The Threefold Illness of Mind, Body, and Soul – Joe C.

Thank you, Charlie. It's a privilege and an honor to be here this evening, and I want to thank you, the ones that invited me, for letting me come and share with you. See, I came because I have to give this thing away to keep it. I didn't come to impress anybody but myself and I'm very grateful that I was asked and I want to tell you this because I get carried away. I'm liable to forget and I can tell you in a very simple little statement see they say this is a complicated program for simple people and I wanted a simple one. I'll tell you real quick what it means to me and then I can go on. There's like a chicken and a hog walking down the road in Arkansas. And that chick looked up and seen a sign that said, Ham and eggs, 40 cents. And looked over at that hog and said, you know, that's a fair price for them ham and eggs. That hog said, yeah, to you this is a little wear and tear when you're behind. But to me, this is the matter of life and death. I am Joe Crawford, and I am an alcoholic, and my name is Joe Crawford. And I'm piling sober alcohol by listing in the name of a power greater than myself, who I choose to call a loving God. I'm sober again today, applying the twelve suggested steps of recovery to my life as I understand them with a lot of help from a lot wonderful people just like in this room, attending a lot of AA meetings with an honest desire to be sober more than drunk. I have found a way that I can go one 24-hour period without taking a drink of alcohol or any other brain-changing chemical, and for me this is no coincidence. It's indeed a miracle. I drank just like each and every one of you. I might have drank more than some of you. Maybe I didn't drink as much as some of you. I think the only thing that's different in our drinking is just different places, different times and different situations. I'm not one really that thinks Alcoholics Anonymous is the only place you can dry out but I think it's the only place that I can stay sober. You see I didn'y dry out in Alcoholics Anonymous. I got out in the nut house on the back ward in Austin, Texas, and I heard all my life alcohol affected your brain. And I believe this, but I was different. It wouldn't happen to me. It could happen to you. See, I was unique. But I woke up there with them other wet brains thinking who in the world would have ever thought it? you know i've got a sponsor i've got a lot of sponsors but one of my favorite sponsors when i come in fresh out of the med house he told me he said uh joe i'm gonna make this program real simple for you said i know you drank like i did and he said you're gonna hear things that you gotta do this and you gotta do that and people are going to tell you all kinds of different things. But he said, I'm going to make this program real simple for you so you don't have to do one thing and that's change your whole damn life. I was born in a little old town in East Texas, a little baby boy. I had a mama and a father and I didn't particularly hate my mama and love my daddy. I didn' t particularly love my dad and hate my momma. I just stand different towards both of them. I hear those in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous says there's no must and what I say tonight is pertaining to me and all I know about me is you've told me or I've read it in the big book of Alcoholic Anonymous. Now, there's those that said there's no must. Well, in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's a must for me. It says drinking is but a symptom of the problem. That selfishness and self-centeredness, that we think is the root of the problems. And we must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us. Now, I didn't think I was very selfish when I got here. I'd share a drink with anybody, you know. But as I look back over my life and think as a child, I was very selfish. I think I had all the traits of an alcoholic before I ever took the first drink. In other words, I hear some people say they cross over a line into alcoholism. I believe I was born over the line because I had All the Traits and the Character Defects alcoholic before I ever took the first drink. Because as a child, I learned real early in life that all I had to do was get down on the floor and kick my feet and squall and roll and I'd get my way. And I knew I was very selfish with these other children. We'd play games like little boys play, you know, cowboy and Indian. They wouldn't let me be the head honcho like Buck Jones or Hoot Gibson. I'd get on my stick horse and ride off. And I always had a feeling these children didn't even like me. We could play hide-and-go-seek, and there wasn't none of them hunting me. I could just stay here. And all they knew that I was different. I couldn't talk to the little girls like the other boys could. Because you see, I was big, fat, and ugly and frack of face, and I didn't snuff. And I still don't snff. But let me tell you something. Let me tell you something, long about the time I was 13, a friend of mine, incidentally this