The Transformation from Self-Centeredness to Higher Power-Centered – Sandy B.

Thank you, my friend. Yeah, that'll work. There we go. Hi, everybody. My name's Sandy Beach. I'm an alcoholic. I do better sitting down. I want to thank the committee for inviting me back. I seem to be a permanent fixture at the Florida State Convention, and it's a lot of fun. And I wanted to say that, you know, I travel around a lot, and there's a lot of people in here that go to conventions all over the place, and I've into a lot of your home groups. So I see you often. And I don't think I've ever really thanked you all for being so kind to me. It really means a lot to me that you come up and you say hello. A lot of you sent cards when my daughters went a couple years ago. And I, I don' t get a chance to thank each one of you personally but it really means a lot to me that I see your faces and we're all still sober. And it means a lot. So I just wanted to tell you that. Let's see, I got sober on December 7th, 1964. And I got sober up in the Washington, D.C. area. And I was there for, I guess, how long was I there? I don't know, but down here is 16 years. I guess I was there 35 years, and then I came down here. I found AEA very similar in both places. A lot of people move and they go, well, it's so different here than it was. But I found it very similar. I've found that both places were very enthusiastic. You handed the chips out incorrectly here. That was one mistake. And in Tampa started all their meetings at 815. Now they've since changed it to seven and other times, and I, in D.C., they were all at 830. And when I'm saying they were all at830, they were ALL at 8 30, and they just stayed that way for many, many years. And then in the modern era, people had the audacity to change AA. And they would start one at 7 or they'd start a noon meeting and old-timers would go, what the hell are you doing? You're ruining AA. But I was always curious how in God's name Tampa got all their meetings at 8.15. I mean, 8.30, 9, 8, but 8. 15, that would be like 8.12 or something like that. And I've never heard an answer on that except my guess is that the original old timers one of them said what time should we have our meeting he says I don't get out of work until 7.15 8.15 is the earliest I can be there ok so then anybody who started a meeting well I guess we start them at 8. 15 so we better do that it's amazing how things like that start and 35 years later we're still chugging along under the same thinking that there was a very good reason for it I grew up in New Haven, Connecticut, and I was born in 1931. And when I was 10, World War II started, and they had a big polio epidemic, and i got polio. and that was back when doctors made house calls. So our family doctor came out and I remember him coming in and I was very sick and I couldn't bend my neck and, you know, your muscles all tighten up. So he had a long talk with my parents out in the hall. You know when you're left out of the conversation there's something serious going on. And they came back in and then they said, well, you're going to have to go in the car right now, go down to the hospital. And they pushed you into the quarantine area and nobody could come in there. And for the first day it was kind of scary. And the funny thing is kids are really funny. We were all scared the first Day and then the second Day the joker in the crowd started making us all laugh. And then the next guy was doing this and then we were playing games on how to trick the nurse, and you could only visit out the window in the parking lot. So we had secret messages. We'd have little airplanes and send a message down to our parents. So it's amazing how fast this group united and picked up the spirits of everybody. I'm making the comparison to AA. You had this big threat, but you had a group handling it so that you felt pretty good about things. And after a month or so, I don't know how they divided this all up, but they sent a bunch of us up to Newington, Connecticut, to the Newington Home for Crippled Children. So this was already had all these children that had a lot of problems, and in came the polio people. And once again, it was scary for a while. But then I started watching these kids that had been there forever. And I remember seeing one kid run up and down the stairs on crutches. One crutch in front of him. I mean, he was going faster than people with regular legs. And I'm sharing this because there were just so many inspirational things. and I remember my parents in order to visit this is, I'm thinking back about World War II they had to wait to get an increase in their ration cards on their gasoline so they had enough gasoline to drive up there because each family had a you got these little coupons and when you went to get gas you turned them in when you ran out of coupons you didn't get any more and it was very limited unless you were a doctor or something like that and so I remember when they finally were able to come up and it was kind of nice and I was one of the lucky ones that the Sister Kenny treatment worked for there weren't that many it was none they came up with this treatment where you were they put heat on your couldn't you move this arm or right leg and they put Heat on there and then they moved it around in a certain way for