Tom B. – Recovery – Bill Wilson and Emotional Dependencies – 2020

Damn, Sam. I'm wired up here, y'all. I was, anyway. Anybody know how to work this thing? Where's that taper? I want to choke him. I got it. You see his coat? It's coming off. My name's Tom Brady, Jr. I'm an alcoholic. Did y'all notice this afternoon that Earl's hyperactive? I love to visit Earl. How many times did you say hyperactive, Bob? Did you count it? I go out to visit Earl, and I sit there in the chair and watch him go by. Just zip, zip, zip. This lady I go with named Eileen, she's just like him, and I watch them both go by zip, zip. Makes me tired just to watch them. Anybody who heard Bob this afternoon and Earl tonight and still believes that recovery, is a matter of quitting drinking and living happily ever after. I'd suggest to you, you need a battery of psychological tests. Now, Earl's a sweet man. He's one of my dearest friends in all the world. I love him with all my heart. And I've learned more from him, because he kind of forces things on you. He sends me a case of books at a time, and he'll call me in a couple days and say, Have you finished those yet? You know, 12 books at a time. It's pre-AA literature, you know, and it's been fascinating to read it. And here comes a case of books. I mentioned to him one time, he does things in volume, that I like his homemade pecan sauce. He sent me 12 jars of it. I gave it to everybody. He's a sweet man. He's one of the best living examples of what this program can do on the face of this earth. Now, Bob this afternoon, I want to tell him I appreciate his talk on the 12 steps, relative to... to his latent homosexuality. I was going to say that, but you took it away. He's a good man. I'm fascinated by what he said this afternoon. I asked him after the first session to please quit stepping on my toes. And some of you probably felt the same way. One of the best presentations on the steps I've ever heard, Bob. And his message. The overriding message that I got out of it is in spiritual growth, the job is never done. We never arrive. Now, if some of you are feeling a dilemma now about your wishful thinking about recovery, I'm going to add to it. Because the message of Alcoholics Anonymous never was run naked in the woods, beat on a drum, sing three choruses of Kumbaya, pat your butterfly on the ass, and fly off to glory. But that's what a lot of people seem to think it is now. You know, well, I'm here. When do I get happy? And I know because that's the way I was. Now, I don't make this presentation at AA conferences. That's the reason I got notes with me tonight. I was asked to do this, and it's the first time, probably the last time I'm ever going to do this at a conference. I'm going to do it again. I'm going to do it again. I've never done this at a conference. But I learned I was already on the program, so there wasn't much I could do about it. And I feel special, you know. Bob and I both get to talk twice. And I always like being special anyway, you know. Many people out there are looking for new ways to recover and new ways to deal with the problems in sobriety. And I'm not. And I'm not for the simple reason that I'm convinced we already have a way. And it was talked about very eloquently by Earl tonight and by Bob this afternoon. It's a way which has worked so consistently and so well and so long for so many. That's the 12-step way. It's worked so well for me that I've now been sober for over 31 years. And I'm grateful for that. Yet an old boy lived up in Luray, Virginia, named Julian B. And Julian used to tell a story about an old boy who went down to a flea market and bought him a bull fiddle. It didn't have but one string on it. And he stood on the front porch and plunked that damn one string all day long. About to drive his wife crazy. She went downtown, went grocery shopping, came back. She says, you're not doing that right. And he's just plunking away, you know. He said, oh. She said, yeah, there's a man downtown. He had four strings on his bull fiddle, and he was playing different notes. Old boy just plunked right on. Said, I guess he's looking for something. I found what I want. Never tried to hit him. Say too much sometimes. Someone's a long way off six sticks. Make them through hard work, and have no men or terrorism. Which nobody cares about or can. It's a discoverer's secret. But we got Quickly mode for as many groups as there are guys on the other end. So quickly. And the idea is there to 10 to the offense. To the half. Receive your money right. See your environment. And get to the right% speed. And that's the way I feel. We learned our lesson from the crash in junior high. So we'll continue using confidence, equipment, cheap coaching. See every bit of it. A對啊 high, By far. Like when you just have your headphones reflecting every night off to fix questions, click the buzz-up. the sense that some of us learned, quote, unquote, when we went to school. You go to school, you sit in rows, you get this information, you spit it back on Friday, and you forget it. That's not learning. That's incidental to learning. Gaining a bunch of knowledge is incidental. It means nothing. Real learning is what this program gives to us if we're very careful about it. Real learning is a permanent change in behavior that's brought about by sustained practice of the knowledge that you gain. You do it, and you do it, and you do it, and you do it, and you're transformed, and you don't know why. But you know it has something to do with this program. Now, the more we learn, the more we grow. And we change. Now, I'm convinced that sobriety that I'm talking about tonight, it's not just for alcoholics. It's for all who want to grow spiritually. So what I say tonight should apply to everyone here, alcoholic or not. As we progress, you know, in recovery, we move through certain stages or levels of sobriety. This surprises some people. It doesn't surprise me anymore. You know, in the first stage, sobriety is just abstinence. You just put the plug in the jug. And then if you pursue the program of recovery, there comes a station in this progress called rebirth. And it's more than a two-syllable, seven-letter word. It is the beginning of this transformational process which changes us deeply. And then comes infancy. You see, second birth is just like first birth. We're going to go through the same stages we went through the first time. Any of you remember going through the terrible twos? You know, I remember my little girl when she went through the terrible twos. She got some spaghetti. She had beautiful blonde hair and had it all in her hair and was banging on the high chair for more. And that was me in the terrible twos. Hell, I knew everything. Why ask anybody else everything? Walking on water was old hat to me, man. You know, it's just I was so brilliant and so spiritual that I went home and told my wife, you know, if you don't straighten up, you're going to have to get the hell out. Because I'm so spiritual. Now, that's the way an infant would act, isn't it? And I needed somebody to change my diapers. And the group did, you know, and I had a cradle to live in called an AA group, just like every infant needs. And I'm talking literally the terrible twos. And we go through other stages. We go through a stage I'll talk about later called five-year menopause. And in each level, the meaning of sobriety expands and changes. Until we reach the very highest level of sobriety. It's called purity of heart. Now, we'll forget a friend of mine. He said, You can get together with me on Sunday mornings and we'd read together. Jim E. from up in Charlotte. Some of you know him. The Charlotte contingent's over here. Don't pay any attention to him. And we got in this book called Ophelia. And it's a book about some ancient monks, desert fathers, they called them, who practiced the interior prayer of the heart. