The Traditions as a Guide for Relationships – Dave P.

Tradition 7. Every AA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. And that's how we do it. And probably, I'm going to read what this says about this tradition because I think it's so good. No tradition has had the labor pains this one has. Collective poverty is essentially a matter of necessity. It is important that we stay poor. It's important that if we get any money, we instantly give it away because we don't do well with money. And that's why we have guidelines on what to do with our money when we do the 60-30-10. We know what to do and how to give away our money. Fear of exploitation, necessity of separating the spiritual from the material, decision to subsist on AA, voluntary contribution only. In other words, we can't go ask people to contribute. That's why we are passing the basket here. We need to support it all. Everything we do needs to be self-supporting amongst ourselves. Placing the responsibility of supporting AA headquarters directly on AA members. Bear running expense plus a prudent reserve is a headquarters policy, and Dave talked about that earlier. One of the things that happens a lot of times is when somebody's new, they'll think, well, you're coming to Denmark or if I'm going somewhere else or Dave and I are doing, you know, being asked to share in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. We do not get paid for this. This is because we want to be of service to AlcoholicsAnonymous. However, our expenses are paid. Our plane trip is paid. Our meals are paid where we sleep. All of that is paid for. And the reason being, if only people who spoke had money, then those of us who don't have money, like Dave and I, could never speak. So what happens is, is AA says they'll be self-supporting. So it doesn't matter whether somebody is standing behind this podium who is wealthy or poor. Or the AA supports them coming and doing what they're doing. It's the same with our AA group. Everything we do or put into our group, we do it. It's important. We have a little group in Bellingham. We're a very small group. And the church says, oh no, you don't need to pay us anything. And we said, yes, we did. It is important that we're self-supporting. It is important that we give you money for us to use your facility to meet. So it's important that AA is self-supporting. And that's how people like Dave and I are flown from the states to be here, to be with you, is because of the money you contribute to pay for our stay. That's how your group has coffee. That's why your group hasn't meeting place. That's how your group has anything else, cookies, whatever. It's because you give the money in order for that to take place in the meeting. If you don't do it, it doesn't happen. Tradition seven in a relationship. Each of us ought to strive to be fully self-supporting spiritually, emotionally, and physically. It is my job to be self-supporting through my own contribution. It is not Dave's job to support me. I think it's one of the things I think is wonderful is that I'm seeing it more and more in the younger generation, and that is parents having children and either the husband or the wife staying home with the child. And that is a decision, and that has been self-supporting And because someone is home taking care of what's going on at home, that's a job. Somehow along the way, the feminists decided that that wasn't a job, that it was a job and the money comes in different ways. But it's still a contribution and a self-supporting to the relationship. it's my responsibility to stay spiritually fit emotionally fit and physically fit it's not Dave's responsibility to go to the gym and work out it's Not Dave's responsibility to see to it that I do it it's My responsibility that I go there and take care of my health it's MY responsibility that I stay emotionally sober and spiritually fit by doing the things I need to do and Alcoholics Anonymous. And to stay spiritually fit, Dave and I also go to church. We do some readings in the morning that aren't AA-approved literature. But what we do is we take responsibility. Now it's been wonderful to share that with each other. But for years, I did that at 5 o'clock in the morning. Dave didn't get up that early. So for years I had to do my spiritual maintenance It's myself and he had to do his. It's wonderful since we're retired that we get to do it together, but there was a time when we couldn't do that. It's still my responsibility and it's Dave's responsibility. I don't need to hold him up emotionally, physically, or spiritually. We give to each other. Dave talks about he's learned so much from me. I've learned so Much from him. I found out that you can sit together in an automobile and you don't have to talk. I thought you had to talk, now when I'm with my girlfriends we don't come up for air, but I found that if he doesn't talk, he's not mad, it's okay, you don' t have to talk. So I've learned those things, it just that I don't need to be responsible for his emotional well-being. I don't have to go to a party and instruct Dave how to behave, because there was a time I didn't think his social skills were home good enough, and I needed to help him along. And so what's happened is I don' t have a need to do that anymore. And Dave is kind of a quiet guy a lot of times, and we'll go to our AA meeting and he doesn't talk a lot and somebody will come up to me and they'll say, is Dave mad at me? And I said, I don't know. It's not my night to watch him. Why don't you go ask him? So it's been great because what I