Twenty Months in Institutions and a House Full of Angry Alcoholic Women Laid Every Brick of My Foundation – Mary L.

Hi, everyone. I'm Mary, and I'm an alcoholic.
I really want to thank Wally and all of those of you on the convention committee
and all those who came before you on the convention committee
to pave the way all these years, one day at a time,
for this moment and for this weekend.
I think this is a weekend about love affairs.
I've been noticing everybody who's in love.
Somebody just told me that he and his wife are spending their 23rd wedding anniversary.
I believe that's what he said, 23rd wedding anniversary here this weekend.
And I thought, my God.
What a beautiful way to celebrate the love that has been able to flow through us
because of this program.
I would like to.
Also, thank you for the beautiful gift.
I had a basket with some beautiful goodies in it, and that was just wonderful.
Dave and Cheryl have just made themselves so gracious and available to us,
as all of you have, really.
I just can't say enough thank you.
It's such an honor.
Wally, this is going to be a weekend I will always remember.
Thank you.
It's not for a moment.
Yeah.
I knew it.
You all have dirty minds.
You know, I mean, I should have known it right off the bat.
Friday night, I was trying to weave my way, and then I came across a man who had his arms
on both chairs, his hands on both chairs next to him on either side.
And I said, can I just get through?
And I promised I'll give you your chair back.
I won't try to take it.
And he said he lifted his arm up, and I got through.
I hustled poor George through.
And I turned around to him, and I said, okay, you can put your hand back there.
Naturally, somebody heard it.
Made a big deal about it.
I suppose you'd like to meet old George and poor George.
This is poor George.
Stand up, George.
Thank you.
I'm 58.
I was born in 43.
George is only 46.
So you can see that it's been kind of rough being married to me.
Ed knows why.
He caught me trying to do Armando's job for him Friday night.
Hey, you guys, this is really swell.
I'm originally from, well, Chicago, and then Duluth, Minnesota.
So I'm going to tell you.
I'm going to tell you an Oli and a Sven joke.
Oli and Sven decided they were going to go to the tavern on a Friday night,
and Hilda wanted to go along.
And Sven said, oh, Oli, do you mind?
And he said, all right, good God.
Anyway, they got there, and you know what happened.
They got very, very intoxicated.
All of a sudden, Sven was looking around, and he couldn't find his wife, Hilda.
Not only that, or, yeah.
Hilda.
Hilda.
It's catchy.
No, I had it before I got here.
Not only that, but he couldn't find his best friend, Oli.
And he just started frantically looking around in the tavern.
He went in the washroom.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Out the front door, nothing.
Out the back door.
And he was just about to come back in because there was nothing out there
when he heard a funny sound coming from the back of his pickup truck.
And he went over there, and oh, my God.
There's Hilda, and there is Oli going to it.
But he staggered back through the tavern in the back hallway,
and the bartender looked up, saw him coming, and he says,
Sven, you are drunk.
Sven said, you think I'm drunk?
You should see Oli.
He thinks he's me.
He thinks he's me.
He thinks he's me.
He thinks he's me.
he thinks he's me.
he thinks he's me.
he thinks he's me.
he thinks he's me.
he thinks he's me.
Now, just as a way to qualify, I will tell you that I'm the Hilda in that story,
and I never knew that I was not a Sven.
You could have fooled me.
The other thing is that that's kind of my story.
I mean, it's a story of mistaken identification.
I'm a woman who has had terror ever, well, ever since I was two years old.
That's what I think I put it at.
Now, I thought I was terrified until last night in the lobby.
I met a young man, and I said,
Holy mackerel, you must be scared to death.
And he looked at me, and he said, Why?
I said, Because your hair is standing straight up on end.
Several.
What a beauty.
What a beauty.
My sponsor taught me one God, many faces, one life common to all.
That's why I love to go somewhere where I'm not from, because I see God.
Every time I look around, I see Sherry, and I see our birth grandmother.
Now, I want to say something about that.
We are an adoptive family, George and I, and parents of four children.
And their mother is still a child who had children,
and their grandmother is still a child, a young woman.
And so.
Sherry, you don't remind me of a grandmother in terms of age.
You remind me of the love that shows through these eyes here in this room.
Thank you.
I'm sober since January 15, 1972, thanks to the grace of God
and the power of the 12 steps, as well as the fellowship of the Spirit.
I have two home groups.
One is the Mustard Seed Women's Group.
One is Monday evening at 5.30, and the other is the Rise and Shine Group at 6.30 a.m.
And both of those are wonderful meetings.
And so when you're in Great Falls, Montana, or in the area,
just look up Mary Huntington Lennar, or George Lennar, L-E-H-N-E-R, in the phone book.
