The Truth Is True Until a New Truth Is Discovered – Peter M.

This meeting is for two hours. Peter M will be sharing on the sacred journey for 50 minutes, followed by a 30-minute Q&A. Peter has spoken at the Broken Elevators first, second, and now today for the third anniversary meeting. Peter, thank you for saying yes to God and to Alcoholics Anonymous. We always love having you with us, and we truly appreciate you. At this time, please help me give a warm welcome to Peter M from Boca Raton, Florida, His home group is Alcoholics and God. Welcome, Peter. Well, thank you so much. And after that introduction by Jimmy, let's close with the Lord's Prayer and end the meeting, and I'll get out safe. Thank you so Much. Thank you So Much. My name is Peter Recovered Alcoholic, and grateful to be alive and sober in part of a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you to the group for the invitation and having me back uh more than a couple of times uh you guys allowed me to celebrate my 35th birthday out here and it was it was wonderful so uh the trusted servants would keep uh the window open uh for us here and uh you know Jimmy and Freddie I mean these guys are brothers to me I think Jimmy said it best I'm not gonna uh piggyback off of what he said it was done so so beautifully and And his lovely wife, Maribeth, has been like a sister to me. So these relationships, I mean, they might happen out there for civilians. It never happened for me out there. But they happen in here, in the sacred rooms called Alcoholics Anonymous. I met my wife. I mean I was invited to a town called Bellingham, Washington. I didn't even never heard of it. And I went out there to speak at a group anniversary and I came home with the wife. I mean, Alcoholics Anonymous is incredible what goes on in here. So it was, you know, and the cool thing, there's certain qualities that kind of strike my soul in people, when all the folks we meet. And my wife did that. It was completely different than anyone I've ever met, and it was right. And Jimmy and Freddie and Maribeth, the same thing. I mean, we're neighborhood folks, but there's just something. There's a different walk about them that resonates deep in the soul, and you can't really describe that. It's like trying to describe love. We use certain adjectives to say what our idea of love is, but it really doesn't encapsulate the feeling and how this operates in our life. We just go with it and be a part of it and experience it. It's one of the abundant blessings of God. He gives us so much, but my wife always tells me, much is given and much is expected. So he brings me into this way of life, but I need to go to work. On page 102, it says our job is to place ourselves where we can be of maximum helpfulness to others. I get to AA and I'm given my orders, my walking papers, and the place where I'm going to be maximum helpful. It starts with the meetings called Alcoholics Anonymous. And it trickles out into all my affairs. And also to receive help, my sponsor calls are pitching and catching. I need to be in an AA meeting. And so the way I'm speaking, and you guys are kind enough to listen today, you'll have a speaker tomorrow, and I'll be listening. And that's just the way this thing works. And it's just, you know, listen to the intro notes. And, you Know, we don't endorse outside stuff. We're not involved with anything outside of alcoholics. And you have no opinion on anything. We don't take money. I mean, a businessman would say, how do you guys survive? I mean, this is you people are Looney Tunes, but we know that. Step one told us that. But it's God's pillows that keep us up, God's hands that keep uns up. Because if anyone who never heard of AA and took a look at how we operate, and what we do inside the halls of AA, and took a look at our traditions, they would say this is a snowball's chance in hell to survive. It won't get past the starting line and yet with God Almighty are we healthy and strong and we get to do this. As we know COVID hit and when they closed us down, me I tend to sometimes look at the glass half empty as that's it. AA is over. It's all over. What are we going to do? And in 20 minutes, we had a Zoom meeting. And this first time on Zoom, it was like watching the Brady Bunch after dropping a tab of acid. I mean, all these faces and all these windows, and it was new to me. And there was something up, I think in Toronto was the first one I jumped on. I had 500 people, as I think will be okay. So I'm glad to be here. June 23rd, 1988 is when a loving God separated me from alcohol. I do have a home group, Alcoholics and God, and I have a sponsor. In fact, Jimmy and I share the same sponsor, Bob Zahn out of Minnesota. And I sponsor a whole bunch of men. And my whole life is centered, or I should say in the center of Alcoholics Anonymous as God sees fit. And it has always been that way since I walked in. haven't been perfect. I have fell on my knees a whole bunch of times and had a whole bunch of wounds, made tons of mistakes, but for somehow some reason God keeps me in the saddle and very much in the center