would do is run over to him and what did you do to such and such? They think you're mad at them. And I felt like it was my job to fix this whatever was going on. It's not my job. That's Dave's relationship. Dave and I, when we got married, my teenage son lived with us. And I'm telling you, you get married and stepchildren can be a real challenge, especially alcoholic, drug-addicted, practicing stepchildren can be an important part of your life. It's going to be a big deal challenge. And I was always trying to make peace between Dave and James, always tryingto make peace. And finally, that therapist that we told you about, she looked at me and she said, Polly, what you need to realize is that Dave and James may never like each other. You need to stop trying to make it happen. And when I stopped trying to making it happen, they are just like this. It's amazing how that happens. It's the same with my talking about being self-supporting. My oldest son, I felt like needed to be in Al-Anon. I had his Al-Anon sponsor picked out, his group picked out. I thought he needed to do all this stuff in Al Anon. Well, he found another way. He found the Catholic Church. I never thought about that. I mean, that never occurred to me. It's not my business. They're self-supporting. And what I need to do is back away and trust God that God will take care and intervene in God's way. It's their journey. It's Their Journey. And the hardest thing I do is let go and let it be Their Journey." Checklist. Do I try to be the boss? Well, you don't have to know me long to know that I do. Do I attempt to control my partner and everything else? That's why I'm an Al-Anon. I need that program really bad. I have needed to say throughout my 27 years of sobriety, mind your own business. Do my needs for comfort or feeling of safety limit my partner's options? One of the things I see a lot is that a lot of women, like there's a lot people who like to go backpacking and do the things that Dave likes to do. They don't like for their husbands to go because they're not comfortable with them being gone. I'm grateful today, thanks to AA and Al-Anon, that I don't feel that way. I'm thankful that I can let him go and let him be self-supporting, and let him do the things that makes him happy. Do I take responsibility for myself? You have taught me to take responsibility. I never could do that. My happiness, everything about me, depended on what you could do for me. Thank God today I don't need that. Do I deceive myself by thinking how unselfish and giving I am when in reality I'm trying to get you to do what I need you to do so I'll feel comfortable. That's always what I was trying to do. I would get you to try to change, not because it was good for you, but if you changed and did things differently it would make me more comfortable. And I learned in Al-Anon how selfish and self-seeking I was, and trying to get people to do things to make me feel better. It's letting kids go, letting them grow up. Those of you who have experienced an empty nest when you finally let your kids go when they're grown up and let them be who and what they are and support whatever that decision is. Those are all kinds of reasons to find yourself in an Al-Anon meaning every single night, go be who and what you are. It's important for me to allow Dave to do that too. For me to be self-supporting and let him be who he is. That's the greatest gift we can give another person is the respect to be who and what they are and accept them just the way they are. Tradition 8. Tradition 8 says that Alcoholics Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers. And the book says, with regard to this, that professionalism, money, and spirituality do not mix. So almost no recovery from alcoholism has ever been brought about by the world's best professionals, whether medical or religious. now uh that that may sound pretty harsh to some of you and it may sound uh you know it may make some of your angry uh but you know we i talked about that last night you know i i went to a lot of different professionals and uh and none of them were able to make a dent in my alcoholism I've talked to many, many alcoholics, and it is rarely that any professional can offer the kind of ongoing support necessary to remain sober. And being sober has nothing to do, as far as I'm concerned, with drinking. You know, alcohol is not the problem. Alcohol has never been the problem Alcohol is a symptom of the problem We drink because we can't stand The pain of living And something has got to relieve that pain And it may be alcohol It may be drugs It may me food you know, any number of things that we can get addicted to. But the problem is that we get it into our head that it is simply too painful being me. I cannot take it. And I have got to have something to relieve that pain or I've got to kill myself. And so, you know where does that leave? And I want to be clear about this, because I know there are a lot of people here who have been through treatment. There are a Lot of people throughout Alcoholics Anonymous everywhere that's been through treatment. My wife has been through treatment three times. You know, if I'd have known about treatment, I would have probably gone to treatment. I was blissfully ignorant of everything, and I didn't even know that AA made house calls. I didn't even ask somebody to come and see me. I looked up a meeting in the phone book in a telephone directory and went on my own. But when you go into some kind of treatment program, they do something very valuable. First of all, they break your habits. They