Twelve Step Workshop – Part 2 of 6 – 2024 – Peter M.

Okay, Peter Recovered Alcoholic. It's a short one and then tomorrow morning we wrap up and I'm always worried I'm going to forget. So I want to thank you Dave for taking good care of me and having me up here. And thanks Scott for taking me around and being just a new found friend. And I think Dave Lester is a dear old friend. Guy does more for AA and other drunk than most people, quietly. And I'm glad to do this walk with him. So thank you for it. He's got a great selection back there, man. So buy some stuff. It's really cool. And last but certainly not least, all of you for giving me some latitude here this weekend to be a little transparent and be free to talk. Lots of times when you do this, sometimes the direction, not always, sometimes direction and the depth you go is based on what you're getting back. So I thank you for that. So we're supposed to do a little step nine here and call it a night. The freedom I get to seek is not for me, but from me. And that was a lesson that was hard learned. The freedom was for me. But it's from me the further away to get from me, the better off I am. I'm traveling a lot lighter. But it means following instructions, and it means going any lengths and living life on terms other than my own, God's terms, following rules that I didn't write and willing to do that in good times and in challenging times. There's a great story that illustrates that to some degree. There was a man who was very, very religious and did all the things his religion asked him to do above and beyond the call of duty and was very respected in his religious community as being a leader of his tribe, if you will. And he wasn't feeling well and he started going to doctors and they start running some tests and he got the news no one wanted to hear that his time was limited. And this very religious man was irate over the news of his health and he was gonna pass. Irate and he were furious with God and furious with his church and just walked away from it all, after all I've done. And he lost sight that my job is to serve the cause, not have the cause serve me. And he walked away, and he fell asleep one night, and he had this dream. And the dream was he was walking on this big field, like a football field, and he hears, as he looks around, he hears singing, and he sees, you know, all these people, a few thousand people singing these Christian hymns and happy in their walk. And then he was really annoyed because not only he, but the rest of them were carrying this heavy cross and they were doing it joyfully, carrying this cross and singing these Christianity hymnes and they weren't happy. They were really happy and they went towards this edge of a cliff and they're about to cross over and he's even more irate and he says, these fools were going into eternity and they're happy about it and I've got to carry a cross to do it. He says, I'm not doing this and as he's walking he sees a little barn on the side of the road and he goes in there carries his big cross and he finds a saw and he starts chopping this cross down to where it's manageable for him and he said, I got over on all the hell with them and so he's looking at all these fools singing, carrying this heavy cross and they get to the edge of the cliff and in order to cross over, if you will, to heaven, they lay the cross down and it reaches the other side and they walk over and he lays his down and it doesn't make it and he's stuck for eternity in that kind of abyss and that kindof pain and that kinda misery. There's many times on this walk I'm gonna ask to follow directions and sometimes any lens is uncomfortable and I want to quit and I want to go home, I'm going to take my ball and go home. Life's being unfair. And I've heard so many stories, not only in AA, just people in general but always in here on walking through what seemed to be a very dark night and a bad storm and we stay with it and there's a tremendous amount of lessons that go on, a lot of pruning of the tree and when we get to the other side we're always so much better for it and we think, what if I didn't? You know, what if I didn't make that amends to that landlord? What if I Didn't go to confession and make that Amends to the church, if you will The experiences I would have missed That meeting that my sponsor says, get down there. I don't want to go there It's a Saturday night in the church basement. It's the Salvation Army meeting I want to Go to the hot meeting on a Saturday Night with the pretty girls and you go there and something happens Does that mean you hear a speaker you never heard before and your life's changed? We don't know. But I need to be willing to follow directions, even when the cross is heavy on my back. And where I am currently, I get tired sometimes, and I want to kick back and do nothing. But God didn't ask me to carry two crosses. He says, I'll put one on your back, and then I do that joyfully. part of it is symbolically it keeps you know carrying something heavy you're kind of hunched over you're closer to the ground in a place of humility hopefully there's a I think it's Dante's Inferno don't hold me to that but these prideful people in order to combat pride in the story they're carrying big rocks on their back and they're hunched over really close to the ground and that's the idea to combat pride, hummus, humble, close to the ground. So sometimes God will put me in a situation because he needs me closer to him, put us in a situation, but I can't see it at the time. I'm going through it and it's uncomfortable and also it kind of sharpens the tools when those wonderful times happen. You know, money comes my way. I'm not saying I got mine, you get yours. I'm charitable. My dad had a great thing. He used to teach me and my brothers. He says, if you eat steak, make sure your friends are eating steak too. Don't be the only one at the table eating a steak. And if you have the money, make sure you buy a steak for everyone or get something else. He was that way. And I come to tell you, there's a lot of that that goes on here. We eat together, we break bread together, we share together. There's no someone sitting in the throne, the grand poobah. I know a lot people think they are but it's just not that way. There's a running joke about the first thing God tells the alcoholic when the alcoholic gets to heaven God says you're sitting in my chair. I mean it's juste how we get. so the freedom we're we're seeking is not for us but from us and looking at uh step nine made direct demands to such people wherever possible except when to do so then to them or else that's a