The Therapist Who Said His IQ Was Too High to Be an Alcoholic — Keith L.

My name is Keith Lewis. I'm an alcoholic. I'm delighted to be back in Richmond. One of my favorite places. I got sober in Washington, DC a while back, May of 1973, and my old friend Ray O'Kay always says I've been around a long time. You can tell by looking at me I've been someplace for a long time. I, if, we've got an alternative or a backup plan. I was in Arizona till late yesterday and flew into Wilmington and Julia picked me up and we actually slept about three hours, didn't we? And we got up about 345 to drive down here. So if I fall asleep, my buddy Don, where are you, Don? Don's gonna pick up where, okay, Don's, yeah, there he is. Don's gonna take up for me and I'd like to introduce my lovely wife Julia. Would you please stand there? Talk about a small world. My wife works with Don's sister and Julia's in law enforcement. We've been married 14 and a half wonderful years and we did a workshop together last year out in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and I discovered something that I didn't know and Julia brought up the point. We were talking about how people fall in love and Julia's convinced that the reason I was attracted to her was she said that she was the first woman I ever met who had her own handcuffs. Don't get excited guys. I'd like to start off with a quote from the big book. It says, a tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out which on which we can absolutely agree upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries those who suffer from alcoholism. You know, it's, if you ever go to a lot of meetings, it's hard to believe that we have a common solution upon which we can all agree. I mean, you talk about the idea of being able to get along with your friends, and I'm not going to get into that. I'm going to get into the idea of being able to get along with your friends. I'm going to get into the idea of being able to get along with your friends. You know, you talk about parsing sentences and things like that. I mean, I see more disagreement around Alcoholics Anonymous over the silliest things. And so what I'm going to attempt to do today is really to talk about the fact that, you know, what we have is seriously a spiritual program, and it is a way out. And you know, I'd like to harken back to the history of alcoholism. You know, In the early 1970s, alcoholism became quite the rage. I mean, it was on radio and TV and all kinds of things, and people took a great interest in it. And in the 50s, the American Medical Association and the American Bar Association both agreed that alcoholism was a disease. Now, that was first concocted by a man named Seneca. And for you history buffs, you know that Seneca was a legislator and a senator, and his dates were 4 B.C. to 56 A.D. And he first described alcoholism as a disease. So he beat the AMA by about 1950 years. But he wrote some interesting stuff about it. It was sort of fascinating. He noticed, though. He noticed that some of the... sons of the prominent families, the patrician families in Rome, were going to downtown Rome, and they were taking part in behaviors that embarrassed the family. Now, I don't know what you had to do in Rome to embarrass your family. Must have been bad. And he gathered up some of these lads, and he took them out in the country. Actually, it was almost like a peninsula with a guarded gate. And, you know... He noticed that when he just took them out there, if he didn't do anything, they did funny things. They flopped around on the ground and did things, which some of us have done. And you don't have to be Italian to do that. And so then he decided that what he would do is he would give them... start off giving them wine, and then he'd add more and more water to the wine. So I guess Seneca opened the first detox. And he also did an interesting thing. He noticed that... And if he fed them a lot of fresh fruit and that sort of thing, that their thinking seemed to clear up a little bit faster. So I guess he was the first guy to take part in vitamin therapy. And... But most of all, they ran around and did stuff, you know, like threw sticks or whatever, you know, Roman boys did for fun when they weren't drunk. And... But most of all, they promised they'd never do it again. And hard to believe, but they did. And, you know, within a few weeks, they're back in Rome embarrassing the families. And he made the observation it's as though they're diseased. So he was the very first person to call what we have an illness. And now, you know, our religious friends for a long time had been pointing out that the behavior that many of us partook wasn't really along the lines of moral. And so they said we had to change the way we acted. And... And so finally, the miracle happened. And of course, it happened in 1935. And... You know, we know the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. We know that Bill had a profound spiritual awakening, you know, in Towns Hospital with his third trip there. And his wife and her brother, who was a physician, were meeting with Dr. Silkworth discussing Bill's fate. And they had concluded that they would have to lock him away someplace, or he would die, certainly die of alcoholism, because he'd been in DTs again. And I'm always struck by the humility of Dr. Silkworth. I don't know if you knew this, but Dr. Silkworth was one of the top members of his class. And his dream was to become a surgeon. And... And his classmates all got together and told him that he had a sense or a feel for alcoholics, or New Brits, as they called them then, that he had a sense for them that was bordering on spiritual. And they talked him into giving up his dream to be a surgeon, to work with alcoholics. Now, by his own reckoning, only one person in a thousand he worked with got well. And so here's a man who gave up a dream to work with a bunch of whores. And he was a real man. He worked with a bunch of hopeless cases. And how many of us he must have watched die, and how heartbroken he must have been. And we know the story. Bill's very, very sick. And he has his spiritual awakening. A white light enters the room, and he feels a sense of peace and ease. And he had a certain knowledge about what he had and who he was and all the rest of it. And he called this humble man in. Now, do you imagine working with alcoholics all those years, and a guy calls you in and says, You know, I think I just met God. And you could say, Yeah, well, I've got a fellow three doors down who thinks he's his son. But that isn't what he did. What he did was he said, You know, Bill, whatever you have, you better hang on to it. Because it was better than what you had before. What a humble answer to give. I mean, what tremendous faith he must have had as a human being, in human beings, and in what he did to give an answer like that. And, of course, you know, Bill went on and became a zealot. And he ran around jerking people off of bar stools and doing all kinds of things. You know, can you imagine? All you have to do, now look, here's what you do. It's a very simple program. You know, you drink too much. You know, you convulse. You go into DTs and you wait for the white light. And one in a thousand of you will make it. And so, you know, the only guy that Bill helped, the only guy who quit drinking with Bill's help, was the guy who put his head in his oven and committed