break your daily habits. And they make you begin to do something differently than you've done before. They give you an introduction to sobriety. They give you information about the nature of the disease that you have. You know, they cause you to, they break through your barrier enough to make you a little bit vulnerable. And that is a valuable, valuable thing. But where are you if you don't know about Alcoholics Anonymous and you go to treatment and 30 days later they say, wonderful, we'll see you later. Where does that leave you? What about next month? What about the next year? Who's going to care about you next year More importantly, who are you going to care about next year. This is a thing in the U.S. that you hear all the time and it's like, well, just come on in to AA and let us love you till you can love yourself. Well, you know, where is that going to get you? That's our disease, selfishness and self-centeredness we think is the root of our problem. I don't need to be loving me. That doesn't make me feel good. I can't love me. You know, if I had to wait until I could love me to be sober, I'd be dead somewhere. I would have never made it. You know. I've heard sponsors talk to their people. People that they sponsor say, Well, you're just a people pleaser. Well, so am I. Gladly. I'm a card-carrying member of the People Pleasers Union. That saved my life. I cared so much about you because you were kind to me. I wanted to please you. You said, work a fourth step. Oh, okay. You know, and I didn't enjoy it. Who does? God. But I wanted you to like me. I wanted your love for me. I wanted for you to let me stay. Nobody else was showing me any kindness, any love. So, you know, as far as, you know, let us love you. See, the trick is not me loving me. The trick is me loving you. Do you know what the trick is? The trick of love is the trick of, see when you get into relationships, if you want a romantic relationship, the tricky thing is not to find the right person. You know, don't go looking for your soulmate. you know I mean I have some as you've probably guessed by now I occasionally love to lapse into rhetorical flamboyance but you know don't go looking for your soul mate you can't even define what that is so how the hell are you going to know if you find them The trick to success is not to find the right person. The trick is to be the right person. Now, I'll do a little exercise. Let us say that you stop for a moment and imagine the ideal person for you. Male or female. I'm a guy, so we'll take girl. What if I sit down and imagine the perfect woman for me? I'm totally free, no boundaries at all. I can choose anything I want, blonde, brunette, redhead, whatever. And I can chose how tall she is and how much she weighs and what size clothing she wears and what sizes shoes she wears and what fragrances. I'm getting close to getting in trouble, aren't I? You know, what size shoes she wears, what fragrances she likes, how she should comb her hair, what length it should be, what color her eyes are. What kind of personality she should have, what kind of sense of humor she should Have, what kind Of education she should Have, going to complete minute detail of who the absolutely, what I think is the absolutely perfect woman for me is. Now, what if she's sitting next to me? Is that woman going to want to have a relationship with me? See, that's the problem. If I'm not the right person, what the hell good does it do me to find my true soulmate? My soulmate's not going to have anything to do with me if I'm Not the Right Person. Why bother looking for her? So the trick is not to find them. The trick is to be the right people. The trick to be a good person. So, you know, the thing with relationships in this tradition is that when you get out of treatment, for example, which is kind of where we are before I wandered off, you need some kind of ongoing program. You need desperately to know how to live the rest of your life. And there is not anything in any of us before we got here that in anywhere that ever conditioned us to even remotely suspect that a room full of alcoholics could have the answers to the issues of our life. There's nothing that would raise us to believe that. So, you know, we have a lot of skepticism to get over among other things. when we get here as far as this uh tradition as it applies to relationships our relationship should remain forever an unprofessional free and giving relationship each to the other and as it says in the 12 and 12 freely you have received freely give we're not professional carpenters or plumbers or housekeepers or laundresses you know when it comes to chores You know, in our relationship, we try to share. And frankly, you know, Polly and I are so comfortable with each other that, you know, we're very comfortable with neither one of us being the boss. Every time either one of Us has ever tried to be the boss, it's just been abject failure because the other one won't let him. And, you Know, and being so being in charge is really not all that important to us. You know? We don't care about it much anymore. or, you know, in fact, just the opposite is true in our house. Nobody wants to be in charge. So, you Know, I also have to take a... I have to also avoid taking a professional or know-it-all attitude, you know, because in the final analysis, you know, personal opinions are just that, they're personal. I mean, neither one of us is a certified expert on alcoholism. Our spirituality, our psychology, or our child care, or the 12 steps, or sex, or marriage, or medicine, or humility, or