The Surrender That Happens in the Now – Howard P.

About This Speaker Tape

1972, the streets of San Diego. Howard P. is a candidate for federal prison, out of a job, and locked out of his house.

He describes himself as a "baby elephant," bound by limiting beliefs and a lifelong obsession with control that began when he believed he personally caused a Kansas wheat crop to fail as a child. He climbed the corporate ladder at General Dynamics using whiskey as a magic tool for intelligence, only to end up in a "bitter morass of self-pity" and the Tattletail Lounge. He recounts the grit of his surrender—not as a single moment of clarity, but as a series of collapses.

He speaks of the "sick man's prayer" and the hard work of inventorying his selfishness. For Howard, recovery is a process of shifting from a "conscious feeling of separation" to a partnership with a Higher Power, learning to "love the rain" because it is raining anyway.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Howard P. opens with gratitude and a joke about his talk being longer than the previous one.
• 4:15 The baby elephant metaphor: explaining how limiting beliefs are imposed in childhood.
• 8:30 Childhood trauma: Howard discusses his father's approach to discipline and the 'trauma' he was whipped with.
• 13:45 Career progression: how whiskey acted as a 'magic' catalyst for his engineering promotions.
• 18:20 The bottom: stealing federal equipment and the subsequent crash in San Diego.
• 22:10 First meeting: Howard identifies with the definition of an alcoholic and the 'insane obsession'.
• 27:40 Surrender: Howard describes the moment of total defeat on the streets of San Diego.
• 32:15 Step work: Howard discusses the necessity of working the steps to avoid the 'stress' of sobriety.
• 36:50 The rain: A moment of spiritual awakening where Howard learns to 'love the rain' in the Pacific Palisades.
• 41:10 Step 4: Howard details the three-column inventory and uncovering his selfishness toward his children.
• 46:30 Higher Power: Howard's perspective on the pervasive presence of a creating spirit and the laws of physics.
• 50:15 Closing: Howard describes the AA program as his 'window' to finding a Higher Power.