The Vital Spiritual Experience – Workshop – the Lost Tapes – Part 7 of 8 – Mark H.

relationships raise your hands you probably love that person can you stay away from alcohol based on that love okay you understand what the book's trying to get me to look at here that i've gone far beyond human aid i can come up with the deepest most sincere feelings in the world that won't keep me away from alcoholic the book is trying to give me in touch with something mark you've lost power choice control you have no mental defense it's trying to make me go into my own experience and deep down my gut start to feel this i don't know about the rest of you but i'm already experiencing that once again because i'm flashing back over my life and thinking of the times and i tried to pull up everything i could to stay away from alcohol and couldn't do that turn the page page 26 and 27 i love this story out story of a great alcoholic named roland hazard roland spent a year with dr carl jung one of the greatest psychiatrists in the world and about the middle of page 26 i i love it only an alcoholic thinks like this says above all roland believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge of the inner workings of his mind and its hidden springs relapse was unthinkable i.e my ego telling me that i think i know what i'm doing to keep myself sober it's a lie god keeps me sober god keeps you sober but over a period of time i watch what my alcoholic ego does well i'm staying sober because i'm working with all these men oh really I'm going to give you something to think about as we tie into finishing page 43. Going back through the work this time, I got a lot of distance between me and alcohol. I say to God, God, please show me where am I with no mental defense, no power, no choice, no control, 11 plus years away from a drink? He did. You know what he showed me? He gave me a videotape rerun from the day I got sober in 1982 up to that morning and he showed me literally months at a time where I was in deep, deep emotional pain, at times in depression. And there was not a single tool I've ever been given in this program that could have kept me away from alcohol based on where I came from. Do you see what I'm trying to say here? There were so many times in 11 plus years that I should have been absolutely drunk, that every tool I'd ever learned, whether it's calling somebody, praying, you name it, they were gone. I was in so much pain, I should've been drunk, and I was, in prayer and meditation that morning, sober. He showed me, 11 years away from a drink, that he is the one who has kept me sober, and he showed me that I have no power, no choice, no control, no defense. that's a good exercise if you've been sober for a while so Roland middle of page 27 I have to put in terms that I can understand the spiritual experience because when I came here and even sometimes today it's difficult for me to look on to words and Dr. Young uses some words here which I think really speak to me simply about what has to happen to me here And he says this, Roland goes back to the doctor after he'd relapsed and says to him, you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic, Roland. I've never seen one single case recover where that state of mind existed to the extent it does in you. Roland felt as though the gates at hell had closed on with a clang. He says to the doctors, there's no exception. Yeah, replied the doctor, there is. Exceptions to cases such as yours have been occurring since early times. Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me, these occurrences are phenomenal. Now he describes what has to happen to you and I. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Look at the next sentence. Ideas, which is how you think, emotions, which es how you feel, and attitudes, which are your belief systems, which are once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side and a whole new set of concepts and motives begins to dominate them. No human power can produce that, folks. Going to meetings can't produce that. Having a sponsor can't reduce that. There's also something else that's interesting. They left out emotions when they talk about this change. You know why? Because when I do this work and develop a relationship with God, my thinking changes. When my thinking changed, my feelings changed. The other thing that happens, my fit spiritual condition is separated from how I feel. Without doing this work, I used to be trapped by my emotional nature. This time through the work, there was a lot of sadness for me. Probably more than any other time as I've written inventory. this may be hard for some of you to relate and some of you may relate to it. I had days of extreme sadness but I was also in extreme joy because sadness is just a feeling God gave me. That's all. I'm not dominated by my feelings anymore. I believe there's a reason why they talk about this spiritual experience and why they say ideas, emotions, and attitudes which are once the guiding force get cast to one side and I begin to be dominated by a whole different set of concepts and motives. Today my feelings are just my God-given feelings. They don't control me. They don' t own me. Let's go on. Page 28. Here's an instruction to a new person that smashes another middle of the road in AA about take your time oh just work the steps when you're comfortable my sponsor says to me mark you better get a flamethrower up here but if you ever expect to get comfortable because he knew what was wrong with me but here's what it says we in our turn sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men what seemed at first a flimsy read has proven to be the loving and powerful hand of god look at the next promise a new life has been given us, or if you prefer, a design for living that works. I was a lifeguard and I had rescued two people. Now here's the visualization. Hey, we hear take your time, work the steps when you're comfortable, right? Those two people I saved, imagine this. One of them was in a swimming pool, about a 14-year-old girl. She's coming up for about the third time before I see her. I'm standing there with the life jacket. What do you think she would have said if, in fact, out of pulled her out and saved her if she's coming up gasping dying i say i gotta go get a cup of coffee i'll be with you in a