man went on to be a very successful man, he introduced me to some wine. You see, I didn' t become a wino, I started out a winos. Now, I remember my friend telling me he didn't like this wine. And that made me feel good because I always felt like there ain't going to be enough. I could have a 55-gallon barrel sitting beside me and I'd have a feeling it ain't enough. I worked as a longshoreman for many years. I worked in the hold of some mighty big ships, hold thousands and thousands of cases of alcohol I'd have the feeling it ain't enough. It's always been there, ain't enough. But anyway, I've had a lot of trouble. I've been in a lot of trouble.I've been a lot of jailhouses. I don't know all these things. And alcohol has always been in the picture from the very beginning. Every time I got in trouble, alcohol was in the picture. The first time I got drunk on this wine, it changed me, like the big book of Alcoholics anonymous said, from a Dr. Jackal to a Mr. Hyde. And you see, I pursued this just as long as I was willing to pay the price to drink. Now when I talk about the price for me to drink, it ain't the shakes and it ain'T the mild DTs and it Ain't hallucinations and it AIN'T monetary things and it ain't a materialistic thing. It's what it speaks of in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous in the 11th chapter. And those of you that's been there know what I'm talking about. And thoseofyou that hadn't, my hope and my prayer for you is that you don't have to go there. I can't completely quote it, but you can read my story on the 11st chapter on the first two pages. In the beginning, It was wonderful and gay imagination that life was wonderful, that life was good. But not so in the last days. Loneliness settled in and it even got blacker. And it goes on to get worse than that. It says there will come a time in your life that you cannot imagine life with it or without it and then you'll know loneliness as few do and you will wish for the end i know i've been there and i've changed this stuff changed me from a dr jackal to a mr hyatt i stole the man's automobile they don't like that in texas east texans particularly and this old judge may his old soul rest in peace. He said, son, I'm not going to sit in your dad's reformatory. He says, you're a good boy. He just promised me that you won't ever drink no more of that alcohol. He said, that sure has ruined a bunch of good men and killed a bunch of them. And I made that old judge a promise that I made many, many times later, thousands of times. Your honor, I won't never take another drink as long as I live. And if I do, I hope and pray to God it killed me. And it dang near did. I'll tell you that. Anyway, it wasn't long until I had to have some more of this mind-changing stuff. Moon. It changed my feelings. So I got drunk again on this wine. And I knew I'd done wrong. and I started running and I run into a little old town down there in southeast Texas by the name of Houston and I landed right out in the nice end of that town right on waterfront a lot of people say they go down to Skid Row well I was raised up on Skid Raw and down there there were some big strong men and they was two-fisted drinkers and I wanted to be just like them and for the next 27 years I measured a man by how tough he was and how much he could drink. I got a real good driving record for alcoholics, only eight DWIs, and that's 365 days in a year. And I was guilty of it 300, but not so in the last year because I wasn't able to operate too good. And I'd been thrown out of the United States Air Force, literally kicked out by the time I was 21 years old. Habits and ways on becoming a soldier. They didn't tell me what the habit was, but I found out when I got to UP. I was a stoned alcoholic then. And I come back out of this office for a while. Married a nice, sweet little girl. I used to say that she stayed with me because she loved me or felt awful sorry for me. But I know today it's by God's grace. I had to have somebody to take care of me. I remember we was married maybe six months. The way I drank, I drank till I could get all I could stand. I'd get full. It might take me a week, it might take two weeks, it might take a month, but brother, I was very dedicated to drinking. I went to Dragon Inn, I think we'd been married about six months, and this little old girl was packing her clothes. And I said, woman, what in the world are you doing? She said, Joe, I'm packing. I said I'm leaving. I've just had all this, I can stand. I said, well honey, if you'll pack mine, I'll leave with you. So about that time my drinking was really bothering them policemen there in Houston and it was bothering my friends. But it ain't never bothered me too bad. And we moved on back up a little town in East Texas, and I tacked to this thing as a moral issue. And we started going to church in Sunday school. And I said, if these policemen ever get me again, they'll get me for singing too loud in this church house. But I had some kind of a little awakening, and I wanted to give it away. Now, if you