“They Fired Me From the Mob for Blacking Out at the Wheel” – Jack B.

Good evening, friends. My name is Jack Brennan. I'm an alcoholic.
Hi.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, y'all.
It's the first hotel or motel I've ever been in that they have a piano in the men's room.
I was in a hurry going out there, and as a sign said, restrooms, and I wound up in a lady's sauna.
I thought that it was kind of big for a men's room, you know.
I'm sorry that Ramona didn't tell you about the little Indian maid that went to college,
and then she came back home for a summer vacation.
And, of course, the old chief, her father, was standing at the train waiting for her like this.
And the young lady got off the train, and it was quite obvious that she was quite pregnant.
And she said to her father, how?
And he said, never mind how, who?
And she didn't tell you what a papoose is either.
A papoose is what an Indian maidens wins when she takes a chance on a boy.
And that reminds me of the alcoholic that went into a bar,
and he said to the bartender, give me a drink.
Give everybody in the bar a drink.
You have one yourself.
So the bartender did that, you know, and it came to $18.50,
and poor Lushy had no money.
They wrapped him in the head with the ice packer.
And threw him the hell out, you know.
Half hour later, he was back again.
And he said, give me a drink.
Give everybody in the bar a drink.
But nothing for you.
You get nasty when you drink.
And then it was the poor soul that she never knew about Al-Anon over in Iowa, you know.
And she went to the priest, and she was crying.
And she said, he's drunk again, Father.
And the priest said, oh, no.
Oh, no, my God.
And he says, Mary, I don't know what to tell you.
He said, it's terrible.
We've done everything in God's creation to keep this man sober.
Now he's drunk again.
I don't just know what to tell you.
So he said, well, I tell you, listen.
Why don't we try to scare him to death, to scare him sober?
He said, you know, you live in a little house,
and it's at the end of a lane, and there's bushes on both sides of the road.
He said, why don't you tonight get out in the bushes
and put a big sheet over your head.
And when he comes down the road, jump out and wave your arms about.
Tell him you're the devil.
So here's this poor sad soul.
Midnight, he's out there hiding in the bushes.
Can you imagine?
She's got the big stupid sheet over her head.
And she's watching for himself to come down the road,
and here he comes sitting both sides.
And he's saying he's having a ball.
And when he's about ten foot from her, she jumps out and she says,
eee, I'm the devil, I'm the devil.
And he says, oh, let me shake your hand and marry your sister.
Well, now, you know, I could stand over here all night,
and I could tell you a lot of funny things.
Keep you laughing.
What made you stay and think?
Because I didn't come down here to make you laugh.
I came down here because there's a reason for my being here.
And the reason is that there is somewhere sitting out there
one alcoholic who needs to hear what I have to say tonight.
I don't know who you are.
I don't care who you are.
But you damn better listen.
Because you know them big iron lights that I come down on,
I don't like.
I think flying is for the birds.
And they stumped me in our damn thing in Kennedy Airport.
And you know the one thing, I can't use the men's room on a plane.
It took four and a half hours to get here.
The stewardess, you know, she said, are you nervous?
And I said, no, not really.
But I didn't follow why.
I had a girl and couldn't.
So I came down here tonight to speak to you, whoever you are,
because that's the way the man upstairs wants it.
I'm not a fool.
I know damn well and good that everybody here is not going to run out
and stay sober because I was here.
No.
But I do know that the man upstairs does work.
And he works through simple people like myself.
And we carry a message of AA to other alcoholics.
And there is one reason for me to be here tonight.
So you listen good.
And the rest of you sit there quietly.
If you've got a cough, cough now.
Because I don't want to miss this bum, whoever he is.
I have seen a lot of miracles today, eh?
I'm a miracle.
And I walked in here tonight, I saw another miracle.
I saw a young lady that 10 years ago couldn't get out of her wheelchair.
Tonight she walked off to me and said hello.
So if there's anybody out there that's going to tell me that AA don't work,
you better see me out in the parking lot after the meeting.
I'll straighten you right out.
You see, I'm an alcoholic.
I said that when I stood up here.
If that was not me, I would do it.
The most important thing in my life is that I'm an alcoholic.
It doesn't matter what my name is, I'm just another guy.
But the fact that I know I'm an alcoholic and I'm at an AA meeting had proved something.
Because you see, until I found AA, I didn't know who I was.
I didn't know where I belonged.
And I was completely useless and helpless and hopeless.
And when I came to AA, I found out that I had a disease.
And so the most important part of what I'm going to tell you tonight is
not who I heard or too much of what I did,
but that I'm an alcoholic and I suffer from a disease.
And I belong in this world.
I belong here just as much as anybody.
And because I have a disease, there's no reason for me to wear a hair shirt
and to hang my head.
Because I did nothing to acquire my disease.
I did absolutely nothing.
Oh, I drank, but everybody drinks.
But there's only 5% of the world that are afflicted with the disease that I have
and when they drink, trouble.
So you see, the man upstairs caused me to be an alcoholic
because he was the one that controlled my bite.
It had nothing to do with my mother.
It had nothing to do with my father.
It had nothing to do with the place that I lived.
It had nothing to do with my sex.
Nothing to do with my age.
It had nothing to do with nothing except that I was born with a deficiency in my glands.
And if I had a deficiency in certain other glands, I would be called a diabetic.
And I could walk about the world and I could help people when I'm a diabetic
and they would quite understand and everything would be fine.
But when I say that I'm an alcoholic, people say, oh no.
And I say, oh yeah.
What the hell did you expect, two heads?
And you know, sometimes I get a little rambunctious.
They call me the uncouth one.
I don't know why really.
I'm really a very cool fellow.
It's just that once in a while, normal people upset me
and I resort back to what I used to be.
They don't like that.
So then I tell them, you know, well if you like me the way I am, just leave me alone.
Because I don't understand you and you'll never understand me.
And so we have a kind of an armed truce going between myself and everybody in the outside world.
And it's a fine way to live.
Because I found how to live.
I don't need anybody except my people here in AA, my friends.
And I come to AA with much gratitude.
And I allow them to strap me in those stupid seats on them big iron buddies and I go because I'm grateful.
Not because I like to get up here and talk.
Not because I like to be away from home.
Not because of any reason, but I know that I am alive
because the man upstairs chose to leave me to stay alive because he had work for me to do.
And he wanted me to go wherever I was called and wherever I'm called, that's where I go.
And I don't care where it is, if it's humanly possible for me to be there, I'm there.
And when I get home, I have such good feelings because I feel that I am an instrument of higher power.
And they say that this is a God-given, God-inspired program.
And I believe it with all my heart.
Because I have watched dead men walk.
And I have watched homes be reunited.
And from my own experience, I know that there is nothing impossible to the higher power.
And I don't care who you are, what kind of trouble you got sitting out there, it makes no difference in this world.
If I can be sober, you can be sober too.
And if I can have the faith that I have, then you can have the same faith.
If you will care to take it.
I have enough faith for everybody sitting here in this room.
This program works.
And if there's anybody out there that doesn't know who he is, doesn't know what he is, doesn't know where he's going, just stick around, you're in the right place.
You belong here.
This is a God-given, God-inspired program.
And 38 years ago it all came about.
And if you'll notice that in previous two 38 years and since 38 years ago,
there is absolutely nothing new.
The disease of alcoholism has been with us for many, many years.
The Chinese have recorded alcoholism as long as 2,000 years ago.
They said then that a man takes a drink, and a drink takes a drink, and then a drink takes a man.
3,000 years ago, the Chinese knew what alcoholism was.
And 38 years ago, anyone afflicted with the disease of alcoholism
was a helpless, hopeless, chronic alcoholic, and he was dirty in our offices.
He was no help for them anywhere.
Science couldn't help him.
The church couldn't help him.
And nothing could help him.
Outside the prognosis of helpless, hopeless, chronic alcoholic was a ticket to death.
