The Way He Did Everything One Day at a Time – Jim W.

Glad he asked Joe. Joe only sees the good in you. Told Terry, I said now when we run into Joe, Joe's going to look right straight in the eye and say sure it's good to see you but he can't see you at all. he did just exactly what I knew he was going to do I love alcoholics you know they're going to do it you may not like it but they're going to do it Stormy I'm sorry you ought to go back out there you didn't do enough while you were out there God I was thinking I may go with you because there's some things there I missed really enjoyed Thank you, Johnny. I really enjoy it. I'll tell you one thing about Jim Welch too. He makes sure you're coming. He knows alcoholics pretty well. He checks on you. I finally asked him, I said, what do you want? He said, just wanted to make sure he was coming. I said what were you doing? on you. Well I really don't have anything to tell since I was over here last. I've only got a divorce, gotten remarried, had cancer and prostate operation and my group kicked me off the steering committee and then brought me back. And then I told them I said I'm not too sure why I want work with you bastards anymore or not. I love you, Mesquite AA is the friendliest AA in the United States. It's different anywhere else, different than right down here at those city folks. It is different in Fort Worth. They're the people that when you walk in they don't check you out first, they just go ahead and love you. Most groups She said, well, we'll have to let them stay around here a while and see if we're going to like them or not. And then they said, well, I think, you know, maybe Ann's going to be all right. She didn't look too good right at first. Looks like she's going to work out all right now. But she proved, you know, Beverly, all of them, these gals just get prettier, which is something you have to look forward to. I know you hate it, but there's nothing you can do about it. Well, I am Jim Williams and I'm an alcoholic I'm really not supposed to be an alcoholic Hell, I'm supposed to be a southern, southern Baptist We're the ones, you know, that pray for the Catholics They drink, you know We're the real ones We're the ones that really really had it When you go to Southwest Seminary, they brand you and then they go out and brand these other kids. And they branded me in a little old bitty town out in Northwest Texas named Crowell. And the guy standing up there just like me said, if you think it, you might as well have done it. Well, I knew I must be thinking it because I knew how I was going to do it if whatever it was. I just hadn't thought about it yet. And then they'd look at you and sing songs and point at you. I'm going to sing this last stanza for that one right back there. God, your throat will hurt. God, you know they're talking about you now. It's not like a, hey, hey. So old Joe lay in the ditch last night. If he lives, we'll get him. And this bunch, they see that gleam in your eye. They know you're getting ready to do it. They say, ooh. The barter starts praying. They hone in on you. Well, I kept doing that until I got to about 13, which will happen to you. you do it one day at a time and I got around this girl in the car after school and I've got those funny feelings and I told him about they said we didn't meaning to talk to you see I knew that you know we've been praying for you yeah I knew yet you meet us before the funeral ceremony service cause if you need to get saved I said what from hadn't done nothing and they got me in there we prayed and when they sang that last song I came down the aisle scared to death got down there and it's kind of like a except don't give out any chips they hug you kiss you tell you how great you are you know you're not but god I loved it then they throw you in the tank and the hank's your flakes and choke little butts come out all right with school the next day saw that girl came right back I said well we're gonna have to do it again didn't take they said no you just don't do it well they didn't know I didn't how to don't-do anything I didn' know I didn't-know how to-don't- do-anything I didn''t know if they could just say don't, do that they didn'''t do it anymore I said how do you don't to do it don't think about it I said wonder why I didn't think about that I thought well it's only two o'clock now you know I'll just go ahead and think about the rest of the day then tomorrow when I get up hell I won't think about anymore got up next day I thought about it more before I ever thought about for the life I had no idea that I'm kind of guy when I start not to do something I'm gonna do it all time when I started not to think about it that's all I'm going to think of it I used to try to wake up real quick before I thought about it finally got out of high school had to go to summer school get out of High School I don't think I so dumb it's just that I was busy you know we're tied up we're busier doing nothing than anybody I know he would see and they walked by the cars that I spoke to yesterday didn't say anything I says having a meeting they said there wasn't anybody there but you know I said well God that's all you need you know when I get all of these together to have a meeting hell we don't we've got a group 30 miles away as a dry county they didn't believe in doing nothing you know we weren't even Baptist southern southern real southern Baptists are not allowed to dance they had a hard time having children out there like that new deal where you could mail it they probably never would have touched a woman yet 30 miles away was just an old town it was wild and wicked and on saturday that's before i knew you could do it during the week we slipped over there and opened the door of that honky-tonk my god there was that deacon with a cold girl of cold beer in one hand the warm girl on the other and i thought by god let's get out of here he'll tell jesus on us and we didn't even get to do it you know if you get caught before you do it y'all just give it up this guy said i said let's get out of here and this guy said he can't tell anybody i said hell he's got a better shot with jesus than we do i thought deacons i saw him every sunday morning just sad like y'all just sad as he could be i thought all deacoms were sad he was happier than i had ever seen him and i liked the girl he was with on saturday night a lot better than when he's with on sunday mornings and then I finally figured out hell he wasn't sad he was just tired we drank two beers didn't taste good didn't feel good and I was glad to get out of there God I went then next Sunday want to go to church first time in life I said maybe you get old enough you won't have to go there he was sad like he always was then I had my first spiritual awakening maybe you can do it a little bit and just don't tell anybody. God, I couldn't wait to get back to my buddy. I said, next Saturday, don't Tell a Soul. It's big town at two joints. We went to the other joint. Did not see a deacon we knew. We did everything. We had even committed adultery, but I didn't know much about it. And you know how we are. Think about it all day long, drink a beer and forget it. Or if we do, we don't remember whether we did or not. And if you can't ever find out, you couldn't call back and say, did we do anything last night? You might have and everything's fine. And I learned how to drink, didn't even know I knew how to drink. You just drink one beer right after the other, you get feeling good, you couldn't feel at all. Learned how to dance, Southern Badgers can't dance, not supposed to dance. Fell down the dance floor, broke my nose, did it five times after I learned How to Do It. Blacked out just like I was supposed to, waked up the next morning, threw up just like I knew exactly what I was doing. This guy called, said, how do you feel? I said, God, I feel horrible. He said, oh, but you had a great time. I said oh well. Then I knew how to have a good time. Just go out and get drunk, blackout, wake up the next morning, throw up, then you know you had a good time. Did not know you drank it any other way. I thought people who didn't drink like I drank, didn't drink. I thought they just don't know how to drink. You know, people that understand, I even see them now putting umbrellas in it. Before they put fruit, so one guy poured milk, now look at the milk, see that's what the milk would do for God's sake. Never did it. Don't think, if I ever had to drink again, I'd never drink it with milk. I