Trustworthiness and Service to Family – Spiritual Maintenance Workshop – Part 4 of 5 – Staci L.

Good afternoon, everybody. My name is Jean Buscombe. I'm an alcoholic. And do we do our sobriety dates here? Okay. Through the grace of God's sponsorship and the fellowship of you people, I've been giving this gift to sobriete since October 26th of 1986. I am very grateful for that. Oh, my home group is the Beautiful Morning Group, Saturday mornings, 8 a.m. on 72nd and Grant in Omaha, Nebraska. It was a great meeting this morning. I wish everybody could have been there. It's really good. But next week you can join us. I would like to have a moment of silence to begin before we start and we're saying the serenity prayer after that, please. god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference all right we do have a birthday to celebrate um so i'm going to introduce jc today and then we're going to sing happy birthday so it's a little bit out of order and that with that now i introduce to you our speaker this afternoon and again remember birthday is right around the corner well happy birthday we're having stacy stacy HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPP Y BIR THAY TO YOU HAPP BIR TAY TO YOUR STACY HAPP P BIR DAY TO YOU AND MANY MORE Oh, thank you so much. Oh, that just, oh, my heart. My heart is just exploding right now. Thank you so much. My name is Stacy and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is April the 25th of 2003. So today I've been sober for 17 years and that's a miracle by many, many people's accounts and that is a total tribute to Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to thank Paula for asking me to speak. She reached out to me and asked if I was free this weekend and I said what day and I told her that today was my sobriety date and so I feel really honored that you allowed me to talk on my date of sobriety. I have to admit, I'm a little bit out of sorts. About an hour before I got on this Zoom, I got a call from my sister. My mom had an accident and has fallen, and we didn't know how serious it was. So I had to talk to my stepfather, talk to myself, talk to her, talk about it. And I had a lot of fun. And then I had to talk with my brother, calm them down because I'm the only one that lives in San Antonio with my parents, near my parents. And that was a bit of a fiasco. My mother is okay. I have to tell you that sometimes I'm in the middle of things and I don't really see the miracle until I get on the other side. And there was a long time that my family would not have called me to be involved with anything going on like this because I wasn't trustworthy, because they knew I would make it about me because I was so crazy. Nine times out of 10, the phone calls were usually about me. They weren't about anybody else. And so it's quite an honor and a privilege to be a different woman today, to be someone that my family trusts, to be something that I can do for them. Someone that can be of service to my family and to people and to be useful. So I can't take that lightly right now and I'm sitting here in a lot of gratitude. I love the singing. I love when people sing off tune in Alcoholics Anonymous. Y'all are my people. I mentioned my sobriety date. I do have a home group. Prior to COVID-19, my home group was the Stay in the Solution group of Alcoholics Anonymous here in San Antonio, Texas. I have not attended that group recently. They are still meeting in person. Out of respect for what's going on in the world, I just choose not to go and I am still working. So that's just not what I can do at this time. But my sponsor is Marty R. And she has a meeting every single day at 10am. And I've been communicating with my siblings across the country on most days at 10pm. And that's Just wonderful. And i get to pop in and out of these zoom meetings all the time and so you know for anybody that's in this room and maybe you're trying to figure all of this out you know welcome to alcoholics anonymous it does say in our literature modem to modem face-to-face aas when we get together we share the language of the heart and that's precisely what i'm here to do today um i uh i love being a member of alcoholics anonymous um i did not bring that attitude when i got here I didn't care about anything. I didn' t care about people. I did n't care about birthdays. I really just did nt care. So they talk about in here, in order to stay here, that an entire psychic change must occur. And so I'm going to tell you what I was like, primarily because I want you to understand that there's a vast difference between the woman I am today and the woman who came into AA. That is a huge, vast difference. And it's been nothing shy of a miracle. So there are a lot of friends in here that I know, people that I've met from all over the country and a big shout out to Jennifer from Toronto and my girl Christmas Carol from Maine, James Lee, who's a dear friend of mine, Mike, I met you in St. Louis. Like there are people all over this country that I knew. And when I came here, my world was so small. I didn't even have a cell phone when I got sober. It's not that they didn't have them I just never bought one because I couldn't enter any contacts in it there was no one to call but my father you know and today my world is so huge and I just uh I don't have the words to conceptualize what I feel and what I'm experiencing in this moment so a little bit about me I was uh I was born July 16th 1977 uh this coming July I'll be 43 years old I know that's not old, but for me it is. I cannot believe that I've lived this long. I really can't. I lived a very fast life out there when I was drinking and I'm shocked that I live past 30. I was born in Brackenridge Hospital to a Hispanic mother and a Persian father. And to be honest, I don't know a lot about my history. I'm still trying to learn things about myself. What I do know is that when I was born, my father was not an American citizen. He actually did not gain his citizenship until eight years ago. And for reasons that I don't know, he did not want my mother raising me. He didn't think that would be safe for me. I still don't understand the history on that. But what I do now is that somehow they had a conversation on the day that I was born and they decided to give me up for adoption. So I was given up for adoption right out of the hospital. I spent a very, very small time in foster care. Very small time. Nothing even remotely relative. And I was adopted by the people that I call my parents. The people that i call my parents are really great people. Very good salt-of-the-earth people. They were both born and raised in the Midwest. My mom is from Steubenville, Ohio. My father's from Crete, Nebraska. Just good, hardworking people. And my perception of Midwestern people is kind of the way I see my parents. Just kind people, cared about their neighbors, hard working, believed in an honest day's work for an honest days pay, valued community. Any good principles that I needed for life, my parents offered it. The problem with me is that