anything. We're not certified experts on that. We don't speak with authority to each other on any of those subjects. I don't know when Polly should call her sponsor or go to a meeting. That's up to her. I mean, I've heard people say that. Well, I have to tell him to go to a meeting. Well, I'm not going to tell her when she needs to go to a meet-up. She goes whenever she thinks she needs to go. You know, if her behavior becomes unacceptable, now that's too strong a term, that's just inappropriate to say that. If her behavior becomes a little edgy and all, I try to tell her how I am affected by that. And what she does about it is entirely up to her. Once again, I'm standing here saying I cannot manage my own life. What the hell would make me think I could manage hers? It doesn't make any sense. So we just have found that when we're living by the 12 steps and the 12 traditions and maintaining a good relationship with God that things seem to go well for us. And, you know, and that allows us to be free. And that's the greatest gift of all. You know, if you want your spirit to soar, it just has to be freedom. It just has to be freer. So the checklist is do I try to sound like an expert on things? And if so, why do I need to do that? You know? Is my security at risk? Is my precious little ego at risk? Is my fear triggered in some way? Do I believe that one or the other partner should be in charge based on their gender or experience or education or job or anything? No, not at all. Not at all, you know. Men and women tend to complement each other very, very nicely. and I think both energies need to be brought to bear on a relationship do I make an effort to understand my partner's opinions and views, and do I really listen to my mate and show respect for those opinions and views here's one, who or what was my role model for a healthy relationship? You know, I don't know what yours was, but mine was pretty sad. I mean, I didn't learn how to be a good boy at my mother's knee. Which, you know, once again, but for that to mean anything to you, I have to tell you my mother story. And so, you know that is an observation and not a criticism. Now, can I give for fun and for free requiring nothing in return? So when I got here, everything for me was quid pro quo. I don't do anything for you if you haven't already done something for me or I can reasonably expect you to do something for me, you know, payback. I want, I want to make sure I get my payback, you owe me, you know look what I did for you, you owe me. I believe that life was situational and conditional. That, you know, I believe that such things as morality was situacional. And by that I mean that telling the truth was optional. It depended on what the truth is. What the truth of the truth was and who was involved in the truth. And I believe life was conditional. I believe that in order for me to be lovable, I had to meet certain requirements. My appearance had to be such, my clothing had to быть such that I essentially was unlovable and the only way that I was ever going to be loved was for me somehow to trick you into believing that I'm something I'm not. That just plain old me was just not lovable. You know, I'm just not lovable. And so I can't let you see me because you'll throw me away. So I have to make up somebody to present to you. Do I charge my maid a fee for being in a relationship with me? If so, what is it? How expensive is my love and companionship? Do I take hostages in my relationships? Do I feel that Polly belongs to me? Boy, I'll tell you what. Trying to get Polly to belong to you is like trying to herd cats. It's not going to work. You know, it's like trying the toothpaste back in the tube. Do I really understand that I will reap what I sow? And then what goes around comes around. You know, it's always interesting for me to look back on my childhood and I used to remember all these preachers up there saying, well, you will reap what you sow. You know what I mean? Get away. And here I am 50 years later at AA telling you, you will leap what you sew. Unfortunately, it is true. Tradition 9, AA as such ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. There are special committees and we do have people we pay, like in the general service offices, your local AA central office. we have a lot of places where we do pay for people to be part of our organization. And those service boards are organized. But as far as a group level, we ought never be organized. Now, that doesn't mean that at times we have things that we organize, like there was a committee that organized this. But you know what? If something needed to change, just like we changed the schedule, we can change it. So that's what makes the difference. Our relationship, Tradition 9 for relationships, our relationship ought never be organized or under the control of only one person. Now, many of us, especially in my age group, always said the man was in charge. I never could abide by that I just couldn't get it so what happens is both of us are alcoholics and the worst thing you can do is try to tell an alcoholic what to do and what we have learned is that our lives don't fit into a box they change from day to day So what we try to do because of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon is we try to live one day at a time. We try to get up in the morning and ask God to direct that day, direct my thinking and actions for that day. Now, one of the things that there's a saying in AlcoholicsAnonymous, tell God your plans and watch him laugh. Life has a way of presenting some lemons, and