The Spiritual Awakening That Happens When You Stop Being Stupid – Sandy B.

My name is David. I'm an alcoholic. Let's have a moment of silence and we'll say the serenity prayer. Thank you. Go sit in the honor room. There we go. Hi, everybody. My name is Sandy Beach and I'm an alcoholic. How are you all doing? All this work is to get my knees so that I don't have to stand on them. So if you're wondering what all this is, they're just full of arthritis and it hurts to stand on them and this is much better. And I feel more informal and I am very happy to be here. they listed this as a workshop I guess it's going to be a stream of consciousness about our spirituality and I enjoy doing these things because to me this is the heart of everything is the transformation that takes place in us as individuals And it's not going to be a talk on the steps, but it'll be stories about the steps. It's not a standard anything. What I thought I'd do to start out with is if we were to look at our program backwards instead of frontwards by starting at the end. I don't know about you all, but sometimes when I'm reading a book, I'll go to the last two pages, see how the hell it ends. And then I'll decide if I want to read it. Now that's the stupidest thing you ever heard of. But let's suppose that we did that. And so if we came in here and we'd go, how does this end? We'd find out that it ends with a spiritual awakening. there's the ending there's the point there's the entire justification for everything is in the twelfth step where it says having had a spiritual awakening as the one result of these steps we try to carry this message so if you just looked at that what I just said then the answer to the question what message It is how to have a spiritual awakening. Do you understand where I'm coming from? It's not how to stay sober. Stay sober by not drinking. I used to stay sobre in jail. So when we're talking about our 12-step program, the point of everything is to teach and lead someone into having their own personal spiritual awakening. And awakening, there's lots of definitions throughout our program. We have an appendix with spiritual awakening, a nice definition in the 12 and 12. under the twelfth step, but I'm going to tell you my favorite definition of spiritual awakening. And we read it at almost every meeting, at least we do in Tampa. And you're probably going, well, I don't remember reading about a spiritual awakening Well, let's see if this really is the spiritual awakening or not. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole outlook and attitude about life will change. And then, the granddaddy of them all, we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. You can't have a bigger awakening than to suddenly realize God is doing something for you. Sometimes we just take it for granted, and we forget to say to ourselves, wow, I just had an awakening. You see what I'm saying? So it's not a mysterious event, very rare. And of course we talk about from William James the different types, you know, the one that Bill Wilson had. You just say, God, please help me, and the room lights up. And then he talks about the educational variety that takes place over time. But even when it takes place Over Time, when it happens, it's sudden. You follow what I'm saying? You're around for six months, and then you suddenly realize God is doing for you what you couldn't do for yourself, so it took six months, more of a spread out type of thing. But when it happens, bingo! And you just are aware of something you were never aware of before. And so when we see these things, then you see that, well, it's not as complicated as mysterious as I thought it was. It's when these things occur to us, Bill calls it the fourth dimension of existence. I like to use the word intuitive which is in that same set of promises which really are all part part of an awakening we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us so in the intuitive level if you think about it is the highest level that you and I can operate on we can operate on the emotional level and then we can upgrade on the intellectual level but But the highest level is intuitive. So when we turn our lives over to the care of God, what its meaning is if we can get our will out of the way, things will start occurring to us that are spiritual, that are spiritual solutions and you'll suddenly go wow I probably ought to make an amend well I see this they really have a point and so it's coming from you but it's really coming from our higher power who is as Bill writes in the big book deep down inside of each one of us. So it's coming from us, but it's not like thinking it up. It's not going, I've got a problem, I've gotta get the answer to this, so I'm gonna stay focused on it and think and think until I get the answers. That's not AA. What's AA? I've Got This Problem, I Don't Know What To Do. Okay, I'll let go of it. Bye. I haven't got a clue what ought to be done, so I'm going to just stop trying to figure it out. I'm just going to sit quietly. I'm not going to do anything. I'm still just going to stop trying to worry and think about everything and see what happens. And in that state we can be contacted. In other words, we have to be in an undisturbed state for anything intuitive to happen. So it's really coming from us, but at an entirely different level. I used to think that if I'm going to hear from God, there'd be, Sandy, yes? I want to tell you what to do in this situation. But it isn't. Do you understand what I'm saying? The communication is intuitive or through other people. where we go and somebody says, well, how do I know if it's God's will for me? I said, ask somebody else. If it passes muster, it's probably close. I mean, how many times I've had people come up to me and they go, it came to me last night that God wants me to leave my wife and go to Costa Rica with this young girl and I'm sure that He has something planned for me and I know it's going to be wonderful. Do you think that's God'S will? And I go, no. I don't. So we have a wonderful line. I forget where it is. I think it's at 12 and 12. People of very high spiritual development always insist on checking with others the guidance they