To Wives Says He’s Not Heartless, He’s Sick — and She’s Not a Saint Either

Chapter Two Wise With few exceptions, our blood is spoken of as wise. But we have set up wise ways much to women. Our activities and behavior of women who drink are increased. There is every evidence that women begin to handle these matters if they are suggestions. But for every man who drinks, others are involved. The wife who trembles in fear of the next divorce, the mother and father who see their son wasting away, a man who drinks violates friends whose problems dissolve as well as who have not yet found happy solutions. We want the wives of alcoholics not as we dress the wives and men who drink too much. What they say will apply to nearly every one about ties of blood or affection to an alcoholic. As wives of alcoholics, not as we would like you to feel, but we understand as far as we can. We want the wives mistakes we have made. We want to leave with the feeling that no situation is too difficult and no happiness too great to overcome. We have traveled the rocky road. There is no mistake about that. We have long run through with hard pride, frustration, self pity, misunderstanding, and few not pleasant companions. We have been driven to more than sympathy to be resenting. Some of us peer from extreme to extreme. Ever hoping that one day loved ones would be themselves once more. Our loyalty and desire that husbands hold their heads and be like their man have been gotten also to perfection. We have been selfless and self sacrificing. We have told the numberable lies to protect our pride and husbands' reputations. We have prayed. We have begged. We have petitioned. We have struck out viciously. We have run away. We have been hysterical. We have been terrified. We have sought sympathy. We have had retaliatory lovers with the man. Our homes have been battle grounds many evenings. In the morning, we have kissed and made up. Our friends have counseled, talked to men, and we have done so with finality. Only to back a little while hoping, hoping our mothers' warnings are all most that they would drink forever. We have believed them when no one else could afford it. Then days we have spent of fresh hours. We seldom friends at home. Never knowing how or when men and husbands would appear. We could make few social engagements. We came to live almost alone. While we invite out our husbands, they so many drinks that they spoil the occasion. If on the other hand they are not themselves, then they will drink. There was never fine answers to queries. Positions were always in jeopardy. One, our heart could not have walked the path of love. The checking account often like snowdrifts. Sometimes there were other women who were breaking with discoveries. How cruel to be told they understood men as we did not. The old collectors, the sheriffs, the angry tax collectors, the policemen, the bombs, the piles, even the ladies, some times brought home our husbands' blood. We were so unhappy. Joy, care, nag, white wine—that's what they said. Next day they could be themselves again, and we would forget and try again. We have tried to hold the love of children for their father. We have told small lies that the father was sick, with as much near the truth as we realized. They struck the children, kicked out door panels, smashed treasures, crockery, and ripped the keys of pianos. In the midst of such hand to hand, they may have washed out threatening to live with the other woman forever. In desperation, we have even got higher selves, drunker and drunker. The expectations all with husbands seem lacking. Perhaps at this point we got divorced and took the children home to father mother. Then we were severely criticized by husbands' parents for desertion. Usually we did not leave. We stayed on and on. We finally saw them playing themselves as far as two and three dozen orphans. We began to ask medical advice of the strange doctors together. The alarming physical mental symptoms, the deepening pallor, remorse, depression, and tiredness settled down on loved ones. These things terrified the strikers. As animal sentiment, we impatiently and woefully cried, falling back and exhausted after each effort to reconcile. Most of us abandoned the final stage with its commitment to alcoholics and sometimes we were screaming to their enemies and said, "Death was off near." Under these conditions, we naturally made mistakes. Some of them rose at the nearest alcoholics. Sometimes we sensed them lead we were dealing with sick men. Had we fully understood the nature of the alcoholic illness, we might be happy differently. How could men who loved wives and children be so unkind, so callous, so cruel? There could be no loving such persons. We thought. In just as we were being convinced of their heartlessness, they would surprise us with fresh results of new actions. For a while they would be the old selves, only to dash the new structure of affection, the pieces once more. As wives and drinkers, they would reply with sincerely excuse none. It was so baffling, so heartbreaking. We have been so mistaken in men we married. When drinking, they were strangers. Sometimes they were so