think that's a bad deal for milk, besides ruining the whiskey. One Saturday afternoon, I was over at this town by myself, getting ready to get drunk, and I wanted to put it off as long as I could, and I went by this post office, and there was a sign out there that said, We need you. And by gosh, I went in there, and they did. They had my farm laying right there, and they said, Have you ever been to California? And I said, no, I haven't been but 30 miles away from home. We're going tomorrow. I said God let me sign that thing. I signed that thing, went home and told my folks I'm going to California. He said who is? I said the Air Force. He said when are you going? Tomorrow. I'd been 18 two days. Which was long enough for any of us, you know. Went back over there and then went to San Antonio. That outfit lives one day at a time. Kind of an odd bunch. They got up in the middle of the night and made their bed real quick. Somebody's coming. Never did. And they'd go down and eat in the middle of night. Stark! Stark! And they're going to want to eat. Well, hell, if you hadn't been drunk, you'd get sick eating that time of the morning. Then they were scared because they always walked in groups. Whoever it was that was running our outfit decided we ought to go on a secret mission So they couldn't tell us, so we couldn't tell anybody because nobody's going to know where we're going. And whoever made this big decision, they decided we should go to China. We're in the Air Force, so we go to china by boat. I think they flew the navy over and the marines ran the boat. There's a lot of Chinese over there. They have a few hills and some trees and a little rice, but they mainly just manufacture Chinese. There's no smog involved and they like it and they know how to do it and they're good at it and they just didn't do anything else. They like to make Chinese. And you know after you've been over there for about three weeks you've seen all the Chinese you'll ever need to see ever again. So I told them I was ready to come home and we stayed two years. Then we came back by boat. And then my folks said, where are you going to school? I said, hell, I'm not going to go to school. I hate school. Couldn't get out of school and went to school." They said, if you don't have that piece of paper, you won't even be able to apply for a job, let alone get one. You'll have to have that peace of paper. Well, I proved my folks wrong. I gutted that thing straight through three-and-a-half years and I didn't learn one single thing. I made sure that every course I took, I was going to pass it up front and that it wouldn't benefit a human being whatsoever. You know what I like about you and I? We'll go to any length just to be right, even if it destroys us. A lot of people won't do that. A lot OF people say, I could be wrong about that. not you and I the only time you and i will ever use that statement is when we're damn sure we're right then we might say well i could be wrong about that had some very disappointing news when i got out of school i didn't mind working part time and going to school but they want you to go to work full time and on mondays I was also having some minor difficulties with women If you put ten pretty girls up there I'll get the sick one every time I don't know where I learned how to do that I'd see some guys, they just go with a different girl every week You can't do that You've got to make sure that you've got a pretty girl One that you can take home and show your folks And be in love with for God's sakes Can't just go without a pretty woman Go with a deaf girl every day the only thing wrong with being like I was is when you're walking around in love with no girl when I got to A I thought, God, this is the greatest place I've ever been, it's the first time I'd ever been where they had the sick women grouped and I liked both kinds I liked the ones that got sick doing it and I got to like the ones that got sick watching him do it. I was having trouble where I worked. I don't know why, God seemed to think it was necessary for us to make sure that all businesses operated properly. And when you tell people that they're doing it wrong every day, besides doing your work, it's hard on you. It took me a long time to notice I was always the one that was leaving. Some of those places where I work they're still operating and doing it wrong which probably means most of us are too smart to be in business finally got out of a job and couldn't get one and the way I'd look for jobs I'd get up every morning I'd throw up and I'd spray and then I'd go fill out one of those forms that ask you personal questions like where have you worked the last 10 years well it's none of their business they even want to know where you live how are you going to remember all those addresses i just like to move around some and then they ask you other questions you say wonder what they'd like for me to say you don't know them too well that's hard work then you fill that out the interview takes about 10 minutes and you go out and get drunk you just do that one day at a time i finally saved this one place i knew a guy that worked there i knew they had an opening and i knew i'd get the job walked in there and the minute i walked in he says you don't want this job I said yeah I want that job my folks used to tell me the same thing when I was a kid they'd say Jimmy would never want to do that yeah I did already done it once getting ready to do it again and they'd says Jimmy wants to do that no I didn't and then here's this guy telling me you don' t want this job I said I want the job I need the job I have to have the job no you don''t want the job you don ''t want this job damn it everybody knew what I didn''t want and everybody knew what I wanted it was always the opposite I also knew there was something about me He had liked to tell me, but he didn't know how to do it. And I knew this was going to be more comfortable when I left. So I took out of there and got drunk, waked up the next morning, threw up, and I said, you know, I've been doing this for about 10 days. I think I'll just take today off. So I went out to the golf course. Ain't no leg, no piece of toast. Went around to the beer joint where my last spiritual advisor worked. And he said, God, man, you look like you're going to shake to death. What's wrong with you? I said I think i'm coming down with something. He said, my God, drink this beer. And I said, oh, my god, I'm Baptist. We never drink before noon. That's 1030. It's only 9 o'clock. He said drink the beer. I drank half that beer and sprayed the golf course with it. I don't mind spraying if I don'T lose my concentration. You start thinking about women or something, it gets to your nose and burns. Then you've got to drink half the day just to kill the pain. And I already knew how to meditate for God here. I do not meditate that deeply anymore. it's when it's just me, God and the commode and you say oh God and it's stringy and you don't know where the end is and you can't breathe hell you'll get it back so you don' t know whether you're living or dying or going or coming you know after you get through that deep meditation like that it's tiring even in the hot summer time I'd lean over there and that bowl was always just as cool I told that guy I said I think I need to go home I love to have live with me I call on hospitals and I'd get in the car every morning I'd say God I hate to go to that big old hospital you have a hard time finding a parking place you got to take that kit walk through the lobby and down through in the basement and wind around finally go to that person who ages office and go in there and you know him hell he's not going to buy anything anyway see you don't even have to park just drive right on by wait till 1030 and go to the beer joint and they say having another bad day? Yeah, didn't say anything again today. So I went home and I got in the living room and I had a meeting. I decided that those guys that didn't hire me, if I'd commit suicide, they'd worry about it for the rest of their days. They'd never get over it. I was living in Houston then. They said, you'll see in the Houston Chronicle, Jimmy Williams commits suicide and they'll never get over it. But I didn't know how to do it. Now, I see it on television all the time now. Suicide, call that number. I bet they've got softer, easier ways. Group suicide positive. Meet together, pamphlets, everything. But this was in cold turkey days. You had to sober up cold turkey and you had