The Vulture Who Wakes Me Up at 4 a.m. – Mark H.

Good evening, San Diego. My name is Mark Houston. I'm an alcoholic. It's a pleasure to be with you all. I love to start meetings with meditation because it gets me here. Mind, breath, body, spirit, emotions. The only reality of my life. I've never been here before with any of you in this breath with this experience and if you could touch that when you wake up tomorrow morning and you're looking at the loved one in your life or loved ones if you have children if you can understand that you've never been in that place with them before and that would touch your heart think how that would be and if you went into your job tomorrow and realized you'd never been in that breath in that space, in that time how could you not love your job and that's what 10 and 11 did to me there's no place in my entire world that I would rather be than right here right now with you because that's where I'm supposed to be as evidenced by the fact that I'm here. But what's really exciting to me is I'm present to that. My mind's not saying, I wish we were back in Austin or somewhere else. It's a wonderful thing. The power greater than myself separated me from alcohol on the morning of October 19th of 1982. And what a deal to be out here with you all celebrating that. I want to read a prayer. It's called The Elder's Meditation of the Day. It says, peace comes within the souls of men when they realize their relationship, their oneness with the universe and all its powers. And when they realize that at the center of the universe dwells God and that this center is really everywhere it is within each of us. Black Elf Ogilugasu. If we're to know peace we must look within ourselves. In order to do this we must learn to be still. We must quiet the mind. We must learn to meditate. Meditation helps us locate and find the center that is within ourselves. The center is where the great one resides. When we start to look for peace, we need to realize where it is within ourselves when we experience conflict. We need to pause for a moment and ask the power within ourselves, how How do you want me to handle this? What would you suggest I do in this situation? By asking the higher power for help, we will find peace. Creator help us to find peace this evening. You do this work, take the action in steps one through nine and you get to practice a sentence that's right in the middle of the fear inventory that we don't talk about in the rooms and it says I get to let God demonstrate through me what God can do. Wow, what a deal. I want to take a few minutes and share a little history with you. Some of you have been exposed to Dan S. in the big book Awakening. Some of you've been exposed too. Some tapes of mine that were made in 1994. I want to tell you a little bit how that evolved in the event some of you may think I came into AA wanting to do something like this. I basically was near death when this power showed up and separated me from alcohol, and I had brain damage, kidney damage, and liver damage, everything I owned you could fit in one little duffel bag, and that's how I started this journey. I went to a detox and a treatment center. And I was living in Denver, Colorado, which is where I sobered up. A lot of big book thumpers there. And recovery, it was easy because in some respects I feel like I was almost brain dead. And if you're brain dead, that's kind of, you know, those of you who are fairly new and might be on a pink cloud, another word I like to use for that is I was brain dead but uh and and really when I look back in the first three years it doesn't feel like I did much in hindsight and then around uh three years I started to wake up you know you wake up sober and I don't know what your experience was it was not very comfortable and you know all these fears started to manifest and then you know all of a sudden the world's coming at me and there's this thing that they call a career that guys are supposed to get involved with because women like it if you have a job. Then there's things like cars and car payments and insurance, and then there's rent, and then if you buy a house, there's a mortgage, and they like that paid, and just all kinds of stuff I didn't have much experience with because alcohol took all that away from me long before I got sober. And I was, quite frankly, very terrified in going to meetings and that kind of stuff. and then I met a man named Don Pritz. I'd been interacting with him a little bit, and Don sat me down and took me through the big book, starting with the title page. And I remember even at that time thinking to myself, where does this guy go to meetings? Because what he was talking about was like brand new to me, taking the title stage and drawing the circle and you have unity, recovery, and service and making me realize that I was in one-third of a three-part program expecting the results of the other two, which was why I was dying of untreated alcoholism. And I knew what he was saying was true because I was going to a lot of meetings. I did little or nothing with step work. I was doing nothing with 10 or 11. I wasdoing that thing that I'll hear in meetings sometimes. Well, I pray to God in the car and I pray in the shower and then I turn around lightly and tell you God's the most important thing in my life, but I don't want to give God any time and I was dealing all that. and I really, little or nothing in the way of service. So I began that process, and I did have a profound experience with Don in that process and in the amends process, but I'll tell you when I look back what I didn't do, in some respects I didn'T internalize a lot of that experience, and most of all I did very little with 10 and 11 other than read 84 through 88. I did nothing with meditation, absolutely nothing with meditation. Prayer, reading out of the book, you know, Upon Awakening. And what happened to me, there was also a series of events, things that happened to be and there was some other work that I needed to have done and I ignored that because after all I'm a step worker and they'll treat everything. And I wound up in a nut house in Houston, Texas between my ninth and tenth year. I was having so much fun. and I needed to be in that place because I was fixing to create the ultimate act of self-will, which was to end my life. And that came about because I wasn't in so much pain. And in that space, it feels like I had a third-step experience at a cellular level in that something really happened there in that experience which I said to this power who I don't understand but experience, if that makes sense. Here's the deal. I ran this as hard as I could drinking and I ran it as hard as I can sober and I am in a loony bin in Houston, Texas. I am 44 years old almost 10 years sober. I quit. I'm done. Here's my deal with you from this point on. I'm going to do what that book, that blue book says and I'm gonna do it until I die and I'll do that and the rest of the deal is you have to do everything else. You gotta provide my home, my job, You get to decide who's in my life. You get the time. You get a chance to decide all the rest because any attempts I've made at any of that shit got me right here. I'm done. I'm just going to be a little sunbeam seeking your ass because that was a wonderful, horrific experience sitting in that nut house. Those of you who have gone know what I'm talking about. So I left there And I wound up going to work for the Nuthouse. And that lasted four or five months, and then a pal of mine moved to a fairly small community in Texas called Kerrville. And I moved up there, and I'll tell you, I really went into my big book, and I looked very hard at the 10th and 11th step, and I got very honest with myself about all the things that I had been unwilling to do. and I got very honest with myself about my lack of involvement in terms of sponsorship and service and really committing to taking people through this. And I got real honest with my self about the need for more inventory and I began to see that there were still some amends that needed to make and I made a firm resolution and literally from 1991 until 1994 when that set of tapes was made by the way, this is interesting that's the first set as far as I know that's the first time I was ever recorded probably the purest body of work I've ever done and so from 1991 to 1994 I was working with a strict spiritual disciplines of the 10th and 11th and 12th step