The Three-Fold Disease of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s 😆 – Bill L.

This morning I was at the early morning men's meeting right across from Stuyvesant, and one of the guys was talking, and the topic this morning was on fears. And the guy was sharing, and actually it was fears around some of the holiday stuff coming up, parties, family, that kind of thing. And one ofthe guys said, kind of tongue-in-cheek, he said, yeah, when I first came into the program, I was told this is a three-fold disease. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's. So with that in mind, we're going to turn things back over to Barefoot Bill and Mike. This is a quote from Joel Goldsmith. Regardless of how high my concept of God is, it is wrong because it is still just a concept. Eventually, I have to lose all concepts and reach the consciousness that God is and then let go of the subject because with my mind I am never going to know what God is. For me, the steps are really just one step with 12 parts. It's a go from living out of here, it's a Go from Living Out of Our Heart, which is we can't experience God with our mind, but we can experience God with our heart. We can get that sense of there's something more going on here than logic or what I can put my finger on, that there's something happening it's real obvious that this serendipity or these coincidences are occurring, they don't make sense but you just know that there is something more going on here and I think that's what the steps do is that they have us go from the self-will or the ego or the logic or the my life run on my will theory of living to the turning our will and our life over to the care of a higher power step three when I first went through the steps Mike kind of touched upon it when I was a kid when I went through the steps it was very much a surface I'm just dealing with my alcoholism passed through the steps it was very intellectual I became aware of certain things that I wasn't aware of before I never knew how selfish I was I never knew how much fear I had I was very grateful for that but I can't say that I really awakened spiritually I can't say that I even came close to the commitment that I have today where I don't really see this as a way of not drinking I see it as away of life and also when I first went through the steps it was very much I'll let you guys help me with my alcoholism but the rest of my life is my deal and I'll just do whatever I want to do my sex life, I'm just going to do whatever i want to the way I work and the dishonest illegal things that I would do, I am going to deal with that it's none of your business the way I dealt with people in traffic the way I dealt with my family I'm looking for number one and I'll let you guys help me with my alcoholism but the rest of my life is my deal and I'll be honest with you there's only one thing harder than trying to turn all of your will in your life over to God not just my alcohol or the parts that have to deal with alcohol and some of the obvious parts of my life that are totally out of control. There's only one thing harder than doing all of my life committing to a higher power and trying to move in a certain direction, and that's not committing all my life to moving in that direction. Because I've got to be honest with you, like I said when I opened, there was an incredible amount of misery and there was incredible amount unmanageability and discomfort that was going on inside my head and that was gone on inside of my gut after I stopped and hadn't had a drink in years. So, you know, part of the deeper levels of alcoholism and part of the deeper level of the spiritual unmanageability in trying to move more and more and getting all of those areas as well. But that was when I really found a comfort and really found the freedom that at times really doesn't make sense. You know, there's a woman in my home group that last year when my marriage ended she came to me and she said, you know so bill how you doing you know and she asked me some questions and i kind of you know i was going through a lot of pain and i still probably even today having a great love for my wife my ex-wife uh but um what i was describing to her was sort of a gratitude i have a gratitude today for all the pain that i went through and that i'm still going through because you know what today i'm capable of loving i was never capable of Loving anybody but myself and even that was questionable whether I really loved myself because I did things that I shouldn't have been doing and I shouldn' t have been involved in. And if I cared for myself, I wouldn' t have been done. So I am grateful today. You know, Mike mentioned some things that he was grateful for. I am thankful for the day for the immense amount of pain that I went through when my marriage ended because today I am capable of loving. And I am incapable of committing myself fully to a relationship. I never... When relationships ended, it really just didn' t matter to me because it was all about me anyway. So I' ll just find somebody else that will be all about me. It doesn't matter to me. I don't care for you. I care for you for what I can get. That was what my ethic was in life. Today, I am grateful for the fact that it is no longer that way. And with the third step, I think there's sort of four points to the third steps in