Union Park Group in Orlando – Anthony H.

And get out of the way and let him talk. Not that I'm going to get over this fool, I can't get out anyway. But Tony, we'd like to welcome you. Hi. My name is Tony, I'm an alcoholic. I don't know if anyone can see at the back here, but I have to be careful because Because I've snapped the tendon in my left leg. So, I have to keep... If I drop dead from a thrombosis, I'm told by the doctor that I've got to keep my leg up. Being an alcoholic, I defy those orders. So, try and stand as much as I can. And my leg's gone to sleep now. Like my head used to go to sleep many years ago. But anyway, I'll try and settle in here and see if I... Are you okay there, Grant? Oh, yes, I am. Okay, well I'll try and do the best I can. As I said, by the way, I'm an alcoholic. And a day at a time, I've been sober just over 22 years. I don't say that to impress you guys. It certainly impresses me. Because I couldn't stay sober for more than 22 minutes. minute. And that's a lie. I mean, I could actually stay dry for six weeks. That was the limit for me when I used to try and stay dry on my own. And I better put that there. Anyway, where should I start? I guess at the beginning. Well, no, I'll start at the end. In fact, talking about alcoholism and alcoholic personality, the thing that saved my life when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous was on December 29th, 1975. I'm trying to speak speak slowly because I've got a funny accent. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous December the 29th, 1975, two days before my natal birthday, and Pacific Palisades Group in Los Angeles, and the speaker that night, there were two speakers, a man called Don who was a doctor and the other one was a man named Chuck C., Chuck Chamberlain. And when Chuck got up to to speak that night, I realized I'd come home. It wasn't so much that Chuck C was an alcoholic like all the rest of us, but he was a great speaker. He had a great aura about him, peace. And he described our alcoholic personality. He said that, you know, alcoholics are driven people. We are tough people.We are hard people. There is nothing. We're unstoppable people. We have great willpower. And he said for years in his life, he tried to beat this problem with willpower and my years really picked up that night because that's where I'd given it I've given it my best shot I tried to beat this with will power I failed miserably all the time as you know that's a regular story in these groups I don't know any of you here I know only met a few of you people but I know that we're all the same basically how we all have different personalities we're old different kinds of alcoholic but basically they're all alcoholic drug addict whatever had either money or the time when I started drinking and drugs were fashionable in those days, but they weren't. I'd have hit those as well. I drank anything I couldn't chew. And I did everything at the double and nothing was enough for me. My thing in life was, is that all there is? Like the Peggy Lee song, is there all there Is? Everything was constantly disappointing me. And when I got into AA that first night it was one of those amazing moments. I thank God that I wasn't an intellectual I wasn't clever, I wasn t very intelligent. I had an average brain, that was about it. But I d been very successful in my career through sheer willpower, I guess. And when I heard Chuck talking that night and the other guy Don, they talked about the self-will run riot and the power of denial of the alcoholic. And I can say tonight standing here 22 years years later, a manifestation of my own alcoholism which is quite recently. I'm an actor and I'm making a movie here. I have a friend here, Alex. It's a stunt double for me. Also an alcoholic. The Australian kind. And we were doing this stunt over there. Isn't this the stunt double that you pull the tendon in? well, it seemed a pretty trick but anyway I had to do this thing and I snapped the Achilles tendon and I got up in typical alcoholic fashion 22 years later said I'm okay it's only it's on your machine gun bullet wound don't worry about it went back to work and I struggled through the rest of the day next day I was limping around with this broken tendon and everything was fine could see you okay yeah, I'm fine good time a whole week passed and my leg started to swell up and the ankle was bruised and I thought oh and the nurse on the set she said well I think maybe you ought to go and see the doctor in case you have a clot in there you know a thrombosis and a clot can kind of kill you you know if a clot breaks away you can that can be it curtains so I went to the doctor and he examined it told me to get up on the table he pressed around on the calf he said he said you've snapped the tendon I said have I got a thrambosis and they said no but you've snapped the Achilles tendon I saw okay so what's that like he said well that's very serious is it? yeah I said what happens if you don't have it operated in within the next two weeks you're going to be crippled for the rest of your life so I took a moment and I thought well I've got a good life and I've gone another leg I've had a good career I play Long John Silver now so I considered this and I said to him I said yeah fine I don't need the operation I'm just going to go on I said you mean I'll live permanently he said yeah he looked at me he said yeah you can be lame you're out of photolatrophy I said no it's no big deal and I was hobbling back to the car and this nurse was with