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. Over and over and over. This was their mantra. And in reading through this one day, all these guys talked about, Oh, sobriety. These are not drunks. And they're always talking about sobriety. And we turned in this book one day to get something to think about and talk about and meditate upon. And the line said, In the final analysis, sobriety is purity of heart. Now, think about that for a minute. That's a long jump from abstinence, isn't it? It's a long jump from infancy and the terrible twos. It's a long jump for everybody. And purity of heart, I think, means clarity of thought. Which leads to consistently good behavior and clear perception of yourself and others. The blinders come off. A total acceptance of self and others. Unconditional love for self and others. Self-respect. Absolute surrender to God. Total integrity. Maximum service to God and others. And as the scriptures say, and it's not conference approved, but I'm going to go ahead and say it anyway. Blessed is the pure in heart. For what? They shall see God. That's a pretty high mark, isn't it? And yet that's what these desert fathers said that sobriety was in the final analysis. And on the way towards this highest level, which in all probability none of us will ever reach. There's a level through which everyone who is in the process of sobriety will inevitably pass. And this stage is where we're going to be. And it's what Bill Wilson called emotional sobriety. And that's what I'm going to talk to you about tonight. You know, this is a we world. It's a world of relationships, of interdependency. We of all people should know the power of the word we. The power of connection with others and with God. We should really appreciate that. I left to my own devices, couldn't be sober ten seconds. You left to your own devices, couldn't be sober ten seconds. Every one of us is entirely without power. And yet when we... We connect. We have power and more to go around. Now you explain that, I can't. But I know there's great power in community. It's been said that each of us is the only one who can give the other what each of us needs to have. All of us like to receive support, approval, love from other people. We need these things to reinforce what we feel and believe about ourselves. And when we accept input from others properly, it gives support to what we know, feel, and love. We can believe about ourselves and we're healthy. But when we become too dependent on what others say about us or do to us, our beliefs and feelings about ourselves can become based on their input only. And when this happens, we get sick. Now the last six years in my personal life, and I'll talk about this Sunday morning, not too much right now, have been the worst I've ever had in sobriety in terms of what has happened to me. I, like many of you, was very surprised. I was very surprised when the world didn't change when I got sober. And the last six years have been a lot of sickness, a lot of death, cancer, emphysema, high blood pressure, deep venous thromboflebitis. I'm a walking time bomb. Okay? But the thing that stands out in my mind was the woman that I loved most of all on the face of God's earth leaving me in 1991. Now I hit bottom again. I went beyond grief. I went into real mourning. I went into suicidal thinking. I sincerely asked God every night not to let me wake up the next morning. I begged to die. I'd go to bed at night and mark another day off the calendar and thank God, well, that's gone. You know, one less day I have to live. I turned around to this. And during this period of time, when I was scraping absolute bottom emotionally and spiritually, I think, I came upon this article by Bill Wilson. It was a letter. It was a letter. That he had written to another old timer. Mind you, an old timer. And it appeared in grapevine in January 1958. And it was entitled The Next Frontier, Colon, Emotional Sobriety. And Bill talked about the issue of over dependence on other people. Using himself as an example. He tells why in this article, even though he was practicing the principles of AA in his life, he was not experiencing the joy and peace he thought he should feel from doing this. Although he was living the life, he still felt insecure, insignificant, and virtually worthless. He knew he was doing what was right and good, yet he did not feel good about himself. And depression, his old enemy, he said, was just around the corner. And he knew it. And by looking at his life, he discovered that he was and had been almost totally dependent on other groups or people to make him feel good about himself. He needed other people in order to give him approval, to give him prestige, to give him security. And what's more, he was demanding these things of these people. In the article, I'll just read part of it to you. He said, suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence, almost absolute dependence on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionistic dreams and expectations, I had failed. I fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression. Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies on people, upon AA, indeed upon any set of circumstances whatsoever. . . . Plainly, I could not avail myself of God's love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others as He would have me. . . . And I couldn't possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies. . . . For my dependency meant demand, a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me. . . . In short, Bill discovered, after 23 plus years of sobriety, that he was a believer in God's love and the potential of His faithfulness. . . . Even though it was not the case for Bill's own self-preservation, he did not want to give up his faith to God. He did not want to give up his faith to God. . . Even though he was a believer in God's love and his faithfulness to God. . . And he was not willing to give up his faith to God. . . emotionally un-sober. He had become dependent on others to provide him with the feelings which should have come to him from himself as a result of his own actions. And it was his article plus my own experience of being very emotionally un-sober which set me to thinking and more than that, doing some things. And I'm going to share these with you tonight. Now, I'm not a psychiatrist. Thank God for that. But I victimized quite a few of them. And I'm not an expert. Last expert I heard was an expert on marriage. Man, she's got tape. She's making millions of dollars. Selling them all over this country. Bitch been married eight times. Now, she knows a lot about how to get in the relationship. But how about staying in them? I've almost come to believe that alcoholism and relationships are almost mutually exclusive. Un-sobering, inclusive terms. There are two terms I'm going to use with you tonight. Emotional sobriety and emotional inebriety. Or if you prefer, un-soberness. Let me try to explain them in a little red hand language, which is all I can understand. Emotional sobriety, loosely defined, is when what I know to be true about myself and what I believe and feel about myself are pretty much consistent. In other words, I'm emotionally sober. when my beliefs and feelings about me match the facts about me. When I'm emotionally sober, if the facts show I'm a good person, I believe I'm a good person and I feel good about myself. And when I'm emotionally sober, the input of others affects me, but it does not determine what I believe and how I feel about myself. Self-respect, self-worth, and any other positive feelings about myself come from within