And yet, 38 years later, because of a miracle that happened,
then we all sit here, and we enjoy a lovely meal,
a lovely friendship.
And there were groups like us all around this country,
numbering some half million people.
Half million people that should be dead and gone because of a miracle that happened 38 years ago.
When Bill Wilson cried out from the depths of despair,
if there'd be a God, let him show himself now.
Not tomorrow, now.
Now is when I meet you.
And I say from the depths of despair because this was a helpless, hopeless, chronic alcoholic.
He was doomed to die a nameless death.
And no one would be sorry that he left because he was unemployable.
He had lost everything in this world that a man could lose.
And he was at death's door, or would be shortly,
because he had been in it 57 times,
in charity wards of hospitals.
The doctors had given him up.
Medicine had given him up.
Religion had no hand to form.
And yet this particular day he cried out to a higher power,
if there'd be a God, let him show himself now.
And the higher power showed himself to Bill Wilson.
And what sank by it in that room was called a spiritual experience, something I never had.
But I'm here because of his spiritual experience.
He was told that there was a way for him to stay sober, and that was by taking care of the individual
that was so sick and desperately ill and chronicled,
while Bill was on his feet.
And he was told that if you take care of this individual,
and he gets up, his gratitude will pour out to help you.
And when the two of you leave here, leave together,
and we'll definitely stay together,
and seek a third, a fourth, a fifth, a twentieth,
and all you gather together,
I personally will take care of.
From the higher power to Bill Wilson 38 years ago,
that's why I'm here, that's why you're here, whether you know it or not.
There has been nothing new with the disease of our person,
except that wonderful miracle 38 years ago,
to which we owe all our lives.
Everything that we have,
we owe to the higher power.
There is a tremendous amount of confusion about the disease of alcoholism.
Some people say it's a lack of willpower.
Well, I say that anyone that thinks that,
that the alcoholic has no willpower and that all it takes is willpower,
well, I would suggest to these people that the next time that they have diarrhea,
that they should try willpower.
See how that works?
You hear the most asinine, stupid things about the disease of alcoholism,
and the more that you hear, the more confused the alcoholic becomes.
So I urge you, one and all,
to take one of these papers that are up here,
reprinted from a Philadelphia newspaper,
some years ago.
They're not to be reprinted, of course,
so up until this time I've reprinted about 400,000.
It's by Dr. Jeff DeLay called Dr. Lester L. Coleman, M.D.
And it's entitled, Speaking of Your Health, The Disease of Alcoholism.
And it says,
Alcoholism is an actual physical illness that is sometimes described as an allergy
because it reflects a lack of tolerance to alcohol.
It is not a mental illness.
And bouts of excessive drinking commonly produce personality change in the alcoholic,
which are too often mistaken as mental illness.
And these temporary changes in personality are due to the chemical effect of alcohol,
and disappear when the alcoholic retains his sobriety.
And it goes on to say that the alcoholic differs from other drinkers not by the amount of alcohol he drinks,
but by his body's chemical reaction to it.
An habitual drinker who drinks because he chooses to is not necessarily an alcoholic.
And it goes on to say there is no cure.
Once the tolerance for alcohol is gone, it can never be regained.
But the disease can be completely controlled,
and the only effective treatment for alcoholism is total employment in abstinence.
And it goes on to say that the members of Alcoholics Anonymous
are the people that these alcoholics should associate themselves with.
It goes on to say much more.
They'll take a paper home with you,
and when somebody tells you that you're crazy, you know,
or maybe you're a little slightly balmy in the head, say no.
Because anyone that tells you that you are anything but a physically sick individual
will steal from you your life.
They lied to you.
This is not a mental illness.
There is nothing mental about me.
And yet I stand here and tell you that I'm not an alcoholic.
I have been in mental institutions locked up 12 different times in straitjackets.
And every time that I came out of a straitjacket,
I was put in round boxes, square holes for many, many days.
The doctor was asking me all kinds of stupid questions,
and I was giving him all kinds of stupid answers.
And we both laughed, but I stayed. He was home.
And when they finally released me, they gave me a slip of paper that said,
this man is not mentally ill.
He sent me an alcoholic and he shouldn't drink.
But you see, he never told me how not to drink.
And that in itself is a story.
Because I wanted desperately with all my heart not to drink.
But I couldn't live without it.
And I had to drink in order to live.
I had to drink in order to be like everybody else in the world.
And we are, incidentally, only 5% of the world.
And they talk about minority groups.
We are truly a minority group.
Only 5% of the world are alcoholics.
Yet they don't go around taking up collections for us or anything like that.
A minority group of the minority groups, I would say.
Well, you see, I was born like everybody else.
There's been quite a bit of debate about that over the years.
I was born just like everybody else.
I had a mother, I had a father, and I knew both of them.
And I think for about six months they liked me too.
Because I was one of eight children, you know.
And of the eight children, I was the only one born an alcoholic.
And of course, I wasn't born with a bottle stuck in my ear.
And I couldn't be called an alcoholic at a very early age of six months.
But I was an alcoholic.
See, the doctors have a label for it now.
They call it chemically predisposed to be an alcoholic.
Isn't that nice?
That means in common language that there's something wrong with my system.
And when I drink, I get drunk.
And that's all that means.
And if I don't drink, or if I don't belong to AA, then I walk about the world full of fear.
Because this is the way that my disease affects me.
First and foremost manifestation of the disease is ungrounded and unfounded fear.
And if you ask an alcoholic, why are you so afraid to eat, I don't know.
And he's telling you the truth, he don't know.
He's just one mass of walking fear.
And the older he gets, and the more stress and strain of life comes, the more the fear becomes,
and the more the feeling of inadequacy becomes, until one day, at no matter what age, he'll pick up a drink.
Everybody picks up a drink.
And he picks it up maybe as just a normal procedure.
But he picks up a drink and he finds relief from fear and tension.
And immediately he is now an alcoholic.
Because that is the definition of an alcoholic.
An individual who has a reaction from alcohol that a normal person does not have.
He drinks alcohol and he becomes what he would like to be but can't because of his physical body.
So you take the kid in high school that's going to a dance but he can't dance, he stands in a corner.
And then one night someone says, why don't you go around the back, they got a jug of water.
He goes around the back and here's a kid now that never could say anything.
He wouldn't say shit if he had a mouthful.
And this kid stands in the corner, he rolls himself into the woodwork.
And now he goes out in the back and someone gives him a glass of wine or a sip out of a bottle, and the next thing you know he's the life of the party.
He's standing on tables and dancing with the teachers and punching the big guys in the mouth.
He is a holy terror.
And the next day he wants to know, did I have a good time last night?
And everybody tells him, sure you did, man, you were a ball.
Now he knows, drink, and you can be like everybody else.
But as the Chinese said 3,000 years ago, man takes a drink, then a drink takes a drink, then a drink takes the man.
And pretty soon this individual is looking for help.
He becomes a bullfighter, he hides bottles, he drinks and drinks and drinks and don't want to but does because he has to.
And the next thing you know he's over the line and that's the story of that person.
Well I was born full of fear.
And I used to tremble when my mother went to the store and didn't come back immediately.
And my father was an alcoholic when he came home drunk I hated him.
And when he sobered it up I loved him.
And I was torn.
And I went to school and I tried to be like my brother and I couldn't.
He got all A's and I got all Z's.
And when the teacher would ask me a question I would put my head down.
And I would get terribly red and tongue-tied I couldn't speak.
And people used to come and perform with me and laugh at me.
I stacked a corner and I hated everybody.
I only wanted to be home with my mother.
And I worried about my mother.
What would my children's father do to my mother? Would he come here?
And I used to be so ashamed when a man would come around to collect the rent and my mother didn't have any money.
And I used to hear her telling him, well come back next week, my husband is sick.
And I used to say, well that's a terrible way.
