The Truth About Half-Stepping It – Joe B.

Welcome to Sober Sunrise, a podcast bringing you AA speaker meetings with stories of experience, strength and hope from around the world. We bring you several new speakers weekly, so be sure to subscribe. We hope to always remain an ad-free podcast, so if you'd like to help us remain self-supporting, please visit our website at sober-sunrise.com. Whether you join us in the morning or at night, there's nothing better than a Sober Sunrise. We hope that you enjoy today's speaker. I grew up, my name's Joe, I'm an alcoholic. Friday, June the 5th of 94, I am as thankful as I know how to be for that today. You know, a lot of people start with their childhood and all that kind of thing, and I just don't because that's boring to me when people start that away. Other than to say, I always say I come from a good family. I really did. My folks raised a preacher and a missionary, and my sister is almost an angel, and I was the only sorry one in the bunch, you know, and I kind of blazed the trail to hell and everybody else went the other way. They went to church. Don't know how that happened. You know, the only thing I know about being alcoholic is the way I drink alcohol, And the only thing I know about staying sober is Alcoholics Anonymous. It's that simple. I'm going to share with you in a general way what it used to be like, what happened, and what it's like now. And I want to thank the committee for inviting me. It's always an honor and a privilege to get to be asked to do anything in AlcoholicsAnonymous. And when you come from where I come from, to get zu do anything, anything, it's just a miracle. It's an absolute miracle. So I'm gonna get started with my favorite day of my life. I was about 10 or 11 years old. I was walking home from school one day, and a friend of mine, Jamie, said, if we're going to be real men, we've got to dip Copenhagen snuff. And I said, by God, you're right. I got a big old dip in my mouth, made about three or four steps, and I've been doing it ever since. Got to his house later on that afternoon, and he said, if we'RE going to BE real men we've gotta drink whiskey. And I SAID, by GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT. He got this bottle of Jim Beam. I'll never forget it as long as I live. I can tell you everything I was wearing that day, everything that happened. Total recall of that day. And he poured a shot, and I looked at it, and never had taken a drink in my life. I said, you know what? That's not going to be enough. And that's the truth. So we got this plastic cup. We filled it about halfway up, andI got that juice down the hole where it does most good. And let me tell you, I felt just like a man ought to feel. I wanted to go kill somebody, find me a girl, roll around in the hay, and fight, you know. I thought, I have arrived. I have arrives. And I thought to myself, I'm going to do this every day. Every day for the rest of my life. I can't wait until I get grown and I can get this done on a regular basis. Half my family is Irish Catholic and the other half is the Assembly of God folks. So I was confused and you can just tell from the start which side I fit in best with, you know. I like the drinkers. So anyway, all my people are on my dad's side, which is the Catholic side, are up in Kansas City. My first drunk was a whole lot like my last. I was with all the people I wanted to be with doing exactly what I wanted to be doing, and I overshot the mark and got sent home the next day. That's how that works. So we're up there, and my cousin is on home leave from the Navy, and he said, What would you like to drink? He got this big old plastic cup, andI said, Man, just pour a little bit of everything in there. And he did, and, God, it was wonderful. The last thing I remember was making snow angels in the front yard, blacking out and passing out. You know, that's just how it went. Right after midnight mass, it was great. Got up the next morning, I was still drunk and nobody seemed to notice and got back home and, man, I just – I was just looking forward to it. I grew up in a small town. I lived in Fort Worth for a long time and they think anything east of 360 is East Texas, kind of like y'all down here think everything north of 10 is Yankeesville, you know? Kind of the same thing. I say them for me because it just makes sense because I talk so funny and it just kind of explains it a little bit. But I grew up in a small town, and it's never hard to find somebody to buy you a little booze or somebody's always got an older brother or sister. Somebody's house is fortified. I wasn't from a real drinking family, but I never had a problem getting a hold of alcohol. And from the beginning, it seemed like I had a great capacity for it. It seemed like we'd get a 12-pack of beer with my buddies, and they'd have about two or three, and they talked about getting buzzed. You know, I have never been buzzed in my life. I am either sober or insanely drunk. There is no in between. When I read about social drinking in the book, I think, who are they talking about, you know? I never did any of that. So things kind of rocked along. I started getting in trouble real early. I was bad about getting MIPs. I relate a lot to Mike, what he was talking about. He never got DUIs. I never got GUIs either. I never had a car. I had one once for a while but lost it. Anyway, so I was always getting in troubles. I started dating Justice of the Pieces' daughter. You know, I thought, man, that would keep me out of a little trouble. Well, later on I had to move up to the DA's daughter and eventually had to marry her. But that's way later on in the story. But things were rocking along, and I'm the kind of guy, I wasn't afraid of anything. I just was not afraid of nothing. I was not scared of anything, andI don't know why. I really should have been. I did a lot of dumb things. I ran off to Mexico one time. I was about 15, andi called my folks from the border and told them I'd be back directly. And it was about a month or so later. The worst beating I ever got was the best time I ever had. You know, it was just a ball. And, you know, what are you going to do? I mean, I was out of control long before we ever had that first talk. But my folks had gone on a vacation, and they were dim enough to let me stay at home by myself. I had a little old preacher brother with me, and he sent sister off to grandma. And our house was not very big, y'all. I mean not very Bigg at all. And I had about 150 of my best friends in there, and we broke every bit of furniture in the house, you know, just one of those great parties, kind of like an animal house kind of deal. And I'll never forget the look on my folks' face when they walked in the door, and they're asking what happened. I said, you know, we've been here for about 11 years, and I just felt like we need to rearrange a little bit. That's when Mom brought the first faith healer home. And we'd also – his son was with us that evening, and we did what you're supposed to do. We dropped him off on the front yard and rang the doorbell and all that kind of good stuff. And so the preacher comes over, and