You can stay with us, and you can go to meetings with us.
That's an open invitation.
Thank you.
I wasn't in trouble.
I'm Mary, and I'm an alcoholic.
I was not in trouble, as I say, until about the second year of my life.
Up until then, I think I just came out of my mom's chute, eager, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed,
and I just knew that life, this world, was my oyster, and everything in it was mine.
And about the age of two,
I made the most decision based on self and that self-centered fear
that this was all fine and good, but it wouldn't last if I didn't prepare.
And what I really needed was somebody's approval.
Now, if you're the first child born to a mom and a dad,
and your mom is already skittish.
She already knows she's got a handful, having been married to this man,
and she's never had a baby before.
So I didn't know.
I didn't want to bother her.
In fact, I just said,
Hey, Ma, don't worry about it.
I'll take care of you and me both, as I was coming out.
So at the age of two, I said,
I know if my dad accepts me, loves me unconditionally,
approves of me 100% of the time in 100% way,
then I'll be okay.
The selfishness.
The gall.
I didn't tell him, of course, so he didn't even know that was his job.
I didn't know that he was simply a human being trying to do the best he could.
And so we were off to a bad start, he and I.
In 81, when George and I married, I said to my sister and my mother
in the living room of my youngest sister's home in Youngstown,
Mom, did Dad and I always have a war going on?
And she looked at me like I was crazy.
I was 37 at the time, and nine years sober and clean.
And she said, Mary, you were the apple of your father's eye.
And I knew she was telling me the truth,
that I had been lying to myself up until then.
Changed everything.
Also, the first, fourth, and fifth step I did changed everything.
So, when I wrote down the fact that I resented my father
because he was uncooperative,
unaccepting, intolerant, judgmental,
I found out in the fifth step process
that the only way I could identify or recognize any of that
was because it was a war.
It was within me.
It hurt my feelings.
Which is another really hard thing for me still.
I can remember one of my, the first speakers I ever heard
in Duluth, Minnesota, a woman with black hair,
just, you probably know her, I can't remember her name,
but I know that she was well known.
And she said, you know, I don't think I'm ever gonna move beyond
having my feelings hurt or looking for your approval.
And so she gave me permission, I think, right then,
along with my sponsor, to be a human being
before I'm anything else.
And that has saved my bacon so many times,
to tell you the truth.
I mean, I understand that the fact of my alcoholism
is probably the most powerful, important fact of my life today
in addition to the fact of a loving God
that works and operates in a daily way
and gives me 12 steps to follow
based on spiritual principles
so that I can meet whatever comes today.
And the fact of the matter is,
I never knew I was a human being.
That was the other thing I lied to myself about.
I thought, I thought I was the worst of the worst
and the best of the best,
and that all started from the age of two on up.
So my first unhealthy dependence was to approval.
My next unhealthy dependence was probably to excitement
because something happened to me when I got excited.
It was like a tension reliever.
And so that was the beginning of learning to live
from crises to crises.
And then I suppose the next,
I'm trying to think the first time I was sexual,
either, you know, self-pleasuring or with another person.
And I think it was probably,
I'm just telling the truth.
I'm trying not to lie.
I think it was before I had my first drink.
So I learned that that kind of a sexual pleasure
was absolutely stress-reducing and freedom-producing.
And so that was another unhealthy dependence.
It wasn't unhealthy.
It was just the way I sought it that got a little unclever.
So you can see that when I reached for my first drink,
it's only 25 after six.
Oh.
When I reached for my first drink,
something absolutely miraculous and magical happened.
And I don't know if it was a first,
if I had one or two beers that day.
We had moved from Chicago
up to the northern suburb of Wilmette.
I was now at New Trier High School
in the middle of my freshman year.
I think that's what made me alcoholic.
And I've heard other people say,
that is very traumatic for us.
You know, oh.
Anyway.
I just wanted to be included.
I wanted to be included.
I wanted to be included.
I wanted to be included.
I wanted to be included.
I wanted to be included.
I wanted to be included.
I wanted to be included.
I wanted to be included.
I wanted to be included.
I couldn't figure out why people
were kind of giving me some distance.
I think it was because up there where we moved,
all of the girls had beautiful little
peroxide streaks in their hair
and a little flip up or a little flip down.
And they all wore, dyed to match,
wool Angora skirt and sweaters in pastels,
either pink or lime green or yellow.
And the men were jocks.
And the men were jocks.
And I had black.
I had my black sweater buttoned backwards.
It was on my back.
The buttons.
And a long skirt.
And I walked, you know.
And I was a hoodlum.
All of a sudden one day I'm walking home
because there was a,
it was,
we had this week of tests
and they had breaks in between each test.
So I'm walking home
and a carload of people come by
and they say,
hey, we're going to a party.
