The Turning Point Between Surrender and Suffering – Lori P.

It's going now? All right. It is so good to see everyone this morning. Welcome. And thank you so much for having me here, having us here. I'm Lori Proctor. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Lori. Hey. And this, let me see if I have my copy of the handout. And this actually, I had decided to call it the directions and considerations of page 58 and 59 in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, which as a lot of you probably know, that is the first page of, first page and a couple of pages of the book. And it has a couple of paragraphs of how it works in the big book. You hear it at the beginning of every Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. And just to give you a little bit of a back story with me, my sobriety date is August 8th of 2008. And I, I'm a real alcoholic. Which means that I, I'm a real alcoholic. I absolutely, beyond question, had to have a spiritual experience for any hope for, to, to have any relief for my alcoholic condition. That was it. I, I couldn't do it on my own, completely powerless. And nothing of, of human, human power could relieve my alcoholic condition. Had to have it. Had to have it. Had to have a spiritual experience. And I found that in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, along with the fellowship. And one of the things that I tried, I tried for a year and a half, a year and a half prior to me coming to a recovery community, I had tried desperately, knowing that I could not, I could not drink. That was just it. I knew that I had to stop on my own. I, that, I knew, I knew I had to stop. But I, like many alcoholics, I wanted to do it my way. Because I know me. All right. I, I, I know I need to quit. But I want to do it my way. So for a year and a half, I tried desperately to figure out how to do it my way. And this didn't work out. And it didn't work out over and over and over. And this didn't work out. And it didn't work out over and over again. And it was disastrous. But I, I kept doing it. And, and it was, it ended repetitively with pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization in a vicious cycle for, for a year and a half. I'm talking about every, every six weeks. It just was like, it was like a clockwork vicious cycle. And, and finally, my enablers at the time, I was living with my parents. And they were like, they just finally, you know, I had, I had come to a conclusion about a month before. Like I said, my, my sobriety date is 2008. About, I don't know, three weeks before that. I had said, you know what? I, I'm going to live an alcoholic life and die an alcoholic death. I was meant to drink. And I felt wonderful about that decision. I really did. I, I was fine with that. So I just commenced to drink. And that landed me in the ER. I think my blood alcohol was like .45. It was, it was ridiculous. And I had to sober up to get to death. And I had to sober up to get to death. And I had to sober up to get to death. But there was no reason I didn't get to detox. And when I got to detox, they said you need to be in a long term recovery community. And, like, you need to be around the clock in a place that, I mean, and it wasn't, it wasn't impatient to the fact that I was in lockdown or anything. But you need to be in a place where you are, you're living surrounded by people that are recovering. In supervisor. supervised environment you know work you know everything needs to be recovery around you for a long time before you're introduced back into society I was lucky enough that this place believed in the big book from the gate when I walked in I was given a big book while given this big book in detox but that wasn't a new thing for me I had lots of big books I had lots of white chips and that wasn't new but this time was different because at this point I was out of ideas I truly was I mean I'm pretty crafty and I was out of tricks you know I didn't know what to do I am as as Chuck Chamberlain puts it I had failed as a drunk and failed as a drunk and so I get into this recovery community and I was just like I got nothing you know I don't know what to do and so I was given a big book and that first night I met this young woman and she walked in with I I was sitting there in a daze you know just this is this is my life and I wasn't I wasn't downtrodden I was just like I said I was in a daze just kind of taking it in and she walked in the door and she had a light a light about her I mean she was glowing and for the first time I didn't look at her as I had so many people in the room of a a that had that glow about them I didn't look at her like I wanted to kill her I actually she looked like an angel when she walked through the door of the room of the room you know and and she was like oh you're new and she embraced me and and you know she and I I I, then I sat and talked to her and I told her my story my plight you know and and she listened lovingly and and then she told me about hers and she also had had a really a really rough a rough time and no she didn't she was happy and I remember I talking to her and and the the glove that was that was that was coming from her was just remarkable. And I asked her, and I don't know how things would be different today if I hadn't had truly inquired within with all my heart, how did you get from there to here? Because she was a resident. She was my roommate, my new roommate. And she said, it's in here. It's in here. It happens on this property. You'll find a fellowship in this property and in this program, and