physical therapy. And I got my leg came back 100%, and my arm came back about 90%. But it left an atrophy in the back, and there's a hole back here. And I have a story about that hole. When I was taking my flight physical, I had never told, you know, if you tell anybody you had polio, you're not even going to get in the Marine Corps. So I did not check the box. I don't know if I still would so I'm taking the flight physical to get into the naval aviation flight program and the doctors I can feel him, he's pushing in my back and he comes to this hole and he goes hmm I could hear him make that noise and his finger was in there and he said what's this and I said I don' t know and I heard him poking and going hmm and then he took his hand out and he said okay if it had been a different doctor I never would have got to flight school I look back there's events like that all throughout our lives where you could have gone entirely different and about six months later I almost drowned as a kid so I had a hard time swimming and we had to pass a test I did okay with the underwater things and they jump you in in a parachute and then they dump you upside down in a cockpit but this one was you had to swim up and down the pool for half a mile I was so tense in the water that I would just burn out energy so my class had all passed it And I was going every night back to the pool, and this seaman third class Navy guy, and he and I were the only ones there. And he'd go, okay, come on, Lieutenant, you can make it tonight. So I'd get in the pool. I'd start swimming. He said, try the side stroke. Try this. And so I'm trying, trying. It came down the last night, and I'm going, I'm looking at the clock. You had 30 minutes or something like that. and I realized I had one minute to go, and I had two laps. You're not going to get that done. So I finished the one lap, and I just put my head down in total disgust, and he came over and he said, nice going, Lieutenant, you made it. Now if that had been a different guy, I wouldn't have got through flight school. I guess he just said, this guy's trying so hard, I'm going to give them one free lap. And I often wonder how nice it would be to find these people and thank them. They probably had no idea what an effect they had on our lives, and I'm sure all of you have had little angels that showed up and gave you a hand. Anyway, I don't think my childhood was that different from everybody else's. I think childhoods are designed to get us off on the wrong track so that we have to be rescued later. And that goes for everybody. It's not just alcoholics. It's just that we get off onthe wrong track and then really get offon the wrongtrack. And like many people, I had an experience with church where I found it intimidating and my sister sat next to me and she loved it. And this happens so many times and we don't realize at the time that it's our perception that's causing the problem. We think this church or whatever school or whatever it is, is a terrible place because it's making us feel so uncomfortable. And I felt guilty and I felt threatened. And the whole thing just completely overpowered me, the incense and the confession and the Latin. I didn't know what they were saying. They could be talking about me before all I knew. The bad little boy is here again. But we have plans for him. and as I said my sister sat next to me and just loved it and she died last year with 35 years sobriety and she went to that church I went to her funeral and the priest was 35 years in AA and I got to talk to him and he's thinking of coming down to visit in Tampa and it was quite a nice experience and so as the more uncomfortable I got the more I was looking out there to see what was causing it and out there is you you're the ones out there and I don't know why but you were trying to make it so that I couldn't win and I couldn' succeed and you made me very nervous and you had a conspiracy going you all knew what was going on and you wouldn't tell me. You were all comfortable, you all had a million friends and I didn't. And I didn' t think it was fair and I was just, I was wracking my brain on how I could change the world so that it would be comfortable for me to be in it. And i was totally unsuccessful until I found alcohol. And And in an instant, I found the power to change the world that I lived in. Just like that. Two and a half drinks, and people that were intimidating became friendly. They didn't want to know me. Now they could. They were begging to know my name. They were looking at me like, God, if I could only know you, my whole life would change. and I could feel it and I just ran around trying to meet all these people and all my fear, my inhibitions were gone this is on two and a half drinks solved every problem I ever had I'm 19 years old and I suddenly found the answer to everything I found the answers to everything in 15 minute period and I knew that I didn't have to seek anymore I didn' t have to look any further game over booze and god you know it was so powerful I'd sit in the classroom I was still in college and I'd be uncomfortable I'd have a hard time but I'd go six more hours and then it would be the afternoon three more hours and so just knowing that in three hours I was going to go into Alice in Wonderland made the day a little more easy