You want to come?
It was the first time I had been included
in that new community.
And I said, you bet.
Oh, yeah.
And so we went down to an Al Capone casino
that was in ruins on Lake Michigan.
And somebody broke out a beer
and handed it to me.
Did I drink too?
I don't know.
But I do know this,
that when I drank that beer,
immediately I felt full, whole.
Not only that,
but I was smart as a whip,
clever as can be,
and I didn't stammer or lisp.
On top of that,
I didn't give a rip what you thought of me.
In fact,
I wasn't sure that I approved of you.
And it was the most freedom-producing miracle
I had ever had.
And I was so happy.
I was so happy.
I was so happy.
I was so happy.
I was so happy.
I was so happy.
I was so happy.
I was so happy.
I had in my life up until that moment.
And I knew intuitively
that it was something, another lie,
I could control.
That whenever life got a little rough,
I could just take a little bit of that
liquid courage,
liquid serenity,
liquid thrill and bliss.
And that's what I made my commitment to.
That was really my very first
real love affair.
And all went well
for a couple weeks.
And then I started doing silly things.
You know, really silly things.
I can remember being sexual
when I didn't intend to be sexual,
running away from home,
making an absolute commotion,
developing these terrible tales
about my wicked father.
I'll tell you,
our kids are getting even
from my father.
Wicked tales about my father.
And I just created
more and more stuff
so that I could justify
continuing to take a drink.
And then you wouldn't get on my back
because you were starting
to get on my back.
You were starting to not complain
or criticize, but you were
pointing some things out.
And of course, I got good about that.
You'd say, oh, you were really funny
last night until about 10.
And I'd say, oh, you thought so, huh?
What did you like the best?
And they say, well, when you got
on top of the table
and started dancing,
that was pretty hilarious.
Oh, uh-huh.
But then when you jumped
on Harry's shoulders
and broke his back,
that wasn't funny.
So I learned to interrogate you
to find out what I had done
because I was having blackouts
on a regular basis.
I was drinking more.
And of course, I didn't know
that was a red flag for alcoholism.
I just thought I was just
too cool to move.
I could drink all of you
under the table.
And little did I know.
But towards the end of my drinking,
I would take a little thimble
full of vodka
and I would be
totally drunk
on that little...
Because my body
wasn't metabolizing anything.
I was a daily drinker
and I drink a lot.
And my body
was no longer metabolizing.
So I was really pitiful.
You know, the other thing, too,
is I must tell you,
I was in professional circles,
it's called a hero child
because I was the first
to make my parents a family.
And I was also a scapegoat
because I was developing alcoholism.
And so I was...
I was always running around
asking if you'd like,
oh, a cup of coffee.
Can I get you anything?
Do you want me to help you
get into the next room?
Can I do your homework assignment for you?
What can I do for you?
I'm just here to please.
I'm just here to be helpful.
And I kept getting
absolutely crucified
everywhere I go,
which has also been a pattern
that I have experienced up to
including through today.
So I kind of get kind of praised
and slapped around.
And...
laughter
laughter
laughter
laughter
laughter
laughter
So it's not alcoholism,
it's just an identity crisis
I'm going through.
laughter
I am a chronic relapser.
I would have a day
or a minute
or a week
or maybe even a month.
Never any longer than that
before I'd be back drinking again.
My first experience
with Alcoholics Anonymous,
a man who was deeply
in love with me,
a man who was so in love with me
that he told me
he thought I had alcoholism.
He was a year ahead of me
at the University of Maryland
School of Social Work.
And he said,
I think you need some help.
And I'm going to make sure
you get to a meeting.
And he took me to a meeting.
It was in a church basement.
And man, you people
were just beautiful.
Shiny eyes, great smiles,
the enthusiasm, the spirit
was just intense.
And I said, and I meant it truly.
I was so grateful you had found
this miracle.
And if I ever got that bad,
you know, by the time I got back
to Alcoholics Anonymous,
I felt, I believed truly
that I was too far gone,
that I was too bad,
that I was not capable
of this beautiful thing
and that I would never,
ever be able to get it.
You knew differently
because you knew
that we just live
on the basis of hope.
We don't know.
What do we know?
I know nothing.
That's the other thing
I've lied to myself
all my life about.
I thought I've known so much.
I have known so little.
I ended up in a place
that was an institution.
And the first time I was there,
this was about my 15th
or 16th treatment center
and detox center.
And by the time I ended up there
the second time,
I was there for six months.
They saw fit.
It hurt my feelings.
They saw fit.
They saw fit to refer me on
to a women's halfway house program
in Duluth, Minnesota
called the Marty Mann Halfway House.
And I called my mother
and I said,
Mom, do you know what?