you'll come into contact with a power that will help you. And I believed her. I don't know why. I probably had heard something similar from other people at some point, but for the first time, I was willing. I really wanted to know, and I was really willing to hear, and I believed. So one of the first things, I was assigned a sponsor, and one of the first things at this recovery community was that we had to look at the steps before the steps. Never heard of it, and in the meetings that I had gone to before, of course, I really wasn't willing to hear anything about AA. Like I said, I'd always wanted to do this by myself, didn't really care anything, hadn't gotten into the book, didn't wanted to do this on my way. So this is the first time I've been willing to do anything. But I had heard the how it works at the beginning of the meetings, which always to me just meant when they started reading it, it just meant the long one. So I was just like, this is it was a totally new thing. You know, it was the steps before the steps. And so this this was the directions that were in how it works. And the first thing I was told to do was take out the action words in this. And I was told specifically what those were in there. And you'll find on your sheet that what they told me to do was go through. And they told me what specific word those were thoroughly, completely honestly, where that's not really an action word, but just certain words in there, certain words that I needed to take a dictionary and look up. Now, when I was making this sheet for y'all, I got a one of those directions from God that you get. But sometime where he was like, yeah, you need to look these words up again. So I looked them up for y'all and put them on the sheet for y'all. So you'll see beside and in parentheses, I look these words for free. Also, you'll see thoroughly and in parentheses, I actually put the definition for y'all. So I did did some actual. Did some some instructed discipline. Yeah, God likes to give me discipline sometimes. I do now, too, as I go along. So anyway, so what I'm going to do is it's really a new way and to kind of look at those how it works. And so now what I do is when I'm working with sponsors, or I'm sorry, sponsors, this is something that I also have them do, because these are the directions that I believe I what worked for me and my. And I'm going to do that. And in my experience was you need to look at these directions before you're even ready to look at the steps. You need to consider them. You need to look within yourself and see if these are things that you're even willing to do, willing to consider, investigate within yourself, search deep within some of the things you need to ask people that are farther along the path. And and and inquire about. out. So and also one thing that I'm going to speak about today too is these are things that I also address now in my sobriety and have improved my conscious contact with God with still going back to them on a daily basis and we'll talk about that too as I go along. Also one of the things that I did is I recently have been reading New Pair of Glasses by Chuck Chamberlain if anybody's familiar with that and he talks about them. Yay! I was so excited because I thought any link where I get the recovery community that I got sober at in Sumter, South Carolina. I thought they made this up. So I was really tickled. You know how like when your sponsor tells you something and you're like, I don't know what to do. I'm going to go to the hospital. I'm going to go to the hospital. I'm going to go to the hospital. I'm going to go to the or somebody telling you something or you're here in a meeting and you're like, wow, that's awesome. And you think they made it up. But then you realize that it's been around for a long time. So I read, I read, he actually talked about a lot in New Pair of Glasses. So and he actually calls it, he says, he refers to as 452 pitches that Bill presents in the big books Alcoholics Anonymous in pages 58 and the first two paragraphs in 59. Now I don't know how he came up with 452 pitches. I only have like what 15 things written down here. So I would love to talk to Chuck about this. We would have had a great conversation. But anyway, so I'll be I'll be quoting him a few times as we go through this. And like I said, it's in a new pair of glasses is the book if you want to if you want to read about that yourself in there. But so we'll just go to 58. And my lovely assistant and husband Christian Proctor is going to read the sentences. And then we'll discuss as we go along. From how it works in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Now rarely, rarely have we seen. This is something that Chuck speaks of in a new pair of glasses. And Chuck actually knew Bill Wilson. And he said, as some of you may know, who read the book or maybe heard Chuck's talk that he actually talked to Bill Wilson about this and that Bill Wilson intentionally put rarely as opposed to never because of the fact that he knew that he put never. And there that us as alcoholics would have focused so much on the never that we would have been determined to be like, you know, just bullheaded about it and have said, I'm I can I'll show you, you know, I'm I'll be one of those ones that can't follow the path. We would have just focused on the never. So that's why he put rarely. So it was a very intentional thing that Bill put rarely. So we're just going to that's just a point that I want to put down that because. I remember at one point hearing a speaker say, I don't know where he got it from, but he had said he had said that Bill had said that if there's one word he would change, it would be. If I could change a word, it would be never, never has there been a person. But Chuck says that he actually spoke with Bill. So I just wanted to clear that up. For those who had not read new pair of glasses. OK, now setting that aside. The direction in this is thoroughly followed our path. Now, my sponsor encouraged me. First of all, the direction in thoroughly is exhaustively and completely thoroughly, thoroughly follow our path. It's very little wiggle room in that. Thoroughly follow the path thoroughly follow our path. And again, it's speaking of those who have recovered, recovered, not recovering, but recovered from a thoroughly recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, as it states in the doctor's opinion. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. I remember my sponsor asking me, she, one of the first questions she asked me was what do you think our path means? And I said, well, I would think it's the 12 steps. And she said, yeah, well, that's not not wrong. But, um, I want you to ask around. You know, she never gave me easy way out. My sponsor never did. She's like, I want you to ask around. I want you to think about it. I want you to sit with it. What is our path? you know so I did and I heard I'm you know it's the two-sided coin it's the fellowship and the program because you can't have one without the other you can't just have program and you can't just have fellowship and I've I've found in my experience when I've just been working the program and I haven't had the fellowship I've been very empty and when I've just been with the fellowship and I haven't been working my program I've gotten very skewed over in that sense too so our path is a mixture of both and so that being being the first and again with the thoroughly is very important in that so I'm going on those who do not recover people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest themselves so just to make a quick reference of the cannot or will not not that's not the direction in it but can not or will not is something that um you know you all have people every every now and then they'll want to focus on maybe maybe i'm a can not well you know that's really what i found is that's really them just uh you know trying very hard to almost always it's a will not you know can not is something that that i that i can't answer for them mostly i found will nots but the direction in here is completely completely entirely absolutely so we already had thoroughly with exhaustively completely completely entirely absolutely give themselves to this simple program and it is a simple program but it requires a drastic commitment and that's why the previous 57 pages have spoken almost exclusively about step one and that's you and you know step step one and step two being the you know step one we well we have doctors opinion we have um bill's story there's a solution more about alcoholism and we agnostics and in all of that you know they're they're just talking to us over and over again about how you know we are how our mind is constantly we are dealing with the such such a serious disease that is constantly trying to tell us that we don't have a disease and that we have an obsession of the mind coupled with a physical allergy that wants to destroy us you know and how it's just it's been such it's such a large period such as such a dramatic part of our lives and it's just it's been such a such a large period such as such a dramatic part of the book trying to tell us this and that we must give ourselves to this simple program and it is a drastic commitment and that we have to give ourselves completely to it go ahead Christian incapable of being honest with themselves so it says the the ones of us that cannot give ourselves completely to this simple program we have to be honest with ourselves and we have to be honest with ourselves now this all right honest with yourselves and this perhaps is the most difficult thing in the beginning when we're very ill with our when we're very ill with our disease and going back to doctors opinion dr. silver it says that the sensation is so elusive that while they admit it's in general they're not serious they cannot caretier beyond themselves because of being a sober which reducing their blood cared enough that once they do somewhat their longer stage of addiction and know among o thing they can now McGeague under for better or because they believe in yours and theirs in this case if over thousand wykind loro they are presently the same let all this ал this word over tower car ofоеpoints into the it that it says it is against the law until when is theler true to the stride even if the medicine and the epidemics for biliary because it's exactly what we meat ask anywhere else design the heart of what is said any treating of the patient whose soul and the Deutscheasted s honest with yourself is is the most challenging in my opinion the facet of this I remember at the very beginning I was sitting I was sitting in one of the in one of the lectures and my sponsor was was lecturing and she said how many people were honest today and I went like that how many people are honest all day long and with and I was I was absolutely from the bottom of my heart me I was and you know I'm just thinking I spoke honestly you know I did I really think that it came out I was honest and I guess a few other people in the room instead done that as well she was like aren't you a bunch of saints and I was just like I'm not gonna