The Tradition of Anonymity and the Ambition That Has No Place in AA – Chris P.

Good evening, everyone. Welcome to the Royal Recovery Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Andrew, I am an alcoholic. Could everyone please turn off your mobile phones or switch them to a silent profile and please try to keep disruptions to a minimum. Alcoholics Aonimous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership we are self-supporting through our own contributions. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organisation or institution. It does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. This is an open meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. In view of our singleness of purpose, we respectfully ask that Sharon be confined to alcoholics and when discussing our problems, we confine ourselves to those problems as they relate to alcoholism. There may be visitors here who are unfamiliar with our tradition of anonymity and need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and television. This tradition is a constant reminder that personal ambition has no place in AA. We are sure that anonymity is the greatest safeguard Alcoholics Anonymous can ever have. We therefore seek your cooperation in protecting the anonymity of our members at the public level. The format of tonight's meeting will be three 10-minute speakers, followed by a fourth speaker until approximately 8.30. The meeting will then be open for sharing from the floor and close at 9 o'clock. Can we have a moment of silence to remember Tradition 5? Each group has but one primary purpose, to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers. Thanks everyone. I'd now like to introduce tonight's final speaker, Chris. Thank you. My name's Chris and I'm an alcoholic. It's always such a warm welcome when I come back to Plymouth and Plymph is where I found this solution and I thank you all for that warm welcome. Always, always. Your arms are always open to me and I am really grateful for that. Now, I was sat there and I got the 12 steps in front of me and I was looking at it and the first time I came into a meeting, you know, I couldn't read the 12 Steps because I couldn' t read. This time, the 12 Steps were in front o' me and I couldn''t read them because I didn' t have my glasses. And that made me think about my time kind of scale that I've kind of been around, you know. I actually came into this fellowship at a young age of 19 and I now have had more life experience of not drinking than I ever have of drinking, or life, before I came here. And what do I know about drinking? I know very little about drinking, to be honest with you. I share this so much I'm bored of my own share, you know, I bore myself with it. But it's just the truth, it's Just The Way It Was. I remember a little Christmas and they had these chocolate liqueurs at Christmastime and it was like a family thing. the family and all the friends and all of the adults and the big people were getting drunk and merry and enjoying themselves and I was a little kid so I ate this top layer of chocolate liqueurs and I made myself violently physically sick I mean I was all over the floor all over a trifle, all over a chicken, it was everywhere when I suddenly kind of like woke up something else happened I guess what this person did I went back and I ate the bottom layer of the chocolate liqueurs and the same thing happened again. Little did I know this was going to be the story of my life until I came to these rooms. And the story was simple. Once I started, I couldn't stop. That's pretty much all I know. So to tell you what I know about drinking is very little. What I do know is that by the time I got to these room I had fully conceded, absolutely fully conceding. I was a broken human being when I came into these rooms and I had no idea, I was confused and I was frightened, I didn't understand what was going on I didn' t understand that my family didn't want me I didn''t understand how people could not like me I was baffled by that, I thought I was wonderful I couldn't understand that the party wasn't still going on. My idea of a good night out, this was ingrained in me 100%, was if I remembered it, something was wrong. It could not have been a goodnight. If I don't remember it, I was like, we're kids. What a night it had. What a nightmare. I don'T remember it. How do I know what a night I had? But I came in here, and the thing that they said was keep coming back. And I had nowhere else to go, and I was homeless, and I Was living on the street in Plymouth, bus station as it happens. And the first meeting I went to, I identified. Identification. I identified with these people talking about how they just lived to drink. That's all they did. That's what they thought about. That's All They Did. I was like, yeah, that's me. Yeah, I'm one of them. I get that. I identify with that. I'm really, really with that game. I'm them. And they went on and said, do you have to get a sponsor? Well, I'll get a Sponsor, get a Spencer. And so I chose, from my first choice of Sponser, someone who was still drinking. And he said yes. And I thought, I really identify with this guy. He's still drinking, you know. And that didn't work out so well. my second choice of a sponsor was somebody who had stopped drinking but he always shared about drinking, so I asked this guy to be my sponsor and he went back drinking and that didn't work out so well this went on for four sponsors you know, but I kept coming back you know? I kept coming back, and during this time I