The Spiritual Malady of the Manic Depressive Type – Wayne B.

Sean Alcoholic. I want to thank Vince and Lauren, the committee, for inviting Sean and myself to come spend a weekend with you. Like you said, this is like many times that I've had the pleasure of coming here and sharing my experience with sometimes a very difficult subject, to say the least, an often misunderstood subject, I might add. There's a lot of myth understanding and misunderstanding about the title of this workshop. I've titled it Emotional Sobriety 101. I don't think there's a 202. At least as it is, I haven't arrived there yet. Before I get too far along, we'll do the disclaimers. Sean and I need to be the ones getting paid to do this. We do this for fun and for free. We emphasize fun. They got the free part down. I want the fun part too. I wasn't at the dance floor. We do it for fun or for free? We're not paid. Our expenses are covered, which they are according to New York GSO guidelines. Our expenses were paid. We're Not Paid. As a matter of fact, Sean gets a little bit more perk than I do because Sean comes here on his own airline ticket. His isn't covered. He comes here because he wants to sit at the top table with me and participate, and he hopes to God something will rub off. So does his sponsor. Sean is a lawyer, so he can afford it. and I take full advantage. Sean's job is to keep me on track. I often get lost. I'm 60 now, so every now and then I forget where I was going when I got there. You ain't gonna know I'm even there. You ainít know I'm heading there, but I'll think you do. If you comprehend that, you're in the right workshop. Another disclaimer, I don't speak for nor do I represent AA. This is just my experience and an experience it goes beyond the average meeting to be sure. I got very obsessed with my condition, I got very obsessed recovery, I really got obsessed with seeking information about my plight because I got to a spot in my life where, is that loud? Is that really loud? Is it good? Okay. I'm actually listening to myself I guess. I got to a spot in my own recovery where I was confronted with something that many of us in this room have been, are, or perhaps will be confronted with at some point in time and that's emotional instability to a point where I had a revolver in my mouth at seven years sober. And people in the room had a hard time believing that that was my case because I was in meetings every day. We went to meetings every day, worked a full-time job and I was working the steps as hard as I could and I was throwing everything at it that AA had to offer. And yet, I would still sit in meetings and I would say what's wrong with me. And I would look at my neighbors and wonder what's wrong with them. And when I couldn't figure it out, I figured it must be me. I mean, there was just something so terribly wrong inside that to my perception, AA wasn't fixing it. That doesn't mean it wasn't. That was my perception. Now remember, this is a workshop, so I'm going to get you to play along if you're interested. If not, feel free. I won't point you out too much. how many of you have sat in a meeting with alcoholics anonymous and wondered what's wrong with you what's what's wrong with me I know you don't want nobody to know it if it's your story none of us in this room want to admit sober that we have problems do we how many of us are quick to say yep got a problem today think I'll call my sponsor no I call God because God doesn't answer back God doesn' tell me to go to a meet God doesn''t tell me to pay my child support God doesn't tell me to eat right my voice has God's fingerprints all over it if you know what I mean I'm not making fun of God I'm telling you how I misinterpreted theology to suit my own desperate that's what my mother said my mother said I keep cutting out is it my location is it the location of that thing that's causing the problem I have a hunch it's because I'm too close to that perhaps. How about if I go over here? Is that better? How about if I cover it? How's that? That's better. I'm still going back over here. Okay, I want to read a prayer that's... How many of you heard about the set-aside prayer? This is a prayer that's not mine. It's really good. I want you to read it at the start of the workshop because I want you to understand that I'm not here if you've never been. How many of you have been to this workshop before? You're going to hear a lot of new stuff this weekend, but those of you who haven't been to the workshop before, I'm now here to tell you you've done anything wrong, and I'm out here to show you that you need to do anything yourself. What I'm here this weekend for is to share some experience about myself that allowed me to walk in a sunlight of spirit beyond a state of mind and emotion that psychiatrists told me I would never be free to walk. not without medication on board my body. And I'm not going to stand up here this weekend and tell anybody they've got to take meds or that they should stop taking meds. I'm here to tell you that I've been medicated since I was 12. I was told by a judge I would never walk the streets a free man without medication. I was ordered to take medication by the courts, and yet I stand here 32 years sober, free of all booze, even O'Doul's, pills, potters, potions or lotions. I've been free of psychiatric medication for a long time I don't ever want to go back on them again but I have to have an answer or I will have to either do that or drink again because my emotions become so untenable sober that even meetings you know what's interesting about meetings with Alcoholics Anonymous the fellowship has the power to make me thirsty laughter I'm going to submit to you, if you can stay sober in this fellowship, you can say it's over anywhere. The fellowship of AA will definitely make me thirsty. The fellowship with the Spirit will satisfy that thirst. You hear me? And this weekend is all about my thirst. My unquenchable thirst that I didn't know that I suffered from. This is a set-aside prayer For those of us who come in here and we've got our defenses up thinking that the speaker is going to try to tell us something we don't want to hear. If you would, listen to these words and if you want, adopt them for yourself. Dear God, please help me set aside anything and everything I think I know about myself, about my illness, about the big book, the 12 steps, the program the fellowship the people in the fellowship and all spiritual terms especially you God so that I may have an open mind and a new experience with all these things please help me understand and see the truth about myself my condition and the