The Traditions as Spiritual Principles for the Individual – Tina A.

My name's Tina, and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm really grateful to be here and be sober tonight, and welcome to anybody who's new or relatively new to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am really, really excited to be her, and I want to thank Lenore for asking me to come and share this evening. It's an honor and a privilege to be asked to speak in a meeting of Alcoholic Anonymous before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous there was a long period in my life where anywhere that I went I was not invited back so the fact that I came in here and my very first meeting of AA you guys told me to keep coming back it just excited the hell out of me and so I did that and I've been continuing to keep coming back since the 10th day of October 1984 and I don't know about you but that impresses the hell out of you and that's what got me I am so grateful to be sober. My mom is grateful I'm sober. My husband and my kids are grateful I'M sober. The Manhattan Beach Police Department are grateful I'M SOBER. The Torrance Police Department, Lenox Sheriff's Department, I could go on and on and on. But I love Alcoholics Anonymous, and I can tell you that I crawled in here at the ripe old age of 20, and I haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink since the first time I came to Alcoholics Anonymous on my own because I wanted to be here. I hung out in here for a long, long time saying that I never found it necessary to pick up a drink since my first meeting of AlcoholicsAnonymous and I figured out about 15 years sober that that just wasn't the truth. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. But I had made a couple of little pit stops in AA at someone else's request And I wasn't here because I wanted to be. I wasn'T here because I thought I had a problem with alcohol. I was here because other people thought I HAD a problem with alcohol and I was trying to appease them so they would leave me alone. But to share a little bit, God, I need a podium to hide behind or something. To share a Little bit about what it used to be like, what happened and what it's like today. I can tell you that before I ever picked up a drink of alcohol, I desperately needed a drink Of alcohol. I remember being in the kindergarten and going to school and feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin and not having anybody in my life that really drank in a way that I could see the release that they got from a drink. I didn't know that what I needed was a drink until I found one later. But I used to do bizarre, crazy things long before I ever found alcohol. In the kindergarten, I wanted this little kid's toy during our show-and-tell period, so I took it. And going home in the afternoon with the little toy, I knew I had done something wrong. So I hid in my room and I played with it all day. And I was supposed to go to school the next day and I knew it was going to get in trouble. So, I ditched kindergarten and hung out in the park all day until noon and then went back over to my babysitter's house. And I got in trouble for stealing the toy. I had to take it into the principal's office and tell him what I had been doing. And my whole class knew that I had stolen this little boy's toy, and I just felt like a creep. And that was kind of thematic of the way that I felt since I can remember. I just feel like a freak. I didn't fit in. I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. I felt different than everybody, and I was sure that you guys were all looking at me and feeling that I was the way that I thought I was. And I was just uncomfortable. We moved from that elementary school over to this little beach community in Southern California called Manhattan Beach and everybody in the school had long blonde hair and they all looked like little pre Pamela Anderson's and Baywatch and they ran around with their tan and their blue eyes and I had long stringy red hair, buck teeth and freckles. I was a foot taller than everybody else in my class and I looked at those girls and I thought like how beautiful they were and I felt like Pippi Longstocking and there was just something about me that was just never okay no matter what was going on in my life. I'd like to tell you that that's not the case today, but a lot of times that's still the case today and what Alcoholics Anonymous has done is given me the opportunity and the resources to turn off that old tape so it only lasts for a minute and I'm really, really grateful for that. But I went to this elementary school in Manhattan Beach and I felt so different from everybody else. I excelled in school, I did really well And I had a stepfather du jour, and he was really proud of some of the things that I was doing. And so I excelled in a lot of these things that made him proud of me. Because all I really wanted was somebody to go, you know what? You're okay, and I'm proud of you. And I would do anything to have somebody do that or to get somebody's attention. And so, I did these thingsthat made my dad proud ofme. And I excellED in school, andI took a lotof dance classes, and I did these recitals, and I had a lot of fun. But in school, around those other kids, I just felt so completely different. I remember in the probably third or fourth grade, I felt so creepy. I went into my mom and dad's closet, and I took, you know those books that have all of those old antique coins, and they