What a man.
There's no part of a man.
And yet when I would look at him, he was my father and I loved him and I begged him, please don't drink.
And he would say, no I won't, that's it, no more.
And he meant it.
God bless him, I know he meant it.
And I would watch him.
And I wouldn't go and skate like other kids.
I would sit on the stoop and watch the corner for my father to come home.
Because when he'd come around the corner a block away I could tell you whether he was sober, whether he was drunk, whether he was drinking beer, wine or whiskey.
I knew just from the way he walked and the way he walked that.
You see my life was possessed with alcohol.
And I used to sit between my mother and father when we were drunk.
Keep them from injuring each other.
And when time came for me to go to school the next day I couldn't go.
And everybody would eat a breakfast if there wasn't breakfast.
I would try to eat and I would throw up.
I was so sick.
And I used to pray in church and my father not to drink anymore.
And I used to go to church for the faith.
Soon that war broke through.
I didn't believe nothing.
I didn't believe my father.
I haven't talked to nobody.
And I was right.
Because you see I was predisposed to being alcoholic.
And one day my kid brother and I were in a room because my father was drunk.
My mother shoved us in there and he got out of the way because I was a kid that would play around with my father and I wouldn't speak.
But the hate was in my eyes and when he would see me he'd swipe at me and kick at me.
And I would cut him under my breast.
And I'd say someday you're a dead man that will live.
Terrible way for a 12 year old boy to be.
But I found relief.
I would insist at this time that you remember.
My brothers ate the same food, lived in the same atmosphere, slept in the same bed, wore the same clothes.
Had the same mother, had the same father.
But they were not like me.
They were quite normal my brothers and sisters.
I was the only alcoholic.
And this particular day in the bedroom my brother went under the bed and came up with a gallon of wine.
He said look what I found.
I said what is it?
He said I guess it was the old man's drinks.
And he took the cup and he said it smells good.
He said Jack we tried it.
I said all right you try it first.
See my mother didn't raise no stupid children.
And I didn't know what the hell it was.
And I watched him closely and he drank and he said oh it's good it's sweet.
And he gave me the bottle and I took a drink and I thought I was going to get the same thing but I didn't.
Because of my chemical body you see.
When I drank that wine the alcohol went and relieved me of all fears.
And I felt good for the first time in 12 years.
I didn't care if my father was drunk.
I didn't care whether it was Saturday, Monday or in the bedroom.
I just felt good period.
And I looked at that bottle and it was amazing.
And I said that's a miracle.
And I said to my brother have another one.
He said sure.
He had another one and he said yeah that's good.
And he was talking about what it tasted like.
What it did for me.
And you know something he stopped at the two and I said have a third.
He said no.
And some 40 odd years later now my brother still takes two drinks.
He don't want no more.
But that particular day I told him I said if the Lord made anything better than this he wanted to keep it up there.
And I drank and I drank and the more I drank the better I felt.
And the better I felt the more I drank.
So you see at age 12 without ever touching booze before.
I was an alcoholic.
I was born an alcoholic.
And if you weren't born an alcoholic that's all right too.
That means we are both in the same place because some people lose the tolerance a little later than others they can drink for 5 years or 10 or 6.
Does it matter?
But once as the good doctor tells you there that the tolerance is gone you are in period.
So I always likened alcoholism to a long slow train ride.
It starts down there and it winds up there.
And all along the way there are stations.
And you can get off at any station that you want.
And if you insist on going to the end of the station then you will do exactly what I did.
Because I went from there all the way down to there.
And there are people that don't know things that I know.
They have never experienced.
And I say thank God for that.
Because there are people today that don't know what the inside of a jail is.
I do.
And there is no reason for you to go to jail to find out what it's like.
If you see me after the meeting I'll describe it to you in detail.
And if you want to know what it is to do a lot of nasty things I won't tell you anything.
Because it has to be this way.
If everybody had to do what I did to get into this program I wouldn't want to go on for it.
I'd rather be dead.
So you see I need you as much as you need me, possibly more.
And I love to see young people come in.
I love to see people come in and say what is a straitjacket?
They don't know what a straitjacket is.
I say how nice.
They'll never have to experience it.
So remember now your long slow train ride.
Where do you want to get off?
If you are just a simple mind, a simple alcoholic, you are just as welcome here as the Bobby
or anybody else that went to the end of the line.
But remember you good.
Remember you well.
And don't look down your nose at those people that did go to the end of the line.
Because Phil Wilson was a helpless, hopeless, chronic alcoholic.
And he stunk up a lot of doctors offices.
And nobody wanted him.
And he was unemployable.
And he went to the end of the line.
And it's all because of this individual in high power that we are all able to sit here tonight and call one another friend.
How lovely.
When I was twelve years of age I wasn't thinking how lovely it was.
I was just thinking how beautiful the wine was.
And the first time I picked up a drink, I got drunk.
I blacked out.
And I passed out in the bathtub full of water trying to take a bath.
And my beautiful mother woke me up on a Sunday morning.
And she said to me, Jack, for God's sake, one in this family is enough.
What are you doing to me?
And I said, I don't know.
What did I do?
And she said, you drank almost three quarters of a gallon of wine.
You went to the bathtub and almost drowned.
And she said, Jack, I can't take two.
One is enough.
Please, don't ever be like your father.
And you know something?
I would never lie to her.
But I lied to her that day.
Because I promised her, Mom, I said, you know how I am.
I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.
I was a kid that I loved my mother dearly.
My only one thought in life was to take that beautiful woman and pack her up some clothes and run.
Buy a little house in Jersey somewhere and live with her.
And give her some of the things that she never had.
And pay the rent for a year in advance.
Or maybe buy a house with a bean on it.
And shower her with all kinds of full refrigerators.
Because I watched her trying to separate meat to three to eight hungry kids and a drunken father.
And everything in my body cried out to that woman, you know.
Bring her a little relief and a little peace before she died.
But booze was not allowed there.
But I lied to her that day.
I told her everything would be all right.
Stop crying, Mom.
Stop crying.
There'll be no more.
But you see, I had found relief for the fear that I had.
I found relief for the alcoholic that I was.
And I wasn't about to give it up.
So the only thing that I did was about to scheme and plot.
And I schemed and plotted where to get more to drink.
And it was very simple for me, you see.
Because I was an Irish Catholic.
And if you're an Irish Catholic,
and twelve years old,
and an altar boy,
you can drink.
All you have to do is get the early Mass and get there early.
I had some of the best drinks I ever had in sacristies.
And I would get there about a quarter after five, four to six o'clock Mass.
And by the time the priest got there, man, I was flying.
And I could go to school that day and I would tell a nun, you know,
Sister, why don't you sit down in the seat and I'll take over the class.
I could do anything with a drink.
Anything.
But I must have met a couple of alcoholic priests along the line.
Because they were getting there five o'clock for the six o'clock Mass.
And that was a bad day.
I would say, you don't play right.
You know, that's dirty.
That's dirty poo.
Because there's nobody out at the six o'clock Mass except two little old ladies with shrouds around their heads.
They sit in the front, you know.
They got to get to the six o'clock Mass because they're afraid they won't make the day, you know.
And it's just me and him and the two little old ladies and he's half, he's half gone and I'm dying.
Well, it didn't last long.
And I'm going to skip a little bit here tonight and I'm going to tell you something.
At age 16, I had been arrested several times.
And at age 16, I came home one morning and my mother found me at the shop and sitting in the kitchen with a gun to my father's head.
Thought I was going to the table and the whole world was throwing money and I was turning them.
I was daring them, take one dollar, take one drink, I'll kill you.
Please do it, I'll kill you.
And my mother looked at me, that beautiful woman that she was, and she said, Jack, Jack, I don't know what I ever did to deserve you.
Take your filthy money and take your filthy gun and booze and get out of this house.
We don't need you.
