The Three Musketeers and the Art of Working with Others – John W.

Thank you very much. were written in 1938, December of 1938, in the form that we see them today. Prior to that, in 1934, when the Oxford Group got Ebby sober, there was pretty much like only six steps, or basically three, trust God, clean house, help others. The way the six steps were written, and I have to read this, was one, admitted that we were licked, that we're powerless over alcohol. Two, made a moral inventory of our defects or sins. Three, confessed or shared our shortcomings with another person in confidence. Four, made restitution to all those we had harmed by our drinking. Five, tried to help other alcoholics with no thought of reward in money or prestige. And six, pray to whatever God we thought there was for power to practice these precepts. If I saw those on the wall when I first got here, I'd say, whoa, no, not me. I'm not going to do that. Number one, you had that three-letter word in there, God. and when I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous I didn't know if there was or there wasn't and could care less I had a brother who I thought was an atheist who came into AlcoholicsAnonymous six years before I did and you changed him as it says in the big book we will find God pretty much after doing the fifth step we'll start to see that there is something greater than us. And I just couldn't see that. I really couldn't when I got here. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous four months dry. I stayed dry out of fear of going to prison because I knew if I drank, I would drink. You know, and I'd drink and then drink. And if I did that, I'd end up driving. And if i did that i'd end of getting arrested and if I ended up getting arrested again I was going away to jail, prison and I wasn't going to do that either so I stayed dry out of fear I did not want to come into Alcoholics Anonymous I was sent here by the courts and when I got here I knew you people were drinking You couldn't be happy. You couldn'T be happy walking around like that, you know, not drinking. Nobody could be happy not drinking I was miserable Anyway, so That's that God thing I had to learn about that As I said, Bill wrote the The steps for the big book in 1938 In the beginning He had six. He intended to expound upon those six. He wanted to make it more comprehensive for the drunk that was just coming in the door, the one that wasn't here yet, so that they could understand what this program was about. He was very strong on making a suggestion. at the time and if you read this book it talks about having the liberals and the conservatives it's not political it's just the way they were about the program he had some people like Howard who didn't think God ought to belong in the steps at all when Bill sat down and he actually started writing or expounding on the six steps and changing them. In 7, where we humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings, it said on our knees in the original form, if you have the transcript of the big book. That had to come out because there's very few alcoholics coming into this program. If they saw it get down on your knees, it would actually do that, especially today because we're so smart today. We're so intelligent. Our intelligence just keeps us drinking. But that had to go out. The part where it always said there was a lot of God when the 12 steps were first originally written and the atheists and agnostics really rebelled against that, they ended up putting in that phrase, as we understand him, and that helped. So a lot of that stuff had to be moved around. The steps were... Next page. They had to tone down the God stuff a lot. Then once they did all of that, in step two, they actually took God out of there and made it a power graded on ourselves because they didn't want to throw God in there too quickly, so they stepped it back on. They took it out of step two, left it in step three. And they put in the phrase, God as we understand him or understood him. And then it says, here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery. We have to always remember that the 12 steps are just suggested. And they're only suggestions only. And that was hard for me to begin to understand in the beginning. Let's get into my recovery now. The way I took the steps was a fight, an inside fight with myself. I never took any step unless I was going to drink or commit suicide. See, the thing I didn't understand, taking the step, That was the unknown. The other two things I knew could help. That one didn't, you know. I had a loving sponsor, a caring sponsor. Not somebody who beat me over the head with the big book. Not somebody Who beat me Over the head With the 12 and 12. He didn't force the literature down my throat. He said, I suggest that you read this. It'll help you. And I would read it. And he'd suggest pages to solve my problems. And I say pages. He wouldn't point out the page I had to read. He would point out the section I needed to read so I'd get the full understanding of what was on that page. He helped me in so many ways. When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I had been working for the phone company for a little over 10 years. I was on the phone all day long. I did not want to pick up the phone at night. I didn't have a driver's license. I had a restricted driver's license so I could work. But come evenings, I wasn't