can imagine a rummy deciding he wants to become a preacher, well, that's what happened. So I moved a little further on up in East Texas, and I went to a little Bible school. Now, I know what these people are talking about, these dry drunks. Because along about six months, things went along pretty smooth. But after about nine months, something was happening. I was going crazy as hell. And I couldn't tell them brothers that I think what I really need is a drink. Because they were talking about everything that I love. And so then I couldn'T get my mind on my business. My mind was on my friends on that waterfront. And they were going to drink and die and go to hell, and it was my duty to get back down there and save their souls. So I got me a backseat load of Bibles and songbooks and pamphlets, and I was out to save my friends. At that time, it's about 200-and-something miles from Marshall to Houston. There wasn't but one big joint that I knew of, and it was right there in the Harris County line. But I found out later there's lots of them back out in them woods and all the way down I was telling myself what a fine fellow I had been and how I really needed to drink and there wouldn't nobody know it no way if I took one beer. So when I got up even with that beer joint I hooked in and took that one beer and I sobered up 19 years later in the nuthouse. Now this particular drunk That judge down at Victoria, Texas, dried me out. See, I've dried out a lot of ways. A lot of them iron cures. See, it was more important for me to take a drink of wine than it was to hit the bridge out that river in Victoria and run off in the river. Now, if you've ever seen a pretty scene, if you can imagine a drunk laying down there, you know, laughing, them songbooks and wine bottles floating around, And this boy that was with me, incidentally, a couple of years ago, he was killed in an automobile accident under the influence of alcohol. I remember he was up on the bank and there was a colored lady there. I said, anybody in that car? He said, yes, ma'am, there's an old drunk Baptist preacher. She said, Lord, have mercy save that man. I might have been better off, you know. Now, I look at it this way. It took every knock that I got on my head. it took every jail I went to it took ever heart I broke to get me to where I'm at today to this very moment to be with you people well it's a long story and I kept on drinking, you know how I would do going to quit anytime I wanted to I knew that I could quit because everybody told me if I wanted too I'd quit and I was having a little trouble long about this time it was about three years before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous I sat and ate and suppled one night and had some kind of an attack and my dear little old wife rushed me to the doctor and that's where I found out easier soft to wait and she of course they kept me in that hospital now you say I went there for my nerves found out I had cirrhosis of the liver, and I had to quit drinking. I said, it's all right, Doc. I can quit any time I want to. And so I didn't drink no more. But you see, I knew all about them goose balls. You all know what I'm talking about, them tranquilizers, them Blue Heaven, them Black Molly, them Los Angeles turnaround, them Red Bird, Yellow Jacket, Christmas Tree, you know, just anything. for a crutch, and I got on them so bad there until I'd have to take alcohol to get off of them. Then I'd get on that alcohol and had to take the pills to get out of the alcohol. I got to where I didn't know where I was coming or going, man, I was so confused. Anyway, finally this doctor told my wife, said, you tell that boy don't come back in my office. Said he's too heart-breaking, said he's literally dying. He said I've gone just as far with him as my medical experience will carry me. Said he'll have to get somebody that's been further than I have. And she called a council on alcoholism and they recommended another doctor, a liver specialist. And I went to him and the first thing he done was looked at me. He said, you're about to start looking for a piece of human flesh that's been in my office for many years. He said I can't do nothing for you, so what you need is Alcoholics Anonymous. I agreed to go. I went downtown and went to this AA meeting. Y'all wasn't talking about nothing concerning me because I wasn't drinking. I was eating them Gooseballs. and talking about steps, and ego, and character defects, and I didn't have none of that. So I went down. But did you know that was the most important AA meeting I ever went to in my life? Every AA meeting I've ever been to has been very important. On October 26, 1969, when my drinking had done move from here up, it wasn't from here down anymore. It was right up here between my horns. And that alcohol wouldn't put out that little thing that I call my conscience anymore. I couldn't hide it. In October 26, 1969, I remember what this man said. He said, A power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity. And I said, My God, that's it. I'm crazy. And