The Sponsor Who Taught Her Higher Power Dependence – Judy C.

hi everybody my name is Judy and I'm an alcoholic I'm gonna make a real big confession I'm very nervous right now it's just the first time I've ever done anything like this so please bear with me so it said on the flyer effectiveness next to my name and I guess that that would be a good topic for me, seeing that I have one of those stories of what it was like, what happened, what it wasn't like, and so on. What it was, what it happened, what is life, and what happened. I was, I'm actually from the Midwest. I was born in Chicago and raised in Michigan just outside Detroit. Growing up, I was always one of those kids that everybody picked on. You know, it was And they used to play tag by touching me and then running to the next person and saying, ooh, you've got Judy's cooties. And that's how they would start their games of tag. So needless to say, I never really felt a part of. My mom was rather – well, after doing my fourth step, I see how actually sick my mom really was when I was growing up. She has some bad mental illness going on. And with that, she never took very good care of my brother or I. Actually, there were eight kids, but the other six lived with their father, and my oldest sister was raised by our grandmother. But so anyway, when I would go to school, I would go in dirty clothes or not bathed, so that made people really make a lot of fun of me. And when I was 10, it was the first time that I actually picked up alcohol. I had, you know, when we had been places, I had picked it up and just tasted it, but I had never intentionally picked it Up to take a drink. And when i was 10 I was at a friend's house and we found a fifth of vodka in her grandmother's basement And we decided that we were going to try it, you know. And so my friend took a drink and she was like, ugh. And I took a drank and it was like ah. This warmth and this calmness came over me. Thank you. And that I hadn't experienced before. i drank all of that fifth except for about an inch out of the bottom of it when i when i was 10 but it instantly did for me what i couldn't do you know it like gave me this courage this um this i don't know i want to say faith in myself you know that i could go out and speak to other people or i could do things because i found myself running around the neighborhood and playing with kids you know and then i'd say oh and i'd run back down to the basement take another drink out of the bottle and then run back out. By the end of the day, this girl's grandfather found me in his backyard rolling around in circles. Of course I was in a blackout. I'm surprised that I didn't die from that because that's an awful lot of alcohol for a 10-year-old to consume. And he took me home and he told my dad, I don't know what happened. I found her in the backyard like this we were getting ready to leave and I found her out there so they put me to bed and I threw up all night and the next day was my brother's birthday my younger brother's birth day so it was the big joke around the house that they didn't know because it was the 5th of July so they didnít know if I was celebrating the 4th of july or celebrating my brotherís birthday and thatís the way that they looked at this which was kind of sick if you really think about it. But the next day was a surprise birthday party for my brother, and so my mom had a house full of six-year-olds running around, and she figured that that would be punishment enough for me, so I didn't even get in trouble for that little stunt that I pulled. After that, I didn't really drink again until I was 13. I dabbled in drugs and I apologize if I offend anybody with that but it's a part of my story. And I did a lot of smoking and doing hallucinogens. But then when I was 14, a friend of mine was having our sweet 16 party and i drank again and again i drank into a blackout um so i once again i said oh i can't drink so i didn't drink again for a couple of years um and the reason that i used to say is because i didnít like the way that i felt the next day you know cause i would get sick because i would drink so much that cause once i took that first drink i just could not stop that compulsion would just set in, that there was no stopping until either it was all gone or somebody kicked me out or, you know, that was just how it was. So I continued with my drug use, something to take me out of myself, you now, because I never felt comfortable being me. I was one of those people that, like all my friends had boyfriends, you kno, except for Judy. Jeannie never had a boyfriend. And then I finally found this guy when I was a freshman in high school, and I just thought it was the be-all, end-all kind of thing. Well, the extent that I went to to get the attention of this man shows my alcoholism because he was my first boyfriend, but he also used to physically abuse me. And I stayed on with that because I was getting attention, you know. It was some sort of attention. Even though it was not good attention, I was at least getting it. My parents put me, after so many of the beatings, my parents finally put me in a juvenile detention center. But it was for my own protection. And I remember even saying to the lady as they were interviewing me to put me in, because they had taken me to court, my parents, and declared me incorrigible. They couldn't control me because I would go to this person's house and they would say be home