inexcusable, so great, while they built up their homes. And even if they did not love their families, how could they be so blind about themselves? What had become of judgment, common sense, their willpower? Why could they not see the drinkment ruin them? Why was it when these dangers were pointed out that they breathed and then got drunk again immediately? These are some of the questions raised to the very women who are alcoholics. We think this book is answered some of them. Perhaps husbands have been living in that strain with alcoholics, where everything is distorted and exaggerated. You can see that really does love you with better self. The course there is such a thing as incompatibility, but nearly every instance of alcoholics seems to be unloving and insufferable. This usually begins with more than second, and these second does the appalling things. Today most of our men are better husbands and fathers than ever before. Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband. No matter what he says or does, he is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him when you can. As he had no money, when he angered you, remember that he is very ill. There is important exception to the foregoing. We realize some men are thoroughly bad in intention. That no amount of patience will make a difference. Alcoholics and this temperament may be quite the sharpest lovers. Love will be had. Don't let him get away with it. If your husband is one to fight, you may feel better. If it is right to let him ruin your life and the lives of your children, especially one before him who was stopped in drinking abuse, if you really want to pay the price, the problem with which you struggle usually falls within one of four categories. One, your husband may be a heavy drinker. His drinking may cause him to make heavy and uncertain decisions. Perhaps he spends too much money for liquor. It may be slowing him mentally physically, but he does not see it. Sometimes he is sore with embarrassment to his friends. He is puzzled if he can handle his liquor. That does him no harm. That drinking is necessary in his business. He would probably be insulted if he were called an alcoholic. This world is full of people like him. Some will moderate and stop altogether, and some will not. But those who keep on, the good number will become too alcoholic to drink at all. Two, your husband is showing lack of control. For he is unable to stay on the right way, even when he wants to. He often gets entirely out of hand when drinking. He admits this is true, but his positive that he will better. He has begun to try with without cooperation, various means of moderating his drinking. Maybe he is beginning to lose his friends. His business may suffer somewhat. He is worried sometimes and is becoming aware that he cannot drink like other people. He sometimes drinks in the morning and through the day also. To hold his nerves and check, he is remorseful after serious drinking bouts. Until he wants to stop, the one he gets over the spree, he gets to think once more how he can drink more the next time. We think this person is dangerous. These are the earmarks of a real alcoholic. Perhaps he can still do business fairly well. He has by no means ruined everything. As we say among ourselves, he wants to want to stop. Three, this husband is going much further than husband number two. Though unlike number two, he became worse. His friends have slipped away. His home is in direct and he cannot hold the decision. Maybe the doctor is called in, and the weary round of sanity and hospital is begun. He admits he cannot drink like other people, but does not see why. He claims that no matter he will not find the way to do so. He may have come to the point where he desperately wants to stop, but cannot. His case presents additional questions, which we will try to answer for you. You can be quite hopeful as to ways like this. Four, you may have a husband who will complete the despair. He has been placed in one instance after another. He is violent or appears definitely insane when drunk. Sometimes he drinks on the way home from the hospital. Perhaps he has had delirious dreams. Doctors shake their heads and advise the husband committed. Maybe you have already been advised to put him away. This picture may not be as dark as looks. Many husbands would just as far gone yet they got well. Let's now go back to husband number one. Probably now he is often difficult to deal with. He enjoys drinking. It stresses the imagination. His friends feel closer over him. Perhaps you enjoy drinking with yourself when he doesn't go too far. You have happy evenings together chatting and drinking before your fire. Perhaps you both like parties would be all without liquor. We have enjoyed such evenings ourselves. We had a good time. We know about liquor as so lubricant. Somebody not all but think of it as bad news when he's with you. The first principle is that you should never be angry. Even though your husband becomes unbearable, you have to be temperately used. If you can go without drink for patience and good temper, not necessary. Next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his