that right after the ABCs, it says that the first requirement, it introduces step three and it says the first requirements is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. and I'd like to suggest that's including drunk or sober that my life run on my will me doing whatever I want to do can hardly be a success and then it goes into a story of the actor who was forever trying to run the show who was always manipulating all the people around him they kind of adopt let me put it this way I adopted a view of life that if only you would do what I think that you should do not only will I be happy, but you'll be happy and the world will be wonderful. Now, I don't know about you, but I don' t think there's a greater statement of trying to play God than that. You know what I mean? And that was how I lived my life. That I know it's best for everybody, and if you did what I thought you could that you should be doing, then you'd be happy in life would be wonderful, besides the fact that I would appreciate it. And as far as I'm concerned, the greatest word that describes is manipulation, a form of playing God, and that when I try to do that, inevitably, even when my motives are good, even wenn I think that this is what's best for you i mean i can't understand why you don't see it you know that uh even in my best motives and even when i do the best in manipulating other people that i still step on the toes of the people around me and i cause a lot of pain for them and for me that uh that pretty much this is when the book started to convict me on a level that was much deeper than yeah i drank too much and yeah when i stopped i always went back to it lots of people saw that that was going on in my life but When this book started calling me on my manipulations and my wanting to run the whole universe, there's no way that these gentlemen that weren't even alive anymore that wrote a book in the late 1930s could have known that about me. These people were talking about alcoholism and they were talking about the inner condition that they were struggling with and they Were calling me on my stuff 60 years from the grave. These people Were convicting me of something that not too many people could have learned about. I certainly wasn't talking to people about the fact that I wanted to manipulate the world. There's no Way that they could have know and yet here it is in a book. And this was convicting me on a much deeper level than just the surface, yeah, I drank too much stuff. Then it talks about on the bottom of page 62, which for me I think is the essence of the decision that we're making in the third step. Which is, it says here, this is the how and why of it. First of all, I had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Is there anybody here that's had success in playing God? it says next and I'm going to it uses words like we and our but I'm gonna personalize that because I think this is talking about me it says that next I decide that hereafter in this drama of life God is going to be my director he is the principal I am his agent he is a he is the father and we are his children and in the original manuscript the next line said get that simple relationship straight no subtlety there and then it says most good ideas are simple and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom Now, the keystone is the top stone in an arch and it holds the rest of the structure together. So a keystone is something that's incredibly important, obviously, if it holds the rest OF the structure in place. So it's saying here that God is going to be our director. So I need to be moving in a direction where I'm being directed by that voice within me that is of love and that is of unselfishness, honesty, purity. I'm going to get into the four absolutes later on, which for me kind of is a good way of regulating whether I'm doing the right thing, quote-unquote, or whether I am following the right voice within me, quote- unquote. It says that he is the principal, we are his agents. A principal gives the agent the power to represent itself, sort of like an insurance agent. The company gives the insurance agent the ability to represent himself. So in going forward, I need to have my higher power as the principal and he gives me the power to sort of represent him in going foward. then it says he is the father we are his children which is you know since God has no grandchildren it's sort of saying that we're all brothers and sisters and I need to start acting that way I need so start moving away from some of the prejudices that I have I need you to start moving away from the kind of relationships that I used to get myself into in that if you acted the way I wanted you to you were around and you were my friend and I liked you but if you didn't act the way I wanted to you just weren't in my life then I need to move away from the judgment of, and don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean I'm supposed to stay in sort of an abusive relationship. I need to see people for what they are, but I need start treating people equally and I need try to start seeing that we're all brothers and sisters and I needed to act that way. Then there's the third step prayer, which talks about God, I offer myself to you to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self. That's kind of an interesting statement because it's almost sort of like saying, relieve me of me. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Relieve my of the bondage of that voice in my head that's the wrong voice. Relieve be of that ego that's always trying to get me to do things that I know are wrong and that isn't a nice way to treat people. Relieve b me of that. Relieve m e of following that voice. It says take away my difficulties that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help with your power, your love and your way of life. May I do your will always. And then there's an interesting statement. After the prayer, it says, we thought well before taking this step. So it's almost a joke that he has us do the prayer and then it says you better mean that. And for me, that prayer is just a reflection or it's just an affirmation of the decision that we're making in the bottom of page 62 that God's now going to be our director, he's going to become our leader, he's gonna be our principal and that he's our father. That this prayer is просто an affirmación of that. And then, for me, the last part of step three, which is pretty important. As far as I'm concerned, it's the one that's probably the most missed and one of the most, as far as I'm considered, probably the more important aspect of it. It says that though our decision, which was a third-step decision, was a vital and crucial step that it could have little permanent effect unless at once, which means immediately, followed by a strenuous effort, which means intensely active effort to face and to be rid of the things in ourselves which have been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom, so we had to get down to causes and conditions. But those are the deeper levels of the alcoholism, the psychological, mental, spiritual aspects of alcoholism that we need to see. Yeah, in the third step I'm making a decision to turn my realm of life over to God, but what actually prevents me from doing that as I go through life? What actually prevents you from doing the right thing? What actually presents me from liking people that piss me off, you know what I mean, or treating them nicely? You know, if a resentment is telling me what to do, then God can't be. and that inner voice is not going to get me to do the right thing and to perhaps be loving or to be considerate or patient because resentment's telling me what to do. If fear's telling you what to doing, then my higher power can't be because fear's going to make me do things that I know I shouldn't be doing and because I have the fear, I have no choice and if guilt and remorse over things that I've done is telling me what to be doing then my highest power can be so I need to look and see what's blocking me from actually doing this decision and then get rid of it in steps six, seven, eight, and nine because that's where I get rid of what the character defects are and then to get rid of the guilt or remorse for things I had done. And then that frees me up to just be in the moment, to just being here and now. Whether someone acts inappropriately, I can still act appropriately and if someone doesn't, I can be all right with it. You know what I mean? That either way, it doesn't matter what they do, it doesn' t matter what they say, it doesn''t mean I have to hang out with them a lot but that I can still act properly when the time comes and I don' t have to be controlled by the inner voice that comes from fear and resentment and guilt and remorse. There's something that's interesting in the third step. It talks about that our troubles are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves and that an alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though we usually don't think so. That above everything, alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. It says, I must or it kills me. If you think about it, self-willed and self-knowledge is the only thing outside of God that I have going for me. And what this is saying is that the only thing that I am going for me is the exact thing that wants to lead me back to drinking. That my self-knowledge and my self will, which is what I've tried to run my life on for my whole life, is the same thing that inevitably brings me back to drinking and if I'm lucky. If I'm not lucky it just brings me back to more misery and more progressive inner discomfort. But the only thing that I have going for me outside of God is the exactly thing that wants me to drink and for me that's the big catapult that drives us into doing these steps and that drives us into seeking another way besides our own because my best thinking got me drunk more than once and my best thinking outside of being driven by that inner voice that is of God is the thing that brought about most of the misery if not all of it in my life and for me that's sort of the key to the third step and that's the desperation that the third step presents us with is that the only thing that I have going for me which is self-will and self-knowledge is the exact thing that wants me either very miserable or very drunk. That place at the end of the third step that Bill read and talked about where it says that we have to at once embark upon the program of recovery that's found in steps four through nine, that's exactly the position that... I mean, I didn't choose that position. I had my back against the wall at five months sober