at such and such a time, and I'd come home three days later. They declared me incorrigible, andI was put into this children's home. And I remembered the lady when she was interviewing me on intake. She said, are you angry with your parents for having this done? And I looked at her and I said, no. This isn't their fault. This is my fault. So I still had a little bit of clarity going on. But that didn't matter. So I was in there for a year. And then I came home. And in the meantime, my mom had found a gambling addiction. She would leave every night and was never home. It was mostly my dad. My dad was kind of my savior, I guess you could say. Although looking back on it, I think maybe I may have put him a little bit higher on a pedestal than he should have been because he's human, you know? He's still my dad though. so my mom started this new thing where she was gone every night and my dad would just kind of work and come home and go to bed you know the way that I like to describe my childhood with in regards to my parents is that my mom didn't leave because she didn't have any place for herself to go and my dead didn't live because he didn't want to leave my brother and I with my mom. So it was really kind of a rough situation in that aspect. So I once again went to the extreme of going out and staying out for two or three days at friend's house and then coming home, and it wasn't a real good show. When I was 18, I started working a regular full-time job, and while I was working there, everyone seemed to be at least four or five years older than I was for some reason, and they all could get into the bars. And I found that if I hung out with them and walked into the bar with them, that I wasn't asked any questions. So I started going to the bar with these people that I used to work with when I was about 17. And I would have to say that 8 out of 10 times that I drank, I drank into a blackout. Just like the gentleman before me was saying, it wasn't that I was drinking every day, but once I picked up, there wasn't any question. Well, there was a question as to what was going to happen in the end. So my drinking progressed, and I was drinking on a – probably, I want to say, four nights out of the week I was shrinking into a blackout. But I figured it was okay because everybody else was doing it. But now looking back on it, I can see where nobody else was drinking quite like I was. You know, they would have two or three drinks, and that was it. And I was still sitting. I was the one at the end of the night passing the hat around going, come on so we can get to the liquor store and get more beer for after the bar. You know, and everybody else was like, we want to go home. When I was 19, I met another man. And this seemed to be another little path for me too. and I became pregnant probably about three months after we started seeing each other and throughout that pregnancy if it was put in front of me I was going to drink it and I drank the entire time through that pregnancy I drank, I smoked pot I smoked cigarettes and I was due August 18th and I had the baby July 24th and he was stillborn and I know it's a direct result of my drinking but I just couldn't I'm an alcoholic, when it's put in front of me I'm going to drink it so that gentleman he had re-enlisted in the Navy so we moved to Virginia Beach and I figured this would be great because I can start over all new people, whole new setting all knew everything well it was okay for a while until i started making friends and of course i'm going to meet all the people who drink just like i do and do drugs just like I do so once again it started all over again the drinking continued I got to the point where he would go to work in the morning and come home in the afternoon and I'd be three sheets to the wind and now we have a daughter, because in that interim, I had a daughter. Only by the grace of God is she healthy, because I drank through that pregnancy also. After about three years of living in Virginia Beach, he came up for orders and we were told that we were going to move to Jacksonville, Florida. So once again, I'm thinking, great, I can start over again. This whole military thing is going to be great because every couple of years I'm going to able to move and everything's going to good. Well, right in that time frame, my dad became very, very ill. And for my dad to even say that he wasn't feeling well was something big because my dad never went to the doctor. And so in September of 91, he went to the hospital. And he was in the hospital for several months, well, for several weeks, for about a month and a half. And my first husband's mother came to Virginia Beach because we were packing, getting ready to move. And so she came there to take care of my daughter, and I went back up to Michigan to be with my dad. And my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. And he was released from the hospital after six weeks, and we were told that he should be all right. They were going to start chemotherapy. So I went back to Virginia Beach to move down to Jacksonville. And when I got to our house in Virginia Beach, there was absolutely nothing in there. There were two cots for us to sleep on. Everything else had been moved out. So we drove to Jacksonville. We found some place to live, and I got on a plane with my daughter and went back to Michigan because my dad was readmitted to the hospital, and my dad died a month later on October 