world of Alcoholics Anonymous Amen isn't that something because some of us are going to have a new experience this weekend. I know I will. I have never, this is about 221 workshops for me. And the workshops themselves didn't change me. It's the actions I've taken in between those workshops that have changed my mind. You're walking up on me again, I can tell. Oh, I'm sorry. I can't do that. Hold the microphone, please. Oh, for a few minutes? So I can see what's wrong with this. Now I feel like it's not working. How long is it going to take you to fix that? This feels too much like Hollywood. This pun intended. We're not there yet. Okay. Because I have Okay, this I got to get over Let's pause agitated. You ever get there? Okay, is this working right at my mouth? Okay. Sir. What? This works. Yes sir. Well it's a good thing I got this memorized. Is this disturbing anybody yet? Get over it. Ha! Wait till tomorrow, we'll show you how to do a 10 step. Okay, this one works pretty good, doesn't it? See there's the lawyer saying, huh? You know what happens when you got sharks out there in the water and a lawyer comes swimming in the water and the sharks move out of the way you know what that's called professional courtesy i'm really at risk because he's also my corporate attorney so he knows all the numbers i don't want nobody else to know okay emotional sobriety 101 that's never going to change i'm 32 years sober one day at a time no pills powders potions or lotions my life how do i not how do I live a balanced life naturally I don't there's something wrong with me I don'T seem to have this natural equilibrium that earth people have and are some people in AA that have that natural equilibrium too. And most of them won't come back to the workshop on Saturday. That's, by the way, that's not a clue not to come back tomorrow. I am missing something that we're going to talk about all this weekend. There's a problem that I have that I didn't uncover until I was sober quite a few years. I wasn't having a whole lot of fun sober. Have you noticed anybody like that around your meetings? They're really tough to sit with, aren't they? They look like the whirl and dirge. You're sort of like a fart in a windstorm you know they've been around you just can't keep up with them they're they're all they're like the whirling dervish in the room but then there's that quiet person that sits there and you don't know what to do with them either and often that quiet version of us and oftentimes we're judging people where we talk about unconditional love while we judge any other judges in theroom i'm come on don't lie to me i spotted you already just don't some of you were judging me already i caught you when you weren't looking you know who judges the worst in aa those who judge those who judged now in a perfect world there'd be no judgment this is not a perfect world and i'm not going to play games i'm not going i am not going come here this weekend and insult your intelligence and pretend i'm mr wonderful or that i'm mr recovered i've got i got lots of problems anybody else how many people in this room got some interesting emotional problems How many of you don't want to raise your hand because you want to be busted out? Don't worry, we can see it. It's sort of like that. How many have you seen that Peanuts cartoon? Who's Linus? No, Pigpen. Pigpen! You know the guy that drags a blanket behind and he's got that whirl of dust? Yeah, well, we walk around with a big book and an erotic. That neurosis follows. You can't hide it. That's why newcomers, it don't do no good to try to hide it, but we see it! It's like sitting and stewing. And I think I'm getting away with it. And I'm in a meeting and I'm dying. And my life is getting worse, sober. And I don't know who to talk to about it. And it doesn't happen to everybody in AA. Bill Wilson suggested in a writing published in 1944 that we're going to talk about tomorrow at great length. He suggested only 50% of us in AA suffer from this plight that went unnamed for many years. And the other 50% don't suffer from it. Now that's not my opinion. That's Bill Wilson's words. Let me suggest it to you now. In 1944, Bill Wilson was published, New York State Journal of Medicine. He was asked this question, of your fellowship of men and women, had they not been drinkers, how would you describe their personality makeup? It's very interesting. Now, Bill, we all know, is not a psychologist, but would you agree he knew a lot about alcoholics? how many would you agree that Bill had insight that the experts didn't have so when Bill answered him I gave him credibility he answered them that 50% of us would appear in ordinary life to be normal in every regard where's that in the big book and it's in the doctor's opinion by the way 50% of us would appear in ordinary life to be normal in every regard mentally emotionally physically how many of you relating so far normally in every regard mentally don't you put your hand up i know you kelly's looking for some attention okay let me go through the doctor's opinion and then i'll reiterate what i just said the classification of alcoholics seems most difficult and in much detail is outside the scope of this book there are of course now this is going to turn some of you off because you know it's not going to apply to you but after you hear the symptoms you might change your mind of course the psychopaths how many psychopaths we got in here no okay the psychopath who are emotionally unstable now listen to these symptoms and see if you want to re-quantify your response we are all familiar with this type they're always going on the wagon for keeps. Anybody in this room quit forever? Only to start again? They are over-remorseful. How many too sorry people we got in here? How many people are so sorry? How many of us in thisroom apologize five times to make sure they understand we're sorry? They, they are over remorseful and make many resolutions but never a decision. There is a type of man who is unwilling to admit he cannot take a drink. He plans various ways of drinking. He changes his brand or his environment. There's a type who always believes that after being entirely free from alcohol for a period of time, he can take a Drink Without Danger. How many of you relate with that so far? Everybody fit into those categories just a little bit? And then here comes my class. There's the manic depressive type, who is perhaps the least understood by his friends. By the way, when this was published bill edited out a sentence that dr silkworth wrote because he thought it was too critical of our fellowship so bill actually edited it