The Tenth Step and Emotional Sobriety – 6th Annual Emotional Sobriety Workshop – Part 1 of 2 – Alice S.

recording in progress um also i want to thank everyone uh all the speakers for their time showing up and for making themselves vulnerable i mean the things that people are willing to share in a meeting hey you know i know some people just don't understand how we can just be like that with each other but it's that judgment-free zone where we all understand on some level the language of the heart um I want to thank the people for showing up, because without you, we would not be here, and this is why we do it. And most of all, for God, my God, your God, whatever you want to call him or her, it's a syllable, three letters, that's what's easy for me. Because without that, none of us would be sober, and none of this would be possible. I want to, again, mention the seventh tradition states that were fully self-supporting. As soon as I stop yapping my jaw, I'll go ahead and put the info in the chat. You can contribute through Zelle, Venmo or PayPal. I can also I'm also going to put in the website for us which will give you all that information as well it will also give you links and flyers from past conferences and links to all the conference audio recordings so it's a great takes you to everything and you can always send us an email uh marilyn and i will be womaning that we will be holding that down so please feel free to send questions if you don't see what you need or looking for if you need some um maybe a question for a speaker and want to get in touch with them please don't hesitate to reach out um and then i'm gonna finish reading this uh uh i i just have the the little grapevine um uh that's the emotional sobriety articles um but the first one in it is is the next frontier which is bill's letter from um 1958 this is also printed in um the language of the heart which is a collection of those writings in their grapevine and um you can you really google it i mean google google you'll find you'll find. Silkworth.net has a lot of great resources on there, and I get a lot of great information from there. So picking up from where we left off yesterday, you're kind of talking about dependencies. So while those words absolute dependency may look like a gimmick. They were the ones that helped to trigger my release into my present day degree of stability within quietness of mind, qualities which I am now trying to consolidate by offering love to others regardless of return to me. This seems to be the primary healing circuit, an outgoing of love of God's creation and his people by means of which we avail ourselves his love for us. It is most clear that the real current can't flow until our paralyzing dependencies are broken and broken at death. only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love really is spiritual calculus you say not a bit of it watch any aa of six months working with a new 12-step case if the case says to devil with you the 12-stepper only smiles and turns to another case he doesn't feel frustrated or rejected, if his next case responds and in turn starts to give love and attention to other alcoholics, yet gives none back to him, the sponsor is happy about it anyway. He doesn't feel rejected, instead he rejoices that his one-time prospect is sober and happy. And if his following case turns out in later times to be his best friend or romance, then the sponsor is most joyful. But he well knows that his happiness is a byproduct, the extra dividend of giving without any demand for return. The really stabilizing thing for him was having and offering love to that strange drunk on his doorstep. That was Francis at work, powerful and practical minus dependency and minus demand. In the first six months of my own sobriety I worked hard with many alcoholics not a one that responded yet this work kept me sober. It wasn't a question of those alcoholics giving me anything. My stability came out of trying to give not out of demanding anything, demanding that I receive anything. Thus, I think it can work with emotional superpropriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its conquest unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continuously surrender these hobbling demands Then we can be set free to live and love. We may then be able to 12-step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety. Of course, I haven't offered you any really new idea, only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own hexes at death. Nowadays, my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity, or depression. I have been given a quiet place and bright sunshine. I know that was long-winded, but I really think that it was needed. I hope I didn't go over not too much. Katie is going to get us going with the prayer, and then we'll pass it over to the next person. Thank you so much. thank you very much gary good morning everybody and welcome um i would like to um start this uh conference with a prayer so let's start out with a big deep breath in and now serenity prayer God grant me the serenety to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference and now I would like to turn it over to Aerie to introduce our next speaker Hi everyone thank you for being with us my name is Aerie I'm an alcoholic I'm from Gainesville, Florida, and my home group is the Women's Serenity Seekers. I'm super excited to be here and to hear our next speaker, who is all of us. I know the flyer mentions that she's from Bronx, New York. However, she just moved back to California where she got sober 37 years ago. And that just blows my mind to be in a room with people with that much sobriety. It's an amazing thing. Alice is very active and connected in the program of AA. She's even a co-host for the Grapevine, the official Grapevine podcast, which is really cool. I've taken a listen, so definitely check that out when you can. I'm super excited to