we have to find a way to make lemonade. Now Dave and I have had a few things happen in our lives that have not been all that pleasant. One of the things that happened in 1993, Dave lost his job and he didn't really work again for two years. I mean he worked but it was not anything that really produced any money. That's certainly not what we were used to. As a result of that we lost our home, we had to file bankruptcy we had financial disaster and we were 16 and 17 years sober now that didn't fit the mold you know you come to Alcoholics Anonymous and you hear people stand up and say I came to AA, I got sober life got wonderful, we live happily ever after well you know life's in session so if we try to organize our life and think this is what has to happen life's in session and it might unfold a lot differently than I planned it and I better have something to stand on in order to survive that and what Dave and I were able to do because of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and because we have a loving God in our lives, we were able to survive. And the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that we won't be able to survive the highs and lows of life if we're not constantly working with others. So Dave and I just threw ourselves here we're losing everything and what we did is we just threw yourselves into the rooms of AlcoholicsAnonymous now and on. And we just got busy doing what we know works because life was going to take the turn life took and nobody was in charge nobody was the boss we just let it unfold and the amazing thing is you know hindsight's 2020 and today I look back and I get to see the miracle in my life because Because ten years ago, Dave and I had nothing. And today, we don't have a lot of money, but we've got this beautiful house in Washington State. It's just like a piece of paradise. We're in Denmark. I mean, how do you get from there to here? How does all that? It's God. And it's because we just did what you told us to do. And we didn't cut each other down and say things that, you know, because we were having this problem, how could you let this happen to me, Dave? We weren't doing that. We were supporting each other. Dave became the best housewife you've ever seen. He was the cook. It was great. We just, you know, for a little while, my idea of money, men, and mansions, we just turned that thing, you now, we just turn that sucker around. And it was great, and you just learn to live day to day, live one day at a time. Our lives are not organized. They unfold, and we take what is given to us. And a lot of people say, well, God made that happen. I don't believe God madethat happen. The economy in the U.S. made thathappen. God gotusthroughit. It was believing in him that gotusthrew it. He didn't make it happen. And I'm grateful for that today Because having experienced that, the thing I know that's important is not that money and not that mansion. It's having that relationship and being able to have that relationship with God and to be able to share that relationship avec another person. The greatest gift I've been given in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous is sobriety and my husband. And God gave me those things. because sobriety and God for me are synonymous. And without that, we wouldn't have that. Checklist. Do I try to be the boss? We've talked about that before. Am I mature enough to understand the principles of AA in my relationship? And that is to take personal responsibility from myself and try the best I can to find God's will for me. And if Dave is doing the same, then by and large we have found God's will for us in the relationship. And one of the things that we try to do is exercise patience. Now, I have a nickname for Dave, and it's not a bad nickname. I call him Mr. Do. You know, like Davey Do? I call Him Mr. Dude. And one OF the things THAT Dave has a tendency to do, he's been really good this weekend, is he dawdles. Do you know what dawdling is? He's so slow. It's like if you're trying to get out of the house, he just has the next thing to do and the next things to do. And my son nicknamed him the King of Dawdle. So one of the things that I have to do with this tradition is practice patience. Patience. To allow him to get it together he says, Polly, I just never seem to do things on your time schedule. Now, he has to practice a lot of patience with me because I am always on the telephone. It grows out of my ear. I sponsor a lot of women and I am forever on the phone. So what I have to do is to be considerate and get off the phone and give my husband some time. So these are the things that we've learned to do and to be a little more spontaneous because what happens for me is I'm very comfortable in a box. What I have learned to learn to do is do things a day at a time. I want to know what's happening next. I wantto know what the future holds. But what I need to do is trust God and live today the very best I can live today and be patient and tolerant with my mate. Tradition 10. Okay, tradition 10 says AA has no opinion on outside issues since the AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. This is similar to what I was saying before. All we do is get drunk, sober here. That's all we do. We don't do anything else. We don' t have any business having any kind of public controversy, engaging in any kind o f public controversy And so, you know, that's pretty clear. Within the context of relationships, what this means to us is that we're each entitled to our own opinion on outside issues. Hence, our name ought never be