The Surrender of Not Knowing – Jim W.

God, I didn't know there was that many people here this morning. What do you think? I'd like to thank Jim G for taking good care of me. We didn't overeat, but we came close to it. Food was very good and the room was very nice. and y'all have been very nice. Jim B. and Don and Harry, of course. We probably, it's good we never got together. Good to be with Ted again. And Ted and I have known each other for many years and we've talked about June a lot and so nice and sweet to be here with you last night. She sponsored a girl in our group. We have a girl that was smarter than everybody else so she had to go to California to get a sponsor. It happens, you know. And she's better. Thank God for that. Group's glad too. Everybody's glad. Everybody's happy. Everybody's proud. June got in the picture. Don't know how June's going to be but Sherry's better than her. I am Jim Williams and I'm an alcoholic. It's good to be here. Good to see you here. This is a good place. You've got a good area here. Not that way it were. And I thought it was nice of you to let me come from 98 degrees to 70. Enjoyed that very much. 50 degrees in the morning. No wind. We have wind where I come from. You see the skeeters put there. we don't let them hang around we blow them out of there what's that new deal that new thing where you have to have sex all the time codependency God I wish I'd have thought of that wonder why in the hell I didn't think about that you know if I'd of thought about that I'd been making so much money I just sent one of my boys up here. Wouldn't that have been something? Can you imagine that? Gosh, gosh. Chuck Chamberlain years ago used to say, what controls you? Codependency. Why in the hell didn't I think about that? That's what it is. And what's good about it is everybody's got it. Doesn't make any difference who it is, everybody's Got It. You can make a fortune out of codependency, why in the world didn't i think of that? I've been thinking about this since I'm late and didn't think about it what if we had a quick fix like a fast food thing fix you on the way home just to drive through we could get a chain of those going here we are right we go to Hazleton tell them how we are they write it down put it in a book and we buy it because we identify with it. I told my sponsor, I said, are we that thick? He said, yeah, we're that thick. And there's another deal where you have to have parents to make you be alcoholic. If you don't have that, you haven't got it. Your parents are malfunctions. No, dysfunctional. Can you imagine an alcoholic calling someone dysfunctional? Well, we're the only ones that always function properly. Too bad about parents and stuff. They just didn't function right. God, I can't believe we felt that stuff. stuff we'll fall for anything we'll just fall for his name got clear step program watch it on toenails let's go i've got them you know just anything what is it well i'm in the place that's going to save me from everything i've ever going to give me everything i ever looked for everything i could ever hope for everything i can ever wish for everything anybody looks for people spend thousand dollars to find it I've got it now I want something else and that's the way I am we really don't need to be that sick we're sick enough anyway why should we improve on it I like self-help books they've got a bunch of oh now we're making things so damn popular it's unbelievable people are making fortunes out of us we're going we're not doing well but the people are doing good with us and go in there I was at a place where they had a bunch of little A.A. and list up with self-help stuff and this guy was talking to me he hadn't done real well for 12 years I said look at those books he said oh yeah I got a room full of them I said my God go get rid of them he said what I said that's you're trying to build up exactly the same person you're going to get rid off my folks were not going to raise me being alcoholic I don't know why but they did not want me to be an alcoholic in fact it never entered their minds for me to become an alcoholic they thought I should be a southern southern baptist you know we're the ones that pray for the Catholics well they drink you know Presbyterians, they just got tired of being Catholic Presbyteryans, they knew it was going to happen And the Methodists, they didn't like water I think I would have liked to have been a Lutheran They believe in doing everything just a little bit I was raised in a little old town out in northwest Texas In Texas you've got 254 counties and 250 of them are dry drive, which means they don't do nothing. You don't drink, you don't think about it, you don t buy it and we don t sell it and you can t get it. You have to drive to get it. Got to go to bootleggers to get it and they have a guy standing up there just like me says, if you think it, you might as well have done it. Well, hell I knew I must be thinking it. I didn t know what it was but I knew how much we think of it. Finally got to be about 13, which will happen to you if you do what I was doing one day at a time and one afternoon I got in the car with this girl and we slipped out in the country a little bit got to mess around and I got those funny feelings they said we've been I told them about it they said we've bene meaning to talk to you see I knew they had you know we've been praying for you you know it's not like AA AA said so Jim lay in the ditch last night if he lives we'll get him and this bunch they hone in on you they see that gleam in your eye and they say uh oh he's getting ready to think he thinks he does it we'll lose him So what you've got to really do is watch them, or they'll get you. And so when I told them about it, they said, You come and meet us before the funeral service. We got back there in that room, and we all got down there, and they just prayed and prayed and played and played. Now when they said now, when they sing that last stanza, you come down that aisle and you get saved. I said, What from? I haven't done nothing. They said, get up and come down there. And I walked down there and it's kind of like an A set don't give out any chips. They hug you and kiss you and tell you how great you are and you know you're not but hell, I liked that. Then they throw you in the tank and the hamster fleeks and you choke a little but you come out all right. Went to school the next day and saw that girl came right back. I said, well, we're going to have to do it again. It didn't take. they said no you just don't do it well they didn't know I didn't know how to don't anything I didn' t know I didn't how to do anything I didn't if they could just say don't do that they don't anymore I said well how do you don't that don't think about it I said I wonder why I didn''t think about that I thought well I'm cook like that then I'll just go ahead and think about the rest of the day when I get up tomorrow Why? I'll just never think about it again. Got up the next day and thought about it more than I ever thought about before in my life. I had no idea that I'm the kind of guy, when I start not to do something, I'm going to do it all the time. And when I stop not to think about It, that's all I'm gonna think about. I used to try to wake up real quick before I thought about It. Finally got out of high school. Had to go to summer school to get out of High School. I don't think I was so dumb. It's just that I was always busy. There was a guy walking by the car, and he said, I spoke to you yesterday, and you didn't even speak to me. And I said, I was having a meeting. He said there wasn't anybody in there but you. I thought, hell, how many do you need? Thirty miles away was a town that was wild and wicked. And I heard about it. They had beer joints, honky-tonks. And I told this guy one Saturday, that's before I knew you could do it during the week. I said let's go over and find out what that's all about and we drove over there and got one of those honky tonks and my God there was that deacon that I'd seen all my life with the warm girl in one hand and the cold beer in the other I said my God let's get out of here he'll tell Jesus on us and we didn't even get to do it you know if you get caught before you do it you ought to forget it that guy said well he can't tell anybody Everybody has to, well, you've got a