mouthful in step nine it says remember we it was agreed at the beginning we go to any lengths of victory of alcohol we talked about that earlier in how it works is remember we deal with alcohol cunning baffling and powerful we do it again here remember it was agreed at the beginning i'm willing to go to lynch the victory of alcohol case i forgot because maybe by the time i get to step nine and maybe knock out a few amends i'm thinking i'm good to go i'm gold now and i forget i'm alcoholic and after then i get through the men's tomorrow uh one of the things i was taught was do I believe completing amends has anything to do with me drinking again or not? You know, how many outstanding... This is going to make some people uncomfortable. How many outstanding amends I have right now that I could be making without causing more harm and I haven't done yet because I'm going to do it tomorrow, next week, I'll forget about it. Oh, I'm not there yet. Oh, they forgot about it, it's a long time ago. How many amends could I... that I'm consciously aware of, that I could make. And I won't cause more harm in so doing. And I don't need the whole lot of money to go and say, here it is, but make an arrangement or go see that person or make that phone call. But I haven't done yet. Maybe I forgot I'm alcoholic and I agreed at the beginning to go to Inlands for Victory over alcohol. I forgot that part. Because the ego starts to reemerge. Thiebaud talks about this, the reconstruction of the ego. And I don't know what's going on, but it's happening. You can see it and you can hear it. I start to make my own rules. My level for discernment drops. It's not on a spiritual plane anymore. Now I'm starting to see the world through the mind again and things are starting to irritate me. And now the people who brought me up in AA, the big bookers, they become an annoyance to me because they keep representing the things I'm not doing to me. the things I should be doing right now I'm not making amends, I don't want to hear these people I want to go to Don't Drink and Go To Meetings because I'm the grand poobah there I can lay some information on them I'm nicht tun, aber ich kann ihnen darüber sprechen und so I have this list and I begin praying to this list as I said earlier, to every person and every institution on that list step nine is going to say, go or don't go depending on how much harm I'm going to bring to people, I can make amends and cause more harm. And I have a couple of those stories because I was a knucklehead too. There was a young lady I dated many years ago and I was active and I harmed her, I harmed their family. They were in love with me. They wanted me to marry their daughter and I blew that up and caused a lot of problems. And so I'm sober now and I'm starting the steps and I think, you know, i'm moses and um i'm in brooklyn i'm driving i just left the gym in fact and i'm driving down this avenue and i i said oh my god that's mary will call her holy smokes and i pull over and i get out of the car and i start making my way to her to tell her make this amends not checking in with my sponsor i'm not even up to amend yet and soon as she saw me she backed up she's my husband's home he's upstairs she was afraid of me and something that little voice in my gut said get out of here you're not supposed to be here I call my sponsor he reamed me how dare you she had a little little son with her by now and he was like who's this man I had no right to do that so it's really important that I'm getting coached or sponsored here by someone who's done amends who's who's experienced with the men's who can say you you can't go there yet you're willing yes that's half the battle but some of these things I have no right to do. You know, just contacting her from a long time ago and say, hi, remember me? And she might be married with children or is dating someone and I'm going to open up this old can of worms and he might say, who is this guy? You never told me about him and I cause a fight and disharmony in that relationship. How dare I have a right to do that? A book says I have no right to save my own skin at someone else's expense. But I want to get my AA notch on the belts I go back to home group and say made another amends and I can't do that so I sought counsel what many of these amends in my sponsor they never said you better not or you have to they didn't say forget about that you don't need to they need to pray on that but this is what I would do they'd say and this is how I would do it I have a what I thought was a funny immensely there's a guy Joe Hawk and he would always just talk about where are you with the men's how you do with the men's that was his thing and he he came up to New York and I hadn't seen Joe in about a year and he walked into this restaurant was standing as Joe what's going on he's where are you with the mens that was that was this hello it was his opening and I said well I have this one amends that I'm aware of that I haven't made yet and um this is uh uh right before Mark starts sponsoring me I said but my sponsor said leave it alone he's well tell me about it and I told him You know, back in the day, I really wasn't nice to this young lady I dated. And I took money from her and I never gave it back. And I cheated on her. And I was verbally abusive and all the nonsense. He said, why aren't you going? As my sponsor said, it's a really long time ago. And he said, no, let's pray about this. Anyway, I don't know how to get in touch with this lady. This is probably pre-Facebook, and I didn't have a cell phone at the time. And in AA we used to have like they'd give you numbers on napkins, and you had the little AA black book with the phone numbers in it. And I don't know where to start. So I start asking folks who were in AA back in the neighborhood, and it took forever. And someone says, are you looking for Mary? I says, well, I'm not looking for her. I need to make amends. I know someone who knows her, and I got a phone number. Do you want it? And I took it. And I was married at the time, and I told my wife, there's someone I need to go see. I just want you to know what's going on, and I just need to clean this up. She said, whatever you have to do. And so I was speaking in Sunset Park, Brooklyn, at this group, the Sunset Pork Group. and I get out of the meeting and I make the call and this woman picked up on the first ring and she remembered me immediately. What do you want? And I said, well, listen, looking at my life, I'm sober now, a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I realize I've harmed you and I need to clean this up and I didn't rehash all