out i found that piece of edited out dialogue and i really wish he would have left it in the book but the reason he took it out was because bill felt it would be divisive to our to our fellowship even though it's truthful he thought it would be divisive here's how it reads now the manic-depressive type who is perhaps the least understood by his friends and about a whole of whom about whom a whole chapter could be written here's what it used to say the manic depressive type who is Perhaps the least Understood by his Friends and the most fiercely resented by his own kind in AA you hear me and about whom a whole chapter could be written I hate to admit it that is not a black eye for our fellowship it just describes our illness at depth doesn't it how we can resent each other but it's true isn't it many of us don't want to admit that but it is awful hard sometimes to tolerate people like me in a meeting of alcoholics non-mus I have the experience of being fiercely resented by my own kind. Did I cause it? Of course I did. That doesn't delay the fact that it happened. I didn't know what to do with that information. We're going to talk about that this weekend. Then, now that's one description. How many of you relate with that description so far? About, really? Let's see how many of your relate to this. then there's a types normal in every respect except alcohol i dare you to raise your hand by the way those people generally don't come to this workshop that's my experience every now and then one or two of them will slip in on friday night and they run for their life they look at us and they go yeah there's nothing roses in that room to lift a space shuttle there are types entirely normal in every expect except in the effect alcohol has upon them here's the clue they are often able intelligent friendly people that's before they drink i'm like that after i drank we ready to switch it up yet you got that fixed okay because i can't go to my chalkboard or Nothing like this. Maybe I can. Here. Throw this under there. Yes, sir. Right here. Ha! Okay. I'm happy now. Freedom! Okay. How many of you can see the board? Can everybody see theboard? That ship represents the SS Wayne B. And I'm heading full steam for the problem. now society treats only 10 of my problem i didn't know that until i did some studying and i did som research i've been anybody else been i don't by the way don't leave here and say i put down treatment or therapy or doctors or medicine i'm not here to put nothing down i'm only here to share my experience and put it in perspective as it relates to aa i'm not trying to relate AA to outside opinion. I'm trying to relate AA To our problem and my problem, irregardless of how other people perceive our problem. Because you see a lot of people outside AA have decided in their own how they want to look at alcoholism, but it isn't compatible to our way of life. And I want to bring that home sharply this weekend because it's my opinion that more alcoholics are dying today than ever before in AA because there's so much counter influence about our way of life being innocently superimposed over my way of Life I have that personal experience how many of you been through treatment how many have you been through therapy no there's no disrespect here how many been through Therapy I'm not gonna ask that but I've been medicated I've been put on psychotherapy. I've been put on drama, psychodrama. I've hit pillows. I've brought toy puppies to meetings. My sponsor informed me it was a closed meeting. I had no idea what my problem was. Sober. I had no idea what my problem was. The analogy I like to use to start with is the iceberg. Let me have that pad. Thank you. That's what a real iceberg looks like. I know it's a small picture. We didn't get time, we didn't blow them up, but I've kind of done my reverse imagery here because I look at things like that. I Know that this is artistically challenged, but that's an iceberg. Can you see it can you see it that's an iceberg now i want you how many of you know about the ss titanic she sank on her maiden voyage didn't she the unsinkable the unthinkable now it isn't the 10 percent that they saw that sank her it's the part that was hidden from their view and the inability of the crew to respond It isn't the part that you see that's sanker, and yet that's the part of my condition that the world is trying to treat. The part that the world can see. For example, the world could see family problems. The world can DUI problems. The world could health problems. The world financial problems. The world can see familial problems. And my experience in treatment is they brought my family in and tried to treat all that stuff. And I drank again. It was inexplicable to me. I was absolutely certain I would never drink again. That wasn't the problem. That's why I drank against it. That's a symptom of the problem, but that's all they can treat too because they really can't see the real problem. I didn't know that. By the way, if you're challenging this in your mind, remember, it's just my opinion based in my experience. But I think if you hang in here for the weekend, I think you'll perhaps entertain the possibility that this is credible and that you might understand why so many people in AA are dying drunk when we have the best answer known to mankind and have for 75 years. You see, as long as I think that my family's my problem or part of my drinking problem or that anything that the world can treat, I'm probably doomed to repeat it. Now, I've been given the best therapy money can buy and there's a book written about me in the state of Illinois and about my dilemma by a psychiatrist and a psychologist who tended to me i was developed i was i was diagnosed as having a borderline personality we got any doctors in the room any therapists i don't mean no disrespect got anybody to understand the dsm-4 and the symptoms okay i was diagnosed as having borderline personality character disorder what's that leading up to ladies serial killer by the age of 13 i had four of the five primary symptoms four out of five no wonder they put me on medication i ain't gonna tell you about the other two you might not come back tomorrow a little side note you may not know this about a state of illinois my home state i was born and raised in Illinois. You may not know this little tidbit, but right now as we present ourselves this evening, there's approximately 48 or 49 serial killers on death row awaiting execution. Of those 48 or 39, I'm proud to say 41 come from Illinois. My sponsor suggested it was a good thing I moved. I needed a drink I believe I was misdiagnosed but based