press in, and they're by date, and the years are cataloged in separate books? And I went through these books, and I stole nickels and dimes and quarters at a time, and I took them all to school and bought everybody ice cream for 15 cents on Friday. Because I would do anything to make these kids make me think that I was okay, and they would eat the ice cream and then go on, and it would never, never, ever change the way that I felt inside. But I kept trying. Anyways, I went through elementary school and nothing ever worked. I went into middle school and I found this girl named Carrie, and we decided one day that we were going to hang out at her house, ditch school, and drink because it worked so well the first time I figured I would try it again. And I was in the seventh grade, I cut school, we went over to her house and we dove into a bottle of her mom's scotch. And I hated the taste of it. I remember the scotch went in my mouth, it tasted horrible, it burnt, and I was committed to not drinking but not letting her know that I wasn't drinking. And I covered up the mouth of the bottle so that I didn't get any of that in my month and I pretended like I was drinking and Carrie was drinking and I watched her face get a little pink and she started giggling and she was having a good time And I knew that I wanted what she had, and I uncovered the mouth of the bottle, and I slugged down some of that scotch quickly so that I could catch up with her, of course. And I remember just this incredible burn all the way down to my toes. It was just horrific. And then that glow spread all theway back up into my face, and something magic happened from that very, very first time that I picked up a drink of alcohol. And the only way that I know how to describe that magic is like, you know, my hair straightened a little bit and my teeth shrunk and my boobs grew. And oh my God, I found the magic elixir. I don't know what the hell happened now, but I found the magic delixir to life in that first drink that I took off of that scotch bottle. And we drank a lot more that day. We hung out in the house all day long slugging down the scotch. And about 2 o'clock in the afternoon, the school had called my mom. She was banging on Carrie's door because she just figured out precisely where I was at. And we jumped out the back window with the scotch bottle, and we were cutting through backyards and climbing the water tower and in the city yard. And we were just on this fantastic grand adventure, and I was having more fun than I had ever had in my whole life. And about 4 o' clock, I knew that I couldn't go home because I was in more trouble than I had ever been in in my life. And the only logical solution to the problem that I found myself in was to take Carrie's nine-year-old brother and run away from home. And I tell that story because it's kind of thematic of the way that I drank. I forgot to mention that I puked all over her living room earlier in the afternoon. I might have thrown up on her, too, because she didn't talk to me for a little while. It could have been because I kidnapped her brother, but I'm not sure. and there were large gaps missing in my memory banks from the afternoon. But I took this little nine-year-old boy and we stole a bicycle from the continuation school and wrapped a chain around my neck and we were off with this little kid on the handlebars and I made it to East L.A. about 10 or 11 o'clock in the evening. It was cold and we Were hungry and East L, A. was a little scary and so we ditched the bike in a dumpster and called the cops and went home. And that was the first time that I remember seeing this absolutely devastated look on my mom's face. And for a minute, it really, really bothered me. But in the morning, I couldn't wait to do it again. And, you know, I hear so many people in Alcoholics Anonymous talk about crossing over the invisible line from social drinking into alcoholism. And the only thing that I can tell you is that there was no invisible line for me. And there was not crossing over anything. I drank straight alcohol, straight out of the bottle. I threw up, I blacked out, I got in trouble. I lost any ability to think rationally about consequences of my actions and anything that popped into my head, I took off and did. And I drank like that from the seventh grade until I quit drinking at 20 years old. And so that was maybe a period of about eight years. During that time, I drank myself into and out of Maricosta High School and I did that in about a year. I drank myself into and out of Pacific Shores Continuation School and I didn't drink myself up. And I did it in about six months. My counselor knew there was no way he was going to be able to get me to go to school and do the things that I was supposed to do, even though it was like a three-hour period in the day. I could show up drunk. I could smoke on campus. I could do anything I wanted as long as I was there and I would graduate and I just could not show up. and so I took the GED in the middle of my 10th grade year and I figured that I was going to go to college because I was so intelligent there's a part in the big book that talks about being able to float above the rest of you on our brain power alone and I was certain that had I read that at the time I would have related because that was me that's the way that I felt about me I thought high school was boring there was nothing there that I needed the people sucked and I just couldn't hang so I left And my mom didn't really