They want me to go on up,
instead of coming back
to Chicago like I did
the last time because you
and Dad were having marital
difficulties, they want me
to go to Duluth, Minnesota
to a halfway house
for alcoholic women.
That's what I said.
And she said, oh, Mary,
don't you think you've
put in enough time?
With that, my dad was
on the other extension
and said, they haven't
led you astray yet.
I think it's a mighty fine idea.
So I knew my goose was cooked.
I knew I'd had it.
So at about 98 pounds
with skinny hair,
I was in the middle
gray skin, a falling down
alcoholic, I still fall down
a lot, by the way,
a falling down alcoholic,
I went to a halfway house
in Duluth, Minnesota.
And I was there for another
14 months.
So I was institutionalized
for 20 months.
I know it's hard for you
to really even imagine that.
You believe me, don't you?
It's you.
Anyway, so I had a lot of time.
And I'm going to really focus
on that a lot this morning.
Why?
Because that's where
the foundation was laid.
I mean, it was just
an incredible thing.
I mean, it was my first year
and really my first two years
that I think have been
absolutely the springboard
for the rest of my life.
And I told myself, of course,
and I told you that the problem
with me was alcoholism.
Once I got the message,
that was a lie.
I told myself.
And I almost set my first
sponsor straight, Marion.
She said that alcoholism
is a physical compulsion.
No, the treatment center told me
alcoholism is a physical
compulsion to drink
because of a psychological
obsession that condemns us
to die if we do.
Marion said, alcoholism
is a self-made excuse
to bring us to our knees
to say yes.
Yes.
To a spiritual journey
we've been trying to avoid.
And I said, oh, no, it isn't.
It's a psychological obsession
matched by .
But I was smart.
I'm Mensa.
I was smart.
I just said it to myself.
I did not say it out loud.
They had been telling me
that I was too smart
for my own good
for a long while.
And I really didn't think
I could use my mind.
I really, I was so terrified
of using my mind
for so many years in sobriety,
which was probably good.
I try to use my mind
in a healthy way.
I suffer from a malady
that has attacked me
and is waiting to continue
to attack me, body, mind,
and spirit.
And so what you've taught me
is that I really need
to nurture and to feed
and to accommodate my body,
my mind, and my spirit.
And so I try to do that.
So I do use my mind
within certain parameters.
The 12 steps, sponsorship,
my home group,
living just one day at a time.
You know, imagine that.
I remember Tommy B.
from Winnipeg said,
I loved it.
He was such a hero of mine.
He still is in spirit.
And he said he went to Florida.
My sponsor said,
never mention anybody's name,
ever, at the podium.
And I said, why not?
And she said,
because whose names
you don't mention
will be offended.
I said, oh.
So I hope I do this right.
Anyway, Tommy B. looked
around the room,
and he saw people with 32 years,
31 years, 27 years,
da-da-da-da-da-da.
And he said to himself,
wouldn't you think that by now
they could live life
two days at a time?
No, even they have
to live life one day at a time.
And that's really kind
of a saving my fanny right now.
I must tell you that I was
so hungry.
I was so hungry.
I didn't even know how hungry
I was.
And somebody put a pen
and a notebook in my hand,
and I followed Marian
around everywhere.
She ended up, oh,
this was a pitiful story,
I'll tell you.
You already know my father's
position on my recovery.
Follow directions, he said.
And so here I am at this halfway
house for alcoholic women.
And Dorothy is the director,
and she's just loving me.
And says, I think I was just
here long enough for you to come.
Now I got to get out of here.
Why?
And so all the three daughters
were still furious with her
because of her alcoholism.
And so she came up and she took
over a women's halfway house
program where everybody in the
house, all 12 women, were
absolutely, or 11, furious with
her because Lorraine, the
founder of the halfway house,
had left.
And nobody could be furious
with Lorraine, it's like, you
can't be furious with your
mother directly, so you do it
indirectly.
And so everybody was furious.
with Dorothy because Lorraine
had left. It's a little
bit like our big dog got
neutered because Callie
got knocked up by Barney
who was our Basset Beagle Terrier
mix little dog.
I'll tell you
another thing that makes a lot of sense.
Well, there was a lot of commotion.
I knew what to do about commotion.
Get that big dog neutered.
Now you know why I say
poor George.
I'll tell you another
conflicting thing that I cannot even
believe to this day. My sponsor
Marion said
to me early in my sobriety after
she took over the directorship of that
halfway house program, which was
not Alcoholics Anonymous, but where
AA was spoken.
She said to me,
women
sponsor women
in Alcoholics Anonymous
and men
sponsor men.
And my sponsor is Chuck
C.
Well, I couldn't challenge her because
I was only a minute and a half sober.