mean there were some things that were starting to change. I remember there was one time down at Plymouth Bus Station and it was cold, it was, I don't know what time of year it was it was winterish time and I was cold and somebody else was going into the rooms as well we were sat there together and he said do you know what you need Chris do you need some women's stockings and I thought what what are these women's stockings for and he taught me he said if you put two women's layers of stockings underneath your trousers it keeps your legs warm and we made each other laugh and we laughed all night so we're homeless you know we're sober and we haven't got a clue what we're doing but we're laughing together we're laughing in Plymouth bus station and I hadn't laughed for a long time I hadn'T laughed for a long timE and that was a moment, I don't know what that moment was but it meant something to me and then finally it wasn't even my idea, this was not my idea finally somebody else had an idea why don't you ask a particular member to be your sponsor now you know this moment It's a moment when you know that this person really is going to get you doing something. You don't know what it is, you don't understand it. I mean, this book has got some big words in it. I don't want, you know, grant me the serenity. I don'T know what that means. What does serenety mean? I haven't got a clue. Never had a clue, but I'll join in. I'll say it. We didn't hold hands back then, actually. We just sat in a chair. And we're all too kind of like man, managed to hold hands and do that kind of stuff. but you know that moment where you're faced with this dilemma you know this person has got the solution why? because they're laughing they're happy, they're passionate they're living life and you know that person could actually show you what all this stuff means but there's a bit of you going oh my god what happens if it's true what happens if actually everything that I've ever believed in and worshipped and lived was a lie and they're going to take me somewhere else I was terrified I shan't apologise I shit myself literally by asking this person and I ask this person you know the look your head goes down you mumble out pardon it wasn't one for making it easy pardon what are you trying to say and he got me to look him straight in the face and ask him, I couldn't look anybody in the face, you know I'm walking around with shame, guilt and all this stuff and he said yes and he gave me a list of suggestions and you know this list of suggestions that they hand out and he came up to me and he told me to call him when to call them back then there was no mobile phones so it was like down to the phone box and make a call and he would ask me these questions have you done the suggestions and you know you haven't you know that feeling when your sponsor asks you have you ever done these suggestions and you're like I've done nothing I've absolutely nothing whatsoever but I'm going to say to him yes, I have I'm gonna lie why? to make him happy I don't want him thinking bad on me of course I've gone and then straight after that I'll go into a rant about all this remorse, unhappiness and sadness that's going on in my life. And it's like, he would then go, why don't you call me back once you've done all your suggestions? I'd be like, I've just told him I have. What does he mean by that? And we'd hang up, and I would think about this. This would be in my thoughts. I told him, he told me to go away and do them. And I said what I had. I know I haven't done them, but I kind of still said to him, I have done them. Why didn't he believe me? He's an alcoholic like me, you see. that's why he didn't believe me and this went on we played this game and for one of the better words it was this kind of chicken game you know for quite a time and then one day i called him up and before i said very little he went oh you follow the suggestions i was like what the hell there's got spies in this alcoholic anonymous you know they're watching me how does he know i pulled the shutters down when i got down on my knees you know i mean i was embarrassed i turned the lights off. How does he know I've done that? How does He know I followed these suggestions, all of them? You know, I've given them to the best of my ability. How did He know that? And it took me years to get a coach to ask him and I asked him, he said, well Chris, for the first time ever instead of going into a rant about how all your problems and that, you actually asked me how I was and that was quite a shock to me that I'd never thought of anyone else or I'd Never actually thought how are other people doing How's my mum doing? How's the rest of the world doing? I didn't have a clue. All I cared about was, this is my life and it's terrible and how I was doing. I was fully, fully self-obsessed with my problems. And it started there. And he was a very gracious man and the fellowship at the time were very gracious. They knew I couldn't read. And then the interesting thing was at primary school I could read but in secondary school, which I didn�t go to very much i spent it drinking i lost the ability to read and write and they knew this and they didn't judge me i was embarrassed i was hugely embarrassed and shamed you know to not be able to do this these things and they would slowly but surely take me through the basic texts of Alcoholics Anonymous explaining all these words i had to get humble to ask and go yeah third line down on page 60 whatever, it's like this word there, I haven't got a clue I haven'T GOT A