I went home and I'd done something I'd never done in many times. But somehow or another, I believe this woman knew that I meant what I was talking about because she'd been going to Al-Anon. I didn't know this. See, I went home a lot of times and I begged this wife of mine to help me. I'd go home like an old sick dog licking my wound. Baby, if you'll just help me get over this one. I promise you I won't never take another drink as long as I live. I'll go to work and I'll buy that little farm you've been wanting and you can quit working. And everything's going to be all right. And then she'd get me over it and maybe I'd make ten days. And I'd go dragging in again and she'd say, Joe, Joe, thought you wasn't going to do that no more. You hush your damn mouth, woman. It ain't none of your business how much I drink. And it ain't bothering you no way. And I'll drink it till the day I die. Well anyway, I think she knew I meant business and then she mentioned that she'd been talking to the doctor about me and he said that I was in a bad state of depression. Said that I needed to go to Austin. Well, I hit the ceiling. I said, woman do you know who you're talking to? And then I thought I'm asking for help. So I agreed to go Austin but I didn't know they were going to throw me in there, them other wet brains. I'll tell you how my thinking was. They kept me in there three or four days before I could answer some simple questions like, how many chickens can you put in a cook? Well, on the fourth day, I think I said, well, doctor, how big is a cook? So they took me out of there and they sent me over to the alcoholic ward. And right there is where I went to the second most important AA meeting I've ever been to in my life. Now, I was kind of reluctant to go to this meeting because, you see, they were going to drive up beside this ward with a bus and on the side of this bus it got something wrote on it about the mentally insane. And here I am, a big shot like me, a good shot long showman from Houston, and everybody in Austin, Texas is going to know I'm on that bus. Now, they was a power greater than I am that got me on that bus. I got on there and got way back to back. And when they pulled up, I darted and runned into AA. And I heard something out of that night. I probably heard it a million times. And it never meant one thing to me. But this lady says, I have a peace of mind tonight. And I said, my God, that's what I'm looking for. And then she spoke of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I went back to the nuthouse there, and you know how us old drunks are. We pick out somebody we think we're a little smarter than they are, maybe a little bit above them, you know, and I grabbed this old boy and I said, hey man, what's that big book deal? See, I thought it was the Bible, and i done tried that Bible and it didn't work for me because I wasn't through drinking at that time. He said, oh, that's a book wrote for them old alcoholics. I said, wait a minute now. I told you when I first met you, I ain't no alcoholic. I said the only reason I'm up here is I've got cirrhosis of the liver and my central nervous system shot all to hell. But I said if a man wanted one of those books, where would he find one? And they go, you know how they take us drunks? Those real smart rummages, you knows, they need us. They put us on committees, and they'd give me a little room. I went and checked me out one of these books. I'd like to tell you, I went in there and picked it up and started reading it and really understood it. That ain't it. You see, I had malnutrition of the mind. I hadn't fed my mind a decent thought in so many years. And I went to Mr. Bob, and I said, Bob, I can't understand what I'm reading. He said, Joe, you've conveyed a whole portion of your life to me. And he said, you didn't get in this shape overnight. And he says, you ain't going to get out of it overnight. I said, well, how about sending over and give me a shock treatment? But boy, let me tell you something. I got some friends and they've been plugged in and I'm glad they didn't send me over there. He told me, he said you just get back in there and keep reading. And finally I read it before he said it's an illness. Now I could buy this. An illness. It wasn't just that old sorry no good nothing. I thought it was. I've been sick all this time. They told me I didn't need to drink, but then they'd tell me not how—how not to drink. See, I didn' t come to the program of alcoholics, and now I must learn how to drink for others, because I knowed how to drank. I drank five years after I couldn't even drink no more. That's how well I liked to drink! And I got to reading in that book where it said it was a threefold illness—physical, mental and spiritual. Well, physically I was the finished product of the brewer's art. And mentally, like I say, I had gangrene of the mind, malnutrition and spiritually grand green of the soul. But I read in there where it said I'd have to let go of my old ideas. My brothers, I've had an old idea that there wasn't no God. If there