to commit suicide cold turkey. This was even before overdose was popular. You know, the only thing they're going to remember is the pump and we believe that you ought to be sound in mind and body when you commit suicide. I remember all three of mine. I didn't like guns because don't like noise of morning and they splatter all over everything. Razor blades were popular then but didn't know how to do it. You know I didn' t know. They said where do you cut your wrist? How long is your wrist, you know? How deep did you cut it? What kind of blade do you use? none of this information was available I had nobody to call I knew you couldn't do it in the living room you'd get blood all over the carpet and I'm always thinking of others so I went to the bathroom where I did a lot of things anyway and I got my razor blade and I cut I had sense enough to know that if you cut the left wrist the left side would die and the right side would be alive what if you backed out half dead, half alive so I decided to cut both wrists and I'd die and bleed evenly so I'm just sitting there on the throne listening to the drip and the phone rang then I thought what if where I'm going I'll always wonder who that was caught that'd be enough to run you crazy so I put a band-aid on my wrist right quick answered the phone it was the police you know police have been trained by ministers they'll stop you about 3 o'clock in the morning and they'll say come go along with me I've never talked to one of them yet didn't have a personality change you say I'm sorry, I can't go I'm supposed to be home at 7 o' clock it's 3 o clock in the mornin' right now I'm late I have got to go they'll says get out of the car then you say by God, I'm not gonna do it then they really go nuts and you have to pacify them and go along well this guy said where were you last time I said I was right here he said no you wasn't I said how do you know and he said we is there then I didn't want to talk to him anymore I'd already learned don't ever talk to anybody knows more about where you've been than you do so I said what do you want me to do he said well you need to come down here we'll come out there and get you I said i'll be right there and he said if I were you had to pick up an attorney on the way and I said that'll take an extra 30 minutes but wait for me i'm coming god i love to live with me i can live a week in a half a day i've had a hell of a day been out the golf course threw beer up all over the place came back home ate breakfast had a big meeting committed suicide now i've got to call an emergency meeting and it's only 11 o'clock i thought you know i don't think i like either either one of those options. I've got $36, which was plenty to start a new career before inflation. And I said, I think I'll just leave Houston. So I just mailed the keys to folks and put in old quilts and blankets and dirty clothes and clean clothes and threw everything in the car and just had room for me. It was all piled up there. Had one piece of furniture, an old lamp and a lampshade. I guess I was going to carry the lights if I could find the plug. stopped and got me a pint of whiskey and left town Waked up the next morning in Brownwood with seven dollars And I said, wonder how my folks are getting along So I called them to collect so they'd know it was me And my folks said what are you doing in Brownood And I says, oh, just out riding around They said, well why don't you come by and see us have a cup of coffee That's all I believe will. I never shortchanged my folks. They're not going to get their money back, so I always gave them my very finest story. In fact, I got the listing to it, and it was so horrible, hell, I cried with them. I thought, God, if I'd have known he was that bad, I'd left Houston three years earlier. Finally, old John says, well, Jimmy's honest. Let him have 100. God, with 107, you can go on a vacation. So I knew I had to sweat that night out, and I sweated it out the next morning. I got up and I looked at my aunt who was getting ready to leave, and I said, Annalee, there's just one little thing I left out last night. I've been drinking some while going through all that trouble down in Houston, and I decided that I shall never drink again as long as I live. You'll never have to worry about me being underfinanced ever, ever again. My folks look at me just like a blank wall. When I got there, I said do you remember that time? she said, which one? Then she finally said, well, I think I remember. She said, I turned around to John as you drove off and said, what do you think? John says he's 33. He'll never live until he's 35. She said when we see you leave, we thought you'd either be in a car wreck, be in jail, or be dead every time you left those last few years. Well, where am I going to go? Got $107 and no place to go, and I've got everything with me. I remember that I got a guy a job, helped get a job in the Rio Grande Valley. I said, I think I'll go down there and see him. It's just right down here, you know. So I just drove right out of Fort Worth, stopped at the first filling station, happened to sell beer, and I said how far is it to Waco? And they said 79 miles. I said let me have three. Ended up starting in the Río Grande Valley, had a sign that says 55 miles, no filling station. my God, turned around and came back to Riviera a little beer joint town down there it was a big town, had a beer joint and a filling station, it was the same building and I went in there and said what the hell is that sign of me? I said there's nothing between here and Raymondville. I said give me six tall boys ended up in an old hotel in downtown Hollingen never took my clothes out of the car every morning I'd get up come down to the old elevator, walk through the lobby, cross the street, get my shorts, socks, shirt, go back up there. Did that every morning for three solid weeks and where he was working I kept trying to get a job and they finally hired me. Now they didn't hire me because people don't go down there looking for jobs. They go down there to play or snow dodge or go to Mexico. They don't go down they're looking for job so if you're relatively warm they'll hire you and for some reason when I got a new job I could just get drunk and not drunk drunk and I'd work seven days a week until I got up there to where I knew everything that was going on then I could settle down and do my thing and sometimes they had somebody that was in my place and they had a guy that was in my position and I kept explaining it to them on a daily basis to get rid of that guy and they finally got the message and got rid of him and put me up in my placement and I was okay then I could start doing my thing I've been there almost eight months and one day I got off work and I was just too tired to go straight from work to get drunk I just had to rest about 30 minutes so I went by this old place where I stand and I's resting in something knocked on the door and it was the manager he said you've been here almost eight months we need to get better acquainted I said yeah he said would you like to have a beer and I said oh one he was a drunk just like me and we had one other the three of us drunks ran that thing for eight years and he got fired we lost our jobs he screwed up I was doing fine I'm still trying to get married I've been trying to getting married since I was five and I'd almost make it but then I'd you know blow it and it seemed like I was having difficulty because I'd always go with one girl and be true. And then when you lose them, there you are, walking around in love with no girl, and it's awkward. So I figured out what my problem was is what I needed was to have a number one and a spare. So I got me a number 1 and a sphere. And my weekends were like I got off work Saturday at noon, and I'd run to the golf course, have a heavy lunch like a six pack and a cheese cracker, get drunk and blacked out and in bed by 6.30, quarter to 7, wake up at 10.30 quarter to 11, go down to my beer joint, close the joint 1 o'clock then whoever my best friends were at the time we'd drive on over to Mount of Morris and finish the evening. We didn't care if they closed up 1 o'. It's fine with us. We just went over there and they'll stay open in Mount of Mars as long as you've got enough money to keep them open. And then in the morning we'd either stop by the Texas bar and have a little waivers from Unchairos and throw it up, or we'd just skip it and go on back in town and drink beer during the day and taper off