on my behavior I was presenting behavior that is not distinguishable but here's how I knew after I got sober it wasn't psychiatric when I drank the symptoms go away do you hear me that shouldn't happen you go on a psych ward and give a patient some booze they'll just say thank you and wonder when they're going to get their next cigarette you give me booze and i'm taking over the institution when i went through treatment they sat me in a chair and put a sign around my neck it read wayne is a liar i was quite proud of that because i knew i was. A week later, they put another sign around my neck. It read, Wayne is not a counselor. Apparently, I was trying to help the counselors. I need to tell you, not only am I an alcoholic, but I'm an alcoholic of the the grave mental and emotional disorder variety of which Bill Wilson said half of us have that and half of his don't. My brother's a type of drinker. My brother is sober 29 years. He goes one meet in a week whether he needs it or not. And he's happy, I can't stand it. He says I'm addicted to AA. Think about that. He says, I'm a drunkard. I'm an addict to AAA. He suggests my life has been ruined bear in mind i have more time than him my life has been ruined by my obsession for the attention i get in aa and he believes that my brother's been like this my brother has been like this i swear to god do you think i'm a credible witness to my brother i am my brother has been like this for 29 years. After that first year, he was kind of rocky. But then he... After about a year, my brother seemed to snap out of it. Do you understand what I mean by snap out? Snap out of what? That first year he was having the... When you develop a dependency on alcohol, your body's going to react. So when he first got sober, his body was going through withdrawal from the dependency for alcohol. But once he got past that and started going to meetings, it lifted. I love you, man. That was pressure, I got to tell you. Jesus. Okay, now I've got to start over. Ah, she don't want me to start over. Would you wipe that off? Yes. You got him. But he's a lawyer. This was important stuff for me because it helps me first of all one of the problems I had was I apparently was not convinced in my innermost self I'm alcoholic sufficient to overcome alcoholism and I'd been through so many different variations of attempted recovery I'm coming back over here oh boy let's move it up a little bit and see if that'll work That help? How's that? Okay. Some people misunderstand me and think I'm putting something down. I'm not. I know what worked and didn't work. That don't mean it won't work for you. But I've seen legions of alcoholics die in AA because of the very thing I'm going to talk about this weekend. Our numbers are down according to New York. Yes, sir. And it makes sense. It's not because we're doing something wrong. is because by the time we get newcomers here, they've been counter-influenced to what we do. And we can't get them to do what we do. Anybody notice that around the meetings? You can't, you can't give people to do simple things in AA. There's a, there's, I believe there's a specific reason for that and I think it's important to know what that reason is so that we can get it out of them. It isn't my job to hold anybody accountable but if I have come into an understanding to what my problem is, the real problem, and convey that to a new person who knows not what their problem really is. Because if I tell them alcohol's not my real problem they're going to look at me like I grew a head. But alcohol ceased to be a problem for me on November 8th, 1977. I haven't had a drink since that day. Alcohol's no longer a problem for me as long as I don't drink it. So why is it from November 3rd, 1972 to November 8, 1977 going to meetings almost every day I couldn't stop drinking I mean I'm in the middle of the message and I can't stop drinkin is it because I'm a loser is it because I don't want it or maybe it's just because I have not become convinced sufficient to overcome that terrible obsession for alcohol in the 12 and 12 forward says AA's 12 steps are a group of principles spiritual in their nature which if practiced by the way there's a lot of conditions how many of us don't want any conditions tell the truth, how many don't want any rules anything more than a very fragile suggestion very fragile how many of us do not like to be told what to do come on, tell the true how many you don't wanna be told what to do. What if I was to say to you, we don't tell people what to do, we give them direction? It just sounds like they're being told what to do. That's how I hear it. Which, if practiced, if practiced is a condition, if practiced as a program, see, I want to correct something that maybe some of you have fallen victim to. AA is not a program. The 12 steps are. AA is not a program. AA is a way of life that is being utilized as a program out there. We are not an adjunct to anything out there. We are our own entity. Isn't that beautiful? We, we as a society are not dependent on anybody outside and yet they're dependent on us because that's where they send their peeps, isn't it? They send them here after they're done with them why? I mean, come on. I rode the short bus but I can figure this part out. Why do they send them to us when they're done? Because there's nowhere else to go. And I got good news and bad news. Bad news is nobody else wants us. The good news is nobody else wants us there is nowhere else to go so which if practiced as a way of life can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer me to become happily and usefully whole what's my problem I'm not happy I don't feel useful and I am not a whole human being there is something terribly wrong with me sober. I want to talk about that because this is what the whole weekend of my experience is predicated upon. I got this from Father Martin. How many of you knew about Father Martin and Chalk Talk? Father Martin was one of my early heroes. Father Martin was a genuine guy. And he came up with a formula that I stole from him. I gave him credit three times. It's mine now. he came up with his formula and explains my brother and it explains me hang with me this is the only limited psychology of a non-moral nature I'm going to apply to this weekend remember Dr. Silkworth said that some form of moral psychology was necessary some form of moral psychology that means the psychology of right and wrong conduct Moral, right and wrong. So let's not get all concerned about the spirituality of the word moral. It isn't indicting anybody to sell them Bibles or anything like that. Moral is regarding of