the dirt. I have no right to drag someone through the mud and obviously I'm paraphrasing some of this conversation It was a long time ago. And she said, oh, it's a long time ago, forget about it. It's no big deal. I said, what can I do to make it right? She said, I need some money. I said how much you need? It was like 50 bucks. I says, I can do that. I can mail it to you. She said no, I need it now. I said well, where do you live? And she told me it was in this town called Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn which is way on the other side. So I call up Mark Houston and I says Mark Joe told me to make this amends And as I tell him what's going on, he says, okay, go do it. And so I make my way over. And as Iím getting to the address, I realize Iím in the projects. You guys have projects out here? Yeah, you do? You're in it. These are tenement buildings and, you know, thereís a lot of stuff going on in there. And I drive up, and this woman's standing outside with a pit bull waiting for me. Now, when I knew her way back when, she was a looker, and she wasn't now. And she was under the throes of it. I could spot that. Now I put it together. That's why she needs money. Okay. So I get out of the car, and I give her the money, and I start to talk to her about Alcoholics Anonymous. And I started to talk about Cocaine Anonymous because that's what it looked like where she needed to be. And she wasn't hearing it. And I wished her well. And that was it, and I got back in the car. I took a deep breath, and I'm driving away. And the cops rolled through the projects during the night. And so as I pull out, they pull out of the projects, and they're right behind me. So I made sure I threw my seatbelt on right away. And I come up to the light, and they're right behind me. I make a left, and They Make a Left and Light Me Up. I pull over, and this cop who was about two feet tall, thought he was like Clint Eastwood or something, and he's, what were you doing there? License and registration. He's just giving it to me. You gave that woman money. Are you a drug dealer? And he's accusing me of all this stuff, And it was really getting uncomfortable. And so I tell him, he says, he looks at my license. You live in Staten Island, New York. He says, yeah, what are you doing in Sheepshead Bay? I said, well, I just spoke at an AME, a member of Alcoholics Anonymous in Sunset Park, Brooklyn. He says hold on a second. You live In Staten Isle. You're in Sun set Park, Brooke. And now you're in Sheepshed Bay. I says I'm here to correct the wrong that I did in the past. He said get out of the car. And he wasn't hearing it. And I says, look, this is why I'm here. And this other cop who was about nine feet tall, he says, come over here. He says, is this that immense thing you guys do? I used to wear a coin that had my AA coin on it and it fell out. I said, look. It fell out, I said look, see, I'm sober. He says I got a lot of guys on the job who do that. That's my sergeant, don't talk. Just yes and no. I says, I sponsor a lot of guys on a job. The priest in this right down the road here and I go to the Sheepshead Bay Group, the Garretson Beach, I goto all these meetings. He's like, no, just don't say anything. Just be quiet. Let him do his thing. And now the van drives up, the unmarked van and there's a crowd gathering and I know I'm getting pinched for, I'm being arrested for something. And I'm a little scared now but my sponsor knows where I am and my wife knows where I am, my ex-wife so let's leave it up to God and this cop is probably illegal, he went through my back seat he's looking under the seats he opened up my trunk, probably not legal but I wasn't going to argue with him and went through My Glove Box and I'm watching this take place and I am okay because he's not going to find anything he's with all these cassette tapes that's me and my friend speaking at AA meetings he threw them away and eventually I got out of there and I drove home and then I call up Mark and I wanted to tell him a few things and I was going to call California out here and call Joe Hawk and tell him what's going on and tell them a few thing about what I just went through on this Annie Lentz nonsense but it was done and it was scary at the time but I laugh about it now Now, I've been able to make a lot of my first time out. I'm going to say in the neighborhood of 200 direct amends I made, financial restitution and things like that. But it's really important for me to show up changed. And it's Really important for Me to willing to fix the harm caused, for example, if I'm here because I stole your wallet, I'm not a wallet stealer anymore. That kind of thing. And I was a long shaman. I worked on the docks for a long time, and I borrowed a lot of money and never paid it back. I borrowed money from people that I shouldn't even be around. I used my dad's name, and they want a little bit back each week until you pay the whole thing off. And I wasn't good to have these people looking for me. And I stole anything that wasn't nailed down. I was terrible worker. I'd come in for payday and leave, that kind of thing. And when I started to get to, when I was in step nine, what I would do is I'd carry extra money on me and I'd wait. I'd get to work really early and all the truck drivers and the long shaman would meet in this little diner called the hole-in-a-wall diner. That was the nickname for it. And I would wait outside and they'd come out and heading back to the pier or getting in their truck and I would say, hey Joe, you got a minute? And they'd say, I have no money. Because they thought I was going to hit them up. No, that's not what this is about. And I would stand there eyeball to eyeball respectfully and say, listen, I have a different life today. I've gotten help for my problem and I know I've harmed you and I have money for you. I borrowed $20 but here's $40 because that $20 is not worth $20 anymore or $30, whatever it is. And they just kind of look at me. Now some of them said, oh, thank you, I appreciate it. That's okay, man, as long as you're doing good. And I would do this until I completed this amends list. And you know what happened? I can't, there was about a dozen guys when I started to do this. You see, we make amends in the world of the spirit. One-on-one doesn't always equal two. You make amens about financial restitution and relationships are clearing up. And it's like that. There's all these weird connections. And what started to happen was guys were coming up to me as I'm doing these amends. He says, where did you go for the cure? That's what they called it. One guy says, that AA place