I don't get anything principled in my life until I burn my life to the ground. So it wasn't until I came to AA that I started behaving like someone who was raised by Richard and Phyllis Speedland. That didn't come for a long time. So great parents, kind people. My mom had grown up in alcoholism and I know because I've been in AA for a while that when you grow up in alcoholism, sometimes alcoholism doesn't leave room for love. So my mom grew up with a lot of abuse. She grew up in poverty. She felt neglected. She felt unloved. She fell lonely all the time. She just really struggled. And I believe that when she had children, she made a decision that she was going to love us. She was going to give us everything that she never was given. And that's precisely what she did. How my mother transmitted what she didn't have, I'll never know. But she did that. We were told that we were loved. We Were Shown We Were Loved. I grew up in private schools. Anything I wanted, I was given. There is no reason by examining my upbringing, there is no logical reason why I ended up in Alcoholics Anonymous. So AlcoholicsAnonymous, in my experience, has nothing to do with the way you were raised, lifestyle, any of that. What I do know is from as long as I could remember, I felt different. There was just something not right. And I didn't have words for it for a very long time. I felt uneasy. I feel edgy. I fell uncomfortable. I thought alone all the time. I cried a lot. I used to think my family didn't want me and I would tell them that all the time. I would say, if you don't want me, just let me go. I'll, I'll go back to my family. I was real dramatic. And, you know, I had this idea in my head that my parents had given me up for adoption because they thought I was ugly. No one told me that, but that was my decision, my thought process. This is definitely a disease of perception. So I don't know about anyone in here, but when I don'T understand something, I'LL make up stories. And the story I told myself was that if I had been blonde or if I had been blue eyed or whatever that my parents would have kept me and I carried this kind of self centered thinking all throughout my life that it was all about me and nobody knew it my sponsor used to say it's like it's your parade you're not even in it, I hate that you know, I just hate that and so when I was 12 years old I got a hold of some alcohol And the way that that happened was my parents had a liquor cabinet and I had watched people come over and drink at our house. They weren't doing like any incredible alcoholic drinking, but they would drink from time to time. And I would see that alcohol could change the way someone felt. And I was already stealing my dad's cigarettes at age 12. And I got into my parents' liquor cabinet, and I got a bunch of their booze, andI drank them. And I remember that magical electric effect produced by alcohol. I'll never forget it. It was so profound. It was so warm. It was so fuzzy. It was so special. I talk about sometimes how alcohol really spoiled me, you know, alcohol gave me a place of wellness that I had never experienced in my life. I remember how good I felt when I drank. I remember how free I felt. I remember that alcohol could flip that switch in my head that would say, I don't care what you think about me. I don'T CARE WHAT'S HAPPENING AROUND ME. WHEN I WOULD DRINK, I FOUND THAT SPIRITUAL PRINCIPLE OF WHATEVER. AND THAT'S THE WAY I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO FEEL. BECAUSE OF AND BY MYSELF, WHEN IM SOBER, MY NERVES ARE ON THE OUTSIDE OF MY SKIN. WHEN Im sober, Im restless, irritable, discontent. WHen Im sober, I DEAL WITH THOSE CONSTANT ANXIOUS PAINS OF APART FROM. BUT WHEN I drink alcohol, it doesn't make me a part of it just makes me not really care. When I drink alcohol, I don't want to be a part OF your friendship or your little social group. I just don't even like you all. In fact, if anything, you need to be with me because you're missing out. That's the kind of perception changing that alcohol does for me. And so, you know, at 12 years old, I had my first drink and my first drunk. And another interesting thing that happened at age 12 was I had a nervous breakdown. Now, I don't know about anybody else in here, but my nerves broke down quite a bit. When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had been institutionalized several times. And I learned that if you've been institutionalize more than three times, all you have to say is several. So I've been institutionally several times, I've also been arrested several times. So we'll just clear that up. My first institution was at age 12. And back then they could hold you for a while. I got in there when I was 12 years old and I got out when I was 14, a month right before I turned 14. So I spent about a year and a half in a mental institution. And so I got on in June, I turned 13 in July and in August I started high school. so the high school got my transcripts from the mental institution and they didn't know what to do with a little budding alcoholic of my type so it was no child left behind back then and what that means is they're going to graduate you they just have to figure out how they're gonna do it so they stuck me in this challenger program and it was for gang members and pregnant teenagers and I was neither one but they stuck мне in there because they really just didn't have anything else for me so they made this little special provision for me they gave me this wooden hall pass to put in my backpack and it said it said pass and they said okay so anytime you feel like you're gonna freak out just show the pass to the teacher and they'll let you go no questions asked now see that's a wonderful thing when you're practicing alcoholism in high school because I would be sitting in class and I would get bored and my drink alarm would go off. And so I would go and I would show the pass to the teacher and I Would leave the classroom. Now, I wasn't supposed to go where I normally go, which is behind the dumpster, where I would drink Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill and Thunderbird with grape Kool-Aid, right? I was supposed to be going to this. Yes, I was opposed to be Going to this counselor's office. And interestingly, I've been talking about her for years, right? So there was this counselor and I used to say anytime I was asked to talk, like if anybody has ever met her or if anybody knows her, please come see me after the talk because I owe this woman an amends. And interestingly enough, I was speaking in Florida of all places. And I mentioned her in my talk and a little girl, young girl, about 20 years old comes up to me, a little millennial. She comes up to me after the talk and she goes, okay, I hope you don't think this is weird, but like I Googled her and is this her? She totally found her. So I finally met this woman and I was able to make the amends, which is fabulous. Yeah, this woman, her name is Lorraine Grant, an unlikely angel in my life. She tried so desperately to get a hold of me, like just to