5th. And so there was another really big excuse for drinking. I didn't drink the entire time when he was sick because I knew that I had to focus on that. And actually, you know what? I don't even think that it was the fact that I Had to Focus on That. I think it was the fact that I was just too busy, you know. Sitting in a hospital, you can't really do too much drinking. However, the night before he passed away, a friend of mine said, why don't you come out to dinner and get a break? So I had this feeling that I should stay there, but I thought if I went with her, I could at least have a drink or two and just kind of relax. So I did that, not knowing that that was going to be the last night that he was going to be with us. So I kind of viewed that as choosing the drink over my dying father, which wasn't very cool. So once my father passed, I moved down to Jacksonville, and I lived in Jacksonville for two years. And once again, it was okay in the beginning because I was so busy with getting the house together and I didn't really know anybody until I got a job in a bar. But it would be all right because it was just a beer and wine place. So as long as there wasn't any hard stuff around, I was okay because I had come to the conclusion that that first time I drank it was vodka, so I stayed away from the vodka thing. you know. So while I was living in Jacksonville, my husband would go out on deployment and he'd be gone for six months at a time. And I believe my daughter, my oldest daughter came to believe that her babysitters were her parents because I would drop her off midday and sometimes I wouldn't come back until the next morning to get her. There was one instance when we lived in Florida where I had gone out one night, and thank God, and I can't believe that I'm saying this while I can, thank God my mom had come to visit. Because when I had gone out that night on my way home, I was pulled over by a police officer, and And I was taken to jail for a DUI. And it was so funny because for years I said, if only the headlight wasn't out on my car, I wouldn't have gotten pulled over. And I had nothing to do with the fact that when I rolled the window down of the car that it was just like all these alcohol fumes came barreling out at the police officer. And I spent two nights in jail. If my mom hadn't have been there, I don't know what would have happened to my daughter, you know. While I was in jail, the police officer was like, you don't belong here. I was like well, at the time I was thinking no I don' t really let me go. But now that I look back at it, yeah I do and there are many times other than that that I deserve to be there. so you know i while working in this bar i met another guy and um but he didn't drink like i did you know he was the type of guy that could go to a bar and he would order a drink and i still don't understand this he would put it down and the ice would melt in the drink like I just I never could understand that, but I thought being with him, he could fix me. You know? If I hang out with him then everything's going to be okay. So we started hanging out and one thing led to another and the next thing I know I'm packing my bags and I'm telling my first husband, I'm moving. And he was like, what? I said, I am moving. Our daughter is staying here with you and I am going. So I left my daughter and my husband and I moved far away to Delaware with my soon-to-be second husband. So we moved to Delaware, and in the beginning it was pretty good because he didn't drink, so we didn't really go out a whole lot. We just kind of did what we needed to do. His family wasn't really big drinkers. But when we first moved here, I thought it was kind of odd because his mom would always say, oh I'm going to a meeting oh I got to go to this meeting tonight and I used to think, wow she must be pretty important going to all these meetings but come to find out I think this year she celebrated 24 years in the program it's so funny how you look back on things and how God really works in your life when you have that hindsight to see where he's really touched you because I have a really big feeling that that's why I was brought to Delaware, so that I could get sober. So this gentleman and I played house for a while, and I started working, but this time in an office. But I made friends. I made my own friends again. And once again, they drank like I did. You know, I was only going to hang out with people that were like me. so my drinking started and I got pregnant again we decided that since I was pregnant that we were going to get married that would be the right thing to do we have the baby and then we get married even at our wedding reception this poor guy even at our wedding reception you can even see it in the video he's standing and we're standing in front of the the head table and he's looking at me and he saying please don't drink too much tonight please don'T drink too MUCH tonight and I looked at him and I said would you leave me alone and he said no just please DON'T drink TOO much tonight I have something special planned okay It's our wedding, you know. And I said, I'm only going to have six or seven. He didn't know that I had already drank a bottle of wine before that. So by the end of the wedding reception, this beautiful white dress, you know, I got all caught up in the Cinderella story, you know, wearing the pretty dress and getting your hair done, being the center of