right and long conduct. So it's the psychology of right wrong conduct. Dr. Silkworth said some form of that is necessary for us to find the answer. We'll just call that normal. Normal is a variation of ups and downs. How many of you have heard there's no such thing as normal? You're only going to hear that in AA. It's sort of like we're above average intelligent, you're only gonna hear that an AA. You will not hear that now or none. You hear me? But if there's any of you who got educated in psychology, psychiatry, or theology, you will know there is such a thing as a normal state of human condition. Ups and downs are normal. My brother. Here's my brother without booze. Something makes him happy and he elevates just like he's supposed to, but he knows he's not staying there. He just knows it. And then he eventually falls back in love. You know anybody like that? Aren't they troublesome? Yes. And then he'll get disappointed, but he doesn't get overly sad about it because he knows he's going to what? Bounce back. God, it's sickening. My brother has a commodity that most human beings out there have. It's called natural emotional buoyancy. That's a fact. I'm not making that up. It's not beyond my intelligence. Normal emotional buoyancy is the natural God-given innate ability to flow with life. How many of you know somebody like that? You don't even got to think about it. It just happens. I'm concerned about those people. My brother, he's one of them. He goes, and then there's me. I've seen him been born just a little off. i can't explain it it just it's bad i was born depressed i swear to god i was born with my thumb in my mouth screaming i want to go back i have had doubts about myself as far back as i can remember anybody else anybody else tell you about your potential haven't you ever been told you're a mass of unrealized potential Yes, and you're a massive human about to die is what you are. So if this is normal, I'm down here wondering what's wrong with me. And I don't have that ability my brother has to just bounce back. I dwell on things. Any other dwellers? Any cellar dwellers, you know, the cellar of your mind? Here's what happens to me. I'm already sad. I don't need any impetus at all. But let's just say I fall in love. You know, I see someone. That's all it takes. Does she look at me? She looked at me. John, she looked at my face. She looked me. I wonder if she'll have my baby. Do you relate? And then as soon as I notice, she's not looking at me no more. And there's no breaks. I'm suicidal. And I don't even know her name. But then as I'm about to hit that cellar, I see her. I didn't like the other one anyway. Bitch. How many of you, by the way, laughter is identification? And so is your avoiding to laugh. How many OF you relate to that? It's a natural, inherent thing. I don't want to talk about it because it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. I don' t want to do it. I don''t want to talking about it. Anybody else? This is going to become alcoholism if you hang in there. Did I offend you? Apparently, something did. Okay. You know, by the way, this is not in response to that because who knows why he's got to go. The reality of it is, is that this sounds like psychobabble and big book thumpers don't like it. Big Book Thumbers don't like this, I'm telling you. And I'm not being offensive to Big Book Thumblers, but you get a set idea in your head and anything new can't penetrate it. And the first thing we do is what? Judge it. We don't wait to investigate it. That's why we did the set aside prayer. Apparently he didn't set aside something. No, I am not mocking. I am saying that I have to set myself aside to entertain the idea of a new idea. Because most of my fellow AAs die because they can't let go of an old idea that's holding them back from freedom. How many of us in this room feel like we're not our complete self? How many just feel like we never get to be our completeself? How there's something going to come up and stop us from being our complete Self? And then some mope like me comes along, starts drawing stupid pictures. I'm going to suggest to you by tomorrow this ain't going to be stupid pictures at all. I'm gonna tell you, this is so powerful it got me off pills. This is so powerful, it's kept me off booze. This is så powerful that it has allowed me not to commit suicide. And when I felt emotional pain, I never thought I could tolerate sober. And I've seen legions of AA people come in and die, not because someone broke up with them, but because they couldn't stand the color on TV again. Something as trivial as that. Anybody ever get all tore up over screaming at somebody because they looked wrong? And we don't know why. I don't know why that's tearing at my guts, but my mind's made up. How many made-up minds do we have? See, I don'T have a closed mind. I got something worse. I've got a made-ups mind. You can't penetrate that. Okay, so here's me. I've Got No Breaks. I am subject to this. I'm either driven by elation depression or anxiety all at the same time how many of you identify with that elation grandiosity or depression this is Bill Wilson wrote this in 1958 it's going to take about five minutes to read it so I hope you'll hang on listen to the words is the reason I get to come here tonight. It says, The Next Frontier Emotional Sobriety by Bill W. See if any of this sounds familiar as I read it. I think that many oldsters who have put our AA booze cure to severe but successful tests still find they often lack emotional sobriety. Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in AA, the development of much more real maturity and balance which is to say humility in our relations with ourselves with our fellows and with God those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval anybody for top approval or just approval perfect security boy how many of this fight like dogs just to be secure and perfect romance. Yeah. Urges quite appropriate to age 17. Prove to be an impossible way of life when we are age 47 or 57. I'm 60. Finally getting past it. Since AA began, I've taken immense wallops in all these areas because of my failure to grow up emotionally and spiritually my God how painful it is to keep demanding the impossible and how very painful to discover finally that all along we have had the cart before the horse then comes the final agony of seeing how awfully wrong we have been but still finding ourselves unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round anybody on an emotional merry go-round by the way you can be on it all by yourselves Not even know it. How to translate a right mental conviction