hear her strength, experience, and hope on Step 10. So without further ado, Alice S. Thank you, Aerie. Good morning, family. My name is Alice, and I'm a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I do indeed help to you from lovely Oakland, California this morning. And man, it's good to be alive. You know, I just drove cross-country. If you've not done that, I strongly suggest it, right? It's my third time. Just a beautiful country. And the drive didn't go the way that I expected it, right? This is a 10-step talk. So I promise you, this is about the 10th step. And living this way has allowed me to be happy no matter what. Because I'm always growing in my understanding of my effectiveness. It doesn't need to happen the way that I think it needs to happen. Things don't need just swing my way for me to have joy and happiness. And that's the point of this deal. What a great lineup. I'm so glad that we recorded it. Like in the, um, I should say this. I hope that I'm turning myself into builder Bob. So I hope the women appreciate this too. I drove into a renovation. I did. I'm about to skim coat walls. Oh yes, I am. Then I'm a tile herringbone because why not start with the hard part, right? Why am I sharing this? Because every time that I show up in Alcoholics Anonymous, is every time I show up in my life, I showup exactly where I'm at. And so I'm going to go on and talk about the 10th step, and I'm gonna give you a series of things to think about, considerations. And my opening consideration is is your joy and happiness contingent on the things outside of you? Because if so, you're in trouble. Right? You're cheating yourself out of the joy and happiness that's available. So let's get to it I'm gonna refer to the book alcoholics anonymous because if that's what I do My sobriety date is May 21st 1987 I got sober at 26 years old so you're not distracted. I'm 63. Let me do that math for you and You know, it might sound young to get sober But I started drinking four years old and I was drinking scotch at 8 I was in bars by the time I was 13. I mean, I had a time and blast at a ball. I mean it ended as it does for us. It ends. And what the fun and the excitement and the exhilaration of drinking, right? That conviviality that A Vision for You talks about, it's replaced by is that my soul was on fire. I was miserable and there was no escaping the misery because the misery was inside I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and I showered a lot because I thought that I could wash it off you may do other things right you may buy things or date people or slip around I don't know right you may be me you may have 80 service commitments I don' know what you do but the truth is that the joy and happiness and freedom that is available to us by this practice doesn't require anything on the outside to change so let me talk about that and I don't know what my time is somebody that loves of me can like put it in the chat and tell me oh I want to contextualize my talk because you you know, it's possible that somebody logged in brand new and they don't know where we are or what we're talking about. So let me contextualize. The steps in Alcoholics Anonymous are spiritual guides to joy and happiness and freedom. And they're wildly democratic. They are equally available to all of us in the amount of joy and freedom and happiness available to you is driven by the amount of work that you are willing to do. Totally up to you. Wild and democratic. And so when I come in, I came in, I thought that you could work the steps off the wall. You know, they've got the shade hanging on the wall and I thought, you know, you'll read those. And I was looking around at the people And I'm like, there's only 12 of them. Why are you still here 20 years later? I mean, but geez. You know what I mean? Like, are you having a learning disability? What is the problem? Because I didn't understand what it tells us in the book Alcoholics Anonymous about the 10-step. That this is a way of life. This is away of living. I'm going to say this and I'm going to go back and contextualize but step 10 is step four five six seven eight nine that's what it is and they're not maintenance steps so i'm not gonna tell you what to do and even if i did you're drunk you're not gonna listen to me but if you if you are talking to people and they tell you that these are maintenance steps you might want to find yourself a new network of people no disrespect to nobody that these are not maintenance imagine if i had maintained the level of clarity sobriety happiness joy and freedom i had when i first got here like how miserable would that be right these are steps 10 11 and 12 the last three steps that are about my spiritual development, my growth, my walk in the light. And what I want to say is that when you look at 10, 10 looks pretty simple. First it says continue, right? So it's for our lifetime. But it looks like it's just about inventory and amends. In the same way that the first step looks like it's a process where it's not just about powerlessness, right, in unmanageability. But these are the summary of the steps that we're looking at when we look at the steps on the wall. The fuller truth about the steps are in the actual text. So, again, let me contextualize. The first step tells me what my problem is and what is my problem. My problem's threefold. I'm bodily different than my fellows. I drink and I get thirsty. If that's true for you, come on, put your hand up. you want that first drink but you want second drink where you want second drink I mean by the time I get to drink five I'm going to fight I will fight you I'm gonna go places I don't want to go do things I don'T WANT TO DO beat people I DON'T EVEN CARE cause I GOTTA HAVE IT second thing I have a voice in my head and she talks to me and she's a liar yeah she tells me things that are not true oh it's gonna be different this time oh it'S NOT YOUR