me. I have what Bob mentioned this afternoon, integrity. Integrity. That's become a very important word to me. Emotional unsoberness, on the other hand, exists when what I believe and feel about myself is inconsistent, sometimes totally so, with what is obviously true about me. That is, my beliefs and feelings about me don't match the facts about me. And when I'm emotionally unsober, even though the facts clearly show I'm a good person, I can't seem to believe I am. Nor do I feel good about myself. And when I'm emotionally unsober, the input of others almost totally determines what I believe and how I feel about me. I, like Bill Wilson, look to others to give me good feelings, to give me self-esteem, a feeling of self-worth, a sense of belonging. In short, this is how crazy it is, I depend on others to tell me how to feel about me. Think about that. Now, now, any emotionally sober and unsober people out here? You know, you don't have to be an alcoholic in recovery to be emotionally sober or unsober. Let me ask you a few questions. I'm not going to ask you to raise your hands or anything. I would pass it out and grade it, but you'd all fly. Question. Yes or no? Do you accept criticism well? Are you usually hurt or angered by criticism? Do you have a difficult time accepting compliments? Do others think more highly of you than you do of yourself? Do you depend on others to make you feel good about yourself? Anybody flunking yet? Does what others say about you unduly influence your feelings and beliefs about yourself? Do you often do a good job and know it yet don't feel good about it? Do you often feel like a loser even though you know you're a good person? Do you often put yourself down? Looking honestly at your life, do you treat yourself very well? Do you treat others better than you treat yourself? Do you do nice things for others in order to get attention or compliments? When you express love for someone, are you hurt? When he or she doesn't respond in kind? Do you often feel afraid even though you know everything is okay? Do you often feel you're not enough? Do you often feel you're falling short of what you should be and what you should do? Does it bother you a great deal when you know that someone dislikes or disapproves of you? Do you kiss ass to make them feel bad? Do you kiss ass to make them feel bad? Do you kiss ass to make them feel bad? like you? That wasn't one of the questions, by the way. Do you often refrain from doing or saying what you know you should for fear of how others may react to it? Do your feelings depend on how your significant other is treating you? Bob, what are you covering up for? Do you feel you're a good person no matter what others may think? How'd you do? If you answered several of these questions, and I have a feeling some of you did in the affirmative, you're probably emotionally un-sober to some degree. Although emotional un-soberness is not confined to those in recovery, it's especially important to them because it is a stage in recovery through which those in recovery will invariably pass. You can put that in the bank. Maybe not just once, either. And it can be very dangerous to them. At the least, it can preclude a happy, serene, and meaningful sobriety, and at worst, it can and often does lead to relapse. Two things make it very dangerous. First, the person is usually not aware of what it is nor of its presence in his life. And second, when he becomes aware of it and knows what it is, he can't seem to change it. He doesn't know how. Let's look at these two dangers one at a time. The first danger is he's not aware of it. Why is a person not aware of the presence of emotional inebriety or un-soberness? The first reason is the simplest. Most people in recovery don't even know there is such a thing. I didn't. Second, because it usually represents a lifelong pattern of behavior which has become a part of the person's deepest self, his character. And because of this, it operates automatically and un-substantially. And that's why we're talking about the first danger. The second danger is that we're not aware of it. The first danger is that we're not aware of it. The first danger is that we're not aware of it. The first danger is that we're not aware of it. The first danger is that we're not aware of it. It's automatically and unconsciously just like a tape recording. A certain button is pushed and I do this. Another button is pushed and I do that. Other people can tell you precisely what I'm going to do in any given situation. It's obvious to them and I'm not aware of it. It's an unconscious, habitual, almost instinctual response based on my internal values and beliefs and perceptions and feelings and experiences. That's what dictates my behavior, my character. And isn't it something? Isn't it something that operates in a way that's un-substantial? Isn't it something that operates in a way that's un-substantial? Isn't it something that operates beneath my own consciousness? The tape starts playing, you know? I'm not aware of it. Just automatic. Third, when it shows up, it doesn't give a clear picture of itself. It usually shows up as a group of symptoms which could indicate a number of problems. Some of these symptoms of emotional inebriety, other than the questions you answered, could be things like a lingering feeling. I don't mean a passing feeling. A lingering feeling. That all is not well. A continuing sense of uneasiness. Feeling down. A dull, continuous sense of anxiety. A feeling of worthlessness. And because these symptoms could indicate several conditions, emotional unsovereignness is often misdiagnosed, usually as depression. It's amazing how many people get in this stage in recovery and are diagnosed with depression. They're diagnosed as being clinically depressed. Don't get me wrong. There are people who are clinically depressed. But then there's emotional inebriety. And when you're going through that stage, Prozac and Zoloft ain't going to help you. What makes the condition so more problematic is that it usually doesn't show up until the person is well into recovery. And when it does show up, it does so as the vague group of symptoms I mentioned. And usually the person is doing his best to practice the program of recovery. So he simply can't understand the problem. He doesn't understand why, since he's doing his best, he feels so bad. Good example of this. When I was a couple of years sober, two of my really good friends in my home group picked up five-year tokens and got drunk almost immediately. It blew my mind. It scared me. I never knew anybody got drunk again. And two of them, bang, bang, within three weeks of each other. I said to my sponsor, what is happening here? He said, go to the hospital and ask Lewis. That was his last guy's name. And I went up there. You know what he described to me? What I've just described to you. Everything in my life was roses, man. But I felt worthless and uneasy and scared all the time, you know? And I reached for the only thing that I knew would relieve all these symptoms at that point in time. And I went back to my sponsor and I told him what Lewis had said. And he said, now we got a name for that, son, in North Carolina. And I said, what is that? He said, it's five-year menopause. I cannot tell you how many people have had menopause. I can't tell you how many people have had menopause. I can't tell you how many people have had menopause. I can't tell you how many people have come to me over the years, Bob, expressing these very feelings. Things couldn't be any better in their lives. But they're not happy. They don't feel useful. They're empty inside, you know? And you know what I tell them? And they don't like it. It's time to join Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't