There’s a Big Hungry Mouth at the Center of Your Being and the Only Thing That Shuts It Is Higher Power – Dottie S.

I'm an Elton like my name is buddy sure hi I'm so glad to be here I've been grateful for many years my sobriety and tonight I'm very grateful to be in an AA meeting it's been six seven weeks now since I've been able to be up and about this is my first time to talk since February and most of you know me I think you're four times a week because of my little thought here God has wondrous ways to perform miracles I thought there was something wrong with my eyes because at the end of the day I was having trouble seeing and I went to the eye doctor and he said there's nothing wrong with my eyesight but that the skin on my eyes was loose and it was hanging and resting on my eyelashes during the end of the day it's called a little baby you really want to know what the hell it is and he said I would suggest you have that skin removed well I've worn glasses all my life and I rub my eyes a lot and so the skin on your eyes is very you know fragile and it had just stretched too much so I went to this plastic surgeon wonderful man and while I was there talking to him about having this eye operation he said are you on any medication and I said no I am an alcoholic but I I take vitamins but I take quite a bit of aspirin and he said why and I showed him my thumb I said I have arthritis from that thumb and he said my god that's terrible it was so big and so swell and my own medical doctor had told me I had arthritis to take aspirin so I took a thing called ecotrim which is a heavy coated aspirin so it wouldn't upset my stomach but I'm extremely right-handed and so every time I would reach for a doorknob I'd hit that thumb or use a pair of scissors or open a jar or drive a car and I'd be like oh my god my car or the stick shift I hit that thumb all the time and I didn't realize I was doing damage to it and so when he looked at it he was shocked this doctor his name is Senjoji he's a Japanese doctor and he spent two and a half years in Vietnam repairing limbs especially fingers so he looked to take an x-ray and when they took the x-ray I had chipped away at the bone in the first part of my thumb so that it was all fragmented in there I almost lost my thumb but the miracle is if I hadn't gone into the eyes I never would have had the thumb looked at and within another month I'd lost my thumb so they had to get as much bone as they could on the top and bore a hole in the second joint and put it through and then put pins and everything and it's been a little over a month now the most painful thing I've ever gone through but I will come out with a thumb and I think god has wonders ways to perform his miracles I got bitter looking eyes I can see good this sucker hurts like hell it had quite an interesting thing too I never was an addict I'm an addict alcoholic you know as far as alcohol is being an narcotic but never unfilled they just weren't my generation and but I reacted terribly they had to give me a thing called something like percadam the pain was so extreme and I had the awfulest nightmares just awful nightmares I only took it about four or five days it was the worst thing I thought he'd sewn my thumb sticking out the side of my hand and that there was a head going down the street well I'd make one hell of an addict I'll tell you that I don't know what it was and my girlfriend moved right in and took care of me and my daughter was there and they had to convince me over and over again that I wasn't drunk I cried and cried that I was drunk even in my subconscious mind my body's pretty precious and I thank god for it well enough about me along the lines of my thumb let's talk about a disease called alcoholism a filthy rotten stinking terminal fatal cunning baffling powerful disease it'll take your mind or take your life you destroy everything that's wonderful it'll rob you of your self-esteem of all love and joy all self-respect the rottenest disease I think we're on command and we know now it's number one killer if all the statistics of the deaths were now put down as having been by alcoholism you'd be the number one it's the second largest cause of of insanity the needle disease being one of the toxins when you weren't drunk you wouldn't have got that so we got a real disease now you'd be proud kid you've got the disease proteinсте where's all the canила tired you on your YouTube Bruce to feed maybe I cannot do that D remaining But it's only been this recently they have actually done any testing to find out what is the difference between my body as an alcoholic and an unalcoholic's body. And years ago, the EOGT and Alcoholics Study did a real good research and helped me so much in it. They took six alcoholics from hospital life, and most of what I've read counting here now says there's no alcohol left. And they asked for six non-alcoholic volunteers. They gave the 12 people a pint of whiskey to drink, and then they waited 24 hours after the last drink, and they began testing again. And every one of the non-alcoholics they found either totally out of the body or in the bladder, or it would be passed out in the urine. But in every one of the alcoholics, dear ones, they found it in the spinal fluid. And we have a plan, we don't even know the name of it yet. They think it may be the adrenal cortex gland. It either fails to function as it did in my case, it never