want to mortgage her house so that I could go to college. It was, you know, late 1970s and maybe the movie Animal House had just come out and I wanted to major in toga parties and she didn't think it was a good idea. So anyways, I ended up going to El Camino College, a little community college, and I drank myself into and out of that relatively quickly. And I did the same thing there that I did at high school. I showed up in the morning. I went to the bleachers or the wall or the parking lot or wherever it was on whatever campus I was going to where they hung out and I did things in the morning that made it absolutely impossible for me to show up to my first period class and I would leave campus and so I had no credits and I wasn't doing anything I had a lot of incompletes but I was hanging out at the beach and I was drinking a lot and I got this fantastic job and I Was making more money than I had ever made in my life I was working the drive-thru window at the local Burger King, and I couldn't show up there either. You know, they would let me work later in the afternoon so I didn't have to get up in the morning, and they tried everything to accommodate me so that I could show up, andI just couldn't do it. And I don't know about you guys, but that's kind of thematic of me when I'm drinking. I just cannot show up. I might be able to muster one or two or three days in a row together, but after that, it's pretty much all over. But I was at the Burger King one day, and I was hanging out the drive-thru windows. One of my friends had driven up, and I was smoking alcohol out of a pipe, because this is Alcoholics Anonymous, right? So I like to drink alcohol and smoke alcohol. I snorted a lot of alcohol. I fried on alcohol. I shot alcohol. I love alcohol. I don't think I stole that from Giovanna I think that's the funniest shit I've ever heard in my life that's what we do in A I gotta tell you there's absolutely nothing that I have that's original everything that I know, everything that works for me in my live, I ripped off from you because that's how I know how to do things but I was hanging out the window and I was doing unmentionables through the drive-thru window and I turned around and there was this Marine Corps recruiter standing at the counter and he was all dressed up in his dress uniform and I was not altogether in my right mind. And I informed him that I, what any rational thinking normal person would tell a Marine recruiter, that I've always wanted to join the Army. And that's not what he did. But he did end up with my phone number. His name was Sergeant Dale Starkey. He was really cute, and I gave him my number. And he did not recruit me into his United States Marine Corps. He did, however, call me every morning early, early, early and wake me up. Some mornings I wasn't up yet. Some warnings I just drug myself into the house. And finally one day I went down to the recruiting office to get him to shut up and leave me alone. And and he found out that I had taken this GED and that I didn't qualify to be in his United State's Marine Corps so he took me next door to the United States Navy Recruiting Office, and the 21st of December in 1981 I found myself getting off a bus in Orlando, Florida with people grabbing my stuff and screaming in my face, and I intuitively knew that there had been a really, really big mistake made. Now I've got to tell you, I don't know about you guys, but I'm a quick thinker. I come up with stuff on the spot and I just knew in the morning, as soon as I could talk to somebody in charge, I was going to be able to finagle my way out of the situation. And that's not what happened. And so I sat on the recruits and processing barracks in Orlando, Florida until well after the new year because I was the only dumbass that would go to Orlando four days before Christmas. And I got to tell you, it was a really good thing. I wasn't feeling too good. I was a little sick all the time. I couldn't hold anything in my stomach. I wasn't sleeping right, and I just didn't feel good. And anyways, I made it through boot camp, and I only met my commanding officer one time. That's not a good thing. You don't want to meet the commanding office or your boot camp. But around the fifth week, we were doing our work week all over the base. We went and did different things. We worked in the chow hall, and we went and scraped or painted or we did whatever we were going. And I was working in the vegetable prep room, and the nice gentleman that I was working with brought me a six-pack of beer. And I drank it, and I got in trouble. And then my commanding officer almost got set back. Got in a lot of trouble because they don't like you to drink alcohol in boot camp. But anyways, I ended up graduating with my company, and I went off to A school to Pensacola, Florida. And I was in naval intelligence. I was going to be a cryptologic technician. And so I was in Pensacola, Florida. I was going to school and one day all my friends were having a party in the quad and I was on duty. I was working in the bachelor enlisted quarters in the office where they assign the rooms. And it was a duty weekend. I wasn't allowed to drink or leave base or do anything all weekend. And my friends felt really sorry for me, so they were bringing me cans of this stuff called Mojo into the office. And so, I was drinking it out of a 7-Up can And I got really drunk. I finished my watch. I thought it would be a good idea to go to the beach. And a couple days later, I met the