Valerie D. Battles the Liar’s Ego While Studying the Basic Text

For years we didn't have too much women doing this thing, and lately we've tried to every year have at least one woman speak. And last year I guess I met Val, and she was a dear friend of someone who was I guess a dear friends of all of us, of Don P. And I got in this year to get to know her and speak to her, and she brought like 13, 12 girls, so if you guys don't clap for it, you're going to get beat up. But But, you know, I've heard her message. She's got a great message. And I'll give you from Richmond, Virginia, Val D. Good morning. My name is Valerie Downing and I am an alcoholic. And I am from Richmond. Richmond, VA, my home group is the Jay Walkers Group. so if y'all are in Richmond on Tuesday or Friday night come see us we'd love to have you and it's really an honor to be asked to come up here and spend this weekend with you guys and I just love Rick and Bart dearly I'm a little partial towards Rick but that's alright but just great men and probably because Rick loved Don we talk about Don a lot And it's been really nice for me to talk to him about Dawn this weekend because I miss him dearly. We just had our first Fellowship of the Spirit in Richmond, Virginia. And like this one where, you know, Bart, I think, not dedicated but kind of dedicated this weekend in memory of Rasheed and Dawn, we did the same thing in Virginia just because people like that touch us so deeply and change us in so many ways and create an opportunity for us to be in Alcoholics Anonymous and begin this journey. So I'm very grateful to be here and very grateful for the message that Herb has carried. It's an important message, the message of AlcoholicsAnonymous and the messageof what we do here. There's real hope for here because the majority of us die. The majority of the people that I see in Alcoholics Anonymous today I know will not make it. And part of the reason is because they're not hearing the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. We have something here that will save your life. It has saved my life. And I think it's just real important that we carry that message because it works. to give you a little bit of my history I've been sober since 1992 October 13th the first time I came into Alcoholics Anonymous however was in 1982 and I'd only been drinking about a year I started drinking when I was about 14 going on 15 or 14 and a half and that experience was such magic for me that I pursued it with a vengeance. It came before everything. I'm a little nervous, so I'm grateful for this podium because I'm shaking back here. So I'll calm down. I don't know if it's the Starbucks or what. But anyway, I pursued It With A Vengeance when I started to drink because it was magic. I am one of those people that was crazy before I even picked up a drink. And I did not fit. I was very separate from everyone. For a long time, I blamed my alcoholism on my upbringing because I came from an alcoholic household. So I thought it was my environment, and that was the reason that I was not okay. That is the reason why I was different, why I didn't fit. why I was so terribly afraid of everybody and very insecure. And I remember having that hole in my gut long before I picked up a drink. And, you know, my sponsor used to talk to us all about power, that we're all power seekers. And I identify with that completely. And the first place that I found power was as a thief. And I was a thief for a very long time. And I don't know why I started stealing. All I know is it made me feel better. But since I can remember, I used to go steal my friends' toys, you know. Take them over to my house, hide them under the bed. So just different. I just didn't fit. So anyway, when I started drinking, I pursued it with a vengeance. It solved the problem here. And I pursued at the expense of everything. so in a very short time I was labeled because of the consequences of my drinking labeled an ungovernable by the state of Florida habitual truant habitual runaway was seeing psychiatrists psychologists my parents trying to figure out what is wrong with this girl she needs help and I did and I was very angry I was a very lonely person very angry person very physically I'd go after people physically and I would also sit in my room and write dark poetry and listen to Pink Floyd I mean it was sad so one of the psychiatrists that my parents sent me to said your daughter has an alcohol problem and she needs to be put in a treatment center so they put me in a treatement center I didn't want to go I didn'y like it I was angry about being there they tricked me and that's when insurance was good So I was there for 90 days, and it was all paid for, and it was like a little resort. And the good thing that happened to me there was that I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. I wasn't a good treatment center participant. I drank while I was in treatment. You know, I had other substances snuck into me while I Was in treatment as a matter of fact they had levels and if you're a good Treatment Center person and did what you were asked to do you got to move up levels