suicide. He was the only one he stopped drinking. And Bill finally became just absolutely discouraged. And he said to his lovely wife, this isn't working. And she pointed out something that he had forgotten, and that is that he was sober. And we know the story. He went off to Akron to make his fortune again. And it fell apart. And you talk about the hand of God and things. I shudder to think where many of us would be, had Bill's attempt to take over the company worked. You know. But it didn't work. It fell apart. And he's in the Mayflower Hotel. And here's the music coming out of the bar. Remember the bar music? You know. Some of you remember disco music. Some of you remember, you know, some of you remember big band music. I'm sorry to tell you. But, you know, there's a sound to music. You know. And, you know, it harkens back. As a matter of fact, when I first got sober, I couldn't listen to classical music for about six months because it made me thirsty. Because I would get very drunk when I was drinking alone. And I'd wax philosophical. I'd read something, you know, usually Invictus or something like that. Remember Invictus? Out of the night covered me black as a pith from pole to pole. I thank whatever gods may be for my incomparable soul. In a frail clutch of circumstance, I have not wench nor cried aloud. Under the bellarings of chance, my head is bloody but unbowed. It matters not how straight the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul. And I burst into tears in my little hovel on Skid Row. I had managed my life beautifully. And I was the master of my fate. And who needed those other people anyway? So, at any rate, Bill's in Akron. And everything fell apart. And he heard the music coming out of the bar. And he walked down to, you know, and he knew he needed an alcoholic. And I think that must have been the moment that Alcoholics Anonymous was born. Because, you know, prior to that, Bill was the giver. And, you know, Bill was the old timer. He was the only timer. And, uh... And he was the old timer. And he was there to, you know, to serve and to give. And I think the day, that moment Alcoholics Anonymous began was the moment Bill needed an alcoholic so he wouldn't drink. And I think that's the power of what we have. We've always been surrounded by people who know the answer. If we'd have listened to them, none of us would be here. You know? But if we had listened to them, there wouldn't be anything called alcoholism. And, um... And Bill, you know, ran down a list. And it was a guy named Tunks. It's interesting because in New Hampshire, uh, or Vermont, in that part of the country, up there where it gets cold and snows a lot, um... Tunks means a walk in the woods. And somehow it resonated with Bill. And he picked up the phone and called that one particular man. And that one particular man, um, happened to be a member of the Oxford Group. And the Oxford Group, uh, the Oxford Group was begun by a man named Frank Buckman. It's a marvelous book called On the Tale of the Comet. Uh, if you'd like to read his story, it's... It takes some time. It's about 1,200 pages. And, um... But it's fascinating reading. And, um... And he'd begun... And what the Oxford Movement was, was a return, an attempt to return to what was perceived as first-century Christianity. And that is when there were absolutes that, uh... My dear friend, uh, Mike Way, who many of you know, and, uh, please keep him in your prayers. Mike has, uh, had begun hospice yesterday. He's, uh... He's my oldest and dearest friend in Alcoholics Anonymous. Uh... Uh, this April, we will have been best friends and prayer partners for 30 years. And, um... And Mike puts it beautifully. We talked one time about how fortunate we were to grow up when we did. Because Mike said, you know, he said there was a... There's a line. A very, very thin line when we grew up. And he said above it was right and below it was wrong. And he said now there's a big murky cloud called relativism. And you make up your own right and wrong. You know, you get to be your own higher power. You get to write your own Ten Commandments or 11 or 12, 3. Well, you know, whatever number strikes you, you know, you get to call the shots. And, uh... I'm the master of my fate. I am the capital of my soul. And, um... And, uh... But there really was an absolute right and wrong. And, um... And all things had to be considered. It was interesting. You know, I... One of my favorite people was a man named John Henry Newman. John Henry Newman was involved in the Oxford Movement, which, uh... Not the same as the Oxford Group Movement. The Oxford Movement was something that took place in England in the 1830s. And it was a move back towards the... It was a move back toward Romanism in the Episcopal Church. And, uh... Harold Frood and a number of professors at, uh... At Oxford University kind of started it. And, um... And when John Henry Newman wrote the book, The Idea of a University, which I think is the finest piece of English prose ever written. It's marvelous. He also wrote something called Apologia Pro Vita Su, which means, in defense of my life, it's an also wonderful reading. But in The Idea of a University, John Henry Newman talks about life being like a pie. We've heard that, haven't we? Except where my wife says it's like a pie. And, um... That's how you say pie in North Carolina. And, um... And what he says is that in The Idea of a University, he says that, you know, the base of our knowledge, who we are, is made up of a variety of things. And one of those things is the knowledge of God, what he calls theology. And he said if you don't include the knowledge of God, you're not going to be a Christian. And he said, God forbid, if you don't include the knowledge of God in your training and in your education, then something else will take its place. And he said, God forbid, it might even be science. Boy, was he prophetic or what? But, um... But I think that, you know, the people who are made up with all those parts are very, very fortunate. And if you've been trained spiritually or religiously, as a... You know, when you were young, it's harder and harder to be an alcoholic. It's harder and harder to justify the kind of behavior that I was taking. And, um... And, um... And, um... And, um... And, um... And, um... And, um... And, um... And, um... And, um... And, um... And, uh... And, um... And, uh... And, uh... The Oxford group was an attempt to return to that. And you know the story. I won't, you know, go into great detail about it. But, you know, one of the members of the Oxford was Henrietta Cyberling. And, uh, there was a physician who was a member of the Oxford group named Dr. Bob Smith. Lived on Ardmore Avenue and, uh, in Akron, Ohio. And, uh... And, uh, Dr. Smith had confessed to the group. that they didn't know it, but he had a drinking problem. Turned out they did know it. And you talk about poetic justice. Dr. Smith was a proctologist. And he was a co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. That tells you everything you need to know about alcoholism. But he confessed this. And one of the tenets of the Oxford movement was that if you seek God, God will give messages to you somehow. It might be through another human being. It may be a voice. It may be any number of things. An inkling or a tendency. If we read page 86, 87, 88 in the big book, when they talk about the 11th step, it says that what used to be