The Third Step and the Action Higher Power – Bob

You start out going, I'm Bob and I'm alcoholic. My sobriety dates November 6th, 1976, and that may not impress many of you, but it impresses the shit out of me. And I couldn't even put 23 hours together, let alone 23 years, and see today I'm not doing that when you find to slowly look at and address this higher power thing. I had a lot of gratitude standing in tonight. I have no fear. Somebody asked me if you were nervous. I said, why would you be nervous with friends? I'm not up here trying to look good. I'm just up here to try to share my experience, strength and hope with somebody that in hope maybe they'll find something that I found a day at a time. See, I have a God in my life today and it's of my own understanding that came in the third step of Alcoholics Anonymous. I just share briefly. I'll just cover it and leave it there as I had three real main addictions that have all been addressed. One was drinking, one was smoking and one was eating. And they're all being addressed on a day-at-a-time basis, you know. And the only one I didn't really need help for, and they said it's the most addictive one of all, is cigarettes. It was like God just took it from me, like this. After a sore throat for a year. It's amazing how they think that was 13 years. I never forgot you. I've got all my sobriety dates. Every date of all these things I told you about, I have a starting point. Because it seems like this is what you need this for When you address addiction, as soon as programs you have in the world, you need a starting point. You start from. I look at Dennis tonight and I remember Dennis reminded me a long time ago that I'd forgotten that I gave him his first big book. It was on a Wednesday night in San Leone. He reminded me of that from time to time. You know, I was born and raised in Oakland. You're going to hear strictly from me. A lot of people have done a lot of stuff. I did a few bennies or something when I was in the Army. me. It was no big deal one way or the other. And it's just my time. I guess it was a sign of the times where I was...I love drinking. I'd be lying today if I didn't tell you I love drinking, I don't like what it did to me, but I love drinking I'll tell you. I had a gal share a meat one night and first thing she got up and said when she started to share that meat, she says, I love drinkin'. I said, boy, my kind of woman. My kind of woman. And I look tonight, you know, as I stand here, you know, I got good friends. I look through this room. I got some friends that I've known for over 20 years. I've got a friend. See, how many can sit in the room and say that you can see the guy that you did your fifth step with? He's in his room tonight. Who else can say it? You know, you've seen the guy who gave you your first big book on Alcoholics and Ons over 23 years ago. Kind of a unique thing. It's amazing. When I came to my first meeting, I was handed a big book that was an old one, and I had no money, naturally at at that time and I didn't know how I could pay for it and he said well it costs two dollars or whatever and get around when you can so I got it for nothing in so many words and I said believe it or not it was a month or two before I put something together because those things become more important than paying the two dollars back you know how that is you know like with alcoholics today you know I don't lend money I just give it and I tell you I don' t give it large amounts because you know every time I lend some new guys some money he says well just give I'll get it back to you you next friday you know he must have talked about the friday that already passed you know so uh i had one guy that's been over a long time it was amazing he needed twenty dollars at the in-between i remember i seen him like five years later and he came up to me the first thing he said to me see what's bugged that guy for five years he said let me get your number i really want to pay that money back to you and that was like three months ago now and i haven't heard nothing i said i wrote that off a long Time ago i told him at that date forget it it's yours Because, see, I have to free my mind of it, not his so much. And when I, believe it or not, it's the truth, when I did just happen to lend that money, I didn't figure any return from it. I was taught, see all these things I'm sharing tonight is something I've seen, I've read, or I heard. It's nothing original. But these things are written in stone like. These are things that seem to work with alcoholics to keep us straight a day at a time. And it's a marvelous thing, you know, amazing when you stand here and realize a drunk like me can walk by liquor stores, walk in liquor stores and buy gum, walk into a bar when I have a reason to be there. But I'm always aware where I'm at. I never get cocky that I think I can do this any time and sit at the bar and drink a Coke. You see, for me, I was the kind of drunk that was a bar drinker, and there's a lot of bar drinkers in here that know what I mean. When you live there 20 hours a day, 18 hours a Day, for years and years, when I left the bar, a guy said, are you going back? I said, no, I didn't leave anything. And see, that's totally in my mind. that's one of those uh real um admissions that i can miss in my innermost self and my mind that i didn't leave nothing in the bars there ain't no need for me going back but when on a social occasion somebody wants to go in and most of the people i kind of look at and i kind of i feel a little self-righteous so i got to be honest you know when they're uh in there because they didn't drink like i drank you know they'll take a drink and just sip and then they'll look at each other and they say what's going on bob and i'm drinking a seven up i said Oh, not too much, really. I'm aware he's still got that drink in his hand. You know what? When dinner comes, gets ready, a lot of times they sit it on the bar and walk away. And I'm saying, why did you buy that sucker in the first place? Now, my wife and I, former wife, I have to clear something up tonight. I spoke 10 years ago here at the anniversary. And it's funny how things go around. I won't get into all that. She happens to be living with me now. It's strictly just a house guest, strictly. and I said some stuff at that time because I was hurt deeply at that time. It had been roughly about three years since the divorce, and it's amazing how I got through that sober, and how I got through this fellowship of this program of alcoholism. I was sober over ten years at that point, but they say one of the hardest things there is in life is a divorce and one other thing to be able to not go insane about or to commit suicide. I've heard people, I have friends, I'm not friend, but neighbors that committed suicide when they got divorced. One couldn't live without the other when they got divorce and it's you know neither men or females both and so with the help of this program it's me you know uh i said some things that were i assumed put it that way and it was honestly i wasn't really uh had any intention of lying or whatever or whatever but i assumed something went on and i found out years later it actually hadn't you know and i said it from this night so i had that tape and i threw that tape away you know because i didn't want one of my kids years years later if something happened to come across the tape that his dad had talked and made some statements that were not true. 99% of the tape was true, but there was that one section that wasn't. So it wasn't worth keeping the thing. I didn't get sober to talk on tape anyway, but it's nice to have it later on to listen to it or whatever. When I sit, you know, stand in this room tonight, I could share a lot of things that have, I want to share with you mainly what's kept me sober day at a time because that's the reason I'm standing here tonight, you If all those things I talked about, drinking and all that still worked, you'd have a different speaker than I. Definitely. Recently, I won't get into it. I'll start in the beginning because I have a way of jumping forward too quickly. I was born and raised in Oakland with an alcoholic parent, my dad, who eventually ended up here. He had 20 years of recovery here. And if I had a father again, I'd want one just like him, maybe a little less on the drinking, because he was a wonderful guy to be around. Drunk horse over, because he knew he was man's man. He fought in the bars all the time, but when he came home to his family, he never beat on none of us. He treated me as serenely drunk as he did sober. It's amazing how that was. It was amazing to look at that. Early on, I was raised with fear. When you were a periodic, I'd see him go off at times. He was a fireman in Oakland. He'd go three months, four months, five months without