he's giving me the talk. He's giving Me the talk, and He's laying hands on Me, and He' s speaking in tongues, and He''s trying to cast that alcohol demon out of Me. And He says, Boy, do you realize that you are going to hell? And I looked Him dead in the eyes, and I said, Yes, sir, I do, and I plan on taking as many of you as I can with Me. And that healing stopped. He just left. He just lived. He just live. Things kind of rocked along, and I'm doing what I do. And I eventually wind up down at the park. And the park in my hometown is kind of like a lot of East Texas towns. It's just the way it is. It ain't right. It just ain't wrong. But it's a segregated place, you know? Everybody has their place. And I fit wherever there was a lotof drinking going on. I showed up down there one night, and my best friend, we've become my best friends in the world, his name was Ron Dale. He was the most cross-eyed man I've ever met in my life. One eye went that way, the other one went that away. And whenever we play basketball, the goal's in front of you and he's looking like this. He never missed, man. He could have been the next Michael Jordan, but the bull got a hold to him too, you know. And the lady last night was talking about Wild Irish Rose. I love people who drink Wild Irish Roses. The best stuff you ever – hadn't seen a Fruit One squoze in it, you Know. And it just tastes just like whiskey. I just fell in love with it. Best thing that ever happened to me. So I'd stay down there for a few months. And, you Now, my brother could get away from the house for, you Know, 24 hours. and my folks would go running around looking for them. I'd be gone for three weeks. Nobody ever looked for me. That still bothers me, you know what I mean? And I didn't want to be found, but I was worth looking for, I thought, you know? So I've been down there for a few months, and things have just, I am just drinking constantly. I'm drinking constantly, and I'm not going to drink. Mom had already had that talk with me, one of them crying, sobbing stories. Oh, baby, please don't let it control you. You control it. And by the time that had come around, I'd long since overshot that mark. There was nothing I could do about it. She had found me one afternoon and said, boy, you have become notorious. And mom can say that with about 47 syllables in it, and every one of them hits you in the mouth, you know, and it's just awful. She said, you're going to Houston. That's where my dad lived. And he is at least a heavy drinker. I don't know whether he's alcoholic or not. That's his business. But we lived in a wonderful part of town. It's right off of Hammerly, right behind Dee's Pit Stop at the time. And that is the most wonderful bar you've ever met in your life. Some of these guys know what I'm talking about. But she sent me down there because she thought if I was living with my dad and saw what alcoholism was like, I might want to stop. What she didn't know is that she thought she was sending me to the worst place I could be, but it was just like heaven, man. I made some of the best friends I ever met. My best friend when I moved down here, his name was Charlie. Charlie lived in the dumpster next to the bar. He never ate, he never bathed, he never did any of that, and everybody bought his beer. And I thought, you know, growing up, my favorite movies were them country and western movies. Those old drunks, they never had to eat or bathe, and everyone feeds them booze, and that's what I wanted to be when I grew up, you Know? Charlie was kind of like Bill W.'s dog girl on the tombstone. He died before the end of the summer of acute alcoholism. He drank himself to death. I might should have taken a little heed to that, but I didn't, and it's just the way that goes. Me and my dad, we didn't get along too good I didn't getting along too well with anybody And he tried to cut me off at the bar one evening And we got in a big to-do And I'm going to stab him Put him out of his misery And he's going to beat the crap out of me And something happened that night And neither one of us got killed And that was good Because it was going to happen And I'd only been here for a couple months He decided it was time for me to go back already A couple of significant things happened to me At Dee's Pit Stop There was a guy there named Hacksaw And I remember walking in to the bar one day, and I used to, back when I was a kid, all I cared about was fighting football and another word that starts with F that I'm not going to say. But you can figure it out, I would imagine. And anyway, my dad always had a Coors Light and a bourbon press waiting for me when I got to the Bar after I got off work. And I told him, I said, well, you know, today I don't think I want one. I think I'm going to go to the gym and work out a little bit because the most important thing in my life was playing ball. That was it. That's what I lived for. I live for that and whiskey. But I told my dad no, and Hacksaw said, boy, I admire you. You have willpower. And I thought about that. I thought, you know what? He's right. I could probably have a beer and then go on about my business, and you know the rest of the story. I didn't leave the bar the rest that night nor the rest of the summer, and that's just the way it went. That's just how it was. That's the way we went. Had that big to-do, he sent me back home. And over the summer I'd work long enough to save up a little money and bought a car, an 87 Camaro. It was beautiful. It was the most fun thing I ever had. I made a decision when I was on my way back from Houston that until football season was over with, I was not ever going to take another drink. I wasn't going to do it. I didn't tell anybody this. I just told myself. So I stopped to get a 12-pack for the ride home. I meant when I got back to town. And I got to that four-way stop, and if I'd gone right, it was to the girlfriend's house. If I'd grown left, it would have been to the liquor store. So I just went left, and then I went right. You know, that deal about not drinking lasted about five minutes, you know. About five minutes. And got started, got to rocking and rolling. And I got hurt really early on in the season. I wound up separating my shoulder many, many times. And I Got to where my arm would just fall out and lose sensation and feeling in my hands. And I was 17, so my folks signed this deal and the doctor signed this deal and I couldn't play ball no more. And as far as I was concerned, life was over with. That was it. I am done. I am through. There's no point in living. And I began a real serious attempt at trying to drink myself to death. That's what I was trying to do. I was already, you know, they had kicked me out of the house not long after that or not long before that. You know, it was just one of those things. They had rules. Like one of their rules was you can't drink and stay here. Well, I had to drink. I hadto drink every day. I hadtodrinkeveryday. I had gotten to the point where at that period of time I was not welcome anywhere because everybody had rules. Most of them had to do with not drinking, and I started staying in this shed next to