you go to. Because they didn't know much about AA. And I have a son, I have daughter, I have a nephew, I have a friend, my wife. Can you take her to this place that you got cured? And I did a lot of that work with the ladies. I told some of the women at home group, hey, come with me. This is the address. We're going to scoop up Joe's wife and take her to a meeting. And I was doing that. I became this ambassador for recovery at work. And it was contagious. I did AA. I showed up early and left late for work. And I worked with my dad for a long time. And, you know, my dad in the old time, they were at work at 530, 6 o'clock in the morning. You know, reading the paper, cutting up, smoking cigarettes, having a good time and drinking way too much coffee. And before the day started, I thought they were crazy. I got sober. I was meeting them at 6 o'clock in the morning to hang out with my old man and his friends and just have some fun before work. Well, what happened is as I'm making these amends, there was this one truck driver. This guy was like 6 foot 12. He was a monster of a man, big Irish guy. And he had that voice they could hear a block away, you know, and he was always jolly and happy. And when I was in the throes of addiction, I was doing illegal things and he didn't want to participate. And I'm 5'11". He was a good 6'6", monster of a guy. And I reamed him out. I called him names and everything. I mean, he could have picked me up and just dropped me in a hole somewhere. And he didn'T. He was quiet about it. And he was on my list. and I'm working and I hear his voice and the head said to me don't make this there's too many people around this is embarrassing so the spirit says no you got to go and so in my little outside it looked like tollbooths was my office outside I go in there I close the door I shut the lights I get on my knees God please just show me what to do here and I get up and I walk outside and I went up and I say we'll call him Joe he says Joe you got a minute for me he says yeah kid what's up And I begin the approach, and he gives me a bear hug, almost lifts me off the ground. He's, don't worry about it. He's been, I've got to tell you something. Unbeknownst to me, he and my dad grew up together. I never knew this. And he started to tell me about how he remembers my mom and dad when they were dating. They were like the hot couple in the neighborhood. And your dad dated the prettiest girl in the neighbourhood, and we were all jealous, but me and your dad go back. And we're having this conversation like two men. He said, I got to tell you something else. He says, since you've been getting better, he says, and paying off everybody, he says your old man sits in that diner every morning, does nothing but talk about his son Peter. And my dad would say my son beat it. That's how we refer to beating this disease. They knew nothing about recovery. He beat this thing. And he goes to work. He looks good. And it's my son. This kind of thing. I didn't know any of this stuff. The moral of the story is we walk the walk. That's the sermon. It's contagious. People can feel that. They can hear it. They can see it. And people who are really close to us, we become attractive to them and they want to talk about the way we want to do it. We want to tell them what we're doing. They want to take about what we are doing. It's so contagious. My younger brothers got into therapy, got into church, got into Al-Anon. they sought out their way of getting better and things were changing on at work now i'd get there early i wait for the foreman whoever's in charge say kid go home no one's here we're done for today i would do that i wanted to leave many times early when work was slow i'd hang out like an aa meeting and i'd sweep or do stuff and it was you know quarter after to five and they say go home everyone left at 4 30 and i'm still there i don't say that to brag it's just the lessons i learned here show up early and leave late and i became reliable and i even got respect in fact these were men who wanted not they don't want to touch me they want to come near me at the end they knew what i was up to and i was doing bad things and um july 14th is my belly button birthday and um i show for work one day on my birthday and i said where is everyone and i hit hey kid they're waving me over into this like i said we have these toll booths uh that we kind of worked out of and keep us warm we have a little desk in there and there's about 10 of them there there's a rough looking crew no one's really pretty and um and they call me over they call me into the booth, and they have this dilapidated cake with a wooden match as a candle. And they start to sing happy birthday to me, to wish me happy birthday. And you know, he gave me hugs and high fives and things like that. And I realized how far AA has taken me. Because I wasn't running around with a big book at work and say find the Lord. I was just showing up early and leaving late and doing the day's work. I went to work and worked. I was paying people back the money I owe them. I wasn't participating in illegal activities. They were still going on those activities, but I wasn'T partaking in any of that stuff. I can't anymore. So that stuff kind of has this ripple effect. And it'S really interesting because when I completed the last amends that I was aware of in that environment. I don't know, it was about six months later, my first hero, if you will, or one of my first heroes in AA brought me into the business. I used to go to his aftercare group and he says, you need to go school. I need to teach you. You're going to be good at this. I said, good at what? Treatment? I've been in enough treatments. No, no, no. You need to do this. And as I completed my last amends, this guy Vince D took me under his wing and that's what I've been doing for the last 30 years in the business I'm in that's been my career path so it's unbelievable how God navigates us if we listen and we're open to being changed and to be moved uh I made um my sponsor encouraged me to walk it out with my dad before I went up to him and made amends because he heard every apology known to mankind from me I'll never do it again I'm really sorry. I never did. I'm very sorry. I changed and it went like that. And it was futile. It was worthless. And he says, walk this out before you do it. That's how I would do it, and I did. And I owed him – if I hit Powerball, I'd probably still owe him a few dollars. I mean, I was into him for a lot of money. But I saved what I could. And again, another white envelope and putting money in my dresser drawer and showing up with that. One