a hunch or an occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. And it says we come to rely upon it. And so they really believed that. And one of the great examples of this is... In 1972, after Bill had passed away, he died in 1971, Henrietta Seiberling was invited to speak at Founders Day in Akron. And Henrietta at the time was living in New York City and she wasn't well enough, physically well enough to do it. So in her place, they asked her son John to speak. Now John was a congressman from that district of Ohio. And so he called his mother up and he asked her to describe the day when Bill and Bob met. And he tape-recorded the conversation. Then he had a transcript typed up. And it's in the congressional record, if anybody ever wanted to get it. I also have copies of it. Not with me, but I have them. And it's in the congressional record. And it's funny. Her account of what happened was very... Not very, but somewhat different. Than the account that Bill and Bob had. Now, you think about it, you know. Bob was drunk and Bill was on a dry drunk. So I'll go with Henrietta. I'm sure they're all telling the truth. But we're talking about accuracy here. But one of the things that Henrietta pointed out was they prayed with Bob. And they prayed that he could take two drinks and drink moderately and stop. That was their prayer. And then one day she's praying for Bob and it struck her. And she called up Ann. She was all excited. She called up Ann, who's Bob's wife, and said, you know, tell Bob he can't take the first drink. It's the first drink that gets him drunk. He can't take the first drink, you know. What was missing was how to do that. But he was hanging out at the Mayflower Hotel. How to do that. But Henrietta got, you know, knew Reverend Tunks and Reverend... Tunks called her and... Well, actually gave her number to Bill. And she got him up with Bob. And we know what, from then on, if you ever get a chance to go to Akron and see Dr. Bob's house and go out and see the carriage house on the Cyberling Estate and all that stuff, it's just... It's almost like walking at a cathedral. Reminds me a lot of being at Augusta Golf Course. It's just something very spiritual about it. And... But it really is a marvelous place. It's a place to be. And I walk around with joy. I'm fighting back tears. Because I have since discovered I am not the master of my fate. I am not the captain of my soul, you know. And... But this whole thing came together because Bill needed Bob. And he knew he did. Now, Bob needed Bill, but he didn't know that yet. And... And, you know, the... We call June the 10th the birthday of Alcoholics Anonymous because... You know, Dr. Bob went off on a... Went off on a medical society meeting. And would you believe he got drunk? And... And, you know, I think it's almost poetic justice, you know. He had to go perform surgery. And he had to shake because he'd been on another drunk. And so Bill took him to the hospital and he gave him a beer to calm him down. So Bill gave Bob his last drink. Now, history doesn't record what happened at that point. But... But... But that was the beginning. That was the beginning for us. And what was it that happened? And when they sat down and they put these... these things together and they began to... to, you know, journal their experiences, we must remember that the first hundred years of our lives were the first hundred years of Hellenism in the USA. And one of them, quite recently, I don't know if you heard me. But as the UN says, was the first century of Hellenism. That was the time of Hellenism. And there was a series of individuals in the Library of the pense deck who encounter he outlived everybody else just out of spite. But he started a third group, which was the Shaker Heights group in Cleveland, met over a firehouse, because he made a very astute observation. He observed that there were a few Roman Catholics who drank too much, too. One or two. And so he wanted to have a meeting someplace that they wouldn't be afraid to go. So he started the Shaker Heights group, and they had it over a firehouse. And then they got together to write this book. And the man who really propelled this book was sort of interesting, was a man who got drunk and died shortly after the book was published. He's the one who provided the office. He provided the secretarial help. He provided everything that was needed in order to do this book. And somebody... Some suggest he had ulterior motives, like getting rich. And, you know, but they couldn't even sell the original, you know, the first printing. They had a hard time selling them. If he'd stayed sober in Hong Kong, he could have made a lot of money. Now they're selling them for thousands of dollars a book. But, you know, some of the things that they concluded, and if you hang around AA, which I strongly urge you to do if you're an alcoholic, because you smell real bad if you don't. What you hear, and we hear it so often, I think that we may become desensitized to it. What we hear about are the incredible miracles that take place. And people don't say, let me tell you about my miracle. What they say is, something happened. You know, something happened. And something happened means God just arrived. You know? Something happened, and... I'm not serious. Something happened, and... What happened when I met Joy is a wild thing. You know, the first 12 years of my sobriety, I'm not a bit proud of this. I was a real bum. I mean, I really was. I mean, it was all about me. You know, enough about me. What do you think of my shirt? And, you know, it was basically my attitude. And it was about getting ahead, and it was about... You know, and I went and got a degree in theology, so I could be one of the high rollers in alcoholics. No, I'm just joking. But... As I noticed, they talked a lot about God and stuff, and I want to be right up there with them. And, you know, I said it to feeder guys like Buck Doyle and people like that. But I noticed that there was an area of my life that was absolutely disgusting. And it really was. Now, I had since come to know God and everything, but I was basically calling my own shots. You know, I was what you call a situation athesian. You know, I decided what was right based on the situation and love. And if she looked good enough, it was right. And I'm not proud of that. It's just a reality. And I had another one of those relationships. And that was, like I say, it's over about 12 years. Way too long to be living a life like that and running around being magnificent. And... And... And... And... And... And I was at a friend's house. And I was just utterly disgusted with what I had become. Finally. Disgusted to the point that I got on my knees and I begged God to tell me what to do. And I made the commitment. I prayed almost all night. And I made the commitment. As the sun came up the next morning that I was going to never, you know, treat a woman again the way I had treated women in my life. I was one of those men, and very few of us around, who were very angry with me. Women, when it came to alcoholics and all that shit. Because, you know, women hold a lot of power in men's lives. They can make them feel good or bad, on and on and on. And I resented that. I resented that. And so what I promised God that morning was May the 5th, 1985, that I would never ever abuse a woman again. I wouldn't abuse my manhood or her womanhood ever again. That I'd