and that's exactly the position that I was forced into. I certainly did not have an understanding of the third step at five months sober or even at two years sober, at even five years sober that I have today and I'm sure my understanding or my experience with it on a spiritual level will be much different two years from now than it is today. But the way I interpreted it, the third step when I was five months sober was, hey, I'm making the decision or my back is up against the wall. I'm being forced into a position where I'm going to go ahead with the rest of the steps. I'm gonna do four through nine. You folks said it worked for you. I got nothing better. I mean alcohol is not really well it was an option if alcohol wasn't an option then why would I want to go ahead and do the rest of the steps so I had the fire of alcohol practically burn in my tail and I had to do a 4 through 9 rather quickly there's something that I wrote a couple months ago back in October this summer a couple things a couple situations occurred in my life and in my wife's life also sometimes I don't know the difference between my life and her life that gets to be real interesting from time to time but these situations that just occur in our lives I have the type of ego where I tend to take those things personally and it really gets me in connection with my third step. It says, it sometimes seems that life has a tendency to come straight at us like a speeding bullet. The problem is that we think we're the target. We are not the target of life's happenings, but we think мы are. The truth is that life just happens. The bullets are just random firings. But we think the problems in our lives are like a guided missile headed for a target on our forehead. But if the big book is correct when it says our troubles are of our own making, then we're the ones that paint the target and sometimes we go out searching for the bullets. In other instances, we are sleeping when the bullets are fired and we're not alert enough to move out of the way. But when we awaken spiritually, we realize that life is not out to get us. we are just another energy field that the bullets of life pass through we are not the targets we uh there's a couple third step parables that that i really like the one that i'm going to read now we read quite often and there's a second one that that I just came across this morning by the way the third step does say made a decision to turn our will in our lives over to the care of God as we understand God. The parable is, a drunk is staggering along the street and he meets God. God, I can't do this anymore, he says. Please, please, will you give me sobriety? Sobriety isn't free, says God. How much money do you have? Drunk reaches in his pocket. Fifty bucks. I'll take it, says Gott. You're sober. Whack! Like a magic wand. The man stands up straight, drunk no more. It feels pretty good. Yeah, but God? Yes. I know I gave you my money willingly, but you see, I need to get gas for my car. You have a car? Well, yes. You didn't tell me that. I'll take the car. But, but... I'll Take the Car. It's part of the price you pay for your sobriety. But how will I get to work? You have an idea? Do you have a job? I'll take the job, too. But God, how will I pay my mortgage? Mortgage? You have a house? I'll takethat, too But God My family How will I take care of them? If you have my house and my job How am I going to take care Of my family? God says to him gently In order to keep your sobriety You must give me these things But I will let you drive my car As long as you remember it's my car. You can have the job, but remember you're working for me. It's my house, but I will let you live in it. And as for the family, they are my family, but I trust that you will take care of them. The second parable is called the bike ride. And no, I'm not going to do God's voice again. The bike ride I first saw at first I saw God as my observer my judge keeping track of the things I did wrong so as to know whether I merit it heaven or hell when I die he was out there sort of like the president I recognized his picture but when I saw it but I didn't really know him but later on when I recognized my higher power it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride but it was a tandem bike and I noticed that God was in the back helping me pedal. I don't know just when it was that he suggested we change places, imagine that, but life has not been the same ever since. Life with my higher power, that is. God makes life exciting. When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable. It was the shortest distance between two points. But when he took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts up mountains and through rocky places and at the breakneck speeds. It was all I could do to hang on. Even though it looked like madness, he said, pedal. So I lied. I did do God. I worried and I was anxious and asked, where are you taking me? He laughed and didn't answer, and I started to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I'd say, I'm scared, he'd lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance, and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey, our journey, God's and mine. And we were off again. He said, give the gifts away. They're extra baggage, too much weight. So I did. To the people we met, I found that in