and we worked one through nine four times and I was on fire my feet didn't touch the ground I was a zealot and I didn't give a shit about what party-line conventional AA thought about that. Meaning, I went into meetings and I shared my experience and I wound up starting workshops and I wind up taking people to the work and I end up starting groups and my character got assassinated and I did not care. I had a profound experience. I was very clear in the precise specific clear-cut instructions and anything I heard that didn't fit that as far as I was concerned was bullshit and killing alcoholics. And I was big enough, I guess they just left me alone. And out of that whole thing then along the way, a pal of mine, Joe H., wound up going to Santa Monica, California and this is where the Big Book Awakening workbook tied in. Those of you who have met Dan, what happened is a whole bunch of people asked him to take him through the work and sponsor, and you can only work with so many people one-on-one. So he started a workshop like I had done going through the steps, and Dan was sitting in there, and Dan got the idea. Wouldn't it be easier turning statements into questions to find your own experience, your own truth, if we made that in a workbook form? And that was how the workbook came into being. And I always laugh to myself. I mean, over the years, really, it's not AA approved. Anything that gets a guy like me in here is wonderful. Anything. Who cares? You know? And that's how the big book of waking came into existence. And what started to happen off that, those of you who've been in here or those of who have gone through there, you probably have the same experience I did is I had a much deeper, clearer experience with the steps than anything I'd done before and in particular with my first step and then in particular with my second and having clarity on my third step decision and the writing of inventory and seeing what I'm up against tragedy of the ego with all those personas that are hurt, threatened or interfered with And right in the middle of it, fear. And seeing how my life is completely dominated by fear. Completely dominated by fear and that fear is the firing mechanism for all my resentments and all my selfish, self-centered sexual misconduct. Six and seven. Taking that to the power. Disconnecting in the fifth step from ego. Discontenting. Otherwise you can't experience the fifth-step promises. I mean, think about that. You take this pitiful piece of inventory, your resentments, your fears, your sexual inventory, and you read it to another human. Then you go home and spend this hour, and the book says some very profound things. I can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Think about that. Perfect peace and easy. I can look the world in the eye, my fears fall from me, and it rolls out in that fashion. Very profound things, why? because I disconnect from ego when I do my fifth step. Six and seven, eight, ninth step is where I connect with you. I connect mit you, my fellow brothers and sisters. I've disconnected from ego in five. Now I come up to nine. The sponsorship lineage I had believed the most important word in the eighth step was the word all. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. You all know what all means? All. Yeah. Because if you read the big book, apparently in your workshop you've been going up through the ninth step. And the book talks about this thought brings you to the tenth step, what thought amends. So when I work with people and you get to the ninth steps and you have your list, you're going to start working with disciplines of 10 and 11, but your focus is your ninth step and you use 10 and 11 in the morning, in the quiet time, 10 all day long, 11 again at night and the whole focus is driving amends, making the amends. Paying the money back. Cleaning it up with employers, with family, boyfriends, girlfriends. Those types of things. Continuing to work with 10 and11. 10 and1 drive. Drive the 9th step. I will tell you it took me 17 years to complete all of my amends. It took me 17 years to find the final two people back in Iowa. I will tell you that with each successive amend, my capacity to practice, experience and live 10 and 11 grew more profound with every single amend. Now as that would happen, I didn't understand that. Some of you have experience with this, you owe money and you pay back money and money starts to come in. And maybe, let's say for example that you're a man, if you have the experience I had, because I didn't do very well in the male-female relationship dynamic, and as I start to clean that up, all of a sudden I start to develop friendships with women. Wow, what a deal. And everything starts to get connected. I clean up some past employment relationship things and I start to get better career moves they all start to show up and I started to see the connection between all of this stuff so I would encourage any of you in terms of your list of amends to work off the idea that with God's help you can move through that list it's not a sprint contest I some of you if you're like me I'll take a simple one the Internal Revenue Service I had not filed for six or seven years I was a little nervous and I went down and filed and you know I we don't like this you know it's like okay I'll pay a hundred dollars for 900 years you know and what I want to do is put the amend off till I can walk in there with two satchels with 300,000 and flop it on the table you know. And I heaven forbid I just got to do this humble thing of $100 a month till I die type stuff, right? But I did that. By the way, the Internal Revenue Service is the most intimate relationship I've ever had. It's also the longest, I think. So there's a lot of benefits and amends. I will tell you, that one took 14 and a half years. And I'll tell you something else. I will not get involved with them again. It really isn't necessary. But that's how all my amends process started to play out. I want to talk about the 10th step initially. I remember there was a time I heard a gentleman named Big Frank. He's been one of my mentors. He's dead now and he gave a talk in the 10th and 11th step and like the top of my head blew off. I don't know if any of you ever had that experience where you go and some guy's talking about it might be a line, a phrase or whatever and he started talking about the 10th step and I realized at that time, I was like probably 14, 15 years sober I realized I didn't have a clue about the 10 step. I didn't understand that the 10th and 11th step is completely new language. And it is not language that is designed to be processed and or work with, with my cognitive mind. It is language that is designed to be practiced with an awakened spirit. So I want to read some things and then I want to talk about it. The 10th step my experience the 11th step i do in my house in the morning you know i i like to share this but i have two cats bill and hobo and uh bill has worked all the steps and is enlightened hobo refuses to write inventory and has made no amends and they are two completely different cats, I'm here to assure you. And when I'm doing prayer and meditation and I do my disciplines in the morning, of course Bill's right there, Hobo's just being a pain in the ass because he wants, you know, he's still in the self will. And I don't know about the rest of you but when I am home and I go upon awakening and I read my meditation books and I write it in my journal and then I meditate for 20 minutes which is what I'm doing now, I'm pretty hooked up. It's a neat deal. And then I get showered, and then I put on my clothes, and then when I get my clothes on, and then i walk out my door, and baby it's on. Normally that time for me is like, because I get up Monday through Friday at 4 a.m. By the way, I want to mention this. One of the things I discovered very, very important for me in the use of the 10th and 11th step is Monday through Friday getting up at the same time. I got an opportunity over the years to go visit enough monasteries and ask enough questions to realize there's reasons why they do everything at the scene at the very same time so I will throw that out to you for your consideration now if you're not doing that then you may only have an opinion on what could happen if you tried it of which I am not interested in The spiritual life's not a theory. I have to live it. So I'm just throwing this out for your consideration. Take