me and she said you know you really ought to take what he said seriously because you know it's your leg it's more important than doing this movie and I said yeah I know but I want to go on you know and I phoned the producers up that night they said no operation just going to go on I'll just have a limp, permanently, that's all. And I was amazed that they didn't react in the kind of wonderful way, you know, I think, God, great! And three days later they pounced on me, they said you can have the operation. And it didn't occur to me and I phoned my sponsor up in California and I told them the story, he said that's typical alcoholic and it reminds me of the denial that's in our system, that was a form of denial because I think we're tough, resilient people I mean how any of us are here tonight? I don't know how I'm alive because I should have been dead years ago, and if I wasn't dead I should've been in jail years ago. Life isn't fair. If it was fair, I would be dead. But I used to drive a car blacked out and still deny it. You know, I used to go down to Central Hospital in Los Angeles, you know, carrying the message down. And I'd see old guys in wheelchairs shaking, falling apart with wine saws all over them. And they said, what are you doing here? I said, it's an AA meeting. Do you want want to come into an AA meeting now I'm just suffering from nerves they'd say that's denial you know looking down in the gutter face down in a gutter and saying you're not dying that's what it is and this in a way was a manifestation of that in a kind of funny way I mean I'm glad I they persuaded me to have the operation but the point of that boring story was just to tell you that that is really alcoholic behavior and I got it done and it's still a pain in the butt because because I'm now immobilized. And for an alcoholic to be immobilize is a nightmare. So I can't get around much, but I'm stuck with this for three months and I'm going back to work on Monday to do some sitting down work. And then we postpone the movie and we go back to Los Angeles. But anyway, the point of all this was I just want to say that in that euphoria at that time, that few weeks ago, the wonderful thing about being sober is that even the possibility of being lame was exciting because everything is exciting. I mean, I may be boring, but I've never been bored in 22 years. And I told my sponsor this joke on the phone. He said it's like the alcoholic on the raft. You know, the alcoholic who's dying, he's on the raft. His ship has gone down. He's the only survivor and he's bobbing around in the ocean now. The sun is blazing down on him. He's covered in sores and he're dying. He's only got some water left for maybe another two hours. He's dying. He's had it. In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. And this big ocean liner spots him and it starts circling around. And it gets closer and closer. and the cat says hold on we're coming to get you and the alcoholic says which way are you going I guess that's it that's what we are but I think that's why we're such great people because we are crazy I remember one night when I heard Chuck say and the other guy talking and I thought I am insane and I've been insane for many years and I'm allowed out and it's ok to be here and that night I heard chuck say he said we're here because we're not all there he said that's fine and that's the great thing because we are alive and we are enriched souls I believe I don't know if we are special people I don' t think we are special I think we're cursed people we're truly blessed if we can get a handle on this thing called alcoholism a day at a time I carry around in my body and in my personality a seemingly hopeless disease which is terminal and progressive and will kill me and yet for some reason 22 years later I'm sitting in a meeting house in Orlando, Florida. And I take it that my life is none of my business because I came to this country in 1974. I became an actor back in the 60s, I think it was, and full blown alcoholic and I came here in 74 to New York and I was looking... I came to America. My intention was to make a lot of money and you know, make the pot of gold. And the last place I expected to end up was Alcoholics Anonymous. The last place alcoholics ever want to come to is Alcoholics Anonymous and yet this is where I ended up much against my will much against why well and I can't explain why that happened to me except I think there was one streak of decency left in me and I'd done everything to get into a lot of trouble I've been through two marriages on my I'm still with my second wife and uh and why she lived with me all those years I wouldn't have given me more than four minutes of my time if I'd been her but like we do attract some pretty remarkable people I think I don't know why they put up with us but my wife put up with me through the drinking years and through sobriety I didn't know which was harder for her and she's one of those weird moderates you know terminally moderate she's here in Orlando with me and she has one glass of wine every night I don' t know why she bothers because it's on the table for about a whole hour she usually ends up pouring half of it down the drain She smokes two cigarettes and doesn't bother to inhale. And I ask her sometimes, I said, why do you bother to drink? You don't even finish it. Sometimes, you know, she's walking around the house something, you know back in England or wherever we are and she'll suddenly say, didn't I leave a drink somewhere? I said it's on the kitchen table. I