feel that they got from God. So if people of very higher spiritual development do that, we might as well do the same thing. And that's why we have sponsors, spiritual advisors, close friends that we can run things by. And, of course, that is a very powerful part of AA. So I started with the finale. And I like to think of that finale. And let me make one comment about carrying the message. i honestly believe that if you do have this personality change this awareness this spiritual awakening there's nothing that could stop you from carrying the message you will be so excited about it that you will just go you want to know let me show you let me show you. I mean, you just so, but it's there to remind us, but I don't think we need reminding. When you think about it, Bill Wilson has his awakening in the hospital and within hours he's planning a worldwide movement. You follow what I'm saying? Why? Because this is so unbelievable, people have to be told about it. In other words, it wasn't so that he'll be a big shot and grandiose. It was, this is amazing. I've got to go show people how to have this. And of course, he ran out telling people about the hot flash, trying to get them sober. And he ran into bars and said, you're not going to believe this. You don't have to drink anymore. Listen to me. I saw a mountaintop. The wind was blowing and the light and the voice, and it went, Bill! And people would calmly say, well, that happens to me when I drink rum. And he got nowhere. So we can see that if we looked at our spiritual program and had two pillars that I call bookends, which would be the beginning and the end, the end isn't enough. This incredible prize, this remarkable thing that when it happens we want to share it will fall on deaf ears without the other one. Without the other one. Which is what Dr. Silkworth pointed out to Bill. Stop talking about that stupid hot flash. Tell the people about how hopeless their situation is. And there became the real anchor to all spirituality, which he read about in The Varieties of Religious Experience by William James, which he red with, according to the history books, two or three days of sobriety. Now I don't know if any of you have tried to read that, But I tried to read it with five years of sobriety, and it was over my head. And I again tried with about 30, and by staying with it and really hanging in there, I finally read the whole thing because it's so intellectual and so amazing and so full of other languages and references that it's a very difficult read. but out of that bill found out something very interesting about spiritual experiences because they're not limited to aa there are certainly spiritual experiences that happen to human beings throughout history as a matter of fact when james was asked to kind of summarize everything He gave a series of lectures where he was studying religion. He had never studied religion before, and so he goes and gives these lectures with all the intellects in Europe about religion, and it was brilliant. And his conclusion was that in the terms that he was looking at it, the organization of the various religions were not the main contribution at all. The main gift of all religions were awakened people, the Gandhis, the saints, the Mother Teresas, the people who had such a huge transformation that their influence became so powerful that you couldn't doubt the existence of this creator and that that was the most precious gift that mankind ever had anywhere are these enlightened people. So we had one with Bill having that boom. Boom. It's like an atomic bomb going off, and he took that energy, and nothing could stop him. Look at the history of the hardships that are going on in his life while he's carrying the message to start our program. Getting evicted from the townhouse after a couple of years, and AA people loaning him a car, letting him stay in the summer camps. $30 a month to live on. And he's just going, we're going, man, we'RE going, WE'RE going. Never stopped because of this marvelous transformation, which is in store for everyone. That's what is so exciting about a spiritual society, spirituality. I found that as a child going to church, I learned a lot about God, but I never contacted Him. Do you understand what I'm saying? The difference. I was never contacted. Hey, Sandy, God, hi, how are you doing? Yeah. It was they knew all about Him and they were going to get me there eventually, but not now. Not now. We live in the now. and the contact is in this moment. We're not waiting for it. We don't have to die. Well, we die in the sense of St. Francis. The ego dies and we have the contact. So contact is very, very important. So Dr. Silkworth said, Bill, nobody's going to listen to the story about the white light and nobody's remotely interested in being awakened. They're busy. They're trying to get some money. That's all I worried about in the beginning. I'm new into AA and I'm reading the steps and I am going, where is the money step? I am not interested in awakening. I need some dough. That's what I need. So you could have talked about awakening until the cows come home and I wasn't going to be interested. it. So that pillar over here on this side is not enough. So this is the one over on the other side at the beginning of the book. And what do we got in the beginning of the hook? I forget, I never counted all the pages, but if you started with the four words and the, what are those other things? Yeah, yeah. And then you finally start hitting the chapters, it's about 55 pages before you get to step two. You know what I'm saying? So, wow, this first step must be important. What's so important about that? Well, now we're going to take a look at it. Why is it so important? Well it goes back to what William James was talking about and this is what Bill read in that book because he had studied throughout history the people that had these awakenings in the various religions in India, in China, in Japan, with Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity. And there was one thing in common that all of these people had in having a spiritual awakening. They were hitting a terrible bottom. Their world had collapsed into a state of absolute desperation, and