drinking. If he gets to either your anger or killjoy, your chances of accomplishing anything useful may be zero. He will use that excuse to drink more. He will tell you he is misunderstood. This may lead to only evenings for you. He may see someone else to solve him, not always another man. Be determined that your husband drinking is not going to spoil your relations with your children or your friends. They need your companionship and your help. It is possible to have a full useful life with your husband if you used to drink. We know women who are afraid even happy under these conditions. You might say your heart is warming your husband. You may be unable to do so no matter how hard you try. We know these suggestions sometimes difficult to follow, but you say many heartbreak. If you can succeed in stopping your husband may come to appreciate your reasonable patience. This may lead the ground work for friendly talk about his alcoholic problem. Try to help him bring the subject himself. Be sure you are not critical during such a discussion. Attempt instead to put yourself in his place. Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical. When this discussion does rise, you might suggest he read this book or at least stop drinking. Tell him you've been worried. Tell perhaps melessly. You think he ought to know the subject better. As everyone should understand, and the risk takes if he drinks too much. Show him you are confident in his power to stop moderating. Say you do not want to watch him. They only want to take care of himself. That's your message to him. Resting him alcoholic. He probably has several alcoholics among his acquaintance. You might suggest that you both take interest in them. Drinkers like the help of drinkers. Your husband may be willing to talk to one of them. If this kind of approach does not get your husband interested, it may be best to drop the subject. But after friendly talk, your husband will usually revive the topic itself. This may take patience, but it will be worth it. If one might try to help the wife of another serious drinker, if you act the friendly responsible, your husband may stop moderating. Suppose whatever your husband has to discuss with number two, the same principle would apply to husband number one should be practiced. But after next in asking if he would really like to get over drinking for good, do not ask the do for you or anyone else. Just would you like to? The chances are he would. He would show him you copy this book and tell him what you have found about alcoholism. Show him that alcoholics the writers of this book understand. Tell him some of the interesting stories you have read. If you think you will be shy of this dreadful remedy, ask him to look at the chapter on alcoholism. Then perhaps you will be interested enough to continue. If he is in too easy, your cooperation will be great. Be all. If he is lukewarm or thinks he is not an alcoholic, we suggest leave him alone. Avoid urging him to follow our program. The seed has been planted in his mind. He knows that thousands of men must like himself every hour, but don't remind him of this after he has been drinking for. He may be angry. Somewhere later you will find him reading the book once more. Wait until he is stumbling, convinced he must act. For the more you hurry him, the longer his recovery may be delayed. If you are number three husband, you may be lucky. Being certain he wants to stop, you go to him with this lie and most joyfully is though you have drunk well. He may not share your enthusiasm, but he is practically readable and he may go for the program once. If he does not, you will probably not have long to wait. Again, you should not crowd him. Let him decide for himself. Carefully see him through more sprays. Talk about this condition or is brought only when he raises the issue. In some cases, it may be better to let someone else like the family present the book. They can urge action without raising hostility. If your husband is otherwise normal and virtuous, your chances are good at this stage. You would suppose that men forced by suggestion would be quite hopeless, but that is not so. Many alcoholics are not much like that. Everybody has given up. The feeling certain, you often some men have spectacular and powerful recovery. These exceptions, some men have been so carried by alcoholics they cannot stop. Sometimes their cases were alcoholics and complicated by other disorders. The good doctors say that you can tell you whether these complications are serious. If any man tries to have your husband read this book, his reaction may be one of inexcuse. If he is already committed to institution, but can convince you to drop the drinking business, give him a chance to try another. Unless the doctor thinks it's under condition to be almost dangerous, we make this recommendation with some confidence. Fewer will be working with alcoholics committed to institutions since this book was first published. They are at least thousands of alcoholics whom silence and hospitals have regained. The majority have never returned. The power of God goes deep. You may have the reverse situation in