always know where it is. I said how do you know? I said I always knew where it was. I said can you even have it out of your hand? She said well I don't need it that much. I said, what does that do for you if you have one thing? She said, well, it's nice. It ticks the edge off. I said what edge? But she's normal. She's not an alcoholic. She says things like, weird things like leave it, let it go, forget it. I had to go on my knees every morning to ask God to help me to forget it because I have a long list of resentments in my mind that go back years and years even before I was born I couldn't resent anything. But those normal people tend to be whatever normal means my wife I guess tend to be easy going have an equanimity in their nature and have a lot of common sense I respect them very much and I have a lot of friends who are not argonics they still present me I mean I go out with some friends in London and between four of us we sit there at the table maybe six sometimes I don't go out that often but when we do and I watch them they have a bottle of wine between five of them and it's still half empty or half full when we got to leave and that's the weird thing I remember when I first got sober and it was my first year and I was driving from New York to Los Angeles and there was some kind of I don't know public holiday it wasn't Thanksgiving but it was something like that maybe 4th of July I can't remember and this stewardess in the plane was going around with champagne you know champagne for I can only remember it may have been Thanksgiving she came to me she said do you want some champagne I said no not for me thanks she said well come on it's a special day No, no, no. She said, I said, no, no, no. She said one hour. I said I've got a report to work next Thursday. She looked at me and she said I don't understand. I said no, no do I. See nothing ever satisfied me. Nothing ever satisfied me because in the ocean of booze nothing would ever satisfy me. Work, success never fills the cup. I'm always wanting more but as I'm getting older I'm wanting less now because I've done it all I've had some fun and as I said I've never been bored in my life in these last 22 years I never get bored and I've learned a lot I think through the years of being sober I hope I've been learning and will go on learning I don't come to any great conclusions because everything is pretty open ended I came into Alcoholics Anonymous as an agnostic most amazing thing happened I came to New York first of all in 1974 and to do a play and I met this woman it was in October 1974 and she was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I was drunk as a skunk and sick to death and insane and she didn't say a thing she did the typical AA thing she'd left me alone she just smiled a lot at me never mentioned and we started rehearsing and we were working on this play and we went on this big successful show for eight or nine months I think and she, Mary she's dead now she died sober but she never said a thing to me she smiled at all my stupid jokes sometimes she'd come over to the bar with me and have a coffee it was one of those sort of restaurant bars and I was really puzzled by her and somebody told me they said you know Mary's an alcoholic now I knew that she'd gone and said something you know tell Tony I'm an alcoholic and I'm in AA I'm deep there so they passed it on that way you know Mary's an alcoholic I said oh really God that's sad I said I don't see her drinking they said no she doesn't drink she's an AA what's that an alcoholic oh I said that loud yeah that's religious yeah well she's sober anyway I said that's why she smokes so much is that why she I couldn't figure out and I never dreamed of asking her and then on my last few weeks in New York I remember I was in a party and I tried to stay dry for about six weeks and I was in this party and I was drinking and I wasn't bad shape and I asked her for help she took me out next day we went out and had a meal and she gave me some information about this weird program called Alcoholics Anonymous and she said some pretty insulting things to me that the child could understand she said you you know, if you don't take the first drink, you won't get drunk. Oh. Of course she's talking to me like this Mickey Mouse language. She said it's like taking an elevator from the top floor and you can get up on any floor you want. Or you can go right down to the basement and into hell. Or she says it's just like taking a subway from Park Avenue right down through the Bowery. She said you can Get Off any time you want to. I don't know why she's talked to me in this fairytale language. so she said would you like to come to a meeting and I said no having asked for help I typical alcohol turned it down but I stayed dry on my own for five weeks with a little help of a little bit of glass because I didn't like much that wasn't my scene but I remained sober for some years stayed dry and I think at that time something had happened something had shifted chemically in my body and mind or whatever I flew out to California in July 75 and I naturally I took that first drink and I hit the booze pretty bad then I dried out another few days maybe a couple of weeks then I hit it again and it was tequila the stuff I used to love tequila and it did wonderful things for my brain tequila being an agnostic or an atheist it gave me visions of God and angels this is hallucinogenic the amount I was drinking I think by that time my tolerance had become pretty low my threshold had become low and