attention. By the end of the night My hair was coming down I was sitting in the middle of the dance floor In the dirty floor In my pretty white dress With red wine spilled down my dress They had to carry me out To the car And seatbelt me in the seat So that I wouldn't fall out of the car Was drooling I think I had a little bit more Than six or seven And I don't really remember the last part of the reception, just from what people told me. Then we had my drinking continued, and it's progressively getting worse. And I met this girl who was my best friend. And we would get together on Sundays and cook, and that was our thing. We'd get a bottle of wine and we'd cook. But then we'd run to the liquor store four times getting another bottle of wine so that we could finish what we were making. And that's how we drank, you know. One night I went on this little adventure in Wilmington. They call it the Halloween Loop. And while I was on this loop, I met this woman who worked for a radio station, and I thought that was really cool. And she told me to bring her my resume. So I did. And I was interviewed, and I got hired at this radio station. And I thought, wow, this is a bomb. Aren't I cool? All I did was answer phones in tight platters, you know. But being in this atmosphere, they had many engagements that were around bar settings. And when you work for a radio station and you have that little ID that says you work for a bar station, the bars are normally open and free. So there was a lot of drinking with that job. They even drink in the office. Like people go out at 3 o'clock and get beer and bring it back to the office and we drink at work. So I really, really liked that job a lot. it finally got to the point however where my second husband told me that i needed to do something about my drinking or else he was leaving and he was going to take my kids and he wasn't going to make my house and um that was it done and final so i said okay okay what do i need to do he said why don't you go to some meetings with my mom So I said, all right. And his mom would leave little things around the house for me, you know, not intentionally, but just little things, like the alcoholic marriage and just little hints here and there. So one night she took me to a meeting, and I remember on my way to this meeting, I was thinking to myself, I am never going to laugh again. My life is going to be so boring, I can't believe this. This is really going to stink. So at Westminster House, on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, they have these beginner's meetings, and they put the tables in a circle, and anybody who has under a year, they all sit around the table, and somebody shares, and then they go around the tab. So she actually ran one of the meetings, so she took me to that one. And you can sit right next to me up at the table. Okay. So we walked in, and she introduced me to some people, And I sat down, and the lady started speaking, and she said, excuse me. She said, okay, now you guys remember your assignment from last week, right? She said you guys were supposed to come up with the best clean joke you know. So for the entire meeting, they went around this table, and they each told a really good clean joke. And I Sat there, and I laughed the entire time. I look back on that and I see where that was God really seriously speaking directly to me saying, look it's not going to be like that it is going to get better it's going to feel good so I went to meetings for about 3 months they told me I needed to get a sponsor I got a sponsor, I never called her they told me I need to go to all these meetings I went to all these meetings. A lot of times I drank before I went to the meetings or I would drink immediately after. So needless to say, about three months later I was back out there and I said okay we're done. After one night of drinking and I got into a physical altercation with my second husband and he said he had enough and I could completely understand why. So we split ways, and he kept our five-bedroom house and my two younger children. But now my oldest daughter is living with me. So my oldest daugher and I, we moved down to our own apartment. And I was like, see, I can do this. I can deal with this. I can't do this on my own. Things were a little tight in the beginning, and I wouldn't really go out a whole lot. But when I would go out, it would be for those station events. So drinking was free, so I didn't really have to worry about it. Or if I was to drink, I'd buy one of those great big bottles of wine. I never bought the little ones. I always bought the great big giant ones because then that way I could just keep drinking all night until I passed out at least. We moved into our own apartment, and I thought everything was good. But things got a little tight, so I got a second job. So I started – I would work at the radio station from 9 in the morning until 6 at night, and then I would worked for Wawa from 7 until 11 at night. And when I'd get off work at 11, I'd think, you know what? I've worked all these hours today. I deserve to go to the bar. And I would go to the bar with the intentions of only having one or two drinks. And by quarter after 12, I was so drunk I could barely sit on the bar stool. After a couple of years of doing that and working at the radio station, I met someone who I thought was another one of those be-all, end-all things. And I thought he was heaven sent because he