The Spirituality She Wanted from Other People’s Examples – Deb H.

About This Speaker Tape

Minnesota, 1979. A seventeen-year-old girl is bent over a toilet, puking and wondering why she wants to die while surrounded by a party. For Deb H., booze was the only way to check out of a violent, abusive home where her father was a man who beat and sexually abused people. She found oblivion at thirteen, using alcohol to feel "okay" and to mask a rage that made her abusive toward her own siblings when sober.

After a three-day evaluation where she was stripped of her clothes and cosmetics, she was told she was sick. Sobriety began as a chore—watching the clock in meetings with fifty-year-old men—until she met a sponsor in college. Deb describes the grueling work of the steps, noting she once "sweat" while trying to turn her will over to a Higher Power. She eventually realized the liquor was but a symptom, and the real wreckage lay in the causes and conditions of her childhood.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Deb H. opens with the uncertainty of what she has to offer the room.
• 2:15 Description of childhood abuse and the start of drinking at age thirteen in rural Minnesota.
• 6:40 Discussion of the 'insane' behavior and anger she exhibited specifically when sober.
• 11:20 The 'last drunk' at age seventeen and the decision to enter treatment.
• 14:10 The intake process at the 1979 treatment center and the loss of her cosmetics and clothes.
• 18:50 Early resistance to AA and the Tuesday night Big Book meetings with older men.
• 23:10 Meeting her long-term sponsor at Winona State and the shift toward true fellowship.
• 26:40 Conversation with Charlie C. about the imaginary line between working the steps and living them.
• 30:10 The struggle with the Fourth and Fifth Steps and the realization that liquor was only a symptom.
• 33:40 Experience at the Founders Day conference and the emotional impact of the Promises.
• 37:10 The importance of the newcomer and the 'empty feeling' of the first meeting.
• 39:50 Stories of doing 12-step calls on a college campus to help students in crisis.