And she was quite
sober.
And I
had a resentment right from the get-go.
You asked
me to make sense out of all this.
Right from the get-go.
Be tough on yourself and
gentle with others. That was another one
that I really hated.
So
you
didn't have a rule book for how to live
life. I mean, I kept looking for the right answer.
Okay, when this happens, what do
you do? Which is how I went through graduate
school, by the way.
I was drunk. And so I would go,
I would pile,
make piles. And then I'd get ready
to study, and I'd realize that the piles
weren't right. So I'd repile.
And that's how I've been in
sobriety, too.
All right? So
anyway, I wrote
everything down that she said. I followed her.
I just, she would oftentimes
come in the room at night,
and she would take the pen out of my hands,
turn off my light. Because I'd
fallen asleep while I was writing. I still
do that. I was on the plane
the other day going to Chicago.
My mother and my father are both,
88. And, you know,
it's so cool to be there for
them. And my dad and I just have a great
relationship. He said to me the other
day, he's untreated.
He said,
he said the other day,
your brother and I had a very
long talk today, and
I've decided, even though it's
not my responsibility, I'm
going to pay for your mother to live in
assisted living. And I said,
have you checked it out with her yet?
She wasn't
buying it one bit. Anyway,
it is such a privilege.
The night before I go anywhere, I think this
was true long before we got children, but certainly
since we've gotten children, I usually
do not go to sleep the night before I go
somewhere big. Especially if I have to fly
because then I have to
sort and decide what I'm going to take.
If we take a car, I can take everything.
But if I have to fly,
I have to kind of discern.
And,
so on the way to Chicago, two months
ago, a month and a half ago, I was a little
tired. I got on the first plane
and I fell sound asleep.
I got on the second
plane and I fell
sound asleep after I ordered my cup of
coffee. And all
of a sudden, I felt something
very hot. And I
realized that I had dumped my coffee
over while I was sleeping.
And, you know, you can't
make a big deal on an airplane because you know
what they think. They're going to try to
cause trouble. So I was, I was
very, I was very
good about the whole
thing. And I still do that.
I still drop coffee. I still
fall asleep while I'm reading at night.
My favorite time is bedtime. I love
it. Along with morning.
Because I get to read. And
after, if George wants to fool
around, then we've got to do that. But after
laughter
But after that
I get to read.
laughter
And it
lasts all of about two
minutes, you know.
laughter
laughter
laughter
laughter
I drive with him. When he drives,
he loves to drive. I fall asleep
at the wheel. But I try to help him do my
part. And I say, this time, George,
I am going to stay awake
the whole time and keep
you company.
And before
we're to Belt, Montana, I'm
laughter
laughter
You know, and he just says, oh, he just
gives up. Then when we get to Duluth, we've driven
straight through. I get out of the car and I say,
oh, my God, I'm so tired. You just
don't get good rest in a
car.
laughter
And he's falling over.
You know, he is really out
for the count. He's driven
22 miles straight.
laughter
laughter
laughter
laughter
And even though I know
the answer, I say to him, what's your problem?
laughter
laughter
Get it?
I always know what his problem is.
A woman said to me
the other day,
oh, she was talking, and I
said to her, do you know what your
husband's problem is?
And she just lit up.
Her eyes got that big.
And she said, what?
She was finally going to get the
answer, even though she had been telling me the answer
for months. She was finally
going to get the answer
from a source. And so I
said, the problem with him
is that you don't have a life.
laughter
laughter
laughter
She trusts me unconditionally. I wouldn't say it to you.
I would never say anything
like that to you yet.
laughter
laughter
And what I meant was,
you know, what did I mean? I meant you don't have
a program that's working for
you right now because you've gotten distracted
and confused. You're not
living in the now moment. For some reason
you've lied to yourself, and you've told
yourself this is not a spiritual journey.
You are not in
God's lap. You are
not enveloped
with his love.
And so
that's your problem.
So I went home to George
who was always living on the edge
laughter
and I said, do you know what
I realized today again?
The problem with you
laughter
is you don't have a life.
I mean, I don't have a life.
The problem with you is I
don't have a life.
And he said, with
all of the graciousness of 29 years
of sobriety, are you
asking me for a divorce?
I said, no, no,
no, honey. It isn't about you at
all. It's about me.
And that's what I keep having to
learn, that I keep lying to myself
and telling myself, even in sobriety,
it's about you. It's
never about you. I remember
my sponsor, I was sharing this
this weekend, my sponsor said to me,
there are
no such thing
as personality conflicts.
And
it's all about spiritual lessons
that we're needing right
now, so that our rough edges
can get smoothed out.
She also
said to me, the audience
and I shared this last night,
the audience will pull forth from you
what you need
to say, what it is they
need to hear. And I
try to remember that. It still doesn't
take away my nervousness
totally, but anyway.