commanding officer of the Naval Technical Training Center in Pensacola. And he took some of my money and he put me in the restricted barracks for a little while. I was 17 years old. I'd been in trouble twice in just a couple-month period. And I was just a complete mess-up. And I've got to tell you that I really, really did not want to get in trouble and do the things that I was doing. And it wasn't until I came into AA and I read the big book where it says that at a certain time we lose the power of choice and drink, did I understand how come I drank. I never understood. There were so many times in my life that I would go, I'm not going to do this. And by noon I was doing it. And I didn't want to be doing it." But anyways, I ended up graduating. I got all the security clearances that I needed to do my job. and they sent me to my first duty station, which was Adak, Alaska. I pissed off somebody. It's a little Aleutian island out off the Kamchatka Strait in Russia and during the Cold War era, that's where they needed people in naval intelligence. And so they stationed me on this little ice-covered rock and I hung out there for a little while and I did my best to do my job. I was secretary to our commanding officer for a Little Bit. I got to meet him in a different way first. And then I worked in the supply department, and then they put me in the chow hall. And I just did a whole bunch of things, most of which had absolutely nothing to do with my job because I had these top-secret security clearances, and I couldn't be trusted with the information that I was supposed to be disseminating and sending to wherever I was exposed to send it to. But I was doing my best, and it's so funny. I was looking at, not too awful long ago, at one of the evaluations that I got from my executive officer. And it's this glowing report about what a fantastic job I do, about how smart I appear in uniform, and how I can do anything with a minimal amount of training, and just how awesome I am. And then at the bottom of it, it said, but she's not recommended for further advancement. And then it went on to talk about exhibiting problems with alcohol and arranging emotions from ebulency to depression. And that was me all over my life. I was here or I was there. It was black or it was white, and there was nothing, nothing, Nothing in the middle. And there were violent swings from ebullency to Depression and from black to white. There was just no gray area for me. but I hung out on that island and I did crazy, insane bizarre things under the influence of alcohol. We didn't have a lot to do on ADAC. There was a bowling alley, there was a ceramic shop and there was an EM club and I didn't like ceramics and changing my shoes took too much effort so I hung out in the EM club and I drank in the Chiefs club a lot because I was young and cute and I knew how to jitterbug and the Chief's just loved that They were kind of old, and they would drink with me and sling me all over the dance floor when I was in. And it was all good. I had kind of a good time. There were these old Quonset huts on the island, and they were from World War II. And so you could find an old Quanset hut and adopt it and fix it up, and that would be your party hut until you left the island. And most of them were already inhabited, and people had adopted them and fixed them up. And so on Friday and Saturday nights, the party would move to these different Quonsets huts. And what I found was that after a little while, people forgot to tell me what hut they were going to be in. And so I would go out looking for them. You guys remember that? Like nobody would tell me where the party is and I got to find the party and you guys are hiding from me. Or that's the way it seemed anyway. So I would get walking around ADAC down these dirt, icy roads looking for the party. And one night I got the brilliant idea. I saw headlights coming and I laid down in the middle of the road. because if there's a lump in the road, obviously whoever's driving the vehicle is going to stop and see what happened. And so invariably I ended up in the car and we found the party and that worked a couple times after a little while they would drive around the lump inthe road and just leave me laying there. So, you know, I don't know. I endedup going through the counseling, the CAC center there, that's the Command Alcohol Counseling Center and I met this little senior chief named Mike Lenahan And I hated that man. I absolutely hated him, and he was trying to get me to look at my relationship with alcohol. And I was maybe 18, just barely, maybe not 18. I was 17 when I enlisted, and he Was trying to Get Me to Look at the Way That I Drank, and I Didn't See a Problem With It at All. And I've got to tell you, people all through my life would tell me that I had a problem with alcohol, and I would think that they were absolutely insane because the reason that I had a problem was when I didn't drink alcohol. I absolutely could not stand the way that I felt inside. The thoughts in my head drove me crazy. After a little while, my freaking hair would hurt and I just needed a drink. And so to not drink for a little While, I became stark raving sober, which absolutely required a drink You guys got to know that. but I went to this little counselor and he used to just tell me stupid stuff like have you ever had a complete memory lapse as a result of drinking and I would tell him everybody I know has had memory lapses as a results of drinking and so he would tell me