FAULT hey write this down victims don't recover as long as your problem is somebody else whoo victims don'T recover and the voice in my head wants to blame other people and if it's them there's no solution the entire chapter more about alcoholism is about that second part of our first step problem I'm not going to belabor it third part of my first step problem is the reason I'm still here and it's my soul sickness my spiritual malady now the book doesn't define it so let me be clear this is my understanding not straight out of the text my understanding of the third part of my first step problem so you understand my 10-step talk is that I'm under the delusion that I am not perpetually, eternally connected to the source of all things. I think I'm alone. I've got to figure it out. And as a result, I begin to rely on the God of reason. Not your reason, my reason, right? And in the second step, what I learn is that I need to believe in a power that is greater than me. so the God of reason that is my reason that I've been relying on obviously has failed or I wouldn't be in a Hollywood Square and in the third step I'm told what that problem looks like what's it look like so selfish self-seeking so man so here's the trick ready low self-esteem is still self oh yeah I don't really have much of that you know I have self-righteousness oh my god my personal favorite self-righteousness it's a lot better it turns out that the fabulous amazing high order skills that I have developed judging you I use in step 10 instead of watching you I start watching me but I got ahead of myself so when I can see what the manifestation of my spiritual illness looks like its manifestation in all of these ways right self-pity fear resentment if their sicknesses there those are the symptoms of my illness then I'm willing to do the work and what is the work four five six seven eight nine in fact a three I open a deal the deal is God if you help me I'll help other people four five six seven and that's what step two is four five six seven eight nine I do the three inventories and four I look at my resentments I look it might be years and I look at my sexual misconduct and really it's about my relationships how do I miss use my god-given power then I go on and I tell somebody because God knows if I don't tell anybody in breakfast I knew something horrible by the time we get to dinner it was nothing you know it reminds me of the story and more about alcoholism where the guy Jim Jim says I had a few words with the boss but it was nothing serious for who Jim for you were the boss because if I'm mad at you and I have a few birds with you I promise it might not be serious for me but you're injured for life yeah and in this way that I minimize my own errors in the world. And I've got to do that work of telling somebody in five so that I can see the better truth about myself. And at six, I admit that it's objectionable. At seven, I surrender all of me to God. At three, I'm just like, hey, take away my difficulties and help me. You know, I'll bear witness. And then I get from there all the way to seven. And it's like, just have all of good and bad, because I learn in the process, I don't know what's good and bad. Things that I think are a defect are sometimes an asset, things that I swear are an asset are sometimes a defect. Why am I telling you this? Well, because this is the beginning of my 10-step life, right? And then I get to eight, and I make this list of people that I want. That's not the important part. The important part is spiritually I become willing to make amends to it. Because I don't want to. And then in 9, I go out and prove I've got God, I've gotta power, I'm got the source, I got the most high, I've allah, whatever you believe in. Odin, the Orishas, whatever your belief in. We're not a Christian program, don't let people fool you. This is where you get to choose your own understanding of the power in your life. Call it what you like. Just as a cautionary note, don't be mad at me. I've tried to have thoughtfulness about how I talk about my power so that new people don't think they've got to have a specific kind of power. I never quote out of another book that is a religious book because I don't want people to be mistaken about what's required to be here. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. You could be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous drunk, how about that? That's why we shouldn't get mad at the drunk people in the meeting. They don't have to be sober, they just happen to have a desire to stop. I'm sorry that was dangerous. And so I get to step 10 and step 10 in the book of Alcoholic Anonymous begins midway on page 84 and it continues until the end of 85 so it's about two pages and it opens by telling me these things that are extraordinary let me get my little notebook out i could read from the book but that will distract me we'll never finish the first thing it says is continue right and it's important to know that it's a continuation because again i'm continuing what i did in four five six seven made nothing. This isn't an out-the-gate step. This is a step where I'm continuing to do things, and here's the trick. I'm gonna learn this while I'm skimming walls today, while I'll skim coat them. Ima learn this when I'm framing something up. I'll learn this tiling. The more you do it, the better you get at it. Let me just say, 63 for me to decide I want to be a builder. Bob, I'm very proud of myself because in this life there's almost nothing I can't do if I decide and the same is true for you. The book Alcoholics Anonymous and Biospiritual Practice and in the other literature around us talks over and over and over and again about willingness, not about wantingness. I don't have to want to have to just people right because I want to do the stuff I'm about to do but I want the end result so right I don't want to answer the phone I don' t want