Twelve Steps, One Book, and a Head Full of Old Ideas That Don’t Work – Earl H.

About This Speaker Tape

Earl H., sober since November 6, 1980, speaks late at night at a North Georgia retreat with about 300 men on the theme 'Steps as a Way of Life.' He frames his story as a man who came in at 28 destroyed after 16 years of daily drugs, alcohol, violence, and running — with no tools for living, no sense of family, no concept of right or wrong, a blank screen beaten to death by alcoholism. He opens by confessing he couldn't die and didn't know how to live, so he asked another man for help and started crying because he couldn't remember the last time he had asked anyone for anything.

The spine of the talk is his relationship with his late sponsor Donald Madden, a flamboyant gay man who sponsored Earl for almost 14 years until Donald's death. Donald greeted a sobbing newcomer with 'oh, look at him, isn't it wonderful, he's destroyed,' told Earl he could not be mad at a Higher Power he did not believe in, and later hung up on a three-years-sober Earl with 'well of course you are, you're sober' — a hang-up Earl heard as a blessing. Earl walks the room through the steps as three relationships: me, Higher Power, and you — 1-2-3 as problem-solution-decision, 4-5 with self, 6-7 with Higher Power, 8-9 with others, 10-11-12 to stay in the game.

He is blunt about his extremity. He jogged on 74 broken bones until stress fractures crippled his feet, lifted weights until he ripped a muscle off the bone, became a serial monogamist cycling through 'I love you, I was mistaken.' He lived six and a half years in a one-room apartment to pay off his amends, quoting the sign on his wall: 'How free do you want to be?' He describes reading his fourth step aloud to Donald at a hamburger stand while other diners moved tables away, and being pushed straight from the car to a podium in Eagle Rock to qualify with 60 days.

The teaching Earl keeps returning to is that recovery is of the mind — the obsession has to be lifted off the table, because a guy like him cannot stay sober if he is not comfortable sober. The steps are not theory; they are the chopping of wood and carrying of water that delivers the buzz. He closes with a plea to newcomers: come on, you can hate it, you don't have to think it's a good idea, you just have to do it — the action changes you whether your attitude cooperates or not.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Opens as 'Roland' mocking the previous speaker, then thanks the room and frames the talk 'Steps as a Way of Life'
• 3:30 Qualifies — drank and used daily for 16 years from age 12 to 28, sobriety date November 6, 1980
• 7:00 Asks Donald Madden to sponsor him and breaks down crying — realizes he hasn't asked anyone for help in years
• 12:00 'Earl, you can't be mad at a Higher Power you don't believe in' — Donald's signature line between the eyes
• 18:00 Old-timer tells him meetings are the fellowship but the program is in the Big Book — go read it as if your life depends on it
• 28:00 Explains the steps as three relationships — me, Higher Power, you — mapping 1-2-3, 4-5, 6-7, 8-9, 10-11-12
• 38:00 Reads his fourth step to Donald at a hamburger stand as other customers move away
• 44:00 Pushed onto the Eagle Rock podium minutes later — first time at a mic, says 'I just did my four step' and sits down
• 52:00 'How free do you want to be?' — lived six and a half years in a one-room apartment to pay off his amends on schedule
• 64:00 Closes on chop wood carry water — the action changes you whether your attitude cooperates or not