or days and you got certain privileges, and if you got in trouble, you got that time taken away and those privileges taken away. And when I left treatment, I was on level one day one because I just didn't do what I was asked to do. It was beyond my capacity to follow the rules. I'm not a good rule follower, and I never have been. I heard Peggy Martin say one time, you know, we like to live above the rules, they do not apply to me. And I understand that because I don't do the rules very well. All you've got to do is look at my driving record for that, as a matter of fact. Although I'm happy to say, well, no, I can't say that. Never mind. Forgot about that one ticket a year ago. I was doing really good. I was like on a five-year streak without a ticket, and that was good. When I got here, I mean, my driving records were in shambles. I mean unmanageability to the court. So anyway, I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous there and started going to meetings when I was released. And I went to my first meeting in Orange Park, Florida, and I walked in, you know, and it's in the bad side of town and it is in this dilapidated old building and my mommy dropped me off at the AA meeting. I mean that is humbling. After that I had her just drop me off down the street and I will walk down there so I do not want anybody to see me. But when I walked in, at that time there were not a lot of young people in AA. And I peek in the door and, you know, it's the five-foot cloud of smoke hanging from the ceiling and all these really old people there. And they're all, you Know, huddled by the coffee pot, you Now, smoking. And I sat in the back, which is, You Know, Winters Row, and said, I don't belong here. and very angry that I had to be there. And, you know, back then too, because there weren't a lot of young people, some of the guys, and it was well-intentioned, said to me, you know you're still young, you have a chance, you have the opportunity that we did not have. Go home, you don't need to be here. Go home. Do what your parents are telling you. Go to church. Be a good girl. You know, you don't have to do what we have done. And I'm like, yeah, okay, yeah. So it became my personal mission to prove to them that I was an alcoholic. So I stole their money to buy booze, stole the key to the clubhouse. That's where I take my friends to go party, which show up at the meetings drunk because it's like, oh, yeah? You know. I can't say it from the podium, but F you. I'll show you. And just very belligerent, very combative. And so I went in and out of that clubhouse for about two and a half years, two years. Never could get more than three or six months together at a time. I would always run back to AA when I got into trouble. And I was constantly getting into legal trouble. And I just couldn't get this thing. And, of course, I did not get a sponsor. And it was just insane. I was actually getting my life, just because I stopped drinking, nothing changed. And as a matter of fact, I was getting worse. My conduct in every area was getting worst. When I was about 17, though, I got into a lot of legal trouble. And the option was either you're going to juvie or you're gonna get sober. And of course, I chose sobriety, you know. And at that point, I was pretty much, I thought, ready. I'm done. I've had enough. I'm not gonna drink again for the rest of my life. And I meant it. And I got sober and I stayed sober for three and a half years. And I moved out to the West Coast. My father was sober at the time. He had about five years. So, you know, I moved in with him and went to a meeting every day. Hung out at the clubhouse in Covina. And got a sponsor in name only because that's my favorite kind. I don't really want to do anything. And I thought I was doing Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you Know, I went to the 13-step dances and I chased boys. I remember this guy, Big Book Max, saying to me, Girl, you need to sit down, shut up, and keep your legs crossed. Because if it was walking, I was chasing it. And it's power. There's a lot of power in that. And so I was not a good example of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I didn't hang with the people that were actively involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. I gravitated to the people who were still very, very sick. And I was still a thief. I was still a liar. My conduct was out of control. I did not, it wasn't changing. And, you know, I got a sponsor because my father made me get a sponsor. As a matter of fact, he picked the woman for me. And I'm like, okay. And the reason I was like, Okay, was because he was giving me money. I don't want to stop the flow of cash. So I'll do what you're asking me to do. But when you're not looking, I'm going to do it my way. So, you know, and I made a feeble attempt at inventory, and I burned that thing, and it was all good. But I was crazy. And if you continue to live that way for someone like me, you're going to drink again. And that's exactly what happened to me, and It happened just like that. There was no effective mental defense. I was going to a meeting every