Twelve Step Workshop – Part 1 of 6 – 2024 – Peter M.

My ex-wife told me, clean up, pack up, and get out. Okay, good morning. My name is Peter, Recovered Alcoholic. And thank you for the weekend again. It's been pretty cool. I'm not a big fan of doing the gender weekends. usually at these things there's a lot of testosterone I've done a bunch of them over the years and I've walked into some of them and it was who's the baddest who'sthe toughest a lotof clicks it's difficult to navigate through that we get away from the wives and no one's really interested in the information. You just want to hang out. And, oh yeah, and there's a meeting about the steps in the meantime. So you can feel that kind of vibe when you're a part of that. So this has been quite refreshing for me. So I thank you for that. Pretty much everything I've been sharing, moved to share, is about where we're going to land in this morning. all of that heavy lifting is about getting to a place and living in what we like to talk about the world of the spirit not driven by obsessions, compulsions and emotions anymore I mean they're going to show up now and again the emotion stuff but a traveling light almost transcending can't transcend alcoholism but transcend this worldly stuff that can really weigh us down I flicked on the news last night I lasted about 10 seconds nothing's good and if you get into that it's like 5 minutes of that and you're ready to go postal on people so we get to get past all of that living in the world of the spirit and I have found what the 12 and 12 talks about is very true that more dependence upon God gives me a more independent life, I travel light there's space between me and my mind now there's an odd that got totally in one of his uh talks i um somewhere in scotland i think he was doing it he said something like you don't need your mind ever which just sounds radical it's almost like now the mind is trying to figure out why don't you need me you definitely need me but uh he he goes out that far so you don' t need your mind not if you're living in the world of the spirit not if you're relying on intuitiveness not if you're lying upon god that's the best gauge we have the best gps we have there's a it's difficult though because i'm getting bombarded with thoughts all day long from the time we wake up time we go to sleep um it's a flow of thinking and if i get caught up in that thought life that becomes more important than anything I'm paying close attention to the narratives, and that sets me up for how I'm going to feel and how I'M GOING TO SEE AND HOW I'M GONNA SPEAK. AND WHAT BEGINS TO HAPPEN IS, I HEARD THIS PASTOR TALK ABOUT IT, OUR LIVENESS IS NOW DEADENED BECAUSE OF IT, BECAUSEM SO BOGGED DOWN WITH THE NARRATIVES IN THE HEAD. What's interesting about most stuff that comes through the head is on Monday, it's oh my God, oh my god, I can't believe this and I'm trying to figure my way out. And fast forward the following week, I don't remember what I was all bogged down about. It's like an afterthought. Oh yeah, I was upset about that. It turned out to be nothing. And then the next one comes along and I ride that one and I rid that one. And we get thousands of thoughts a day and wonder why we're not okay but we're always exhausted. And so as I'm cleaning up the wreckage of my past, we get to do something that's pretty incredible. And I'm just going to fast forward through the 10th step for a moment and then maybe back up. Forgive me for being so bold here, but we read how it works at a lot of meetings. I'm in South Florida. Yuzi opens up, and here's Joe to read how It Works. I have to friend to read How It Works, and you read How it Works, and you read the whole thing. We hear it so often that many of us are not even listening to it anymore. It's like when you walk into a meeting and there's steps and traditions, you don't even see them because they're at every meeting. And so lots of times people are talking, getting up and coming in with their coffee or still texting on their phone or, you know, a little chat in the background and halfway through how it works, people are tuned into the meeting but you're just waiting for a tank because I want to hear the speaker. How it works is in the way. Having said that, I always think about a new guy or a lady who's sitting in there and just coming off a drunk and can't get to a detox or can't get to a treatment center or maybe they just got out of one but the drink is right here and they're holding on to the chair for dear life and this meeting say ends at eight o'clock tonight and they don't know what they're going to do from nine o' clock till the next morning I gotta drink, I can't drink, I wanna drink, I can drink, I gotta do this thing. When is this going to end? When is the thing, bless you, when is this thing gonna get off my back? When am I gonna be like the old timers in the back who never talk about drinking? It's not a part of their life anymore. When is it gonna happen to me? And we're reading how it works which is important how it looks and we kind of lay out what is ahead but if I was the mayor of AA I would if we read this especially to new people at a beginners meeting maybe what the 10th step promises us so I got this guy or this woman sitting there and they're romancing the drink but they know they gotta get away from it it's killing them when is this thing gonna leave when's it gonna end and we read these and we've ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol so when I get sober not only is the drink on me, but there's a lot of turmoil in the head. I got a lot of old resentments and anger towards people, and the future was I'm going to get them. And sometimes we can be an alcoholic synonymous, double-digit sobriety, and inwardly, usually it's more inwardly than outwardly, we're wrestling with people. I talked about that, I think, on Friday or yesterday morning, the tension we have towards people. I'm wrestling with people I'm wrestling with political stuff I'm wrestling with this activist group I'm wrestling with the big books I'm wrestling with a non-big book is all of it there's a lot of tension going on I'm fighting with them in my head I got the scenarios and in those scenarios I'm always like like dirty Harry always win I always have to write come back I throw the punch that flattens a guy I never get beat up in those and that you know And I'm doing this, and then they walk into a meeting and they ask me how I'm going, and I tell you how wonderful and serene I am. But it tells me, it promised me, I cease fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol, for by this time sanity will have returned. And back in step two, we were coming to believe that a power of God in ourself could restore us to sanity, and now we're in places he has. We're experiencing that promise. They've delivered the package. this is what we signed up for for by this time sanity will have returned and quite frankly my experience has been this they're talking about alcohol here but depending on how deep I'm going to go how immersed I am going to be in God a lot of those other areas in my