giving, I received. And still our burden was light. I did not trust God at first in control of my life. I thought he'd wreck it. No one in this room can relate, I know that. But he knew bike secrets. He knew how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jump to clear high places filled with rocks, fly to shorten scary passages. And I'm learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places. And I am beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, my higher power. And when I'm sure I can't do any more, he just smiles and says, pedal. Those parables and what Bill covered in the third step kind of propels us into what we're going to be discussing for the next 20 or 25 minutes and I think it's the basis of what this workshop was intended for, was maintaining conscious contact and I have found no better vehicles to do that than our 10th and the 11th step. There was a quote on the flyer and I really like it. and I'll reread it. It comes from an article that Bill Wilson wrote for the Grapevine in 1958. I'm actually going to read more than what was just on the flyer. See if you can identify with this internal condition presently. He says, We know we aren't doing well enough. We still can't handle life as life is. There must be a serious flaw somewhere in our spiritual practice and development. What then is it? The chances are better than even that we shall locate our trouble in our misunderstanding and neglect of AA Step 11, prayer, meditation, and guidance of God. The other steps can keep most of us sober and somehow functioning, but Step 11 can keep us growing if we try hard and work at it continually. If we expend even 5% of the time on Step 11 that we habitually and rightly lavish on Step 12, the results can be wonderfully far-reaching. That is an almost uniform experience of those who constantly practice Step 11. On page 98 of the 12 in 12, it says there's a direct linkage among self-examination, which we find in our fourth and tenth steps primarily, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit. But when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life. Can you imagine? The spiritual practices of self-examination, meditation, and prayer found in our 10th and 11th step. Our co-founder Bill W. says that they can provide an unshakeable foundation for life provided that we do them on a day-to-day, moment-to moment basis. now and then we may be granted a glimpse of that ultimate reality which is God's kingdom and we will be comforted and assured that our own destiny in that realm will be secure for as long as we try however faltering to find and do the will of our own creator goes on to say on page 101 meditation which I don't know about you but we tend to not really hear a lot about meditation in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. We seem to know a lot about prayer but there's really not being at least in the meetings I go to maybe it's different here in Albany and I hate to say this but I kind of had to go outside of AA a little bit but I don't mean outside. Everything I do in my life is along with never instead of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Any type of spirituality or religious practices or the Native American stuff that I've practiced over the years or the Eastern philosophies or the Christianity or what have you, meditation is something which can always be further developed. It has no boundaries either of width or height. Aid it by such instruction and example as we can find. It is essentially an individual adventure, and I'm grateful for that. Something which each one of us works out in his own way. But its object is always the same, to improve our conscious contact with God, with God's grace, wisdom, and love. I had been hearing the expression, you know, getting back on the beam or being on the boom or whatever for years. And to be honest with you, I always viewed mentally whenever somebody mentioned that, a gymnast on a bar dancing their incredible way that they're able to do on the balance beam and thinking that when the gymnast fell off, that meant they were off the beam. And then I read something recently, as a matter of fact it was this year, that showed me that I didn't know what I was talking about again. And, you know, again, it's kind of interesting because, you Know, sometimes we just have these mental pictures of what something means and then we find out what it really means and it's so completely different. This is what it said. It says, today most commercial flight is done on a radio beam. A directional beam is produced to guide the pilot to his destination, and as long as he keeps on the beam, he knows that he is safe, even if he cannot see around him for fog or gets his bearings in any other way. As soon as he gets off the beam in any direction, he is in danger, and he immediately tries to get back on the bean. We all have this same spiritual being within us upon which to navigate. you are off the beam the moment you get angry or resentful or jealous or frightened or depressed and when such a condition arises you should immediately get back on the beam by turning quietly to the higher power within acknowledging his presence awakening to the awareness of his love and intelligence that is within you you are then back on the seam and you will reach port in safety keep on the steam and nothing shall