a friend of mine's house. I stayed there for a good long while, a good longer while while I was drinking, a long while after I got sober. I didn't have to be homeless, and you're never really homeless in a small town. Y'all know how that goes. You can always couch crash or something like that, but that's just where I was. I would rather be that way. I just would. And I'll never forget walking home one day and walking through the street, and my folks were standing out in the front yard, and they're asking, boy, where's that car? I said, man, I have no idea. I lost it. I still got the keys and title to it, but I can't find it. I'm sure it's in some pasture somewhere rotten today, you know. And those are the kind of things that happen on a real regular basis. I was passed out in my front yard one morning. It was long about December, right before Christmas, and I got 12-stepped. by my neighbor, the old-fashioned way. A lot of folks say you don't talk to a drunk when they're drinking. Well, had they waited for me to sober up, I never would have found this place. He'd come over. It was about 2 or 3 in the morning or something like that, and he hit me on the head, and he said, Boy, I don't know, but you might have a slight drinking problem. And he said maybe you ought to read this book, and he gave me my first copy, The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Just at that time, my very best friend in the world got sent off to a goonie roost because he was bad about doing that dope and all that stuff and drinking too much and they sent them off, and I thought, man, I needed a break. I had gone from 215 pounds down to about 160, 155 in a short period of time, and I was at my whiskey weight like Mike was talking about last night, just at my whisky weight. And I'm telling you all, all I wanted to do was die. All I wanted To do was Die. So they took me to the meetings, and I'm going to tell you exactly what I thought at my first meeting with Alcoholics Anonymous. I looked around the room, and they had all them signs hanging on the wall, and everybody was so old. And to me it looked just like a geriatric kindergarten, you know, when I thought, I'm 17 years old at the time, and the youngest guy there is 30, you Know. That's double my age. I thought my God, if I ever got that old, I'd quit drinking too, You know. So I poked along. I visited for about 30 days. I get a desire chip every day. I drink every day, You Know, how that goes. I go to school, pass them out like show and tell, you know. Everybody just thought it was so wonderful, somebody going to AA. After about 30 days, they had enough of me. And that's no joke. Because I did a research paper one time. I knew there was something wrong with me. I figured out why I was alcoholic. I inherited it or something. You know, I could tell you the chromosome number and color and all that neat scientific stuff, and I'd just tell them all about it, and they didn't care. You know how they are. Sit down, shut up, boy. They didn't want to know anything about it. So one evening after a meeting, they had had their fill, and about four or five of them were standing on the porch, and they said, boy, what you need to do is go try some control drinking. I said, man, that sounds wonderful. What is it? They said, well, it's on page 31, but since you probably can't read it, we're just going to tell you. So they told me, and my buddies rolled by, and I jumped in the back of the truck and went to that old party, and I did what they said to do. I had about six beers, two shots, and when you were drinking the way I was drinking, that didn't do nothing for you. The next day I got up, had a few more, just absolutely miserable. And on Sunday, you know what I said, to heck with it, and I started drinking like I liked to drink. And that began a six-month period of just the only way I know to describe it is zombolic drinking. I have no idea what happened, where I was, what was going on or anything like that. I have No Idea. Couldn't tell you. Couldn't Tell You Where I Was, Who I Was With, Nor Did I Care. And that was the thing. I just didn't care anymore. I just Didn't Care. A lot of bad things were happening. I mean, if it could have got worse, it did. Everything I ever said I was never going to do happened in that period of time. I had stopped by the house one evening and I needed to pick up some money and steal some money from my brother for what I was doing. And Mom standing in front of the door trying to block it, keep me from getting out. And she's just begging and crying, baby, please stay here. Please stay here, and what do you do when your mom is standing in front of you begging you and trying to cry and telling you to stay? You just throw her out of the way. That's what I did when I drank. That's why I drank, and that's why you drink. That's that's what idea, and you go on about your business, and I'll never forget that day. I'll not forget a lot of days, but there's a whole lot of stuff like that that went on. We got this big senior trip planned to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, and my graduating class, there were 106 of us, you know, and that's not very big. Everybody knew everybody's first, last name. We'd known each other our whole lives, and that just kind of the way it was. And I'd said a prayer before I left that last meeting where they told me about controlled drinking. I believe it was the most sincere prayer I ever said in my life. I said, God, either let me die or make me want to have what these people have. That was it. That's what I wanted. And we're out doing what you do when you're from the country. I drank with one of my coaches, and we picked up a bunch of pretty girls, and we're on these back roads, and we're swerving and ducking and dodging and we are in this brand new 1994 Pathfinder and it starts to roll. And when it starts the roll, the thought that goes through my mind is thank God it's over. Thank God it is over. And I wasn't dead, you know, obviously. And I was disappointed. I was disappointing. And I thought to myself this is my sign from God. This is it. I will never drink again as long as I live. We got everybody back to town and within 15 minutes we were out there getting all the bottles that hadn't broken and the cans that hadn'T busted. And I finished that drunk just like you're supposed to. I was bad about not being where I was supposed to be, like school. They expected it on a regular basis. I didn't do that. My mom was there one morning. She said, boy, I'm here about your attendance. How many days do you think you missed? I said, well, probably about 10 or 11. And we got to the office, it was more like 43. And that's not good because that's like half of the deal, you know, and you're not going to get to graduate. But they worked something out where I'd have to go to detentions like before and after school every day on Saturday and go out to the vice principal's house on Sunday and bale hay and do those kind of things. That's just the way it works. By the time I was 15, I'm going to slide back a little bit. Like I said, I was going to the Justice of the Peace on a regular basis, and