minute what do you think we do we tell people now call it synonymous take your time we're killing people with that stuff i'll never lie to a drunk if i get a new person and they are interested at all first meeting first time i'll sit down with them with this book and we're going to talk about this and we'RE GOING TO GET INTO THIS WORK immediately if this is what they want in working with others we're going to read probably smash a lot of ideas some of you may have about sponsorship you know what working with others says on my first visit with the man if he's at all interested give him a book you know it says on a second visit after you've asked him to read it ask him if he prepared to go through with the 12 steps of the program of alcoholics anonymous second visit and then it says get going rock and roll you know why because the men and women who wrote this book which i believe is by divine inspiration knew what is wrong with us one night may be the night where the alcoholic has no mental defense picks up the drink and dies that's why i think it says seek recovery with the desperation of drowning men you know you and i are not suffering from some little flu here when we go back out and pick up a drink of alcohol we can die that night that's why i pay attention and why i carry my book into meetings because when i hear someone in a meeting tell a new person take your time i pull out this book and i say aa has many people in it who have a lot of opinions you just heard one let me tell you what this book says there's another instruction in chapter five how it works we hear it all the time we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start we beg if you they're begging new people to be furious and thorough for the very story not take your tongue take your time can kill some of us top of page 29 says further on clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered what is that the eighth ninth tenth time telling us we recovered when it says clear cut directions right in there chapter five now you turn over to page 30 chapter three more about alcoholism says most of us have been willing to admit we're real alcoholics now we know what a real alcoholic is now, don't we? Wow, that's exciting. It's someone who can't stop or moderate. Says no person likes to think he's bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it's not surprising that my drinking career was characterized by countless vain attempts to prove I could drink like other people. The idea that somehow someday I will control and enjoy my drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing many pursued into the gates of insanity or death now there's something we have to do actually i think before we do the first step and it's in considering what we've been considering and it summarized the next sentence i learned i had to fully concede to my innermost self that i was an alcoholic till that happens in my gut not in my head i will not go through this process and do this work and the way we're trying to do that is through the path of consideration taking statements out of the book looking for the answers down in our gut with our own experience but i reached the place where i had to concede to my innermost self that i'm an alcoholic because along with conceding to my innermost self, I begin to get the desperation of a drowning man. I'm no different today. Nothing will interfere with my recovery. No job, no woman, physical health. I was in a major car wreck in 1985, went through the windshield of a car, traumatized all the muscles in my neck. They wanted to give me all kinds of dope and I said, no thank you. what do you mean it isn't worth telling you i went through a lot of pain there isn't any pain alcohol back in me and when i put alcohol back to me i'm separated from god that is the worst pain for me anymore that started from a place of desperation where i admitted to my innermost self that i was a real alcoholic and i knew from my experience no human power could help me, would ever help me. And I have never left that position. I've never lost my willingness. I never lost the fire in my belly because I know what's wrong with me. I know is wrong with me! I don't know what percentage, but there are a lot of people in AA who do not know what is wrong them. They're the ones who can do perhaps middle of the road. And understand something else, not everyone in AA is an alcoholic. AA has been flooded with hard drinkers. A hard drinker given sufficient reason doesn't have to do this work. And they are very vocal. I don't judge anyone in Alcoholics Anonymous as to whether or not they choose to do This Work or not. It just, for me, gets down to a real simple deal. I was going to die unless I did because I was a real alcoholic. Then I went through and did it, and I tasted the honey. And you can't go back. This program and these steps are about levels of freedom, closer relationships with God. It's simple. How close do you want to get to Him? We get to the 10th and 11th step. I'm going to share some stuff for you that a lot of you may or may not even relate to. I'm going to share some stuff about taking tools from the world of the Spirit out into this world 24 hours a day. I'm gonna share with you what you all call the real world is mostly an illusion to me today and that most of the time I operate in the world of the spirit and I'll share with you how to get totally at peace with yourself 24 hours a day and the world around you. That's why I keep going through this thing. How much freedom do you want? Is it possible that you can actually have an absolute incredible healthy relationship with a man or woman in your life? With God, you bet it is. Absolutely. Is it possible that you could work at a job that you absolutely love and be effective? Absolutely. Is it impossible that you Could be in great physical health? Absolutely. God is everything or God is nothing. Is it possible that I have limited what God can do for me based on my alcoholic ego rebuilding itself? And is it possible, distance between me and a drink, that I'm operating with an old agnostic belief system once again? Those are some things we're going to look at. The delusion I'm like other people or presently may be has to be smashed. I will never be like other People. the delusion that i am like other people who presently maybe