by any means hurt you that wasn't like the balance beam that I thought it meant but I thought that was kind of interesting that in some cases in regards to this higher power stuff people have such a difficulty in turning their will and their life over or at least almost all of it and what gave us our will and our life in the first place is this power that we're now turning back to I think it's kind of interest that these pilots turn their will and their life over to this computerized electronic beam to bring them into safety. And even perhaps people in the woods have like a little compass that they put their will and their wife into to bring themselves and bring them back to where they need to go. Yet, this loving, all-knowing creator of the universe, we hesitate to turn to. For me, it's kind of an interesting thing that what gave us our will and our life in the first place, we're hesitating to now give it back to. It just seems kind of interesting when it's put into those terms and that was something that I struggled with for many years also. I had mentioned before about the Four Absolutes. The Four Absolute actually is in the Big Book, but in its reverse. The Four Absolutes came from the Oxford Group. The Oxford Group is where all the steps came from and most of the spiritual principles and practices that we use in AA came from the Oxford group. Bill and Bob were members of the Oxford group for the first few years before AA started and the four absolutes are absolute love, absolute unselfishness, absolute purity, and absolute honesty and for me that's one of the tools that I like to use in regard to how do I know which voice I'm listening to within me? How do I know if this is perhaps an inspired or a correct activity that I'm about to get myself involved in, or is it not? Am I listening to the ego again? Am I listen to that negative, unhealthy voice that's within me that's always trying to get me to do things that inevitably is wrong or selfish or dishonest or whatever? And in the first step, in the resentment inventory, the fourth column, it talks about the opposite of the four absolutes when it says, you know, where was I dishonest, selfish, self-seeking, and frightened, which is the opposite. It's the opposite for absolutes. in the tenth step it talks about when we've fallen off of the, when we're headed in the wrong direction. It talks about continuing to watch for selfishness which is the opposite of unselfishness. Dishonesty which is the opposite OF honesty. Resentment which is THE opposite OF purity. And fear which is THE opposite of love. And then again in the eleventh step it's talks about the opposites. When it talks about resentful, selfish, dishonest and afraid. So it actually is in our literature but it's actually in reverse where when we fall short we look of the opposite of the four absolutes and something that I like talking about too is that okay if those four things or if things like that or what it's like when we fall off the beam then why don't we also focus on what's going to head us in the right direction which for me a big part of my spiritual walk is you know is what I'm about to do honest you know would I be a little reluctant for a lot of people to know what I was about to do that's a really good way of saying wait a minute maybe I shouldn't do this you know if some people that really respect me and my family members perhaps or close friends, if they were to find out what I was about to do, would they be ashamed of me? Then maybe that's something that I shouldn't be getting myself involved in. And when it talks about purity, not only is that sort of sexual activity or sexual thought, which is what most people think of, it also has to do with our motives, that our motive is pure. Am I helping somebody because I want to really help them or am I helping someone because I don't want to help them? Because I want something out of it. You know what I mean? That's part of the purity thing too. That for me, a part of the path that I try to walk includes those four attributes. And yes, they are a high order, you know? Sometimes I don't want to be loving towards somebody that I don' t like. But you know what? Inevitably, when I do love somebody thatI don't like, I don''t do it for them, I do itfor me. Because I feel good when I come out of a situation like that. Yeah, maybe I don'T think you deserve it, but when I'm reasonable and considerate and unselfish toward you, I love the feeling that that produces. I'm able to bring about inside of me something I was never able to do when I was totally selfish, which for me, again, is moving away from the next drink and moving away from misery because now I'm able to, by living a certain way of life, to bring out that ease and comfort and that nice feeling on the inside of you by the way that I live my life. I don't need alcohol and drugs anymore to do that. It's interesting with The Four Absolutes because sort of where it the root of where it came from was that a gentleman named Robert Speer wrote a book which I've still not been able to find and that's kind of unusual because I've pretty much found almost every book that I've tried to get when it comes to stuff that influenced early AA and some of the religious and spiritual and practical roots of where a lot of our stuff came from. This gentleman, Robert Spear, wrote a book that in