better shot with Jesus than we do. However, he was happier than I had ever seen him. And I liked the girl he was with on Saturday night a lot better than the one he was in on Sunday morning. I used to think every time then, I said, God, when you see, I'd see him every Sunday morning, he'd look sad and I thought deacons were just sad. Now I know, hell, he's just tired. We had two beers, didn't taste good, didn' t feel good and I was glad to get out of there. Next morning went to church, first time in my life I wanted to go. I thought, I'll bet you that he's old enough, if you get old enough you won't have to go! There he was, sad like he always was. Then I had my first spiritual awakening. Maybe you can do it a little bit and just don't tell anybody. Went back next Saturday told my buddy not to tell anybody, it's a big town, had two joints with the other joint, didn''t see a deacon on you. Didn't commit adultery. it would have, but I didn't know much about it. And you know how we are. I think about it all day long and drink a beer and forget it. Or if we do, we don't know where we're dead or not. And I learned how to drink. Didn't even know I knew how to do it. You just drink one beer right after the other, get the feeling it's good, can't feel it at all. Southern Badger's not allowed to dance. Learned how to dance, fell down the dance floor, busted my nose, broke it. First, I did it five times after I learned How to Do It. Blacktop wakes Woke up the next morning and threw up just like I've been doing it for years. This guy called me and said, how do you feel? I said, God, I feel horrible. He said, oh, but you had a good time. And I said oh well. Then I knew how to have a good times. Just go out and get drunk, blackout, wake up the following morning and throw up. Then you know you had good time Did not know you drank it any other way. I thought people who didn't drink like I drank, don't drink. Now they're putting umbrellas in them. Just the only rainwater to get in there. They were already putting fruit in drinks, not mine. Too much ash is not good for you, no. I'm over at this place on Saturday afternoon about 2.30 and I'm just walking in town because I want to walk and stay as long as I can because I put off drinking as long As I can until it gets near dark. So I don't want to get drunk too quick. So I'm walking by this post office, and there's a sign out there that said, We need you. I walked in there, and they did. They said, Have you ever been to California? And I said, No. You want to go? Yeah, we're leaving in the morning. I said God, what do I have to do? Just sign right here. I'm already having trouble. I go with kids places I don't want to grow so they like me and they don't like me enough. Somebody always gets my girl. The one that's supposed to go with me, she goes with him. him and my folks are already saying things like jimmy would never want to be doing that now i'm already done it once getting ready to do it again they'd say jimny wouldn't be caught dead doing that wouldn't you be able to be caught there during that everything they knew i didn't want to do i want to do everything they new i wouldn't because they're doing that's exactly what i wanted to do and the things they knew that i wanted to do they won't do so i went back and told them i I said, I'm going to California tomorrow. And they said, how are you going to California? You don't have any money. And I said we're going, I'm in the Air Force. We're leaving in the morning. They let me go and look a little funny. They're already getting that funny look. So I go back over to this old town and we went to San Antonio. That outfit really operates one day at a time. And they're a funny bunch. They get up in the middle of the night, make the bed real quick like somebody's coming. Never did. Then they want to go eat. My God, it'll make you sick to eat that time of night, even if you haven't been drunk. Then they're scared because they always walked in groups. And whoever was running our outfit thought we ought to go take a surprise trip, which means we're not going to tell you where you're going so you can't tell anybody and nobody will know. Whoever was running the outfit thought We ought to Go to China. We're in the Air Force, so we'll go to China by boat. I think they flew the Navy over and the Marines ran the boat. There's a lot of Chinese over there. They have some hills and trees and little rice, but they mainly just make Chinese. They like it and they're good at it and they're not interested in doing anything else. They lose some, but their making so damn many that it doesn't make any difference. Well, after you're over there about three weeks, you've seen all the Chinese you'll ever need to see. So I told them I was ready to come back home. And we stayed two years. Then we came back by boat. My folks says, where are you going to school? I said, I'm not going to go to school. They wouldn't be caught dead going to high school. Hate school. Never going to college. Couldn't get out of school and went to school They said, if you don't have that piece of paper, you won't even be able to apply for a job, let alone get one. Every person coming out of that service is going to have that peace of paper. Well, I proved my folks wrong. I gutted that thing straight through three and a half years, got that pieceofpaper, made sure that I learned one single thing. I made sure of a course I was going to pass it before I took it and that it wouldn't benefit a human being whatsoever. You know what I like about you and I? We'll go to any length, even if it destroys us, just to be right. You know, a lot of people won't do that. A lot of People say, well, I could be wrong about that. Not you and us. The only time we'll ever use that statement is when we're damn sure we're right. Then we might say, man, I couldn't be wrong with that. I'm having some minor difficulties with women. If you put ten pretty girls up there, I'll get the sick one every time. I don't know where I learned how to do that. I see some guys, they just go one girl one night and one girl next week and change girls. You can't do that! You've got to make sure you've got a pretty girl, one that you can take home with, one you can be in love with for God's sake. Can't just go with any girl. It took me about two months to find that precious sick little thing. Then we'd been so much in love for about two weeks, I'd almost had to quit work. Then they just deteriorated from there on out. When I got to A, I thought this is the greatest place I have ever been in my life. This is the first time I've ever been where they had their sick women grouped. And I like both kinds. I like the ones that got sick doing it and the ones that got thick watching him do it. Seemed like everywhere I worked, they wanted me to come to work on Mondays. Monday's my flu day. I don't have the flu on Thursdays. It's Monday. And for some reason it seemed to be necessary for us to make sure that all businesses operated properly. That's hard work, that they treat you right, they're supposed to treat you, pay you right and then have to run the whole thing. Some of those places that fired me are still operating and doing it wrong which probably means that most of us are too smart to be in business. Finally lost a job, could not find a job but the way I look for jobs I'd get up every morning, I'd throw up and I'd spray. I'd go fill out one of those forms that asked you personal questions like, where have you worked the last ten years? None of their damn business. They didn't want to know where you lived. I liked to move around some. And the people where I live liked me to move round some. How are you going to remember all those zip codes and all that stuff? You can't remember that. The rest of the banks, you've got to figure out what they'd like for me to say. Well, there you don't know them very well. That's hard work. The interview lasts about five minutes, then you can get out and go get drunk and do that just one day at a time. I saved this one place because I knew they had an opening. I knew I'd qualify for it. And I knew a guy there would help me get the job and I knew he'd get it. Walked in there and there he was and this other guy was there and he said, Oh my God, you don' want this job? Yeah, I want the job. I gotta have the job! I saved it to make sure this was