To Wives Says He’s Not Heartless, He’s Sick — and She’s Not a Saint Either

About This Speaker Tape

This recording is a reading of Chapter 8, "To Wives," from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The chapter is written from the perspective of wives of alcoholics, describing the progression of living with an alcoholic husband and the emotional toll it takes. The wives recount the cycle of hope and despair — the lies told to protect reputations, the broken promises, the violence, the other women, the financial ruin, and the slow withdrawal from friends and social life.

The chapter categorizes alcoholic husbands into four types, ranging from heavy social drinkers who don't yet see a problem, to those showing loss of control, to those in serious decline requiring medical help, to those in complete despair facing institutionalization. For each type, practical advice is offered: never approach in anger, never nag or label him an alcoholic, let him come to his own realization, and gently introduce the Big Book when the time is right.

The reading also addresses the shame and isolation wives feel — the fear of what others think, the lies told to employers and friends, the worry about job loss. The chapter urges wives to let go of embarrassment, to explain honestly that their husband is a sick person, and to stop covering for him. It closes by encouraging wives to adopt spiritual principles themselves, acknowledging that they too were afflicted with pride, self-pity, and selfishness, and that working a spiritual program would transform their own attitudes and their marriages.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Opening of Chapter 8 To Wives — wives introduce themselves and their shared experience
• 2:00 Catalog of what wives endured — lies, begging, hysteria, retaliation, battle-ground homes
• 5:00 The baffling cycle — alcoholic husbands alternating between cruelty and fresh resolutions
• 8:00 The four categories of alcoholic husbands introduced, starting with the heavy drinker
• 12:00 Category two — husband showing loss of control, the earmarks of a real alcoholic
• 15:00 Categories three and four — serious decline, hospitals, violence, possible commitment
• 19:00 Practical advice for wives of category one and two husbands — patience, no anger, no nagging
• 23:00 Introducing the Big Book to the husband — timing, tone, and letting him decide
• 27:00 Addressing embarrassment, fear of job loss, and how to talk to friends and employers
• 31:00 Wives urged to adopt spiritual principles themselves — pride, self-pity, and the need for their own program