thought just like I did and felt just like I did. And we would sit and drink in front of the stereo with the candles lit, and we would drink until we passed out. And it was just awesome. Well, after about two months of that, one night I woke up out of a blackout in completely different clothes talking to a police officer in the parking lot of my apartment complex with a big, huge hole in the windshield of my car. And I had no idea how I got there. and he was sitting in a police car and they were asking me how it had happened and what had happened and I couldn't tell them I had absolutely no idea I still don't know who was driving the car or what happened really I think I might know but I'm not really sure thank God no one was hurt then after that We were out another night, and it was raining. And I hit the back end of someone in my car, DUI number two. And after that, things just really went downhill kind of quick. That was in July. and in August that guy that heaven had sent one night one day I had said to him I need to spend some time with my kids because I had really been neglecting my kids and my second husband was getting to the point of if you continue to drink the way you're drinking then I'm not going to let the kids come to your house anymore it was getting at that point so I said I need to spend sometime with my kid I'm going to go spend the day with them So I went and spent the day with them. And when I got home, a friend had called and asked me to go to a concert with her that she had an extra ticket. So I Went and found him and told him that this is what I was going to do. And he was at the bar. That's where I found him, was at The Bar. And I said, I'll come find you after I get done with the show. And he could come over after that. So after the show, I went to go find him, and he was still sitting in The Bar, and he was so intoxicated that I felt like I had to save him, you know. So I scooted him out of the bar and I took him home and he Was getting very belligerent, very mean and I tried to walk away from him twice and finally the third time something in my head said just go. Just get in your car and don't look back and I hadn't drank all day because I had been with my kids so when I that last time I got in my car and I pulled out of the parking place and he was standing on the stoop and I remember seeing him in my rear view mirror and he kind of looked like this lost puppy this lost soul excuse me and I went to my ex-husband's house to get my kids because he said that he would keep them while I went to the show, and at about 2.30 in the morning there was a knock at the door because you could see that I was really upset because throughout this whole thing I was very upset, and I was really bothered, and i was sad and depressed, and he said why don't you just stay here and watch this movie, I got this good movie. So I was watching the movie with him and I fell asleep and so there was a knock at the door and it was a police officer who was looking for me and he asked me do you know such and such and I said yes and he said well there's been an incident we need you to come with us well come to find out that third time when I walked away Steve went in the house and he had hung himself and um that was really really hard i felt very responsible but there was something there that that kept telling me i needed to go and i see now this is this is another one of those things where i look back and as hard as it is for me to say it's uh god does for us what we cannot do for ourselves and i have to look at steve and his alcoholism and know that he's not in pain anymore that he's in a much better place today. That was the beginning of my end. For the next two months, I was either drunk or high on pills every day. I had several suicide attempts. The guilt was just terrible. And so now I have the guilt of that, And plus I have all the feelings from my whole life of never fitting in and never really belonging and never, um, never really being a part of, you know. I look back at my life and there has been no one up until the past three years that has really been in my life for more than six months unless they have to be. Such as my ex-husband and he has to be because of my daughter. or my mom, because she has to be, or my brother, because he has to be. There's nobody who is in my life because I always push them away. You know? I get to a certain point and then say, oh no, you're too close, get away. So there's several suicides, suicide attempts in between there, and I was hospitalized the first time, and I was sent to a facility here in the area, Rockford Center, and being admitted in there, they immediately diagnosed me as being bipolar. Never once touched on the fact that perhaps I could have a problem with alcohol or a problem with drugs or anything to that effect. So I was there for three days, and they sent me home with a lot of pills. So I was like, yeah, so now I've got pills and my alcohol. And they went together pretty good. Then so I was out of work, still working at the radio station, out of works because of this suicide attempt. I was outside of work for three weeks. I went back to work. One weekend I went on a drunk and wound up way up Kirkwood Highway somewhere at a bowling alley, and I have no idea how I got there. I woke up out of a blackout, didn't know where the people were that were with me, didn't have a coat on, and it was cold. It was really cold. So I stumbled