get through to me. She tried to help me so, so hard. She was so intentional in trying to help Me. And I just couldn't. I mean, I was so far deep down inside of myself that no one could reach Me. I used to hide behind a wall of sarcasm and condescending remarks. And she used to ask me questions like about my parents or about my relationship with my mom. And I was so mean and hateful back then. I used to say inappropriate things like, oh, I'm thinking about killing her and burying her in the backyard. What do you think? Right. I dressed in all black. I wore combat boots. I had a Mohawk. I was not a vision for you. Right. So they got tired of my little antics in high school. And one day I got approached by the administration of the school and they said to me, look, we're going to put you in the full day cooperative education program it's all you have to do is go to work. They said, go get a job, show us your paycheck stubs and we will graduate you from high school. So I went and got a little job at Subway and I showed them my paycheck stobs and they graduated me from high School at 17 years old with the equivalence of a sixth grade education because that's the age that I stopped learning. So after high school, my parents had this big value in our family that you were supposed to go to college. they said go try to go to college try to find a college if you like it we'll help you pay for it I just think you should do it so I got accepted to Kansas City Art Institute in Kansas City, Missouri which is a very big honor I have to tell you I still I feel so sad and regretful that I did not understand what I had at the time because that school was very hard to get into but they accepted me because of my portfolio. It wasn't my grades for sure. But to make a very long story short, I've been kicked out of several universities. Kansas City Art Institute sent me home within the first semester because of My Drinking. I got in a lot of trouble because I was drinking. I couldn't get up for class. I was on my final warning with most of my classes that they were going to kick me out of the class because my attendance was so poor. And I finally had this one last episode where I drank too much and threw up all over my dorm room, and they just decided they'd had enough. So they sent me home from school after they pulled my scholarship. And you know, I come home and I'm 17 years old. And I know that alcohol is a problem, but I'm nowhere near thinking that I need to stop drinking like that just doesn't make sense at 17. And so I came home and I altered my birth certificate and my identification and made myself look like I was older so I could get a driver's license that said I was 18. And at 17 years old, I got into the topless bar industry. And I remained in that industry until I was 25 when I got sober. So gives you a little picture of who walked in the rooms when I came in. I'm so glad that Alcoholics synonymous. You don't expect people to behave themselves or watch their language or dress appropriately because you would not have allowed me to stay. So I don't talk about that business. Um, I know there are women in that business that do the right things. I know they feed their kids. I knowthey go home at night. Iknow they are decent people. What I will tell you is that I'm not that kind of woman. Um,I am an alcoholic. I wreck shop. You give me a little bit of money or a little bit of power and I become a tornado roaring through the lives of others. In the fourth step, in the third column, we talk about those seven things, those seven instincts, self-esteem, pride, ambitions, personal relations, sex relations, pocketbook. In the beginning, that business catered to all of those things. But it's so important for me to make the distinction towards the end of my drinking, not the business, but I robbed me of every bit of dignity and self-respect that I had as a woman. Because even when alcohol would ask for my dignity, I would hand that over. No questions asked. I had no clue about being in a relationship. I am a little bit of a hostage taker by trade. I don't know if there's any other hostage takers in the room today. But if you are in training for hostage taking 101, I'm going to give you some tips. You do need to find people that have something in common with you. You know, like, I like chocolate ice cream, he likes chocolate ice cream. And as far as I'm concerned, we go together. And I'm one of those that once you start seeing me, you don't leave me. No, I will scale the community gate wall. I do not care. I will come to your job. That's how I roll because that's how big and how much I love you. So when I was working at the club, I met this DJ. He was working there, too. And we got to talking for a little bit. And after talking with him for a while, what I found out is that he talked like I did. He drank like I did. And he lied like I said, he lied all the time. And so, you know, what do you do with a diamond like that? Ladies, you get your hands on him like you don't want your girlfriends to get him. So I got my claws in this old boy and, you know, we started dating and within two months I had already moved in with him and we had set up housekeeping. So you can let your imagination go as far as you need to about what two actively drinking alcoholics living together looks like. A friend of mine said it best. Our love was so big we had to take it outside. You know, We had that real big love, like, you know, that good love, like nobody understood us. Like I would, I would complain about him all the time. He would complain about me. And all of our friends would say, why don't you just get away from her or him? And we'd say, because I love him. You know, that's not even a thought. So we would just duke it out and we would act crazy and nobody would ever invite us anywhere. And, you know, we stayed together for a long time. And the reason we stayed together so long is both of us said we were going to leave the other one once we sobered up, which consequently did not happen. You You know, I was three years sober when Paul died. He never did get this life. He had long left me and he was married to someone and had a daughter. And, you know, I've always felt a great deal of sadness that Paul never found Alcoholics Anonymous. I wish he would have gotten this life He definitely, he had suffered long enough, but, you Know, the, I won't go into the particulars about why he left me or any of that. But I will tell you that eventually after enough damage that we had done to each other, Paul did leave me when I was still drinking. And I remember thinking to myself, oh, thank God, you know, thank god he left because as far as I was concerned, he was the problem. You know, he did cocaine. Okay, so you know never mind that I drink but he does cocaine. So he's he's the problem. And I remember thinking to myself, you know, now that he's gone, I'm going to get my life together. You know, no more screwing up, no mehr messing up in school, no mehr getting fired from jobs, no meer hangovers. Like, I'm gonna get my life together