to sponsor anybody I don´t want to speak at a meeting I don''t want too but it's not about what I want what I wanted to do is irrelevant what I want to have how I want be is the question it's my second consideration for you? Who do you want to be? How do you wanna make the other souls in the world feel? What's the impact you're gonna have? When you leave a space, when you leave an interaction with a person, do you want them to be better for the interaction with you? Do you want them to feel better because that's what matters so people don't remember what you said they remember how you make it feel right right and I've got you've got the power to do that what's that got to do with my 10 step practice well 10 is how I live out in the world. It's my walking around step. It's the step that I use out in the world, 11 is the step that I do in the morning and at night, me and God. 12 is a service step, I'm not talking about that, but 10 is the steps out in the world we need. And again, it's 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and the first thing it tells me when I open synonymous to page 84, that first paragraph is that I continue. You know, the part I love is it says, the way it opens is this thought brings us to step 10. What thought? Well, the thought from the promises that we call the promises, that are the nine-step promises. I don't have fear of economic insecurity. It doesn't say I'm not going to have economic insecurity, it says I'm going to be afraid. I'm not going to be afraid of people, right? These profound promises in the ninth step, if we do the work. The other thing, if, my favorite word in the book, right? If. The ninth step promises, the thought that brings us to the tenth step, begins with if and ends with if. If we are painstaking. And it ends with if. Right? If we do the work, we get the benefits. If we don't do the works, I mean, who knows what's going to happen. And I come to this step, committing myself to a life of continuing. Continuing to what? To grow in my understanding and my thinking. And that sounds so airy-fairy, but what does it mean? What does it look like with skin on it, right? I wish it wasn't recording, but here we go. So I agree to drive across country with a friend, right the guy that's gonna teach me to be builder bob and uh i drive for the first day from atlanta to memphis and you know he's flown cross country he's asleep the second day we're driving from memphis to oklahoma city and it's his drive and the joke is that you know ha ha i'm gonna sleep the whole time of course i'm not gonna do that right i'm a member of alcoholics anonymous what would you like do you want a snack you know what i mean yay come on let's see the sights and two and a half hours in the dude dozes off while he's driving it's for a second but a second is too long when you move in a vehicle so I have him pull over I'm salty hot like fish grease and I drive the entire way the entire 40 hours not the trip I wanted why am I talking about this two reasons And, you know, you guys had Ralph. I love Ralph. Ralph's my favorite speaker. And Ralph says there's three kind of speakers, right? The people from their heart, from their head, and then spiritual speakers. And I'm sometimes guilty of being the head speaker, right, but I'm going to try to put skin on it and be the heart spiritual speaker, right? Why am I using that example? Because how I react when something doesn't go the way that I think it's supposed to go is about my 10-step practice. How I respond to the world around me is my 10-step practice. Second thing, my ability to bounce back to a place of seeing everybody is doing the best job that they can do in every moment, assuming everyone is doing their best. My friend Stacy, Dr. Stacy says, when it's me I want grace when it is you I want justice and my 10 step practice is about giving people the grace that I'm covered in and I promise you I'm covered in grace and so the book tells me that there are these things that I can do to have a solid 10 step practice, it gives me 5 things to do, I want to talk about the 5 instructions and again straight out of the book of Alcoholics Anonymous which is not the treasure it's simply the map to the treasure that is within you see there's a power in you and in me and the tenth step for me is about throwing away the things that keep the God in me from connecting to God even if I want to punch you in the throat, which occasionally I do want to do. And no nice voice makes that a nice thing. But again, I got distracted. So here are the five instructions. First, I'm instructed to watch. What am I watching? I'm watching myself. I'm watching how I'm reacting to the world around me. Because my job is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. And so in order to do that, I watch. You know, I've got some friends on YouTube, and they heard me say that it doesn't matter why I'm disturbed. It matters why you're disturbed. And that's a great way to talk about this thing that I'm trying to convey to you. What I'm watching for isn't what happened, what you did, what I'm watching for is my response to what happened. Why am I disturbable? You see, why I'm disturbed is what you do. You fell asleep while we were driving. You didn't keep your end of the deal. You know, right? Oh Lord, that horse I want to get up on. But I'm missing the point if I do that. But the point is to understand myself. Why am I afraid? Why am i angry? Why am ire resentful? Okay, here's my third consideration. Can you think of something, if you think I promise you can, that if person A does it, you are just loaded for bear. Oh my god, you're so mad. but if person B does it, it's okay yeah that tells me that it's not about the thing that happened it's about my response to the thing my response to the person because if person A is late I'm going to nail him to the cross but person B, girl I understand traffic was terrible, right