into a right emotional result and so into easy, happy, and good living? Well, that's not only the neurotics problem. It's the problem of life itself for all of us who have got to the point of real willingness to hold the right principles in all our affairs. Even then, as we hoe away, peace and joy may still elude us. Remember, he's writing this in 1958. He's 23 years sober. He's the man. How shall our, and it's a hell of a spot literally, how shall our unconscious from which so many of our fears, compulsions, and phony aspirations still stream be brought into line with what we actually believe, know, and want? How to convince our dumb, raging, and hidden Mr. Hyde becomes our main task. Does that sound like psychobabble to you? No. father dowling gave bill wilson this information where i'm going to talk about that in just a minute i've recently come to believe that this can be achieved i believe so because i begin to see many benighted ones folks like you and me commencing to get results last autumn several years back depression having these are important words right here depression having no really rational cause at all. How many of you in this room have felt depression and there's nothing really going on? That's horrible. And if you're sitting there like that this weekend, I am so glad you came because I found a way out. I found the way out of a depth of despair that nobody else could comprehend except another person who suffered the depths of despair I did, sober. Almost took me to the cleaners. I began to be scared that I was in for another long chronic spell. And how many of you know Bill Wilson was subject to long chronic spells of depression ever since he can remember as a kid? Considering the grief I've had with depression, it wasn't a bright prospect. I kept asking myself, why can't the 12 steps work to release depression? By the hour, I stared at the prayer of St. Francis. It's better to comfort than to be comforted. Here was a formula, all right, but why didn't it work? Suddenly, I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications are you getting this? Is it coming through? Let me have that one. Sir. I'll work with you. Yes, sir. Thank you. I kept asking myself why can't the 12 steps work to release depression? By the hour I started the St. Francis prayer it's better to comfort than to be comforted. Here was a formula alright but why didn't it work? Suddenly I realized what the matter was my basic flaw please hear this I suppose if you could assign one specific idea to this workshop it's this I realized what the manner was my basic flow had always been dependence on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specification, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression. No really rational cause at all. There wasn't a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away. Because I had over the years undergone little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what grace I secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any circumstances whatsoever. Then only could I be free to love as Francis had. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions I saw were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing a love appropriate to each relation in life. Plainly, I could not avail myself of God's love until I was able to offer back to Him by loving others as He would have me. Think about that. How many times do you hear people say, innocently, you can't love others till you love yourself? That goes against AA. that's contradictory to what i just read from father ed dowling to bill wilson himself i could not avail myself of god's love until i was able to offer back to him by loving others as he would have me which suggests i will begin to love myself as a result of loving others It is so easy to continue the plight of self-centeredness if we allow counter-influence to tell us how to live our way of life. Do you hear me? And I couldn't possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies. And my dependency meant demand. Any other demanding people in here besides me? And my tendency meant demand, to demand. Well, I was so guilty of this, ladies and gentlemen. I'm not proud of it. I'm just telling you I was guilty of it, a demand for the possession and control of the people and conditions surrounding me. Any other control people in here? How many of you are controlling yourself from putting your hand up? Okay. While those words absolute demand may look like a gimmick, they were the ones that helped trigger my release into my present degree of stability and quietness of mind. Qualities which I am now trying to consolidate by offering love to others regardless of the return to me. Again, he's talking about how offering love to others is how he gets to love himself. Isn't that interesting? And I'm going to report to you if I'd have waited until I had mine I would have never got it. I didn't start getting relief until I started doing this workshop. My relief came over the years. I'll talk more about that in a minute. This seems to be the primary healing circuit, an outgoing love of God's creation as people by means of which we avail ourselves of his love for us. It is most clear that the current can't float until our paralyzing dependencies are broken and broken at depth. Only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love really is. Spiritual calculus you say? Not a bit of it. Watch any AA of six months working with the new 12-step case. You know, today, you'll hear people in AA say, don't work with nobody until you've got a year. Don't work with somebody until you're done. Don't work without nobody until you've worked all 12 steps. Could you imagine if they'd have told Bill Wilson that? He was working with people and we didn't have no steps. He was workin' with people and we ain't have a big book yet. Could you image it? Bill, hurry up and write that book so you can study it. If the case says to the devil with you, the 12-stepper only smiles and turns to another case. He doesn't feel frustrated or rejected. That must have been six months later. If his next case responds... Now listen to this. This is where Bill had a real open mind. And if his next case responds and in turn starts to give love and attention to other alcoholics yet gives none back to him, the sponsor is happy about it anyway. He still doesn't feel rejected. Instead he rejoices that his one time prospect is sober and happy. And if his next following case turns out in later time to be his best friend or romance then the sponsor is most joyful. I bet! I bet he is! I'm just reading what he wrote this is not my