of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know what? I learned a couple of things over the years. There's something that goes, the truth is true until we discover a new truth. And very often God pulls back the layers of the onion and presents a new proof. And you know, one of the things I had to take a look at in early sobriety is I went to God to keep me sober. Am I looking elsewhere to keep Me happy? Because the freedom I'm seeking is not for Me, but from Me. And these were things I had learn little by slowly over time, that if I'm willing and obedient, I will eat the good things of the land, Scripture says. And that is to travel light in this journey, to have healthier relationships, to have a purpose-driven life, to have direction. And these are all the things I got mostly in the work God allows me to do in 10 and 11 and waking up. Now, I can tell you how hard I've worked for 35 years, but it's kind of a lie. I mean, we say Joe's worked hard, Mary's worked hot, but really, how can I boast for what has been given to me. You know, I can't. Quite frankly, when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I've shared this a bunch of times. It's quite funny now. After seven treatment centers, I didn't even know who Bill and Bob was. I knew nothing about the 12 steps. They gave me a big book in treatment. It collected dust. I didn'T even know what a 12 and 12 was. And the traditions were like, you know, for basically written in Latin. As far as I was concerned, what does this have to do with me? And when I got, pardon me, to AA in 1988, I'm clueless. And I look back on it now, it was the best thing. The eraser board had no marks on it. There was no previous knowledge of previous experiences and God was able to create on this clean eraser board what he wanted. And there were times when I would wrestle with it, but I didn't come into AA with any kind of preconceived ideas or old experiences or judgments or ideas, attitudes and emotions as to what they're supposed to look like because I don't have a clue. And all I kept seeing was weeks turned into months and months turned into another year. And my life little by slowly, I was traveling lighter. And there's a reason for that. God. Period. And what alcoholics allowed me to do was put my hand in God's hand and have a trust and dependence upon this God, even though at the beginning I really wasn't sure. I'm a cradle Catholic, so I knew who I was praying to. I just wasn't short if he was listening to me, if he were even interested in my life. Today I can tell you I'm convinced of a God being out there. We put different labels on it. We have different religions. Thank God we stood out of that arena. but we all pray. And, you know, John's going up the hill one way, Mary's going up the Hill another way and Bill's going to help the hill another way. And we can fight each other on how we're getting up there until we get there and we'll find out we're worshiping all the same God anyway. So that's the great thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. But this this power has done for me what I couldn't do for myself. And I have this trust and belief in faith in this God. I ask God every morning to come into my heart. I ask out every morning, I believe, please help me with my unbelief because I have a flawed character. It's called the human condition and it's broken and flawed in its doubts and it has skepticism and has all of it. And even though I have God that I understand, I'll never understand how God completely works. I'll know that when I cross over. So it's a long, long way from where I began in June of 88, my first sober day, which I didn't plan on happening to me. I was resigned to die in a hallway, quite frankly. I tried to take my life for a short time earlier in some abandoned building in a town called Staten Island, New York. Some fleabag motel. because i didn't have the will to live anymore the pain of this thing called alcoholism was that great and i was still after seven treatment centers under the delusion that if i stopped drinking everything would be okay i didn t know alcoholism does not come in a bottle of whiskey i didn' t know that my alcoholism gets to life by taking mine little by slowly it devours me and anyone who comes in my direction and my path like family members it takes them too so this journey that i embark on in 1988 started when what really felt like of all the pain i experienced due to alcoholism drinking alcohol and all the pain i experienced as a little boy with my mom committing suicide and and some uh being sexually molested is the best way I could put it as a little boy and having a dad, I was terrified of and just getting bullied in school, put all that together. It didn't experience it. This is what's so ironic. The pain I experienced on June 23rd, 1988, right before God surrenders me because on that particular day, I'm laying in this abandoned building hallway, and it was over. And I didn't know what I was going to do. I knew the drink is not working. I'm not escaping me. I can't get away from me anymore. That's why I said earlier, freedom I'm seeking is not for me. I mean, I don't want to