CLUE WHAT IT'S SAYING and they would read it to me and the people would sit next to me and go Chris okay let's have a look this bit here I can see you're struggling with it what are you struggling with? I don't understand this bit and they Would help me I learned to read and the first thing I ever read as somebody of an age of 19 or 20, was the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it took a long time. And I've still got the same text and it's got different colour highlighted areas because I've read it quite a few times and then you end up with so many different colours in it it looks like a rainbow when you open it and then You've Got No Idea which bit is more important than the next bit. But I also found that getting a sponsor, sponsors are a pain in the arse aren't they just a pain in the ass you know you know that you should have done something they've given you a list of suggestions what you should do and you're going to do step one two three and then they give you step four i mean oh my god step four I've actually got to write I've got to write something down I've Got to make an effort it's like surely can't somebody just give this to me and I didn't you know remember my step four this is how my sponsor caught me out and this is why they were painting the house right he said okay do four a day four resentments a day start with resemblance four resemblance a day and write them down write down your your feelings of ill will towards the world and i had loads you know i was ready for this but i could not write them down i would always in my head go do you know what i won't do any today but i'll do eight tomorrow and then it was like well i won' t do any today i'll 12 the next day yeah then a week would pass yeah so you times a week by four you're up in like these high numbers now and my sponsor go how are you getting on with you step four i'm going blinding he goes well bring it round just like that bring it around and i'm like holy crap and i'm quickly like trying to trying to ride it out and go for it and all this and the other one and i actually managed for the first time he viewed it i think i'd written two and actually what i've gone into was you know what i was resentful at you know i was resentful like this bloke he punched me in the face what happened i punched him in the face he punched me in the face and then in my part you know um i'd given a description of all the justifications of why i punched him in the case and there might have been a little bit of pride on my part that was all i could come up with that was my best shot at this a little bit of pride i actually wrote a little Bit of Pride you know after after a four-page essay on all the reasons why that guy needed to be punched in the Face you know and again my sponsor was very gracious and was like, Chris, I don't think you've quite got the hang of this thing just yet. It's owning up for your side of the street. I don' t care about your reasoning because your reasoning is insane. Basically, you were pissed. You don't know what you were thinking right then. You didn't know your thinking. It was deluded. It was off the scale. He said, just facts. Just the facts. You hit somebody in the face. Okay, part in that and write down these facts and i hate doing that i did you know so looking at it just reaffirmed in me my self-loathing and low self-esteem that i already had was now being proven to me in fact and i felt really really bad my sponsor kept going do you know the reason we do this is and this is what again they're so annoying sponsors because they say this sort of stuff you know they go you knowthe reason we do this chris is so that we can clear away fact find and then clear away our side of our street and then we can do the reverse of these things and live a useful, productive and healthy and exciting and valuable life. But when you're doing it and you're looking at it and you don't feel pretty good about yourself and you write down these things it doesn't feel like that. It's a slog. And I've yet to meet anybody or have any sponsor who's breezed through that and not actually found out to be a slog it is a slog facing the fact that I was a horrible human being. alcohol turned me into a nasty horrible human being who didn't know anything and this was something where again let's talk about earlier surrendering to this program the one thing that i hated to hear from my sponsor kept on saying it to me he says chris you've got absolutely nothing i want i hated that that used to just like bring me to mind just i knew he was right i knew i had think that anyone wanted you know and he used to say another thing as well that i used to just used to annoy me you know by the way i now say all of this to my sponsors yeah so yeah i annoy them just as much now and he and he he used to say you know chris you know nothing worth knowing and i used spend i reckon i spent months maybe six months thinking about that on and off thinking of an answer for that there must be something in my life prior to come in here that is worth knowing and the truth is there isn't for me there is nothing worth nothing knowing you know i knew nothing i just drank that's all i've done so so we came through these steps what happens when you come to the end of the steps yeah just people it talks you know picks it up in the book you know the basic really picks up you'll be set free you will know a new life beyond your wildest dreams so i'm like i'm ready for this i'm ready for his life beyond my wildest dream it doesn't quite happen as i was expecting