morning, I met my dad, like most mornings, for breakfast and I asked him, you got a minute for me? Can we talk? He said, of course. And I began my approach and I'm into it for like a minute and I take out this envelope money and he stopped me and he said to me something I'll never forget. He's all I ever wanted was my son back. This is a guy who would go to family group and treatment and the therapist would tell him you need to do this with your son and he pushed him right back. Don't tell me how to raise my son. You know, the clergy would tell my dad, you need to let him go. He said, don't tell him how to raise my sun. He was very strong about that. Don't talk to him. Don't call me how to raise my son because he's my son and because of Alcoholics Anonymous my dad told me you do whatever those people tell you to do he turned me if you will over to you that's how much trust he had because he saw what you guys were doing for me and when he came to my AA birthday, as he saw how you guys were walking, he totally believed in whatever we were doing here because he knew he couldn't fix me, but AA could. And that relationship changed on a dime. It was starting to change for the better and after I made amends and continued to walk this out, that relationship really turned into something. Less and less and less was I afraid of my dad and more and more was I able to have a conversation. I always respect him as a father, but it became cordial. It became more than cordial, friendly to many times my dad sitting with me the last few years of his life and telling me about his fears and his concerns and his mistakes. And it was a time where he said, I made a lot of mistakes with you. I didn't know how to rate you on my first. I didn'T know what the hell I was doing. I was too tough on you many times, too aggressive with you, I just wanted to see you do it. and we had this talk, and we add this stuff out. And through that, there was a bonding. It all came out of me sitting with my dad and showing up to clean up the wreckage of my past. I didn't have to look down and be ashamed anymore. Not proud of it, but I wasn't ashamed anymore because it is what it is. It's really important that I'm leading with the spirit now. I'm leaning with the soul, and I'm walking this out. It's easy to sound good if you get some information off all of us and drop some pearls in the meeting, But the real testament is out there. You know, homes, occupations, and affairs, a big book says. What does that really look like? An AA angel in the house devil, what does that look like ? You know , would I bring in my co-workers ? Would I bring it my wife ? Would I bringing my family to have a conversation with you guys while I'm not in the room and find out who I really am ? I'll welcome, I'll have that meeting. I'll had that meeting . But there was a time where I'm not calling that meeting. That's not going to happen. Because they know the real me, you know the fake me. But it's all the same now. And I went back to employers, a couple of them. I couldn't go to all of them, but I went to my brothers and my grandparents and I was able to little by slowly start cleaning up the wreckage of the past. Now, this is not in my time, yeah? It's not in My Way either. and uh there was a young lady i dated you know the first love and um italian family uh from from the other side very strict uh this girl was was a genius and a good girl you know we meet them once in a while and um i dated her for a few years and i went really bad and um the last time i saw a father he was working on there's a famous spot called the lancy street orchard street new york and he was a tailor in one of the the places there and uh i'm rolling through the streets and i see him i hit him up for 20 bucks he gave it to me just looked at me like what the hell happened to you. And I'm sober 20-something years at this point, and I had just gotten on social media. I didn't want to go on this Facebook thing. My boss told me you need to go on there. It's good for business, he told me. So I do it. I don't know what the hell he was talking about, but next thing I know I'm on Facebook. And one night I'm on there, and I get one of those instant messages, I think they're called. And it's this young lady. Is this Peter Marinelli from 70th Street? I says, yes, I recognize these. She said, I thought you were dead. And so we're doing this, you know, back and forth. Can I call you? I say, yes. And she says, what happened? My family still talks about it. We thought you died. Your family moved away. We really thought you were dead? What happened? And I told her the whole story. I said, I'm really glad you called because I've been praying that God would put you in my path because I need to make amends. She says, what's that? And I explained to her what amends was all about. She says oh please, we were kids, don't worry. No, no, no. I did some damage. I just need to talk to you and make amens to this. And I'm talking to her about it. She says what is alcohol? What do you have? She says you mean you can't drink? I said no, I can drink. I just can't stop. You know? And she says to me, oh my God, I knew it. It's my husband. And she explained to me our husband's behavior in drinking. She says, would you talk to him? I said, of course I would. And she said, I'm going to talk to he tonight. And she hit me up a few days later. He almost ripped the house apart. That means he's probably a real alcoholic. life you know and as the last i heard of her but that amends took about 20 something years to get in touch with her and it came accidentally there was i i was in a treatment center seven times in amityville long island and uh i i did the getaway i ran away one time i ran 100 yards the wrong way the front gate was right there i went 100 yards the wrongway and the guy who had taken us from the treatment center over to the little fitness center uh to to work out detoxing work out it's good for you we couldn't even walk and um they take 15 clients crackheads junkies winos to the gym to play basketball and the ball the team the gym guy threw the ball here let's play and we all sat there and watched the ball just bounce and it was like I'm not getting it you get it and the crackheads were still tweaking it, I'll get it I'll make my getaway and this guy was in pursuit of me and he's chasing me and he said Pete come back I didn't know he was a marathon runner he could have ran forever You know, I'm detoxing, trying to run. And I get to the gate, the wrong gate, and I'm out of breath. And he says, Pete, please come back. Don't do this. Just let us help you. And he's pleading with me. I