day. Found a new man that was going to take care of me. I was very, very spiritually ill when I look back and I look at my life today and what AA is to me today and where I was at then. And I went back out and I stayed out for four years and moved to Atlanta. I was in Atlanta for a couple years. I got married. I had a child. And then I was up in New York for a couple of years. When I moved to Atlanta, AA kind of messes with your drinking if you've been around and you go back out and drink. I remember at one point when I was in Atlanta going into a meeting and saying to a gal there, I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic. She goes, well, you're here, aren't you? I can't believe you don't know that considering how long you've been around AA. And when she said that, that was permission for me to go. Today, if somebody says that to me, it is my job to say, well, let me help you find out because I know how great our delusion is. It is our job as members of Alcoholics Anonymous to help them identify are you an alcoholic of our type? Are you powerless over alcohol? So anyway, that didn't happen that's okay but um so I left and I never went back um and you know I tried different methods of enjoying and controlling my drinking one of those was getting married one of those was having a child another one that the ladies always like to hear me talk about is I tried raising sheep I don't know why I thought that that would solve my problem but I thought the whole back to nature shoveling sheep do in the barn would make some kind of difference in my life and internally. And pretty soon I was drunk with my sheep. And I say this in all seriousness. I mean, it is a good thing that I am not a man because I know. I know that those sheep would have knowledge of me. And because, you know, sheep look good, you now. So, if you're as sick as me, which, you know, we met Ryan yesterday and he's just as bad. We weren't sure if, you now, they were as sick as we are in New York, but, you kno,w e met Ryan and we're like, oh yeah, they are. So, but anyway, he was great, wonderful to us yesterday. But anyway, so, So, you know, I wasn't a good wife, was not a good friend. I ran through groups of people when drinking. I go from group to group to grupo because I always wore out my welcome because alcohol came first. And I was your friend for literally what can you do for me? And, you Know, the biggest delusion that I had that I realized when I was years sober is I thought I was a nice girl. I am not a nice girls. I am capable of some really ugly, ugly things. So anyway, so I ran through people's lives, a tornado. I did a lot of very harmful things to people. I created a lot wreckage. And I did it in Atlanta and I did in New York. And I just led a very ugly life. And my last couple of years of drinking, I had no – any conscience that I was in possession of was gone. I was capable of anything. And I had not conscience about it whatsoever. And I think they call that a psychopath because I could do things without remorse and not feel bad about it at all. I could fiend some remorse for you if I got caught, but that's it. Because it didn't do anything to change me because I don't – I do not care. I did not care about other people. The capacity for that was gone. So I had really deteriorated within. And, you know, sometimes I hear people in meetings and I hear them tell funny drinking stories And I would just get pissed I'm like, it's not fair You had fun when you were drinking I mean, most of my drinking was not fun It was really pathetic and tragic And I always, just about always got into trouble or harmed others as a result of my drink I don't have a lot of funny drinking stories. So anyway, I used to get very upset about that and think it's just, you know, it's not fair. Where's mine? So anyway one night my father after a particularly humiliating evening, I'd had many evenings just like that evening but for whatever reason the looks on people's faces registered with me. you know the woman that was watching my son because I was one of those people that would drop off my kid and say I'll be back and not come back so I came back and I'm hurling over the toilet because I'm a puker and she comes where have you been you're supposed to be home hours and hours ago your kid's not okay and just things like that and for whatever reason I heard that My father actually called me from California, too. And he said, you know, he basically 12-stepped me back into Alcoholics Anonymous. If he had called me before, I didn't talk to him because I didn' t want to hear what he had to say. I'm like, I'm fine. Everything's fine. You know, the lie we tell. And leave me alone. And thank God that there's 3,000 miles between us. I don' t wanna hear it. And for whatever reason, I was open to what he had to say. And I believe that that's God's grace. And I said, well, when I move down to Richmond, I'm going to get sober and I'm going to do it. And it never occurred to me that I could make that decision and mean it and not be able to do it. And it's a really valuable experience for me because it demonstrates to me that I'm