into Monday and sometimes we made it and sometimes мы missed it. This particular weekend I was going to be off and sometimes, you know, we're just almost too honest for people. And evidently, I was over at number one's house and it was about 11 o'clock and I'm blacking out and evidently I never mentioned number two. and I just kind of mentioned that I might drop by and see her on the way home. But I wanted to go to the bathroom first, and she wanted to discuss it, of course, so she followed me into the bathroom. Do you notice they're putting carpet in a lot of the bathrooms now? That's because people are insisting on having meetings there. See, you're supposed to have meetings out where the surfaces are not so hard, where you've got couches and beds and carpet, Not in the bathroom where the commode and the sink And the bathtub is hard Stuff to be falling around on I'll never know exactly what happened I'm living in an old faded green trailer In an alley behind a motel I had the rock yards a long time Before they started putting them in I'd see those weeds come up And I said, you'll never make it and I'm laying there asleep I've already learned how to wake up in total fright in my own bed and I am laying there asleep like I am supposed to at about that time something goes wham jumped out of bed oh my god I had my clothes on I bet you I was going somewhere early this morning looked down that old white shirt had blood blood makes me sick you know knew oh my God I've got knots on my head. I wrecked my car. I have wrecked my car, that's the police, that's a police and those trailers got windows about like that you can't get out of the back of the window and I, oh my God, it's blood, oh God. Well, I've wrecked my car that's what it is wrecked my car in total fright can't breathe open the door it says six foot four two hundred and forty pound Baptist preacher then I think I've killed somebody. I said preacher I don't know where the meeting is but I can't go I know I look like I'm ready but I cannot go I cannot make it I just can't make it, I can't make it. This is, I'm sorry, I just cannot make it He said, get in the car. God head's killing me. I looked over there and my car was fine. I said, oh my god I had a car wrecked in somebody else's car So that's where we're going. We're going to the hospital I bet you. We got somebody, somebody else was in the car and we had a care wreck. They want to find out what happened. I don't know what happened And I got in the car and I couldn't breathe. I says, preacher I cannot breathe. I'm going to have to have a beer. I'm gonna have to be, I cannot breath. Did you know that Baptist preachers do not give a damn whether you can breathe or not? He just kept driving that damn car and I said, preacher, I am not breathing. And he said, there'd be no drinking before the meeting. Drove up in front of her house so I assume it's going to be there and I walked in my head still Kimmy got three or four knots on it and I looked at her and she did look like she might have fallen in a bush or something and I said well I've got to go to the bathroom I went in there and looked in that mirror and I'm going to tell you something she won I don't know what happened I think I think I know what happens I think I probably lost my equilibrium fell in that bathtub and she stepped on me two weeks later we got married. We got married to First Baptist Church so it worked. We got marry at 10 o'clock in the morning so there'd be no drinking before the funeral or ceremony. I told her that since she had been married before and I was pure that it wouldn't be necessary for us to invite a lot of people but she could invite a few close friends and about 11 o' clock on Friday night I'm up again and I'm blacking out so I get on the phone and I am calling everybody until about three in the morning. And my beer distributor friend met me, saw me coming across the lawn to church and here he comes out of the church and said, I'm going to tell you something. You called me at a quarter three this morning. We're not here to see you get married. We're here because we don't believe it. And he said, I'm gonna tell you the truth before you go in that church. The longest bet on your marriage is three weeks. But I showed them. I hung it in there for eight years. But my life changed. I had no idea how nice it was to get up and throw up in peace. I was always going to quit smoking because it made me gag up morning. So I'd get out of that bed, grab that coffee, no cigarettes, go in that bathroom, lock that door, and she's telling me what I am through that door. And I've got to get upset, go make the living, get drunk, Come on, tell her what she was. And we did that one day at a time. I finally went back to that preacher and I said, Preacher, this thing is not working. He said, you know what's wrong with you? You're missing the beauty of life. I said yeah. He said did you know the fruit trees were in bloom? I said no. He said what you need to do is go get your wife and drive up the valley and smell the aroma and look at the blossoms. I said yeah got in the car went over to the door and said get in the car she said what for I said we're going to go look at the blossoms he said the blossoms I said yeah we're missing the whole damn thing she got in the car I went by the hop shop got a six pack of beer we drove up the valley and saw a sign that said 14 miles to Matamoros. Turned left, went to Matomoros, switched to tequila, blacked out, missed the whole damn thing. Lost that job, couldn't find one, went crazy, completely insane every day for two months. Finally, a guy that I'd been drunk with many times, drunk just like me, managed a drug company, and he hired me. Well, the way he hired him was he called me to have me meet him at a beer joint. We drank beer, went boat riding at 8 o'clock that night on Pottery Island had a boat wreck got in the hospital stayed three weeks and then I got the job. That way you don't have to fill out any forms they know you're the one you want. Took him about six weeks to ship me to Fort Stockton, Texas. 530 people lived there then 30 of them were making a living I joined the 500 Got little trees out there you know about that high you can see California on a clear day and I'm supposed to stand in a drugstore hold a pad with lines on it and write stuff that pharmacist calls it out or you'll my son that you can't even spell the first place and try to write and you can write moving you cannot when you're moving you can not you can right that pharmacists looked to me said my god man you look like you're going to fly apart I said any minute he said take some of these this was before Valium this was just Librium I understand Valium both eyes crossed you walk straight Librium was just really nothing a little two-tone green and black and two-toned green stuff doesn't do anything I took two of them waited 15, 20 seconds nothing happened so I took three more then my knees just went huh I said God I've got to I already know how to weave now I've gotta learn new stance I guess they can't do it anymore but this is before the drug business got so crazy and this pharmacist out there used to say that didn't cost me anything then he said Jim I'm a little short of 10 milligrams 25 milligrams will be alright I said yeah it'll be fine they're the same size we don't go with milligrams we go by size if they'rethe same size you take 5 of one take 5 for the other and our guy taught me to take 5 at a time He said, how much do you think food's that big when you swallow it? I said, really? He said yes. I said try it. I did. Works fine. That way you don't drink as much water. So I took Librium Daytime and drank beer at night. The only thing I did different at night was after the third beer never before, I decided, well, am I going to go home early or am I gonna close the joint? If I was gonna go home earlier, I'd go get a pint of whiskey, You put it on top of that Librium and three beers and go home like you're supposed to go home. Blacked out. I thought blackout, when my ideal night was when I drove drunk, which I like to drive drunk because it's entertaining. And then you go... Well, you never know what you're going to hit. And then when you hit the door, you blackout. Now, I used to do that sometimes. And then sometimes I'd blackout before a good black... Never had a wreck blacked out Had several restaurants. But I never, when I can see, have trouble. When I can't see, I just do fine. Ended up getting a job back in Houston. Some guy