then it happened. So as we look at our program, it is absolutely essential to use the power of the first step to explain the desperate nature of the newcomer's situation, which is being minimized by them. I mean, we rationalize. I mean that's our specialty. It's not that bad. Well, the doctor said you might die in a couple weeks. Yeah, but it's not THAT bad. You see what I'm saying? We just aren't going to concede that it's that bad. That's part of the disease of alcoholism in the denial that it is not that bad, and so we have to really focus on shattering that myth that it isn't that bad There was a guy when I first got sober in northern Virginia, Washington, D.C., His name was Buck Doyle. He was Mr. AA. God, he was the fired-up guy and all that. And when he told his story, he always talked about he was Irish. Everybody in the family was an alcoholic, and they had an uncle who the doctor had said his liver was so bad that if he didn't get into AA soon, he Was probably going to die. So Buck, still drinking, is going to go over and try and talk his uncle into going to AA. And he came up with all the various reasons, the family and your wife and all of this, but his closing line, he saved his clothes for the very end. And his clothes was, Uncle, when my liver gets like yours, I'm going to join AA. Okay? So he already knew that he was an alcoholic, but he wasn't going to do a damn thing about it until his liver was as bad as his uncle's. So there's our problem in shattering the denial that it isn't fatal, that it Isn't that bad as the other people here. So if you look at it, that's the point of the whole first step is to create an even deeper sense of hopelessness. That doesn't sound very kind, does it? Gee, newcomer comes here feeling really bad about where they are. Well, go make them feel worse. Because if you feel really bad, you aren't going to do spiritual work. You follow what I'm saying? You're just not going to be grabbing for the book and, please, I want an awakening. You have to be desperate. So that's why we go through in great detail what powerlessness means and how maybe your conception of powerless isn't what we're talking about here. For most of us, we thought that our problem was that whenever we drank, we got in trouble. Whenever we drank we lost control and then we did all these horrible things and our body was getting sick and that was our problem. Whenever we drink, we get in trouble and things kept getting worse. That's not the part of the disease that kills us. You understand what I'm saying? That is not the reason that alcoholics die, because when they drink all these horrible things happen. There are people who have terrible food allergies and they can't find out what it is that's causing it. And no matter how careful they are, they can'T find out WHAT IT IS. And sometimes they'll suddenly come down with an attack and their heart will almost stop and they'll break out in rashes and so these doctors study, study and finally if they're lucky they isolate what it is and they go it's green peppers it's tomatoes it's whatever if you don't eat any more green peppers this will never happen to you again so we had a life threatening situation we found out what it was and the person just doesn't eat green peppers they don't go to meetings with other people who can't eat green peppers and ask them how did you get through the week without eating green peppers so the knowledge that the peppers are killing you is enough it solves the problem but the knowledge that alcohol is killing you doesn't help at all because we're powerless over the first drink. We rationalize. The obsession that we will drink like normal men goes into the grave. You know, that whole thing pursues us. This illusion has to be smashed. So we go to treatment. we suddenly concede to our innermost selves, our soul, that I'm an alcoholic and if I drink it will probably kill me. And so finally you just go, look, I finally accept it. I finally say, yes, I'm a alcoholic and if i drink again, I'll die. Now that information is useless because with that information we could have a scenario like the guy with the milk in the big book where you go into the bar where you used to hang out and you get in a sandwich, you talk to the bartender God I found out I'm an alcoholic if I drink again I'm going to die and besides that my wife said she's going to leave me and my boss said your job is over I mean man can I have a beer I am what is that what is that boy I just found out if I'm going to drink again I'm gonna die do you have vodka yeah that'll be fine what is that that is called no defense against the first drink it may not happen this month you follow what I'm saying but there's gonna come a day unless we have spiritual protection that we will simply say Yeah, I'll have one of those. And then we'll start the thing again. So the part of the disease of alcoholism that kills us occurs when there's no alcohol in our system. Whoa! Now this is more serious than I thought. We're starting to get a little uneasy here. We're ready for the close now. You follow what I'm saying? We're getting close to the kill. And what do we have in our literature that helps us? And it really happens where I think the closing is done, which is sort of into the second step. And it says this. If when you drink, you have little control over the amount you drink. That's everybody. And if when you stop, you can't stay stopped. That's somebody. then you're an alcoholic. Okay, I got it. And here's the line. If that's the case, you have an illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer. And you go, what's that again? Is that in the American Medical Association book Diseases that only a spiritual experience can conquer? Is that really in there? That's what you have. Well, God, I don't believe in spiritual experiences. Oh, you're screwed. I am? Yeah. Do you see how we're closing the loop a little tighter now on spirituality? Do you See how that mountaintop experience takes on a new meaning? Oh, you mean if you have one of those, this goes away? Hey. So spirituality really happens. If I was doing a script in The Sopranos and I wanted to work in A Spiritual Awakening, I would just have Tony go