I didn't need to drink that much and I would start to hallucinate and get these strange religious visions they were really weird but what they did it softened me up for this program because in december 1975 i my wife left to go back to london uh she left she wanted to go back and let me die if that's what i chose to do or give me space to die she knew she couldn't handle me anymore and uh i remember saying to her i was driving her to the airport i said i think i'm an alcoholic she said oh yeah i said maybe i'll join a sure and she had changed completely she gave me the cold shoulder and I saw her off at the I said say hello to your family have a good flight she said yeah and I realized in that moment as she turned her back on me that I had lost the one person I'd ever loved she was walking away from me and I hated her for it but I knew what she meant she couldn't take anymore got in the car and I drove down to Arizona I started my drive to Arizona I was on my way to New Mexico to find those magic mushrooms that Carlos Castaneda thought they'd ever read Carlos Castaneda because I never had the standing part to read anything very much but I heard about these magic mushrooms and the yaki Indians on them so that's where I was headed I want to get it off the planet you know I wanted something stronger than tequila anyway I didn't get that far I got as far as Arizona and Christmas Day and I was staying this lousy hotel I phoned my wife on Christmas morning in London I said happy Christmas thank you where are you I said I said, I'm in Phoenix, Arizona. Uh-huh. No surprise at all. Well, have a good time. She put the phone down. And I drove back to California and on the 27th of December 1975 I sat in my apartment and I knew it was over. And I felt that loneliness that only alcoholics feel, I think. Well, I don't think we call it the market on loneliness but I think it's a special loneliness that alcoholics heal because we're going insane. And next thing I remember somebody phoned me and I ended up in a party and I was in this party sitting under a piano which is not sort of normal behaviour of social people having a fight with another actor and it was in Beverly Hills and anyway this woman picked me up and she said come on you're going home and I stood outside with this friend of mine and I said I've lost my car somebody's stolen my car he said no it isn't he said you left it in the middle of Wilshire Boulevard with the engine running and the radio don't you remember I said, no. He said, somebody saw you, got in the car, drove you here, and you don't remember? I said no. I said all I know is that I'm an alcoholic and I need help. And I looked at those, I think they were pepper trees, out in the sky, and I thought somebody up there really likes me because I should be dead by now. I used to do all those crazy things, drive my car in blackouts, never remembering next day where I'd been, whether I'd killed I'd always check the radiator to see if I had any blood or anything, or damage. I don't know why they didn't catch me. The police never picked me up. And I can't remember driving over the canyons into the valley at night. And this friend stayed with me. I went to his house and I said I'm an alcoholic. I sort of sobered up. It was like a pilot light went on. and I stayed Sunday back at my apartment didn't think of phoning AA I thought I'd give myself 24 hours to think about this very seriously which is very dangerous to think for an alcoholic especially on one's own so on the Monday I got up and I thought well maybe I'm making a big thing of this and a little voice inside prompted me and said pick up the phone and phone our father's parents I phoned them up and a woman answered the phone and her name was Dorothy she was an elderly woman and I said my name is Tony I'm an alcoholic I think I'm an alcoholic I said I'm beaten I don't think I can drink anymore she said that's good I said I feel terrible she said that's really good I said I'm kind of at my wits end she said that's realy good and she said do you want me to send somebody over to see you this was 10 o'clock in the morning I said no I didn't want anyone in a white raincoat and Bible and a bottle of scotch coming over to see me smiling goodness all of me I was very suspicious of this organization I resented elderly ladies with teacups and cookies saying hi honey I didn't want anything to do with that charity I hated Christianity, church everything about God and holiness and goodness I thought I hated but deep down I didnít of course I wanted it I wanted to be normal this monkey was on my back and I couldnít get rid of it people had told me friends said you know Tony you're so successful you're so talented why do you do this to yourself do what can't you just cut down the drinking I'd look at them that disgusted look are they insane cut down why why cut down anything why why take half measures at anything so I went into the central office in West Los Angeles and And I met this lady, Dorothy. And she was a woman in her 70s, I think. I walked into this pinewood office and the smell of coffee. Beautiful sunny California morning, Monday morning. And I said, my name is Tony, I phoned you, did you hear? She looked like one of those ladies out at Norman Rockwell, you know. she said sit down I sat down and she talked to me for a little while and she said what do you do I said I'm an actor she said oh my husband was in your business she said he was a sound engineer in the movie business motion picture business she said he nearly died of