around until I finally dialed the right number. I kept dialing the wrong numbers trying to dial the phone to get somebody to come get me. by the time I got home within the next couple of days I was almost to the point of pneumonia so the doctor took me out of work again well now the radio station is saying guess what, we've had enough when I went back to work after being sick I walked up to my desk and everything was packed it was just bare and I was like this is not a good sign excuse me and I was excused from my position so I went home and of course immediately first thing I did was started drinking, found my pills took a couple of pills then as I was trying to get everything together trying to be the mature adult that I was I started trying to figure out what I was going to be able to pay and take care of what finally I realized you know what, I have absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm so empty and so tired. I'm just nothing. What's the sense of even being here? And then the little voice in my head said, but you're going to hurt your children. And then I thought, but you knowwhat, they'll get over it. You know, the initial pain will be bad. Like I had had a couple of suicide attempts before this last one, but it was never really thought out. And I thought, well, you know what? They'll get over it. They can go to counseling. Other people will take care of them. Shoot, people will even feel sorry for them because their sick mother killed herself. So I said, okay. So I wrote a letter and I said please let the kids know how much I care about them. I have an insurance policy. It's not the first of November yet. So you should still be able to get this money. And I made another attempt, and my second husband found me again. I was hospitalized for a second time, put into a psych unit in Wilmington, in the Wilmingston Hospital, and there they finally looked at me and they said, do you think you might have a problem with alcohol? And I said, well, yeah. And I said, well, we think that that's something that you might want to address. But before I went into the psych unit, I actually, I don't usually talk about this a whole lot, but it meant so much to me. When I was laying in the hospital bed, in the hospital, I was lying on my side and there was a nurse in front of me and I was layin' there and I felt this hand on my shoulder. And I thought to myself, oh, it's probably my ex-husband or one of my kids, you know. just comforting me. And I looked back to see who it was, and there was absolutely no one there. And this peace just came over me, like it's going to be all right. It's goingto be okay. So I knew what I needed to do. I neededto come back into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous because I know that you guys did this. And I saw that glow and that spark in people, like so many people talk about. So I came back into the rooms, and I had this wonderful roommate that was living with me at the time who thought that I was crazy to start going to meetings, them with all their little sayings, she would say. Are you going to start with those little sayangs now? And so I said, well, you never know. So I went, and I meant it. I wanted this. But she was still living at my house, and I knew that it wasn't good to have her there because she was so active in her addiction. I would leave her little letters and say, please can you find some place? Can you go stay with your boyfriend, please? I need to have my apartment to myself, and she just wouldn't get it. I went out with her one night, and i got high, and I just felt like crap and I said, I can't do this. Matter of fact, I was pacing back and forth in the living room and my big book was holding my antenna. My big book was holding my antenna on my TV and I guess from the jarring on the floor it fell off. It was kind of like my sign from God saying, hello, what are you doing? So I went into a meeting and I shared this with everybody like, I don't know how to get this girl out of my house. I know I can'T blame her for me going out but, you know, people, places, and things, you know. So I had four people from the rooms come to my house, and I fixed spaghetti, and we packed her stuff, and i told her that she needed to be at my house at nine o'clock, or she needed to be home at nine o' clock, and uh, we moved her out, and i said, i'm sorry, but it's a matter of you or me right now, and i'm sry, but you gotta go, so we moved out I didn't have another drink for 18 months and this is so we went from what it was like what happened what it was like and now we're at what happened so I got a sponsor I found this woman and I I thought, oh, she is so strong. I want to be like that. I want To Be Strong. I don't want to be the little person, you know, always afraid to step on people's toes or, you know. So I asked her to be my sponsor and we talked on a regular basis and she would tell me to read things out of the big book and every time I picked up that book, I did not understand it. I just could not get it and heaven forbid that I should go to a woman and say, I don't understand this. You know, I'm stupid. That's what I felt like I was saying, you know. I just don't comprehend it. So I hung around with all sober people. I went to a meeting almost every day. I went through a meeting. But I didn't do any of the step work. I did it kind of half, you know. And other things started to become overwhelming, but I was