a drink. All of a sudden, one morning, he'd be leaving somewhere and he'd say something to me in the kitchen and i knew exactly funny i didn't know i totally knew that that afternoon he was going to be drunk and i wasn't ever proved wrong i had that happen three or four times to me and i'd come home that afternoon i'd see this guy coming up the street hitting both sides of that sidewalk falling on getting up you know and he was drunk and there was that fear because you never knew what was going to happen and you know i said i was never going to do that and i said no i'm not going to be like my father never going end up in the same place as he did and you don't want ended up identity were things that he did. I ended up with the hospital later on, and just like he did, he had the pink elements on the wall. He shared it with me, you know, years later when I was still drinking. It was four years after he died that I got sober, and I didn't know he used to come to my wife and tell her one of these days he was going to come around. I didn' t know this. He'd done so many things anonymously for me, it was amazing. I wouldn' t be in the house I have today if it wasn' t for him. I would' n't have had a different car, I wouldn't have known he paid bills off for me. He did all kinds of stuff over over the years sober that I never knew. He never said a thing to me because he was working through my wife at the time. See, I find us all out, which did, I can admit, piss me off a little bit later on. When we got divorced, he showed me all these things that he had told her that he hadn't told me. And he figured he could tell her, I guess, at the time. And yet today, I could say we're friendly today and all that. We had no problem in that area. But like I say, I was born and raised in Oakland. I had good education, Catholic Catholic education, always through grammar high school and I went to the college a little bit. Then I went into the service and you know, I was drinking a little in high school. And I was a big athlete, I can tell you that in high skill. I was four-year letterman, whatever. And so you did get some special attention. You know, when I look at these guys today, I look back at myself what Little Bit of High was compared to. They're on big scale, you know. But it's the same thing as being a high school hero just like you are the 49er hero or the Raider hero you know it's the same ego trip someone's always doing something for you for nothing you're getting away with things i remember we were playing one day i was senior in high school and we cut at noontime we took off all of us were kind of reveling went down across the street there it was a closed campus we're smoking cigarettes down at that coffee shop drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette and one of the brothers came in and nailed all of it well those guys went back and they all got a thousand lines they had to have them in the next morning that mean they stayed up pretty much that night because it was all handwritten. And I got slapped on the fingers and said, go pick some papers up on the field. You know what I mean? Early on you've got preferential treatment and stuff like that. That was just one of the things. I can mention many, many things that made you feel that you had to do that but I didn't. I see that a lot in people I work with today in Alcoholics Anonymous who have that self-centeredness. One of the speakers used some of the ones I loved. I've heard about hundreds of them that have been wonderful to listen to. One of them said, you know, isn't it great to have a program for self-centered people? And slowly, it was like 2,000 feet and you started to hear the clap and louder and louder. All of a sudden it was roared at the end. He said that a few years ago up in Reading. He said, because when I'm telling you my story, you're saying, I did worse than that. I tell you, I ended up sleeping in my car and he'll say, you had a car? I used to go to meetings at Hayward Fellowship and one guy said he had one 502 and another guy said he had two 502s. By the time it got to me it was like nine 502's and I used to say my name's Bob I'm an alcoholic and I haven't had any 502'S. It amazed everyone you could get here without having a 502. Another thing I heard if anybody in this room is not feeling okay tonight it's okay not to feel okay sober. I heard that. Some of these wonderful expressions. When I sit in and I are standing and I keep saying, last time I talked to you, I looked at that seat and had that seat. I thought it'd be some kind of cardinal archbishop sitting out there preaching and giving you the, this little medal I kept thinking, you know, it kind of got over me. I used to raise kid people. I used go to these fellowships up north and all the old gurus and they had that young little honey on their arm, right? And they're walking around and have all these medals sitting on them. You know, Mr., I said, he must be the man, you Know, with that, how many years sober or whatever you know this is said 24 hours but the reason i'm around did wear this night because a friend of mine that i did some inventory with and then we're doing eight ninth step he surprised me when i when i came over we start working on the eighth and ninth and he says i want you speaking i want to wear that that night and i said today i'm a man of my word i said i'll do that for you that night because normally i keep this in my wallet i mean package in my pocket so i just saw that explained that. And, you know, these gifts, when you have these things that happen to you that are, I don't know how you put it, they're real emotional, mind-bending things that happen. A number of things, like, you Know, early on when I was drinking, being raised in an alcoholic family, I said I was never going to end up like my father. Like I said earlier, I ended up just like him. But I went into the service and did what I call some of that whoopee drinking. I went to Europe. I went all over, you know. I went a lot of places in Europe. I've got to quit leaning on this thing. It's about like I used to be, wavy. And maybe I am somewhat today. You know, I love to be just sober. You know my sponsor always tells me, you know the highest you can get in AA, and I don't care who you think he is or how he's talking, is that the highest she can get an alcoholics anonymous is sober. You know? And that's true. I know some of us think there's another level of AA. You know I've been around some of these, like some of the AA speakers, I went to some of their conferences, And, you know, I just observed they had the first two rows roped off. And I said, I walked up to the gal one day and I said what's that all about, these first two rows? She said, oh, those are for the speakers. I said are they drunks like me? Are they kind of speaker drunks or what are they, you Know? Because I wanted to sit up there, right? Here. See, as you get older in recovery, I do in my case. And I get this from my mother who was a great gal but she had a hearing problem. You live to be 90. And I got the hearing part started, and a lot of time now I found out what I do is move closer so I can hear what the speaker is saying. Can you hear me out there pretty well? Yeah, okay. So like I say, I went into the serving room and came out, and then I met my former spouse when I came out. So, you know, I used to kid many times, and, you Know, I've been a kept man for years. I better take this off because there ain't no clock here. I can't that I can see anyway. That's all them big time speakers, they do this. That's supposed to be something magical. Things are going to happen now, look out. Anyway, like I say, I married my spouse and then we had two wonderful kids. I got four great grandchildren, I said. And it's funny how God works, really. I treated my kids like shit. Like my son said, Dad, you left when I was nine and came back when I Was 18. Well, he was already grown by then, right? And my daughter was 15 when I got sober. It's amazing how today you can make these amends that take the rest of my life to make them with the kids. And yet, the grandkids, I got, the oldest is 13 and the youngest is 2 and it's amazing, two boys and two girls. Just like when we were married, we had the perfect marriage, you know, the boy first and the girl. In the 70s, that was just the perfect match, you now? Two cars in the suburbs, boy and a girl, the whole thing, you kno, they wrote about that. Especially the boy's first, then the girl, that was the proper way. way. Or so they said in the paper or whatever, I don't know. You read all this kind of stuff and I said, geez, I believed all that garbage for a long time. I believe what other people said. I lived my life a lot of years wondering what you were thinking of me because your impression of me was more important than mine