there what he did was he took Christ's most famous talk called The Sermon on the Mount, and he boiled it down to those four absolutes. And that was where the Oxford group picked it up, and that was kind of where it made its way into AA in its opposites. So it's there but not as they're written in the four absolute form. And I'm not advocating any specific religion or anything like that. I'm just giving some background on where it came from. But for me, it captures the essence of, I think, what our big book and our spiritual literature is talking about when it's talking about, you know, how do I know if I'm doing God's will? I mean, God doesn't talk to me. I don't know about anybody else here. But, you Know, I don' t have this finger on my shoulder saying this is the direction you need to go in. And in looking at those four, not necessarily absolutes, but those four directions, let's call it, that, You know, if I' m about to do something, if I say to myself, You Know, Is this honest? Is what I' M about to say or do, is it an honest kind of a thing? You know, is it loving? Is it the next loving thing? You know maybe even is it necessary because sometimes I think it's a loving thing but it's not necessary for me to tell somebody that they're you know whatever sometimes I get into that but you know is it with a pure motive and is it you know a loving things is it unselfish that what I'm about to do and then if I'm really not sure when I balance it with those measuring sticks if they still apply it's still probably a really good idea that I'm headed in the right direction you know just something that I try to do in regulating my thinking and my actions to be coming from a motivation of something that's a little bit more God-directed and a little but more in a healthy direction as opposed to the way I used to live my life. Bill talked about some of the practices, or for lack of a better word, some ofthe mechanics of Step 10. And it's interesting as far as the way the big book is outlined, we're also to be doing some of those same things in step 11. Again, self-examination, meditation, and prayer, when taken separately, they can produce great beneficial results. But when logically related and interwoven, they can provide an unshakable foundation for life. And some of the same things that Bill mentioned, this bill, the barefoot one over here, mention in regards to the 10th step. Those are some of the same things that I get to do. I get To Do. They're no longer a chore anymore. I actually have the honor and privilege of sitting down in the evening with a notepad and I get TO examine how my actions and behaviors were today. Yippee! I am so thrilled to do that. But quite often I come at it from that position. You know, how was I today? I always find it interesting in the 10th step that when it talks about resentment, selfishness, dishonesty and fear, it doesn't say if these crop up. It says when these crop up because they will. I'm not some enlightened Zen master sitting up here. I'm a human being and I fall short and I make mistakes and I still have character defects that are alive and well within me. If you don't believe me I will give you my home number speak to Kathy Lawrence she is my wife. But I get to take a look in the evening how I was all throughout the day and I get to go to bed with a clear conscience If I have amends to make, I can make those tomorrow. And I can wake up the next morning and I can ask God to guide and direct my thinking. Please divorce my thinking from selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. And then when my thinking is cleared of these wrong motives, I can be a spearhead for God. I can become a spearheaded I can begin to be that agent for God that the third step charges us with. I get to be an agent for God. I get a child of God. I get do God's work. I get God's bidding. And I need to get right with my Creator. I need get right with my deep inner consciousness, my true nature, where I originally came from. That part of me that is one, that part ofme that is whole, That part of me that has been perfect right from the inception. But I'm the one that clogged up the drain with alcohol and drugs and in my case food and inappropriate sex conduct and a lot of other self-will. But we get to unclog that drain now. We get to clear out that channel. And it's a day by day, moment to moment basis. and we get to start our day off on the right footing so we don't, on our way to work, go in the car and drive down the highway like a speeding bullet with our fingers hanging out the window. I had an interesting thing that happened to me. I guess it was either a month or two. I'm writing inventory on my father of all people, if you can imagine. I'm nine years sober. I shouldn't have to write a 10-step inventory on my father. This is ridiculous. And we were engaged in a phone conversation a few months ago, and he was asking me some questions, questions of which I didn't have answers for, and he didn't really like that. So when I was writing this inventory, what I saw come out the other side of my pen was he hung up on me. Well, how dare he? I'm resentful at my father because he hung up on me. And I didn't even have to get to the fourth column of that resentment inventory to see the truth because I asked myself a question and it's a question that came from within. It's not