was one, he wasn't going to do nothing for me because I'd done rank to play on him. I remember one time there in Houston, I wrote a bunch of hot checks, and I turned them over to God. He'd give them to the district attorney because they were going out. And I liked to go to the penitentiary. But I don't know. Some of you there, and I've done this a lot of times in these old jailhouses. I'd slip and slid around, you know. But this night I slipped down on my knees just like I'd done in them old jailhouses a lot of times. But he never bust them doors open for me like he did old Paul and Silas. I had to do that one day at a time just like him doing this. Now, I might have had a little humility to it. I said, God, I don't know too much about you. But I think if I do know your will for me is you don't want me to drink. And I sure do want to drink Well, since that day I ain't wanted to drink. I can't explain it to you and I don't want to explain it to you. I just know it happened." He said, �Do you know where the 24-hour club is in Houston?� I said, no sir. He said that's a club that stays open 24 hours a day. And it all turned out it's eight blocks from my house. And we celebrated our 17th anniversary about three months ago. So I come on in, and I went to bouncing up on the porch. And I'm going to tell you all, my sponsor—I've got a lot of sponsors, he's rough—and he told me what I needed to know, not what I wanted to hear but what I needed to hear. See, I used to drink with this old boy, and I used get in a lot trouble with him. And I always said if I ever got like him, I'd do something about my drinking. But this old And when I walked in the door, there he sat. He'd been sitting there for nineteen years then. He looked up at me and said, Joe, you got your drinkin' over here? He said, If you have, you're in the right place. And he said, if you ain't, you get back out there and get it over with and come on back. He said there ain't no angle shooter around here, and I said we done shot him. Said that's what got us here. He said now in case you lost your wife, you can probably find you one of them. And in case you think drinking is what got you in the trouble you're in, I can assure you, you're at the right place. If I had any advice to give you, I'd tell you to get over there around that table. They've got a big round table. And they have people there all hours of the day and night. He said, Joe, you've got all kinds of people in AA. He said you've Got the sickest people in the world walk through them doors. And he said everything that's glittered in AA ain't gold. He said, you've got some people in here that have got matrimonial problems. He said you've Got some people In here that've got sex problems. And he said, You've got Some old boys in here That've got one hell of a drinking problem. I said, Now if you'll get with them and watch what they do, You can learn how to stay sober. So I went over to that table And I met the most wonderful people I ever met in my life. They didn't ask me where I come from, If I'd ever been in a jailhouse, Or if I had any money in my pocket, or if I'd ever been in a mud house. They didn't even ask me why. And that's the only truth I had left in me when I got these people. I didn't know why, and they knew I didn' t know why. And they invited me back, and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous went to work for me that day because it had been many days since I'd been invited back. And I just stayed with them 100 days a night or more. and I went home just long enough to change clothes get a little sleep and just get back over there because you people got what I want and I need you today worse than I did the day I walked through them doors because today I know what I need when I come in them doors I just hurt them and I didn't want to hurt them my old sponsor one of them old sponsors he's an old retired seaman God bless his old heart can't get around much anymore i needed a doctor and i think my higher power sent me one we was together as much as 18 20 hours a day and we're running around in all directions at both times don't show up ever drunk and eased in i think now all we're doing just spread the disease on most of them but we're staying sober and then i started going to the penitentiary i'm not apologizing for I'm not going to the pen for life or some big sentence, because God knows these boys up there are doing a lot of time for things—a lot less than I've ever done. And that's where I identified with the boy. I was sitting there in the walls. This God that I understood in the beginning of my sobriety was a God that I feared. And I was sitting out there about on the front row. This boy lied to penitentiary today, he discharged a twenty-year sentence. He said that the higher power that he put his trust in was the Creator of heaven and the Creator earth and everything visible and everything invisible. And he said if anything was to be so it was because God wanted it to be that way. And he said, if you believe in nothing, he said you are nothing. He said nothing