absolutely 100% powerless over alcohol. because I moved down to Richmond with every intention of getting sober and staying sober. I went to a meeting. I felt like I was home. It was called the Phoenix Group. I mean, hell yeah, how appropriate. I'm going to rise from the ashes, you know. But I felt Like I Was Home. I asked a woman to sponsor me immediately. You know, she ended up getting committed two weeks later, but she was perfect for me at that time because we understood each other. and I was crazy and I wanted to be sober more than anything and the book talks about we can have great need necessity and wish and it is not enough and that's what I had and I ended up drinking two more times and my last drink was actually up in Minneapolis, Minnesota I used to represent artists and I went up there to see an artist and he was in his studio and he had whiskey. And he said, do you want a drink? And yeah, I do. Just like that. And then, this is the worst part because I only had two whiskeys and then my now ex-husband shows up and says it's time to go. And I'm like, no! You know, because I'm starting to feel it. I'm feeling warm. It's the worst thing in the world to have a drunk interrupted. It is so uncomfortable. I mean, I felt like I was coming out of my skin. So later on that night, when everybody's in bed, I'm trying to finish off the job. And I can't. I'm drinking and I just, I'm coming apart. and not to be all dramatic, but I fell on my knees and I begged God for help. God, help me because I can't do this. And from that point on, I have not had another drink. And I'm so eternally grateful for that because I know it's beyond me to not pick up a drink. So I started my life in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's my first nine months. I got another sponsor, called her every day, went to a meeting every day. People told me no major decisions in the first year. That didn't apply to me. I immediately got into a relationship. Actually, I started having a relationship while still married to husband number one because you know you have to have one going before you actually leave one. And as a matter of fact, I had two going because that's the kind of girl I am. And I left and was going to a meeting every day, calling my sponsor. She took me through the steps out of Hazleton because that was a message that was carried to her, and I did it. I was absolutely willing to do everything that they asked me to do, except when it came to relationships or conduct. But, you know, I mean, I was willing. I wanted to be here. I wanted to do this thing. And I had woken up a little bit. Anyway, at about nine months sober, and by the way, I didn't really, I was still a thief. I was just stealing, not capable of working. You know, the concept of being a worker among workers is completely foreign to me at that time. Paying my bills is foreign to me. Driving on a legal license is foreign to me, being a member of the human race is foreign to me I don't know how to live very well and in any area so I'm crazy and around nine months I mean I'm just bouncing off the walls And I met some people who said, hey, come on over to this group called Fourth Dimension. So I went on over there. I was going to check it out. And I go over there and it's a big book meeting. You know, and they're talking about the big book. And I'm like, holy shit, all this stuff I've been hearing in meetings, that's where it came from? You mean how it works is in the big books? I had no clue. You mean there's directions? I remember when I discovered the directions on how to start and end your day in the 11th step, I was floored. I mean, I was so excited. I had no clue. I had No idea that there were directions in the book and I started to have an experience and I started to find myself in those pages and it was awesome. It was wonderful. Um, I found the answer. So I get another sponsor and, um, you know, she's, uh, I'm going to these meetings and I'm reading and I'm talking about the book, you know, and I, you know, uh, I had issues with God and then I had, you know, the burning bush experience, you know, where it's like a big neon sign. God is here. God is here. And, you know, and I became an evangelist. And if you weren't doing it this way, you're doing it wrong. And come on with me. And, you know just, I got very, very on fire. And, um, um, my life is still incredibly unmanageable, but I'm on the path. Um, and I'm beginning to learn how to pay my bills and to work and all that stuff. So, I'm going along swimmingly in around three and a half years at the end of a relationship. And I was still safe, by the way. You know, I'd have brief moments of sanity and I'd started to change, but there was not that full surrender that we talk about here. My life, in a lot of ways, was still very much a lie. this is what I want you to see and the ego of I shouldn't be doing this and if you knew what I was doing or how I'm actually living I'll lose some status with you I'll loose some integrity with you so I got very sick that way and around three and a half years I just had my dark night of the soul suicidal depression rage angry lost my job