something that came through my mind. It came from my mind and the question was, Mike, your father hung up on you. Do you really know that that's true? Can you really know that that was the reality of the situation? And I said, no. I don't know that That's true. The only thing that I know 100% is that he hung up the phone. My ego likes to grab a hold of things because sometimes I just like living in the third column and I want to walk into meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous with a big V on my forehead for victim because poor me. My father hung up on me. I'm nine years sober. I don't deserve this. Poor me, poor me, oh go pour me a drink. And I found out that he didn't do that to me. He just did what he does. How dare me? Why should I expect anything different? He's doing what he doesn't. Because I do what I do. My wife does what she does. And Bill drives like a maniac. He does what he does. Why should they do things any different? Just to please me? And once again, I saw truth. I got in contact with truth. Now, there's a quote that says the truth will set you free. But what they always forget to tell you is that it's probably going to piss you off at first. But truth is freeing. I find words like truth, higher power, true inner nature, Jesus, Buddha, God, whatever, I find them all synonymous. I just think they're all the same thing. I think they are just all words and pointers that point to the same things. This thing that we've been talking about all weekend. This thing we call God. chuck c used to say what you are looking for you are looking with i think that's a very profound statement what you were looking for you're looking with what i've been looking for my entire life even when i was drinking the same thing that i look for today in regards to spirituality i was looking for in a bottle because, let's face it, booze did for me what I couldn't do for myself. It produced an inner spiritual experience, alcohol did, and it rocketed me into a fourth dimension of existence that was beyond my wildest dreams when it worked. And now I come to Alcoholics Anonymous and I do some work with these 12 steps and I help other people and I give away what was freely given to me and I get to be taken to that same place and even better. And I get To Be catapulted into this fourth dimension of existence which the tenth step calls nothing more than the world of the Spirit. I'm in the world of the spirit today. If everyone in this room has done the work in the steps, we're in the word of the world of the Holy Spirit. We're all equals like Bill said. We're also brothers and sisters. We are one. I am you. You are me. There is no separation. The breath I'm breathing right now, chances are, is a breath that you breathed about seven seconds ago. We are all one. How dare me, pardon the pun, lash out on one of my brothers and sisters? We'll close, and I want to close with the very same story story that I opened up with and it's about the beggar sitting on a box of gold. And what I'd like us all to do is just kind of get quiet in our own way. Because I believe there's been a shift of consciousness in this room just over the past two hours. We saw it last night. We saw incredible things happen last night. I mean, I got so charged with the Spirit last night, I was ready to come in this morning and offer you guys an altar call. You know, but Then I realized that that just may very well be against tradition, so we better not go there. Besides, I don't have the collar for it. Yeah, or to religion for that matter. But things happen. Things happen when I get out of this intellectual mode, this thirst for knowledge. I mean, it says right in our literature that self-knowledge can't fix what we suffer from. So him and I, a couple of years ago, instead of going to things like this, trying to get more knowledge and learn more things about myself, we started coming with an open mind for a new experience. And even if it's just five minutes, even if its just an hour or two hours that we get to spend with you guys, we can all have an experience that we're never ever going to have again. It's never going to be 3.30 on Saturday, December 7th, 2002 ever again. This same group of people will probably never ever be assembled right here in this very same place ever again and I cherish this. I cherish this moment, and I thank you for the experience that we've had together over the past couple hours. A beggar had been sitting by the side of the road for over 30 years. One day a stranger walked by, spare some change, mumbled the beggar, mechanically holding out his old baseball cap. I have nothing to give you, said the stranger. Then he asked, what's that you're sitting on? Nothing, replied the beggар, just an old box. I have been sitting on it for as long as I can remember. Ever looked inside, asked the stranger? No, said the beggar. What's the point? There's nothing in there. Have a look inside, insisted the stranger. The beggar managed to pry open the lid. With astonishment, disbelief and elation, he saw that the box was filled with gold. We're the strangers who have nothing to give you and who is willing to tell you to look inside. Not inside any boxes in the parable, but somewhere even closer, inside yourself. You are sitting on a box of gold and you don't even know it. Now go open it. May God bless you and happy holidays.