times nothing is nothing. And I thought back over my life as a child, I used to go to church on Sundays too. I used rang that old church bell and that old deacon or preacher would give me a nickel or dime, but I had to put it back in the hat. And that old preacher would get up there every Sunday morning and he'd say, a man without God is nothing, and that's what I was when I got to you people. a double-ought zero. And I was over to meet him at the Wynn farm about eight months ago, there was a new man there at intermission and I said, Red, how much time did you bring with you? He said, Joe, I brought two ninety-nine year sentences with me. He said I killed two people I love very dear. And he said I was in a blackout and I had no defense. But when I walked out the gates of that penitentiary, I thanked my God from the bottom of my heart. At the time that I woke up there around Houston, just any direction, thinking that I was so important that some good Samaritan had drove me there. And I didn't know about these blackouts until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember my first blackout. I was in the Navy, I mean in the Air Force. I was over in South Carolina, Greenville, South Carolina. I spent most of my time either in the stockade or rehabilitation center. But for this unknown reason, I had a three-day pass. And I went home with this boy to Spartanburg, South Colorado. And that's where I got introduced to white lightning. I don't know, y'all might not have ever drank none of that. And we went up in the mountains, I remember this, and we went in a dance hall. The next thing I remember, a doctor was looking me in the eye and said, Son, I didn't expect you to make it through the night. Now they tell me I had a wonderful time. And they tell Me I jumped on one of them hillbillies and he operated on me. 188 stitches. And I didn' t know this. And I thought I was the only one that could look at them light bulbs and get that music out of them. And I thought I was the only one with me there. And I didn't know about these blackouts until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember my first blackout when I was in the Navy, I mean in the Air Force. I was over in South Carolina, Greenville, South Carolina. I spent most of my time either in a stockade or a rehabilitation center, but for this unknown reason, I had a three-day pass. And I went home with this boy to Spartanburg, South Carolina. And that's where I got introduced to white lightning. I don't know, y'all might not never drink none of that. And we went up in the mountains. I remember this. We went in a dance hall. The next thing I remember, a doctor was looking me in the eye and said, Son, I didn't expect you to make it through the night. Now they tell me I had a wonderful time. And they tell me I jumped on one of them hillbillies and he operated on me—188 stitches! And I didn't know this, and I thought I was the only one that could look at those light bulbs and get that music out of them. And I thought that I was only one that had to run over. I'd go in home and ask my wife, I'd say, Who brought me home last night? Well, baby, did nobody bring you home? Don't you remember eating—oh yeah, I remember, quick as she'd turn her back, run around and look out the window at how many fenders had I knocked off my car. Because I'm telling you, it got so bad there at the last, I could be in jail, and when they'd come in there and tell me it was a DWI, I'd just say, boy, just a DWi. Now, boy that's bad, because I didn't know whether I'd kill somebody or didn't. And I went to a meeting up the country, and I know this boy wasn't telling no tale, Because I told that same thing. And a guy come up and said, yeah, Joe, he did. Said he'd have killed his other little baby if they hadn't have grabbed it and run with it. Said he was telling you the truth. I'll tell you, I hear them say that alcohol is the number three killer. My opinion is it's the number one. I can go to any given hospital in any given city You sit in the emergency room, nine out of ten that comes in there will be directly or indirectly alcohol or being a pitcher. Eighty-five percent of our boys is locked up up there in Texas, alcohol or drugs. I'm very grateful today that God saw fit for me to find the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was six months except in the first step of this program, really. I admitted it and I sat at them round table meetings every morning, and one morning I looked down that table—they got another little table they put on the end of it, it's a pretty nice-sized meeting—and for the first time in my life I saw other human beings. I had an emotional feeling for the very first time about another human being. I said, my God, I do love these people, and I am like them. And then things began to happen. I went back to Waco, and I run into this same man. He looked at me and said, Joe, you ain't growing in this program. He said, Joel, have you took the fourth and fifth step? I said man, yes, I've read all about them steps. I said, I've read the