worked, I was alcoholic and drank one, or it breaks down by the use of alcohol. And once this thing happens, alcohol will not burn up, oxidize, and go through the proper channels. It'll go directly into your bloodstream, to your spinal fluid, and to your brain. Now the first part of your brain that's affected is in the front, right in here, and it contains the eye care factor, and that's sedated immediately. That's why one drink is too much, and a thousand aren't enough. If someone walked in here tonight and shot me in the front of the head with a shot of Novocaine, and deadened my brain and made me care, and I did all the crazy things I did when I was drinking, nobody would say, look at that no good woman, and say, hey, you know, her brain's knocked out, let's take care of her, she comes out of this thing. And so we have these people walking around with a part of their brain that makes them care about you or me or themselves, or their family, driving cars, doing these crazy things, and they can't help it. Right? Right? Right? Right? Now the last report that I've gotten, and I've been in the medical profession for a long time, and I've been in private practice the last 12 years, emotional counselor, I do a lot of studying and research, and the last one I got was just the one that really blew me away. It took six baby boys whose fathers were known alcoholics, random babies, and it took six babies whose fathers were not alcoholics, and they took brain waves on these 12 children. On the six babies whose fathers were alcoholics, they found different brain waves than they found on the children who were the children of the non-alcoholic fathers. They know it's hereditary, it is passed on through genes, you may skip a generation, it's like diabetes, if you have diabetes in your family, you're predisposed, but if you have alcoholism in your family, the only way you're going to escape alcoholism is not to drink. And yet, I'll bet you, and I'm not a betting woman, but I'll bet you with every bit of safety, that you ask anybody you know if they have alcoholism in their family's day, and they'll say yes. My aunt, my uncle, my sister, my grandmother was, my grandfather, my dad died of it. All true. It's getting worse. Has anybody noticed all the advertisements on television lately against alcohol? They're really putting forth a cool thing. I hope it'll work, but I doubt it. Good. I diligent search happening. All they're doing is beating like crazy. They say that and I get back at them and get back at them. OK. I had to find out my ex-boyfriend. Sometimes that will be so scary. It's their first careeer coming in. They and they they don't know what they're dealing with. So, the second day is another ounce of pain. The second day and the fourth day. One day they have them in at least three mistakes. One day they are克led and completely resigned and they shut down. They're eating pills. Or they're at least feeling better at something. They'll say, what the hell is this medicine? And they'll tell them, do you think are you just gonna let them live forever? Yes. Sorry I guess. No. Think. very sensitive and I'm going to speak to a man. I'll choose a prophet in this generation. And he picked Bill Wilson and he talked to him and Bill's mind and heart was open. And there was another man named Bob Smith, Dr. Bob. And he gave the message. Every time I read the 12 steps and the book, the AA book, chapter three to five and on, I think, don't tell me 100 drunks wrote that book. Come on. God wrote that book using those people because it's perfect. The greatest philosophy in the world. And it's so simple. And if we apply it, there is no problem in our life that will not fall under John. It is absolutely the best thing I've ever seen. And I've studied it all. 100 drunks wrote it. Amazing. Now that's fine. So, you know, you have physical allergy. You can put the cork in the bottle and never touch another drop as long as you live and being miserable as hell. Because alcohol, I think, is only a symptom of a deeper sealed problem. See if we only had just the disease, if we only have just an allergy like the diabetic, I have a dear friend an AA who's a diabetic. And she has to be very careful. She can't go barefoot because she She gets cuts on her feet. They don't heal. She has to eat every so often and take insulin. She follows those rules right down the line. She doesn't say, oh, hell, I don't care. I think I'll have a little sugar today. Now, say you break out in giant highs. Have you ever seen giant highs look like baking powder biscuits? I worked in the pharmacy for many years. And you come in with these great big giant things on them. From some big strawberries. You think they'd say, oh, I'll only eat the little strawberries now. I'll leave the big ones alone. I'm going to break out with those damn things. But you and I can know that alcoholism is robbing us of everything that we want and love. And still say, yeah, but you understand, this time will be different. I'm going to want just a little drink. I always want a little drink. I'm going to get a little drunk every time. I don't know about you guys. Why do we do that? Because, loved ones, we have the most mysterious part of our disease. That you'll ever come across. It's up here and it's called the obsession of the mind. And that's the thing that if it is not gotten rid of, I don't care how many times you sit your little panties in