life where the insane thinking's coming back again about certain areas whether it be money or sex or relationships, that puts me in a position of chality safe and protected as well. I'm not hurting myself or hurting anyone else, quite frankly. I'm right with God here. It's the world of the Spirit. And the world that the Spirit does is not logical. It's like one plus one equals two here. It's a different operation. We're on a God plane. Okay. I will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, I recoil from it as from a hot flame and I react sanely and normally. And we find that this has happened automatically, which means it's just part of the package. I don't have to think the drink through, play the tape again, keep agreement, remember where I come from. I take a detox commitment because I want to be of service, not what I've heard some people say to keep it green. So I can see them suffering and I walk out with gratitude. That's pretty selfish, pretty icky. i will see that my new attitude to a lick has been given to me without any thought or effort on my part it just comes it's part of living in a world of the spirit it just comes that's the miracle of it i'm not fighting it neither am i avoiding temptation i feel as though i've been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected i've not even sworn off. I haven't made a pledge. I haven't had to do any of that stuff. Instead, and here's the place called recovered, the problem has been removed and they go on to say after that it does not exist for us. Now that doesn't mean that my truth that I'm alcoholic, which I will be alcoholic till God takes me home, is removed also. But this thing that has plagued me, my mind takes me back to that which is killing me, is removed. I got a God shield between me and that. Now, that guy, that thing's gone dormant a day at a time. And God keeps it that way. So I'm sitting here perhaps with a new guy who's rocking and rolling saying, here's what you're in for. Do you want to sign up? And for me, it always made more sense to do that first with the new guy before how it works. And that's just my flavor. You know, you like chocolate, he likes strawberry. It's just my flavor that when I'll sit with a new guy who's like this and he doesn't know when am I going to get better, I'll read this to him. This is what you're in for. There's a lot of work in front of that, but this is where we're at. This is how Joe and Mary the old-timers are here 40 years and they're not thinking about drinking and they'RE packing into the stream of life. And they can go to parties where liquor is being served and be fine with it. but there's a hook it says later on this is how I react as long as I keep in fit spiritual condition what am I doing to keep in fit spiritual condition we've been bothered with commercials about vanity I don't know how the ladies do it I tell my wife I don' t know how you guys do it because it's constant maintenance trying to keep up with folks bombarded with commercials about what car you drive investing your money getting the right body, getting the right clothes, getting the right jewelry I mean it just goes on and on and on and you have to look 25 in fit when you're 80 or you've blown it and we make a lot of us make great efforts to do that especially the youngins when they come in And when you're like 25 and 30, you're into that. You want to get to the gym. And I get all of that. And in South Florida with a lot of rehabs, they don't drink and go to the gym. That's what they do. And it's about looking good all the time and getting the tan and getting the fake teeth and getting those porcelain things. And now they're taking this drug that makes you lose weight. It's really for another thing. I forget what it's called. And I'm watching people just, they were 200 pounds overweight. They look like a model. What are they? And now they're taking this drug to help you lose weight. Everyone's lean. Point is, we can pay, I can pay a ton of attention to that and almost no attention to the soul. I always had it backwards. Common sense becomes uncommon sense. My focus should be on the soul I could do those. Go to the gym is great. Taking care of her body. wanting to dress nice and look good and take care of my teeth those are all important things but they should not be first and the soul is like fifth on the list it should be soul first and I have found that when I'm paying attention to the soul and I'm working out in the AA gym and I've got some really good soul muscles because I'm getting good soul food it's another thing we want to eat real good put good stuff in my body while I'm watching pornography and trying to be spiritual in an AA meeting. I'm starving my soul. So if I'm paying attention to my soul, really doing a good job with that, which comes down to a surrender to God's will every day, a lot of that stuff out there loses its impact. It loses its pull. The attachment kind of loosens its grip on me, and that's why I get to travel light. My wife has me doing CrossFit with her. I like to work out in the gym. always been pretty active. The older I get, I find I need to be more active, and I try to watch what I eat, and pay attention to that. I have vanity. I like getting a haircut once a month. I like getting the manicure. I liked being clean-shaven. I'd like to get my clothes really clean. I'm a little OCD with that stuff. My closet has white shirts and blue shirts, and I do that. It's just me. That's cool, that's fine, but it doesn't come before prayer. it doesn't come before meditation, it doesn' t come before a meeting it just doesn't because I'm in a place of this comes first and this is without getting into this for my belief is eternal I'll pass one day but this will live on for eternity and that's what I'm going to be walking with what am I doing about it right now because I can say tomorrow, tomorrow tomorrow and then tomorrow is today and it's too late I'm about to take my last breath and tell I got to go to work before I pass got to do the steps again I need to make amends it's way too late time's up and that day could be in an hour from now could be a month from now what am I doing right now I remember my sponsor called me up one time and he said to me, it was like 5.30, 6 o'clock in the morning and he used to call me money. He's money, what's shaking? I don't know, it's 5. 