supposed to drive. And people suggested that maybe I ought to call somebody so I can get a ride rather than get arrested for driving without a license because then I could lose my license permanently. I didn' t understand that. I didn''t understand that a driver''s license was a privilege. So my sponsor would pick me up in my driveway and he'd take me home. And when we'd get to my driveway at the end of the night, I'd go, are you going to go to a meeting tomorrow night? And he says, I'm not sure. Give me a call. And I'd pick up the phone when I got home from work and I'd call him. And I would say, are you gone out tonight? And he would say yeah. Be in your driveway, 615, 630, 7 o'clock. I'll pick you up. We'll go to the meeting. And when I'd got in the car, I always asked where we were going. And he'd always say, shut up. It doesn't concern you. all you need to know is that you're going to a meeting. And my sponsor was the booking person for my group. My group is the Patterson Group of AA in Putnam County. When I first came around in Put nam County, there was only like seven or eight groups throughout the whole county. I could plan my week around three groups, no more than 15 to 20 minutes from my house for the whole week. but every once in a while he would take me I'd get in the car like I'd get home at like quarter to six and I'd get out of my car and get in his and the next thing I know I'd end up in Albany I'd end up in Port Jervis I'd end up in Brooklyn I'd end up in Nassau County I'd end up in Manhattan I even ended up in New Jersey it was great riding in the car with him I talked about my life and he talked about his little did I know that I was actually doing my fourth and fifth step in the cart every time we drove around when he actually put me on my fourth step I was scared to write it down but I did and when I shared it in my fifth step it was done in a diner in Brewster six o'clock in the evening rush hour people are getting off the train they're stopping off they're eating it must have been family night the place was crowded it's a little tiny diner i don't think you can fit more than 40 people in there we're sitting in a booth and reading my fifth step and after i was done he said go to a meeting so i went to a meet-up meeting. I didn't share completely in my fifth step. I left a lot of stuff because I was afraid to tell him. I had been talking to him for months in the car, but now all of a sudden I'm afraid to talk to him. After I left, I didn'T feel right because I still held back some things. I HAD NEVER HEARD HIM SHARE ANYTHING THAT I EVER TALKED TO HIM about. But I was still afraid. The following weekend, outside of my home group, we sat down on a wall and I shared completely what was going on with me because he was so open in that diner with me. And after I was done, he gave me a hug and welcomed me to AA. I I wasn't into hugging men, but I felt so good. I actually felt like I was welcomed. I turned around and I walked back inside to the home group because we did this during the beginners meeting. I went to the open meeting. And after the open meet, there were a bunch of people who came up to me and said welcome to AA, gave me a hug. My sponsor had left. He hadn't talked to anybody. I watched him. I wanted to make sure he didn't have a tape recorder or something or passing around tapes or anything. He didn't talk to anybody. I couldn't understand how all these people all of a sudden knew that I did my fifth step. I didn't tell them. He suggested that I go home and read the big book. He gave me the pages to read. I hesitated and didn't do that. Two months later, I was sitting on a stage where we were having our beginners meeting and I was yelling at somebody who came in because they weren't getting this. They drank again. This must have been about five or six times this person had drank. You know, they'd come into the program, go out and drink, come in, go out to drink and I yelled at them. My sponsor pulled me aside and he says, you didn't read those pages like I asked you to. I said, what do you mean? I read them. No, you didnít because if I did, a lot of that anger that I had inside of me wouldn't have come out on somebody else. So I went home and read the steps I read six and seven, sat down and started doing eight. I sat down with my sponsor after I had my eight-step list and we went over everything. Only when I was completely ready to make amends to everybody that was on that list, everyone, no exceptions. And then we sat down and we discussed them and we discuss how I was going to make amends and in what order I was going to make amends. And he told me this is the suggestion because if one of these names that's back here pops up in front of you right away, do that one. But this is in the order you should do them in. So I did that. I followed his direction. Grudgingly, but I followed it. There is still one name on that list that I have not been able to get a hold of. Actually, it's two names. I can't find them. I don't know where they are. But if I walked out this door today and saw them, I would not be afraid of making amends for them, of correcting my relationship with them. I don't have that same fear that I had when I first came into this program. It's been relieved. I do have fears that pop up because of circumstances, but I am getting better. Every day I get better as long as I continue to do what I'm supposed to do, follow the