he called me the town drunk, and I was so proud. And he taught me how to get around all that stuff. He said, God, boy, would you just put all that staff in a suitcase, case, go to one pasture and stay all night, you know? Because that's where you drink when you're from the country, in the pasture. There's no bars or any of that kind of stuff. Go out there and raise cane, burn stuff down. It's wonderful, you know? And we did it real good. We did it real good! Everybody in town knew what happened by the time I woke up the next morning. That was one of the other deals. I had to go set up the whole deal for graduation and stuff like that. And people were asking me, what happened Joe? Are you okay? What's going on? and I didn't remember a thing. They took me by the car later on that afternoon, and I just couldn't believe anybody survived that wreck. I really couldn't. I really could, and it was amazing. And every one of us walked away. Every one of Us walked away We got through that deal, got my little diploma and all that stuff, and I got on a good run of drunk. I wound up somewhere down in Corpus Christi or Robstown or something like that, and I vaguely remember being at a quinceanera or some big Mexican party, and it was great, man, because they had tons of tequila and tons of rum and it just couldn't have been any better. I fit right in, fit right In. We had a few days left before we were supposed to get on that flight and every bit of money I'd gotten for graduation and everything else was gone and by the time it was time to make that trip to the airport, I remember why I had this. I have no idea. It might have been some women involved, but I had these boxes of wine and it wasn't empty. It was about empty and you know how that stuff is. You've got to rip the box apart. And on the way to the airport, I'm squeezing on that bladder, pulling on that little deal trying to get that last little dropout because I was afraid they weren't going to serve me on the airplane. And that was true. When we got there, my mom was there, girlfriend was there. Her mom, everybody I knew in this God's world was there and everybody was well, my Mom and her mom and her. Everybody was crying, Joe, please don't drink. Please don't dream till the last day. Please, please, please baby. Don't do it. Don't Do It. All right, I won't do It but I fell in love. There was this girl that I believe she danced for a living. And I fell in love right away with her and her friend, and that's just my kind of deal. So I left the girlfriend and everything else, and I'm running around trying to do what I need to do. And we get down to this resort thing. I remember trying to sign in. They wouldn't let me drink on the plane, and I was right. I started getting into them bad shakes, and I Was shaking so bad I couldn't sign my name on a little piece of paper. My buddies are holding my hand. They're saying, Joe, you've got to stop drinking, man. And this orientation deal lasted about 15 minutes. I was good for two and went to the bar, and the first thing I did was order a glass of tequila. Then I asked for some rum. And when I drink rum, things get stupid in a hurry. I mean real stupid. You know, where I grew up, there's lots of trees, and you can kind of go to the bathroom everywhere you want to go. In Mexico, they're a little bit smaller. And, well, I was using one, and I missed, and I hit somebody's table while they were eating. That didn't go over so well. And then I guess I had to go again real soon, so I just used the pool. And that didn't go over real well either, and a little bartender cut me off. I got angry, soI tried to beat him to death with a bar stool. And they locked me up in the room. They thought maybe I need to take a break. Maybe if I get a little sleep, it might wear off a little bit. Later on that afternoon, the sleep wasn't helping none. They brought me back down and thought if I'd get some food in my stomach, I might sober up a littlebit. And that's when I saw my opportunity. I was going to kill myself. So I grabbed somebody's drink as I'm making my way out to the ocean, and I'm just going to drown myself out there. And I got about 400 or 500 yards out, and the water never got above my chest. And my buddies are chasing after me, and they're dragging me back into shore. And just in case you're wanting to kill yourself in Mexico, don't do it in public. It's against the law. I know that because the federales were passing by, and они были готовы принести меня в море. and they convinced them to let me just go back to the room, and I'm standing there screaming and yelling and cussing at them, telling them to go back their own country and leave me alone. Don't they know who I am? Having no idea where I'm at. I have another opportunity. I'm going to jump off the balcony and get to town, and I would have made it had I opened the sliding glass door, but I didn't. It was a place of glass. That knocked me down for a bit, and that was good. And I come to, and I was in the best fight I'd ever seen in my life. Everybody was just beating the crap out of me. It looked like they were having fun. I wasn't. I was under room arrest, you know, but the guards give up later on into the evening. I made my way to them girls, see what I could do with that, and find me some more whiskey. And I remember coming to the next morning because that's what I'd been doing for a long time. I'd be shaking awake at about 4 or 5.30, just having to take another drink, and that's when it happened one more time, and I couldn't find it. I couldn' t find it And I got down to the main floor, and they had a little bus waiting for me and a couple of police cars, and I was being deported from Mexico, for Christ's sake. How do you get thrown out of Mexico, you know? That's hard to explain. So, you get on the bus, and you get going. And got to the airport. I tried to make it to the bar, and that didn't work out so good. And I saw the biggest man, biggest man in any shape, form you've ever seen. He was my bodyguard, three times bigger than Bobby, and That's Pretty Big. And anyway, they take me out to the plane on my very own bus, one more little bus by myself. And I got my bodyguards, and he's sitting next to me on the plane. And all these important people are loading me up, shipping me out. And this poor old woman sat next to me on the plane ride back, and I know I just reeked because I hadn't bathed in days, and I'd been hard drinking like I like to drink. And I remember just crying, just crying. Every time I asked for help, there was always a stipulation to it. That evening there was no stipulation, or that morning I just said, God help. And that's all I could get out of my mouth, God helps. Didn't know what to do, got back to the airport. My mom's standing there crying one more time. My stepdad's standing There laughing. He's a big-shot administrator at one of the oldest treatment centers in Dallas at the time, and he asked me a real important question. One thing I've got to say, one of The guys that kind of headed up the trip and a couple of The chaperone people were asking me right before they sent me off, they said, Joe, why do you