that everybody you know is an alcoholic and I thought he was just the stupidest little man I'd ever met in my life dumb questions have you every woke up with somebody you didn't know and can't remember how you got there Like, duh, who hasn't done that? You know? I'm in the Navy, baby. You know, they used to call us waves, and the female sailors were waves, and they'd tell the guys, join the Navy. Ride the waves. And it became a little politically incorrect, so they changed it to win, women in the navy. If you ended up with me, you weren't winning, let me tell you. But anyways, I went to this counseling center, and I was talking to this counselor. He put me on Anabuse, and I was trying, you guys. I can't tell you how hard I was trying. I really liked being in the Navy, and when they let me do my job, I really dug doing that. But I couldn't not drink, and one day a buddy of mine was walking down the corridor with a six-pack of Heineken, and I told him what he was on Anibuse 2. Go figure? so I go what are you doing he goes I'm experimenting and I got through half a Heineken and oh my god my face turned blister beet red I got so sick I think I threw up for 12 straight hours my toenails must have been in the remnants oh I was so sick and I showed up a couple days later to my counseling session had big splotches all over my face I had this horrible rash going on and abuse and alcohol don't mix if you've not tried that I would highly recommend you just skip it. But I went to this counseling session, and the little weaselly guy sat across the desk from me, and he goes, what happened to you? And I told him, because I told you I'm quick, you know. I thought a friend of mine had had the chicken pox, and he didn't buy it. They don't look like chicken pocks. But anyways, he sent me over to the hospital at Elmendorf Air Force Base in Anchorage, Alaska. And they have a really nice psych unit on the 7th floor. Anybody here been in the psych unit? Come on, don't make me feel lonely. Right on. I spent a couple weeks in Elmendorf and you know what? I liked it. It's the first time I ever went someplace and I sat down and I just kicked it for a minute and I got the same that I got from that first drink of alcohol. I had a really great psychiatrist, and he realized that I was a little neurotic. He put me on some kind of little blue pills that were just phenomenal. There were great people in there. We had superb conversations in the day room. Good food. If you've never eaten in an Air Force chow hall, Air Force is the way to go for the food. Navy food sucks. Air Force food's pretty good. Did I say something to offend you? They must be in the Air Force I'm sorry No, I'm not I don't know I'm a fan of Clancy And he's kind of a jerk When people get up and walk in and out of rooms I love it when the phone rings And he asks you if your liver's come in That's where I stole that one from Gotta get the phone But anyways, they sent me from that From that psych unit They diagnosed me with, I don't even remember, some kind of stupid stuff that meant nothing to me at the time. But they sent me back to ADAC and they left me on Anabuse and I was going to go do my job some more. They said that I was a little, not, I Don't Even Remember. But I went back there and I had made the decision when I went back to Alaska that I wasn't going to drink anymore. And that just didn't work. I was back there for a short period of time. I drank on Anibuse some more and before I knew it, I was being medevaced to Philadelphia to the Naval Regional Medical Center for Alcoholic Rehabilitation Center. And I was 18 years old, and I was humiliated. Everybody on the island knew about me because I'm a legend in my own mind, right? But I used to do really stupid stuff, so it's kind of hard not to know about me. And I would make up these bizarre stories and just tell them to you like they were really the truth. And one time I made up this story, I had the Naval Intelligence Service running all over the island looking for a civilian contractor that wasn't stationed there. But I told you I'd do anything to get a little bit of attention, and I did a lot of really bizarre stuff for some attention. But anyways, I went to this rehab, and by this time they had known that I drank on anabuse. They caught me sticking it under my tongue and spitting it out a couple times, just in case the opportunity ever presented itself for me to have a drink. I didn't want to have anabuse in my system. So they caught me, and they started crushing the tablets up and liquefying them and making me drink the liqueified anabUSE. And we had been there for a couple weeks, and we went to this Phillies game one Sunday. It was our little outing field trip thing. And me and this buddy of mine, his name was Mike, and he stood about 6'5", and he was probably 300 pounds. He was a big old strapping guy. And I weighed about 125 pounds, and we both went to the bathroom and figured we'd suck down one of those big old beers they used to sell at the stadium. And by volume, the top half is bigger. So he drank the first half and I drank the second half because in my brilliant alcoholic mind, I thought I was going to make a difference. And I just made it back to my seat and I sat down and it got unseasonably warm in Philadelphia that April or May or whatever the heck month it was. It got so hot and my face turned blood red and I didn't feel too good. And I got sick in Philly Stadium. My spray puked about five rows. And it's funny now, but I