has to be smashed we talked about this the other day i don't know if this will ever change i'm a sensitive alcoholic my feelings get hurt the first thought is how can i kill him and not get caught the second is i say a prayer that doesn't happen to my neighbor he does not do that ed and i were talking about this he went down to trinidad and made some amends you guys aren't going to like yet i'm going to use him when i get to amends for those of you who have never made all your amends can't go there but he was talking about when he went out and he went and made amends to people and they said i don't even know what you're talking about meaning people who don't seem to have our disease someone will do something injure them little bit, create some kind of harm, say something to them. Hell, they forgot about the next hour. You and I'll take it to the grave. The delusion unlike other people or presently may be has got to be smashed. I'm glad I know what I am today. I found my home. I've found the men and women that I absolutely love and I enjoy spending my time with, and they're very much a part of my life today. It goes on to say that we alcoholics are men and when we've lost the ability to control of drinking, no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All this felt at times we were gaining control, but such intervals, usually brief, were inevitably followed by still less control, I love these next words, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. Now that's where I was also at two and a half years away from a drink. Pitiful and incomprehensible demormalization. page 31 paragraph says despite all we can say many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they're in that class goes on gives us examples of self-deception experimentation they're going to try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule we know what the rule is today Can I control it once I start? And once I stop, can I stay stopped? That's the rule. And it goes on and gives us a whole page of different things we try and look at your own experience and see how many of them you've tried. I get tired of reading that stuff. It's amazing what we go through to try and prove we're not an alcoholic and people who aren't alcoholics don't have to go through any. You see what I'm saying? Bottom of the page, we do not want to pronounce any individual as alcoholic. But quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest bar room and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and strop abruptly. Try it more than once. I don't know about the rest of you, but as an alcoholic, based on my experience, the idea of taking two drinks for 30 days does not conjure a pleasant feeling up in me. Now, you tell that to a normal person. and they'll probably say, well, that seems a little bit much. You notice something else. The book waited until page 31 to tell me to go back out and try controlled drinking. So if you're working with a new man or woman, before you tell them to go out and let booze bring them back in, do the work in the first 31 pages if they're willing to do that so that maybe they can find the truth and maybe they don't ever have to go blackout again. They don't have to get back out there again. Now, there's some other things I like. page 32, that's talking about there's no way of proving it. We believe early in our drinking careers most of us could have stopped. And now they're going to take an example of a man who at age 30 laid down alcohol, and he stayed away from alcohol for 25 years. And then toward the bottom of it it says, this man then fell victim to a belief which practically every alcoholic has that his long period of sobriety and self-discipline had qualified him to drink as other men. Out came his carpet slippers and a bottle, and in two months he was in the hospital, puzzled and humiliated. And it talks about on the top of page 33 every attempt failed for him to get sober and he died in four years. This case contains a powerful lesson. Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch we could thereafter drink normal. But here's a man who at 55 found he is where he left off at 30. We've seen the truth again and again. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we're in a short time as bad as ever. If we're planning to stop drinking and highlight this next part of this sentence, there must be no reservation of any kind nor any lurking notion someday we will be immune to alcohol. That's an easy one for me to test. If someone starts doing the work with me and they're unwilling to finish the work, that tells me they have a reservation or they think they will someday be immune to alcohol. When I was doing this, I gave Don one. You know what he said to him? He said to me, do you have any reservations? I said, well, I don't think I'm ever immune to it. I didn't say it that way. I said I know I'm not immune, but I said it's occurred to me if I was 65 and got cancer and I had three months to live. Maybe I'd drink then, you know, because I was dying of cancer. And he said, oh really? He said, let me tell you what your alcoholic mind will do with that. You'll take that down until you stubbed your toe when you walked out of my house and you'll be drunk tonight. There must be no reservation of any kind that I'll ever be immune to alcohol. And I began to understand what the book was trying to say. Now it gets into talking about young people And then at the bottom of the page, it talks about women. In pages 23 to 43, let me explain what the book does that's so important. It destroys the idea of your age being a reason why you're not a real alcoholic. It destroysthe idea of I'm a woman who didn't drink a long time. It destroys that. It has you look at only one thing. Why am I powerless over alcohol mentally before I pick up the drink? See, the alcoholic ego looks for every reason in the world why it's different. All the time. I'm a housewife, Mark. I just drank at home. You don't understand. No, really? Really? The binge drinker. The occasional drinker, the person who stays away from alcohol two years, goes back to it in two months, is so sick they're almost dead. The alcoholic ego does everything in the world to look at why it's different, but what the book does, if you're doing it with somebody, is still make you look at something real