the place I was supposed to go. He said, You don't want this jobs? Everybody knew what I didn't want. Everybody knew how to want it. It was always the opposite. I also knew there was something about me he'd like to tell me, but he didn't know how to do it. And I also new he was going to like it better when I left. So I went out, got drunk, waked up the next morning, threw up and sprayed. And I said, you know, I've been doing this for about ten days. I think I'll take today off. Went out to the golf course, made an old leg, an old piece of toast, went around the beer joint where my last spiritual advisor worked. He said, God, you need a beer. I said, oh man, I'm a Baptist. We don't drink till noon. That's 1030. He said, drink this beer. I don't want anybody to have DTs out here on the golf course. So I drank half that beer and sprayed the golfcourse with it. I don' t mind spraying if I don''t lose my concentration. You know, if you lose your concentration, start thinking about women or something, it gets in your nose, binds. Then you got to drink the rest of the day just to kill the pain. I knew how to meditate before I got here. I don ''t meditate that deeply anymore. just me, God in the commode and you say oh God and it's stringy and you don't know where the end is so when you can't breathe you'll get it back so you don' t know whether you're going or coming I know it's even this is kind of an after breakfast talk even in the hot summertime down there you know when you meditate that deeply it's tiring and you'd always just lean over there and that bowl was always just as cool I told that guy I said I think I better go home and lie down I didn't get to use those vibrators in those beds until it vibrated until two years after I was sober because all I used was a vibrator all by myself and I left to live with me I'm supposed to call all the hospitals I'd get in the car this morning God I hate to go to that big old hospital that will have a hard time finding the parking place. By the time you find the parking space, you have to take that kit, go through the lobby, down the basement, wind around, go see that person you're agent. You know him. Hell, he's not going to buy anything anyway. See, you don't even have to park. Just drive right on by. Wait until 10.30, go up to Beard Jordan and say, had another bad day. So I went home and I got in the living room and I thought, what I need to do is commit suicide. Then those guys that didn't hire me will worry about it for the rest of their days. I was living in Houston then, and I thought they'll put the Houston Chronicle, Jimmy Williams commits suicide, and they'll never get over it. But I didn't know how to do it. Now I see it on television all the time now. Suicide, call that number. They've probably got pamphlets on softer, easier ways. Join our group. We're losing some, we're gaining all of that. I didn't like guns because they make noise I don't like noise in the morning and they splatter all over everything razor blades were popular then but I didn' t know what to do what kind of razor you use straight edge, double edge which wrist do you cut all they ever said was cut his wrist with a razor blade you got two wrists which one did he cut cut it this way, that way nobody had to call I knew you couldn't do it in the living room because you'd get blood all over the carpet. Now, I'm always thinking about this. So I went to the bathroom, got my old double-edged razor, and I realized, you know, we're pretty smart even though we haven't done it before. What if I cut the left wrist? Left side die, right side be alive. What if a back down? The thing I need is to cut both wrists and I can just bleed and die evenly. So I caught both wrists. I'm sitting there on the throne thinking about those guys that are going to worry about it for the rest of their days. And the phone rang. And I thought, what if where I'm going, I'll always wonder who that was called? That'd be enough to run you crazy. So I put a Band-Aid on my wrist right quick and answered the phone. It was the police. You know, police have been trained by ministers. They'll stop you about 2 o'clock in the morning. They'll say, come go along with me. I said, man, I can't do it. I cannot do it, I've got to get home. I was supposed to be home at 7 o' clock, but it's 3 now and I have got to go home. Then they have a personality change. They say, get out of the car! Then you say, by God, I'm not going to do it! Then they really go nuts and you have to pacify them and go along well. This guy said, where were you last night? And I said I was right here. And he said, no, you wasn't. I said, how do you know? And he says, we was there. Then I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I'd already learned don't ever talk to anybody no more about where you've been than you do. I said well what do you want me to do? And he say, well I'm going to tell you something brother. You can either come down here or we're coming out there and get you. I said why don't you just come down there? He said okay, you better pick up an attorney on the way because you're in trouble brother. And I said that'll take me in there for 30 minutes but wait for me, I'm coming. God, I love to live with me. I can live a week and a half a day. God, I've had a hell of a day been out to the golf course threw up all over the damn golf course come back had an emergency meeting committed suicide now I've got to call another meeting and it's only 11 o'clock. I had $36 which was spent on starting a new career I just put on my old clothes and stuff I said, I'll bet you the Lord is trying to tell me to leave Houston and I've been here too long So I threw all my old clothes, clean clothes, dirty clothes, a few sheets and blankets and stuff. Had one piece of furniture, an old lamp, put it on top of everything. Guess I was going to carry the light if I could find the plug. Got in that car and sent the keys to folks that owned the place and I took out, waked up the next morning and an old town by the name of Brownwood was $7. And I said, well, now my folks are getting along. You think it's amazing when you know it's time to call home. So I called them collects so they would know it was me. They said, what are you doing? My famous words, oh, just out riding around. Well, why don't you come by and have a cup of coffee? Oh, they will. I never shortchange my folks. They're not going to get their money back. So I always gave them my very finest story. In fact, I got to listen to it, and it was so horrible, hell, I cried with them. I thought, God, if I'd known it that bad, I'd have left Houston four years earlier. I knew I had to sweat that old John says, well, Jimmy's honest. Let him have a hundred. Ooh, but a hundred and seven. Man, you can almost go into business. So I knew i had to swear that night out. I knew I was going to have to say that at night and I knew I couldn't drink so I went in that bedroom never slept a bit and I'd walk, walk, walk all night long. Next morning daylight came. I started out. My aunt's already up. And I said there was one little thing I left out of my story last night. While I was having all that trouble down there in Houston I was drinking some. But I decided last night I shall never drink again as long as I live. You'll never have to worry about my being underfinanced ever again. I'll I'll never drink again. And they'd look at me still, funny. In fact, I went back up there after I got in the A. I said, do you remember that time? She said, which one? She said... Well, I remember I turned around to John and said, what do you think? And John says, he's 33. He'll never live until he's 35. So when we saw you leave, it was probably the last time we'd see you alive. So I didn't know where to go. I remembered that I had helped a guy get a job in the Rio Grande Valley. This was in Fort Worth, where we were. And I thought, I've heard about the Rio Grande Valley has palm trees and all this kind of stuff. I'll just run down there. Stopped right out of Fort Worth. Happened to stop at a Philly station and sell beer. And I said, how far is to Waco? They said, 79 miles. Said, let me have three. You know where the Rio grande valley is? It's the end. They got a little creek there. They change countries. If you haven't found your bottom, it's a good place. So I drove about ten and a half hours