meetings, or how much you work for AA, you're going to make it. Because the little voice up here says, but you don't understand, this time is going to be different. And what puts it better than I can? The great obsession of every abnormal drinker. That somehow, someway, someday, we're going to control and enjoy our drinking. The delusion is astonishing. Many will pursue it as the gates of insanity and death. And I happen to be one of those nuts that had to pursue alcoholism as the gates of insanity and death. So I know what I'm talking about. So that's the obsession. I came to AA on February the 8th, 1950. That's 35 years ago. I was only 8 years old, of course, when I came through the doors. Those dirty laughs. Don't you love them, Jim? Everybody always laughs dirty when I say it. Everybody always laughs dirty when I say it. Everybody always laughs dirty when I say it. You sure know how to hurt a girl, don't you? And I weighed 82 pounds. And I was a suffering malnutrition. And my lips were split and bleeding at the corners from the amount of vitamins. And I was insane. I couldn't drive a car. Couldn't arrange my hair by myself. Couldn't buy a dress by myself. I was unemployable. I was a total basket case. I was married. I had two kids. And I was scared to death of everything. That's who I was when I walked through the doors of North Hollywood on February the 8th, 1950. And I looked at you people and I thought, you can't be alcoholics. Because I had an idea in my mind of what an alcoholic was. That was a woman with a smeared lipstick and the hair mushed up and she's in a bar soliciting for a drunk, right? And a man down there on a skid row, holes in the shoes and wine bottles. Isn't that an alcoholic? I must have drank two years longer than I had to. Had I not had that caricature in my mind of what an alcoholic is. And I came into North Hollywood, Radford Street, and turned around and looked at all these people. I said, you can't be alcoholics. But then a man got up and made a talk. He talked about losing two fifths a day and being with sanitarians in jail. He talked about 502s and 86ers. He mentioned more numbers than I'd ever heard before in my life. He had convulsions. He totaled out five cars and lost his family. And I thought, holy cow. I scared myself into this thing. I didn't drink that much that long to do those things. Maybe I'm a little alcoholic. I can't be a little pregnant, you know. But I'll tell you something, loved ones. I tried to identify with the drinking pattern. And if you do, you're in trouble. Because today, I still have not heard anybody who drank the small amount that I did. Is it how much you drink? Is it how long you drink? Is it what brand? With whom? Whether you're periodic or daily? Or whether you eat or you don't? No. That's not what constitutes alcoholism. I think the simplest thing, and it's almost oversimplified, is can you guarantee what's going to happen if you take one drink? I can't. I will die. Because I had to go on to prove that. Well, in 1950, it was like a men's day group. Almost all men, very few women. And all of them were a lot older people than me. Like I am now, damn it. You should say, you're so young to be an alcoholic. I wish they'd say that to me now. I'd kiss them. And, anyhow, the women wanted to hear women speakers. So they found I had this gift of gab, which you didn't know about until, you know. And they put me on the circuit when I was 49 days dry. And I spoke in Vegas, Florida, San Diego. And in Riverside, the Santa Barbara. And in a place in between. I went to 365 meetings that first year. I had more babies of North Life than anybody. People patted me on the back and told me how wonderful I was, and I agreed with them. And that was to be my downfall. You know what would get you drunk faster than the next drink? Ego. Spelled E-G-O. Edging God out. That'll get you every time. Any time you start saying, look what I've done. You're going to turn around and say, what's wrong with me? You're going to turn around and say, what the hell have I done? Because it ain't going to work for you. But I loved it, and I got well, and my weight came back on, and my family quieted down, and I got my first birthday, and everything was wonderful. And I guess I thought I graduated when I got my first cake. I had rehearsed my acceptance speech for six months. You should have heard it. It was wonderful. And I really thought I was something wonderful. And then I got bored. Do any of you remember that song, The Thing You Need Us To Sing? Is that all there is? Well, if that's all there is, let's keep on dancing. Let's break out the booze and have a ball. And if you ever sit in an AA meeting and say, is that all there is to AA? Sitting in these damn hard chairs, smoking, smelling all that cigarettes, and drinking that lousy coffee, hearing that dumb broad up there talking. Is that all there is? You get there, you better watch out. Because pretty soon you'll say, well, if that's all there is, let's break out the booze and have a ball. And so they did. They're bored. You know, I got just so much of this patting on the back and telling me how wonderful I was. And I was tired. My God, I had adrenaline going through me like crazy. I went back to work three months after I got sober. Held down a 40-hour week job. Took care of two kids and a husband and an apartment. Went out every night. You know, you've got to know how tired I was