alcoholism and she says I came in to volunteer to answer phones she wasn't an alcoholic herself she's one of those very Christian women so she talked to me about the nature of alcoholismo and I said well I've stopped many times but I can't stay stopped she said well that is alcoholism honey I said I can stop but I can't stay stopped she said that is alcoholism and she said it will kill you she's here nice looking young guy she said what you don't want to kill yourself do you I said no are you married I said yeah I gave her my history and I got up to go and I said what do I do she said well give me your phone number and I'll get somebody to come over and see you tonight and take you to a meeting and they said meeting immediately my defences went up I said is it religious she said no just try it and see and as I got up to go she obviously saw that my I was in a great dilemma I was an agonizing dilemma but I knew it was over I knew the show was over I know that I'd been waiting for years for life to start I was rehearsing for the big event all my life and I was on the sense on the verge of discovering that this was the big even in my life and she said to me very gently she said why don't you come home and rest and I got all choked up and emotional I thought it was Swallow's come home to Cabistrani, huh? She'd just come home and rest. And then she did that hokey thing in her RM. Boy, she said, why don't you just trust in God? And everything... I knew she was going to zap me with that word. The G-O-D word. And it was like a door opened and the light went on and I thought everything I've tried with my keen alcoholic brain has failed. all my first class thinking all my reading of power, positive thinking and self-help books all that stuff I'd done a valiant effort to change myself hadn't actually got me out of the nightmare that I was in some of it had helped me to get towards it however and lo and behold as she said that I thought well why not I got down on the street and the most remarkable thing ever happened to me in my life and it was one of those moments and I don't say it to claim that I'm special because I wasn't but maybe it's what I needed it's the thing that happened to Bill Wilson but it's what I needed, I guess because I thought I was too smart or too clever or too successful or too... I don't know what I was supposed to what I thought was I really never had much of an opinion myself anyway I never liked myself I always thought I were stupid but at that moment something happened I got down on the street and it was a beautiful sunny morning and a big voice deep inside me said it's all over and now you can start living and it's only been for a purpose so don't forget one moment of it now go about your life and it was that clear and the craving to drink left me that moment 27th 29th of December 1975 probably about 11, 10, 45 in the morning so much so that I got into and I knew what it was it's something I'd been looking for all my life ever since I'd been a little kid I came home from school at the age of 4 one afternoon and I told my father see what did they teach you today sonny my father God rest his soul was an alcoholic I think he was he died a bitter man an unhappy man restless and when he drank he did those things that we do but he only drank in later years when he said what are they teaching I said they taught me the Lord's Prayer in the 23rd Psalm it's all rubbish don't believe in God and all that rubbish there's nothing there it's just rubbish get out in the world it's a dog eat dog world don't trust anyone do them before they can do you that was his philosophy he didn't really practice that because he was as softy like all of us you know but he tried to be tough he was like like willie lowman in death of a salesman never thought he got his life right you know he died sadly 1981 frightened and alone and that moment for that time from the age of four right up until at night i used to sit in cathedrals in saint patrick's cathedral in new york in my drunken years looking at people praying what the hell are they on about why is all this why are they are on their knees are these intelligent people or are they just dummies and sure enough that old friend of mine from four years of age turned turned to me and said, hi, I've been waiting for you. And that's what it was. That voice was like an old power. So much so that I was going up Ohio Avenue and I stopped off and I went into this Catholic church. And I saw a priest crossing from the church into his office. So I said, could I talk to you a moment? He said, yeah, come in. I went inside with him. I didn't know what possessed me, but he said, can I help you? I said yeah. I was looking pretty rough. I said I think I've found God. He said well congratulations. I I said, well, I don't know what to do about it. I said... So, too, I'm an alcoholic and I've just joined AA. He said, Well, that's a good organization. He said... They're great people, the Alcoholics Anonymous. He said and... He said if that's what you're looking for, if you're an alcoholic, you're in the best place. I said is it religious? He said well, if you found God, you shouldn't have any problem with it. I said yeah. He zapped me, got me, but somebody could... I was had. I couldn't get out of this. Fixed everything. So I went back to the apartment and Dorothy, the woman from central office, phoned me up. she said have you got any alcohol I said yeah I've got some beer I'm pouring it away now she said well just pour it down the sink do you want me to hold on to