ago. She's theyst Rust ellee connected.