live a life, I would live a celibate life. And that I would use all the energy I used to live. I would use all the energy I used to live. I would use all the energy I used to live. I used chasing women to work with new people. And that night, I went to a meeting I didn't plan to go to because a friend of mine was speaking, and I met Julia. And then I went to my sponsor, Tom I, and told him what I had discovered, and asked him to teach me how to be a man. How to date. You know, how to do this. I pointed out to Tom, I said, you're really married. He said, oh yeah, I'm really married. I said, you're even married when you're out of town. He said, oh yeah, I'm married. I said, oh yeah, I'm married when I'm out of town. So, in effect, what I was doing was I was finally starting to do what the book suggested. I was finally starting to build character. And, you know, I haven't had to do that. And I never made a move that I didn't discuss with Tom. He said, don't do anything until you talk to me about it. And so, you know, I suggested to Tom that I was going to ask for a job. And I asked Julia if we could have an exclusive relationship. And it was after like 14 days and 3 minutes or something. And he said, you're not ready for that. And I said, oh, but I don't want to date anybody else. He said, it doesn't matter. He said, you have friends in AA. He said, you know, go to lunch with some of your women friends. You know, go to a movie. He said, you don't have to be intimate. But you're not ready. And I said, why? And he said, well, you'll know. And, you know, about 6 months later, it occurred to me that my pattern was exactly the same. If I found someone who I thought would have me, I wanted to capture them. Because my thought was if they could have anybody else, they'd take them. And so what I ended up doing was, I went and I explained that to Tom. He said, now you're ready for an exclusive relationship. And so then I said to him, about a year and a half later, I said, Julia and I are going to get married. He said, you can't. I said, why? He said, you're not engaged. And I said, Tom, that's an old-fashioned idea. He said, well, it got to be that way for a reason, Keith. And, um, so Christmas Eve, Julia was coming over from Troy where she lived to my house and we were going to go to Midnight Mass together. And I was dressed up and I had gotten permission from her parents and I had a ring in my pocket. I mean, I was ready. And I practiced and everything. And I had a fire going in the fireplace. Music. You know, the tree was up. I mean, you name it, man. And I was ready. And they talk about setting a scene. And, um, and, um, I was just about to go into my act and she said, I'm going to check my makeup. And she ran in the bathroom. So I chased her in the bathroom, put the ring on the wrong finger with the wrong hand and asked her to marry me. And, um, I mean, aside from that, it was pretty good. And she fell into my arms and we both wept. And all through Mass, we'd look at each other and just cry. And, uh, and then, you know, um, uh, you know, we don't, the book says clearly that we don't dictate the terms of other sexual behavior. Okay, we don't. But I think what we do need is standards. And I think that's what the step provide for us. And that's what sponsorship provides, is standards. And, um, so I said to Tom, um, now I'm sober now like 16 years. We're engaged. We're doing it all right. And strange things happened when I became engaged. I actually began showing Julia my book, where I was going, what my commitments were. Do you want us to do anything? Let me know. I mean, you know, my life was actually somebody else's business. I used to be married and my life wasn't my wife's business. And, uh, so a huge change had been taking place. And, uh, so I said to Tom, I said, Julia has an opportunity to transfer her job from her county to my county, so we're going to live together before we get married. He said, no, no, no. He said, that violates everything you believe in and everything you've worked toward. And he said, besides that, and this is where he really got me. You've got to, sponsors are very, very unethical people sometimes. he said, you represent Alcoholics Anonymous in your community. He said, if someone who lives in your community has a drinking problem, they knock on your door. And they do. They used to. You know, the thing was, if you played golf with Keith, you don't drink anymore. That's sort of what happened. But, uh, and he said, this isn't about you. This is about Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, and I knew he was exactly right. So we didn't live together. And, uh, uh, the week that we got married, Julia's job transferred. Of course. Um, but, but at any rate, the point I'm trying to make is that alcoholism is a spiritual illness. What that means is that I ended up violating virtually every principle that I ever lived with in my entire life. That's what alcoholism does to one. It destroys the very fabric of our being. A little bit later, I'll, I'll describe something that happened to me that, that really pointed out to me that there was nothing left inside of me. And, um, and what Alcoholics Anonymous does is it helps us rebuild the fabric of our being. And that's what the steps do. And the 12 and 12 describes it beautifully. There's something that, uh, that began to happen in AA shortly after I came in. Um, and that was a tremendous focus on how we feel. You know what I mean? It was really, it became very, very important how we feel. As a matter of fact, you know, I came into Alcoholics Anonymous through treatment. And I love treatment centers, don't get me wrong. Had it been for that little place that Ernie the attorney started out on the Potomac River, I'd be a, I'd be meat on the hook. And, because I don't think, I, I hadn't had a drink from the day I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm convinced that those 30 days I spent there in relative safety had a lot to do with how it happened for me. Because I was living in the basement of the house in Skid Row, and my life was a shambles. And so I'm really grateful for that and for what the people taught me and all of that stuff. And, but, you know, what, what I discovered was that, that Alcoholics Anonymous is a way of life upon which we really can agree. But it's a way of life that demands that I build character. And when we get to the 10th and 11th step, we'll talk a little bit about that. What I know, in my, in my goal, and my goals aren't, aren't grandiose in any stretch, you know, the word, no, you know, not, not at all grandiose. All I want is to be a better member of Alcoholics Anonymous this time next year than I am right now. I want to be a better father. I want to be a better husband. I want to be a better friend. I want to be a better sponsor. I want to be a better pigeon. I want to be, even if it's just slightly better in every area of my life, this time, next year than I am right now. And the reason that's important to me is I look back over the years of my active alcoholism and every year I was less the person I wanted to be than I was the year before. And that's the value and the beauty of inventory work that I could see that spiritual, emotional, physical, and moral decline in my life. And I could see it year by year by year. And since I've been in AA, since it's become important to me to do that, I can see that I'm not what I want