a couple weeks, pick the same time in the morning. You might be amazed what starts to happen. There's a reason for that. And then when I come home at night, things quiet down, then I open the big book and there's a whole paragraph with 11-step review questions. So that's the 11th step. But the 10th step and all these incredible practices is what I do the minute I walk out that door. So one of the first things I do is I go to Starbucks, and it's a drive-in. And this is normally the first thing that gets on me is there's actually another car in the drive-In ahead of me. Now, it's 6 a.m., it's dark, there's nothing going on. I'm the president of my company I don't have, you know, I'm not late and this voice starts in we have to wait 10 step line of the will 10 step is line of the will time I walk my house until I get back can I stay aligned in the 10th step the voice starts shouldn't be any car there boom, back, line of the will thy will thy will, thy will right? get the coffee, drive out to work drive in and the day's on, the phones start people start coming up and it happens and it's on emotional upheavals at times turn, pause, ask thy will not mine be done vision, intent powerful stuff all day long all day along to do what? keep me lined aligned, the line of the will go home at night, do the evening review. Now I'm going to read some stuff but I want you to think about something. I want you to think about how your life or your day is going to be if you're not doing any of the practices I'm talking about. Even more so, I wantyou to thinkabout what your life is goingto be like if you are not doing the evening review. And I'll tell you based on my nut house experience this is what it looks like. Some of you might have had this happen today you did your prayer and meditation you felt like you were a good spiritual man and woman and you got in your car and then during the course of the day something happened and this phone call came and he didn't do what you wanted and so you're here this evening about like this line of the will you've heard very little i said because you're having some cute internal dialogue. You get that? Identified with your mind, not present. Here, you go to bed tonight, no review, nothing. Now you get up tomorrow morning, you're already like this. Add six more days on top of that. Now we come back around again and now add another the week, and then add a month, and you wonder why you're batshit crazy. That's my experience. What 10-11 do, if I do 11 in my home, and if I work at 10 all day, and I do my review, I lay down and I wake up in the morning And it's clean Man, it's cleaned I've looked at it I felt it I experienced it If there's anything to clean up I'm ready to rock and roll Let's go There's no I'm not carrying boxcars of crap behind me It's a new day It's fresh It's exciting I've never been here before The job is not boring I love the people I work with You know why? Because when you're free You're always present to them but you've never been with them before. See? This is what 10 and 11 do. But I want you to think about what happens if you're not doing any of that. I'll tell you what happens. The same thing happens to you. It happens for me when I wasn't doing that. The first voice I hear in the morning, I call it the vulture. Hi, Mark. Been waiting for your ass to get out. We want to talk to you about how unappreciated Coupled with she isn't treating you With the respect you deserve I haven't even had coffee My feet haven't hit the bed And it's on my ass Right And it starts And the fear comes in What about Boom now I'm hooked I'm tied into my mind Meditation books Read them Don't see a thing The mind What do you think about this you all do this you all get up every morning you got your little table with all your little host of characters around somebody better be chairing that meeting and it better be the spiritual man or woman right you don't know what I'm talking about they're all talking to you they're going just like this depending on who's afraid the most that voice is the loudest what do 10-11 do they allow you to have fun with all of this stuff that's what they allow you to do so let me read a few things to you and I want to talk about this thought brings me to step 10 y'all know what the thought is right amends amends make your amends which suggests that we continue to take personal inventory and we continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. That's the instruction to me that tells me to start working with this the day I start my amends. It says we vigorously commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past. This sentence has some very powerful instructions. It uses the word vigorously talks about a way of living we've entered the world of the spirit our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness this is not an overnight matter it should continue for our lifetime continue to watch for selfishness dishonesty resentment and fear when these crop up we ask god at once to remove them we discuss them with someone immediately and we make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone then we're going to resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help love and tolerance of others is our code let me talk about some of this stuff enter the world of the spirit in the fifth step i disconnect from ego i begin to but in the in the sixth step there's a line i thank god from the bottom of my heart that i know God better. Because I'm not blocked. Remember the only reason you wrote inventory was to face and be rid of that which has you blocked. I don't know if you've all experienced this, but you are a part of God. Whether you know that or not, or whether you've experienced it or not. It's like a wave is a part of the ocean. It is not the ocean, but it is a part of the ocean. My experience is the same is true of me of god and the work i do in four through nine allows me to realize that when it says we've entered the world of the spirit what does that mean experientially what it means to me is i have an awakened spirit and i'm well aware of the fact that i am connected with god and this language is about taking that awakened spirit out into the day and into my life and into everything I do. I've entered the world of the Spirit. Now, I want to go back to something. Imagine there's a door that we opened. There was a door. We did the first nine steps. It allowed us to open a door, and we entered. So imagine two things. A, if you don't move forward with your amends or B, you don' t work with 10 and 11 my experience is your ass will be shoved back and that door will be slammed shut and what you get to deal with then is self-will, sense of separation, completely identified with your mind, afraid yada, yada 10 and 11 allow you and I to stay in the room ladies and gentlemen to stay in the room. I'm going to make a real bold statement. There's never a waking moment when I don't have conscious contact with God. And God doesn't love me any more than any of you. I have been willing since I had that wonderful psychiatric nut house experience to do the things necessary to experience the promises in this book and one of them is the central fact of my life today is the absolute certainty that God lives within me and conscious contact and 10.11 is how I get to do that wow so I've entered the world of the spirit grow in understanding of effectiveness with what you go through the day and some of the other tools that this is going to talk about things like watch for what selfishness dishonesty resentment fear you're in a situation self-will versus God's will boom you watch you see you turn turn back an awakened spirit lets you do that lets you wake up to do that those of you who have been sober for a while when you start practicing with this may have had this experience you're right in the middle of some tirade or fear or whatever and all of a sudden it stops and you say how'd that happen right spirit an awakened Spirit take my awakened Spirit into my day to grow in understanding and effectiveness about taking my awakened spirit into my day, into my automobile, into every single thing that I do. Understanding and effectiveness. Let me give you simply a way that this showed up for me in a profound way. How many of you in the last week have had another human do some things that upset you or you had judgments about? And those of you who didn't raise your hand are liars. Having