We don't know where you came from and please leave us alone.
Your father there, he may not be the best father, but he's not like you.
You're vicious.
You have never done anything in this world since you were born except cause trouble and hurt people.
Everybody that you came in contact with you always hurt.
Please, Jack, go away and don't come back no more.
And I was told at 16, and if you think that I was a madman then, you should have seen me.
Now I knew that the world was against me.
My mother even signed on me.
I hated with a vengeance that people wouldn't understand, nobody would understand.
I cursed God and I went about my nefarious, vicious way and I ran with a mob on the west side of New York.
And they were vicious, nasty people.
But I will say this to you.
I have hurt a lot of people.
I've shot people and I've been shot.
And I've been stabbed.
And I've driven cars at 110 miles an hour to get away from cops.
And I wound up in many, many serious predicaments.
And I want to tell you something.
Only because I was drinking.
I could never ever do the things that I did when else I was drinking.
In fact, when I woke up in the morning, no matter where I went, in prison or a hospital or the jail or in the best hotel in New York, in Jerry Lee,
I always related back to being a 12 year old scared kid.
And that terrible fear that the alcoholic knows always in my belly.
And that terrible remorse.
Why do you do it?
Why don't you stop?
You are not born for this thing.
And I would hate myself so bad that I would pick up another drink to bury me.
And as soon as I took that drink, I was no more than a 12 year old scared kid.
And I was the vicious animal that I had been the night before ready to do anything that has not ever happened.
So I lived a Jekyll Hyde existence.
And I never wanted anybody to know that I was a 12 year old scared kid.
And I used to go about with a bunch of nasty people.
And they used to look at me and accepted me because with booze I could be like them.
And without booze I was nothing.
So I'd wake up in the morning, take my morning drink and go on another 24 hours.
And it was always that way.
12 years old and scared.
Or vicious animal capable of killing.
And I tell you, I have some things in my past that I certainly wish were not there.
But they are there and they are mine.
And there are times that they come back to haunt me.
I sit quietly on the edge of my bed and I can't sleep.
And I go back over my past and I stand there and I thank God so much for the Alcoholics Anonymous program.
Because it allows me to smell my garbage no more.
It stays with me.
But now I've been able to turn it into something good.
Where I can take out my garbage and parade it before you people.
And let you use it for your betterment.
So this is what AA has done for me and when these bad times come to me and I sit on the edge of my bed and I think of people.
And I can still hear bones crushing while I hit people with a gun across the bridge of their nose after taking their money.
And I remember so much the open mouths and the feeling of horror when I stuck guns in people's bellies.
And I loved it.
Because the world owed me something.
And it wasn't enough that the horror in a man's eyes or the fear in his voice.
Or the quiver in his hand as he handed me his money.
I would back off and I would belt him with all my might of courage across his nose.
And I can still see the blood coming out of corners of eyes.
And there's no way that I can go back and undo what I have done.
Nothing.
Nothing I can do about it.
Except to tell you that after a boost of me and hope and praise of God that it never takes you to the same place.
And if you think that maybe you're not having any trouble with alcohol, just stop and think.
There was a time in my life too that I considered myself not to be having any trouble with alcohol.
And I used to be in prisons and jails and hospitals and social workers and doctors who tried to help me.
And they would say to me, Jack, you're a nice young fellow, why don't you stop drinking?
And I would say to them, why don't you go to hell?
Why does everybody pick on my booze?
I can't live without drinking.
If I don't drink, I sit in a corner.
I can't do anything.
I drink only in order to live.
I drink only in order to operate.
And they would look at me and they would say, you're helpless.
I say, no, you're stupid.
You don't understand what I'm saying.
And they say, well, why are you so many times in jail?
And I would say, well, I had a few bad breaks, you know.
You win a few and you lose a few.
And they would say to me, yeah, but you know, you seem to be losing all the time.
You get out of one, you get into another.
And it was true.
They used to say about me on 9th Street down in the village, you know, down in New York.
If it was raining soup, Glennon would be out with a fork.
And that's about the way it was.
I couldn't get out of my own way.
And do you know what it is to stand up before a judge and listen very closely to try and find out what you've been accused of?
It's a horrible, eerie feeling.
But you can't tell nobody.
You can't say, I don't know why I'm here.
But I never knew why I was there.
And I used to lie and I used to put on sad faces.
And people tried to help me, but they couldn't.
Because all they demanded of me was that everybody demanded of me, stop drinking.
And I couldn't stop drinking.
So I went my merry way and trouble I had much.
And there was no reason for me to go into trouble, trouble.
You want to know about trouble? I had lots of trouble.
And they always, I used to look at people and they'd say, you're having a lot of trouble.
I'd say, no.
And they'd say, you're troubled with alcohol.
I'd say, no, alcohol is my friend.
You know, everything sustains me.
And I got married.
And I went away to sea soon after I was married.
Because I did not want my wife to see the 12-year-old kid that I was when I woke up in the morning.
And I went to sea, and I told her I'm going to sea because I need a rest.
And she'd say, well, what if I don't have any friends?
You know, that's the way you work.
She didn't know I worked with a bunch of thieves.
And I'd say, well, they're nice people, but they don't need me.
You see, I lost my first job on account of alcohol.
I used to be the wheel man for the mob.
And you know, when I was the wheel man for the mob and I'd get up in the morning, I would come down and have my first drink.
And I didn't know where we were the night before.
And I used to start asking those stupid questions.
How did everything go last night?
Well, don't you know, you were there.
You drove the car.
And they began to get a little nervous.
And they would say, my God, Jack, you know.
And one day they said to me, you know, you're not the best wheel man in the country, but actually, you drive like one possessed.
And it was true.
Well, I knew he was going to.
And if you got in my way, I guess I hit you.
I don't know.
I drove like one possessed.
I was possessed.
There was no question.
And he said, but Jack, old friend, you know, suppose some night, instead of taking us home, you might take us to a police station.
So he said, I lost my first job on account of booze.
And then when I tried to operate by myself, I got in a lot of trouble.
I went to Philadelphia one time in the afternoon, and I stuck up an off-limits plane.
You know, it was an under-the-table joint.
A lot of girls and a lot of bottles.
And it was nice.
I figured they can't make too much noise because they're illegal anyway.
But, you know, I stuck the joint up, and I got out.
And I talked about 35 of the patients' cash register.
And I got out of there with a brown paper bag and a stolen car at the curb.
A bag full of money and a stolen car.
I went up the corner.
And, you know, Philadelphia is all one-way streets.
And I got up to the corner and said, one way.
So you never break the rules when you're running.
So I went down the one-way street.
The next one was the one-way street.
And pretty soon I was coming back past the joint, and I just stuck up.
And there was a big fat ass cop in the middle of the road.
And he said to me, get that thing out of here.
We just had to stick up.
I said, really?
And I went around the corner again.
The whole thing started again.
Well, to make a long story short, I made my getaway on a bus.
And there was a car down there in Philadelphia somewhere parked.
It's got dirty brakes on it.
And they stole it.
I left it there.
I said, the hell with this place.
I didn't bring nothing back.
In Philadelphia, since I was getting that stolen.
This is the way things went.
And I went to see it.
I got married.
Because, you see, people are working hard.
I would stick up a joint.
The guy had just gone to the bank.
I was winding up with peanuts.
And I was winding up in jails all over the place.
And I was arrested.
And imprisoned over 125 times.
So, you see, I wasn't doing too good.
I wasn't making out really well.
Fifty cents an hour at a steady job would have been much better.
But, you see, I didn't know anything else.
So, I went to see to get away from my wife.
She was starting to ask really embarrassing questions.
Like, when are we going to pay the rent?
You know, when are we going to eat?
And I would say, god damn, I want to get tangled up with one of these women.
I want to eat.
Be normal.
And, you know.
And, you know.
And, you know.
And, you know.
And, you know.