drink like you drink? Why do you do this? Why do You always do this ? I told the absolute truth that morning. The first time, probably last time I've ever told the absolute truth in my life, I said, you know, I don't know why I do what I do. And that wasn't a sufficient answer for a non-alcoholic. They don't understand that. You can come in here and say, I'm not an alcoholic. I don' t know, and we all get it. We know you don' d know why you do what you do. They want answers. You know, like who, what, when, where, why? Those are just lie questions. You know? If you ask me, I' m just going to lie to you just for the principle of the thing. Like, where have you been? Who have you bene with? I don''t know. You know?, What do you want to hear? You know what I mean? What's going to make you feel better about all of it? So that's what I'm going to tell you. Get back, my dad says, well, what do you think we ought to do with you? I said, well. You take me to jail. I know I got warrants out some kind of place. Or maybe we can go to that treatment center you work at. And he looked me dead in the eyes and he said, boy, you ain't worth the money. And I said well, well what about AA? He said best idea you've ever had. And so they did a little rolling stop at the meeting, dropped me off. They said, don't bother coming home. And I said, Don't worry, I ain't. And walked through the glass door, and the lady was sitting there. Her granddaughter was in my graduating class, and the whole room just busted out laughing because they knew where I was supposed to be. And I was just blubbering and whining and crying, didn't know what to do. And I didn't pick up a desire chip that night. They stuffed me full of a lot of cigarettes. Nobody offered me a ride anywhere at home or anything like that. They just turned me aloof when the meeting was over with because they didn't like me very much. And I don't blame them. I had a tough decision to make. I didn't know what to do, and I walked by the liquor store, and it just happened to be a Sunday. It was closed. I couldn't get nothing. So I walked around town all day, and one of the gifts I had received for graduation was round-trip tickets anywhere I wanted to go. So I flew to Houston. I figured if anybody could help me out, maybe my dad could Because I wasn't wanted where I was at, and I just needed to get going. I do that a lot. When I ain't wanted to where I'm at, I just get going sometimes. Sometimes I just keep going because I need to. I like to run a lot, and that ain't so good. Best lesson I ever learned in Alcoholics Anonymous is sometimes it's just best to stand up and be counted. And that's okay. That's okay, that's the greatest lesson I've ever learned here. A lot about becoming a man. But anyway, made my trip down to Houston. and I knew he'd help me get off a drunk, and he did. He fed me a lot of orange juice and honey and stuff like that, and I shook it out for a good three days. Every time I laid down in this little old bed, you know, it's a drunk house, and there ain't no furniture. There's just beds set up everywhere. I remember every time I'd lay down, I felt like I was falling into hell, and the walls and the ceilings were shaking and moving on me, and stuff was crawling out of the carpet. I was having my first real good shot at DT. It was great. You know, a free trip, I guess. I don't know what to tell you. And he had this little bottle of tequila on the wall. It said break in case of emergency. It was enclosed in glass, and I studied that thing for three hours trying to figure out is this an emergency or not, you know? Wound up not drinking it, called my folks, said, hey, look, can I come back to Kauffman? Because I didn't know that AA was anywhere but in KauffMAN in Dallas, Texas. I thought that's the only place it existed, andI needed to get back. I needed to give back there. They said, you can come back town, but you can't come home, and l said, that's fine. started going to meetings on a regular basis. And the first night I was back, they took me into the back room. And if you're getting took to the backroom, you're going to a good place if you'RE ready to stop drinking. And they give me that talk, about four or five of them. They said, there are going to be some conditions for you here. And one condition is you cannot say anything until we ask you to. And I said, okay. I said okay. They said you're gonna have a case of sugar diabetes. What you need to do is keep you some candy and something sweet around and have you something to get you through the shake. Because I shook awful bad for a long time. It was a good six months before I could hold a full cup of coffee without spilling it. And they said, You're going to get a sponsor. And they gave me a sponsor, his name was Head. Head was a real hillbilly. He had hair way down past his neck, you know, and he quit school in the sixth grade. He only had about nine months at the time, but they figured if he worked, there was no way I was going to stay sober. But if he work with me, it might help him out. And that's how that whole deal worked. it worked out real good because uh head didn't know nothing you know we just got started on the book and he didn't read so well so what we would do to work the steps is get together and i tell him what the big words meant he'd tell me what to do and we started right at that front blank page you know and there it wasn't like it kind of is in some of the big cities where they talk about working a step a month or a step of year or anything like that if you're well enough to stop shaking and you can read the book you're ready to start working the steps that's just the way they felt about it. They said all we had to offer in Alcoholics Anonymous was a spiritual experience, and the only way they knew to produce that was with the steps. So you get started right away. We got going, you know, we got going. We've got to work on it, and a little bit of time had passed, and things were kind of going good, and I was out at his house trying to get me on the third step, and as I was trying to do it by myself, I kept coming back and telling him, you know nothing's happening. I thought something big was supposed to happen, so we're out of his place one day and before things had really gotten good in his life he lived in this old 70 trailer he'd built five extra rooms onto you know whenever broke down vehicle he ever had and it was just the way it ought to be broke down horse and and we're pitching horseshoes and we go over to the butane tank that's where the t is he said boy get on your knees i said i didn't sign up for nothing like this and uh that's exactly what i said now he got on his too thank god and and he reached under he reached under that butane tank and he pulled out a big book and he had it planned out you know and uh he said uh looky here god he told me so we're fixing to do this thursday he said looky hear god smoky joe's fixing to turn his will life over to you so watch out and he said boy read that prayer i read that prayer I'm gonna tell you something something happened that day by the time i was finished i felt like if i turned around jesus