recommended me for the job. I shouldn't have got the job, didn't even know what the damn company did. Got the job The president of the company said, we don't know how you got here. I didn't either, but they called me. I didn' t call them. And I didn''t ask them what they did and they wouldn' t tell me, so we didn' d know. I like to start out in a job like that because that way you got a shot at it and anything I've ever wanted that I got wasn't the right thing so I finally get something I don't want, it works so I end up down back in Houston this was March the 1st of 1965 and I oh what's her name and I finally developed such a nice sweet deep hate for one another that we were safe, because the one that died first won. But it was recommended that we have two bedrooms just so we could have a little peace and quiet at night and be safer. And these customers never saw me drunk. I'd do my deal, and if I played golf with them once in a while, I'd have a beer maybe right after, and then I'd go to my place and get drunk and go home. And the day before Christmas Eve of 1965, I played with some golfers, some administrators, and their in-laws and outlaws from Oklahoma, and we all got a little too hospitable. I went over to their house, blacked out right at the house, don't remember what happened. This happened to me. I'm a blackout driver. Drove one side of Houston to the other, got up the next morning, total fright, just like normal. And if I've ever been anywhere at somebody's house, I'd always do the same thing. I'd go check my car to see if it was back, no due dents or blood or anything, and then I'd pick up the phone and call back and say, I sure am sorry about last night. Wasn't sorry about last night, wanted them to tell me what the hell I did. They'll never tell you and they don't have to make amends so you'll never know and I called these people back and they said, it was okay Jim, you just got drunk. Everybody was beginning to say it was okay Jim you just got drunk I was beginning to be a drunk and drunk was a bad word for me And I was just been in total fright, I guess for so many years I'm not an alcoholic. I guess heard on radio I picked up old what's-her-name had gone next door. There's getting ready to have a party Christmas Eve, you know is coming up. I've just had mine early And then I'll go to theirs too if I have time And I looked up the phone book under Alcoholics Anonymous and looked up, called in a group. So I must have heard it on the radio. And that gal acted like she was glad I called. I should have known then I had the wrong number. She said, somebody will be right out. Well, I waited an hour. Nobody showed up. And I thought, hell, I'll just call them back, tell them I don't need him. Looked in the icebox, had three beers, 10-15, 1030, have a beer and everything. Ah, it's Christmas Eve anyway. about that time he called back said I'll be right there and before I could tell him I didn't need him hell he hung up well his wife was managing those apartments when we moved in there and he used to watch me going back and forth 7-eleven saying if he lives we'll get him so he knew who I was when intergroup called him so he just came by himself and I looked out there little short guy with a pointed nose and had a book under his arm. I said, oh my God, we're going to read that book and pray. I've not only been baptized, I've been rededicated 10 times. I said I'll just get rid of him. We came in. We didn't read the book. We didn't pray. I don't know what he said. I don' t know what I said about that time. Well, what's-her-name came back in. He said you want to go with me? Well, I didn't but it's better than staying with her. So I got in the car with him and we hit that old 610 loop in Houston. I I said, oh my God, he's not my kind of guy. I've gone off with a perfect stranger. Damn, I know better than this. I thought, well, I'll give him the test. I turned over to him and I said I'll buy a beer. I don't want a beer, I knew it, I knew It, I Knew It. I waited about 15 seconds and I said, listen, I'm going to tell you something. I got bad drunk last night and you either let me on top of this freeway and I'll walk over there that you told them or take me over there. I've got to have a beer and I've got to have it right now and I got bad drunk and I'm going to tell you something, it's 11.20. He said, can you wait till we get to the club? Oh yeah, I can do that. I can handle total fright if I've got a little light. And so we drove and drove and drove over kind of a bad neighborhood. I said, my God, is this it? In front of this old rickety looking house he said yeah I thought well when I get some money I'll help these folks we walked in the front door and there's a bunch of deacons sitting over there talking about women in the stock market and I found out later on they didn't know anything about either one had an old bar back there in the back I bet the linoleum had holes in it when they put it on there and the bartender didn't look a hell lot better than I did it's the program attraction you know. And this little short deacon says, mix him up a little milk and honey. I said, my God, what do you put in it? I never drank anything like that in my life. He said, well, you see, you're nervous. I Said, hell, that's what I've been trying to tell you. And he said, and besides that, you used to sugar in your system from alcohol and the honey has already been digested. I said, indigestion's not my problem. You know, if you throw upright, you don't have indigestion. I drank part of it, curdled. One of the smart ones said, walk all you want to. I didn't want to walk at all. And then I drank some more of it and it curdled and here it comes. He said, don't worry about it. We have plenty. I thought, God, I'm going to put on a show for these folks. And then they'd sit there and you'd drink that sweet, sweet stuff and they'd just look at it and they're laughing and talking. We've got a new animal in here today. What are you going back for? Back for? Drinking that sweet sweet sick God, I can almost taste it now. Sick sweet. God, I haven't had a piece of chocolate pie in 15 years. Finally about 4 o'clock the guy said, well I guess we better go home. I said, yeah. I said let me out a couple blocks before we get to the apartment I knew I had to slip in there and get that car And go get some bourbon Because beer would not cut that sweet taste He said don't drink anything I'm going to pick you up in an hour and a half I said what for? We're going to a meeting I said where? Right back where we came from I said my God We was there all day I said, well, just let me out. So I walked and walked and walked, and here he comes, and back over there we go. Kind of a funny bunch. I saw some of the men and women kind of hugging and laughing and kissing, and the rest of them, they didn't act like they was too damn happy to be there either. Some of them sort of got up, and some guy said a little funny little prayer. Some girl got up and talked two or three hours. They said it's 30 minutes, but I know of us. And they just laughed. What a damn thing, funny. Then some guy got up and talked two or three hours or something. My God, we're going to be here all night. And they'd just laugh. I said, this is a sick bunch of people. Then they all got up and held hands, said the Lord's Prayer by Christ. The Holy Spirit moved in there and everybody started talking at one time. Nobody was listening. They said, wonder how in the hell he did that? They didn't come up to the altar. They didn't sing that anybody didn't do nothing he's just boom i said i'm gonna keep my eyes open tomorrow night see what the hell he did and we're standing back there in the back then i saw the deal men and women getting together jumping in those cars and taking off oh that's it as soon as you hear a little while we go to these apartments now have a little drink talk about this damn thing. We went night after night, after night after night. Nobody invited us anywhere. One night it's raining. We're going every night, every living night we're going to these damn meetings. They're not changing they're just like they always were and they're not any better and it's not they're different but they're nothing different and then it doesn't rain and Houston just falls out and he called I said he said I'll pick you up 30 minutes I said, it's raining. Did you ever go get a drink when it was raining? I'll be ready. Then finally one weekend, old watcher named me had gone back to the valley to see if we