no place to live no money very dark place and I met this woman named Camille Frey from Louisville Kentucky, thank God and she says to me, well I tell her my spiel about how my life has fallen apart And, of course, I've been wronged by the people in AA. Because, you know, I got disowned because my behavior became so insane. People were like, stay away from me. I was one of those people that they said, don't talk to her, stay way from her. Because I got so very sick sober. And I didn't understand what was happening to me. And I was very angry at the people and very angry God. And I'm like, why are you doing this to me? I've done everything you've asked me to do. AA doesn't work. I've done what they've asked me to do. And I met this woman, Camille, and she looks at me and she goes, Valerie, you're a mad dog alcoholic. Mad dog. She's like one of those Louisiana psychics. You're going to die. And you know what attracted me to her was I heard her. I got to be her host at a conference. and I heard her get up and talk about how she was 12 years sober and crazy insane in this relationship and she was sitting with a shotgun at the door waiting for the old boy to come home because she was going to blow his ass away. And I'm like, yeah! I feel you. I understood that. That got me right here. Because I was mad. I was angry. I mean, I was going after people again physically. I was a very violent person just rage so she helped me and she saved my life and she said Valerie you're a mad dog alcoholic let's talk about what you've been doing and I was desperate so I said okay and I didn't have any money because I wasn't working because I was just incapable and I borrowed $40 and I drove out to Louisville, Kentucky And she sat with me, and she took me through the circle and the triangle. And she goes, what have you been doing here? You know, let's look at the steps. What have you Been Doing Here? You know. And I had been using inventory that was at checkmark box inventory. So I did not have a clue about the exact nature of my wrongs. There were things that I had omitted. I was not entirely honest with someone. There were amends that I was not willing to make, especially financial amends. Those were some of the most difficult amends for me to make because it's my money. It's mine. So we just started going through that. And then she had me look at the traditions and she hadme look at my conduct in Alcoholics Anonymous and my conduct within groups. And my conduct was not good in AA. I didn't stay away from the newcomer. I love 13-stepping people. I didn' t get to meetings early unless it just happened that way. I didn''t stay late. I was a taker in Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn ''t help clean up. I didn.''t extend myself. I didn?'t show up rarely to home group meetings. I didn'T keep committed meetings unless it didn'' t interfere with what I had going on. So stuff like that. She had me start looking at my conduct in Alcoholics Anonymous and what kind of member are you? And are you a taker in AA or are you giving back to Alcoholics Aanonymous? And then she said, you know, the concepts are a little beyond you right now. But, you Know, the Concepts are principles that we live by as well. And we'll look at these when you get into service. but she started talking to me about how I could immediately start being of service consistently to Alcoholics Anonymous and she gave me very specific directions so anyway she started at the beginning of that book and she said Valerie this is the deal you can't do this in bits and pieces it's all or nothing baby she says when it says write we're going to write when it asks a question we're gonna ask that question And when he says, go here and do this, we're going to go there and do this. Are you willing? And I said, well, hell yeah. I borrowed $40 to get my ass out here. Yeah. So yes. But I didn't say that. I thought that. I didn' t say that to her. I said yes, I'm willing. And I did that. And my life has not been the same since I had that experience. My life has changed dramatically. You know, in the big book they talk about that we are revolutionized. Our life is revolutionized by this process. And I had to go look up that word, because what I think it means isn't always what I think it needs or what it means. It means you get picked up and turned in a completely different direction. And that's what happens here. Thank God I got picked up and put in an entirely different direction and that's a good thing because I was insane, suicidal depressed, angry couldn't seem to be of real use to people my life was the bedevilments. So I started that process, and it was a long process. It actually took me a couple of years to fully come out of that depression. You know, a couple people in AA were like wanting to commit me. You know you need help, professional help. You need to be on medication. And I'm very grateful to Camille. This is my experience. I am very grateful to her for telling me that I suffered from a spiritual malady. And I had to get on with it full on. You know, so I went home and I wrote my inventory. And I drove back to Louisville, Kentucky. And, you