to be, but I'm more than I was. And that's what this life offers me. And that's why I love it so. You know, when I was still drinking and I was married to my first wife, she was seeing a psychologist, which I was convinced is why I drank the way I did because I was married to a crazy woman. And I knew it was going to come. I knew they were having an affair. And you know, you know all those things, just intuitively know those things. And the guys at the bar shared that sort of insight with me. And they knew everything. And so they asked to see me and I knew it was coming. And I also knew there was something very wrong in our lives and there was something very wrong in my life. And I was a little concerned about my drinking. And I made up my mind I was going to be as honest with this man as I possibly could be. So I, I, I went in and, and we talked for a little while and then he asked me that question. He said, he said, your wife tells me you drink a lot. I said, I do drink a lot. And he said, how much do you drink? And I said, I'll bet I drink a half a fifth a day. Now my theory was if you didn't buy it, you didn't have to count it. And, you know, we all have our own theories. And, and he said, that's a lot. I said, yes. And I said, you know, I said, do you think I might be an alcoholic? And he said, no, no. He said, you're too young. He said, your IQ is too high. He said, he said, I think your problem is you have a really poor self-image and you need to be affirmed. And then he turned to my wife and he said, part of the reason he has a poor self-image is because of you. You tear him down. And I remember thinking, I don't know what we're paying this guy, but he's worth every dime. And he gave me my very own affirmations. This guy had done his doctorate, his Ph.D. in affirmations. And he gave Keith's affirmation. He just invented those. Remember those electronic, electronic typewriters, you know, with different fonts and things. And he made me two pages from my own personal history, Keith's affirmation. And every morning I was to stand in front of the mirror and I was to affirm myself. I was to tell myself all these wonderful things that were true. And my wife, if she could, was to stand beside me to reinforce my affirmation in an attempt to undo some of the damage she had done. And I was so pleased to find out I wasn't an alcoholic. I got very drunk that night. I got very drunk that night. And so I was affirming myself all alone the next morning. And I'll never forget this. You talk about ludicrous. I'm standing in front of the mirror. I'm looking into those yellow bloodshot eyes. And I got a slight tremor. You know how it is, you know. I'm looking in there and I say, you know, Keith, today you're a winner. Today you're a wonderful husband. Today you're a wonderful husband. She was in the kitchen. Today you're a kind and loving father. You know. I got today, you're a brilliant researcher. I got halfway down the first page. I said, today you're full of crap. That's what you are. You know. I may have been an alcoholic, but I wasn't stupid, you know. And, you know, and that's how people try to treat us. You know, they don't know that the problem is, is our foundation is rotten. You know, it's like putting a new roof on a rotten house. And that's what so many of these attempts to do. And I think that's what I'm trying to do. And I think that's what I'm trying to do. But, you know, we all know that the attempts were all about, you know, meditation, and you know, on and on and on. And, you know, there's so much that's all about it. And what A.A. knows is we have to rip out the foundation and rebuild it. And he actually asked questions like, is the foundation firm? You know, is the mortar properly mixed? You know, because it says that we're building a foundation upon which the rest of our life will be built. And that's what's so crucial And that's why the straps are critical. You know, they're critical. It's not what we learn on top of what we know. It's what we find out that we don't know. I remember when I was pretty new in AA, a guy had the temerity to say to me, you're delusional. I didn't know what I meant, but it wasn't good because of the way he said it. And so I went to an old guy, I don't know if anybody ever knew Jack Dennis up in Virginia, but Jack was a great old guy, you know. And I went to Jack and I said, Jack, guy just told me I was deluded. What's that mean? He said, well, Keith, he said, delusion ain't what you don't know. It's knowing things that just ain't so. And so the book refers to that as old ideas. And so when he says we've got to let go of all of our old ideas, I think what that means is I've got to be willing to not be right about anything. I thought that, Alcoholics Anonymous was about solving problems. And, you know, you'll go to meetings today and somebody will say, anybody here have a problem? And I love to say, I got alcoholism. You do anything with that here? And, you know, somebody will come up with something like, well, mother had a square nipple or, you know, you know, something you really, really. And, you know, and then 50 untrained, psychiatrist will take a shot at that. And, you know, the beauty of this whole deal is, you know, I ran around with a bunch of young folks when I got sober, you know. And I'll tell you, it's amazing. The first one got sober in January. Okay. There were nine of us. The ninth one got sober in December. December the 12th. You know, this year, all nine of us celebrated 30 years. You know? And we were crazy. We were crazy as outhouse rats. But we had this terrible habit of sending Keith to the old-timers to ask questions, you know. We sort of hung together. It was sort of like the problem of the month group. And I'd come up with a problem, or we'd come up with a problem, and we all had it at the same time. It was amazing. And they'd say, Keith, go ask the old-timers. And I'd say, they don't like me. They'd say, yeah, they like you because they treat you mean. That's how they, you know, they like you. And so I'd go. And, and, uh, I remember I, and, um, I remember one time, uh, they sent me. And the old-timer, this old-timer said to me, he said, you got a lot of problems, don't you? I said, yeah, yeah, I got a lot of problems. He said, every time somebody else got a problem, you got it too. I said, that's the strangest thing. And, um, and he said, well, I'll tell you what to do. And, and, uh, I had seen this guy the month before, because I had a problem I wasn't sharing with the group, uh, impotence, which would put a crimp in your sex life. And, um, I wasn't telling him that. I didn't tell anybody about that, but I told the old-timer, and he laughed. He thought it was funny. And, uh, he always think it's funny, you know? And he said, uh, I said, he said, it'll get better. He said, a lot of, a lot of men have that problem. It'll get better. I said, when? And he said, well, you got a full, uh, you got a full social calendar? Ha, ha, ha, you know. Let me guess, you're gonna take her over on Skid Row and really wine and dine her, aren't you? Ha, ha, ha, you know. And, uh, so the next month, they sent me to him with a, same guy with a problem, and, and, uh, and he said to me, he said, look, he said, I want you to do me a favor. I said, what's that? He said, I want you to borrow some lipstick from one of the girls. He said, don't do anything else with the girls. He said, oh, that's right, you