an awakened spirit does not stop you from being a human. You get that? One of the things that started happening when I really started to work with 10 and 11 had to do with I finally woke up to the fact one day that these people that I was upset with or making judgments with were not acting in that way out of choice. They, like me, were being driven. And they could do it no different. And here I am getting upset at them. And the reason I'm upset at then was twofold. One is I thought they could act different, but the only reason I wanted to act different was I needed something from them. And I woke up to that. To grow in understanding and effectiveness. You see how freeing that could be? and you start to realize that people maybe are being driven and not choosing to act in those ways, in those fashions. Some other tools you work with in the 10-step. This is a way I know how to work with things. The word watch. By the way, this was another thing. Some of you may have experience with this. I like to think I know what words mean. Do some of you do that the same way? What I discovered in the 10-step is a dictionary is incredibly helpful in understanding what it's trying to say, and the word watch is a good one. And when I'm going to take different practices like watch and ask and turn and cease, I write them out on 3x5 cards or 4x6 cards, and I'll put them in my car, and I will carry them with me, and I Will take one word or phrase, and work with it. For example, watch. The first time I worked with watch, I work with watch somewhere between three and six months. One 10-step practice and one 10-stepped practice only. Watching myself. Do what? Either get resentful, dishonest, become afraid, and practice watching myself and then being able to turn out of that and not act on it. The word ask, looking up the definition so I'm clear on what it means, working with the word ask. One of the things that I heard Big Frank say is that I got, because I was raised on a farm in Iowa. And he said when it comes to the 10th and 11th step, he said I don't care what you're going to do for a living, but it takes a lot of years to do it well. Well, the same is true of 10 and 11. These are practices, and they will take years before they are incorporated inside you at a cellular level. So hence the need to practice, practice 10 and11. So I'd take different words, the word ask. And by taking one word at a time in the 10 step and practicing with it, pretty soon it started to become an automatic response. In other words, I'd get in a situation, I would be fearful and I would automatically ask God to remove the fear, remind me what God would have me be. But I had to practice. This is how we like to practice. I love it particularly when people will talk to me about meditation. It'll sound like this, well, I tried it for three days and it didn't work so I quit. No, no, no. It's got just a little bit more of a commitment to that. So, yes. What time are we doing? Oh, I need to take a stop, right? Not yet? Just a couple minutes. All right. Well, let's do something. Yeah, let me stop for a minute and just field any questions you all might have in the 10-step. What I'm going to do in the next session is finish up on 10 and then talk a little bit more about 11. The depth of this is such, I could spend an entire weekend on 10-11. That's how much is in here. 10- 11 are like an abyss. Now prior to doing the work in 1 through 9, they look like four little pages. But questions? Anybody have any questions about 10? Let's say the 10th step. Anybody? That's one of the ways, yes. Maybe they're not choosing. I'll give you an example. I haven't been out in San Diego that long. I got in last Sunday. But I want to tell you something. If you've been born and raised in San Diego, you've been programmed a lot different than if you've been born and raised in Texas. You're going to make some different choices than a Texan would. Not by choice. Programming, programming, programming. You didn't choose your sex. You didn'T choose your name. You DIDN'T choose a single belief system you're probably sitting here living your life on. You get that? Neither anyone Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Mark, happy Happy birthday to you. I'm Tyla, I'm an alcoholic. And it is such an honor to give Mark this 24 years and to have him here because that cake had flames around it because he is on fire for Alcoholics Anonymous and he has passed that enthusiasm on to me. And one thing I want to say, because I know Mark personally, and this man has the most beautiful, loving heart that reaches out continually to the newcomers, to the hardcore person, no matter what he's doing. He said one thing that was so important. He said, the longer you're sober, the bigger the noose around your neck. Don't forget that, because that sobriety will become the most important thing rather than working with that new person. And I just love you and honor you, and thank you so much for everything you've done to help me. The President. So we're going to take a 15-minute break. Enjoy the cake. These things block us from our power. The cleaner we are, the more power we move. We must become a hollow bone so that Creator can use us to do what He wants us to do. My Creator, remove from all of us today all resentment, anger, fear, guilt and selfishness. Do not let our weaknesses and stand in the way of our usefulness to you. Make us a hollow bone so your power can flow through us. This program, as far as I can tell, requires that you and I have a direct experience with the power of God, with nothing in between. No ministers, no rabbis, no priests, no men, no women, no children. A direct experience with power. A disease so horrific in nature, It requires a direct experience. Boom. 10 and 11 let you stay hooked to that. 1 through 9 let you become a hollow bone. 10 and11 keep you there. You get that? A hollow bone, there's a little line before you make your third step decision. There's another line we don't talk about. It says with God's help I can be an entirely rid of self. do you think that's possible book says it is with God's help I can be entirely rid of self wow a hollow bone do the work face to be rid of that which has you blocked now 10 and 11 incredible exciting stuff we're back some of you are saying it's the second session Mark's talking guess what you've never been here with me I've never been here with you it's a new breath it's anew time we've never been with each other in this fashion how do you not get excited when you understand that in the time we've been in San Diego I went to a young people's meeting the other night and tell you one of the things I loved about it was their enthusiasm I can tell when people are present to now they have enthusiasm and they have a passion. Then we went to a few other meetings, colonics could have benefited the meeting. I hear people say, well, I'm bored with AA. No, you're not. You've never done the work to even know what the hell it means. Bored? My God. You know, every day, brand new, it's fresh. See, 10-11, keep that. I want to go back to talking more about, let me give you an example about understanding effectiveness. I, December 5th, was working for a company and went in at 8 o'clock in the morning and at 10 o' clock I drove out and no longer worked for them. And thank God I've done all the work that I've done because I was CEO of two companies and when I drove off that gate I left the CEO's ass parked right back there because that ain't who I am. And I drove out the gate saying, what exciting shit has God got for me now? Right? It's fabulous to be that present. Drive right out thegate, done. Have them look back a second. Whoa, what groovy stuff we've got. Because I told you when I was in the nuthouse what I told God. Where I live, who's in my life, what I do is none of my business. My business is do what you showed me to do, to be a hollow bone. so you can work through me. What do you want me to do? Grow in understanding and effectiveness. For years, the idea had been coming as I'd worked in the treatment field for years. I wanted to open a recovery center. No clinical. A recovery center, and that idea wouldn't leave me. There was a little problem. I didn't have the sufficient funds to do that. So what am I going to do What am I going to do? What am we going to grow in understanding and effectiveness? And so I'm putting focus and concentration here, going to meetings, working