over to the guy's house and go, you ought to really try for an awakening. I'll be back in three months. Do you see the eagerness in this person? Where do you get an awakening? I need an awakening! What do we have? What happens when we finally give up like that? Willingness! willingness is the key to everything as soon as we get there where we say well what do i do we're 90 percent home the damage that the reason alcoholics don't get it is they're still fighting the idea that they need a spiritual awakening they're still fighting with the first step, which is why Bill says it's the only step that has to be worked 100%. We have to concede to our deepest level that we also need to have a spiritual awakening or we're dead. If not dead, then miserable. We might be able to hang in with willpower and not drink, but nobody's going to want to be around us because we'll be so unhappy, restless, irritable, discontent, and sober. Wow. That's a bad sentence. So what I just wanted to kind to show the bookends here and how important they are. And that if they're looked at properly, that oh I see, I'm really in trouble over here and the only thing that will help me is that thing over the other end, right? Then we see that all the rest of it is how to get one of those. And then we don't misinterpret what we're doing along the way. Well I don't have to go make an amend to them. I don't think, you know. We go, oh, that's part of getting that. Oh, all right, well, I'll go over there. In other words, we now see the big picture of why we're doing all this stuff. It's not just some sponsor that wants to torture us, make us feel bad, crush our ego and do all these things. And so if that first step is done, if that is taken, then it's very simple if you're new. I'm going to get my watch out. We just have one question that we could ask for the rest of our sobriety. And that question is, what do I do next? Now why is that an important question? What do I do next? This is the jackpot of getting spiritual. What are we saying when we say, what should I do Next? We're saying, I, Mr. Self-Centered, who never take advice from anyone, am never going to try to figure it out by myself. Now that's a major change for all of us, because who's the expert on you? You. So who should be the one to figure it out? You've got more information than everybody else. You're inside of you. So you're the obvious person that should come up with the answers to the problems. And I told my sponsor that. I'm the one. I said, that is a wristband from a nut ward, isn't it? I just want to clarify that. And I was an outpatient for a number of months and so I used to roll my sleeves down and push the, maybe people would listen to me a little more because I realized who's going to listen to a guy with a wristband from a nut ward. So we're understanding something that we're starting to go against the advice that we've gotten in the material world, which told us you have to do this yourself. Grow up. Become a grown-up. Take responsibility for your own life and do it yourself. Well, over in the spiritual world, that's not good advice at all. As a matter of fact, Chuck will contend that if you abandon all of that and simply be of service to people, you will succeed in business ten times greater than if you followed the greedy business plan. Very interesting, isn't it? So we're going to this very statement, what should I do next is the beginning of our entire future because we start out doing what our home group says, suggests. what our book suggests, what our sponsor suggests, and then what our higher power suggests. And if you're new, you may be of the intellectual scientific crowd. You know what I'm talking about? You go, well, that's an interesting theory. Ask God. Try to get advice. But I like something more practical. I like A, B, C. Paint the roof, paint the bottom, sell the house, get the money. You know, I can see the step by. I can't see this. I can' t see spirituality. I'm a practical guy. Anybody think that way? I was like, I'm not a practical man. I'm just a practical guys and this is just a theory. Can't see the God. Can't, can't feel me. I don't believe in stuff I can't see. I don' t believe crap that just doesn' t make sense. Well, let me ask you a question. Back when you were a teenager and you were afraid to go out and ask a girl to dance, did anybody come up and hand you a glass of whiskey and say if you drink this you'll know how to dance? Now does that make sense? Does that make sens in this glass or six Arthur Murray lessons? Did you ask for them to break down the chemicals in that glass? Or did you not drink it? And what happened? Da, da, da. I see all the guys in here. Am I right or wrong? You knew everything. What if you were a doubter like we are now as the spiritual program is being suggested to us and you refuse to take that until they could prove that it would, in fact, teach you how to dance. You'd still be waiting. There's no way it can be proved without doing it. So spirituality is absolutely practical. You approach it like a scientific experiment. We start from this moment when you finally surrender, and we mark that at the end of Larry's in charge or Estelle's in charge. Okay, that's the endof Larry or Estella being in charge. We write the date down, and we carefully record all of the results of Larry and Estella being in charge. Oh, divorces, jail, children won't speak to you. In other words, our plan for living produced these results. Now we're going to try plan B, which is invisible and obviously won't work. But we're gonna try it. And we're going to try it just like a scientist. Okay, man, I'm going to try it. I got my little pad here. Every three months I'm going to write down scientific results of what's happening with this crap. Okay. I'll pray. Okay I'll go make an egg. Okay but I know it's not going to work but I got my thing. I'm gonna write them down. I'LL BE HONEST. I'M GONNA WRITE IT DOWN And what happens? Hey, I'm feeling better. Hey, hey, it's working. Now we have a line that we were talking about this the other night. We are like scientists and we are self-centered and it's our theory and it is our ideas. We just don't like to give them up easily. And so