can't. Ha, ha, ha, you know. He said, I, I want you to go home, he said, get some lipstick, go home right on the mirror, Keith, you're wrong. I said, well, you can't, I can't do that. You see, my problem is I have a poor self-image and I need to be affirmed. Don't ever talk that way to an old-timer. You know, they hadn't read any of those books. And, um, so I, I bought a tube of lipstick. I didn't want to, uh, borrow anything from a woman, you know, and, uh, so I went home and I wrote on the mirror, Keith, you were wrong. I was just disgusted. I threw the thing away and just, these people are nuts, you know. And I went to bed and I had a normal night. I don't know if you remember a normal night at about, you know, 90 days or something like that, you know, I laid down and closed my eyes. My head woke up for the first time, it took off. And, uh, you know, you're never gonna make it, they're gonna find out you're crazy, you know, you're gonna make it, you're gonna make it, you're crazy, you're not an alcoholic, you're gonna be alone the rest of your life, like everyone's gonna make your amp, and it, you know, on and on. It was like, just like a loop. And, um, and then, you know, you drift off to sleep and then the leg cramps would set in and I'd be jumping up and down beside the bed. And, uh, just crazy. And then 15 minutes before I had to go to work, I go sound asleep. Take, take three alarm clocks to wake me up. And, uh, and then, you know, depression was waiting for me, you know, you're gonna go to work today and they're gonna find out you don't know how to do your job and they're gonna fire you. And what difference does it make? You're hopelessly in debt. You know, just the usual stuff. You know, every morning I had to decide whether to start the coffee or fall on a butcher knife. And, uh, you know, I, I went into the bathroom and it said on a mirror, Keith, you were wrong. I said, well, thank God, cause if I'm right, I'm in a lot of trouble. And, uh, and so I discovered that the great gift in Alcoholics Anonymous is being wrong. Cause the more things I could be wrong about, the more substantial the foundation of my life can be. And yet, you know, I grew up with the old idea that if you were wrong, you were nobody. You know, I mean, my family would carry on arguments for generations, you know, and I'd carry on arguments with my poor wife and I'd change the argument a little bit to be right. And, uh, I mean, it was just insane because I had to be right. Now they're telling me that the only way out of this thing is a willingness to be wrong. And it's just such great advice. And, um, so, um, I was, um, I was talking about this whole business of, we get into feelings. Now don't get me wrong, I think feelings are important. And I really think that treatment centers and other people do great service when they teach us about our feelings, you know, what they are and how to identify things and all that stuff. Otherwise it's easy to go crazy, but the problem isn't our feelings, you know? But I thought it was. And I misunderstood what AA was about because in the treatment center, when we had meetings, we talked about feelings. So I knew out, and I didn't know anything else, but I knew that if I couldn't make it in AA, I was a dead man. I knew that. And, um, and so I wanted very much to fit in. And so I went to a meeting and, um, and they had a topic. Can you imagine such a thing? And, uh, I wasn't even interested in it. They had it anyway. And, uh, and it got to me and I shared my feelings and a great hush came over the crowd. And then they went on, what's the thing? What's the topic? And, um, the next week I went back and a guy met me at the door. He said, your name's Keith, isn't it? And I said, yes, sir. He said, uh, you sober all week? I said, yes, I was. He said, that's great. So was I. He said, you know, he said, I'm glad you're back here. He said, we had a business meeting last week after you left. He said, the vote was 12 to nothing. Nobody cares how you feel. And, um, he said, we're interested in what you do. He said, this is a program of action. And he said, if you don't like the way you feel, wait 10 minutes, it'll change. I said, that's right. I've noticed that. It, you know, and, um, and so I came to understand that, that, that, you know, I don't have to be ruled or run by how I feel. That what I need is a plan of action. And the plan of action is in this book and it's best delivered by a sponsor. And, uh, and so, yeah, I got a sponsor and his name was Dan. And Dan said, Dan, I'm going to give you a chance to do something. And I said, okay. And he said, okay. And he saved my life. I don't know where Dan is now, I pray for him a lot. But he just disappeared. And, uh, and I was sober a couple of years when Dan disappeared. And, uh, I've been all over the country and I asked about him wherever I go. If anybody knows him. And, um, um, and then I, I was sober about two years when Dan disappeared. And, um, and I, um, uh, then I got, uh, I sobered, I sponsored myself for about a year. for a sponsor. And my life was in the toilet again and I asked a guy named Sandy B if he'd sponsor me. And Sandy said, we'll talk about it. He said, bring your running shoes Saturday morning over to my place. You know where I live. I said, yeah. He said, well, bring your running shoes and we'll have a run and we'll talk about it. And I didn't have any running shoes. I had four cartons of cigarettes. I didn't have any running shoes. But I bought some running shoes and I got them dirty so he'd think I ran. I ran and I did. So I was tremendous rask on honesty. And so I went over to see Sandy and we put on our shoes and he looked at my shoes and they looked like brand new shoes somebody put dirt on. And we started running and you know, when you're smoking four packs a day, you get to the point in a hurry. And I asked him if he had sponsored me and he said, you really have a hard time, don't you? I said, I think I'm dying. And I was serious. And he said, well, I'll tell you, Keith, he said, do you believe in God? And you know, I knew a lot about God. I went and got a degree in God. And I did. I got a degree in philosophy and theology and all that. Georgetown University, pretty good school. And you know, it was a gift of sobriety. And you know, I knew what other people knew about God. But I didn't know if I believed in God or not. And one of my old ideas that I brought in from my childhood was that if you have any doubt at all, it means you don't believe. I now know that that's false, that that's wrong, that doubt is an element of faith. You know, if you don't have doubt, you don't need faith. You know, if you know for sure, then it doesn't require faith. And faith is believing even when I doubt. But I didn't understand that then. So we're running along and I knew this may be the most important question anybody had ever asked me in my life. And I somehow knew the answer to this was crucial. And I said, I'm not sure. I don't think I do. And he said, that's too bad. That means you're probably going to die. And I stopped. I mean, what's the sense of getting in shape? And I thought for a minute and then I caught up with him and I said, you know, Sandy, I'm willing to go home. I'm willing to go home and reconsider my position. And he said, good, if you're willing to reconsider your position, I'll sponsor you. And he said, you know, people live because they're willing