30 in the moring, I have nothing. And I realized later on, he was a 4 a.m. guy and he would do an hour meditation so he was calling me all lathered up. He was just in the thing and he was just he would call me up and he asked me one morning And Mark had a loud voice, kind of baritone-ish almost. And he would say, what are you doing about the dash? I don't know. What's a dash? You know, I give up. He said, what're you doing to me? What are you talking about the Dash? What are we doing about The Dash? And I says, Mark, I don' t know, what's a Dash? And he explained to me what he meant by that. Because I was brought up with all very rigid sponsors about the 10 and 11 work and writing out inventory and all of that. And he says, the dash, he says if you go to a cemetery there's a headstone and on the headstone has a person's name. And then there's one date, the day God brought them here and there's another date,the day God took them home and right in the middle is a two inch dash, that was their life. What are you doing about the dash? And it made me think, you know, what am I getting caught up in and squandering hours that may have been worthwhile over nonsense because Joe didn't cover the topic at home group? Or there was no coffee. They forgot to buy coffee, and I had to go out to Starbucks. I had go to Dunkin' Donuts and bring a coffee in because they didn't have my coffee. Or my car is, you now, a few years old, and I would like a new car, and that's got me obsessed. i'm not a millionaire yet oh i'm an alcoholic i'm not a billionaire yet because we know millions and we get caught up in that and what about the dash there's a great song i i think it i think it was carol king who sang it and there's a line in there and she says these are the good old days the great powerful line these are the good old days it made me think one time about living in the dash right now right here I'll reminisce about this one day and it could be remember that time oh my God it was so much fun or I don't want to talk about it but right now is really all I got so this is how I react as long as I keep in fit spiritual condition now here's the hook it's easy to let up on a spiritual program of action and rest on my laurels my accomplishments of yesterday I'm headed for trouble if I do Here's the warning. For alcohol is a subtle foe. Now, I didn't know what subtle meant and I didn' t know what foe meant and when I looked up in a dictionary, subtle is sly, clever, devious and difficult to detect and foe was my personal enemy. That's alcoholism. It's going to lay around and wait and encourage me to do unspiritual things and one day it shows up and I can't even see it coming. I'm headed for trouble if I do for alcohol is such a subtle thing and I'm not cured of alcoholism what I have is a daily reprieve a stay of execution, contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Not to maintain, not to stay stagnant, but maintain caring of the soul. I maintain my car. I put new tires on it. I get the oil changed. I get it washed regularly. That kind of stuff, it doesn't, just don't look at it, just don' t even touch it, but there's my car, I'm going to maintain it, it's going to stay right there. no, that doesn't work that way God hired me to get out there and do stuff but while I'm doing it I need to care for the soul soul food is my favorite word what am I doing to get my soul food am I cultivating faithfulness am I cultivating this message am I hanging around folks who like to talk about God who liketo talk about recovery who likeo talk about this book who are members of Good Standing and Alcoholics who love AA I, you know, sometimes newcomers think I'm loony when I tell them I don't have a life. There's something in the scriptures that says if I try to find my life, I will lose it. If I lose it for his sake, I won't find it. I don'T HAVE A LIFE. My life belongs to God and to Alcoholics Anonymous and because of that, I have a really full and abundant life. i'm right around 40 weekends this year doing this oh my wife is speaking about half of that and a lot of them we're together we work we have a whole fellowship around us i don't have the perfect life i'm not you know i have i'm Not on easy street financially or anything like that but we have A really full and abundant life when members of our church i mean it's unbelievable sometimes in our house marion's got her girls calling her and i got my guys call me it looks like a phone room and we couldn't have it any other way. And in that, we have time for ourself as well. And when I got here, I had nothing going on. I was trying to have stuff go on. I'm going to make my way. I'm gonna scratch and claw to the top of the AA echelon and be like the CEO of AA one day or something. No. I gave everything to God. And a lot of claw marks were left in that, by the way. I'll be honest with you. You don't want this, God, right? You don' t like this. You really want this too? Try to hold on a little bit. But the less of me, the more God. The more God, less of Me. And when there's less of ME, I'm doing all right. Not that I don't care about myself. Not that I'm apathetic about things or I bury my head in the sand. But what happens is my experience has been living in that light. We're more passionate, but we see things clearer a lot more endurance a lot more enthusiasm and there's been times over 35 years i've walked to a meeting and been bored i was at a meeting um two weeks ago uh it was a big book meeting and the two people were sharing i knew they didn't know the book at all they were reading working with others and i don't know what they were talking about and the meeting had like a there was a lull in the hall. It was just a weird night at this meeting. It's usually a really good big book meeting, and I found myself bored, and I'm looking at the clock. The meeting ends at 830. Come on, 830, I want to go home. It goes like that, and that little voice says, what are you doing? There's about eight light chippers in this meeting, brand new people. This meeting is not for you tonight. This meaning is when it ends to go over there. You know what? Meeting ends. I always thank the speakers. Maybe they're having an off night. Maybe they were new in the book. Whatever it was, it was just a strange night at this meeting, which is usually a lot of enthusiasm. And I went over to those guys. I didn't get to everyone. I went to a couple of them. We talked, exchanged numbers. Let them know I'm available for sponsorship, and I let them know where my home group is on Thursday night. you know I walked out of that meeting like alright I was able to pack into the stream of life it wasn't about me but I've been to meetings where I just find myself bored sometimes I've be home in my house sometimes just feeling a little bored now there was a time when that would happen oh my god I'm not spiritual I need to be doing something no there's sometimes life the ebb and flow of life is like that I just don't roll down that rabbit hole anymore alright I'm a little flat today and my body's, my back is I have not a good back. My back ain't so good today. I'm not going to let that affect me completely. I was sitting in a house one time with Mark Houston and he had a bad back. Super duper athlete, chain smoker and a bad back. None of it made sense. And his back, he threw his back out. He was in a lot of pain. I've thrown my back out, I know what that's like. And he said to me, money, he said, my bag is out but I'm okay. This is not going to affect the rest of my day because my back is out. Life is way too short. So I'll deal with this. I'm just limited in getting around for the next few days. And that was a lesson I learned because if you're like me with an alcoholic, if I have a headache, you have to have one too or have pity on me and I will take all of you hostage. Pete's got a headache. It's like