when it was all over. So I broke my meeting pattern. I kind of sat back waiting for the newcomers. Sat back waiting for people to call me. Wouldn't call them. And get damn lonesome that way. And see, I didn't even know all this was going on. It wasn't until I looked back that I realized the bad pattern I'd set up. I went to a meeting on June the 10th, 1951. It was a beginner's meeting. And the leader said, how many people are new? And about 15 people raised their hands. You know what that guy said? He said, you're the most important people in the room. I thought to myself, what the hell they are. You lose a new drunk, you haven't lost too much. But you lose a new timer now like me, you know. You're all 16 months of sobriety. So I looked there angry that night. And I went and got in my car. Usually those are meeting after meeting. And I'm driving home the matter now. And my mind says, I know what I'll do. I'll fix them. I'll get drunk. And are they going to be sorry? So I used to get drunk at Al all the time in my husband's. Now I'm going to take the whole North Hollywood group and get drunk at them. And I'll go in and pull a fantasy. You can't do that to me, Trane. Yeah, I guess it's bigger than me that's going to do it. Well, I'll drink to that. Should we all have a little drinky poo? Well, my mind immediately, I knew it was going to be a fix. And I knew Al was going to be mad. But I didn't care because into my fantasy land went this thought that Al would come home and find me drunk. He'd go to the phone call in North Hollywood. He would say, Dottie's drunk. And they'd say, oh my God, no. And they'd get in the caravan of cars and come over to 12 Stepnake. And when they got over there, they'd ask me to forgive them. And I'd make amends to me. And I'd forgive them. And we'd all hug and kiss. And they'd take me back to North Hollywood. And I'd be a newcomer again. Good fantasy, wasn't it? All righty. Well, I'm sure you know that's not what happened. I get up the next morning on June the 11th, 1951. A day I hope I'll never forget. And I walk to the liquor store. I was afraid to drive. He badged something that a blackout was. I thought a blackout was when I was just a kid. I thought a blackout was when I was just thinking too much. And four hours would go by. I told my sponsor, I said, you know, I get such heavy thinking. The four hours go by and I don't know where they went. She said, thinking? Hell, you're in a blackout. So I didn't want to drive or do that. You taught me a lot about drinking. So I walked to the liquor store and about to have a pint and I came home. I didn't cork it and I took my first drink. And darling, let me tell you something. When that whiskey burned my throat, if someone had slapped me in the face and waked me out of the dream, couldn't have been more violent. That is the first conscious realization that I had that I drank. I was drunk up here long before I went through my mouth. See, when you reach for the drink, that's the end. You get drunk up here. The thought of drinking starts up here. And the E.E. book warns us that our life must become an open book to one other human being. The secrets will kill us. And that's why it's so important to have a sponsor who keeps on talking. And knows your emotional pulse. When you start getting off theme, they can spot it. It is not a do-it-yourself program. It is you and God in another human vein. Now you don't have to do it this way. Do it your own way. You see, my way got me drunk. I'll do it A.A.'s way anytime. I have pursued this to the gates of insanity and death. I don't want to go any further. Now I remember thinking, my God, what have I done? There goes 16 months of sobriety shot to hell and I stood there terrorized. And I waited and nothing happened. My next thought was, I know I wasn't like those drunk children in Hollywood. And I went out in the kitchen to have a second drink. Now what I tell you now, and many of you have heard it, but I don't want to forget it. I was told to be by my husband and my sponsor. Al was an outside salesman and he knew all the squirrels out there. There was no Al-Anon in those days. So he decided to knock off the territory and come home and see what was going on. And he heard me screaming a half a block before he got to the house. And when he opened the house door, the front door, I was on the front of the floor beating my heels and kicking and screaming until I almost broke the bones in my feet. I had dry heaves until I broke a blood vessel into my esophagus and I'm vomiting blood. And I had rest until I broke the blood vessels in my eyes and there was no whites left. And the sum total I had that morning was three straight shots of whiskey. He said, how much you drink? He said, a lot. He said, what you do? He said, a lot. I said, a lot. He said, is that alcoholism? It's a deadly poison to me. Now he tried to get me up off the floor and put me on the davenport and when he did I went totally limp. And he was terrorized. We lived in a bed around the city at the time and he remembered there was a medical center two blocks away. Now please remember there was no care unit, there was no hospitalization, nobody would touch us with a ten-foot pole. And yet he knew he had to get medical attention. So he just ran out of the house and ran the two blocks up to the front door. And he ran the two blocks up to this medical center and there were seven doors along the