to reconsider their position. And you know, I think that is absolutely true. And I think when, in the fifth chapter when it says that, you know, the only people who don't make it are people who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. I think what that means is people who are unwilling to reconsider what they think they know. To sort of put everything on the block and say, I am willing to be convinced to the contrary. To the best of my ability, I will question what I know. And that's what an annual house cleaning is really all about. It's questioning what I think I know. You know, I think the difference between an old timer and a bleeding deacon is that a bleeding deacon is someone who has fallen in love with his or her own ideas. And they spend the rest of their life being meeting new people with their ideas. I think an old timer is someone who recognizes that sobriety is a process that takes place. That someone takes someone by the hand and they walk them through life and they help them learn from their mistakes and they help them learn from their victories and they help them learn from their defeats. And what comes out of everything that happens is a spiritual lesson. I'll just give you one example. I was sober a few months and I was asked to study in France. There's a guy living on Skid Row and he's asked to go to Paris to study with probably the world's greatest cytologist who's going to study staining techniques. And I didn't think my sponsor would let me go. And so I showed him the letter and he just beamed. He was thrilled. He said, you mean I can go? He said, you have to go. He said, this isn't about you. This is about alcoholics. No. He said, three months ago this couldn't have happened. And he said, we have four months to get you ready to go. And then he told me something that has I found to be so very, very true. That's why I love this man so much and why I miss him so much. He said, he said, you can do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous if you prepare properly. And we prepared me to go to Paris to study. And New Year's Eve 1974, I'm on a plane landing in Orly Airport and I'm glad I was sitting in the corner by myself because I wept. It couldn't happen to me. You couldn't get there from where I was. You can't get from Skid Row and 14th Street and Washington, D.C. to Orly Airport in Paris. You can't do that. That doesn't happen. And, and while I was over there my sponsor just happened to come through town and spent a week with me. And one of the things we did was we went down to Orly Airport and we went from, I went down, I'm sorry, to the beautiful old village called Sartre. And in Sartre there's this magnificent cathedral that is an architectural wonder. The two towers are very different. What happened was they lost the plans and people, actually the peasants worked on these things during martini time. You know, it was like they do their day's work then they go and volunteer and work on this thing and so you figure something's built during martini time. And, um, you know, the two towers are entirely different one from another. And the engineers to this day can't figure out how it's standing but it's been standing for a thousand years. And, um, so Dan's explaining all this to me. He knew all these things. He knew everything. He was just a brilliant, wonderful man from the coal fields of West Virginia. And, uh, and we're going across the square in the village of Sartre and I see this magnificent cathedral and he said, he said, I'll tell you something. He said, not many people know this but there's actually stairs that go up to a catwalk that goes around the top of the, and he said, we can look down and see the entire cathedral at one time. And my heart stopped. I had a deep, dark secret. I was terrified of heights. Okay? And, uh, and I always thought that the way you dealt with fear was to be brave. And when I was in the Marine Corps, I volunteered to go to jump school to overcome my fear of heights. And, um, I'd already busted a kidney up overcoming a previous fear and they wouldn't let me go to jump school so I had to go so I went to mountain climbing school instead. So I spent three weeks in a Sierra Nevada rappelling off the sides of a cliff, drunk. And, and the guy I'm climbing with says to me, you've been drinking. It's like he was an Al-Anon or something, you know? he said, you've been drinking? I said, of course I've been drinking. And he said, he said, I'm not climbing with somebody who's drunk. I said, you're a lot better off with me drunk than sober, I'll tell you that. And, uh, and because I thought that the way he overcame fear was with courage. And, uh, so I, I was going to fake it. I was going to get brave. And I, finally I stopped halfway across the square and he stopped and looked at me and said, what's the matter? And I almost choked on it. I said, Dan, I'm afraid of heights. And he said, oh, you got the old afraid of heights problem. I said, a lot of us have had that. He said, he said, we don't have to go up there. He said, or, we can go part way, which is a novel concept for now. He said, or, we can go till you get afraid and then you can take my hand. And that's the way we do it in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I went up there until I, I said, Dan, I'm really feeling kind of shaky. What happens is your vision closes down. And he, and he, I took his hand and together we went to the top. And I didn't dance around up there or anything, but, and I couldn't wait to get down, but, but, the point is, is that I did it. And I didn't, I didn't do it because I was brave. I didn't do it because I cooked up some pride-driven courage. I did it because I reached out and took the hand of another human being. You know, I bought a beach house when I moved to North Carolina. And, and the kids came and told their mother, my children came and said, Mom, Dad bought a beach house. And she said, that's strange. Your father hates the ocean. And, and the kids came and said, Mommy said that you don't like the ocean, Daddy. I said, where's your Where did she get that idea? And I remember where she got that idea. We went to the ocean once when we were married. We were living in Washington, D.C. You know what happens when you go to the ocean from Washington, D.C.? You have to go across that bridge that's 500 miles long and 300 miles high. You know, and they make, always make you stop in the middle. You know? And I'm there sweating bullets in the middle of this. We're dying, dying. And I can't tell the woman I'm married to that I'm afraid of heights. You talk about a phony, a phony, fear-driven life. And when they talk about honesty in the fifth chapter, you know, they don't mean lying. That's part of it, of course. But honesty is how I present myself, what I do, everything about it is honesty. When I was taking, when I was getting benefits from interpersonal relationships without the willingness to accept a responsibility, I was practicing a form of dishonesty. When I was allowing people to believe things about me, that weren't true, I was practicing a form of dishonesty. When I was espousing things because they sounded good versus that I really believed them, I was practicing a form of dishonesty. When I was a fearful person and hid my fear, I was practicing a form of dishonesty. And what I recognize is that what alcoholism is to me, the spiritual aspect of alcoholism, is that