and when he sees me one day at the grocery store and I'm rich and famous, he's gonna feel so sad that he ever left all of this. And so I don't know how you get your life together. But I buy an outfit, you know, because you got to get looking good for the next one, as far as I'm concerned. So I bought this really cute, cute outfit and some great jewelry and all hell broke loose in my life. Towards the end of my drinking, I was starting to go in and out of institutions on a regular basis. I was started to go in and at a jail a lot. I got arrested several times, even sometimes more than once in one weekend. It's just getting crazy out there. You know, and back when I was in the mental institution, when I was 12 years old, I remember I made a commitment to myself because they institutionalized me a couple of times as an adolescent. I was institutionalized twice before the age of 18. And I remember, I used to say, when I'm an adult, I will never, ever let anyone put me in one of these places again. Never. Because my first institution, there were things that happened to me that should never have happened to a 12-year-old. And so I said, I'll never let anybody do this to me again. And it got to the point where towards the end of my drinking, I'm starting to voluntarily check myself into these places because the hideous four horsemen were on me. That terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair. I would wake up from a night of drinking and the madness was on me and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I would have these panic attacks. It was too difficult to make a decision to take a left or a right when I was driving and I would freak out. And so I would drive myself to the crisis center or the San Antonio State Hospital, and I Would check in my weapon. And I would tell these people that work there that I was not safe and neither was anybody else in my house. And so they started admitting me to these places voluntarily. And they started diagnosing me with more stuff. I've been diagnosed with everything under the sun. If it's in the DSM-5, I guess I've had it at one point. They started giving me a bunch of medications. I was on psychotropic meds for a number of years. I used to have a pill box the size of my home group's chip box and we have a lot of old timers. And so I'm taking pills four or five, six, seven times a day and my life is not getting any better. I'm just gradually getting worse. And I can't figure out why nothing's happening for me. I'm drinking and I'm taking psychotropic meds. And if you've ever done that before, it's like I would have these huge blackouts at this point. I would be sitting there watching TV and I would wake up and I got Cheetos all over my face. You know, I'm just like, oh, my God, I're losing these big gaps of time here. Like, I don't know what's happening. I wouldn't be able to do anything. I'd be like, I would get to work and I will come to in the middle of a shift. And I think, how did I even get here? So I started gaining a lot of weight. Towards the end of my drinking, I gained 65 pounds and that doesn't look cute on me. I was not showering. I wasn't changing my clothes. I wore the same pink jumpsuit for like a month and I thought I looked like J-Lo. I didn't. So I became unemployable for the kind of work that I do. Gradually things get worse. And I didn't know what to do with myself because I didn'T have any money and I couldn'T work and all of that stuff. And I did what a woman like me, I did What I would normally do. In a state of survival, I took another hostage. There was this old boy in my life, I don'T know what was going on in his poor world that he thought a girl that wore the same pink jumpsuit for a month was a little bit of all right. But I set the deal up. I said, look, you like me. I think I could like you. I'm going to move in with you. You're going to take care of me and I'm going to be good. And so I moved in with this poor guy and I will tell you that it was about three or four years before he was willing to accept my amends. I moved into a house and I was I moved with him and I took this poor guy hostage emotionally mentally, physically. I was abusive. I would cheat on him and he would say things like, why won't you come home at night? Or I need you to be home or I need to be faithful to me. And I would say if you're going to talk to me like that, I'm going to leave. He would beg me to stay. I was a horrible person to him. I convinced him that at some point I was going to love him and that never happened. One night he came home after working a long shift and he found me on his couch and I wasn't breathing and he had to call EMS. And I will tell you that ever since making amends to him, he's told me that it took him a couple of years to hear an EMS siren without getting shook up. And this is how I show up in a relationship. He found me, I wasnít breathing, he called EMS. They had to transport me to University Hospital in San Antonio, dead on arrival. This is not my worst drunk. I will tell you that I did not come to Alcoholics Anonymous because of the consequences of my drinking. It's important for me to make the distinction that consequences mean nothing to a girl like me. I love that line in the book where it says, we cannot bring into subconsciousness the memory of suffering of a week or even a month ago. See, to me, it's always scary the first time you have to do something. The first time they arrested me, it was a little brightening. The second and the third time, like I'm already cussing them out all the way down to county. The first Time they put me in a mental institution, I was afraid. The second And the third Time I've already got my shoelace and my belt off and the intake and I'm looking for a date because that's how I roll. You know, and it's just like that for me. Consequences just teach me that it's easier to do it the next time. got arrested, I realized it's just not that scary to be in jail. So I didn't come to AA because I hit rock bottom. I don't know anything about rock bottom for me. The ultimate rock bottom is death. That's all I know. I'm not going to stay with you because I'm scared of what's going to happen to me. I didn'T have that kind of value when I got here. I DIDN'T care what happens to me. If you told me if you keep drinking that you're going to die, I would have said fine. Where do I sign up? I don't care. The reason I came to Alcoholics Anonymous is because the alcohol stopped working and that's a very profound place to be when the only solution you've ever known no longer works, when you cannot drink that look on their faces away anymore, when you can no longer drink and get rid of all those worldly clamors, mostly those within myself. I could not drink the pain away anymore. I was restless. I Was irritable. I WAS discontent and I was drunk. And it was a terrifying place to be. And so when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, it was because I came into a university hospital with my mother standing over me and my father standing over мне. And the shame