sidewalk. And he came to the first one available and the doctor's office was full of people. And he went up to the receptionist and she was busy so he went past her into the doctor's examining room and grabbed him by the arms and said, my wife's been sober sixteen months, she's drinking and she's dying, will you come? And the first of many miracles was set forth for me. Because I've worked in the medical profession all my life and they hate alcoholics. Because they can't help us. They don't like people they can't help. It's a blotch on them, you understand? So he should have said get the rescue squad or get out of my office or, you know, anything. But he told me later the doctor said just look at your husband, he was totally insane with fear. He said he knew he was telling the truth. So he never said a word. He picked up his black medical bag, walked out of an office full of people and ran the two blocks to my home. And you know why he did it? He was an alcoholic. One of seven doctors knew he was the only alcoholic in the building and the only one who would have come. Isn't that odd? That's God. People say what a coincidence, I think that's a complicated way of spelling God. When he got to the house he put a set scope on my chest. He turned to my husband and said we're too late. There's no heartbeat, no pulse, no respiration. So on June 11, 1951, Dottie Shore died of a killer terminal. Filthy, rotten, cunning, baffling, posh. Filthy, rotten, cunning, baffling, posh. Baffling, powerful disease called alcoholism. The only reason I'm here tonight is by the grace of God. We use that word, grace of God, to kind of throw it around. The grace of God means a free, unearned, unmerited, unwarranted gift. And I was granted that when I was on the floor bleeding. The doctor took a needle about that long, my husband said, out of his bag and shot me directly in the chest cavity. He gave me artificial resuscitation and truly by the grace of God my heart started beating. He told me later, he said, I didn't think it was going to do any good, but I had to do something to console your husband. Now they could have brought my heart back beating, but with the brain damage I couldn't have suffered from my heart not beating for that length of time. But see, God had something he wanted me to do. I was fully convinced of that as I'm standing before you. When I came out of that drunk, I knew that I knew that I knew that God wanted me to do something. And I pledged myself. And I pledged myself to him a couple of days later and I said, I don't know what you want me to do, but I promise you I won't ever be too tired or too busy to ever answer a call for anyone. Just use me for your glory this time until I'm all used up. Boy, you better be careful when you pray that prayer because it's sure he'll use you. It's wonderful. I now have been privileged to speak almost every state in the United States now at conventions. And may I brag a little bit. I've just been asked to speak at the 50th International Convention. In Montreal. Live. Woo. When she called me from New York, I cried my heart out and couldn't answer. I apologized and she said, oh, it's so nice to know somebody so thrilled. And I said, well, it's kind of like playing in the palace, you know. You speak for 34 years in AA and then you finally hit the palace. And I'm really thrilled. I'll speak at a meeting. It'll be an old-timers workshop. There's two other people and myself out of the whole world who's going to talk on old-timers. I think that's pretty great. But anyway, when I came back, I knew I had a missing link. I knew that it wasn't because I didn't go to meetings because I did. It wasn't because I couldn't quote the book if I can. It wasn't because I didn't make 12-step calls because I sure did. It wasn't because I didn't speak because I sure did. Where's the missing link? Well, I had to listen and find out. And I found out that I didn't know we had a three-fold disease. An allergy to the body and obsession with the mind. I thought that was it. We have a three-fold. We have a spiritual illness. And all through the book it talks about it. And I'm not talking about religion. But I'll tell you this. And I hope you'll listen to me. Don't have any prejudice about a power greater than yourself. And say to yourself, I don't believe in that power greater than myself. Oh, don't you? Well, Bruce is a power greater than yourself. And he has played the tune you've done the dance for quite some time. We just ask you to take your life out of that destructive power called alcohol. And find a power where yourself is constructive. Now, all through the e-book it says no human power can relieve alcoholism. But God can and will have sought. It says as you get well spiritually, the physical and the emotional will follow. All through the place it talks about how we have to get well. I've come to the conclusion that we are insatiable. We have a big hole right here at the center of our body. A big hole right here at the center of our being. A great big mouth. It's insatiable. You can throw any damn thing you want in there. Booze and sex and drugs and money and property and prestige. And for a couple of days we're satisfied. And that damn mouth gets hungry again. It's insatiable. And when I found out that the only thing that's going to fill up that hole is God. Then that mouth closed. And I could take a big breath and it went all the way down and came