muhammad buddha or somebody would have been standing right behind me. Something happened that day. Something changed, and immediately after getting up, he said, boy, you need to go home and do that four-step right now. Well, you know how that goes. You get flushed with that old spiritual enema, and you ain't ready to do nothing. I'm hanging out for two weeks, and I'm sitting on the back table at the back door, and he said you got that four step done yet? And I said no, sir. I was real arrogant, kind of like I am now, maybe a little worse. I said, head, I don't think I want to know everything it is to know about me just yet. So he grabbed me by the arm, threw me in his pickup truck, and we went down to the liquor store. Walked inside. He got a fifth of Jack Daniels, came back out, set it in my lap. He said, well, the problem is, boy, you haven't had enough to drink yet. Why don't you just get with it? I said, I'll have it done Sunday. That was Friday night. Wrote it, got it done. I was out at his place doing my best shot at a fourth and fifth step. And I'm going to tell you something. I did the very best I could do at the time. That's the God's honest truth. Was everything on there? No. It wasn't. I made a fatal mistake, though. Almost a fatal mistake. I willfully withheld one piece of information. One thing I was never going to tell another human being as long as I lived. It was going to be many, many more years before I ever talked about any of that stuff. It was no big deal, you know? It was just one of those things I was just going to go to my grave with. I just was. Things rocked along. My life is getting good, you Know. I wind up, I started out working for this gentleman. He had a detail shop. Started working for him for cigarettes and food. That's how I got started. They helped me get a little job at a construction company and all that kind of good stuff, and I was, I say construction, I was a laborer. I cleaned and swept. That's what I did, and eventually things moved on. I got a job working on a drilling rig, taking soil samples, going everywhere, and I got to go all over the Midwest and all this kind of stuff, and man, it was wonderful. I gotto make meetings everywhere, and I've got to find out how big AA was, and it wasn't a town I went to that I didn't catch a meeting. I called 911 at one place, got the police showed up and everything, and they thought I was drunk. I said, no, no. I just need to find the AA. And so they took me. It was great. It was a great. Only call they ever had like that, they said. It was the only free ride I ever had in the back of a police car, too. You know? But it was cool. It was cool met a guy at that meeting. His God was a cricket. He kept it in his pocket, in a plastic bag. You know, that was God as he understood him. And it worked, you know, he was sober. All kinds of nuts in AA. I know I'm one of them. I'm dying to go back and see if the dude's still sober, you know what I mean? Anybody going Texarkana way, let me know. I'm riding, you know. Things are going good. For the first three or four months, all I wore to the meetings were cut-off shorts. No shirts, no shoes, no none of that. That's no joke. And they kept inviting me back. And they gave me a key. They gave me the key after I had two months. And I was so proud of that, you know, I still don't even have a key to my mother's house and it's been almost 12 years since I've had a drink. At the last birthday, I said, Mom, can I have a keys? She said, Oh, baby, I don't know. I'm going to have to pray about it a little bit. I know what Jesus is going to say. Lord Things are going good I got this job I bought me this little bitty old pickup truck And I'm 18 now Got from the 17 to 18 And I was driving home from school This brand new 1994 Black Ford Ranger It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever had in my life The only thing I've ever had I was coming home Trying to make a quick trip back from Oklahoma City And I Was coming into town and there was a huge harvest moon. This is about 10 months into it. This huge harvest Moon sitting over the tree line and it dawned on me for the first time I had gone the entire day without thinking about drinking because early on, no matter what I did, I wanted to drink every single day and the only hour of peace I had was in the AA meeting. It's the only time my mind stopped. The rest of the time, I just wanted to dream. I was doing everything I was supposed to do and giving it my best shot but that's what happened and the next thought that came to my mind was, God, I'm old. I don't drink. I ain't got nothing going on. What I need to do is get married. Because my wife's over, might as well do that too. First wife wanted to go to school to be a court reporter and all that kind of stuff. Her folks would pay for her to go into college, but they wouldn't support her in doing that, so I wasn't making any money. She wasn't either. Figured you could get a bunch of financial aid, and that worked out pretty good for her. And she went to school to come a quarter. We moved to Fort Worth, moved to the big city and I'll never forget moving up there. I was driving down Lamar Street and there were these two blondes in a car next to me and they're both smiling and I thought, God, the city life is going to be good for me. Then it kind of dawned on me I had everything on the back of a trailer and all in my truck and my rocking chair was tied to the top. I looked just like the Beverly Hillbillies coming to town. They wasn't smiling at me, they were laughing at me. you know? Or I sobered up. All these meetings are closed. There's all closed meetings. We got one open meeting a month. Everything comes out of literature. There is no open discussion, you know. No meeting to start with. I'm having a bad day, you know, we just don't talk about that stuff. It comes out the literature. It's just the way it was. So I thought everywhere in AA was really kind of like that. And I moved to this city and I make this meeting. I say it when I'm there. It' s the primary purpose group in Arlington and they were talking about their inner child. Now, we had this one guy come in. He was going to therapy and I've got nothing against therapy. It's a wonderful thing. You need to go, you need to go. The book talks about all that outside professional help. However, inside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, that's no help to us. But he had come in with a teddy bear and we were all asking him, why you got that teddy bear? My therapist said, I need to work on my inner child and Ken was a big, big guy and he was bald, looked just like Mr. Clean. He said, no, let me tell you what we're going to do with that teddy bear and he ripped it in half, ripped the head off through it and the trash. He said What you need to work on is the S-O-B-U-R right now, and all you need know about your inner child is it needs this butt whooped. So I think that's how you handle business when people talk about that. I'm at this meeting. I stand up and start doing that, and that don't go over very well. They don't appreciate that kind of stuff. So now I'm living in Fort Worth, and