of myself. And I had to come into Alcoholics Anonymous where I did it to reverse that. See, I heard some speakers share that. I'm sharing with you a lot things because a lot these speakers are gone because they were were old when I got here. I mean, older. They were my age, you know? I say old. They were my eight. You know, it's funny. I don't feel 65. I feel more like 45, you know what I mean? It's amazing. And that's the feeling, I think, the spirit we talk about this in Alcoholics in Honor, that we pass on to one another a day at a time, you know. You now, there's no waterwalkers in Alcoholic in Honor. It's just drunks who found a way out. You see, Bill W. said many, many times, he said, it just took a bunch of useless people and made them useful. I could handle that knowing he was was a drunk. See, he was talking about himself, see? So he wasn't excluding himself, you know? Like I say, I got married and I was doing some what I call whoopee drinking. It's funny, I was never going to end up like my father. And for a lot of years, I drank and there used to be that little voice in my head at a certain time, like I'd start drinking maybe at seven at night. And around midnight, the voice would come on at these parties, you know, with Husband Wise and all this stuff. And it said, you had enough. I don't know why i could listen to that after five hours of good drinking you know and people were in the kitchen and i'd go out and have some coffee with the rest of people not much coffee but some coffee anyway figure out we're getting ready for the drive home you know and then you know over the years uh i was a bar drinker you know and i spent a lot of years a lot time in bars i don't know how my former mate ever stayed with me all them years uh uh i looked through the drinking years because i wouldn't have spent one one hundredth or one tenth of the time she spent with me you know drinking i'm saying maybe a week straight would have been it out of throwing her ass out no really because i know how i am today about certain areas and uh i've worked on those areas and yet here she put up with my crap for like 20 years and then you know actually uh i could go through this whole drunk along but i'm just saying you know uh i was a bar drinker and it started out um i worked in the phone game right in caster valley right behind that pb golf for years and years what a great job to have to be a drunk especially working the field if you could drink out in the field you could do all kinds you guys doing the same thing today so i'm not unique you know isn't one of a kind thing but uh i didn't know that alcohol was becoming very important to me on a daily basis i always saw it right up toward the end that i still had a handle on it you know and yet i remember getting up those different mornings boy especially when i drank brandy you knowand uh get up the next morning man i had the shakes i was i was in terrible shape and i went took a drink of water and holy christ i thought i was having a heart attack and one morning i went right down to one knee i said jesus christ what's happening you having a hard attack or what i didn't know i must have triggered that brandy again or whatever right and i couldn't wait to get to work and then see slowly i'd eat something or have some coffee or something you know and then later on it was like i could make it just maybe till noon time and i'll never get the valley in you know they had that side street behind her. How many days my truck was parked out behind her in the afternoon, and I'd go in there at times after I caught up on my work, and you know, I gotta admit, I was called a super worker, you know what I mean? I always had the highest performance they had at times, and there was like three or four of us, and we were always in the top. He'd mention that because I was a union steward, and he said, see what a union steward can do? And anyway, I get through, you know working, you normally would take it to a four, I've done it two, so I had two hours to play around. So I'd go in there and start to have a drink. And that big ego I had, I said, you know, you better not be in here because if they catch your ass in here, you're in deep trouble. And I light another cigarette. And the guy said, yeah, give me another beer. A little Budweiser there. So I'd have the second one and I'd start thinking. You know, an alcoholic should do one or two things. You should either drink or think, but don't do them both at the same time. Really, I heard that. That's the the truth. And I'd say to myself, well, you know, it wouldn't be that bad for Christ's sake. So I'm drinking and lighting another cigarette and he comes to me in a third one, third beer. So, I take that third beer and pour it in a glass and start drinking. I tell him, give me a little hit and pour a little shot for you. I take the shot down and feel that warm feeling go down and hit your stomach and spread out. That nice warm glow goes on and the thought comes to me, who needs a goddamn job anyway? I tell you how my thinking could change in 45 minutes to nothing. And then they finally cut my ass loose at 20 years. I was sobering up, I was synonymous about five months. You say, well, I can remember. I want to share my last drunk with you and then we'll get on into recovery. I have my book here. I was going to share with you, but it's something other. This is a second edition edition that was given to me when I first got sober, and I've used it a lot, as you can see. And the third edition has a story. Page 374 has my story in there, and this one does not because it's a different story. My last day of drank was as of today. It started out early in the morning, and I went to see my uncle in Lafayette. So when I left, I started at the waiting room early in the morning. Had a few hits there and then drove that out to my uncle who lived in Laffeyette on on Pleasant Hill Road, in a big shopping center across the street from me. So I remember I walked in and I drove over in that. And I was going to have a few before I see my uncle. My uncle was a drinker like I am, so there was plenty of booze at his house. But if I rank in a bar here, I would not be regulated. I never liked being regulated, you know what I mean? I used to go with my mother at times or my aunt, who's an Irishman. We're all half Irish, right? My mother's full-blooded. I love my Aunt Aggie. She said, Bob, could you get me a little pint of Top Ten? So I'd go down to the liquor store and get her. Come on. And she'd pour a nice drink. She'd pour her a drink, and then she'd put it on the shelf. So I never liked going with my mother because they could drink one drink, and that was it. It just triggered that obsession in me, that one drink. And I wanted more, right? So anyway, like I say, on that last day I drank, it started in the morning, and I went to my uncle's in Lafayette. And across, like you say, in the shopping center was a, I can't remember the bar. It's still there. It's not that it moved away. And I started drinking in, and I blacked out there. I blacked out a number of times before. I blackened out the first time when I was 23 years old on 64th Avenue. I remember I started drinking at a friend's house so many blocks down in East Oakland, and he drove me out. And I said, who messed with them roses? I don't even like roses. Today is different. I like them different. But I didn't like roses at all. He said, well, you were out showing Jim the roses at 3.30 this morning, right? Now I'm at 6 o'clock in the morning. I'm sitting on the back porch drinking some coffee and smoking a cigarette, and boy, my kidneys are killing me. All right? now this is 20 years later 20 years to the date just about later that i'm not drinking at my uncle and i blacked out then i came to and i looked around i had money on the bar and there was no money then i got an argument with the bartender saying this son of a you took it and for a guy my size i was very violent at times and walked away the winner or what do you want to call it it's just i got yeah i never got angry i got into a rage and rage Rage creates a lot of adrenaline. I remember hitting things with my hand and punching holes right through a wall, all the way through both pieces of sheetrock. I did that three times at home until he said, I think I had enough of you and let me line up with a two-by-four and that's why I got a little problem with the right hand today. I broke it, right? So I know I'm capable of rage. Anyway, I was out there and we were drinking there and then I went to my uncle's and I drank some warm. I'll never forget, I can remember just vividly and it's been uh they told me and hey what follows you can't remember your last drunk you probably haven't had it because it didn't leave see what they're saying it did not leave enough of an impression on you that last