say that but I was like I'm not gonna say that but I'm I'm not gonna say that but I'm not gonna say that but I'm not gonna say that but like oh my god and she just and she was like I you know I didn't mean to be ugly but I and here she is and she's 18 years sober she said I work on my honesty every day and I was like maybe I have something to think about here and honesty with yourself and particularly in the beginning It's so skewed in our head. Everything has been turned upside down, and everything in my mind had been flipped to correspond to what I needed to do to make drinking make sense, to make my crazy, insane way of life make sense. So to make my reality make sense really made everything upside down. So that normality made the differentiation from the true and the false very different. It was very difficult. And what I came to see was that as I started to dry out and started to be presented with being honest with yourself, it's very confusing to start looking at yourself and being like, what is that? What is this really? At first I just didn't know. You know? So, there are a lot of things that I've felt like I should have done. So, I started to go, what am I supposed to do? And when I was coming from that point, I was like, you know, I'm just not sure what to do, what am I supposed to do with this? And at first I just didn't know. So when I was coming from that point, I started to look at myself, and I started to think about what I should do. And it was like, I started to think about what am I supposed to do? when you don't know just saying I don't know and as the inventory process and so at the beginning you know just saying I don't know and then we and we're talking about the steps for the steps at the beginning and when you're working with spot C's and when you're looking at this stuff in the beginning with the steps for the steps it's talking about being honest with you know why are you you know why did why did you do why you know did you really yeah a lot of times one of the biggest lies is I was only hurting me you know I I I I I I drunk because of you you were the one that made me do this you know these things now the honesty that I deal with the dishonesty that I deal with today is what I'm doing inventory and resentments and I'm looking back with you know I'm doing my inventories today and I have to be honest with my own self you know said this is this is what I'm going I still deal with honesty on an everyday basis just as far as how honest am I being what is my truth you know so this is honest honest with yourself is something that is so paramount just in general and I love it with spots these are like oh I'm honest that's one thing I am I am honest and I'm like honest does it just mean that you don't have a filter on your mouth you know that doesn't just mean that you can say whatever you want to say and just like hurt people's feelings for no reason at all and I'm like I'm just like being honest I'm putting myself out of thisinci informative my consumerism with honesty and friendliness and a kind of a absorbence to have an honest you know get everything I want to Congrakäts artist that you easy to understand so just kidding whatever now whatever That's not okay now Ican say but I added here six nos to Plaza damage yeah I actually have a new outlook on naturally incapable. This is very recent. I used to have, and this is very recent, I don't even, I hadn't even really shared this with you. I am, I used to feel like naturally incapable was so, so rare that naturally incapable really dealt with very much the sociopath, that you were only naturally incapable if you really had, that something was, that you really, that you had something psychologically, sociologically wrong with you was the only way that you could be naturally incapable. I dismissed it as somebody that said, I'm naturally incapable of being honest with myself. And I said, if you actually even ponder the question that you're naturally incapable of being honest with yourself, then you're not naturally incapable of being honest with yourself. I actually dismissed the question, and that was arrogant of me. It was. I recently had a spot seeing, and we got through a fourth and fifth, and she was as honest as she could be. I do believe that, I do. But she could not, well, we got fourth, fifth, and, you know, she did a six, seven with what she had to work with, and, you know, she was very, very honest with herself. You know, she got very stuck with eight, very stuck. And then the resentments immediately started to come up again, and so we went back to address the tools that we had learned in four and five. And she couldn't, she could not, she could not use them. She just, she didn't have it with her. She just, she didn't have it with her. She just couldn't, she didn't have it, she couldn't do it. And so I, and I had gone through this with her. I had gone through the steps for the steps. And I, so I'm sitting there and I'm like, you know, and of course my ego, you know, is going, okay, what did I do wrong? You know, of course it's my fault, you know. Why am I not getting this girl sober? You know, the crazy things that go on through the, through my mind. And, and I'm, and you know, and I'm not saying what this girl is or isn't. The fact is I don't know if she's naturally incapable or not. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. But it is something with preparing this that made me take pause. And the fact is, is maybe she's naturally incapable right now to be honest with herself, you know. Because I felt she was as honest as she was. Because I felt she was as honest as she was. Because I felt she was as honest as she was. Because I felt she was as honest as she was. Because I felt she was as honest as she could be with her fourth and fifth right now, you know. But she's at a stopping place. I mean, she's naturally incapable. She's naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living or a way of life which demands rigorous honesty. You know, and that, you know, that, this sentence really caused me pause to re-look my position. Because I had a very strong position on naturally incapable. I really did, you know. And I've re-addressed, I've re-looked at that. I don't know. So naturally incapable, I looked at it as naturally incapable forever, you know, and so maybe she's just naturally incapable right now. The fact is there's so much I don't know and I know less all the time. So anyway. But demands, grasping and developing implies time in itself, at least the developing part. Manner of living, a way of life which demands rigorous and rigorous being very strict and rigid honesty. So we're, you know, grasping, developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. They're not. They're not. So there are those who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. So capacity to be honest, and I have an analogy with this. Capacity, which capacity is the power of receiving and containing. But I like looking at this analogy with this. If anybody's ever had a chest cold, which most of us have, or pneumonia or something like that where our lungs get full of fluid. we can't breathe in very deep. You know, we have a very small capacity for oxygen. Everybody kind of relate with that, or bronchitis or something to that effect, where you can't breathe in very much, and you have a very small capacity for oxygen. And then as you get well, as you start getting well, you can breathe deeper, and you get more capacity for oxygen as you get well. So when we come into the program, we come into AA, and we start to get well, we start to grow a greater capacity for honesty as we start to get well. So as we get well in AA, in the program, and the fellowship, we grow a greater capacity for honesty. Sweet. Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps. Okay, so never had, you know, kind of surprised me when I was asked, but sponsored a lot of guys with me and said, so what do we have? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, you know, I, and she was like, wow, I was like a freedom. You know, you have, you have a light. And she was like, and again, she never let me off that easy. She was like, no, I want you to ask around. You know, because again, I was in a, you know, there are a lot of recovered people. You know, ask around. Look at people. Talk to people. What do they have that you want? What do we have? What do you want? Because if you don't want it, you're not going to, you're not going to try and get something you don't want. You know, you're not going to, if you're, if you're going in, I'm, I'm going to ask a lot from you, Lori. I'm going to ask you to do a lot of things. You're not going to do what I ask you to do if you don't want what I have. So what do I have? You know, and that's just something that is for each person to ask themselves. And that you can ask your sponsor if you wish, if you choose. So seven. Okay. So, and then at that point, you know, at that point I'd already done quite a bit of things. And but, you know, at this point and how it works. My experience was. I had already been doing service work. I, I'd already gone through quite a bit of the book. I've been taking a lot of directions. Been going to meetings. I had, you know, there, I've been doing a lot. So my question that I was asked was, and that I asked my sponsors is, have you been going to any link thus far? You know, because the question is, are you. Willing to go to any link? So have you been going to any link? You know, because. Have you been going to any link thus far? Because if not, you know, what's the problem? You know, because where are we going to go from here if you haven't been going there up to now? You know, if it kind of coincides with what do we have that you want? Because obviously. Maybe not obviously, but either something that we had that you don't want or something that you don't see, we just need to dig further because. Um. Have you been going to any length if you already have great because we're getting ready to dive into the deep end of the pool? Um, are you willing to go to any length because any link is a big deal? Right. And. Yeah. You know, this was suggested to me and I loved it. Any length. It's it's not so much the link for me as an alcoholic and what I found of the alcoholics that I know and I know a lot of them. I've been a lot. It's not the link with alcoholics because a lot of times I found in my experience is that alcoholics have a fair amount of endurance. You know, we can. We can. We can put up with a lot. The length that endurance can muster, you know, that alcoholic can muster. We can. We can. We can go through a lot. It's the any. It's the unknown. It's the whatever. You know, so any length. Okay. So then it says. Then you're ready to take certain steps. So I love the way the book suggests. So the book suggests. So at this point, the way it's read is. All right. We've gone through the book so far. Now, we agnostic leaves us off at. All right. And this is the way that that I perceive that it's left us off that. All right. So. You need to let go of old ideas. Particularly, you know, you're. Your old ideas