I'm having to drive all the way back every day to catch a meeting. I finally asked this guy, is there any real A.A. in Fort worth? He said, yeah, there is. There's this place called the Meadowbrook Group, and you needto go find one or two people, A gentleman by the name of Jack H. or Jim S. I met Jim S the first night. He was a real good guy. He was kind of like Grandpa except with about 30 years, real steady. Steady guy, just a good person. Kind of people that make you sick in AA. They come here and you think, man, how'd that person ever take a drink? You just don't believe it. Then I met Jack. Jack's a little bit different. He's kind of shady and shifty, and he's my kind of guy, you know. So I asked him one evening after the meeting. And I said, will you be my sponsor? And he said, absolutely not. He said, I don't sponsor dopeheads. I said. I have never done any of that stuff in my life. I said I am a whiskey drinker. He goes, God, you're young. And he's like 64 or something at the time. And he kept saying no. And I say, well look. I've been thrown out of an entire country. And he got quiet for a second. He said. Well, I've never sponsored anybody that got thrown out of a country, son. I'll take you. And that's how that deal worked out. We got talking about them full moons and them girls And you know what, there was no difference between him and me No difference between Him and me. A lot of people say oh well you can have a great Impact on young people Because they can relate and all that kind of stuff That may be true, may not I kind of don't believe so I kind OF believe if you're an alcoholic You're an alcoholic I think if you can identify with the first 164 pages You can identify With anybody in this room And that's what it's really about Don't matter about the age, don't matter about the color. It doesn't matter about no orientation like Hall likes to talk about all the time. None of that stuff matters. It just don't matter. What do you want to do about stopping drinking? That's the deal. And if you're willing to do the work, you'll get the results. Things worked out real good. Like I said, I was married at this point, but I was, uh, I Was married when I went home, if you know what I mean. And whenever I would leave the house, I'd take my little old ring off and all that kind of stuff and try to Worked them groups, and Sponsor found out about that. So he announced to everybody I was married right before I made a talk one evening, and then he said that my wife had to go to Al-Anon. I said, oh, no, huh? I've got her trained just right. She gets up in the morning, cooks breakfast, irons my clothes, does all that kind of stuff just like a good East Texas woman is supposed to do, and I don't want this to change. Well, it changed rapidly after about two meetings. My wife got on a total different basis. she had to get up real early. Like I said, by this time I'd gotten into the insurance business and that was real good because I was good about, you know, all you've got to do to do that is take their money and promise to give them something later when they're dead. It's wonderful, you known? I can do that. I can do that kind of thing. I'm good at that. You're calling anybody, you know? So I'm doing this kind of gig now and everything's going pretty good. Anyway, this button had fallen off the top of my shirt and it wasn't ironed or pressed or anything and she's heading out the door i said whoa where are you going you need to fix this button and iron this shirt and uh she gave me a one-finger salute from the middle signifying how number one i was and said that she would never iron or touch a piece of my clothes as long as i lived and the rest of time we were married she didn't but uh things improved after that actually uh i kind of started having to treat her like an equal and uh you know that that helps the marriage relations i don't mind telling you things rocked along pretty good uh for a while Now, like I said, I couldn't. I had this just wayward eye, and I acted on it from time to time. And eventually I got caught. This is how I met all these people from Houston. I was at a state convention, and a gentleman came up and said he wanted me to meet his daughter and all that kind of deal, and I was happy to oblige him, and things happened. Well, my wife found out about me staying over someplace I shouldn't have been doing some stuff I shouldn'T have been doing, and that kind of blew the deal. and uh i wasn't i'm not proud of any of that it's just you know it's uh it's the truth it's juste the truth i could not act right would not act right so she packs everything up and leaves like she's supposed to there was no reconciliation there was not trying there was nothing and that's just the way it went that's the way it went i got to do the right thing against my own will see my sponsor sponsored me his wife sponsored her so everybody knew my business man i couldn't keep nothing quiet and that's never good that's every good but i got to do the right thing and that that deal got to be settled a little bit but that began about a two and a half year running dry drunk the only thing i didn't do for the next two and half years was drink i began living that double life like the book talks about i'm doing what i want to do i go to the i was two step and i was doing step one and step 12. I believed I was powerless over alcohol and I'd help anybody else get out from under, but I wasn't working anything in the middle, you know, the meat. So it makes life difficult. Got back on my feet. Everything's going okay, and I'm at my new place, and I've got furniture again and all that kind of stuff. Sister comes over to have some coffee, and we're going to talk, and she said, Bubba, how long have you been drinking? I said, What are you talking about? She said, There's no way anybody can be living the way you've been living and not be drinking. I said、 No, I haven't had a drink, and the heat was on. See, my sister ain't real bright, but if she knows what's going on, everybody else must too. So I've got to go. I've Got to Get Out of Town, and I split. I split, had an opportunity to come to Houston, been in the carpet business for a long time, selling to apartments and all that good stuff, and that was great because, you know, all you work with women, you've got drive around smiling, flirt all day, it's a good deal, you know? You just don't get no better than that when you're young and just crazy. So I took an opportunity to come down here to get away. I had stopped at the bank. That evening's sponsor was telling me, boy, I don't think it's time for you to go. I don'T think you're ready. His wife was saying, Claudia was saying I don' t think it' s time for you to g o. I think you' re running. I said you don' T know what you' R e talking about. So what I did was I made a stop. I had gone to the bank, got every bit of little money I had out and I was going to go to Mexico that night and I was gonna finish the deal. i was going to drink myself to death that's what i was gonna do so i made a stop at the uh bay area club because i knew danny and i knew bill w and a couple other people now i told