it to happen you know i was expected it to happen that great i'm going to be loaded with money um i'm going to like get fast cars and have loads of women you know in my head i had an island with as well you know and this was like beyond my wireless streams i'm growing for it i'm going for it yeah it didn't work out and it came to a point where i was i was now off the streets and I was in a bed sitting as being paid for by housing or signing on sick and I was volunteering for things in society and being productive basically you know and I'm enjoying it I was really loving it and then I got offered a job but the job was only 100 quid per week and it was at the Barbican Theatre, the little Barbican theatre down here. It's only a hundred quid a week that's all they could afford you know and I call up my sponsor and I am going you know what they've offered me this job down at the barbican theater and I don't ever want to take it it's only 100 Quid because after you take out of my housing and my benefits and that i'm worse off i'm only left with 20 quid and i smoked as well at that time you know and it was like so yeah that's you've got to take that into account you know and i'm like you know i think i should stay on the sick and he asked me a question he said are you sick sponsors a pain in the ass you know i'm there and i'M GOING NO THERE'S NOTHING SICK ABOUT ME WHATSOEVER I AM NOT SICK I'M NOT SUFFERING YOU KNOW I'M HAPPY I'M SMILING I'M PRODUCTIVE I'm all the things that this program promised he said well then take the job get honest you know get honest and I got honest within two weeks they gave me a pay rise they doubled my salary within two Weeks you know within two Weaks I suddenly had more than I could believe within like a few months it was the third of oil started to bring me into some of their productions and and and that before I knew where I was I was getting offers all over the shop you know it just opened up this world that i had been completely oblivious to suddenly opened up and it's it's magical i know it sounds like you know especially if you're a newcomer you're thinking oh my god you know i mean there's these steps and traditions and they've got this format and this book and this sponsor stuff and that you're thinkin all right but for me it is truly magical i now am free and have been for a long time to do anything i want and i have done everything and beyond whatever i thought i wanted to do and that includes things like make a complete bulls up of the situation i've done that in recovery completely 100 wholeheartedly put my heart and soul into they call it a shortcoming it's a polite word for a complete bulls-up you And at that time, I know I'm going to be doing a balls-up. I know it. You know, I'm on track. I've stopped calling my sponsor. I'm not doing everything daily. I'm kind of like spirituality, not really kind of right now. Right now is all about Chris and what Chris is kind of into. And he thinks he's got it sorted. And, I mean, to put this into some sort of just sort of balls-ups I've done, I lost two million quid in my company and my house through one decision I made which was based on the man. I'm successful. I made this decision. I didn't ask, I didn'T consult. I hadn'T got to that part of my career where I should be actually making those sorts of decisions. I had no mentor, I had not wisdom about it, but I made it anyway because I thought I was the man. So pride sneaked up on me again. And I lost it all. Two days after I lost everything, and so I had to lay off staff and all the rest of this and the other. It's the first time ever, I think. I think it is the first times ever. My sponsor called me. And he said, so what are you doing? And I was honest with him. I said, I'm in bed feeling a bit sorry for myself. He said, well, you've got to feel sorry about it. And I'm like, well you know, I've just lost all the this that and the other. And he's going, when I first met you, you didn't have a lot did you Chris? When I first meet you, you were going on about like stockings and kind of like sleeping in the bus station down at Plymouth. Haven't you got a lot to be grateful for? And I think, God, give me a break. You know what I mean? Surely I deserve a break at this point. but he did exactly what i needed to hear i got up shook myself down i accepted my shortcomings i took my inventory and went i was wrong i was well you know i'd made a mistake and with that i then stepped out and corrected it i did i went through everything i had to legally and i started and i built it up all again and i'm happy you know that experience taught me something that experience there's nothing to be ashamed of you know I mean to be this kind of thinking that somehow going out into the life I'm living a spiritual journey and making a mistake I don't feel ashamed about that I feel enlightened you know there is I think it's I can't remember who said it but somebody wise from old times they said that you know to do something once you know it's normal It shows an inquisitive mind to do it once. To do something twice could be seen as prudent. You're checking out, you're doing the right thing. To do it three times is your insight. So that sums up our drinking. That sums up some of the things I've done in recovery. And what I've learned in recovery is to learn quickly. Open myself up to learning, to teachability. Am I teachable? Can I learn from my mistakes? Yes, I fall over. Yes, i make a mistake. can I learn? And one of the greatest learning paths is making amends straight away when you've made a