that this looking at myself, this watching myself is critical. On page 98 in the 12 and 12, in the 11th step, it says that self-examination, prayer, meditation are all lovely things but when they're logically intertwined they create an unshapeable foundation for them. and the first of those is self-examination and that's what the watch instruction is about I'm not watching you, I'm watching me because I promise you I've been watching because I can have a good motive under a bad one I can do a good thing for a bad reason and I'm not saying don't do the good thing but I've got to always be watching second instruction turns it you know I'm gonna if you are looking at a person that if they open a paint can there's paint my hair I don't know how it happens this is ridiculous I've got zero skills it's just ridiculous I could think though I can source materials I can budget I can manage people but I can't do anything but I'm sick of that so we're going to do something different right but this is turning to God so I I wake up, you know, I'm on a different time zone than when I said yes to this. And, you Know, I've got an appointment to start with the guy's skin coat and the walls. I bought a magic trowel. Oh, I was so excited. And so I wake it up at like 1.30 and I don't go back to sleep. Right? I don' t go back To sleep. That's okay. And what I realize as I'm watching myself is that I'm worried about things that I don t have any control over. and in that space my job is to turn to God give it to God didn't put me back to sleep but I'm at peace with whatever comes I'm in joy whatever comes whatever comes because the surrender the turning to God is the thing that brings me peace it brings me into the moment I'm not in the future, I'm not in past, I am in the moment. What is my next direction? Tell someone. Why do I have to tell someone? Well I have to tell somebody because I'm telling you if I do it at breakfast by the time we get to dinner nothing will happen. And so what do I do? I call someone and I tell them hey here's what happened. I said this, I said that, I did this, I felt this way, I had these thoughts had these thoughts and if I've got good friends they'll help me see the break this down the pattern of pain that I create the pattern of pain that I create. I want to live my whole life like who did what to me. But I set the ball in motion. I put myself in a position to be wrong. Read the book. So that's my third instruction. I said there are five. My fourth instruction is to make it right. to go back and make any amends that's due. I want to talk a little bit about that. You know, I now see the world as a... Nobody will send you an un... Okay, so when do I stop talking? Somebody tell me that. So I now understand my personal understanding, my personal second step of development, and I don't believe what I believed when I got here 37 years ago, right? My understanding of the power has evolved over time. And I now believe that everything in the entire universe is in one web. It's all connected to the power. Me, the bumblebees, the ants, the little bears, everything. One power, one web one life, and that there's a God in me, and there's a God everywhere. Power, the source of everything. Everything has a creator. So I now understand that when I harm somebody, anybody who's in the web, I'm torn with the web. I've done something to injure the web and that the amends that I'm making isn't really for the other person. The amends that I'm making is to mend the tear in the web of life that I've created by harming some things. Not myself or a fetch to you, but I'm your speaker and that's my understanding. And so the amends that I am instructed to do in the fourth instruction intent is to amend the harm I've done in the world. to mend the heart. If I think, and I swear to God I grew up like this. Catch me on a bad day, I might try to live like this, right? If I do something bad and I just close my eyes and turn my head, it goes away. No, it doesn't go away! I am responsible for mending, fixing, setting right. The book says set right any new mistakes as we go along. Because guess what? We're going to make them. We're going to make them I want to talk about this and then I'm going to put skin on it. I want to talk about this last instruction and it's fascinating because it's the hidden growth factor the last instruction of the five things that I'm told to do is to resolutely turn my attention to someone that I can help thank you to resolutely turn my attention to someone that doesn't say drop everything and run out but for me resolutely is to make a resolution to make an commitment and I'm turning my attention to who is that? Is it a newcomer? Is it the neighbor that's disabled across the hall? Is it that I commit I'm going to the supermarket I'm gonna pay for the items of the person before me or after? What is it? What is it? And this is the portion of the step that I think gets me to stretch. Why do I believe that? Well, those first four instructions, really, the watching, I certainly grow through the watching. The turning to God, I certaintly grow through turning to god. The telling someone, man, that's the lovelorn of my pride. The making amends, that'll force me to grow. But I really think that it's this vital thing, this fifth thing, this being of service to someone else that awakens my soul, that connects me in a more deep and profound way, not just to other people, but to God. The book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about this a lot of different ways. It says, you know, an occasional good Samaritan is not going to cut it. Right? It's the constant thought of others. it's self-sacrifice and I think that this is important and let me just say this doesn't mean I go without for you to have that's not this not what they don't mean that they don't me now they don tmean that but if you are here under the sound of my voice and alcoholic