didn't work. The God idea did. You're a real alcoholic. You know, you need a spiritual experience. You've got an obsession of the mind, physical allergy. And what are you going to do about it? Flip the page. Here's how it works. And then we've gotten to this thing about the honesty with yourselves. Completely giving yourselves to the simple program. Be honest. With yourselves. Be willing to go to any length. And then it says, now you're ready to take certain steps. But then it's like, but we're not going to tell you what they are yet. Because it just might blow your mind. We are going to tell you some of the mistakes that we've made. Or more specifically, we're going to caution you and we're going to really make some very. Clear observations of what you need to do before we go into it further. Now, at some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. And this is a written, a written plea, I feel out of their own experience. How many? And I guess you can raise your hands if you want to. A lot of people don't like the big. Raise your hand thing. But how many people tried this and half measured it? They were not fearless and thorough from the very start. Who is? I mean, who goes into it like gung ho? I had tried AA the first. I had tried AA once before. And I was just kind of hoping that. It would just sort of do it. Osmosis like, you know, like I could just. I really am not even sure what step I was on when I quit. I really don't know. It was like somewhere. I was somewhere in six, seven, eight. I'm not really even sure. I know I had rocks in my pocket at some point. I was supposed to throw them. I mean, I really wasn't even sure what was going on. I was just doing AA. I don't. I don't even know what was going on. So I was so. I was so not invested in it. And so they're saying be fearless and thorough from the very start. At the very least, you're just going to be wasting your time. At the worst, you're going to relapse and die. Or hurt yourself and hurt others more. How much you hurt them, who knows? Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil. And so we let go. Absolutely. This is such a big one. And what I some of us have tried to try to hold on to our old ideas. Old ideas is something that they speak of so much in we agnostics. And actually, one of the first times that they talk about it that I love is when they talk about Fred on page forty forty two and more more about alcoholism. And I don't know if I remember Fred's story, but he's like. He's the guy that walked across the threshold. Not a day and not a day. Not a cloud in the horizon. And like Fred's a great guy. Everybody loves him. Not a cloud in the horizon. And and then all of a sudden he like these couple of highballs are great. And then he ends up like wherever in Washington or New York or something. And and he ends up in. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. He ends up with to members alcoholic l alcohol Squad остав Akommen are over his bed. And they start. Talking to him about alcoholics, anonymous and. You know he's finally able to hear hear them and he says the program action though entirely sensible was pretty drastic. It meant I would have to drop. I would have to throw several life. Worker. conceptions out the window. So it's the first time that I really remember hearing it and 42 at the bottom of the page. And it says a couple of things we've already said here, but the program of action though entirely sensible was pretty drastic and meant I would have to throw several lifelong conceptions out the window. That was not easy. But the moment I made up my mind to get through the process, I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be. And it speaks a lot about it and we agnostic about old ideas. And, you know, I also I remember, you know, what before I was told to flip the page to go to how it works. You know, my sponsor said nothing new can happen in the land of the known. You've got to throw out your old ideas. And liberate your thinking before you go into chapter five. So I combined in in number 10, I combined the let go absolutely with your old ideas. So let go absolutely, definitely completely of your old ideas. You know, one of my old ideas that I had to let go of, was, was the fact that I relapse every time I tried to quit, I relapsed. Why wouldn't I relapse this time? You know, every time I tried to try to quit drinking, I was going to relapse. That's an old idea. So when I tried to get sober this time, I still had that old idea. This is going to fail, this is going to fail. This is going to fail. I had to let go of that old idea, or I wasn't going to get sober. You know, I had to let go of that. I also had to let go of the old idea that I, I will do anything that you asked me to do as long as I know why I'm doing it. You know, it's like I because I that was one of the things. You know, it's with a sponsor, a sponsor is going to tell you to do stuff that you don't know why they're asking you to do it. And it's like I had to let go of the old idea that I had to understand what was going on. Why is this happening? What's going on? How is this going to get me sober? I had to let go of that idea. I have no idea how to get sober. You know, I had to let go of that old idea. So you have to let go of so many old ideas. You have to let go absolutely old ideas. And these are these are the this is how it works. And then it says, remember that we deal with alcoholism, cunning, baffling and powerful. And Christian, I actually I wrote it says in the book, remember that we deal with alcohol, I put in ism and