had any friends left. And I just... We'd been going to meet every night. Every night, including Sunday, the Sabbath. And I closed the door, locked it, pulled down all the shades, turned out all the lights, had nothing on but the TV set. That old phone would just ring, ring, ring, let it ring. next morning he called and said where were you last night I said I was right here watching television enjoying every damn minute of it I may do it again tonight brother he said well you missed it I said what did I miss he said I don't know I said wasn't you there he said yeah but I only heard what I was supposed to hear we'll never know what it was you're supposed to here I thought my god you gotta go every night you'll miss it Went three months, got drunk, three months got drunk Three months got drunken, sobered up all by myself And then I decided I'm really not an alcoholic The only thing that's really wrong with me Is I've just always been under-financed And if I can get properly financed I can tell them to Go I'll just leave town That's what I need to do First things first I already learned that in AA first thing I need to do is go back and officially resign and tell them thank you very much appreciate everything but it's just not my deal well evidently I had called him about 2.30 one evening while drinking I doubt that very seriously I think they'd tell you anything they want to tell you they've been here long enough to lie and know it so don't believe these big shots too much so then I thought well when the meeting had already started well I'll wait until after the meeting I'll go ahead and sit through this meeting one more won't hurt me and then here he comes and no patience I'm getting ready to resign and before I resign he says don't you ever call me again I said God I'm glad you said that I never called you in the first place they called you and I'm going to tell you something then your best friends will not tell you. Nobody likes you here. We don't get invited anywhere, and they don't know me, so it's got to be you. And another thing, if I had as bad a personality as you do, I'd go back to drinking. And you don't ever have to worry about my calling you ever, ever, never again. If you was the last man on earth, I would never call you again. And I didn't until the next morning. and he said meet me at the club and I walked into the club and he says get your coffee and sit down they talk to you like a dog here you know he said I'm going to tell you something about Alcoholics and Alchemists Al-non, Al-teen Al-tot and Al-dog there's absolutely no failure here never has never will must not cannot impossible to fail it cannot fail there's no failure here this is the only program for alcoholics that does not fail provided you do exactly what we tell you to do the way we tell you to it. So now there's only one thing that you're going to get to do for the rest of your days. You're the only one that's gonna get to do it but it's the only thing that YOU'RE gonna get today you're gonna get to decide every day whether you're go our way of life or your way of life so if you don't give an alcoholic a decision to make they'll flounder on the same subject for years so we're going to give you a decision to make today you're either going to go our way of life or go right back out that door i said i don't want to do either one he said i didn't ask you what you wanted to do i asked you what she was going to do I said do you mean tell me you don't care whether I want to or not he said not at all the group doesn't care not a bit I said well if you'll make it perfectly clear at the group that I don't walk to that you know He said, well, first of all, we've got to get some things straight. It's your thinking that's wrong. I said, how much am I thinking is wrong? We always start with all of it. And if there's any good, we'll let you know. I said he put a sign up there on the wall that says think, think, think and he said that's for us. he said now we're going to give you some things not to do and some things to do the thing's going to gave me not to Do is going to change things are gonna give you to do you'll just continue to do an add to then it's gonna happen over here I said what's gonna have over there we don't know but it always happens that's I'm gonna tell you something I've been listening to every single word that you say you've never listened to me but I have been listening to everything you said I want you to hear me I do not understand he said and that's it and don't you ever forget it he said there's two things that you must remember for the rest of your days no matter what's going on in your life you do not understand then you'll have understanding and you when you quit trying to understand, then you'll enjoy it. And the other thing is no matter what your situation is, it's never the situation. It's never them. It''s never her. It' s never God. It ''s you that must become different. You must become different than you have ever been before. I said how did I do that? He said oh you can't. I say what the hell you tell me for then? He says that's what's going happen to you he said now i'm going to give you the kicker this is the very one thing that got you here but it's also the very own thing that should it not change will be the very one thing is going to keep you from getting all the things that god has for his children as long as you know that you know you'll never know but when you begin to do what we tell you not to do and to do and begin to know that you don't know then you'll begin to know I said hell you're crazy he said I know he says now since you don' t know how to not do anything he says you know that card I gave you that has my number and four other men no women oh my no I don't they don't give me the phone number of any women just men when you get squirrely definitely before you take a drink or a mind-changing drug you call that number no matter when it is day or night 3 o'clock in the morning make the phone call if you don't make the phone call you didn't do it now that's the way we're going to learn how to not do something and that's what we're gonna do every day when you get up in the morning get out on your knees and say these words and these words only God take me today and do with me as you see fit let thy will only be done in my life let me become what you want me to be and help me to definitely not take a drink of anything alcoholic or a mind-changing drug amen do not need to tell God what he has not done nor what he needs to do God's highly capable of handling that all by himself. Then call me before you go to the bathroom." I said, why before I go to bathroom? You may not need to go. I said do you mean to tell me you don't think I've got sense enough to know and I need to go to bathrooms? He said we'll find out. They don't give you a lot of credit here you know before i got down on my knees i said god you and i know he don't know hell he's a presbyterian but we're gonna do everything just exactly like he says so when we get enough this time we can tell him to take it and shut it got down all my knees and i said that prayer got up made sure i need to go to the bathroom picked up that phone he didn't even ask where i need going I said go to the bathroom meet me at the club met him in the club he said now go to work I said I hate my job he said what's that got to do with it I said well I hated it so much yesterday I couldn't go to works I said what'd you do sit in that chair and think I said yeah it'll noon he said well you don't know how to go to war I said how he said go get in the car if you write that down you catch it and he said and later on we'll learn how to do this more but in the beginning besides that prayer of a morning just when you get in the car invite God into the day I said how do you do that he says you say God I invite you into the date oh put that on the card and we'll go home if you've got that you don't lose the card then I came back to the club and you know how they are out loud so everybody can hear get your coffee and sit with us don't say anything just listen to the kings I know to get my damn coffee and sit down but they've got to tell you out loud so everybody can hear it then when you're almost comfortable almost hearing what they're saying whatever it is that I've never figured out yet now it's time for you to go home and eat supper and come back to the meeting I know to go back to go on and eat suffer and come back to me but they have got to tell you out loud so they'll know