give anything to this guy called self. He needs to be starved to death, and I need to feed the soul. The freedom I'm seeking is from me because that's the troublemaker and here I am in this hallway and I don't know what to do. I'm in a free fall. There were no rungs to grab onto like a wife or kids or money or a career or a trusted friend, nothing. I m homeless, I m a bum and I m in this free fall, I come to in the back of this toe and I need to drink desperately. It wasn't like I think I'll drink today, is I need a drink just to stop the shaking, but that's all it would do. It Wasn't even shutting down the noise in the head at this point. And I can't get away from the aha moment, the realization as I look around, and what I was in, I couldn't see really clearly until June 23rd, is that I live in the back of an abandoned building. I'm filthy. The hallway's filthy. I haven't eaten. I haven't showered in, I don't know how long. Suddenly, I'm paying close attention to the fact on how frail I am. I was skinny by 130 pounds back then. If you do the math, I am about 205 right now. So I'm like 70-75 pounds less than I weigh down. I had that newcomer look, the sunken cheek and the sunken eyes and the bags under the eyes and the whole nine i had it all going on and i i got real scared because i realized that i was urinating blood i never paid attention to it until this particular day says oh my god i'm dying and i don't know where to go or who to turn to i don' t know how to call i have zero money and i have the strength to go out and hustle up money to get a pint get the pint down and figure out how i'm going to quit drinking after I drink, and how I'm going to get my life together. I don't know what to do. It was awfully painful. You know, when we talk about that moment at the bottom, whether it's Park Avenue or Park Bench, we use words like abandoned and lonely and afraid and things like that. But if we put all of those adjectives together, they really don't describe the moment we were in. They just don't. I could tell you, I felt so alone and so much physical pain, some emotional pain, panic. But that doesn't really describe that moment. And I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but that bottom is an attention getter. And it's God reaching out throwing another life wrap to truly get my attention. And he did. And there was met with, oh my God, I'm going to die. But I became teachable. Alcohol beats us into a state of reasonableness. Yeah. I was negotiable for a moment and I'm listening because I'm out of options. Somebody throw an option. I got to get something. And the only thing I could do is pray to God to take me from this hallway, from this pain, because I don't want to die up until that point i welcomed the idea of dying if i just go away and it's not so painful if i can just die go away because this whole thing has been a mistake until this point and i remember uh i didn't want to die and you know i look we often said we live life only understand that that will to live now of of that piece of hope coming in was truly god because i didn't have it before that In order to embark on the journey, this ego has to get crushed, even for a moment. The self has to die for a momento, and it creates this little vacuum, this vacancy where God's light can really get in there, and it kind of gets our attention. And I wasn't thinking, and I swear to you, I wasn'T thinking, well, I'm going to go to detox, and then go to treatment, and then I'll go to AA, and dann I'll do the steps, and have a sponsor, I'll get a service commitment, I'll learn the traditions, concepts and steps by Monday morning and I'll be Moses on Tuesday and everything's going to just be really groovy. But none of that was happening. I don't want to die. What do you got? I'll take it. And to a series of circumstances on that day, I got into my seven treatment center. God sent a rescue person. It was in the form of my dad to pick me up out of the street, and I got into my separate treatment center. So it's a long way from there to where I am this afternoon. It was a long ways from my first drink at 14 years old to an abandoned hallway in an abandoned building in 1988. Pick up a drink at 13, 14 years later, I'm in this condition. what a rapid decline. I mean, how did I get there? You know, look, and I've heard enough of your stories. Our first drink for almost all of us is empowering. It's enlightening. It's euphoric. It did for us what we can't do for ourselves. We're part of life at last. It became a panacea of everything. I totally get all of that because it happened to me. But it boomerangs and cuts us to ribbons, as Bill says, because in 1988, I'm in serious shape. And I know two friends out here, their story is really well. Jimmy and Freddie, they know exactly what I'm talking about because it's exactly what happened to them. I mean, and we can probably all identify whether it's Park Avenue or Park Bench, all hope is gone. What do I do? and after seven treatment centers you know AA would bring their meetings in via HNI and they knew AA was a cult I'm not signing up for those people they go to hospitals