the phone I said no so I'll pour it away she said somebody will phone you and that night a man called George phoned me and he was everything I expected you know he phoned my he did one of those mean things that alcoholics and non-Muslim people do he phomed me sign my name's Josh I'm an alcoholic is that funny I said yes have you had a drink today he said no because we're deeply sons of bitches all of us he said what's your address so I gave him the address and he said she was 6.30 he slammed the phone down so I couldn't get back to my car so I thought I'll go and hide 6.35 sure the bell rang and I went down the stairs dreading it but I was kind of curious as well and there was George silver hair crooked smile straight teeth and his girlfriend Lila she was chewing gum and we got into the car and George smelled a bath with the shaved lotion and he gave me a handshake which nearly broke my hand he said hi I'm George I'm in our car I said well you know what we're talking about I sat in the back of the car and she turned to me and talking about ego and all the rest of it and how this disease kills you and I thought I'm really in with the I'm in with them nuts now I'm weird I was born again Christians and with all due respect I don't want anything to do with this if it's Salvation Army as much as that I don' want anything to do with charity and tambourines and singing hymns I don''t want anything to do it so we pull into this car park in the Pacific Palisades ironically enough I bought a house there recently just up the street from there so life is a strange way of completing the circles as I got out of the car I saw this actor this old guy walking down from his car with his wife with a crowd of other people so I said to him I said what's he doing here I said I just worked with him he said he's an alcoholic I said I just work with him last November he's not he's no alcoholic I walked in the meeting and this old fella said hi Tony how are you doing I've been waiting for you I said, did you know? He said, Tony, we always know. He said sit down. And then a guy called Bob came over and I sat between these two men and that night a man called Don got up and spoke, he was the first speaker it was an hour and a half long the meeting and um I've got to go for another 20 minutes so Don got off and he was a surgeon from Palos Verdes and he said my name's Don and he looked like one he looked as if he'd been hit by a truck He looked like a beaten-up face, and he had a voice like, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. And he said, describe yourself as a surgeon. I mean, how can I be a surgeon? I said, I am a surgeon, you know. And he says, my moment of awakening was when I was standing over a patient who was open. And he say, I was about to operate, and the nurse said, Doctor, you've just operated, so what happened? And everyone in the room started laughing. I thought they were all crazy. and he was laughing everyone was laughing I thought I thought these people were really onto something they were all laughing and then we had a coffee break and then the second speaker got up he said my name's Shaq I'm now a garlic he said by the grace of God he said I've got 30 years sober this January and I thought well he must be suffering from brain damage how can he and he talked about the nature of this disease and he said you know he spent his whole life trying to organize everyone else they used to call him the drunken preacher in Beverly Hills. He knew all about God and the Bible, he stood in the middle of Wilshire Boulevard preaching the gospel, put in and out of jail. Crazy man! And he finally got sober in 1946 and he said that this disease is a progressive, cunning, baffling, powerful and it's terminal and it kills you. And he said it's all about surrender. He said the moment you surrender and he said, give up fighting everything and everyone. He said, you'll find the good life. And he said the moment he stopped looking for the million dollars he made ten million. The moment he started trying to travel around the world he traveled around many, many times. The moment his family became a family without his help. And I thought this really makes sense. I thought I was listening to Buddha. And the meeting ended and I was introduced to Chuck and he says, George introduced me. he said this is Tony it's his first meeting and Chuck put his hands on my shoulder he said you just keep coming back he said because we're the luckiest people in the world he said we get better than better we alcoholics are remarkable people he said if you're in this organization and in this outfit stay in he said I highly recommend it and he said if you do he said you'll find a good life and I'm here to say that I have found a good wife I wouldn't say that it's Pollyanna or Vrede no it's not a bed of roses life is tough life is unfair fair, if it was fair I should be dead years ago. There is no justice. If there was justice I should have been dead years go. I should've been in jail, in jail in the booby hatch or I shouldve been in an insane asylum. But for some reason beyond any of my knowledge, any understanding, I came to California in 1975 and for God knows what reason ended up in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I take it that my life is none of my business. The moment I I make it my business, I'm in big trouble. Because I'm back in the squirrel cage. And every day I want to take it back. Every day I wanna take it back. But that's okay. That's being human. You know, as Guy said, you know, you can't