there is a line, I think it is in the 12 and 12, talking about prayer. And it says, we refuse to try prayer much like a scientist will refuse to perform a certain experiment lest it prove his pet theory wrong. You follow what I'm saying? I'm not going to do that one because if it turned out then I'd be wrong. Part of us with our ego don't want to try prior because what if it works? I'm going to look stupid. I've been saying all these years it's a bunch of junk. I'm gonna look like an absolute fool, so I'm gunna stay miserable rather than look like a fool and try spirituality. That's how silly we are. It's very, very practical. And after a while you begin to see it. And you scratch your head and you ask yourself, Why is it that I feel better after a meeting? It doesn't make sense that I would feel. A bunch of jerks in there offering stupid advice about a resentment against their uncle and this one lost a job and that one's... And I walk out and I feel much better. Why? Why does that happen? There's a power in the meeting that affects us. We are attracted to something in AA that is intangible. We don't know what it is, but we know it's there. And when we call it a program of attraction, that's what we're talking about. I don't want to talk about I don' t know why, but I trust this guy. I can't figure it out. We don' ve got that much in common, but I trust him. He's got something that I want. What is it that someone has? Why do we call it a program of attraction? It's the awakening. It changed so the energy coming out attracts others to it like a light attracts moths, and it really is the light. One of the most common names for spirituality is light. Light is the great mystery of the universe. Einstein said if he could live another hundred years, he would just study light. Don't even know what it's made out of. It moves so fast. It's this wonderful thing and when it arrives, when the light arrives, it's very symbolic and each one of us, as the step process removes the dark shades on your window, it doesn't let the light in. It lets it out. And that's what people are attracted to. the light from inside of you is now coming through the little opening in our self-centeredness that the steps are causing and the people are attracted to that transforming energy that's what we're attracted to I know that if I could just stand near the Dalai Lama I'd feel like a million dollars I mean, I've talked to people who got within half a block and they said he could feel the energy there. But it's not because the Dalai Lama has more spiritual energy than you do. It's that he finally did the work to get his self-centeredness out of the way so that what's inside of every one of us can fully radiate. So that's what the two bookends are for. One is to tell us what the ending is, what the point of the whole thing is. And the first one is to make sure we do it. It's an or-else agreement. You really ought to try these suggested steps, or else. And then you go, what is or else? and then we just explained the ravages and the devastation. Oh, I remember telling my sponsor, finally I said, well, you know something? I think you're right. I'm going to tell you how bad it is inside of me. Did you ever level for the first time on what it's like to be inside of you instead of pretending you're cool? Oh, my God, I can't stand it in here. I'm afraid of everybody. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm thinking of suicide. And he said, well, if you keep drinking, it's going to really get bad. That was helping me with the first step. So I want to stop now, just doing the bookend thing, and take a 15-minute break and then give me about 30 more minutes on letting go. And that will be the second thing, and then we'll wrap it all up, okay? Thank you all. Thank you for having the patience and wherewithal to sit through all of this. What I thought I'd do for this next little session, we're really talking about the same material, but we're going to look at it from a different point of view. And I've really grown quite fond of let go and let God as just a visual image of the entire program. And my favorite way of looking at letting go that is used a lot is the story about how they hunt monkeys in certain parts of Africa and India and they set out a big gourd, a heavy thing with a long neck and they put the monkey's favorite food in there. And the monkey comes along, gets a handful of his favorite food, but he can't get his hand out of the heavy gourd or jar with the food in his hand. And he isn't going to let go of the food because he's hungry. So he's stuck. and they just walk up and catch him. He can't run away with the thing and all he has to do to get away is to lick all the food and run away because then his hand will come out. And so you and I, we sit there and we go, look at the stupid monkey. In the meantime, guess who's holding on to so many things that our life stays miserable? That's what spirituality is. It's not getting anything. It's getting rid of things. We don't learn. We learn how to let go. and the letting go enables the process to work. And so one way of looking at the entire process is 12 steps that take us through the process of letting go. And, of course, the big one is to admit we're an alcoholic and let go of the idea that we don't need help and that we're not an alcoholic. And you remember that surrender when we finally, oh my God, I finally admitted it. Okay, okay. And then I think Bill writes, well, I'm glad I won't have to go through that again. Well, we're going to have to let go of something else and something else and something other. And it turns out it just goes on forever. What? You mean I've got to let goes of something elses? until, as I talked about last night, we eagerly look forward to letting go of something else, knowing that it's going to work to our benefit. So letting go, I've never ridden in one of those hot air balloons, but I know in the old days they used to throw off ballast to go higher and get a better view. You know what I'm saying? and that really happens with us. The more we can let go of, the lighter we are. The lighter the burden is that we're carrying as we let go. And we're letting go of such things as how the