simple. What happened to you? What was the mental state of mind that you went through before you picked up a drink and have you had sufficient reason to never pick it up again? If you turn over to page 34, the middle paragraph, I went to my sponsor one time and I said something to him. I said, it's becoming obvious to me—this is when I was doing some amends and I was not real comfortable—I said, It has become obvious to be that there are people in Alcoholics Anonymous who do not have to do this work. He said, Yeah. I said, well, I don't understand. So he always pointed me to the book, and he pointed me to a paragraph on page 34, and here's what it says. For those who are unable to drink moderately, the question is how to stop altogether. We're assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop. Next sentence. Whether such a person can quit upon a non-spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he's already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not. Let me give you a warning. When I go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, if there are ten people there, there's one thing I'm real clear on. I cannot do what eight of them do in order for me to stay sober and stay close to God. I am real, real clear in that. The book is trying to get me to look at something. Whether I can recover on a non-spiritual basis, meaning There's people in AA who can just go to meetings, study the book, never do these steps, maybe go up through the third step, and they stay sober and they do quite well, thank you, and their life seems pretty good. The book just told me about those people, why they can do that. How far did you lose the power of choice? Well, I told you the state of mind I was in when I came into AA. I am a mad dog. I sought everything I could get out of alcohol. For me, anything that is not a part of the spiritual experience will not ever work for me. I am a mad dog. I must do this thing. And for me, I choose to do it once a year. Now there's a line in the book to me that's kind of an instruction that tells me that. It says a business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. but be real clear when you go into meetings of alcoholics anonymous be real clear where you're at and what you are be real careful when you ask someone to sponsor you i'm going to give you a series of questions those of you are going to leave here and go look for sponsors i'm gonna give you some questions to ask that sponsor because in the fifth step it tells you it's a life or death matter i think it's important to find out whether or not your sponsor has a sponsor. And I think it's important to find out whether or not your sponsor works out of this book. And I Think It's Important to Ask That Man, Have You Made All Your Amends? There's some real important questions. Then you decide based on their answer whether you want to do the work with them or not. But there are some questions that you ought to ask. How free do you want again? The Ten Steps says the problem's been removed. It does not exist for me. I am a recovered alcoholic. You know this issue we're looking at right now? We've lost the power of choice. I want you to think about something. In the tenth step, when the problem's been removed, it does not exist for Me. I don't know what kind of God you all chose, but My God loves Me enough that if the problem has been removed and I'm in the sunlight of the Spirit, there's no option to drink alcohol. I don't have to worry about choice do I if I've done the work in this book if I have not I donno let's keep going top of page 35 we're going to describe the mental states that precede the relapse into drinking for this is the crux of the problem what sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experience of the first strength friends who've reasoned with him after a spree which brought him to the point of divorce or bankruptcy are mystified when he walks directly into a saloon why does he what is he thinking and the first guy is a guy named jim and there's a sentence in there that describes i think his spirituality it says he's an intelligent man normal so far as we can see except for a nervous disposition and then it says we told him what we knew of alcoholism steps one and two and the answers we found he made a beginning step three families reassembled he began to work as a salesman for the business he had lost through drinking uh-oh every resentment now i get a warning all went well for a time but he failed to enlarge his spiritual life steps four through nine He found himself drunk a half a dozen times in rapid succession. See, I love this. In AA, people relapse, and after a while, there's some clubs where other members of AA don't want to work with this guy or gal that's relapsed a lot. They talk about here, this guy got drunk a halftime a half-a-dozen times. It says on each of these occasions, we work with him reviewing carefully what have happened. I'll never turn my back on a drunk. There's a drunk I know that all kinds of people turned their back on this woman. She's now in California coming up on eight months sober. Probably the most helpless chronic case of alcoholism I've ever seen. I'll never turn my back on a drunk. I don't care how many times they relapse. Why? Because I understand the first step, that's why. So it talks about Jim. They talk with him. He faces a trip to the asylum, losing his family, whatever. Then page 36. And I want you to think about the Don Johnson story. Sober 10 years, could drink a little wine. Jim, in squiggly lines, the thought crosses his mind if he put an ounce of whiskey in his milk, it wouldn't hurt him on a full stomach. So he ordered a whiskey and he poured it into the milk. I love this next line. I vaguely sensed I wasn't being any too smart, but felt reassured as I was taking the whiskey on a whole stomach. Ten years sober, I can drink just a little line with dinner. What are they talking about? This guy, he's sober, got distance between him and booze. Let me make sure I explain something. Once alcohol is out of your system, you are not dealing with craving. If you're a month away from booze and you're thinking about drinking, you are dealing with the obsession of the mind, not craving. I hear people sit in meetings and say, I'm six months over and I'm craving alcohol. No, you're