and the looks on their faces was horrible. And I remember just apologizing to them over and over and again, telling them how sorry I was, telling them that I never wanted them to see me like this, telling my dad how ashamed I was because he was on the board of that hospital and just saying to them that I would do anything. And, and I remember my dad saying to me how sorry he was. He said that he couldn't help me. And he had that look of complete disdain. We all know that look. Once you've seen that look on their face, you can never wipe it away. I can still remember it as if it was yesterday, just that look Of disappointment and shame and horror. And, it just hurt me to my soul. I loved my dad so much. When I was a little girl, I used to think about the fact that one day he was going to die. And I remember he would come home from the hospital late sometimes and I would think to myself, what if he got killed in an accident? And I used to sit in the corner of my bedroom and I Would say, God, if my dad ever dies, please take me too, because I could not picture my life without him. That's how much I loved him. And to see that look on his face, it just devastated me. And I would love to tell you that the pain and the shock and the shame and the horror was so great that I never drank again. But alcoholism knows no bounds. And even though the alcohol had stopped working, even though I had been beaten into a state of reasonableness, I continued to drink until my parents drove me to treatment because I had no other solution, Alcoholics Anonymous. When I have no solution, it doesn't matter how bad it is. when I hear people say, I can't drink. I can, I can. That's always an option for me. The question is, am I going to have a sufficient solution so I don't have to? And at that time I didn't have a efficient solution. I was just restless, irritable, discontent and in a great deal of pain and the alcohol wasn't working but I had that poor boyfriend bring me booze to the hospital in intensive care because I just couldn't be present for my experience. On April 25th of 2003, my parents drove me to a treatment center in the Hill Country. Now that is my sobriety date. The treatment center did their job. They separated me from alcohol for the last time. But if you're anything like me, things do not get better. I was for the first time present in 13 years and I just felt like I couldn't take a breath. I remember I would walk around that place constantly anxious, constantly in pain. I would have these splashes of memories that I wish I had been blacked out for. And they used to bring me to my knees. I was terrified. I had Been doing some things that I shouldn't have been doing before I got to treatment for money. And I was worried that I had a disease. I was afraid that I'd hurt people like I just didn't know what to do with all of that. And so the treatment center did their job. They started talking to me about alcoholism, not the way you talk to me, but they opened a door for me. And the door that they opened was a door in my mind That for an alcoholic of my type The only solution is Alcoholics Anonymous They said to me, when you get out of treatment Don't unpack, don't go on a trip Don't go get you another boyfriend That's okay, I had four of them The treatment center was full of them You know, that's how I roll They said, go to AlcoholicsAnonymous Get you a sponsor and start working the steps Because clearly your life depends on it They also suggested that I go to a halfway house Now that's not a part of Alcoholics Анonymous But when you have nowhere to go, that's where you live. I lived in a two-story house, 18 women, two bathrooms. And we had this chore list and they taught me how to do chores. I learned how to mop the floor. I learned How to do all this stuff, all those little tools for living that I didn't get before I got sober. They also had a lot of accountability in that halfway house. They required me to go to meetings. I had to have a meeting sheet signed and I was required to meet with a sponsor once a week. So the only reason I went to meetings when I got out of treatment was because I was forced to. And the only reasons I got a sponsor is because I had to have someone sign that sheet. So I showed up to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. My first meeting was the world-famous 2211 group of AA, where they just loved me. There was a guy in my old home group. His name is Frank F. He's a little famous out in the Houston area. He and another member of aa got into a fistfight outside an aa meeting over who had the most serenity, right? true story and I know sometimes we uh Sometimes we see our members behavior and we think god what a bad example of alcoholics anonymous I need to tell you that I identified with frank like I totally got frank I didn't know what it meant to be an alcoholic But I knew what when I saw frank act the fool. I understood frank. I was like I got you frank so I met this woman who is going to become my idol in sobriety. Her name is Gail S. She just called me today on my sobriete date. Gail is just a beautiful, beautiful woman. I hope wherever you are going to meetings, whether on Zoom or face-to-face, I hope that you have idols. I hope there are people that when you see them, they make your world a safer place to be. I used to walk into meetings and my head would be so loud. I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. It was just so loud. And I would go and I would sit in the meeting and I Would see Gail and I could breathe again. And Gail used to walk into the meeting and she just kind of glowed God, you know? And she would just kind of sashay over to me. And in that sweet little voice of hers, she used to say to me, baby, let me tell you something. And I Would say, yes, Miss Gail, what is it? And she Would say for God's sake, honey, get your toes done. And then she'd just walk off. so i need to let y'all know that i do have my toes done today alcoholics anonymous i'm having to do my own pedicures i know right um but i i i get my toes down for a reason it's a tribute to gail um who has everything that i want you know i never knew what it was if you had ever asked me back in the day well what does she have that you want i would say i don't know you know i know what it is today gail is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside I always thought that if I manipulated the outside, that somehow the inside would clean up. And that's just not my experience. This is an inside job. My friend Candice M says, if you don't go within, you'll go without in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I believe that to be true. This is a job. This is what I call an inside job. So I met the woman who was to become my sponsor. My first sponsor was Annie M from Kerrville, Texas, who got sober in the suburban group of Austin, Texas. So I have to tell you that I am a product of some really mean sponsorship. Nancy B gave me the best definition of a mean sponsor. She said, it's someone who cares more about what you're doing than how you're