back up. And when I got that hole, which is a God hole filled up, then everything else that I needed was kind of added. I got the love and the admiration and the pats on the back for doing good. Not for bragging or being a braggadocio person. But because I put God in there first. And I don't know about you people, but I've recently, the past seven years, started reading the Bible. And you know the A book was taken from the Bible. It was taken from the Bible. It was taken from James and Corinthians chapter 13 and the Sermon on the Mount. But there's some statements in there that sound so much like A that it kind of amazes me. It says, it is God's pleasure to grant us his kingdom. And a lot of people say, you know, God's going to punish me and God made me sick and God killed my mother. And they make a killer and a disease thrower out of God. He said, I'm going to open the windows of heaven and pour you out of birth and death. And I'm going to give you a kingdom. It's more than you can receive. You come to Alkali Synonymous and they'll say, hey, put the cork in the bottle. Go to some meetings and work these steps. And we have 12 promises for you. Now take those 12 promises that Alkali Synonymous gave you and see if you can find every one of them in the word of God. That's why I say this program was not written by a hundred drunks. It was written by God for you and I. In language that we can understand. I had a hard time with a Catholic God. I think we took all the Irish Catholics out of AA with the whole thing falling apart. And everyone had trouble because they were taught fear. And I couldn't buy it. And I'm not talking against the Catholic Church. I'm talking about a parish priest who was a practicing alcoholic that scared me to death. And one of the greatest things through prayer and meditation that God showed me is that he wasn't a Catholic. He's not a Baptist. He's not a Methodist. God is not religious. Religion is a man-made way of worshiping God. God is spiritual. And I've come back to be a Christian and to read the scriptures and to go to a church of my choice. I'm not trying to put that on you. That's just what I've found. I like to go first. I do a lot of praying and meditating. A lot of terrible things have happened to me since I've been sober. And not once have I had to get drunk. June 11th of this year, if I continue to do what I did today, I will have 34 years of sobriety. And I'm only 39. And you figure that out. But it's a miracle. You've got to never say you've never seen a miracle. Because I'm a miracle. I was at the gates of insanity. I had hallucinations and blackouts. And I'd see people looking in the window at me. And I'd go around and pull the window shades down and take a drink. And pull the window shades back up. And I saw foam come out of the hardwood floors. That's the first sign of brain damage. And then I'm pronounced dead. And I didn't drink that much, remember. But does it make any difference if it's going to kill you? You put a little drop of gasoline on the fire, does it blow any less than you put a gallon? Don't do that to yourself. Identify with the thinking of the alcoholic, not the drinking. The thinking pattern is the same. The drinking pattern is different. The first thing that went down, I had a talented sister who was two years older than I am. Right about this time, she was a champion skier and model. And my mother just adored her. She dressed her like a princess. I had a baby sister nine years younger. And just her very baby-ness, she got dressed cute. And I wore holes in my shoes and put cardboard in them. My last year in school, I wore one skirt and two blouses. I washed a blouse every night. I was really truly a Cinderella in that home. And yet I tried after I got sober to help my oldest sister to stay sober. And she died. Three years after I was sober, she died. Terrible death. Strokes in the liver. She blew apart. She bled from every opening of her body. Had everything going for her. Radio singer, champion skier, model, everything. Would not stop drinking. Two and a half years ago, I lost my youngest sister to alcoholism. Tried for five years to help her. My oldest daughter is an addict alcoholic. Sober 20 years now in the program. My grandson, her son, sober 13 years on the program. Goes all through our family. My husband and I are divorced after 33 years of marriage. You know, it's wonderful to have a program. He went into business with an alcoholic partner and I begged him not to. I said, the man's an alcoholic and he'll take you down. He said, everybody drinks too much who thinks they're an alcoholic. I said, take someone to know one. Nine months after he went into business, sold her house, took all her money, and broke. And he never recovered. He went to Al-Anon for 12, 13 years. He started the central office of Al-Anon. And most people don't know that my ex-husband was the instigator of the Al team. He worked very hard in the business end. But the day he walked out of the bankruptcy court, he never attended another Al-Anon meeting. And I stayed with him another eight years watching him. Compulsively overwork and compulsively sleep. And I loved him too long to hate him. I've known him since I was 14. And so I had to walk away. Those are not nice things. But never once has God left me comfortless. Never once have you people ever turned away from me. Never once when I came to you crying did you ever