guarantee you there was nobody sitting in Phилли Stadium during that day that thought it was very funny, at least that was in the range. You know, outside of the range, it might have been a little bit funny. My counselor didn't think it was too funny. I didn't feel like it was funny. I didn' t think it wa s too funny today. I laugh about it, but whatever. Anyway, I ended up getting kicked out of that rehab without graduating. And I was devastated. They sent me over to the Naval Station in Philly to wait for my separation, and I didn't want kicked out from the Navy. I was 18 years old, and they discharged me. My DD-2 says failure to complete alcoholic rehabilitation, chronic alcoholism. And I couldn't for the life of me understand where they had come up with that information. I don't know. You know, I was in there, and they were trying to get me to look at the way that I drank alcohol and the relationship that I had with booze, and I was just incapable of doing it. But I was certain when I left that rehab I was not going to drink and I wasn't going to go over to the Naval Station. I was going to try and save my career. And my counselor caught me that morning as I was leaving, and he told me, if you ever want to get sober, call Alcoholics Anonymous, but you won't, you'll die a drunk. And he was this little tiny man named Jim, andI love that man. And I was certain that I was going to go over there. I was not going to drink. I was gonna go to the neighborhood Alano Club in Philly, and I was gunna ask this really nasty wench named Alice to be my sponsor, because you gotta have a nasty wenche for a sponsor. I found one later. But I never made it over to the Neighborhood Alano club. I checked into the Bachelor Enlisted quarters, and by noon I was in the EM club bouncing quarters and drinking beer on Anabuse one more time in trouble. and I spent a couple months at the naval station there in Philly and I did really bizarre stuff like leave the base on Friday and we'd be drinking champagne and strawberries and having carriage rides and then I'd be AWOL until Wednesday and wake up in Delaware with people I didn't know and couldn't remember how I got there and that's the way that I drank I spent from July of 83 to October of 84 crossing every moral line that I ever set for myself I had all of these things that I said made me not an alcoholic, and if I ever get there, I'll quit drinking. If I ever do this, I'm going to quit drinking and if ever look like that, I will quit drinking." And I did all of them. And October 10th of 1984 or somewhere around there, that's the date my sponsor and I picked because I really can't tell you what my sobriety date is and neither could he. I was sitting in this car and I had a big 1.75 liter bottle of vodka sitting in the seat next to me because that's where it sat. And I was drinking the vodka, and just like he was sitting in the seat next to me, I heard Jim say, if you ever want to get sober, call Alcoholics Anonymous. But you won't. You'll die drunk. And I got out of the car, and I picked up the phone, and I called central office. And this little man named Sam answered the phone. Huh? This little man name Sam answered the phone and he saved my life. He sent me over to the Southwest Alano Club in Hawthorne, California. I don't know why he picked Birch. I don' t know how come he knew I was an alcoholic. He covered up the mouthpiece of the phone and he told Eunice, who was the central office manager, we got a live one here, let's send her to Birch and I don''t know how came he knew. I put on my best, uh-oh, 10 minutes, my best I'm okay voice and I was going to go in there and I made him think I was all right. I was living in this little two-seater MG Midget so I was actually sitting in my den when I was drinking that bottle of vodka And I went over to that club. I stopped by Boys Market and stole a pad of paper and a pencil so I could write down any pertinent information that I might need and then leave you guys. And I walked into that meeting, and I sat down and was writing the steps down on a piece of paper, and this woman named Connie came up and scribbled across the paper, having admitted to our innermost selves that we're real alcoholics, this is the first step in recovery. And the only thing I wanted to do was hit her. She messed up my paper. She invaded my personal space. I wasn't much of a woman kind of person, and so she didn't look right. But I stayed there. I don't know how come. I heard in my very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous this guy named Tom Woods. I don'T remember it like the first meeting, but he said at every meeting for 10 years until he died. And he said, I'd like to welcome our new friends to the Fellowship of Alcoholic Anonymous and let you know that you never have to pick up another drink for the rest of your life 24 hours at a time. And so if you're new in here, I want you to know that you Never Have to Pick Up Another Drink for the Rest of Your Life 24 Hours at a Time. A lot of people add on that unless you want to, but even if you want you don't have to. You don't need to pick-up a drink for 24 hours a time for the last 24 hours of your lifetime. And sitting in that vehicle when I heard that voice of the man that wasn't really sitting there, it was the best first step of AA that I ever worked. and I absolutely knew that I was powerless over alcohol and my life was a freaking train wreck. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. And the second step says that we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity and sitting there in that car with that bottle of vodka on the seat next to me, I knew I didn't want to live like that anymore and I knew that maybe, just maybe, you guys would be able to help me because Jim told me that. So I came to believe that the power of Alcoholics Anonymous could restore me to sanity. And then I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of you and I got out of my car and picked up the phone and I called AA. And that was my third step. That was the absolute best first, second, and third step that I have ever worked in 22 years and a couple months since I've been here with you guys. And I work the first three steps on a daily basis. I do a lot of other ones on a regular basis too. But those three I address every single morning. I wake up, I remember the nature of my disease and I remember to get in touch with a power greater than me that you guys gave me and turn my will and my life over to the care of him. And then I go about my day, and I do the things that he puts in front of me, and my wife works really, really good. I hung out on Alcoholics Anonymous. You guys told me to get a sponsor. He told me the men work with the men and the women work withthe women. So I asked this man named Paul Mattson to be my sponsor. And he was an atheist slash agnostic. He didn't want to talk about God, and neither did I. so it worked out perfect. And I hung out with him until the 10th day of October 1986, and on my second AA birthday he died. And i got to tell you if your higher powers never passed away it's devastating. But i got another sponsor and Connie worked the steps with me. I did an inventory. I'd like to tell You i did them real quickly like the talks about in the big book and we did all these things and then i recovered and had the spiritual awakening and i run around and carry the message. But I was a train wreck drunk, and I was a train wrecker sober. I created a lot of wreckage of my presence in Alcoholics Anonymous. I walked into the Solano Club. It was full of old people. And all over the Southern California, Los Angeles area, Birch is known as the Dead Pecker Club. So I don't know why Sam sent me there, but it was an absolute perfect place for Sam to send me. And what happened to me was I hung out with these really, really old old-timers. They must have been like 30 or 40. I walked in there and I thought, oh my God, I'm going to have to hang out with you old decrepit people until I die and then my life's going to be over and that's just going to Be how it's going to be. And today I'm one of those old decrepid people. That's scary. There was this newcomer at the meeting the other day who goes like, you might understand and you might understand to a couple of my sponsees, he goes, but you're as old as my mother. And I told him, I'll kick your ass right in front of the AA meeting if you ever talk to me like that again. You know, I was 20 years old when I got sober. I'm 22 years sober. That makes me 42 years old and I feel like I'm 20 years older, you know. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I can tell you that what I do to stay sober on a daily basis is precisely the same thing that I did when I was brand new. I hit between five and ten meetings a week. They told me when I Was New, don't leave before the miracle happens, and I'd like to tell you if you're old, don's leave after the miracle happened either. Because what I know more than I know anything is that when I'm not in here with you, my miracle stops happening. You know there's something that happens in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I get goosebumps today when I come into AA. And the same way that I picked up that drink of alcohol and got that sensation, I come in here and I sit down with you guys and I get that same thing. You know, my life works the best when I'm in here with you guys doing the things that I'm required to do. I go to a lot of meetings. I pray on a daily basis. I read the big book on almost a daily basis. It used to be up until about a year ago every day I'd read something out of the big book, and I've done that for a long time, but I'm kind of resting on my laurels a little bit. But I love the big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love The Twelve and Twelve. I get excited about the traditions, andI can take the traditions today and apply them into my own life. They're not a set of spiritual principles to me that help the group get along together. I take those traditions off the wall and I put them to work in my life today, you know? The fifth tradition says that our primary purpose is to stay sober and carry the message, and I take that personally today. And I know as long as I do that, God takes care of everything else in my life. What I want you to know is that I was a foul-mouthed, angry, pissed off, fearful little bitch when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. And you guys loved me long enough that I could stand here today with a couple 24 hours strung together. I clean up kind of okay. I got a husband that I've been married to for almost 16 years sitting in the back of the room. I've been in a monogamous relationship for a long freaking time, and I didn't know how to do that. I did not know how to dothat no matter how bad I wanted to. I couldn't do that, you know. I have a little 15 year old kid that's sitting at home waiting for me to come home in a minute. He's playing video games. He