still going to a meeting every day, so I thought it would be all right until I went out of town and I didn't have any of my people around, and I drank again. And when I came back, I didn' t tell anybody. And it seemed like every meeting I went to after that was about honesty. excuse me, until I drank again two months later. And in that interim, that 18 months, someone called me and asked me if I could open a women's meeting for them, that they weren't going to be there on time. And I said, sure. I said do you have a speaker? She said no. I said okay, I'll find one when I get there. And me being the judgmental person that I was, I walked into the meeting, and I'm looking around going, I don't really see anybody that I want to hear shared today. But there was this one woman that was sitting there, and she was just quiet and peaceful and just reading her big book. And I said, I know I don' t know you, but could you share for me today? And she said, Sure. And she got up there, and I about fell out of my chair when the woman shared. And I looked at her, and I said, that's what I want. That's exactly what I wanted. But I didn't have the guts to tell the first sponsor that I wanted to work with her, you know, because that would hurt her, heaven forbid that I should get myself better. Excuse me, sorry. So after I drank the second time, I finally said, you now what? I've got to do it. So I called this woman and I said could you please be my sponsor? And she said, but you have to tell your other sponsor. And I knew that I had to. So I finally called her and I said, I don't know how else to say this, but I think I'm going to start working with someone else. And she says, that's fine, whatever you need to do for you. So I started working with my current sponsor, and she took me through the big book page by page because I finally had the ability to look at somebody and say, I don' t understand. I don''t get this. My first year anniversary in that 16 months, they had me share. And I actually, we read Bill's story. And after we were done reading it, I actually shared in a room full of people, I do not understand this story. I cannot relate. And close the book. Holy cow, I could relate to almost everything in that story, you know? It was just a matter of going through and having someone help me to understand. I've worked the 12 steps with my sponsor as they're laid out in the big book. She's shown me things. We've gone over the history from the very beginning. We started from the first page of the book and went through, and we did go through with a pen and a highlighter and made little notes. But sometimes that's the way I need it because then that way I can go back and reference things real easy because I have a thick head, and I don't always comprehend things on the first time through. She was one of those that said from the very beginning, you need to take someone through. As soon as we're done here, you need to start working with another alcoholic. That's the only way you're going to keep what you have. And I remember the last time working with her, I stood up like we were done, and she was like, okay, it's time. You need to go find a sponsee. And I got up, and I was like okay, and then I took a step, and I went, my God, I'm not coming back here. Wait, no, no. I can't do this. I can' t do this, and she said you have to. If you don't, then you're not gonna be able to keep it, and I think it's a responsibility today that God has given me a gift, And it's my duty to give it to others. I said to her, but they always say you have to have a year in order to be a sponsor. And she said, can you point out in the big book where it says that you have to have an hour in order for you to be able to do that? Can you point it out in a year and order to have to be sponsored? And I said, no. And she asked, can we point it in a big book and order for us to keep what we have and give it away? And I answered, yes. She said, okay then. She said, it says we commenced working with others immediately. And what a thrill it is to work with other women. It's absolutely incredible. I used to tell her, I used to say to her when I would sit and work with her, this is just so incredible. And she'd say, wait until you walk somebody else through the steps and you see the changes in them, just how incredible that is. I've had that experience and oh my god I can't even explain just the sense of peace inside and in knowing that it was God that worked through me in order to help these other women my sponsor has a saying it's just my job to put your hand in the hand of God and then it's you to do the rest I had a sponsee share last night at a meeting and the changes that I saw from the beginning when I first started working with her until now God is absolutely incredible the relationship I have with my higher power today is the most important relationship I've had my sponsor always stressed the fact of God dependence versus people dependence and that's what I'm striving for today I still have my moments where I say oh god I wonder what they're thinking of me but I need to realize it doesn't matter it's all a delusion because it doesn'T matter what happens between you and I it's between God and I that counts. I thank God so much for this program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I thank God for bringing me to AA, and I thank AA for taking me to God. And I guess that's all I've got. Thanks for letting me share.