say, what the hell are you upset about? You, Donnie, you were there. You've always been there. You always will be there. The people who were so wonderful to me when I had this hand operation. It's like they came out of the woodwork. I was so surprised that so many people really cared. This is a wonderful way to go. And see, getting drunk wouldn't have brought me any better. It wouldn't have brought my sister back. Getting drunk wouldn't have helped my marriage. Getting drunk will not fix it anymore. Do you know that? Getting drunk is not a fixer. If I can't handle it sober, I can't handle a drunk. But let me tell you the joys I've had. Like I've told you. I believe now there's only two states in the union that haven't spoken at a convention. All expenses paid. Can you imagine paying for an old drunk to come out there and they meet you in a car and take you to a hotel. And treat you like a visiting queen. All the time you're just a sober old drunk. Now, I'll tell you what you did for me. You restored the lost years of my youth. I'm never looking tonight than I was when I came to the program three or four years ago. I lost my teens and I lost my twenties. I lost some of my thirties because it took me a long time to get well. But you restored all those to me. You gave me self-esteem. I never had to get it back. I never had it. You gave me that. And self-respect. You gave me love beyond measure. You gave me the ability to share. To get out of myself. The privilege of talking to people and giving away a little bit of what God gave me. And I vowed, you know, for him to use me all the days of my life. So I'm all used up. I've done that. I've got some more to go yet because I've got a lot of talking to do. But it's a wonderful way of life. And people say, well, I can't talk like you do. I can't get up and talk. You don't have to. You've got a neighbor sitting right next to you. This means to have you hold their hand. You see a newcomer come in and raise their hand. Don't be a nerd who clicks. And talk to your friends and let the newcomer sit. I went up to Santa Barbara the other night. Not the other night. Quite a while ago. I walked into a meeting. Not one person said hello to me. I was the speaker. And I walked in. Nobody said a word. I sat at a table like this table here. And tried to start a conversation. There was nobody listening. There were all these little clicks. And I got up and talked. But after I got through, they were all around telling me, I'm sure glad. I said, why didn't you speak to me when I first came in? I said, if I'd have been a newcomer, I'd have had to leave here. Because not one of you spoke to me. And I really wrapped them. The problem is they never asked me to speak again. But I don't care. I went over to West Hollywood the other night. And there was ten birthday cakes. And not one person thanked God. They thanked their plumber and their chauffeur and their mother-in-law. Never one of them thanked God for the sobriety. And I thought, how many of them are going to be there next year? If no human power relieves alcoholism, and God can and will have thought, then why can't God get the credit? See, if I do something, you better damn well give me the credit. Don't you take it. Because I'll fight your right toenail for toenail, won't you? But look at what we do. Look what I've done. And then everything that's wrong, look what God did. Blame it on Him. We're just so awful mixed up as we came along. And there's no sense in that. It's amazing how many times I've learned that when I say no to God, is the time I should say yes. I have a little sign. It just has two words on it. It says, yes, Lord. And I have it over my sink. And I learned a real, real lesson. When my mother died in 1969, she was the dominating person in my life. And my father was there. He was like a faceless figure. Because my mother blamed my dad for everything. Everything I didn't have in my life was my dad's fault. And so I just wiped my dad out. And I was totally obsessed with my mother. Now, I grew up and married and went back to Reno, my hometown, to visit mom and dad, which was a laugh. I just went to see my mother. I kissed dad and said hi and never spoke to him again. I didn't cut him or hurt him. He was just nothing to me. So in 1969, when my mother died, I went to Reno. My younger sister and I went up there. And I helped my dad as much as I could. And he decided to leave Reno and go down to Northern California to live with my younger sister. I was really delighted. Great. Have a good time, dad. Just don't come see me. I don't care. And I didn't hate him, but I didn't, you know, nothing. So I stayed with my sister for quite some time. In the meantime, her alcoholism was getting worse. And finally, two and a half years ago, she dies. And I went up there. And my brother-in-law, who deserves a medal, was taking care of my father all this time. And he said, I can't take care of him anymore because I don't want to have to go home and fix his meals. We'll put him in a retirement home, either here or down there while he can have his choice. So we asked dad what he wanted. He said he wanted to stay up there. He was a senior citizen. He had a pool and all. Another, phew, boy, that's great. I'm out again. And so he was up there for about a year and a half. And he was out there. And then my brother-in-law followed me last March. March the 5th, just a year ago. And he said, Dottie, I'm