get rid of the human ego totally. We need some of that. It's the bare end of the saddle that keeps us moving. We have to keep moving. We have take actions. We have to make decisions and then many times we make wrong decisions. But at least we give it our best shot. And that's what Chuckies say. Give it your best shot! Just Just give it the best you've got. I've got over the years, I've met most stunning people, and I've been all over the place, all overthe world. I remember going to Australia in Melbourne and going to a meeting and meeting a bunch of Australians in a room. Actually, I've made a lot of Australians in Australia. I have my friend here. Or in New York. You meet a lot of New Yorkers in a meeting. I don't know who they are. I go in, but within minutes I know what they are because we all have the X factor. Arcadic. Drunk. Addict. I'd always wanted, when I was a young actor, I always wanted to be an alcoholic. I thought it was so romantic, you know. I still have the word dyptomaniac. Alcoholic. I used to think it was such a gritty word to be in alcohol. They didn't know either, I wasn't. And I'd like to say for the newcomer or the guy who's just been here six days that no anyone knew or anyone old that it's not the amount we drink it wasn't the amount I drank it was what it did to me it was the effect it had on me when I look at my wife who is as peculiar to me as she I must be to her certainly her drinking avatar I look up I look down at someone and millions of people like her who can do everything in sort of moderation she has her little hang-ups I guess little obsessions cleaning all that that's fine there's nothing to be put in jail for it she bosses me about she tells me what to wear and I say okay, fine but that's her right that's a privilege and that's wonderful and I love her for it but looking at her I think sometimes I said I asked her something I said how is it you can handle your life so well she said well what's the problem you know she's getting older me I'm getting older so if she wants to go on a diet she'll just cut out certain foods me I have to struggle and leave my brains out she will just cut down I said what do you mean just cut down start chewing your food slower I said I can't why I'm the fastest eater in the world. I do my own stunts now, I don't. But that recent injury was a case in point of being an alcoholic. I think the greatest thing, and I feel inspired to say this, how much longer do I go on? Well, I'll turn it up soon. Time for a coffee actually. I think the greatest thing for us and for me is I'd always looked for the beautiful people I'd almost wanted the beautiful life and I found it in Alcoholics Anonymous in all shapes and sizes met the most remarkable people I was talking to one this morning he's a 36 year old con man and he's still a con man he was a drunk con man now he's sober con man and I can see how the movie makes you hi Tommy how you doing and I understand him he's a sober horse thief I love him for it because he can't stop doing what he does and you know I know a couple of alcoholics who are gamblers can't start gambling but they're sober and I've met you know aging hippies like I feel like an aging hippie with his beard and I have the most romantic life I live a wonderful life and every day I have to remember because every day I'll grumble and I'll complain about this that and the other my leg is going to sleep it's ok and I complain about everything but I have to remember all the time and I've got a list of resentments in my head that will take me back to an elephantine memory for insults and sidesweps but I had to remember that those can kill me I heard a story a guy called Clancy you've probably heard his tapes he was an extraordinary man I was in a meeting in visit to Palisades last year and Clancy runs the mission downtown Los Angeles for all the down and outs and the alcoholics on the streets and their average is maybe 10% survival. Most of them die. Our psychiatrist does this amazing job with them. And he was an alcoholic himself, he was sober for 19 years trying to get sober. An amazing guy. And he and Chuck were very close friends but I remember him saying we had a meeting one morning an early morning meeting in the Pacific Palisades last year or something I believe and he said my name's Clancy and I'm an alcoholic He said, this room, he said, I used to come to this meeting. It was held on a Saturday morning here years ago. He said my sponsor started this. He said My Sponsor Saved My Life. But my sponsor died drunk. He said because they changed the seating arrangement without telling him. And although that was kind of funny, it was very sad. He said Because that's what gets us drunk is the snapping shoelace. It's the appointment that's not kept. The little tiny things. We can handle earthquakes. We can tackle twisters. we can handle anything but snapping shoelaces or somebody looking at us from the passing bus can get us drunk and all the ingredients of all the peculiarities that we are all the weird stuff that makes us all mix all of us up and certainly in my case i know the weird strange things that go on in my mind that i feel like a rich person because i've made friends with people who are you know I mean the richest people in the world I don't mean financially rich just amazing people power packed people ex-cons people who were in jails and I knew a guy in Los Angeles who was had his last drunk was a shootout with the police he and his wife and they ended up in a big jail for 10 years and he came out and