mean with alcohol. It's not related to alcohol anymore. Alcohol has nothing to do with it. What I mean is begin to do this thing as a way of living. There are surrenders beyond surrenders. There are more surrenders. There are more surrenders. There are more surrenders. There are more surrenders. There are more surrenders. There are more surrenders. There are more surrenders. There are more surrenders. You're in trouble. You're in trouble. These steps worked on the worst problem you've ever had in your life. Who is to say they won't work on this one too, my friend? Can you surrender to your present condition and begin back at step one? Join AA. It's a way of living. It's a design for living. That's what the big book says. You know, we prance so much around about talking about alcoholism as a disease, I think we've belittled it. It's a way of life. And so is recovery. It's a way of life. It's not a cure. What makes it even more of a problem, if it's not a problem enough, is it usually is not clearly, note that word, identified, if indeed it's identified at all, until that person is quite advanced in recovery. Bill Wilson, you know, 23 plus years. And his letter, he wrote, he wrote, he wrote, he wrote, he wrote, he wrote, he wrote, he wrote. About the Design of Drunkenness. About the Design of Drunkenness. It's on page 135 of the New York Times. And the letter, I'll point out, it's on page 236 in the language of the heart, if you want to read it sometimes. Okay? Was written to an old timer and referred to other oldsters in alcoholics and all. Okay? Me, I was 26 plus years sober. Before I became fully aware of what was going on. Now, mind you, Bill W., he had an inkling of what was going wrong. Remember in his story when he had to be on top in everything he did. Will you Ms. Hop in. Everything he did. Because he couldn't sing, he had to lead the chorus. Because he couldn't play, he had to lead the band. He had to do everything. You're looking at it here. Whatever was lacking, I gained control of. And I gained it quickly. And when he was without all of these accomplishments, what did he feel like? Depressed. Depressed. I was aware that things were not well with me for a long time. But I couldn't put my finger on it. In Bill's case and in my case, and I'm not trying to compare the two of us except in this sense, it took a crisis. With him, it was a, oh, my God, not another depression. After all these years of depression. Oh, please, not another depression. It was a crisis. He had to look. And with me, it was Lisa walking out of my life. Now, hopefully, if you listen tonight, you won't have to have a crisis. You won't have to have a crisis to begin to deal with it. You know? God, I wish I'd known about this a long time ago. I'm not saying I'd have done anything about it, but I wish I'd known about it. I'd have said, oh, that's an interesting idea. I'll wait until I'm 26 years sober and fall apart. And I think it needs to be shared. And it frightens some people. They say, my God, is that what I have to look forward to? You know, do I have to lose $8 million and $2 million? No, you can lose a couple hundred like me. You know? Bankruptcy is bankruptcy. You know? Do I have to go through all this like a friend of mine said at home? Lee C. told me one day, Tom Fitt told me how many things I was powerless over when I got here and how many times I'd go out to surrender. I'd have never joined this damn outfit. Powerlessness is a state of being. It can be in a cursed state of being or the most blessed state of being on the face of the earth. When you just sit there and say, I can't do it. You should do it. You should do it. You should do it. You should do it. You should do it. You should do it. The nature of emotional unibriety, that even though the person's doing well and knows it, something deep inside him refuses to let him experience the appropriate feelings he should have about himself, nor is he able to believe he's a worthwhile person and that all is well. His feelings and beliefs are not consistent with what he knows to be true about himself and his life. Okay? I had this brought forcefully to my attention by a friend. We used to get together, my wife, his wife, and our kids, and sit around and have breakfast on Saturday morning. And these people were always telling me what a wonderful person I was. And that made the hair stand up on my back. I didn't know why, but it did. And every time they'd say something like that, I'd throw it right back to them. And they infuriated me this morning. My friend says to me, I am damn sick and tired of giving you compliments and having you slap me in the face with them. Of telling you I love you and having you reject me by throwing it back at me. And I'm in my grand glory by then. Well, I said, if I'm so damn wonderful, why don't you all take a positive inventory of me? Ha, ha. And I stomped out the door. My wife did. He did. His wife did. And their oldest daughter did. They sent me down with, I said, I'll get around to it. They had stacked that high of paper. They said, you're going to read it now. I never will forget. I went in the den. I sat down and read what they had written. Every bit of it was true. And I could not accept it. You get frightened, you know, and insecure. That's an understatement. I didn't like me and I didn't like my life. Everybody else did. Most people thought I was doing pretty good. And I'd say, well, yeah. But I didn't buy it. What does a person usually do? All too often, he drinks again. And if he doesn't relapse, he seeks from other persons, groups, or activities, like gambling, Bob, the approval and comfort he can't seem to find. Most often, he'll get into sick sex or emotional religiosity, I call it. It's not real religion. It's religious. It's religiosity. He may start smoking again, Bob. And I feel for him. Please, I'm not putting you down or laughing at it. Hell, I ain't. I got into sick sex. I went crazy. I went absolutely crazy. Beautiful redhead walked in my office down to college. I said, can I help you? He said, yeah. I said, what do you want? She said, you. I said, who? And for the next seven years, I was nuts. She bounced me around like a rubber ball. Why is it that we attract borderline personalities? Why is it? I wondered. You know, one moment they're loving you to death. The next moment, they're trying to kill you. That woman kicked me in the testicles every chance she had. And I hung in there, man. You know what I said to myself? Someday, somehow, if I just handle it right, I will be able to control and enjoy this redhead. Then there was a brunette. And then I didn't have any more control over any of them. I just bounced me all over the world. I went nuts. Trying to screw my way to heaven. An orgasm is heavenly, I'll tell you that. But it ain't the path to glory, I'll tell you that. I didn't know what was wrong. You know? Some people whose lives are meaningless, you know, they go into this emotional religiosity, man. You know what I'm talking about? The lady in my neighborhood, she's the best example I ever had of that. The woman was not well. And she got in this fundamentalist church, and she got sicker. And she come over there one day, and she said, You know what happened to me last Sunday in church? I said, No. She said, I said, Hallelujah, and froze, just like that. I said, Well, who the hell did that help? And she just went to cussing me like you wouldn't believe, man. I don't recall Jesus saying a damn thing about freezing. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Whatever it is that we get into, we fall into this syndrome. This whole group of symptoms. The emotional unsober syndrome. What Bill called the dependency demand cycle. It's based on false beliefs. Listen. And it's grounded always in fear. It consists of some or all of the following. Question time. again. A continuing sense of uneasiness, putting yourself down, seeking approval, acceptance, and emotional security from someone and or something else. I got out on the circuit in Alcoholics Anonymous when I was three years sober, okay? And I'm going to tell you something now that I couldn't have told you for a long time because I didn't know it. Until the people stood and applauded, I didn't amount to nothing. And five minutes after they sat down, I didn't amount to nothing. You hear me? I needed that so bad, and I didn't know it. And today I realized it. You know what I said? If you all applaud, be fine. If you don't, I ain't going to die. God, what a feeling of relief that was, you know? And I didn't realize that, you know? Seek constant reassurance. Never getting enough approval. It's like being insatiable. Do you love me? Yeah, honey. Really? Yeah. How much? How long? Were you always? Feeling like a victim. Bob talked about this. Blaming others when your needs aren't met. These insatiable needs I'm talking about. Trying to control and possess another or others to ensure the fulfillment of your needs. Doing these things. Again, please, unconsciously and automatically. If I did these things deliberately, I would be evil. But if I do them unconsciously and automatically, I'm not evil. I'm sick. Please note the difference. Intention does play a big part. This pattern of behavior always leads to failure. Why? Well, if your needs are insatiable, you never get enough. So you try harder. You push people. You push them. You push them and you drive them away. Then you end up without those you think you need to meet your needs. Hell of a situation, isn't it? And your fear deepens and you try again. But your own behavior ensures that you're going to continue to fail. The big book. I read it one time. Covers this syndrome in masterful detail. Pages 60 to 62. Each person's like an actor who wants to run the whole show. It's forever trying to arrange the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Think about it. Masterful detail. And it calls it quite aptly the root of the alcoholic's problem. Think about it. Right? The root, not a root. Selfishness, self-centeredness. And then it lays that term on us. That is the most apropos thing on the face of God's earth. And I mentioned the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot. You know, undiscovered, this syndrome can severely damage or even destroy your life. I'm not overstating that. I came that close. Discovered. It can be dealt with. It can be dealt with in such a way that your growth will be enhanced. Are some of you or any of you caught up in this syndrome? I'm not asking for a show of hands. If you're not sure, observe yourself for a few days. Watch for the syndrome or one of its manifestations. And one of the commonest manifestations is usually called people pleasing. Like all forms of the syndrome, it's based on false beliefs and it's grounded in fear. But if it's not pleasing in other forms, it always fails. People pleasing, the belief. Pleasing others will beget love and approval, etc., etc., etc. Not pleasing others will beget abandonment, rejection, the deepest fear of all human beings, the fear of being left alone. The people pleaser tries to please to get love and approval. If these are not forthcoming, he tries more. If he does this in one-to-one relationships, what happens? It's like a game of chess. It's like a game of chess. It's like a game of chess. It's like a game of chess. It's like a game of chess. In my experience, he places his emotions and life, without knowing it, in the hands of the significant other. He looks to the other to fill all his needs. He puts the other in the center of his life, makes him or her, as it were, his god. Idolatry plays a big part in our disease. He brings herself to be a person of God, instead of being a person of all people, plus all physical objects. Multiculturalism plays a big part. It puts others first instead of himself. Of course, decision-making is crucial. Has he thought too far? If there's no mutual support, you must compromise with those moments. needs, you will, because of fear, put such pressure on the other that you'll drive him or her away. And thus you will bring to pass the very thing you feared, abandonment. People pleasing in all other forms of emotional unsoberness, you see, are self-fulfilling prophecies. And they're goaded on by fear. There's a statement of the person in the Bible, I forget who it was, Lo, that which I much feared has come upon me. Think about that. In the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. The fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It was an evil and corroding thread. Listen, it set in motion trains of circumstances, which brought us misfortune. We felt we didn't deserve. Fear sets in motion trains of circumstances that bring about the very thing that we fear. Please think about that. Second thing which is so dangerous about emotional unsoberness is that even when you become aware of it, you seem to change it. You know, try as he might, he can't seem to be rid of it. It seems to have a life of its own. It goes into motion automatically. And the truth is, it does have a life of its own. For it's become an integral part of his character. And the only way he can be rid of it is through that profound change that Bob was talking about today. A change in character. Now, character is what I really am. It's that set of internal traits like values and beliefs, memories, experiences, these things I mentioned before that cause me to behave in certain ways. Personality is what you see out here. I can put on a mask and you think I'm anything. But my character, you can see in my behavior. I can tell you that so-and-so is valuable to me. And if my behavior does not support that, I'm a liar. Look at the behavior. Trace it. Why do you think the inventory does that? Trace your behavior. Back to the source. Your fault. The source of it. Character defects, you know, are traits that we have which operate unconsciously, habitually, automatically to your detriment and or mine. They are hurtful traits of character. And they have a life of their own. And unless we expose them to the light, they grow and flourish. Now, such a change. A change in character can be accomplished only by the most strenuous effort plus grace. Plus grace. It's almost like in a very real way, grace many times is God's reaction to my action. My willing action. Yeah, the boy is going to try. I'm going to help him. But if the boy sits there inactive. I don't believe God's going to help him. Sad thing about this whole thing is that most who are emotionally unsober will remain that way the rest of their lives. Why? Some will never be aware of it. Others, though aware, won't know what to do to change it. And others who know what they must do to change it will not be willing to put forth the effort to do so. Only those who become aware that they're emotionally unsober understand the nature of the problem, have a way to deal with it, and put forth maximum effort will be able to grow away from it. And let me tell you something. Even though they grow, they may never be totally rid of it. Because it runs so . . . It's important to understand that. It's important to understand that. It's important we not overlook something which I think is vital to this matter. You know, we've looked at emotional unsoberness, its nature, some of its chief manifestations. It's good as far as it goes. But where does it all begin? What are the basic causes of it? Where does it come from? What is this something deep inside me which refuses to let me, even though I'm a good person, feel