drunk left enough impression on me i can tell you and um i remember i was drinking these little cores never get it because he was at toward the end of his drinking you know and uh drank those little chords and we talked and go out and get in a little mickey mouse can of cool you know then i remember he had jim bean by the stove so So I had to look where he was at and take a little hit off the Jim Beam. Had to take that little hit. My uncle's a fancy drinker. He had it brought by the caves, Jim Beam, he didn't drink beer. Beer was strictly just social, you know. Drink a half a beer and leave it and then go get the Jim Bean, right? So, I mean, a whole family, a lot of my family. See, my dad, like I say, got sober 20 years ago. Well, anyway, I went through that day there and that was just about four years from the day my dad died. My dad died December 28th, 1972. I'll never forget that because I was close to him. I mean, I carried his guilt or whatever for I don't know how many years until my former wife said, all right already, man. It's been four years and you're still crying about your father. Because, you know, when you start to drink, you get them phony emotions. You get that poor me's and you get all this. And I was so close. And that's not the kind of guy I was. But when it came to him, it seemed to change. Well, anyway, on that last night I drank, I came home, I remember. And see, I always thought I was a kind of man's man. I already heard a guy say he beat around a woman. and I knew I could handle him easier. You see, he might fight, but he's got nothing to decide. When you catch him get hit once or twice, he's done. And then I did the very same thing. I remember I came in that night. That totally destroyed that ego of mine. When my former wife said something, I rememberI slapped her and she slapped me back. I walked through that and then my daughter said something. I rememberl I slapped her violently and she slacked me back I remember l staggered into the bedroom that night and this is after like 27 years of drinking I can tell you all the hospitals I've been in, but I thought I'd cut all that short. I want to talk about recovery. And I fell face down on the floor and that was my first experience came to me. Two words came to that night, it's over. And to that day, I did not know nothing. I remember a year later, so many months later on that last night, those words came, it was over. And I know there were experiences because I can remember them 23 years later. From that day to this, I haven't eaten or wanted to have a drink. So moving on, you know, after we went through there, I remember my wife and daughter, we've all talked about that later. And she said, Dad, really, you were really a love tap. You thought you were swinging, but you're so goddamn drunk. And I laid it on you, she said. And you walked right through it. I did feel a little sore in the morning. I signed my jaw from both of them beating on me. Anyway, they said, we checked you that night night and there was no breath, you know, they didn't see any, put a mirror under my nose and didn't seem to be breathing. And they checked a few other things. And then he just left me there. And I said, you know, a few years later, I said well did any of you think about calling an ambulance? And they said no. See that's how the Al-Anon gets back at you. You know, they'll kill your ass if they get a chance, right? They're not going to help you. Well I probably would have deserved it anyway. See I'm useless as a drunk. I'm better dead than being a drunk. The only use I can be today in alcohol is when I'm sober, you know. And that's what I share with people today. I don't want to work with people that want to keep drinking, you Know. I say get drinking, either die or get back here and get serious. You know, when there's life and death then you stay sober. If it's just a habit, you don't stay sober." It says that in the big book in the 12 by 12. You know why do we have to carry it to that length? We have to carry it to that point of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. And what that meant to me was my last drunk that night where I came to in the next day And this book here says, you know, she wrote that in this book, my former spouse, November 9th, 1976, first AA meeting. And that means a lot to me today when I look back on this stuff because that was the foundation point of my recovery, of a whole new life. To put it away, it is a whole New Life today. I'm not the guy I was when I walked into it 23 years ago. It's totally different. It's because of you people. See, I haven't done this. See, this is a WE program. program. I share that with anybody, you know? I hear some people four or five years sober and they're saying they're miserable. Then I ask them three important questions, you know. I think it's three, two or three anyway. I say, do you pray on a regular basis? Do you work the steps on a regularly basis? And do you work with somebody on a regular basis? And most of the answers are no to two out of three of them, especially if you work for somebody else. Yeah, I mean working with somebody else doesn't mean you have to be some God a guru walking around with all the step-Nazi and the rest of it. It's about carrying the message to one another, and going to meetings, and then learning together. I've learned more about these steps of Alcoholics Anonymous through the people I've worked with over the years than anything they've done. What these people have taught me and shared their experience, and I've shared theirs, you know what? We both got to grow together in this program. That's where I come to believe. I didn't want to have anything to do with the God of my understanding when I got here, but boy am I sure that third step up is you're all slowly cut that ice and I said looking ahead on that you know coming to that first meeting I remember that first meaning I looked down the street now and a guy in the back room I look there and Walter was the secretary of that meeting and I come stagging that meeting that night enough together and that first day Amy and in front of me the first meet I was that night I identified because of what people talked about drinking and they showed me the the Haywood Fellowship that very same night there was a couple in there called Ralph and Winnie and they were older they were married twice over the years both alcoholics they've been married once then they got divorced and then got married later and then I ran into Winnie just a while ago and she's working up in Big Sky Country up north doing taking care of old people or something so you know I've met some wonderful people there was this one One gal named Helen, and she was elegant, I'll tell you that. She was a blonde, blue-eyed woman of about 60, sober about 27 years at the time I came in. And she'd be at the fellowship, and we should have that cigarette with a holder, fancy holder. Elegant woman. And we sit there talking, and I come in and say, Bob, how are you? And she made me feel so much at home, and he was such a lady to begin with, too, you know what I mean? I mean, she just earned respect just looking at her. And you figure, the Hayward Fellowship, you didn't even know the Haywood Fellowship. That's a trip and a half. It was a trip when I got there. We had everything going on in there when I Got There, you know? Lonely Hearts, the club, whatever, you know? Everyone thinks what they're doing today that it's one of a kind. I said, hell, if that parking lot could only talk. Oh, Christ, I'd be gone myself. And I wouldn't be here. But anyway, you know, it brought to you where you're at today. It's slowly with the people, like I say, I came in alcoholics night the first meeting that night on on a Tuesday, I remember. And we slowly... I started coming back to the meetings and they told me if I drank every day... We didn't have none of that 90 and 90 and all this sort of stuff. They said the same thing but they said it in different words. They said if you drank every night every day you'd go to a goddamn meeting every day. And it's just funny. They told me go to meetings every day and I didn't argue. I just went. And I was working. So I work with people today and tell me they can't go to meeting because they work. I said bullshit. Because, see, I've done that. And if I've done it, you can do it. I worked long hours. I worked overtime. I've been doing all that kind of number and I went to meetings every day. Funny how that fell, didn't it? You know, most of the time you're done by 830 at 9. A lot of times I hadn't eaten dinner and I went to a meeting at the fellowship. The fellowship was open all 24 hours in those days and they had the 830 meeting. So I'd get off at 8 o'clock or whatever and just shoot over to the fellowship and eat something after. Or a lot of times I'd stop I'm