to handle two more hours one more hour 30 minutes bingo and then you start walking down the street i don't know about you all but as the bar came into view you know the neon sign i started i'd stand up straighter i don'T even have any alcohol in my system and i'M feeling better yeah there it is coming in and it'S just amazing and i'm just dying for a drink my system really needs a drink and i come in, and the bartender comes over, and he says, what do you want? And I said, this man was here first. Wait on him. And my body's going, are you kidding? We have an emergency down here. What are you telling him to wait on him first? You know, remember how grandiose we were and all that? And then finally when they finished with him, I said give me a triple. then everything settled down and you know our big book says our problems were removed well that's not new to me probably isn't new to you you take in all those problems into the bar and then the third drink and somebody would ask you what about all those problem you were talking about forget the problems let's live in the now got to live in the present moment man eat, drink and be merry tomorrow we could be dead well I hear you only have half the rent money and it's due tomorrow I said yeah everybody have a drink we'll spend it all tonight and we'll worry about the rent money tomorrow but today we're going to live today to its fullest. And didn't we do that? God, we really had this AA program down to a pat while we were drinking. Not that our amends were sincere. The thing I relate to in the big book when they're talking about the actor he said he was he was self-serving even while he was trying to be kind. I always related to that, trying to be kind In other words, when you're self-centered you don't know what kind is It's impossible to be kind when you are self- centered But you hear that kind people are admired So you ask around Well, what do kind people do? And then we learn it so then we do it And we act, we do some kind-looking things, but people see through us and realize we're doing it in order to get something. And I just related to that, not knowing what these words really meant, what it meant to be kind and unselfish. We were self-seeking while we were being unselflish. If I was being nice to you, I had a motive. I was going to ask you for a favor next week, so I'd butter you up first. But I wasn't saying it to make you feel good, and I wasn'T saying it because I meant it. I was saying it Because I saw a way of advancing what I needed to get done. and of course when it was a shock when my sponsor said self-centeredness is the root of our problems and I went self-centeredness I thought money was the root of my problems I had six kids and I'm broke and we're in a lot of trouble and he's saying self- centeredness and I remember going self-cendedness What the hell is self-centeredness? And he said, well, a self-centred person thinks about themselves all the time. I said, Well, yeah, I do that. And then they said, They see everything in relation to them. They're the center of everything. And I'm going, Yeah, so what's wrong with that? So it started sinking in how self- centered I really was, and it was a shock. It was just devastating. And I said to my sponsor, I'm embarrassed to tell you how self-centered I am. I thought about it last night and it just overpowered me. But don't worry, I'm going to fix it. Only a self-centred person would try to fix self- centredness on their own. He said, well, how are you going to do that? And I told him, I am going to become unself-cented. and he says, how do you do that? I think you stand over there. I'm not sure how you would become and it turns out you cannot become unself-centered on your own. Whatever you do you're still self-centered so our program offers us the answer and the answer is to become God-centered and when we do that we are now at the real center and everything looks different And that's why Chuck Chamberlain talks about a new pair of glasses. He's talking about the transformation from self-centeredness to God-centered and how different everything looks. That transformation that we do, it occurs more slowly here in AA, but it's very similar to the transformation of the third or fourth drink. Everything suddenly looks different and we feel different about it. were more comfortable. Remember when that fourth drink, I just looked around the whole bar. Sometimes after four drinks I would look at the customers in the bar and I'd start crying because of the quality of people that were there in the Bar. Their spirituality and their wholesomeness overcame me. I was so lucky to be there. Now ten drinks later There were serious fistfights and name-calling and all the wonderful people left. But at that moment, I would just be overcome with the magnitude of the situation. Anyway, very briefly, I did most of my drinking in the Marine Corps. I joined the Marine Corp with five other guys in college. The Korean draft was still on And so they all were drinking beer and said, why don't we join the Marine Corps? I said, yeah, hell yeah. And I finished my beer. We went directly down to the recruiting office, which wasn't that far away. And that recruiting sergeant was thrilled. Six guys all at once came in and said we want to join the Marines. Okay. Boy, he signed us all up. And then each – we didn't all stay together, but we all had the same experience of finding out how the Marine Corp welcomes you. It's a very interesting indoctrination into the family. And after six months of training, I fell in love with it. I just, I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the discipline. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it's the fact that we all were on the same team, but I really loved it. And I saw a movie about pilots and I thought that looked even better. I signed up for flight school. I made it down here to Pensacola. I got married. I went through flight school in 18 months. I was still drinking, but there was so much excitement and so much studying and so many things to be doing that the drinking was mostly on weekends. I don't know how it got subdued long enough to go through and get reasonably high grades and not have any accidents. Part of that is luck. And eventually, in Corpus Christi, Kingsville, Texas, we got into jets and got our wings and got sent to El Toro, California, for Marine Corps fighter training in the old F-9s. Those old people might remember the Cougars and the Panthers from Korea, the blue jets that were in the bridges on Toko-Ri. That was a neat little airplane. and living on Balboa Island wasn't bad either and we traveled up to El Toro and at the time between Balboа Island and El Torо was almost solid orange groves there was a big canyon and we drove through it and I think I told this story recently but I still get a kick out of it they were opening Disneyland which is right near El Tor0 and I remember being in the club with this other guy And he said, they're opening Disneyland. And I said, well, what's that? And they said, they've got this thing right around the corner. They built a castle and Mickey Mouse is in the parking lot and he greets everyone. I said Mickey Mouse greets everyone? Who the hell is going to go see Mickey Mouse? I mean, it sounded preposterous. so we had a couple more drinks and he said let's go over so we drove over and it was early and that parking lot must have held 5,000 cars I don't know it was enormous but one little corner had cars in it and the rest didn't and there was some little tram or something that took us out there's Mickey hi And I'm going, Jesus. And there was a castle and it looked like there were some rides. And I said, Mickey, where do you get a drink around here? And he said, we don't have alcohol in the earth. See you later, Mickey. we were driving out of the parking lot and I remember my buddy and I both said if Walt Disney thinks he's going to fill that parking lot he's got another thought coming so I wrote off Disneyland as a terrible idea that's why I didn't succeed in business So we went overseas, and the war was over, and I had a great time, met a lot of wonderful people. I had 14 years in the Marine Corps. I lost my career to drinking, which I regret very much, but I got AA out of it, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. And I think I've mentioned this. I didn't get promoted to major. You have to get promoted if you're going to stay in for 20 years. So I had 14 and didn't make it the first year, didn't made it the second year. So now I'm out. It's just a deal. You get an honorable discharge, but you're gone. And I had been going to meetings every night. And now I am out in the dirt with my six kids. And I was thinking about it at home. When you have these deep problems, you don't want to bring them up to your sponsor. He'll take them away from you. He won't let you think about them at all. And if you can't think about him, you can'T turn them into huge events. So according to my way of thinking, going to a meeting every night for two years and getting thrown out of the Marine Corps meant that God hated me. this new God that I'm going to trust. And I'm not going to... So I was very upset. I was just beside myself, meeting every night, throwing out of the Marine Corps. They just didn't go. And I remember going to meetings. Somebody said, anybody got a topic? I never raised my hand to have a topic. I haven't done it in 40 years. But I raised my hands that night. They said, well, what topic do you want to talk about? And I said, getting thrown out of the Marine Corps. He said, Sandy, that's not a good topic. It's not really something anybody... I don't care. It's my topic and it's driving me crazy. I need some feedback. And I figured once I announced I was being thrown out the Marine Corp that AA would help me. Somebody with a corporation would go, are you available? I have a vice president slot in marketing $50,000 a year expense account in the Buick would that be alright Sandy would we help you out something like that I would consider good advice but the advice I got was very strange it was just say the serenity prayer it will make you feel better double up on your meetings you've got a lot of time help new people. Take your mind off yourself. Say the prayer of St. Francis. He took a vow of poverty. And I went home that night and I said, I did not explain my situation very clearly to get advice like that. Surrender prayer, double up on your meetings. Little did I know that it matters not what the problem is. That's what you're going to hear. You could find out you're gonna die. You could just