And, you know.
And, you know.
And, you know.
And, you know.
And, you know.
So, I went to see anyway.
I sent her a few bucks when I thought about it.
And I went all over the world and I got in trouble everywhere I went.
I never saw anything except the first bar and went to hospital.
Or to prison.
Morning.
Because I got the first bar and started drinking out of trouble.
It was just that simple.
In the early days, you know, I was the youngest grown guy.
I went to prison.
The other guy went to the hospital.
But then it changed.
And he started getting out and I started going to hospital.
And I started going to hospital.
And I said, you know, I was just like, I'm not going to get in the middle of it.
I'm going to get in the middle of it.
He said, I'm thinking about it.
And he said, I'm thinking about it.
At the first bar, I started to drink up trouble.
It was just that simple.
In the early days, you know, I was young as a drone.
I went to prison.
The other guy went to the hospital.
And then it changed.
And he started to get up, and I started to go to the hospital.
And he started to go to prison, see?
So my time is about equally divided.
And then, you know, I was on a ship one day,
and I was having a cup of coffee, mulling over my situation,
and the lack of booze.
So I had a thought about booze.
I had a room full of booze.
No problem.
I had a few shoes, and just booze, bottles of booze.
And, you know, all of a sudden, I was swimming.
And I don't swim.
And I had the guy next to me in a life jacket.
I said, how about I hold on?
And he said, yeah, all right.
I said, what the hell happened?
Anyway, where'd you shit go?
He said, we got to a pitot.
And I said, what is that?
And he explained that to me.
And he said, you know, there's a war going on.
So I said, no, who's fighting?
And, you know, I am putting in a war.
And I said to him, I said, you know, if I could get out of it.
And he picked us up some 16 hours later.
They took us into England, you know, and gave me a choice.
We were flying home, but he went on the ship.
Now, if I flew home, I would have to go to work in a shipyard or something.
I'd have to be home, and my wife would see me.
So I said, no, I'll wait for another ship.
So I waited for another ship.
And I stayed in the war for about four and a half years.
I got completed twice more.
And one day, I had tremendous, tremendous blackout.
A bout of insanity.
Because I drank myself sober.
I couldn't get drunk before.
And I realized where I was and what I was doing, and I just went completely berserk.
And 16 days later, I come out of a coma.
I had been fighting with prisoners in war.
I had fractured to go.
My ribs were caved in.
My arm was gone.
My legs were broken.
My jaws were bowed wide together.
And they despaired of my life.
And the doctor said to me, that's all right, son.
He said, we're almost in New York.
You're going home.
You're going to get a rest.
And I said, no.
Not me.
Don't send me home.
Send me back my papers and let me go.
And he said, no.
You're sick.
You're going home.
So I was forced to go home.
I was forced to go home and live with a woman who didn't know me, didn't understand me.
And with a broken heart.
And with a broken heart.
But with a baby involved and with my son.
And they tell me, I'll shut that stupid kid up.
He's always crying.
And I'm going out of my mind.
And she was saying to me, what kind of an animal are you?
And I said, don't talk to me.
Leave me be.
Just buy me some whiskey and go away.
That was my cry.
I wanted to live in a corner in a drink.
Because I couldn't live in a little way.
But she was claiming that I was going to be saved.
saved she went out she learned about alcohol and alcoholism and one day she come up to me she said
you know something you're not a return zero i said no whatever she said you're a drunken boss
and i said that's right i said you're an alcoholic and i could help you if you want help and i said
no thank you you'll help with like all the other help stop drinking right she said right i said
wrong i can't so get the hell away from me leave me alone with my boots stop trying to take it away
from me the only thing that i want to do and i need the only thing i have leave me alone with
my boobs take your kids take yourself take the money take anything and get the hell away from
them leave them alone let me drink help this hopeless chronic alcoholic well it wasn't to
be because she took me to an alcoholic synonymous meeting she bribed me one night she said if you
want to drink the only way you're going to get it is to come with me on the subway you don't want
it it's the right on the subway drunk oh my that's an exception
experience that got more people into hey hey just riding that stupid subway from brooklyn to new york
and i went to my favorite bar this morning and i asked for a drink and i said jack get out of here
quick what's the matter he said your wife was in here and she said if i give you a drink today
and she's gonna buy my bar down jack please get off i i had a lot of kids before because i went
to a little grocery thing and she shut me up all over the country and i went home and i said that
wasn't
doing anything that i think you're good didn't i i said yeah you did you're laughing i said do you
want to drink another subway i'll give you drinks and she did and i got the subway i died i got to
new york to get another one i looked so bad and she took me to an a.a meeting and back and back
with this place i said you know this is a private interest i'm coming this place i'm an island
captain i've been in the church for 20 years i was a captain and she said shut up your brother
sit down with us these people won't help you i said go help me the guy got up here like i'm a
monster you notice that and don't take the free drink and you won't get drunk
and i said you son of a if i get close to you i'll kill you
i'll kill you because you see i'm dying and you're telling me funny stories
i know you can't get drunk if you don't drink but that's not what i come here for
i want to know what to do and the man said put the boss in the spotlight to go to hell that's not a
fight that's stupidity and i walked out of there with my wife and i left i said get away from me oh
leave me leave me and four days later i wound up in a hospital they picked me off the streets
in pilgrim stark raven man out of my mind beat after death they don't know that admitted who
did it but somebody did it and i was a helpless hopeless given alcoholic and i woke up in king's
county hospital in straitjacket for the first time and i'd like to die because now you see
i was nothing new if they blew it in the night before now i'm a 12 year old scared kid
that lady i said oh my jesus where are you taking me what am i doing what am i doing here
the answer didn't come only the doctor and soon he let me out soon he sent me home
and then when i went home and my wife was determined it was two cops in my apartment
he accused me of beating on my wife the night before and i didn't even think i was home
she had marks on her throat and i had to go around with the cops i threw them back to fight the stairs
they found out i'm using a dropper and they went out they got reinforcements and they
threw me down the stairs and they liked it so good he took me up and threw me down again
and then he took me out of the back alley and he tossed me over a few walls
and i'm gonna tell you something i'm blind in one eye i don't hear out of one ear
my equilibrium is very bad i've got 203 stitches just in that part of my life
and i had my skull fractured twice my joys have been lying together dozens of different times
my lift has been kised in my legs and toes broken
and i was wearing a straight jacket
and i swear to god almighty that I would have a nose of pure alcohol
and every time i saw a car i would just stand there for just moment
let me get one drink i have something to say
and i would get one drink and i would come out and i was 페主
in his mouth.
And he would take me in alleys and beat me
half to death, stuff me in a jacket and
there was no end.
And I would come out of the hospital
and stand on the grounds
of the hospital and I was ashamed to go home.
I couldn't go home.
And I would stand till I got dark at night
and I would sneak home
and hope that there was nobody left but my life
would be loved.
And I would say to her, you know, this time
she said, yeah, I see.
And what are you going to do now, Jack?
And I don't know. I really don't know.
Because you see, I was 12 years old
and I was scared. I wouldn't hurt her.
I wouldn't hurt nobody. I would just sit at home
and she would tell the kids,
get away from that man. No, don't feel good.
And leave him alone.
He's dying.
She said, no man comes away.
And she put a cover over the telephone
so it wouldn't ring.
And she would ask me, Jack, what is that joke?
I said, I don't know.
Let me just sit here.
And my brother would come and he would
have been in Brisbane for a while.
He was so good and so nice.
He used to go to J.C. even when it wasn't Sunday.
He was a nice guy.
And he'd come in and he'd say, come on, Jack.
Get out of this chair.
I'll take you downtown. I'll take you to the market, you know.
And we'll buy you a job.
And one of the ladies would say, look at what.
I said, give me. I can't even go to the street.
I can't get out of the subway. I can't drive a car.
Look at me. I can't. Oh, I can't still.