that. Okay. So, just some prayers here. Every day is a day I must carry the vision of God's will into all my activities. I did it this morning. Father, show me how to carry your will into what I do today. I was going to be here this morning and I did it before I got always, any conference I'm going to there's a term for this, I pray for everyone attending that conference. Open mind, open hearts that they get what they came for, and they get there safe and get home safe. I've done that all the time. And while I'm at the conference in my morning prayer, I'll continue that prayer until I go home. I've been doing that since I was a kid. I've not done that since then here. But I'm headed to the airport. That could be Looney Tunes. And I don't get home till tomorrow. So I'm praying for anyone I come in contact with to bless them. And that I carry your spirit into the airport, into the boarding and into getting on the plane and the guy who wants to fit his Volkswagen in the overhead compartment, I'm going to pray for him too. Have you ever seen these people? I'm looking at it, buddy, it don't fit. And they're ramming it in and they take your luggage and throw it on the floor and put theirs in, they sit down, everything's cool. Every day is a day I must carry the vision of God's will into all my activities. How can I serve you, God? Your will, not mine, be done. That's a constant. Here's what we used to do. Turn in. I still do it. Turn in in order to go out. I turn in in ordered to go out. I turn it in in the order to get out. I turn into in order to go without. If I don't turn in, I will go without throughout the day. Conscious contact and constant contact with God. None of us do it perfect but that's how I'm operating out of the soul rather than operating out of self-will or self-reliance or fear, et cetera. So turning in in order to go about. God, what do I do here? Okay, God, give me patience. God, show me what to say. Say nothing. Sometimes saying nothing is more powerful than a whole bunch of words. Show me how to be forgiving here. How can I best serve you? Your will not mine be done. And then it tells me this. These are thoughts which must, there's a command which must go with me constantly, not when it's convenient. Then they talk about exercising my will along this line all we wish. There's an interesting topic, God's will, our will, proper use of the will. What does all that mean? Proper use of a will. I'm aligned with God and I'm going to do everything God asked me to do and throw all my strength into it for God's glory and to help somebody. So I'm doing a fifth step. Better yet, I'm giving a 12-step call. And I got some beat-up alcoholic who's not clean. It's kind of icky. hasn't had a shower in a while, and he reeks of alcohol and he's drunk. And I get the call, hey Pete, meet me, we got a 12, we got to corker, let's go. And I show up, proper unison will, I'm going to do everything I can. I've lied to drunks, they got dancing girls at the detox, let's come on, you know. The tennis court, yeah, they've got a few, let us go. Get them off the ledge, I don't care. If somebody's on a ledge ready to jump, I don't care what I've got to do to get them off. And if they break an arm in the process, that's fine. That'll heal. But you're not jumping. So I'll throw everything I have at that drunk to get him to safe haven. Proper use of the will. If my wife has said, I will throw everything I have to help her get through that. Her sister's going through chemo right now. So my wife is kind of like, it's difficult for her. She's very close to her sister. And sometimes she gets off the phone and she breaks down and cries. My job is to be there, proper use of the will. Everything gets on hold right now, and I need to be that. Or sometimes after the meeting and I want to get home and there's a drunk who's in rough shape, I throw everything I can at that. My will is, can you handle this for me? I got an appointment. My will is I'm going to look good when this is over. I'm gonna tell everybody what I'm doing. My will is all about me. God's will is all around me. It's all about God and taking care of his kids. That's why he hired me, if I could be so bold, why he fired us. We got hired. It's called Alcoholics Anonymous. Go to work for God. We're his hands and feet. It said earlier in the third step, we're agents for God, we're representing him. And what I do is I get the tool belt is now loaded in 10 and 11. I've accessed that power. I've tapped into this. There's a current running. My sponsor says, we're the pipe though, not the well. But it's flowing. And I can take all of that wherever I go. I remember one time I was headed to Connecticut and I had a talk to do in Connecticut and it was a one-day event and I was flying in that morning, hitting the podium that night and flying home the next day. And I get to the airport and something happened with the plane. They switched planes and people lost their flights. It was madness. And I realized I'm probably not going to make this meeting tonight. I was on a small window to get there. And people were going nuts, going up to the desk. I got to get to Connecticut. And they're just, you know, usual stuff at airports. And this poor woman's behind and she's trying to give different flights and she is clicking away and looking up. And it was my turn. I said, are you okay? And she kind of looked up. She says, it's crazy today. They want to kill me. They're blaming me for the plane. but I said, it's okay, take your time. I had a flight to Connecticut and she said, let me see what I can do. She says, would a 12 o'clock flight be okay for you? It's about a two and a half hour. I said yeah, that's fine. She said, I'll give you a $500 voucher for future plane use. Have a nice day. Boom. I could have been one of those knuckleheads not carrying the vision of God's will into all my activities and I got to get to Connecticut, damn it, and get me on a plane. Not worth doing. That's not her fault. I'd rather travel that way than another way where I'm an AA angel and I get out of here and I don't look like that guy anymore. Proper use of the will. Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, direction from him who has all knowledge and power. If I've carefully followed directions, well, if I had a sponsor who's in this book, chances are I'd follow directions. Back to step one, that kind of desperation. will continue. This work will drive me further into step one, hopefully not away from step one. And if I have someone who's working with me as a sponsor who's a 10 and 11 person, chances are they're going to hold me accountable as to where's my inventory. We call them 10 steps. Some people don't. I'm just going to share what we did. We wrote out a 10 step, by the way. A lot of people don'T, and I'm not here to flip anyone. but my first sponsor up until uh my last sponsor every one of them would say where's your 10 step which meant I was writing about my resentments and fears that I was experiencing through the day when we study our book we'll see 10 and 11 kind of crisscross here and there 10 is about going around through today but 11 talks about when agitated or doubtful and the reason why I'm agitated and doubtful because I'm trying to get my hands on life again and I'm getting frustrated So I have to pause. But we wrote out inventory, and if you don't, that's your walk. And I would have times to call up and say, where's your inventory? Where are your 10 steps? Did you write a 10 step about that? And there's some instructions what I was supposed to do. We also talk about in the 10 step, discuss it with someone immediately. If I have that resentment, who am I talking to? So what we were set up was the sponsor, and we had two immediately guys. We would give spiritual consent to, hey, if I have an inventory, can I call you? Even though you don't sponsor me, but we're AA buds. And he would say, yeah, I'm going to read you the inventory. And I'd call up and say, hey Joe, I've got an inventory. I'm hooked. Can you hear this? Resentment calls and so on. And discuss it with someone. But the first thing we're supposed to do in step 10 it talks about is God at once. The first move. Discuss it with someone immediately. Make amends if I've harmed anyone. Help other people, love and talents of others is our code. My wife and I worked together for a long time and she had this woman's program and I was running this men's program And the gentleman we worked for was a real male chauvinist. He was just not a good guy, just really bad towards women. And a narcissist, textbook narcissist, by the way. And I walked into the office one day, and I was dating my wife at the time, and she was crying. I said, what's going on? She said, I don't want to talk about it. I said what do you mean I don' t want to talking about it? What's going o n? What's happening? She says, you promise you won't get mad. You know when wives do that, promise you won't go mad? Then she tells you to go into the garage and look for the shotgun. You know, you're going after someone. And she told me how our boss got really, really ugly with her. And in an instant I was going to go Brooklyn. I actually turned into my dad. I could feel him like you know rolling around in my head and I was gonna seek vengeance and I said I'm gonna I'm definitely getting fired within the next hour I'm going to get fired and I might wind up getting locked up over this but I'm doing it I got to defend my honor and hers as well so I got the whole scenario going on and I says wait here I'll be right back and she's she's crying even louder now. Don't just, I wait here. And so now I think I'm a tough guy. Big shot. And I get into my car and I'm going to his office. And God has a way of ruining everything. Because I got this little, you know that little voice? What are you doing? And it kind of, and I start to now play out, what am I doing? And so what do you do? Call your sponsor. My sponsor was a gentleman out of Colorado at the time, Mickey Musset. And I said, Mickey, and I'm talking 100 miles an hour, you got a minute for an inventory? He said, what's going on? And it's just rolling out, and a lot of F-bombs are coming out. And he says, slow down, let's pray. I took a breath. He prayed with me over the phone. He said okay, let'S do a 10 step. he says tell me who you're resentful with and i said we'll call the guy joe joe why and i told him exactly why he's where do you think he was self-dishonest and frightened here because that's a 10 step ask us those three pieces i swear am i selfish well mick you know what he did he says where are you selfish dishonest and frank let's talk about this and he walked me through that He says, I'm not saying what this guy did is right. He was probably wrong, dead wrong. But you're going to attempt to beat him up. Shouldn't you be in the office with Mary and consoling her right now? Isn't that your place? And he says, Peter, you've been talking about resigning from this position, both of you, and starting your own company for the longest time. Maybe God gave you a message. Maybe it's time. I says, God had a root in it. I was ready to go like big tough guy. I was in Tony Soprano mode and I walked back in the office and I sat with my wife. I made us a cup of coffee and I consoled my wife and she calmed down and I realized it's time for us to resign. The company had gone sideways and it was just getting ugly and it wasn't going to work. It was like, it was a treatment center but most of the staff was sicker than the clients so it was time to go and I sent in my resignation letter a couple weeks later And I walked out with grace and dignity. Now, what if I'm not in the world of the Spirit? And that invitation from God, like, what are you doing, would have gone right past me. Now, I don't know if I would have really drove all the way there and had some words. I'm Not a Violent Guy anyway, but anything's possible. Why? We resigned, started our own company. Helped a lot of people. Started a non-profit. A lot of people like non-profits. They're helping us help other people in the world of the Spirit. I travel light as I'm doing. So I would write out these 10. I still do. And at night, you know, the nightly review, I found if I'm keeping time with what's going on during the day, my nightly review stuff, those questions in the 11th step there's not much to do as far as I screwed this up and I screwed that up there's a lot less to do but it is a review and it brings me to step 11 one of the first practices I've sponsored enough people to find that goes off the cliff, that's not even a practice anymore is meditation, especially or even prayer at night. It's thank you, God. And we don't have to get into a two-hour prayer thing at night because a lot of us work and we're tired. God gets that, yeah? But I learned a long time ago, and I'm home on a couple of nights a week, my wife and I are home. It's been Tuesday nights. We've been home on Tuesday nights, I have a lot o' sponsees call, she has her girls call, and that might turn into a Wednesday night. We kind of float around like that. But I'm home Tuesdays, and my last call ends at around 9.15 with my sponsees. So my night's done. My day's completed, basically. So I'll go in my little prayer room, and I'll do this 11th step. Because what I used to do is get into bed, watch a little TV, and now it's like 11.30, and those are often, oh, I've got to go pray, meditate. It's not going to happen. So when I retire at night, it could be maybe 8, 9 o'clock. On Tuesdays around 9, 9, 15 or so. It's like that. I'll get to the hotel later today and I fly out tomorrow. So I'll be just hanging out. So probably around 7 o' clock I'll do this prayer. I'm exhausted. I'll probably sleep through the night. I'm not going to wait until 11 o' lock at night. You see what I'm saying? God doesn't make too hard terms to those who seek him. So I, on awakening, this has changed. It has evolved a whole bunch for me over the years. At the beginning, the first time I went to meditate, I realized two minutes is far too long and too dedicated. This is a long time to sit in meditation for two minutes. when i went quiet and had someone teach me with posture and breath for meditation i realized