not. You are six months sober and you are obsessing about alcohol probably because the spirituality is continuing to grow in you. Craving only shows up once alcohol is in my body. That's it. So, bottom of the page, squiggly lines, Jim has much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic, yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea he could take whiskey if he only mixed it with milk. whatever the precise definition of the word may be we call this plain insanity how can such a lack of proportion and ability to think straight be called anything else when the second step says came to believe that power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity they are talking about sanity around alcohol they are not talking about the fact we are clinically insane although some of us probably fit that too when it comes to alcohol we are insane. We have no mental defense. We have a lot of reasons to never put it in us again, but we put it in us again. Now, it goes on to say, you may think this is an extreme case. To us, it is not far-fetched, for this kind of thinking has been characteristic of every single one of us. Some of you know what I'm talking about. You were sober for a while and relapsed, and you have the experience with this kind of thinking. I know several of your stories, so I know what I'm talking about. Now, what I like is the bottom of the page. Here's another example to look at to see does it fit your experience. And I'm going to read about this jaywalker and I'm gonna substitute my name and alcohol in there. And you do the same when you read it. Bottom paragraph page 37. Mark's behavior is absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink is that of an individual with a passion, say, for jaywalking. Mark gets a thrill out of drinking alcohol for a while. Mark enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point, you would label Mark as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts Mark, and he has a couple car wrecks or DWI and gets slightly injured. You would expect Mark, if he were normal, to quit drinking. Presently, Mark's drunk again, this time has a major car wreck. Within a week after leaving the hospital, Mark gets drunk again. Gets another DWI. Mark tells you he's decided to stop drinking for good, but in a few weeks, he gets in another wreck. On through the years, this conduct continues accompanied by Mark's continual efforts and promises to be careful or to not drink anymore. Finally, Mark can no longer work. His wife gets a divorce. Mark's held up for ridicule. mark tries every known means to get drinking out of his head he shuts himself up in treatment centers hoping to mend his ways but the day he's released from the treatment center he goes back to the bar and gets drunk again such a man would be crazy wouldn't he says you may think our illustration is too ridiculous but is it we who have been through the ringer have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jaywalking the illustration would fit us exactly however intelligent I may have been in other respects, where alcohol's been involved, I have been strangely insane. It's strong language, but isn't it true? Now look at the next sentence. We're on page 38, right? Some of you are thinking, yeah, what you tell me is true, but it doesn't fully apply. I admit I have some of these symptoms, but I haven't gone to the extreme you fellows did, nor am I likely to, for I understand myself so well after what you've told me, such things can't happen again. I haven't lost everything in life through drinking. I don't intend to thank you for the information. Goes on to say that may be true of non-alcoholic people who though drinking foolishly and heavily at the time are able to stop or moderate because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as ours were. Our brains and our bodies are different and have been damaged and no human power can heal it or treat it. Now squiggly lines, uh-oh, I will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. Now the next drunk I really like, he's Fred. He's a high-bottom drunk. You know what I love about Fred? Fred, the day he picks up a drink, his life's perfect. He owns his own business. He's a happily married man. He has kids of promising college age. He's well thought of in the business community. He's high-bottom drunk, still has a wristwatch, home, cars, all that kind of stuff, right? He's not like the crazy jaywalker, okay? And they talk about seeing Fred and he went to a hospital. He had to rest his nerves, right, God forbid he tell anyone he was in there for alcohol. fred made up his mind to quit drinking altogether it never occurred to fred perhaps he could not do so in spite of his character and understanding fred would not believe himself an alcoholic much less accept a spiritual remedy for his problem so they told fred what they knew of alcoholism he was interested conceded he had some of the symptoms but he was a long way from admitting he could do nothing about it himself. He was positive his experience plus the knowledge he'd acquired would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self-knowledge would fix it. Well, they didn't hear from Fred for a while. Then they got a call. He was laying flat on his back. And he goes down and says, I rather appreciate your ideas about the insanity which precedes the first drink. But he talks about it couldn't happen to him. page 41 he talks about it was the end of a perfect day not a cloud in the horizon okay he went to his hotel leisurely dressed for dinner as he crossed the threshold of the dining room the thought came to mind it'd be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner that's all so he begins to have cocktails he gets drunk goes on a bender bottom of page 41 those of you who've been sober for a while look at this one I now remember what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied if I had an alcoholic mind that time and place would come, I would drink again. Two of the members of Alcoholics Anonymous came to see me. They grinned, which I didn't like so much, and asked me if I thought myself an alcoholic if I really licked this time. I had to concede both propositions. Next paragraph. Then they outlined the spiritual answer in the program of action, which a hundred of them had followed