and there I was. and I called this guy and for some reason he didn't invite me to his house. There was an old hotel where a drunk ran it and he got me fixed up with the company trade-out deal and I got in there for nothing. And I got him there and I never took my clothes out of the car. Every morning I'd come down that old rickety elevator, go across the street, get my short sock shirt, go back up, take a shower. Did that every day for three weeks and finally that place where he worked they hired me and then two weeks later he left. But anyway they hired And the reason they hired me was because I was breathing pretty good. See, people don't go to the Rio Grande of Adelaide looking for jobs. They go down there playing. They go out there snow dodging out in the Midwest. Or they just go down here and shoot birds and have fun and go to Mexico. So they hired be. And for some reason when I could get a new job, I'd work seven days a week and just get drunk and not drunk-drunk until I got up into my place. And I figured out what my problem is. I've always been true to one woman. It doesn't work. What I need to do is have number one and a spire. And that's hard to do when you're drinking, because you'll call number one and say, pick you up about 7.30 at night if you're not doing anything. She'll say, fine. Might be four or five days before you get by there. So it's hard to really get acquainted. Now my weekends are like this. I'd work Monday through Saturday noon and I'd jump in the car and go to the golf course was have a heavy lunch like a six-pack and a cheese cracker, get drunk, black out, be home in bed by 6.30, quarter to seven, wake up 10.30 quarter to eleven, go down to my beer joint, close it, one o'clock, whoever my best friends were, we'd drive on over to Madame Morris and finish the evening and wait till daylight and sometimes we'd eat a little wave of Sunchurus and throw it up and then sometimes we missed it and sometimes we'd drink and we'd always drink beer Sunday to take off into Monday and sometimes I made it. Sometimes I missed it. Well, this particular Friday, I traded off with a guy that wound off on the weekend. So I traded it off with him and I'm over at number one's house about 11 o'clock blacking out. And evidently, sometimes we're just too honest for folks. Evidently she did not know about number two. I evidently had never mentioned it. So, I just merely mentioned that I thought I'd drop by to see number two on the way home. And that kind It kind of upset her, so I said, but I want to go to the bathroom first. And she followed me in there. You notice they're putting carpet in bathrooms? That's because you all are having meetings in there You need to have meetings out there where you've got couches and carpets and beds and soft stuff, not in bathrooms where they've got hard lavatories, commodes. That's a bad place to have a meeting. So she followed be in there, and I'm blacking out, so I don't remember what happened. I'm living in an old faded green trailer in an alley behind a motel. I had rock yards a long time before I started putting them in. I'd see those weeds come up there, and I said, you'll never make it. And then I'm laying there asleep. I've already learned how to wake up at total fright in my own bed, let alone somebody else's, some other place. And something goes, wham! God, I jumped up, looked down, still had my clothes on. I said... God, God, I bet I was going somewhere early this morning. Then I looked down at an old white shirt that had blood on it. Blood makes me sick, you know. And they kept beating on that door. You can't get out of those trailers. you only got one door and the windows like that you can't get out the back four knots on my head little blood oh i've wrecked my car please i wrecked the car i have wrecked my car four big knots that day my porridge all knots open the door and a six foot four 240 pound baptist preacher said come go along with me i said preacher i know i look like i'm ready but i'm not ready i don't know where the meeting is but i can't make it wherever it is I can't make it. I'm just not ready. I'm not ready, I just can't take it. He said, Get in the car! Stop it! I said, I've got to have a beer, I've gotta have a drink. I've go to have beer. He said there'd be no drinking before the meeting. I got in the car and we drove off. My car looked okay so I said I guess I wrecked somebody else's car. So I said Preacher, I'm gonna have to have a bit of beer. I'm out breathing. Preacher I am not breathing. Preacher You gotta stop the car. He had to stop the car, Preacher. I am NOT breathing. Do you know Baptist preachers don't give a damn whether you can breathe or not. We drove up in front of her house, so I'm assuming the meeting's going to be there. And I walked in. She did look like she might have fallen in a bush or something. I went to that bathroom and looked in that mirror and I'm going to tell you something. She won. I don't know really what happened, but what I think probably happened is I lost my acre of ribbon in that bathroom, fell in that bathtub, and she stomped me. And two weeks later, we got married. We got married in the First Baptist Church, so it worked. We got marry at 10 o'clock in the morning so there'd be no drinking before the ceremony. I told her that since she had been married before and I was pure, that it wouldn't be necessary for us to invite a lot of people, but she could invite a few of her close friends. and about 11 o'clock on Friday night I'm going to be off again on Saturday I'm blacking out again so I call my friends and when I get to the church she's already there and I start across that yard my beer distributor golfing buddy came out of that church and stopped me and said wait a minute I've got to talk to you you called me at a quarter to three this morning we're not here to see you get married we're here because we don't believe it and I'm gonna tell you something Something about all of your buddies and your friends, the longest bet on your marriage is three weeks. But I showed them. I hung it in there for eight years. But my life changed. I had no idea how nice it was to get up, throw up in peace. Every morning, I was always going to quit smoking because maybe he'd gagged me in the morning. So I'd grab those cigarettes, grab that coffee, and go in that bathroom, lock that door. She'd tell me what I was through that door, then I'd have to get upset go make the living get drunk come on tell her what she was and we did that one day at a time finally I went back to that preacher and I said preacher this thing is not working he said you know what's wrong with you you're missing the beauty of life I said yeah he said did you know the fruit trees are in bloom I said no what you need to do is go home and get your wife and drive up the valley and smell the aroma look at the blossoms I said, yeah. Went home and said, get the car. He said, what for? I said we're going to go look at the blossoms. He said the blossoms and I said yeah we'll miss the whole damn thing. So he said get the card and I'll go by and get a six pack we start up the valley and I see a sign it says 14 miles to Matamoros turn left go to Matomoros switch to Tequila black out missed the whole damn thing. Lost that job, could not find a job, couldn't find a job anywhere, went for two months completely insane and if there ever was another guy that drank like I drank it's this guy. He was just as close to being a good drunk like I was we were ideal drunks together and he managed a drug company. So he hired me. Took him about six weeks to ship me to Fort Stockton, Texas. That's west-west Texas. Little trees out there about that high. You can see California on a clear day. He shipped me out there, he said, to learn the drug business. He sent me out because nobody else would go. I'm supposed to stand in drugstore, hold this pad, got lines on it and these pharmacists call this stuff out and I'm supposed to write it down. And you can't do it moving. You cannot do it moving. And that pharmacy kept saying, oh my, I couldn't get it. He said, my gosh, you look like you're going to fly apart. I said, any minute. He says, well, take some of these. And this was really nothing. This was before Valium. Valium, understand, both Both eyes crossed, you walked straight. This is just Libium, which is absolutely nothing. It's