I'm dishonest to the very core of my being. Even what I think I know is wrong. Sandy told me, I worked the steps for a little while on this and that, we were at lunch one day and he said to me, he said, well, you've crossed a great divide. I said, excuse me, he said, you're at that point in life, this was, scared me to death, he said, you're at that point in life where you would be better off doing the wrong thing for the right reason. Than doing the right thing for the wrong reason. He said, if you do the wrong thing for the right reason, we call it a mistake. He said, if you do the right thing for the wrong reason, we call it dishonesty. And he said, and honest, you know, people are constitutionally incapable of being honest if people don't make it. And, you know, we arrived at this because one of the tasks that I was given when I worked with Sandy was, we'd meet for lunch every week and every week I had to come up with an old idea. You know, an old idea is something I used to believe and no longer believe. You know, I'd make up old ideas so I wouldn't fail. And one week, I don't know what happened, I may have fallen in love or something, but I forgot to make up an old idea. Something got my attention. And so we're sitting out there eating and Sandy said, well, what's your old idea today? And I thought, oh, I said, I don't have one. He said, there's an old idea. He said, every week you lie to me thinking, you know, you have to have an old idea. And, how does he know these things? And he said, you know, it is saying, you know, what a brilliant, wonderful man. And I owe him so very, very much. He said, you know, he said, I had an old idea this morning. I learned, I said, what's that? I didn't, I thought, it's over 12 years. You couldn't have any old ideas after 12 years. And he said, he said, you know, I was running on Capitol Hill and he said, limousine pulled up. And, no, what he said to me was, what would you do if you discovered that you have a fatal illness and you don't have long to live? Now, I didn't know I had a plan for fatal illness and not long to live, but I did. And, I mean, it just was right there. I thought it was very simple. I said, I'd sell my house. I said, I'd put money in the bank for the kids. And then I'd travel. I don't know where I'd go. I'd go to AA meetings or something, you know. I mean, I didn't know I had a plan for what I was going to do if I had a fatal illness, but I did. I had a plan for everything. And, and he said, you know, he said, I was running this morning and he said, this limo pulled up and he said, driver came around and another man got out and they came over and they opened the door and they helped this man out. And he said, he was so thin that his clothes just hung on him and it was Senator Humphreys. And, and he had, he was dying of cancer. And he said, the two of them, he said, one of them carried a satchel and it, the two of them helped him up the steps of the Capitol building. He said, I guess he thinks God's will for him is to be a senator regardless of what's going on in his life. And my idea was I'd do God's will if he did mine. You know, if he guaranteed me happiness and health and everything else, I'd do his will. I didn't understand the principle of surrender. I didn't understand the principle of the third step, that everything is his. All the decisions are his. And my job is to do what he puts on my plate. And it was a revolutionary old idea. And it was a very, very important time in my, my day. And, and I'll wrap this session up with this story. But, you know, Bill Wilson had one of those days. And it's, it's interesting. It's recorded in a book The Soul of Sponsorship. If you haven't read it, I would, I would really suggest you do. It's, it's a book about the exchange of letters and conversations between Father Ed Dowling and, and Bill Wilson. You know, Bill Wilson suffered from depression. And, and, you know, he was sober five years. And he, he and his wife were living over the clubhouse in New York City. Now, you can imagine a lot of the people he helped were being successful and doing well and, you know, off. Here's Bill. He's living above the clubhouse. He wanted to, they offered him a nice job in Towns Hospital. And the AA group got together and said, it's not a good idea. They voted his job away. And, and probably didn't even take up a collection for him. But, but he's there. Their clothes are in, in orange crates for a dresser. Right? He's laying in bed. And the old man who cleaned up the clubhouse downstairs said, Bill, there's a drunk here to see you. And the last thing Bill wanted to see was another drunk. And up comes the steps, comes this old guy with a walking stick because he had, had arthritis to the spine. It was Father Ed Dowling. He was a Jesuit priest from St. Louis. And his specialty, he was a journalist, but his specialty were the spiritual exercises of Ignatius Loyola who was the founder of the Jesuit Order. And he had read the big book. And he was so amazed at the big book that he got it on a train and went to New York to meet the man who wrote it. And, and, and he walked in and Bill's in bed. I just pictured this. You know, if you could be a fly on a wall, this is the one scene in all of history I'd like to have been at. Because, you know, I could see Father Ed says, did you write this book? And Bill said, yeah. And he could look at him and he said, tell me, have you done these 12 things? I wrote those 12 things. And he said, have you done them? And, and then Bill said, you know, I don't have a sponsor. And Father Ed said, I'll sponsor you. And then, Bill asked the question, which I think, in a way, helped form our concept of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you read it in the 12 and 12, it's, it's so clear. You know, I believe that Bill had the same old idea that I've had and maybe many of us have had. And that is that if I hurt, I'm failing. Somehow, the success of my actions is dependent upon how I feel. And, you know, there's something wrong with what I'm doing if I don't feel good. And Bill asked that question. And you have to remember that, that Father Ed was a Thomist philosopher. In other words, he, you know, was a great believer in Aquinas. And, and Bill asked the question, he said, Father, will it always hurt like this? Okay. Listen to this answer. Yes, Bill, don't you see that's the beauty of it? And what do we read in the 12 and 12? That pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth. You know, pain is what spurs us on. Pain isn't failure. Pain is what spurs me on to the next spiritual step. And, and, and, you know, and so, it's important for me to rewrite my definition of success, my definition of failure. You know, am I working the program better this time this year than I did this time last year? If the answer to that is yes, then how I feel really doesn't matter. The old timer was right. You know, if you don't like the way you feel, stick around, it will change. You know, the only difference between now and 30 years ago is that I can't handle the pain quite as long or as well as I could 30 years ago. I get into action immediately when I experience a little pain. But I don't experience my pain as failure. I really experience it as a touchstone of the next bit of spiritual growth. So, that's sort of the foundation and, perhaps, we could take a break and get into the steps when we get back together. Okay. Thank you.