good about me and believe I'm a good person? What is it? I ain't got time tonight to get into that. I ain't got time tonight to get into that. I'm not going to get into a thorough coverage. So I'll point some ways and maybe you can find it. I want to call your attention to what I'm convinced is the most significant cause of the entire problem. The chief barrier to emotional sobriety. And what I believe to be the most malignant character defect of all. Let me call your attention to self-hate. Hate is reversed self-love. It's narcissists frowning at themselves in the water. It's just as ego-centered, it's just as arrogant. But it's the opposite extreme from narcissism. It consists of a set of unconscious beliefs about the self. For instance, think about this. I always believed I wasn't worth loving. And so the people who tried to love me, I hurt. I hurt them bad. They had the audacity to try to love me. I didn't know I was doing this. I wonder why am I doing this? This is bad behavior. And the hate deepened. I thought I was worthless. I felt like a complete failure. In the face of great success, Bob, I felt like a complete failure. I remember telling a psychiatrist once, he said, describe yourself to me. I said, I'm 22 years old. And without hesitation, you know what I said? I'm the sorriest son of a bitch on the face of God's earth. And y'all, I didn't hear what I said. That's what I totally believed. And I didn't hear it. All these beliefs are negative and false. Where does self-hate come from? Alcoholism? No. Although reinforced and magnified by alcoholism, these beliefs about yourself don't come from alcoholism. I remember feeling like a failure when I was five years old. I didn't fit in when I was five years old. The fact is, these beliefs usually precede alcoholism and may last well into recovery, as we've seen. In my opinion, these beliefs result from, number one, perfection. Number two. Number one, perfectionism. Possibly as a result of significant childhood influences. I'm not telling you to blame your mama or blame your daddy. But if they influenced you to be a perfectionist, if they demanded perfection of you, forgive them and accept what you are and go to work on it. The bonding of the guilt and the shame and the remorse of your lifetime. Bob talked about shame this afternoon. This in," tends to mean failure in the relationship to a perfect world having expecting a perfect world full of good & bad. I grow up to have good will to STEPHANIE. I think a perfectionist is all about perfectionism, but it freely influences bad guys as they excessive. They sabotage themselves. An old friend up in North Carolina named Manny Burger, he's dead now, he's a wonderful man. And he used to talk and he'd blow my mind. I didn't know what he was talking about. He'd say, and then things got good and that was bad. What the hell is he talking about? I want things to get good. And I look back in my life. Guess when I drank? When there was no reason to drink. In the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, it says, we may have special talents and abilities and he uses these to build a bright outlook for himself and his family and then pulls the whole structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees. For a self-hater, when things get good, that's bad. Something inside says, uh-oh, things are good. Screw it up. And that sounds silly, but it's serious. Oh, they treat themselves like they're a good person. That's bad. Self-haters, too. They put themselves down. Often. Now, if you want to find out how you really feel about yourself, take one day. One day. Hell, take two hours. And watch how many times you put yourself down during that day. A man wrote a whole book on these things one time called Vultures. The father of values clarification, Sid Simon, wrote this book. And vultures, you know, are those self-put-downs. And he said, the thing about vultures, if you don't spot them and get rid of them right away, the whole flock comes and lands on your shoulder. Self-put-downs. Watch for them. Negating compliments. You did a good job. Ah, here's five reasons why I didn't. You know? Y'all don't do that, do you? Just automatically spit it back. I'll tell you one thing. Looking back on my life, if anyone had treated me as bad as I treated me, I'd have killed them. I'd have killed them. It's the truth. It's the truth. Self-haters are totally unable to tolerate criticism. It's almost like they're saying to the person, don't you dare criticize me. That's my job. Isn't that weird? They always hurt those who love them most. Always. God, that's hard. I think about my kids after I got sober. You know? I was a lousy father. Don't tell my son I said that. My son weighs 215 pounds, 96 foot 3. And I put myself down one time in a meeting. And he took me outside. And he says to me, don't you ever put yourself down in front of me again. If I'd have wanted a better father, I couldn't have found him. I didn't believe that lie, but you know it was nice of the boy to say so. You know? They condemned themselves. I did this last week. You ever get up in the dark and head for a glass of water and hit your little toe on the coffee table? You know what I say to me when I make a mistake like that? It's automatic, even today. And I know what's going on. You stupid bastard. My toe's hurting. I'm standing there calling myself a stupid bastard. I know none of y'all do this. And I gotta stop for a minute and think about my toe and take care of it, you know? They always have a negative concept of a higher power. How many alcoholics have you heard say, I scared death of God? You know why? Because their self-concept is so lousy. If I'm the sorriest son of a bitch on the face of God's earth, then God must be a judge. He must have a little black book. He is after me. See how your concept of yourself reflects on your concept of God? Self-haters are always rigid. You notice that? Rigid. They're really spiritually dead. Lao Tzu, you mentioned today, said that which is alive is flexible and yielding. That which is dead is rigid and stiff. Self-haters are rigid and stiff. They have the deepest possible fear of abandonment and rejection. The person who hates himself cannot possibly feel good about himself or believe he's a good person. And unless there's a radical change, he'll become what he erroneously believes himself to be. Do you know how powerful beliefs are? If I believe deeply, I'm a loser, guess what I'm going to be? If I believe I'm going to fail, guess what I'm going to do? If I believe I'm a rotten person, how often do we have to live this out? It's like you have this belief about yourself and you go out and fulfill it. A belief is like giving a command to your unconscious. It just does it. You say, why is this happening to me? Examine your beliefs. Examine your values. There's a solution. But it's going to take at least the following. I don't know all the answers. At least the following. First, foremost, surrender. Surrender to what? To the truth of my condition and my powerlessness over it. The truth of my condition and my powerlessness to change it. You've got to make a real commitment to change. And you've got to have a means of bringing about the change and you've got to have that major effort I talked about to affect that change because we're talking again about the deepest possible change, a change in character. Without this change, the condition will continue. I've got a t-shirt that I wear at a meeting sometimes and it says on it, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Think about it. And I've heard people say, you know, if you always do what you've always done, you always get what you always got. You don't change, nothing changes. Character can't be changed by thought. One