know, this was very sensitive inventory. And it was big. Because, you Know, I was very, very sensitive. You know? I was needy and sensitive. it. And I had an amazing experience writing it, but I had an even more amazing experience fifth-stepping it. She sat me in her sunroom and she, I'm like ready to go and she sends some other woman that I don't even know in there. Says read it. I'm not going to read it to her. I'm going to be like, are you kidding me? I mean, because this is sensitive stuff. But I'm willing so I say okay and I'm angry because she does understand me and um this is hard stuff and i'm still afraid of what you think of me and uh so i read it and with a little resentment you know i read it and then uh she sent somebody else in there said now read it to her and i am like okay i read that she sent someone else in here now read to her and i read and then finally she heard my inventory and our book talks about that we can read it to person or persons and she knew what she was doing with me when she did that she knew how much she knew who a liar I was and how large my ego was I had such feelings of difference I was such the actor my life was such a lie this is what I want you to see and I'm terrified to tell you how I'm actually living, what I'm really doing. I just want to tell you what I think you want to hear so you'll think I'm okay. Terrified of not having people's approval. Terrified of not having power or the illusion of power that I'm better than you. I've got something you don't have. So she knew what she was doing because I got smashed and it was good. I feel like, You know, and it was good. Let the angels sing, and it was good. So anyway, you know, and went through six, spent that hour alone. Six and seven are powerful, powerful, powerful steps. Unbelievable. To me, writing fourth column, being able to fifth step, magic happens in those places to me. I absolutely begin to feel the nearness of my creator. I start to experience forgiveness in a way I didn't know I was capable of. I started to experience compassion in a way that I didn'T know I WAS CAPABLE OF. You know, my sponsor used to say to me, Valerie, I ended up, well, I worked with Camille and then I ended up working with Don. And one of the things that he said to me is, Valerie, I realized that given the right circumstances, I'm capable of just about anything. And I started to understand that and have an experience with that that truth. There's no room for me to judge anybody. And just compassion started to come into my life. That was sorely missing. It was extremely judgmental. So anyway, that whole process saved my life and changed my life, and I started to just live sober. Became a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, as I understand that today, and everything that that means. So I worked with her, and I met Don and began working with him, and he took me to a different place. And that was amazing. One of the things that Don did for me was he got my reliance and dependence off of human power in a lot of ways. I got stripped of a lot of beliefs the next time I went through that were faulty. I remember going through the second step with him, and I remember him saying to me, you know, you've got a lot of funky ideas about God. I'm like, what do you mean by that? And he goes, well, let's just keep going. And I believed that God had favorites. I believed that there were the haves and the have-nots, and I was a have-not. I believe that there were people who had special access to that power, and I was not one of those people. I believed that it could not happen for me like I saw it happen for others. They had some kind of special line to God. And I remember calling him up one time while we were in that process, and I was all in a tizzy because I was in a lot of pain, and I wanted relief from it. And I thought I had to pray just perfectly because if I didn't pray just perfect, I wasn't going to get any relief. God wasn't gonna listen to me. And he goes, well, what do you think about God? And Herb talked about it beautifully yesterday. Well, I think God is vindictive and I think God is punishing and I think God has favorites and just this torrent of crap. And he says, well you've got God set up as a version of you because I am all those things. I am punishing. I am vindictve. I play favorites. And I had. I had set up God as a version of me and a little light went on. Oh, okay. So he really helped me gain a relationship with this power greater than myself that is not all wrapped up in fear. He helped me step from bridge to shore by uncovering what my beliefs are because I don't live very well on my own steam. And I'm somebody, too, who worships knowledge. I love to be able to figure it out. I love the magic. I love being able to read a book and have the magic happen. I'm going to knowledge my way into something. And I just love stuff that satisfies the mind. And I love trying to wrap my mind around spiritual stuff. And I'd love to try to get there. And Don would say to me, Valerie, there is no there. What do you mean there's no fear? You know, I just want to get so spiritually fit