world should be. I have about 75 important changes that should be made to this planet and how it's run right now. And until that happens, I'm going to be miserable. Is that a good plan for living? What are the odds on those 75 things ever happening? Zero. So who, in his brilliance, sentenced himself to permanent misery? Mr. I'm-not-letting-go-of-my-ideas Sandy Beach. And we all have that. We all have the way it ought to be part of us. I mean, we weren't put here to do that. We were put here just to enjoy it. Well, this is what's happening today. A thunderstorm. Yeah, but it's ruining my picnic. It didn't come to ruin your picnic. It's just a thunderstorm. Just enjoy the thunderstorm. You follow what I'm saying? It is my commenting on everything that happens that causes me all my problems. And so we go out in the street. We see something happen. The first thing we say, well, that shouldn't have happened. Do you ever do that? I don't know why they did that. They never should have done that. Hey, you shouldn't have done that. Why are we keeping track of what people should do? Well, it's my job. That's why I do it. If I don' t keep track of what should be done, who will? Everything will be left unattended. The world will be just running around doing whatever it wants. Somebody has to be in the middle of it. That's wrong, that's right. Okay, you, hey, hey. So, letting go is pretty big, isn't it? Huge. Until we realize, what are we letting it go to? God. We're not abandoning our child as Jack talked about when we changed the locks on the house. Somebody said there's no, God has no grandchildren. I think it was the Al-Anon speaker I heard. What a brilliant statement. God goes directly to my children. The relationship is not through me to my daughter. I am doing an act of love when I let go and let them be directly connected with their own higher power, not through me as an intermediary higher power. You follow what I'm saying? They're actually freer than they were when I was apparently concerned. Actually controlling. But masquerading as concerned. A loving, concerning parent. A self-centered, controlling parent. No, no, no. A loving concerned parent. What was my biggest problem? They're not behaving the way they should. Well, maybe they're on their way to their bottom. Are bottoms bad or good? I used to think they were bad. Now I know they're good. that's where awakenings take place. What could be more important than an awakening? Nothing. So you see, we're moving from, whenever we shift over to the spiritual world, we've got a whole new set of ways of looking at it. My favorite line on that is in the tenth step in the big book, which occurs right after the awakening or the promises. And it says, We've entered the world of the spirit we've done all the work all the way up making amends all the work has been done the wreckage has been cleared up the inventory has been taken now we're in the world of the spirit you know what the problem with spirituality is? it's too simple alcoholics, complex, self-centered people don't like simple things I remember when I was new they said just don't drink Look, my problem is a lot more complicated than that. Just don't drink. Just don' t drink. What a stupid thing. You remember that? Just don'' t drink . So I did it and it worked. So here we have something almost as kindergarten instructions in the world of the Spirit. Right after it says we entered the world of the Spirit, it says something like, I've memorized everything. It says something like whenever we're disturbed, upset, resentful, angry we ask God at once to remove them. Any questions? Anybody ever try something different than that? I heard at discussion meetings all the time well I got really angry this morning So I decided to try and exercise some patience. And I decided that probably what I ought to do, God was never mentioned. What did it say? Yes, God wants to remove it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that. But I think there's other things that really ought to be done. Why do we keep doing that? Because if we just let God run everything, we're out of a job. What do I do? Okay, God, take care of that. Okay, I will. I'm like a useless thing. What am I supposed to be doing about all these problems? Let go. It can't be that simple. These are complicated, life-threatening, family-ruining things. And what's the answer? Just let go. Maybe you didn't hear it. Let me explain the problem one more time, because if you understood the problem that I have, you would never tell me to let go of it. And so I explained in great detail and all of that. And they go, fine, yeah, just let go. That'd be good. Just let go with that. Let go of that." I remember Chuck, he used to drive me crazy. He said, Sandy, you do know that it's not your job to take care of yourself. I've been taught ever since I was that little that I had to grow up and take care of myself. My job is to take care of myself God takes care of those who take care of themselves. He said no, that's wrong. It's God's job to take care of you. Your job is to do his work. You just go do be useful to somebody else and He will take care of you. Now, in order to get there, you have to let go of a lot of old ways of handling things. I mean, I don't know about you all, but there are 5,000 different situations that can affect a human being and I have 5,00 responses to that. I remember going to a family reunion. Now, when that uncle comes in, here's how I behave towards him. You follow what I'm saying? and then we go on that fishing thing and those guys are showing, then I'm going to behave this way. And if we go in the hunting thing and these guys are doing that, then I behave thisway. You've got to have a whole repertoire of how the hell to handle things. In order to be a real man, in order to become a grown-up woman, in order for you to be a mother, in order you've got to do this and that. And now you're coming in here and you just go, oh, it's like God handling it. Wow. You see what I'm saying? What are we saying? We say, well, there's just one solution for all problems. Can you believe that somebody would come up with something like that? You want me to believe that there's one solution