The Truth That Keeps a Newcomer From the Nut House – Tom F.

I did attend Dale Carnegie. I did. I failed. That will become obvious, and there's an old Greek philosophy that often in the interest of what we call politeness truth suffers so if you want to make the trade to be popular that's your business of course my business is I'm going to share the truth as I see it I would love to be able to tell you how it is at one time I was smart enough to do that. I am no longer that smart. I'm Tom Flynn, I'm an alcoholic. And my home group is the same as Gina's, the Harbor City Speakers Meeting in downtown Baltimore, right near a public market and we have wet trunks in our meeting. Ours is a full service AA meeting. if you come to our meeting it looks like a UN bus broke down in front of the meeting that's what it looks likes Bill and Ann have always been there I really want to thank Ann and Gina for a beautiful way a personal way and the courage with which these ladies presented themselves it takes courage we know that I salute you thank you the topic that has been selected for me is love and service with your permission I'm a bit critical of our service structure in Alcoholics Anonymous but no alcoholic has a right to criticize AA I think or any of our positions or habits without offering a solution. Without offering a solution. I want to touch on that very lightly, or you may see it as being heavy. It just depends on how much weight you give to it. I am an alcoholic. I I am sober through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, good sponsorship, and a God, I thought, who wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. That is what I'm sober through. I've been surrounded by joyful, happy people since I have got here. And I have stayed around those people since i've been with you. I do not hook up with a lot of vexious people who have a lot of petty problems that consume most of their petty lives there's enough of them to go around to satisfy their own desires they don't need me you can see them in most meetings back by the door I call them the fire marshals that is if the building was to burst suddenly into flames they would guide the rest of us to safety and I'm sure that's the reason they're there I used to sit with them back there and criticize the speaker too that's how I know what's going on back there having been a member of the fire marshal group so when I got a sponsor he said the sick ones sit up front I immediately knew he was talking to me And I've been sitting up front ever since, and I've never been in a fire either. So I guess that's okay. Now, in the history of mankind, it is not unusual for principles to operate in various societies, including Alcoholics Anonymous. We are not an organization. We are a fellowship or we're a society. but organization we are not often in societies the form will eventually take precedence over content that's what happens all societies have to be cautious of the form, taking precedence over substance. Substance, yeah. Substance. Yeah. Got tea in there, right? That's what this is about. Now let's make it real clear. AA has one primary purpose and one primary service. One alcoholic, you. talking to another alcoholic, me for one purpose to lower my sense of difference enough to take some steps I don't believe in to take some steps I don' t understand how can you do these things if you don' T believe in them and you don't understand them you must be willing through desperation to follow a person who has already done them. So intellect is not needed in the recovery process. It is needed in The Excuse Process to say why you cannot get sober, of course. But it is not needed in the Recovery Process. so if you're in the midst like I was when I got here they said I was in the midst of an intellectual seizure paralyzed by fear of making a mistake and I talked to my sponsor he says how long did you drink Tom? 27 years he says it's a little late to worry about a mistake and he was right I've been living a mistake for 27 years, and all of a sudden I'm going to be like the driven snow, you know. Yeah, right. So that's the only service we have. Now, there are groups and structures within AA which are designed to support that primary service. to support it, not to be a substitute for it. And there's where I draw the difference. Say, I'm in service. You see them. They've got folders and papers. What the hell is this? What are you, a service to Washington or some crazy thing? A whole bunch of papers. Paperwork. Paper don't work. what language is this these people talk you know i don't know what the hell that crap is our service is to carry the message to the alcoholic so therefore me when i come i have got to develop a message through the practice of the steps to prayer and meditation and then i'm not allowed to stay in front of a mirror to see what a wonderful job i've done I got to go get a new guy right away. I see guys with six-place cars coming to meetings. Every time, I'm grateful. No, you ain't. You're relieved that the damn pain stopped. You ain't grateful. How do you know I'm not grateful? Where's your G-man? What's a G- man? Gratitude man. Gratitudes and action work. If you're grateful, you've got a new man with you. I call him a G man. That's all. Just for short of it. Let me see what you're doing. Where's your G-woman? You grateful? Who of us having this terrific good news? There is life without booze. An abundant life without boos. Who, having had that experience and that message, would want to keep it a secret? Why? You're bursting with the joy. It has to come out. That's what I'm talking about. That's what