plays football. He just plays basketball. He wrestles. He does good in school. He is an awesome kid. And I have another kid who is 19 years old, and tomorrow he leaves to go back to Virginia because in September he enlisted in my Navy. So my ninth step's done. I gave him my oldest born, I'm finished. But he's going to be a master at arms. He's going back to A school and I look at these kids and I love them so much, it just hurts. And you guys taught me how to do that. I came in here and I didn't like anybody, especially me. And I just couldn't stand people because I was so afraid of you. And what I have today is a light beyond my wildest drunken dreams, and it's because I come in here and I continue to do the things that work for me on the 10th day of October 1984. I want you to know before I finish that a couple days ago, that 19-year-old apple of my eye came home at 2.30 in the morning so drunk he could hardly walk. And he's exhibiting a couple of frightening tendencies. He is me in a male form. He scares the shit out of me. But I love this kid so much and I watched him come home drunk and I used to think of all these things I was going to do when my kids came home doing the things that I used to do. And I didn't do any of them. And he's done it a couple times, and you know, I know that. God had a path for me to walk to get me to come here and stand with you guys, and God has that same path for my son, and no matter how hard I want to fix that path, it's not up to me. But the thing that is the most important to me is to know that a couple 24 hours down the line, just in case that little boy ever needs to walk into Alcoholics Anonymous, I want Alcoholics Anonymous to carry the same life-saving message of recovery that was given to me on the 10th day of October 1984. And the way that that happens, guys, is for us to uphold the traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. They're not a couple of little things that we sing along to because we know the last couple verses of one of them or, you know, they're spiritual principles in the same way that the steps are. And what they do is the steps save my life. The traditions allow me to be in here with you guys because let me tell you, if I wasn't practicing all 24 of those things, you guys would kick me the hell out of here. You really wouldn't because you can't. I love that. If you're new in here, you could stay here and do any freaking thing you want to because we can't kick you out. But the thing that's important is to realize that you can do that if you're an alcoholic. It says in the 12 in 12 that you're the only one that can say you are and once you say you're you can be a member and you're the only person that can do that too. There's nothing we can say about it And that's some great stuff. I did everything I could in here to make you guys throw me away because I believed that I was disposable, discardable, and no good. And so I would come in here and I would be absolutely foul-mouthed and angry. I got in fights in the Alano Club. I threw one of my old-timers up against the wall because I wanted to hit my husband and he got in the way. I was just not okay when I was new in Alcoholics Anonymous and for a couple 24 hours after I stayed here. But what happened was you guys loved me anyway. I was new in here, and you guys looked into my heart, and you saw something that was worth saving when I couldn't. And if you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous, I want you to know that we see something in you that you can't. And ifyou have a problem with alcohol or you have a problems staying sober, this is the place to be. This is theplace that saved my life. Everything that I have in my life and everything that I know is a direct result of you guys and a possibility that you saw in me. I was standing on the deck of a cruise ship about 13 years sober, and I was communing with all of those old-timers. That's what happens when you get sober young in a place called the Dead Pecker Club. They all die, and then you're left by yourself. But I was scanning on the edge of this cruise ship in the middle of the night, and I Was talking to all those old timers that loved me so incredibly. And I was telling them, whoever would have thought? Whoever would have though? And you know what they thought, and that's how come I could stand there. And I thought that the love of those old-timers is what kept me coming back in Alcoholics Anonymous because they loved me so incredibly no matter what I did. They just loved me. And what I know today is that there was this power greater than me that I was incapable of hooking up with that knew that the only way to touch my heart was through you guys. And so he crawled me into a meeting of AlcoholicsAnonymous, and he allowed me to stay. If you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous, I pray you stay here. I hope that alcohol has kicked the living shit right out of you because I know that it was that desperation that was born in me from having this shit kicked out of me that allowed me come in here and surrender to the things that you guys told me to do. If you are new in here, I promise you that if you get a sponsor who's worked the steps that has a working knowledge of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. They won't make you do anything that they didn't do first, and the other thing that I know is you guys have never ever lied to me. I'm so grateful to be here, and I know I'm out of time, so thank you for my life.