and talk on a Saturday night they need to get a life and I know some of them are drunk or high so I that doesn't work I'm now going back to my religious community because that doesn'T work I can't go to a therapist because I have no job, no money and no insurance. So, you know, what do we do? And God removed everything because the only place I could turn to God's infinite wisdom is removed all options and put me in front of him. He's the only piece to go to. And I'm not too sure about this, God, if he even cares about me. But I had to hold on and got into my seven treatment center. When I picked up a drink at 14 years old, I was really torn up on the inside. My head raced in 100 different directions. I was a really good musician and I got lots of accolades. I was 14 and playing with guys in bands who were professionals 25 and 30 and older. I was the protege, the neighbor, but I'm not embellishing, that's just the way it was. But I was so insecure about myself. I was afraid to take a stand for myself, so I got bullied a lot. I got beat up a lot until I took enough pain and hit back one day. And my dad's quite the opposite. My dad is the alpha male, and I was on the opposite side of the spectrum there. And I wore long hair, andI looked like a little girl because I had long hair. And I didn't have this tough-looking face, soI got beatup a lot, but when I played music, everything was okay. But the music only lasted so long, and I'm Facebook doing life on life's terms. I was molested from ages 8 to 10. I got this horrible secret I'm walking around with. I'm petrified of my dad. My mom's gone, and that really don't know what to do with myself. That doesn't cause me to become an alcoholic, but there are pieces of trauma that went into my mix. that same kid at 14 years old walked into AA at 28 physically sober and what I learned the hard way because the truth is true until they discover new truth that being physically sober is a good thing but it doesn't mean it's the thing it's not the thing that's going to get me rocketed into this other dimension of existence it's Not Going To Bring Me Freedom From Me It Just Means I'm physically sober and there's hope because when I walked into AA at 28 years old, I'm still the 14-year-old kid except I'm walking around in a 28-year old body. What do I do? See my mind, even currently my mind is ego will create an environment, a climate to get me to believe that I'm separate from a power which I can never be separate from And once I start to believe that and stop recognizing that I can't be separate from God, I am now prey to page 52. And when I'm in that place of feeling alone and abandoned and I'm acting out, temptations become really more tempting. And I fall into that just to deal with my uncertainty about today. I need to recognize that voice. I need to get my faith from God's power rather than a human power. And only over and over and again was I painted into a coin, it's okay, God, I'm yours again. Knew nothing about this when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. So my first drink is Euphoric, and I kept drinking on weekends, and weekends rolled into during the week, along with some outside issues I began to put in my body And suddenly I find myself in my first treatment center at about 18 or 19 years old, not believing I'm alcoholic, let alone a drug addict. I mean, that was considered dirty. I'm never going to be that guy. And I get out of my first treat and sent and I'm drunk in an hour after discharge. And I go into my second treatment center and I am drunk within an hour. And this was my pattern. And by the time I got to my fifth treatment center, now I know what I am. I'm a loser. I'm an alcoholic. I know I'm an alcoholic I got marks all over my body from some non-conference approved dry goods I'm putting in my veins I got hepatitis C no one wants to talk to me I'm unemployable and I'm only about 25 maybe at that point 24 my decline is like I go live in a dumpster if I get drunk off a bit tonight I'm in a dumpster tomorrow it's like that the bottom falls out. It's a free fall. I turn into this other guy. And I remember going into my fifth treatment center and my family was pretty much done with me at this point. My brothers thought I was an embarrassment and my dad really didn't know what to do. He was watching me die the same way he watched my mom die year after year after year and i never got the pain he was experiencing until a number of years into sobriety i mean i couldn't even fathom what he was going through watch his wife just fall apart on him until she commits suicide and what does this firstborn son do pick up where she left off and he can't even fix me i mean what do you do most folks would pack up and leave i'm out but he had enough fortitude and belief in me more than i ever had and i go into this fifth treatment center and after nine weeks i'm drunk two days later guys because the mind tricked me i get discharged from a treatment center after nine weeks and i'm physically sober i have the chatter of a thousand voices going on you know the voices that always talk to us all day long during a meeting