feeling. That's the kind of sponsorship I come from. But you know, Annie was mean because see, I came into AA and I was still not showering and I Was still not changing my clothes and all that stuff, you know. But when you're new, you get a gift, right? This is a disease of perception. So I just knew I had it going on. And I just knew that every guy in my home group felt so bad that they got married before I walked in. So, uh, I used to say things all the time and Annie would say stuff to like puncture my ego all the Time. Like one time we were in the aisle, you know, the island Walmart, you know, th the one with the candles with the saints on them. So I was like looking at those saint candles one time and I said to Annie, I said, You know what? I would look really good on one of those saint candles, right? You know, I kind of do look like the Virgin de Guadalupe a little bit. And Annie didn't miss a beat. She goes, yeah, you can be the saint to mental patients and fallen women. And I said, see, now that's just rude. That's just crude. I'm going to show her. I'm not going to ever talk to her again, right. Okay. That happened for about maybe three days until the next tragedy. And I was like waiting for her after the meeting. I was all, Annie, do you have a minute? What do I do? You know, I never knew you could fire your sponsor. I had no idea. No one ever told me the rules when I got here. It freaks me out to this day when people fire me, when they're like, um, I feel like I need a new experience. I'm like, how did you know that? How did you Know you could do that? I had No clue. So Annie was exactly what I needed. And she just took me through Alcoholics Anonymous. She showed me how to live amongst you. And I believe that when I can live amongst you, everything that you've taught me applies out there in the real world. See, I was taught to be on time where I come from. That's 15 minutes early. And I was told to stay late. I was talked to work the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and not the room. I think that's important. I Was taught to, um, watch my language and dress appropriately. Now I've got a myriad of cuss words in my vocabulary, but I don't say them, especially right now, allegedly behind the podium of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because I was taught that if I love a program called AlcoholicsAnonymous, that my actions and my words and my dress should match. That the outward appearance should match the inward reality. And here's the cool thing. If you show up on time and you dress appropriately and you watch your language, you get to keep your job crazy so it's just profound so yes annie taught me how to live in alcoholics anonymous but i don't want to miss the most important part annie opened the big book of alcoholics synonymous and started taking me through that 12-step process and as that 12 step process started taking place in my life what happened to me is what it describes in the back of the book appendix 2 spiritual experience where it says the personality change sufficient to overcome alcoholism occurred. I believe that the woman who walked in here on April the 25th of 2003 will always drink again. I can't be her. I don't want to be her, but see oven by myself. I don'T know how to make that change take place. I am the queen of new year's resolutions. I'm always changing my life. And yet lack of power is my dilemma. And when the big book talks about lack of power, they're not just talking about my relationship with alcohol. They're talking about lack of Power with my defects of character. They are talking about lack of power with dishonesty, with self-centeredness, with self-loathing, all these things that I wish I didn't have. And the truth is drunk or sober I am just as bad. I can be that person who is just very, very destructive and burn my life to the ground. The difference is now I don't have alcohol as insulation. So the only way that I can stay here with you and the only way I can have comfortable skin and a sound mind is if I'm willing to work the steps. And for me, I've had to continuously work the footsteps. The longer I've been here, more needs to be revealed because the woman that I was last year will not be sufficient for what I'm doing today. Now my sponsor Annie also promised me that if I was willing to say yes in Alcoholics Anonymous. At any time you asked me to do something, she said, say yes. And she told me that amazing things would happen to me in between service commitments. And I'm here to tell you that they have. Remember how I told you that I lived in that halfway house? Well, when I was about a year sober, I got to run that halfway House. It was crazy. Like I got to teach women how to do chores. And, and when I got sober, we only had one halfway house for women in the city that I got sobre in. And as a result of myself and some other women getting together, we got to start several chains of, of halfway houses, which is such an honor and privilege to be a link in the human chain, to be able to help women have a safe place to get sober, to have accountability, uh, to learn how to do chores the same way that the same, the same thing that was afforded to me when I got sober, I got to help other women have that space. And that felt like such an honor. Now I did go to meetings and I complained about them a lot. Um, I used to, I use to go to meeting and they'd ask me how the girls in the house were doing. And I'd be like, Oh, they are so not acting right. You know? and Texas women, they're so bad. Like they just come up to you and they're like, well, darling, why don't you let them be new for five minutes? We let you be new for five years. And I thought, well okay, you might be right. So I learned a lot about love and tolerance during those years. When I was two years sober I went and worked in the Kerbal State Hospital. When i was three years sober, I went worked in a treatment center I used to say all I had to do is work in Bexar County Jail and I've have worked at where I've lived the God of my understanding doesn't throw anything away. In fact, I will tell you that I did get to work at Bexar County Jail for a while. I actually have worked everywhere I've lived. It's been quite an honor and a privilege. Every horrible story, everything that I wish I didn't do, all those painful memories, I used to ask my sponsor, when am I ever going to forgive myself? When am I never going to heal at the level of my soul and not be knocked down by those horrible memories of the shameful past. And the only way I know how to do that is to share those experiences with someone else. Every time I work with a newcomer or any time I show up for life in the ways that I'm allowed, I get to share those stories and it divides the pain in half and it divides the pain and half and it divides the pain until there's nothing left. I will tell you that there's not a single story in my past that I cannot share with you because it doesn't own me today. Those things have healed. Those stories are useful today. You have made me useful. You