just a little two-tone green and black, two-toned green. That's all it is. Really nothing good. Hell, I took two of them, nothing happened. I waited 15 or 20 seconds, and I'm used to something moving or burning or doing something that didn't do nothing. So I took three more. Then my knees just went, huh? I said, God, I know how to weave. Now I've got to learn new stance. everybody's ruined the drug business since then I got them for nothing you know I got all I wanted he used to tickle me out there he'd say you know Jim I'm a little short of 10 milligrams 25 would be okay it'd be fine see they don't know we don't go by milligram we just go by size so I took them every day time and drank beer at night had one decision to make every night after the third beer never before never later Later, if I'm going to go home early, I'll go get me a pint of bourbon. That's that third beer. And then I go home. Otherwise, I stay on beer and clothes to George. I go to home, go home one way and one way only. The only way to go back home is blackout. My perfect time was when I blacked out right at the door. Sometimes I was a little early. Sometimes I got a little late. But I always drank to that blackout Good blackout driver. Never had a wreck blacked up. Bad drunk driver. It's only according to what stage I'm in is how fast I go and what I do. If I'm at the right stage, then I can run all the lights. I could even hit stuff that's not even moving. But some guy recommended me for a job back in Houston, hadn't seen me for years. And I went back to Houston in that job, and I set up Battle. You know what's the name? We finally had developed such a nice, sweet, deep hate for one another that we really were safe because the one that died first won. But we slept in two different areas because it was safer. And I lasted from March 1, 1965 until the day before Christmas Eve in 1965. I played golf with some of these in-laws and customers and their in-law and, oh, what's-her-name and I set up battle. and I blacked out at their house and I remember just doing some little something. Don't know what it was, but I remember I did something and I don't know where it was. And I did the same thing I've done any time I've been in anybody's house. I'd call somebody and tell them I sure am sorry about last night. And they would just say, It was okay Jim, you just got drunk. See, I wasn't sorry about that. I wasn' t sorry about it last night I wanted them to tell me what I did but they never tell you. Drunk was getting to be a bad word with me. Nobody called me an alcoholic. Drunk, I knew one drunk, and he was the old guy named Bratch that slept in the alley and drank that wine in that little old town where I was raised. And they called him the town drunk. And I'll never, never forget that. And drunk got to be the bad word for me. Guys would say, Jim, I can't have you at the house anymore. We like you, but we can't hand you over because you're drunk. Drunk was getting to be a bad word. And that morning I did the same thing, and they told me the same thing. You know, what's her name? I go out next door, they're getting ready to have a Christmas Eve party. This was on Christmas Eve. And I called in a group. I don't know where I heard it in a group. Must have heard it on radio. I like to see you've got an intergroup. Because I must have heard on radio, and the only thing I I did. Evidently, I heard about Alcoholics Anonymous. So I looked under AlcoholicsAnonymous and called in a group. And the girl, she was glad I called. I should have known then I had the wrong number. She said, somebody be right out. Well, hell, I waited an hour. Nobody showed up. Looked in the icebox and it was 10-15. They had three beers. And I said, I'll just call them and tell them I don't need them. About that time the phone rang. And the guy said, be right there before I can tell them I didn't need him. Hell, he hung up. He came by himself because his wife was managing these apartments when we moved in and he used to watch me going back and forth from 7-11 and saying, if he lives, we'll get him. So he came by himself and I looked out the window and she's gone next door and he's got a book under his arm and I said, oh my God, we're going to read that book and pray. I've not only been baptized, I've been rededicated ten times. I thought, let's get rid of it. He came in, we didn't read the book, we didn'y pray, I don't know what all he said or what I said or anybody said about the time of what the name came back and he said, do you want to go with me? Well, I didn't, but it's better to stay with her. So I got in the car with him and I knew I'd made a mistake. God, I've gone off with a perfect stranger. I don't know who this guy is. And besides that, even though his car is better, I should have taken my car. I get on the loop and I said, I'll buy a beer. I don' t want a beer God, now I knew it. I knew It. I knew IT. I waited about 10 seconds and I'm going to tell you something. You're either going to let me off top of the freeway and I want to walk over there at that 7-Eleven or you take me over there I've got to have a beer and I've gotta have one right now said I got bad drunk last night besides that it's 11.20 he said can you wait till we get to the club oh yeah I can do that I can handle a cold fight if I got a little light so we drove drove kind of a bad neighborhood drove up from this rickety looking house I said my god is this it he said yeah I thought well when I get some money I'll help these folks Walked in there, and some of the deacons were sitting over there talking about women in the stock market. And I found out later they didn't know anything about either one. Went back there in the back, and the old bar had a hose in the linoleum. I bet it was an old linolem when they put it on the bar. And the bartender, he didn't look a hell of a lot better than I did. Program for Jackson, you know. And this little deacon said, mix him up with a little milk and honey. I said, my God, what do you put in it? I never drank anything like that in my life. He said, well, you see, you're nervous. I said, hell, that's what I've been trying to tell you. And he said, and besides all that, you're used to sugar in your system from alcohol and the honey has already been digested. I said indigestion is not my problem. If you throw up right, you don't have indigestion. I drank half of it, it curdled, came back up. He said don't worry about it, we have plenty. I thought, hell, I'm going to put on a show for these folks. One of the smart ones says, walk all you want to. Hell, I don't want to walk at all. I'm sitting there drinking that sweet, sweet stuff walking back and forth and just looking in there, got a new animal in here today. Just laughing and talking and watching the animal walk up and down the floor. Finally about 4.30 he says, I think it's time we went home. And I said, yeah. And I say, now let me out a couple of blocks before we get to the apartment. but I wanted to slip in there and get in my car and go get some bourbon because you know beer would not cut that sweet taste he said don't drink anything I'm going to pick you up in an hour and a half I said what for we're going to a meeting I said where right back where we came from I said my God we was there all day so he let me out and I walked and then here he comes and back over there kind of a funny looking bunch I saw two or three of them kind of laughing and hugging. The rest of them, they didn't act like they were too glad to be there either. They started out with a little prayer. Then some girl got up and talked two or three hours. They said it's 30 minutes, but I know it's longer than that. And they would just laugh. Wasn't a damn thing funny. And then some guy got up and talked to her for three hours and they'd just laugh at that. I'm going to tell you something, this is a sick bunch of people. Then they all got up and said the Lord's Prayer for God's sakes. I thought, isn't that something? A bunch of people here saying the Lord's Prayer. They ain't got no business saying the God's Prayer and then about that time, just as soon as they got through that Lord's prayer, everybody started talking at the same time and the old guy started listening and I said, I wonder how he did that? I'm going to keep my eyes open tomorrow night and see what he did. They didn't lay