while we're at work while we're doing things we love to do there, it's always there. The difference between then and now on most days, I can't say every day on most ways, I pay no attention to it. It doesn't bite so deep. But when I don't pay attention to It, it takes over. So here I am, you know, out of my, my fifth treatment center, I don' t know where to go what to do. I call my dad, He says, come home reluctantly. I remember when I walked in the house and my brothers were near the kitchen. You know the look the families give us when we show up after another debacle? And they said, why is he here? It's only a matter of time. Money or jewelry is going to be missing. Something's going to happen. And they were arguing with my dad about having me, their oldest brother in the same house with them. Things changed. I was not welcome in my own home or my dad's home. And I tossed and turned and had that white knuckle sobriety that was crawling out of my skin for two days. This is unbelievable with me as an alcoholic, because my body didn't need alcohol when I got discharged after being in the treatment center for nine weeks. But my mind said, yeah, it does. And so I snuck out of the house early, early Monday morning. I'll never forget this. And there was this setup and the ambush. my plan was to drive to South Brooklyn to go to this liquor store and get one lousy pint of whiskey to still my nerves just to get some chill time so I can figure out what I'm going to do with my life I was going to get in the car and drive back to my dad's house and just figure it out and by the time the liquor store opened and I got in there I felt as if I was going through withdrawal. This is the power of this predator called the mind. It's a four-letter word. Why we tell new people bring the body and the mind will follow baffles me all the time. But my mind created an environment, and it began to feel physical like I need a drink right now. And I got the pint of whiskey, and I drank it down. You know what happened to me, right? I felt fabulous when I was done with it. I felt absolutely wonderful. I felt in control and powerful again. I'm back. The problem is I never made it to the car because I'm an alcoholic, and when I drink, it gets intensified. It doesn't get satisfied, so into the liquor store I go to get another pint. I'm sure most of you guys know exactly what I'm talking about. The second one screams a little louder than the first, and I polish off the pint. You know what? I'm drunk. Now I need to continue to get drunker, And I like to get high right now. So I copped some pills. And I've shared this so many times, I didn't see it coming, but I went on a really, really bad run here. The trapdoors have trapdoors and quite frankly, my dad's money and connections getting me good lawyers that I didnít land in prison. And I wasn't, you know, a stick-up guy or a violent guy. But when you get arrested enough, the judge puts you away, even for a short time. And that didn't happen to me. And I landed in my sixth treatment center and walked out after 36 hours. The realization that I'm better off dying was very real, very clear. The realization of how much damage I did to my family I couldn't get away from. I said, you've just been one big mistake. And God had some other plans for me. And I lingered on the streets for a while, never been homeless. I learned how to be homeless, learned how to do a lot of boosting and stealing and just the life. But I got so weak and feeble at the end, I felt safer hiding out in a hallway than on the street because I couldn't defend myself and all I can do is drink if I was up I was drinking I mean that's just the way it was I had to drink it wasn't like well we'll drink tomorrow that wasn't happening anymore and I'm cold I'm sweating I'm going through withdrawal and I just wish it would all end. I landed in Alcoholics Anonymous after treatment in 1988 and after a year living in Minnesota, I was brought back to Brooklyn, New York. And I was brought actually brought to what became my first home group in Brooklyn called the free spirit group. A friend of a friend heard I just came home. She was an old timer, she said, I'll take you to this meeting. And she dropped me off at the door and the men came over. So it was a cool time in AA, forgive me for being critical, but I'm going to be critical. We didn't have cell phones back then. So we watched the door. We didn't look at our phone. Sam Shoemaker says, stand by the door, you know, except for greeters, we don't do it. We're interested in what's on our phone, right before the speaker speaks. So what those men did back then, and Jimmy always talks about to get in the car days, it was to get the car day. They looked at the door here's a new guy. We don't know him, let's get them. And that's thank God they did that. And they circled of wagons and they sat me down and they took over. And a little by slowly, I start to expand my horizons by them putting me in the car and going to meetings. And my first appointed teacher showed up and he opened up the big book and he says, this is the solution. I didn't know what it was. I