myself if danny's there and bill's there i might stay for the meeting and both of them were there when i walked in the door they were both there when i walked into the door it was the most amazing thing i ever seen in my life i sat down at this table the guy named big al cussed at me immediately never have met him before in my wife and i thought my god i'm at home you know that's how that deal worked uh walter and bill a and al invited me out to dinner that night i went had had supper with them and i was too tired to drive so i figured i'd wait till the morning you know i did what i did what I do every day when I woke up the next morning I called my sponsor because I've been calling him every single day since I've Been sober whether I catch him or not leave a message talk to him we don't talk about a very much we just talked and uh and I called bill and and I said hey look man I need a sponsor I need to go through the steps and uh that was Halloween that was halloween by the time thanksgiving rolled around oh yeah i told that one thing i was never going to tell let me tell you something my life changed almost immediately because now i was even now i had really done what i was supposed to do i was gut level honest with myself god and another human being and that's what i needed to do and that that that changed my life you know i've been talking about all this stuff for years running around telling my story this and that blah blah blah blah blah but I wasn't working it you know I just wasn't I was half stepping it things changed after that in a hurry in rapid succession wound up getting to sponsor a lot of good people and stuff like that and everything changed and I I made the tour of Texas made amends to everybody I'd messed over in sobriety and that is a lot different lot more difficult than making that first round because you know you ain't got nothing to hang it on ain't gotta nothing to hang it on but i'm a sorry uh human being you know that's how i live i lived wrong it just wasn't right and uh but i got to make all that stuff right and nothing's left undone right now i got To make my uh 10 year anniversary not long ago and and my ex-wife was there and her husband and the kids and it was great to go with an even slate and then all that stuff it was just wonderful i was at a concert one night with some friends of mine and this blonde walked by and I said, man, I'm going to have to try that out. And it turns out she was a backsliding Al-Anon and came up and talked to some of the people I knew and stuff like that. She was married at the time and I always kind of like a dirty deal, you know, just something about half wrong is right, you know what I'm saying? So we got slipping around on the side and all that good stuff and wound up getting married eventually. So So I always do things backwards, wrong, and fast. You know, that's just kind of how that goes. AA hadn't fixed me quite yet. But anyway, got to get married. She's a wonderful lady. She had a great job. Everything was going good. And she came home one day and said, I want to pursue my dream in life. I said, that'S wonderful. What is it? She said,I want to be a marriage and family therapist. And I said,,Oh, my God. And so she quit her great job and started going to school full time. And she's just happy as can be. And it's fun to be able to live and let live. I think our whole marriage is based on one thing, and that's solid constructive imperfection. We have a few short rounds every now and then, a few long rounds everynow and then. That's just the way it goes. It's by no means perfect or anything like that, but it works for us. It's kind of really abnormal, I think. But, you know, what are you going to do? It is what it is. She lets me be, and I let her be most of the time, and it works out pretty good. I have an amazing life. I really do. I think about I was home a couple of weeks ago, and I drove by that shed that I used to live in, and it's still there. And that park bench I usedと stay on, it's stiуl there. See, nothing's changed. Nothing's changed except me. And God made that possible through Alcoholics Anonymous and you people. in that order. If you want to know what, I'm going to tell you what I believe the biggest secret and the most wonderful thing about AA is and it's very simple to me, it's the people. That's where I hear the message. That's where I get my answers. It's from you. It's form you. When I was trying to get that inventory stuff done I was talking about there was a gentleman named Iron Mike. The guy that spoke last night Every time Iron Mike speaks, he said, I'm grateful God showed me mercy instead of justice. And that's what I was looking for. That's what i was looking For because justice is what I deserved and it was coming my way and I knew it And uh, I did what I Was supposed to do and I got mercy I just did Every day is not a bed of roses My life isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a far cry from what it should be and where I come from and all that kind of stuff. I'm grateful for you people. My life, I wouldn't know what to do without you. I just wouldn't. All I had to do when I got here was go to meetings. The only place I had to go. You know what? It's still the only place I've got to go, and I love every minute of it. I love giving back. I love given back. They told me early on that gratitude was an action word, and if you're grateful, you'll get off your anatomy and do something about it. You know? I don't cuss behind the podium. Really wish I could say what I wanted to say right there. But you get off your rear and you do something about it if you are grateful. Jason and I had the opportunity we get to do a wheelhouse big book study on Monday nights and it's a blast. Most nights on the way down me and him talk about it all the time and we don't feel like going. But you know when you leave you feel like a million bucks man. You feel like a million books because it ain't about looking down or looking up or anything like that. It's just about being even. It's about being with your own people. And my favorite thing in the world to do is just sitting down with another wet drunk. It's juste great. And a lot of folks are good at service work. A lot of folk are good this and that. If there's anything in the word to do, I'd rather just sit in front of a wet drunk and talk. Hey man, I know what you're going through. I've been there. I've done that. You can get out from under. I got a second chance. I got chance. All you old people get to say, oh good, a second-chance life. Well, I didn't get a second change. I just got one, period. You know, I got off to a bad start. Didn't look like it was ever going to get any better. And you guys have made all the difference. I love each and every one of you. I mean that with all my heart. I really do. If there's anything in the world I could do for you, I would. There wouldn't be no question about it. Thank you very much for having me. I appreciate it. Thank you for listening to Sober Sunrise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give it a thumbs up as it will help share the message. Until next time, have a great day.