So I'm walking around, I'm
writing these things down.
And then she said to me,
somewhere along the line, to all of us
women,
one God,
many
faces,
one life common to all,
and
as the wave
is one with the ocean,
so am I
one with God.
And I knew
she was telling the truth.
I knew I had been lying
to myself. And I still
start lying to
myself and still tell myself
that this is not about
unity, and this is
not about differences.
Until I read in the big book, or
somebody reads it at the beginning of every meeting,
thank God.
There is one who
has all power.
That one is
God.
And
that one is God.
May you find
him now.
In that
period of time,
early in my sobriety,
we walked through the steps
as a group of women.
And so I understood
in the beginning that
the first step basically was an invitation
for me to accept myself
unconditionally.
That it was not,
it was not going to do for me to accept
myself when I learned how to drink
like a lady.
It would not do
for me to accept myself
unconditionally when I
had figured out how not to have
saggy boobs and a flat fanny.
It would not
do for me to
accept myself as soon
as I was situated
in life, just as soon as I got around that next
corner, whatever that next corner was.
That I must,
accept myself
unconditionally, just
as I am right
now. Unconditionally.
Without any reservations.
My last,
you know, my next
to my last relapse, you know why
I knock?
There were three elderly women living together.
I believe they were sisters.
One of them was getting
out of bed. And her sister was
watching her. She was sitting on the edge.
And she said to herself,
am I, was I getting into bed or going
out of bed?
And the first sister thought,
oh my God, I hope I never get that
bad. All of a
sudden she looked up and she saw her other sister
coming down the stairwell on the first
landing. And her sister was saying,
was I going upstairs or downstairs?
She said,
oh, now I know. They're just over
the hill. I hope I never get that bad.
And all of a sudden,
uh,
uh,
I can't remember the punchline, but it's,
was that the front door or the back
door? What's the punchline?
Oh, I know.
She said,
go back two seconds.
She said,
I hope I never get that bad.
Was that the front door or the back
door?
Then
my last relapse
to date, which I know
is just one drink away, when I was
getting really smart-alecky
early in my sobriety, my
sponsor turned around and she looked at me and
she said, do you know you could drink again?
I mean, she was going to
straighten me up right now.
And I said to her, with
a moment of truth, I said, you know what?
I know I could. I don't believe
I will. I believe something is
different this time. And
I know I could. So
today I tell you that today
I am alive and sober in Alcoholics
Anonymous, and I don't believe
I'll drink today, and I know I could.
Okay?
Um,
the last time I got
drunk was because of the
second half of the first step.
I'd come back from that particular
institution to Chicago,
and my man flew in
from Baltimore. This is
interesting. He, you know what,
did me. You know what I mean. I mean,
he screwed me.
And then he
told, this is the guy that told me,
if you will just get help for your alcoholism,
I will be there for you.
And I believed him.
And I also was lying to myself
saying I couldn't live without him. Huh?
So, um, he said,
okay, so it's over. And then
I went to work. My dad took me to work. I was
28. My dad,
my dad drove me
to work, back to work. And the
people, the juvenile detention
home where I worked in Chicago said,
we think it's better you not come back here.
Well, they hurt my feelings. They told me
if I would get help for my alcoholism,
they would hold my job open for me.
And they said, we think it's better that you
not return. Can we have our keys back?
And I died.
I died. I couldn't
believe it. I was
willing to go to any lengths for
my sobriety. And what I found out
later was I had two reservations
provided I get my man back and my
job back. And it didn't happen.
Nine
years later, I
realized that that man who
was living in Baltimore
screwed me
and then took off.
And that he was the
screw-er, and I
was a screw-ee.
I thought
I had wrecked his life
with my alcoholism. I thought I had
wrecked our chances with my
alcoholism. And so I blamed
myself. That was just the way it was.
So I got in trouble
with the second half of the first step.
And if you have
any reservations, don't worry about it.
That's what we're supposed to have,
our reservations.
What we're not supposed
to do is to keep it to ourself.
We're supposed to share it.
That's
what we do.
When we have drunk dreams, we're
supposed to share it. That's what I believe.
And I don't think, for me anyway,
this is my opinion on myself,
that I have a drunk dream
because I'm not sincere about
my sobriety. I think I get drunk
in my dreams because
I have reservations that are coming to
the surface to be touched by the
spirit and healed.
I'm always in process of being healed.
Which reminds me, this is out
of sequence, I just really want
to say this because I think it's the most important thing in the
world. The sixth and seventh step
says God is the
change agent. God is the healer.