suggestions. I'm working on my third sponsor right now. My second one moved away and so I had to get another one because I needed somebody that was close by. My second sponsor died after 17 years and I had shared and gone through the steps with him too. i'm working on my third sponsor right now very loving man he spends half his year up on the cape rest of the year down in putnam county or traveling around the world i can always reach him we have the same cell phone carrier it's free calling him i have no excuse not to call him. And we talk a lot. I share a lot of God moments with him. I could be walking down the street and all of a sudden have a God moment. I pick up the phone and I call him and say, hey, it happened again. He says, good. And I share about it. And he talks about his day. When I have some problem or something like that, I don't have to rely on my own self-will to try and remedy the problem. I can call them up and ask them. All of my sponsors have always showed me where to look in the book, what to read, what to think about, what to try and understand. I continue to take personal inventory on a daily basis. When I first put on that step, I did it once in a while. you know I get all jammed up angry resentful call my sponsor and go why am I feeling all this stuff and he goes what did you do today and I'd go through my whole day and he said when did you sit down and do an inventory when did your sit down and pray what happened to your meditation you know all this stuff I have to do I have to continue to do when was the last time you sat down with an alcoholic and helped that person just by listening I go to more meetings today than I have I don't know I can't remember there was a period of time when I got about five or six years in the program and I was going to a meeting a week at my home group. At the time we had three meetings a week. I was gone to one. Not always sharing. A lot of times just listening. And that wasn't healthy. My sponsors have always told me I have to go out and share my story. share me at another group someplace at least once a month I make that a practice today I go to meetings now with a person I sponsor and another friend my wife calls us the three musketeers I say I'm going out and she goes are you going out with the three Musketeer yeah well tonight I am or I'm doing a service meeting or somebody's business meeting or to go do some group inventory someplace. I'm always doing something within AA. My wife yelled at me Thursday because I was going to my home group and said, you were out 13 days out of the past 14. Can't you take a day off? And I said, no, I can't. However, tomorrow night, I'm not doing anything. we can get together, and we could be together. And last night we went out shopping at Baby's R Us for a baby shower. I hate shopping. I really do. But she needed to do it, and she loves to do It. So we did It. When I came into this program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I went to meetings every night for two years. and I heard that same thing from my wife. Can't you take a night off? What's wrong with you? You're doing the same thing you were doing when you were drinking, was what she told me. I wanted to divorce my wife because she wasn't getting better and I was. I sat down and talked to my sponsor about it. I said, look, I've got to divorce her because I can't be around all this negativity. You know, I'm trying to think positive and all she keeps on doing is telling me I can't go to meetings. He says, well, how long have you been together before you stopped drinking? I said 10 years. 10 years, you were drinking for like 16 years and 10 years you put her through hell. Well, 10, 11, somewhere in there. he says, okay, what I want you to do is I want you to give her back five. I've got to give it back five more years? He goes, no, no. I'm not going to make it that hard on you. You already did two years in Alcoholics Anonymous trying to get sober and you're staying sober and you are getting better. I want to give you three more years. And I want you to practice patience, tolerance, unconditional love. He says, you know I love my wife. He goes, yeah. But I want you to practice unconditional love, love with no strengths, the same kind of love that you have for another alcoholic when he walks into the rooms. I want it to be I want to be that outgoing with that person, with your wife, as you would for an alcoholic who walks in and needs your help. because when somebody new walked in the door, we'd immediately gather around and, okay, Joe, you take them, or Brian, you tak them, get them to meetings. This is the schedule. If you can't do it, call me, and I'll pick them up that night. We'd try and get to as many meetings as possible. I would drop everything. I would forget everything. So I tried to do that with my wife. the amazing thing happened over the next three years and I don't know when it happened within those three years I fell in love with my wife I don' t know what happened how we got married I know I was in great like with her I know that we had to get married and I know that two weeks after we got married I didn' t really need to be married anymore but instead I'd sit down and I said well let me see the good points and the bad points and the good things the good ones outweighed the bad ones the bad one was just nagging about my drinking I could live with that I'd just drink some more so