get divorced. You could lose a leg in an accident. Just lost a leg... Oh, say the serenity prayer. Double up on your meetings. We'll get you a wheelchair. Help the new person. Don't feel bad about yourself. Prayer of St. Francis. I mean, so we know one thing that in AA, we just have one solution for all problems. And it's a very powerful solution that involves God. And it has been going on for a lot of years. And we should be used to that because before we got here, we had one solution for all the problems. I don't ever remember saying to myself, oh my God, here is a terrible situation. situation, I won't be drinking over. This one I'll handle sober. I didn't know how to handle a situation sober. I had no idea how to handle anything. So I got a warrant or something and the males show up at the sheriff's or whatever it was. I was panic stricken. I said, what do you do when you get this? What do you I don't know, but I will shortly. Go out to the kitchen. One, two, three. Let's see. Tear it up. Who cares? But I made a decision. I mean, you just... So eventually, as I said, I lost that career. I ended up in a mental institution. That's where I found AA. And the biggest gift I got out of all of this was my sponsor. And unlike Bob, we had sponsors for a long time. Yours was how many, 45? 43, and mine was 42 years. And what a blessing to have a relationship with someone that long. and eventually become friends. And we just helped each other with problems. And I would call him, and he would call me, and if he didn't know the answer, he would called somebody with more sobriety. And I still do that to this day. If somebody calls me, and I don't know, I'll call Bob or I'll Call Clancy, I'll somebody call Tom, and I'll go, have you run across this situation? And that's the beauty of this program. our egos don't get in the way so that we have to come up with the answer ourselves we're free to call somebody and say I don't know but I think I know somebody who does now I don' t tell them that I got the answer from someone else I like them to think their sponsor is infallible and wise and all that but if they listen to this talk they're going to be greatly disappointed so Bill set me Bill Twilliger was my sponsor and he set me on this path when you start on this path you have no idea where it's going because you can't see beyond today but we do have hints from people who've been here a long time and they tell us marvelous stories of their early years and the challenges that they faced. And we look at them, and they're living proof of the power of God. And so even though we don't have a connection with the higher power, we're forced into admitting that there's other people whose lives have been greatly affected by this spiritual connection. and so there's two forces that drive us towards this ultimate solution which is a power greater than ourselves that most of us end up calling God because a power great than ourselves takes forever to say and even the strongest ego finally goes okay I'll use God I know I look bad but I'm going to finally say it I said I'd never say it, but I'm going to say it. I think eight years is the record if you're curious. And then you realize I could have done that the first week. And so these two forces are one is attraction and one is alcohol. And alcohol is saying to us, if you don't change your mind and start to believe that there is something such as a power greater than yourself, you're going to suffer greatly. You are not going to make it. And that's the dilemma that's in the second step in the big book, in the chapter of the agnostic. We have a spiritual illness which only a spiritual experience can conquer. And I remember reading that, and my sponsor wanted me to get the full impact of it. Do you see where you are? You have a spirit. You have an illness that only a spirit can conquer." And I said, I don't believe in spiritual experiences. And he said, Oops, you're screwed. we don't have a non-spiritual answer. And I said, well, then what's going to happen to me? You change your mind. You get rid of your old stupid ideas that there's no such thing as spirituality and there's not such thing as a higher power and you get an open mind and you find out what happens. Nobody's saying you have to believe right now. All you have to do is accept the reality of your situation, which is you better change your mind soon or something bad's going to happen. It's almost like the mafia comes out and says, why don't you start praying? Okay. Okay. We made a deal that we couldn't turn down. And that's when I just said, all right, okay, okay. What do you want me to do? I want you to have an open mind about a higher power, and I want you to try praying. And I'm going, praying to what? To whatever will hear it. Okay, I'm gonna try praying and I remember praying, and one of my prayers was I pray that prayer doesn't work because if it does, I am going to look bad. I've been bad-mouthing prayer for 25 years. What if I pray and it works? Everybody will go, ha-ha, you're a jerk, ha ha, I didn't want to experience that. Isn't that silly? Our pride just going, I hope prayer doesn't work. Well we all know that eventually prayer has an amazing power on us. First of all it's blocking out the normal negative thinking that is sitting there all the time. And the second