not a rich man or poor man, but I'll tell you, I've got all my wants and needs provided day to time today. And in those early years in Alcoholics Anonymous, the first couple of years, Jesus, I'll tell you. Walter can remember too. I keep bringing up Walter, and Andy in the back can remember. We used to go to the Haywood Fellowship, and that was the home base, and we'd go all over San Mateo. We'd go to San Francisco. They say meet there at 7. We'd be there at seven. when we go to San Francisco. I mean, it was up, I remember going to El Cerrito Fellowship, I remember Going to Fremont Fellowship. I remember Goin' to Five Cities. I remember goin' over the hill. There wasn't that many over in Pleasanton at that time. But there's a lot of them south of here, right? San Jose, all this stuff. And drive and just get in that meeting just in time and sit down, get a cup of coffee, light a cigarette, you know. I love their, Wally remembers this. Our step meeting was, God, they were great meetings we had, you now. Roz remembers them. You know, there's lots of people. Pauli. There's a bunch of these people in this room who can remember those meetings that we had down on Grove Way. See, they call it the C Street Step Stubby Group once because it started on C Street in the post office. Have I said that? C Street in the post office and it was only there a short time then we moved up to Grove Way It's like the Hayward Fellowship in San Leandro That's Alcoholics Anonymous That's just us You can't take it literally Like I said earlier, they say we're all here because we're not all there you know i can believe that one for sure but anyway that those meetings there see early on i was in meeting every night and um we had a book meeting on monday night step meeting on tuesday wednesday night like we still doing in castor valley now on high street and wally's carried that tradition on from that meeting for over 20 years now and it's very meaningful to me today it's funny i stayed away for a long time and then i finally realized what what it was and how important it was to uh see for me it's important that i do a step meeting in a book meeting once a week besides the other meetings i do you know being a bachelor and being retired and having a good life going and uh i go to meetings every night i got no problem with that i don't think i could be with a woman today because i you know she'd have a that's what my former wife said you know i was a widow when you're drinking now i'm a widow now and uh a new one would be the same way i think you know maybe a weekend we could do I don't know I'm just kidding but it's funny I remember I shared last night with some gal and I didn't realize I was talking to a new AA woman in San Jose you know she was kind of hippie and she was eating a chocolate brownie and I said you know boy those things are rough on your hips and she says that's very rude I said yeah the truth and I walked away I don' t know I just had the mood that I was in I was going to say well maybe Everybody should apologize that I had a hell with it. You know, I get in those moods. It was just the fact that I was kidding, see, to begin with. And see, I didn't know she had thin skin. You know that thin skin? And the only thing that sickens the skin today, believe it or not, is the steps of alcoholic synonyms. You can stay dry in this program. You have a choice. You can grow in this problem through the steps of alcoholic syndromes, or you can stay right where you are for the next ten years. But I don't guarantee you'll be sober at the end of ten years years. I had some speakers that I talked with after conferences and we sat down half the night. I was in search of information, and these speakers had the information because they were talking the truth. There's one guy named Paul C., a number of years ago, and he said, you know, I treat what they call untreated alcoholism. That means the alcoholic that's like eight or nine years dry without ever having done the steps. And then some of them get drunk, and some are lucky enough to make it back. I sponsor about seven or eight people now, and that's good enough for me. And I shared this earlier. I had about five of them that had gone out, didn't drink, but stayed away from AA. I guess they hadn't hurt bad enough. And you can tell us about that much. This is a program of attraction, not promotion. I always share this earlier that they say you've got all these 12-step programs and try to tie the grandfather, which is Alcoholics Anonymous, with all the other 12-stepped programs. And to me, Alcoholics Anonymous is not a 12-step program. It's a spiritual movement that incorporates a 12 step as a way of living. It opened my life better and made me... What you see tonight is really I'm a product of Alcoholics Aeronautics. Like it or not like it, that's what I am today, you know? I like to think today that I have a degree of, you might say, principles in my life that I live by, and yet I'm human like anyone else, you Know? and yet uh i believe in prayer and meditation i believe you have a sponsor you should talk to him at least once a week i just got through talking to mine yesterday and he's up at cob mountain yeah i love the guy i tell you that he's my sponsor since i was eight years sober you know it's the hardest thing at eight years over is to go up and ask somebody will you be my sponsor when you're sponsoring three people yourself goddamn eagles that's an eagle kicker boy they have to go someone else they have to be your sponsor when you're doing that and the greatest thing I ever did and he just said he took it so light he said sure that just that quick and that was 15 years ago nearly now right a little better and see in 2000 he'll celebrate 30 years I love that Irishman I tell you that he was there when I was going through my divorce when I'm going through all kinds of trials he was there every day because he's so happening them got sober in like 72 and And then, I mean, 76. And then within 86, 10 years later, I got to get a divorce. But in the meantime, just before the divorce came about, I was having back surgery. And I had one and they had to take care of two discs and then I had to go back in a month later and take care OF another. So I was still off. But I've got to be honest, I wasn't hurting that bad because I was going out to meetings every night. So I couldn't have been hurting that badly. I had a wonderful surgeon. And I'm sorry to say he's not here today, but hell of a surgeon I had there. A wonderful Maynard Pond. Don't forget him. He was a neurosurgeon. but he was one of us it seemed like a dry one in a way and them nurses he'd come into my room and ask me how are things going and I just had to look past him and see those nurses and they they had that look and if I said the wrong thing they were going to get their ass beat out for sure because he was there at 6.30 in the morning at 10.30 at night he was still there here's a big master what you call neurosurgery strictly a surgeon did so many operations brain surgery did back surgery did everything I used to say to them I'm getting great treatment which I was you know when I go to a hospital or any of that I don't expect to be weighted on hand and foot you know I'd like to have my rights respected and for the most part they are but I can't have a ring of buzzers and expect two minutes later a minute later they're going to be there maybe four or five minutes they're doing something with someone else see that's what this program has taught me about learning how to live and let live I learned that through the steps being honestly and if anyone one that hasn't done the steps or got into the steps, I'm going to tell you how much you're missing not getting into them. I'm jumping around just a little bit because there's really no pattern to my recovery that, you know, when you've been sober 23 years, there's a whole bunch of things I could mention that have helped me maintain recovery. That's the bottom line. See, I'm a drunk. I like what Bill W used to say. You see somebody sitting in a room and you go over in the corner of the room and sit down. He didn't say he was alcoholic. He'd sit down and say, hey, my name is Bill. I am a drunk. He got right at that level right down so it doesn't read the terminology one way or the other i like the word it's a little fancy word alcoholic many uh there's been all kinds of jokes about that too you know they say drunk the difference between a drunk and alcoholic you know alcoholic has to go to meetings you know and you know just come to mind my mind won and i had to tell you a joke i heard it really impressive that joke was this uh alky was talking a number of years ago and he shared a story about about this old guy and he uh he wanted to leave something for posterity his sperm right for posterity so he's about 85 years