these gals are giving, enthusiasm. Of course she's cool but she's enthusiastic. I know Amtrak Annie. I won't tell you why we call her AirTrak but maybe if you eat, I'll tell you after the meeting. They aren't perfect. I know them. If you girls want to take driving lessons on how to drive railroad tracks. You see, Annie. She will show you how to do it safely. That's our message. Now, is there anything to substantiate those opinions? I've given you opinions. That's all. Only my opinion. But my opinion is somewhat experienced. I've been with you guys since 1980. And I sponsored a couple of guys, you know. So I have some experience with those things. What's the point, Tom? The point is that a lot of you experienced people when people say, well, I'm in a service position. It doesn't affect you. But how about the new person coming through the door? They believe the only type of service we have is some committee meeting or a district meeting. Now, I guess Virginia has better ones than Maryland. I assume they do. I pray you do. I've been to some of the meetings in Maryland where they have an hour discussion whether or not the next flyer should be on a letter size stationary or legal size stationary. Now,I think that's overdoing it a tad. I don't call that service I call that big shot-ism going to be my way or no way time consuming it's wrong it's not AA I don' t know what it is let some sociologist figure it out but it ain't AA that's what I know it ain' t one alcoholic talking to another for the sole purpose of recovery we're going to send out a perfect a perfect flyer to a bunch of imperfect people wow that makes a lot of sense doesn't it what the hell is this get off the boat this is crazy here's another thing I want to talk briefly on sponsorship which in my opinion is the greatest form of service AA produces weak sponsorship is terrible oh I don't want to tell him that not to hurt his feelings people have been lying to him all his life but he's been lying back to him that's the reason he's in a nut house for your efficiency and if you don't tell him the truth you may as well take the next bed why would you leave you're as goofy as him you're not helping him my sponsor told me the truth he says I'd rather stand on your toes than step on your grave I understood what that meant you were the weaknesses in sponsorship we don't move our people into the steps quickly enough when a man or woman comes to me and the blowtorch is on their butt. That is, they're willing to do anything. They get into steps now. Why? Because it's easier to move wet concrete. Don't let us set up. Now you need a jackhammer. Weak sponsorship. Weak in the interest of popularity. That's not a spiritual concept. Moses wasn't popular he was up here on the top doing a job on the top deck and the guys down there were making jewelry we all know what happened to Christ what happened to they run him out of Mecca he had escaped out of Medina don't worry about popularity you know it's not important it means a lot of people agree with you that's all that's what popularity means how about the years ago when everybody believed that the earth was flat they all agreed they were all wrong just because a lot of people believe something it doesn't have any idea anything to do with the quality of the idea it has to do with the masses of acceptance nothing to do with the quality of the idea, with the truth in it. What do we suggest? That's where I start off. Stronger sponsorship. Did you ever, in Maryland, my God, they're going to have a workshop. I love that word, workshop. You have people come there with thick glasses, clipboards, Jesus Christ. Get out of school, will you? You were failing when you were there too. This is not something to study. You know? Your navel is something to study. If you want to sit in the pack and look down at yourself, you know, look at your navel. I call that the runco group. The Royal Order of Navel Contemplators they sit back and yeah come on co-group there's things to do our big book repeats it over and over the value of action it doesn't say here are the steps we studied it doesn'T say here are the stepS we understood here arethe steps we agreed with here are steps we took. Ignorant or informed, in agreement or disagreement, understanding or not understanding, we did them. That's what it says. Here are the steps we took. That service, when you provide that to your new person, with the response I come to please reason. I know all this crap because I made all the errors. Oh Oh, Wally, shouldn't I wait for the fog to lift? I didn't want to do the steps. He says, you've got to do the steps just to lift the fog. He didn't buy into that. And I did the steps, and later I did them unfogged. You can do it more than once. It's okay, it's okay. It's like brushing your teeth. Sure, brush your teeth good, but do it again tomorrow. It's okay. It's that simple. This is what we do. Strong sponsorship. God-inspired sponsorship. God-inspired. Sam Shoemaker gives us directions for sponsorship. I love Sam Shoemaker. I knew his wife, Helen. She was a classy gal. Sam was a classy guy, but he never outshone Helen when it comes to class. I knew Helen. I knew her secretary too. Helen's father was a senator from New Jersey, Smith. What was his name? Alexander Smith. She was a thoroughbred. Helen Shoemaker. Classy gal. What did he say? Sam, the husband. When you see the man with the problem, put his hand in the hand of him who has all the answers. Go home. Do not stick around and play God. That's how we sponsor. You gradually let your person become God-reliant and remind your pigeon that you have feet of clay, as