drawn into public controversy. This means that Polly and I have to have a well-developed sense of live and let live. We don't drag our relationship out in the public. in any kind of controversial manner. In fact, both of us avoid controversy completely. Neither one of us likes heated controversy. And that is usually fired by some form of fear. And if you get into a big heated argument with someone, if you listen very carefully, you can hear their mind snap shut. and you've lost them. And it's a question, there is a question that you can ask yourself, which is how likely is it that God's will for me is to yell and scream at His kids? Some of His other kids. How likely is that? Probably not very likely. So we always try to be courteous. You know, that's the essence of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon anyway. It's just treating people with tolerance and kindness. We don't speak ill of each other in public. You know? If you say things publicly, you give them a longevity and an authenticity that you probably don't want them to have. You know how many times have you said something in anger and the feelings that fired that were gone in 15 minutes? But if you've said it publicly, if you've done that out in public where others can hear, then those things that you said have an authenticity and a longevity that you don't mean for them to have. So it's just not something that we believe we need to do. And as we've said before, love is an action. It's not a feeling. If you love somebody, you treat them like you love them. Your actions say that you love him. And if you want to know if you're really loved or not, ask your heart. Ask your heart, your heart knows if you are loved or not. I know who loves me and who doesn't. So do you. So you know the simple answer is do the words match the actions? the checklist we're going to go ahead and just wrap this up there's only a couple more to go so we'll just go ahead and wrap it up and then we'll be through until the speaker tonight so the checklist is and if you need to go anywhere and do anything you know please do so I mean you know if Polly and I smoked for many years so we are we are in complete sympathy with smokers and all that sometimes you can only wait so long anyway tradition the checklist is um do i do i give a the impression that we have an opinion and that i am its keeper that i i carry our opinion around with me now another thing that's very important is am i careful to to keep confidences given to me by my partner you know one of the things that i know very little about i mean and we're always getting phone calls somebody will call for polly and she's not there and they'll talk to me and they say i'm sure she must have told you what happened and i i am delighted to be able to say no she didn't you know if polly is your sponsor i don't i may know nothing about what anything you have ever talked to her about she just does not tell me it's none of my business i don't need to know and you know what i don'T want to know i want you to have the assurance that when you talk to her you're just talking to her you're not talking to us you know if you want to talk to me and when you're through talking to hers say let me talk to dave and you can tell me whatever you want to you know i just you may just want to say hi you may not even want to talk to me that's okay usually it doesn't you know usually they don't but you know but the point is i don't know you know polly is very good at keeping confidences and so am i you know i occasionally overhear snippets because she is on the phone and we do live in the same house but i don'T hang around and and eavesdrop and i DON'T ask what'S going on and i Don'T pry and I think that's very important. Am I publicly critical of my mate? No, I'm not. What would my mate say if she was asked whether or not I loved her? You know, you can go ask her but I'll guarantee you she knows I love her. Does either of us have emotional scars from repeated heated controversy and struggles for power and control. They are essentially completely gone. When we first got together, we had some scars, but they're pretty well gone. How important is it for me to be right? Would I rather be right or happy? You know, it is none of my business what you think of me but my life depends on what I think of you that's true my sponsor used to tell me that all the time first time he said that I thought what a load of malarkey that is you know but it really is none of my business what you thing of me why would you not have my complete permission to form any opinion of me or anybody else that you want to I'm not in charge of your mind but my life depends on what I think of you number 11 almost done guys tradition 11 our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion, we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. And I think that's very self-explanatory. And what that says is, is I don't go on the radio or I don' t go to the newspaper and I don''t go to films or TV and say my name's Polly Pistol and I'm an alcoholic. because what that does is it says that if I get drunk, that I've had all this publicity out there, and if I Get Drunk, then people may think AA doesn't work and that's not a program of attraction. We believe that it's better to just live the program and let people make their own decisions. Now, a lot of people remain anonymous in AA meetings. Polly P., Dave P., but Dr. Bob said we are not anonymous amongst ourselves. And that's why Dave and I get up behind the podium and give our first and last name. because if either one of