So no matter how much I identify
my old patterns, my character defects,
my whatever, that get in the
way, no matter how much I try to
be careful not to repeat
old patterns from the past,
I can't change
me. So what I've
learned today, 29 years
later, in terms of
my wake-up call, is
that I must
enjoy right
now. And then I
turn the results over
to God's handiwork.
That's another thing that my sponsor said.
My job
is to be willing to go to any
lengths for my sobriety.
It's God's job
to take care of the results.
What does that mean?
It means if I say to myself
today, yes,
I must have this
thing that you have.
If I say to myself
today, I am
willing to give up everyone and anything.
Do I think that God is
going to ask me to walk away from George?
No.
If George was in the way
of my sobriety, much like
I've gotten in the way of his,
my...
I would
walk away. I would do
anything to be sober
and clean today. I know that
unconditionally. I've known that one
day at a time. And when I
forget it, you remind me
because I'm an active member of Alcoholics
Anonymous, and I go to meetings on a regular
basis. I'm of
service on a regular basis. All
the time I'm of service, you know.
That's the other thing. Marion said to me,
of him who has much,
much is expected.
And so I knew that I had been graced
with the most beautiful gift in the
whole world, and I could never, ever,
ever give it away enough.
And so I've had to learn
to say sometimes, not
at this time. That's only
because a couple of times I've burned out
in sobriety. I just hit
the wall.
The first time, by the way, was about
nine years sober. I realized that
I had really
let myself lie to myself about
how my life was over when that
happened to me
in losing that man
and that job. And that
indeed, in many ways,
at many levels
of truth, my life had just begun.
So that's where I was
at nine years. And I was
free. A new level of freedom.
And then I married George.
I was 37.
He was
um,
he says,
you tell everybody how old I am. I said, oh, I know.
It's just neat. He was
between 55 and
56.
You should see our
pictures from the wedding.
George had just been widowed.
He had married his
childhood sweetheart, and they had
birthed and raised six kids.
And George
was in a terrible depression.
I didn't, I couldn't call him.
I didn't call it by its proper name.
I didn't know what was wrong with him.
All I knew was that I could fix it.
So in our wedding pictures,
I'm like this.
And he's like this.
You know,
anybody looking at that wedding picture would say
that poor guy.
She really took advantage of him.
And what I walked into
in that year, the first year of marriage,
obviously was a huge
change. And six kids
that were devastated that
their mom had died. Absolutely
devastated.
And a man who
didn't even know if he wanted to live
anymore.
And so when those kids
were lined up with baseball bats
ready to beat me up, the minute
I walked into his life and their lives
and our marriage, I took
it personally. I had tiny bad
feelings.
And what I discovered
then was that my easily hurt
feelings are one of my most severe character
defects. Because I
just do weird things with it. I tell myself
so many different lies. How could they not love
me? Everybody in Alcoholics Anonymous loves
me. This is incredible. And I
just got down to their level and
fought back. And I got punier
and punier and punier
in terms of my heart
and my mind and my spirit.
Anyway,
what I want to say to you about that is that
nine years sober and clean,
I experienced another
surrender. I was surrendered
again. I went into a terrible
depression and dark night
of the soul. I became suicidal.
My first step
was I was willing to go
to any lengths for my sobriety,
for my life in
sobriety, because I intuitively
knew that
a drink of alcohol or a
mood-altering drug would no longer be an option.
But I wasn't sure that I might
not want to kill myself again in
sobriety. So my commitment had to be to life
in sobriety with my first three
steps. So I
was thinking suicidally, and
what happened was I was
just reduced to sit down.
I was terrified of sitting down. I was
afraid if I ever sat down, I would never get back
up again. I was
forced to sit down. And
it was during that period
that my bulimia was lifted.
God will do for
me what I cannot do for myself.
I fulfilled the conditions.
I named it. I sought
outside help.
But I couldn't make
it go away. Why?
Because I couldn't make me
go away. Why? Because
I'm not the change agent
God is. My bulimia
was lifted. Powerful
dark night of the soul.
Terrible dark.
And the most beautiful
sunlight of the spirit came
from that.
Time passed, and we
decided we would become an adoptive
family. And we adopted
no, of course not
one. Are you
silly?
We adopted four children.
Four hard-to-place children.
Chippewa Cree, Spanish-American,
and Greek.
Hard-to-place because they were ages
two, three, six, and seven.
And Nikki had cerebral palsy
and didn't walk on her own.
And the socialism,
the social workers said, this is probably the closest
you're going to come to having a baby.
I'm sure I'm
infertile because of my
eating disorder, not because of my alcoholism.
And so I had to grieve all of
that. So here I am
saying to George, promise me
you're not going to do this just to please me.
Only do it if you want to do it.
And he said, I want
to. I want to. I've been a dad all
my life. Iris and I birthed and raised
six kids. I really want to do
it.