old she went to a sperm clinic you know and he met the gal there and he told her what he was going to do and she looked at him you know this young little gal there and said well you know you're kind of old for leaving that aren't you and you're only by yourself what's the big deal about leaving it he said well don't matter what leaving it just give me a jar let me do my thing so she gives him the jar and he takes and walks down the hallway and closes of the door. She didn't think too much of it, you know? So about 15 minutes went by and, you know, well, maybe you have a little problem, you know. Maybe 30, then 45, and then an hour. She's getting kind of worried in about an hour and 15 minutes that, jeez, I hope nothing happens to that old guy in there. So she runs down there and gosh, she knocks on the door and hears this little voice say, come in. He goes in and here's this guy laying against the wall, man, he's sweating profusely, you know! He's got some of his clothes on. And he says, you know, I've used my right hand. He said, I'd use my left hand. I even knocked it off the wall. And he said, I can't get the lid off this jar. I remember a guy did that for an orange for about $3,000. He had everybody right. It doesn't tell you through that punchline, so I just had to repeat it. Maybe not as well as he did it, but, you know. So, I mean, we take this thing out. The rule 62 in the 12 by 12 tells us don't take ourselves too damn serious, You know what I mean? Really are. You know, I was playing golf a number of years with a friend of mine now. He's in the hospital. And as we talk, he's in a hospital. I hope things will work out for him. And he was still drinking. And the three of us were supposed to be sober members out all these times. But you know, we get out there and play golf and we don't want to end up like Tiger Woods or Palmer or one of them, right? Playing that game. It was getting real serious about the 14th hole there. And all of a sudden, he put a ball down and he hit the goddamn thing. It was one of them exploding balls. I mean, just like a bomb went off, you know? And I can admit, the last three holes, we were just laughing and being ourselves and having a good time. And that's what it was all about. See, I learned with alcoholics that we are very sensitive. We hurt easy and we don't heal well. And that is what the steps help to heal. They help me get a little thicker skin. They helpme look at the guy I don't really care for. And I am going to admit, there are guys today I don' t really care care for, but they do not buy much time in my head today. Before they used to buy weeks in my mind and today they are better. I can attend meetings on a regular basis. I have good sponsorship. You have to believe in what you do. I could talk about alcoholics and honest all night and into the morning. I remember we did this many times at conferences. I've I've been to, in 30 years, let's see, I mean, in 23 years, I mean I've done over roughly 30 conferences in over 20 years. You know what I mean? I went to 10 a year, easy, no, 15 a year. And you name it, and I had the kind of job I could take the three-day weekends there. Because see, that was a good escape for me. I could go there and just be a kid for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And believe it or not, when Sunday closing ceremonies would come, I started to get a downer. I mean that was like poor me on the way home from the conference. I wish it could run another week and we could do that. You know, sit up all night, smoke cigarettes and talk about them dormies and all that and what we weren't doing and what we were doing, you know. And also about that guy, you know, trying to help that friend of ours who wasn't there, you know. All that good talk we have at coffee shops at afternoon. You know it's funny. We talk about each other. I was in going in the hospital. I heard I was 13 years sober and I lost my leg at that time. And some of you are saying, boy, Bob sure knows that book. but he sure can't practice it or something like that and i said well i told the guy when he got up there i said you know opinions are real loose you know we all got an opinion you know just like we all get assholes we've all got opinions you know that's about the same difference i see in that you know because if i'm here tonight to please you i'm in the wrong place yeah i've had guys i work with they said they went to hear some speaker and they really didn't care for him that much because maybe he didn't incorporate anything other than whatever he was talking about and i have to remind him i remember that speaker got up to talk he wasn't there to please you he was there to share his experience strength and hope he shares what it was like what happened and what it's like today and when I look at today and slowly and I can say after that last drunk you know I started coming out called I believe in service without any reservation of what kept me sober over these years that will keep me sober from now on on a day at a time I believe you're You're not in service. You're probably on shaky ground because we're talking about the I-self and me, the ism. See, service is the key. Service is the thing that keeps me out of me. And see, it's like that famous song of the alcoholic, you know? I'm not much, but I'm all I think about. And I can remember two songs in a bar. Ask me why you remember these two lines. I drank a lot of years in bars and there were two songs I remember and just two lines on them. one was uh no one likes to play rhythm guitar behind jesus everybody wants to be the lead singer in the band you know and the other line on the other song was there's a devil in that bottle and he wants to see you dead and you know that must have been played thousands of times for me to remain in my subconscious mind had to be one of the most popular songs in that bar because they played hundreds and hundreds of songs when i was drinking and i can't remember any of them except those two lines are those two different songs one of these days i was going to look that that up, you know, go back and see, they could probably find out, you know, look into the manuscript to find out what the songs are, what the names of the songs are. Not that it's that important, but it's just like one of those trivial things we do. And, but sitting up here, or standing up here, I keep saying sitting, I know what that is, it must be a, I know something of the way I'm living today. I got up and talked here 10 years ago, and I was totally, I was nervous, I wasn't everything and today i'm so goddamn relaxed it's unreal you know so uh i know what that's about i believe it's about the way i live in really and it's all due to this program i call synonymous i was thinking you know about us working with each other and i had a gal here that was just like a sister to me uh and i won't mention her name because i don't think they want a name mentioned and she's um doesn't live here she's in tennessee now and we were talking this morning and I love her like a sister. She said, Bob, I love you. And I said, I love you too. I get sentimental because she's terminal now. She was terminal 12 years ago and then she did all the stuff you had to do, you know, the chemo, the this and that. She was a riot. She was kind of a gal like I say, you loved her or you hated her. She was tricky. She was an all AA gal. She has her sponsees. Four of them took a trip to see their sponsor. She'd been down there for eight years and she's still their sponsor and that's how powerful a woman this gal is. I know because we were in this very hall one night ten years ago or whatever and she had mastectomies on both breasts. I was standing over there and she said, Bob, come here. And there was a woman standing next to me and she says, feel my new tits. And the woman next to her I thought she was going to pass right out in front because she had these phone things. And that's the kind of gal she is. But she's so open and so honest. I can't believe, you know, if I had a sister. I have one sister and we're okay. We talk once or twice a year. I was out to see her the other day. I haven't seen her in eight months. Because still my brother-in-law, you know, pies on him. You know, I'm part Italian. We still don't, you know. He's such a tight son of a bitch. I wish I could say something nice about it. I mean, he's all right. He's just, Jesus, everything's around dollars. You know? I think when I start pouring that glass of water at the sink, I I think he's watching me. I've got to look over my shoulder. Don't feel it all the way. Don't Feel It All the Way. But anyway, even my sister stood outside. She said, Bob, you know, I nearly ended up like you. I said, what do you mean? She said a while back when the kids left and Joe in that kitchen. Boy, I went in that garage a lot