for all problem? You don't even have to hear the problems? Somebody calls me up and I'm sponsoring them and they go, oh, I got all these things. I'm like Clancy. I can put the phone down and let them talk for 15, 20 minutes. Then I can come back and go, just say a prayer and go to bed. You don't need to hear the problem. Problems are irrelevant if there's only one solution. Why even listen? So you go, oh, well, there couldn't be just one problem for all, I mean, one solution for all problems. That's ridiculous. This is a complicated world. Okay. Well, what did you do before you got here? I think there was one solution for all problems. It was a liquid solution did you ever have a problem that you said to yourself well here's one I won't be drinking over I'm going to handle this one without alcohol I didn't know how to handle anything without alcohol the first step in problem solving was go to the kitchen hey I got a terrible problem here I got to summon what the hell do you do with a summon I don't know, but I will shortly. Summons. Tear it up. What's the problem? We had one solution for all problems. So now we're coming in here and we're saying there couldn't be one solution for all programs. Well, that's what we got. And that solution is letting go. I've got this terrible thing and I don't know what to do. Why do we have to let go? How can you turn it over and not let go of it? Sometimes we say, this too shall pass. How many times have you heard that? This too shall passed. You know what we really ought to say? this too could be let go of. The reason it's not passing is I'm not letting go of it. How can it pass? God, I wish this would stop. I got a hot coal in my hand. I don't know how long it's going to burn. How long do these things burn? that's so I think as a group we're more stupid than the monkey with his hand in there we got our hand in everywhere and we're not going to let it go we're no longer we're now going to let go of our prejudices we're going to let go of our judgments we're gonna let go of our opinions We're not going to let go of all of those things. And we wonder why we're not happy, why we are not free, why we aren't living in God's world. And God is just standing there waving. Come on. Give me your hand. As Chuck said, let's just walk. Give me Your hand. I'll walk along. Hand in hand with God and everything will be fine. Sound good? Sounds good to me. It doesn't sound good to my ego. I'm walking hand in hand with God? What are people going to think of me? Look at that guy, he can't make it on his own. He's walking there with his big God. Like in grammar school, people have beat me up so I get my big brother and I'm walking along and they're all going, let me see you come by without your big brother. I'm going to look bad. Walking hand in hand with God. So my ego says, call God in emergencies, but try to do it on your own. Try to do this on your life. Do it on Your Own. This is how silly we are. I'm going to figure it out. Did I do the ego prayer last night? Does anybody remember that? Okay, good. I can't remember sometimes, but these are stories that I have to make a point. This is what happens as the program begins to succeed and we actually become aware. I call it an ego prayer. Now, egos don't pray, so you've got to be very suspicious of an ego prayer. But sometimes the ego says, look, I'm seeing your way. Why don't you let me pray for us today? Okay, I'd like to hear that. And this is how an ego would pray. Are you ready? God, we're here to thank you for what you've done. When we arrived in this program, we were a hopeless, hopeless case. No one would speak to us. Children wouldn't talk to us, my self-respect was zero. I was unemployable, I was physically sick and we turned our lives over to you and the care of this program. And now I have the respect of my children back. My health is back. They love me at work. I look at the world. It's a wonderful place to live. And I thank you for bringing us to this point where we no longer need you. I am so grateful that you have again returned me to self-sufficiency. And I want to thank you for getting me where I am today. What have we done? In the middle of our sobriety, we've returned to self centeredness. We've been ambushed by our old friend, the magician, the ego. Isn't it great that you're no longer desperate? Yes, it is. Isn't it great that you're no longer as dependent on this organization as you were that first day when you were shaking? Isn't het great to be, this is very dangerous territory. Very dangerous territory where we're patting ourselves on the back for no longer needing God. And that's part of the grabbing it back. You see what I'm saying? we let go, and then we take it back. We take it back. And the way I like to look at it is this way. Spirituality starts out with us realizing that we are absolutely dependent for our survival on our home group, on our sponsor, and on this program. If we work spirituality correctly, we will year after year become more dependent. More dependent. Which is what our sixth and seventh step is talking about. We're entirely ready to have God remove everything. So as we grow, we are turning over more. You see the difference? We're not getting strong and taking control of things back we're fine what else can i turn over what else can i become dependent on and no longer do it myself until i am almost irrelevant in my own life under the old terms you follow what i'm saying i have gone and we there's an old saying in aa that our top pay grade is what servant so we start out a big shot and then through hard, hard work we go all the way up to servant. What does servant mean? I'm not in charge. I am simply an extension of my Creator. Chuck called it his father. All of a sudden I'm absolutely unimportant in the scheme of things. This is freedom. That is absolute freedom. I am so small, I don't even matter. What that means is my ego is almost gone. It is just the opposite of what we were trying to achieve in the material world to become successful, a big shot. I got a car. I got this. People notice me. And if that produced happiness, then we'd go do it. But it doesn't. That plan does not work. It can teach us how to study hard, how