that nothing bothers me. You know? I'm just, you know, floating along all is well. No temptation here. I'm at peace with my character defects. You know all that stuff. You know and I used to hear these big book people saying, Oh yeah, I'm so grateful for my character key effects. They take me back to God. And I'm like, what kind of crap is that? You know they just keep getting me in trouble. But I was still at war with them. And now, and I was still terrified of pain. Terrified of pain. So I suffered. And today, I'm not afraid of my defects of character and I'm not afraid of pain either. Because on the other side of that, of whatever, not that I'm asking for any to be brought on. But I'm not afraid of it. And the reason why is because when I have gotten on the other side, beautiful things have happened in here. If I surrender, learn what I'm supposed to learn, do what I am supposed to do, I am taken somewhere else and it is infinitely better than where I was. so it doesn't frighten me anymore. So, I've written numerous inventories. I just had a little resentment the other day. I was showing some gals how to write inventory, and I'm like, well, I got a resentment, so we'll write it together. And, oh my God, was it bad. I'm not going to write it. I'm part of it in there was, I'm a victim. And I was like, God, I can't believe that's still there. I thought I was rid of that. But, you know, I like to be the victim and I want you to suffer because I'm suffering and I wants you to know that I'm suffer so I'm going to treat you bad. And I mean it's just like oh my God but you know they're laughing at me like we're glad that you're on the same level with us you know but it's good, I think it's real important And I think it's important that the women I sponsor are able to see into my life. My life must be an open book because I don't have anything special. I just have a little bit of experience walking this path. But I am still subject to the human dilemma. So anyway, and it's so important that they know what we do when it shows up. those directions still apply to me. I haven't outgrown them. When I had to start making amends, how are we doing? Don't forget to remind me. When I started making amens, and Herb talked about this yesterday, I was like, yeah! Financial amends were very difficult for me. I was making maybe $12,500 that year. You know, not a lot of money. and I'm trying to pay rent, support myself, car payment, insurance, all that stuff. And I owe over $40,000, $50,000 in financial amends. And I'm like, there's no way. And I absolutely thought, well, I'll just save up and I'll pay it all at once. I believed that and I wanted that. So I ran my bright idea by my sponsor. And I was told, absolutely not. You took it out of the world. You've got to put it back into the world, and it's not on your terms. You pick one, and you call them up and arrange the best deal that you can, just like our book talks about. And I don't care if it's $5 a month, $1 a month. You are making that payment, and its made consistently. She was very clear. and I can't tell you how hard it was for me to write that check and how humbling it was for me to write that check everything in me was screaming no, no,no but again how free do you want to be and am I willing to go to any lengths and am i willing to set aside my personal feelings at the moment and just follow the directions and trust. And so I did. And the strangest thing happens. The more I started to pay back my amends, the more money I started to make. The better jobs I started to get. And I don't understand how that happens. I am not educated, dropped out of high school. My sponsor actually made me go back in sobriety and get my GED. On paper, I should not have the life that I have today. On paper, I should not be making what I make today. I am fully self-supporting in all my affairs through my own contributions. That's huge for someone like me. Not only financially, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I remember calling Don up once and I'm like, fix me, fix me fix me and if you know Don he's like I ain't fixing you go pray about it do what you think is best and if You make the wrong decision You can clean it up you know not quite like that but He's like I remember one time He said to me He goes Valerie you're such a thief quit trying to steal my experience go pray go search fearlessly within and take action because you know I still want tell me what to do tell me who to be tell me not to believe no you go do it because I'm lazy I am lazy and there's real work involved here you know Don told me too spiritual path is not for wimps and it's not by any means it's hard There are times that doing the right thing is extremely difficult where I feel completely split in half. And it is a real struggle. Now, I know what people, well, you're making it that way. I know, but it is. You know? I can't just poof, you know, undo it. It just is what it is, but sometimes it's not easy. Not only in doing the right thing, but actually loving people can be extremely difficult. And I've learned more about that from sponsorship and also sponsoring people. As