spiritual teacher said it real clear. Which of you, by taking thought, can add one cubit to his stature? Nor can character be changed by prayer alone. Neither can affirmations or positive input from others change it. Because the problem with which we're dealing is rooted in self-hate. Hear that. Self-hate. The problem didn't come from others. The problem can't be solved by others. You can be helped by others. The solution must come from you. You've got to do the work. I've got to do the work. Thought can't alter it. I remember one of the people that messed with me when I first came around, it was grumpy. You all heard me talk about grumpy. And he was always saying, boy, you can't think your way into good living. You've got to live your way into good thinking. Prayer. One of my favorite stories, you know, the rabbi and the priest went to a prize fight. Before the fight, one of the boys got down to the corner and did this, you know. And the rabbi says to the priest, that's one of your boys, isn't it? He said, yeah. He said, tell me, what does that mean? The priest said, it don't mean a damn thing if you can't fight. James said it in another way in the New Testament. Faith without works is dead. Affirmations and positive input from others bounce off of it. I remember my experience with a psychologist, a little Jewish guy named Shapiro. I love that little guy. He was just beautiful. He loved me to death. He was a hypnotist. See? Hypnotherapist. Now, you can't hypnotize an alcoholic. He ain't going to give up control. But he would try his best, you know. And he could get me in a light trance, you know. And he knew how I felt about myself. And he's trying to change that by saying nice things to me. He'd just tell me, tell me thing after thing after thing, all this good stuff. And one day he says, you're a Mitch. And in Yiddish, that means a man in the biggest sense of the word. That's a whole thing. And from a deep trance, you know what I said to him? Bullshit. He gave up on me. He said, go back to Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what you believe in. That's what's going to help you. And he was right. There's got to be more. And that more is sustained action on proven principles. And we know what they are. Taken by the person himself. Character can be changed only by action. It's a spiritual program, y'all. It's not based on thought. It's not based on feelings. It's based on action. And the change I'm talking about is from self-hate to unconditional self-love. I don't use the word self-esteem because it's been beat to death nowadays. You watch one of these talk shows, you know, either you need counseling or you lack self-esteem. It's been beat to death. You know, it's been spread so wide it means nothing anymore. How about unconditional self-love? It can never be gained from outside yourself. It can be aided and reinforced by other people but must be born and grow within the person himself. Again, self-love is self-love. I was telling Bob earlier, I don't believe these people say you can't love others till you love yourself. I loved everybody before I loved me. The word on me was don't ask Tom for the shirt off your back. He'll give it to you. But don't you ever try to give him yours. Just look at how you can get emotionally sober. It's tough, I'll tell you that right now. And it hangs on a long time. Let me tell you how long. The lady in Alabama knows me really well. And I did a pitch down at Alabama School of Alcohol and Drugs a couple years ago and the folks went wild. They sold more tapes than they've sold in the history of the school. And she got the evaluations, you know. And I went down there and I was sitting across her desk and the evaluations were on a sheet that reached from here to the door, you know, printout. And 900 and something people and she handed it to me. She said, I've already marked the two negative ones so you don't have to look for them. The very key to the whole thing is to accept yourself as you are right now. Real acceptance, you see, stops that inner struggle. It puts you in neutral. You ain't running, you ain't fighting, you're neutral. I accept. I accept. Psychologist Carl Rogers, curious paradox, he said, is the moment I accept myself just as I am, then I begin to change. How about our alcoholism? Is that true? Chris Christopherson had a song once called The Pilgrim. And the chorus of the song said, you know, he's a poet. No, he's a picker. He's a prophet. No, he's a pusher. He's a pilgrim and a preacher and a problem when he's stoned. He's a walking contradiction. Partly truth and partly fiction taking every wrong direction on his lonely way back home. Each of us, I submit to you, is exactly that. A walking contradiction. A combination of light and darkness. Recovery does not eliminate the darkness. Rather, it increases the light and decreases the darkness. Nothing is added. Nothing is taken away. The balance changes. That deepest self, which I believe with Bob, is God, begins to manifest itself in this darkness until it outweighs the other. But I don't think the darkness is ever gone. Ever gone. There's nothing I'm ever going to do in my life that my ego is not going to be involved in. Nothing. I don't believe. And I have to accept that. That's hard for a perfectionist. You hear me? It's imperative to accept all that is you. This is rigorous honesty. In saying with Popeye, I am what I am, and that's all that I am. That's rigorous honesty to me. It's a state of being. It's a state of being. It's a state of being. Acceptance of selflessness, adding on yourself, ends the internal conflict involved in trying to hide some of yourself. I read somewhere the alcoholic is very much the actor. To the outer world, he presents his stage character. This is the one he wants others to see. Et cetera, et cetera. Next thing is surrender, but in a different sense. We often look at surrender as passive acceptance of our condition. The program goes further than that. There's another aspect of surrender called sacrifice. Third step prayer begins how? God, I offer myself to thee. If that ain't sacrifice, I ain't never heard it. Sacrifice what? Yourself to God. Sacrifice these big needs that I have. I guess y'all don't have them. They need to control. They need to possess. They need to understand. They need to always be right. They need to be comfortable. All of which depends on the above. Sacrifice unrealistic expectations of self and others. Sacrifice them. Unhealthy dependencies. Sacrifice the idea that you can change without help. Any kind. Any kind of help. If you have to find you a Jewish psychologist, do it. Watch them Baptist psychologists though. Sacrifice, listen, your exaggerated sense of self-importance. Remember rule number 62? Don't take yourself too damn seriously. Sacrifice the values and beliefs. The values based on pleasure. The values based on pleasure. Not on what is right or wrong or moral. The values that are based only on pleasure. Whose pleasure? My pleasure. Those self-centered, selfish values that are killers for you and killers for me that take life and never get it. Think you haven't got them? Watch your behavior. Watch your behavior. There's an old time in the program up in Charlotte used to say, count yourself up every night. And see how many years they are. Got to believe. Got to believe that with help you can and will become emotionally sober. Beliefs are powerful. Positive beliefs can be just as powerful as those negative beliefs. They also can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Look at step two. If you can say that you're even willing to believe, you're on your way. Positive beliefs are just as powerful, perhaps more powerful than negative beliefs. Remember there's a line where the guy was