have given me a purpose and I can't thank you enough for that. There are a couple of stories that I'm going to tell behind the podium. They are my favorite stories. Whenever I'm asked to speak, I feel compelled to tell these stories because they belong to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. These are your stories. These are just stories that have happened to me as a result of being sober and continuing to apply the steps and the traditions in my life. So here's my first story. I made up my mind a long time ago that I was not college material. I had evidence, okay? I've been kicked out of several universities, just so we're clear. And I have a sixth grade education. And the funny thing about that is that I really don't know what I don't Know, until I sort of like crash into it, you know, people will start start talking about some point in history, and I don' t know what they're talking about. And then they tell me that they learned that the 11th grade, it's like, Oh, yeah, I wasn't there. So I, I don''t think that's a college material type of person. well um my stepfather as a result of the ninth step i was able to go home i was able to spend some time with them there was a there wasa year where they didn't want me in their house and um when i was about two and a half years sober my step father um and i started building we had been building our relationship uh for quite some time and he sat down with me he had just retired from the fbi and they had given him a small pension. And he sat down with me and he said, look, I've been thinking about how I want to invest some of my money and I would like to invest it in you. He said, I want you to find a college and get accepted and get as many scholarships as you can and I will try to help you with the rest. And I said, sure. Because I'm thinking I've been kicked out of like several universities. I don't think I'm on the dean's prospect list. and, uh, scholarships. Yeah. I don't see that happening either, but Alcoholics Anonymous, you've taught me to be a woman of my word. So I showed up to Shriner University in Kerrville, in Kerrrville, Texas with some torn jeans and a t-shirt. And I went into the admissions office and I said, I need to apply for your college. So they gave me an application and they said, take it home, type it up, make it look real neat, have someone edit it for you and bring it back to us. And I said, oh, that's not going to be necessary. Do you have a pen? And so I filled out my application and pen, and I gave it back to her with the $25 to process the application. And I asked her, do you need anything else? And she said, well, we need transcripts from any colleges that you have gone to. And i said, okay, all of them? And she said yes, all of them. And i said okay, hypothetically what if i went to college there for like three years and I didn't get any credits do you still need and she's like yes yes if you've been enrolled in the school we have to have those transcripts and I was like oh great okay so I called all the schools I got my transcript sent out there and uh one day I was working at the state hospital and I get a call from the admissions office and they need me to come down and sign some paperwork and I said well why you know because I'm thinking they want me to sign some paper work that I'm like not going to sue them or something. I don't know. I just didn't want to sign it because I didn't want to waste my gas. I didn' t want to take the day off for that and I said well what exactly do you need? Like can't you just mail it to me? And they're like no. I said, well what is it exactly? What do you need me to come down and sign? And she said, Well here's the thing. We got your transcripts. All of them. We've never seen anything like this before. She said you have 10 A's, two v's nine d's 10 f's and 11 w's because that's how i roll uh she said we your d's and your f's don't transfer you have a 3.83 gpa and you are eligible for the presidential scholarship you can't make this up I said I said uh so is what I'm hearing you say that you're thinking about like enrolling me in your school and she goes yes we don't we don'T give the presidential scholarship to students who aren't coming in the fall and I got so excited and I ran and told my boss and I took the day off and I drove to the admissions office and I could not get out of the car. See, I don't know how to let life be good. I don'T KNOW HOW TO ACCEPT THE ABUNDANCE THAT GOD HAS FOR ME. AND I'LL BE HONEST, I'M THAT GIRL. IF I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA WIN, I DONT WANNA PLAY. BECAUSE I'LL BE DEVASTATED. I'IL JUST BE DEvASTATed. IT WOULD JUST BE EASIER FOR ME TO STAY SMALL AND NOT BE DISAPPOINTED. I DONOT WANNA BE DISAPPOINTED AND SO I'M SITTING THERE IN MY CAR AND I'M TALKING TO GOD AND I'm saying, look, I know I'm not supposed to tell you that you're wrong. But you're pretty much wrong on this one. I've done terrible things to people. I've hurt more people than I can even recognize to make the amends to. Like I have destroyed lives. I have hurt communities. I appreciate this. But I can't do this. You know, thank you for the gift, but I can accept it. And I heard a voice in my head, but it wasn't between my ears. and it said, I'm not doing this for you. And I don't know how God speaks to you, but with me, it can't be about me. It really can't. Like I freak out even when people sing me happy birthday. Thank you, Zoom. I just, I don'T like attention. I get real anxious, but I can do anything if it means helping someone else because that's what you trained me to do. And so I walked into the admissions office and I signed the paperwork because I thought one day I might be in front of a group of people and be able to say, if you have an old idea, oh, you might be wrong. You might be right. You might not be wrong, it turns out as a result of me applying to that school and enrolling that God showed me gifts I didn't know I had. It's unbelievable. i keep in mind i got a sixth grade education y'all i'm in and out i'm a product of jails and institutions real jails and institutions i've never worked honestly in my life until i got sober and in 2005 i started school at shriner university and in 2007 i got my bachelor's degree and in 2010 i walked the stage again and i got my master's now on april the 27th of 2015 five years ago and two days uh two days after i turned 12 years sober i successfully defended my dissertation and i became dr speedlin i'm a phd from pole to PhD. I love it. Like, I can't think of a better story or a better life. This is how good God is y'all. I mean, they talk about how you can't out give God. I'm here to tell you that you can. There is no reason that I should be have a terminal degree right now. It shocks me every day, every day. So yeah, I, I wouldn't want a better, I wouldn't want any other story. It's funny, because when I applied for the university, the way that PhD programs work is you're only allowed to apply once a year. And they narrow down from 100 applications, they narrow it down to 20 for the