going to get married again. I'm leaving the area. You're going to have to come and get your dad. Well, criminy, I can't tell you. It's like somebody hitting you in the fist, in the stomach with their fist. How can I do this? How can I? I'm in private practice, booked every hour on the hour. How can I take care of my clients and go around talking and take care of a 90-year-old man? And I kept saying, no, Lord, no, this is terrible. And my gut's just churning. Whenever I get that gut churning, I know I'm out of God's will. And so I was walking and praying. And I thought, God, I can't do this for me. And I can't do it for Dad. But I can do it for you. If this is really what you want. And a thought went through my mind, honor thy father and thy mother. And honor doesn't mean like or love. Honor means you will not see them in want. And my father was in want. And so I said, all right, I don't understand it. Nevertheless, not my will but thine be done. And it was like a load went off my shoulders. And I found a home for him here. And I got in a TSA and I went up there. And with a wheelchair and a stretcher chair, I brought him down here. He wasn't here for three days, so I fell totally in love with him. A dear, more wonderful man you've never seen in your life. I never saw him before. Now, about three years ago, I was in a hospital. I was pumping him or crying, just sitting and talking to him. I found so many wonderful things that happened when I was a child. But I was too neurotic to see him. All I can tell you is all the bad. But he brought up things that we did when I was a child that were really wonderful. I hadn't been here very long. And moving him was traumatic. And he got pneumonia and had to put him in the hospital. And the man who was in the bed next to him, within two days, died. When I called to talk to my dad that night, they said they had moved him to another room. I knew what had happened. So I go tearing over at the hospital. And I said, Daddy, would that upset you? And he looked at me so strangely. He said, Daddy, it was his time. His time had come. And I said, how did you ever get such good built-in AA? You know, instead of being upset. And he said, when you got my... I said, why couldn't I get some of your genes? He said, well, you got my youthful genes. Which I did. My dad was 90 and didn't look like it. I got a chance to talk to him in many ways. And then June came along. May came along. May the 18th last year was his 91st birthday. Now, I'm fortunate enough to have three grandchildren. And my granddaughter has a baby. So I am now a great grandmother. Now, please tell me I don't look old enough to be a great grandmother, okay? But this is the joy of my life. And he loved my dad. Now, my dad was his great, great father. Which is very unusual. And the LA Times came out and took a picture of the five generations. And my dad was so pleased. He walks very well except with a cane. But he didn't walk. But I couldn't take him anyplace because he couldn't walk for long. And so I had to talk to him to ride a wheelchair. And he pondered and finally said, all right, let's go for it. I took him every place in the wheelchair, the marine land and all. He had such a good time. We gave him this beautiful birthday with balloons and streamers. And he just had such a time. So then June comes along. And I'm going to Palm Springs Roundup. And my daughter and my granddaughter said they would go see him. He was in what we call a residential care. And they took excellent care of him. They bathed him and cleaned his room and gave him his medication. And I could take him out. And so one was going to pick him up on Saturday and take him to lunch. And one on Sunday. And I would be back on Sunday night. So I went on Saturday. And usually I would go out in jeans or something. But I was dressed up. I was going to Palm Springs. And my daughter said to me, damn, but you're a fine looking woman. I'll never forget that. He said, now don't get too sunburned. And I said, I won't. And he threw me a big kiss and I left. And I called him on Saturday in the morning. And I called him Saturday night. Said he had a nice lunch with Sandy. And he was going to go to lunch with Chris on Sunday. Sunday morning, the 10th of June, the phone rang. And my daughter said, Mama, grandpa's gone. And he died very quickly. Now, it was such a shock to me. All I could think about was, why didn't he bring my daughter home? Why didn't he leave before I got there? Which was, you know, insane. He had the gout. His hand was bad. He might have initially had to have it amputated. But as it was, he got up to get dressed. He put his pants on. And he just dropped dead. Now, I had him with me two months and 18 days, Fran. And I was so happy. So no matter how bad anything looks, even his hand, even my eyes, when I went to the doctor, I thought, oh, why do I have to have this darn thing with my eyes? But out of that, he brought this, which is good, because I won't lose my thumb. He does care. And he does love me. He's very slow, but he's never late. But the trouble with you and I is, from the time we give it to God and the time he answers, we get in trouble in the time lag. But I learned one thing this past year, I think, more than ever before. And I may truly say, nevertheless, not my will, but mine, be done. God bless you, and thank you for having me tonight. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.