successfully. Bottom of the page, quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all of my problems. That's a powerful promise. He says I've since been brought into a way of living infinitely more satisfying and I hope more useful than the life I lived before. Fred's story speaks for itself. We hope it strikes home to thousands like him. He had felt only the first nip of the ringer. Most alcoholics have to be pretty badly mangled before they commence to solve their problems. Bottom paragraph, page 43, sums up the first 43 pages. Here's how to read it. Once more, Mark at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither Mark nor any other human being can provide such a defense. Mark's defense must come from a higher power. Now, turn to page 44, we agnostics, and we're going to look. We've looked basically at the first half of the first step. I'm powerless over alcohol physically when it's in me because I have an allergy, a breakout, and craving. And I'm powerless over alcohol before the drink. I've lost power, choice, control, no mental defense. I have An Obsession of the Mind. so chapter four we agnostic says in the preceding chapters you've learned something of alcoholism we hope we made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic now here's the test to see if you got the body in mind one sentence sums up the first 43 pages if when i honestly want to i find i can't quit entirely meaning can i stay stopped or if when drinking i have little control over the amount i take i'm probably an alcoholic write these words down in your book need want choice right necessary and desire and here's the two questions if you want to resolve this issue of am i an alcoholic like an addict or both or whatever, here's what you do. Here's the first question. Once I take a drink or once I put dope in my body, once it's in my Body, can I stop drinking or doing the dope based on need, want, choice, what's right, what's necessary and a desire? And my answer for both alcohol and dope is no. When I take and drink alcohol, Once it's in my body, can I stop drinking based on a need? No. A want? No Choice? No Because it's right? No Because it is necessary right? Because of the desire? No I'm physically allergic craving with both alcohol and dope Now, second part. Once I'm stopped, no booze, no dope in me, can I stay stopped based on, now this is me and alcohol, need? No. Want? No choice. No. What's right? No, what's necessary? No desire. No, no, me and dope. When I don't have dope in my body and I'm stopped, can I stay stopped based on need? Yes. Want? Yes. Choosing? Yes. Right? Yes. Necessary? Desire? I am an alcoholic who's powerless over drugs because I do not have the obsession of the mind around drugs. I want to address that issue. I told you, alcoholism and drug addiction are not the same. You need to look at that. Do I fit both parts for being an alcoholic and drug addict? Another example. Take 30 alcoholics, put them in a cabin. I'm sorry, take 30 people, put him in a cab. Feed him booze for 30 straight days. There's a scientific experiment to prove whether or not there's alcoholics or not. It's real simple. Ask them. Any of you who would like to leave, leave. 27 of them will run out the door. Three of them will want a 10-year lease because they're an alcoholic, because they got craving of the body. Now, take those three and take booze away from them for a couple days and they're going to go through some withdrawals, aren't they? And now feed them booze again and it's going to activate craving, isn't it? Right? Now, tak e 30 people, put them in the cabin, feed them heroin for 30 days. At the end of 30 days, they're all going to be hooked on heroin, aren't they? Take heroin away from them for a day. They're going to go through withdrawals, right? Give them heroin. The craving goes away, doesn't it? Wow, that's different. Never thought about that. Never thought About that. You see what I'm saying? There's a difference. Alcoholism and drug addiction are not the same, but use the same criteria. When I take a drink and it's in my body or when I put dope, can I control the amount based on want, need, desire, what's right, what is necessary? If the answer is no to both of those, you have craving of the body around alcohol and dope. Now go to the other side. Once I am sober and clean, can i stay away from alcohol and do based on need, want, choice, desire what's necessary and what's ripe? Now, around dope I could, not around alcohol. I am an alcoholic who's powerless over drugs. Now I have my truth, now I can continue on through the work. I do not go to closed meetings of N.A., because I am not an addict, that's why. I can go to open meetings of M.A. but not closed. So, I need to find out. I've helped all kinds of people find their truth in there. I know some addicts who say, I'm an addict who's powerless over alcohol. What does that mean? That means when they drink alcohol, they know they're eventually going to get back to dope again. That's what it means. And I know all kinds of alcoholics who know the same thing about them and dope. But I've got to find out my truth. Now, if that's your truth, here's what is says. If that's the case, meaning I have a craving of the body, obsession of the mind, I may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. We already went through an exercise of eliminating everything other than the spiritual experience, didn't we? So I'm at a place of the only thing left is the spiritual experiment. Goes on to talk about the atheist or agnostic, says such an experience seems impossible, but to continue as he is means disaster, especially if he's an alcoholic of a hopeless variety. This next sentence is interesting. To be doomed to an alcoholic death, step one, or to live on a spiritual basis are not easy attorneys to face. You know why it says that? None of you in here have the power to do either one. You're all alive, so obviously you can't even kill yourself dying an alcoholic deaf, can you? You certainly don't have thepower to liveon a spiritualbasis. That's why the book says they are noteasyalternitiestoface. Goes on to say it's not so difficult. Bottom paragraph. Now I'm going to start to get introduced to the second half of the first step, this thing about unmanageability and the idea of what's really wrong with me. If a mere code of morals or better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, I would have recovered long ago. But I found such codes and philosophies did not save me no matter how much I tried. I could wish to be moral. I could wish to be philosophically comforted. In fact, I could will these things with all my might, but the needed power wasn't there. My human resources, as marshaled by my will, were not sufficient. They failed me utterly. Lack of power, that's my dilemma. I had to find a power greater. I hadto find apower by which I could live, and it's got to be a powergreater than me. Obviously, where and how are we to find this power? Highlight the word where and now. Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find the power of great in yourself which will solve your problem. And then if you turn to page 52 a minute, that's that middle paragraph. The big book calls them bedevilments. This is the paragraph that speaks to me of unmanageability, untreated alcoholism, and the spirituality. And I submit to you that they are all internal, they are not external. Let me give you an example. The alcoholic mind says, Mark, how can you say problems in personal relationships is all internal and has to do with my relationship with God? Because every relationship I have with every other human being depends entirely on my relationship with God. That's why. Your actions have nothing to do with me. Never have, never will. When I am right with God, your actions do not impact my life. The closer I get to God, the less trouble I have in personal relationships. Let me explain something. We are so selfish and so self-centered that we think everyone's actions are always about us. the greatest example is if someone we love dies we get angry and we get sad and do you know why because I am so selfish and self-centered I still want them in my life even though they've just been embraced by the light personal relationships are internal not external if I'm right with God and I'm wrong if I am right with myself My personal relationships are fantastic. Think about this. Your emotional nature says, I can't control my emotional nature in here, right? Think about it. Let's say your emotional nature, maybe you got extreme pain because she left me. We'll show you an inventory you drove her away, but let's say that's going on. We've all done that, right, we've been in a lot of pain. If you had any power, you could say with your mind, I don't like the way I'm feeling. Please go away. Can you do that? No. How about this? You're unhappy. Can you will yourself happy with your mine? No. You're full of fear. Can you wail the fear to go away? It's all internal and it's all a manifestation of spiritual malady. I've got to find a power to help me with all that stuff and to take away restless, irritable, discontent, fear, and tension. Lack of power is my whole dilemma. That's why we drink. I want you to look at something. When booze and dope worked, read this same paragraph on page 52 and you'll understand why we drank. When boozed worked, did I have trouble in personal relationships? Not really because I didn't care. When booze and drug worked, did I have a hard time controlling emotional nature? No, I felt great. Again, keep in mind when it worked. When boozo and dope worked, was I afraid of misery and depression? No,I felt great When booza and dope work, did i have problems making a living? No,i didn't care When boozandoe work,did i have a feeling of useless? Of course not Was i full of fear? No Was i unhappy? No Could i help other people? Yeah,i could help them all But then the dilemma is, booze and dope quit working. It treated what was wrong with me, my spirituality, for a long, long time. This is a manifestation of your spirituality. I'll submit this to you because I've done it with over 200 people. I'll sit down and start doing the work with some alcoholic who's in a marriage, living in a town, going to this AA group, working at this job, and when we start to work, they hate it all. They want to get out of the marriage, quit the job and lo and behold, within about 90 days they love the wife, they love the job, they Love the town food even tastes great. What happened? Nothing happened out there. What happened was ideas emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding force of their life get cast to one side and a whole new set of concepts and motives begins to dominate their thinking. externally nothing changes absolutely nothing it's all about my personal relationship with God and booze and dope treated that for years and years and years and when I come in the AA that's why elimination of alcohol is but a beginning the elimination now calls not the problem the disease of the mind and body we've looked at so far or symptoms this is the problem this is is the problem and no human power can treat it this is not in the book but i want to share it because i think it's interesting i'm reading a quote the other day from a man this man has worked with alcoholics for about 40 years he says his experience working with thousands of them is we suffer from being disconnected from our creator at a deeper level than any other group of people he's ever seen. And I read that and I thought, my God, that makes sense. That makes sense to me. We are disconnected from our relationship with God. We sought it through alcohol, spirits. It turned on us. It quit working. We come in, which is why the elimination of alcohol won't work. You and I must take some action that gives us that relationship to God. And I read to you about that 37-year-old man who had deep religious beliefs. I'll submit something to you. Deep religious beliefs is insufficient for an alcoholic and an addict to recover. We must gain access to and then come to believe in. It works different. We muss gain access too. We read this man. He was known for deep religious beliefs. I've shared this before. I sponsored three men and four men in the club. I still find it interesting. What I am is a hopeless, helpless, burned-out alcoholic and I have men who are preaching in front of congregations coming to me saying, I'm preaching and I'm doing dope and I're hurting people I love and I feel like I'm living a lie and a sham. Will you show me how you gain access to this God that you talk about all the time, and then I can sense and feel