interview, and they only accept eight for the year. I was one of the eight. And I remember talking to Tom I, because I didn't think I could do it. And he said, Stacy, when it's God's will, the wall's coming. come down. And, you know, Tom was the only person who could have said that to me because Tom became a warden of a penitentiary. He used to be a prisoner. And so when he said that, I could receive that. So when I got accepted to my doctorate program, there were like real students. You know what I mean? Those other students, those were like real students. Like they really went to college. They were members of clubs. they had pledged sororities and paternity, like they were real students. And so when I met them, they were like, so where did you matriculate from? And I told them Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, honestly, you're the only school I've ever gone to. You've given me everything I need. And so for anyone in here who is thinking about going to school, I'm going to say this to you, because not everybody has to go to school that gets sober, you know, but if you're thinking about it, let me say this to you. If I can do it, anybody can. And secondly, if you want to know how to do school, do it the way you do AA. Show up on time, read the book, ask questions. That's all you do. And it turns out you graduate. So I graduated from UTSA in 2015 and I got a call from the school and they asked me what I was doing. And I said, I don't know. And they said, well, we have a class that we were wondering if you'd be interested in teaching. And I said, well, what is the class? And they said crisis. I said why yes, I do have experience with that. So I started teaching the crisis class back in 2015 and taught that for a while and they added on another course and they add it on another force and I will tell you that today I am an assistant professor in practice. I am a full professor out at UTSA. I'm on their core faculty. Um, it's kind of weird sometimes because again, like I said, I don't know everything. And so my students will sometimes say things and I'm like, how do you know that? And they're like, Oh, Dr. Spiegel, we learned that in the 10th grade. And I'm like, oh, and they kind of look at me, they know I'm weird. Okay. They know I'M weird. They just have never figured out why, you know, and I can't begin to tell them, but I guess it doesn't matter. So it's been great. Uh, I'm still a college professor. I, uh, I have a small private practice down the street from where I live and I'm an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous in good standing. And that's the most important thing I can tell you. I can tell you this morning when I woke up, I logged on to zoom and met with my sponsor and some of my sober siblings and, and life is good. Uh I did also marry a judge. I won't get into all of that. That's kind of weird, but Hey, you know, I'm at a point now where God can do anything and I just don't question. So one last story that I have to tell, this is my favorite story. Oh my God. I'm so excited. I love to tell this story. It's my favorite history. I've had so many stories since I've been sober, but this one's my favourite. Okay. So I get asked to talk in Alcoholics Anonymous every now and then I've Been in different places all over the country and I've spoken in other countries. I've been doing that since I was about four years sober, and honestly, I don't know why. I really don't. I have no clue on why that is, but I've been told not to ask, just to say yes. So I do until they stop asking. And one year, I got asked to speak in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin in November, and I thought, oh God, that is cold. like, oh, I'm from Texas. Like we don't have snow where I live, but that's okay. So I said, yes, I would be honored to speak. And so the way that it works is usually a host will pick you up from the airport and drive you to the hotel room, you know, to the motel where you can check in. And they're just kind of around for the weekend in case you get hungry. Andso the host picked me up. I had landed in the Chicago airport and she picked me up and she drove me to Lake Geneva, of Wisconsin to this gigantic hotel. I swear to God, y'all, I've never seen anything like it before. It was huge and it was absolutely beautiful. Like the biggest hotel I've ever seen in my life. Itwas gaudy. It Was stunning. ItWas gorgeous. There was this big Christmas tree in the middle of the foyer and the Christmas tree was so big. The ornaments were like the size of my head, right? And there were thousands of gingerbread houses everywhere. I'm not exaggerating. I know alcoholics, we exaggerate. I am not. This was really the way it was. It was absolutely gorgeous. And so I went up to the concierge and I asked him, I said, excuse me, I have never seen a hotel like this before. What is this? Is this a Marriott? Is it an Omni? What is this? And he said, oh, no, no. No, ma'am. This is not a chain hotel. This is a privately owned hotel. And I said, Oh, well, this is nice. I don't know. And he goes, he says to me, do you not know where you are? And I said, No, no Where am I? He said, Ma'am, you're at the old Playboy Mansion. Okay. I've always thought that I should be invited to the Playboy Mansion. I just didn't know that I had to get sober to do it. Oh, God. Yes. Yes, all my tacky wild dreams have come true thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous. Oh my God. Okay, so yeah, yeah. And so these are just some stories that have happened to me, but I will tell you that the big book tells me the most satisfactory years of my existence lie ahead. Who knows? The next time we see each other, I may have other stories. So to the newcomer, this program goes far beyond not drinking one day at a time. It's been my experience. You can work this program just enough to pick up a chip once a year or you can be rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence how free do you want to be that's the question they asked me how free Do You Want To Be because my experience is you can be really free in Alcoholics Anonymous if you're willing to be on all three sides of the triangle and I suggest you find you a three legacy sponsor that works all three sites of the triangle just do what we do just get in the middle of AlcoholicsAnonymous and I promise you. I promise you, life will be beyond your wildest dreams. And it hasn't been easy. I mean, I've got a lot of stuff going on right now. We're quarantined. My mom got hurt today and I've had a lawsuit that my family is dealing with. But you know what? As long as I am sober, as long as i am sober and available to the alcoholic who still suffers, God takes care of the rest. That's how that works. We just take care of his kids. We stay sober in Alcoholics synonymous, and he takes care of us. Great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the great fact for us. My weekend has been tremendously better because I was here with you. I pray that you all were the same. God bless you all. Thank you for my life.