a matter of fact, where I really started to learn how to have a relationship is in sponsorship because that's where I started to begin to be completely honest with somebody, to be giving to someone and to learn how to receive from someone. I absolutely believe in strong sponsorship, strong, clear, direct sponsorship. And I've been really fortunate because the people that, the mentors that are in my life are very, very direct. They do not foo-foo around with me and they do not care if they hurt my feelings. They absolutely believe that they are more interested in saving my life and telling me the truth than whether they're going to step on my feelings. I mean, Camille used to say to me all the time, I ain't going to pat you on the tutu, honey, and tell you it's going to be all right because it's not. What are you going to do here? So anyway, so, you know, I got busy making amends. And I had some amazing experiences with my family, making amens there. I had a lot of abuse, physical, sexual. I've been through rape and molestation, all that stuff. Getting clear on amends in those areas was an incredible experience for me. Going out and making those amends changed me at depth. I stopped being a victim to my past and in bondage to my past all those promises started happening I started to become very effective in every area of my life I got married that's interesting stuff for inventory that has forced me to look at myself in a lot of different ways I'm very grateful for the husband that I have sometimes I think, well that's not what I want that's no what I like you need to change and realizing that I've never known what I needed I just know what I wanted and half the time I don't even know what I want. What I think I want is not really what I want. You know, half the times what I think is going on isn't what's going on at all. So, you know, I've given that up. I don' t know what I need. I've been having some Um, interesting experiences currently with Step 11 and prayer. Um, you know, after my sponsor died, I kind of shut down a little bit. I don't want to get all teary. And I didn't realize that I was doing that. Now I'm starting to get a little emotional and a little angry. Just a little. and one of the women I sponsored goes, thank God because you've just been walking around numb. And I didn't realize it. And one of things that's been with me is out of our 11th step in the book and that just simple prayer of merciful Father. I am weak I pray that your will not mine be done sorry I'm crying and that seems to be creating a place in me where I can rest that simple prayer so grateful for them. That 11th step is continually changing for me. And always expanding. It reminds me of what it talks about in our book, that the realm of the spirit is broad and it's roomy and it is all-inclusive. and I'm having more of an experience with that. I don't even know what it all is. I can't put words on it yet. I just know something's moving around in there. I absolutely believe in being inconvenienced for Alcoholics Anonymous, giving my time it's amazing that I have any time to give but giving my time to sponsorship being active in AA going to my home group being an active member of my home groups and my homegroup kicks ass I think I sponsor some of the finest women in the world, and some of them are here with me now. But learning how to give of myself, carrying the message of Alcoholics Anonymous, being an active member, getting active about carrying this message is very important. Being committed to all three parts of AlcoholicsAnonymous is important. It's a message I carry to the women I sponsor, and if they want me to sponsor them once they get through the steps, they must become active in sponsorship and in being of service to Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a requirement. If you want what we have, then do what we do. It's that simple. And it will solve your problem, whatever it is. I have had some of the most insurmountable, seemingly insurmontable problems, issues and concerns in sobriety. And I have not understood how living this way of life would solve those problems, but it has. And I'll leave you with this and let Herb get up here and finish his stuff. I remember when I had, I've lost everything several times in sobriety. That's a little dramatic, but kind, not really. And I remember one of those times and I'm staying at my ex-husband's house with all my little stuff and green garbage bags. And i'm sitting on the porch and I'm complaining about the state of my life. My sponsor didn't want to hear it. What my sponsor asked me is, how many drunks are you working with today? What is your plan for today? Stronger sponsorship knows that if you will give yourself to this, it'll all work out. It'll all be fine. It's okay. Just do what we do. I don't know how. It's going to work out. Don't know what it's going to look like, but it will. And I trust that today. I trust the great reality. I know that it is loving. I absolutely want God's will done in my life. Absolutely. So thank you for your time and thank you for having me up here. It's been a real honor. Thank you. Thank you.