I was told by my sponsor to put in ism. Remember that we deal with alcoholism, cunning, baffling and powerful. So it's sneaky. And it's tricky. And it's got way more power than I do. And you know what? I forget that all the time. I still forget that I still forget how powerful alcoholism is. I still forget it. I don't know why I will still forget it. And, you know, and I constantly remind my sponsors of it. I don't know why I don't remind my sponsors every day, because I get to remind them of it. And so I get to remind me of it. You know, thank God for sponsorship. And also, I was told to substitute alcoholism with my thinking, because that my the problem centers in my mind. So remember that I deal with my thinking, you know, remember that I deal with my thinking, the problem centers in my mind. Without help, it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power that one is God may find him now. May you find him now. God is right here right now. You don't have to do the steps to find God. God's with us all the time. And you know, I, I deal with, you know, I came into this program with, with a, with a very good concept of God, good as in, I didn't feel like he was going to strike me dead. I didn't have a fire brimstone God. I didn't have a I, the God that I grew up with, and I didn't have a fire brimstone. And I was like, well, he could have been that one. That was I felt like he would that he was forgiving that he it was just all powerful, good giving, loving God. I had never had a connection with that God there. I had been taught that he existed. My father was a minister, and I have been taught ever since I can remember that I never had a connection with that God. I believed my father. I did. I believed him with all my heart. I had no connection with the God that he spoke of. And I had no anger at this God, really. So I really didn't. I really wasn't mad. I just didn't have a connection with him. But what I did believe, though, was that there was a power. I did believe there was a power. And when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I understood that my power had, that my alcoholism, had more power than I did. It had more power than me physically. It had more power than me mentally. And it had more power than me spiritually. So it had more power than me. But I knew that my alcoholism did not run the entire life. It had more power than my entire universe. So there had to be a power bigger than my alcoholism. You know? It had, there was, there had to be a higher power. So I needed, I had a higher power. I had God. But I needed a highest power. I needed that highest power. I needed the power that was higher than my alcoholism. So that's what I had to attach onto. And that was what I needed to get connected with. The God that I believed in, but the God that I didn't have a conscious connection in. Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. So at that point, and they speak about it on page 53 before we've even gotten to 58. And we agnostics. On page 53. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. It says I loved you or I enjoyed you. And I showed up screaming, I've got to ask you a few more questions. Because I don't know what it was like in that day to say that I shouldn't have borne that down or that hurt to this day. And it was like the word went off in my fancy脚 these days and it didn't fit my tools the way it sold to me. I felt like you got to the 후라이� Maim formal. Most of those get whenever someone calls without response I did you know why? Because they worshiped the proof of truth. reference that they have a we agnostics and on 13 it says we stood at the turning point and we can only stand for so long surrender or suffer and and this is something that and you can only stand there you can only stand for so long and this still comes up for me and when I'm spiritually unsettled I'm not so much resting on my laurels sometimes it feels like but I'm standing at some kind of turning point is God everything or is God nothing and this will this will come this will come about whenever whenever there's some kind of I'm dealing with some kind of point in my life where I'm relying on me you and I'm not relying on God I'm trying to find the answers within or the reant the answers from my husband or trying to get my job to do what my job wants me to do or my boss to do what my boss wants me to do or trying to just fix the world with this crazy brain or whatever and I'm not relying on God and I'm on myων jealousy higher palette so I have to come up with a pattern here you go I'm now it that remove from this here that you can see some sense in a very personally got to that the tenderness this yeah we could fix the problem we can fix that problem right I mean we could do that Wijo ok recovery and at this point with these and this is and these are just the directions that are pulled out and you can find different things and and I just made this worksheet so that you can look at it for yourself and I think these are really cool considerations to take and look at before you start the 12 steps and thank you for your attention does anybody have any kind of comments that they want to share anything about any of this all right I appreciate you I think you did an awesome job thank you oh thank you I appreciate it I'm gonna take like a 10 minute break and come back and I'm just gonna do a real quick workshop we're gonna be run a little bit tight on time but I'm gonna have you all out of here by 1115 so you don't have to rush to try to get the lunch and do all your everything you want to do you