mistake or you've done something out of order. You know, so you're at work or you're doing whatever and you lose it with someone and you say a few things that you kind of wish you wouldn't. To begin with, when I started on this learning path, you know, I would call them whatever and walk away not apologize and I would stew about it for about a week you know muddling it over going and somehow it was justified knowing damn right it wasn't justified I was wrong I was just behaving badly you know and then I'll have to go and make amends a week later all right it's hard I felt embarrassed about that yeah then you know this learning curve same thing will happen again and it will take me three days and then two days and one day And then now, in my life, and for many, many years actually, when I make a mistake, I apologise immediately. Right there and then, I go, that's just wrong. It's wrong to say that. It doesn't matter whether that person is doing a good job or not. It's right. It's all wrong. And I just apologise. To be able to live in a place where, you know, when you're sat in an interview for a job or whatever, and you lie, a lie pops up. Yes, I can do that. Because you're enthusiastic. You want the job. you want whatever it is that you're going after so you you say yes i can do something i can't do well i've done loads of times in recovery but i have found that the jobs that they have been given to me were the jobs i lied and then immediately i went i don't know why i lied but i just have lied i can'T actually do that but i'm willing to learn they have always given me the job you know and there's me thinking i mean i'm i'm you know i've gone red-faced and i'm feeling embarrassed and it's like, you know, I know better than this. I've got spiritual principles and I'm lying to you that I can do something that I cannot. And I admitted it. But I also then tell them I've, I've got the willingness, well actually, I'll take one stage further, I have got the incentive to actually put in action to learn the qualities that you're looking for. And that brings me then beautifully to oh, that's probably been on for a long time, has it? Just started? Okay, lovely. Um, but it brings me on to like spiritual kind of like the spiritual aspect of this program what does that actually mean you know i thought it meant thinking to begin with getting on my knees and thinking you know and saying a few prayers and that has changed so much spirituality is action it is pure and simple action now what does action actually mean yeah it means enjoying and living life to the full is there anything in life that you've never tried and there's no reason why you haven't tried so for example abseiling rock climbing you know reading a classic novel to going to the theater going through the ballet going to a desert island going snorkeling going diving going sailing go all these things anything but you've never done you know and you've no you have no experience whether you even enjoy it or not the action i found was to have a go at everything and i threw myself into this and i had a guy everything yeah and even now you know only like a few years ago i took up basketball and i was taught by 15 16 17 year olds teaching me i'd never bounced a basketball in my life down at the park where i live in london and these boys were teaching me how to play basketball I loved it. That made me feel so kind of connected to society. I now have a relationship with these young lads, you know, and we talk and we talked about issues of drinking and all the rest of this, that and that, as well as issues of life. And it was the action of just having a go. If there's no good reason why you shouldn't try something, you know how we put off things? I mean, I used to put them off all the time, you now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just stick to going to the snooker hall. I kind of, I feel quite comfortable there. I feel uncomfortable going in and trying, like, martial arts or boxing or something where I'd never done it before. You know, I didn't do any sport as a kid, as you can probably imagine. But, you know,I didn't try it before, I'dnever been to the theatre before. I started my career in the theatre, youknow? I've been round the world,youknow? I've seen things and enjoyed things. the past once I accept my defeat which I did easily that I was beaten by alcohol accept the solution and work it it then gives me a chance to become a man a true man I drank because I couldn't grow up quick enough I wanted to be a man I wanted to be a man in a pub. I wanted to be one of these geezers who was down the clubs. Well, that didn't happen. No, I mean, I ended up just drunk, homeless, on the street without a family. I now truly know what it is to be a man, a grown-up who is responsible, who actually wakes up and knows when it is time to actually get off and do stuff, to help others. I know what het is to actually have a go at life. And even though I might be a bit nervous and frightened, I have a go. And I've become the man that I've always wanted to become through learning principles. And people often go, what are the spiritual principles? And they often ask me to talk about that. And spiritual principles are simply all in those 12 steps. If you do those 12 Steps, you will learn them. And then when you practice them, your life will just explode before you. a world that you never saw before. Plymouth is where I got sober, and I'm grateful for every single member who was there then and is still here today. Thank you. APPLAUSE Thank you for listening.