gave him a couple of really ugly words and off I went. When I came back to treatment, they called me, they staffed me, and they said, do you realize the trouble he's in from HR? He got written up, your reliability, and just all this stuff. I really don't care. I get sober, I care. And he was on my list. And I called the hospital, and they said, he's not available, he's on vacation, he doesn't work here. Even wrote a couple of letters. I can't get in touch with this guy. My sponsor, leave it alone for now. God's time, God's way. I was working for a treatment center in Texas, and I hate marketing. I had a marketing job, but now I know why I was given a marketing job. And I'm doing the Northeast region and I went back to my alma mater, my treatment center. And I had like a two o'clock appointment and I get there. It was a long drive from where I was living in New Jersey to Long Island, New York. Really long drive. So I anticipate traffic and there's no traffic. I get down like two hours early for my appointment and I'm embarrassed. I don't want to walk in two hours early. I'll go to the diner I can't drive the car to the diner. I'm compelled to go in early, and I don't know why. I said, I'm going to look like a fool. I grabbed my duffel bag. I'm walking in two hours early for scheduled appointment. And then I realized when I got to the door why, because who's walking out is that counselor who's the gym teacher. And he remembered me. His name was John. And he says, what's going on? I told him why I'm here. and he says fabulous I've been trying to reach you for the longest time and I had this conversation with him and he was just happy I'm sober I was sober 17 years at the time it took 17 years to locate this guy and I made this amends and he gave me a big hug like we do in AA wish me well and he said I just came in today for my check I'm not here every day now but I was just here to pick up my check and I'm out of here if you would have been here a little bit later you would have missed me. I says, no wonder why. This is God just, we're going to rearrange it this way today. Peter's not on your terms. Go in early. You're goingto miss him. I could have been pigheaded, gone to the diner and said, when am I going to make this amends? He was waiting for me. Intuitiveness comes from being current. I was very current up until that point. The head tried to get in the way of intuitiveness, intuitive one. God always wins. I couldn't go to the diner. I was going to drive away. Why can't I get to the dinner? I'll go in early. Sometimes it feels like I'm standing alone. We're standing alone with the only one who's doing the work. No one else is doing the job. No one's doing their work. No one is making amends in my home group. No one talking about amends. No one talk about God. No one talks about prayer. No one goes to church. I'm standing alone, and then I look around, and I realize there's a whole army behind me doing the same thing. I'm not alone. We meet what we call in the 80s, we get into these pockets of enthusiasm and like-minded folks, and if I'm truly awake, I will cultivate that and get the naysayer to say what you're doing, I want, so I say come on in. That's my job. They don't do the book, I'm talking to them. No, I wanna attraction, not promotion. Cultivate that. I don't have to ram a big book down someone's throat. I used to do that. It's ineffective. But just talk about what God's doing for me, what AA's doing für mich, that doubting Thomas who's in enough bondage to say, can I talk to you? Can you help me? June 23rd, 1988, my dad found me standing on the street corner I don't know if I shared this the other night but I prayed to God for help please take me from this, I don' t want to die in the back of this abandoned building and later that afternoon my dad found me what I didn' t know was and my dad talked about this story often he would get very emotional from it earlier that day around 2 or 2.30 in the morning My dad was, as he called, jawed out of his sleep. And he was in Atlantic City, New Jersey with his wife and, you know, gambling and seeing some shows and just a little getaway. Around 2, 2.30 in the morning, he was jawed Out of His Sleep. And the message he got was to go find me. We hadn't seen each other for a while. I didn't see my family for a While. And as he's getting dressed, his wife woke up. She says, where are you going? He said, I'm going to find my son Petey. Where are we going to Find him? He said I don't know. I just need to go. And off we went. It's a long drive from Atlantic City to the Lower East Side of Manhattan. It's along a long trek without traffic. And he's driving through the hood looking for me. And later that day, there I am standing on a corner tore up from the floor when my dad drives up. And the first thing comes out of my mouth, he's Peter. And I said, I'm okay, Dad. I'm fine. And I'm falling apart. Not like, hey, Dad, you know, we got some money. And he got out of the car and walked across the street towards me. I can't even fathom what that must be like to see your son, firstborn. I'm an Italian-American family, first male born. That's a big thing. I was supposed to be pope or president, by the way, and wound up to be a drunken bum. And he's walking across the Street towards me, and when he got to me, I kind of went limp. I pretty much collapsed and fell into his arms. And he had his hands under my arms, holding me up. And he kept saying, I'm not going to lose my son to this over and over and over again. Fast forward, walking this out, living this way of life. Not perfect, but living it. And trying to be a son to my dad and a brother to my brothers, et cetera. It's living the amends, not just showing up, but loving it. I've been changed because of God in AA. And my dad, in his heyday, went about 6'2", strong man. Tough guy. Legit tough guy. And he dwindled to about 115 pounds at the end. And he knew it. It was killing him, the condition he was in. And he was In the hospital and he was pretty much bedridden on a wheelchair. And this was difficult to see. And I was sitting with him the last time I saw him, and we were just having a conversation. I'm trying to make light of a lot of things and trying to cheer him up. And he says to me, he was sitting in a wheelchair, Ty, would you put me in, help me get into bed? He said, I don't want to call the orderly. He was embarrassed by people helping him do that. You know, they had to get him in the showers, killing him, seeing this happening. And I said, absolutely. And it was interesting because I leaned over to get him out of the wheelchair and my hands went under his arms and