with a few men. And then an investor shows up. Spent some time. Could have got close to doing it. But through 10 and 11, I got very clear I was not supposed to be doing business with this man. So I passed. I passed! Not going to tell you that was easy. Wasn't easy. But you're either going to trust this or not. Men of faith have courage. They trust their God. I said, no thank you. It gets even dicier. Grow an understanding of effectiveness, right? Work with attitudes. The 11-step talks about attitude. I developed an attitude at this time. I call it drive it hard. You get to work with 1011 as far as I can tell based on the circumstances of your life. What would God have me do? So I get a call from another man. And he actually owns 20 treatment centers. And I think he wants me to do a little consulting with him. He doesn't. He wants to hire me as president of his company, and he wants to grow it. And he offered me some nice money to do that. And I go home, and I tell him, I can't answer that question. What do you have to do to answer? I've got to spend some time in prayer and meditation. Seek counsel. He said, cool. He's in recovery. Five days go by. Call him up. Keep in mind, I've gotten. nothing going on. And I said to him, I cannot do it. He said, what are you going to do? I said, I don't have a clue. Within about a week, calls started coming in and through a series of events, then I wound up sitting down with another man who is my partner today and so starting in about the end of March, driving hard. I've been living out of a suitcase basically from right around February up until about two weeks ago. Growing understanding of effectiveness, driving hard, going down to Austin, staying in a bed and breakfast, got a storage unit. I just turned 60 the other day. This was not my plan. I'm staying in bed and having breakfast, going to a storage unit. What do I want to wear today? Right? Having a ball doing it. Just having a ball doing it, right? Looked at deal after deal after deal because Mark had his little plans and designs. It was a horrible dilemma for an alcoholic. I had a suitcase full of cash and I couldn't get anyone to take it. Deal after deal and then, you know, okay, what do you want? Go over here. Okay. Drive on. Boom! That's it. write a contract three weeks later I'm living there surreal 54 acres 5500 square foot house farmhouse just three months before my ass had been parked up in Dallas, Texas in a tiny little two bedroom apartment wondering what the hell I was going to do when I grow up grow in understanding and effectiveness can I do the disciplines can I trust the power doing my evening review I'm afraid you see I'm afraid God no don't be go to bed wake up do it again. Do it again see all day long go to a meeting my pal Tony he'd call he'd just tell me every time he'd called he finally said to me one day do you ever not have a drunk over at your house and I said on occasion but doing what God would have me do doing my own work, being a hollow bone doing the 12th step doing 10 and 11 growing an understanding of effectiveness boom been open a hundred a hundred days god's blessed us with 19 men to help around boom a hollow bone a hollow phone that's all it is ladies and gentlemen it's nothing more i have a business card says i'm the president the only reason it says that is i have a skill set that would bring that title and then i have facility maintenance guy his titles every bit as important as mine we're just part of a team a bunch of hollow bones to help god's kids stop suffering no more, no less and to have fun with it grow in understanding of effectiveness wow, see my God, what would I do if I didn't have 10 and 11 how would I be able to how would i do this trust me, i'll tell you exactly what i would have done i would've gone to work for that other guy and none of this would've showed up can i trust 10 and eleven grow in understandings of effectiveness talks about turning turn is a practice. Turn the force away from yourself. Some of you get into that internal dialogue in the course of a day, or you'll get in a disagreement. You're up against your ego. Turn out of yourself. Turn to someone you can help. Doesn't have to be an Elkie that minds talking to you. Go into Starbucks. Make her smile. Make him smile. Turn, turn, Turn, turn over and over again. Turn out of yourself, back here, line of the will, right? Love and tolerance of others becomes a code. My experience was without doing the work in 1 through 9, work with 10 and 11, I have no capacity to practice that. Look up the word tolerance. You know what it says? It means I got to accept you and all of you and your behavior exactly as you are. Love and Tolerance of Others is a Code. Can I be in a position of neutrality to do that? Whoa. I don't know. Can I? Do I get to practice it? Love and tolerance of others becomes my code. Cease fighting anything or anybody, including myself. I stopped fighting myself. Cease fight anything or anything. Anybody dash even alcohol. What an incredible promise. With an awakened spirit, you see, I can do that. The book talks about position of neutrality. I got that a long time ago around me and alcohol. I've been placed in a position of brutality. As a matter of fact, it goes on to say I didn't do anything to bring that about. I did pursue a course of action and I had a revolutionary spiritual experience but I was placed in this position of neutrality. Finally, I realized the position of centrality is about far more than just around the drink. Position of neutrally around my judgments around my opinions, around my ideas around my memories of my old experience and that paragraph that gives us a warning it's easy to let up in the spiritual program of action to rest on our laurels laurels is what I did yesterday I don't know about this stuff people talk about insurance or something like that you build insurance I don' t know about that it seems to me I close my eyes I die each night I awaken each day and today better be the day that I take a course of action to stay in fit spiritual condition. Yesterday is no more than a memory. It's like playing an old movie. Wow. What did I do today? Did I do upon awakening? Did I work with a 10-step during the course of the day? Did I look at my evening review the night before? Was there anything I needed to carry forward? Was I present, right? I'm not cured of my alcoholism. Am I given a daily pre-contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition? Period. End of statement. It does not say that I stay sober if I have the right relationship, the right sum of money, the right job, blah, blah. As far as I can tell, there's only one thing that guarantees immunity and allows me to be a hollow bone, fit spiritual condition, and that's not God's job. That's Mark's job, set the alarm clock, get your feet on the floor seven days a week. My book doesn't say do a three and take four off. See, you go to the ocean with a thimble, you get a thimbler full of water. How much you want? Up to you. Up to you. I got tired of suffering, living my life based on my will with my ideas, which is why I finally decided to submit to this. Monday through Friday, if you said to me, do you like getting up at 4 o'clock? The answer would be no. And what difference does it make? Am I going to spend the time to get hooked up with that which I need to get hooked up when I walk out of the door? Do you get that? See, I don't know about the rest of you, but it's what happens from the time I walk down my door and I walk back in that creates my fear, my anxiety, my sense of separation, separation, my judgments, my resentments. It's what happens out there. Wow. So I get to work with 10 and 11 to stay in fit spiritual condition. These practices, and you begin to have fun with them. Every day is a day when I must carry the vision of God's will into all my activities. How can I best serve thee? Thy will not mine be done. I look up the word vision, and I'm just going to show you this but in 1998 i started working with vision and if god is if i am a part of god then that vision for my life i better be included in it and i startedworking with this concept in 1998 another book says in essence i get to co-create with god i'll tell you right now the new business that i just started the recovery center i just opened I wrote that down in 1998. Now, it took me eight years for God and I to manifest it, but it's there. Except as always, God's