any hands. They didn'y lay any hand on anybody. They didn''t do any kneeling or nothing or singing any song. Me and the deacon were standing back there in the back. Nobody's speaking to us and then I see the deal. Men and women getting together, laughing, holding hands, jumping in cars, taking off. I said, uh-oh. After you're here a little while, go to one of those apartments and have a little drink. Talk about this damn thing. We went night after night after tonight after night, and nobody invited us anywhere. I've got the only deacon that nobody likes. It doesn't rain in Houston, it just falls out. One night he called. I said, man, he said, I'll pick you up in 30 minutes. I said it was raining. You ever go get a drink when it's raining? I'll be ready. One weekend, oh, what's her name, number one, had gone back to the valley. She didn't have any friends left. So I just locked the door, pulled down all the shades, turned out all the lights, had nothing on but a TV set, an old phone, just ring, ring, rain, rain. Let her ring. Next morning he called and said, where were you last night? And I said, I was right here watching television and enjoyed every damn minute of it and I may do it again tonight. He said, well, you missed it. I said what did I miss? He said I don't know. I said wasn't you there? He said yeah but I only heard what I was supposed to hear. We'll never know what it was you're supposed to here. I thought my God, you've got to go every night or you'll miss it. I went three months got drunk three months got drunk three months got drunk and I sobered up all by myself and then I decided I'm just really not alcoholic the only thing that's really wrong with me is I've just always been under financed and if I can get properly financed then I can tell them all to take it and shove it and I heard they've got heavy drinkers I was probably was just a heavy drinker. Well, I knew first things first. I need to go back and officially resign. So I went back, and the meeting had already started. Evidently, I'd called him one morning about 2.30 while drinking. I doubt it very seriously. I think they'll tell you any damn thing they want to tell you. So the meeting has already started, and as soon as the meeting was over, I was started. Here he comes, and I start talking so I can resign and tell him thank you very much. He couldn't even wait for me to tell him. He said, don't Don't you ever call me again. I said, God, I'm glad you said that. I never called you in the first place. And I'm going to tell you something your best friends will not tell you. Nobody likes you here. We don't ever get invited anywhere and they don't know me so it's got to be you. And I want to tellyou another thing. If I had as bad a personality as you do, I'd go back to drinking. and you don't ever have to you look at me because it's the last time you're going to see me brother and I want to tell you something if you think I'm going to call you again you badly mistaken I wouldn't call you if you was the last human being on earth you have heard from me from your last time and I turned and left and he did till next morning then I called him he said meet me at the club and I walked in the club and he said get your coffee and sit down they talk to you like a dog here you know so I'm going to tell you something about alcoholic stonemus Al-Anon, Al-Teen Al-Cotton, Aldol absolutely no failure here never has never will impossible to and cannot there's no failure here no way for it to fail not going to be any failure never has been never will be provided you do exactly what we tell you to do the way that we tell you to do it he said now Now, there's only one thing that you're going to get to do. And this one thing, if you don't give an alcoholic a decision to make, they'll flounder on the same subject for years. So we're goingto give you a decision today. Now remember, this is the only thing thatyou're goingtoget to do, but you're the only ones who are going toget to do it. You're going tot decide whether you're gongto go our way of life or your way oflife. I said, I don't want to do either one. He said, I didn't ask you what you wanted to do. I asked you what You were going to do? I said, Do you mean to tell me You don't care and the group doesn't care whether I want to or not? He said not a bit. I said well, if You'll make it perfectly clear for the group that I don't want to do it, then I'll let it. He said well first of all we've got to get some things straight. It's your thinking that's wrong. I said how much of my thinking is wrong? We always start with all of it. and if there's any good we'll let you know I said you put a sign up there on the wall it says think think think and he said that's for us he said now we're going to give you some things to do and some things not to do and some of the things we're gonna give you not to be able to change we're just gonna give you to do just add two then it's gonna happen over here I said what's gonna happen over there we don't know but it always happens I said I'm gonna tell you you something. I've been listening to you and listening to you. You've never listened to me. I have been listening to you. I listened to every word you got to tell me and I want you to hear me. I do not understand. He said, and that's it. And don't you ever forget it. But there's two things that you must remember the rest of your days, no matter what's going on in your life, you did not understand, then you'll have understanding. isn't he? And when you quit trying to understand, then you'll enjoy it. And the other thing is, no matter what your situation is, it's never the situation. It's never them. It' s never God. It''s never her. It ''s you that must become different. You must become different than you have ever been before. I said, how do I do that? He said, oh, you You can't. What the hell are you telling me for then? He said, that's what's going to happen to you. He said now I'm going to give you the kicker. This is the very one thing that got you here. But it's also the very one thing, should it not change, will be the very one thing that's going to keep you from getting all the things that God has for his children. As long as you know you know you'll never know. But when you begin and do what we tell you not to do and to do and begin to know that you don't know, then you'll begin to know. I said, hell, you're crazy. He said, I know. So the first thing we're going to do is since you don' t know how to not do anything, the first things we're gong to learn how to not do it is drink or take a pill. He said now, what you're going to do, that card that I gave you has my my number, and four other men, no women, on mine. When you get squirrely, definitely before you take a drink or a pill, no matter what time of day or night it is, you call one of those numbers. If you don't make the phone call, you didn't do it. That's what you're going to have to do to learn how to not do from now on and make the foam call. Remember, if you don' t make the foe'n call, you didn' t do it, that' s what we' re going to do every day. First thing in the morning, get down on your knees and say these words and these words only. God, take me today and do with me as you see fit. Let thy will only be done in my life and help me to definitely not take a drink of anything alcoholic or a mind-changing drug. Amen. Do not need to tell God what he has not done nor what he needs to do. God can handle that all by himself. And then call me before you go to the bathroom. I said, why before I go to the bathroom? You may not need to go. I said do you mean to tell me that you don't think I've got sense enough to know when I need to go to bathroom? He said we'll find out. They don't give you a lot of credit here you know. Before I got down on my knees I said God you and I know he don't know. Hell he's a Presbyterian. but we're going to say and do everything just exactly like he says so when we get enough this time we can tell him to take it and shut it got down on my knees said that little old prayer made sure I need to go to the bathroom picked up the phone called me he didn't even ask where I needed to go no he said go to the back room meet me at the club I made it to the club and he said now go to work I said I hate my job he said what's that got to do with it I said well I hated it so much I couldn't go