thanking the carpenter for making him well. He said, don't thank me. Your faith has made you whole. Your faith. Next, examine yourself. Oh God, here we go again. Become aware of false beliefs. Don't worry about your beliefs about yourself. Their origin, if possible. If you can't find the origin, don't worry about it. Just deal with them as they are. Discover and become familiar with behavior patterns which are based on false beliefs and fear. Don't isolate. God. Be with others like yourself as often as you can. Join in and introduce yourself. Why? Why? The first thing you'll hear me say Sunday morning, my sponsor ever told me to do, go to meetings early and shake everybody's hand and ask them how they were doing, and I did not want to go. But it became a vitally important part of my sobriety because I connected. I became a part of the we. And I totally believe that if I can move along this horizontal line and connect with my brother and my sister, God's going to join in on that. And right there in that intersection where God comes down and joins us is everything I've ever hoped for or wished for. It is one of those peak experiences. I was a part of that. I'm a part of that. I'm a part of that. I'm a part of that. Talk with somebody else about what you found. You've got to have somebody you can talk with. You know, familiarize him or her with your behavior patterns and ask him or her to help you watch for them. That takes some guts. These things happen unconsciously and automatically, you know. And when they happen, would you please say, hey, you're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing it. Ask God to help you change. To remove your fear, your false beliefs, your self-hate. Help you accept and forgive yourself. Or if you want to make the prayer real simple, just say, God, thy will be done. And this assumes to be true what it says on page 133 in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. We are sure that God wants us to be happy and joyous and free. Hallowed is his name. Nothing bad can come from one who is hallowed. His will is all. God, if I could get that through here. All the time, Bob. Perhaps the most important element in overcoming emotional unsovereignness is to watch for its manifestations. Watch for behavior patterns. Watch for those responses. Watch for what? You ever look at step 10? Step 10 says we continue to what? Watch. Watch. Huh? Isn't that the word? Watching is an ancient time-honored spiritual tradition. It means observe yourself. As those monks in the desert used to say when one of them would get troubled, Brother, pay attention to yourself. Uncritical self-observation. When? Now. Not tonight. When many a day inplets the church has written the same phrase, whether it's paying attention or not. They're lost. If they're still serious about it and they're still in shock, and she does leave it behind her, and when theess person is rich, what she would do, she will not say with 对 Wait. They're asking you why. Never. Necessarily dis limiting her issues. We still understand that and that's what the church is about and it's not big. New history shows, old Normal咔 You heard his name today. Used in vain, probably. I'm going to use it in vain again. Okay. Bob said to me one time, you know what the greatest thing in the world is for an alcoholic, Tom? I said, no. He says, when somebody says they love you, and you say, yeah, I know you do. He said, when an alcoholic can't accept love, that's the greatest thing on the face of the earth. You know, I think he was right. When the old message begins, we continue to watch for what? Selfish dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these arise, put a new message on it. You know, if you put a new message over the old message long enough, the new message becomes the only message. Watch also. Boy, this will help for the good things you do. Ain't nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with balance. You know, I always believed they had to be all good or all bad, and that's the way I judged myself. Nothing wrong with balance, you know. I don't know what it is, but hell, there ain't nothing wrong with it. Watch for the good things you do. And when you see them, say, thank you, God. I dare you. During this day when you're watching yourself for these behavior patterns, watch also for the good things that happen to you, and for you, that you don't have anything to do with. You get the right word, the right letter, the right phone call, the right thought, the right touch, the right mountain, the right tree. And you don't have to define grace. You're touched by it. You know what it is. God working 24 hours a day for our good. And we're not conscious of it unless we're awake. And observant. Finally, give to others what you want and need. Give to others what you want and need. Love others unconditionally. It's hard stuff, isn't it? Give without expectation. Give anonymously. Give anonymously. Giving in this sense. You know, it is what love's all about. You know, 13th chapter, 1 Corinthians, the word that is used for love in there is not agape, not eros, not fulon, not phileo. The word used is charis, which we translate as charity. The greatest of these, then, is what? Giving. Giving. What? What has freely been given to you. Given in this way. Now, many things. We bid our alms out. We give a gift to God for it. We know that what we give is getting to God and To Him. Because He gives into God in His work, and to Him, which is the best of everything. And the best of what God has. Blessings, blessings And then we're in love. Joseph forest del Taras Stop them. All of it can be broken. No really, chocolate. The big thing you've got to trepidate is give it not. cake, or any stuff. His soul is celestine. It is what's according to thequinzyme prime. Think about a Utmente-made. You're sick like His back. It until it is true. They see it coming. That's the έher. will come back to you. The very essence of becoming emotionally sober is a realization that Chuck C. used to say, that this is a giving life. And it's only through giving that I may receive. And the truth has been stated in so many ways. You know? Be not deceived. God is not mocked. For that which you sow, that also shall you reap. Cast your bread upon the water. And it will return to you. Cast. Give. Sow. Give. Or how about this one? Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry, give this message to other alcoholics. It is in fact through giving that we receive. So what we want for ourselves, we must give others. Without expectation. Does that mean that if I go to you and I give you a gift, that you're going to return that gift? No. It means that the giving itself will return to me. And I've probably already forgotten the original gift if I gave without expectation. Because when I give in that sense, the reward really is in the giving. I'll tell you something that happened today. It's just an aside, but I went to the ticket counter in Charlotte and I'm riding coach class. And I say to the lady at the counter, you're not having a good day, right? She said, how do you know that? I said, you look like you're real tired. Well, no, I'm not having a good day. You're very observant. And she told me what was wrong. Like she had known me forever. And I stood there and I listened to her. And I said, well, you either can hate that man for the rest of the day or you can pray for him every time you think of him. Your choice. She looked at me kind of funny. She said, you're an understanding man. I'm going to put you in her class. True story. So, you know, I thank you. And let me leave you with this. Every letter that I write, I end it in this way. Take care. And please remember to be gentle with yourself and those around you. Thank you.