I lifted him up. And I had this thought like 35 years ago, his hands were under my arms because I couldn't stand. And I was in this position to make this right and give my dad some grace and dignity. And when I did that, I said, oh my God. I think I'm doing the right thing. And I lifted him up and I got him into bed. I made some jokes about the, you know, I'll call one of the hot nurses in later on and give you a rub down. And he's just trying to take away some of the sting that I knew he was feeling. And we talked a little bit and he was falling asleep. And I let him go. I told the nurses he's going to sleep. And that was the last time I saw him. I spoke to him once on the phone a few days later, and a few days after that he had passed. And it's just interesting how this stuff plays out for us. When we're awake, we're talking about sound asleep or anti-demolition. I think I'm awake, but I'm sound asleep going through life. Awake enough to do things like that. completing amends, I get to enter the world of the spirit. As I'm cleaning up the wreckage of my past, I walk into the world or the spirit, everything's changed experientially. Some of us can talk. Many of us can talk about what it's like living in a world of spirit, what that feels like, what it sounds like, but I need to do some work before I get there. And that's cleaning up the wreckages of my past. How could I live now knowing how I lived then? How can I be present when I'm driven by the voices of the past. I can't. I can not live now in a place of ease and comfort when I know how I lived then and it is still alive. I have not cleaned that up. I have NOT made an attempt. And some of the amends in the past I could not go to because I caused more harm like going to some employee saying, hey, I stole a lot of things and implicate a lot of other people. I could NOT do that. I could Not go to some of those girlfriends and say, hey here I am because they were married now. I can't cause more harm in so doing, so what do I do? I become a good worker and I don't steal. I practice fidelity in my relationships and in AA, unless someone is lying, there's not one person could say that Pete Marinelli crossed the line with any ladies in AA. That's a fact. And, you know, sometimes they kind of saddle up to you and they bat their eyes and I need a sponsor, you know. And I say my wife is sitting right there. Go talk to Marion. She's sober 35 years. Go talk with her. I don't do that dance. I never have. And part of it I do now because that's the way God made me. But I did it for a while because I don' t want to be that guy anymore. And this is too sacred in AA for me. I'm not going to play in here. I don't play out there. I'm nicht going to spielen hier. I got just a couple of minutes here. On page, oh Lord have mercy. I'm tired, okay. Yeah, it says if we're painstaking with great care and thorough. That's painstaking. Having just checked boxes. About this phase of our development, we'll be amazed before we're halfway through. Now, we read this at a lot of meetings, but we don't even hear it anymore. We hear it so much we don'T even listen to it. We don't hear it until you're doing it. I'm going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. I thought I was free until I embark on this part of this development, this journey and realize this is freedom. I don't regret the past anymore. In fact, somehow my past has become a great asset in working with the drunk or their families. I don' t want to shut the door on it anymore. I was told, oh, forget the past, leave it in the past. No. When I tell you what it was like, I'm talking about my past. When I'm sitting with a drunk and they say, I've been doing this, I can tell them I did too. I don't want to shut the door and it becomes an avenue, it becomes a vehicle to work and help others, including families. And God has given us, given me enough where I'm not proud of it, I'm just not ashamed anymore. I'll comprehend the word serenity. I know serenety, that's how I can comprehend it. It's not some serenely, hmm, I wish I had some, what's that like? I said, what is serenity like? I know it. I understand serenety because I've tasted it. I also know the opposite of it. That's how I know. I know turmoil. I know sleepless nights. I know that really well, like a lot of us. And I step into this serenely thing. I like that. I like the effect produced by it. And it's not because I have a million dollars in the bank and I have brand-new car. I'm married to a woman I adore. I'm in a really good relationship with my brothers. I put my dad to rest with dignity. I have wonderful friends in AA. I'm squeaky clean at work. That's serenity. The only thing I don't sleep at night is in my head. I start listening to the head. I start thinking about how many years I got left to live. Oh, my God, I'm going to die. You know, that kind of thing. I start to listen to that narrative. It's never good. I'll comprehend the word serenity I will know peace in fact I recognize peace look at someone and say they're in a good place you can sense it do you ever go somewhere and you can feel a vibe whether it's a group or a town you say there's a good vibe here there's something that's right here I know it, I can sense It I can feel It, I'm awake to It last night I said there's three places I'm most comfortable and I do my best here in church and when I'm with my wife. When I'm around you guys, when I're in church with my life. I just know peace. I can feel it. I can see it. I don't know about that back row back there. I'm not so sure about those guys. Just kidding, guys. No matter how far down the scale I've gone, I will see how my experience can benefit others. The feeling of uselessness will disappear and self-disappear. God's put me to work. I'm no more self-pity I'm working with others I'm getting out of my own way I'm of service I have a servant's heart God's given me a servant'S heart I'm charitable there's no pit stops for self- pity I'm not useless I get to my meeting maybe an hour early and set up I stay half hour late and break down I'm a greeter I'm the chairing I'm speaking whatever I'm doing my group is waiting for me to show up and tomorrow night we're going here and Saturday we're gonna go there. I'm not useless. I'm on page 52 anymore. In fact, I'm walking in the sunlight of the spirit because I'm cleaning up the wreckage of my past. It's unbelievable what happens to folks. We speak to folks who are making amends or have made amends, completed amends and folks who was not in amends. It's two different walks. I wanna know God, clean up the wreckage of our past. How could I get to experience