us are in the hospital, I'll tell you it will be really hard for you to go to the hospital and find Polly P. We need to know who we are. So we don't need to be anonymous here. We needと remain anonymous at the public level. And if you choose, there are a lot of meetings that part of their tradition and that goes back to the tradition that any group is autonomous, that they want no last names in the group. Some professional groups feel very strongly about that. That's fine. That's what that group has chosen to do. But Dr. Bob said it's best we don't be anonymous amongst ourselves. Okay, Tradition 11. We individually convey our beliefs and philosophy through attraction rather than promotion. We are each in charge of our own anonymity. It used to be necessary for me, in order to be comfortable, for you to agree with me. So I would go to great lengths to convince you to disagree with my way of thinking. And I did that with my relationship with Dave. I was so uncomfortable for him to have a different idea or thought than me. So it became my effort to convince him to see it my way. And today, it's okay if he has his own opinion and his own philosophy. and what I have finally and you know what in the long run it makes me feel way better because I've learned from that my husband is a very bright man and he's really he reads a lot and he is always into you know we read at night before we go to bed now I'm reading some novel that's what I like to read usually a murder mystery I'm into guts and gore And that's what I like to read. He's always into, you know, like Omni magazine, some kind of science, you know, thing and computer thing. And oh my God, it's like how do you go to bed with all that? But I learn from him. And I have learned that my ideas, it is great to get another opinion. It's nice to have both sides. I may still not change my mind, and he may not either, but we're each can express what we believe, our beliefs and our philosophy. And what used to happen with me is I was one of these kind of people that angered quickly. And Dave used to be afraid to talk to me for a fear that I was going to be angry. and finally what we learned to do or he learned to do with me, I said to him one day Dave I can't guarantee my reaction to what you've said but I still would like to know the truth and you know what happened is he started not being afraid of my anger guess what happened? I started not to be angry so much so it's wonderful when we just allow people their own autonomy Finally, the checklist. Is my relationship treated with care and public? And I kind of talked about that with another tradition because it's really important that I treat Dave with respect. It's just like I feel the same way about a boss. I have seen bosses go and reprimand people in front of other people. I think that's very wrong. All you have to do is take somebody behind a door and close the door. I think reprimanding a child in public is wrong. It makes everybody around uncomfortable. It's not an attraction. The same with how we behave in relationships. I mean, nothing's going to go to dinner sometime and watch a couple have a big fuss at dinner. Gosh, you kind of want to go over there and say, would you guys leave? You know, you're ruining my dinner. So I want my relationship to be an attraction. Am I guilty of promotion rather than attraction? And one of the things that I've learned to do is I've learn to try to stay out of other people's business as far as their relationship goes. There's a lot of things I feel like that people make mistakes with relationships, but one of the things I've said is I try to stay with this is what Dave and I do, and what you do is your business. I tryと stick with my own story, and that's what we need to do as alcoholics sharing with another alcoholic. The fastest way for me to be run out of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous is for somebody to get in my face and tell me I've got to do this, this, this, and this. But what really disarms me is when they say, you know, this is what I did in a situation like that. Attraction rather than promotion. which do I do for my mate do I give him positive strokes or negative strokes if you want to feel good in your relationship and have a wonderful feeling inside of yourself even if I'm so angry that my hair's on fire. I try to find something nice to say today. I try to find something positive because I have learned. You know, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says trust the process. I have learned through the process that if I find something nice to say about Dave, whatever's going on that we'll begin to feel better, and whatever the problem is, we'll begin to work it out. But if I'm constantly putting him down or he's putting me down, we can't ever talk because everybody's so angry we can'T get any way to communicate. So it may be just something small, like gosh you really did a great job cleaning the garage. I had this whole list of stuff. I went on a trip not long ago, and we've moved into a new house. And I had this whole list of, you know, one of those honeydew lists of things for Dave to do. And I came back, and most of them weren't done. Ooh, I just, you know how you just, all of a sudden you just want to, I just wanted to pounce him. But he'd really done a great job straightening the garage. So I went and I said, the garage looks great. And then a little later I said well are you going to do such and such and such and much? But I have found that that works a lot better if I give a positive stroke. Tradition 12. Okay, this is going