letter it's his but he well knows that his happiness is a byproduct the extra dividend of giving without any demand for return again it's not about him getting anything it's about him giving completely contrary to normal psychology isn't it see normal psychology says to their own self be true. Come into AA, and we tell you, start paying attention to that new guy. Well, yeah, what about my bills? Right, go take that newcomer to a meeting. I ain't got enough gas. Great, he'll push the car. The real stabilizing thing for him was having an offering love to that strange drunk on his doorstep. That was Francis at work, powerful and practical, minus dependency and minus demand. In the first six months of my own sobriety, I worked with many alcoholics. Not a one responded. Yet this work kept me sober. It wasn't a question of those alcoholics giving me anything. My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive. How many of us continue to demand to receive? Sober. Thus, I think it can work out with emotional sobriete. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, We will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependence and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live in love. We may then be able to 12-step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety. Of course, I haven't offered you a really new idea, only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own hexes at depth. Nowadays, my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity, or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine. Elation, grandiosity and depression. You know I was medicated for that cycle? How many of you identify? You know what they call that now? Bipolar disorder with a chemical imbalance. In 58 they didn't have that diagnosis yet. They also didn't have the pills for it either. they call this spiritual depression you see i suffer from a spiritual malady i haven't had a drink for over 32 years one day at a time it's more important now that i go to meetings than ever was before because my condition is getting worse and worse and worst right in front of my own face it's progressing silently and surely it's progressing and all i get is a daily reprieve take bill wilson's experience because mine i believe looks like his bill wilSON suffering from depression being washed out by people in age you know that statement the most fiercely resented by his own kind that was father father dowling's observation how other aa people were treating Bill Wilson. That's where that came from. Other people were fiercely resenting Bill Wilson and Bill didn't know how to deal with that. He is the co-founder of this fellowship and he's getting hate mail. He doesn't understand it. Father Ed Dowling says, I do. Bill's depression is getting worse. Bill's out running around the country. Dr. Bob, who everybody thinks is more sober than Bill. Really, because Dr. Bob's stable. Dr. Bob stays in Akron, ministers to 5,000 alcoholics for free, stands at the door of Towns Hospital. They're saying, Bill, why don't you be like Bob? That would offend me too if I was Bill. Bill, why don'T you keep it simple like Dr. Bob does? Can you imagine telling the co-founder of AA, keep it simple like dr bob does sort of like pitting one brother against the other isn't it but you know what dr bob and bill w never had two unkind words with each other bill went off and did his thing and bob did his and it was perfect it was perfectly because you see without dr bob my brother wouldn't get to stay sober because he can't be around me more than five minutes he starts getting edgy he calls me a smoking volcano i know you ain't erupted yet but it's coming here's where i got where's that right here's what i got from father uh joseph martin and this is the only uh this is the only outside psychology i'll bring in because it's so relevant father martin give me that black marker will you father martin came up with his formula i over e and he override by the way there's only two forms of human nature when you're born you're born one of these two ways you're either born intellect dominate your emotions or emotions got any emotional people here you've been emotional since you can remember any creative people in here, any poets any artists any artsy fartsy people in hier people too smart for their own good you know where are your emotions here's how this looks this has a lot to do with how people stay or don't stay sober in AA my brother's of the I overeat here's how it works my brother was born with this nature he's just naturally stable like sickening if he gets a thought, here's how it work, if my brother gets a though he thinks about it he considers the possible ramifications if he takes action and then he calls my dad for his opinion. Dad, what do you think? And then he listens without interrupting. And then, he considers what my dad said, and then he calls my mom. Mom, what are you? And he doesn't first say, here's what dad said. What do you thank? He doesn't do that. He says, mom, what do you think and then mom shares her opinion without interruption and then if he's not sure he'll call a friend it takes like a week and then he makes a decision based on investigation and contemplation and consideration don't you think he's overdoing it you agree and then somewhere along the line he makes the decision and he acts or he doesn't and then he considers this is the first time he considers his feelings how do I feel about this and if he feels good about it, he does it again if he doesn't, he doesnít need to call mom and dad he just donít do it again heís really in trouble then thereís me I feel it, I do it and then I think I shouldnít have done that and then I do anything to make sure it's sort of like ready fire aim I seem to have been born with this nature now that to the untrained ear can sound psychological but you know what I seem have been borne this way there is no reversing that no reversion it but I seemと be intensely so there's something broken about me that I don't understand the reason this is important is because the day I took a drink the day I took a drink something happened to me that doesn't happen to 9 out of 10 drinkers the day I took a drink here's what happened it slowly invisibly done this to me gave me the illusionary perception in my mind that I'm now acting and reacting sanely normally. I feel able, intelligent, friendly, capable. What that, that's code for I'm so good looking I can't stand it. I can talk to girls. You know when you're riding a short bus you don't get to talk to girl. Anybody else get put in retarded class in school? I did. I got diagnosed