God when I'm weighed down by my misdeeds of the past. There's a huge weight on my back. I can't float. It says that feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. I will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in my fellows. We talk about that on page 63, way back on 63 we're talking about this. It's come to fruition here. Self-seeking will slip away. It's not about me. I don't need to be the big guy on campus in the AA I give respect, I get respect good enough my whole attitude and outlook upon life will change and it isn't for the worse it's for the better it's unbelievable how and I'm a half glass empty guy that's me it's half empty I need a whole glass AA has given me some new eyes to be grateful for a half a glass I still want a whole one I still want I want to be plentiful in everything but I walk away grateful for what I have and get to sleep at night that way fear of people and economic insecurity relieve us not because we're rich and have an abundance of money some of us get rich but economic insecurity that fear keeps me up at night little by slowly starts to go away now I'll confess with you Money, God has kept money like money, money away from me. I've made a living. And there were times where I've had a really tough time because the bank account was anemic. It's been like that. And there have been times where I'm up at night saying, how am I going to pay the rent? You know, what class in AA did I miss when they handed out the brochure on how to be rich? I missed that topic meeting at home group that night I don't know what to do, I'm working like a dog and I can't get even and now I can' t pit around I've had those and after I worry and after i drive myself insane it's on bended knees God please, my life is yours just tell me what to d and I gain strength from God all men of faith have courage and in that place I need to have courage to have faith scripture says be strong and courageous they don't necessarily mean strong where i could bench press 300 pounds strong in here and courageous because sometimes life's going to come at us and i need god go to god to make me strong and outrageous some of us have you know Sometimes we get this great intuitiveness that we're awakened to something. Or maybe we have a meditation and something burst upon us, this vision of some clarity. We hear God talking to us. That kind of big stuff we're going to need for something big that's about to happen. And not necessarily bad stuff. It could be something good. and God's getting us prepped for this thing he's about to do for us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. What a tremendous promise. I interpret that most of the time. I'm not afraid of life anymore. We will intuitively know in here, because I'm current, how to hand the situations that at one time I didn't know what to do. And sometimes I handle it by calling up a sponsor or an AMM and say, what do you think I should do about this? It's so simple. Pete, you don't like that. Do this. Oh yeah, thanks for calling. Have a nice day. It's just so simple and sometimes it just comes to us. One more story and I'll get out of here. I was living in Boca Raton for a long time And I had my company a few towns over. And I got an offer to merge with this other company. And at the same time, this huge company wanted me to come on board with them in Tampa. One means I stay local. The other one means I move from South Florida up to Tampa. And my wife and I, you know, the numbers were okay. They weren't out of, you knows, crazy, but attractive. And so we went up to Tampa, not once, twice, three times. We spent some time on their property, met everyone, looked around for housing, where we're going to live, and we're doing this thing. At the same time, I got folks where I live throwing me these, you know, how about this contract? How about that contract? We don't know what to do. It was baffling. And my wife and I are moving to Tampa every hour. We're moving to Temple. We're going take the deal. No, we're gonna go back home. No, we're going to move to Tampa. We're going on for like two or three days. And we're in the hotel room and we're exhausted. Let's move to Tap. It's going to be great. Ten minutes, I don't want to move to Tampa, let's stay home. The two of us looked at each other and said, we haven't prayed about this. It was like, okay. So the two of get on our knees, we're holding hands, we were praying and Marianne's leading prayer. And when we got up, I says, Marianne, we are going to do nothing. We're not calling anybody back. We're going to see what God brings to us. Let's just listen. And we drove home. Over the following week, one company, everything they were telling me started to change. The numbers changed, my position changed, the merger changed. I said, I'm glad I can go to Tampa. now I did merge with another company that I walked away from because it didn't turn out to be good boat deals were not good but what I did with Marion was turn into God and ask God what do I do I'm really glad that if I move to Tampa and that deal exploded what do i do now I just bought property up here or I'm renting up here it's like a four hour drive from where all my tribe is and I stood local and now my company's doing fine. We're freestanding, autonomous if you will. Intuitiveness comes from being current. I get that from God and life doesn't baffle me all the time. So I chop wood and carry water. As of right now, I mean the night is young but as of right know Now, I can't tell you that I have outstanding amends that I should be making and I haven't. That doesn't make me better than anyone. It's just where I'm at. I can'T think of an amends. You know, I got one that I need to go do this. It doesn't. Now, Iím about to go through the steps again and something might show up. I donít know. But as of tonight, Iím someone whoís free. free of my past. It makes prayer a lot different. It makes personal relationships with others a lot difference. It just makes life different. I travel light rather than heavy. So, I think I'm out of time. Where is he? Great speaker back there is coming up in a little while. I think that's him back there. And so, I'm going to get out of here and I'll see you guys in the morning. Thank you so much. We hope you enjoyed this recording. If you are interested in other speaker tapes or CDs from AA or Al-Anon, please contact us at Sound Solutions, toll free 1-877-893-2777 or visit us on the web at soundsolutionsrecording.com We are also available to cover your recording and sound system needs. Thank you for allowing us to be of service and carrying the message. Thank you.