synonyms, you, my love, are standing in all the ground. You've been pulled back from the gates of hell. You've averted disaster and misery, and it puts you in a position to shine the light on someone else. And that's what this fifth thing is. Resolutely turn my attention to someone else's. Get out of myself. Get out of myself, nothing gets me out of my self like helping you. I want to talk about the promises that precede the instructions and then I want to give a life example of this living tent living I should say that when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous I think it was important that I work the steps sequentially in order but as I grew in my understanding and effectiveness as I expanded my spiritual muscles I began to experience the steps not as a line but as a web I don't know if anybody remembers this. Do you remember hopscotch on the ground? The young people, like we were talking about, hopscots on the floor. Hopscotch in the ground, right? And while we jumped in order, there was a point at which there wasn't an order, right, it was one, two, three, four, and then you'd skip two, then you skip three, right. And at some point, what you were doing was you were making this numeric rhythm, jumping around the squares. And as I become really conscious of my place in the world, my interaction with other people, and I'm not talking anything fancy here. I'm talking about how I am in the supermarket, how I'm in traffic, how I with family, how I, oh here's the mother load. How I am at the business meeting at my home group. How am I? How am i? And it's this practice of becoming a better and better version of myself. right because in alcoholics anonymous i am reborn and i'm reborn but i get to improve that new me and i do it through this practice ted is a really important part of my practice because i'm mostly out in the world and this is the out in the world walking around step and here's what i've learned when i got to alcohol I wonder if they say this with your phone if you want to meet all your defects of character get into a relationship yeah let me say that I am perfect home alone perfect it's when I began to interact with And 10 is how am I doing in my daily life? Am I kind? Am i considerate? Am I selfish? Am me mean? Am patient? Am thoughtful? Who am I? Because I'm not who I think? I'm who I do. Who am I? So let's go to the promises. Because the promises in 9 are often talked about, but the promises in 10 are pretty amazing, right? And before I do that, let me acknowledge a couple things. Before I'm given the five instructions about how to practice the I am told some things that you could understand as promises, right? It says that I enter the world of the spirit, right let me go directly to page 84 it says we vigorously right, that's not lazy on a couch, commence this way of living as we clean up the past. We have entered, entered past tense. We have entered the world of the spirit. That's a promise. Our function, our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. Before I go on to the promises, let me just, letme take a moment and stand there. So I've entered the word of the spirit, right? Let's give an analogy. I've entered a new country I go to Spain I'm super happy to be in Spain siesta and good food I'm so happy to be here but I don't speak Spanish I don' t understand the culture I don''t understand the customs and so getting into the world of the spirit getting to Spain isn't the same as really being there and what do I have to do to be really in a place even in a spiritual place I have grow in my understanding and I have to use what I understand which allows me to grow in that so even before the promises there is a promise here and it's inviting me into a practice then it tells me don't be upset because it's not an overnight experience we're not going to get struck fabulous we have to work on it we have do work on alright let's go to these the bottom of page 84 and I love that he started paragraph with and and we cease fighting anything or anyone. Next consideration. Who are you in conflict with right now? Who are you fighting with right? Stop it. That's what cease means. Stop it! You already won. You're already standing in all the blessings. The fight's over. For by this time, right? For the new people, even alcohol. Next sentence. For by this time. By what time? Well, by the time I did one and then I did two and then I did three and then four and then five and then six and And then I did seven, and then I did eight in Jesus. Then I did nine. By this time. By this time I don't come straight and off the street into 10. By this timing. I love that. Sanity will return. I want to acknowledge that the level, my understanding of sanity, not my level of sanity. My understanding of sanity right? Because my level of insanity is like you know I don't know. It's like who knows right? But my understanding of what sanity is has changed over the years. People have heard me speak, might have heard me say that it took me two years to get a driver's license, car insurance and car registration, all of the same address and a college degree and I thought I was really had done something. It took me two years I had celebrated my second anniversary and I was like woohoo right? And so obviously my notion of sanity was different in two years and sanity for me now, so here's the next consideration what is sanity for you now? how do you define sanity now here's my definition of sanity no matter what happens I'm happy no matter what happens I believe nothing happens to me everything happens for me let me put a skin on that you know being forced to drive across the country seems like a really terrible thing you don't have different vision you know what i mean we were going to do side trips oh let's pop to sedona let's go to las casas you know i mean and we didn't do none of that and i could feel like oh something happened to me but the truth is