to work yesterday he said what did you do sit in that chair and think and I said well it's a noon then went to the A club with. He said, you don't know how to go to work. I said, how? He said go get in the car. Write that down, we'll catch up. Then he said later on when we learn more, we will do more but right now besides that little prayer you say all morning and when you get in a car and get ready to go work, just invite God in the day. I asked him, how do you do that? He says, God I invite you in the night. Oh, put that on the card and we got it. Then you've got to come back to AA Club, walk in, everybody's there out loud they'll say get your coffee and sit down hell I know to get my coffee and sit out but they got to tell you they got tell you out loud the idiot doesn't have sense enough to know to get his coffee and sit up then when you're almost cutting and you haven't figured out anything they're saying and he said out loud it's time for you to go home and eat supper and come back to the meeting hell I don't know to go on and eat suffer and come back to the meeting then I come back and ask the meeting he says now go home and get on your knees and thank God today I did not I thank God they've been miserable the damn day. Hate you, hate God, hate, hate. And I'm not going to be a hypocrite. He said to me, you mean tell me that when you pray to God you think you don't meet it? And I said, that's right and I'm NOT going to do it. He said, That has absolutely nothing to do with it. It's the action that you're taking that you don' t know you're takin' that's going to cause all things to happen that you had no idea was going to happen. And once you take this action that yo u don't know you' re takin', and it's going to cause all these things to happen that you had no idea was going to happen. By the time all that happens, what you think needs to happen will never need to happen." Well, hell, I understood that for God's sake. I said, do you mean to tell me that God does not care when I pray to Him? Whether I mean it or not, he said, none of it. God is not going to depend on you at all for your relationship with Him. He's going to take care of that all by himself. And I said, do you mean to tell me that you don't care when I pray to God and God doesn't care and the group doesn't share? He said, not at all. I just got in my car, went home, locked the door so what's-her-name couldn't get in there. Got down on my knees. Okay, by God, God thank you for a miserable damn day. Amen. Hell, if he don't carry and they don't carrying, God don't carried. Hell, I don't cared. did that for about two months one morning about 9.30 I didn't do anything any different that morning and at the end of the day I'm driving down an old 610 loop right above Memorial Drive in Houston and this God that I had never known as my friend moved into that car with me and for the first time in my life I knew I knew something different than I'd ever known it before I knew I knew I would never need to drink another drink of anything alcoholic or a mind changing drug as long as I lived unless I myself insisted upon it and I knew I knew it. God, he stayed with me all that day. I thought, man, the rest of my life is going to be just like this. I thought that afternoon, I said, you know what? I may get me a tent, some tambourines. Oh, the oil better luck out. Jimmy is coming. I'm going to go save some souls. I might even let him go by and put up the tent. God I couldn't wait to get back to that club he's dimming his light walk through that door get your coffee in the center the Baptist is taking over well they don't like it too well coming back at him but he did it and I got him back in that other place and I've got him there and I set him down there where I could look at him and I told him the deal and then I waited for him to make me the leader I knew I was it God had chosen me he grinned just a little and said, thank God we've got that over with. Now we can get started. I said, my God, that took a year. He said, some are sicker than others. I said what are you going to do about old Horton ain't? He said my marriage, we're just going to leave it like it is. I want to send you to a guy who's got his all worked up. Send me to an Episcopalian, you know they don't know. this guy said are you still married and I said not really I just stay there and she stays there but we don't stay together no sex nothing involved there's a new gal that I know the Lord has sent for me and she's there she's been sober almost a month and they won't let me go with her he said do you remember when you got into Alcoholics Anonymous you didn't fit in AA you didn' t fit back out there and you were kind of lonesome and thought you were the only one going through that lonesOME period? And I said, yeah. He said, if you're willing to go through that LonesOME Period in every area of your life, I'll not only guarantee a relationship with a woman, I'll guarantee a relation with men and women you could never believe. And I'll give you a bonus on top of that. I'll guarentee you a relationship with Almighty God that you could NEVER drink of. I said I don't believe that. He said, isn't that wonderful? You don't have to. I said, what do you mean? It's the action. I said I've already heard that. He said you're still married to what's-her-name? I said yeah legally but not really so I've been praying for somebody to sleep with and nobody will. He said okay we'll practice on her since you don't know you've got to become different to live with anybody and live with other people so we'll just start and practice with her. You're never going to tell her what's wrong with her ever again. I said, who's going to tell her? He said, I don't know, but you're not. And you're never going to do anything to get Al-Anon friends, children, or anything to work her around to get her to do what you want her to be. I said never? She said never. And you going to pray for her? And I said no, I'm not. You pray for it. He said now I want you to learn this prayer because you're going to say it for the rest of your days about all different relationships. Say this prayer and learn it. And you may have said a hundred times today in the beginning, God, thy will be done for her as well as for me. Take our relationship, let it become what you want it to be, and show me the truth. I said, I do not want God's will to be done por her as wel as for m. He said, remember, what you won't has nothing to do with it. So I started that prayer and said it all day long every day. Then about two or three months later, that old sex love-lust thing surfaced and I didn't even know I had it, and now I knew what it was and I had It. Could not get rid of it. told the sponsor over and over and over again every day, every day and God would not remove it. So I told the group. One of the girls said you're not supposed to tell that in the group so I went over and told another group and one of them snitched on me You know we don't gossip here, we're just concerned So he said listen usually when you stop acting on any defective character God will transform your mind just like he did the alcohol and the drugs. And he'll transform your heart. He'll change your mind and remove it. That's not happening to you. Evidently, this is different. Once your name has gone back to the valley, you go over there and lock yourself in that apartment and you and God some way deal with this thing. I went out there and prayed and prayed and cried and cussed all day long and about 11 or 12 o'clock at night I went to sleep. The next morning that thing was gone. I thought, God! They were so smart, I didn't even tell them. Finally, after the fourth meeting, we were over eating ice cream. And I said, well, I guess I might as well tell you all this. Oh, we knew it the first night. I said why didn't you tell me? He said you need to know that you're going to always be the last to know. I said what is that? He said we don't know. And I told him, I said why isn't she going to Al-Anon? He says any Al-Ans here I want you to know I love you, love you. I really do love you if you ever need anything call me. they took her to you and she found you depressing and the more they took her the more she found you depressing so whatever you're doing keep doing it so I end up getting a divorce when I had nothing and she had nothing we