said, okay, let's do it. I don't know What I'm in for. It's got to be better than what I was doing. I was made very teachable. Once desperation screams louder than the ego, we get real teachable we get real open-minded desperation makes me open to receive help from i don't care who it is i just need help and i knew that not in the head because the head is fickle the mind is fickled today moses tomorrow rambo that's my mind but the soul is always right it knows where to go what to say what to do knows how to be and knows who to be attracted to and the soul was leading me, and I didn't even know it back then. It should not change now after 35 years that I don't pay attention to my soul because I'm sober 35 years. And I don't need God as much. I'm still as much an alcoholic as I was drinking, sober as I am right now. Based on my actions, I need to take a look at have I forgotten I'm an alcoholic? Am I convinced I'm Still Alcoholic? and so i found the sponsor and you know it's unbelievable when you apply a solution to a problem you don't have a problem i mean it's just that simple and it wasn't that i was i was not drinking but i had a bigger problem and it was this head it would not turn off page 27 talks about ideas attitudes and emotions they were all over me in different colors changing shapes and I was and I'm taking the you know I hop on one and go my sponsor says we we get on a train but we don't know where it's going until we find out oh I'm on the wrong train now would I you know just get on one after the other after the another after the others and that's why back then if you asked me how I was doing at noontime, I'm totally exhausted because I've been following all these emotions. My mind owned me. Well, if as long as I'm involved in self, if I'm attracted to self and I'm immersed in me, how can I possibly be immersed in God? I'm so consumed with what people think of me, what people are saying about me, my journey, this bridge back to life. And all the nonsense that my mind puts up, when I'm guided by that, I'm not listening to God. And that could be the very same road that's taken me further and further away from God. My plans and designs. After this, being in an area this long, I need to be even more immersed in God than I was when I was new. Because the mind has gotten that much trickier, yeah? That much smarter. I can suddenly start to take credit and boast about the things that I've gotten, rather than giving all credit to God. What do I have that has not been given to me? I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't have a clue. You guys hand me stuff via God on a silver platter. This is what we do in AlcoholicsAnonymous. And God gave me desperation to listen to you and not question you. When my ego starts to resurface after a couple of years, now I start to question you and I start the question her and suddenly become a big shot. And then we hit a second bottom in recovery. And sometimes the third bottom while we're sober. And it's all God's loving hands to get me, get my attention. And so I was with the sponsor for a number of years and I found another sponsor because my first sponsor got untreated, I'll call it. And this gentleman, Mark H., was put in my path. He just had a sober birthday in heaven the other day. And he was God with a teacher. He showed me AA like, and this is nothing against my first sponsor, but I saw AA with eyes, with new eyes. I saw this power called God in the 12 steps in the big book and the importance of a home group that I never saw before. And I start to have experiences that I never had before. And because of him, I was introduced to many other, for me, that were giants in Alcoholics Anonymous, that they were able to sit with me and walk me through the life circumstances and made me real clear that life should never be my master. Only God is. And I became, and as I am even till this moment, and willing to be on the God's authority today. I'm not a God bigger than God, but to fall under God's authority. And for some reason, for most days, I travel light. And I will tell you, I'll be transparent. I don't have a whole bunch of money in the bank that everything's great because I'm rich. It's been a scratch and claw for me since I got into this business. I've taken hits like a lot of us, I'm sure from people, you start to speak a lot. People want to tear you down. Very few lift you up. The business I'm in, I've taken all sorts of hits for from some AA members because I work in the treatment field. I used to, I used To, I used get really angry with that. I used write lots of inventory with it. I should talk to a lot of people I've gotten past that. Thank you God for that. It doesn't bother me. When a book talks about a position of neutrality, safe and protected. If someone likes me, they like me. If they don't, they don'T. We all have different colors and different flavors we're attracted to. I'm just not in your brand. And I keep moving on. I chop wood and carry water. For me, that's traveling awfully light. Because God has made it really clear for me. There's three places I'm most comfortable. My sponsor always says he's