I was in like or lust with my wife when I got married some sort of love was in there I think but it wasn't the kind of love that I know today today I love my wife today I can put my wife before me I can't put her before my sobriety but he can put her before me what I want to do doesn't really matter what she wants to do I do care about and we try and do that I changed my schedule later on this month for Thanksgiving week She wanted to go down to Florida and see her aunt, who is the matriarch of her family. The last one that's left. She's 87 years old, 88 years old. She just celebrated her birthday. And she wants to see her. So we made plans to go see her in Florida. We'll see her sister and we'll see our cousins. We'll say a friend of hers. And I just changed my schedule around. Basically, I'm a lamed up delegate anyway. I'm not really needed that much anymore. My mail has already started to dwindle. My phone calls are slowly going away. So I have that time. I can do that. So we're going to do that, you know? It's okay. One of the greatest gifts I found through the steps is that I found me. I never knew me. I was a chameleon. I was always trying to be whatever you wanted me to be. Okay? Before I drank, I just climbed inside my shell and protected myself against everybody else. I remember getting beat up when I was 13 years old by a nine-year-old kid. Why? But once I drank I'd take on anybody. It changed me. Something happened. This is a very strange disease. It's the only one that tells us that we don't have one. The way we find out that we really have it is by coming to meetings and listening to other alcoholics. Share their experience, strength, and hope on recovery, unity, and service we talk about how we got better we only talk about ourselves we don't talk about anybody else's recovery because I don't know how you recovered I know the suggestions that were given to you probably because they all came from the same two guys somewhere along the line a lot of us have turned around and tried to fit them for everything and everybody else. And we can't do that. We really can't. These steps are for us. Somebody told me that these are the steps that we follow that is a shortcut for an alcoholic to finding God. As I said earlier, I didn't know if there was or there wasn't one and could care less. Today I know there is one. I know there is a power greater than myself that is working for each and every one of us. Whether you believe it or you don't believe it. When I took step two, my sponsor told me to just believe that we believe. And I said I could do that because I couldn't believe for myself. But you were proof that it was working. in step three you told me to turn it over and I knew, turn over what? You want my bills? You got them. They're all yours. Take them. That wasn't what he was talking about. He was talking about turning over my alcoholic will and my alcoholic life to begin with. And slowly but surely I ended up turning over everything. as long as I do the footwork what's left is really not a lot and it's just letting go of it I was taught how to live and let live live to be free of alcohol live a happy joyous and free life and don't stand in the way of anybody else trying to live their life let them do what they have to do and they'll get better too. I had to practice that with my children. My oldest daughter took the brunt of my alcoholism. She was eight years old. I would call home and she'd pick up the phone and go, it's daddy, he's at the bar again. I never thought that that was... I used to laugh at that. I never taught her that. I never told her that was hurting her. But I was missing from her life. I was at the bar again. In 1976, we had a son who was born and died seven days later. After the funeral, I brought my wife home to our apartment, left her there with my oldest daughter, and went to a bar to drink. and drank for free because poor John had a son who died. I was good with that. That was okay. But that was wrong. These steps have taught me to live my life happy, joyous, and free and how to make amends for things that I've done like that. And I've been able to make restitution for it. my life will continue to get better as long as I continue to take these legacies and put them into my life to practice these principles in all my affairs everything, whether it's inside the rooms or outside I don't have a job anymore wow become a delegate and say that I have a job I'm going to continue and have jobs in AA. I get to go back and be a greeter. One of the things I haven't liked in the past couple of years, about three to four years, is the fact when I walk into my home group somebody shakes my hand and welcomes me that I've never seen this person in my life before. And when it first happened I got resentment. Don't you know who I am? today I say thank you and thank you for doing your service and I introduce myself to them and they go inside and they sit down and I don't say who I am in the group I just say it's nice to be here life is wonderful today what we need to do is to keep coming keep talking keep welcoming the newcomer when they walk through the door and helping them to understand that this is a disease that we have, you may have, and these are the suggested steps that we use to stay sober and get better. Is that enough time? Okay, I'd like to thank you for having me here today and thank you all for your service. Thank you. Thank you.