I can't go in and ask a man for a job.
I said, I'm afraid to walk on the sidewalk.
I can't even face the person.
And he would say, but you're all right now.
You're not. You're out.
I said, but I'm not all right.
Don't you see me inside? I don't know what's wrong.
I'm like the steward coming to take you down.
He's fucking bummed.
You dirty, rotten, lousy, lazy bum.
He said, my husband is working two jobs
to support your family.
And you sit there in a corner.
And you say, I'm sick. I'm sick.
You don't do anything. I'm going to get a job.
I mean, what do you mean you can't?
No, I'm just saying.
Though I would be begging back and forth
and fearless.
They could keep me so that I make five or six things.
Next thing you know, I said to my wife,
give me half a buck.
She said, but what?
I said, well, I can't sit in here.
Don't you see? I can't sit in here.
I'm a man. I'm supposed to be out.
I'm supposed to be working.
I'm supposed to be doing stuff here.
I can't take a quarter of that to my life and die.
She gave me half a buck.
I said, I'm cool. I just got one beer.
Just one.
I got one beer.
I could get it on the subway.
Don't you see?
I said, but I know you all can look for it.
Don't you see?
Or I'll buy you some money.
I'll do something.
But don't you see me sitting here?
Give me something.
So she gave me a very reluctant,
most violent, and did dialogue.
And I walked to her chest.
And she said, please, Jack, you know,
not again.
I said, no, no, no, no.
And as God is above me,
I didn't want nothing.
Nothing except one drink
so I would be able to maneuver.
And I would go down to the corner.
I would have one beer.
And I would throw it in my mouth.
It would hit my stomach.
And it was like somebody turned the king in my head.
Boom.
And I was a different.
Completely different.
Insane.
And I would say to the bartender,
don't put the bottle.
Put it back here.
But you got no money.
Don't worry about it.
Leave the bottle.
Or I could.
And I'd have seen her.
They would leave the bottle.
And then I would go out
and look for a cop
that had beat on me last week.
And I would find a cop
that didn't have to be the same one as anyone.
And I would beat him on the mouth.
And the next thing you know,
in the island,
we'd be here to bet with clubs again.
And bounced off walls
and all kinds of stuff.
Didn't drink,
didn't talk about the hospital.
Is there no end?
Yeah, there's an end.
Everything comes to an end.
And I stood in court one day
after my 12th lock-up in a hospital.
And my wife stood next to me
and my kid next to her.
And I said, what's going on?
She said, you'll find out.
Wait.
The judge said to me,
Jack, he knew me well.
I had been there many times.
I said, Jack,
I got some news for you.
I wouldn't stand sitting back down
because you'd see I was swallowing it all again.
I'd be scared.
I'd ice water in my stomach.
And he said, the doctors have given out the prognosis
on you and it's not good, son.
He said, you're a dead man.
You don't know it.
I said, judge, please.
Tell me what you got to say.
I mean, the eye and the ear, of course.
I don't like the attention, of course.
And I said, please, I'm sick.
Don't be much more.
And he said, Jack, the doctors say
that you'll not live for the next five years.
And that if you do live,
it'll be an insane institution.
Because you're starting from irreparable brain damage.
And he said, it's impossible for you
to know the difference between right and wrong.
And he said, you'll never ever work another day in your life.
And he said, they say, too,
that you're a homicide maniac.
And that maybe, perhaps, some night
you might watch your family out overnight
and not even know you did it.
And he said, we have to do something, don't you see?
I said, yeah.
And he said, we're going to remove you from your home
so as to protect you and your children.
And he removed me from my home.
And I went out the door and I said to my wife,
is this what you want?
She said, yeah, that's what I want.
Because by that time, I had two children,
a boy and a girl.
And she got up real close to me
and I'll never forget that terrible hatred in her face.
And she said to me,
you're almost the same thing that I'm going to say.
You're married to a panicked, imminent world
that hates everybody that's coming to contact you.
So get out of our lives
and leave us alone, you pretty rotten bum.
These kids are going to get a chance to live without you.
You're not going to spoil their lives.
Mind your spoils, I'll tell you.
Because if you come back to where I'm living,
my children are just getting crusted in these children now.
If you come near our home,
I'm going to put a knife in your bum
and I'll tell you, like somebody could have told you
a long time ago,
you're useless.
So he took me out of there
and threw me over the 20,000 and the fuckway.
And they said, hey, bum,
don't come back to Brooklyn.
We'll have you up to the olive wall.
I have never yet heard anybody
who was ever thrown out of Brooklyn.
As far as I know, I'm the only one.
I went to New York
and I was full of, you know,
alcoholic delusions.
I was going to get a gun, I was going to go this,
I was going to knock off a couple of joints,
I was going to make good sports, you hear?
No.
No.
Booze had taken its toll.
I was nothing, like Scott said.
I was nothing.
I went to New York and I didn't know nobody
on Mulberry Street no more.
I didn't know nobody on Mark Street.
I wound up on a battery in New York.
And I was on a battery for about two years.
I was two and a half years.
I never had to recommend.
And I'm going to tell you what it's like
to live on a battery.
Never, never land.
You see those people down there now,
they don't feel anything.
Nothing.
They're not there.
They walk somewhere in Hawaii
or they're not on a battery.
They don't know anything
what's going on around them.
They're just existing.
And that's where I live.
They used to walk around the street
to walk and get me.
And the only thing I knew
was to hate and curse God.
And I'd create the highest power
every time I'd open my eyes.
You know how it is on a battery,
you know you lay there
and you come to.
And I wouldn't sleep nowhere
except in the street.
I'd start to smell the cold.
I'd fall down subway stairs
and I'd rip my head out.
And I didn't know how to breathe.
And if I dropped two buses
and all of the bills
and I was beaten
and I felt nothing.
Only one thing I felt.
Why didn't the guy upstairs
pick me?
And every time that I woke up
and I would smell myself
before I opened my eyes
I'd say, oh my God, no.
I couldn't be here.
Maybe I'll call up my mom
and I'll wake up.
I'm somewhere else.
It's only a bad dream.
No, it wasn't a bad dream.
It was there in reality.
And when I finally was forced
to wake up
and look at the day
and look at the night
and whatever happened to me
I would cry, God.
And I would say,
that you let me do this to me.
Well, I would have it on like this
and one day I'd hemorrhage
in the stomach
and I'd hemorrhage so bad
I was in the filthy toilet
trying to take a drink
and I couldn't
because I took a drink
and my stomach would come up.
I was so weak
I fell on my knees
and I took my chin on the floor
and it started to bum me.
I was so weak.
I was so weak.
I was so weak.
I was so weak.
I was so weak.
I was so weak.
I was so weak.
I literally watched myself
running down the toilet bowl
and I said to myself,
why do I fight?
Why do I fight?
I want to die.
Let me die.
And I threw the bottle
over my shoulder
and I said,
I am having trouble
with alcohol.
And for the first time
in my life
I would admit
that alcohol was my trouble.
And I threw the bottle
over my shoulder
and I let it go.
And I lay there
fully expecting
that it won't come.
But the man upstairs
just didn't like me.
Because while I lay there
I watched myself
falling down
and I said,
I'm going to die.
And then the narrow ends
came back.
I was home
with my children
in the yard
and I was on a ship
and I was everywhere
and then suddenly,
you know,
reality come back to me.
And I went back.
At that day
I had a meeting
and I had been with my wife
and I knew she was.
And I saw those nice people.
It was like I was
in their life.
I felt their heads
were coming down
and everybody
knowing that I was
drinking coffee
and walking
and I could see
the people.
And I said,
oh my God,
you have to have it.
You've got to.
And I must remember
what my mind was like.
I didn't go in
and snatch it
and snatch it
and that.
Because the doctors
were right.
I was completely
gone in the head.
I didn't know anything
about anything.