i woke up to the amount of noise in my head that i'm walking with all the time when i try to go quiet it's that air conditioner that's on that's really loud and you just talk over it or the tv that's on when you're on the phone and it's really louder you talk over and you say hey shut that off you You go, whew, that was loud. But there's motorcycles out here. When you guys fire those things up, it's going to get really loud, right? And we'll be watching and they're really pretty to look at and we'll talk a little louder than you guys will drive away and they'll go, oh my God, it got awfully quiet. We don't have to shout. That's what I'm walking around in my head when the first time I went into meditation. Wow, it was really loud in there and a lot of distractions. So it's practice. And sometimes I still get distracted. And sometimes there's still noise in there. But overall, it's a different experience doing meditation because I do meditation. It's part of working out. You know, I'll bust my butt in CrossFit where I'm gasping for air because I like the effect produced by it. I can't spend a few minutes working out on the soul. It's nonsense. There was a time I got into with prayer and meditation reading daily reflections 24 hours a day upper room you know meditation if you're from brooklyn it was a blank book there was nothing in it but i'm bummed that was a joke um okay a little slow on the jokes this morning um and i read all this stuff and then i got into burning sage And then I got into the candles. And then I got into the meditation music. So I'm burning sage, I'm lighting candles, I get all, I get the electric light orchestra doing a concert in front of me. And oh, the sage is not burning quick enough, it's too, the house is going to go on fire. Oh, the candles, I get new, new candles, the music, I don't like this song, flick it to the next song and I'm working the CD player and I try to go om through the whole thing. And one day I realized this is crazy. I'm an idol worshiper. Got to read all this stuff. Got to do all this. I stopped. That took a while. I still like to burn sage once in a while in my house. But what I created, and I got this from a sponsor, in my home is a place where I sit and meditate. And I have what I call a little altar. It's about so high. I have a meditation mat. I'm a Catholic, so I've got a lot of stuff like that on there. I have some special trinkets that AAs have given me over the years, little gifts. You know, a coin, a plaque or something that was important to me. And it's all out there. I have something called rosary beads there and a lot of neat stuff. And that's the place we go to to pray and to meditate in the morning and in the evening and sometimes during the day. It's the safe place. And there's an energy, you can feel it when you have a place that you pray at regularly. And so what I do now in the morning is I open up with prayers and I cannot command the Spirit to do anything no matter how hard I pray. But what the prayers do for me is send to me to listen to what God wants me to do. Having said that, most of my prayers are for other people. And I'm not a great guy. I'm no trying to give you that impression. I'm just an alcoholic trying to get better. But God kind of shifts things on me. I've been praying for my sister-in-law. I've be praying for the people who are working on her, too, the doctors and the nurses and all of them, that they have a good day. My brother has Parkinson's. I've being praying for him repeatedly. And everyone is tending to him. I have my younger brother has some mental health stuff. Two Thanksgivings ago, we thought we had to commit him. He came off all his medication on his own, and he crashed and burned. He's got severe bipolar. He fires wonderfully when he's on his meds, and they get them regularly. He's doing wonderful. But two Thanksgivings ago, it was frightening as heck he was talking to himself. He was having delusions. My other brother said, we've got to take him somewhere right now. And I know a lot of AAs who are doctors and nurses, and I called them. I said, I need help. What do I do with my brother? So I pray for them. I pray for the suffering in the world. There's a lot of suffering in our country right now. We're at odds over everything. There's hate. It's spiritual warfare, my humble opinion what's going on on the planet right now If I can be so bold, get the right politician, that's going to help Get the right city council, that is going to help. But it's not going to solve the problem. Not when there's spiritual welfare. We all know spiritual warfare. We've had our own demons battling with them. Drink, don't drink. Drink, no drinking. The other part always wins. But that's what's happening right now. What am I going to do about that? Carry the vision of God's will into my activities. Cultivate faithfulness. In my own little world, when the woman checks me out at the public's grocery store and says, I have a nice day, and meets someone with a smile, I would love to tell you to do this all the time because sometimes I miss that. good morning and you know have a nice night it doesn't take too much effort feeding homeless that makes a little dent imagine if everyone did that so my prayers are about suffering and healing and things like that religion is under attack out there whatever religion you belong to and i pray for those people as well it's wrong and we've got to call on the boss here Because a politician is not going to fix that. But God could have done it if he saw it. God always wins, always wins. And then I go into sacred silence. Sometimes I'll pray to God, hey, got a fifth step coming here. The difficult alkyd, just show me how to navigate with this guy because I'm really stuck on him. or maybe I'm traveling somewhere that I've never been to before God just keep me and Mary safely protected things like that and then I go into sacred silence and we go into darkness to see and silence to hear it's called meditation and it's really important I had to be taught these things what my posture and breath are like now it's going to sound eastern and I'm not trying to upset anyone I think when this started it was more of a reflection than meditation Dave can probably answer that better than I can a lot of the way I've been brought up is with kind of an eastern influence sitting with posture and breath and going quiet and trying to touch that place now lots of times we don't want to go all the way in there because we might hear something we don' t want to like you might be going into meditation and it might be, you know, you haven't written inventory in about two months when are you going to get a sponsor I don' d want to hear that The other thing about meditation is we can have visions. We can have transforming experience. I've had a handful of them, which I'll share hopefully maybe one or two of them with you. But what happens is the mind gets involved in meditation too. It doesn't want me there. It's frustrated. The mind is frustrated with the silence. The mind ist frustrated with me going quiet and seeking God. The mind doesn't like that it's out of work and has nothing to do. So try to infiltrate, to pull me out or say, well, hey, you had a vision last week. How come not today? So what it looks to do is invent stuff. If I don't go into meditation and don't have a vision, some sort of revelation, it's a waste of time. That's the mind working on me. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to meditation over and over and over again. It was just sacred silence and I was done, I was out. There was nothing life-changing, nothing riveting happened. But the thing is in doing, I succeed. I'm going to the gym to work out. It's not a great workout today. I wasn't really into it, but I worked out. The heart and lungs were working. The muscles were working better than sitting on the couch. In doing, I succeed. And sometimes meditation is just like that. How free do I want to be? I kind of dig meditation. Then it burst upon me one day who I was praying to, who we are praying to. You know, we say prayers. Okay, I'm doing prayer. Okay, thank you. Meditation, I am out. And then one day it burst upon me, I have a line to the boss and he's going to listen. And so does my neighbor and so do my relatives and so to people in my home group. There's great gods listening, begging to have a relationship with us, going to any lengths to have an relationship with US. And I have an 11 step that gets me right in. Because prior to the 11th step, it was about getting rid of me, all the stuff, gutting me out, if you will. So I'm a hollow bone. and I can hear. And I'm looking for it, I'm listening for it. Again, I would love to tell you I do this perfect 24-7, but I miss it a lot. Did you ever do something and get someplace and say, you know, something told me to call Joe. I don't know, and I missed it and Joe passed away. Or there was a problem at the home group and I wanted to stay home and somebody says you should go and I stayed home. that afterthought. Who's talking to you? Who is that? There's a woman, Carol Amay, she says sometimes we're looking for God, this big booming voice about this shifting of the planet that's going to come to you. Well, that might happen, but sometimes God is like this. You're in the grocery store and you're trying to watch what you're eating and trying to lose some weight in the frozen fruit section. There's the Haagen-Dazs and God says go to the fruit section sometimes it's that simple when I was new I started lighting candles I mean brand new and I don't know well I do know now what pulled me to do that made no sense guy counting days walks into a church and lights candles I was living in Minnesota at the time and that carried with me I'd walk into church once a week I wasn't a church a mass goer yet but I was going to church And I'd light two candles once a week, faithfully, religiously. One for the sick and suffering in and out of the rooms and one for my mom. Make some prayers and out the door every single week. Then I got into the steps and I got in some prayer meditation and that kind of evolved and I kept doing this. I was sitting on the edge of a bed in a drunken rage a crying jag and i remember some of it i had the the bottle in my hand and i'm crying hysterical and cursing at god my mom committed suicide when i was 14 and i woke up to terror with my dad on a 911 call this was like her sixth or seventh time trying to commit suicide. She had mental health issues, narcotic use, alcoholic. It was messy. And my life changed that day. But in this drunken place, I remember screaming and cursing at God how he ripped me off. You didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye to my mom, full of self-pity, all of it. And I says, all I would ask you for, you SOB, S-O-B, was one hug from my mom. He'd never even let me have a hug with my mom, and I just went on and on and On. And I said something like, if you bring her down here, Mr. Big Shot from heaven, and let her hug me one time, I'll quit drinking. I'm trying to pull a deal off with God. Well, obviously that didn't happen. Then I get sober a few years later, and I'm lighting these candles for the sick and suffering in and out of rooms, and one for my mom." Start a meditative life. And one day I go into meditation. I've shared this with a bunch of these podiums. It changed my life. Something that I walk with knowing that I'm known by my creator. I'm in this meditation, and I'm sitting on a beach, and God knows I love being... The mountains, the trees, they're beautiful. I like the beach. It's open. I can breathe. And I love watching. I just like going down to the beach and watching the waves. God shows off. It's beautiful. Especially sunrise. I'm not a sunset guy. I'm a sunrise guy. And I'm sitting on the beach, and out on the horizon, walking towards me is the carpenter. And as he gets close to me, literally out of his chest appears my mom. And my sponsor told me that's oneness with the Lord. And when they get close to mean, I become this little eight-year-old boy. and I was in I was bad things were happening to me at eight years old besides my mom being sick and uh my mom kneeled down on one knee and gives me a hug now guys when we're that age and you have a tough day and mama kind of hugs you and holds on to you you're like rocky five at that point your gold is safe and protected it can be when mama holds on for you and that's what she did she held on to me and um i stood up and i became an adult and she held onto me as a young man and i noticed she she was weeping but they were tears of joy they weren't sorrowful tears and my height the carpenter was next to and he put his arm on my shoulder we go i die no words are speaking spoken through his whole meditation and without saying a word says she's okay she's with me because they talk to me about heaven but i don't know what this heaven is and he says she's okay. She's with me. Blissful, euphoric, not good enough. I can't even describe what I was experiencing in this meditation. And then it changed again because what my mom did was in this meditation, she pointed this way and she pointed at hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of flickering lights. Look like Manhattan skyline lit up at night. And And then she pointed this way at hundreds and hundreds of flickering lights. She held on to me once more, and her and the carpenter walked away, they became one, and I came out of meditation. To this day, I don't know how long I was in meditation, but I was very aware that I had been weeping. I kind of lost, there was no time and space in this, I was actually there in a meditation. Meditation, part of our 11-step. And so I got up off the mat and I went to the phone immediately and I called my sponsor and I described to him what happened. And he listened. He was an awake sponsor, been through the work. He had a life of meditation, active 10-step, et cetera. And he told me about the oneness. And I'm telling him what happens. And I says, but I don't understand all these lights. She's pointing at lights. What does that mean? And he got it. He says, you've been lighting candles for your mom for nine years now. She let you know she got them. At