in you? Yeah, I'd be glad to. I do these crazy things called the steps. I admit I have no power, and my life's unmanageable to be given more power than I know what to do with, and the only way I can keep it is to give it away. He looks at me and says, what the hell are you talking about? The world of the spirit is not a theory. We have to live it. It is a paradox. None of it makes sense. Common sense becomes uncommon sense. I think what we're going to do is stop there tonight. We have gone up through all the first step. We have looked at the craving of the body, we've looked at The Obsession of the Mind, and we've look at what's really wrong with us. The unmanageability, the spirituality, untreated alcoholism. We've looked at the idea that no human power can treat that. We looked at The Circle and The Triangle. Maybe some of you saw some truth in there about have you really been an AA or have you not? And we looked at Dr.'s opinion, the table of contents. We know where to find the various steps in the work. And I'll have you think about something as we come in tomorrow and move through the rest of the process. One of the reasons I took as much time as I did is just what I told you. The big book spends 53 pages looking at the first half of the first step because that's the foundation on the whole program. I go through the rest of the work based on desperation because my experience shows that I'm a helpless, hopeless alcoholic who has a disease of mind, body, and spirit. No human power can help me. The other thing that happens through the work, when I got done with the first Step, it opened the door to the second. I was raised a Methodist, became a Catholic, went to Vietnam, became an atheist. When I saw the helplessness and hopelessness in my first step, I became very excited and open about finding this thing you all call God. If I've never seen the truth in my First Step, then I'm on a bolt. If you're ever in an AA meeting and hear someone say, I'm struggling with the Second Step, they just lied to you. They've never looked at the First. We're not stupid people. if through a process of elimination I have a disease of mind, body, spirit no human power can help me I'll run you over with a mack truck to find God so will you if you know what's wrong with you a God of your understanding a God that will work for you so that's what we're going to pick up tomorrow we're gonna go through the second step look at the third step I'm gonna give you some instructions on inventory I'm going to make one quick comment about inventory. How many of you in here have used inventory forms other than what's in the big book? Raise your hands. Several of you. The next time somebody approaches you with some inventory other than what is in the Big Book, there is one question to ask them. Here's the question. If I do the inventory that you are about to give me, which is not in the big book. Here's my question. Are there a set of seven promises that I will be given if I use your inventory that you know have shown up in the lives of millions of people? If they can't answer that, tell them to take it and put it where the sun don't shine. Because when we do the inventory out of the big book, these three inventories, there are seven promises. We are absolutely guaranteed, and I can show you thousands of people who those promises come true. Here is what they are. I can be alone at perfect peace and ease. My fears fall from me. I can look the world in the eye. The drink problem has disappeared. I'll feel I'm on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the universe. I will know God better. Take those other inventories, which I believe have a human thumbprint on them, and ask those people that question. I'm going to show you how to write inventories as this big book shows, a book I think written by divine inspiration, and what I want to submit to you if you're willing to do that, you can get those same promises in your life. But the next time someone wants to give you another nifty inventory, ask them the question, can you show me the set of promises that will show up in my life and the lives of millions of others if I do inventory on this form? No, I can't. Well, then give it to, no, matter of fact, don't. Just give it to them in Al-Anon, for God's sakes. I don't know. I'll end on one quick Al-A-Non joke. I I don't know if there's any of you in here. Al-Anon's out on the golf course one day and she's golfing and she hits her ball in the green and a little leprechaun comes up and says to her, I'm going to give you three wishes. But he said along with that, he said, you've got to understand something. Everything you get, your husband gets too. And she said, oh, that's okay. I'll go along with it. He said, okay, what's the first wish? She said, well, he says, I want to shoot 72 in terms of golf. And he says, okay, but you've got to understand, your husband gets ten times more of that. She said, okay. That's fine. So he said, I'll grant that wish. What's your second wish? She said well, she said I want a million dollars. He said, Okay. You understand your husband gives ten million. She said yeah. What's you third wish? She said I wanted a tiny little heart attack. I love you all. Let's close. I'm an alcoholic. Welcome, Saturday morning, 9 o'clock. Look around the room and you will see we've had some drop-off. That always happens. Every time I've done one of these, and I want to talk about that a minute. My experience with that is we've all heard for a lot of years that the truth will set you free but there's a statement in front of that that they don't tell you and that is that it's going to piss you off first and it's gonna make you uncomfortable I have reached a point in my relationship with God that I don't care how uncomfortable it gets and I don' t care how angry I get I'm willing to face that truth because in so doing I wind up getting closer to God but there are some people who are not and that's why there is drop off that's about prejudice I also learned something else when I hear truth and I get uncomfortable and that uncomfortable may manifest in several ways it may show up as anger it may shows up as pain today I thank God for that and I make sure I am there the next day because I want to grow so you know I said before that we've reached a place in Alcoholics Anonymous where