I didn't know
who the president
was,
what his name was,
what his name was.
Nothing.
But that's when
it came back to me
so clearly.
I know now
there was a man
up there
that put it there.
And I said,
my God,
it's only a moment
too late.
And I said,
why didn't I listen
when I had the chance?
And then something
inside me said,
maybe,
maybe,
possibly.
And I said,
oh my God,
could it be
that I could go
to that gate now?
That was my cry
in this bed.
That was my bottom.
And I hoped
that he would have
to go that far
to admit
that no problem
was out for all.
And I crawled
out of there
seven hours later
in my 80s.
And I made somebody
understand
what I was trying to say.
Because my mouth
was all infected.
My teeth were kicked
up into the roof.
My mouth,
my throat was very bad.
I was almost
fine.
I was in both eyes.
I had body lines.
I had hands
out of the back
of my neck.
I was filthy dirty.
All I owned
was a pair of pants
and a shirt
and a pair of slippers
they had on my feet.
A human wreck
mentally,
physically,
physically.
And somebody,
I don't know who,
said,
all right,
I'll call
840.
Sit down and wait.
And then he came back
in a little while
and he said,
they're coming
to go away.
Because the alcoholics
and the Valerie
had the habit
of moving
and they don't know
what he's moving.
So I had to
force him
to hold myself
there and keep
myself away
and say,
they're coming,
they're coming,
they're coming.
And then reassure
myself every few
minutes.
Maybe it was a dream
that I'd had.
Maybe I didn't
even speak
to anybody.
But my response
is they come
and his wife's
with him.
And when he
tells you
that there's
no religion
here in AA,
doesn't believe him.
Because I thought,
surely a guy
who came to me
would be named
Kevin Hasley
and I was Catholic,
right?
There's nobody
else in the world
just Irish Catholics.
If you were
anything,
anything else
when I stuck you up
I didn't even
give you coffee
or something.
You didn't come.
But you and I
were Catholic.
We used to get
coffee at home.
So I knew
that the guy
coming would go
have a big Irish
Catholic.
Catholic friend,
my sponsor
came in the door
and said,
oh my God.
And I looked
at him.
He said,
my name is
Sam Cone.
And I'm here
to help you.
He let
somebody tell me
that this is
a nice program.
Now,
there is no
religion in
England
just
it is love.
And I looked
at this man
and I said,
can you help me?
He said,
oh my,
yes.
Now you see,
he was either
the biggest
damn fool
that walked
the face
of the earth
or he knew
something that
a lot of people
didn't know.
Because you know
something?
He said to me,
if you come
with me
and see me
and you come
to AA,
you don't have
to drink no more
and you'll be
all right.
And I thought
of what the
doctor had said.
And he said,
no,
I don't care.
If you come
with me
and Jean
and you'll be
all right
and you won't
have to drink
no more.
And I said,
are you sure
of that?
Yeah,
I'm sure.
And I looked
in his eyes
and that man
knew.
And I looked
at his wife
and she was
holding her
hand over
her mouth.
I said,
maybe she
thought that
I was going
to scream
or something.
And she said,
you weren't
fooling me,
Jack.
Will you
come with us?
I said,
yeah,
I'll come with you.
And he took
me one
hundred feet
down
and he didn't
care to ask
if I'd
like to
watch
and he
carried me
to AA.
And you
know something?
I didn't
have to drink
no more
and I'm
all right.
Isn't
that amazing?
And it
was 25
years ago,
25 years
that I've
been privileged
to come
to AA
and partake
of a
beautiful
program
guaranteed
to work.
Three doctors
said I
wouldn't
make five
years
to limit
them.
And when I
see the other
guy,
he don't
look well.
He don't
look like
a woman.
And I
always tell
him,
Doc,
why don't
I tell
you?
And he
tells me,
he says,
you're
an
illiterate.
I know.
But you
still should
take care
of me,
because those
normal people
they need
you.
And I
grew.
And I found
what I was
looking for
in the
bottom
of a
bottle
all my
life.
I found
it right
here in
AA.
Understanding
it.
Because nobody
else has
made that
problem
out of
me.
He thinks
that.
No.
They would
say,
sit down,
Jack,
we need
you.
And he
would give
me a
cup of
coffee
because he
wanted
to drink
a cup
of coffee.
I had
a friend
over
and I
was like
a dog
and nobody
stood to
watch me.
I couldn't
hold that
people in
my hands.
I lived
my life
like a
stoner.
And little
by little
people said
to me,
Jack,
keep
coming,
God
damn
it,
you
won't
make
it.
You
just
keep
coming
and keep
your
faith
and you'll
be all
right.
And we
need you
so bad
and I
couldn't
understand
what they
were talking
about.
And I
asked my
father one
day,
I said,
hey,
I'll
come,
let me
know.
And these
guys tell
me they
need me.
And he
said,
oh,
Jack,
who's
doing
this?
We
use
And we
tell him
that if
he keeps
sitting,
don't
get like
that.
And he
said,
you
help
us
all
right.
And I
was so
happy.
This
is because
my
disease
affects
me
mentally,
physically,
and
spiritually.
My
one
disease
affects
me
mentally,
physically,
and
spiritually.
Mentally,
it's
disrupting
my
mind
completely.
I
would
take
this
very
spiritually.
It
brought
me
in
my
spirituality.
And
what
is
that?
It
doesn't
get
excited
over
like
a lot
of
people
do
here
in
their
day.
They
say,
I
want
to
be
a
sister
in
this
church.
No.
There's
only
this
in
the
neighborhood.
Didn't
he
tell
you
that?
But
Pastor
told me
that,
and I
knew
it,
because
he
was
a
Jew.
And
he
had
no
confession
to go
through.
And
he
was
sober.
And
when
my
brothers
and
sisters,
my
father,
nobody
would
come
near
me.
He
came,
and he
gave me
what I
had,
my
life.
And
he
said,
you
know,
we
live
in
that
way,
Jack,
but
you're
in
this
reality.
And
I
said,
what's
that?
And
he
said,
well,
you
know,
a
person
of
spiritual
is
wanted
and
needed
in
love.
And
he
said,
when
you're
an
alcoholic,
nobody
wants
you,
needs
your
love
to
you.
And
he
said,
we
love
you.
And
he
said,
now,
wait a
minute,
you
know,
you
told me
about
that
love
thing.
Of
course,
you're
a man,
you know,
I'm
a man
by
all
means.
So
I
want
you
to
come
to
this
in
all
ways.
And
he
said,
you
know,
he
said,
Jack,
we
love
you
because
you're
an
alcoholic.
Just
think
about
that
for a
little
minute.
We
love
you
because
you're
an
alcoholic.
Now,
I want
to ask
you
an
opinion.
Did
anybody
ever
love
you
because
you're
an
alcoholic?
Even
your
mother?
No.
They
love
you
inside
you
anymore.
But
they
didn't
love
you
because
you
were
one.
So
I
said,
oh,
I
understand
that.
And
then he
told me,
do I
have
one?
One
day I
went to
him and
I said,
I
love
you
my
life.
He
said,
you're
crazy.
He
was
a
nasty
little
dude.
And
I
used
to
tell him,
you're
a
little
bit
out
there.
He
talked
to me
funny.
I
don't
like
you
talking
to me
like
that.
He
said,
you're
not
that
stupid.
And
I
said,
I'm
trying.
He
said,
you're
trying
a little
hard.
He
said,
you
know,
you
got
one
and
I
won't
be
around
in
a
long
time.
I
said,
well,
I
still
owe
you
my
life.
He
said,
no,
you
don't.
He
said,
what
I
did
for
you
was
done
for
me.
And
the
guy
that
did
it
for
me
had
it
done
for
him.
And
the
guy
that
did
it
for
him
had
it
done
for
him.
And
he
said,
you
couldn't
talk
to
him.