to get higher grades, you get a better job, you get an higher salary, you get bigger house, you get family, you get boat, you get everything, and then you're happy. That's the last part. It doesn't ever happen. And then you are almost happy that you need a bigger boat. Oh, I didn't know. Okay, oh, a biggerboat. bigger boat. That was the, okay, all right. You get the bigger boat, then you're happy. Okay, okay, I got the biggerboat. I'm still not happy. Oh, two boats. Okay. You need two boats and then you'll be happy. So you see happiness lies on the TV screen when they go, you're not happy, wrong shoes. Come here, come here, you've seen it all. And you buy that joke. Okay? Okay. Um, I'm still not happy. Oh, yeah, well, that was the wrong... I was only kidding. It's not that you. It's the stress. And we keep going, going, going, and we're going to be happy. And then letting go, letting go. And we suddenly realize I'm here now. I don't need to wait till tomorrow to win. I can have contact today. I become smaller and smaller and smaller. I take all of time and get rid of it. I'm going to let go of the past, let go of the future until there's just this second. Smallness is very important. Look what happened when they split the atom. Whoa! Who would have guessed All that was in there. So where do you think our connection with the entire universe is? It's in the second, right in this moment. And you can't get there if you're holding on to anything. You can't be right here and be figuring out what needs to be changed. You can't be right here and be thinking about getting revenge for something that guy did. Or thinking about what's going to happen tomorrow. Or worrying about my neighbors or my children or all these other things. I have to let all of it go and just be in this very moment where everything exists. The scientists studying the universe, as Bill writes back in 1939, remember he writes that in the big book, the scientists are forcing nature to disclose her secrets. They were right on the edge then of understanding everything. And now we've had all these breakthroughs in the computers and we're out here in the neutrinos and quarks and we now see where the sun's implode and the black holes. Boy, they're this close to understanding everything. You follow what I'm saying? So they are experts on the past and the future. No comment on the now. No books on the Now from the scientists. None. only from the spiritual teachers who bring us to the now. We have a whole program one day at a time. How can we be in today and hold on to anything else? We have to let go, let go. So let go is really the whole program. That's where all the steps are designed. Let go of this. I want God to remove All these things. He can't if I'm holding on to him. So our comedy is our spirituality versus our humanity, and it's going on in each of us. That's great. I really want to get closer to God. Gosh, he's pretty. God, I'll be right back. I just want to go. So then we have to laugh and go, okay, okay. And then we're going to let go more and let go more. So I'm going to tell you about my, I'm not going to close with this because I don't want to stay here all day. But I was trying to picture myself in this dilemma. Okay? And there's a book called God Calling. A lot of us read that. And I was in a church that I go to sometimes and there was a painting that I thought ought to be called God calling because it was an ancient door to a small dwelling. You know how they made those thick wooden doors with the big iron door handles on them? And standing at the door, getting ready to knock is the traditional figure with a beard and kind of a robe or whatever. And he's getting ready to knock. And when I saw that, I said, there's God calling. I said what would you do, Sandy. If God called, you're in your condo. Hello? Who's there? God. Oh, come on. You're not at the door. Yeah, I am. I'm calling on you. You've been asking me to come and take over your life, and you want to get close to me. I've seen you working and praying. I'm here. You're at the door now, God? Yeah, just open it and let me in. Well, how do I know you're God? A lot of people could be standing out there saying that kind of stuff. Oh, okay, well, I'll just have your mother appear. You know, she died about ten years ago. Hi, Mom. Son, that's God at the door. I'm thinking about it, Mom, I'm serious. I really... Don't you want... Okay, I am thinking about my... She goes away and now I am wrestling. And I am wresting. Can you imagine wrestling? I can. I am not at the doorway yet, am I? Because I know if I open the door, He's going to be everything. And I'm just going to part like a little freaking dot in this whole universe. Right now, I'm the guy in the condo and I've got a car. You know, that could all be gone. I'll be a dot. And I go, God, I know this is going to sound funny. But I'm in the middle of the last episode of The Sopranos. I've been waiting five years to see how this damn thing is going to end. is there any chance you could come back later? And then there's no noise. There's nothing. And there's nothing, and I run over the door, and there's Nothing there. And I go, you know, that never really happened. You think we could ever do that? Not open the door? I think so, because I'm not ready to let go. so this is where we are we're in the middle of this we shouldn't give ourselves a hard time about not being there yet but we should also envision how marvelous it could be guaranteed the more we let go I started with a new man and I'll close with this and he's 54 years old oh God I don't think I can get this and this and that and I said look here's the goal We're going to hit this spiritual awakening. He said, can you guarantee it? And I said, let me tell you how sure I am that if you will take these actions that that'll happen. I'm as sure you will have an awakening as I am when I put water in the freezer that it'll be ice in the morning. I can't prove it. I can'T guarantee it. But it always happens. And that's how I feel about the power of this program. it's there. And the only thing standing in the way, we won't take our hand out of the jar. So let's just stop being stupid and enjoy the life. Okay, thank you.