my sponsor has done more than 100 times to me. and as I've told men I sponsor and there's one two three it's about four or five I don't know here oh there's once hi Al they generally sit in a group in case you gotta throw something at me go home don't play God Is how we're approaching service today working? No. No. Will it change unless we examine it? No, it's just like us. What do we have to examine? Why is it when we have these so-called workshops on traditions in Maryland, hardly anybody shows up? Why is that? Did you ever ask yourself why? Did you ever say, well they're not interested in traditions? Bull! What do you think the problem is old bastard? I'll tell you what I think it is. We take these tremendous traditions and we present them in the dullest possible fashion possible. Dull, dull, dull. Who wants to sit through three hours of dullity? But some moron up there wants to get finished and go cut his grass. Get him the hell out of here too. that's us we do this when I say we that includes me representing life-saving life-enriching principles by dull people who think this is something to study that kind of people take a beautiful rose or take a scalpel and cut it all apart and explain it to you. But it looks like a pile of garbage when I'm done with it. It's your fault, my fault. Let's put it where it belongs. Let's don't do this workshop business or workshop. I'm going to work. I was working on myself. I was workin' on my marriage and I got divorced. I was worked on my job and I get fired. I was working on my retirement plan and I went broke. I was workin' on my intelligent understanding and I wound up in a big hospital with no knob on my side of the door. And it was no architectural oversight either. So forget about working on it. God solves the problem. If God solves the problem, there's nothing for me to work on. He won't solve it unless I give it to him. Why didn't you solve this years ago? You wouldn't let go, Tom. You were busy. You had the busies. You wouldn'T let go. You didn't trust me. You asked for me to remove it, but you fixed it yourself. Now that I have endeared myself after all, you have been participating in service. But I've offered some solutions, which gives me the license then to express my opinion if I offer an alternative. Let's have things like this where traditions are put forth by interesting people. hey there's our good idea right you got some experience with the traditions you got some experience are you happy about it yeah I really like the traditions unity means everything to me man before I got here I was all crapped up AA was in good shape I was in terrible shape unity is important for me I'm in terrible shape, AA is in good shape. They don't need me. I needed you. That's your first tradition, unity. It's interesting. It's not boring by people who experience it. What do we present? We present the traditions like some son of a gun doing a travelogue, for Christ's sake. Why don't you get a native of let's live there with them. Travel though. We have to improve ourselves from within and we do this by openly criticizing ourselves of which I am one of ourselves, right? You agree to that? on one of ourselves. This is what we have to do. We start with our basic service. Where are we flawed in passing this message on? Why do so many people come here and leave? There's no problem at the front door of Alcoholics Anonymous. There's a problem at back door. We don't hook them while they're here. How do you hook them? By attraction, walk into an AA meeting. I was about four days out of the nuthouse. Some guy celebrating five years of pride. He wasn't praying, you know. Yeah, he says, I'm five years sober. Life sucks. I'm hanging in there. My wife is a bitch. My boss is a jerk. And I'm the only good driver in Virginia. And if you want what I have, I'll three days out of the nut house and I don't want that bum ass. there ain't no hope I didn't come here five years to learn how to be a professional pitcher get off it that's the problem no hope we started meeting six years ago in South Baltimore near a live market with wet trunks in there and all that bull we got no parking lot none got no air conditioning none street lighting is poor directions are terrible I think last Thursday night we had 153 people in there a lot of them were from Pennsylvania and a lot from Virginia some from Delaware and a couple from New Jersey why is that? attraction there certainly isn't our exclusive parking lot which is none this is my experience we have a fantastic message of not only saving a man and a woman's life but increasing the quality of living wow and then we have the wonderful gift to pass this on to God's other kids My God, the churches would give half of their stuff they got tax exempt to get rid of to be able to do this. What do you think the great universities would give and the great hospitals? There's a lot of good medical people. What would they give to have what was given to us? They would give up their diploma? Sure they would. And their 401Ks? Sure they wouldn't. What are we doing with it? Are you a faithful trustee for the gift? Am I a faithful trustee for the gift? Or do you have the busies? Oh, you don't know how busy I am, Tom. I saw you when it came out of the nuthouse. You didn't seem too busy to me. Don't let the things AA give you get in the way of your A.A. recovery. No, you're a son of a bitch, ain't you, Tom? Yeah, but if I ever stab you, you'll be in the chest. Tom, I don't think that you're qualified to talk about love. Let me tell you. one of the greatest expressions of love it's like gratitude you got a G man and love is similar