I
said,
did
he
really
pay
you
out
for
me?
He
said,
sure,
who
the
hell
do
you
think
of?
I
had
this
old
business
here
in
God
and
higher
power.
And
he
said,
you
better
make
a
deal
with
him
because
the
guy
that
did
it
for
me
gratitude
got
it
somewhere
and
I'm
going
to
take
this
one
to
hell
with
you.
You
don't
know
why
I
said
to
him,
you
know,
he
pissed
on
you
out
after
dinner.
He
must
think
a lot
of
me
from
the
drinks
he's
not
on
the
wine.
I
heard
a lot
of
your
citizens
down
here,
but
you
know,
I
was
drinking.
I
said,
now
I
tell
you
something,
from
here
on
it's
going
to
be
different.
And
he
told
me
what
to
do,
I'm
going
to
do it.
I
don't
care
what
it
is.
He
told
me
what
to
do,
and
I'll
do
it.
And
he
was
telling
me
what
to
do
for
the
past
25
years.
And
you
know,
sometimes
I
say
to
him,
well,
all
right,
I'll
go
do
it.
But
I
said,
you're
right.
And
if you
get
in
trouble,
don't
come
crying
to
me.
You
know
something?
You
know
something.
You
know
what
the
hell
he's
doing.
And
sometimes
he's
dead
gone.
But
I
do
that
anyway,
because
I've
learned
from
hard,
cold,
and
big
things.
If
I
keep
my
hands
out
of
the
mess,
it
will
get
better.
And
if
I
did,
my
wife
came
back
to
me,
she
had
to
come
back
home
to
live
with
her,
the
man
and
wife.
And
I
did.
And
he
also
got
one
of the
terrible
ordeals
on my
part.
I
had
to
learn
how
to
live.
I
had
to
go
back
into
my
home
and
sit
down
and
see
that
I
didn't
know
and
learn
how
to
eat
with
a
knife
and
fork
and
what
I
did.
I
sit
down
in
the
basement
with
my
wife
and
she
could
teach
me
how
to
pronounce
words
because
my
mother
thought
that
she
must
get
the
word
and
it
comes
back
to
me.
I
had
to
get
my
mouth
operated
up
a
few
times.
My
wife
taught
me
how
to
speak.
My
little
girl
taught
me
how
to
eat.
And
my
son
used
to
look
at
me
and
taught
me
how
to
sleep
more.
A
little
bit.
And
everybody
was so
good
to me
and
everybody
taught
me
so
much.
My
wife
was
having
a
different
religion
and
after
being
an
indigenous
individual
and
spoke
to
my
wife
about
what
it
was.
And
one
day
she
said
to
me
Jack
I'm
going
to
stop
your
religion
because
I
believe
in
you
and
it.
And
she
came
up
to
the
table
and
she
was
converted
and
I
was
able
to
come
back
and
say
to
my
sister
at
that
time
the
same
day
I
wrote
N-O-L-T-H
in
Brooklyn.
I
then
asked
my
friend
upstairs
to
I
thought
that
I
had
been
healed
on
the
first
two
so
they
were
grown
up
without
me
to
be
raised
and
I
was
just
so
well
that
I
was
healed.
She
came
in
as
an
image
of
God
and
they
were
all
saying
this
little
guy
and
my
little
name
is
Adrian
and
at
19
years
old
I
believe
in
him
and
I
looked
at
him
and
I
see
God
I
look
at
him
and
I
see
my
hands
and
I
look
at
him
and
I
see
all
people
in
AA
this
is
what
we
are
raising
we
people
in
AA
for
younger
generations
beautiful
children
she
has
an
understanding
that's
so
deep
and
amazing
she
came
out
of
Pennsylvania
she
came
out
of
Pennsylvania
and
she
came
out
of
the
scholarship
merit
contest
one
half
of
1%
of
the
top
I
thank
God
for
AA
I
thank
God
for
all
that
he
blessed
me
I
thank
God
for
all
that
he
gave
me
to
win
for
me
and
I
want
to
tell
you
something
we
spoke
over
in
length
I
stand
here
to
walk
and
talk
about
the
mission
of
higher
power
and
I
tell
you
that
anything
that
I
say
is so
true
comes
from
my
heart
and
if
I
can
be
sold
and
have
to
be
good
and
over
and
have
to
do
and
I
have
my
ups
and
my
downs
and
I
lost
my
wife
on
January
27th
of
this
year
I
had
to
cancel
my
own
meeting
after
my
25
years
in
Midland
Texas
I
stayed
home
that
day
and
driving
because
my
friend
up
there
said
I
didn't
know
what
was
going
on
and
during
that
night
instead
of
being
in
Midland
Texas
I
was
home
and
my
wife
complained
and
she
was
in
a
test
and
from
1 o'clock
in the
morning
to 5
I
waited
in
the
emergency
room
and
the
doctor
came
out
and
told
me
she
was
dead
and
it
was
just
that
sudden
and
I
said
my
friend
I
said
I
don't
know
what
you're
about
and
for
the
moment
I
said
I'm
a little
confused
but
I
trust
you
because
you're
so good
to me
and
dangerous
to me
and
I
know
damn
well
that
you're
not
going
to
hurt
me
and
I
don't
know
what
you're
doing
but
it's
alright
and
I
can
thank
you
anyway
for
taking
this
so
quickly
and
I
went
outside
the
parking
line
in
the
road
that
my
kids
had
come
up
smiling
and
was
smiling
in
my
heart
I
went
outside
the
rain
and
I
said
that
my
boy
had
come
home
and
I
said
I
would
go
to
a
shelter
now
and
he
was
very
near
to
me
with
my
mother
I
think
he
was
my
life
everything
I
ever
did
was
to
her
she
looked
at
me
she
made
my
phone
call
she
reminded
me
of
my
daughter
came
back
to
me
and
I
said
that
you
never
knew
her
and
I
went
to
a
night
and
evening
and
I
never
seemed
anything
and
I
want
to
thank
all
these
people
everywhere
and
again
for
letting
me
share
myself
with
you
because
I
take
away
more
than
I
believe
because
you
belong
I
expect
that
I'm
one
day
I'll
die
too
and
I
have
a
little
hole
up
there
next
to
my
wife
the
tombstone
my
own
mom
has
a
dancing
live
dream
and
I'm
entirely
scared
that
her
time
with
the
two
of
them
and
her
she
was
having
time
of
life
we
got
one
day
I'll
join
her
beloved
mother
one
to
her
wife
I'm
not
unhappy
I'm
a very
happy
woman
and
I
love
AA
with
all
my
heart
because
I
know
that
I've
been
allowed
to
stay
I've
been
many
many
more
years
than I
should
have
and
I
spent
years
and
I
thank
each
people
that
the
faith
that
I
have
is
all
here
thank
as
much
as
you
need
I
have
enough
love
I
want
to
thank
those
people
for
inviting
me
down
here
I
want
to
tell
you
that
when
I
pray
for
the
secret
and
it
goes
that
I
meet
my
God
in
the
morning
when
my
day
is
at
its
best
and
His
presence
comes
like
sunlight
like
a
whirlwind
like
rain
and
all
day
long
His
presence
remains
and
all
day
long
His
face
is
me
and
the
feelings
they
become
are
very
trusting
so
I
think
I
know
the
secret
runs
from
many
troubled
ways
and
my
secret
in
the
morning
each
morning
throughout
the
day
and
when
I
think
I
go
to
pray
and
I
thank
God
for
giving
me
one
more
day
to
live
and
with
my
house
my
guys
and
all
of
my
people
thanks
for
my
sister
and
me
for
that
one
individual
I
was
speaking
to
has
faith
God
has
love
in
you
and
I
wish
you
all
have
those
blessings
I
love
you
God
may
the
Lord
guide
you
and
I
love
God
God
take
care
of
you
God
bless
you
God
bless
you
God
bless
people