thing it does, it calms us down to the point where we start to realize that maybe there's something else present that we weren't aware of. We don't know what it is, but we're starting to have an awareness that there's nothing around us that's been there all along that we hadn't noticed before. I sometimes remember back in the old days when the hotels had reading rooms. And if you were waiting for somebody, you could go in there. They had a lot of nice books and big easy chairs, and you could just pick a book out and wait for the train to come in with your friend or whatever it was. And so I remember going in there and looking around, and I said, wow, I'm the only one in here. And I got a book, and I'm reading about 20 minutes. Suddenly I realized there was someone else in the room. And I went up and looked around. And by God, there was a guy back in the corner that I hadn't noticed before. So I sat there for 20 minutes, and then I became aware that someone else was there. To me, that's kind of how God appears. I suddenly become aware that there's something else going on that I wasn't aware of before. But I cannot experience this awareness when I'm disturbed. I can't be angry and resentful and all that, so that's why our steps are designed to help us get rid of all these things that are causing a disturbance so that we can finally become aware of our true nature, or at least the beginning of it. And I think it's captured so well at the end of the promises when it says we suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. To me, that's the best description of a spiritual awakening. Here you are. You've had no clue about God at all. Maybe you got about ten months. Maybe you've got two years. And you suddenly realize that God's doing all this. It's not a bunch of coincidences. you were personally contacted and you had this experience and this experience is AA's definition of God until you have the experience it's just a theory after you have the experienced it's a certainty and that's in the beginning of the big book the absolute certainty that our creator has entered our hearts and lives in a way that's indeed miraculous. So it's no longer faith, it's beyond faith, it's certainty, it is an awakening, it is a spiritual experience, very personal. And so if you're new, this is the target. Sobriety isn't the name of the game, this spiritual experience is the name of the name. If you want to get sober, punch a cop. You'll have 30 days sobriety before you know it. Now, we have to stay sober in order to have the spiritual experience. And we can do that with the meetings and our friends and all of that. But this is the turning point, the transformation that takes place in everyone. And the reason it's so important is when these transformations take place and we can maintain them, there's nothing for alcohol to fix. And if there's nothing for alcohol to fix, it's pretty easy to not drink. What do I need a drink for? There's nothing for it to fix. Or, I know I can fix this without alcohol. I'll call my sponsor. He'll give me the way out of this. I remember when my daughter was murdered and I got all the cards from all you people and I had had the experience of seeing other people handle this and how they forgave the person right away and how They went to God and assured God that this would not change how they felt about Him. Those lessons were implanted in me 20 years earlier and they all paid off and were very, very powerful. So the program enables us to be reasonably comfortable through any situation that life gives us And then we can serve as an example for the next person coming along who's going to encounter the same situation. Now, the most important thing is, of all these things, as I'm getting down to the end of the time, is to make sure that while this is all happening, you have a tremendous amount of fun. So if you're in a home group where they don't laugh, get the hell out of there now. Whoa. No, no. You don't want to stay there much longer. I remember we had a bunch of pilots when I got sober. This guy was a World War II pilot and was a prisoner of war with the Nazis. And I think he gave them so much trouble they released him or something. He was just a terrible guy. and his adage was you know, when he'd wrap up his talks he was a very dynamic big guy and we all went to hear these lawyers they were funny as hell and he would wrap it up with okay, here's the thing if you're new don't drink go to meetings do the steps get a higher power and stay the hell away from the sad asses that was And I think that's damn good advice. Because this is, when we think of our theme, the joy of living, when we absolutely insist on enjoying life, we're not a glum lot. This is designed to enable us to deal with life-threatening situations. Alcoholism is a fatal disease with a lot of fun while we're doing it. And we laugh at ourselves, and we tell stories about how stupid we were and the crazy things that we did. And everyone in the room laughs because they did crazy things, and we're not doing them anymore. And we're so happy that the co-founders gave us this gift that we're going to pass on to many, many people in the future. And it's been an honor being with you all, and I thank you all for being my friends. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.