had nothing if you want to get sick make something out of nothing and then I marry me a civilian religious southern Southern, southern real, southern, southern magists, and finally speaking in tongues and stuff. And, of course, I hadn't spoken in tongues since I couldn't reckon. And we were both in screaming marriages, so it looked like it was going to be fine. And then, of Course, we just grew apart. Where else? It always says we grew together. We grew apart, and now I'm married to somebody where it won't work, and it's beautiful. Finally married one that I would never be seen with. It wouldn't be anybody that you'd ever picture me being with. I told them I wasn't going to do it again because I was too young. She was never going to marry again because of her bad marriage, and so we were safe running around together, which, you know, the way I think, that's the way it works. And my aunt told me, my baddest aunt said, most every woman is younger than you are now. I wouldn't worry about it. Which I thought wasn't too nice, but it was right. She's a Catholic. I'm a Baptist. She's Yankee. And I'm definitely not Yankee In fact, I always was concerned when I got north of the Red River in Oklahoma. And she's Al-Anon. And that's probably the thing at Eftis. So at least I've got one Catholic that's not Catholic anymore. Catholics do not like their people married Baptists. They do not. and that's too bad God wouldn't you hate to and I've got the marriage today that has all the freedom and goodness I ain't going to go back home I never did do that before and we really have had a great last six years and looking forward to more God wouldn'T you hate to miss it what if we'd have missed it what if we'd of missed it God you know what we've got today I guess it's good we don't know it I guess it's good we don't know what we have. I guess if we did, we'd screw it up. We've got something that people spend millions of dollars, thousands of dollars to get. Can't get it. We just can't get It. And we've got It. We got It and wasn't even looking for It. Isn't that amazing? We fell into It. Do you know what you're doing out there all the time? Exactly what you were supposed to do. Isn't That Amazing? Beat yourself to death doing what you're supposed to do. No, no, really? It's exactly what you are supposed to be doing. Go out there and get drunk, have car wrecks, have fights, and all that kind of stuff. Get in jail, raise hell, talk to lawyers and judges. Oh, get some of the judges in here. But isn't that amazing that we've got... We're it. We're in the deal. I don't know about other people. They don't tell me. They don' t talk to me. but I know about you and I I know what happened to us without a shadow of a doubt we've had to be if anybody ever knew there were God's chosen people it's you and me maybe he chose them all I don't know I don' t know anything about other people but I do know I know things about you and I he chose us when? I don''t know whether before we were born or afterwards I don ''t know all I know is you and i did everything we were supposed to do We did everything to prove ourselves insufficient. And to know God, you cannot be sufficient. And you and I gave it everything we had. You and I did everything we could do to destroy ourselves and couldn't do it. Anybody that would go with us, we were willing to destroy them too. Which they can be grateful for if they stayed because they didn't get in our line. Otherwise, if they quit too quick, that won't make it. Isn't that amazing where God put us? And if the thing that he's got us in, we can't brag about it or nothing because you didn't know where he was going. How are you going to brag about saying I went out there to get properly prepared so God could take me and do with me what he wanted to do? Did you know that's what she's doing? No. You thought she was out there having children, trying to have life, become something. and wasn't going to do anything. I remember the Baptist used to say, you know, I'm only, I'm nothing but filthy rags. See, you and I did that. We experienced being a filthy rag and experiencing it today. Oh, so I can prove it to us. Hell, if I'd known he was having that trouble we could have taken my car. You know, they wouldn't have thought anything about it when Swaggart did his deal. God, he helped me. God. He used to make fun of us, you know. He helped me, God, He helped Me. Because my second wife got into all that stuff. And God, He helped ME. See, priests repent, but He didn't do it. He's sitting there with that old sex deal I had. He didn' t even get to do it for God's sakes. Riding around with a girl reading magazines. Isn't that pitiful? They didn't talk to us. We could have let him leave that one weekend. God, shame. But see, he proved it to us He proved everything for us. He did it. Here's a guy that had all the anointing of the Holy Spirit. He had all interpretations that God gave him from the Bible. God used him to lay the hands on the people. Used him to shoot those demons out there, however they do that. I don't know. But he did. And he got all those people in there, used them to that charisma that he's got to bring them all in. Did him. He had it all. What'd he do? That one thing that we've got. And we've Got It. He admitted to God himself. And you and I see what we've GOT. He didn't do it. And we'VE GOT IT. God gave it to us. And what is that? We admitted to GOD, ourself, and what? Not the human being. And that's it. That's the one thing. Bye. Isn't that wonderful? That you and I are in the place that Almighty God designed. Remember that old stuff he used to say, he said, I'll prepare a place for you? He did. Were you all here? Yep. When? When I got ready. Did you know he was ready? No. I just found out I was ready after I was readied. you know he was getting to where you were no do you know you need to go where you were no get there yeah did when I don't know just whenever it was well then I was the right time and see we're right on time we're not late we're not early we're right on the button everything that's happened to you and I up through this moment was absolutely necessary because what because God said it was. Not because I said it was or you said it was or anybody said it was see that's the reason professionals can't do anything with us. See we're going to the top dog God himself for my life. I go to no other human being for my life. Because see with God I can become what he wants me to be not knowing what what that is, nor how it's to be done, nor when or the way it's to be done, nor what my path is going to be. But you see, you and I have a path to go down. Nobody goes down there but you and me. I'm going to go down that path. I'm going to get some black on the way. But if I won't get off of that path, then God's going to transform me into exactly His image as He says and He's going to use He's using me to do whatever it is that he wants done. And the majority of the time, I'm not going to know what that is. See, you and I have the edge today. You and I are on the edge wherever we go. Because we're going to get some flack. And we're gonna get the stuff that the world does. Because the worldly way is not our way. But what did God say? God said his people do not fit in the world. So you and I did exactly what we were supposed to do. We tried to fit, but couldn't because God's people don't fit here. He said, I'll create a kingdom just for my people. And he did. And we're here and we're in it. And once I'm in that kingdom, then I get to live in the only power that overcomes everything, every situation and everything. And I live in that power today just like you. and that power never, never fails us. When you and I call one another, when you and I meet together, when you and I invite this God into our life that day, that power and that God walks with us every day, every moment of every day. Just like it has been here this weekend. What a beautiful weekend we've had here today. Being able to be with you and me be with you and see that power never fails thank God I stay with you long enough to feel that God loving me that day but the difference was you my life was never to be any different until God sent me to be with you and you to be with me and it didn't fail us here just like it is right now when I can feel you You loving me and me loving you. Thank you very much.