retarded in eighth grade. Mentally retarded. They gave me an IQ test. How many of you took the IQ test? Come on, in your lifetime, who's taking the IQ testing here? I know some of you have. Isn't it true if you score over a 120, you're a pretty smart cookie? If you scoreover a 150, you are Mensa material. You're a genius. You can actually get paid to think and people respect your thoughts if you score over a 180 they want you to stay home you're too smart don't drive i scored a 57 and i didn't cheat and i got put in retarded class by the way if any of you have kids with special needs I don't mean no disrespect that is my experience I got put in a retarded group home and it was a lot better than the alcoholic home I was living in that did not make me alcoholic but what it did was I was like this to the 10th power and as we go through the weekend we're going to find out how Father Ed Dowling Dr. Harry Tebow and Reverend Sam Shoemaker outlined a program to fit Bill Wilson after the big book was written because you see after the big book was written, did Bill get better or did Bill get worse? I want to repeat that. After the big book waswritten, did bill Wilson get better or did bill wilson get worse. Was it because he didn't apply it? I don't think so. I think it's because bill was suffering from a condition that wasn't awakened yet. Bill did say more will be revealed. More has been revealed. The reason that's important is because when I'm seven years sober, I'm going to meetings. People are taking my inventory, believe it or not. I'm fiercely resented by my own kind. People in AA are judging me, attacking me, telling me to go home until I'm serious. Except my sponsor. My sponsor said, keep coming back. They didn't like my sponsor either. Now this sounds like I'm attacking. I'm not. I'm just putting it in perspective so that if some of you are doing that, perhaps you'll stop doing that if you understand what's causing that dilemma. Because you see, what I believe made people resent Bill Wilson is they didn't know why he was acting that way and it scared them. How do you act when you're scared? Don't you fight or flight? Judgment or resignation? When I'm scared and I don't know what to do, I'm going to do one of two things. resign or attack anybody identify with that could you imagine bill wilson the co-founder of aa having these unmanageable untenable emotions running through the world and people being scared oh my god he's not getting well what's that mean for me i can only imagine in 1946 what time did we start 10 after five five five okay before we go to break i want to start on this in 1946 a book was published that annoyed the new york fellowship a couple of well-intentioned aa people wrote essays on the 12 steps to retaliate against bill wilson for taking Jesus out of AA. You know how he neutralized the spiritual thing, the religious thing. God as we understand him. A lot of the Christians didn't want Jesus taken out of AAA. So these two guys in New York got together and wrote their own essays on the 12 steps and got it published by Hazelden. It's called The Little Red Book. By the way, it's a good book, but it's not AA because it's all about religion. And if you're not religious, it doesn't apply. And AA is supposed to be all-inclusive, isn't it? So a lot of the AAs, you said, wait a minute, they're trying to backdoor religion back into AA again. And there are fewer started. And this is what led to Bill Wilson's freedom. Isn't it funny how, you know what immediately precedes the spiritual awakening? The rude awakening. mean. Here's Bill, 1946, 11 years sober. By the way, you got a history guy right over here, Jay. Can I point you out? Got another one here. They'll be glad to correct me if I'm wrong, won't you? There you go. He's from Akron, by the way. Jay is from Akran and he's one of the historians for AA. so what happened was bill was challenged to include with the 12 traditions by father ed dowling essays on the 12 steps to counter the little red book because so many people was buying that book that it was obvious our fellowship wanted essays on this step they they wanted more edification of the steps now that Bill was sober longer. Bill immediately said, no way, Jose, am I writing another book? I may be playing with the words a little bit there. Bill received so much hate, didn't he? Bill received such hate behind selling the big book. He almost couldn't go to a meeting without being attacked by somebody for profiting off the book row. So when he was asked if he would do that, he said no way I'm done with all that crap. Well his sponsor Ebby T was drinking. So Father Dowling became his sponsor. Father Dowling knew what Bill's problem was. Bill's program was false emotional dependencies. He had placed on people places and things for his feelings now follow this for his personal feelings of self-satisfaction approval worthiness safety and protection and father dowling knew what dependency was killing bill the most it was his dependency on being the founder of aa he had become so important in his own mind that he couldn't get free and father Dowling knew that it had a grip on bill that he couldn't let go of. So Father Dowling suggested to Bill that he worked the 12 steps with him again, specifically targeting emotional sobriety. Now a lot of people are under the impression that Bill Wilson wrote the essays. In reality, as he was working the steps with Father Dowlink, Father Dowling was taking notes about the whole process and when he got done he gave those notes to Bill Wilson based on Bill's experience and Father Dowlin's notes he assembled those essays for the 12 and 12 does that give you a different perception of the 12and12 see a lot of people put down the 12 and 12 by saying Bill was out of his mind when he wrote it yes he was and I was out my mind when I did this workshop that's the perfection of it that's the perfection of it was Bill was out of his mind when Father Dowling walked him through the steps for emotional sobriety based on the idea of faulty emotional dependency so after we take about a 10 minute smoke break for those who still smoke we're going to come back and I want to talk in the first part of the first step about that dependency and how it links to alcohol and alcoholism just in the event that you might work with a newcomer of my type or if perhaps you're struggling yourself with these emotional debacles and maybe you don't have what it takes to tell someone how badly you're suffering inside because I know what it's like to sit in meetings and suffer quietly and not believe there's any answer for me. Let's take a 10 minute break.