of nights and I see my dad was an alcoholic. He said, boy, you had that bourbon out there. I can tell you I hit it pretty good for quite a while. A number of years. But she never ended up being like me. You know what I mean? And today she had no problem with drinking. None at all. so when I look at this I'm jumping around because it got to me a little bit I was talking about dying because I don't like crying in public or even tearing but it's ok, I can do that today I have no problem with it I like to live more on the positive side well anyway it's funny I wanted to go to Sear this was a few weeks ago and this is how God is working in my life so fast today I heard a speaker say you know it'd be nice to use god but on god's time is so slow but you know believe it or not when you start turning this thing over to god god works so fast he blows your mind you know i had a little problem i mean a little situation out there and uh with a hearing problem and i wonder how we're going to manage this money thing about these hearing aid or whatever if i have to do it and all the money you're going across and all of a sudden i just walked over to a guy i'm standing in the bathroom naturally yeah i drink a lot of water now so i do a lot of time in the bathroom and uh the thought i just said to him i said well i'll turn it over to you i walk out it wasn't two minutes later i sat down to get my blood pressure checked i asked the guy where do you get those things in his ear at right and he was telling me he says you know uh they cost so much but if you go to uh costco you get them for one-third the price and one-thirds the price i could handle just like that and i looked at that i walked outside i was talking to god i I said, I don't know what the hell this is all about. Are you going crazy or what? And then the guy asked me out there at Costco, why did you join Costco? I said because I want to buy hearing aids. He said, you're something else. I said well wouldn't you come somewhere where you can invest $40 to save $1,400? It seems like a good deal to me. But see these are the kind of things that have been happening and I mentioned about this trip like turning this thing over to God and saying I'm trying to bring up share with you this third step of alcoholism. See it has to be not said it seems like it has to be over it's just been coming on to me I'm sober 23 years and it's really coming on to me that when you turn this thing over and leave it see I had done this thing with the hearing thing now with the thing with the trip two weeks ago we were talking and I figured there wasn't a real way I could do it right now to go down there and to really because see one of the big important things to me is when I before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous I was a spendthrift I had no money always broke whatever and it prided me really and I thank God on a daily basis that I was able to put that together and put money together and put this together. I got investments now and I got a lot of different stuff I never had before that's over. I mean, since I got divorced, see? And I felt very good being self-sufficient to a point. But it's because of you people is why I was unable to do that, the principles we have here. Well, okay, I let this thing go and all of a sudden a friend of mine says, we were talking to him, I said, yeah, I'd like to go down there and it was yesterday. We were just sharing this stuff and he just brought it up to me that he was going and there would be room if you wanted to and we could share a room. And look at that, the whole thing is there. And I looked up here again and I said, the money came, it happened just like this, that quick, and it was done. Now, if that isn't God working, what is it? I mean, if you've got any kind of problem with God, then get to that third step and read that third steps out of 12 by 12 over and over again. Because it talks about understanding of God as you understand God, right? And see, I wear a cross today and i got no problem with that but what he represented is and i won't get into all that i'm just saying that's my own personal belief today i have no problem when he believed today and i believe where i'm at today and the health i have and how i feel about my life and you as a direct result of this power greater than myself god as i understand him today but i found out it has to be he's an action god see there's no uh chapter in the big book that talks about into thinking it's about into action you know and i've been another from i've had more action out of that big book than i ever thought i have in years you know it's really when you start to study the book it's a wonderful thing for a drunk to start studying the book and find out you're able to handle situations that used to baffle you or you'reable to handle them today and it's all because of this program because of the people i work with i can't tell you the amount of input i've got from the guys i've worked with and sponsored today that have the input they've given me to be able to walk. And I found out, you know, to keep this thing, you have to give it away. It says in the big book, it has to be the elimination of selfishness, self-centeredness. That's the key to recovery and alcoholism and all that. And you know what? I'm not trying to share or tell anybody anything tonight because I know I went a lot of years slowly. It's like that onion slowly peeling the layers. Slowly. And I believe that's what's happening today. May. I'm getting more toward the center core slowly after years. I do church today. I got no problem with church today in fact I really love the church I go to. I won't get into what it is but I tell you, I never heard a woman minister before you know all kind of male dominated thing of my generation and the most fantastic thing this world's missing is women ministers you know. I tell ya, I do two services with her. I'll do in the morning she says Bob I I said, well, I'm going to hear you again at 11. She says, you're too much. But you know when somebody turns you on just like AA does? And this gal really, the way she talks and the way she describes different stuff and the knowledge she has about certain things. I get there at church around 8, 5, 30. And I leave around 12, 30, so that's four hours. And I usher and I do different stuff. And it's just enjoyable the whole time Sunday morning to do this. And see, I just started doing this a few years ago. It wasn't something like I've been doing for a year. But somebody, another AA friend, see that's another one. Another AA friend asked me if I'd like to go and he just suggested it. Now he's in Hawaii. You know, living in Hawaii, this friend of mine and asked me if I would like to come. And I said sure. So I went and the next thing I know, it took a while to catch on. I've been doing the church for about 8 years. See, I mean, finally after 8 years I figured now I can start being a part of. So I got this little pin they call I got a pin last year for this volunteerism. so they gave you a pin because of what you volunteered for a whole bunch of us it wasn't only me a whole much of us and I found out just like in Alcoholics Anonymous to keep this thing going to keep these meetings going it takes alcoholics in recovery to keep meetings going God helps us but he works through people when he helps us it isn't something you just because I know I went for years to meetings and just seen they were all set up I remember the Wednesday night meeting in Hayward I was the first secretary not the first secretariat but I was new in recovery cover, you know, and I had a deal like guys today. I had the black briefcase, man, and I had The Big Book, and all that. I was just Mr. Hot Shot A.A., man, coming up here, you know, about a year sober, slamming on the table, man. Open it up, you now, put the book out, put out the deal. There's a pencil. Okay, man we're ready to go. Now there's a table there, there are coffee cups there, and there were cookies there. And there was the old time A. A. in the kitchen saying, hi Bob. And that's all the recognition he needed. You see, I didn't know that one day that's where I wanted to be is where he's at doing what he's doing because he had grown to the point spiritually that he didn't need all this attention but he knew exactly where I was at a year sober. See, when I work with guys today I know exactly where they are and I don't judge them at all because this is part of the recovery. You see the bottom line today in alcoholics and non-alcoholics if you don't pick up drink up and keep going to meetings all this stuff will slowly change. But I hear guys sober a few years and I get on their ass all the time They say, well I've been sober five years, but I don't go to as many meetings anymore as I did. I said, you know this isn't some kind of social