that moment, I began to break because I crossed over into another place. It was a tremendous amount of freedom in that, that oh my God, God knows my heart when it hurts. He knows what's happening here. That's been a riddle I cannot answer for the longest time. I made peace with all of that and he delivered to me when the ground was fertile enough. At eight years, I may have not been ready. Seven years, I may not have been ready and so on. But nine years for some particular reason on this particular morning, he said now. So I go back to him. I've had a handful of those experiences and a lot of our AAs talk about that. The little things. And we try to describe that or articulate that but there aren't the... Language is very limited. There's no adjectives to this. I can describe God that I'm not describing God. We try to create a picture, tell a story. Like when we qualify at a meeting, it doesn't do the story justice, but we tell stories. And so that's what I do at my 11th step. And I get in at night and I go into prayer and meditation. I work with lots of inspirational books, et cetera. And I'm just about out of time quickly with the 12th step and I apologize for not having time on the 12th step, but working with others. There's something in our book here and I marked it and I hope I didn't lose it. Okay. The story of Bill and Bob real quick. There's some really good bullet points here. Prior to his journey to Akron, the broker Bill Wilson had worked hard with many alcoholics on the theory that only one alcoholic could help another alcoholic, but he has succeeded in only keeping sober himself. The broker had gone to Akron on a business venture which had collapsed, leaving him greatly in fear that he might start drinking again. Bill's standing in the Mayflower Hotel broke. I think he had seven bucks on him. Can't pay his hotel bill. Doesn't know what to do. he suddenly realized that in order to save himself he must carry this message to another alcoholic the alcohol turned out to be the acrophysician Dr. Bob it says this physician Dr. Bo who had repeatedly tried spiritual means to resolve his alcohol dilemma but had failed but when the broker gave him Dr. Silkworth's description of alcoholism body minded spirit stuff and it's hopelessness the physician began to pursue the spiritual remedy for his malady with the willingness he had never been able to muster now I know what's wrong with me I can't nurse a drink I can not I can just regulate tonight with a few beers drinking causes more drinking and I got this thing in the head that's compelling me to drink. Now I know what's wrong with me. Now the spiritual stuff makes sense. He sobered never to drinking and up to the moment of his death. And here it is. This seemed to prove that one alcoholic could affect another as no non-alcoholic could. It also indicated that strenuous work, one alcoholic with another was vital to permanent recovery. We do the daytime permanent recovery what this book is getting has done for me is allow me to walk us to get into what we call the world of the spirit free of ourself to what go pass it on to someone else give the whole thing away i've done 12 step calls icky ones throwing guys in the shower never going alone by the way cleaning up a guy hosing them down getting them dressed putting him in the car get him to a detox, and he's out the next day. Back at it again. Over and over and over again, getting the liquor, throwing it out, getting rid of the dry goods, flushing that, doing all of that stuff. We've been able to do that. And never once have they said, well, that's a lot of Coke left over. I wonder if I should take some. You know? Wow, they're still whisking their jack bottle. Oh, boy, take a couple of pops before we go. I deserve it. I've earned it. Or I can't do that 12-step call. There's drugs and alcohol, and I can'T go there. Nonsense. Nonsense, God's a body armor on, and we're about to go to work for him. That's part of our work. Because quite frankly, if a drunk calls the police at 2 o'clock in the morning because he can't stop drinking, if they come, he's getting arrested. If you call your therapist at 2 O'clock in the Morning, you're getting the voicemail. If you called a treatment center, the first question is, what's your insurance? If you call a drunk at 2 o'clock in the morning and you need help, here's what you're going to hear. I'm on my way and I'll come over with a few guys. The cavalry, that's what we do for fun and for free. That is more spiritual than quoting the book all day long. Because all of the, we quote the book, we tell a story about it, we talk about mechanics, but all of that is to get me in shape to go help God's kids, including family members who aren't alcoholics, who are in a time of need. or if good times come to me I can spread that wealth around that's what I'm supposed to be doing I work for God I get to practice these principles in all my affairs when others around me are not that's the real test it can be spiritual in an AA meeting what about when I'm around my in-laws or people at work who are civilians and you go to the coffee pot nothing but gossip and slandering going on or you're in the middle of the liberals and the conservatives over a coffee pot Whatever side I take, I'm going to be wrong here. How do I navigate? So I chop wood and carry water and I've been serving as much as I can to AA and God. Some people are just gifted with sponsorship. They're just good at it. They just will sit there for hours and hours and word line by line through the book and others are good at service. We all have our hat to wear, but I've got to pass it on. I must sponsor. I've always had a sponsor. My first six months I was using guys, talking to guys, and I almost got drunk that way. And since then I've Always Had a Sponsor, a go-to guy. And God has put some giants in my life, for me anyway. and I'll close with this last reading and we'll get out of here this book was given to me it's not an AA book if you're like me, I'm an alcoholic I read the pictures first and I read the ending then I start the book it was sitting on my nightstand forever and I opened it up one day and I'm flicking through and it had the italicized writing, I said I wonder what that is and I red it, I pulled it out because it describes what we do here and this is what the author writes May I become at all times, both now and forever, a protector for those without protection, a guide for those who have lost their way, a ship for those with oceans to cross, a bridge for those with rivers to cross. A sanctuary for those in danger. A lamp for those without light. A place of refuge for those who lack shelter and a servant to all in need. My name is Peter. I'm an alcoholic. That's all I got. We hope you enjoyed this recording. If you are interested in other speaker tapes or CDs from AA or Al-Anon, please contact us at Sound Solutions, toll free 1-877-893-2777 or visit us on the web at soundsolutionsrecording.com We are also available to cover your recording and sound system needs. Thank you for allowing us to be of service and carrying the message. Thank you.