there's a baby here that doesn't know to go home and eat supper and go back to meeting and after the meeting he said now go home and get on your knees beside the bed and thank God for the day. I said, I do not thank God for the today. It's been a miserable damn day. I hate you and I hate God and I don't know what to do. And I hate her and I'm not going to be a hypocrite. He said, do you feel like when you pray to God that you don't mean it? I said yeah, that's the reason I'm NOT going to do it. He said that has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's the action you're taking that's going to cause the things to happen that you never thought was going to happen. and all the things that you think has to happen probably never will need to happen because the action you're taking, you don't know you're taken, is going to cause these things to happen that always needed to happen that you had no idea what it was. So what you think have to happen will never need to happened. Well, hell, I understood that. I said, do you mean to tell me that God does not care when I pray to him whether I mean it or not? He said, not a bit. God is not depending on your feelings or your meetings for a relationship with him at all, God is going to be able to handle that all by himself. I said, do you mean to tell me you don't care, the group doesn't care and God doesn't cares? He said, that's right. I just got in that car and went home and locked the door so a watch name couldn't get in there. Got down on my knees and said, okay, by God, God, thank you for a miserable damn day, amen. Hell, if he don't carry it, they don't take care and they don'y care and God don't cary, hell, I don't car. did that for about two months and I'm going down that old 610 loop about 9.30 one morning and this God that I had never known as my friend moved into that car with me God he stayed with me all that day and I knew I knew something different than I'd ever known it before God about 3 o'clock in the afternoon I said man I'm gonna get me a tent and some tambourines and I wanna go save some souls Oh, better look out. Jimmy is coming. I thought the rest of my life was going to be just like that. I thought, hell, I might even let him come and help put up the tent. I couldn't wait for him to get back. He's 15 minutes late getting back to the club and I'm sitting there waiting for him and he walks in and I said, get your coffee and sit down. The Baptist is taking over. Well, they don't like it coming back but he did it And he came in there, and man, he sat down, he said, what in the hell is it? And I told him the deal. And I stood there waiting for him to make me the leader. And he said thank God we've got that over with. Now we can get started. I said my God, that took a year. He said some are sicker than others. I said, what are you going to do about old What's-Her-Name? He said, I don't know. I'm going to leave my marriage just like it is. We're not messing with it. He said I'll send you to a guy that's got his all worked out. And he sent me to Episcopalian. You know they don't owe. They just got tired of being Catholic. This guy said, do you remember I was telling him about the women problem and they will not let me go. I had two girls already. One had been sober two weeks. I know was perfect for me Was not sleeping with old what's-her-name And I'd been praying for somebody too And nobody would And I explained all that to them daily And they still wouldn't let me go So finally this guy said Do you remember when you got into Alcoholics Anonymous You didn't fit in here And you didn't sit back out there I said yeah Do you ever think about it Do you even remember how you felt like You were the only one That was going through that And it was kind of a lonesome time Even though you weren't alone I said, yeah. He said, if you're willing to go through those lonesome periods in every area of your life, I'll not only guarantee your relationship with women, I'll guarantee your relationships with men and your relationship with your fellow man that you could never have imagined. And I'll give you a bonus on top of that. If you'll do what we tell you, I'll grant you a relationship with Almighty God that you would never have dreamed of. I said I don't believe that. He said isn't that wonderful? I said what do you mean? He said you don't need to. I said, what do you mean? He said, it's action. I said I've already heard that. He said are you still married? I said not really. Legally. But we sleep in different places and we have battle in the middle. He said well we'll practice on her don't start up anything. He said wherever God finds you stay right where you are and he's found you right there so that's the way we're going to do it until you find out what the deal is. And he says this is what we're going to be able to do don't you ever tell her what's wrong with her ever again. I said, who's going to tell her? He said, I don't know, but you're not. And you're never going to do anything with children or with friends or with Al-Anons or with anything to work her around to get her to do what you want her to. I said never. He said never. And you are going to pray for her. And I said I'm not. You pray for it. He said, you're going to do it. You're going to have me have to do a hundred times a day in the beginning. And you're gonna say these words and these words only. God, thy will be done for her as well as for me. Take our relationship, let it become what you want it to be, and show me the truth. I said, I do not want God's will to be done to me. I don't want to be for her, as well is for me." He said, remember, what you won't has nothing to do with it. So I started doing that, and about two or three months later, I'd written my fourth step, and I'd done my first step, and then that old loveless thing surfaced in me. God, I had it and couldn't get rid of it. Could not get rid off it. And finally, I told the group. And one of the groups said, You're not supposed to tell that group. So I went over and told another group. What I was stitched on me, you know, we don't gossip here. We're just concerned. Then I finally told him, I said, She needs to go to Al-Anon. He said, my wife's taking care of that. For all those Al-Ans here today, I want you to know I love you dearly. I really love you. If you ever need any help or anything at all, call me day or night. They took her to you and she found you depressing. They took er to you again and again and she find you more depressing. So whatever you're doing, keep doing it. So I went home and he said, oh, what's your name's out of town? For some reason when you stop doing something God transforms your mind and frees you of it. You can't get free It's not working for you You go over and you lock yourself in that apartment watch the names gone and you and God get rid of that Don't you call us? Oh, we've heard all about that stuff We want to hear we're sick of it See one time they want you to call them every day the next time know what you'd call them at all They don't know what they're doing either So I went over there and I stayed in an old apartment all day long I prayed and cried and beat the couch. I learned to quit hitting the bar. It hurt your hand, you know. And then that night, 11, 12 o'clock, I went to sleep, and the next day that baby was gone. God, freedom had come, and it's never come back. And I didn't even tell him for four nights. Went to four meetings. At the fourth meeting, we got to ice cream. I said, well, I guess I might as well tell you all this. Oh, hell, we knew it the first night. I said why didn't you tell me? He said, well, you need to know that you're going to always be the last to know. I said, why is that? He said, we don't know. Well, what's her name and I got a divorce then. You know what we had after my sickness was gone? Nothing. You know how to get sick? Make something out of nothing. Then I had a second marriage and it was kind of sad that it didn't work out. We just grew apart and studied together. now I've started my third but remember don't find fault with me I started late if I'd have started early I'd probably been on my seventh by now but God I'm glad we're going to tape over it now we can talk Beverly shakes her head sweet girl but you know Al-Anon's just, God I'm glad we didn't miss it. What if we'd have missed it? Wouldn't that have been something? God I am glad we did not miss it! Even though I don't get credit for it, I would like to have credit for it. Now do not get me wrong, I'd