your hands. Perhaps your husband who is large, but who should be committed, some men cannot or will not get over alcoholics. When they become too dangerous, we think the time to end is to lock them up. But of course, good doctors always be consulted. The wives and children of such men suffer horribly, not more than the men themselves. But sometimes you must start life anew. We know women who have done. If such women adopt the spirit of life, their road will be smoother. If your husband is a drinker, you probably worry over what the people think and hate to meet your friends. You draw more and more in yourself, and you think everyone is talking about conditions at home. You avoid the subject of drinking even with your own parents. You do not know what to tell the children. When your husband is bad, you become trembling with clues, wishing the alcohol had never been bad. We find most of this embarrassment unnecessary. You need not discuss your husband's life. You can quietly let your friends know the nature of this. But you must be careful not to embarrass your husband. When you have carefully explained such people that he is sick person, you will create a new atmosphere. Very years we have sprung up between you and your friends with the superior withdrawal symptoms that are commanding. You will no longer be self conscious or feel that you must apologize to your husband for weak character. He may be anything but that. Your new courage, good nature, and lack of self consciousness will wonders for your soul. The same principle applies in dealing with the children. Must they actually need protection from their father? If that's not the case, I'd.Any argument he has with them while drinking. Use your energy to promote a better understanding all around. Then that terrible tension, which grips the home of every problem drinker, will be lessened. Frequently, you have felt the blinds that your husband's employer and his friends that he was sick. When the matter fact he was tight. Avoid answering these inquiries as much as you can. Whenever possible, let your husband explain. Your desire to protect him should not cause you to lie to people when they have a right to know where he is and what he is doing. Discuss with him when he is sober and in good spirits. Ask him what you should do if he places you in such a position again. But be careful not to be resentful about the last time he did so. There is another paralyzing fear. You may be afraid your husband will lose his position. You are thinking of the disgrace and hard times, which will befall you and the children. This experience may come to you, where you may already have had it several times. Should it happen again, regard it in a different light. Maybe it will prove a blessing. It may convince your husband he wants to stop drinking forever. And now you know that he can stop if he will. Time after time, this apparent calamity has been a boon to us for opening up a path which led to the discovery of God. We have elsewhere remarked how much better life is when led on a spiritual plane. If God can solve the age-old problem of alcoholism, He can solve your problems too. We wise found like everybody else, we were afflicted with pride, self-pity, vanity, and all the things which go to make up the self-centered person. And we were not above selfishness or dishonesty. As our husbands began to apply spiritual principles in their lives, we began to see the desirability of doing so too. At first, some of us did not believe we needed this help. We thought on the whole we were pretty good women, capable of being nicer for husband to stop drinking. But it was a silly idea that we were too good to need God. Now we try to put spiritual principles to work in every department of our lives. When we do that, we find that ourselves solve problems too. The ensuing lack of fear, worry, and hurt feelings is a wonderful thing. We urge you to try our program. For nothing will be so helpful to your husband as to radically change his attitude toward him, which God will show you how to have. Go along with your husband if you possibly can. If you and your husband find a solution to the present problem of drink, you are of course going to be very happy. But all problems will not be solved at once. Seed has started to sprout in a new soil, but growth has only begun. In spite of your newfound happiness, there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should be. The faith and sincerity of both you and your husband will be put to the test. These workouts should be regarded as part of your education. For thus you will be learning to live. You will make mistakes, but if you earnest, they will not drag you down. Instead, you will capitalize them. A better way of life for marriage will never come. Some of the snags you will encounter are irritation, hurt feelings, and resentments. Your husband will sometimes be unreasonable, and you will want to criticize. Starting from a speck, and domesticizing, great thunderclouds of dispute may gather. These family dissensions are very dangerous, especially to your husband. Often you must carry the burden of avoiding them or keeping them under control.