Alcoholics Anonymous Comments of Age I've red the Big Book I've Red the Little Red Book I've Read Stools and Bottles I said I read all about them He said, Joe have you took them And he turned over there and he said Half Majors Availeth Nothing He said Joe you're just half doing this Like you've done everything all your life And then he turned Over there and said the reason we think they drank Again, they didn't completely Clean house Then he turned on over there and read to me, said it ain't better for any alcoholic's mind that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only requirement is he clean house and trust God. I said, now you tell me how to take that step and I'll take it. He said, I can't tell you how to do it. I can tell you what I've done. So I went back to Houston and I took the fourth step. I was out there on the job one day I was going plum crazy. I knew something was wrong, and I knew what it was. And I went home and started taking the fourth step. And then a month later, I took this fourth step and I hit it in an old suit I had. I didn't want my wife to find it. Then I grabbed it and run to Waco with it, and i took the fifth step with this man. He asked me if I wanted to take it in his office, in his home it was about 12 o'clock at night he said there's a church open down here he said we could go down there I said I'd prefer to go to a church I don't really know what kind of church it was I just knew it wasn't no Baptist church and we sat down there and I started reading this off to this man and some more of this old trash and corruption come out of me and you know when I got through there it's just like it says in the big book i found a new freedom the book says it will be amazed before we're halfway through and you see i can't throw no rocks at nobody today in alcoholics anonymous or out of alcoholics anonymous and then when it come down there i used to tell them in our group when i first got there i said i ain't got no character defects because i ain'T got no cat so they told me and showed me y'all have. I've got character and it's all defective and from the fourth to the ninth step of this program God restored to me the greatest feature that God ever bestowed upon man and that's my self-respect back and I know you won't respect me any more than I respect myself and I'm going to when I drink again God restored me to that much sanity. When I don't need you people, when I don'T need a power greater than I am And when my mind goes closed to your convictions and your ideas, then I'll get drunk. You see, it's like the old doctor says in the beginning of the book, the alcoholic drinks till he cannot differentiate the truth from the false anymore. So the only normal life for him is the alcoholic life. So you see, I'm in an abnormal state today, but I've had a daily reprieve by asking. See, I don't know everything I've done last Monday, but I know three things I didn't do. I didn' t forget to ask God to help me through the day not to take a drink and I did not drink and I didn''t forget to say thank you. And that's two words I didn ''t know when I got to you people was please and thank you. Today they've become very important to me. I thank the program of Alcoholics Anonymous as the greatest fellowship on the face of the earth today. It rebuilds lives, it reunites families, and it restores people to sanity. I know this. It's done it for me. I think it's the greatest gift that God gave the 20th century. And y'all might not believe every word I said to you, but believe this, I love every one of you. And used to a man tell me he loved me, I'd have my thoughts about that man, but it ain't that-a-way today. I know what spirituality means today, man's humanity to man—to be needed, to be wanted, and to be loved. For me that's what it means because I wasn't very wanted, and I sure wasn't needed, and didn't nobody love me. See, I found my God really in the eyes and hearts of you people, and he's told me everything I know through one of you, because that's the way he works. When he wants me to know something, if I sit there with an open mind, with a cotton out of my ears and my mouth and listen, I'll hear what I need to hear to make one more day. My old sponsor, he's gone on a ship now. He's having a lot of trouble too, and he's had twenty years. Well, that shows me that, brother, I ain't immune to it. I believe what y'all tell me. It gets worse. It's aggressive. The further I stay away from it, the more aggressiveness it gets. And, brother., it was bad enough when I got here. And I don't have no words of wisdom. But if there's any new ones here, I can only tell you what they told me. and they told me what somebody told them. It'd come out of the big book. Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Confess your faults to him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of the past and give freely of what you find and come join us. We'll be with you in the fellowship and other spirit. God bless you. God keep you because I do need you And those of you that pray, pray for me.