Tom B. – Recovery – Bill Wilson and Emotional Dependencies – 2020

About This Speaker Tape

Tom B. Jr. dismantles the myth that recovery is a simple matter of quitting drinking and living happily ever after.

He maps out a progression of sobriety—from mere abstinence to the 'terrible twos' of spiritual infancy, and eventually toward a 'purity of heart' that allows for clarity of thought. Central to his talk is the concept of emotional sobriety, contrasted with 'emotional inebriety,' where a person's self-worth is entirely dependent on the approval of others. Tom shares the wreckage of his own life: the loss of the woman he loved in 1991, bouts of suicidal ideation, and a history of 'sick sex' and borderline relationships.

He argues that the root of this instability is self-hate and perfectionism, which can only be cured through rigorous honesty, the surrender of the ego, and a commitment to a life of giving without expectation.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Tom opens with a humorous observation about his friend Earl's hyperactivity.
• 4:12 Discussion on the difference between incidental knowledge and real learning as a permanent change in behavior.
• 7:30 Tom describes the stages of sobriety, including the 'terrible twos' of spiritual infancy.
• 11:15 Introduction to the concept of Emotional Sobriety and the danger of over-dependence on others.
• 15:40 Tom shares the wreckage of 1991: the loss of his partner and his subsequent suicidal thinking.
• 19:20 Analysis of Bill Wilson's letter on 'The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety' and the dependency demand cycle.
• 25:10 Tom defines 'emotional inebriety' and provides a diagnostic checklist of self-worth issues.
• 31:45 The 'five-year menopause' and the risk of relapse when life looks good but the inside feels empty.
• 38:10 Tom discusses the 'root of the alcoholic's problem': selfishness and self-centeredness (referencing Big Book pages 60-62).
• 44:20 Deep dive into self-hate as the primary barrier to emotional sobriety.
• 52:15 The role of surrender and sacrifice in changing one's character.
• 58:30 Closing thoughts on the power of giving without expectation and being gentle with oneself.