better around us. And I totally get that. there's three places I'm most comfortable and one is the obvious in alcoholic synonymous I'm just I'm better around you the other is when I'm in church and when I am around my wife I'm okay in my own skin because in AA I have so many friends that many are very close to me I'm just okay there. I'm okay in church. I'm in my God's house. I have to be perfect. I'm with my wife, the obvious. The great thing about Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't have to быть perfect. And part of the awakening and growing and understanding and effectiveness is I don' t have to być перфект. God, if you know me, you know I' m not broken and flawed. I' M the car that when it drives away leaves an oil spot on the cement. I mean, that's me. The window squeaked, the door squeaked. That's me, that is how I get around, broken and flawed. And I embrace that today. I don't need to be perfect. When I was new in AA, I thought I had to be perfectly. I'm beyond pain. I am beyond life, circumstance and real life. And sometimes it's wonderful and sometimes it feels unfair and sometimes is just painful. I buried my dad a couple of months ago and i felt like the air in my lungs was taken out and the reality of it hit me about a month three weeks later when i went to uh right here in boca raton to see him at his at his grave site and my wife had to come get me because i didn't have mobility or drive it didn't feel fair it felt like it was way too painful for one person it's just the ebb and flow of life because of Alcoholics Anonymous and God I've been able to chop wood and carry water and move through that and reminisce about the fun times in a difficult time I wouldn't want to have anyone my dad growing up with all the good and bad so God has God has lifted a lot of blinders and uh allowed me to be a man among men broken and flawed I know I am and to turn back to God and be one of his workers the harvest is plentiful the labor is a few I want to be a worker for God he signed me up to do this and there's no better place for me uh to be an alcoholic than Alcoholics Anonymous God has answered some prayers to me over the years mysteries in my life through the practice of meditation and prayer knowing that I'm known by my creator is a tremendous amount of freedom there's many days as Thomas Merton talks about, I don't know exactly what's up ahead but I keep moving and I'm trying to please God but in what I'm doing I don't know if it really pleases God but I'm just saying I'm not trying to please God but in just the attempt of pleasing God it pleases God I've been married to my wife for almost two years a year and a half I'd say I know her a lot longer than that I can count on one hand the times i raised my voice i haven't raised my voice to my wife and it seems like forever you know why there's no need to why would i raise my voice to me best friend how could i claim to live a spiritual life if i'm raising my voice in bullying i practice fidelity to my life and that's not i should i don't get an award for that it's just the way it's made i practice fidelity with my friends. I don't have friends until something else comes along and then I leave them in the dust. God has given me a true heart. And I'll close with this, which usually I always talk about this at the front end. The thing about Alcoholics Anonymous, it's about relationships to me, starting with my relationship with God. How am I doing with this God? Who is my God? How much time do i spend with god do i turn all things into god yeah i gotta pay attention to that i love to tell you i do that perfect and i don't and as far as my personal relationships how do i treat my friends they know how important they are to me do i listen when they need to talk talk? Or am I always talking? And with my brothers and with my family, what does that look like? Is it more healing going on or more division happening? I like to think a lot more healing and nurturing and caring and awakening and walking shoulder to shoulder. To me, that's real freedom. I would love to have a boatload of money in the bank. But you know what I've watched? I've watch people with boatloads of money wanting to just get drunk and go away because life was too painful I'll take what God has me till my last breath what he's given me all day long because I travel light on most days I don't have skeletons in the closet I walk with the few men I trust my life with I have a woman I'm absolutely crazy about and love with I've two brothers that are with me all the time guys I've been so overpaid by God so I ask him instead of giving me more how can I give back to him you know what he gives me work to do. And for this, I'm forever grateful. I chop wood and carry water. And it happens. I walk into a meeting called Alcoholics Anonymous. I say, my name is Peter. I'm an alcoholic. And you always say hi back. It's unbelievable. And You Don't Even Know Me. Hi, Peter. And I'm at home. My friend Jimmy always says, come all the way in and sit all theway down. That's what I do. I got a home. It''s called Alcoholic Anonymous . That's all I got guys. Peace.