Well, I
must tell you, it's
been a tremendous
journey. I've had this ego
squeezed out of me every
day in ways that
you couldn't even imagine.
Remember the Red McGinnis
surrender? I had
the Tommy surrender.
T-O-M-I. That's a
girl, one of our daughters. Or the
kids surrender. One night, they
stole everything. They
stole everything.
One night, I
went downstairs, and my top
was missing. A beautiful top,
southwestern design, da-da-da-da-da-da.
And I said, that's
it. I've had it.
And with that, I took off
every stitch of clothing,
every piece of jewelry. It was
10 o'clock at night. The other
three children were in bed. Just Tommy
and George were up. And this was nothing
new to them, this kind of a scene.
And I
proceeded to empty the garb.
I said, you can have everything. You
can have everything.
Take it.
And I emptied the garbage
outside in my
birthday suit.
And I just walked around.
But you know what? And
it was a most powerful
surrender. Because I
let go absolutely
again.
Time passed.
The kids have a lot of unresolved
grief, as you can well imagine. Why?
Are they adopted? You know why they're adopted.
They're adopted because their
biological family is ill.
Wrecked with this
disease.
And
they're angry.
Everybody says in AA to them,
oh, you are so lucky
to have Mary and George as your
new mom and dad.
I say, lucky?
How can they be lucky?
What would it be
like not to be raised by my own
biological mom and dad?
I don't know, because that's been my life,
my experience.
So they've been
a challenge, to say the least.
There's one redeeming
feature. The children would run away.
We have an open adoption, so we have interaction
with the birth family. And they're related
to a lot of people
in Great Falls, Montana, and the
Rocking Boy Reservation,
and San Juan. Because
Native American people
are nomadic. I didn't understand.
They're nomadic, and so they
move. They move.
That's just biologically
internalized and integrated
in them. And it's part of
the political about the culture.
So, the other
kids all the time,
the
center, and
all want to
be part of it.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
Police.
chwil
chwil
I mean, they were treating me as poorly as I had treated my father.
I could not believe it.
And I went into a terrible depression.
I wasn't sure that I wanted to live.
I became extremely compromised.
And during that dark night of the soul, my nicotine addiction was lifted.
That which I had been trying to do for myself for years, absolute years,
another dark night of the soul led to the sunlight of the spirit,
and it was absolutely phenomenal.
So what I want to say today is that if you're in a dark night of the soul,
you already know this.
If you've been in a dark night of the soul, you definitely know this,
that as you move through and out, not overcome, not get around, not understand,
as we move through the dark night of the soul in sobriety with the 12 steps,
the help of sponsorship, regular attendance at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings,
we will come back out into.
To the sunlight of the spirit, more intensified and glorified than we've ever known before.
Why?
Because the big book says we claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
I said to my physician at the time that my smoking addiction was lifted,
after he told me, you have an anxiety disorder and depression.
Those are called.
Those are called mental illnesses in some circles.
I said to him, you mean, you mean to tell me I'm alcoholic and drug addicted.
I'm bulimic.
I've been addicted to nicotine and now you're telling me I have an anxiety disorder and depression.
And he looked at me like I was crazy.
And.
Actually, what he wrote, the diagnosis he wrote in his chart was FAC, flat-ass crazy.
What he said to me was, Mary, that's what makes you so special.
And I knew he was telling me the truth with a capital T.
I had been telling myself all these years, one day at a time, that that's what made me sick.
That's what's wrong with me.
That's why I'm bad.
That's why I'm stupid.
That's why I'm crazy.
That's why I'm not good enough.
That's why I'm too much.
You know the routine.
It goes on and on and on.
What you have taught.
Is that that which is quote wrong with me today is that which is holy and sacred and designed to help me see what is holy and sacred about who I am as a child of God.
You have helped me to see that different is good.
That there is a unity that is unspoken at times and always felt when we're open to the spirit.
You have taught me that.
That a God of my understanding will manifest itself one day at a time in exactly the way I need, which has really taken George off the hook.
Because I thought God was supposed to manifest himself as George.
And one day finally, in order to not beat him up anymore, I had to say to him, I don't know if you won't or can't meet my expectations and hear my needs.
But what I realized, I've been doing you a disservice all along.
I have put expectations on you.
And I want to set you free.
And I want to never have another expectation to the extent that I can do that as a human being from this day forward.
Great expectancy I will have.
Great expectancy that God will meet my needs each day.
And that when those needs are being met through George or through you or through someone, someplace, something, some situation, some circumstance, I will be able to have passion and bliss.
And know that it is right, however God manifests in my life today.
Those are the things that you have thanked me for coming here to share.
I thank you.
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