program, is this how you got sober and not going to meetings? I said you're going to turn into the same asshole you were when you got here just in a short while. And you know most do. ILO today, this is the beginning of a lifetime practice and I look forward to it, I tell you. When you've been given an out like I've being given, I'll just briefly, like I say I had a divorce at 10 years, had other stuff at 13 years, sober with the leg. And then at 19 years sober, I had, let's see, 10 years had the back surgery, leg, and then 19 years I had open heart surgery, you know, something like that. And I can tell you today at 65, I'm in better shape today than when I was at 42 years old. But I can tells you that by the blood pressure, by when I see the doctor and I exercise four days, swim three, four days a week. I got a good friend that's in here tonight that lives out in Walnut Creek and has a wonderful Olympic-sized swimming pool that I use any time I want. I usually use it three days a week. Usually we get together and we have lunch or something and then we go swimming. And she's one of these ex, what do you call it, college swimmers and teaching me. I thought I knew how to swim with the strokes and I found out I'd been doing it wrong and my shoulder was killing me. She said, well, the thing wrong is you're doing this. And once I started changing that, you know what? I'm sleeping better and my shoulders are not hurting. So, you're never too old to learn. And I've tried to share tonight some of the things that have kept me sober. It's like working with people and going to meetings and really get into this thing about called out, calling synonymous. They say, you know how meetings start? Out of resentment most of the time in a coffee pot. Because we are touchy little bastards, I'll tell you. I had to face up to that and realize. I used to get my feelings hurt like hell. I remember when I went to Tuesday night meetings. I went there for just a short while and then all of a sudden I stayed away for three months and I came back. I thought when I walked into that room, everyone would say, Hi, Bob! And no one even noticed me. I said, Fuck these people. I ain't coming back in. You know, I'm just one of you. You know? I wasn't the celebrity. But see, I have to deal. My sponsor had to deal... He was great with me about dealing with my ego. And I don't know if I'm that much better today, but I know it's controlled to a point that I use it in the area that I'm not an authority on alcoholic songs. I'm non-authority on this death. But I believe in both. And I believe what it says in the big book, you know? It says that And most of us, you know, in the third chapter are unwilling to admit that we're real alcoholics. That we're bodily and mentally different from our fellows. Many pursue it through the gates of insanity or death. I don't doubt that. And it says, you Know, the first step in recovery is that we have to concede to our innermost self that we are alcoholics And how do I concede? To my inner self? Through total humiliation. We have topics at meetings. You know, I don' t know why. We're stupid at times. I really do. I say, These assholes are stupid. I wish I could say I'm such a spiritual giant that those thoughts don't come, but they do. I hate to tell you all the changes and mood swings I've had in 23 years. A lot of areas in my life have changed. I know when I get heavy, I get in a funk. That's a fact. When I get heavier, I go into a funk and when I start getting lighter, all of a sudden, the real me comes out. It's a nice way of looking at it. I've been in meetings where I felt better than I've been in meetings where I didn't want to be like you, and I've been in meeting with a bunch of babies, and I've in meetings with all kinds of Muslims. And I realized that's just part of that recovery session. I wish I could say that I was always happy, joyous, and free, but I haven't and have not been that way. But I found today that by staying on a regular basis into the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, trying to share with us on a regularly basis, because see, I go to meetings every day. I got no problem then. I don't have to apologize for that. Because, see, some of my peers are real. I call them the real icons of AA. I cup a cup in the back of the room right now. But these are the guys that were here when I got here. See, I've got some guys in the room tonight that took me to my second meeting. Now, how many in this room can say that? All these people I mentioned already that are in thisroom tonight that were there in the beginning of my recovery. So you talk about gratitude. I'm loaded with gratitude. These people, these guys and gals have been behind me ever since the day I walked in Alcon Sinanus. You know what? They have not walked away. They have stayed. That's the big deal. They have stayed even when he's seen all this shit I was doing. I can share a couple things and I'm not proud of them but it's just what it was. I put a drink down when I first got here and then I met Mrs. Wonderful here, you know that AA girl on campus. When you had a 40-24-34 it was hard to turn down I don't care what and she looked like Jane Manfield I'll tell you. Today she looks great and we're both sober years later but we had a two and a half year in love with her four nights a week we went away to conferences we went everywhere you know and i'm not proud of that but it's just where i was where see i put a drink down and then i had to get some good sponsorship and how i got out of that is when i started to write an inventory with a good friend of mine we talked about earlier i said well i'm in the pile all this year don't worry this is the answer i started to write the inventory you know and the thing that really got me out of them it was one day when i was two years over a little over two years old my daughter who's at 38 now she came up and put her arms around I mean, she said, Daddy, I love you and I love what you're doing. And I felt such like a piece of shit because if she only knew what the old man was doing at that time. And that was a catalyst for me to slowly change that. And I was able to do that through that people and a good sponsor and all that. And slowly, one of the guys was Alex. A lot of you knew him and he passed away. And I used to go see Alex at night, every night on the way home. He was an old bachelor who lived right over by me. And I'd come by 11 o'clock and I had that guilt getting on me because I had a decent woman sitting at home that was waiting and I, you know, made my stop as usual. And I stopped at his house and I'd open the door and he'd say, come on in. He'd be sitting there and he would say, great guy. God, I love that guy. And he'd look up to me and he said, well, doing it again, huh? Sit down. And he would get me a cup of coffee. And see, he could say anything to me and I wouldn't walk out. Because see, I wanted what he had. And you know when I was lucky enough before he died he said you know when he see me forming with my former wife again he said you know i can always tell exactly what his program is like is by looking at you i can tell you how he's doing and that was a great compliment to me because he's that's something i always wanted and then shortly thereafter he died that was the shock to me too it's amazing when you have close people like that i have a hard time with people that you're close to that pass away you know and uh so you know if i've said nothing in tonight is that i want to say one other thing and i'll shut up here i've been talking for for quite a while and I want to this book here is a second edition you know and it always galled me or whatever if I can find the spot there was there was a story in the second edition that doesn't appear in the third edition I want I want to know why and I asked some people and you know some gave me that off the collar like you know an alcoholic can't say he doesn't know he can't say they have to give you some BS answer well he probably got drunk and I don't buy that when I hear somebody drinking I don' t believe any of that until I see it in my eyes. Because, see, at the Hayward Fellowship, there was this gal who came in and we hadn't seen her for a while and they rode up while Alice or somebody died, right? And I was doing the program and all of a sudden here comes Alice in the door the next day and I said, you can't be here. And she said, why? I said、You're dead! It was written up on the board. And she says、Holy Christ! She went up and rolled it down. I said،I believe about that much from alcoholics today, you know, unless I can see it myself. So, in this professor in the paradox, I really related to what he said about really alcoholic anomalies is he says we AA surrender to win, we give away to keep we suffer to get well and we die to live and I couldn't