plans were far greater than mine. I called for a little $300,000 house on 20 acres. God said, no, here's $54.5 million. Jeez. You see? Vision. I got involved with my life. I got involved very specifically with my life and began to work with vision and begin to work within intent. And every morning, all month long... By the way, most of the men Tony can tell you that I work with, I teach them about vision and intent and they put together a book. For example, in the month of October, they write out their vision and intention for the month, what they're going to create. And then at the end of the month we sit down and we read them. Tell you what, The people who work with me, they don't doubt me anymore. Tony and I told them that we, here's what we said to them. By the end of October, we will be full of men who we get the opportunity in their suffering from alcoholism. We will be Full. At that time, we had nine. We got two more coming in next week. We'll be at 21. At 22, I'm Full. It is not a coincidence, and I'm not lucky. The vision, vision, power, intent, co-create with this power. Use 10 and 11. Incredible stuff. Earlier on, the big book talked about you and I get to be an agent. Look up the word agent. Someone who's empowered. This program is about power, ladies and gentlemen. It is about Power. Power to help others. power to have an abundant life to have a great life to get past your own drama your own self-imposed suffering thinking you've got to know what it looks like or what you need to be okay well, what happens if you just whoa, let it go let this power start manifesting in your life sending what's your way what must come and truly letting go truly letting go these are thoughts which must go with me constantly I can exercise my willpower along this line all I wish it is the proper use of the will think about that I can now exercise my Willpower along this line all I Wish it's the proper you so the will in the second step I look at the idea of insanity third step I make a decision to turn my will over to this power. By the time I get to the tenth step, now it says I can use my will because it's the proper use of the will. Tenth step, line of the will, you walk out of your house, you've done your disciplines, you're feeling good, right? It's all going your way. And then it starts, but you come back. Boom. Pause when agitated or doubtful. Ask God for the right thought, right action. Boom. God, guide me. One activity or the other. Before you shift, before you move. God, I'm going into a new activity. Guide me. Let me be present. Boom. Turn. All day long. You go over here. You get afraid. God, remove the fear. Remind me that you'd have me be an agent. Boom. Back. Use it in business. Use it and everything. i go do talks or i do presentations or i don't any of you know me for any time there's no notes there's nothing and that includes business presentations now don't get me wrong i do my homework but when i go in that situation i'm a hollow bone guide me let that manifest through me. And it does. I don't even have to think about it. Don't have to think about at all. Line of the will. Proper use of the will. Talk about the 11th step for a bit. Prayer and meditation. Step 11 suggests prayer and meditation? We shouldn't be shy in the matter of prayer. Better men than we are using it constantly. It, prayer and meditation works if I have the proper attitude and work at it. Now that's an interesting statement. It says it'll work if I have the properly attitude. How many of you ever ask yourself what that attitude is? It's described on page 55, and it has three components to it. Here's the first. God put aside my prejudice, which means preconceived thought or opinion. Allow me to think honestly and have me search deep within myself, God. And the book says on page 55, with this attitude, I cannot fail. And that is the attitude that I take into prayer. An open mind, an open heart every day because I've never been there before. How can I not have an open mind and an open heart to an experience I've never had, right? That proper attitude. I want to move ahead to upon awakening. Elke, he puts the evening review first. I don't know if Bill stayed up late a lot or not, but I'm going to talk to you about on awakening. It says we think about the 24 hours I had considered plans for the day. What do I do with that? I just bought a new coffee table. I bought it for one reason. Because I can lift the top up and I got all my books here. Looks like it's a coffee table, it's not. It's marked storage for stuff. And I pull currently I have three meditation books I work with. And I read those and then I read these pages and then I work off of a day planner a monthly calendar, and I pull those out and I stop right here, consider plans for the day. And I look at my plans for the day, I see if there was anything from the evening review I carried forward. Once I've done for the plans for the day I have my idea, right? Of how my canoe's going down the river. Now I haven't gone out my door yet, but I got this idea. Because intent intent and purpose I'm going to be here at this time, I'm gonna be here I'm going to be here. I'm gonna be here boom plans for the day now. I start to say these prayers My experience a lot of the 11th step is about your thought life About your thought like Emmett Fox work has been very helpful to me and scary Here's what scared me. He said your life is a manifestation of your thoughts Now, I don't know what kind of mind you all have. I know what kind I've got. That was a little scary. But also very helpful because I begin to understand through as I beginto see how often the word thinking and thought life is mentioned in the 11th step, and as I got introduced some spiritual laws, I begin to see the correlation and the fact that I better start paying attention to my thought life. That in fact, oh Emmett might have been right. That my thoughts determine my destiny and 10th and 11th step is about waking up to that. Waking up to them. And so I started to work with that. I love this. My thinking, I'm going to ask that my thinking my thought life be divorced from self-pity feeling sorry for myself dishonest or self-seeking you'll notice they go right from awakening to that prayer what does that say about how what we think they're basically saying don't take any time move now because otherwise your buddy the vulture how you doing she's gonna leave you you know you'll never find work have a good day you're laughing because you got the same voices i got they put this stuff in immediately divorce my mind right ladies and gentlemen there's a reason people shoot themselves in the head instead of the foot is to stop the voices under these conditions i can employ my mind with assurance for after all god gave me brains to use my thought life i don't know if you ever thought about this i've never seen those two words together in that fashion thought life i'll give you a consideration is it possible that your thought life has created your current reality And then the exciting part about that is if there's any phases of it you don't like and it's true, you get to change it. Now here's the other neat thing about that. You also don't get to blame anyone anymore. Your thought life. Now it gives me some instructions if I'm facing indecision. Three different things to ask for. inspiration, intuitive thought or decision and in that great sentence we relax and take it easy. Whoa. What a commandment. Relax and take It Easy. See with an awakened spirit and having faith and trust and courage in God I can relax and take It Easy See Tony and I were laughing when we came out here and we actually thought we were going to get some vacation. We've done more business since we've been in San Diego than the last three months back in Austin. Of course, now he tells me he needs to live out here with you all. But this stuff works. Talks about concluding the period of meditation with a prayer. Show me what my next step is to be. Give me whatever I need to take care of such problems. I ask especially for freedom from self-will. Some other instructions. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer. Go through the day. Pause and agitate or doubtful. Ask God, right thought, right action. Remind yourself you're no longer running the show because you're not whether you realize it or not. See, it's like some of you, if I said to you, some ofyou probably thought you chose to come here tonight, correct? Some ofyou would say yes? I submit to you not a single one ofyou had a choice in you being here tonight. That there's a power that loves you enough that brought your ass here to say, there's more of me. You've been going to the ocean with a thimble. I'd like to give you more of Me. I'd Like you to end your suffering. I'd Iike you to be a hollow bone. I'd Like you to wake up to the sacredness of every breath and what happens in that breath. And I'd lIke you to lose your fear. And I'D Iike you to know they're all as well with Me all the time. you didn't choose it you were brought here and what you do with it that's up to you God bless you I love you questions Um, sure. When it presents itself, one of my primary objectives is to not react. By the way, on this subject, you must get over your obsession with how you feel about things. The reason I say that is because your emotions come and go. And they're not good, it's not a good indicator to use to make decisions on. So when you talk about conflict, the emotion might be fear, it might be pain, it might be anger. The first thing I do is I do not react to the emotional experience I'm having. That's the first thing. Then from there, if I'm awake, unless I got caught off guard, pause. Just pause with it. Let it unfold. That's what I do as that arises. Now, the other side of it is sometimes if I fall asleep, that happens. By the way, just so you know, just because you think your eyes are open does not mean you're awake. So I'll fall asleep and I'll get in a situation and I will get really afraid or anger and it will shoot through me. which the great news for me today is that feels like an alien has invaded my body, which is great. I don't act out of it, or many times now if I do act out of it I catch myself and stop then and deal with it. But if you'll work with 10 and 11 your conflict resolution will become much easier. I have a question. Initially, when you start doing step 10 and 11, is it like, I guess if you do it perfect every day, you'll be perfect every day, but I have found that it doesn't happen like that for me. Like, I felt like I was there for three or four days, and then I felt like I wasn't there, and then I feel like I'm not there. Is there something that you can do to make it a little more consistent? No. Think of it like this. Those of you who do any form of physical exercise. Say you want to run or study karate, whatever. The important thing is to do it. To show up. To do whatever it is you do. i lift and work out on a spin bike some days i'm real excited about lifting some days the stage character that's slothful does not want anything to do with it i work out anyhow free of judgments about what it looked like Free of judgment. Lose your judgments. There's no arrival place. It's circular. It goes inward. One place is no better than the other. They're just different. I could not help but reflect the old movie that brought me up to now, and strangely enough, I reflect back now on what fondly, on events at the time that did not seem like fond memories. What does that mean to me? It's like this, it's an inward circle and no place is any better than any other, it's just different. Practice, practice, practice. Stumble, fall, practice practice. Stop judging yourself. oh yeah remorse morbid reflection yeah let me read it well they're they're they're symptoms of your ego your perfectionism which is why it tells you to avoid them here's what it says must be careful not I'm on page 86 we must be careful not to drift into worry remorse or morbid reflection worry is the future is it not what is remorse and morbid reflection and where is the only place in which you experience God while the book is saying if you're going into worry remorse or morbid reflection you're now identified with your mind and you're not present and you are absolutely useless I want to say something about meditation if I had not begun a daily meditation life which I began in 1991 one, following my wonderful experience, I would never have lost my identification with my mind. And if you do not lose your identification with your mind, you will continually suffer and be full of fear and be separated. That is my experience. It was in meditation. Meditation when I first started was difficult, but I'm an athlete so I get daily discipline. I bought a timer. I read a few books, and what I really understood about meditation is nothing other than do it. Focus on breath. I'd set that timer seven minutes. I'm going to do this holy act. Man, I had sexual shit roaring through my mind. It was insane. So you sit in meditation. You have no idea what's going on up there. But you sit, and they start. What are you doing? it was amazing to me I had no idea that was going on meditation go off and I go God almighty but I did it twice a day and then after about two three weeks I remember normally I couldn't first of all I'm alone in this house but I'm looking to see if anyone sees that I'm lucky you can see how much time is left right you know and it's seven minutes and i'm like a minute into it you know jesus what the boys we got work to do we gotta go don't you stupid meditation nobody will know the difference you can lie to jesus just insane shit but i remember the first time the timer went off and i wasn't looking at it i'm going whoa that's kind of trippy And then I increased the time, and then I started to meditate, and then i got up to 20 minutes, and i started to go into work, and i noticed that it was calm. And i noticed i wasn't afraid. And all kinds of incredible stuff started to happen, so the effect produced by meditation was profound on me fairly quickly. And i remember one of the most significant things that happened to me via meditation was the day that i realized i was not my mind. There was a day in meditation in which I was watching my mind think, and I realized I was not my mind. And that was a major turning point in my life because from that day to this, my mind's like a PC at home with windows. It's just running, doesn't mean it's relevant. Just neat shit goes across. I don't think I'm going to print that one out. Thanks for sharing. See, before the thought goes, it's my reality, right? She's going to leave, right. Oh, my God, now I'm afraid. You know what I mean? Then I get into action and once it just goes, well, that's interesting. I can't in this day and age Tyler and I were talking about this some of you I don't know if you're old as me but I can tell you've been around a little while some of your friends some of them may not relate to this I was around before they had cell phones and I gotta tell you something it was a lot less stressful it's 2006 you know you laugh If you drive down the, I laughed today. We're driving down the freeway, 75 miles an hour. I'm on my cell phone. She's on her cell phone and the radio's on. That's fucking insane. That's common. We think it's normal. Meditation. I don't know how you and I are going to cope in the future without meditation to free us from this insane zoom, boom, you know. And Tony and I were talking about it. I mean, I had to finally... I can't remember what day it was. I lose track of time out here, but I think it was Tuesday. I see Tyler gets up and says, we're going to do this. And I said, no! Whoa! Stop! I ain't doing nothing. I ain'T moving out of this room. I got to slow the roll down, baby. You see? Whoa. You know? Did a meditation. Took a three-hour nap. Okay, I'm centered again. tony and i are laughing to me you you all got it going on baby feet running boom you know it's i still we're laughing we don't have this problem in texas the two biggest problems i can see in your meetings is one can you find a place to park and two will someone save you a chair we have to deal with shit like drinking stuff like that Anyhow, for God's sakes, meditate. fellowship like here's the body but i can't really be like you're saying too much i'll stand up here and and tell you i'm i'm 60 years old celebrating 24 years and life without 10 11 and 12 terrifies me to this day with it i can do any questions One more. Yes? You said you have to have a simple attitude, right? Going into it with this attitude you can't fail. Because I'm telling myself, like, if I do it, I'm probably going to fail. So in order to not fail, I have to open-minded and open-hearted. But it's like just happening that I'm really getting present to my ideas. Right. And I have so many layers