reformed sober alcoholic and he's about 30 years sober now his name is Woody an amazing guy and I've had the privilege meeting by people like that some of the old times what I love about this meeting I've only been here three times it reminds me of the early days in Los Angeles when people used to smoke I was in a meeting with Alex a couple weeks ago at a meeting I had a bit of piss in me I think and people were smoking I thought it's like the good old days I don't smoke myself and you know I don' t like it's too smoky but as it kind of took me back 22 years ago and I used to go to those meetings some of those old-timers were there sitting around the clubhouses, paying cards. And these are the guys who saved my life. I remember going into the central office in my first week after being sober for seven days. I was feeling nervous one morning and I was sitting in the coffee shop. My wife hadn't come back from England. And I was very nervous and I, I was convinced I wouldn't be able to figure this program out. I'd failed at everything in my life and I thought that I'd fail at this. I'm bound to screw this one up so I walked down the street and went back into that central office that I told you about and there was a man there called Dan he was a big guy he had tattoos all over him and he was the last person on earth I wanted to see and said what can I do for you I said my name's Tony he said my name is Dan I'm an alcoholic and he looked at me and he had big head big shoulders he looked like a killer I think he was I said, how are you doing? I said got five days sober and he gave me a big bag I said I'm scared he said, you're scared? I'm always scared I said you? yeah I'm an alcoholic everyone's scared he said I am scared so what? come have a coffee and magical things like that and he put me at my ease and I realised that I didn't have to be John Wayne John Wayne had scripts you know You know, he didn't have to be Humphrey Bogart sort of looking cool or whatever. But that's what I've tried all my life, to be like somebody else. And I've learned some lessons in this life, a few lessons anyway, I hope. You know I have a cat who is quite content being a cat that doesn't want to be a dog. But me, I always wanted to be somewhere else. Look at the hummingbird, it doesn't wanna be a crow, it's quite happy being a hummingbird. But we alcoholics always wanna be somewhere elsewhere. I really have to close now. I remember my first two years of sobriety, my wife and I drove down to Arizona. We bought a new car and took off. And I'd been, this is alcoholic. And we got to the lip of the Grand Canyon. And we were, got up early sunrise to go and see the, down into the Grand canyon. I looked down and said, is that it? Yeah. I thought it was deeper than that. I guess that's why we drink and use drugs because life is constantly disappointing us we have such a lust for life and life is consistently laying us down so we commit suicide slowly on the installment plan I guess that's what the dynamic is we slowly commit suicide because we can't get enough of the elixir of life alcohol has been with us for thousands of years it's used in religious ceremonies needs to be just about a little bit too much of God I guess but as they said we look for God in the bottle I was looking for God in the bottle and I found some kind of peace of mind momentarily and then it would turn around and zap me and I had the tiger by the tail for all those years and all I can say is we're round out now just going back to that little injury business I had a few weeks ago when I decided that I didn't need an operation only a couple of bullet wounds so what I got another the leg chop this one off but the funny thing was I was kind of excited by a future like that I thought this would be fun this will be interesting this will be really interesting you know to have a limp crazy but it's interesting at least we're alive and uh I guess that's it I love being here tonight and I'm just sorry I'm so immobile well I can't move around much but in my short stay here in Orlando it's been a pleasure meeting you all and meeting some of you and meeting you all tonight hopefully I get to say hello to you all to the newcomer and anyone having problems with alcoholism at the moment or recovery just keep coming back as I was told just keep coming back there was a guy called Milton he'd been sober many years and he said how are you doing and I'd say well you know just keep coming back yeah but just keep coming back just keep coming to the meeting and he tapped me on the head he said that's a very sick machine you've got out there what do you mean he said that's as sick piece of machine you've go out there he said just keep come to the meet don't ask questions leave all your thinking outside because that's the thing that'll kill you that'll get you he said get your backside into the meeting park it on the seat shut up and listen you know take a cotton out of your ears and he told me he said in the early days when he got sober he even dared to open his mouth when even you come up he'd say did you open were you going to say something or were you going to put a donut in there he thought nothing to say yeah you come out he said in those days they were really tough and I had some tough spots in those day some of those little guys in Los Angeles and North Hollywood were the great guys who helped me and I hope and pray that maybe my humble words I hope they've been made some sense to someone and will help because you certainly helped me tonight thanks a lot