to be over in no time. Tradition 12 says that anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. I used to think, what the hell does that mean? And it just says that we have a set of principles in here that we live by. It's embodied in these steps and these traditions, and that that comes first. If we're going to be unified in all, we have to let little personality things go. And as far as relationships are concerned, you know, it is a spiritual foundation, and our selflessness is what it really means, selflessness. I am willing not to take credit for this. You don't need to know who I am. You don'T have to give me credit for anything that goes on selflessness is a spiritual foundation of our way of life polly's in my life uh ever reminding us to place principles before personality see i used to think that meant my lofty principles before your unwholesome contaminated personality And I found out what it really means is that AA principles before my contaminated annals of personality. So we believe that one of the greatest gifts or privileges as members of Alcoholics Anonymous and of any 12-step program, really, is the opportunity to be of help to God's kids, God's other kids. There's just no room and no happiness where there is pride and ego and arrogance and selfishness and unwillingness. There is, however, a lot of room, and it is soul-enriching, it is personally enriching to be grateful and humble and willing to be of service, to be loving, to forgive. it builds us into people that we have always wanted to be and never could and we've learned that lessons can be learned from everybody some people teach us what to do some people tell us what not to do but everybody has something to teach nobody got here knowing how to do all this stuff none of us got here knowing howto do any of this stuff we've all had to learn it So if you're sitting back there and you're thinking, well, you know, you're beating yourself up because you don't do some of the things we've been talking about, why don't you instead pat yourself on the back for sitting in this room all day long? For having the willingness to sit here all day along and listen to somebody else spout off their ideas about how you might have shared their experience, strength, and hope because maybe it'll help you. Don't beat yourself up. Pat yourself on the back. You know, it's not... I mean, I've sat in rooms like this all day. It's not the easiest thing in the world to do. So, you know, we've had to learn slowly and painfully how to do better. And so we again remind you of a prayer we mentioned earlier that we strongly recommend to you and that is this, God treat me tomorrow the way I treat my mate today. And so let's go through the checklist. Do I place our common welfare first? What would happen to me if Polly disappeared? I mean, I can't even contemplate that. Ask yourself that question. What would happened to me my mate disappeared? Do I treat my mate in a way that I'm proud of? Do I treat my mate one way in public and another in private? Do I care if others see every aspect of how I treat mine mate? Do I care if you see everything? What if I said I can't do anything Polly can't watch? What if I said I can do anything you can't watch. You know what? That's how I try to live my life. Does that scare you? It scared the hell out of me the first time my sponsor told me to give it a try. See, what I found out is it's not important that you see what I do. It's only important that I don't care if you see what I'm doing. It's not important that you watch. It's important that I don' t care if I watch. Do I have personal integrity? Can I be true to my own beliefs? You know, I found out that it's very beneficial if I'll spend a few minutes or as long as it takes deciding what my own personal values are. You know it's important that I have some values and that I decide what they are. My values are what I decide they will be. if I'm going to really adopt my values if my values are going to have meaning to me, I have to be the one that decides what they are and so do you I can't tell you what your values should be if they're going to have any meaning at all to you you have to decide what they aren't for yourself and so I can I really be true to my own values? And if I know what they are, and I do. And the answer is yes, I can be true to them and it doesn't damage my life. It doesn't make my life inconvenient or uncomfortable or unpleasant or anything. They are a gift. Having a decent set of values. Reasonable values for yourself. Because, you know, that lets you get to the point where you can say to somebody, look, I don't treat me that way so you can't either. i don't treat me that way why would i let you treat me that way so the conclusion is that having good relationships with other people and especially having a romantic relationship with another person is one of life's greatest achievements and it's one of God's premium gifts there's everything in there that you could ever possibly want Love and laughter and tears and sex and fun and humor and everything. And it's worth every bit of trouble it costs ten times over. And it has to be learned as a rule, if you are born knowing how to do it. We have a sign at home that says, You are what you repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit. so we hope these traditions enrich your life as much as they have ours we thank you for your time and your attention you've been a wonderful bunch of people we have just absolutely fallen in love with you and we know everybody needs to get out of that chair thank you