like to have credit that I knew where I was going when I got here, but I did not. And I would like to give credit that knew what you had when I came, but because you did not know. Did you ever think of what you and I have done? Perfectly. You and I thought we were not perfect. We were perfect, we were right. We did everything exactly like we were supposed to do it. Isn't that amazing? It's just not like everybody thought you were supposed to. You know how you're supposed to find God? I know how are you and are this way. And we We had to get properly prepared to be willing to go into the toughest God program available to human beings today. And we've got it. And that you thought you was out there having children, getting married, being self-sufficient, learning all this stuff and being mothers and fathers and parents and all that stuff? You wasn't doing that. You were just preparing yourself to get into A&L on the other team. That's all you was doing. You weren't doing nothing else. You just, that's, God just had you tied up. Giving you something to do while you're just getting ready to do what you need to do. So now after you're here, you're tied up half the time doing what you think you need to do and that has nothing to do with what you're doing. Isn't that amazing? And he's got us trapped. Hell, I'd like to have my own church, wouldn't you? We can't do it. They can't, we can't sell this. damn thing that's we're trapped we've got to do exactly like god says to do that's really so hard when we know what to do and we we're the only people explain to god what needs to be done a lot of people think god knows you and i know he doesn't know we keep trying to tell him damn it you don't know and he keeps saying i know and finally we give up say okay i'll let you have this deal but i'm going to do this other one then you go through the same process over and over with every part of your life but see what the secret is the difference is we're in it hell this is it we're going through our way and because of the way i am and you are which is different than anybody else you and i are going through it different than anybody else because we're different going through it they go through the same type things to get to god except when you and i go through it we know that it's not like they are when they go to it because we are different than they are but we're going through the samething we just had to get prepared in a way that they haven't got the guts to do it nobody will learn failure like you and I do. They'll give up too quick. They won't learn the deepness. You know, we hurt. We don't hurt. We hurt! Hell, they don't hurt. You know why? They just hurt so much and quit. When the hurting is just going to get good, they quit. And it's wonderful to be a person. Just think of us. You Know Who You Are? You Know who you're sitting by? You're sitting by people that come out of mental wards and if they've got money they're in a nice place the other place is state hospital your friends are insane do you know who you call to find out what to do every day you call another insane person to find OUT what not to do and do and get better do you think you can create your own church on that deal there's one good thing about it they're not coming to visit us we're safe you didn't have to put a sign lock on the door they're going to visit they're coming in here but the deal is we're in it this is it people have you know some one church outfit got so excited when they found it they made a bumper sticker we found it hell we've got it but we can't print the damn bumper sticker can't go down there some idiot will ask us where'd you find it we said hey what do you have to do what do I have to go get drunk shack up be shot at and all of a sudden God brings you from darkness to light when does that happen we never know most of the time it's right before death God wouldn't play it early with us the other day I said why don't you do something early one time one time just once I said hell I'm getting old enough for you to do it once he didn't do it but what I'm so grateful the most grateful thing I'm for today especially since and I'm not finding any fault with anything since we're getting so damn many programs people are taking the 12 steps see we're so damn popular they love us you know where could you go get think where could you go get a subject that's a manic depressant schizophrenic and paranoid all in one package you can't get those people we're the only ones that's properly prepared to be all of them and whatever is convenient we'll go along with it they have a good deal now where you're codependent well I don't shack up anymore so I'm not codependent anymore. What got me about that deal was we told them how we were then they wrote the damn package and the packet sent the packet back to us and we bought it because we identified with it. We're the damnedest people, I love us, we're great, we will fool them all boy. How'd they find out how we were? We told Hazleton for 90 years how we words so they said oh my god let's sell that pappy they don't believe in it either they sell it but god i'll tell you i wouldn't take for it see the greatest my most grateful thing today that i'm grateful to almighty god is i know i know about you and i and what's for you and i and i'm great flowers naa long as i was ahead of time so i know that everything that could possibly, I could ever possibly have or desire in a spiritual life. Alcoholics Anonymous, Alateen and Alatak and Al-Anon is it without a shadow of a doubt and I need nothing else. I can get some supplements and some benefits from church or the Bible but I know this that the big book of Alcoholics Annonymous is going to give me everything spiritual you know why it works so well now i didn't get this from me i got this from a priest and from god that god said the only thing about you and i was that we were separated from him and he and i were his chosen children and that you and I were in the palm of his hands all the time and no matter what we did we were not going to die because he had us in the palm of his hand probably from the very very beginning of mine in your life whenever that was without a shadow of a doubt we could not destroy ourselves we did everything we could do it mentally to destroy ourselves and it was not going To happen I don't know why the rest of them are not here I don't know why they brought me here instead of somebody else. But thank God he brought me here and thank God I know I know for me, Alcoholics Anonymous has got all I could possibly ever become because the director here and the counselor here and the guy that's running this joint is Almighty God Himself. And see, I know I know that today. And I know I know without a shadow of a doubt the Holy Spirit of God lives in you and I that He sent me to be with you and you to be with me. And I know I could have gone to ten different denominations and a thousand different churches and until God sent me to do it, to be with you, my life was not going to be any different. But when I got to you, my life began to change and God began to be active and live in my life. We never, we have finally had that one power that God's children cannot live without, but only God's children have it. And we now live in that one and only power. And thank God I know that today. Thank God I know why I never fit in this world. God's Children don't fit in This World. They're supposed to meet together and let God send them out into every walk of life, because that's where He brought us from, to do whatever it is He's designed for us to do. And 90% of the time, you and I are not going to know what that is. But the great part about that is, if we knew it, we'd go do it. So he can't let us know. But the difference is, then he can take us through those experiences only and teach us because he's our only teacher and remake us and redo us so that we may become exactly what he created us to do. Because, see, now we live in that one power that only God's children have. And it never fails us. It never fails. When we call one another, when we meet together, that power moves in and stays active in our life because we're in it. Thank God I stayed with you long enough to feel God loving me that day, me loving him back. But the difference was you. It was you that made the difference. Just like it's been right here, just like it has been this day and every time we get back together like it is right now when I can feel you loving me and me loving you. Thank you very much.