to that but greater one ofthe greatest expressions of love and a wise man said this greater love than this no man or woman has than they lay down their life for their friend now most of the shallow type things that are taught we believe it's taking a bullet for a friend that's a lot of crap that's what's taught that's garbage the truth of the matter is this if you're busy and a woman calls you for help and what you're doing is very important to you and your family you may have to lay down your life and go help her and you may have to do that more than once a bullet you take once but love requires laying down your life time and time again to help someone that you're able to help that is the expression of love it's a continuous ongoing thing that's how I see the big book touches on it in the chapter 7 the first two sentences of chapter 7 how many people why do we have poor sponsorship you sit in a meeting how many of us have heard this kind of garbage yeah my life is going down but I've been going to 19 meetings a day and I'm doing all and nothing's changing and I'm doing a little voodoo on the side. All I do is run a show on candles. Practical experience has shown that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with others. Intensive, not when I have time. and just because I missed a point, they hit me again. I love AA because they make it clear. I love clarity. They make it clearer. This works when other 19 meetings a day. Activities fail. In case you missed it. Now we're back to service again, ain't we? Working with others. Intense laying down your life. that is what love's about love's not a warm cuddly feeling that's affection I love her I'll just let that slide it's such a beautiful crowd but I think there may be hardening of the arteries in the wrong place That's what I'm going to say. This is an honest, forthright program. What is love? Love is a conscious extension of oneself. Ah. You mean getting out of yourself? That's exactly what I mean. conscious it don't mean I was swept off my feet love is a conscious extension of oneself for the purpose it's got a purpose too you mean it's nothing to do with moon no that's hallmark conscious extension of oneself for the purpose of enriching one's own or another spiritual growth I love that for love did you ever go when you were a kid and talk to parents and say what's the difference between love between me and my brothers and me and some woman well that's two different kinds of love How about a parent? That's another kind of love. How about between me and God? Oh, that's another kind of Love. Love is all fractured all over the damn place, right? Love is a conscious extension of oneself for the purpose of enriching one's own or another spiritual growth. It describes the Love between me, and my brothers, and sisters, and me, in a woman, and me in God. I love it because it encompasses all those activities which represent Love in its various forms. the Greeks have five different words for love they've got it fine tuned down some languages have three or four words for love we just have one that's okay as long as we expand on it there's something that I love the best I've ever read allow me please to read it to you it talks about accomplishments and all those things hence the wisdom of the ages it's older than the age if I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels but do not have love I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal and if I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge and if i have all faith so as to remove mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions and if I hand over my body so I may boast but do NOT have love I gain nothing. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. it does not insist on its own way it is not irritable or resentful it does NOT rejoice in wrongdoings but rejoices in the truth it bears all things believes all things hopes all things endures all things love never ends but as for prophecies they will come to an end as for tongues they will cease as for knowledge it will come to an end who we know only in part and we prophesy only in part but when the complete comes the partial will come to an when I was a child I spoke like a child I thought like a child I reasoned like a child but when I became an adult I put an end to childish ways for now we see in a mirror dimly but then we will see face to face now I know only in part then I will know fully even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope and love abide. These three and the greatest of all these is love. That's what love is. It's exactly that. I cannot do these things and avoid service. The service I have described, one alcoholic working with another alcoholic to give the life-saving, life enriching, soul enriching experience. That is what love and service is about. It is not the only thing that what love and service is about. But in my experience, it is the first thing or the primal thing. There are many other ways to support this to happen. You know, many ways. But this is the thing that must happen in order for love to occur. The perfect willingness to give everything away everything in total trust that he who loves you ultimately will take care of whatever you have to have not what I have to want but what I have to half that's all it's very simple and that's what we are all about here an alcoholic's anonymous love. Tolerance for others. People do a lot of things that, well, there's a lot of unreasonable people in AA. They won't do things my way. Hey. God has many faces. like you look at you I let it just say it's the great reality within you look