of delusion over them. Yeah, you go back to pretending you're working out. Are you going to not go to the gym because you think you're going to fail or are you just going to go to the gym and do it? Just do it. Listen, there's a line in the big book. Basically, if we take the course of action, it happens to us. Quit worried about making it happen. Just take the action that it's easy our part is easy just do it do 10 do 11 watch the chain watch it will happen you see what you're trying to do your mind there's an arrival place it looks a certain way and of course that's all tied into quote perfectionism which we have as long as we still feel separate from everybody and everything which we haven't for dinner just do let go of what it looks like. It may take you years. So what? There is so much virtue just in knowing you're doing it. You let go of what it looked like, how it happened. I don't know how many of you have read The Power Now by Eckhart Tolle. I had to write inventory on that son of a bitch when I read it. Do you know why? Because he had a complete collapse of ego when he was 29. Well, why couldn't God do that for me? That'd be the easier, softer... We always want the easier and softer way. I want to meditate two times and become enlightened. Don't think it's going to happen. Just don't think it's gonna happen. Right? I've never met an enlightened drunk. Don't thing I ever will. See? So, just do it. My problem is someone said, you know how it's sad? You know when it says if you'll start working I had the very same thing I don't know some of you can relate to this when I first started working with this pause occurred to me after I'd assassinated your character. I'm going, okay, this is a real nice spiritual concept. So I went to some elders and they said, here's where you start working with watch and ask and turn what you're going to find is then you can pause. And that's exactly what I had to do. But I had, but I had to start there watch ass turn because yeah pause was non-existent until i was on the other end of it see that's back to the practices practice practice practice and there's no such thing as failure there's just practice hey frank Yes, sir. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I'll be glad to. I've been in sales my entire life. God's got me up here selling you on 10 and 11. You know the line in 11 Step, be quick to see where religious people are right. Well, the book Conversations with God, book one was a major turning point in my life And in there, God talked about some spiritual laws. And one of them is he said, look, you didn't come down here to learn anything. You came down here and create. You're a part of me, and all I am is a creation machine. And here's who you create. The words I am. I'll throw this out to you. The words, I am every single one of you in this room right up to this moment today, in almost every sentence you've uttered, you started with the two words, I am and most of you aren't aware that you're even doing it and they are incredibly creative. I'm an alcoholic, I'm hungry, I's lonely, I tired, I this, I am, right? I'm lonely. You don't even know you've been saying it, have you? See there's another book. I personally love the Old Testament because you know I'm this kind of guy. God just blew up mountains and did some dramatic shit. And we like that. You know what I mean? We like the rock star effect, but I... That book says this guy Moses, you know, he meets God. Who are you, dude? I am that I am. So when I read that, I thought, huh, there's something to this. So what God said in there, He said, look, here's the deal. Look at your life. Because this guy's whining about his life right god said not my fault that you don't want to use spiritual laws that have been around forever the laws of creation so he gave us some in there and one of them was some people might call it goal setting but he said start getting real specific about how you want to recreate your life doctor's opinion says you and i get to recreate a life so i started working with that i am state i call them i am statements right i don't care if it's in sales or whatever and I've been doing that since then and my life took off like a rock took off like a rocket you guys, maybe you can relate to this I love this this guy, he's not an alky but he sure reminds me of me just whining about shit God said to him, look here's the deal it's not my fault that you don't want to take these spiritual laws and work with them I'm not going to change my universe to suit you. They've been here forever. Work with them. And then God said, however, if you don't want to, that's fine with me. God said I don't give a shit if you get your life together or not but you might. And I knew that was true because the big book says all my troubles are my own making. And so I took those laws. I followed the 11th step. Be quick to see religious people right? And I said, you know what? I'm going to try this. I've known since seventh grade i was supposed to be a published author right written all kinds of shit nothing's happened so i started going because i i can be very agnostic with this stuff and i go well it probably won't work but i'll try i'm writing the book and i'm writing the two weeks later i'm out running and me and another guy in three weeks wrote a book which got published that caught my attention so i said well i'm gonna try this one other thing. This is money. So I was making X amount of dollars and I learned another lesson here. I said, I'm earning more money, not specific enough. About three days later my boss comes down and they get a $10,000 raise. That's two things that happened in two weeks applying some simple laws, spiritual laws and I said I believe these laws probably are applicable to me too. So, I started working with them and I've been working with him ever since. I am very involved in creating my life if that makes sense very involved I don't know if that helped a couple more hi Debra Well, earlier on the book said above everything you've got to be rid of your selfishness. Correct? You do the work. Let's make an assumption that happens. What are some things that you could ask for in that prayer? If you wake up in the morning and you get to that point in that book and you're paralyzed with fear, are you going to be useful to others? Then you could ask God to remove it. Let's say you can't pay your bills and that's going to produce fear. Are you goingto be useful that day? Then youcould ask God. Do you get it? That's how I work with that. A couple more and then we'll shut it down. No more? okay oh boy they different ones have come to me over the years Emmett Fox stuff is good 365 days with Emmett Fox one of my favorite is a book called 365 Tao spelled T-A-O it just a lot of different ones have come my way over the years and it seems like I well they just show up. I don't know how else to say it that way and then I work with them for a while and then same with meditation. Sometimes I use music, a lot of times I use silence I'll mix it up for a While every so often but again the key for me is to do it I have been a proponent in the belief system of be quick to see where religious people are right did tremendous reading in a lot of the different disciplines, Eastern, Hindu, Buddhism, you name it. And I've found them all to be extremely helpful. I still laugh about my experience with the big book allowed me to understand a lot of what I used to read in those. But same with meditation. If you want to learn about meditation, go talk to a guy that's been doing it 20 years. Classes, there's great classes to take. If those of you, how many of you have never gone to a monastery for a weekend? Raise your hands. Go do it. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Now, particularly if they observe silence, have fun. Just start out with Friday night until Saturday morning. Take advantage of that whenever you can. one of my intents my vision in the next 12 months is to take two silent retreats three days learn to love the silence because sound emanates from silence I think that one last thing I'll tell you I it's I love seeing a room full of people who are excited about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I salute you all keep at it we need men and women who had an experience with precise specific clear cut instructions to leave this fellowship in better shape than when we came please continue God bless you all, I love you