at all the faces I'm looking at and I see the faces of God God has many faces how obvious do you want it I'm look at him look around at you you can see that God has many face many ages many genders I had the privilege one time to talk to Mother Teresa. There's a house in Baltimore. I never told you guys that. They got some people who were terminally ill with this HIV business, and a real old girl from Virginia was a trained nurse, real smart. She would go over and help those people. But she needed some guy dumb that could carry boxes, you know. She recognized my talent. And I would go over and do that kind of stuff there. So when Mother Teresa's several years came to Baltimore, her nuns were there too, and she came here for that reason to renew their vows. That's the reason she was here. So Virginia said, Tom, I want you to meet Teresa. She knew her. so she took me up to this house on Carlton Avenue, Baltimore where I'd been there many times and I asked her Teresa what's the toughest thing you ever had to do she thought well she said the toughest things is to recognize God in his most disgusting disguises did that back me off like something that could have hit me in the chest and backed me back three feet and I says Flynn you better watch out for your arrogance you better start recognizing God in many various forms that's love those nuns working with the sickest of the sick and the poorest of the poor and the hopeless of the hopeless and they're there and they treat them like they're princes that's love can you do less are you less talented or are you too busy what's got you so damn busy money property your prestige you've had that before did it fill the hole of course not Why? You think it's going to change? Don't think so. The willingness to let go without knowing the outcome is love. I got to know how it's gonna turn out. No, you don't. You always got to him who knows how it is going to turn out You don't have to memorize the library, just get a damn library card. You can do that, can't you? That's love. Looking at the man in the meeting standing by himself before you leave. I know you got some friends you want to bullshit with after the meeting. So do I. I'm as guilty as you. I ain't pointing no fingers at you. I'm pointing fingers at us. I'm part of you. I'm a part of the we in this room. How about looking for the guy that looks like he's lost or the woman who's ashamed, a woman alcoholic, the special shame they feel? Yeah, gray-haired guys know about that. They're supposed to talk about it, but this one does. let her know she's not alone let her know the other women have done what she had done and that has never been a barrier between them and God here's some good news that's love to love has many faces doesn't it And so do you. So do you You're the outward expression of God When I was drinking, God talked to me directly Oh yes He used to say some funny things But as I got sober He seemed to use you To talk to me He doesn't talk to you He doesn' t talk to us directly anymore So if I want to hear God I've got to come hear you, don't I? or go get drunk again, maybe he'll talk to me some more. But I don't think I can take another one of them. Another one of those delusions. So I've touched as best I could, and I was as gentle as I could be. I told you I failed Dale Carnegie. But this is what I feel about service. I think those who are now in service should go to their committees and if you had certain feelings or similar to my feelings speak up speak up and ask them why are our meetings dull why are they not attended by the people who are working with the newcomers you go to these committee meetings and you know the guys and the girls in your area who are in the trenches with the new comers you don't see a lot of them at those committee meetings you see some but not a whole lot They're too far out of the trenches. You don't have a big book here, do you? Who's got a big book? Is that a fourth edition? Let me show you what happens when you're too far out of the trenches. We need a big book. We've got to make this today's language. Let me tell you 2,000 years ago it was dark at night later in the morning ice was cold fire was hot water was wet it was then and it is now their principles this book is written on principles say alcoholism has not changed human nature has not changed only the words have changed but not the intent of the heart so don't get too far out of the trenches because you cannot hear the heart. But this old bastard, I'll tell you when I read it. There you go. Lovely. This was written by various committees and finally approved by those in quote service on a national level. Our literature has preserved the integrity of the AA message. Yes, that's true. Sweeping changes in society as a whole are reflected in new customs and practices within the fellowship. Bullshit. It's true? Taking advantage of technological advances, for example, AA members with computers can participate in meetings online. That's like dancing with your sister, ain't it? What are these morons doing? Sharing with fellow alcoholics across the country or around the world. Fundamentally, though, the difference between an electronic meeting and a home group around the corner is only one of format. Have you ever heard such stilted bullshit in your life? Now this was written by service people! They don't have a damn thing I want! they have been too long out of the trenches the trench is one alcoholic work with a new alcoholic that's where the trench is they're too long in the headquarters tent back on the firing line that's where love is and where there's love there's service thank you